YEAR ONE
Written by
Harold Ramis, Gene Stupnitsky & Lee Eisenberg
October 18th, 2007
IN THE BEGINNING... 1
BLACK an infinite void but at the center a SINGULARITY, a
particle infinitely small and infinitely dense that contains
all the potential matter and energy in the universe.
THE BIG BANG
A blinding flash of light as the singularity explodes,
particles expanding in all directions until they fill the
screen, a shimmering cloud of electromagnetic dust.
Then the particles start to attract one another to form
atoms, the atoms elements, the elements form molecules, the
molecules compounds, the compounds cells, then a cell
twitches and a PRIMITIVE DRUM starts booming out a Dolby
heartbeat as we witness the rapid evolution of organisms.
Then a big fish swims by and is suddenly swallowed whole by a
much bigger fish, and we rapidly rise from the depths and
pull back to reveal--
THE SEA 2
Vast, blue, rolling toward the shore, brilliant sun rising in
a cloudless azure sky.
A WOMAN emerges from the sea like Aphrodite, strongly backlit
to obscure her nudity, but we can see she is full-breasted,
long-limbed, toned and tanned-- perfection. Then a MAN rises
up out of the water beside her, and staggers clumsily in the
surf. Even in silhouette we can see he's far from perfect--
short, overweight. They turn to each other and embrace.
It's paradise-- for him.
THE WOMAN
(looking deep in his eyes)
I'm so hungry.
THE MAN
(wanting her)
Yeah. Me, too.
The DRUMS get hotter as he closes his eyes and leans in to
kiss her, but she turns and walks away.
WOMAN
What should we eat?
THE MAN
Oh, you actually meant you were
hungry. I thought-- forget it.
Official White 2.
He follows her.
They walk toward the trees that fringe the beach. When they
reach the line of vegetation, the woman, MAYA, kneels, pulls
berries from a bush and pops them in her mouth.
The man, ZED, grabs a handful of berries and they squat there
noshing like Adam and Eve.
THE WOMAN
Mmmm, these are so good.
THE MAN
Mmrrunm, they really are .
When she turns away he spits them out in disgust.
Maya smiles and puts her face very close to his, their lips
almost touching.
MAYA
(very sexy)
You know what I'd really like?
ZED
(HOPEFULLY)
What?
MAYA
Some fruit.
ZED
(frustrated, but hanging
IN )
Yeah, fruit's good.
(he stands up)
You want an apple or a pear?
MAYA
(THINKS)
No.
He scans the nearby trees.
ZED
Orange? Tangerine?
(she shakes her head)
Umm, mango? Kiwi? Peach?
She shakes her head coyly.
He starts darting from tree to tree, hopefully pointing out
various options. She follows him.
Official White 3.
ZED (cont'd)
Plum? Nectarine? Passion fruit?
MAYA
(COQUETTISHLY)
Nuh-uh.
ZED
(fake smile)
Okay, don't tell me-- papaya?
Pomegranate? Lemon? Lime?
Kumquat? Uh, cock? Cockfruit?
MAYA
NOOO--
The game is no longer cute but he still plays along.
ZED
Watermelon? Honeydew? Grapes?
MAYA
NOOO--
ZED
(this is a lot of work to
get laid)
Starfruit, casaba-- tangelo?
MAYA
Nope.
ZED
(he doesn't even like her
ANYMORE)
Okay, I give up. Which fruit do
you want?
MAYA
(POINTS)
That one.
Zed looks. It's a beautiful tree with lush, apple-like red
fruit hanging from it.
ZED
(SCOFFS)
Yeah, right. Okay.
MAYA
Why not?
Official white 4.
ZED
Because that's the fruit we don't
eat! It's forbidden.
MAYA
Why not?
ZED
Because we don't! It's a rule!
That's the Tree of the Knowledge of
Good and Evil. You don't eat from
that one. Nobody ever has.
MAYA
Why not?
ZED
Stop saying why not! I told you--
it's a rule.
MAYA
So do you always follow the rules?
ZED
No-- yeah-- I don't know. We don't
have that many rules. In fact, we
only have one rule-- DON'T EAT THAT
FRUIT.
MAYA
Okay, fine. We won't. Forget I
mentioned it. I understand if
you're afraid--
ZED
I'm not "afraid"--
MAYA
No, really, it's all right. I just
thought you might be curious why we
can eat everything else that walks,
crawls, swims, flies, or grows in
the ground, but not that particular
fruit. And I thought you might be
the kind of man who's willing to
take a chance and start thinking
for himself, but I guess I was
wrong.
She glares defiantly at Zed, then starts to walk away. It's
not Paradise anymore. Then like every man that ever lived
and will ever live, he caves.
Official White 5.
ZED
Okay! Fine! You want to try the
Good and Evil fruit, you got it.
He rips two ripe fruits from a low-hanging bough and hands
her one. They both stare at the fruit.
MAYA
You first.
ZED
No way! It was your idea. You go
first.
MAYA
We both bite at the same time.
Zed considers for a long moment then decides.
ZED
Okay. Ready? One-- two-- three!
Zed chomps down hard and takes a big bite, but Maya fakes him
out and stops before her teeth break the skin.
ZED (cont'd)
(with his mouth full)
Got me. That's a good move. I'm
going to steal it.
He starts chewing and she watches as he gets his first taste
of Good and Evil. Then his face contorts in disgust and he
spits it out.
ZED (cont'd)
(gagging and spitting)
Yuchh! That's horrible. Yecch,
ptui! Ughh.
He frantically wipes the inside of his mouth with his
fingers, trying to get the terrible taste out.
MAYA
So you're saying it's not good?
ZED
Yes! I'm saying it's not good!
He grabs his belly as his stomach starts to cramp. Then a
loud bowel sound and his eyebrows shoot up.
ZED (cont'd)
Oh, no--
6.
Official White
He runs for the bushes. Maya's attention gets diverted.
MAYA
(noticing something)
Ooh, banana!
CUT TO:
3
3 EXT. VILLAGE - DAY
A TRIBE OF PRIMITIVE CAUCASIANS. Dozens of huts surround a
mmunal fire pit where WOMEN in loincloths roll flatbread CO
and cook it on heated rocks. The drums start pounding out a
celebratory rhythm as the HUNTERS enter carrying a DEAD BOAR
on a pole, their faces marked with boar's blood, ritual signs
in honor of the kill.
The lead hunter MARLAK, is a hulking thug with a bony,
Neanderthal forehead. He cuts off the boar's head and drops
it at Maya's feet.
MARLAK
(blunt grunt)
For you.
MAYA
(forces a grateful smile)
Thank you, Marlak.
4
4 ZED'S HUT
Zed is lying on a pad of animal hides in front of his hut,
his guts still aching. His best friend OH sits next to him
sewing skins together, watching the hunters with envy,
jealous of the attention they're getting from the women.
If Zed is over-confident and reckless, Oh is his polar
opposite, nervous and risk-averse, the kind of guy who would
apologize if you poked him in the ass with your spear. He
may, in fact, be near-sighted and if glasses had been
invented he'd be wearing them.
OH
(GRUMBLING)
Look at them. Hunters think
they're so cool. They don't think
gathering is dangerous? There are
thorns-- bees-- those big stingy
ants. I could hunt-- I just don't
want to. And what's with the blood
on their faces? They think that's
sanitary?
Official White 7.
ZED
(miserable with pain)
Do me a favor. Just kill me.
OH
Why did you eat that fruit? It's
forbidden. Everybody knows that.
ZED
I couldn't help myself! Maya was
just staring at me with those pouty
eyes-- and those perky breasts--
opposable thumbs. And how about
the name? "The Tree of the
Knowledge of Good and Evil"? You
don't think that sounds tempting?
They should've just called it "The
Tree with the Fruit that Tastes
Like Shit." Then for sure nobody
would eat it.
Zed notices a VILLAGER squatting in the bushes right behind
his dwelling.
ZED (cont'd)
(shouts testily)
Hey! Squanto! Give me a break,
would ya'! You got the whole
forest!
(to Oh)
Why does everyone have to crap
right behind my hut?
OH
I think, and I could be wrong, that
all the poop makes the ground more
fertile, which in turn, gives the
leaves in the area a softer feel.
It's a vicious circle.
Oh notices a very pretty young woman, EEMA, standing near the
communal fire with TWO HUNTERS. His heart leaps.
OH (cont'd)
(calls out eagerly)
Hi, Eema!
Eema turns, sees it's him and gives him a perfunctory wave,
then turns back to the hunters and says something about Oh
that makes them laugh.
Official White 8.
OH (cont'd)
She doesn't even know I exist.
(LOVE-STRUCK)
I want to lay with her so badly.
ZED
I don't see it. I mean she's cute,
but I don't think I'd lay with her.
OH
Of course not! She's your sister!
It'd be like sleeping with your
mother.
ZED
which was a big mistake. I see
that now. You think it won't be
awkward the next morning but--
trust me, you just want to rip your
eyeballs out.
(shakes off the memory)
Listen, if you want to impress
Eema, tonight at the feast, do the
fertility dance with her, then drag
her back to your hut.
OH
My hut's a mess. And what if she
struggles?
ZED
So you give her a little tap on the
head. Women respond to that--
OH
(SIGHS)
No. She only likes hunters-- not
gatherers.
They look over at Eema, who is now slowly stroking the shaft
of a hunter's spear.
ZED
I wouldn't read too much into that.
She kisses, then tongues the spear tip.
ZED (cont'd)
Okay, that might mean something.
The hunter Marlak walks by and stops. He's clearly half a
rung lower on the human evolutionary scale.
Official White 9.
MARLAK
You didn't hunt today.
ZED
Yes, Marlak. Very observant. I
was indisposed. Got that
intestinal thing that's been going
around.
Marlak grunts and examines the primitive line drawings on the
walls of Zed's hut.
MARLAK
(points at a drawing)
What's that supposed to be?
ZED
It's a bear.
MARLAK
That's not a bear. That's just
some lines on a skin.
ZED
(SIGHS)
It's not a real bear. It's a
"representation" of a bear. You
know, a "picture."
MARLAK
That's stupid.
ZED
Yeah. Like you'd know.
MARLAK
And what's that?
He picks up a skin with another of Zed's drawings on it, this
one of a big-breasted naked girl. Zed quickly grabs it and
holds it upside down.
ZED
That-- would be an antelope-- or a
deer-- a deerpalope.
MARLAK
(trying to look at it
upside down)
It looks like Maya.
Official White 10.
ZED
(hides it away)
How could it be Maya? It's just
some lines on a skin.
MARLAK
Stay away from my woman.
ZED
Your woman? I'm not sure dragging
her into the bushes kicking and
screaming means you have an actual
"thing" going.
Marlak cuffs him hard on the side of the head.
MARLAK
(walking off)
Stay away.
ZED
(calls after him)
Hey! Nice supra-orbital ridge,
fartface!
DISSOLVE TO:
5
5 A ROARING FIRE
The DRUMS kick up another notch as the huge boar roasts on a
spit over a roaring fire.
EXT. VILLAGE - NIGHT
The tribe is gathered around the big fire pit. The tribe's
SHAMAN, their medicine man and spirit leader, dances around
the fire in a boar's head mask, accessorized with way too
many bones, beads and feathers.
Zed and Oh are sitting near the fire, smoking something in a
long, decorated pipe.
ZED
Hey, Oh? Did it ever occur to you
that there may be more to life than
this?
OH
(taking the pipe from Zed)
Okay, I think somebody's had
enough.
Official White 11.
ZED
No, I'm serious.We're born into
thisworld, we hunt, we gather, we
eat,we sleep, we make babies--
OH
You make babies--
ZED
--but why? What's the point?
OH
You always get like this when you
smoke.
Oh takes a big toke on the pipe, chokes, and starts coughing
uncontrollably.
ZED
No. Last night I couldn't sleep,
so I just laid there looking up at
the sky, counting the stars. There
were over seventy. Kinda makes you
think, doesn't it?
OH
(looks up at the sky)
No.
ZED
Really? I've been thinking about
it ever since I ate that fruit.
Don't you ever wonder what's on the
other side of the mountains?
OH
There's nothing on the other side
of the mountains. Everybody knows
that. The world just ends. You'd
fall right off the edge.
(makes a sharp gesture)
ZED
But what if it doesn't? What if it
just goes on and on forever? Or
what if it's round?
(he picks up a round
ROCK))
And if you keep walking you
eventually come right back to where
you started?
He traces the circumference with his finger.
Official White 12.
OH
(SCOFFS)
Oh, yeah, that's plausible.
Zed flings the rock away.
A VILLAGER (O.C.)
Oww!
ZED
(waves apologetically)
Sorry!
OH
(tries to cheer him up
Will you stop with that crazy talk?
We're at a feast. You love feasts.
There's women, there's boar meat,
there's an assortment of berries--
there's women--
Oh looks over at Eema. Zed picks up on it.
ZED
Do it, man! Go dance for her.
OH
You think? They're playing the
Jackal Dance. I don't do that one
so well.
ZED
Are you kidding? Go! Jackal
Dance!
Oh summons his courage, gets up and crosses to where the
girls are sitting.
Zed makes subtle eye contact with Maya, waggles his eyebrows
and licks his lips. She laughs and looks away.
Oh starts dancing timidly right in front of Eema, subtly
jerking his pelvis, trying to be cool.
Eema just stares at him for a moment, then goes back to
talking to her friends. Oh looks over at Zed for help.
Zed mimes clonking her on the head.
Oh picks up a wooden club and hits Eema right on the noggin.
However, instead of submitting, she gets really pissed,
stands up and decks him with one punch.
Official White 13.
Eema glowers at Zed who feigns innocence.
CUT TO:
6
6 THE FIRE PIT - MINUTES LATER
A hunter is slicing off hunks of boar meat for the other
tribesmen. Zed pushes through the small crowd waiting for
food and goes to the front.
ZED
Excuse me, hunter coming through.
VILLAGERS
Hey! Wait your turn! There's a
line here, buddy!
ZED
For your information I was in line
and I just stepped out to chew some
food for an elderly lady.
Suddenly a SPEAR is thrust inches from his face, stopping
him. It's Marlak, who towers over Zed. His cohort,
ENMEBARAGESI, short and stout, stands beside him.
MARLAK
Enmebaragesi said he saw you in the
garden with Maya.
ZED
Oh, really? And what if I called
Enmebaragesi a liar?
ENMEBARAGESI
I'd kill you.
ZED
Calm down. I said "what if"-- it
was a hypothetical.
Marlak gets right in Zed's face.
MARLAK
Enmebaragesi doesn't lie.
Villagers gather around them, Maya and Eema among them.
Marlak puts his spear point to Zed's throat.
MARLAK (cont'd)
The truth!
Official White 14.
MAYA
Zed, just admit it. You're just
making it harder on yourself.
ZED
(instantly annoyed)
No, you just made it harder on
myself!
(to Marlak)
Okay, fine, you got me.
(gingerly moves the spear
POINT)
Maya and I lay together on
occasion. We're consenting adults
and we have an adventurous sexual
relationship.
Maya looks shocked, and tries to signal Zed to shut up.
MARLAK
(STUNNED)
You laid with my woman?
ZED
Isn't that what we're talking
about?
Maya rolls her eyes.
ENMEBARAGESI
No, I saw you eat the Forbidden
Fruit.
ZED
Oh, that! Yeah! I did eat the
fruit. I was just kidding about
humping Maya.
Marlak knocks Zed to the ground. The DRUMMING stops.
Oh comes running over and gets between Marlak and Zed.
OH
(FORCEFUL)
Hey! What's going on?
Marlak growls at him.
OH (cont'd)
(quickly looks up at the
SKY)
Oooh, shooting star.
Official White 15.
Zed gets to his feet.
ZED
Look, Marlak, this is crazy.
You're two of me. I'm not gonna
fight you over a girl, okay?
Zed starts to walk away but quickly pivots and throws a WILD
HAYMAKER at Marlak who easily ducks it, and it hits an
unsuspecting Enmebaragesi squarely in the nose.
Zed (cont'd)
(to Enmebaragesi)
And let that be a lesson to your
big friend-
Marlak grabs Zed, lands two solid punches to Zed's mid-
section, and then clocks him with a vicious right that sends
him sprawling to the ground.
MARLAK
(standing over Zed)
Your father was a great hunter, but
you're like-- a girl.
The hunters laugh.
ENMEBARAGESI
Good one, Marlak.
ANOTHER HUNTER
Zing.
MARLAK
Now I kill you.
He's about to spear Zed when suddenly the Shaman screams and
jumps between them. The villagers step back as the Shaman
howls an incantation and shakes his magic rattle at Zed.
SHAMAN
(leaning close to Zed)
We need to talk.
