Rev. 06/15/98 (Pink)
Rev. 07/01/98 (Yellow)
Rev. 08/28/98 (Green)
Rev. 09/03/98 (Goldenrod)
Rev. 10/07/98 (Buff)
Rev. 04/09/99 (Salmon)
WILD WILD WEST
Story by
Jim Thomas & John Thomas
Screenplay by
S.S. Wilson & Brent Maddock
and Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman
Based on the Television Series
"Wild Wild West"
REVISED FINAL DRAFT
May 14, 1998
WARNER BROS. � 1998
4000 Warner Boulevard WARNER BROS.
Burbank, California 91522 All Rights Reserved
Rev. 4/9/99
THE WILD WILD WEST
FADE IN:
A1 EXT. ALFALFA FIELD - NIGHT A1
A slight breeze gently sways the green and purple crop.
The CHIRP of CICADA is the only sound.
SUPERIMPOSE: 1868 - ST. TAMMANY PARISH, LOUISIANA
But suddenly the CHIRPING GETS LOUDER and LOUDER --
BZZZZZ! -- until we realize it's not the cicadas, but
a --
SWOOOSH! A lethal, razor-sharp DISC BUZZES up over the
horizon, swoops TOWARD the CAMERA and OUT OF FRAME!
The CAMERA SPINS AROUND to see the disc flying away,
chasing a man, THADDEUS MORTON, wearing a strange
metallic collar -- exhausted, horrified, about to die.
NEW ANGLE - MORTON
He looks over his shoulder, panting -- he's been running
forever.
MORTON
(mumbling)
Madman... Hideous spider... Run...
Run! Warn the President...
Morton zig-zags through a grove of trees, a desperate
attempt to avoid the horrible serrated disc. But the
ruse is futile. The disc goes straight through the
trees, slicing a path straight as the crow flies.
NEW ANGLE - OLD WAGON
dilapidated, broken down, weathering away in the field.
Morton runs around the wagon -- but the DISC BUZZES
straight through the sideboards! Wood shavings spit
everywhere! There's no stopping this thing.
NEW ANGLE - MORTON
running for his life -- stops, turns. He turns,
incomprehensibly mumbling, pleading for his life,
cowering.
MORTON
Noooooooo!!!!!
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 2.
A1 CONTINUED: A1
And the DISC SWOOSHES TOWARD the CAMERA -- BZZZZZZZ!
CUT TO:
BLACK
DISSOLVE TO:
NIGHT SKY FULL OF STARS - LOW ANGLE
A man leans INTO FRAME. This is GENERAL McGRATH. And
he's there to collect the silver death disc.
McGRATH
(to the unseen,
dead Morton)
And they says you scientists are
supposed to be smart.
1 EXT. DUSTY ROAD - LOW ANGLE - NIGHT 1
HOOVES THUNDER by. Then bouncing, skidding wagon wheels.
Up on the empty buckboard is a pair of murderous ex-Rebs.
As the Rebs pass a pint of whisky, lash the six-horse
team on, PAN WITH the wagon to see it's headed for...
2 EXT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 2
SALOON GIRL (O.S.)
The legendary Captain James West
and I finally got him all to
myself.
3 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 3
WEST is bathing with the beatiful SALOON GIRL.
WEST
That's right, sugar, and you
should feel free to treat him
just bad.
She moves in and kisses him, long and hard. West hears
the CLATTER of the APPROACHING WAGONS. He stops the
kiss and peeks out the knothole.
4 EXT. WAREHOUSE - WEST'S POV THROUGH KNOTHOLE - NIGHT
Down below, West sees the wagon with the Rebs.
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 3.
5 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 5
WEST
(to himself)
General McGrath's boys. I thought
y'all was never gonna show up.
SALOON GIRL
Mister West, you wouldn't be here
workin' tonight, now would you?
WEST
No, no. 'Course not. Not tonight.
Would you be working if you were up
here with you?
SALOON GIRL
Good.
They start kissing again. He surreptitiously peeks out
the knothole, while continuing his kiss.
6 INT. FAT-CAN CANDY'S - NIGHT 6
This two-story, Victorian building across town is a
"gentlemen's sporting house" in name only. Drunken
roughnecks and ex-Confederate soldiers goose and maul
the rouged-up tarts.
AT BAR - WOMAN
shrinks back from the moronic ribaldry. The Toulouse
Lautrec lighting only accentuates her garish hair and
makeup, identifying her as a SOILED DOVE. A whore -- not
to put too fine a point on it. She's trying not to make
eye contact with two men seated at a table across the
parlor.
SOILED DOVE'S POV - GEN. McGRATH AND HUDSON
HUDSON is a fearsome-looking Indian in a well-tailored
suit. Long black braids descend incongruously from under
a homburg hat. As for his companion...
McGRATH is a mountain of drunken pus. Six foot, sweating
like a Devonshire hog with his tattered, undersized
Confederate dress jacket buttoned all the way to the top.
His ear has been hacked off and replaced by what looks to
be a miniature leather Victrola horn. McGrath smiles at
our Soiled Dove and makes a little kissing gesture.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 4.
6 CONTINUED: 6
ANGLE ON SOILED DOVE
Eyes widened in revulsion. What evil abides in this
Godforsaken place? Now a drunkenly EYE-CROSSED REB
licks Dora's ear, then whispers something in it.
Something unspeakably vile, by Dora's expression.
DORA
I'm sorry. That won't be
possible. I have... tonsillitis.
7 EXT. WAREHOUSE - WEST'S POV THROUGH KNOTHOLE - NIGHT 7
The Rebs load the boxes onto the wagon. We see the wheel
of the wagon up against the rotted leg of the water
tower.
BIG REB
Pack'er up good, Virgil. Next stop
N'Orleans.
8 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 8
West is unaware that she's watching him, not watching
her.
SALOON GIRL
(admonishing)
Jim!
WEST
Ah, this hole is a safety issue.
I'm thinking, what if it starts to
rain and the water level goes up.
It could suck you right up. I'm
protecting you. (variations)
Saloon Girl frustrated, has grabbed West's boxer shorts
(with little horses on them) and plugs the hole with
them.
SALOON GIRL
Problem solved.
WEST
Belle, you don't just ram a man's
underbritches into a knothole.
You wanna plug the hole, you ram
your own britches in there.
West is at a loss. She moves in for another kiss.
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 4A.
9 EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 9
The HORSES SPOOK as a crate is dropped onto the wagon.
CLOSE - AXLE
caught on the WATER TOWER LEG. It CREAKS.
10 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 10
West hears the CREAK. He breaks the kiss.
SALOON GIRL
Oh, Jim.
WEST
(serious)
Much as I'd like to take credit
for that you might need to hand
me my gun...
The tower starts to topple.
WEST
... Hand me my gun.
It CRASHES...
CUT TO:
11 EXT. WAREHOUSE SKYLIGHT - NIGHT 11
West crashes down into the tarp covering the boxes. The
only people more shocked than he is are the guards and
the Rebs he just dropped in on. West picks himself up,
smiles coolly at the drenched slack-jaws.
WEST
Okay, who just made a wish?
Was it you?
He looks up at the freaked-out Saloon Girl, still in the
tank. She hangs on with one hand, the other hand
clutches his clothes.
WEST
I could sure use those clothes
now.
She responds by Frisbee-ing his hat down. West picks it
up, with a look... uses it to cover his genitals.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 4B.
11 CONTINUED: 11
BIG REB
Well, we got us a shy nig...
But he never gets that word out. Bang! West lashes a
lightning martial arts kick to the Reb's jaw.
WEST
Fought five long years with the
Union Army not to hear that word
again. And you boys lost,
remember?
As the other Reb comes at him, he spins, still holding
the hat in front of him... and whap! Down that one goes.
West looks up at the none-too-bright water tank woman.
WEST
How 'bout some pants!?
As she throws the rest of his clothes down in a heap...
5.
12 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 12
General McGrath checks a pocket watch, looks up
impatiently at the Indian, Hudson. His eyes drift
upwards... to the balcony where...
ANGLE ON UPSTAIRS BALCONY - TWO MORE EX-REBS
have come up back stairs lugging a heavy steamer trunk.
McGRATH
I'm still waiting on my guns and
ammo, but I see my men have
brought your merchandise.
McGrath subtly gestures with his eyes to the balcony for
Hudson to confirm. Hudson nods.
McGRATH
I had expected to be delivering it
personally to Mr...
Hudson quickly cuts him off before he can say the name.
The Indian speaks in a very precise King's English.
HUDSON
My employer, here in a brothel?
(a small ironic
smile)
That would be quite... redundant.
13 EXT. STREET - ON CARRIAGE - NIGHT 13
MOVE IN ON an elegant brougham driven by a very large,
very striking woman in livery.
As the carriage passes under the gas lamp, we can make
out the top-hatted silhouette of McGrath's "employer,"
DR. ARLISS LOVELESS. Clustered around him inside the cab
are three more beautiful women. As he strokes the cheek
of the ORIENTAL one with the back of his hand like a
cat...
14 INT. FAT-CAN'S - McGRATH AND HUDSON - NIGHT 14
HUDSON
You'll meet him when the time --
and place -- are appropriate.
Now...
(stands)
... shall we go upstairs to check
the 'merchandise'?
(CONTINUED)
6.
14 CONTINUED: 14
McGRATH
Frankly, Mr. Hudson, I wasn't
planning to walk those oaken
stairs with you. Direct me to the
poot, sir. Something young and
creamy. A gamer that takes to the
crop and spur.
McGrath looks to the singer (Rita), who beats a hasty
retreat from him after her song. So, once again, McGrath
lays his rheumy eyes on...
ANGLE ON SOILED DOVE
She's oblivious, more intrigued by the ex-Rebs on the
balcony with the trunk. As she starts for the stairs...
a man's hand grabs her. It's the Eye-Crossed Reb again.
EYE-CROSSED REB
You drive a hard bargain, lady.
All right, fifty cents to take
them big juicy lips and...
DORA
Still not interested.
She tries to pull away. But the Reb won't let go.
EYE-CROSSED REB
But you gotta be interested.
You're a whore.
Suddenly the coquettishness in the eyes becomes rage.
The falsetto becomes a baritone growl.
DORA
(baritone)
That doesn't mean a girl can't
have high standards.
Just as the Reb registers the odd new voice... wham! Her
corsage springs out and whacks him right in the jaw. The
Reb's eyes roll back... and he slumps to the ground.
Whooa, hoss... the Soiled Dove is a man! He's ARTEMUS
GORDON and his true profession will be revealed to us
shortly. But now, as he/she stashes the unconscious Reb
behind the bar, straightens bosom and wig...
15 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 15
West is trying to get dressed.
(CONTINUED)
7.
15 CONTINUED: 15
As he pulls on one leg of his pants, a guard lunges at
him with a knife. West hops up on one leg, smacks the
guy with a mule kick.
Now he puts his arm through his shirt sleeve. When the
hand emerges out of the cuff, it's balled in a fist --
which coldcocks the other guard.
WEST
Could I have a little privacy
here?
As if in response, the water tower, still hovering above,
now crashes to the floor -- obliterating his opponents.
WEST
Thank you.
He calmly looks up in time to catch the falling, naked,
screaming Saloon Girl in his arms.
WEST
You'll have to excuse me,
darlin'... but my evidence is
getting away.
West gallantly puts her down, jumps up, grabs the
overhead block and tackle system and slides through the
warehouse. As the HORSE TEAM, which has spooked,
THUNDERS past...
CLOSEUP - WEST
sails onto the runaway wagon. As he pulls himself into
the back, he gives the shivering Saloon Girl a tip of his
hat -- now on his head.
WEST
Sorry about there not being any
towels.
16 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 16
General McGrath leers down a line-up of Fat-Can's girls.
Just as he gets to the beautiful singer, who looks sick
at the thought, suddenly Gordon intrudes. He/she blocks
out the singer, poses coquettishly -- sucking a
lollypop.
McGRATH
What's your name, missy?
(CONTINUED)
8.
16 CONTINUED: 16
GORDON/DORA
(demurely; back to
his falsetto)
Dora. Would you like to go
upstairs?
McGRATH
Oh, indeedy I would.
Gordon/Dora starts to go as the Eye-Crossed Reb wakes up.
He grabs him/her, very pissed.
EYE-CROSSED REB
Hey, c'mere! Who the hell are you
anyway?!
McGRATH
She's... mine!
Blam! McGrath emphasizes his claim by gut-shooting the
Reb. The shot makes Dora/Gordon jump and the room go
quiet. As the Reb crumples, McGrath turns back to
Gordon/Dora, oddly inspired.
McGRATH
I feel like... a ditty!
GORDON/DORA
A ditty? But General...
(trying to be
coquettish again)
... my talents really lay
elsewhere.
McGRATH
Nothing stokes the fire in my
loins like a ditty.
McGrath hauls him/her over to the piano player.
McGRATH
You've got some pretty fair lungs
on ya, girl, now use 'em!
He punctuates with a slap to Gordon/Dora's rump. The
other singer (Rita) watches too.
17 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT 17
Gordon/Dora is sweating. Reluctantly, he/she whispers
something to the piano player. He clears his throat and
begins singing.
(CONTINUED)
9.
17 CONTINUED: 17
GORDON/DORA
(weakly)
'Buy a drink for the boys
In the backroom for me...'
18 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - WILD WAGON RIDE - NIGHT 18
West spots the contents of an open box. Eyes widen.
CLOSE - BOX - DOZEN GLASS VIALS
stuck in sand. But clinking together ominously as the
wagon races over the cobblestones.
WEST
Backwards-ass bumpkins got a wagon
full of nitro...!
West tries to steady the glass vials with his hands...
but it's no use. He quickly climbs over the boxes, onto
the buckboard seat. But the reins are dragging on the
ground beneath the frothing horses.
West leaps onto the horses as the wagon careens down the
street. He pulls himself over the first one's neck...
onto the next horse. And as he tries for the lead horse,
he falls between them!
19 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT 19
Gordon/Dora singing. He/she struggles through the song
in a very tough room.
GORDON/DORA
'And tell them I tried...
And tell them I cried...'
Just when it looks like the stone-faced rowdies might rip
him/her apart, McGrath starts tapping a mud-caked toe.
Encouraged, Gordon/Dora belts out the next verses OVER...
20 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - WILD WAGON RIDE - NIGHT 20
West's custom boots drag in the dirt as he's about to be
trampled under the hooves of the freaked-out horses. And
if he hasn't got enough problems, the lynch pin attaching
the team to the wagon has almost worked its way out.
CLOSE - BACK OF WAGON - NITRO VIALS
(CONTINUED)
10.
20 CONTINUED: 20
CLANKING together like chimes...
CLOSE - WEST
Straining with every ounce of strength in his body, he
pulls himself up by the harness onto...
CLOSE - WILD-EYED LEAD HORSE
West grabs for the halter.
WEST
Whoa now...!
But it doesn't whoa. The wagon goes around a corner up
on two wheels! It's about to tilt over when West grabs
both the horses' ears, yanks them back -- screaming into
them.
WEST
I said, whoa!!!
This approach seems to work.
21 EXT. RISE ABOVE FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT 21
The team comes to an abrupt stop... and with it the wagon
hanging over the edge of a steep drop.
Jim carefully climbs off. He slaps the dust on his
jacket, straightens the crease in his trousers. When he
looks up, a bitter smile.
WEST
Well, well, this is workin' out to
be a perfect day. My man...
HIS POV - VICTORIAN BUILDING - ACROSS STREET
The tasteful sign under the red light reads: "FAT-CAN
CANDY'S." And framed in the window, General McGrath with
his singing soiled dove.
WEST (O.S.)
... General Bloodbath McGrath.
11.
22 INT. FAT-CAN'S - CLOSE - McGRATH 22
McGrath is clapping with the crowd of misfits who are now
singing along with Gordon/Dora. He/she's won over the room.
GORDON/CROWD
(rousing finish)
And tell them I tried just the
same...!
He/she curtsies to rousing applause. McGrath beams like
a man with the fire in his loins roaring. He grabs his
little songbird and up the stairs they go.
Out the WINDOWS, we see West tracking them. Simul-
taneously going up outside steps.
23 INT. FAT-CAN'S - UPSTAIRS - GORDON/DORA 23
leads the sweating, leering General down the hall.
He/she quickly opens and closes boudoir doors --
ostensibly to find a free room for their assignation.
The real agenda is to find the mysterious trunk.
ANGLE ON DOORWAY #1
Quick peek. He/she registers a mild reaction of shock.
Closes that door and moves on to...
ANGLE ON DOORWAY #2
Quick peek. The two rebs sitting on the trunk. At their
feet is a wriggling burlap sack. The "merchandise" is alive.
Gordon/Dora giggles like a schoolgirl.
GORDON/DORA
Well, that's a new one.
McGrath slams the door, drags Gordon/Dora roughly...
24 INT. BOUDOIR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 24
Our soiled dove has her back to the door as if steeling
herself for the task at hand. McGrath beckons her over
to the bed.
McGRATH
Don't let the ear scare you. I
lost it at Chickamauga.
Gordon/Dora squints at the jerry-rigged ear.
(CONTINUED)
12.
24 CONTINUED: 24
GORDON/DORA
Oh really. One can hardly
notice...
(fiddles with her
belt buckle)
Would you mind...? I... I...
can't seem to release the clasp of
my belt.
Say no more. McGrath is on her like a flash, fidgeting
with it. But it pops open, revealing a spiraling screen
courtesy of Dr. Mesmer. His eyes lock onto it.
McGRATH
Wha... what's this?
GORDON/DORA
It's a deep, deep pool. Maybe
your old swimmin' hole. Getting
sleepy, General?
McGRATH
(ga-ga)
Yes, I'm sleepy.
McGrath sits on the floor. Gordon smiles... this is
gonna be easy.
GORDON
(normal voice)
Good. You're going to be my
little doggy. And when I say
'speak,' you tell me everything I
want to know. Understood?
McGRATH
(barks)
Woof!
GORDON
All right, little doggy. Sit up.
(as he does)
Now tell me who's in the sack next
door. Is it the scientist, Dr.
Escobar? Speak!
McGRATH
Woof! Woof!
GORDON
Speak words, dumb doggy! Tell me
the name of the man you kidnapped
him for...
(CONTINUED)
13.
24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
But McGrath doesn't answer. Gordon's Mesmer spiral slows
to a stop. McGrath is coming out of the trance. McGrath
starts to growl, rip at his/her petticoats.
GORDON
Watch the swirling spiral! Lie
down, bad dog!
As Gordon notices that his contraption's failed...
25 OMITTED 25
26 INT. FAT-CAN'S - BOUDOIR - GORDON/DORA 26
is busy trying to get the spiral going again, doesn't see
McGrath reach for his boot knife. Just as the deranged
general's about to plunge it into Gordon/Dora...
... the WINDOW EXPLODES. Jim West comes tumbling into
the room, kicks the knife out of McGrath's hand in one
smooth move. West rolls to his feet, fixes a gallant
smile on Gordon/Dora.
WEST
Didn't mean to startle you, ma'am.
Looked like you could use some
help.
It takes Gordon a moment to recover. He stares at this
black Samaritan, obviously having no clue who he is.
GORDON
(clears throat to
recover falsetto)
Looks can be deceivin'... dark
stranger. I am perfectly fine.
West quickly pats McGrath down, removes a revolver and
his bag of gold coins.
WEST
I can see that, darlin'. Woman of
your caliber probably gets top
dollar, too. So here you go.
(flips her McGrath's
coin bag)
You can run along. I'll take care
of McGrath.
As West sticks the barrel of his gun in McGrath's
gramophone ear, Gordon's eyes pop.
(CONTINUED)
14.
26 CONTINUED: 26
GORDON/DORA
No! I need him!
WEST
C'mon, lady. You got the money.
Have a little dignity.
Gordon jerks West's gun hand away from McGrath's head
just as the dog-soldier comes around. McGrath suddenly
lunges at him.
McGRATH
(bellows ferociously)
West...!!!
He drives his full weight into Jim's back, pushing him out
into...
27 INT. FAT-CAN'S - UPSTAIRS HALL 27
McGrath's rebel yell brings help from all directions.
DOORS BANG open all along the hallway. Not just
McGrath's men, but Hudson and his crew. A melee will
ensue.
West pushes the monster off of him, rolls as a BULLET
SPLINTERS the WOOD where he just was. The SHOT STARTS...
ANGLE - STAMPEDE OF SEMI-CLAD WHORES
all screaming hysterically and heading for the exits.
The beautiful young singer, who'd been coming up the
stairs alone, is now swept back down them.
Gordon, still in character, pushes his way upstream to the
room where the scientist is held.
28 INT. FAT-CAN'S - ADJACENT ROOM - NIGHT 28
Hudson, his back turned, barking orders at his henchmen.
HUDSON
Get Escobar out of here!
The henchmen heft the wriggling sack, when:
GORDON (O.S.)
