WILD HOGS
Written by
Brad Copeland
FIRST DRAFT
REVISED 7/06/05
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
ANGLE ON: BILLY MATTHEWS, 8, ravenously eating a plate
of hashbrowns, runny fried eggs and syrupy waffles.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
Doug?...
We see DOUG MATTHEWS, 40's, sitting across the table,
staring at his son, Billy. Doug is handsome in that
honest, sincere way. A guy you would call to help you
move a couch. He watches Billy scoop up his hashbrowns
with a frosted pop-tart. Billy catches his Dad's look
and grins with his mouth full. Doug smiles back, then
looks down at his own plate. He has scrambled egg whites
and sliced tomatoes. His smile fades away.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Doug?
Doug snaps out of it and looks up at his wife, KELLY
MATTHEWS. She's attractive, with a patient smile.
KELLY
I've got some stuff to do for the party
tomorrow. Can you take Billy to school?
DOUG
What "stuff"? This party isn't going to
be fancy, is it? Just some friends and a
wing platter from Costco?
KELLY
It's a our 10th anniversary, Doug. Its
going to be a nice party with nice food
and nice music. And wings have carbs, so
you can't eat them anyway.
BILLY
(MOUTH FULL)
I'll eat 'em.
Doug gives Billy a look.
DOUG
No you won't. Because I'm going to
scrape the batter off.
BILLY
That doesn't work.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 2.
DOUG
I went to medical school. You think I
don't know how carbs work?
BILLY
Dentists go to medical school?
Doug looks a little insulted.
KELLY
Doug, can you take Billy or not?
DOUG
Yeah, I can take him. There aren't any
emergencies at the office this morning.
KELLY
You have emergencies?
DOUG
(INDIGNANT)
Yes, I have emergencies. That's what my
pager is for. one beep from that thing,
and bam. I'm off. Like a cheetah.
Billy, now pouring lucky charms into a bowl, looks up.
BILLY
(MOUTH FULL)
The battery ith gone in that thing. You
took them out for the TV clicker.
Doug gives Billy a look.
DOUG
I did do that. I forgot about that. I
need to get some batteries in there.
Because dentists do have emergencies. We
are doctors, you know? We take the same
oath. The oath of saving lives.
Doug goes to take some of Billy's discarded Lucky Charms.
Billy swats his hand away.
BILLY
(MOUTH FULL)
Uh uh. Carbth.
Doug nods, defeated, as Billy hops up and dumps the
remaining lucky charms in the trash.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 3.
INT. VOLVO - LATER THAT MORNING
DOUG drives a Volvo station wagon along the streets of
Cincinnati. BILLY is next to him, in the passenger
seat, looking bored. Doug notices.
DOUG
You know, I use to race a car like this.
Put a hemi under the hood... Nobody saw
me coming.
BILLY
Really?
DOUG
Yup. It could really... smoke some ass.
Billy raises his eyebrows, impressed. Doug smiles. This
was a good time to break the "no saying ass" rule.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Yes, sir. They called it the dragon
wagon. You're lucky to be in here
without a helmet, pal. We both are.
Doug downshifts a gear, and the tame engine roars
artificially. Billy is impressed.
BILLY
Awesome! Hey, can I jam the radio?
DOUG
Heck yeah, you can jam the radio.
Doug tussles Billy's hair and smiles.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. TRAFFIC LIGHT - A FEW MINUTES LATER
The Volvo pulls up to a red light. Radio Disney blares
"MICKEY LOVES MAMBO" from the stereo. BILLY bobs his
head along with the music. DOUG looks out the window
and sees a mid-twenties guy in a Porsche, staring at him.
Doug nods hello, then awkwardly faces forward.
FADE OUT:
FADE BACK IN ON:
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 4.
INT. SMALL OFFICE - MORNING
VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE
Bob?...
BOB LEVENSTEIN, 40s, is working at his computer. Bob is
good enough looking, but with a gawky wimpishness and
burdened eyes. He tries to ignore the speakerphone.
VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE (CONT'D)
Bob!?
Bob cringes at the shrill, female voice.
BOB
Hey, honey.
VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE
You need to come tell Haley she can't go
to a party tonight.
BOB
(into speaker phone)
Well, I'm technically at the office right
now, so...
The door behind him flings open, and KAREN LEVENSTEIN,
attractive and harsh-looking, steps in holding a phone.
KAREN
Are you kidding me!? You work in our
guest bedroom, not an office.
BOB
I know, I was just trying to make this
DEADLINE--
KAREN
Yeah, and I have to go to a job that
actually makes us money, Bob. So, get
out here and tell Haley she's not going
anywhere!
Bob nods obediently and hurries out of the room.
INT. BOB'S HOUSE / KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER
Bob enters the kitchen. His five year-old daughter,
CLAIRE, wearing a dance leotard, walks up to him and
smiles.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 5.
CLAIRE
Hey, Daddy. Listen.
(screams at the top of her
LUNGS)
EEEEEIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA1
Bob winces, and looks around for his other daughter.
SFX: PHONE RINGS
Bob reaches for it, but his other teenage daughter,
HALEY, runs in, wearing a denim mini-skirt and Ugg boots.
HALEY
No!! Don't touch that! It's Julien!
Haley snatches the phone away from Bob.
BOB
Actually, I need to talk to you--
HALEY
(IGNORING BOB)
Hey, Julien. Yeah, totally. I'll
probably just drop by and chill.
BOB
If that's about the party, you--
HALEY
Dad! I'm talking, here. God!
Haley storms out of the room. Bob goes to say something,
but CLAIRE enters and looks up at him.
CLAIRE
(SCREAMING AGAIN)
Eeeeeeeiiiiiaaaaa!!
Bob just stares at her, as Karen enters the Kitchen.
KAREN
(yelling above Claire)
Did you talk to her? Tell me you talked
to her. God! I have to do everything!
Just get Claire to ballet. She's late.
BOB
Well, I really have to finish my--
KAREN
Your little article for the "Web"
magazine, Bob?
(MORE)
"wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 6.
KAREN (CONT'D)
I have a shareholder meeting. And we
agreed that my career would be the
priority, and you would work out of the
house. You might not like it, but my job
is higher paying. And I don't see you
complaining about that hundred dollar
shirt you're wearing.
Bob looks down at his too-hip dress shirt.
BOB
You bought this shirt for me. I was fine
with my t-shirts--
KAREN
Oh, you don't like the shirt now? Fine.
Take it off.
BOB
What?
KAREN
Take it off! You don't want to wear nice
things, don't. Off!
Bob sighs and takes the shirt off. Karen snatches it
from him.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Now take Claire to her ballet class.
It's starts in five minutes.
BOB
Well, I have to get another--
KAREN
Go! Five minutes!
Karen pushes Bob out the door, with Claire skipping
happily behind him.
INT. BOB'S CAR - A MOMENT LATER
Bob sits in the car, SHIRTLESS, next to Claire. He looks
over at her, and notices a pink hoodie in her lap.
BOB
You going to wear that?
CLAIRE
For five dollars, I'm not.
Bob sighs and reaches for his wallet.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 7.
INT. CHILDREN'S DANCE STUDIO - FIVE MINUTES LATER
A bunch of kids in dance leotards are starting a class.
Claire comes running into the group, as Bob enters behind
her, wearing the pink hoodie. It's way too small, and
doesn't quite cover his belly. He sits with the parents
and nods awkwardly to them. It's embarrassing.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE BACK IN ON:
INT. MODERN HOUSE - MORNING
We see the pristine living room of an expensive,
architectural house.
MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Woody.
(GETTING ANGRY)
Woody Stevens!
We see WOODY STEVENS, 40s, handsome, but with shifty eyes
and a Michael Keaton hairline, walk through the stylish
house speaking into a cordless headset.
WOODY
.No, you listen to me. You're not
going to push me around. We agreed on a
price, and that's the price I'll pay. If
you don't like it, walk away... but you
can kiss your business good bye, because
that's what happens when you screw with
Woody Stevens. You go down. Hard.
As Woody talks, he passes by framed magazine covers of a
beautiful model, (CLAUDIA) as well as some pictures of
his wedding day with her, their exotic vacations, and one
blownup glamour shot of Woody, shirtless, oiled and
holding a greasy wrench.
WOODY (CONT'D)
.No, money's not the problem (LAUGHS)
Money's never a problem. You just need
to honor the correct price. Got it?
Woody gets his answer, and angrily throws the headset
down on a stack of moving boxes. He marches to the front
door and throws it open.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 8.
EXT. WOODY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Woody yells out the front door.
WOODY
.Then go home, Toby! You make me sick!
ANGLE ON: The front yard. A ten-year-old boy is
standing with a rake, surrounded by leaves. He clicks
off his cellphone and shrugs.
TOBY
I can't do this many leaves for ten
bucks! It'll take two hours!
WOODY
Well, you should have thought of that
before you put the "any yard for ten
bucks" flyer on the telephone pole.
You're done on this block, now. And that
goes for your band fund-raisers, too.
I'm not buying any candy bars no matter
what parade you dorks have to get to!
Woody slams the door closed. Toby kicks at a pile of
leaves, then starts home.
FADE OUT:
FADE BACK IN ON:
INT. CLUTTERED OFFICE - MORNING
We see an office crowded with disassembled Apple
computers, motherboards, and abandoned monitors.
COMPUTER VOICE
Dudley?
ANGLE ON: DUDLEY FRANK (late 30s), an odd-looking, curly-
haired guy with black plastic glasses that are slightly
too big for his face. He stares at a computer in front
of him.
DUDLEY
Yeah, hey, Mac. How's it go--
COMPUTER VOICE
It is now nine o'clock am.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 9.
DUDLEY
Thanks, Mac. Open internet, okay?
A pause.
COMPUTER VOICE
Command unknown.
DUDLEY
Mac. Open. Internet.
A pause.
COMPUTER VOICE
It is now nine o'clock am.
DUDLEY
Alright, Mac. I'll show you.
Dudley clicks a few keys and nods satisfactorily.
COMPUTER VOICE
Internet open.
Dudley laughs good-naturedly.
DUDLEY
Right, because I just opened it.
(SIGHS)
I guess I need to research alternative
specs.
COMPUTER VOICE
Searching "alternative sex."
DUDLEY
What? No!
Dudley jumps forward and starts hitting the keys.
COMPUTER VOICE
Two million websites found.
DUDLEY
I didn't want to search that! I said
specs... "all the data to be compiled."
COMPUTER VOICE
Searching "sex all the day with child."
DUDLEY
Ahhh, No!!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 10.
Dudley frantically starts ripping the power wires out of
the computer. The monitor goes dark. Dudley touches it
sadly, then looks over at a cat sitting on the edge of
the desk.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
(TO CAT)
Looks like it's still just you and me,
icat.
Dudley reaches out to pet the cat. It hisses at him
angrily, and he quickly pulls his hand back.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Sorry.
CUT TO:
INT. DOUG MATTHEW'S OFFICE - THAT AFTERNOON
DOUG, now in his lab coat, sits at his desk, playing with
a model of a mouth. The phone rings and Doug answers it.
DOUG
(INTO PHONE)
Hey, honey.
INTERCUT WITH KELLY: On the phone at home.
KELLY
You busy?
DOUG
Me? Oh, yeah. I've got a mouth right
here in front of me.
Doug takes a dental tool and hammers on the plastic
mouth.
KELLY
Don't they mind you being on the phone?
DOUG
Well, it's not attached to a head,
really. More research.
Doug hits the mouth too hard and all the teeth fall out.
He fumbles to stop them from scattering everywhere.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 11.
KELLY
Oh. Well, I just wanted to tell you I
found a great rate for the Ritz-Carlton
tomorrow night. I Thought it might be
romantic. Mom can stay here with Billy.
DOUG
I don't know. Do you think we really
need to stay at a hotel? I mean, Billy
has his own room. Why don't we just buy
new sheets? Like, hotel-colored ones.
It'll be like the Ritz, but we won't have
to pay to make phone calls!
KELLY
DOUG--
DOUG
What? I'm just saying--
Suddenly, the speaker comes on overhead.
VOICE ON SPEAKER
Dr. Matthews? Patient emergency in room
eight.
Doug snaps to attention.
DOUG
Emergency?
(INTO PHONE)
I've got to go! Emergency!
Doug jumps out of his seat and scrambles over his desk
and out the door.
INT. DENTAL EXAM ROOM - A SECOND LATER
Doug flies into an exam room, where a hygienist, DANA, is
looking into a male patient's mouth.
DANA
Doctor Matthews. Finally. Take a look
at this.
Doug looks in the man's mouth and nods.
DOUG
Acute molar abscess. That's going to
need emergency surgery.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 12.
DANA
That's what I thought. Thank God you got
here.
DOUG
Yeah.
(BEAT)
Well, let's send him over to an
Orthopedic surgeon.
DANA
Absolutely. Thanks, doctor.
Doug nods. He looks around for something else to do, but
there's nothing. He moves a dental tool away from the
edge of a tray, smiles politely and exits.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOUG'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
DOUG, looking depressed, pulls into the driveway. He
looks over and sees BILLY and three of his friends
shooting baskets. He smiles, gets out of the car and
struts over.
DOUG
(TO KIDS)
Yo! Matthews is open.
Billy looks up and cringes a little bit, but passes the
ball to DOUG. Doug dribbles it under his leg and charges
the basket.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Taking it into the paint. Who's got the
D? Whoop, too late, dudes! Booya!
Doug jumps up to slam the ball, but only hammers it into
the rim. The rim clangs loudly and the ball goes flying
backwards. Billy's friends laugh a little. Doug
notices.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Well, that's not really my shot. I
usually hit from downtown, you know?
Doug grabs the ball out of the bushes and dribbles back
to the three point line.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 13.
DOUG (CONT'D)
That's where the big games get won. Back
here from the three--
Doug swivels, jumps up and releases the ball. It heads
towards the basket, then falls down five feet before it.
It looks more like a pass than a shot. Billy hangs his
head, humiliated.
DOUG (CONT'D)
That was a pass, dudes!
It wasn't.
Doug nods with false confidence to the kids, stands there
awkwardly for a moment, then quietly heads inside.
INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER
DOUG enters and finds KELLY. She smiles and kisses him.