CUT TO:
7 THE CAMPFIRE - MINUTES LATER 7
Zed and the Shaman sit side by side on a log, talking
privately.
Official White 16.
The Shaman is covered in skins, feathers, bones, beads,
animal teeth, antlers and horns, his hair a mass of long,
muddy dreadlocks, his face painted, his cheeks, nose, and
ears pierced by shards of bone. But if not for his
outlandish getup, zed could be talking to his pastor.
SHAMAN
You really ate the fruit?
ZED
One bite! What's the big deal?
SHAMAN
(halfheartedly shakes a
chicken-foot rattle at
HIM)
You don't eat the fruit! That's
been the number one rule from the
beginning of time. Since the Great
Turtle climbed from the sea with
the Earth on his back, drank the
ocean, pooped out the mountains and
the first man fell from the stars.
ZED
I've always had trouble with the
Great Turtle Theory-- too many
unexplained gaps.
SHAMAN
Whatever. You're screwed now.
ZED
Really? How screwed? Like I knew
it was a rule but I'm a little
fuzzy on the exact details.
SHAMAN
You're cursed, man, and if you stay
here then we'll all be cursed. You
have to leave.
ZED
Where am I supposed to go?
SHAMAN
Up to you. From now on you're
completely on your own.
ZED
(DEFIANT)
Oh, really?
(MORE)
Official White 17.
ZED (cont'd)
Am I detecting a little jealousy
here because I now have the
knowledge of good and evil and you
don't? Well, you know what? I say
what I did was a good thing-- a
very very good thing-- and I'm not
leaving. What do you think of
that?
A HUMAN SKULL comes flying in from off-camera and lands at
his feet.
ZED (cont'd)
Okay, is that supposed to be funny?
He stands up and we see that the whole tribe is standing
around them in a wide circle.
Marlak bangs his spear on the edge of his animal-hide shield,
starting a rhythmical beat. The other hunters join in,
keeping the beat, staring at Zed with lethal intent
SHAMAN
(to Zed, re the hunters)
You should probably get going now.
You better take this knife.
He hands him a flint knife with a leather-wrapped handle.
SHAMAN (cont'd)
And some of the guys got together
and they want you to have this bow.
He hands him a strong hunter's bow.
ZED
I don't want to seem ungrateful or
anything, but you wouldn't happen
to have any arrows, would you?
An arrow zips in and sticks in the post next to his head.
SHAMAN
(to Zed)
You'd better get moving.
Zed looks around at his fellow villagers, trying to summon
what dignity he has left.
ZED
(DEFIANT)
Okay, but before I go I just want
to say something. I know I'm not
the greatest hunter--
Official White 18.
VILLAGER (O.S.)
--Or gatherer--
ZED
Yes, or gatherer-- but there's got
to be more to life than this--
(to Hunters)
Kinda hard to concentrate with that
rhythmic drumming, fellas.
The Hunters keep the insistent beat, their gaze fixed on Zed.
ZED (cont'd)
(rolls his eyes; "these
guys are hopeless")
Anyways, I'm going away, not
because you're forcing me to--
which you are-- but because I
choose to. Yes, I ate from the
Tree of the Knowledge of Good and
Evil-- major misunderstanding on my
part-- and believe me I'm not
recommending it unless you're
interested in a very powerful
laxative-- but it got me thinking
about some pretty heavy stuff --
life questions, you know. So I'm
out of here, and anyone who wants
to join me is welcome.
He looks around the circle and sees Maya. She sees Marlak
staring at her and averts her eyes.
ZED (cont'd)
ANYONE--
Zed looks at oh, who suddenly becomes very interested in an
imaginary piece of loincloth lint.
ZED (cont'd)
(looks directly at Oh)
I don't know where we're going or
when we're going to get there, but
I will lead the way--
(he picks up a burning
TORCH)
lighting up the darkness-- pointing
us in the right direction, and
keeping us entertained with
humorous anecdotes from my
childhood. Now who's with me?
He enthusiastically thrusts the torch in the air.
Official White 19.
Oh looks at Eema, then at Zed, and lowers his eyes.
ZED (cont'd)
Okay, then I guess I'll just have
to go it alone, which is fine with
ME--
(to Oh)
--better, in fact, because having a
partner would just slow me down.
Oh can't look at him.
Zed shakes his head, failing to notice that the torch he's
holding has ignited the roof of the hut next to him.
The Shaman shouts and points at the now blazing roof.
ZED (cont'd)
Oops!
They all stare as the fire quickly leaps from roof to roof.
ZED (cont'd)
I know there's a lesson in here
somewhere. Any thoughts?
The villagers scream and run off to try and save their huts.
It's chaos.
MARLAK
(raises his spear, to Zed)
Now you die.
Marlak throws his spear and misses as Zed takes off running
into the forest with the hunters right behind him and the
whole village ablaze.
CUT TO:
8 EXT. FOREST - NIGHT 8
Zed runs for his life through the dense forest.
The hunters chase him, shooting arrows at him on a dead run.
Zed dodges as the arrows zip around him. He veers left, then
right, then trips and tumbles down a muddy embankment.
The hunters stop at the top of the embankment. Marlak
listens for sounds of movement in the forest below, then
silently signals for the hunters to fan out.
Official White 20.
Marlak nimbly makes his way down the embankment, reaches the
bottom and sees something in the moonlight.
It's Zed lying on the ground, badly camouflaged with sticks
and leaves, thinking he can't be seen, but the shape of his
body is clearly discernible. Marlak raises his spear.
MARLAK
I see you.
ZED
(long beat)
No, you don't.
MARLAK
Yes, I do.
ZED
How can you see me if I'm not here?
MARLAK
You're trying to trick me.
ZED
Okay, then tell me this-- who's
standing right behind you?
MARLAK
(nobody's fool)
You think I'm going to turn around
and look, but I'm not.
(pulls his knife)
I'm going to gut you like a pig.
He is about to plunge his knife into Zed when suddenly he is
struck from behind by a heavy tree branch. He falls heavily,
knocked senseless by Oh who is standing over him with the
makeshift club.
Zed sits up and smiles gratefully at Oh.
OH
I guess I'm with you.
ZED
Was it my speech?
OH
No, the fire. I lost everything.
Official White 21.
ZED
But the speech was pretty good,
right? I mean, even I was moved
and I was the one speaking.
OH
Can we talk about this later?
Oh pulls Zed to his feet, and they sneak off into the deep
woods.
DISSOLVE TO:
9 EXT. A FOREST PATH - LATER THAT NIGHT 9
CRICKETS. Zed and Oh walk through the moonlit forest.
ZED
This is nice, out here, the two of
us.
OH
(SULLEN)
Yeah, it's great.
ZED
Come on, those hunters are idiots.
In an hour they'll forget the whole
thing.
OH
I don't think they'll forget the
fire.
ZED
You know what we should do? You
and me should kill the biggest boar
ever-- just huge!-- and take it
back to the village. Just to show
them. And we won't let anyone else
eat it. They'll have to watch us
eat it.
OH
If it's that huge how would we
carry it back?
ZED
(CONSIDERING)
Fine, we'll just start with
something small. A squirrel or
something.
Official White 22.
OH
Yeah, we'll make everyone watch us
eat a squirrel. Will you get real?
There's no going back! There's,
nothing to go back to! It's just
ashes.
ZED
(SCOFFS)
Yeah, like it's so hard to build a
new hut. It's just a pile of
sticks and dung--
OH
(SCOWLS)
You're a pile of sticks and dung.
Suddenly, Zed stops and stands perfectly still.
ZED
(through clenched teeth)
Oh!
OH
What are you doing?
Zed makes a minimal gesture with his head. Oh looks up.
A COUGAR crouches on a tree limb above them, poised to leap.
Oh freezes. They talk like ventriloquists.
ZED
Don't move a muscle.
OH
Will that work?
ZED
(without moving his lips)
I don't know. There's two
different opinions on this one.
Some say run, some say don't.
OH
What are you going to do?
ZED
I'm going to-- RUN!
He sprints off and the cougar pounces right on oh.
CUT TO:
Official White 23.
10 EXT. A FIRE - DAYBREAK 10
Zed is holding a stick over the fire, cooking what looks like
a squirrel or a muskrat.
Oh comes out of the forest carrying a huge armload of sticks
and branches. One of Oh's sticks falls, and as he carefully
reaches down to grab it, the rest spill out on the ground.
Oh sighs. His body is covered with long claw marks.
ZED
You really should put some maggots
on those scratches. They look
pretty deep.
OH
(BITTER)
I just want to know why you told me
not to move, and you ran.
ZED
Because I honestly thought he'd go
for me. I thought I was doing you
a favor. Apparently not
appreciated.
OH
Yeah, big favor.
ZED
You didn't have to come with me,
you know. I didn't ask you to
come.
OH
Yes, you did! You looked right at
me-- twice.
ZED
Yes, that's a technique of public
speaking, but I didn't ask you
specifically. You chose to come.
You gotta take some responsibility
for that. And there's no point
coming if you're just gonna keep
whining about every little-- cougar
that attacks you.
(pulls the cooked rodent
from the fire)
You want some or not?
Official White 24.
OH
(HUFFY)
No, eat your weasel. You deserve
it.
He turns his back to Zed, and starts sorting through the pile
of sticks.
ZED
You making your own fire?
OH
No, arrows. We're going to need
them.
ZED
(perks up)
You're still coming?
OH
(RESIGNED)
Yes.
Zed claps him on the back and hugs him exuberantly. Oh
winces in pain.
CUT TO:
11 EXT. HIGHLANDS - DAY 11
Zed and Oh are hiking uphill, the lush, dense verdure of the
forest now thinning to evergreens and mountain heather.
CUT TO:
12 THE MOUNTAINS - LATER 12
Zed and Oh climbing higher now. Finally, they reach the top
and look out at the vista.
From their vantage point they can see a high plateau and
wooded land stretching far beyond it.
ZED
(GLOATING)
I knew it! Still think you're just
gonna fall off the edge of the
world?
Official White 25.
OH
(in amazement)
Incredible.
He takes a step forward, the rock shelf gives way beneath his
feet and he falls a great distance, screaming all the way
down, bouncing painfully off the big boulders, then a long,
tumbling slide over sharp rocks and gravel to the bottom.
ZED
(WINCES)
Oooh. -
(then calls out)
I'll go around! Wait for me!
CUT TO:
13 EXT. FOREST - LATER 13
Zed is following a trail downhill through the forest on the
other side of the mountains. Oh is limping along behind him,
bitten, clawed, cut, scraped and bruised.
ZED
Say what you want, but that was no
accident. You don't see a pattern
here?
OH
I see a pattern. Every time
something terrible can happen to
me, it does.
ZED
Yeah, but why? Why'd the cougar go
for you and not me? Why did you
fall and I didn't? Hard to believe
it's all just random. Think about
IT--
J; avdganly MI , I ) ia htintI! f 1 inWROM m 11W, 10
looks around the forest clearing for subtle signs.
ZED (cont'd)
(sniffing the air)
People-- more than one-- walking--
(he guesses) that way.
OH
(looking around)
You think? There's about a
thousand footprints here.
Official White 26.
He indicates the heavily trampled forest floor.
ZED
(ignores him)
Yes! There!
He drops to one knee and examines something in the bushes.
Zed (cont'd)
They stopped here to poop. Look.
OH
No, thank you.
ZED
Four men, maybe five. And a child--
or a small women maybe.
OH
(a little disgusted)
Okay.
ZED
(poking at the evidence)
Looks like they had some nuts--
dried fruit-- some kind of green
leafy vegetable--
OH
Okay! Enough! Can we just go?
Maybe we can find where they peed.
14 Then Zed sees light through the trees and creeps 14
stealthily to the tree line. Oh creeps up beside him and
they peer through the bushes.
THREE COWS are grazing in a green pasture. Beyond it, well-
tended fields of growing grain.
Zed snaps into stalking mode, ducks down and silently signals
Oh to be quiet and stay put.
ZED
(WHISPERS)
This one's mine.
He takes his bow, pulls an arrow from his quiver, and slowly
draws the bow, taking deadly aim at one of the cows. He
shoots.
The blunt, pointless arrow hits the cow in the side and
bounces off. The cow looks up.
Official White 27.
ZED (cont'd)
(to Oh)
We're gonna need some arrowheads.
Zed draws his flint knife, then suddenly bursts out of the
forest, dashes toward the cow and leaps on its back.
Oh comes running up as the cow bucks and sends Zed flying.
Lying on the ground, Zed looks up and sees TWO SURPRISED
YOUNG FARMERS dressed in simple white woolen tunics staring
at him.
FIRST YOUNG FARMER
Did you just shoot my cow?
ZED
(getting painfully to his
FEET)
Yeah, well-- we're hunters.
OH
(covering for himself)
He's a hunter. I'm more of a
"maker." I made this loincloth, I
do arrows-- I made a shelf unit for
my hut--
ZED
What do you guys do?
SECOND YOUNG FARMER
What does it look like? We're
farmers.
FIRST YOUNG FARMER
He's a farmer; I'm a herdsman.
SECOND YOUNG FARMER
You're a suck, is what you are.
FIRST YOUNG FARMER
(ignores him)
My brother, Cain. I am called
Abel.
CAIN
You are called suck.
ABEL
My brother is angry because God
looked on my sacrifice with favor.
Official White 28.
CAIN
(mimics him)
"God looked on my sacrifice with
FAVOR--"
(to Oh)
Okay, is he a total suck or what?
OH
Well, it's hard to say-- we just
MET--
ABEL
Why are you dragging them into
this? What do they know? They're
morons.
ZED
(OFFENDED)
Hey! Easy!
CAIN
(to Abel)
You think you're so superior to
everyone else.
ABEL
Superior-er than you.
CAIN
Really? Let's see how good you are
at getting your ass kicked.
(shoves him)
ABEL
Yeah? Bring it!
(shoves him back)
ZED
Okay, boys, that's enough. We just
want to--
CAIN
(won't let it go)
No! This smug asshole insulted you
and I want him to take it back.
ZED
We're not really that insulted--
CAIN
(pushes Abel hard)
Take it back!
Official White 29.
ABEL
(pushes back)
Make me!
Zed steps between them, trying to make peace.
ZED
Boys, boys! You're brothers!
Let's just relax and--
Cain uses the distraction to sneak-punch Abel and the fight
is on. They start throwing wild punches, then clinch and
wrestle each other to the ground.
OH
Shouldn't we do something?
ZED
Just let them settle it.
Cain picks up a good-size rock and strikes Abel on the head
with all his might. Abel falls heavily to the ground and
lies there, not moving. Cain stands over him, breathing
hard.
ZED (cont'd)
(SHOCKED)
I guess that settles it.
CAIN
(turns on him sharply,
still holding the bloody
ROCK)
What?!
ZED
Nothing!
Cain stares at Abel, still inert on the ground.
CAIN
He's all right. Probably just
RESTING--
OH
(humoring him)
Probably just tuckered out from the
fight.
CAIN
(looking around nervously)
Yeah.
(MORE)
Official White 30.
CAIN (cont'd)
Maybe I should throw some dirt on
him-- keep him warm 'til he wakes
up.
He starts kicking dirt over Abel's body.
CAIN (cont'd)
(getting worried)
This is bad. This is really bad.
We're in serious trouble.
ZED
Hey! What do you mean "we"? I
don't want to play the blame game,
but you're the one who hit him.
CAIN
(turns on them)
You could've stopped me! There's
two of you and only one of me.
ZED
We didn't know you were going to
kill him--
CAIN
You calling me a murderer?
(he clutches the rock)
ZED
Did I say that?
CAIN
It was an accident!
(to Oh)
Right?
OH
Right! You were holding the rock
and he-- accidentally ran into it--
really hard-- with his head.
CAIN
(calming down)
Okay-- yeah-- good. But it might
be better if we don't mention the
"accident" to anyone. People might
get the wrong idea. Understand?
OH
Oh, yeah, people could so easily
misinterpret that.
Official White 31.
ZED
(SHRUGS)
Why even bring it up?
CAIN
(NODS)
I like you guys. You're all right.
Why don't you come with me? Have
supper with the family.
ZED
Unfortunately we already have
dinner plans.
CAIN
I think you should come with me.
OH
(his idea)
why don't we go with you?
CUT TO:
15 EXT. THE FIELD - A LITTLE LATER 15
Cain finishes loading bushels of grain onto an oxcart while
Zed and Oh closely inspect the big, heavy, solid wooden
wheels on the cart.
ZED
What are the big round things for?
CAIN
They're wheels, numbskull. They
make the cart roll.
ZED
(blown away)
Wow! That is like the greatest
invention since the vagina.
Cain whips the oxen and they lumber forward.