Leave him right there.
(CONTINUED)
15.
28 CONTINUED: 28
Hudson whirls to see the gruff-talking Gordon/Dora holding
the perfume bottle on him like it's a Colt 45. Now Gordon
shakes one of the heavy bracelets off his wrist, CLICKS a
LOCK, snapping it open. He's accessorized with custom
handcuffs.
GORDON
Let's go, Hudson... hands!
Hudson gives a sick little smile, reaches for his gun
when... WSSSSHT!
Gordon sprays him in the eyes with the second bulb of the
atomizer. (The first Mace!) Hudson howls in pain, drops
the gun, rubs his eyes madly with both hands.
GORDON
Thank... you.
Gordon starts to snap the cuffs on the perfectly
presented wrists when...
29 FAT-CAN'S - UPSTAIRS HALL - WEST - NIGHT 29
brawling a dozen attackers. West spots McGrath trying to
escape down the stairs. He uncorks a lethal kick, sending
a thug flying through the doorway and into the back of
Gordon.
Gordon staggers, drops the perfume/mace BOTTLE which
SHATTERS. Hudson recovers his vision enough to send a
fist into Gordon's mascaraed face, pile-driving him back
into the hall. While Hudson and his men make their
escape down the back stairs with the scientist sack...
CLOSE - WEST AND GORDON
West is blocked from chasing McGrath, Gordon from going
after Hudson. West tries to push her aside.
WEST
U.S. Army... Now get outta my
way, lady!
GORDON
(the baritone
growl)
I'm no lady! I'm a U.S. Marshal!
You get out of my way!
Gordon whip off his wig, reaches inside it for something.
West blinks at the weirdness, reflexively draws his Colt.
As Gordon withdraws not a gun, but a badge, from his
wig...
16.
30 EXT. RISE ABOVE FAT CAN'S - CARRIAGE - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 30
is waiting at the top of the hill beside the nitro wagon.
Dr. Loveless is beside it, face still shadowed.
INSIDE CARRIAGE - FAIR-SKINNED BEAUTY
has opera glasses trained on the second story of Fat-
Can's. Her name is LIPPENREIDER. And now we'll see why.
LIPPENREIDER
(in a monotone)
Get out of my way... get out of my
way... U.S. Army... U.S. Marshal.
LOVELESS
Oh, dear...
The lip-reading is interrupted by the arrival of...
ANGLE - TOP OF INCLINE - HUDSON AND HIS HENCHMEN
who come racing up with the scientist-in-the-sack.
HUDSON
Federal agents inside, sir!
LOVELESS
So Miss Lippenreider informs me.
(sighs)
Still, I believe good manners
dictate we should send out...
His cane telescopes out and Loveless pokes the lynch pin
out of the harness on the nitro wagon. Then he gives the
wagon the slightest push.
LOVELESS
... the welcome wagon.
Once started, the wagon rolls downhill, toward the back
door of Fat-Can Candy's, picking up speed...
Then, as his female coterie pulls the burlap sack into
the carriage, Loveless steps in behind. And they're off.
31 INT. FAT CAN'S - UPSTAIRS HALL - NIGHT 31
West and Gordon, oblivious to the impending disaster...
WEST
So now what...?
(CONTINUED)
17.
31 CONTINUED: 31
The answer is provided as the NITRO WAGON hits
downstairs.
KABOOOOOOM!!! THEME MUSIC UP... as we roll...
32 MAIN TITLES 32
The titles are the familiar animated freeze frames from
the TV show. In the two corners are our heroes -- Upper
left shows West with his gun levelled toward... upper
right -- Gordon with his wig in one hand and his badge in
the other, pointed across toward West.
The cowboy/agent in the middle square fights and defeats
the various bad guys. Then as he exits, QUICK ZOOM ON
main title: "THE WILD WILD WEST."
PAN DOWN TO a sketch of a train caboose as TITLES END...
33 EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY (1869) 33
West rides his magnificent black stallion down
Pennsylvania Avenue.
Besides horse-drawn carriages, West shares the dusty road
with people on bicycles -- the latest craze. He finally
pulls his steed up at his destination...
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
West dismounts, ties his horse to a hitching post and
winces as he puts his weight on a sore leg.
34 INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY 34
West limps past black floor scrubbers. They stop working
to marvel at this handsome black man dressed in custom
cowboy duds walking in there like he owns the place.
But not everybody's so impressed. As West heads toward
the Oval Office, four self-important house detectives
block his way.
HOUSE DETECTIVE
Whoa there, 'pardner.'
(as West stops)
Winning the war may have got you
forty acres and a mule, but you
can't just traipse into the
President's office. Now gimme
that gun.
(CONTINUED)
18.
34 CONTINUED: 34
He nods at the six gun on West's hip. West coolly flexes
his hand above it, like he's about to draw...
WEST
This gun?
Then like lightning, with his other hand, he whips out a
sawed-off shotgun hidden by his jacket. He pokes the
12-gauge barrels up against Pinkerton's surprised crotch.
WEST
Or this one?
A voice stops the situation from escalating further.
PRESIDENT GRANT (O.S.)
Gentlemen!
The detective's head swivels around to see...
ANGLE - OVAL OFFICE DOOR - PRESIDENT GRANT
stands in the doorway.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Don't make Captain West any later
for his appointment than he
already is!
The detectives back away from the hair-trigger cowboy as
fast as they can. West reholsters the gun and
continues...
35 INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE 35
President Grant goes over to his desk, lights a cigar.
Backlit in the haze, the portly bearded figure lives up
to the myth.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Been a lot of death threats lately
... Cabinet made me hire some damn
detectives.
(by way of apology)
Drink, cigar?
WEST
Thank you, sir.
West limps across the room to the bar, pours himself a
glass of whiskey, takes a cigar out of the humidor.
(CONTINUED)
19.
35 CONTINUED: 35
PRESIDENT GRANT
I hear you let General McGrath
get away?
Now West's blood is up.
WEST
Sir, I had him right in my hands
when some half-a-sissy wearin' a
dress ruined...
PRESIDENT GRANT
(cuts him off)
Artemus Gordon.
WEST
You... know him?
PRESIDENT GRANT
Of course I know him, he's the
best marshal I've got! He's a
genius.
(off West's
incredulous look)
Gordon has proven himself time and
again as a very cunning operator
with a rapacious intellect.
Nothing will stop him from
completing a mission for his
President... except the impulsive
actions of a headstrong cowboy!
West just looks at him soberly. Draws his gun and
places it against the President's head. Grant's eyes
widen.
WEST
Who are you?
PRESIDENT GRANT
I am the President of the United
States!
West points the GUN to the ceiling and pulls the trigger.
BLAM!!! As Grant jumps a foot and plaster rains down...
WEST
Wrong answer. Who are you?
PRESIDENT GRANT
I am the President of...
(as West cocks gun)
... I'm Artemus Gordon.
(CONTINUED)
20.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
West lowers his gun, nods at Gordon's class ring.
WEST
The President went to West Point
... not Harvard.
PRESIDENT GRANT (O.S.)
Will somebody tell me what the
hell this stunt is all about!?!
36 INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - SIDE DOORWAY - 36
PRESIDENT GRANT - DAY
(the real one) stands in the doorway, hands on hips,
surrounded by his house detectives -- their guns drawn.
West nudges the fake Grant in the fake belly with his gun
barrel -- go ahead. Sheepishly, Gordon starts peeling
off his primitive, but effective, facial prosthetics.
GORDON
Sir, in perilous times like these,
I was simply illustrating how
someone impersonating you could
actually walk right into the very
bowels of the White House...
Just as Gordon makes his intestinal allusion, West takes
a ceremonial bayonet off Grant's desk and pokes a hole in
the inflated bladder that was his fake paunch. The AIR
HISSES out, finishes deflating with a flatulent R-R-RIP.
(Hey, the first whoopee cushion?)
Gordon scowls at him.
PRESIDENT GRANT
You're clever, Gordon. One day
it'll get you killed.
West smirks as Grant looks up at the bullet hole in the
ceiling, then fixes West with a disapproving eye.
PRESIDENT GRANT
... And you, West -- not every
situation calls for your patented
approach of shoot first, shoot
later, shoot again -- then when
they're all dead, try to ask a
question or two.
(shakes his head)
Working together will be good for
both of you.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 21.
36 CONTINUED: 36
WEST AND GORDON
But, sir, I work...
PRESIDENT GRANT
You work the way your Commander In
Chief tells you to work.
Grant turns and EXITS FRAME.
37 INT. WHITE HOUSE - WAR ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION - DAY 37
The place is a buzzing intelligence operations center --
state-of-the-art for the 1860's. Maps of the U.S. and
the world are on the wall. Various staff and military
people work CLACKING TELEGRAPHS, PRINTING MACHINES that
GRIND out reports, etc.
Grant stops at a display of daguerreotype photos, all
depicting distinguished bewhiskered men.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Ten of our country's best
scientists... all kidnapped in the
last year. By General McGrath, it
now seems.
(turns to them)
The fact is, gentlemen, you've
both been working on the same
case all along. Why did it take
you so long to realize it?
WEST
Well, sir, one of us was still
trying to figure out if he was a
man or a woman.
The detectives snicker over that one. Grant's had
enough.
PRESIDENT GRANT
I don't have time for this
bickering! One week, if we're to
believe this...
Grant holds out a letter to Gordon and West. Gordon
snatches it, reads:
PRESIDENT GRANT
(reading)
'General Grant, the scientists
that you seek are in my employ --
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 21A.
37 CONTINUED: (A1) 37
PRESIDENT GRANT (CONT'D)
-- Creating a weapons system
beyond the pale of contemporary
imagination. History and justice
are on my side. I suggest you put
your affairs in order. You have
one week before you will surrender
the U.S. Government.'
(CONTINUED)
22.
37 CONTINUED: 37
PRESIDENT GRANT
This letter was delivered inside
this.
An aide presents a glass case. Inside is a cake in the
shape of the White House.
GORDON
(reaching inside)
Marzipan, isn't it?
PRESIDENT GRANT
(grabs his hand)
Wait!
Suddenly dozens of deadly-looking spiders swarm out from
inside the cake. Gordon jerks his hand back.
WEST
It's McGrath, sir. The South is
rising again. I'm gonna stop it.
GORDON
Sir, West's obsession aside,
McGrath may be a vicious killer,
but a mastermind he is not. So
whom do we seek? After consulting
with Intelligence...
WEST
(cuts him off)
McGrath's headed for New Orleans.
The longer we stand here talkin',
the farther away he gets. I don't
need 'Intelligence' to tell me
that.
GORDON
Ah, so that would mean you rely on
... Stupidity?
Grant's had enough.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Gentlemen! I'm leaving today for
Utah where the transcontinental
railroads will be joined at
Promontory Point.
Grant points to a map of the United States. The railroad
lines have been drawn in... still a gap between them.
(CONTINUED)
23.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
PRESIDENT GRANT
For the first time the United
States will truly be united.
(turns, holds up
letter)
Someone wants us divided. Now
look, you two are the best I've
got. Put aside your differences
and stop this madman... whoever he
is. If you fail, well... we may
never know how great this country
could've been.
(snaps off a salute)
You have a week. Dismissed!
They both return Grant's salute as the President stomps
off. His AIDE now approaches.
AIDE
The President has put a private
train at your disposal. Engine
number five, track six.
(holds out a
wrapped box)
Mr. Gordon, the item you
requested.
Gordon takes the box, hurries to catch up with West.
38 EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY 38
West and Gordon, walking toward the hitching post. West
is so beside himself he can barely untie his high-voltage
stud. He glowers at Gordon who goes over to where...
ANGLE - STRANGE-LOOKING BICYCLE
Is parked on the other side of a bush. It has the
customary big wheel in the front, little wheel in the
back. (Hidden from sight is a motor on the front tire.
Dual manifolds that sling under the rider's legs.)
West shakes his head in disgust.
WEST
Figures.
GORDON
I call it the Bi-axle Nitro-
Combust...
(CONTINUED)
24.
38 CONTINUED: 38
WEST
Save it. I've gotta train to
catch.
West swings into the saddle. He looks at the SNORTING
wild HORSE under him, then down at Gordon attaching the
box onto the seat of his Nitro-whatever.
WEST
(snaps off a smug
salute)
Yee-haaa!!
West spurs his horse and leaves Gordon in the proverbial
cloud of dust.
Although West's intentions are clear, for some reason,
Gordon's in no particular hurry. He sighs, climbs on the
bike, takes out a hankie and cleans a pair of goggles.
Then, finally ready...
GORDON
Avant!!!
VROOOM! An ENGINE KICKS IN and Gordon rockets forward.
(Yep, Artemus has invented the first motorcycle!) Fiery
exhaust blasts out of the manifolds as the bike propels
him down the street at about 60 mph right past...
ANGLE ON WEST AND HIS STALLION
who both look over in wide-eyed shock. The horse rears
as Gordon SCREAMS by -- leaving them in a cloud of
internal combustion.
39 EXT. C STREET TRAIN STATION - TRAIN ENGINE - DAY 39
From in front, as it CHUGS TOWARDS us. Sitting up in the
spanking new steam engine (No. 5) is a white-haired
Coleman. The Wanderer is his pride and joy. Coleman
pushes the throttle forward and the ENGINE ROARS PAST
us... followed by a tender, and two gleaming passenger
cars.
Then comes West THUNDERING past in a desperate effort to
catch up.
(CONTINUED)
25.
39 CONTINUED: 39
ANGLE - WITH WEST
riding like hell. Getting the last ounce of speed out of
his well-lathered steed, he finally pulls alongside the
rear passenger car. He looks up... In the window, we see
Gordon engrossed in what he's doing... which appears to
be sewing.
WEST
Stop this train!! You hear me!?!
If Gordon hears him, he pretends not to. He just
casually makes the next stitch.
West's horse has had it. They're losing ground to the
train. At the last second, West leans over at full
gallop and grabs a handle on the side of the train. He
swings out of the saddle, hanging on for dear life,
blowing in the breeze like laundry.
Finally, his boot finds a small metal plate to put its
weight on. Just as West stands safely on it... whoosh!
He flies up in the air and drops through a sliding
partition in the roof.
40 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 40
The car is like a classy Victorian men's club. Bar
stocked with crystal decanters, a pool table, decorative
pistols on the wall, books, etc. Gordon, seated in a
club chair, looks over as West falls from the ceiling
into a seat. He's hot, dusty and very pissed off. He
glowers at Gordon murderously.
GORDON
(calmly)
Thanks for dropping in.
WEST
Forget the bikes, the beards, the
fake boobies. Put down the
needlepoint and let's settle
this like men!
He takes off jacket, starts rolling up his sleeves.
Gordon remains remarkably cool, continues sewing.
GORDON
As a matter of clarification, this
isn't needlepoint. This is.
He shows him some real needlepoint.
(CONTINUED)
26.
40 CONTINUED: 40
GORDON
Right now, I'm putting the final
touches on a new invention of my
creation. I call it... The
Impermeable. It's a vest that,
when worn under the clothing, can
stop any modern bullet fired even
at close range.
West draws his gun, aims it at Gordon's stomach and cocks
the trigger.
WEST
Really?
Gordon quickly pulls the vest away from his stomach.
GORDON
But it hasn't been really
tested empirically yet.
WEST
Get up!
West takes off his guns and puts them on the table.
GORDON
(yawn, yawn)
Guns. I find them so primitive
and unnecessary... if one has done
one's proper planning.
WEST
Yeah? How do you feel about a
fist?
Gordon puts down The Impermeable, stands with a weary
sigh.
GORDON
I must tell you, Mr. West, I've
always felt that allowing a
situation to degenerate into
physical violence is a failure on
my part.
WEST
Well then, 'Mr.' Gordon, you
failed.
Whap! West unleashes a lightning punch that drives
Gordon across the train car. He dabs at his bloody lip.
(CONTINUED)
27.
40 CONTINUED: (2) 40
GORDON
I'm sorry, Mr. West, you brought
this on yourself.
Then to West's utter amazement, Gordon puts his hands
together as if praying while at the same time, crooking
his right leg stork-like. Is this some kind of martial
art? Then, he bends at the waist, and like a ballet
dancer, extends his leg out to the wall and flips a
switch.
It immediately triggers a leather hammer to swing down
from the ceiling. It whacks West on the side of the
head, and sends him spinning back onto the pool table.
ANGLE ON POOL TABLE - WEST
shakes it off and is about to attack again. Gordon
calmly pokes a hidden button. Suddenly the pool table
revolves. West is gone.
GORDON
I love this train!
41 EXT. UNDERNEATH WANDERER - DAY 41
West, eyes wide, is clinging on for dear life, staring at
the ties racing by, inches from his face.
42 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - GORDON 42
Gordon pours a fine Bordeaux, speaks loudly toward floor.
GORDON
The President asked for my
suggestions on how to make the
Wanderer both comfortable and
functional...
As he swishes the wine in his mouth...
43 EXT. UNDER WANDERER - DAY (SAME TIME) 43
West reaches up to get a handhold in the myriad of tubes
and wires on the underside of the car. As he rips one
tube out of the undercarriage...
28.
44 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 44
Gordon has just settled into the club chair, puts his wine
down on the table.
GORDON
And while you're down there,
you may want to avail yourself
of my Sub-carriage Inter-rail
Egressor...
Suddenly SHACKLES SNAP out of the arms of the chair,
pinning Gordon's wrists. Before he knows what hit him,
the floor opens and the club chair disappears.
45 EXT. UNDER WANDERER - DAY 45
Gordon appears upside down in the chair, chagrined at
his predicament. West looks from the escape trolley
Gordon was talking about back to his partner.
WEST
Only one doin' any 'egressin'
is gonna be you.
GORDON
(wide-eyed)
Perhaps the President was right
about us putting aside our petty
differences.
(recites above the
CLATTER)
'The opposite is beneficial, from
things that differ comes the
fairest attunement.' Aristotle.
Suddenly they flip OUT OF FRAME and back into the car,
shocked to find themselves facing...
46 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 46
Coleman's a scowling, grizzled old man in a coal-stained
suit. He's got a fire in his eye, brown spittle in the
corner of his mouth where a cigarette butt lives
permanently, and a large copper pot in his hand.
COLEMAN
Knock each other about all ya
please, but harm my train and
I'll douse ya like dogs.
He threatens them with the pot of steaming liquid. Now,
for the first time, Gordon really looks troubled.
(CONTINUED)
29.
46 CONTINUED: 46
GORDON
That's my veal reduction sauce!
COLEMAN
Well then, let's get on about our
business, shall we, gentlemen?
Now, where to?
WEST
New Orleans.
GORDON
Shall we let Professor Morton
decide?
WEST
Who?
47 INT. WANDERER LAB CAR - DUSK 47
A severed human head is in a vise.
GORDON
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
expert in the field of metallurgy
... discovered in a field of
alfalfa. Kidnapped from M.I.T.
six months ago.
West looks from the head to the open box.
WEST
That's a man's head!
Gordon holds up a strange, circular metallic object.
GORDON
... And this magnetic collar was
around it when his body was
discovered. Haven't figured that
one out yet...
But West is still staring in disbelief at the head.
WEST
That's a man's head.
Gordon starts fiddling with a lantern positioned behind
the head.
(CONTINUED)
30.
47 CONTINUED: 47
GORDON
According to the Retinal Terminus
Theory... a dying person's last
conscious image is burned into the
back of the eyeball like a
photograph. Perhaps there's a
clue there...
Excited, Gordon turns on the lantern attached to the back
of his head. Beams of light are coming through his
eyeballs, creating a blurry color image on the wall.
GORDON
Morton's last image!
WEST
That's a man's head!
West turns his head sideways to try to view the inverted
image projected on the wall. Gordon realizes the
problem.
GORDON
Ah. The refraction of the lenses
causes the image to appear upside
down. We simply...
He turns Morton's head in the vise. It's right side up,
but still blurry.
ANGLE ON WALL - FUZZY IMAGE
appears. It's a man who has a tiny Victrola horn for an
ear. He's holding a bloody metal boomerang.
WEST
It's McGrath. I was right all
along.
Gordon sees something in McGrath's pocket.
GORDON
He seems to have something in his
pocket... too fuzzy to read,
though...
Gordon drums his fingers on his great frontal lobe,
stymied.
GORDON
Mortification of the aqueous humor
seems to have led to the loss
of...
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 31.
47 CONTINUED: (2) 47
WEST
... glasses.
West takes the bifocals out of the box, casually puts them
on Morton's nose. West now gestures to the wall.
CLOSE - IMAGE ON WALL
The white blur in the man's pocket is now focused. We
can see that it's the top of a piece of paper. He reads
the writing on it.
WEST
'Friends of the South! Come to
a Surprise Costume Ball. April
14, eight-thirty. 346 Garden
Street... '
(lowers glasses,
looks up)
Like I said.... New Orleans.