KELLY
Hey, honey. Snack?
Kelly hands Doug a sandwich bag of celery. He looks over
to the table, where Kelly has laid out Ritz crackers
covered in cheez whiz, for the kids. Doug puts the bag
of celery down.
DOUG
I'm okay. I think I'm just going to go
meet the guys for a beer.
KELLY
Okay. Lite beer, if you want to stick to
that diet.
DOUG
Right. Yes. Lite beer. No carbs. Just
delicious beer... water.
Doug smiles and heads upstairs. Kelly looks concerned.
CUT TO:
INT. DOUG'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER
Doug enters his bedroom and shuts the door behind him.
He sits down on the bed and lets out a long sigh.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 14.
After a moment, he gets up and walks over to the closet.
He opens it and we see: A leather biker jacket, leather
chaps, boots, gloves, a black "half-helmet," etc. For
the first time, we see a genuine smile come over Doug's
face.
MUSIC CUE: IGGY POP'S "REAL WILD ONE (WILD CHILD)"
EXT. DOUG'S DRIVEWAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER
The garage door on Doug's house rolls open like a theater
curtain, and Doug, wearing the full leather biker getup,
idles out of the garage on a gleaming, chromed-out Harley
Davidson Fatboy. He looks around the neighborhood
cockily, smiles, then kicks the bike into gear and rides
into the street. The camera rotates around him and comes
to rest on the back of his jacket, where we see a large
patch that reads "Wild Hogs." The camera ZOOMS IN ON
THIS, and it becomes:
TITLE CARD
MUSIC CUE CONTINUES OVER FOLLOWING SCENES:
EXT. BOB LEVENSTEIN'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
BOB creeps through the living room. From the kitchen, we
can hear KAREN, HALEY and CLAIRE screaming things at him,
about him, etc. He just tip-toes to the hall closet and
opens the door. We don't see what's in it, but see Bob
smile the same way Doug did, and...
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BOB'S DRIVEWAY - A MINUTE LATER
BOB, in leather biker gear, rolls out of his garage on
another shimmering Harley Davidson. He looks around
through his mirrored aviator sunglasses like a complete
bad ass. He looks down the street and spots DOUG, riding
towards him. Bob rides down the driveway and joins
alongside Doug. They nod silently to each other and tap
fists like the toughest guys in the world. We see Bob is
also wearing a "Wild Hogs" jacket.
EXT. WOODY'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
WOODY walks through the courtyard, and into a pristine
garage.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 15.
He passes by a BMW 645, several stacks of labelled moving
boxes, and finally a beautiful Harley Davidson Softail
Anniversary Edition.
A MINUTE LATER, Woody pulls onto the street on his
Harley. DOUG and BOB turn the corner and nod to him.
Woody nods back, revs his engine, and joins alongside
them.
EXT. DUDLEY'S COMPUTER-CLUTTERED GARAGE - SAME TIME
We see a garage crowded with disassembled Apple
computers, printers, and a Harley Davidson Sportster.
Out walks DUDLEY, who's biker outfit doesn't quite mesh
with his thick-lensed eyeglasses.
Dudley cockily pulls on a "Wild Hogs" jacket, kick starts
the motorcycle, presses a button to open the garage door,
and rides the motorcycle out. However, as he gets
halfway out of the garage, the garage door catches on
something, and snaps back down. It clotheslines Dudley
off the bike, which rolls down the driveway and into some
garbage cans. Dudley lays in the driveway, staring up at
the sky with a pained look on his face.
EXT. DUDLEY'S DRIVEWAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DOUG, BOB and WOODY ride towards Dudley's house, but find
DUDLEY sitting in his driveway with his arms around his
knees. He shrugs and motions to his motorcycle - Which
he has stood back up, but has a bent wheel and smashed
headlight. Doug and Bob take in the situation and then
look at Woody. Woody rolls his eyes...
EXT. STREET - LATER
DOUG, BOB and WOODY ride along. We see DUDLEY is riding
bitch on Woody's bike, and Woody doesn't seem thrilled
about it. The camera pans around and we see they are all
wearing "Wild Hogs" jackets. And on this, we:
END MUSIC CUE
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. "BYKER'S ISLAND" BIKER BAR - LATER
The guys pull up at a biker-theme bar with a motorcycle
mounted above the entrance.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 16.
Woody is obviously humiliated to have Dudley behind him,
as they park the bikes among a crowd of other bikers.
Dudley climbs off the back of Woody's bike and pats him
on the shoulder.
DUDLEY
Thanks, Woody. I feel really safe with
you.
WOODY
I noticed that. And if you ever lay your
head on my back when you're riding bitch
again, I'm going to throw you into
traffic.
DUDLEY
I was trying to keep my face out of the
wind.
WOODY
I felt you smell my hair!
DOUG
Guys! Come on. Let's go get a brew.
I'm buying.
Doug heads into the bar.
BOB
You're cool with the carbs?
Doug pauses, without turning around.
DOUG
(MUMBLES)
I can have a light.
Doug continues into the bar, but now with less swagger.
INT. "BYKER'S ISLAND" BIKER BAR - A MOMENT LATER
The guys are sitting at a worn table. The place is
crowded with curiously gentle-looking bikers. Woody
looks around the bar with a smirk.
WOODY
Man, I wish we could find a place that
wasn't so freaking lame.
BOB
What are you talking about? This place
is cool. We're with other bikers.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 17.
Suddenly, a large, bald biker comes up and slams a beer
down on their table.
BALD BIKER
(ANGRILY)
Wild Hogs aren't welcome here!
The guys all look at him for a beat - then the Bald guy
cracks a smile.
DOUG
Hey, Paul.
PAUL laughs at his joke.
PAUL
Hey, guys... Woody, your tax return is
almost done, but I want to talk to you
next week about incorporating. A lot of
my executive clients have been--
WOODY
Yeah, Paul. I'll talk to you about it on
the trip.
PAUL
Yeah, we'll talk about in Daytona.
(angrily, to group)
What the hell are you staring at!?
Paul glares at the other guys for a beat, then cracks up.
PAUL (CONT'D)
(LAUGHING)
See you guys.
Paul exits. Woody shakes his head.
WOODY
This place sucks. Why are we going to
Daytona with these posers?
DOUG
Because it's Bike Week. That's our
annual trip, Woody. We're Wild Hogs.
WOODY
We're not Wild Hogs. That's a patch your
wife made and we all had to sew it on our
jackets so she didn't feel bad.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 18.
DOUG
Hey! She took an embroidery class for
those. What has your wife ever made us?
BOB
(QUIETLY)
Hard.
WOODY
Hey!?
BOB
Sorry. I didn't... Don't tell her.
DOUG
It's not a big secret, Bob. She's a
swimsuit model. She's hot. I mean, so
is my Kelly. She's very hot. Even after
ten years. Not that I'm not still good
looking...
Doug looks at the guys. They don't respond.
WOODY
We're not going to say you're hot, man.
DOUG
Because it's gay, or because I'm not?
WOODY
There's no non-gay response to that.
DUDLEY
(TO DOUG)
If I were a girl, I'd be attracted to
you.
WOODY
Point proven.
BOB
Well, Kelly must still think you're hot.
Ten years, man. How's that feel?
DOUG
I don't know. Good, I guess. Is ten the
silver anniversary?
DUDLEY
No, that's the 25th. Ten is aluminum.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 19.
DOUG
Aluminum? Like, siding?
(considers, then)
Yeah, that feels about right. Aluminum
is sturdy, lightweight... recycled.
Woody smiles and puts a map down on the table.
WOODY
--And ready for the trip of a lifetime.
The guys look at the map, puzzled.
DOUG
We don't need a map for Daytona. We just
follow the group.
Woody takes a drink from his beer, then looks at the
group with a mischievous fire behind his eyes.
WOODY
Not if we don't go on the Daytona trip.
DOUG
What?
DUDLEY
Noooo!!
WOODY
Guys, listen to me. It's time for a
change. Let's go on our own trip this
year. Just us, like it was in college.
Forget these guys. Forget Daytona beach.
Bike Week is just corporate white guys
playing dress up. This bar is, too. And
we didn't get into this to play dress up -
we got in this to live. "Be cool and
Ride free." That's the Wild Hog creed.
DOUG
No, it's not. It's the slogan for the
Downtown trolley.
WOODY
I know. But, it works as our creed, too.
So let's live it!
DUDLEY
But, I boogie board in Daytona. Can't
our creed be "Be cool and boogie board?"
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 20.
WOODY
No. That's dumb, Dudley. Let the big
people talk.
DOUG
Well, what kind of trip are you
suggesting? Another bike week somewhere?
WOODY
No. That's the best part. We don't do
some planned out trip. We follow the
open road. U.S. 50. The backbone of
America. We take a week and go all the
way to San Francisco. Think about it,
guys. Camping out, stopping wherever we
want, whenever we want... Just freedom.
When was the last time we had that?
The guys consider this, but look sceptical.
BOB
I don't know, man.
WOODY
You're afraid to ask your wife.
BOB
(COVERING)
No...
WOODY
(TO DOUG)
What do you think?
DOUG
Well, Daytona isn't the "backbone of
America," but it is a tradition. We've
been riding with this club for years. Do
we really want to miss out on that?
One of the bikers, KENT, approaches carrying a box.
KENT
Hey, dudes. Check these out.
Kent holds up a sleeveless t-shirt with a big cartoon guy
on a motorcycle - with the words "Born to Be Wild!
Daytona ride, 2005." It's horrifying.
KENT (CONT'D)
We're all going to wear these on the
trip.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 21.
KENT (CONT'D)
That way everyone will know we're from
the Cincinnati chapter. It'll also get
you ten percent off at T.G.I.Fridays.
DUDLEY
Cool! Born to be wild!
Dudley grabs a shirt and starts to pull it over the t-
shirt he already has on. Woody gives a look to Bob and
Doug.
DOUG
Look, We'll talk about it tomorrow. But
we don't need some trip to go "live." We
are living. Free and wild.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - THE NEXT EVENING
The anniversary party is in full swing. DOUG is watching
several guests dish steaming pasta and cream sauce out of
a chaffing dish. He looks down at his plate of field
greens and skinless chicken breast.
DOUG
(TO HIMSELF)
Free and wild.
Doug looks around the party. Several middle-aged couples
are dancing on the living room floor. Others mingle,
laughing... Everyone is having a great time, except Doug,
who stands there, listless.
Kelly walks up and kisses him on the cheek.
KELLY
Hey, sweetie. Having fun?
DOUG
Yeah. It's getting pretty late, though.
Maybe we should kill the music. Drop a
hint.
KELLY
It's eight O'Clock. It started at seven.
DOUG
oh.
(THEN)
Still, that's late. We should just
flicker the lights on and off. People
will get it.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 22.
KELLY
People are having fun. Look at the
Miltons.
ANGLE ON: THE LIVING ROOM. A happy-looking couple, THE
MILTONS, are dancing around to Prince's "1999." Doug
laughs.
DOUG
Oh, man. There should be laws against
that... Is Fred having a seizure?
KELLY
No, Fred's having a good time. With his
wife. Remember what that was like?
DOUG
Hey, we have fun all the time. But I'm
not going to let myself look like that.
He wears dress socks with shorts, too.
I've seen it. Do you want me to do that?
KELLY
I don't care. Why do you?
Doug searches for a response, as ROGER, 70, Kelly's Dad,
clinks his wine glass at the front of the room.
ROGER
Excuse me, everybody. I have a little
toast. For my daughter and her husband.
Roger winks at Doug and Kelly. Doug smiles weakly.
DOUG
(sotto, to Kelly)
He's drunk. We should do something.
ROGER
I want to start by saying how proud I am
of my son-in-law.
DOUG
(sotto, to Kelly)
--No, he's fine. Let him talk.
ROGER
Now, I have to make an admission. Ten
years ago, when Doug and Kelly got
married. I was worried. Doug was a
little wild...
The guests laugh. Doug gives an unsure chuckle.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 23.
ROGER (CONT'D)
I mean, he had that old trans-am with the
huge engine... Remember how he'd peel
out of anywhere? Even the grocery
parking lot after buying baby formula?
The guests laugh again. Now Doug isn't.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Or the way he'd just grab Kelly and run
off to some crazy island to snorkel with
something that thinks you're lunch.
The guests continue to laugh. Kelly looks at Doug, now.
She sees this is landing on him. He's getting upset.
ROGER (CONT'D)
But, not anymore. He's now become the
son-in-law I would have always hoped for.
Responsible, reliable, and a great
husband to my daughter. So cheers to--
DOUG
No, no. No cheers-- Because that wasn't
an accurate toast. I'm still the same,
shitty son-in-law I used to be.
The guests laugh. They think he's joking.
ROGER
Come on, Doug. You should be proud!
You've grown up! Cheers!
The guests nod and clink their glasses. Doug shakes his
head.
DOUG
Grown up? No, I haven't. I'm still
young. No cheers! Stop clinking!
KELLY
Doug, stop it. You're being rude.
DOUG
Well, tell them I'm the same as I used to
be, Kelly. Tell your Dad not to like me.
KELLY
You're not the same, Doug. The old Doug
wouldn't have made fun of Fred Milton for
dancing, because he would have been out
there dancing himself. With me.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 24.
DOUG
So what are you saying?
KELLY
I'm saying you have changed. And
frankly, i don't like it. I like you the
way you were. I liked it when you
weren't afraid of looking stupid. I
liked it when we laughed. I liked it
when we danced.
DOUG
Hey, I'll dance! It's just this music is
lame. People like me need a fresh beat!
Doug walks over to the stereo and changes the station.
"Cand Sho " h y-50 Cent starts playing. Doug nods along
with the beat, as the guests all now stare at him.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(yelling over music)
Awwww, yeah. This is the shit! It ain't
1980 anymore, man. Yeah!
(SINGS ALONG)
I take you to the... Andy shop--
Doug tries to confidently sing along, but struggles
awkwardly, as he's obviously never heard the song before.
KELLY
(urging, to Doug)
Honey, stop it. You're being an ass.
DOUG
What!? I thought this was what you
wanted? I'm dancing!
Doug starts grinding and shimmying to the beat. Kelly
grits her teeth.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Come on, baby! Just because we're
married ten years doesn't mea n we're old
people. Let's dance! It fee ls goooood!