Oh screams as the HEAVY WHEELS ROLL OVER HIS FEET.
CUT TO:
16 CLOSE ON ZED AND OH 16
They look really thrilled, wind blowing through their hair,
their hands up like roller-coaster riders.
Official White 32.
ZED AND OH
(WHOOPING)
Woooo! Woooo! Yeah!
PULL BACK TO
REVEAL:
THE CART
with them riding on it, plodding slowly into a FARMING
HAMLET,°a cluster of small, roughly plastered mud houses with
thatched roofs.
ADAM, dour, hard-working and long-suffering, but still strong
and upright, trudges home with a metal scythe over his
shoulder. He could be Max Von Sydow.
ADAM
(hailing Cain)
Cain, my son!
CAIN
Hail, Father.
Cain stops the cart and dismounts with Zed and Oh.
CAIN (cont'd)
Can these guys stay for supper?
(off Adam's questioning
LOOK)
I bring strangers who would sojourn
with us this night.
Cain turns to Zed and Oh and furtively mimes an elaborate lip-
sewing gesture, ancient precursor to the modern lip-zipper.
ADAM
Greetings, strangers. I am called
Adam and you are welcome to share
the fruits of our toil.
ZED
Thanks, but I'm kind of staying
away from fruit for the time being.
Zed gives Cain a subtle, acquiescent nod as Adam ushers them
into his crude dwelling.
33.
Official White
17
17 INT. ADAM'S DWELLING - NIGHTFALL
The rude dwelling has a stark, somber, almost Amish feeling
to it. Zed and Oh sit at the table sharing a simple meal youngest
with Adam, Cain and his
Adam's wife EVE and h
them, Lilith's tunic gaping open to reveal her breasts every
time she leans over to put something on the table. Zed and
Oh can't take their eyes off her.
ADAM
(to Cain)
Where is thy brother, Abel?
CAIN
(badly overplaying)
Abel? Haven't seen him. I thought
he was with you.
(to Zed and Oh)
You guys see him?
They shake their heads and cough nervously.
ZED AND OH
(equally unconvincing)
Nape. Not that I remember. Never
seen anybody-- anywhere-- anytime --
ever.
ADAM
(to Cain)
Your sister Lilith said she saw him
in the field with you.
CAIN
I think that was yesterday.
ADAM
No, this day. She said you both
made offerings.
CAIN
That might've been Boaz---
ADAM
No, you and Abel. She said it
looked like you were arguing.
CAIN
Hey, we're brothers, we argue
sometimes- it's not that big a
deal.
Official White 34.
ADAM
And his flock was untended in the
PASTURE--
CAIN
(EXPLODES)
Okay! What am I-- his keeper? Get
off my back, will you?
He smashes his plate against the wall and storms out. An
awkward silence as Zed and Oh exchange guilty looks.
ADAM
I fear the worst for Abel. I am
sorely vexed.
ZED
Yeah, that's got to be pretty
vexing.
A Bergmanesque gloom fills the hovel as Adam muses sullenly
on his sorry circumstances.
ADAM
For my sin the ground is cursed.
Thorns and thistles does it sprout
for us, and we are doomed to toil
all the days of our lives. For as
the Lord has commanded, by the
sweat of your brow shall you get
bread to eat until you return to
the ground from which you were
taken. For dust you are, and to
dust shall you return.
ZED
Wow. That's kind of a downer isn't
it?
ADAM
It's the way of the world.
ZED
Boy, I hope not.
ADAM
(rises abruptly)
You are welcome to stay the night
and lay with my daughter Lilith.
Zed looks at the luscious Lilith, then back at Adam.
Official White 35.
ZED
I'm waiting for the punchline.
ADAM
She is without a husband, and as
the Lord has said, thou shalt be
fruitful and multiply.
Lilith nods demurely and exits through a curtain. Zed starts
to follow her out.
OH
Hey! What about me?
ADAM
You may share the bed of my son
Seth.
ZED
Yeah, there you go.
(he exits)
Oh looks at Seth.
SETH
I multiplied with a sheep.
(Oh just stares at him)
My thingie smells like lamb chops.
18 INT. LILITH'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS 18
Zed enters the room. Lilith reclines on a cot with a straw
mattress.
LILITH
(making room on the cot)
My bed is small but you're welcome
to share it. It's the way of my
people.
ZED
(lying down beside her)
And that's a good way to be. In
fact, I'm kind of surprised a
pretty girl like you is sleeping
alone anyway. I would've thought
guys would be lined up at the door.
LILITH
I don't like men.
Official White 36.
ZED
(moving closer)
Maybe you just haven't met the
right one.
LILITH
I like girls.
ZED
(SUAVE)
So we have that in common--
LILITH
(stares at him for a beat)
I'm attracted to women.
ZED
(a beat)
I don't even know what that means.
What does that mean?
LILITH
I like to have sex with other
women.
ZED
(stares at her for a long
MOMENT)
I'm really not getting this.
Lilith shakes her head, turns away from him, and pulls up her
blanket. Zed shrugs and rolls over to sleep. They lie there
quietly in the dark for a long beat. Then--
Zed (cont'd)
You're kidding! Whoa! That's
amazing!
19 INT. SETH'S ROOM - SAME TIME 19
Oh is lying next to Seth, wide-awake, trying to stay as far
away from him as possible.
SETH
Oooh, listen to this one.
Seth lifts his knees to his chest and farts a surprisingly
long cadenza.
OH
That's really good.
Official White 37.
SETH
Want to see a trick?
OH
Do I have to?
CUT TO:
20 EXT. ADAM'S DWELLING - DAYBREAK 20
In the yard behind the house, Oh is helping Cain as he chops
firewood with a metal axe. Oh now wears a tunic like the
farmers.
CAIN
It's been the same damn thing my
whole life.
(swings the axe-- thwack!)
"Why can't you be more like Abel?"
(thwack!)
"Oh, your sacrifice was good, too,
but Abel's was-- wow!"
(thwack!)
OH
(trying to change the
SUBJECT)
Your brother Seth is an interesting
guy. Did you know he can put his
penis in his mouth?
Adam and Zed come out of his dwelling.
KINSMEN from other dwellings start gathering.
ADAM
Cain!
CAIN
Yeah, hey-- where's everybody
going?
ADAM
To look for Abel.
CAIN
(MUTTERS)
Good luck.
ADAM
What did you say?
Official White 38.
CAIN
(louder, mock sincerity)
I said good luck. I'm really
worried about him.
He turns aside and makes a goofy sarcastic face for Oh's
benefit.
ADAM
You're not coming?
CAIN
Yeah, I am. I just have to finish
toiling over here, then I'm right
behind you.
Adam and the others hurry off, and as soon as they're gone,
Cain rushes over and starts harnessing the oxen to the cart.
CAIN (cont'd)
(to Zed and Oh)
Now listen, I'm getting out of
here, and you better come with me.
I have a feeling they're going to
try and blame this whole "Abel-
killing-thing" on you.
ZED
Why would they blame us?
CAIN
Because when they find him and his
head is all bashed in, they're
going to start pointing fingers,
and you guys are drifters, so
they'll put two and two together
and that makes--
He stares expectantly at Zed and Oh.
CAIN (cont'd)
Four! It makes four! Now stop
asking so many questions and hop
on. We gotta get out of here!
He urgently whips the oxen and they climb aboard as the cart
lumbers forward.
CUT TO:
Official White 39.
21 EXT. WHEAT FIELD - MINUTES LATER
21
Adam and the other farmers discover Abel's body.
ADAM
(BITTERLY)
CAIN--
(to the others)
After him!
The farmers shout and race back to the hamlet.
CUT TO:
22 EXT. THE HAMLET - MINUTES LATER
22
Adam and the other farmers jump onto two more oxcarts and set
out after Cain, Zed and Oh.
CUT TO:
23 EXT. CART PATH - LATER 23
Cain's cart lumbers along. He looks back over his shoulder.
CAIN
(urgently, to Zed and Oh)
They're gaining on us!
Zed and Oh look back.
THEIR POV
The other oxcarts are a hundred yards back, "chasing" them at
maybe two miles per hour.
Cain whips his oxen and they step up the pace to 3 MPH.
CAIN
(GLEEFUL)
Hah! They'll never catch us now!
An aerial view shows Cain's cart slowly pulling away from his
pursuers.
Suddenly a bolt of lightning splits the bright blue sky and
strikes Cain right on the forehead, knocking him back into
the cart. He sits up stunned, with a still-smoking, jagged
burn mark on his forehead.
Official White 40.
CAIN (cont'd)
(dazed but exhilarated)
Wow! What are the odds of that?!
(feeling the burn mark)
Am I lucky or what?
Zed and Oh exchange doubtful looks and glance nervously at
the sky.
CUT TO:
24 EXT. THE SEASHORE - DAY 24
The ox cart approaches a small trading settlement on the
seacoast, a kind of makeshift tent city around a central
marketplace. Several dhows are tied up at the shore, camels
and pack animals are tethered on the fringes, while TRADERS
and MERCHANTS inspect newly arrived goods and haggle over
prices.
25 EXT. MARKETPLACE - DAY - LATER 25
Zed, Oh and Cain wander through the crowded market. PEOPLE
OF EVERY RACE dressed in all manner of exotic garb buy, sell,
and barter goods from distant lands. Zed and oh gawk like a
couple of yokels.
ZED
Look at all these people! And this
stuff!
Oh approaches a bakery stand and stares hungrily at the
bread.
OH
(to the Merchant)
Can I have one of those?
He reaches for a loaf but the MERCHANT strikes his hand with
a cane.
OH (cont'd)
Ow!
MERCHANT
Two silver pieces.
CAIN
(HUNGRY)
We're gonna need some money.
Official White 41.
ZED
Yeah, we're gonna need money.
(an afterthought)
What's money?
They see a crowd at the center of the market gathered around
a raised platform.
SLAVES IN SHACKLES are lined up on the raised wooden platform
while CUSTOMERS examine those waiting to be auctioned.
The AUCTIONEER brings up a fnuscular male slave in a
loincloth.
ZED (cont'd)
It's Marlak!
Marlak's hands are bound and he's restrained by a chain
attached to a thick leather collar around his neck.
AUCTIONEER
(addresses the crowd)
Next up, an unusual item-- looks
like a Caucasian-- he's big, he's
strong, he's a good breeder, so I'm
going to start at 100 gold minas.
Do I hear 100?
As the bidding starts, Zed spots Maya, his sister Eema, and
Enmebaragesi among the chained-up slaves waiting to be sold.
Zed and Oh push their way through the crowd and go to them.
ZED
(amazed to see them)
Eema! Maya!
The women embrace him with relief and excitement.
OH
(SHEEPISH)
Hi, Eema.
EEMA
Oh.
ZED
What happened? How did you get
here?
Official white 42.
MAYA
Well, after the fire--
(she shoots him an
accusing look))
--the hill tribes raided the
village. The men fought them but
they were too many. They took us
captive, marched us to the sea,
then traded us to the boat people
who brought us here.
OH
(to Eema)
Are you all right? Did they-- rape
you?
EEMA
(SHRUGS)
Just a little.
Zed and Oh look at her curiously.
The SLAVE TRADER sees them talking to Eema and approaches.
SLAVE TRADER
You interested in some slaves?
ZED
(like a prospective buyer)
Yeah, this one looks pretty good--
He starts prodding, poking and squeezing Maya's arm like he's
buying fruit. Oh takes the opportunity to fondle Eema's
breasts. She punches him.
Zed (cont'd)
Ooh, feisty! So how does this work
if we want them?
The slave trader notes Zed's peasant clothes.
SLAVE TRADER
You have money?
ZED
(CAGEY)
Well, that depends on what you mean
by money?
SLAVE TRADER
Look, pal, money talks and bullshit
walks. I don't have time for looky-
loos.
Official white 43.
Cain steps up and intercedes.
CAIN
(GRANDLY)
Perhaps I can help.
(confidentially to Zed and
OH)
Let me talk to the guy. Maybe I
can make a deal with him. You guys
wait here.
Cain puts his arm around the slave trader's shoulder and
walks him away.
CAIN (cont'd)
(to the slave trader)
So what are we lookin' at here?
From a distance, Zed and Oh watch them talking, but can't
hear what they're saying.
OH
(to Eema)
What an amazing coincidence--
running into you and Maya and them.
ZED
You still think it's all just a
coincidence? All of us here right
now, at this particular place, at
this particular time?
OH
(THINKS)
I don't know. Why do you think?
ZED
I'm not sure yet, but I'm starting
to believe that everything happens
for a reason. Like, why did I eat
the forbidden fruit?
OH
To get laid?
MAYA
Hey!
ZED
Official White 44.
Okay, that might have been what I
was thinking at the time, but what
if some omnipotent force put the
fruit there because I was supposed
to eat it?
OH
which omnipotent force?
ZED
What do you mean "which" omnipotent
force? How many omnipotent forces
could there be?
OH
I don't know! What's "omnipotent"
mean?
ZED
Work with me-- I'm just speculating
here. Let's call this force "God";
and let's say this "God" is
controlling everything. Maybe God
wanted me to have the knowledge of
good and evil.
OH
Why would he want that?
MAYA
How do you know God's a "He?"
Zed rolls his eyes.
ZED
Don't you get what I'm saying?
What if we've been chosen?
MAYA
You think we've been chosen by God?
ZED
Well, no offense, but it's possible
that I was chosen and you all just
happened to be there.
OH
Why would God choose you? Why
wouldn't he choose Marlak? He's
stronger.
Official White 45.
ZED
A chosen doesn't need to be strong.
I'm big this way.
(points to his temples)
OH
You do have a fat face.
ZED
Not my face, my brain. It's
enormous. I'm the smartest guy in
the village.
OH
(SCOFFS)
You're not even-- I'm smarter than
you!
ZED
What?!
(to ANOTHER VILLAGER)
Which one of us is smarter?
VILLAGER
You're both idiots!
ZED
Oh yeah, then why are we free and
you're chained up?
VILLAGER
Because of you?
CAIN
(calls them over)
Hey! Come here. I think we worked
something out.
ZED
(confidently, to Maya)
Sit tight. I'm going to get you
out of here. Do you trust me?
MAYA
(HEDGING)
I want to trust you.
ZED
Fair enough.
She gives him an encouraging hug, then Zed and Oh cross to
Cain and the slave trader.
Official White 46.
ZED (cont'd)
(to Cain)
Good work. What's the deal?
The slave owner smiles.
CUT TO:
26 EXT. SLAVE MARKET - A LITTLE LATER 26
Zed and Oh are dragged onto the platform in shackles and leg
irons.
They see Cain riding off on a donkey. He holds up a bag of
coins and waves goodbye.
ZED
I never trusted that guy.
OH
(SARCASTIC )
Why? Just 'cause he murdered his
brother and got hit by lightning?
They are pushed to the front of the platform.
SLAVE TRADER
(to the crowd)
All right! Next up is a twofer--
I'm selling them as a pair-- I know
they don't look like much-- but I'm
starting the bidding at sixty gold
minas. Do I hear sixty?
(NOTHING)
Remember, it's two for one here.
Do I hear fifty? Anyone? That's
only twenty-five apiece, folks.
(NOTHING)
Zed looks out at the crowd, starting to get offended.
SLAVE TRADER (cont'd)
You're breaking my heart here. How
about forty? Do I hear forty?
(NOTHING)
ZED
(to Oh)
It's not like I want to be a slave
or anything, but this is
embarrassing!
Official white 47.
SLAVE TRADER
Thirty-five? Thirty?
ZED
(SHOUTS)
Come on, people! We're a steal at
thirty!
OH
They probably don't know how smart
you think you are.
Finally, a Bedouin SHEIK raises his giraffe-tail fly whisk
and waves it at the slave trader.
SLAVE TRADER
Yes! Sold to Sheikh Hassan for 30
gold minas!
(to Zed and Oh)
Have a good time in the salt mines,
boys.
CUT TO:
27 EXT. DESERT - LATER THAT DAY 27
A small CARAVAN OF CAMELS AND DONKEYS loaded with trade goods
moves across the arid wasteland. The effete SHEIKH rides the
lead camel, protected from the blistering sun by a colorful
canopy. A FEW ARMED BEDOUIN GUARDS ride alongside.
Bringing up the rear is A LARGE FOUR-WHEELED CART DRAWN BY
HORSES, basically a cage on wheels into which TWENTY NEWLY
PURCHASED SLAVES have been crammed, jammed together like
sardines.
Zed and Oh are in the middle of the body pile, literally
cheek by jowl with the other slaves, barely able to move. I
Eema is right next to Oh, her body pressed tight against his.
Oh shifts around, repositioning his arms and body trying to
get more comfortable and give Eema a little space, but he
just ends up touching her even more.