48 EXT. NEW ORLEANS TRAIN SIDING - NIGHT 48
We see the Wanderer parked on the siding as we hear voices
over.
GORDON (V.O.)
How about this? You could come
as my man servant?
49 INT. WANDERER - LAB CAR - NIGHT 49
Gordon has his wardrobe open. Selected from his vast
array of costumes and disguises is a full livery outfit.
GORDON
How about this? You could come
as my man servant.
WEST
(slave voice)
Oh yes, Massa Gordon, dats what
I'll do. And I'll jus' smile
and do as I's tole so those
people won' ever know that I
would rather shoot myself in
the head than play your god
damned man servant!
West is right in Gordon's face.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 32.
49 CONTINUED: 49
GORDON
I have a horse costume.
(then, cheery)
You could be the head.
WEST
The only thing I need to wear is
this.
West straps on his holster.
GORDON
Okay, if you insist on carrying a
firearm, I have something I think
you'll find intriguing...
Gordon displays a belt with a silver buckle. He taps the
buckle... a Derringer pops out. West stares, impressed.
GORDON
And it would go nicely with this...
Gordon takes out a sequined dress, holds the Derringer up
against it.
WEST
Jim West does not wear a dress.
GORDON
Then what's your plan?
WEST
How 'bout this: I'll go as a
government agent who's gonna
kill McGrath.
GORDON
An armed, Negro cowboy costume,
how creative. In a room full of
white Southerners, you oughtta
fit right in. You might even win
first prize!
West starts to walk away. Gordon grabs him.
GORDON
Listen to me. The art of disguise
is what's going to get us into
that party, thus allowing us to
find these kidnapped scientists
before they're forced to create
something that will destroy this
great country.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33.
49 CONTINUED: (2) 49
GORDON (CONT'D)
Now you and I are the chosen ones,
Jim. We're under direct orders
from the President himself. And
our mission is clear: Save our
country. Our freedom is at stake
and this is our duty as men. Now,
you go as a riverboat captain and
I'll be a saloon girl.
WEST
Let me tell you a little something
about beloved 'art of disguise'...
That night at Fat-Can's, I knew you
weren't a woman.
GORDON
But I was propositioned by three
men.
WEST
Gordon, you looked nasty. Your
breasts were all hard and stiff,
and were sticking straight out
like two rusty cannons on a
sunken ship.
Gordon grabs his fake breasts off the rack. He puts
them on.
GORDON
These are a work of art.
Scientifically and aesthetically
perfect.
WEST
They look like shit.
GORDON
Touch them.
WEST
I don't wanna touch 'em. I can
see I don't like 'em.
GORDON
What, are you afraid you're
wrong? Touch my breasts.
West touches Gordon's fake breasts.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33A.
49 CONTINUED: (3) 49
ANGLE - COLEMAN
walking through the next car, carrying a tray of tea.
Gordon's last line got his attention. What the...?
Coleman peeks around the corner to see West eyeing
Gordon's "chest."
COLEMAN
(to himself)
I knew it. Well, I'll have no
part of it!
Coleman shakes his head and walks off.
ANGLE - WEST AND GORDON
West is thwapping Gordon's breasts.
WEST
There, Gordon, you happy?
I'm touching your breasts.
GORDON
Not so rough. The buckwheat'll
come out.
WEST
Buckwheat? That's your problem.
West takes one of the cow udders out of Gordon's bodice
and dumps the buckwheat onto the ground.
GORDON
What are you doing?
West goes over to a wash basin, picks up a water pitcher
and fills the cow bladder. West squeezes the cow bladder
shut and holds it up to his chest.
WEST
Now, squeeze this. This is what a
breast should feel like.
ANGLE - COLEMAN
Passing back through the next car. When he hears that
last line, he can't believe it. He peeks in again to
see...
GORDON
Whoa...
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33B.
49 CONTINUED: (4) 49
WEST
Isn't that nice?
GORDON
Very nice.
Coleman's mouth drops. He's sweating.
WEST
Now touch yourself.
GORDON
You win. I'm hard.
COLEMAN
(disgusted)
Federal officers, bah!
Coleman walks off, shaking his head.
BACK TO SCENE
Suddenly, Gordon shoots the cuffs off his jacket. Out of
one sleeve comes a pen. Out the other, a small pad of
paper. They are both connected to a spring-loaded metal
gizmo up his sleeve. West reacts, drawing his pistol up
into Gordon's face.
GORDON
I was just going to jot down a
thought.
WEST
You know something, that's a good
place to put a gun.
GORDON
But then, where would I keep my
notepad.
WEST
You know, Artemus, I think you
underestimate the convenience of a
pocket.
50 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION (NEW ORLEANS) - CARRIAGE - NIGHT 50
carrying some costumed swells pass through wrought-iron
gates guarded by some of McGrath's ex-Rebs. FOLLOW it up
a Spanish moss-draped drive to a huge Garden District
mansion. As the carriage pulls to a stop in front...
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33C.
51 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - CARRIAGE - NIGHT 51
Jim West drops to the ground from where he'd hitched a
ride underneath. He rolls into the shadows of the house.
When he stands, he's face to face with a huge GUARD with
a gun.
GUARD
You got about as much chance of
havin' an invitation as him.
He smirks at a lawn jockey. West reaches into his coat.
WEST
Matter of fact, got it right here.
He withdraws his hand. While the Guard squints at his
empty palm, West grabs his head with his other hand and
smacks it into the lawn jockey's fist... clang! West
leans the cold-cocked Guard against the house, uses his
shoulder as a step, boosting him up to...
34.
52 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - BALCONY - NIGHT 52
West grabs the ironwork underneath and acrobatically
swings himself over the rail. As he BREAKS the PANE on
the French door with his gun butt...
53 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - UPSTAIRS ROOM - NIGHT 53
West lets himself in. Then just as he's about to part
the heavy drapes... he hears women's voices approaching.
WOMAN (O.S.)
(in a Spanish
accent)
Hey... get your hands off me!
Now Miss Lippenreider, Amazonia and Munitia (bewigged and
wearing costumes) wrangle a beautiful and defiant Latina
into the room. When she turns we recognize she's the
singer from Fat-Can's. Rita is in her early 20s, wearing
a 19th-Century camisole so scanty, it makes it hard to
concentrate on what she's saying.
RITA
Put me in the dungeon with all
those smelly, dirty bearded men
... but I am not goin' in there.
AMAZONIA
You applied for the position.
RITA
Yeah, a standing up position. I'm
an entertainer, not a...
Amazonia grabs her by the throat, choking the word off.
MISS LIPPENREIDER
Do not be selfish and stupid. He
always spoils his new girl.
RITA
Yeah. Well gimme a simple diamond
bracelet instead of that...
POV - THROUGH DOOR - INTO BEDROOM
A ramp leads to a large bed. A leather and steel
prosthesis is hanging from pulleys attached to the
ceiling.
MUNITIA
It is not so bad... once the metal
warms up.
(CONTINUED)
35.
53 CONTINUED: 53
Amazonia just picks her up and drags the hapless Rita
into the room. West emerges from behind the curtains,
shakes his head. Weird. He eases out the door and
into...
54 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT 54
West hears the PARTY DIN coming from down below. He
goes to the balcony.
WEST'S POV - OVER STAIR LANDING - DOWNSTAIRS
The scene below is hallucinogenically surreal. A Babel
of foreign languages is the first thing that strikes us.
Avant garde MUSIC is coming from two 10x10 quartet boxes
on either side of the room to create stereo.
SULTRY WOMAN (O.S.)
An authentic cowboy outfit...
complete with six-guns!
West turns to see who busted him. Coming his way is a
ravishing Chinese girl dressed up as a DRAGON LADY.
DRAGON LADY
What a terribly clever costume,
Mr...?
WEST
... West. Jim West.
DRAGON LADY
Well... West meets East. Mae Lee
East.
(holds out
delicate hand)
Are you here alone, Mr. West?
WEST
Actually I'm, uh trying to
surprise an old friend -- General
McGrath. Seen him around
anywhere?
MISS EAST (DRAGON LADY)
I don't believe that name was on
our guest list. And I would know.
I'm Dr. Loveless's personal
assistant.
The name means something to West.
(CONTINUED)
36.
54 CONTINUED: 54
WEST
Dr. Arliss Loveless...? One of
the great founders of the
Confederacy with Jefferson Davis.
Funny how most people think he's
dead.
MISS EAST
Tonight's his coming-out party.
We FOLLOW them as she takes his arm and leads him down
the stairs, into the party.
55 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - DOWNSTAIRS - PARTY - NIGHT 55
West surveys the crowd.
MISS EAST
See anybody that looks familiar?
West scans the room. Stops.
WEST
Matter of fact, I do.
WEST'S POV - WOMAN WITH BIG HAIR
She's got the mole, too. Gordon has apparently encored
his Soiled Dove get-up.
Miss East sees who he's looking at. She makes a pouty
face as there's a flourish from the STEREO QUARTET.
MISS EAST
I'm... jealous.
(blows a little
kiss at him)
Meet me later... in the foyer.
West watches as she joins...
56 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - DOWNSTAIRS - PARTY - REST OF 56
LOVELESS' WOMEN - NIGHT
Miss East leads them in a sober rendition of "The Battle
Hymn of the Republic" in front of a large doorway.
DISTAFF CORPS
(singing)
'Mine eyes have seen the glory
Of the coming of the Lord...'
(CONTINUED)
37.
56 CONTINUED: 56
From behind the doors we hear the WHIR of an ELEVATOR.
It stops with a CLUNK. Suddenly...
NEW ANGLE - DOORWAY
bursts open and Abraham Lincoln in a mini-float appears.
It's decked out like Lincoln's box at Ford's theater. On
its own power, it moves past the laughing party-goers in
the foyer. Now the women throw grapes on the floor.
DISTAFF CORPS
(singing)
'He has trampled down the vintage
Where the grapes of wrath are
stored!'
WEST'S POV - ANGLE ON WHEELS OF WHEELCHAIR
are what's trampling down the vintage. West takes in the
whole man. Very curious. Then suddenly... KABOOM!
ANGLE ON ABE'S HEAD
It explodes like a pinata. Up from the hole in his neck
peeps... DR. ARLISS LOVELESS.
LOVELESS
(impishly)
Don't you just hate that song?
The Southern crowd gasps at Loveless's dramatic appearance.
LOVELESS
Why, y'all look like you've seen a
ghost! It's me, dear friends,
alive and kicking! Well, alive,
anyway...
As he giggles, the distaff corps surround him and remove
the Lincoln paraphernalia. Then step aside, revealing...
NEW ANGLE - DR. LOVELESS
is half a man. Literally. Cut off at the waist and
mounted on a wheelchair platform that is powered by an
engine, he is a man bereft of tuchus, kishkes and
everything else in that vicinity that makes life
interesting.
(CONTINUED)
38.
56 CONTINUED: (2) 56
LOVELESS
(chuckles)
We may've lost the war, but heaven
knows... we haven't lost our sense
of humor!
Dr. Loveless looks down at himself, smoothes half of his
Fritz Lang Metropolis-style suit. His face turns dark as
he surveys the crowd.
LOVELESS
Not even when we've lost a lung...
a spleen... a bladder... two
legs... thirty-five feet of small
intestine and our ability to
reproduce...
(like a preacher)
All in the name of the South...
(then quietly)
... do we lose our sense of humor.
You can hear a pin drop. Loveless turns to the foreign
dignitaries.
LOVELESS
I owe a deep debt of gratitude to
my friends across the sea for
their comfort and... succor.
He suddenly seems distracted by the comely beauties that
surround him. Then abruptly, manically...
LOVELESS
So...! Mi casa es su casa! Ma
maison est a vous! Let the party
begin!!!
Loveless signals to the quartets to resume playing. Miss
East leans down and whispers in his ear. Loveless looks
in West's direction.
Now Loveless wheels over to West. West isn't hiding.
He's cocky in the face of rolling danger.
LOVELESS
Mr. West, how nice of you to join
us tonight... and add color to
these monochromatic proceedings.
West keeps a lid on his temper. Two can play at this
game.
(CONTINUED)
39.
56 CONTINUED: (3) 56
WEST
Well, when a man comes back from
the dead, it's an occasion to
stand and be counted.
Loveless smiles slightly.
LOVELESS
Miss East informs me that you were
expecting to meet General McGrath
here. I knew him years ago... but
haven't seen him in a coon's age.
WEST
I bet a man like yourself would
find it difficult to keep in touch
with even half the people you
know.
Danger flickers in Loveless's eyes. He looks to Miss
East.
LOVELESS
Perhaps the lovely Miss East will
keep you from being a slave to
your disappointment.
WEST
Well, you know beautiful women...
they encourage you one second, cut
the legs out from under you the
next.
Loveless's face drops. He is no longer amused. Miss
East winks at West, then accompanies Loveless in the
direction of the study where...
57 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - OUTSIDE STUDY - NIGHT 57
General McGrath waits impatiently. He takes two
champagnes off a passing tray, guzzles them, then
wipes his mouth on Dolly Madison's bustle. As his
eyes sweep the room...
ANGLE - WEST
He ducks behind a mountain man carrying the French
tricolor. When Loveless and General McGrath disappear
into the study and close the door, West eases after
them. He pauses as he passes the "Soiled Dove," leans
into her big bouffant. He regards a stained-glass window
patterned with a spider over her shoulder.
(CONTINUED)
40.
57 CONTINUED: 57
WEST
Hey, honey... I see a big ole
spider up on the wall. Hope it
doesn't drop down your pretty
dress.
As the Soiled Dove jumps a little, West continues over to
the study door. Now the Soiled Dove turns, and we see
the scared/confused expression. Maybe it's because she
is not Artemus.
ANGLE - GORDON - ACROSS ROOM
He's the mountain man in the fringe jacket. And right
now he's shaking his head as he watches West resort to a
decidedly low-tech surveillance method of Loveless's
study.
GORDON
Peeking through the keyhole...?
So 18th Century.
58 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - WEST'S POV THROUGH 58
KEYHOLE - NIGHT
McGrath paces in front of Loveless's desk.
McGRATH
Dr. Loveless, my men are ready to
go to war with no weapons to
fight. Ever since the nitro and
the guns were destroyed at Fat-
Can's, lice and demoralization
have set in!
LOVELESS
Your men will have their weapons
tonight. And my promise that they
will be part of the greatest
military victory of this century!
McGrath's face relaxes into a pyorrheic grin.
McGRATH
Oh, you're a pip, sir! I'd follow
you into the maw of Cerberus
himself!
Loveless takes pencil in hand and draws a map on the
desk.
(CONTINUED)
41.
58 CONTINUED: 58
LOVELESS
And so you shall.
(makes an X)
Have your men here at... 10
o'clock tonight.
Loveless wheels his chair toward the door with McGrath
behind him folding up the map...
59 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - OUTSIDE STUDY - WEST - NIGHT 59
ducks out of the way as Loveless and McGrath emerge from
the study. As they disappear into the throng of well-
wishers, West takes a thin lock-pick out of his hat band.
It takes him a moment or two, but the LOCK finally
CLICKS. Then West slips inside, apparently undetected --
except by an unimpressed Gordon.
60 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - WEST - NIGHT 60
moves quickly to the desk past walls filled with oil
portraits of various Loveless relatives. The one behind
the desk is in the style of Gainsborough. A Loveless
uncle is standing on a windswept grouse moor, two English
setters by his side, a Holland and Holland double held in
the crook of his arm.
West turns his attention to the desk blotter. There's a
faint imprint where Loveless drew the map. West takes
his penknife and a pencil -- grates some graphite into
the depressions. He's just about to do a rubbing on a
piece of paper when... someone swipes it out of his hand.
ANGLE ON MISS EAST
Hands on hips, she gives him a "naughty, naughty" look.
MISS EAST
I said to meet me in the foyer.
WEST
Oh, the foy-aay. Sorry, I've
never been much good at French.
But instead of scolding him further, Miss East plants an
over-heated kiss on him. Tongues are involved. As they
break, she gives a little nod of approval.
MISS EAST
Au contraire...
(CONTINUED)
42.
60 CONTINUED: 60
She pushes him down into Dr. Loveless's chair.
MISS EAST
So let's see, Mr. West... are you
a dangerous spy of some sort? Or
just a handsome cowboy who likes
to... poke around.
WEST
Um... that second one.
She starts to undo the buttons of his trousers. But
West has a job to do. Well, maybe he can do two jobs at
once...
61 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - PARTY - GORDON - SAME TIME - 61
NIGHT
is being the perfect party guest, moving through the
crowd chit-chatting with this person and that (in
French, Spanish, German) when he sees something of
interest.
Munitia and Lippenreider come out of an upstairs bedroom,
lock it behind them. Hmmm. What's in there? As he
starts upstairs, Amazonia appears, blocking his way.
GORDON
Howdy there... big sturdy gal.
Yer dance card full?
Amazonia stares at him, then spiels off a couple lines
in a foreign language that makes Gordon's eyes widen.
He understands what she said and it's not flattering.
Gordon moves off in a shock.
62 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - WEST AND EAST - NIGHT 62
are locked in a passionate embrace. West manages to
position her nearly-naked rear end over the graphite
powder. Very carefully, he stands, pushing her buttocks
onto the desk and then rolling her off. The imprint on
her left cheek is perfect. But unfortunately, it's
backwards!
CLOSE - WEST
Damn. He lets Miss East concentrate on what she's doing,
which from the SOUNDS O.S., doesn't appear to be a
demonstration of the correct way to butter corn.
(CONTINUED)
43.
62 CONTINUED: 62
West spies a mirror on the other side of the room and
raises her ass up into position so he can see the
corrected reflection.
ANGLE ON MIRROR - MAP
COMES INTO VIEW. It clearly shows the meeting place to
be Malheureux Point, northeast of New Orleans. But the
mirror reflects something else of interest...
63 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - PAINTING - NIGHT 63
The painting behind him has come to life. The Loveless
in the painting swings a real shotgun around and is
pointing it at the back of West's head.
CLOSE - WEST
suddenly contorts his upper torso just as an EXPLOSION
rips the back of the chair where his head would have
been.
He draws and SHOOTS the would-be assassin, who falls out
of the painting, dead. West turns to see...
ANGLE ON MISS EAST
A surprised look on her face. A hole in her forehead.
He lowers her head gently to the ground, regards her
map-imprinted rear end.
WEST
Thanks for helpin' me get to the
bottom of this case.
64 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - OUTSIDE STUDY - WEST - NIGHT 64
emerges just as a Kentucky reel starts up. He weaves his
way through the dance floor and spots the Soiled Dove
look-alike out on the floor. West reluctantly
straightens his shoulders and cuts in. This bold move
gets some looks of disapproval from the pecan pie crowd.
ANGLE ON WEST AND SOILED DOVE RINGER
dancing. Both look straight ahead, not at each other.
West so as not to attract any more attention. His partner
because she's scared shitless of this strange Negro who
keeps hounding her.
(CONTINUED)
44.
64 CONTINUED: 64
WEST
Real impressed the way you got the
dance floor staked out. Maybe one
of your missin' scientists'll cut
in.
(dip)
Thought you should know that while
you were trying to decide what
shoes to wear tonight...
(twirl)
I found that our host, Dr.
Loveless...
West looks over to where Loveless is leading a contingent
of foreigners out a side exit.
WEST
... is meeting McGrath and his
troops at Malheureux Point in an
hour.
(bends her back)
So you enjoy the party. I'm gonna
go save the Republic.
The Soiled Dove look-alike is speechless. Before he
goes, West leans in, smirks.
WEST
But I will say, good work on your
bladders tonight... they're damn
perky.
And just to dig the grave deeper, West lays hands on them
and gives them a little squeeze. This immediately
elicits a scream and a slap in the face that shocks the
bejesus out of the black cowboy. And he's not the only
one.
ANGLE ON CROWD
staring at him. We know what they're thinking, but the
Mountain Man behind West says it for everyone.
GORDON/MOUNTAIN MAN
Hang him!
And with that, Gordon opens his deerskin jacket to reveal
his own rope, which he throws to the mob. West looks
back at the character in amazement. That's Gordon?!
Before West can say or do anything, guns are at his
temple, and he's swept out of the room.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 45.
64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
Gordon calmly straightens his coonskin cap, seemingly
uninterested in West's imminent hanging. In the hubbub
of everyone rushing out for the hanging, Gordon heads up
the unguarded stairs to the locked room.
As he pulls out his high tech auto-wind lock-pick and
quickly gains entrance to the door...
65 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - COURTYARD - NIGHT 65
Hand-held torches illuminate. The rope is tossed over a
lamp post. PAN DOWN TO where one of the mob, dressed as
GEORGE WASHINGTON, is binding West's hands behind his
back.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Looks like we're gonna have to
teach y'all a little lesson on how
to behave in polite society.