Doug makes another spastic dance move, then suddenly
grimaces and grabs his chest.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Nope, that feels bad--
KELLY
Doug? What's wrong? Are you okay?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 25.
DOUG
Yeah. I'm just-- Ow: That's-- Yeah, I
should go to the hospital--
Doug staggers across the carpet as people run to help
him.
KELLY
Doug!?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - AN HOUR LATER
Doug is in a bed, with Kelly next to him. A DOCTOR
enters with a chart.
DOCTOR
Well, Mr. Matthews--
DOUG
Dr. Matthews, actually.
DOCTOR
Oh, really? Great. Then, I can say this
a lot easier. You had a hypertensive
myocardial seizure.
Doug nods confidently, then, after a moment:
DOUG
(DEFEATED)
I'm a dentist, actually... I have no
idea what you just said.
DOCTOR
Oh. Sorry. It looks like you had a
stress-induced panic attack.
DOUG
Stress-induced? I'm not stressed.
DOCTOR
Well, it's probably been pretty buried. I
actually see it a lot with middle-aged men.
Work, family, it can take a toll on you.
DOUG
I'm not middle-aged.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 26.
DOCTOR
Yeah, I see that a lot, too. Anyway. We
should have you out of here soon.
The doctor smiles and exits the room. Kelly looks at
Doug.
DOUG
I am middle aged, aren't I?
KELLY
Only mathematically.
Doug takes this in.
KELLY (CONT'D)
Doug, Let me ask you a question. When
was the last time you sang a Bon Jovi
song?
DOUG
What?
KELLY
You used to sing Bon Jovi songs at the
top of your lungs. Like you didn't care
who heard you, or how dopey it sounded.
Then one day, you just stopped. That's
how it's been with everything. Romance,
sense of humor, the way you used to give
me that cocky little wink when you took
off your shirt... It's all faded away,
leaving just a shell of what you used to
be. Why? Why no more Bon Jovi songs?
DOUG
I don't know. There's just a lot
weighing me down these days, you know?
KELLY
Like what? You have a great career, a
perfect family. Money is fine. The only
thing that could be weighing you down is
me. Is it me? Are you tired of me?
DOUG
No! of course, not. I could never be
TIRED OF--
Doug stops himself, as it dawns on him. You can see the
horror of realization creep across his face. He looks at
Kelly, wide-eyed.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 27.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(REALIZING)
It's me. I'm weighing me down. I'm not
a guy I'd hang out with anymore, I'm...
Me. What's cool about me? I don't even
eat carbs.
KELLY
Then eat them. I'd rather have you sing
than have a thirty-four waist.
DOUG
I still have a thirty--
KELLY
No, you don't, Doug. I buy your pants.
(THEN)
Look. We've been married ten years. And
personally, I'd like to be married fifty
more, but if you stay like this...
Then... I don't know...
DOUG
We are going to be married fifty more
years, Kelly. I'm going to find old
Doug. I just have to figure out where to
look.
Kelly takes a breath, and pulls out a map. She hands it
to Doug, who looks at it.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Woody's map?
KELLY
I took it away from him at the party. He
wouldn't stop waving it at Bob and
Dudley.
DOUG
I thought you agreed it was a bad idea.
KELLY
It might be. But I'm desperate, Doug. I
want us to be happy again. So go on it.
It's my anniversary present to you.
DOUG
Really?
(considers, then)
I only got you an ankle bracelet.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 28.
KELLY
All I want is old Doug back. Please.
This marriage can't survive without him.
Doug takes this in, and smiles at her. She's a good
wife, and he knows it. Suddenly, BOB enters the room.
BOB
Doug! Are you okay?
DOUG
Yeah, I'm okay. Just stress.
BOB
Oh, man. Thank god.
KELLY
(TO BOB)
Where's Karen?
BOB
Oh, she's waiting in the parking--
SFX: A loud honk from the parking lot.
BOB (CONT'D)
That's her.
Bob looks out the window nervously. Kelly looks at Doug.
KELLY
You all need this trip.
Doug gives her a knowing nod, then turns to Bob.
DOUG
Bob. Let's forget about Daytona Bike
week. Let's ride across U.S. 50.
BOB
Yeah? Are you sure? I mean, We'll be
leaving behind everything we're used to.
SFX: The horn honks again from outside.
KAREN (O.C.)
(yelling from parking lot)
Bob!? You said two minutes! I'm not
circling!!
Bob cringes. Doug shares a look with Kelly, then to Bob:
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 29.
DOUG
Yeah. I think that might be okay.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET - THE NEXT WEEK
DOUG is riding his Harley, which is loaded with gear
(sleeping bag, spare gas tank, saddle bags). He
approaches a freeway entrance ramp, where WOODY and
DUDLEY and BOB are waiting on their bikes, next to an
entrance ramp sign that reads: U.S. Highway 50. The guys
all tap fists, then notice Dudley is grinning ear to ear.
WOODY
(TO DUDLEY)
What? What's wrong with you?
DUDLEY
I got a tat.
BOB
A tattoo? You got a tattoo?
DUDLEY
I'm a biker, dude! I got a tat!
Dudley yanks his jacket down to his elbows and we see he
is wearing a sleeveless shirt underneath. On his bicep
is a tattoo of the Macintosh Apple. The guys nod, trying
to look impressed.
DOUG
Wow. That's...
DUDLEY
Trademarked, I know. But what are they
going to do? It's in my skin, bitch!
Dudley laughs and pulls on his jacket, as Woody ties a
bandana skull-cap on his head. The guys look at Woody.
DOUG
You're not wearing a helmet?
WOODY
Nape. I don't want anything between me
and the road, man.
DOUG
You will if your head falls on it.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 30.
Woody shrugs and starts his bike.
WOODY
Look, the only rule on this trip is to
have no plan. We're riding to San
Francisco, and nothing else is planned.
Just riding free.
DOUG
Well, if we're going to make it in five
days, we'll should probably get to
Illinois by tonight.
BOB
Yeah, the way I mapped it out - we should
be a hundred miles past St. Louis by
sundown.
WOODY
What? No. No plan. It's the open road.
Who knows where we'll be.
DOUG
I do. I have this little GPS system.
Doug shows them a handheld GPS system. Woody grabs it
and throws it into a storm drain.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Hey! What the hell, man? That was
expensive!
WOODY
I did it for the good of the trip, Doug.
You don't need GPS to discover America.
We just need the wind, our bikes, and
freedom. And if we have an emergency, I
always have a cell phone--
Woody takes out a cellphone. Doug grabs it and throws it
in the storm drain.
DOUG
Hah! How's that feel?
Woody gives Doug a long look, then slowly smiles.
WOODY
It felt good. It felt damn good.
(ANNOUNCES)
No cell phones!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 31.
DOUG
(WORRIED)
What?
BOB
He's right, Doug. Wild Hogs!
Bob takes his cellphone and throws it in the storm drain.
DOUG
(TO BOB)
You just did that so Karen wouldn't call.
BOB
Yup.
Bob starts his bike.
DOUG
So we're not even going to talk about
this? I mean, shouldn't we at least--
DUDLEY
Yeeeeaaah! Freedom!!
Dudley throws his cellphone, but instead of going into
the storm drain, it goes flying into traffic and smashes
against an oncoming pickup truck. We hear the truck
screech to a stop after it passes them.
DOUG
(QUICKLY)
Okay, let's ride!
The guys all hastily start their bikes and take off up
the freeway ramp. We hear the truck driver screaming
profanities as they guiltily ride away.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY
MUSIC CUE: BLUE OYSTER CULT's "(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER."
The four guys ride along the highway, through the hills
of Indiana, smiling and nodding to each other. It's the
Easy Rider moment. The camera ROTATES AROUND and PULLS
OVERHEAD. It's beautiful country and the guys are in
heaven. Dudley wears a clunky helmet from the eighties,
as well as World War II motorcycle goggles.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 32.
A family in a station wagon pulls up to next to them.
Two kids press their faces against the windows, looking
at the bikers in awe. Bob looks over at the kids in his
mirrored sunglasses and gives them a badass nod. The
kids are amazed. Bob looks to Doug. Doug grins. They
love this. Bob gives a signal to the other guys and guns
his engine. The others nod, gun their engines and speed
away from the station wagon. The kids watch with their
mouths open.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
The guys are cruising along as before, but now we see the
sky has gotten very cloudy and overcast.
SFX: THUNDER CRACK
The guys look up at the sky apprehensively.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER
It's now pouring rain. The guys ride along in misery,
getting soaked. After a moment, the station wagon from
before pulls back up to them. The kids are still pressed
against the window, staring at the drenched bikers. Bob
looks over and tries to give them another cocky nod - but
now it's just embarrassing.
END MUSIC CUE
EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 - THAT EVENING
The sun has gone down, and the guys have found a deserted
area off the highway to set up camp. DOUG, WOODY and BOB
lounge by a fire - with a tent set up behind them. Doug
is roasting marshmallows and Bob is straining to blow up
an air mattress.
DOUG
(TO BOB)
Why didn't you just bring a sleeping bag
like us?
BOB
This is more comfortable.
(blows a breath into it)
I wish Karen would have let me buy the
foot pump, though.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 33.
Bob continues to inflate the mattress, as Dudley
approaches with a knotted plastic grocery bag.
DUDLEY
This is poop. Don't eat it.
Dudley sets the bag aside and has a seat by the fire.
DOUG
Dudley? You're supposed to bury that.
WOODY
Yes. Go bury it.
DUDLEY
It's in a plastic bag. I can't put that
in the earth. I'll find a trash bin
tomorrow.
The guys shake their heads and look back into the fire.
After a moment, Doug smiles.
DOUG
This is really nice, you know? Chilling
by the fire with your best friends. Just
relaxing, and enjoying--
WOODY
(TO DUDLEY)
I'm sorry. Dudley, you have to get rid
of that bag or I'm going to vomit in your
lap.
DOUG
--each other's company...
Dudley grabs the bag and heads off.
DUDLEY
Fine. I'll just hang it on a tree.
WOODY
(yells after him)
Don't hang it on a tree!
DOUG
Yup... These are the times we'll
remember.
After a minute, Doug turns to Woody and Bob.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 34.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Hey, when was the last time you guys
heard me sing Bon Jovi?
WOODY
Oh, man. Thank God that stopped.
BOB
It's been awhile. You're not as
obnoxious as you used to be. You used to
eat a lot more buffalo wings, too.
DOUG
Yeah, I know. Turns out there's carbs in
the batter. Hey, you know what? Maybe
carbs are what I need to get old Doug
back.
WOODY
Old Doug? You've lost your Dad?
DOUG
No. I think I've lost me. It's this
thing Kelly said.
(BEAT)
You know what it is? I think I'm tame.
I'm like a lion that used to be wild, but
now I'm in some Disney park where tourists
come by and take pictures of me like I'm a
lion, but after they leave, I go into my
kennel and eat antelope nuggets or
something. Ones without carbs.
BOB
I know what you're talking about. I
lost old Bob, too. I think my wife and
daughters killed him. I'm surrounded by
women every minute of my life. And it's
made me, you know...
DOUG
A wimp?
BOB
What? No. I was going to say miserable.
You think I'm a wimp?
DOUG
No. I just thought that was what you
were... I thought you wanted us to
guess, and I didn't have a guess, so I
said "wimp." Knowing it was wrong...
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 35.
WOODY
You're a wimp, Bob. I'll say it. You're
afraid of girls. It's embarrassing.
Dudley comes up and sits back down.
DUDLEY
I'm afraid of girls.
WOODY
You're afraid to talk to one. Bob is
afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
DUDLEY
Wow. Now I really don't want to talk to
one.
BOB
You know, it's not always so bad. Like,
when Karen sleeps, she still crawls over
and pushes up against me. Just snuggles
right up like she needs me. I like that.
I like that a lot.
(then, sobering)
Then the sun comes up and turns her into
a raging she-demon.
DOUG
Yeah, I guess life just isn't as simple
as it was when we were in college. Well,
except for you, Woody. You're still
living the fairy tale. Swimsuit model
wife. Big job at an investment firm.
You've got the good life.
Woody doesn't respond. He just stares vacantly into the
fire for a beat.
WOODY
(FLATLY)
Yeah... The good life. I'm a lucky man.
DUDLEY
My life blows. I don't have a family.
Or a wife. I have a cat that doesn't
like me. She wouldn't even stick around
if she knew how to use a can opener.
The guys all look at Dudley.
BOB
Hey, Dudley. You've got us, buddy. And
you're going to get a woman, too.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 36
BOB (CONT'D)
I told you we were going to hit some
strip clubs when we get back.
DUDLEY
Nah, I don't like those places--
BOB
Dudley-- Please. I'm trying to help you
here.
DUDLEY
I know. I just don't--
BOB
Please! Strippers are nice to me!
DUDLEY
Okay... Sorry. We'll go.
BOB
Thanks, man.
(THEN)
I'm just... trying to be a good friend.
DOUG
We know, Bob.
WOODY
I'll go, too.
DOUG
There's a surprise.
Doug pulls a flaming marshmallow out of the fire.
DOUG (CONT'D)
All right, who wants their marshmallow
well-done?
The guys just look at it.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Yeah, I left that one on too long.
Doug flips the stick and the marshmallow goes flying
behind him. The guys don't notice - but we see the
marshmallow land on the tent and continue to burn. Bob
continues to huff on the air mattress. He stops and
looks at it.
BOB
(out of breath)
I think I'm half way there.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 37.
WOODY
In just one hour.
DOUG
(TO BOB)
You sure you don't want us to spread out
a sleeping bag? We have three in the--
Doug turns around and sees a foot-wide flame now burning
on the tent.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Shit! The tent--
Doug and the guys jump up and hurry over to the tent.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Dudley, get the water jug off my bike!
Dudley hurries over to Doug's bike as Doug and Bob try to
smother the flame with sand.
DOUG (CONT'D)
It should be okay. It's fire retardant.
The guys try and extinguish the flame as Dudley comes
running with a jug. He quickly takes off the cap. Doug
notices him.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Dudley, no! That's�
It's too late. Dudley is already throwing it on the
fire. The liquid hits the tent and it explodes into
flames. The guys shield themselves.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Gas! That's the spare gas tank, Dudley!