OH
(EMBARRASSED)
Excuse me-- I'm sorry--
(his hand gets stuck
between her breasts)
That's not good--
He jerks his hand away, elbowing Marlak in the face.
Official White 48.
Marlak growls and grabs Oh by the throat, but the struggle
forces everyone else to shift which causes even more
discomfort.
THE OTHER SLAVES
Ow! Hey! Cut that out!
Zed tries to turn his head to see who's behind him.
ZED (CONT'D)
(GROUCHY)
Hey, pal! You can take your foot
out of my ass anytime now.
(BEAT)
And your foot is still there. If I
turn around, you will be sorry.
Zed twists violently and manages a full turn which brings him
face to face and crotch to crotch with Maya.
ZED (cont'd)
That's better.
MAYA
For you maybe.
ZED
Look, I want you to know I blame
myself for everything that
happened.
MAYA
So does everybody else.
MARLAK
(over his shoulder)
Get away from my woman!
ZED
(IRRITATED)
I don't think that's going to be
possible. And I told you before,
she's not "your woman."
MARLAK
I'll kill you!
Marlak starts muscling and squirming his way through the body
pile trying to get to Zed.
THE OTHER SLAVES
Hey! Watch it, jerk!
Official White 49.
It's too cramped to even throw a punch, so Marlak uses a
RANDOM SLAVE'S HEAD as a weapon to bang against zed's head
repeatedly.
RANDOM SLAVE
(MEEKLY)
Why?
Suddenly Zed feels Marlak's hands around his neck, grabbing
him from behind. Zed struggles but Marlak manages to pull
him into a full headlock, forcing Zed's face into his hairy
armpit.
ZED
(MUFFLED)
Ecchhh!
Oh is vaguely aware of the fight going on but can't move.
OH
(calling to Zed)
Hold on! I'm coming!
Oh tries to maneuver to Zed, but can't move an inch.
OH (CONT'D) (cont'd)
If everyone could just move to the
right. Please? Thank you in
advance for your cooperation.
(then, giving up hope)
You can do it, Zed! Use his weight
against him!
Marlak now has Zed locked in a lethal choke hold.
28
28 EXT. THE SLAVE WAGON - CONTINUOUS
A BEDOUIN GUARD notices the commotion and bangs the bars of
the cage with his staff.
BEDOUIN
(shouts at the slaves)
Knock it off! Don't make me come
in there!
ZED
(MASHED)
I'd like to see you try.
The Bedouin is just about to respond when suddenly A METAL
TIPPED ARROW FLIES IN AND PIERCES HIS THROAT. He drops to
the sand, dead.
Official White 50.
A BATTLE CHARIOT
comes flying over the crest of the wadi followed by TWENTY
ARMORED FOOT SOLDIERS wearing bronze helmets and
breastplates.
The soldiers attack the caravan, slashing and slicing the
Bedouin guards.
Their commander, SARGON, his helmet topped with a magnificent
plume, rides up in the chariot and with one mighty stroke of
his sword cuts the head off ANOTHER BEDOUIN GUARD.
Marlak reaches through the bars, grabs the fallen Bedouin's
sword and hacks off the lock on the door of the slave wagon.
The door flies open and the slaves tumble, jump and stumble
out onto the ground.
Zed and Oh look around, gawking at the massacre taking place.
Then Zed sees Marlak, sword in hand, looking for him.
SARGON
(shouts an order)
Take the slaves!
Marlak starts for Zed but two soldiers ride up and throw a
heavy restraining net over him.
Zed grabs oh and takes off running over the nearest sand
dune.
Sargon watches them flee.
A SOLDIER
Sir, shall I pursue them?
SARGON
No. Let the desert have them.
They won't get far.
CUT TO:
29 EXT. THE DESERT - SUNSET 29
The soldiers are camped for the night. The slaves are back
in their cage. Sargon the commander stops to instruct the
GUARD.
Official White 51.
SARGON
Tend to the slaves. We leave for
Sodom before daybreak.
GUARD
Yes, sir.
30
30 ZED AND OH
They lie hidden behind a sandy ridge watching from a short
distance.
ZED
(WHISPERS)
I wonder who they are. Their hats
are really great, aren't they?
OH
Their hats? I'm sorry, but when
that one guy cut the other guy's
head off, my first thought wasn't,
"Gee, what a great hat."
ZED
It wasn't my very first thought,
but I'd be lying if I said it
wasn't up there.
(WATCHFUL)
Now we just need to figure out a
way to rescue Maya and Eema.
OH
How are we going to rescue anybody?
They're killers!
ZED
(WILY)
Patience, my friend. Even killers
have to sleep sometime.
He keeps a sharp, wakeful eye on the enemy camp.
DISSOLVE TO:
31 THE MORNING SUN 31
Zed and Oh fast asleep on the ridge. They slowly wake up.
Official White 52.
ZED
(SCRATCHING)
Well, that was refreshing. How'd
you sleep?
OH
(YAWNS)
Not that well. I think I was over-
tired.
Then Zed suddenly remembers Maya. He looks and sees that the
soldiers and slaves are long gone.
ZED
Shit!
He leaps to his feet, looks around desperately, and sees
nothing but a vast wasteland in every direction.
OH
Now where do we go?
Zed sniffs the air, puts his ear to the ground, and tastes
the sand.
ZED
I have no idea.
CUT TO:
32 ZED AND OH 32
trudging across the desert in the blistering heat, growing
weaker, stumbling and falling.
OH
(too weak to move)
Why do I listen to you? Now we're
going to starve to death or die of
thirst.
ZED
Will you stop being so negative? I
got your back, man. Who saved you
from those lions when you were a
baby? They were going to pounce,
had you surrounded. Took the mama
lion-- BAM!-- kneed her right in
the face. Papa lion comes flying
at me-- BAM!-- dropped an elbow,
knocked his ass out.
(MORE)
Official White 53.
ZED (cont'd)
Took his legs-- THWOOM!-- tossed
him in the river. And the rest
just ran off.
OH
You know, I've asked people about
that and no one else seems to
remember it.
ZED
Yeah, because nobody else was
there. You're lucky I was walking
by.
(THEN)
Okay, it's possible I dreamed that--
but who practically raised you
after your father was dragged off
by those raccoons? Not a dignified
death.
OH
(practically delirious)
He was a small man.
Oh collapses face down in the sand.
Pull back to reveal that they are surrounded by hungry
jackals, vultures and hyenas.
ZED
We've got to keep moving.
(hauls Oh to his feet)
I've got you, buddy-- just like
always.
He puts Oh over his shoulder and stumbles on.
33 EXT. ROCKY HILLSIDE - LATER 33
A MAN in his sixties, tall, full beard, piercing eyes and
fierce nose, dressed in a robe and kafiyya, arranges firewood
on a large flat rock. His TEENAGE SON looks around
curiously. They are ABRAHAM and ISAAC.
ISAAC
Hey, Dad? We making a burnt
offering?
ABRAHAM
Yes, Isaac. As God has commanded
me.
Official White 54.
ISAAC
(CONFUSED)
I don't see the sheep.
ABRAHAM
The Lord will provide the sheep.
Abraham takes a cord and starts tying Isaac's hands together.
ISAAC
(NERVOUSLY)
Uh-- is this like a magic trick?
Without another word Abraham takes strong hold of Isaac and
lifts him up onto the firewood.
ISAAC (cont'd)
(really scared now)
Okay, if this is because I didn't
clean up my tent, you can stop now.
I get it.
Then Abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his
robe.
ISAAC (cont'd)
(PANICKED)
All right, this isn't funny
anymore!
Abraham raises the knife.
ISAAC (cont'd)
I'm telling mom!
The knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy.
ZED (O.C.)
STOP!
Abraham and Isaac both turn to see Zed and Oh step out from
behind the rocks. Their clothes are tattered and they are
burnt raw by the sun.
ZED (cont'd)
What are you doing to that kid?
ABRAHAM
(INNOCENTLY)
Nothing.
Official White 55.
ZED
What do you mean, nothing? You
were just going to kill him!
ABRAHAM
No, I was going to sacrifice him.
There's a difference.
ZED
(indicating Isaac)
Not to him, I'm guessing.
Isaac nods gratefully.
ABRAHAM
By what right do you interfere?
Art thou an angel of the Lord?
ZED
(good question)
What do you think?
ABRAHAM
(nods sagely)
Verily, thou wast sent to stay my
hand by the Eternal one, blessed be
He.
ZED
(NODS)
Whatever you just said.
Oh helps Isaac off the altar stone and unties him.
ISAAC
(confidentially to Oh)
He's nuts! I'm telling you-- he's
totally lost it.
ABRAHAM
(to Zed)
I am Abraham, son of Terah of the
house of Nahor.
ZED
I am Zed and this is Oh, sons of--
people you wouldn't know.
Official White 56.
ABRAHAM
The tents of my kinsmen lie just
beyond. There will you find all
that you desire. Come.
CUT TO:
34 EXT. HEBREW ENCAMPMENT 34
Abraham leads Isaac, Zed and Oh past the colorful tents of
his people. The camp is alive with activity.
35 INT. ABRAHAM'S TENT - NIGHT 35
The spacious tent is lit by torches, and a feast is in
progress. TWENTY OR THIRTY BEARDED MEN in skullcaps and long
robes lounge on cushions or sit cross-legged in a circle on
the carpeted floor.
An EGYPTIAN BELLY DANCER shakes her hips for the pleasure of
Abraham who occupies the place of honor.
Zed and oh, now also wearing robes and skullcaps, are sitting
right beside him eating and drinking everything in sight.
Isaac sits beside them.
ABRAHAM claps his hands for attention. Zed and Oh look up as
the music stops.
ABRAHAM
(to the assembly)
My brothers, let us give thanks
unto God for staying my hand on the
mountain this day.
ISAAC
(humoring him)
Best dad in all the land, everyone!
THE KINSMEN
(a ritual response, in
UNISON)
Praise be to God, hallowed be His
name.
ABRAHAM
And for the bounty which He hath
bestowed unto us.
Official white 57.
THE KINSMEN
(in unison)
He hath increased our wealth and
blessed us with His loving
kindness.
Zed and Oh mutter along, trying to fit in.
ZED AND OH
(a beat late)
--mumble mumble mumble loving
kindness.
Abraham looks at them.
ABRAHAM
Friends, whence comest thou?
Zed and Oh look at each other blankly.
ISAAC
(HELPFULLY)
He wants to know where you're from.
ABRAHAM
(SUSPICIOUS)
Thou comest not from the cities of
the plain? From Sodom or Gomorrah?
Zed perks up at the mention of Sodom, recalling the
destination of the soldiers who took Maya and the others.
ZED
Sodom and Gomorrah? Never been
there. But I've heard of them.
OH
Are they nice?
ABRAHAM
The Lord has cursed them for their
abomination.
ZED
(nods gravely)
i didn't know that. What kind of
abomination are we talking about?
ABRAHAM
They bow down before false Gods and
worship graven images.
Official White 58.
ZED
(clicks his tongue)
Abominable.
ABRAHAM
The men of the city are weak and
soft, fat with rich food,
intoxicated by strong drink.
ZED
(sounds good to him)
Really. Tell me more.
ABRAHAM
Their women are whores; their
shameless lust knows no bounds.
They flaunt their flesh without
shame and any man may have
knowledge of them.
OH
(he's sold)
And where exactly are those cities?
ZED
(off Abraham's stern look)
We just want to know so we can
avoid them.
ABRAHAM
(FIERCELY)
Walk not the path of Sodom! For
surely will the Lord send his holy
fire to destroy the city and all
who dwell within, to smite them and
all their seed for their iniquity.
ZED
(CONCERNED)
When do you think all this smiting
is going to go down? We may have
some friends there.
ABRAHAM
(getting up)
Accompany me.
Abraham sweeps out of the tent. Zed and Oh jump to their
feet and follow. Isaac tags along.
Official white 59.
36 EXT. THE TENT - CONTINUOUS 36
Abraham walks to the edge of the desert. Torchlight from the
camp flickers on his face as he gazes across the desolate
moonlit landscape.
ZED
Abraham, I'm a little worried about
the city being destroyed.
ABRAHAM
Their fate is sealed. But for my
faith and devotion, the self-same
God has given unto me the whole of
this land, from the Jordan to the
Negev, from the river of Egypt to
the great Euphrates. This did He
grant to me and my seed.
He raises his arms and spreads them wide.
ZED
(IMPRESSED)
This is all your land?
ABRAHAM
For eternity.
ISAAC
(SCOFFS)
Yeah, God just forgot to tell
anyone else. we're having a war
with someone like every five
minutes.
ABRAHAM
(scowls at him)
I and my kinsmen have vanquished
our enemies by the mighty hand of
the Lord, praised be He.
Zed and Oh fake their way through a ritual response.
ZED
His name is praise and love his
whole graciousness--
OH
--of his wealthy bounty.
Abraham gets a strange faraway look in his eyes.
Official White 60.
ABRAHAM
Therefore, to signify my Covenant
with the One True God, on this
night will I circumcise the flesh
of my foreskin, and of you and
every male who dwells hereby.
ZED OH
Excuse me? I'm not clear--
ISAAC
Here we go again--
ABRAHAM
we will grasp the foreskins of our
penises and cut therefrom the extra
flesh.
ZED
(AGHAST)
I'm not sure I have any extra.
OH
Couldn't we could just get our ears
pierced?
ISAAC
(aside to Zed)
Okay, what did I tell you-- nuts?
ZED
You know, Abe, it's late, and we've
all had a lot to drink, and I know
this whole foreskin thing sounds
like a good idea now, but you may
just want to sleep on it. we could
always cut 'em off in the morning,
but if we do it now, there's just
no putting it back on later.
ABRAHAM
No. So it shall be written, so it
shall be done.
(to Isaac)
Get my big knife.
Zed and Oh both reflexively cover their crotches.
CUT TO:
Official white 61.
37 EXT. THE DESERT - NIGHT 37
Zed and oh stumble over the rocky hills. They hear a PAINED
SCREAM from someone being circumcised back at Abraham's camp.
OH
You have any idea where we're
going?
ZED
To the city. I have to find Maya.
OH
The city! He said God's going to
smite them with holy fire!
ZED
And you're going to listen to him?
You think he's more chosen than me?
OH
He seemed to know what he was
talking about.
ZED
Yes, and he also wanted to give his
dick a little trim.
VOICE (O.C.)
Hey, wait up!
Zed and Oh turn to see Isaac running towards them.
ISAAC
(out of breath)
I'm coming with you.
ZED
You don't even know where we're
going.
ISAAC
You're going to Sodom, right?
ZED
No. Your dad specifically said
Sodom and Gomorrah were evil.
ISAAC
Yeah, whatever. If I show you how
to get there, will you buy me a
bottle of wine?
Official White 62.
ZED
No! I told you, that's not where
we're going.
ISAAC
Fine. Then we'll just stand here.
ZED
Fine.
They stand there for less than a beat.
ZED (cont'd)
Okay, you win. Take us to Sodom.
Isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points
off in the distance.
THEIR POV
Shining in the moonlight, the magnificent city of Sodom set
atop a broad hill surrounded by high walls.
ZED
I knew it was right around here.
ISAAC
Me and my friends sneak in on the
weekends. We hang around, pick up
on the babes, drink some wine, get
wasted on killer hash--
ZED
You shouldn't be smoking either.
ISAAC
Thanks, Grandpa, but I've been
smoking for four harvests, so I
think I'm okay.
They start down toward the city.
CUT TO:
38 EXT. CITY GATES - NIGHT 38
Zed, Oh and Isaac gape at the high masonry walls as they
approach the massive solid wooden gates.
Official White 63.
OH
Gee, they're not open. We should
probably come back later.
ISAAC
You just have to knock. They
always let me in.
(to Oh)
Go ahead.
OH
Me? Why do I have to knock? What
if we're waking somebody up? Let's
just get out of here.
ZED
Where? Back to the penis-cutter?
Besides, Eema and Maya might be in
there. You want to get them out
before the city's destroyed, don't
you?
Isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the
door.
ISAAC
(SHOUTING)
Hey! Anybody there? Hello?
Suddenly Zed and Oh are yanked off their feet from behind and
slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. Isaac quickly
runs away.
SENTRY
(shouts at him)
Halt!
Isaac stops a safe distance away and turns back to taunt the
guards.
ISAAC
You gonna make me?
(dancing and dodging like
a boxer)
You and what army?
ZED
(shouts to Isaac)
Get help! Tell your father!
ISAAC
(shouts back)
Yeah!
(MORE)
Official White 64.
ISAAC (cont'd)
Like I'm really gonna tell my
father I came with you to Sodom.
So long, suckers!
He takes off running.