WEST
Don't grab a white lady's boobies
at the big redneck dance. Is that
the lesson? Well, I learned it.
Don't scratch your head with the
shrimp fork. I got that one too.
So whaddaya say we call this off?
66 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - GORDON - 66
NIGHT
eases in, stops at what he sees. And it sure ain't
scientists. Beside the bed, locked in an iron disco-like
cage, is Rita, still wearing her scanty outfit. Gordon
squints at her, gives a charming smile.
GORDON
I feel as if we know each other
from someplace...?
RITA
Try again, buster...!
She takes a breath as if she's going to start screaming.
Gordon quickly holds up a hand.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 46.
66 CONTINUED: 66
GORDON
Ma'am, please! While I realize I
look like something straight out
of James Fenimore Cooper... I mean
you no harm. My name is Artemus
Gordon. And you look like you're
in trouble.
RITA
(dryly)
Really?
To Rita's amazement, Gordon opens his jacket and
unbuttons his vest to reveal... a complete miniature tool
shop. Quickly he pulls out a thin cable and attaches it
to a tiny wheel on the spur of one of his boots.
RITA
I'm Rita. I was hired here as an
entertainer. Not that I'm
complaining, but what are you
doin' in here?
GORDON
(looking up miles
of leg)
Looking for some missing
scientists... not that I'm
complaining.
Gordon unsnaps the sole of his shoe. It becomes a pedal
that operates the wheels' rotation. Now he removes a bit
and handle from his vest and attaches the cable. Starts
to pump his foot. It's a foot-powered drill.
GORDON
I'm a special U.S. Marshal on
assignment from the President.
RITA
(almost impressed)
If you're so special, how come
you're lookin' up here when
Loveless has 'em all workin' down
in the dungeon?
(rattles bars
impatiently)
Get me out of here and I'll take
you down there.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 47.
66 CONTINUED: (2) 66
GORDON
Too late. The 'dungeon' is
cleaned out. It was the first
place I checked, right after I
sampled the gumbo. Bit heavy on
the okra.
But Rita isn't listening to the food review. Her mind's
racing. Finally, the LOCK CLICKS and the cage door
swings open. Gordon takes the distressed damsel in his
arms, lifts her out.
RITA
(suddenly a coquettish
smile)
Thank you... Artemus, was it?
GORDON
One doesn't forget a smile like
that. Now where in the world was
it...? Have you ever played the
Empire Room... the Bijou Cafe
perhaps...?
67 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - COURTYARD - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 67
West is lifted onto the back of a wagon. With the noose
dangling in front of his nose, West addresses the crowd.
WEST
Can I have everyone's attention
please. I think we've had a
series of major misunderstandings
and I'd like to take a moment to
clear them up. First, the whole
drumming on the boobies thing.
In my native land, Africa, my
ancestors used drums to
communicate between villages. I'm
sure y'all can see that this young
girl here can communicate all the
way down to Baton Rouge. Hell, on
a clear day, we might even get
Galveston. All I was saying was,
'How're you doing,' 'My name's Jim,'
'How's your mama?'
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 47A.
67 CONTINUED: (A1) 67
WEST (CONT'D)
Second misunderstanding. That
redneck comment. I'm getting the
sense that some of you took that
negatively. You know, some of my
best friends are whiskey-guzzling,
pot-bellied rednecks just like
y'all here.
(then)
That slavery thing, I don't see
what the big deal was. Hell, who
wouldn't want somebody to run
around for them doing chores. Are
you going to get your big, fat,
lazy ass out of bed every morning
and pick your own damn cotton.
I don't think so.
(then)
Let's head on inside and knock back
some shine. Come on, back inside.
No. Okay.
(to Soiled Dove)
I stand before you as a man who
realizes he has done something
wrong and I am prepared to do the
right thing. Will you marry me?
Soiled Dove gasps.
WEST
I'll take that as a no. Darling,
would it help at all if I said I
thought you were a man?
The CAMERA FINDS the Soiled Dove. She faints.
BACK TO SCENE
WEST
Guess not.
As West searches desperately for signs of rescue by his
"partner," suddenly the wagon lurches forward...
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Hang him!
(CONTINUED)
48.
67 CONTINUED: 67
NEW ANGLE - WEST'S FEET
As they plummet toward the ground.
CLOSE - WEST'S NECK
The rope catches... and stretches!
CLOSE - WEST'S FEET
As they slowly touch the ground.
Nobody is more confused than West.
ANGLE ON CROWD
How the fuck did that happen? But before anybody can
figure out Gordon's trick rope, speak of the devil...
GORDON (O.S.)
Hey-yaa!!!
The crowd turns with alarm to see...
ANGLE ON TEAM OF CHARGING HORSES
Nostrils flared and wild-eyed, are having their rumps
snapped by Gordon's reins. Rita holds on for dear life
as the mad Mountain Man drives the carriage at full speed
right into the crowd -- scattering them.
ANGLE ON WEST
He sees his opportunity for rescue, puts a foot into the
back of George Washington, grabs his gun, and somersaults
into the air...
ANGLE ON GORDON AND CARRIAGE - WEST
lands squarely in the back. And just as the rope starts
to stretch around his neck again, Gordon whirls around
with a Bowie knife and cuts it.
68 EXT. NEW ORLEANS STREET NEAR MANSION - MOVING WAGON - 68
NIGHT
West leans into Gordon's ear.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 49.
68 CONTINUED: 68
WEST
Hang 'm...!
Suddenly, there's a VOLLEY of SHOTS from some cracker
sharpshooters. West responds with an amazing display of
RAPID-FIRE marksmanship, picking off half a dozen of
Loveless's shooters, even while the carriage bumps wildly
on its getaway. BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!
WEST
(still pissed,
to Gordon)
Hang'm!?!
GORDON
(to Rita)
Meet my trigger-happy partner,
James West... who doesn't seem to
realize that my carefully planned
diversion gave me the opportunity
to search for the missing
scientists.
Now West notices the half-dressed bombshell in the
carriage.
WEST
Scientist, huh.
GORDON
This is Rita. I found her locked
in a cage in Loveless's bedroom.
She's an entertainer.
RITA
Um, maybe I haven't been quite
honest about that... My name is
Rita Escobar. I came to find
Guillermo Escobar, the scientist,
my... father.
Gordon's eyes pop.
GORDON
Professor Escobar?! He was the
one I almost rescued that night
when...
(lightbulb)
That's where I know you from!
Fat-Can Candy's... you sang before
I did.
RITA
Excuse me?
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 50.
68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
GORDON
That was me. Burgundy dress with
the bustle...
Gordon starts singing the song... West rolls his eyes,
cuts off the chit-chat.
WEST
Look, Rita, I'm sorry you had the
wrong agent working on your case.
When I find your father I promise
I'll send him back safely...
And with that... West suddenly leaps over Rita -- lands
on the back of one of the horses. He grabs a handful of
mane, leans over and unclips the harness. And with a
kick in the ribs, West is off at a gallop -- leaving
Gordon, one remaining horse and an awed Rita behind to
chew his dust.
RITA
He's impulsive, James.
69 EXT. OFFSHORE - LOVELESS BOAT - NIGHT 69
Dr. Loveless and his visiting foreign dignitaries are
sipping champagne. One of them is holding a little DOG
in his arms, BARKING at something in the dark. General
McGrath stands at the railing, uncharacteristically
pensive. Loveless rolls over, hands him a glass of
champagne.
LOVELESS
Well, General, it's been a long
journey from New Liberty.
McGrath visibly winces at the sound of it.
McGRATH
Sir, there isn't a day that passes
that I don't contemplate it.
LOVELESS
Yes, and so do I. So do I.
(reflexively reaches
for missing legs)
If I'd only had the scientific
understanding of gunpowder and
primers that I have today...
(CONTINUED)
51.
69 CONTINUED: 69
McGRATH
That's not what I meant.
Loveless looks at him, puzzled, then gets it.
LOVELESS
Oh, you mean the stomach-churning
carnage that earned you your
unfortunate nom de guerre...
Loveless speaks for the benefit of the others.
LOVELESS
What was that nickname again?
McGRATH
(reluctantly)
'Bloodbath' McGrath... the Butcher
of New Liberty.'
70 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - MARSH - NIGHT 70
A reb battalion waits in a foggy meadow that slopes down
to marsh. Beyond that is the Gulf of Mexico. We
recognize one of the REBS from the cathouse. He opens
his pocket watch.
REB #1
They oughta be here by now.
REB #2
Maybe we're in the wrong place.
REB #1
(rechecks map)
No, we're supposed to wait 'xactly
on this here spot.
Suddenly they hear a CLANKING and SCREECHING coming from
the marsh. They ready their arms and get in defensive
positions. What they can't see through the fog is...
ANGLE - MARSH - ARMORED TANK
amphibiously sludges up through the mud and reeds,
passing by the dumbstruck soldiers as it heads to the
center of the field. The contraption has a large cannon
and Gatling guns bristling from several ports. The Rebs
cheer their new weapon.
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 7/1/98 52.
71 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT 71
Now a MORTAR appears through the turret and FIRES a
ROCKET that EXPLODES over the Reb soldiers, illuminating
the field. As soldiers shield their eyes from the
blinding light...
ANGLE - AERIAL SHOT - LOOKING DOWN ON FIELD
Unbeknownst to the Rebs, Loveless has mowed and stained
the field with concentric lines to give it a giant dart
board appearance.
Suddenly the TANK TURRET OPENS FIRE on them. Once over
their initial shock, the Rebs FIRE BACK with their
Springfield RIFLES. But the BULLETS PING off the tank's
impenetrable skin like goober peas.
72 EXT. OFFSHORE - LOVELESS BOAT - NIGHT 72
Lippenreider is viewing the carnage through large
binoculars on a stand.
General McGrath turns from the rail and faces Loveless,
outraged.
McGRATH
Why you sawed-off sadistic
bastard! You've betrayed us!
Loveless turns to him, cocks his head.
LOVELESS
My dear General, after donating
half my physical being creating a
weapon capable of doing this...
how did you and General Lee repay
my loyalty? You surrendered at
Appomattox! So, who betrayed whom?
Loveless turns to Munitia holding a steno pad.
LOVELESS
Munitia, make note. Turret speed
needs to be accelerated!
MUNITIA
(to Amazonia)
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8!
Amazonia pushes a sick dignitary away from the rail so
she can get a sight line to the tank with her lantern
semaphore. She begins flashing the new gear ratio.
(CONTINUED)
53.
72 CONTINUED: 72
AMAZONIA
A bucket for the minister, please!
Now in the b.g., we hear the GATLINGS OPEN UP.
Lippenreider is reading the lips of the tank's victims.
LIPPENREIDER
Scream. Scream. My head. I'm
dying. Scream. Moan. Scream.
McGRATH
Loveless, I demand you give the
order to stop this slaughter now!
LOVELESS
(ignores him)
... We're going to need more
loading drills! I'm hearing too
much time between screams.
As Munitia scribbles dutifully, McGrath shoves her aside.
He pulls his pistol.
McGRATH
For the last time, give them the
order to desist!
Loveless, his back to him, is seemingly unconcerned at
having a gun barrel pressed against his skull.
LOVELESS
General, I understand your
distress. But believe me, those
men are not dying senselessly. It
is for a far greater cause than
you can imagine.
As Loveless's right index finger finds a black button on
the arm of his wheelchair...
CLOSE ANGLE - LOVELESS'S WHEELCHAIR ARM
The steel tubes that comprise the armrests are actually
shotgun barrels facing fore and aft. McGrath's finger
tightens on the trigger.
WIDER
McGRATH
Go straight to hell, sir!
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 54.
72 CONTINUED: (2) 72
LOVELESS
After you... sir.
BOOOM!!! McGrath has a very startled expression as he
looks down at the aftereffects of DOUBLE-OUGHT BUCKSHOT.
As he crumples to the deck, Loveless sniffs.
LOVELESS
Bloodbath McGrath indeed.
The dignitary's DOG starts BARKING, jumps to the deck.
It sits next to the fallen General's gramophone ear and
cocks his head. With the RCA logo invented we MOVE BACK
TO...
ANGLE ON LOVELESS
He sighs at his pale guests. They don't seem to
appreciate the efficiency of his slaughter.
LOVELESS
Well, that concludes the
festivities. Ladies, feed him to
the crabs.
Munitia and Amazonia unceremoniously dump McGrath's BODY
overboard. SPLOOSH... Loveless addresses the
dignitaries...
LOVELESS
But, my friends, that tank is just
a little ol' toy compared to what
this country's greatest scientists
are cooking up for me next. So if
I've piqued your interest, bring
1000 kilograms of your country's
gold to Spider Canyon four days
from now.
(starts to roll
off boat)
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got
a tank to catch.
CUT TO:
73 EXT. TRAIN SIDING (NEAR MALHEUREUX POINT) - NIGHT 73
A black waits ominously on the tracks. It's less a
traditional train car than a riveted, armored, turreted fortress
on wheels. Also, it currently lacks an engine.
Loveless, over his shoulder to the foreign contingent...
(CONTINUED)
55.
73 CONTINUED: 73
LOVELESS
My destination is both the
future... and the past! Forget
Paul Revere, this will be the most
revolutionary ride in the history
of America!!
He looks dotingly at the TANK, which CLATTERS up from the
battlefield on its treads... then drives onto the tracks.
Wheels drop down out of the chassis, the treads retract
up, and the TANK BACKS INTO the rest of the TRAIN.
CLANK. It's a neat modular fit. Black death on rails.
The foreigners watch with awe as...
ANGLE - LOVELESS
wheels up onto the tank/train. He drops the
expansiveness, fixes them with a viper's eye.
LOVELESS
If you don't want to miss the
ride, have the last payment of
1000 kilograms of your country's
gold in my hands no later than
Friday. That's when I make our
little proposal to President
Grant. One I'm ever so confident
he's gonna accept.
(now a jaunty wave
of his hat)
Au revoir, adios, and ta-ta!
74 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - BATTLEFIELD - STRAIGHT-DOWN 74
ANGLE - NIGHT
It's quiet. The dead men are all in the #9 or #10 ring.
Now a rider ENTERS FRAME...
75 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT 75
West slowly dismounts, transfixed by the slaughter on the
pre-fab battlefield. There's something hauntingly familiar
about all this for him -- the mangled bodies, the tread marks...
But we'll find out about that later.
West draws his weapon and begins walking through the
victims. The pace of his search quickens when he isn't
finding what he's looking for -- General McGrath.
(CONTINUED)
56.
75 CONTINUED: 75
NEW ANGLE - GORDON AND RITA
have arrived in the one-horse carriage. Gordon is trying
to recreate the crime scene. Rita trails behind him, his
coat thrown over her shoulders, trying not to gag as she
passes the mangled corpses.
GORDON
It came up out of the lake...
from the way these corpses are
positioned, laid down a 360-degree
pattern of cannon fire... then
disappeared in moments.
(puts a foot on a body,
scratches his chin)
My God, what kind of weapon is it?
Rita can't handle Gordon's clinical posturing.
RITA
Excuse me, I think I'm going to be
sick.
As she walks quickly away, West comes over, a haunted
look on his face.
WEST
It just rolls on and on. Makes a
screeching sound -- like a wounded
animal. Got a 'cabin' on top with
a cannon... swivels 'round like an
eagle's head.
GORDON
You saw it?
WEST
Heard about it. Thought it was
crazy survivors' stories.
GORDON
What survivors? There aren't any
here.
WEST
New Liberty, Illinois -- the free
slave town just over the border.
Just one week before the War ended
in '65. I was in the 9th Cavalry
that discovered it. Old men,
women, children... they used them
for target practice...
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 57.
75 CONTINUED: (2) 75
He looks out at the battlefield as if reliving it.
Gordon is sympathetic to his obvious pain -- just shuts
up. West's grim reverie is interrupted by MOANING coming
from the shoreline. They all follow the sound to find...
76 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - MARSH - NIGHT 76
General McGrath, washed up on the shore. West looks down
at him. Now Rita, still looking green around the gills,
rejoins the party.
WEST
That's when I vowed to follow
McGrath to the end of the earth.
As grey as four-day-old mullet, McGrath manages a smile
for his relentless pursuer.
McGRATH
(barely audible)
What's the matter, West? Thought
you'd be happy to find me... like
this.
WEST
I was hoping to kill you myself.
RITA
That's a nice way to talk to
people.
McGRATH
You'll have to live with it... As
I've lived with the blame for New
Liberty.
McGrath fades out. West grabs him and shakes him.
WEST
What do you mean?
McGRATH
(opens eyes)
It was Loveless... his plan. He
operated the killing machine
there. Smarter now... left it to
others here.
With the meaning of it all sinking in, West grabs McGrath
by the collar and pulls him toward him.
WEST
Where is he? Where did he go?!
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 58.
76 CONTINUED: 76
The General tries to speak. West puts his ear to the
General's mouth. But before he can say it, McGrath
closes his eyes for the last time.
West's shoulders sag. Then from behind...
RITA (O.S.)
Well, I know that.
West turns to her... well?
RITA
I'll tell you if you take me
along.
WEST
(in no mood)
Just tell me.
RITA
The girls at the mansion. They
talk.
(imitating a la
Lippenreider)
'I vonder if my hair vill get
frissy in ze desert...? Vhere is
diss Ooo-tah anyvay?'
As West and Gordon turn to one another in alarm...
WEST/GORDON
Ooo-tah?!
77 EXT. TRAIN SIDING (NEW ORLEANS) - NIGHT 77
West and Gordon climb up onto the Wanderer and enter...
78 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - ENGINE STOPPED - NIGHT 78
West and Gordon burst in, surprising Coleman, who's got
his feet up, perusing the Playboy of the day -- a mail
order catalogue.
WEST
Coleman... let's go! Full speed
ahead!
West snatches the catalogue out of his hands, does a take
at the pictures of chunky models in bloomers.
COLEMAN
Aye, sir!
(CONTINUED)
59.
78 CONTINUED: 78
As Coleman quickly exits, Gordon looks out the window,
onto the platform.
GORDON
(wistful)
I don't see why we couldn't have
given her a ride back home to
Texas. It is on the way...
WEST
On the way to Utah where our
President happens to be. Maybe we
oughta be worryin' about that
little coincidence!
As the ENGINE ROARS to life...
79 EXT. TRAIN SIDING (NEW ORLEANS) - POV SHOT FROM 79
WANDERER - NIGHT
Rita gives a forlorn little wave as the TRAIN CHUGS away.
80 INT. WANDERER - ENGINE CAR - NIGHT 80
GORDON
We wouldn't have known where
Loveless was going if it wasn't
for her. Seems a bit ungracious.
Possibly perilous.
WEST
Look, all that would happen would
be she'd get in our way and I'd
probably wind up gettin' in the
saddle with her.
GORDON
Funny that you say that. Because
I thought she was more interested
in me.
81 EXT. TRAIN SIDING (NEW ORLEANS) - NIGHT 81
Rita disappears from view in a cloud of steam...
82 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - NIGHT 82
West has every weapon on the train out for cleaning and
loading. Gordon is in the galley where he continues
his conversation with West while preparing dinner.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 60.
82 CONTINUED: 82
GORDON (O.S.)
(from gallery)
You know, I've been trying to
place myself in Loveless's
shoes...
WEST
Good luck on that one.
GORDON
(weakly)
Ha, ha, ha... You know, I can't
imagine what Loveless -- a man
without any reproductive organs
could possibly want with Rita.
Suddenly there's a WHOOSH and Rita falls through the
ceiling and plops in the chair just like West did
earlier. He instinctively pulls his gun. Puts it
away as Gordon muses about her anatomy.
GORDON (O.S.)
(not realizing she's
there)
Not that Rita doesn't have a
figure that would inspire a
Botticelli... or a Raphael.
Rita raises an eyebrow, looks to the galley as Gordon
comes out with a platter of food. He still doesn't
see her there.
GORDON
... especially her breasts. Did
you notice the way one of them...
(cups his hands)
Both of them actually... to say
nothing of her buttocks...
Gordon turns and looks into the car. Finally sees her.
Changes gears without missing a beat.
GORDON
... and the group of foreign
ministers at Loveless's party...
What were they doing there?
Gordon gestures for West to join him at the pool table.
Rita immediately goes for the food.
(CONTINUED)
61.
82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
GORDON
(using pool balls)
Here's France, Spain and
Britain...
(sotto voce)
How long has she been here?
WEST
Since the first breast.
Gordon turns to her, exasperated with himself.
GORDON
I am so embarrassed.
WEST
I'll spare you.
(to Rita)
Make yourself a sandwich to take
with you. You're getting off.
83 OMITTED 83
& &
84 84
85 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - NIGHT 85
Rita hasn't even waited for anyone's approval to start
eating. West shakes his head at her chutzpa.
RITA
But... I can help you.
WEST
How could you possibly help us?
RITA
Well, I heard you talking about
why all those foreign guys were
at Loveless's party...? You
want me to tell you?