Dudley doesn't know what to say. The fire quickly
disentergrates the tent. Doug, Bob and Woody just watch,
knowing there's nothing they can do. After a moment,
DUDLEY runs back up with the correct water jug and
empties it on what is now a flaming pile of ash. It does
nothing.
DUDLEY
We need more water.
DOUG
That was all of it, Dudley. That was all
the water we had.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 38.
DUDLEY
Oh.
Dudley takes this in for a moment.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Is anybody else thirsty?
The guys just look at him.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 -- THE NEXT MORNING
BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are all sleeping on Bob's air
mattress, like four sardines. Doug opens his eyes to see
a large figure standing at the foot of the air mattress.
It's a stern-looking highway patrolman.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
You guys all right?
DOUG
Yeah. Yeah, just on a road trip.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
All right. Just making sure.
(BEAT)
Looks pretty comfortable, actually.
We see the highway patrolman has started rubbing his
thigh. Doug quickly jumps up, waking the others.
DOUG
Okay, well... Thanks for stopping. Have
a nice day, officer.
The highway patrolman laughs.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
All right, I get it.
(WINKS)
Five's a crowd.
Doug is mortified. The officer looks them over for a
moment.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN (CONT'D)
You guys are lucky to have each other.
(looks at them hungrily)
Damn lucky.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 39.
DUDLEY
(OBLIVIOUS)
That's what I always say.
Dudley gets up and puts his arm around Doug. We see he's
wearing a saggy pair of briefs and nothing else.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
Well... Have a good one.
The patrolman walks off. Dudley looks at Doug and grins.
DUDLEY
Morning.
DOUG
Please put your pants on.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
The guys cruise through the rolling prairies of Missouri.
It's another beautiful day. They ride in formation,
until Woody's bandana doo-rag blows off. Woody goes back
to get it. The other guys stop and wait for him to
return.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER
The guys are still riding - but now the heat of the
Missouri plains is taking it's toll. They look boiling,
and have sweated through their clothes. Bob takes a
drink of water from a bottle of water, then pours the
water over his head. He breathes a sigh of relief, until
he hears an angry yell behind him. He looks back and
sees Woody is now drenched from the water. Bob smiles
sheepishly as Woody burns.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY
The guys ride through the forested Ozark uplands, looking
even hotter than before. Doug spots a waterfall pouring
into a crystal clear spring, and points to it. The guys
nod in agreement.
CUT TO:
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 40.
EXT. BLANCHARD SPRINGS, OZARK NATIONAL FOREST - LATER
DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY wade into the spring water in
their boxers. You can see on their faces that it's like
dipping into heaven. After a moment, BOB walks up.
BOB
Thanks for waiting for me, jerks.
The guys look up to see that Bob is naked. He smiles and
cannonballs into the water.
BOB (CONT'D)
Whhheew: Yeah! That's c-c-cold:
He sees DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are just staring at him.
BOB (CONT'D)
What?
WOODY
Why are you naked?
BOB
We're swimming. You guys kept on your
skivies?
DOUG
Skivies? What are you, a Newsie?
DUDLEY
I kept mine on because I didn't want
everyone to see my crank.
WOODY
(TO BOB)
Yeah. That, and being naked with a bunch
of guys is gay. What's wrong with you?
BOB
I don't know. We took showers and stuff
together in college. I thought this was
kind of... you know, the same.
DOUG
I guess I get that.
(THINKS)
I mean, we would have been naked in
college. Why are we... Oh, man. It's
true. We are tamed. We're old guys.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 41.
WOODY
No, we're not. Don't say that.
Doug wiggles his boxers off and holds them in the air.
DOUG
I will find old Doug!
Doug smiles and throws his shorts on the shore. Dudley
smiles, takes off his briefs and holds them up.
DUDLEY
I will... Do what Doug does!
Dudley throws the briefs to shore. They all look at
Woody. He rolls his eyes and takes off his boxers.
WOODY
I will be naked with my gay friends, and
if they look at my jock, I will kill
them.
Woody throws the boxers to shore. The guys all look at
each other and smile. It's a nice moment.
Until a family approaches.
Doug looks at the other guys, wide-eyed, as a family with
three young kids walks up with a picnic basket. The
young kids run and jump into the water. The Dad of the
family laughs and shakes his head.
FAMILY DAD
Hope you guys don't mind a little
company. The mini-van was getting a
LITTLE--
The Dad stops talking as he sees into the water... He
realizes, then looks at his kids, concerned.
DOUG
Um... Well, we're just taking a dip. I
UH--
WOODY
There's a shallower spring up the path.
The kids might like that even more...
The Mom lays down a blanket and turns to the guys. The
Dad is still staring, not sure what to do.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 42.
FAMILY MOM
(TO WOODY)
Oh, no. These little squirts like to
DIVE AND--
The Mom sees a glimmer of something through the water,
and realizes. She suddenly looks very uncomfortable.
FAMILY MOM (CONT'D)
(VERY TENSE)
Janey, Kyle, Holland. Out of the water.
We're going to find a new spot.
JANEY
No, Mama. This place has little rocks
THAT--
FAMILY MOM
Get out of the damn water! Now!
The kids climb out of the water and the parents hurry off
with them down the path. After a moment of awkward
silence, Doug looks at the guys.
DOUG
We should go.
BOB
You think? They're gone, now.
WOODY
Yeah, we could stay another few--
VOICE (O.C.)
Whhheeeeew!
The guys look to the other side of the spring to see the
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN cannonball naked into the spring. They
stare, horrified, as he pops up and smiles at them.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
Saw you're bikes out there. You guys
ever chicken fight?
The guys look at each other for a moment, then;
DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
Ahhhh! / Oh, god! / Run!
They frantically sprint out of the water, grab their
clothes and hurry away.
DISSOLVE TO:
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 43.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATE THAT AFTERNOON
The guys are back on their bikes, cruising along the
wheat fields of Kansas. They're looking tired once
again, but suddenly Doug smiles...
On the horizon, a bar comes into view. Out front are
several rows of Harley Davidsons. Doug points it out to
the guys and they all smile. It's like an oasis.
The pull into the parking lot and climb off their bikes.
Bob immediately falls to the ground.
BOB
Dammit! Leg's asleep.
The guys go to help Bob up, as Dudley gets off his bike
and falls to the ground.
DUDLEY
Me, too.
DOUG
You guys have to shift every once in
awhile. Blood has to circulate.
A MOMENT LATER. Dudley and Bob are up and wiggling their
sleeping limbs, as Woody looks up at the bar.
WOODY
Now this is the best part of any road
trip. Seeing our brothers on wheels.
Look at this place. America!
The guys look at it and nod. It is a cool looking shack
of a bar. Doug admires the row of motorcycles out front.
DOUG
Look at these bikes. They're all
classics.
BOB
Oh, man. Check it out. A 1951 Panhead.
You know how rare this thing is?
The guys all crowd around the bike.
DOUG
Yeah, but why didn't he customize it?
You have a 51 panhead and you don't
chrome out the exhaust? Or airbrush an
eagle on the gas tank? What a waste.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 44.
WOODY
Probably no good custom stores out here
in hick-land. We'll leave 'em a catalog.
The guys push open the door and step into the bar.
INT. BIKER BAR - CONTINUOUS
The bar is full of bikers, but not the kind we saw
before. These guys are greasy, tattooed and menacing.
We see their jackets say "Hells Angels." The bikers turn
and stare at WOODY, DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY.
DOUG
(TO BIKERS)
How's it going?
BOB
Hells Angels, huh? You guys are legends.
I'm surprised we've never seen you in
Daytona.
The bikers kind of chuckle to themselves. The leader of
the gang, JACK, steps forward. He's in his late 40's -
and looks like he could break you into bite size pieces.
JACK
Yeah, how do we keep missing that?
The bikers all laugh. Doug and the guys join in, though
they don't quite get what's so funny.
JACK (CONT'D)
So you re "Wild Hogs," huh? That's your
gang?
DOUG
Well, not a gang. Just friends. Friends
that ride... you know.
JACK
So it's like a little hobby for you guys?
How sweet.
Doug smiles, but is now sensing the hostility. He looks
back for the exit.
DUDLEY
(TO JACK)
Yeah, just a little hobby for us.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 45.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
We're all successful professionals in
real life. But on Tuesday and Sunday
afternoons... We're bikers!
Dudley spins around and shows them the back of his
jacket.
JACK
Wow. That's great. Can I try that on?
DUDLEY
Hell yeah, brother.
Dudley whips his jacket off and hands it to Jack, who
pulls it on his massive frame. He shows it to the gang,
who laugh again. Dudley does, too.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
So who's '51 panhead is that? Sweet
ride. Woody has a catalog so you can
make it cool.
WOODY
No, I don't. Doug does. I think it's
great the way it is.
Doug glares at Woody incredulously. Woody shrugs.
JACK
(TO DUDLEY)
Well, if you like my '51, we should
trade... "brother."
DOUG
DUDLEY--
DUDLEY
(IGNORING DOUG)
I wish! I just have a Sportster. It's
worth, like, half of yours.
JACK
A Sportster!? That's what I grew up on.
I've been wanting another Sportster.
It's a deal!
DUDLEY
Seriously? You're serious!?
DOUG
Dudley, maybe you should--
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 46.
DUDLEY
Doug, don't worry. Yeah, I'll have a
cooler bike than you, but that doesn't
mean I'll get all cocky.
DOUG
DUDLEY--
DUDLEY
Hey, I don't care what you say! I ride a
panhead now! I'm better than you!
JACK
Come on, Dud. Let's go see how you look
on it.
Jack smiles and leads Dudley outside. Doug, Bob and
Woody share an uncertain look.
WOODY
Anybody else got that "pre-rape" feeling?
EXT. BIKER BAR - CONTINUOUS
Everyone is standing out front. Dudley starts to get on
the classic motorcycle. Jack stops him.
JACK
Oh, no, no. That's Oilcan's ride. My
' 51 panhead is right over there.
Jack points to a pile of abandoned rusty motorcycles.
Among it is the junked carcass of a '51 panhead next to
an old, rusty sidecar. Dudley looks confused.
DUDLEY
That? That's a piece of junk.
JACK
Yup. Your piece of junk.
Woody, Doug and Bob look at each other. This isn't good.
Doug tries to laugh it off.
DOUG
All right, guys. We get the joke... Good
one. Anyway, we actually should get
moving along.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 47.
JACK
Oh, it's no joke. You want to know the
joke? Suburban assholes that buy leather
outfits and think they're bikers. And
it's a joke I'm damn sick of. So I'm
keeping your friend's bike, I'm keeping
this jacket, and you guys are going to
turn the hell around and go back to
wherever you came from, because the next
hundred miles of this highway belongs to
the Hells Angels.
The color drains from the Wild Hog's faces.
DUDLEY
Like an adopt a highway thing?
JACK
Like a "Go home or we're going to split
your skulls open" thing.
Bob makes an audible whimper. Doug elbows him, and tries
to look brave.
DOUG
All right. We respect that this is your
turf, and we're sorry for bothering you.
But we can't head back without my
friend's bike. So clearly we're going to
have to work something out here.
Jack looks back at the Hells Angels and nods.
JACK
You're right. We're going to have to
work something out.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER
We see DOUG, BOB and WOODY riding away from the bar,
looking very glum. The camera PULLS OUT to reveal the
rusty sidecar is now attached to Woody's bike. DUDLEY
sits in it looking miserable and cold (having lost his
jacket and now in his sleeveless shirt).
The guys get a good distance away from the bar and Woody
waves for them to stop. They do and Woody looks back to
the bar.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 48.
WOODY
All right. Let's just give them a few
minutes to get back inside - then shoot
right past them.
BOB
What? Are you nuts?
DOUG
The trip's over, Woody. Let's just head
back home.
WOODY
We're going to turn back after all these
miles? Just because some fat bully's
pushed us around?
DOUG BOB
Yes. Yes.
Woody shakes his head and looks at Dudley.
DUDLEY
I go wherever you go.
WOODY
Good. See? Dudley's got some balls.
DUDLEY
No, my sidecar's just attached to your
bike. I'd prefer to turn back, but I
could only roll so far...
WOODY
I can't believe you guys. What a bunch
of pussies. The whole point of this trip
is to live, man.
DOUG
That's the point, Woody. Our lives
aren't on this highway. They're back
home. We have families, jobs, wives...
or cats... We're not going to piss off a
biker gang. We're going back.
Woody takes this in, gritting his teeth in disappointment.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Come on, Woody. You don't want to take
this risk. You have Claudia, and your
job... You have a great life back home.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 49.
Woody looks up at him. Something about this has sparked
something in Woody's eyes, but he covers it up with a
calm smile.
WOODY
You're right, I do. But maybe I should
talk to those guys one more time. I
mean, I'm an executive at an Investment
firm. I've made a career out of
convincing people and these are just
people. You guys wait here.
Woody starts up his bike. Doug and Bob look at each
other and shrug. Dudley hurries out of the sidecar.
DUDLEY
I'll wait here, too. You'll get better
gas mileage.
Dudley gets out and falls to the ground.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Leg's asleep.
Woody shakes his head and starts back to the bar.
EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME
Woody rides up to the bar, and looks back to make sure
he's out of Doug, Bob and Dudley's sight. He sees that
he is, and kneels next to the line of Hells Angels
motorcycles. He takes out an army knife, and slices
through one of the motorcycle's gas line. Gas starts
leaking out onto the ground and Woody nods.
WOODY
(TO HIMSELF)
Come after us now, assholes.
Woody goes along to each bike, smiling with a weird
recklessness as he slices through each gas line.
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER
WOODY pulls up on his bike, where DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY
are waiting.
WOODY
They're cool with it. We can press on.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 50.
BOB
Seriously?
WOODY
Yup. I tried to be polite. I tried to
reason. I told them Dudley was dying.
DUDLEY
What?
WOODY
Well, technically we're all dying,
Dudley. Just very slowly.
Dudley looks concerned.
DUDLEY
Oh my god, you're right.
(REALIZING)
I'm slowly dying.
WOODY
Anyway, none of that worked. So I laid
it out for them. I said, "Hey, go ahead
and assault us. Because we might be not
be real bikers, but we know real lawyers.