ZED
(to Oh)
I kinda get why his dad wanted to
kill him.
The sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner
of the city gates.
CUT TO:
39 INT. GATEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 39
The sentries shove them into a small guard post and throw
them up against the wall. THREE OTHER GUARDS look up at the
new arrivals.
FIRST GUARD
What's this now?
SENTRY
They were banging on the gate.
Hebrews, from the look of them.
ZED
We're not really Hebrews--
The guard smacks him in the mouth.
ZED (cont'd)
Okay. Lesson learned. No talking.
SENTRY
Should we wake the Sergeant?
FIRST GUARD
You don't want to do that. He gets
pretty mean when you wake him.
OH
Meaner than this?
The sentry grabs Oh's nipple and twists. Oh SCREAMS loudly.
The guards freeze at the sound of his scream and look
nervously to a closed door at one end of the room.
Official White 65.
SERGEANT
(from behind the door,
ROARS)
BLOODY HELL! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT
THERE!
Zed and Oh exchange worried looks. Then the door flies open
and the SERGEANT, a huge, angry, sadistic rhino of a man,
fills the door frame.
SERGEANT (cont'd)
Who the hell screamed?
They all point at Oh.
SERGEANT (cont'd)
(glowers at him)
I thought it was a woman.
He lumbers over and gets his face very close to Oh's.
SERGEANT (cont'd)
You don't look like a woman, but
maybe you want to kiss me anyway.
Is that right? You want to kiss
me?
Oh turns away from his foul breath.
The sergeant grabs Oh by the throat and practically lifts him
off the ground.
SERGEANT (cont'd)
By morning you'll be sorry you were
born.
OH
Don't have to wait 'til morning.
ZED
Hey! Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?
The sergeant drops Oh and turns to Zed.
ZED (cont'd)
(quickly backpedaling)
Which would be difficult since
there are probably very few people
around who actually are your size--
He smacks Zed hard on the side of the head.
Official White 66.
SERGEANT
(to another guard)
Get my big stick. I'll deal with
the fat one first.
ZED
(INSULTED)
Relatively fat one. I wouldn't be
talking about fat, if I were you.
Another blow from the sergeant.
ZED (cont'd)
Right. Enough said.
The sergeant rips open Zed's shirt exposing his back, then
steps up behind Oh and does the same. A guard hands him a
lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes.
SERGEANT
(to Zed and Oh)
Welcome to Sodom.
As he takes a big backswing, Zed and Oh shut their eyes and
prepare for the worst.
VOICE (O.C.)
Stop!
Zed and Oh turn to see Cain at the door, dressed like the
other guards in breastplate and helmet.
CAIN
Wait! I know these guys!
ZED AND OH
Cain?
CAIN
Brothers!!
He embraces them. They look confused and doubtful, but
relieved.
CUT TO:
40 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT - LATER 40
Cain leads them through the narrow crowded streets. People
avoid Cain's gaze and part like the Red Sea to allow him
through.
Official White 67.
CAIN
You know, you guys are lucky that
sergeant is a friend of mine. I
let him sodomize me once right
after I got here and he's been real
nice to me ever since.
OH
(SARCASTIC)
Yeah, thanks for saving us. What
are you going to do to us now?
Cain stops and looks at them.
CAIN
wait a second. Do I detect a tone
here?
ZED
All right, honestly? You did sell
us into slavery.
CAIN
(instantly offended)
Whoa whoa whoa! Hold a grudge
much? That was like a fortnight
ago.
ZED
That was way less than a fortnight.
Half a fortnight, maybe.
CAIN
Give me a break! I was dealing
with the death of a close family
member and I needed some space.
But now I realize that you guys are
like my brothers. And it's so rare
to find a brother that you love.
Right?
He embraces them.
ZED AND OH
(UNEASILY)
Right.
CAIN
(EXUBERANT)
Now, you guys hungry? Watch this.
Cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly
at the VENDOR. He raises his fist. The vendor cowers.
Official White 68.
CAIN (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(to Vendor)
That's two for flinching.
Cain grabs two lamb kebabs and hands them to Zed and Oh.
CAIN (cont'd)
That's the kind of love I'm talkin'
about.
As they eat hungrily, Zed makes eye contact with a prostitute
lounging in a doorway.
ZED
Check out that woman across the
street! She's looking at us.
The prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a
banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth.
OH
We are so in! She's eye-knowing us
like crazy.
CAIN
You're gonna love Sodom. Trust me.
It's crazy. This morning, I almost
got a handie behind that pita
stand.
OH
Well, I kind of have a girlfriend--
not a girlfriend, yet, but a girl I
like, so I shouldn't--
CAIN
Hey, what happens in Sodom, stays
in Sodom.
He takes a jug of wine from the stall of a WINE MERCHANT.
The merchant just bows obsequiously and keeps his mouth shut.
CAIN (cont'd)
You know, if you guys are staying
you should join the guards. The
pay's not great, but there's tons
of perks. I'm telling you, it's
the only way to go.
Cain grabs a piece of candy from a SMALL CHILD and stuffs it
in his mouth. The child starts crying, Cain kicks her in the
ass and she runs away.
Official White 69.
OH
(to the child)
Sorry.
CAIN
Come on, I'll introduce you to the
captain.
CUT TO:
41 EXT. BARRACKS - NEXT MORNING 41
A military drum roll and the blare of trumpets rouse the
garrison. GUARDSMEN come double-timing out of the barracks
and hurry to line up in formation.
Last to emerge are Zed and Oh who step leisurely out the door
now dressed as Royal Guards. Zed actually looks dashing, but
Oh's breastplate is too big and his helmet keeps slipping
down over his eyes.
ZED
This is great! How do I look?
OH
You look good, but I think my hat's
too big.
They notice an OFFICER staring at them.
OH (cont'd)
(to the officer)
Do you happen to know where I could
get a smaller hat?
The officer pops him on the head with a truncheon.
OFFICER
(ROARS)
Line up!
Zed and Oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop
marches off.
DISSOLVE TO:
42 EXT. CITY STREETS - LATER 42
Zed and Oh are on patrol with Cain in the heart of the city.
Official White 70.
ZED
So is this it? We just walk
around?
CAIN
Pretty much. We just look for
troublemakers and kick the living
shit out of 'em.
ZED
What kind of trouble?
CAIN
If we see a thief or a pickpocket,
we just slap him around-- maybe cut
off a finger or an ear, or the tip
of his nose, lower lip-- anything
you can just grab and slice in one
fluid motion-- then we take our
share of the loot and let him go.
Mostly what we worry about are
activist types, rabble rousers,
getting people all riled up against
the King or the Temple Priests.
That's death for sure.
ZED
Pretty harsh, isn't it?
CAIN
Harsh times, brother. We're in the
middle of a famine. People are
starving. If we don't get some
rain soon, it could get ugly.
(looking forward to it)
Then we'll get to start kicking ass
big time.
He stops to flog a BEGGAR with his hand out.
CAIN (cont'd)
Beat it, you filthy beggar!
OH
You can't blame people for being
hungry.
CAIN
Yeah, well, just remember, it's the
palace that pays you, not the
people.
Official White 71.
Suddenly, they hear a regal fanfare of approaching trumpets
and turn to look.
At the sound of the trumpets EVERYONE IN THE CROWDED SQUARE
falls to the ground and prostrates himself. Cain pulls Oh to
the ground but Zed is left standing there oblivious as the
ROYAL ENTOURAGE approaches.
Oh taps on Zed's leg trying to get his attention, but Zed
just ignores it, too transfixed to notice that he's the only
one standing.
EIGHT STRONG MALE SLAVES enter the square carrying an
ornately decorated litter shaded with a silk canopy. On it
is the PRINCESS INANNA, a stunning young woman, richly
dressed and bejeweled, with exotic eyes and luscious red
lips. A HANDMAIDEN rides along fanning her with a big
ostrich plume fan.
Zed sees the Princess and is instantly taken with her beauty.
Princess Inanna glances his way and can't help but notice
he's the only person in the square still standing. She gives
him a quizzical smile, then turns away imperiously.
As the litter passes, her handmaiden continues to stare at
Zed. He doesn't recognize her, but we do. It's Maya, now
elaborately costumed and made-up.
Zed gawks at the Princess, then suddenly a ROYAL GUARD knocks
him to the ground and stands on his neck as the rest of the
entourage passes.
ZED
(on the ground, excitedly
to Oh)
Did you see that girl? I think she
liked me! She looked right at me.
OH
Gee, I wonder why?
The royal guard takes his foot off Zed's neck and they all
get back to their feet.
ZED
Who was she?
CAIN
The Princess Inanna. She's totally
hot, but don't even think about it.
Official White 72.
ZED
Why not?
CAIN
Because she's royalty and you're
scum?
The entire crowd starts moving in the same direction as the
royal entourage.
OH
Where's everybody going?
CAIN
To the temple. Let's go.
(starts walking)
You have to see this.
ZED
(FOLLOWING)
Will she be there?
CAIN
Everybody will be there.
CUT TO:
43 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - MINUTES LATER 43
At the center of the square is a magnificent temple adorned
with elaborate carvings and monumental statues of pagan gods.
Before it is a great altar in front of a HUGE STONE IDOL.
The idol's mouth is a gaping fiery furnace. Behind the
temple, is a towering ZIGGURAT still under construction.
A HUNDRED TRUMPETERS AND DRUMMERS blast a solemn fanfare as
ORNATELY GARBED PRIESTS ceremoniously climb the stairs to the
altar.
ZED AND OH
stare at the spectacle.
44 THE ROYAL PAVILION 44
The Princess Inanna takes her seat near the KING, the QUEEN,
the MINISTERS and other NOBLES. Maya stands behind the
Princess and continues fanning her.
Zed spots the Princess on the pavilion.
Official white 73.
ZED
Hey, there she is!
He starts edging toward the royal pavilion.
45
45 THE PAVILION
Under a broad awning, the King and Queen snack from a table
covered with platters of exotic fruits and sweetmeats.
The King, an imposing man with Shakespearean gravity, wipes
his mouth and glances at the Princess Inanna.
KING
The Princess isn't eating?
INANNA
I find it hard to eat when so many
are hungry.
KING
(as if )
Your concern is enviable.
INANNA
(POUTY)
And besides, I'm so fat.
The Queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts.
QUEEN
(for the hundredth time)
You're not fat--
INANNA
Yes, I am, mother! Those new linen
pants you got me from Egypt make my
ass look just huge.
QUEEN
Well, you can't keep starving
yourself.
INANNA
Why not? Everybody else is
starving-- present company
excluded.
Official White 74.
KING
Careful, Princess. You may be my
step-daughter, but these are
dangerous times and those are
dangerous words. I weep for the
suffering of my people, but the
spirit of rebellion is alive in the
city and if necessary I will crush
it with every means at my disposal.
INANNA
(SARCASTIC)
For the good of the people.
KING
(warning her)
For the good of everyone who enjoys
the favor of the throne.
INANNA
Whatever. I'm just so incredibly
bored.
46 THE TEMPLE DOORS 46
The fanfare climaxes as the great temple doors slowly open
and the HIGH PRIEST emerges followed by a retinue of
PRIESTESSES and a dozen VESTAL VIRGINS. They walk in solemn
silence to ritual positions around the altar.
The High Priest is even more elaborately costumed than the
nobles, ridiculously so, standing very tall on high platform
shoes, with heavy eye makeup, his hair and beard even oilier
than the others. He turns to the altar, raises his hands to
the heavens and begins his invocation.
HIGH PRIEST
(intoning pompously)
O El, lord of Heaven and Earth;
Baal, the Sublime; Shapash, goddess
of the sun; Hadad, the storm god,
over-ruling son of Dagon, the
bountiful, god of grain, our
earthly sustenance--
ZED
He makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion
and stares up at the Princess Inanna.
She sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice.
Official white 75.
INANNA
Isn't that the idiot who was
standing up in the street?
Maya sees him, too, and starts fuming.
The High Priest continues.
HIGH PRIEST
We come before you in humble
supplication, invoking your
blessing, the sweet rain which
waters our fields, enriches the
harvest, fills our storehouses,
makes mighty the house of Ish-ka-bi-
baal and the city of Sodom--
The King nods graciously.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
--and feeds us, your children, with
the bounty of your grace.
PRINCESS INANNA
She glances at Zed again, but this time a slight smile
crosses her lips.
Zed grins back at her.
The Princess whispers something to her handmaiden Maya and
subtly points Zed out to her. Maya nods obediently, glaring
at Zed, and starts fanning the princess a little too
vigorously.
THE ALTAR
HIGH PRIEST
Accept now this humble sacrifice to
the power and glory of your
magnificence.
He starts inspecting the Vestal Virgins, beautiful young
women in diaphanous, almost transparent white gowns.
ZED AND OH
have no idea what's going on. Zed turns to the GUY NEXT TO
HIM.
Official White 76.
ZED
What's happening?
GUY
He's picking a virgin.
CAIN
(LASCIVIOUS)
Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh.
AT THE ALTAR
the High Priest is moving down the line of beautiful young
maidens. He comes to one SLUTTY GIRL who seems so obviously
not a virgin, he does a double take and kicks her out of the
line.
ZED AND OH
watching curiously.
ZED
What do they want a virgin for?
GUY
To throw into the fire.
ZED
(SHOCKED)
Why?
GUY
(like talking to an idiot)
Offering to the Gods. There's a
famine going on. If we don't make
a good sacrifice, it won't rain.
No rain, no harvest. No harvest,
no food. Get it?
CAIN
It's pretty self-explanatory.
OH
You throw the virgin in the fire so
it'll rain?
GUY
Duh.
ZED
Seems like a waste of a perfectly
good virgin to me.
Official white 77.
OH
(CONCERNED)
These virgins-- it's always a girl,
right?
AT THE ALTAR
A great cheer goes up as a girl is chosen. She swoons as the
priestesses slip off her vestment and two priests escort her
to the fiery mouth of the furnace.
HIGH PRIEST
For the love of the Gods and the
glory of their Creation, the great
dome of Heaven, the green growing
Earth, we commit this maiden to
your Holy Fire.
Another great cheer from the crowd as they throw her into the
fire.
ZED
(APPALLED)
This is just crazy.
Maya approaches them but Zed and Oh still don't recognize
her.
MAYA
(eyes downcast)
The Princess wishes to see you.
CAIN
(staring at her cleavage)
Her wish is my command.
MAYA
Not you. Him.
(points at Zed)
ZED
Me? Cool.
(then, motioning to Oh)
We're kind of a package deal. Can
he come with?
CAIN
The three of us are inseparable.
We're like brothers.
Cain squeezes both their shoulders and gives Maya an
artificial smile.
Official White 78.
Maya ignores Cain and points to Zed and Oh.
MAYA
The two of you follow me.
ZED
(to Cain)
I'll try to put in a good word for
you.
Cain fumes as Zed and Oh head off with Maya.
CUT TO:
47
47 EXT. PALACE - LATER
A SQUAD OF SENTRIES stands guard at the massive iron palace
gates. A CROWD OF BEGGARS is pressed against the gate
pleading for food. Zed and Oh approach led by Maya. The
guards brutally push the beggars aside and they enter.
48
48 INT. PALACE - COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS
Maya leads Zed and Oh through the gate and into a beautiful
atrium where they are met by a fat bald EUNUCH wearing the
royal livery.
MAYA
(to Oh)
This is Zaftig the Eunuch. You go
with him.
Oh is led away by the Eunuch as she takes Zed off in the
opposite direction.
OH
Can't I go with him?
EUNUCH
Why? Is he your lover?
OH
(laughs at the thought)
Hah! No? That would be weird.
LOVERS--
The Eunuch just shrugs, apparently not that weird to him.
OH (cont'd)
(COVERING)
So what do you do?
Official White 79.
EUNUCH
I serve the royal family-- little
of this, little of that. I've been
a palace eunuch since I was nine
years old.
OH
You've been living here since you
were nine?
(looks around, impressed)
I should look into that. How do
you get to be a eunuch?
EUNUCH
(MATTER-OF-FACT)
They cut off your testicles.
OH
(HORRIFIED)
What?! What's up with all the
genital mutilation?
EUNUCH
(SHRUGS)
Trust me, after a while you don't
even miss them.
OH
(EMPHATIC)
No, I'd miss them-- I'm sure. I
hardly got to use them yet.
The Eunuch leads him down the corridor.
CUT TO:
49 A SHEEP'S HEART, LIVER AND GUTS 49
land with a wet splat on a polished marble table.
INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM - SAME TIME
The High Priest, an extremely vain, officious, and fussy man,
still over-dressed in sacramental drag, pushes back his
sleeves and starts examining the entrails as the King and his
MINISTERS look on, deeply concerned.