GORDON
By all means.
She uses the time to get another bite into her mouth.
RITA
(to Gordon, chewing)
This is fantastic. You can cut it
with a fork! How'd you cook it?
(CONTINUED)
62.
85 CONTINUED: 85
GORDON
(someone appreciates
him)
Well, in a daubiere... a clay pot.
A French method which...
West cuts off the chit-chat.
WEST
What about the foreign guys?!
RITA
They were mad about something,
you know? Something about a
real bad deal in Louisiana on
purpose.
GORDON
The Louisiana Purchase?
RITA
And Queen somebody-somebody of
France got swindled.
GORDON
Queen Isabella of Spain.
West rolls his eyes.
WEST
Gordon, this is crazy. She
doesn't know what she's talking
about!
West picks up the speaker horn and calls Coleman.
WEST
(into speaker horn)
Coleman, stop the train! Miss
Escobar's getting off.
COLEMAN (V.O.)
(over pipe)
Who the hell's Miss Escobar?
RITA
(grabs horn)
I'm a frightened, starving, half-
naked young woman who only wants
to find her father!
COLEMAN (V.O.)
(over pipe)
Half-naked?
(CONTINUED)
63.
85 CONTINUED: (2) 85
WEST
(grabs it back)
Coleman... stop the train.
COLEMAN (V.O.)
(over pipe)
We're not puttin' anybody off.
Not out here in the middle of
nowhere.
West looks out the window. Nothing but sagebrush and
animal skulls out there. Rita comes up close to Jim,
fire in her big, brown eyes.
RITA
Please, Jim. My father's the only
family I've got. What am I
supposed to do? Sit home and wait
for news he's been killed? Or go
do something! What would you do,
Jim?!
That gets the man of action where he lives.
WEST
Look, I got nothing against you,
Rita. It's just that... What's
going to happen when we catch up
to Loveless... with you on the
train?
She grabs West's hand.
RITA
I know you'd never let him take me
back. I've seen you shoot.
West kinda melts a little. This girl does have her
charms. Gordon, a little jealous, puffs his chest out.
GORDON
I assure you, Rita, an attack by
Loveless would be an exercise in
futility.
(stands for tour)
... Allow me to demonstrate how my
design suggestions have made the
Wanderer impervious to attack.
West draws his guns, twirls them and reholsters.
WEST
I'm the impervious part.
(CONTINUED)
64.
85 CONTINUED: (3) 85
GORDON
Hardly. Completely armor-
plated...
Artemus raps his knuckles on the wall making a METALLIC
sound. Then he smugly demonstrates that the light
fixture is actually a Gatling gun.
GORDON
An attacker would find the
lighting inside extremely...
unflattering.
Finally he moves to the billiard table, while Rita nods
... and keeps eating.
GORDON
And if, by some inconceivable
fluke, they did manage to gain
entrance...
(rolls billiard ball
into bumper)
An innocent billiard ball this
way.
(picks it up,
presses the number)
But depress the number... a
sleeping gas bomb. Effective in
under three seconds.
Gordon unclicks it, triumphantly rolls it into a pocket.
GORDON
So rest assured, Rita... you are
completely safe within these
walls.
West snorts at his obvious play for Rita's attentions.
WEST
I don't know about you, ma'am, but
I know I'll be sleeping a whole
lot better tonight...
(yawns)
... assuming Loveless barges in
here and feels like a game of
pool.
RITA
Speaking of sleeping, I'm pretty
tired. Artemus, do you think I
could borrow something to wear?
West jumps in before Gordon can answer.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 65.
85 CONTINUED: (4) 85
WEST
I've got somethin' you might use.
It ain't stylish, but it's
practical...
86 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - NIGHT 86
West and Gordon have bunked down on opposite couches,
both deep in thought.
WEST
Loveless kidnapped two chemists,
that means there's gonna be
explosives. He's got a metallurgist,
so there's gonna be heavy armor.
And he's got Rita's father, who --
according to you -- is the world's
foremost specialist in hydraulics.
Which means, whatever it is... it's
gonna move.
West sits up.
WEST
So what, is he building that's
gonna make the President fall to
his knees and surrender the country?
GORDON
A bedside heater.
WEST
What?
GORDON
Rita. She needs a bedside heater.
I mean, it gets cold in there, you
know, with the stained glass window
right over the --
ANGLE - COLEMAN
opens and Rita emerges from the state room...
(INSERT RITA'S BUTT HERE)
Rita leaves...
GORDON
Such a pleasant girl. A real
breath of fresh ass.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 66.
86 CONTINUED: 86
WEST
You said ass.
GORDON
Did I? No...
CUT TO:
87 OMITTED 87
88 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 88
Gordon and West react as Coleman's voice booms out of
the pipe.
COLEMAN (V.O.)
(over pipe)
We have Loveless, gentlemen!
Seven hundred yards and closing!
As they scramble for boots, weapons, Rita comes out of her
room.
RITA
What's going on?
Gordon ushers her to the back.
GORDON
Stay back here, take cover!
Meanwhile, West pulls on his boot. When he stands on it,
a three-inch STILETTO SNAPS out of the toe.
WEST
What the hell is this?
GORDON
I took the liberty of installing
it while you were sleeping.
West looks at him incredulously.
WEST
Leave my stuff alone!
67.
89 EXT. MOUNTAIN TUNNEL - TRACKS - TRAIN CHASE - DAY 89
Loveless's TANK/TRAIN CHUGS into a mountain tunnel. The
Wanderer is just behind it... and goes into the tunnel
seconds later.
90 EXT. OTHER SIDE OF TUNNEL - TRACKS - TRAIN CHASE - DAY 90
The Wanderer BLASTS out of the tunnel. (In the f.g. we
might notice a metal post that extends up OUT OF FRAME.)
91 INT. WANDERER - ENGINE - DAY 91
Coleman squints ahead. He sees the tracks up ahead are
empty. No Loveless.
COLEMAN
Am I missin' somethin' here...?
92 EXT. TRACKS - LOVELESS'S TRAIN - TRAIN CHASE - DAY 92
Up on metal stilts. It lets the Wanderer pass underneath
it. Then it lowers itself back down onto the tracks.
The legs fold to the side, and the tank/train pursues its
pursuers.
93 INT. LOVELESS'S TRAIN - DAY 93
Loveless turns to his three distaff warriors.
LOVELESS
Amazonia, shall we disabuse our
friends of the notion that one's
problems are solved when we see
the light at the end of the
tunnel!
As Munitia swivels the cannon barrel...
94 OMITTED 94
thru thru
97 97
98 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 98
West and Gordon are about to head forward when Gordon
glances out the back, grabs West.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 68.
98 CONTINUED: 98
GORDON
Jim, we're the ones chasing
Loveless, correct?
(as West shoots
him a look)
Then perhaps you could explain
what they're doing behind us.
As West looks out the back too... KA-BOOM!! A SHELL
EXPLODES just to the right of them. Now ANOTHER
EXPLOSION to the left of them. The Wanderer rocks
precariously from wheel to wheel, throwing a screaming
Rita back and forth between West and Gordon.
WEST
They couldn't fire the cannon at
us from in front. Any other
questions?
99 OMITTED 99
100 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 100
West jumps up on the pool table.
WEST
Would it put you out too much to
throw me a rope and hit your
little secret button?
With a shrug, Gordon tosses West a rope and hits the
same hidden button he had during their fight. Whoosh!
West is gone as the pool table flips over. As Rita
covers her mouth in amazement...
GORDON
I taught him how it worked.
101 EXT. UNDER WANDERER - DAY 101
West hanging upside-down. He hand-over-hands himself
back to the escape trolley. He slides his back on top of
it -- then lowers it onto the track.
Little wheels fit on the inside of the track. Once
coupled, West releases the cable and he shoots backwards
-- OUT OF FRAME.
102 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 102
Gordon opens a panel in the floor and snaps up a winch
with a large handle. He starts to crank it, slowly
letting out cable.
69.
103 EXT. TRACKS - TRAIN CHASE - POV FROM BACK OF MOVING 103
WANDERER - DAY
Out the back door, we see West emerge from under the
Wanderer heading for Loveless's tank/train.
104 INSERT 104
Suddenly there's a PING! BONG! PING! POP! The TEETH
of the GEARS can't take the pressure and they're flying
off the WINCH.
105 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 105
Gordon, realizing another invention of his needs some
tweaking, snaps out his pen and pad. As he scribbles a
note, Rita considers the exotic pen holder.
RITA
You know you could put a gun on
that thing.
Gordon looks up at her disapprovingly... not you too?
Meanwhile, on the tracks...
106 EXT. TRACKS - TRAIN CHASE - WEST ON TROLLEY - DAY 106
Off his wire tether, he flies backwards at 80 mph.
107 EXT. TRACKS - TRAIN CHASE - POV FROM BACK OF MOVING 107
WANDERER - DAY
It looks like his head's about to be smashed by
Loveless's tank/train.
108 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 108
Rita turns away, buries her head in Gordon's shoulder
just as...
109 EXT. TRACKS - TRAIN CHASE - DAY 109
West slides under the train! He lies flat as the death
MACHINE ROARS over him. At the last second, he lassos
the rope around the rear axle. It slows him for a
beat... then stretches. He's gotten Gordon's trick rope.
We see his silent scream -- "Artemus!" He slides way
behind the tank/train, then springs back... past the
tank/train. Finally, West slides back underneath and
manages to grab hold of their caboose. He swings his
legs up, pulls himself around onto the step.
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 70.
110 EXT. LOVELESS'S TRAIN - ROOF - MOVING - DAY 110
West makes his way forward to the smokestack. He tries
to flip the flue closed, steam scalding his hands. He
doesn't see Hudson come at him from behind. He wraps a
garrote around West's neck, pulls it tight -- practically
crushing his larynx...
111 INT. LOVELESS'S TRAIN - ENGINE - DAY 111
Munitia is bent over, has her eye to the cannon sight.
As she squints through the smoke at the Wanderer up ahead,
Loveless, sitting behind her, has his full attention
focused on her tuchus.
MUNITIA
I have them square in my sights,
sire.
LOVELESS
(distracted)
As do I, Munitia... as do I.
(looks up, wry smile)
Fire away!
But it's a little difficult with him stroking her
buttocks. BOOM! The CANNON FIRES...
112 OMITTED 112
113 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 113
Gordon and Rita are looking out the back when they see
the latest missile headed their way. Gordon pulls Rita
down at the last second as a huge steel arrow shoots
through the door, past their heads... and into the parlor
wall.
As metal barbs flick out, locking the tip in, and the
steel chain it's attached to draws tight...
114 EXT. LOVELESS'S TRAIN - ROOF - MOVING - DAY 114
West and Hudson roll around precariously. West claws
desperately at the garrote. It looks grim for our hero
until he knocks his boot heels together. CLICK... his
STILETTO BLADE appears.
Summoning his last ounce of strength, he mule-kicks...
sinking the blade into Hudson's leg. West grabs him and
shoves him head first into the smokestack. The big
Indian plugs it up like a cork in a bottle.
71.
115 INT. LOVELESS'S TRAIN - ENGINE - DAY 115
Loveless has only a moment to gloat over his marksmanship
before the compartment begins filling with smoke.
Choking clouds that send Loveless et al into coughing
fits.
LOVELESS
Close the fire door!
Just in time, Amazonia swings it shut as the unvented
BOILER EXPLODES, sending a FIREBALL ripping through the
back of the train, destroying it. Up ahead...
116 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 116
Gordon and Rita are thrown across the car, along with
everything else inside, as Loveless's train's sudden
stop... jerks them with it. The SCREECH of STEEL WHEELS
SCRAPING on IRON RAILS is sickening. They clutch onto
one another... as the Wanderer skids to a stop.
As they pick themselves up, Gordon looks to Rita who's
shaken up and scared. Now FOOTSTEPS coming up the
stairs.
RITA
I won't let Loveless take me
again! I'd rather be dead!
GORDON
(recalling West's
words)
That's not a good one to wish for.
To defend herself, Rita grabs one of the sleeping-gas
pool balls rolling around on the ground. Gordon leads
her into the stateroom to lock her in, but she grabs his
hand.
RITA
Please, Artemus, don't leave me
alone!
Rita closes the door behind him and locks it.
117 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - STATEROOM - DAY 117
Gordon and Rita on the bed. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. Gordon
gestures to be still. The door handle jiggles. Rita gets
ready to arm the POOL BALL.
(CONTINUED)
72.
117 CONTINUED: 117
WEST (O.S.)
(hoarsely, not
sounding like him)
It's me, Jim. Open up!
RITA
It's a trick, I know Loveless.
CLICK, she pushes the number. Gordon makes a grab for
it.
GORDON
Rita, no! It's just...
CLUNK... she drops it to the floor.
ANGLE - WEST
standing in the doorway. He rubs a raw welt on his neck
from the garrote, smirks when he sees Gordon on the bed
with Rita. But his smirk drops when he sees the pool
ball roll between his feet -- spewing a purple cloud of
sleeping gas.
West gives Gordon a Wile E. Coyote look, croaks...
WEST
Too damn late, is what it is.
118 EXT. CORNFIELD - DAY 118
A sea of corn tassels waving in the wind. Loveless's
destroyed train is in the b.g. The CAMERA TILTS DOWN to
find...
ANGLE ON WEST AND GORDON
lying on the ground with their BACKS TO us. They stir.
West props himself up, looks over at Gordon, who has just
regained consciousness.
WEST
(mimicking him)
An innocent billiard ball this
way, but depress the number and on
impact... a sleeping-gas bomb.
West shakes his head disparagingly and stands. He feels
the metal band around his neck and surveys the 18-inch
wire fence which has been laid around them in a circle.
West is about to step over it. Gordon grabs his leg.
(CONTINUED)
73.
118 CONTINUED: 118
GORDON
Don't move!
119 EXT. WANDERER - BACK PLATFORM - DAY 119
Loveless is sitting in his wheelchair, fifty yards from
West and Gordon. On Loveless's elbow sits Miss
Lippenreider. She looks through binoculars and lip reads
West and Gordon.
LOVELESS
Continue, Miss Lippenreider...
MISS LIPPENREIDER
(doing both voices
in a monotone)
West. Let go of my leg! Gordon.
Listen to me. Loveless collared
us with the same metal device we
found on Morton.
Loveless turns to Munitia, who is loading two 36-inch-
diameter metal discs into what looks like a CD
changer/clay-pigeon-thrower.
LOVELESS
Oh, Munitia... I hope we're not
going to leave evidence behind
like we did last time.
MUNITIA
Nitro this time, sire.
As she arms the device, and a red light comes on...
LOVELESS
(through megaphone)
Good morning, gentlemen! I trust
you slept well.
120 EXT. CORNFIELD - PERIMETER - DAY 120
West and Gordon squint through the corn, see Loveless on
their train.
GORDON
What have you done with Rita?
(CONTINUED)
74.
120 CONTINUED: 120
LOVELESS
Rita, is it? How familiar! Rita
is sleeping off the after-effects
in the stateroom.
(looks toward bedroom)
Quite lovely, isn't she? Who
knows... I might even become
'familiar' with her myself.
Gordon takes a step. West stops him.
WEST
And that would become one more
reason why I'm going to kill you.
LOVELESS
Yes, Mr. West, I'm sure a well-
endowed blackamoor like yourself
must find it absolutely
impossible... that a freak like me
could fully enjoy the pleasure of
a woman. But having witnessed my
use of mechinology so far...
wouldn't you think I could provide
myself with something for the
lower half of my body that was
hard-pumping and indefatigably
steely?
Loveless looks O.S.
LOVELESS
... And speaking of 'hard
pumping...' Mr. Coleman, full
steam ahead!
121 EXT. WANDERER - ENGINE ROOM - COLEMAN - DAY 121
In the engine room. Amazonia has a gun to his head.
122 EXT. WANDERER (STARTING TO MOVE) - DAY 122
Loveless takes his last shot at them from the back.
LOVELESS
What a marvelous train! You don't
mind if I borrow it, do you,
gentlemen?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
75.
122 CONTINUED: 122
LOVELESS (CONT'D)
Other than a lack of wheelchair
access, I find it a most
comfortable way to pass the long
miles from here to my laboratory
in Spider Canyon...
(louder, as they
move off)
I'll be seeing President Grant
soon at Promontory Point. What
shall I tell him for you? I'm
afraid it can't be that you're
alive and well...
And as his maniacal giggle hangs in the air...
123 EXT. CORNFIELD - PERIMETER - GORDON AND WEST - DAY 123
frustrated, as the train pulls away from them. West tugs
at the metal collar around his neck.
WEST
Gordon, get out your little tool
kit and get this damn thing off of
me!
Gordon unbuttons his shirt to reveal his leather tool
kit... empty except for a note. Gordon opens it and
reads.
GORDON
'Gentlemen, welcome to the
Loveless Experimental Camp for
Political Dissidents. There are
no guards. No barbed wire. As
long as you stay within the
designated perimeter, you will
stay alive.'
124 EXT. CORNFIELD - WANDERER - MOVING - BACK PLATFORM - DAY 124
Miss Lippenreider is still eavesdropping for Loveless,
through binos.
MISS LIPPENREIDER
West. How do you know it's not
just bullshit? Gordon. Step over
the fence and find out. Rita and
I will put flowers on your grave
every year.
76.
125 EXT. CORNFIELD - PERIMETER - WEST - DAY 125
stands next to the little fence, watching Loveless
escape.
WEST
I don't have time for this.
GORDON
Wait, I have an auxiliary tool
kit!
Gordon peels back the top of his boot revealing it. But
it's too late. West has jumped over the fence. Then he
hops back inside it. He holds his hands out to Gordon.
WEST
See? Nothing happened.
West grabs Gordon by the back of his vest and yanks him
over the fence. Now they hear a slight BUZZING in the
air and it's not a bee.
NEW ANGLE - DISC
comes whipping over the corn straight for West's head.
In a split second, he ducks and the disc cuts the tops of
the corn off and banks around for a new attack.
GORDON
Oh, really...?
Now both of them step over the fenced perimeter and start
running like hell through the cornfield.
WEST
Is it too late to take it off of
me now?
126 EXT. CORNFIELD - DISC LAUNCHER - DAY 126
The second disc machine light turns green and the second
disc is launched.
127 EXT. CORNFIELD - WANDERER BACK PLATFORM - MOVING - DAY 127
Loveless is laughing his head off. Certain of Gordon's
and West's impending death, he rolls his wheelchair
inside.
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 77.
A128 INT. WANDERER - RITA A128
is awakening from the effects of the billiard ball gas
and tries to control her sense of dread and loathing.
She smiles nervously at Loveless, who's being fawned-over
by his women.
MUNITIA
Caviar...?
LIPPENREIDER
Blini...?
LOVELESS
(opening champagne
bottle)
Rita, my dear, not that I'm
ungrateful to Providence for
bringing you back to me...
Rita jumps as the champagne CORK POPS.
LOVELESS
... I'm just a wee bit curious as
to how you managed to wind up with
them.
RITA
(scrambling)
Well, they uh... seemed so... sure
that they could find you... and I
thought if I stayed with them...
they'd lead me back to... all my
friends...
Munitia shoots a look at Lippenreider.
RITA
And not to give you a big head
but...
(wrinkles her nose
to Loveless)
I kinda missed you.
LOVELESS
(not buying it)
Isn't that a coincidence? I miss
me, too.
128 EXT. CORNFIELD - WEST AND GORDON - DAY 128
come running TOWARD us. Behind and above are two discs
about to make a dive at them.
(CONTINUED)
78.
128 CONTINUED: 128
The discs, like giant razors, are mowing off the tops of
the corn stalks, heading straight for their heads!
West and Gordon dive to the ground... the discs just
missing them. West stands to run again. We see the back
of his head's been buzzed.
129 EXT. CORNFIELD - AERIAL SHOT - WEST AND GORDON - DAY 129
running a zigzag pattern toward the end of the cornfield.
West sees a gully fifty yards ahead of them.
GORDON
Head for that gully!
West zigs out of the cornfield one way. Gordon zags out
the other. They're both beat-up and exhausted from
running and flopping on the ground.
130 EXT. RIVER CANYON NEAR CORNFIELD - GORDON - DAY 130
breathlessly reaches the edge. And looks down.
131 EXT. RIVER CANYON - GORDON'S POV - DAY 131
It's no gully. It's a canyon that drops 100 feet down
to a ribbon of brown water. And that's not the worst of
it...
132 EXT. RIVER CANYON NEAR CORNFIELD - DAY 132
West is on the other side of the precipice. They're
separated by about 15 feet of air.
They both see the discs closing in. Think fast.
WEST
When I give the signal. Jump off
the cliff into my arms.
GORDON
Are you crazy?! Do you see what's
down there?
WEST
(watching the discs
approach)
Five, four, three, two...
West holds out his arms.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 79.