And the moment you touch us is the moment
you get your ass sued. Because this is
the real world - with real laws, and real
consequences." And they backed down.
The guys are impressed.
DOUG
You really said that?
WOODY
Yup. And I think they'll give us
Dudley's bike on the way back, so let's
go. Quick. Before they change their
mind.
Woody quickly starts his bike and rides on. The guys
shrug, impressed, and follow him.
After a moment, we see them all speed by the bar.
INT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME
Jack is playing darts with the other bikers. He goes to
throw a dart and hears engines roar past the bar outside.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 51.
He quickly turns, which makes the dart he was throwing
fly off target and stick into the shoulder of one of the
bikers, (OILCAN).
OILCAN
Ow! Shit, man!
Jack listens as the engines pass the bar and fade away.
Jack shakes his head, enraged.
JACK
Saddle up, boys. Somebody doesn't listen.
The guys nod and head outside. Oilcan pulls the dart out
of his shoulder, and stops by Jack on the way out.
OILCAN
Try and watch the throws, okay Jack?
Jack glares at oilcan for a beat, then jabs a dart into
his peck.
OILCAN (CONT'D)
Owww! Jesus!
(off Jack's icy glare)
Sorry.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BIKER BAR - A MINUTE LATER
The Hells Angels roar away from the bar on their
motorcycles. They get to the end of the driveway, and
the bikes sputter and choke to a stop.
ANGLE ON: JACK. He's on his hog, with a cigarette
dangling out of his mouth. He looks down in confusion at
the suddenly stalled bike.
JACK
What the f--
(sees cut gas line)
You've gotta be kidding me.
Suddenly, the cigarette falls out of Jacks mouth, and
onto the ground. A puddle of gas from the sliced line
catches on fire.
JACK (CONT'D)
shit.
The flames quickly follow the line of leaked gas like a
fuse, back towards the bar.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 52.
Almost as quickly as the bikers can turn to look, the
flame has reached the parking area and ignited all the
puddles of gas. They all watch in horror as the fire
ravenously engulfs the old wooden porch of the bar, then
the roof ...
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - SAME TIME
The guys happily cruise along the highway. We see WOODY
look in his side-view mirror and notice a large, black
plume of smoke back in the distance. A look of worry
creeps over his face.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MOTEL - THAT EVENING
The guys pull up to a small motel, as the sun sets behind
the wheat fields of Kansas.
WOODY
No, we're not stopping here. Riding at
night is half the fun. Let's just keep--
DOUG
--I can't feel my nuts, Woody. And Kelly
still wants another kid.
DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY head inside the motel office.
WOODY
(calling after Doug)
So, adopt a kid. You already have two
white ones, anyway.
The guys ignore him. Woody looks back down the highway
uneasily, then heads inside the motel office.
EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME
JACK, and the other bikers stand by the smoldering pile
of wood that was once their bar. OILCAN approaches Jack.
OILCAN
I got my old lady bringing some gas. We
can get moving by nightfall.
JACK
(BOILING)
Forget it. Those guys are long gone.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 53.
JACK (CONT'D)
They're not stupid enough to stop until
they're five hundred miles from here.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME
DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY are in their motel room. WOODY
stands at the window, nervously looking outside.
WOODY
(TO GUYS)
I just think it's just stupid to stop
this soon, you know?... We can keep
riding under the stars. All night.
DOUG
Woody, your headlight doesn't even work.
WOODY
You think I won't ride without light? I
can feel the road. Let's go. I'll even
race somebody. Who's racing me?
DOUG
Did you inhale exhaust fumes? Because
something is happening to your brain. I
think it might be retardation.
WOODY
I just want to ride. Let's go!
DOUG
Whatever, Corky.
Doug shrugs Woody off and dials his cell phone.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(INTO PHONE)
Hey, honey. It's me.
Woody glares at Doug.
WOODY
You're calling Kelly? You're not aloud
to call wives on a road trip.
DOUG
(TO WOODY)
I can call my wife whenever I want.
(INTO PHONE)
Yeah. Woody. Good guess...
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 54.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Yeah, I'm having a great time. No old
Doug, yet, but I haven't gotten sun-
burned...
Woody looks at Bob.
WOODY
You agree with me, right?
BOB
Yeah, I actually agree with you on this
one. Let's not call wives.
DOUG
(INTO PHONE)
Yeah, Bob agreed with him. Good guess
again. Man, I really miss you.
WOODY
Are you kidding me? I have to leave.
Let me know when lame hour is over.
DOUG
(TO WOODY)
Woody, you can call Claudia when I'm
done, if you want. You can use my cell.
WOODY
No, I'm not calling Claudia. I mean, yes
I want to, but I won't. Because I'm on a
road trip with my pals. And cell phones
aren't even allowed!
Woody storms out. Doug hears something on the phone, and
lights up.
DOUG
(INTO PHONE)
Hey, Billy! How's it--
(then, into phone)
Where'd he go?... Oh. He thought you
were ordering pizza. Uh huh. Well, tell
him I said hi.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - THE NEXT MORNING
DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY ride along the highway, as
the sun burns the morning fog off of the wheat fields.
Doug looks over to Woody and yells above the motorcycle
engines.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 55.
DOUG
I can't believe you made us leave so
early. You really wanted to see the sun
rise?
WOODY
Yeah, man. It warms my heart, with
it's...
(THINKS)
Gentle... rays.
Doug gives him a curious look, as they pass a sign that
says "Lucas, Kansas. Population: 436"
BOB
(yelling over engines)
Hey! Let's stop for breakfast, I'm
starving.
WOODY
What!? No! We're not hungry yet.
BOB
I just said I was--
WOODY
You're not! Fatty!
Bob looks hurt. Doug gives Woody a stern look.
DOUG
Come on, Woody. It looks like a neat
town. And Dudley's got another bag of
poop to throw away.
Dudley nods. Woody grits his teeth as they enter the
town. It's a quiet, one stop-light town - with an old
fashioned main street and town square. We see a banner
over the street advertising a block party that night.
It's a postcard version of small town America.
INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME
The owner, BUD, is pressed up against the glass -
watching the motorcycles come down Main street. He
shakes his head.
BUD
Oh, don't tell me they're here again
already. I just got the window replaced.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 56.
Bud walks back to the bar, past his daughter (and diner
waitress) MAGGIE, 28, pretty in that cute, small town
way.
MAGGIE
Just stay calm, Dad. At least it's not
all of them, this time.
EXT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME
The guys pull up to the diner and we see the local
pedestrians hustle away. The street is soon deserted,
but the guys don't notice.
They go to park their bikes, but there's not enough
space. There's a police car in the parking spot next to
them, and the town sheriff, CHARLEY, comes running
towards it from across the street.
CHARLEY
I'll move it! Hold on, I'll move it!
Charley jumps into the car and backs it out of its spot.
The guys look at each other, surprised.
DOUG
Wow. Lucas is a polite town.
BOB
That's how these little towns are. It's
unspoiled America.
WOODY
It's a shithole. Let's keep moving.
The guys ignore Woody and enter the diner.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Okay, we'll get it to go, then. We can
ride and eat if it's wrapped in a
tortilla.
Woody gets no response. He looks back down the road,
uneasily, then follows the guys in.
INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME
BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY enter, with their motorcycle
boots thunking on the wood floor, announcing to the
entire diner that there are bikers there.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 57
Everyone freezes and the place goes silent. The only
sound is a single fork dropping onto a plate.
BUD is pulsing with anger, but he swallows it down.
BUD
Good morning, gentleman. How nice of you
to join us this afternoon.
DOUG
well, how could we pass through this town
without stopping? Everything looks so
perfect.
BUD
(SEETHING)
But you'll change that, huh?
DOUG
Excuse me?
MAGGIE runs up and guides her Dad away from the guys.
MAGGIE
I'll take care of them, Daddy.
(to guys, extra polite)
Good morning.
Maggie smiles. She has a radiant sweetness, even though
she's scared to death.
DUDLEY stares at her, captivated. He's in love.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
where would you gentleman like to sit?
DOUG
Are there any booths open?
All the people quickly jump out of their booths.
BOB
Wow. Everyone is so nice, here.
The guys sit in one of the booths. Dudley hangs back,
and struggles to talk to Maggie.
DUDLEY
(TO MAGGIE)
Um... So?
Dudley tries to think of something else to say, but
can't. He nods awkwardly, then heads over to the booth.
He sits down with the guys.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 58.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
(TO GUYS)
She's perfect.
DOUG
You like the waitress, huh?
DUDLEY
I wanted to say something funny to her,
but I could only think of black jokes.
Maggie, still very skittish, approaches the table.
MAGGIE
And what would you gentleman like today?
Doug looks to the next table, where a man is enjoying
french toast.
DOUG
Mmmm. I'll have what he's having.
Maggie nods obediently and takes the man's plate. She
slides it in front of Doug.
DOUG (CONT'D)
No, uh... I'll take a new one. He can
keep his.
MAGGIE
Of course. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Maggie quickly puts it back on the man's table.
DOUG
Hey, it's okay. Really.
WOODY
Not a big deal.
BOB
(FAKING ANGRY)
Yeah, just don't let it happen again!
Bob hammers his fist on the table and laughs at his joke,
but Maggie starts to cry. The guys suddenly look
confused as she runs to the kitchen in tears. Bob looks
back to the guys.
BOB (CONT'D)
Wow. That wasn't funny.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 59.
DUDLEY
It's hard to be funny without being
racist.
Doug is looking at the town's local paper, and smiles.
DOUG
Hey, guys. This block party tonight
looks cool. Music, grilled corn, dollar
beers, funnel cakes.
DUDLEY
Funnel cakes!? Let's stay here tonight!
WOODY
No, no, no, no. We have a schedule. San
Francisco is waiting.
BOB
What schedule? You said we're taking
this trip to live. Let's stick around
and live a little. Have some small town
fun!
Woody goes to protest again, but Dudley stands up.
DUDLEY
(LOUDLY)
Let's party all night in Lucas!
BUD
(O.C. From kitchen area)
God Dammit! What'd we do to deserve
this!?
We ANGLE TO SEE: MAGGIE rush over to calm BUD down. Bud
calms down, then hears another motorcycle engine roaring
down the street. He looks out the window and shakes his
head.
BUD (CONT'D)
Not another one of these assholes.
A moment later, MURDOCK, a fat, grungy Hells Angel,
enters the diner with a cocky swagger and has a seat at
the bar.
MURDOCK
(TO BUD)
Get me a beer, old man. And if it's not
good, I'm going to smash it across your
face.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 60.
ANGLE ON: The WILD HOGS, watching from the table behind
Murdock.
DOUG
(sotto, to the guys)
Not another one of these assholes.
Murdock hears this and whips around to see the Wild Hogs.
MURDOCK
What'd you say?
DOUG
Oh, I was actually referring to some guys
we met at a bar about two hundred miles
east of here. You're probably not
AFFILIATED--
MURDOCK
That's my gang. I'm on my way there now.
DUDLEY
(loudly, to Doug)
so he is one of those assholes, Doug.
MURDOCK
Excuse me?
Murdock puts his beer down, and stares angrily at Doug.
MURDOCK (CONT'D)
And who the hell are you freaks?
Doug starts to answer, but Woody, looking nervous, cuts
him off.
WOODY
--Oh, we're just a group of friends. No
big deal. Your guys gave us permission
to pass by, so it's all good.
MURDOCK
Hells Angel's don't give permission.
Especially to a bunch of ball-less wimps
like you.
Bob hammers the table and stands up - his face red with
long-suppressed rage.
BOB
I'm not a wimp, pal'. I'm a man! You got
that? Huh? You got that!!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 61.
The guys look at Bob, wide-eyed. woody looks worried.
WOODY
Bob, let's not get carried away--
BOB
No, you know what? This guy needs a
talking to just like his friends did,
Woody.
WOODY
But, Bob. I don't think--
BOB
Let me do this, Woody! You stood up to
them last time, and I just sat there like
I always do... Well, not this time!
(turns to Murdock)
Listen, you piece of shit. You think you
can just walk around and bully perfectly
nice people? You think that's how it
works? Well, guess what? This is the
real world. With real laws and real
consequences. You hear me!?
Bob swats Murdock's beer out of his hand. It spills all
over him. Murdock is too filled with rage to speak.
BOB (CONT'D)
Now get out of here! And if that gang of
inbred assholes needs things explained to
them again, tell 'em the Wild Hogs will
be right here in Lucas tonight.
Woody puts his face into his hands.
BOB (CONT'D)
Now get.
Murdock just stares daggers at him.
BOB (CONT'D)
Get!
Bob kicks the stool out from under Murdock. He almost
falls, but catches himself on a stool. He glares at the
guys, but he's outnumbered. He grits his teeth and
storms out the door. Woody winces to himself as he
watches Murdock go. This isn't good.
After a moment, BUD comes running out from behind the
bar.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 62.
BUD
Wait... You guys aren't Hells Angels?
DOUG
Us? Oh, no. We're from Cincinnati.
Bud calls out to the kitchen.
BUD
Charley!? They ain't the bad ones!
CHARLEY, the sheriff from before, stands up from behind a
countertop in the kitchen.
CHARLEY
You guys aren't Hells Angels?
DOUG
No. We're Wild Hogs. That's our gang.
(THEN)
And our rotary club softball team... My
wife had extra patches.
CHARLEY
Well, sweet Mary Joseph... Welcome to
Lucas! I'm the sheriff, Charley Baskins.
I keep the peace here.
DOUG
Weren't you just hiding in the kitchen?
CHARLEY
Well... A non-confrontation approach
sometimes is the best method to keep
aggression...
(GIVES UP)
Yeah, I was hiding in the kitchen.
Charley looks at them for a moment, then starts to tear
up.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
I'm an embarrassment.
Charley hurries off to the bathroom. The guys look at
each other.
DOUG
Well, now he is.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 63.
EXT. MAIN STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATER
CHARLEY walks through the town square with DOUG, BOB,
WOODY and DUDLEY. There's a stage and booths set up
around the park in the center - ready for the block
party. As the news spreads that the Wild Hogs are
friendly, the townspeople start to take to the streets
again.