KING
Six sacrifices in the last ten days
and still no rain. What do the
entrails predict?
Official White 80.
HIGH PRIEST
(nervously poking at the
sheep heart)
Well, the liver is streaked with
gray-- that's not a favorable sign--
but the heart looks good. See how
nice and red it is here. That's
always a good omen.
KING
What does it mean?
HIGH PRIEST
Usually it means that the sheep
took very good care of itself,
probably sticking to a high-fiber
diet of grass and hay.
KING
What does it mean for us?
HIGH PRIEST
Well, it could mean either a
surprise visit from a former friend
or sweetheart-- or that you're
going on a long sea voyage!
Wouldn't that be fun?
KING
(SCORNFUL)
How did you become High Priest?
HIGH PRIEST
Because I'm your brother?
PRIME MINISTER
Perhaps it's time for a new High
Priest.
HIGH PRIEST
(his eyes go wide)
Perhaps it's not time for a new
High Priest. Aaaahh!
He dramatically flings his fingers out at the Prime Minister,
as if wielding the power of the Gods.
Nothing happens.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
And let that be a warning to you.
Next time, I will hurl a lightning
bolt at your face.
(MORE)
Official White 81.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
(CONSIDERS)
Or a fire-ball.
PRIME MINISTER
(ignores him)
Majesty, there's talk of revolution
in the streets. Grain and oil are
scarce, prices are high, starving
peasants are pouring into the city
looking for food--
KING
Poverty has a bitter taste, but
it's the flavor they were born to.
It's the will of the Gods.
The Queen and Princess Inanna are lounging on cushioned
divans, listening.
INANNA
(BLASE)
Can the Gods really be so cruel?
QUEEN
I don't think that's cruel. It's
just practical. If everybody was
rich, who'd wait on us?
Maya approaches and whispers something to the Princess.
INANNA
Good. See that he's bathed and
dressed, then bring him to me.
Maya frowns and exits.
INANNA (cont'd)
(to the queen)
This should be amusing.
CUT TO:
50 INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - LATER 50
Maya leads Zed down a grand hallway. Zed is now wearing a
long flowing robe of silk brocade, fine sandals, and jewelry.
His hair has been combed and pulled back into a loose
ponytail. He stops to admire himself in a mirror.
ZED
What do you think, ponytail or no
ponytail? You know what?
(MORE)
Official White 82.
ZED (cont'd)
I'll start with the ponytail, see
where the night takes me.
Maya rolls her eyes and leads Zed to the entrance of the
Great Hall. Cain and another guard are posted at the door.
ZED (cont'd)
Hey, you made it! What's it like
inside?
CAIN
(POINTED)
I wouldn't know.- I'm just a guard
because my "brother" didn't pull
any strings with his friends in the
royal court.
ZED
Look, first of all, we're not
actually brothers---
CAIN
Just like Abel. I oughta just bash
your head in--
ZED
Hey! You didn't let me finish. As
soon as I get in there I'm going to
talk to somebody and get you
invited, okay?
CAIN
(UNCONVINCED)
Yeah, sure. Have a nice orgy.
Cain pulls open the big doors and Zed steps through the
portal. Cain tries to steal peeks inside as the heavy doors
slam shut.
CUT TO:
51 ZED'S POV 51
A full-scale ORGY is going on in a magnificent hall.
As Maya leads him into the room, Zed pulls his hair out of
the ponytail.
ZED
Feels like a hair-down kinda scene,
don't you think?
Official White 83.
MAYA
As you wish.
(POINTEDLY)
Be sure to try the fruit.
Zed looks at her and finally recognizes her.
ZED
Maya?! What are you doing here?
MAYA
I had no choice. I'm a slave,
remember?
ZED
I was going to rescue you! Really!
In fact, we came here to find you.
MAYA
(not buying it)
Wait here until you're sent for.
ZED
This wasn't my idea, you know.
MAYA
Of course not. You were just
chosen again. Maybe after you and
the Princess get together you can
start thinking about someone beside
yourself.
She walks off before he can answer.
Zed shakes his head, looks around the room, then STARTS
walking past a row of "LIVING STATUES," semi-nude men and
women on pedestals covered head to toe in gold body paint,
frozen in heroic postures that show off their beautiful
bodies.
Zed looks closely at one beautiful nude "GODDESS", then
furtively reaches out and fondles her breast. The goddess
slaps his hand, then resumes her pose.
GODDESS
watch it, jerk!
ZED
Hey! You're a real girl! That is
so cool.
Official White 84.
He moves down the row of living sculptures, mugging at them,
mock humping, and waving his hands in their faces trying to
make them move, but they remain frozen.
ZED (cont'd)
Amazing!
He comes to the LAST STATUE and does a double-take. This one
is wearing only a skimpy cloth diaper and is posed like
someone waiting for a bus. He is also painted gold, but
unlike the others, he has a little potbelly and round
shoulders, and can't seem to hold still for very long,
shifting his weight uncomfortably and looking around in
obvious embarrassment.
ZED (cont'd)
(recognizing him)
Oh?
Oh looks down from his pedestal.
OH
(through clenched teeth)
I'm not supposed to talk. I'm a
statue.
ZED
Yeah, you look so-- gold. How's it
going?
OH
How's it going? I just had my
whole body painted by a fat guy
with no balls, and believe me, he
was very thorough, if you know what
I mean. How's it going with you?
ZED
Not bad. Had a little rub and a
scrub, now I'm up for some grub.
OH
That sounds nice-- for you.
ZED
Hey! You'll never guess who's here-
- Maya! She's working here-- and
she looks great! But she's kinda
mad at me.
Oh scans the great hall looking for her and spots Zed's
sister Eema, his crush, come into the room carrying a tray of
food.
Official White 85.
OH
There's Eema!
Eema has been beautifully groomed and is now dressed as a
household slave. She stops to serve some rowdy OFFICERS who
take the opportunity to tease and fondle her. She tries to
pull away but Sargon, the general, grabs her arm.
SARGON
Stand still, wench! I want to see
what's under that skirt.
As he starts to lift her hem, she drops the whole tray of
food on him. His cohorts laugh.
EEMA
I'm sorry! It was an accident.
SARGON
That was no accident!
Sargon grabs her and raises his hand to hit her.
Zed steps in quickly.
ZED
You! Slave girl!
(he pulls her away from
SARGON)
I told you to fetch me more wine!
Apologize to this officer--- now!
EEMA
I'm sorry.
ZED
Now go-- fetch! Wait by that--
skinny statue. I'll deal with you
later.
As Eema exits, Zed turns to the officers and shrugs.
ZED (cont'd)
Slaves-- what are you gonna do?
SARGON
Try using a hot poker. That they
understand.
ZED
Ouch. Helpful hint. I will keep
that in mind.
Official White 86.
Zed bows, then leaves him and joins Eema who is waiting at
Oh's pedestal.
Zed (cont'd)
What are you doing here?
EEMA
We were sold to the palace. But I
won't serve these people! I'd
rather die!
ZED
Keep that up and you will.
EEMA
What are you doing here?
(notices his clothes)
Have you joined them?
OH
I haven't joined anything.
(re the gold body paint)
Does this look like fun?
They both look accusingly at Zed.
ZED
Okay, I know what you're thinking,
but I'm just checking it out. We
kept hearing that this place was so
evil, but now that I look around
I'm thinking maybe it's not all
bad. There's a lot to learn here.
OH
What? Like human sacrifice?
ZED
No! Like the wheel, for instance!
That's pretty awesome-- the way it
just goes around in a circle. And
farming! And metal-- writing,
money, pottery-- hot baths. Come
on! Back in the village we thought
sharpening a stick was a big
breakthrough.
EEMA
(to Oh)
What happened to him?
Official White 87.
ZED
Look, I think I've been chosen to
do something great with my life--
OH
Here we go again--
ZED
--and I don't think it's hunting
wild pigs and weaving baskets.
Maya returns for Zed.
MAYA
(COOLLY)
She wants to see you-- now.
ZED
I hope you don't think I'm
interested in her.
MAYA
(MIFFED)
Why would I think that? Just
because you couldn't take your eyes
off her--
ZED
I'm just using her, Maya! It's
part of my plan. I'm going to get
you all out of here as soon as I
can.
MAYA
(SKEPTICAL)
What's your plan?
ZED
(not a clue)
It's a secret.
MAYA
(not buying it)
Forget it.
Maya sees A GUARD watching them and reverts to her slave
attitude.
MAYA (cont'd)
(bowing to Zed)
The Princess awaits you.
Official White 88.
ZED
And I await her.
(to Oh and Eema)
You two await me.
(then confidentially to
Eema and Oh)
Stay out of trouble. I'll be back.
He exits with Maya.
EEMA
He has no idea what he's doing,
does he?
OH
I don't know. So much has
happened. Sometimes I think--
She walks away.
OH (cont'd)
(wistfully, to himself)
I love you.
52 THE HIGH PRIEST 52
Lounging on a divan surrounded by YOUNG MEN. Oh walks by
still painted gold.
HIGH PRIEST
(to Oh)
You there! Golden boy! Rub me
with oil.
The High Priest dismisses the young men, then stands and lets
his rich outer robe fall to the floor. His chest, back and
shoulders are incredibly hairy.
OH
I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
I'm not really a slave. I'm a
guard.
HIGH PRIEST
Then maybe you'd rather I speak to
your commander and have you whipped
to within an inch of your life. Or
perhaps I whip you myself? How
would you like that?
OH
Are those my choices?
Official White 89.
HIGH PRIEST
I'd say so.
The High Priest lies back down. Oh looks around, finds a
pitcher filled with precious oil and dribbles some on the
High Priest's hairy chest.
OH
How's that?
HIGH PRIEST
More.
OH
(splashes a few more drops
on him)
That enough?
HIGH PRIEST
(getting angry)
No! More oil! Much more, you
insolent dolt!
Oh pours oil liberally over his chest, back, and shoulders.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
That's good. Now rub it in.
OH
(APPALLED)
With my hands?
HIGH PRIEST
Do it!
Oh grimaces and starts gingerly massaging the oil into his
hairy chest and shoulders.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
(in ecstasy)
Mmmmm, I love it. The sweet scent
of precious oil. The oily--
oiliness.
Eema walks by with a pitcher of wine and sees Oh massaging
the High Priest. She gasps.
OH
(EMBARRASSED)
Eema! This isn't what you think.
Official White 90.
EEMA
(FLUSTERED)
No, it's fine. I understand. This
really explains a lot about you
that I didn't get before.
OH
No, really! I'm just-- rubbing oil
on this man.
She exits.
HIGH PRIEST
Mnum imam. I have an idea. Why don't
we go back to my place and see
what's under all that paint?
OH
(DISGUSTED)
Ughh.
CUT TO:
53 INT. PRINCESS'S CHAMBER - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER 53
Maya ushers Zed into the dimly lit room.
MAYA
Good luck.
ZED
MAYA--
She leaves him. A haze of heavily scented incense hangs in
the air.
INANNA (O.S.)
Come to me.
Zed turns and sees the Princess standing on the terrace.
54 EXT. GARDEN TERRACE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 54
Zed steps out onto the moonlit terrace. He crosses to the
balustrade and stands beside the Princess, gazing out over
the twinkling cityscape.
INANNA
Beautiful, isn't it? You can see
Gomorrah just over the hill.
Official White 91.
ZED
I didn't know it was so close.
INANNA
They're called the "twin cities."
ZED
Looks pretty from up here, but some
people think God is going to wipe
them out because they're so evil.
INANNA
(toying with him)
And what do you think? Am I evil?
ZED
I don't really know you. But you
don't look evil.
PRINCESS
Do you find me attractive?
ZED
Well, yeah. I think you're--
incredible.
INANNA
(moving closer)
I have body issues.
ZED
No, you're perfect. Your face,
your hair--
(looking into her eyes)
Your eyes are like the sea.
INANNA
(a beat)
My eyes are brown.
ZED
Well, it's kinda dark. I took a
shot. I know they're big, though--
and wet--
She pulls him close.
ZED (cont'd)
Can I ask you one thing? What
would a girl like you want with a
guy like me?
Official white 92.
INANNA
I don't know. I just find you--
interesting. They say it's the
will of the gods that some men
should suffer while others rule--
that we're all just victims of our
fate. And I believed that until
this morning when I saw you
standing up, alone, in the square.
And I said to myself, finally
here's one man who refuses to bow
down to anything--
ZED
UH--
(considers explaining but
just lets it go)
Yeah. That's me.
INANNA
Yes, finally a man who has the
courage to question the order of
things--- a man chosen by the Gods
to do something great.
ZED
(EXHILARATED)
That's exactly what I've been
thinking! You wouldn't believe the
things that have been happening to
me lately. I just didn't know why.
INANNA
(gets very, very close)
I know why. To bring you here-- to
this place-- to me.
ZED
(SMITTEN)
I couldn't agree more. I'm trying
to agree more, but I can't. That's
how much I agree.
INANNA
Come.
She takes his hand and leads him away.
A SHADOWY FIGURE watches them from behind a curtain.
CUT TO:
Official White 93.
55
55 EXT. THE TEMPLE - NIGHT
We can see torchlight flickering inside the temple and TWO
FIGURES moving among the pillars.
56 INT. THE TEMPLE - SAME TIME 56
The High Priest is giving Oh a personal tour of the inner
sanctum. Oh is scrubbed and dressed like a junior priest.
HIGH PRIEST
My life is devoted to the service
of the Gods and the good of the
people. I take nothing for myself.
He has a huge gold ring set with precious gems on every
finger, and a gold tiara on his head studded with rubies and
emeralds.
OH
That's so-- unselfish of you.
HIGH PRIEST
Yes, it is. It's just so-- lonely.
Sometimes i hunger for the touch of
another human being.
(COY)
Here's a riddle: what has two
thumbs and wants another oil rub?
(pointing thumbs at
HIMSELF)
This-guy.
Ohquickly changes the subject.
OH
So where does that hall lead to?
HIGH PRIEST
(his eyes light up)
Come, I'll show you.
He takes Oh's arm and leads him down the hail toward a set of
incredibly impressive doors covered with cuneiform writing
and arcane religious symbols.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
Behind those doors is the Holy of
Holies-- the earthly domain of the
(MORE)
94.
Official White
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
Gods-- a place so ineffably sacred,
so powerful, that to enter is
instant death for any mortal.
OH
Wow.
(a long beat)
So who cleans it?
HIGH PRIEST
it needs no cleaning.
OH
No, of course not.
(can't let go of it)
Kind of makes you wonder though--
the guys who built it, did they
just die the minute they finished,
or did the Gods give them a second
to get out?
HIGH PRIEST
(starting to get annoyed)
I assume they finished it, then the
Gods descended.
OH
Yeah, that's probably it.
(another long beat)
So you're saying we can't go in?
HIGH PRIEST
I just told you! To enter is
instant death! Only I can go in
and only once a year after very
elaborate purification rituals and
days of special prayers and
offerings.
OH
(QUICKLY)
Right, right, right.
(BEAT)
What if we just open the doors and
stick our heads in?
HIGH PRIEST
Fine! Enough! I'm sorry I brought
it up. Let's go.
(pushes Oh along)
Move. Move.
He shoos him down the hall.
Official White 95.
57
57 INT. TEMPLE - MOMENTS LATER
Zed and Princess Inanna stealthily enter the temple.
ZED
(looking around nervously)
What are we doing here?
INANNA
I want you to enter the Holy of
Holies.
ZED
Yes! Finally. Now you're talking!
Should I enter it right here or
should we go back to your bedroom?
Does the Holy of Holies like to be
entered from behind or--?
INANNA
(POINTS)
That's the Holy of Holies-- you
have to go in there and talk to the
Gods.
ZED
The Gods are in there?
INANNA
So they say, but the only one who
ever goes in is the High Priest.
They say it's instant death for
anyone else to enter.
ZED
Then why am I going in?
INANNA
(IMPATIENT)
Because you were chosen? If the
Gods wanted you dead they would
have killed you already.
ZED
RIGHT--
INANNA
This is what you've been chosen
for! To speak to the Gods and
plead with them not to destroy the
city. Then come back out and tell
me what it's like inside.
Official White 96.
ZED
(mulling it over)
Right-- right. Then again, if the
rules say--
INANNA
Do you always follow the rules?
ZED
What is it with chicks always
wanting guys to break the rules?
You-all have this bad boy complex----
She kisses him fiercely on the lips.
INANNA
Do this for me.
ZED
I'm going in.
He enters the Holy of Holies. A FIGURE darts between the
columns and hides in the shadows. A beam of moonlight
reveals the mark of Cain on his forehead.