132 CONTINUED: 132
GORDON
Forget it. I'm not doing it...
WEST
One...
West takes a leap of faith... and finally, so does
Gordon.
GORDON
Oh shit!
CLOSE - PARTNERS
meeting mid-air. They drop OUT OF FRAME, just as... the
two discs collide with a MIGHTY EXPLOSION that is heard
by...
133 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 133
Loveless raises his glass to Rita, makes a little kissing
gesture. She looks like she'd like to kill herself.
134 OMITTED 134
135 EXT. RIVER CANYON NEAR CORNFIELD - WEST AND GORDON - DAY 135
are still in mid-air, both looking down.
GORDON
I just remembered... I can't swim!
WEST
You won't have to!
They drop OUT OF FRAME and we hear a LOUD THUK THUK.
136 EXT. BOTTOM OF RIVER CANYON - WEST AND GORDON - DAY 136
stuck up to their necks in red riverbed mud. As they
slowly begin to extricate themselves...
WEST
Maybe I should have stayed inside
that fence another moment or two.
CUT TO:
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 79A.
A137 EXT. STREAM - DUSK A137
West and Gordon, caked in mud, are coming up a ridge,
below which is a stream.
WEST
All right, Gordon, what's your
plan? How are you gonna get this
damn thing off my neck?
Gordon turns to West, simmering, controlling himself.
GORDON
Excuse me?
WEST
Isn't that why you're here?
'Cause you're the master of,
you know, mechanical stuff?
GORDON
(smiles)
Oh. Oh, I see. Now I'm the master
of... 'mechanical stuff.' As opposed
to five minutes ago, when I was trying
to collect my thoughts and figure
out a way to get us out of these
contraptions! But no!
Gordon starts moving towards West, who is forced to back
up -- looking a tad nervous for the first time in the
movie.
GORDON
-- That wouldn't have been any
fun for a certain somebody, and I
won't mention any names -- Jim
West! -- who decided to take me on
a bracing romp through a cornfield
and play a fanciful game of hide
and seek with serrated, spinning
death discs, while our only mode
of transportation is in the hands
of a sadistic madman with weapons
of mass destruction, who kidnapped
Rita, and is on his way to kill
our President and take over the
country!
WEST
Hey, calm down, Gordon...
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/97 79B.
A137 CONTINUED: A137
GORDON
(he's completely
lost it)
No! Because I'm the 'Master of
Mechanical Stuff!' And I have to
help YOU! Because you're the
'Master of Stupid Stuff!'
WEST
Gordon...
GORDON
You want to get that collar off?
Fine! Let's do it the fun, Jim
West way!
(picks up a rock)
Let's bash it with a rock!
WEST
Gordon, you don't want to do that.
GORDON
(crazy)
Oh, but I do.
Gordon grabs a rock and smashes West's collar.
Suddenly --
ZIIIINNG! West's collar emits a LOW HUM. Suddenly,
West is thrown into Gordon, their collars locking.
CLANG!
GORDON
(suddenly calm)
That's odd. What did you do?
WEST
I didn't do shit!
GORDON
No, you must've reversed the
polarity of the magnets.
WEST
I did not do shit!
(he's had enough)
That's it --
West lifts his leg to Gordon's collar to push him
away, but then -- CLANG! The stiletto in his shoe
dislodges and instantly sticks to Gordon's magnetic
collar.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 79C.
A137 CONTINUED: (2) A137
For a mega-millisecond, West -- his foot stuck to his
partner's neck -- is stunned. But before he knows what
even happened, West flips upside down onto his shoulders.
GORDON
Are you all right?
WEST
Oh, I'm peachey. Now help me get
my boot off!
First, Gordon -- trying to get some leverage -- puts his
foot in West's crotch and pulls the boot.
WEST
Ahhhh!
GORDON
Apologies, apologies.
Gordon struggles to free the writhing West from the boot
(attached to Gordon's collar).
Finally, West's foot comes free. But when he sits up
-- THWAP! His collar is sucked into Gordon's belt buckle.
West is face to face with his partner's crotch.
WEST
Do me a favor. When you're
telling this story to your
grandkids, leave this part out.
GORDON
Don't worry.
West starts unbuttoning Gordon's belt.
WEST
Now, when I undo your belt,
I'm going to run as fast as I
can that way, and you run as
fast as you can the other way.
Understand?
GORDON
You're going to run as fast as
you can one way and I'm going to
run as fast as I can the other...?
Ingenious.
WEST
One... two...
(undos belt)
Three!
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 79D.
A137 CONTINUED: (3) A137
The men run in opposite directions. (Gordon's belt on
West's collar, West's boot on Gordon's). They get about
thirty, forty yards. Then --
They're yanked backwards into each other.
SPLASH! They fall in the water -- back to back. Every
time one rolls up and catches his breath, the other is
under water.
WEST
(rolling face up)
Get off me, you steaming pile of
(GURGLE)!
GORDON
(rolling face up)
I'm trying, you son of a (GURGLE)!
WEST
(rolling face upGURGLE) you!
GORDON
(rolling face upGURGLE) yourself!
Finally they roll out of the stream and onto dry land.
They sit up, out of breath, stuck together, back to back.
WEST
I do not want to spend the rest
of my life looking like a meatball
on a plate.
GORDON
We're going to have to discuss
bathroom etiquette soon. Very
soon.
ANGLE ON TOOL KIT
bobbing in the stream. Gordon grabs it out of the water.
GORDON
Aha. My auxiliary tool kit.
I forgot all about it. It must've
slipped out of my pocket.
WEST
Your pocket? Why wasn't it
attached to some spring-loaded
something-or-other that shoots
out of your ass?
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/97 79E.
A137 CONTINUED: (4) A137
GORDON
Because that, my friend, would be
uncomfortable.
CUT TO:
137 EXT. DESERT - NIGHT 137
Gordon, lips parched, clothes tattered, peers impatiently
over the metal collar as West works on it with some lock
picks. West's collar is already off.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 09/03/98 80.
137 CONTINUED: 137
WEST
Why didn't you tell me you had an
'auxiliary' tool kit?
GORDON
I did tell you, but in your zeal
to run and leap off a two-hundred-
foot cliff, I don't think you
heard me.
West eats the grilled Gila monster voraciously. And
eats. And enjoys it more. And eats. He notices Gordon
watching him.
WEST
What?!
Gordon looks to the heavens and recites.
GORDON
'... Take physic, pomp; Expose
thyself to feel what wretches
feel, That thou mayst shake the
superflux to them, And show the
heavens more just.'
Gordon's quote has gone on. And on. And on. He notices
West watching him.
GORDON
What?!
WEST
You know, Gordon, you can be quite
annoying -- flaunting that fancy
education.
GORDON
Well, truth be told, I never had a
fancy education -- not a formal
one, anyway.
WEST
(looks at Gordon's
ring)
The Harvard thing seems pretty
formal to me.
GORDON
This ring? This ring isn't real.
Do you want it?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 09/03/98 80A.
137 CONTINUED: (2) 137
GORDON (CONT'D)
(takes ring off and
tosses it into fire)
A prop. I'm an actor. Or was. I
gave it up. I went by the name of
Arthur Gordon. Ever hear of me?
WEST
No. How did you wind up in this
line of work?
GORDON
The pinnacle of my life in the
theater came in a production of
Our American Cousin -- a light
comedy -- at Ford's Theater in
Washington. There was this one
line I had... always got the
biggest laugh in the show. One
night, it drowned out the
gunshot that killed President
Lincoln.
(beat)
I decided to devote my talents to
making sure that never happened
again.
CLOSE - TARANTULA
walks slowly across West's outstretched hand.
GORDON
Uh... There's a spider on your
hand. Doesn't that bother you?
WEST
She doesn't want any trouble.
She's just trying to get warm.
He puts the spider down into the sand.
GORDON
How come you know so much about
the desert, anyway?
WEST
The Indians taught me. I lived
out here when I was a boy.
Gordon starts to ask West something but West doesn't want
him to pry further.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 09/03/98 81/82.
137 CONTINUED: (3) 137
WEST
Hey -- watch --
He points toward a small black wasp flying from above.
WEST
The desert wasp... one of the
world's great hunters. She'll
kill the tarantula -- and lay her
eggs on it, so her babies can have
something to eat.
GORDON
Now I'm really hungry.
(beat)
How did your parents, who I assume
were Negroes, feel about you being
raised by Indians?
WEST
They didn't have much to say about
it. I was sent to another
plantation when I was little. Ran
away as soon as my legs were
strong enough to take me.
West can see the effect his story has had on Gordon.
GORDON
Did you ever see your family
again?
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 8/28/98 83.
137 CONTINUED: (4) 137
WEST
Yeah...
(stands, kicks
out fire)
They were at the camp at New
Liberty.
Now they both stare into the fire. Finally Gordon
speaks.
GORDON
I'll help you get him, Jim.
138 EXT. UTAH - DESERT - MORNING 138
West and Gordon trudge through an endless sand dune,
side by side, chests out, jaws set. They're partners,
goddammit!
GORDON
You have no idea where you're
going, do you?
WEST
I know exactly where I'm goin'
... Spider Canyon.
Gordon stops to catch his breath.
WEST
(stops, looks back)
But I'm never gonna get there
with you draggin' that damn
thing around!
Now we see Gordon's got the heavy metal collar in his hand.
West grabs him and they start to walk away -- Gordon
listing noticeably.
GORDON
While a magneto of this power
may not inspire your scientific
curiosity, it does mine. Besides,
you never know when it might come
in handy.
Gordon suddenly disappears OUT OF FRAME. West stops
to see what's happened to his partner now...
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 8/28/98 84.
138 CONTINUED: 138
ANGLE - GORDON
He's on his back, arm holding the metal doughnut
straight out over his head, being dragged across the
desert floor by some unseen force.
Gordon snowplows backwards through the sand for 40 feet,
finally coming to an abrupt stop with a metallic klang!
West deadpans this bit of insanity, walks over, and with
the toe of his boot, uncovers the explanation -- iron
railroad tracks covered by drifting sand.
WEST
Arte... when you're right, you're
right.
GORDON
Well I think our partnership is
taking a big step forward. You
finally admitted I was right about
something.
West helps him up. Then, as or two heroes follow the
tracks into the distance... towards Spider Canyon...
GORDON
Now... how about admitting you
were lost?
WEST
Don't push it.
139 EXT. SPIDER CANYON RIM - DAY (LATER) 139
West and Gordon trudge past the Wanderer. It's parked
at the end of the line, looks deserted.
GORDON
Jim, I know I've hallucinated
it several times before, so is
that really the Wanderer?
WEST
That's the Wanderer.
Gordon seems relieved to know his beloved train is not
another mirage. They continue on to the rim of the
canyon, peer over the edge. Reacting to what they see...
GORDON
And would it be too much to
hope that I'm simply seeing a
World's Fair down there... ?
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 8/28/98 85.
139 CONTINUED: 139
WEST
Yeah, it would. That's Loveless'
Lair.
140 EXT. SPIDER CANYON - POV FROM RIM - DAY 140
A natural bowl that appears to have been made by a
meteor, is gouged out of the desert floor. In the bowl
are several spectacular Victorian-style buildings made
almost entirely of glass, plus a huge silo. Ant-sized
figures are moving around.
141 OMITTED 141
142 EXT. SPIDER CANYON - DAY 142
Now they hear a strange sound. To modern ears, a WHINE
as from a jet engine. Loveless appears in the f.g. He's
rising on a steel platform as if on some unseen elevator.
Up, up, up he goes... as now more of the contraption comes
INTO VIEW. Alloy girders, multi-levels, control boards...
all open in an Eiffel Tower-like effect.
West and Gordon scramble for cover behind a rock as a
giant metal Tarantula steps over the rim in full
terrifying glory. Eight legs, five stories high.
The thorax of the giant spider bristles with Gatling guns
and all manner of weaponry. As the shadow of the monster
passes over their faces...
GORDON
Now that's impressive.
WEST
Nice to see an invention that
actually works.
143 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DAY 143
Loveless is sitting in a captain's seat 60 feet in the
air. He's surrounded by his adoring crew Amazonia,
Munitia and Lippenreider. He spreads his arms wide,
world at his feet.
86.
144 EXT. SPIDER CANYON RIM - ANGLE - GORDON AND WEST - DAY 144
They watch the Tarantula head toward a narrow opening
between two red-rock outcroppings.
GORDON
(dismissive)
We'll see about that. The fool
doesn't even realize he's trapped.
145 EXT. MESAS NEAR SPIDER CANYON RIM - DAY 145
Suddenly... a VOLLEY OF CANNON FIRE EXPLODES the
impediment to dust. The Tarantula marches on.
146 OMITTED 146
& &
147 147
148 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR (STOPPED) - DAY 148
West is dressing for battle. He straps his six guns
on his hips, flips the pool table over, grabs a coach
gun, tucks that behind his chaps.
He belts on his shotgun shell bandolero. An extra six
gun gets tucked in the belt. Another in his boot.
Pocketfuls of shells. The man's ready for war.
WEST
Gordon, let's ride!
(pause)
You do know how to ride...?
He sticks his head through the door to...
149 INT. WANDERER - LAB CAR (STOPPED) - DAY 149
Gordon's Nitro-cycle is out. Gordon fusses with it and
some canvas.
WEST
... A horse, I mean.
GORDON
(distracted)
Yes... I know how to ride a horse.
When the situation calls for
something primitive.
(CONTINUED)
87.
149 CONTINUED: 149
WEST
How about now? There's a big
spider stompin' towards our
President!
But Gordon won't be hurried. He has a big book out,
studies it, then looks back to his Nitro-cycle.
GORDON
I was just thinking about another
spider. Remember in the desert,
when that little wasp killed the
tarantula...?
West rolls his eyes impatiently.
WEST
Yeah. Well, the wasp had a small
advantage. It could fly.
GORDON
Exactly!
Gordon excitedly shows the book to West. Pictured is an
archaic sepia diagram of a weird aircraft. West looks at
it in disbelief as Gordon prattles on manically.
GORDON
In 1540, Leonardo Da Vinci
invented a flying machine called
the 'Ornithopter.' Though he
never actually flew it...
West's heard enough. He grabs Gordon, shakes him.
WEST
Artemus! There's no time for
plans or half-cocked inventions!
They don't work. We gotta stick
to what we're each good at!
As West drags Gordon to the wardrobe...
150 EXT. DESERT (UTAH) - DAY 150
Two riders galloping TOWARD CAMERA. As they THUNDER
PAST, we see West is in the lead, jaw set. And right
behind him comes... President Grant...?! (It's Artemus
in disguise, of course. And he actually can ride a
horse.)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 88.
151 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - CLOSE ON GOLDEN SPIKE - DAY 151
being held in the stubby fingers of Ulysses S. Grant.
He's reading an inscription on it.
PRESIDENT GRANT (O.S.)
May God continue the unity of our
country...
CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal a crowd present to watch
President Grant knock in the famous spike. Behind him,
two train engines are facing each other. The detectives
scan the crowd for possible trouble.
PRESIDENT GRANT
... as this railroad unites the
two great oceans of this world.
Now he swings back the sledgehammer... but at the top of
his swing...
CLOSE - SPIKE
starts to shake, wiggle, and actually pop out of its
hole. Very curious. As it begins to hop on the ground,
bounced by a RESOUNDING THUMPING...
ANGLE ON GRANT AND CROWD
look across the desert to see...
152 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - LONG SHOT - DAY 152
The Tarantula in full view. People start screaming
in terror as it appears over a ridge, huge even at
this distance. The metal beast closes the 200-yard
distance in seconds.
The citizens flee. The detectives are not far behind
them. The soldiers take cover and ready their weapons.
Grant stands his ground... even as a huge FOOT CLOMPS
down in front of him, VIBRATING the CAMERA.
153 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DAY 153
Loveless talks into a microphone which BOOMS his
voice out through AMPLIFIED SPEAKERS.
(CONTINUED)
89.
153 CONTINUED: 153
LOVELESS
Well, isn't this a coincidence!
I'm out for a little mornin' ride,
and right in the middle of
nowhere, I bump into General
Ulysses S. Grant himself!
(leans over edge,
mocking salute)
We've never been properly
introduced. I'm Dr. Arliss
Loveless, formerly with the
Confederate Army.
154 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - DAY (INTERCUT WITH TARANTULA 154
BRIDGE)
Cool and collected, Grant lights a cigar.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Yes, Dr. Loveless, what can I do
for you today?
(to his military aides)
Flank him, left and right.
LOVELESS
I have a humble abode nearby, and
I hope you'll accept my
hospitality. I have a little
proposition to make.
PRESIDENT GRANT
What proposition is that?
LOVELESS
The unconditional and immediate
surrender of the United States of
America to the Loveless Alliance.
PRESIDENT GRANT
I didn't realize we were at war.
Loveless gives the nod to Munitia.
155 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - DAY 155
KABOOM! The CANNON blows the President's train to
smithereens.
156 EXT. TARANTULA BRIDGE - DAY 156
Loveless giggles.
(CONTINUED)
90.
156 CONTINUED: 156
LOVELESS
How about now...?
157 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - BEHIND OBLITERATED TRAIN - DAY 157
The crowd who'd taken refuge behind it runs away in
panic. All but one of them. A second President Grant
(Artemus Gordon). He calmly lights a cigar on the
flaming train, strides up to the other Grant, and
shouts up at Loveless.
GORDON/GRANT
In matters of war, the person to
talk to would be me.
If there's anyone more surprised than the President
himself it's...
158 EXT. TARANTULA BRIDGE - DAY (INTERCUT WITH PROMONTORY 158
POINT)
Loveless, squinting down at the two Grants. This new
wrinkle has also attracted the attention of the
Love-lettes and everyone else aboard.
LOVELESS
Now just who are you?
GORDON/GRANT
The President.
(turns to President,
snorts)
He's just an actor hired to stand
in for me on public occasions. A
very bad actor, I must say... a
little puffy and overweight.
As the President eyes him, puffs on his cigar,
Gordon/Grant apes his every move, bigger, mockingly.
PRESIDENT GRANT
(aside)
Gordon, you've got a lot of brass.
Where's West?
GORDON
You know him, sir...
Gordon/Grant shifts his eyes toward...
159 OMITTED 159
91.
160 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - REAR OF TARANTULA - DAY 160
West running undetected to the rear leg. As the lone
cowboy starts to climb up toward the belly of the beast...
161 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - TWO GRANTS - DAY 161
Gordon/Grant turns to an Army officer, standing behind.
GORDON/GRANT
(loudly)
Captain, get this man out of my
sight! And next time get me a
real actor!
As the bewildered captain starts to lead the President
away...
162 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DAY 162
Loveless has had enough.
LOVELESS
Take them both!!!
Munitia, manning a sort of cannon, takes a bead on
the two Grants. She pulls the trigger...
163 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - TWO GRANTS - DAY 163
... and a sticky white silk shoots out covering both
Grants with spider web material.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Well, Gordon... was this part of
your plan?
GORDON
I'm by your side, sir. That's
what's important.
Now Munitia hits a lever and they're hoisted up off the
ground. They only get a couple of feet when... BLAM!
West shoots the mechanism and it jerks to a stop.
All eyes turn to the source of the sharpshooting...
164 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - TARANTULA LEG - DAY 164
West has almost reached the lowest deck. Now all the
firepower of the Tarantula is trained on him.
92.
165 EXT. TARANTULA - VARIOUS SHOTS - DAY 165
Amazonia's on the Gatling gun. Munitia and several other
goons on lower decks OPEN UP on West, too.
166 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - TARANTULA LEG - DAY 166
West takes cover behind the steel girders, SIX-GUNS
BLAZING. All his GUNS BLAZING.
167 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - DAY 167
But West's bullets, as well as the Union soldiers'
covering FIRE, PING harmlessly against the Tarantula's
ALLOY SKIN.
A168 ANGLE ON BRIDGE - LOVELESS A168
grows impatient with the gun battle. He pulls a lever.
168 OMITTED 168
& &
169 169
170 ANGLE - WEST 170
Down below, nozzles on the Tarantula's legs suddenly
ERUPT in clouds of skin-scalding STEAM. West screams
in pain and falls... 30 feet...
171 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - DAY 171
... to the ground, his head hitting a rock. As the two
Grants witness it THROUGH the sticky spider ball...
DISSOLVE TO:
172 EXT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - DUSK 172
Loveless, wearing a black tunic festooned with medals
and a Prussian-style helmet with a horse hair plume,
raises his arms Nixon-like as a band plays a flourish.
LOVELESS
Bonjour, buenas tardes and good
day! Great glorious day! A day
of healing for the wrongs that
have been done to us all!
(CONTINUED)
93.
172 CONTINUED: 172
Framed by a large flag featuring the spider emblem, he
looks out from center stage of a Greek theater at the
crowd of foreign dignitaries seated around him.
LOVELESS
... Oh, how long have we waited!