CHARLEY
Sorry about all the confusion when you
arrived. Those guys are pretty rough.
You're the first people to ever stand up
to them.
DOUG
Well, Woody is the one who really--
BOB
Hey-- we should probably share the
credit. I mean, I just basically kicked
that guy's ass. Man! You know how good
that felt!? Yeah!
Bob punches a handicapped parking sign, which rattles
against its post, then falls to the ground. Bob
immediately looks regretful.
DOUG
Nice. Now the paraplegics can park down
the block and get more exercise.
BOB
(suddenly meek again)
Should I fix it? Oh, man. I should.
(TO CHARLEY)
I'm sorry... I didn't mean to--
CHARLEY
Forget about it. We only have one
cripple and he gets pulled around in a
wagon. Come on, I want to show you guys
something.
Charley leads the guys off.
INT. POLICE GARAGE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Charley flips on the light in a neatly organized police
garage. In the middle sits a sparkling, unridden Harley
Davidson police bike.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 64.
DOUG
Wow. That's fantastic.
BOB
You ride this?
CHARLEY
Oh, no. The Hells Angels would take it
to pieces if they ever saw me on it. I
just keep it in here. Polish it and so
forth. But I'd never let them see it.
DOUG
Those guys are that big of a problem,
huh?
CHARLEY
Yeah. They ride into town a few times a
month and get drunk, damage property...
Basically turn the place upside down.
DOUG
And the police don't do anything?
CHARLEY
Well, It's a small town - and me and the
Dooble brothers are the only law. And
they're still pretty green.
WOODY
Can't you call a bigger town or something
for backup?
CHARLEY
Yeah, I've done that a few times. But
the gang is always gone by the time they
get here. We've also tried wearing riot
gear, which does protect you from being
hit, but not from being dragged. Also,
one of the Dooble brothers tried to throw
tear gas, but the bottle exploded and
blew off his ear.
DUDLEY
Ech.
CHARLEY
Yeah, he's hard to look at.
(THEN)
Anyway, we want you guys to stay at our
hotel tonight on us... Seeing as you're
the new town heroes and all.
"wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 65.
The guys look flattered. Except Woody.
WOODY
Oh, thanks, but we're actually moving on--
DOUG
(TO DUDLEY)
We'd be honored to stay. Thank you.
Woody's looks at Doug in protest. Doug gives him a stern
glare.
CHARLEY
And if you're not in a rush to leave in
the morning-- We've got a great trout
stream you might want to check out.
DUDLEY
Cool! Let's fish!
Doug shrugs.
DOUG
Sure. Let's do it.
WOODY
Uh uh. No, I'm putting my foot down,
here. I still get a vote on what we do,
you know? And I want my vote.
DOUG
Okay. Of course you get a vote.
Woody nods and looks at Bob and Dudley. They clearly
intend to stay.
WOODY
I actually get three votes. Because I
planned the trip.
DOUG
But you didn't plan the voting system. I
did. So you only get one. Sorry.
Doug, Bob and Dudley walk off. Woody fumes.
WOODY
You know what? Old Doug wasn't such a
douchebag!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 66.
EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME
MURDOCK has arrived at the bar, which is just a burned
shack at this point. The Hell's Angels are gathered
around, watching JACK beat the crap out of a remaining
wall with a pipe. He finally stops when the wall has
crumbled.
JACK
Those assholes think they can cross the
Hells Angels? Do you know how bad
they've made us all look!?
The gang nods. They all look pissed.
JACK (CONT'D)
Those guys have some balls. Balls I will
put in my mouth and chew on!!
The gang looks at Jack with a slight smile. OILCAN
chuckles.
OILCAN
You're going to put balls in your mouth?
The gang laughs. Jack realizes what the joke is...
JACK
No! I'm not-- I'm going to put my foot
up their asses! Both feet! Hell, I'm
going to stick anything I can in their
asses, and I'm going to enlov it.
The guys start laughing again. Jack boils red.
JACK (CONT'D)
Shut up!! I didn't mean-- Just get on
your damn bikes! We're riding to Lucas!
The guys start towards their bikes. Oilcan sidles up
next to Jack.
OILCAN
Sometimes it helps if you say things in
your mind first, then say it out loud,
you know?
Jack looks at Oilcan for a beat, then bends down, picks a
dart up out of the ash, and jabs it into his shoulder.
OILCAN (CONT'D)
Oww! Dammit!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 67.
JACK
I did that in my mind, first.
Jack smiles calmly and walks off.
EXT. MAIN STREET HOTEL - THAT AFTERNOON
DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY exit out of an old fashioned
hotel next to the diner. They cross to the town square,
where the block party is in full swing. Townspeople
mingle around eating corn-on-the-cob and hotdogs. Up on
the stage, a plump, middle-aged man with a goatee and a
polo shirt tucked into dockers - sings Justin
Timberlake's "Rock Your body."
PLUMP MAN
So you grab your girls, And you grab a
couple more.
And you all come meet me, in the middle
of the floor.
Gonna rock your body! 'Till the break of
DAY--
The man drops to his knees at the edge of stage and
reaches his hand out to the audience, like the star of a
boy band; However, it's clearly making the people on the
dance floor uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Doug, Bob, Woody and Dudley walk through the
square and are instantly greeted, patted on the back and
thanked by each townsperson they pass. The word is out
that these guys are heroes. Doug gives a "can you
believe this?" look to the other guys - who are just as
thrilled as him. They're eating it up.
DOUG
These people love us. This is nuts.
BOB
Yeah. They think we're bad asses.
DOUG
Well, let's not get too carried away with
it. The truth is we're just regular
guys. Let's not forget that.
DUDLEY
Yeah, the best thing is to keep a low
profile. Don't cause any waves. Then if
somebody pushes us too far, Boom! We go
Billy Jack upside their heads!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 68.
WOODY
You're going to go Billy Jack?
DUDLEY
Nooo. I'm just minding my own business.
I don't want to cause any trouble.
Dudley turns to Woody and stares at him. Woody looks
confused.
WOODY
(TO DUDLEY)
What?
DOUG
He's waiting for you to say something
else, then he's going to kick you.
Dudley gets a deflated look and backs off of Woody.
DUDLEY
(TO WOODY)
Doug just saved you a world of hurt.
WOODY
You're afraid of your cat.
DUDLEY
Yeah, well... He once bit me on the
sack.
Dudley walks off towards the beer tent. Woody looks to
the other guys with a puzzled look.
BOB
It's true. He was unclogging his bathtub
drain and the cat thought it was a ball
of yarn.
Doug and Woody wince.
ANGLE ON: DUDLEY, at the beer tent. He gets in line,
and realizes he's behind MAGGIE. She smiles at him.
MAGGIE
Hi.
Dudley is wide-eyed.
DUDLEY
Um... I, uh---
(SCRAMBLING)
What do you call a Mercedes in Harlem?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 69.
Maggie looks confused.
MAGGIE
Excuse me?
DUDLEY
Nothing-- uh...
Maggie notices the tattoo on Dudley's shoulder.
MAGGIE
Wow. You like macs too, huh? I've got a
vintage Apple 2e. Restored it from
scratch.
Dudley's jaw drops.
DUDLEY
I-- have a cookie jar made out of a 2e.
For fig newtons.
MAGGIE
Wow. I like fig newtons.
Dudley collects himself and tries to speak.
DUDLEY
Yeah. They're like fried chicken at a--
No, that's not... Dammit! This is hard.
Maggie smiles sweetly as Dudley fumbles.
MAGGIE
You want to dance?
Dudley goes to respond, then decides to just give an
emphatic nod. Maggie smiles.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at a picnic table,
drinking beer out of plastic cups. They lean back and
soak up the small town celebration around them. It's a
great night.
DOUG
It doesn't get any better than this, huh?
Bob notices Doug getting ready to chomp down on a piece
of garlic bread.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 70.
BOB
That's a lot of carbs.
Doug stops, mid-bite, and puts the bread down.
DOUG
Thanks, Bob. You saved me from all
that... buttery, garlicky flavor.
WOODY
No he didn't.
Woody takes the garlic bread and crams it in his mouth.
WOODY (CONT'D)
(MOUTH FULL)
I did.
DOUG
I hope you choke on it.
CHARLEY approaches with his two deputies, EARL DOOBLE and
BUCK DOOBLE. They are chubby, thirty-year old twins -
identical in every way, except for the fact that Buck is
missing an ear on the right side of his head... which the
skin has scarred back over. It doesn't look good.
CHARLEY
Howdy, guys! Welcome to the block party!
These are my deputies: Earl and Buck
Dooble.
Earl shakes the guys hands.
EARL
I'm Earl and he's Buck. Just remember,
the brother with the word "ear," in his
name, has both on his head.
(LAUGHS)
I can only say that because I'm on his
right side. Which as you can see, is
blown off.
Earl laughs again, as BUCK extends his hand - oblivious.
BUCK
I'm Buck and this is Earl. Good luck
telling us apart!
Buck laughs and turns to Charley, exposing his missing
ear to the guys. They draw back a little.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 71.
DOUG
Well, it's nice to meet you guys. You've
got a great town here.
CHARLEY
Yeah, we got everything here. Good
people, good fishing...
EARL
We do have convicted child molesters,
though. We have to disclose that.
CHARLEY
Not if they don't have kids, Earl.
EARL
Just to be safe, though.
(yells at crowd of people)
Hey!! Thomas Milborn!
A bookish man with a tweed jacket turns around and looks.
EARL (CONT'D)
(ANNOUNCING)
Convicted child molester.
Thomas Milborn nods glumly and pulls his hands out of his
pockets. The guys look at each other uneasily.
BOB
Well... Still a nice town.
WOODY
If you're not a kid.
DOUG
Or Thomas Milborn.
ANGLE ON: DANCE FLOOR AREA:
DUDLEY is on the dance floor with MAGGIE. The middle
aged guy on stage is letting loose with a rendition of
Usher's "Yeah." Maggie and Dudley dance conservatively
for a moment, but as the beat gets ahold of Dudley, he
starts getting into it. He starts spinning around at a
rapid pace, then drops to his knees, slaps the ground and
shakes his head to the music.
Maggie watches curiously as Dudley pulls himself along
the ground by his elbows - then springs up to his feet
and starts a move that resembles a sprinkler. Maggie
grins - actually amused by Dudley's rhythmic passion.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 72.
ANGLE ON: The Wild Hog's table. The guys sit with
Charley, Buck and Earl - watching Dudley with a curious
look.
CHARLEY
Looks like your friend and Maggie are
hitting it off.
DOUG
Yeah. I think he really likes that girl.
CHARLEY
Well, Maggie's a great woman.
EARL
Yup. Big cans, too. Buck liked her, but
you know... He's a deformed freak.
Buck, on Earl's left, stares out at Maggie and Dudley,
deaf to the conversation.
BUCK
I used to like that girl... but then I
realized, I can do better.
The guys look at Buck.
CHARLEY
So, why are you guys taking this road
trip, anyway?
DOUG
Ahh, just to escape for a bit.
WOODY
Hey, we're not escaping anything, man.
We're on this trip to live.
CHARLEY
I know what you mean. Sometimes things
in life can bother you, and sometimes
nothing in life can bother you. Either
way, you've got take a break from it.
Happiness is somewhere between boredom
and stress.
Doug is surprised at Charley's insight. So is Woody.
WOODY
Exactly. Which is why we need to keep
riding until we figure out where that
happiness is. You don't get old Doug
back by just staying put.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 73.
CHARLEY
Old Doug?
DOUG
Yeah. Apparently I've lost him. I don't
sing Bon Jovi anymore.
WOODY
You did lose him, Doug. You know why?
You're housebroken. You're too
comfortable. You've got to snap out of
it!
Doug nods halfheartedly. He knows woody might be right.
CHARLEY
(TO DOUG)
Woody's got a point, there. Comfortable
can be a bad thing. You have to wake up
and slap the bull once in a while.
WOODY
Right! Slap the bull!
(then, to Charley)
What?
CHARLEY
Slapping the bull is kind of the local
test of manhood. It's a way to prove you
aren't controlled by fear. We've all
done it.
EARL
Yup. Even torn-open head, here.
He nods at Buck, on his left.
BUCK
You know, I slapped the bull once.
Woody smiles slyly. Doug looks concerned.
WOODY
We're slapping the bull.
DOUG
I don't think we need to. I mean, we can
have our own test of manhood. Let's see
how many ears of corn we can eat or
something. I'll start.
Doug grabs an ear of corn and takes a bite, but Woody
just grins with that reckless look in his eyes.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 74.
WOODY
We are slapping the bull.
Doug knows it's no use. He nods, defeated.
CUT TO:
EXT. COW PASTURE - THAT EVENING
DOUG, BOB, WOODY, CHARLEY, BUCK and EARL approach a fence
surrounding a pasture. Charley smiles.
CHARLEY
Here we are. The Lucas test of manhood.
Slap the bull.
Charley gestures to a lone bull grazing in the pasture.
He's a frighteningly large bull with enormous horns.
WOODY
Wow. So it's literally slapping a bull?
EARL
Yup. Right on the ass. Then high-tail
it out of there, because he can kill ya.
DOUG
Wow. Um... Woody? This was your idea,
so... go ahead.
Woody nods.
WOODY
All right. I'm going in.
DOUG / BOB
You are?
WOODY
Hell yeah. I'm gonna slap the shit out
of that bull. Like, pimp-style.
The guys look at him, surprised and somewhat impressed.
Woody takes a breath and climbs over the fence. He
approaches the Bull very quietly and cautiously. He gets
within three feet of it, leans in and slaps the Bull hard
on the ass.
The bull makes an annoyed sound and turns around, but
Woody is already hightailing it back to the fence, with
an exhilarated look on his face.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 75.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Whhhheeeeeeew!
Woody gets to the fence and hurls himself over. The guys
all applaud.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Yes! Wow! That felt so good. I just
slapped a big fat bull right on his ass!
Did you hear how pissed he was!? I just
pissed of a bull!
(back to Bull)
Bitch!
Woody high fives all the guys.
DOUG
All right. I'm in. I'm slapping that
bull.
The guys cheer as Doug climbs over the fence and starts
heading towards the Bull. The group all leans on the
fence, watching.