CUT TO:
58 INT. HOLY OF HOLIES - CONTINUOUS 58
Zed steps into the chamber and immediately prostrates
himself, face down on the floor, arms outstretched in
supplication. He lies there with his eyes tightly shut,
expecting to be vaporized any second. A long moment passes
in total silence. Then he opens his eyes and looks around
tentatively.
The inner chamber of the Holy of Holies is a bare room with
marble walls lit only by shafts of moonlight from skylights
above.
ZED
(takes a deep breath and
starts improvising)
Thank you, O-- Merciful ones, for--
not like-- killing me, and letting
me receive the, uh, blessing of
your holy-- godliness.
He exhales and closes his eyes again, waiting for some divine
response. Nothing comes.
Official White 97.
ZED (cont'd)
(props himself up on his
ELBOWS)
Okay, I don't know the right words--
so I'm just going to say what I
have to say-- if that's all right.
(waits for a response,
gets none, proceeds)
I know I haven't always done the
right thing. Eating the fruit was
bad, I know that-- and the Cain
thing-- and I have done somethings
with women-- I do love the ladies--
well, you probably know all that
because you're watching everything--
(a thought occurs)
Do you really watch everything?
That's got to be a little
disgusting sometimes-- but probably
pretty hot, too--
(QUICKLY)
Not that you would get off on any
of it-- okay, I'm getting off the
subject. Anyways, the word is
you've been considering destroying
this place. So I'm asking you not
to-- as a personal favor.
(NOTHING)
Feel free to jump in anytime. I
could use a little guidance here.
Still no response. He rolls over onto his back.
ZED (cont'd)
Look, I know you think this place
is evil and it kinda is-- I see
that-- but that's not everybody.
There are a lot of good people,
too. So what if there were, like,
fifty really good people? Would
you still destroy the city?
(SILENCE)
Okay, you're right, that may be a
reach. How about twenty? I could
probably get you twenty extremely
good people if I really looked
around.
(SILENCE)
How about five? Five awesome
people-- including myself. I
personally know at least five
people worth saving. Does that
sound good?
(MORE)
Official White 98.
ZED (cont'd)
(NOTHING)
Hello? A little help? Am I
getting warm here? Okay, is it me?
Are you punishing me for stuff I
did?
(an insight)
Or setting me up for what I need to
do. Or both! Or neither?
(NOTHING)
Could you give me some kind of a
sign-- please-- anything?
Zed listens but hears only a profound silence. Then a
revelation. He sits up on the floor.
ZED (cont'd)
Okay, wait. Is that the sign? The
silence? Is that it?
(waits for confirmation)
It is, isn't it! Just this really
silent-- silence.
(PONDERING)
You're not going to tell me what to
do; it's up to me to decide what's
right and what's wrong-- right? Is
that it? You're not going to speak
to me-- you're going to speak
through me? If that's right, don't
say anything.
(listens for a beat)
Okay, I read you loud and clear.
Thank you.
(an afterthought)
Oh, and if things don't work out
with Maya would it be okay with you
if me and the Princess had a little
"carnal knowledge"? Not in an evil
way or anything--
(he listens; silence)
Okay! You're right, probably not a
good idea. Thank you.
He backs out of the Holy of Holies, bowing all the way.
CUT TO:
59
59 INT. THE TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS
The doors to the Holy of Holies opens and Zed comes backing
out, still bowing and muttering. Then he turns and his face
falls.
Official White 99.
The High Priest, the King, the Queen, and a dozen Temple
Acolytes are staring at him in amazement. Oh stands beside
the High Priest dressed just like him.
ZED
I was just looking for the
bathroom.
INANNA
(INNOCENTLY)
I told him not to go in.
HIGH PRIEST
(SHRIEKS)
Seize them!
OH
(scared, points at Zed)
Seize him!
The guards arrest Oh as Cain steps up and takes hold of Zed.
CAIN
(SMIRKING)
Should've invited me to the party.
CUT TO:
60
60 INT. DUNGEON - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
In the dim torchlight, we see Zed hanging spread-eagle five
feet off the ground, his arms and legs stretched out wide and
tightly bound to iron rings imbedded in the stone.
Oh is shackled to the wall beside him, hanging upside down.
They hear the faint scream of a man being tortured somewhere
deep in the prison.
ZED
I wish I was upside down. Looks
fun.
Oh won't talk to him.
ZED (cont'd)
So this is it? We're not friends
anymore? After all I've done for
you?
Official White 100.
OH
What have you done for me? I've
been attacked by a cougar, I've
fallen down a mountain, I almost
had the tip of my thingy cut off,
I've been greasing up the High
Priest all night, and now I'm
hanging upside down in a dungeon.
And I have to pee real bad. All
because of you. You call yourself
a friend? Name one good thing
you've done for me.
ZED
I've helped you come out of your
shell.
OH
(in distress)
I really have to pee--
ZED
Listen, I know I'm not perfect, and
I may have made a few wrong turns,
but you have to understand-- I'm a
chosen. That's a lot of
responsibility -- you can't even
imagine.
OH
(ANGRY)
The only one who thinks you're
chosen is you, so shut up already!
ZED
(STUNG)
Okay, be mad, but I'm going to get
us out of here, if it's the last
thing I do.
Zed starts frantically yanking on his shackles to no avail.
ZED (cont'd)
That was just my first idea-- and
I'm also accepting ideas.
OH
(SHOUTS)
Guard! I have to pee! Now!
Seriously!
(can't hold it anymore)
Oh, no--
Official White 101.
Because he's upside down, the streams runs down his stomach,
over his chest, down his neck, onto his chin and over his
face.
OH (cont'd)
I hate you.
CUT TO:
61
61 EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE - EARLY MORNING
A curious, jeering MOB is gathering as Zed and Oh, in
shackles, are led by a SQUAD OF GUARDS to a raised platform
in the middle of the square.
The heavy pounding of martial drums silences the crowd. Cain
presides over the execution. He addresses the crowd.
CAIN
For the crimes of blasphemy--
(the crowd grumbles its
DISAPPROVAL)
HERESY--
(grumble, grumble)
CONSPIRACY--
(serious grumbling)
SODOMY--
(admiring oohs and aahs)
And the murder of my brother Abel--
ZED
Oh, come on!
CAIN
Shut up! For these and other
crimes they may not actually have
done yet but we're pretty sure they
were thinking about, the prisoners
will be stoned to death.
The crowd roars as GUARDS stationed around the square pull
canvas covers off big baskets of rocks and the people rush to
grab stones to throw.
Zed and Oh instinctively move closer to each other.
PALACE BALCONY
The King, Queen, High Priest and Royal Ministers observe the
stoning from their vantage point above the square. Princess
Inanna refuses to look.
Official White 102.
KING
Observe, my dear. It seems the
least you could do, since it was
you who lured him to his death.
She reluctantly turns and looks at Zed.
INANNA
I didn't intend for this to happen.
THE SQUARE
The people move in and surround the platform on all sides,
baseball-size rocks in their hands.
CAIN
(to Zed and Oh)
Anything to say before the sentence
is carried out?
ZED
(to the crowd)
I just want to say this is really
messed up--
CAIN
OKAY--
(SHOUTS)
STONE THEM!
The people fling their rocks with all their might.
Zed and Oh duck.
The rocks fly over their heads and hit people in the crowd on
the opposite sides, several bystanders taking painful hits in
the head, some falling down unconscious.
Cain notes the impracticality of having people throw rocks
from all directions.
CAIN (cont'd)
Okay! Stop! Halt! Hold it! This
isn't working.
ZED
Can I make a suggestion?
CAIN
(IRKED)
What?
Official White 103.
ZED
Why don't you just pick one person
to throw?
The crowd thinks that's not a bad idea and murmurs agreement.
ZED (cont'd)
(pressing the advantage)
In fact, don't you think it would
be fair for us to get to pick the
person who stones us?
Cain looks doubtful, but the crowd thinks this is eminently
fair.
CROWD
(some eagerly raising
their hands and waving
like school children)
Yes! Ooh, me! Pick me! Me!
ON THE BALCONY
The King grabs Sargon.
KING
(re Cain)
What is that idiot doing?
IN THE SQUARE
Zed spots a good candidate in the crowd.
ZED
We pick him!
Cain points at a BIG GUY, heavily muscled, eagerly waving his
hand.
CAIN
Him?
ZED
No, next to him!
He points at a BOY, about nine years old and not very big.
CAIN
He's just a kid!
Official White 104.
ZED
So? You got something against
kids?
Zed plays the crowd which starts booing in disapproval.
ZED (cont'd)
This guy hates kids!
CROWD
Yeah! What's he got against kids?
Children are the future! Give the
kid a shot! The kid! The kid!
On the balcony, the King shifts uncomfortably, intimidated by
the power of the mob. He nods to Sargon who signals to Cain.
CAIN
All right! All right! We'll try
it. Kid! Grab a rock.
The boy picks up a good-size rock.
Zed turns to Oh.
ZED
Good thinking, huh?
They turn to face the boy, ready to dodge when he throws.
The boy winds up and fires a major league fastball that
smacks Oh right on the forehead. The crowd cheers.
ZED (cont'd)
Holy shit! That kid's got an arm!
OH
(DAZED)
I think he hit me.
The boy fires again.
Oh spins and tries to duck but takes the rock right on the
head.
OH (cont'd)
Hey! There's two of us!
The crowd cheers and pats the kid on the back.
CAIN
Okay, everybody on this side now!
On the count of three! One-- two--
Official white 105.
ZED
Wait! I have a question for the
King!
The crowd goes silent. All eyes turn and look up to the
palace balcony.
ZED (cont'd)
(shouts to the King)
Why didn't I die in the Holy of
Holies?
On the balcony, everyone is totally stopped by his question.
One by one they all look to the High Priest who seems to be
stumped.
In the square, the crowd starts muttering. Zed seizes the
initiative.
ZED (cont'd)
I entered the Holy of Holies and,
lo, I did not die! Why? Because I
am chosen by the Gods!
PEOPLE IN THE CROWD
He is chosen! He is the Chosen
One. The Chosen One!
Zed gives Oh a look: "See? I told you."
THE CROWD
(starts chanting)
Spare the Chosen One! Spare the
Chosen One! Spare the Chosen One!
OH
And his friend! Don't forget his
friend!
On the balcony, the King and his ministers hastily confer
with the High Priest.
KING
Could it be? Is he truly chosen?
HIGH PRIEST
I don't-- I suppose it's possible-
I'd have to examine some new
INTESTINES--
KING
Imbecile!
Official White 106.
PRIME MINISTER
Majesty, with respect, whether he's
chosen or not is no longer the
issue. To kill him now, given the
public mood, could inflame the
situation enough to prompt a
radical "regime change," if you
take my meaning.
The King looks grimly at his ministers, all of whom have lean
and hungry looks.
Princess Inanna smiles contemptuously at him.
CUT TO:
62 SARGON
62
addressing the crowd in the square.
SARGON
By order of the King, the sentence
has been commuted.
The crowd cheers. Zed and Oh exchange hopeful looks.
CAIN
(PLAINTIVE)
Can't we just stone them a little?
SARGON
It is the judgement of our most
merciful King that the prisoners
are to be enslaved to toil at hard
labor until they die of exhaustion
or starvation.
ZED
(exuberant fist pump)
Yes!
CUT TO:
63 EXT. THE ZIGGURAT - DAY 63
Oh is up to his knees in a mud pit, trampling straw into the
thick mud. A Guard cracks a bullwhip which flicks painfully
across his shoulders.
Official white 107.
OH
Okay, you think that actually makes
anybody work harder? It just makes
them resent you. Is that what you
want?
GUARD
(whips him again)
Faster!
OH
Can I just ask when lunch is?
The whip lashes out again.
Oh glowers at him and steps up the pace.
64 THE BRICK YARD 64
Marlak and Enmebaragesi are stacking bricks when zed
approaches.
ZED
(greets them)
Hey! Boys! Long time no see.
They glance up, but ignore him.
ZED (cont'd)
Don't tell me you're still mad
about Maya. That's so over. I
have a thing going with the
princess now-- well, almost had a
thing. I'm a slave now-- just like
you.
MARLAK
No. You're not just like me.
ZED
Okay. We do have our differences--
like about a cup and half of brain
tissue-- but that doesn't mean we
can't work together.
Another GUARD approaches and whacks Marlak with his stick.
GUARD #2
Take those bricks to the top. The
masons are waiting.
Official white 108.
Marlak and Enmebaragesi glower at the guard as they pick up
ropes and harness themselves to a cart loaded with bricks.
GUARD #2 (cont'd)
(to Zed)
You! Help them!
He grabs another rope harness off the cart and throws it to
Zed.
ZED
You know, I'd like to, but I did
something to my neck--
(massages his neck)
I must've slept on it funny-- those
dungeon pillows are like rocks--
well, they are rocks-- so I should
probably take it easy or I'll be no
damn good for work tomorrow.
GUARD #2
(strikes him across the
back with his stick)
I said move!
ZED
Okay! But I should tell you, this
isn't really my area. I'm just on
a break from the mud department--
The Guard draws his short sword and raises it over Zed.
GUARD #2
One more word and you die--
ZED
(putting on the harness)
Okay, okay. I'm going.
(to Marlak and
ENMEBARAGESI)
Okay, boys, on the count of three.
One-- two-- three!
Marlak and Enmebaragesi lunge against the ropes, but Zed
makes no effort to pull. They glare at him.
ZED (cont'd)
Learned that from Maya. Good
trick, huh? Okay, together this
time. Go!
Official White 109.
They pull together and the heavy cart starts to move.
CUT TO:
65 EXT. TOP OF THE ZIGGURAT - LATER 65
Zed, Marlak and Enmebaragesi haul the heavy cart of bricks to
the very top of the tower.
TWO BRICKLAYERS are working on the wall. Zed leans against
the wall next to them tb rest.
ZED
How high you guys think we're going
with this?
BRICKLAYER ONE
Up to Heaven, I guess. That's how
tall they usually build 'em.
ZED
(looking up)
That's ambitious.
BRICKLAYER TWO
We worked on the Tower of Babel.
Now that was a ziggurat.
BRICKLAYER ONE
Incredible erection.
Zed looks down at his crotch.
ZED
(MODESTLY)
That's nothing. You should see it
when I'm excited.
BRICKLAYER ONE
The tower.
ZED
Oh, right, the tower. Incredible
erection.
(snickers to himself)
BRICKLAYER ONE
See, the Egyptians are working on
an entirely different concept.
Four sides, slanting walls, pointy
top.
Official White 110.
BRICKLAYER TWO
Like a pyramid?
BRICKLAYER ONE
Exactly.
BRICKLAYER TWO
Wow. Far out. Yet timeless in a
way.
A SLAVE CHILD approaches with a water bucket.
SLAVE CHILD
(to Zed)
Want some water?
As the child offers him the ladle, Zed recognizes her.
ZED
You're from the village, aren't
you?
The child nods.
ZED (cont'd)
I bet you wish you were back there
right now, don't you.
The child nods again.
ZED (cont'd)
Well, don't give up. You're going
to get home someday.
Marlak kicks Zed from behind, knocking him over.
MARLAK
(standing over him)
Who's going to take her there? The
Chosen One?
Marlak kicks gravel and dirt in Zed's face. Zed just lies
there and takes it, feeling like he's failed everyone.
Then he hears the beating of drums and trumpet fanfares
coming from the temple square below.
CUT TO:
66 EXT. THE MUD PITS - SAME TIME 66
Oh and the other slaves are mustered by the guards.
Official White 111.
GUARD
Get in line! Now! Move!
OH
Where're we going?
GUARD
To watch the sacrifice. The King
demands it.
OH
Is that compulsory? Because I saw
one when I first got here and it
made me a little sick--
The guard's whip catches him across the back.
OH (cont'd)
Ow! Why don't you try using your
words for a change?
CUT TO:
67 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - CONTINUOUS 67
The square is filling up with people. The ROYAL PROCESSION
is moving to the seats of honor to watch the sacrifice.
Cain is now among the Royal Guard having been promoted for
his treachery. He bows and helps the Queen to her seat.
CAIN
(leering seductively)
At your service, my lady. Anytime,
anywhere.
QUEEN
(FLIRTATIOUS)
There's a depraved thought. You're
so delightfully low. Absolute
filth.
CAIN
(SUAVELY)
Thank you, your majesty.
He touches his tongue to the tip of his nose and waggles his
eyebrows.
The King arrives with Sargon to loud booing from the crowd.
Official White 112.
KING
Are they booing me? How dare they!
CAIN
Your Highness, with all due
respect, those were "Woos." They
love you. They were "wooing" you.
The King looks doubtfully at the hostile crowd.
SARGON
All is in readiness, Majesty.
INANNA
(glares at the King)
What now? More virgins to
sacrifice?