ANGLE - AMAZONIA, MUNITIA AND LIPPENREIDER
dressed in tight Fascist-brown tankwear, rise from their
seats and applaud. The only people not applauding are a
row of haggard, bearded scientists and the manacled
prisoners Gordon (sans disguise), Rita, Grant and
Coleman.
LOVELESS
(looks to
Englishman)
... 1776, wasn't it, old bean?
Most expensive cup o' tea in
history...!
As the Englishman dignitary nods soberly...
173 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - DUSK 173
West's body hasn't moved. The only change is that now
a line of ants crawls across his face. We watch, hoping
for a twitch, something... But there is none. The ants
march over lifeless eyes, swarm onto the bloody cut on
his head. If we're not convinced he's dead...
ANGLE - VULTURE
circles lower, finally landing right by West's head. As
the hideous carrion-eater leans over West's face...
EXTREME CLOSEUP - WEST'S EYES
A shadow falls across them. But instead of the pecking
red beak, a human hand appears IN the FRAME. Brushes the
ants away. We hear an INDIAN INCANTATION over. Then
finally... West's eyelids flutter open.
WEST'S POV - NAVAJO SHAMAN
standing over him. BLURRY, back-lit by the sun, the face
of West's Indian friend. The healer who can turn himself
into a bird.
(CONTINUED)
94.
173 CONTINUED: 173
As West sits up groggily, feels his head. Hey, it's
okay. As he makes a mental note to always be kind to
animals...
174 INT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - DUSK (SAME TIME) 174
Loveless continues his speech to the foreign contingent.
LOVELESS
(looks to Hudson
the indian)
Manhattan for a handful of beads?
(raises his hand;
injun-style)
How?
(to the Mexicans)
Remember the Alamo indeed!
(humbly to crowd)
Today I'm proud to be able to sit
before you and tell you the wrongs
will be righted... the past made
present... the United, divided!
To thunderous applause. Loveless signals for the flag to
be pulled down, revealing...
ANGLE ON MAP OF "THE DE-UNITED STATES"
There have been some significant internal changes which
Loveless now describes. The delegation from each country
stands when they hear their name.
LOVELESS
Great Britain gets back the
thirteen original colonies...
minus Manhattan.
(off applause)
Florida and the Fountain of Youth
go back to Spain!
(off applause)
Texas, New Mexico, California,
Arizona revolve a Mexico!
(off applause)
And the Louisiana Purchase reverts
back to the King of France!
In the front row Rita leans over to Gordon.
RITA
Queen of Spain. King of France.
I was close.
(CONTINUED)
95.
174 CONTINUED: 174
MUNITIA
(jostles her)
Shut up and listen to a real
genius!
Finally Loveless taps Colorado, Kansas, Utah and Nevada
-- now labelled as "Loveless Land." Smiles impishly.
LOVELESS
And a tiny piece for me to retire
on.
There's appreciative laughter.
175 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - WEST - SAME TIME 175
stumbles in and looks around discouraged.
The place has been ransacked. The gun cabinets are
empty, the Gatling lamp removed. All that's left is
Gordon's Nitro-cycle and his wardrobe full of dresses.
West tries every secret hiding place. Nothing. Finally
he finds Gordon's belt buckle/derringer. He opens the
breech. Only one dinky bullet. He throws down the belt
in disgust.
176 INT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - LOVELESS - DUSK 176
sits behind a desk that has been brought to center stage.
Loveless unrolls a document, signs his half of it.
LOVELESS
My partner nations insist that we
make this as legal as possible.
Personally, I like the symmetry of
it. After all wasn't it you who
made us sign a surrender at
Appomattox?
Loveless snaps his fingers. Amazonia drags Grant out of
his seat and sticks a pen in his manacled hands.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Never will I sign that paper,
never will the United States ever
surrender!
(CONTINUED)
96.
176 CONTINUED: 176
LOVELESS
Well, sir, we're at loggerheads
then, aren't we? And I suppose
the threat of death to someone
with your valorous war record,
would mean nothing.
Grant sets his jaw intractably. He's right about that.
LOVELESS
... so, if you still refuse to
sign this surrender... we'll start
by shooting your man, Gordon.
Loveless whirls, nods to Amazonia who drags the President
back to his seat, pulls Gordon out of his. Rita can't
help her outburst.
RITA
Artemus!
Artemus smiles at her, extremely brave under the
circumstances. He whispers to Rita and the President.
GORDON
(tugs at his vest)
Don't worry, I'm wearing the
Impermeable.
Rita turns to Grant. What the hell is that? Gordon has
no time to explain as Amazonia hauls him up on the stage.
As Munitia aims her rifle... Gordon holds up a finger.
GORDON
If I may have one request... it's
that she aim at my heart... which
has loved this great country so
much!
LOVELESS
(considers for a moment)
Shoot him in the head.
GORDON
Great.
Munitia cocks her rifle, then just as Loveless holds his
hands up for the signal to fire... the lights dim...
97.
177 INT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - DUSK 177
A candle-powered spotlight swings across the stage and
illuminates... a deep-throated, bluesy black CHANTEUSE
who starts singing the popular cathouse song, "Hangtown
Gals."
CHANTEUSE
(singing)
'Ohhh... Hangtown gals are plump
and rosy...'
Loveless wheels his chair around to take a gander and
forgets Gordon's execution instantly. And why not?
She's young and beautiful in a RuPaul sort of way. About
six feet tall, wearing the blue sequined number Gordon
had in his dressing room.
Accessorized with black mesh stockings, big feather boa,
silver-buckled belt, lots of frilly petticoats for those
can-can moves.
CHANTEUSE
(singing)
'Hair in ringlets, mighty cozy...'
She winds her finger around her ringlets and sticks out
her derriere to the crowd. They stare, mouths agape at
this piece of ass worthy of Othello.
CLOSE - LOVELESS
Intrigued. Well, maybe more than intrigued.
LOVELESS
A new girl! What a nice surprise!
He motions to hold up Gordon's execution, rolls to her.
CHANTEUSE
'Painted cheeks and frilly
corsets.'
(bends over showing
her undergarment)
Touch them...'
Loveless hears this as an invitation, reaches out with
his hand and whap! She slaps him right in the face.
CHANTEUSE
'... And they'll sting like
hornets!'
(CONTINUED)
98.
177 CONTINUED: 177
There's a hush in the crowd. Loveless, a red handprint
on his face, is a little nonplussed. Amazonia moves in
threateningly, but Loveless stops her, starts to laugh.
LOVELESS
(making her name up
on the spot)
Ebonia! Why are you so cruel to
me?
Ebonia has escaped a head-cutting neck bracelet. But she
probably shouldn't be teasing a man who's having "ghost
aches" in certain amputated places.
ANGLE - GORDON
waiting to be executed. Something's not quite kosher
about her for Gordon.
GORDON
(musing to himself)
I have a dress like that.
ANGLE - CHANTEUSE
Now with the crowd singing along, she pulls out all the
stops. Her gestures and dance moves become more
exaggerated, she's in the thrall of her audience.
CHANTEUSE
(singing)
'Hangtown gals are lovely
creatures
Think they'll marry Mormon
preachers.'
She sashays over to the French dignitary, pulls his
monocle out of his eye and blows hot breath on it,
steaming it up. As she pops it back on his face...
CHANTEUSE
(singing)
'Heads thrown back to show their
features...'
Now she puts her cheek next to Rita as if matching their
relative beauty while picking the pocket of Lippenreider.
Rita pushes her away disgustedly but not before Ebonia
hands Coleman the keys to the cuffs. Coleman looks from
the keys to Ebonia. He just caught on.
(CONTINUED)
99.
177 CONTINUED: (2) 177
COLEMAN
Go, Ebonia, go.
Then Ebonia prances on stage to Gordon, cuddles up to
him. Gordon looks at the big beautiful black woman with
a mixture of amusement and relief. Of course, it's his
"I'd rather be dead" partner, Jim West.
WEST
(singing)
Ha... Ha... Hangtown girls...
GORDON
Not to sound ungrateful, but you're
a little over the top.
WEST
(sings)
Ha... Ha... Ha...
West/Ebonia wraps the feather boa around Gordon's neck --
hiding the derringer in the palm of his hand. Gordon looks
worried. What's he going to do with a gun? As he tucks
it up his sleeve...
GORDON
Let me warn you about that
dress...
WEST
Gotta go. Big finish...
(belts it out)
'Ha, ha, ha! Hangtown gals!!!'
An immediate standing ovation. The diversion allows
Coleman to unlock both Grant's and Rita's shackles.
Grant looks at the keys.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Where'd those come from...?
COLEMAN
(nods to Ebonia)
Captain West.
Their eyes practically pop out of their heads.
RITA
She's... no...!
ANGLE - EBONIA/WEST
One more time.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 7/1/98 100.
177 CONTINUED: (3) 177
WEST
(singing)
'Ha, ha, ha... Hang... Town...
Girls!!!'
Suddenly the tassels on his bosoms are spinning to the
delight of the crowd.
WEST
(suddenly blinks)
Wait a minute. What the hell
is this?
He stops, but his tassels are still spinning on their
own.
178 INT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - DUSK 178
Immediately two FLAME THROWERS EXPLODE from his cone-like
bosoms.
Maybe he should've listened about the dress. He turns to
Gordon questioningly, and inadvertently incinerates one of
Loveless's goons. He howls in pain, runs panicked...
right into Rita.
RITA
Serves you right for staring at
them.
As she relieves the charred goon of his keys... Loveless
turns to the rest of his goons.
LOVELESS
Kill him!
(off their confused
looks, points)
Him! Him! The girl!
Finally getting it, they rush Ebonia. Even his 4th of
July breasts aren't a match for them. Desperate, West
reaches way down in his undergarments to retrieve one of
Gordon's billiard balls. He depresses the number and
rolls it at the guards.
GORDON
Was that the eight ball?
WEST
Mmm-hmm.
Gordon grabs West and Rita, pulls them behind the bar.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 7/1/98 101.
178 CONTINUED: 178
GORDON
That one's an incendiary bomb.
KA-BOOOOM! An EXPLOSION rips the place and a Santa Ana-
sized fire starts immediately.
Rita jumps up and makes her way through the smoke to a
bearded SCIENTIST.
WEST/GORDON
Rita!
She unlocks his neck collar, turns to them and smiles.
RITA
(disappearing into
the chaos)
Meet me after the show!
Both West and Gordon look after her with yearning as
three goons charge them. Coleman, amazed at their
torpor, quickly grabs a RIFLE from the incinerated goon
and OPENS FIRE. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Three goons drop. Gordon and West exchange looks.
Not bad for an emphysemic old engineer.
COLEMAN
Special Marshal... President
thought you needed some lookin'
after.
Speaking of the President... he's grabbed a dead goon's
RIFLE, and is LAYING DOWN a pretty good field of FIRE
himself. Suddenly, he gets a tap on the shoulder from
behind. It's Amazonia. Whap, she sends a right to his
chin knocking him out. She throws him over her shoulder
and carries him away.
179 INT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - BEHIND STAGE - 179
DUSK
As fire engulfs the place, Loveless has no choice but to
retreat... for now. Surrounded by a cadre of his women,
who carry the unconscious President Grant, Loveless heads
through a round STEEL VAULT DOOR. As Amazonia swings the
door closed, the foreign dignitaries BANG on the door
begging for admittance.
(CONTINUED)
102.
179 CONTINUED: 179
FRENCH MINISTER
Monsieur, we are your partners!
You can't let us die in this
fire!!
LOVELESS
It's not the first time y'all have
been burned in America.
He chuckles, nods to Amazonia, who SLAMS the DOOR closed.
180 EXT. LOVELESS'S LAIR - AMPHITHEATER - WEST, GORDON AND 180
COLEMAN - DUSK
emerge from the smoking lair, coughing and gasping for
breath. They watch helplessly as...
181 EXT. AMPHITHEATER - TARANTULA - DUSK 181
CLAMBERS out of the bowl -- with Grant captive on the
bridge.
A182 EXT. AMPHITHEATER - DUSK A182
COLEMAN
This is diabolical! They've got
the President and I've still got
that silly song in my head!
GORDON
(freaking out)
C'mon we gotta go! We gotta ride
horse! Something!
West is watching the Tarantula, turns to calm him.
WEST
No, Arte. Right now, we need
a plan.
Gordon tries to compose himself.
WEST
That flyin' machine idea of
yours... were you just acting like
you knew what you were talking
about... or could you build it?
182 OMITTED 182
& &
183 183
103.
184 EXT. NEAR SPIDER CANYON - WANDERER - STOPPED - DUSK 184
PANNING an expanse of canvas comprising a 20-foot wing
span. In the b.g., we hear Gordon SCRIBBLING.
GORDON (O.S.)
Now Bernoulli's Principle states
that the air flowing over a bird's
wings... is moving at a lower
pressure than the pressure below
the wing... that's called 'lift.'
Course, it's just a theory... it's
never been tested.
NEW ANGLE - GORDON'S DRAWING
It depicts a wing cutting through the air. Arrows
indicating airflow. Circular lines indicating "life."
Only one problem, it's upside down. Gordon remedies
that. Looks sheepishly to West who, like him, is wearing
a leather flight jacket and goggles.
WEST
You're not makin' me feel any
better.
Now they attach the wing to the frame -- which is
connected to the Nitro-cycle.
Coleman, his ever-present cigarette dangling from his
mouth, readies bombs from the gunpowder of cartridges and
Gordon's design. They look like Flash Gordon's
spaceship. He passes them out.
COLEMAN
Here's a coupla bon voyage
presents.
GORDON
Coleman! Must you smoke when
handling explosives!
Gordon grabs them away from him and sits in the saddle of
the Nitro-cycle. West looks at Coleman apologetically as
he stuffs the bombs into his jacket.
WEST
He's just a little nervous 'cause
no one's ever flown before.
West is barely on the back when Gordon kicks it over and
they BLAST OUT OF FRAME.
104.
185 EXT. DESERT AND CLIFF - NITRO-CYCLE - DUSK 185
builds ground speed. Gordon is nervous at the wheel.
West gives him an encouraging pat.
WEST
Avant...! Avant!!!
But their speed is not enough to get them airborne.
GORDON
We're not getting enough lift!
We need more speed!
Then in an uncharacteristic move by Gordon, he turns the
machine around and heads for the cliff.
WEST
Hey, uh... that's the cliff over
there, you know?
He guns the accelerator.
GORDON
Yes, I do know.
And with that, the Nitro-cycle goes off the cliff! It
disappears for the count of five. Then suddenly it
swoops up and PAST CAMERA. They're flying!
186 EXT. SKY - DESERT WASP - IN FLIGHT - DUSK 186
GORDON
(amazed)
It worked...? It worked!!
WEST
(looking down)
If you had to get one right, I'm
real glad it was this one.
GORDON
(exhilarated, with
West-like abandon)
Yeee-haaa!
And with that, they bank the Desert Wasp around and fly
off to save the Republic.
187 EXT. SILVERADO - TARANTULA - DUSK 187
is entering the town.
105.
188 EXT. BRIDGE - TARANTULA - DUSK 188
Loveless turns to Grant, his face beaten and bruised.
LOVELESS
Mr. President, I'll ask you once
again. Sign the surrender or I
decimate this town!
PRESIDENT GRANT
You've had my answer.
Loveless's face darkens as Amazonia hands him a tray of
cotton balls.
LOVELESS
(as he puts in earplugs)
I find the sound of people
screaming while they get blown to
smithereens, ruins the ear for
music. Don't you?
He offers them to the President. Grant swats them away.
LOVELESS
Commence firing!
And with that the Tarantula OPENS FIRE on the town.
There's a lot of stomping and smashing, too.
189 EXT. SKY - DESERT WASP (IN FLIGHT) - DUSK 189
high above the Tarantula. Gordon, lost in the joy of
flight, turns to West who is more of a white-knuckler.
GORDON
I think I'll call it...
WEST
Lemme guess... an Elevation Enhancer?
GORDON
(why would you
call it that?)
No, Air... Gordon.
Now West points to the Tarantula and chaos below.
WEST
Go down, down there!
(CONTINUED)
106.
189 CONTINUED: 189
GORDON
(as if to a child)
You can't just 'go down there.'
Flight depends on lift, which must
be calibrated to the angle of
descent...
WEST
Shut up and go down there, will
ya?
West reaches up, shoves the make-shift joystick forward.
As the wasp plummets toward the bridge of the Tarantula
and Gordon strains to keep control...
190 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 190
Loveless and Grant are oblivious to our heroes above. He
unlocks one of Grant's handcuffs, presents him with a
pen.
LOVELESS
Well, Mr. President. Have you had
enough yet? Would you like to
sign the surrender or shall we set
a course for Denver? Wichita?
Washington, perhaps?
Suddenly there's a LOUD WHOOOSH and...
191 EXT. SKY - DESERT WASP (IN FLIGHT) - ABOVE SILVERADO - 191
DUSK
West and Gordon swooping down low. West unfastens
BOMBS from his vest, waits for the right moment. As
they swing past the Tarantula cannon, he drops them.
BOOM! BOOM! The big gun falls limp.
192 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 192
The dumbfounded Tarantula crew, which has been whittled
down to Miss Lippenreider, Amazonia and Munitia. They
never counted on having to shoot something in the air,
and can't raise their weapons any higher than 90 degrees.
193 EXT. SKY - DESERT WASP (IN FLIGHT) - ABOVE SILVERADO - 193
DUSK
West and Gordon banking around for another sortie.
107.
194 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 194
Loveless wheels his chair amid the smoke and chaos,
shocked. WARNING HORNS are GOING OFF.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Well, I'll be damned... it's West
and Gordon... flying!
Grant chuckles at the dauntless pair's pluck.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Keep that surrender handy. I
think you're going to need it!
LOVELESS
Don't be too sure...
Loveless thinks for a moment, pushes Grant out of the
way, and rolls over to the controls. He pushes a lever
and the Tarantula bends down on its knees. He barks to
Munitia.
LOVELESS
I'm through with diplomacy... Take
him away and kill him!
195 EXT. DESERT - TARANTULA - DUSK 195
On its front knees...
196 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 196
Now its rear end is tilted up in the air giving
Amazonia at the Gatling gun a shot at...
197 EXT. SKY - DESERT WASP (IN FLIGHT) - ABOVE SILVERADO - 197
DUSK
The BULLETS PERFORATE the Desert's Wasp's wings and BLAST
through its STRUTS. They're going down!
WEST
What does your boy da Vinci say
about puttin' this bird down?
GORDON
I don't think he thought it would
ever work, so he didn't get that
far. I'm open to suggestions.
(CONTINUED)
108.
197 CONTINUED: 197
WEST
Take out as many bad guys out as
you can.
Gordon aims wasp at the Tarantula kamikaze-like just
as...
198 EXT. TARANTULA - LOWER DECK - MUNITIA - DUSK 198
Munitia cocks back the hammer of her pistol and aims
it at the President... The WASP CRASHES into her.
The SHOT GOES OFF wildly and Munitia falls off the
deck, to her death.
As Grant and the wasp hang over the edge...
199 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 199
Loveless at the controls.
LOVELESS
Munitia! Munitia!!!
200 EXT. TARANTULA - LOWER DECK - DUSK 200
West and Gordon, bruised but alive, climb off the wasp
and onto the lower deck. They pick up the President
and dust him off.
GORDON
Sorry about that, sir. Nose up,
flaps down. Have to remember that
next time.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Son, never apologize for saving a
President's life.
As Gordon realizes that he's finally made amends for that
night long ago in Ford's Theater...
AMAZONIA (O.S.)
Soon you all can fly again. This
time with little angel wings.
West, Gordon and Grant turn to see Amazonia and
Lippenreider with the drop on them.
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 109.
201 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 201
West, Gordon, and Grant are now under Loveless's control.
LOVELESS
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by
your effort and ingenuity. Why
not swear an oath of loyalty to
me... and forego your executions.
WEST
Why not? Well, I guess maybe I'd
rather see what happens when I
stuff your ass into that cannon
up there and fertilize the
landscape.
GORDON
Uh, Jim, I think a polite 'no'
would suffice...
Loveless taps a button on his chair and the floor opens
up beneath West. He goes crashing down a story.
Loveless sics Amazonia on Gordon and Grant and proceeds
down the ramp to the level below.
LOVELESS
Lippenreider, take over the
controls.
(looks down at West)
We may not have a woodshed on
board, but that boy is gonna get a
whoopin' anyway!
202 INT. BELLY OF THE BEAST - DAY 202
West plunges down into the metal chamber. Oiled pistons,
thrusting. Steam, billowing. Struggles to his feet.
There, out of the shadows, steps...
KNIFE GUY
He's a mess... no hands, just brass collars where they
used to be. They lock eyes.
WEST
So, I guess you're the one who's
gonna give me my whoopin'.