WOODY
(TO CHARLEY)
Thanks for bringing us out here. Doug
really needs this.
BOB
Yeah. This is good for him.
CHARLEY
Sure. Glad we could help.
BUCK
Yeah, and we've never seen it done twice
in a row. It'll be interesting to see
how the bull takes being slapped now that
he's alert.
WOODY / BOB
Alert?
Woody and Bob look at each other, then to the Bull -
which Doug is about to slap.
WOODY
Doug, wait!
It's too late. Doug slaps the bull hard, and turns to
run.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 76.
DOUG
Wheeeeew!! Yeah!
Doug runs across the field, but the Bull - now fully
alert - swivels with magnificent agility and breaks into
an angry charge towards Doug.
The guys all watch in horror as the Bull quickly gains on
Doug. Doug sees the fear on the guys faces and looks
back over his shoulder. His smile quickly turns to
terror.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Ahhhhhhhh!
It's too late. The Bull catches Doug and bucks him into
the air. Doug flies ten feet and comes crashing down on
the muddy grass. The Bull takes a few steps back and
starts lining up another charge at him.
WOODY
Oh, no you don't!
Woody jumps over the fence and runs into the field.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Heeeeey! Hey you! Come get me, Bull!
The Bull notices Woody and starts to Charge him.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Run, Doug! Go!
Doug climbs to his feet and sees the bull charging Woody.
Woody realizes he's in trouble and starts to run again.
The bull quickly catches him and rams him into the air.
Woody lands hard, with a grunt.
The bull turns back to charge at Woody again, and Bob
jumps over the fence.
BOB
Hey! Leave him alone! You want some of
this!? Come get this!
Bob sprints out into the field. The bull snorts and
starts towards him. The Bull closes on Bob quick, but at
the last moment Bob dives of the way. The bull goes
flying past him.
BOB (CONT'D)
Hah! Missed me, you fat bastard!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 77.
Doug and Woody look impressed as Bob helps them hurry
towards the fence. Charley and Buck hold a gate open for
them as the Bull makes a turn and lines the group up, but
they've already made it to the gate. They go through and
Charley shuts it behind them. They lean back on the
fence, trying to gather their bearings, except Bob - who
is thrilled.
BOB (CONT'D)
Did you see me? I dodged him! I dodged
that stupid cow! How cool am--
Suddenly, the Bull charges into the fence, which Bob's
butt is sticking through. Bob goes flying and lands face
down in the dirt. He scrambles back up, furious.
BOB (CONT'D)
You son of a bitch! You want to keep it
going!? You want to take cheap shots!?
Come on!
Bob tries to climb back into the pasture, but the guys
restrain him.
BOB (CONT'D)
(TO CHARLEY)
Give me your gun! Give me the gun! He
deserves it!
(TO BULL)
I'll kill you!
Doug and Woody hold on to Bob until he calms down. Doug
and Woody start to laugh. Bob cools off for another
moment, then starts laughing as well.
WOODY
No this is living!
DOUG
We just slapped the bull!
The group high fives each other in congratulations, and
starts away: Bruised, muddy and laughing.
ANGLE ON: THE BULL. He pushes on the gate that Charley
was holding open. The gate swings open.
ANGLE ON: WOODY, BOB and DOUG. They walk with Charley
and the Dooble brothers, laughing and carrying on.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 78.
Bob does an impression of how he dodged it and goes for
some more high fives - but suddenly, the bull charges
into frame and nails him. As Bob goes flying; we:
CUT TO:
EXT. TOWN SQUARE / BLOCK PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT
The block party is winding down. Dudley is sitting by
himself at a picnic table, in post-Maggie bliss.
DOUG, WOODY and BOB approach, dirty and beaten from the
bull - but, carrying on happily.
WOODY
Man, did you see the look on Bob's face
when he got up? Didn't dodge him that
time!
Woody and Doug laugh. Bob looks pissed.
BOB
I'm going to go back there with a rifle
tomorrow and shoot one of his legs off.
Then we'll see who's tough.
DOUG
(LAUGHING)
Why just one leg?
BOB
Because I want to kick him in the face.
Doug and Woody laugh again. Bob just steams. They spot
DUDLEY, and head over to him.
DOUG
Hey, Dud. You look happy.
DUDLEY
I danced with her. And she likes macs.
You know what that means?
DOUG
You have a sister?
DUDLEY
I have a soulmate.
DOUG
I thought you said the color ipod was
your soulmate.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 79.
DUDLEY
I thought it was. But now, I realize
that ipod was just a well-designed whore.
The guys smile. It's been a good night for all of them.
DOUG
Come on. Let's go back to the hotel.
We've got to get up early to do some
fishing.
The guys start walking towards the Main Street hotel.
WOODY
Okay, fine. But after fishing - we hit
the open road and keep moving, okay?
DOUG
Open road, baby!
BOB
Wild Hogs ride!
The guys continue with enthusiastic cheers as we hear the
off-screen rumble of engines. Doug looks down the street
and sees: THE HELLS ANGELS. All forty of them are
riding into town - and the guys will be in their view any
second. Woody is frozen with fear.
DOUG
Are you kidding me? Woody, you're going
to have to talk to these guys again. Get
them to leave this town alone--
WOODY
Hiiiiiiiidee!
DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY look confused. Woody looks around
desperately for somewhere to hide - but the Hells Angels
are too close. There's no time. Woody spots a port-o-
potty from the block party and starts corralling Doug,
Bob and Dudley into it.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Go! Go! Go!
Woody pushes his puzzled friends into the port-o-potty,
then gets in with them and shuts the door, just as the
Hells Angels cruise by them.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 80.
INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS
All four guys are squished inside the port-o-potty like
sardines.
DOUG
Woody!? What the hell is wrong with--
WOODY
Shhhh! They'll hear you! Don't make a
sound!
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
The Hells Angels park their bikes. We see all the
townspeople have stopped enjoying themselves, and just
stand there, scared. Jack gets off his bike and looks
around.
JACK
(YELLS OUT)
Good evening, Lucas. Now, as hurt as I
am that you're having a party and didn't
invite us... We're only here for one
reason. The "Wild Hogs." Where the hell
are they!?
INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS
Doug looks at Woody. He's starting to figure it out.
Woody guiltily avoids Doug's glare and watches the Hells
Angels through a vent in the port-o-potty.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
The townspeople aren't saying a word. Jack continues to
pace in front of the diner.
JACK
Come on, now. You shouldn't be
protecting them. These "Wild Hogs," not
only passed us when we specifically told
them not to, they drained out all our gas
and burned down our bar. Like the little
cowards they are. Now where are they!!?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 81.
INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS
Upon hearing this, BOB, DUDLEY and DOUG all look at
WOODY, who shrugs sheepishly. Bob is enraged.
BOB
You son of a bitch!
Bob lunges at Woody, but the sudden shifting of weight is
too much for the port-o-potty...
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
The port-o-potty tips over. All the Hells Angels turn
and look as it crashes over on it's side. They continue
to stare at it curiously.
INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS
The guys, now on their side, freeze as they see through
the vent that the Hells Angels are staring at them. It's
a very tense moment as they wait to see if they've been
discovered. After a moment, we hear a "glup, glup,
glup," And the guys smell something curious.
BOB
(WHISPERING)
What is that?
DUDLEY
(WHISPERING)
It's that blue port-o-potty juice. It's
coming out of the can.
The guys all cringe in disgust, but know they can't move.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
Jack finally turns away from the pot-o-potty and smirks.
JACK
(TO GANG)
Now, that's a port-o-potty that ain't
worth shit.
The Hell's Angels all laugh and turn back to the diner.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 82.
JACK (CONT'D)
All right, then. Nobody wants to tell me
where they are? Fine. Maybe this'll jar
your memory.
Jack takes a garbage can and tosses it into the diner
window. The crowd gasps, as the Hells Angels laugh.
CHARLEY steps out of the crowd.
CHARLEY
I think they're out at Mckinley's
pasture. Something about slapping a
bull. It's up past the lake a ways.
Jack smiles.
JACK
Good.
(to Hells Angels)
Saddle up, boys.
The guys get on their bikes.
JACK (CONT'D)
(TO TOWN)
And if they ain't there. We'll be back
reeeal soon. Because I don't let any man
get away from me.
The gang snickers. Jack realizes;
JACK (CONT'D)
(TO GANG)
Shut the hell up! I didn't-- You know
what I meant!
Jack starts his bike and roars out of the town. The
others follow him, gunning their bikes and leaving skid
marks and smoke in their trail. A kid yells at the Hells
Angels as they ride out of sight.
KIDS
Go ahead and come back! The Wild Hogs
aren't afraid you! The Wild Hogs aren't
afraid of anything!
Suddenly, the door pops open on the port-o-potty and the
WILD HOGS topple out of it in a heap. We see they're
soaked in blue port-o-potty juice.
They scramble to their feet and run towards the large
fountain in the middle of the town square.
I
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 83.
DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
Ahhhh!/ I'm going to vomit!/ Ecchhh!
The townspeople watch in silence as the guys jump into
the fountain and try to rinse off.
Bob puts his head under a water-spouting marble fish.
BOB
It got in my hair! Gross!
The guys desperately try to rinse off the juice - then,
drenched from head to toe, turn their glare to Woody.
DOUG
(TO WOODY)
You lied, didn't you!? You stood there
and lied to us!
BOB
You did! You're a stinking liar!
WOODY
I did it for you guys! I wanted you to
live!
DOUG
Live!? We're going to die, Woody! You
burned down their bar! We are dead men!
DUDLEY
Oh, man. I thought it was going to
happen slowly. I thought I had time!
Dudley sits on the fountain edge and starts to tear up.
WOODY
(TO GUYS)
I'm sorry, okay!
DOUG
Sorry? That's it!? You're sorry!?
WOODY
Yes, I'm sorry! I just didn't want us to
go back.
DOUG
Why? It's just a stupid vacation!
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 84.
WOODY
Because I don't have anything to go back
to, okay!
Doug and Bob go silent. Woody looks away - trying to
collect himself. After a moment, he faces them.
WOODY (CONT'D)
I've lost everything. The firm fired me,
Claudia left me... It's all gone. My
whole life is gone. I don't even have
enough money to get my lawn raked
anymore.
Doug, Bob and Dudley are stupefied. Woody takes a deep
breath and continues.
WOODY (CONT'D)
That's why I couldn't go back. This
isn't a vacation for me, it's the only
thing I have left. There's nothing more
in my life but you guys. So, I lied
about the Hells Angels. I lied because I
wanted to have one thing in my life that
wasn't a complete failure. A real trip
with my best friends... You're all I
got. I'm sorry.
Woody lowers his head. The guys take this in for a
minute. Woody looks at them, waiting for their sympathy.
Finally, Doug speaks.
DOUG
(realizing, to Woody)
This trip is just you running from your
life. Your miserable, screwed up life.
(GETTING ANGRIER)
And you knew you couldn't go back to it,
so instead you screwed up our lives,
too... You asshole!
Woody's puppy-dog face dissolves.
WOODY
Fine! I see how important I am to you
guys. That's just fine. I just thought
being a "Wild Hog" meant something!
Woody takes off his "Wild Hogs" jacket and throws it at
their feet. He hops out of the fountain and storms off
down the street.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 85.
DOUG
It doesn't mean anything! It's just a
patch my wife made!!
Doug, Bob and Dudley look at each other. After a moment,
they look over to the sidewalk and see:
ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLE, staring at them in disappointed
silence. Slowly, the townspeople turn and quietly head
back to their homes. Doug, Bob and Dudley lower their
heads in disgrace. So much for being heroes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT NIGHT
DOUG stands in the darkened police station with DUDLEY,
CHARLEY, BUCK and EARL. CHARLEY looks out the window
with DOUG.
CHARLEY
Looks like they're winding down some.
DOUG
You think?
EXT. MAIN STREET DINER - CONTINUOUS
The Hells Angels have returned, and set up shop in the
diner, but are also flowing out onto the street. Jack
stumbles into the middle of the road, with a bottle of
tequila in his hand.
JACK
(YELLING OUT)
Alright, Wild Hogs. We know you're in
town somewhere, 'cause you haven't
checked out of the hotel. We're a little
smarter than you thought, huh?
OILCAN
Hell yeah we are!! Wheeew!
Oilcan smashes a beer can against his own head.
JACK
So we're going to wait right here 'till
you show up. Weeks, if we have to.
Hell, we might just make ourselves the
"Lucas Angels." That has a nice ring to
it, doesn't it?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 86.
Jack laughs.
INT. POLICE STATION - SAME TIME
The guys watch the commotion through the window.
DUDLEY
Crap. I was thinking of that for us.
CHARLEY
You guys just stay in the station
tonight. No one needs to go out there
and be a hero and end up getting hurt.
DOUG
Thanks, Charley.
Charley and the Dooble brothers look a little surprised.
CHARLEY
Wow. So... You're not going out there?
Doug sighs in irritation.
DOUG
(SNAPS)
Well, you're the cop. Why don't you go
out there?
Charley is visibly hurt. His lip starts to tremble.
CHARLEY
(TEARING UP)
That's not cool, man.
Charley runs out the back door of the station. EARL
shakes his head and looks at Doug.
EARL
You know, people have feelings. Sure, I
make comments about "chum face," here.
But that's because every time I look at
him I see parts of his brain. But nobody
has the right to hurt Charley like that.
He has both sides of his head.
Earl storms off, leaving BUCK, who was standing on his
left and hasn't heard or seen any of them leave. He
stands there, looking at Doug and Dudley.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 87.
DOUG
(TO BUCK)
Um... They left.
BUCK
Huh?
Buck turns and sees Earl and Charley have gone.
BUCK (CONT'D)
Son of a bitch.
Buck hurries out the door after Charley and Earl.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NEXT MORNING
Doug wakes up on a cot in an open jail cell. He walks
out of the cell, and over to the window.
ANGLE ON: The Main Street Diner: The Hells Angels bikes
are still parked outside, and the bikers appear to be
passed out in various booths, chairs, and the street out
front.
BACK ON: The police station. Dudley and Bob approach
the window.
DOUG
They're still out there. Passed out.
BOB
Well, I talked to Karen. She going to
fly out here, rent a mini-van, and pick
us up. We'll just ship the bikes back
later.