KING
Yes, two, followers of the Chosen
One, discovered by this loyal
soldier.
Cain bows to the King.
CAIN
Just doing my duty.
KING
And one more to demonstrate our own
faith and charity.
The King stands and makes a proclamation loud enough for
everyone to hear.
KING (cont'd)
In supplication to the Gods, for
the love of the People, we offer a
humble sacrifice to the sacred
temple fire-- our own step-
daughter, the Princess Inanna!
The crowd gasps.
KING (cont'd)
(to Inanna)
For the good of the people.
QUEEN
(stands in protest)
You wouldn't dare!
Official white 113.
KING
Wouldn't I? If you like, I could
arrange for you to join her.
The Queen slowly sits back down.
KING (cont'd)
(to Inanna)
How long did you think I'd tolerate
your insolence?
(to Sargon)
Burn her.-
Sargon and Cain seize Inanna, but she shrugs them off and
rises with dignity.
INANNA
I'll see you all in Hell.
CUT TO:
68 THE GREAT STONE IDOL 68
The flames are starting to build inside the idol's mouth.
69 EXT. TEMPLE SQUARE - SAME TIME 69
Oh and the slaves are confined behind a barrier, watched by a
squad of guards, waiting for the ceremony to start.
THE TEMPLE DOORS open slowly, and the High Priest appears
holding a long jewelled staff.
Oh turns to the EDOMITE SLAVE next to him.
OH
(casually name-dropping)
See the High Priest? I know him.
Dear friend of mine.
THE TEMPLE
Now the procession of SACRIFICIAL VIRGINS is led out by the
HIGH PRIESTESS. Maya and Eema are among them, their hands
tied. They look like they've been drugged.
Oh spots Eema and Maya among the virgins.
Official White 114.
OH
(PANICKED)
That's Eema! And Maya! I know
them!
EDOMITE SLAVE
(SARCASTIC)
I guess you know everybody, don't
you.
Oh shoulders his way right up to the barrier where a BIG
GUARD stops him with a spear to his neck.
BIG GUARD
That's far enough, slave.
Oh stops right there, frustrated and frightened.
THE TEMPLE
Inanna is led out last, now also having been drugged.
70 TOP OF THE ZIGGURAT 70
Zed, Marlak and the sharp-eyed Enmebaragesi look down, trying
to see what's going on.
ENMEBARAGESI
They're bringing out the women.
ZED
(AMAZED)
How are you seeing that far?
ENMEBARAGESI
I see your sister, Eema--
TOP OF THE ZIGGURAT
ZED
(SQUINTING)
It's Maya!
CUT TO:
71 THE TEMPLE 71
The drums and trumpets kick up the tempo and the High Priest
starts leading the virgins to the idol's fiery mouth.
Oh pushes against the barrier, restrained by the guard.
Official White 115.
OH
We have to do something! Somebody
has to stop it.
(turning to the other
SLAVES)
We can't let them do this!
The slaves start to mutter. The guards draw their swords and
heft their spears, now on high alert.
CUT TO:
72 TOP OF THE ZIGGURAT 72
Zed looks around desperately, trying to figure out what to
do.
ZED
(to Marlak)
I have to get down there.
GUARD #2
(SNORTS)
Over my dead body.
MARLAK
All right.
Without a moment's hesitation, Marlak grabs him and tosses
him off the top of the ziggurat. He screams all the way
down.
ZED
Wow. Who saw that coming?
Thanks, Marlak.
MARLAK
Now what?
Zed looks around quickly, grabs the end of a long coiled rope
attached to a big pulley, and hands Marlak the other end.
ZED
(looping the rope around
his waist)
Lower me down.
Without waiting for a response, Zed bravely jumps off the top
of the ziggurat holding the rope.
Official White 116.
Marlak looks at the rope in his hands, pulls it a little and
sees that it's not attached to the rope Zed was holding.
CUT TO:
ZED
He's descending rapidly, rappelling off the side of the
ziggurat. He looks up, expecting Marlak to belay him and
slow him down.
ZED
(CALLING)
Any time now, Marlak!
Marlak and Enmebaragesi watch his descent, dumbly interested
in what happens next.
Zed sees he's not slowing down and tries to swing himself
onto one of the upper levels of the ziggurat. However, when
he swings in, he hits a cart loaded with bricks and bounces
off painfully.
THE BRICK CART
The sudden jolt dislodges the wheel chock that was holding
the cart on the sloping ramp of the tower. The cart starts
to roll down the ramp, gathering speed as it careens toward
the edge.
CUT TO:
73 THE HIGH PRIEST 73
He raises his staff and invokes the Gods.
HIGH PRIEST
We implore the great Gods of heaven
to show us a sign that we may honor
your divine will and be worthy of
your blessing.
CUT TO:
Official White 117.
74 THE ZIGGURAT 74
The brick cart explodes through the scaffolding on the side
of the ziggurat and sails into the air.
CUT TO:
THE ROYAL ENCLOSURE
Everybody turns at the sound of the crash and looks up at the
ziggurat.
CUT TO:
THE BRICK PITS
The NASTY GUARD who whipped Oh earlier glances up and is
instantly crushed by a ton of falling bricks.
THE ZIGGURAT
Zed is still descending as the broken scaffolding starts to
give way.
TEMPLE SQUARE
The whole crowd watches in amazement as the 250 foot
scaffolding slowly collapses and crashes to the ground,
bringing tons of debris with it, sending up a great cloud of
dust.
THE HIGH PRIEST
He looks shocked.
OH
He seizes the opportunity.
OH
A sign! It's a sign! The Chosen
One comes!
The other slaves and people in the crowd pick up his
excitement.
Official White 118.
CROWD
The Chosen One! A sign from the
Gods!
THE HIGH PRIEST
He doesn't quite know how to respond to the growing fervor of
the crowd.
HIGH PRIEST
Yes! Well and truly, the Gods are
with us--
The crowd drowns him out.
75 THE BASE OF THE ZIGGURAT 75
A guard is standing there staring at the rubble of the
scaffolding as Zed comes screaming down the side of the
ziggurat and lands right on top of him. Zed quickly strips
the unconscious guard of his weapons, starts to run off,
stops, comes back and grabs the guard's helmet, then takes
off running to the temple square.
CUT TO:
76 THE ALTAR 76
The High Priest is getting frantic now.
HIGH PRIEST
Burn them! Now!
He grabs Maya and starts dragging her toward the gaping mouth
of the idol and the raging fire within. She struggles but is
too drugged to put up much resistance. He grabs the
sacramental pitcher of oil and starts sloppily anointing her.
HIGH PRIEST (cont'd)
(RUSHING)
May the balm of this healing oil
soothe your journey through the
sacred fire!
(DESPERATELY)
Don't fight it! It's the will of
the Gods!
Then, a voice from above.
Official White 119.
ZED
(SHOUTS)
I don't think so!
Zed is standing atop the idol's head, brandishing a sword and
shield.
MAYA
She sees him and starts to revive.
MAYA
Zed!
THE HIGH PRIEST
looks up, unable to hear Zed over the crowd noise.
HIGH PRIEST
(cupping his ear)
What did you say?
ZED
(SHOUTS)
I said, 'I don't think so!'
HIGH PRIEST
(shakes his head)
Still not getting it.
Zed rolls his eyes in frustration and starts tentatively
climbing down from the top of the idol. He jumps the last
few feet and lands right in front of the fire, blocking the
High Priest's way.
ZED
I Said, 'I don't think so.'
HIGH PRIEST
(CONFUSED)
You don't think what?
ZED
Whatever that last thing you said
was.
HIGH PRIEST
(THINKS)
I forgot.
(SHOUTS)
Guards!
Official White 120.
Guards rush toward Zed from all sides, but he fights like a
demon, slashing, spinning, stabbing, fending off their blows
with his shield.
Oh is inspired by Zed's courage.
OH
(to the Edomite slave)
I know him, too.
Oh springs into action, attacking the big guard in front of
him. The other slaves see that and start fighting with their
guards, a genuine slave revolt.
THE CROWD
Guards start moving to help their comrades, but the spirit of
insurrection takes hold of the crowd and people start
grappling with the guards.
A PLATOON OF REINFORCEMENTS comes double-timing into the
square.
Suddenly, A STOOPED OLD MAN throws off his cloak and pulls a
sword. It's Abraham!
ABRAHAM
Death to the idolators!
Abraham's small army of HEBREWS reveal themselves, draw their
weapons and attack the reinforcements.
The last Hebrew to unrobe is Isaac, who just stands there
observing the growing chaos.
ISAAC
(shaking his head)
Just fucking nuts.
77 MARLAK AND ENMEBARAGESI 77
They come running into the battle swinging clubs, randomly
bashing heads of soldiers and innocent civilians alike.
Cain sees Marlak and stands his ground.
CAIN
Tough guy, huh? You want a piece
of me? Get ready to have your head
bashed in!
Official White 121.
As Cain raises his truncheon, Marlak HEAD-BUTTS him.
CAIN (cont'd)
(nose bleeding, stunned)
Nice move!
He passes out and goes down.
78 THE KING 78
He starts to panic at the full-scale revolt and rises
nervously. His ministers surround him, he thinks to protect
him.
KING
I knew I could depend on your
loyalty.
The ministers all draw daggers from their robes and move in
for the kill.
KING (cont'd)
(MUTTERS)
Assholes.
He falls to their flashing knives.
79 THE TEMPLE 79
Oh fights his way to the temple stairs, runs up and confronts
a PRIEST who is trying to drag Eema away. He fights with
very little skill but tremendous energy, finally overwhelming
the guard and grabbing Eema.
OH
(suddenly shy again)
Hello, Eema.
EEMA
(still a little dazed)
Oh?
He stares at her full red lips and big blue eyes.
OH
(suddenly forceful)
Eema, you're my woman! You hear
me?
EEMA
Okay.
Official White 122.
OH
Really? It's okay?
He pulls her into an embrace and kisses her hard on the
mouth. Then, out of the corner of his eye, Oh sees a guard
rushing at him. Oh whirls and falls off the platform,
accidentally cutting the guards legs out from under him.
80 THE HIGH PRIEST 80
While Zed is busy with the guards, the High Priest pulls Maya
toward the fire.
Zed sees him, finishes the last of the guards, and starts
slowly moving toward the High Priest who starts backing away
until he sees Oh moving toward him from the other side. He
holds the helpless Maya close to the flames.
HIGH PRIEST
(screaming and crying)
Keep away!
ZED
Let her go.
HIGH PRIEST
(his mascara running)
No! The Gods demand a sacrifice!
And you ruined it!
He wrestles Maya even closer to the fire.
ZED
(trying to keep him calm)
Why don't we just sacrifice
something small-- a rabbit maybe.
Or a duck. That'd be good, don't
you think?
HIGH PRIEST
(SCREAMS)
No! A duck would not be good!
OH (U.S.)
Then how about this?
The High Priest turns to Oh.
Oh is holding the big sacramental pitcher.
OH (cont'd)
More oil?
Official White 123.
He splashes the High Priest with a gallon of oil, soaking him
from head to toe. As the oil hits the High Priest, Zed
dashes across and snatches Maya from his grasp.
The High Priest spins around in a rage, his long robes wrap
around his legs hobbling him, he totters on his high platform
shoes, loses his balance and gets too close to the idol's
fiery mouth. Totally drenched in oil, he bursts into flame
like a human torch, screams, and staggers right into the
mouth of the furnace.
HIGH PRIEST
(SCREAMS)
Hot!
TEMPLE SQUARE
Everyone goes silent, stunned by the incredible turn of
events. All eyes turn to Zed and Oh, now standing before
them on the center stage of the temple.
ZED AND OH
They look at each other. Someone has to say something.
Finally, Zed clears his throat.
ZED
I'm the, uh, Chosen One, I guess,
and on behalf of, well, the whole
city, I want to thank the High
Priest for his incredible
sacrifice. That was really
something, wasn't it?
He starts clapping, then Oh starts clapping, and soon all the
people in the square are applauding.
At that moment a single drop of rain falls and hits Zed in
the eye. He looks up, a few more drops, then a hard steady
rain starts to fall.
The people all look up in awe, then someone cheers and they
all roar in celebration. Then the rain stops as suddenly as
it started. The cheers die away, and confused, dissatisfied
muttering begins.
ZED (cont'd)
(jumping in quickly)
People! Friends! Sodomites!
Okay, that was a little confusing,
wasn't it?
(MORE)
Official White 124.
ZED (cont'd)
Was that a sign from God? Wasn't
it a sign? What's the deal? We
all want to know. But I'm not sure
anybody really knows-- and I'd be
real suspicious of people who say
they do. If I've learned one
thing, it's this: the world and
everything in it is a miracle. And
what that miracle means is for each
and every one of us to figure out
for himself. Are the Gods going to
destroy us? Maybe-- I don't know--
I guess it's possible. But if we
keep going the way we are, they
won't have to. We're doing a
pretty good job of destroying
ourselves. So maybe we should all
just go home now, and think about
what happened-- and be very, very
good to each other. I know I'm
going to try.
(raises his hand in salute
to the people)
Peace.
The crowd stares at him blankly. Nobody knows what to make
of it all. Then Marlak shouts loud enough for all to hear.
MARLAK
All hail the Chosen One!
With that the crowd explodes into rousing cheers.
In the midst of the crowd, Abraham looks around and scowls.
ABRAHAM
What am I? Chopped liver?
At the altar, Maya, revived now, embraces Zed.
MAYA
You're incredible, you know that?
ZED
That's what I've been trying to
tell you.
Zed and Maya, Oh and Eema stand there basking in the
gratitude of the people as Inanna looks on.
DISSOLVE TO:
Official white 125.
81 EXT. GATES OF THE CITY - A FEW DAYS LATER 81
A caravan is assembling, making ready to leave the city.
Marlak, Enmebaragesi, Maya, Eema and the other villagers are
there, as well as a great number of freed slaves and Hebrews.
Isaac is checking out Maya's breasts.
ISAAC
Hey, babe. Ever made it with a
circumcised guy?
Marlak grunts at him and reaches for his knife.
ISAAC (cont'd)
(BACKPEDALING)
Is she with you? I did not realize
that. Sorry.
Marlak and Maya cross to Zed who is loading a packhorse.
Marlak looks at him for a long moment then punches him hard
on the shoulder.
MARLAK
(GRUDGING)
You did good.
Zed waits for more, but nothing comes.
ZED
(rubbing his shoulder)
Well said, Marlak. You really have
a way with words.
They clasp hands.
MARLAK
We'll tell stories about you around
the fire.
ZED
Not much to tell, is there? Just
an average guy who saw his destiny
and had the courage to defy a
powerful empire. No big deal.
Oh is at the front of the caravan, giving orders, but no one
is listening to him. Zed joins him.
ZED (cont'd)
Everybody ready?
Official White 126.
OH
(WORRIED)
Yeah, just about-- I guess so. The
Hebrews are going to lead us to the
sea and we can get boats from
there. We can trade all this stuff
everybody gave us for the trip
home.
(NERVOUS)
I don't think I should be the
leader. Nobody's listening to me.
EEMA
(by his side)
I'll listen to you.
Oh swells up with pride.
OH
(turns to Zed)
Come back to the village sometime.
Zed nods, they shake hands, then they embrace. Stifling a
tear, Oh breaks away and whips the lead camel.
OH (cont'd)
(shouting at camel)
Hee-ya!
(beat, quietly to camel)
Come on. People are watching.
The camel looks at him and slowly lumbers off.
Oh sighs gratefully and signals the caravan to follow.
As the great caravan moves off, Zed is left standing there
with nothing but a long staff, and a bundle on the ground
beside him to which is tied his sword, shield and helmet.
Maya joins him.
MAYA
Where will you go now?
ZED
Might head down to Egypt. I hear
it's a happening kinda place.
MAYA
Are you going alone?
ZED
Not necessarily. You want to come?
Official White 127.
MAYA
I'll get my things.
She gestures off and he sees a small train of camels and
horses loaded with a ton of her personal possessions.
MAYA (cont'd)
The Princess gave me a few gifts
when she freed us.
ZED
Traveling light, huh? Okay, here
we go.
(POINTS)
To the west!
MAYA
(correcting him)
That's west.
ZED
I knew that. Just wanted to see if
you did.
Zed grins and they start walking, passing a small herd of
sheep and goats, tended by VEILED WOMEN, going in the
opposite direction.
As THE LAST OF THE SHEPHERD WOMEN passes, we notice something
masculine about her build and posture. Zed nods politely to
her, but she averts her eyes and turns away from him.
CAIN
(in a high unconvincing
woman's voice)
Peace--- brother.
zed does a double take at the voice, shrugs, and walks off
with Maya-- as a torrential rain begins to fall.
THE END