They square off. A beat. Then, a long steely blade
shoots out from where his left hand used to be.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 109A.
202 CONTINUED: 202
WEST
Pfft. I got one a' those.
West reveals the less impressive four inch stiletto in
his boot. Knife Guy responds by producing another
blade from his other cuff.
WEST
But you've got two of those.
(beat)
Okay, lemme talk to Gordon, I'll
see if he can...
No time for talk. Knife Guy does a bad-ass series of
moves. The blades criss-crossing one another at blinding
speed. West, unimpressed, retorts with a lame shake of
his stiletto and boot.
And the fight begins...
Knife Guy attacks! West narrowly escapes each thrust of
the knife, and attempts a kick to the groin... but comes
up short -- The stiletto collides with one of the blades
and snaps like a carrot. His only weapon... gone.
WEST
Damn.
West rolls onto the railing to avoid the attack. Sparks
fly as the Knife Guy tries to slice and dice West but
misses each time, hitting the metal railing instead.
West rolls to the floor, sucking air. Knife Guy lands
a kick to West's ribs. And to make matters worse...
WRENCH GUY
just showed up. He swings his wrench at West's head.
West ducks but gets kicked in the back. He sails across
the room, lands flat on his back. Now...
SHOVEL GUY
makes an appearance. He hammers his shovel at West's
groin, over and over. (West is in a crab position and
backs up to avoid this.) West finally gets a kick in
-- it does a moderate amount of damage.
Wrench Guy appears and swings his huge wrench at West's
head. West escapes it, barely...
Knife Guy thrusts a side-kick at West's chest, but West
catches his foot, holds on for dear life.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 109B.
202 CONTINUED: (2) 202
Wrench Guy is inbound, with wrench in hand. He swings
on West, but West blocks it with Knife Guy's leg... OUCH!
West punches both of them. Wrench Guy tumbles OUT OF
FRAME.
West stands. Looking for a way out, but... no luck...
Shovel Guy attacks. West ducks and the shovel connects
squarely with Knife Guy's blades. West crouches and
throws two simultaneous punches, each connecting with a
set of jewels.
West stands, follows it up with a right cross and left
hook and these two jokers wind up OUT OF FRAME.
Now... the Wrench Guy is on his feet and he's pissed!
He attacks West, lands a solid kick to the chest and
West flies backward toward a...
HANGING CHAIN
which he grabs. He scales the gears, gets a solid grip,
then swings, a huge arc across the room, gaining momentum,
and kicks Shovel Guy and Wrench Guy at the same time! Off
their feet they go, slamming onto the metal floor.
West lands. Knife Guy attacks. West uses the chain to
block the blades which are flying at him, left and right.
Sparks fly. West manages to wrap the chain around one of
the knives, locks it down, and heaves it into the gears...
the blade snaps.
WEST
No more Mister Knife guy!
West drops a stiff right-cross on the chin of the Knife
Guy... wobbles his legs a bit. But before West can follow
up...
ANOTHER BLADE SHOOTS OUT
to replace the broken one. It stops about a half-an-inch
from West's nose.
A struggle ensues, but West manages to wrap the chain
around Knife Guy's neck and string him up.
West throws a kick to his back... Knife Guy, hanging by
his neck, flies through the belly... (the chain is on a
track)... and out of the mouth of the beast, down into
the abyss, chain and all.
Shovel Guy springs to his feet and swings on West. West
grabs the shovel and they struggle for possession...
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 109C.
202 CONTINUED: (3) 202
Wrench Guy comes out of nowhere and wants a piece of the
action. But West uses the shovel to deflect the swing-
ing wrench... sparks fly.
West gains sole possession of the shovel and mule-kicks
Shovel Guy OUT OF FRAME. West spins just in time to
land a crippling blow to Wrench Guy's back.
Shovel Guy grabs the shovel. He and West tug-o'-war again.
West ducks under the shovel and moves back-to-front with
him. West elbows him in the ribs. He responds by putting
West in a choke hold. West swings the shovel wildly but
hits his target -- shovel Guy's head!
West steps back, gets his footing and, for good measure,
whacks him in the back.
Wrench Guy attacks. West defends himself with the shovel
and lands a stiff kick to his stomach. Wrench Guy goes
down...
West turns, hits Shovel Guy in the chest with the shovel
and he goes down...
Wrench Guy sneaks up on West from behind and swings at
his head. West, on instinct, lifts the shovel and blocks
the deadly blow at the last second.
West has now found his rhythm...
He swings and shovel and connects with... first, the
foot, then the chin, and last but not least, the head --
BOINK! West drops the shovel and, World Wrestling
Federation style, picks him up and hurls him into the
space between the gears. We won't see him anymore!
West pivots and WHACK!... Shovel Guy plants a neat
little roundhouse kick squarely on West's jaw. West
backs up and catches another in the stomach. Then...
Shovel Guy really shows what he's made of...
He does a series of jump-kicks, round-houses and fan-
kicks into the air. All perfectly timed, all deadly.
SHOVEL GUY
I learned that from a Chinaman.
West, without missing a beat, steps on the shovel, which
flips into his hand and -- WHACK! -- lands a clean one
right on the top of Shovel Guy's melon.
WEST
I just made that up.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 109D.
202 CONTINUED: (4) 202
Shovel Guy reels back and tumbles over the railing,
through the hole and he's gone...
WEST
Don't forget your shovel!
West casts the shovel out into the abyss.
WEST
(upward)
Is that all you got for me,
Loveless?!
West, exhausted, turns and sees...
METAL HEAD
all seven feet of him. The top of his head is a metal
plate. Extending downward, encircling his eyes. West
soaks him in, sighs.
WEST
Uh, I just threw my shovel out.
So this really isn't fair. If
you don't mind, I'd like to...
West, at lightning speed, throws a sucker-punch/spin-
ning back-fist to Metal Head's jaw... PING! That one
really hurt... West's hand, that is. Metal Head isn't
fazed a bit. West throws another shot, this time to
the gut... PING! Then a kick to the groin... PING!!!
WEST
(incredulous)
Noooo.
Metal Head has had enough. He effortlessly picks West
up by his lapels and flings him across the room. West
tumbles, and lands right next to...
WRENCH
He picks it up and starts swinging! A shot to the body
... PING! Then another... PING! Then another... PINGGGG!
Metal Head lurches forward, absorbing each blow with not
so much as a twitch of the eye. West furries... PING!
PING! PING! PING!... nothing! He goes for the head...
PINNNNNNGGGG!... nothing! West is out of time. He's been
backed up as far as he can go. His heels are dangling
over the mouth of the beast, a thousand feet above the
rocky cliff.
WEST
Sorry.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 109E.
202 CONTINUED: (5) 202
Metal head grunts, grimaces and pitches forward, toward
West, slowly but menacingly... West braces himself.
METAL HEAD
Urrrrrrrrrrggggghhh!!!
West side-steps and Metal Head falls face first into
the open air.
WEST
(downward)
You guys just don't get out
enough.
CUT TO:
202A INT. TARANTULA - BELOW DECK - DUSK 202A
West slowly gets up. Loveless is about to roll over
him. He jumps up in the air, grabs onto an overhead
strut, reverses and shoves the wheelchair off the ramp
jamming the wheels.
A smile comes to West's face as he watches Loveless's
frustrated attempts at going forward and backward.
WEST
When you get right down to it,
Loveless, you just can't beat
a good pair of legs.
LOVELESS
(thin smile)
You're obviously not a poker
player, Mr. West...
Loveless presses a button, the sound of MECHANICAL GEARS
ENGAGING. Suddenly four metal legs appear from underneath
the wheelchair, raising his body to a height of six foot ten.
LOVELESS
Two pair always beats a pair.
West stares up at him slack-jawed. Loveless rolls up his
sleeves, steps away from the wheelchair ready to fight.
LOVELESS
Now... Was it someone particularly
close to you who perished in that
military action?
West responds with a roundhouse kick to the chin that
makes Loveless spin around on the platform of his chair.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 110.
202A CONTINUED: 202A
LOVELESS
(stunned)
Hmmm. Well, that hit a nerve.
Loveless imitates West by kicking with a lightning flash
of an alloy leg. It's a rib cracker that sends West
sprawling.
LOVELESS
A mother, perhaps? A father?
CLOSE - WEST'S HAND
He's just trying to get up when a cleated metal foot
stomps down with hundreds of foot pounds per square inch.
As West screams in pain...
203 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 203
Gordon tries to come to West's aid, but Amazonia points
a gun barrel at his temple. Gordon can only watch
helplessly as...
204 INT. TARANTULA - BELOW DECK - DUSK 204
Loveless begins a metallic-flamenco, hands on his hips,
his piston-like legs kicking West's body and head.
LOVELESS
It feels so good to stretch my
legs.
(CONTINUED)
111.
204 CONTINUED: 204
West can't take much more of this, he's about to pass
out. Loveless lowers his alloy foot over West's head and
begins to crush it like a grape.
LOVELESS
I likes to beat my feet on the
Mississippi mud!
205 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 205
Gordon watches in a tortured sweat as his partner tries
to hold off the metal foot. But he's slowly losing.
Gordon turns to his female captors, throws his arms out
beseechingly. When he does, the derringer comes snapping
out of his sleeve in the device which normally holds his
pen.
GORDON
Stop this violence!
Gordon blinks at the gun. So do Lippenreider and
Amazonia. Grant knows what to say, if Gordon doesn't.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Drop 'em.
They obey, chucking their guns overboard.
206 INT. TARANTULA - BELOW DECK - DUSK 206
West's eyes are popping out of his head, the mechanical
pressure of Loveless's leg.
GORDON (O.S.)
Stop or I'll shoot!
If possible, West's eyes pop even further. Gordon shoot?
NEW ANGLE - LOVELESS
looks up to see Gordon holding the derringer on him from
up above.
LOVELESS
You expect to kill me with that
little pea shooter?
GORDON
If I have to. Yes.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 10/7/98 112.
206 CONTINUED: 206
LOVELESS
Why is it, that I'm unafraid?
(chuckles)
I believe you gentlemen are the
polar opposites of a moral
dilemma and I'm stuck in the
middle. On one end, we have
Mr. West, a man of primitive
vigours uncomplicated by
intellect. And on the other,
there's Mr. Gordon. A man of
ideas, but unlike myself, lacks
the passion to kill for them.
He'd like to be able to act his
way out of it. And for some
reason when he's actin', someone
always seems to get killed.
Loveless puts more pressure on West's head, he groans.
Gordon aims.
WEST
(gasps)
Shoot him, Gordon...!
LOVELESS
I'm right about you, aren't I,
Gordon? And that's why I'm
gonna kill your friend here.
Then I'm going to kill you.
POP! The SHOT startles Loveless, West and even Gordon.
But when Loveless realizes that he's not hit, he laughs.
LOVELESS
After all that, you missed.
GORDON
Not exactly.
He gestures down Loveless's legs to a punctured metal
tube that's spraying a stream of hydraulic fluid all over
the deck -- rendering the foot on West's head, powerless.
West gets out from under, rubs his neck to regain
circulation.
WEST
Better than a fountain pen, don't
you think.
(nods behind Gordon)
By the way, your chivalry's about
to be tested.
Gordon turns to see...
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 7/1/98 113.
206 CONTINUED: (2) 206
ANGLE - AMAZONIA AND LIPPENREIDER
Charging him. They smash into him, driving him to the
rail. As they pummel him, trying to throw him over,
Gordon realizes this is no time for passivity. He
retaliates with a series of chops and kicks that would
make West proud. Over the rail, goes Lippenreider. In
that split-second before she drops, Gordon mouths
"bye-bye."
Before he can savor the moment further, Amazonia clubs
him from behind. Gordon whirls and hits her so hard it
surprises them both. Over the railing she goes! As
Amazonia hovers there, President Grant gives her the
kick in the pants she needs to go sailing.
PRESIDENT GRANT
(to Gordon, impressed)
We'll be joining them in a moment
if you can't stop that thing!
207 EXT. TARANTULA - BRIDGE - DUSK 207
Gordon turns to see Grant gesturing at the horizon. His
eyes widen when he sees the flat mesa they are travelling
comes to a sudden halt at a 1000 foot cliff.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Let's see how clever you really
are...
Gordon frantically starts pulling this lever and that.
Meanwhile...
208 OMITTED 208
209 INT. TARANTULA - BELOW DECK - DUSK 209
West approaches Loveless. There's going to be some
payback.
WEST
For almost four long years I've
been trackin' the animal
responsible for the Massacre at
New Liberty. And I hear that's you...
But with the hydraulic fluid, the fight has gone out of
Loveless. His mechanical legs shrivel before our eyes,
and Loveless sinks helplessly to the deck like the
Wicked Witch.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 114.
209 CONTINUED: 209
Whimpering pathetically, he uncouples his body from the
useless contraption and slowly backs up to his wheelchair
that's stuck against the railing.
LOVELESS
Please, West... show a little mercy
to a poor defenseless cripple...
WEST
(imitating his accent)
Now, now, Doctor... let's not cloud
this otherwise sunny day with that
poor-ol'-me-cripple-talk. Just
buck up and say to yourself, 'I am
indefatigably hard-pumpin' and
steely!'
Loveless gets to his wheelchair and collapses in it.
LOVELESS
After I kill ya, I swear I'm gonna
boil you down to axle grease!
WEST
Now that's the ol' doctor I know!
But the smile fades from West's face when he sees Loveless's
shotgun armrests pop out leveled at his waist.
West has nowhere to go but up as he leaps to grab the
I-beam over his head just as Loveless pulls the triggers
on both BARRELS... BOOM! BOOM!
The SHOTS almost blow the heels off West's boots. They
PUNCTURE a PIPE behind him. Steam spews out. This is
going to have an effect on something.
210 EXT. TARANTULA BRIDGE - DUSK 210
Gordon and Grant are trying different combinations to
stop the thing. Finally, Gordon throws up his hands.
He doesn't know what else to try when suddenly the
Tarantula seizes up as if it just had a heart attack
and tilts forward.
211 EXT. CLIFF - EDGE - DUSK 211
The Tarantula lurches forward drastically and teeter-
totters on the brink.
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 114A.
212 INT. TARANTULA - BELOW DECK - DUSK 212
The sudden stopping jerks Loveless' wheelchair free.
Despite his frantic efforts, he's rolling toward the
opposite railing. When the wheelchair hits a pool of
hydraulic fluid on the deck, it spins him around 180
degrees.
West jumps up, grabs a girder. The wheelchair spins
under West's legs and then -- CLANK -- it slams into
the railing and wedges there.
213 EXT. CLIFF EDGE - DUSK 213
The impact makes the mighty beast jerk forward, inches
away from toppling over.
214 INT. TARANTULA - BELOW DECK - DUSK 214
The jolt shoots West off the girder. He free-falls
through the belly and out into the open air. Thinking
quickly, he grabs onto the back of Loveless' wheel-
chair. His arms nearly torn from their sockets. His
weight causes the wheelchair to shift, now leaving it
hanging on by a thread. West reaches out, grabs the
wheel of the chair and hangs there.
LOVELESS
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
How did we arrive in this dark
situation?
WEST
I don't know. Guess I'm stumped!
LOVELESS
And I'm so cotton-pickin' afraid
of heights. They just give me the
spooks!
WEST
Ah, don't be afraid, Loveless.
With this being the last leg of
our journey and all, you should
soak in the view, you're really
missing something.
LOVELESS
Mister West, I'm gonna cut this
conversation short...
WEST
Good one, Loveless. I didn't think
of that one.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 114B.
214 CONTINUED: 214
LOVELESS
(furious)
Mister West!!! I am faced with a
difficult decision here. On one
hand, there is the overwhelming
love that I have for myself, and
on the other, the raw, seething
hatred I have for you! Now, I
could kill you very easily, just
by pulling this lever...
He moves the joystick. The chair jerks back.
LOVELESS
But, of course, I would die along
with you. I guess the only thing
that I can take comfort in is the
hope that you would hit those
rocks a second before me and I
could enjoy immeasurable bliss
before I vanish.
(moving joystick
back and forth)
What to do, what to do...
West grabs the joystick.
WEST
Allow me to make that decision
easy on you, Loveless. Because
I want to see you dead a hell of
a lot more than I want to live.
LOVELESS
Why is it that I have a sneaking
suspicion, that although you are
as black as the night on the
outside... inside, you are yellow?!
They lock eyes. A beat.
LOVELESS
You don't have it in you, do you...
boy?!
WEST
You were right. Let's cut this
conversation short!
West yanks the joystick back.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/97 114C.
214 CONTINUED: 214
ANGLE - LOVELESS
his eyes widen. The wheels spin for a second, finally
catch, and in a flash, Loveless and West free-fall into
space.
LOVELESS
Weeeeeeeeeest!!!!
A beat, then...
ANGLE - CHAIN
which is dangling from the belly of the beast. At
the bottom of the chain is the Knife Guy from the fight
scene. West is hanging on to his ankles, enjoying a
vindictive, belly laugh.
WEST
(downward)
Now that looked like it hurt.
CUT TO:
215 OMITTED 215
216 EXT. PROMONTORY POINT - CLOSE ON GOLDEN SPIKE - DAY 216
It's driven finally into place to a rousing cheer. PULL
BACK to reveal that President Grant, his sleeves rolled
up, has delivered the blow.
Hats in the air, handshakes, pictures. The specter of
Loveless and his evil plot a fading memory.
Grant turns to West and Gordon.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Gentlemen, I now strongly believe
the United States is going to be
truly united. Not because of this
railroad... but because of you.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 7/1/98 115A.
216 CONTINUED: 216
Grant scans the crowd, every race seems present at this
momentous event. He reaches into his pocket, takes out
two silver shields.
PRESIDENT GRANT
I've signed into law the creation
of an agency whose sole duty is to
protect the President and the
country from lunatics like
Loveless.
(pins badges on
their vests)
Welcome to the Secret Service,
Agents No. 1 and No. 2.
(CONTINUED)
116.
216 CONTINUED: 216
The President shakes both their hands. Gordon resists
looking down.
GORDON
Uh, just out of curiosity, sir...
who's Agent No. 1?
Grant just shakes his head, some things never change.
PRESIDENT GRANT
I don't think that matters very
much, do you? Gordon? Besides,
you'll have plenty of time to
discuss it on your new assignment.
(hands them piece
of paper)
See you back in Washington.
He snaps off a salute, starts to go as they read it.
Gordon looks up, very troubled.
GORDON
But, sir... what about our train?
PRESIDENT GRANT
(over shoulder)
Well, I'm taking it of course.
Hell, you let Loveless blow up
mine.
As they look at one another in dismay...
RITA (O.S.)
Jim... Arte...?
They turn to see Rita approaching them from a crowd of
scientists. She's looking extraordinarily fetching
in a print dress and parasol.
West and Gordon sit up like dogs.
WEST
Rita! You look great.
GORDON
Ravishing, a vision.
She hugs West, she hugs Gordon. Who's it gonna be?
RITA
I just wanted to thank you for
everything you've done for me...
before I went back home to Texas.
(CONTINUED)
117.
216 CONTINUED: (2) 216
WEST
Texas? Why're you going back
there? Why don't you come with me
back to Washington?
GORDON
Or better still, come with me to
Washington. I could introduce you
to people I still know in the
theater...
WEST
She's not really an entertainer,
remember?
RITA
(intercedes)
I can't go with either of you.
She looks from one crestfallen suitor to the other.
RITA
It's not that you both don't have
your attributes.
(to Gordon)
You're so sophisticated and such a
wonderful cook.
(to West)
Jim, you're good with a gun... and
have great legs.
(to both)
And you're both so brave. But...
I'm afraid I haven't been
completely honest with you.
WEST AND GORDON
Uh-oh...
RITA
Professor Escobar's not my father.
He's my husband.
She gestures to a handsome goateed Latino waiting for
her. Shaved and cleaned up, he's not the old man we
thought.
WEST
Rita... why didn't you just tell
us that in the first place?
(CONTINUED)
118.
216 CONTINUED: (3) 216
RITA
Well, I was going to... but would
you have really brought me along
if I said I was married?
Honestly.
Neither West nor Gordon knows what to say.
RITA
I didn't think so.
She turns and starts to walk away. Stops and smiles.
RITA
At least you still have each
other.
As West and Gordon look at one another...
217 EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY - SUNSET 217
We gaze out over one of those achingly beautiful John
Ford vistas as we hear our heroes voices.
WEST (O.S.)
You know, Arte...
GORDON (O.S.)
What's that, Jim?
WEST (O.S.)
Maybe Rita's right...
Suddenly intruding into the f.g. is a huge metal leg.
Then another LEG CLOMPS down... and the Tarantula comes
INTO FULL VIEW. As our heroes ride slowly into the
sunset.
WEST
Besides... there's a lot of
other women in the world.
GORDON
That's easy for you to say. She
didn't walk off with your best
dress.
FADE OUT.
THE END