DOUG
Bob, we can't leave. They'll just stay
here and keep terrorizing this town.
BOB
So what? They can call the National
guard or something.
DOUG
For what? To be stationed here
permanently? Because these guys will
just come back when they're gone. And
it'll be even worse.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 88.
DOUG (CONT'D)
We've created this problem, Bob. We've
got to think of a way to solve it.
BOB
Well, Karen is really insistent she come
drive us back.
DOUG
Tell her "no," Bob.
Bob looks uncomfortable at this thought.
BOB
I can't do that.
DOUG
Well, you're going to have to, Bob!
We're not going to screw over an entire
town because you're afraid of women!
Bob stands up, insulted.
BOB
Oh, sorry I'm not brave like you, Doug!
The guy who gets injections in his scalp
so he won't go bald!
Bob storms out the back door of the police station.
Dudley looks to Doug, curiously.
DUDLEY
You do?
Doug shrugs weakly.
DOUG
You know, you can storm out too, if you
want.
DUDLEY
No, no. I mean, I thought about going to
see Maggie while those guys are asleep,
but you need me right now.
DOUG
Thanks, man.
Doug smiles and gives Dudley a squeeze on the shoulder.
Dudley is clearly disappointed, having assumed Doug would
tell him to go see Maggie. Dudley just stands there,
silent.
DOUG (CONT'D)
You okay?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 89.
DUDLEY
(SNAPS)
You're always asking me if I'm okay!
Dudley quickly storms out of the police station. Doug
nods to himself and slumps down on an office chair.
MUSIC CUE: "AFTER THE THRILL IS GONE" BY THE EAGLES
(CONTINUES THROUGH THE FOLLOWING SCENES)
EXT. BACK OF POLICE STATION - LATER
Doug exits and looks around the corner of the building,
making sure the Hells Angels are still sleeping, then
starts walking towards a wooded park behind the town.
EXT. PARK - A MOMENT LATER
Doug walks through the park, looking depressed. He
passes through a small playground, and has a seat on a
bench. He watches all the children play, and his eyes
fall on four young boys happily riding their bicycles
together. They have cards in their spokes, making engine
sounds as they ride around having a great time together.
Doug smiles and watches them play together.
FADE OUT MUSIC CUE
BUD (O.C.)
Thought you might be out here.
Doug turns and sees BUD, the owner of the diner, Bud has
a seat next to him.
DOUG
Hey, Bud. Look, I'm sorry we got your
town in all this trouble. This trip was
supposed to fix problems, not cause them.
BUD
Well, maybe it's trying to and you just
won't let it.
DOUG
What do you mean?
Bud smiles and looks out at the kids playing.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 90.
BUD
It's the funny thing about life. It has
to be an adventure to feel right. But
when you become a husband and a Dad, you
realize adventure is risk, and a family
man has no place in his life for risk.
Doug takes this in, then realizes.
DOUG
You're right. That's why I stopped
singing Bon Jovi. Life used to be a
risk. That was old Doug. And now it's
gone. I've taken away all the risk.
BUD
Yup. And if you try to make livin' too
safe, then it's not livin' at all.
DOUG
It's not. And I have a will, now. So, I
only have so much livin' left. And
somehow I've lost the best part of it.
BUD
Well, maybe these will help you find it.
Bud puts a styrofoam container on Doug's lap. Doug looks
into it.
DOUG
These are worms.
BUD
Yup. To fish with.
DOUG
I don't get it.
BUD
Friends that screw up. Angry bikers.
That's not something you should be
avoiding. That's something you need.
Doug takes this in.
DOUG
What's that have to do with worms?
BUD
Go down to the lake and find out.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 91.
Bud smiles and walks off. Doug looks down at the worms,
considering...
EXT. LAKE - LATER
Doug walks up to the shore and sees Woody, trying to push
a canoe towards the water. Woody notices Doug.
WOODY
Hey.
DOUG
Hey. Going fishing?
WOODY
Yup.
Woody gets the canoe to the water and looks back at Doug.
DOUG
I've got worms.
(BEAT)
I mean, in here.
Doug holds up the styrofoam cup. Woody shrugs.
WOODY
All right. Let's go.
Doug helps Woody shove the boat out into the water. They
both hop in as it floats away from the shore. They sit
there staring off in silence.
DOUG
Um... Look, man. I'm sorry about
Claudia. And the job.
WOODY
(STARING OFF)
Thanks.
DOUG
But, you shouldn't have lied to us--
WOODY
You know what? I screwed up! It
happens. Maybe from now on I'm better
off just doing things on my own!
Woody starts to get up, but then looks at the water
around him, and sits.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 92.
DOUG
You would have stormed off right then,
huh?
WOODY
(DEFLATED)
Yeah.
Doug nods and looks out at the water. They sit there in
silence for another moment.
WOODY (CONT'D)
I didn't want to lose, Doug. I've lost
everything else and I didn't want to lose
this trip with you guys. When we're
together, it's like we're all college
kids still. I'm not a guy with a broken
marriage and failed career. I'm just
with my best friends, being happy. And
to keep it going, I forgot about what
made it so great... That friends never
let each other down. Until now. I
screwed up the last thing I had left.
You guys deserve better. I'm sorry--
Woody eyes water a little and he quickly turns away from
Doug. They sit there for another moment.
DOUG
Well, what's the point of being in a
motorcycle gang if we can't ourselves in
a little trouble?
Woody looks back at him. Doug smiles a little bit.
DOUG (CONT'D)
It'll be okay, man.
Woody smiles a little as well.
WOODY
They won't kill us, right? Just a...
really bad beating.
DOUG
Yeah. We won't die. I don't think.
WOODY
No way. And how much could a punch
really hurt? Not much, probably.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 93.
DOUG
Well, the good thing is we'll be able to
know for sure. That'll be cool.
WOODY
Let's go find the Bob and Dudley.
Doug looks around the canoe for a paddle.
DOUG
Did you bring the paddles?
WOODY
No. I wasn't even going to take this
thing out, but I didn't want you to think
I was just standing at the lake waiting
for you.
DOUG
Why were you here?
WOODY
Bud told me to stand at the lake and wait
for you.
Doug nods. Bob walks up on the shore, holding a
styrofoam cup.
BOB
Hey, guys.
DOUG
Hey, Bob. Worms?
Bob looks at the styrofoam cup and nods.
BOB
Are we all good?
WOODY
Yeah, Bob. We're all good.
Woody smiles at Doug.
DOUG
(TO BOB)
Throw us that paddle.
Bob nods and picks up a paddle. He throws it toward the
canoe, but it lands ten yards short and sinks.
BOB
Shit. Hold on.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 94.
Bob grabs another paddle and throws it. This time it
lands even shorter. Bob looks around for another paddle.
DOUG
Were those the only two paddles?
BOB
(BUMMED)
Yeah.
DOUG
Oh.
Bob sits down on the grass.
BOB
You guys'll drift in.
DOUG
(BUMMED)
Yeah.
Woody and Doug look around at the water. It's as still
as glass. They sit there awkwardly as Bob waits on
shore.
INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
A cook from the diner is at the kitchen stove, making
something in a big pot, as a crowd of townspeople eat in
the kitchen and dining room. MAGGIE and DUDLEY cross
through the kitchen, and out to the front porch.
EXT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS
Maggie sits on the porch swing and takes a breath.
MAGGIE
Well, we can't seat many people in there,
but at least we're back in business.
DUDLEY
Sorry those jerks are in your diner.
MAGGIE
Ah, we're used to them costing us money.
Last year we spent more on window glass
than pancake batter. All because of
them.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 95.
DUDLEY
It makes me sick. Thinking they're too
good for pancakes.
MAGGIE
No, I meant... They damage the diner a
lot. They damage the whole town. I'm
just sorry you guys got dragged into it.
You were just out to have a good
vacation.
Dudley looks at Maggie sincerely.
DUDLEY
This has been the best vacation of my
life. I met you.
Maggie blushes.
MAGGIE
You bikers probably tell all the girls
that.
This hits Dudley. He suddenly looks troubled.
DUDLEY
Maggie, I have to tell you something.
I'm not really a cool biker or a cool...
anything. I'm a computer programmer. A
nerd. My cat doesn't even like me. She
watches me sleep and I don't know why. I
think she's waiting for me to stop
breathing. I'm just a... Geek. I'm
sorry if you thought I was somebody I'm
not.
Maggie takes this in. After a moment, she smiles and
kisses Dudley.
MAGGIE
You're not a geek, Dudley. You're sweet
and your honest and... You're the
coolest guy I know. Your cat is crazy if
it doesn't like you as much as I do.
Dudley smiles. He has completely fallen for her.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Well, I better get back inside. I've got
to set some chairs up in the family room
for the lunch rush. People gotta eat.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 96.
Maggie smiles and heads inside. Dudley watches her go,
then grits his teeth.
DUDLEY
Oh, people will eat. Don't you worry,
Maggie. People will eat.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. MAIN STREET DINER - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DUDLEY kicks open the front door. JACK and the other
Hells Angels are inside, drinking and carrying on.
DUDLEY
Alright, let's end this!
The Hells Angels don't even notice him. Dudley bites his
lip in frustration.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
(YELLS)
Hey! !
Dudley takes a table full of empty beer glasses and flips
it over. Everyone in the diner goes silent and looks at
him. Jack stands up and smiles.
JACK
Well, well. One of you came to face the
music, huh? That's brave. And stupid.
The Hells Angels laugh. Dudley takes a deep breath and
walks up to Jack.
DUDLEY
I'm not here to face any music. I'm here
to make you a deal. A deal I think you'd
be smart to take.
JACK
Yeah? What deal?
DUDLEY
You leave the town of Lucas, and my
friends alone, and I do something for
you. Something you can't live without.
Jack looks interested. Dudley confidently sets a laptop
on the counter, and punches a few keys. He swivels it
around to show the gang.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 97.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
See where that says "Domain for sale?"
Guess what that means. Your gang doesn't
have a website! Nothing! No way to tell
people about your history, post photos,
sell shirts... You guys are living in
the complete dark ages!
(laughs cockily, then)
So they way I see it: I need a favor
from you and you need a favor from me.
Jack walks over to the computer and looks at Dudley for a
moment. He then picks the computer up and smashes it
down on the ground. It breaks into a hundred pieces.
Jack smiles at Dudley and puts his foot through what's
left of it. The Hells Angels stifle laughter. Dudley is
starting to look a little nervous.
JACK
(TO DUDLEY)
No deal.
Dudley nods.
DUDLEY
Okay, then. Thanks for hearing me out.
Dudley starts for the door, but several Hells Angels move
over and block his path. Dudley stops and collects
himself for a moment - then breaks into a panicked sprint
for the other exit. The Hells Angels quickly spring into
action and tackle him to the ground.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Sanctuary! Sanctuary!!
The Hells Angels pull off him, confused.
OILCAN
What?
DUDLEY
Sanctuary. You have to take me to a
church and leave me alone.
The Hells Angels look at each other and shrug.
OILCAN
(TO DUDLEY)
No we don't.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 98.
DUDLEY
(DEFEATED)
I know.
The Hells Angels move back in on him. Dudley closes his
eyes and rolls into a ball.
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
DOUG, BOB, and WOODY are walking back from the lake, and
pass by Maggie's house. BUD, standing on the porch, sees
them and smiles.
BUD
If you're heading back to town, I
wouldn't go on an empty stomach.
The guys see Bud and smile.
BUD (CONT'D)
Come have lunch. This is kind of our
"fallout" diner. Smaller kitchen, but
less piss on the bathroom floor.
DOUG
Well, we can change that.
Bud laughs as the guys enter the house.
INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at one of many card
tables arranged in the family room, eating lunch.
CHARLEY enters through the front door..
CHARLEY
Hey, guys. Having your final meal?
Charley laughs. Doug, Bob and Woody don't.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
Sorry.
BOB
(TO CHARLEY)
Where are Buck and Earl?
CHARLEY
They're coming. Buck's ear is giving him
some equilibrium problems.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 99.
EARL ENTERS, holding the door open for BUCK, who walks
through slowly.
EARL
(TO BUCK)
Just keep your eyes forward and head up.
BUCK
I'm fine.
Buck walks a few more steps, then starts to tilt left.
He quickly loses his balance and falls sideways, taking
out a card table full of food and the old man sitting at
it.
EARL
Goddammit.
Earl helps Buck up and they join the guys at their table.
BUCK
Hey, guys. Having your final meal?
Buck and Earl laugh. Nobody else does.
CHARLEY
(sternly, to Buck and Earl)
That's out of line, guys.
EARL
Sorry.
Buck looks around the table.
BUCK
Hey, isn't one of you missing?
WOODY
Yeah, Dudley's with Maggie somewhere.
MAGGIE COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN and approaches the table.
MAGGIE
Hey, guys. Where's Dudley?
DOUG
He's with you, isn't he?
MAGGIE
No. I thought he went to find you guys.
Doug shares a worried glance with Bob and Woody.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 100.
DOUG
(TO CHARLEY)
Charley, can I borrow your phone?
Charley hands it to him, and Doug starts to dial.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Dudley has mine. I'll just call him.
WOODY
He has a phone? What happened to
freedom?
DOUG
He needed to call his answering machine
so his cat could hear his voice.
(THEN)
Here we go. It's ringing...
(TO MAGGIE)
He probably snuck off somewhere to buy
you some romantic gift or something. No
big deal.
BOB
That's it. He's never had a girlfriend
so he's probably getting carried away.
He once drank eighteen Mocha Latte's
because the Starbucks clerk was smiling
at him.
WOODY
I remember that. His pee turned brown
and he started crying.
DOUG
Yeah. And the girl wasn't even smiling -
she just had a cleft lip.
(INTO PHONE)
Hello? Dudley?
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SIMULTANEOUS
Jack stands next to Dudley, who is duct-taped to a chair
with so much tape that it looks like he's in a cocoon.
Only his head is uncovered. Jack holds Dudley's
cellphone.
JACK
(INTO PHONE)
Try again, asshole.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 101.
INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS
DOUG
(knowingly, to group)
Nope. The Hells Angels have him.
Doug gives a look to the other guys. They mouth "Shit:"
INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SIMULTANEOUS
JACK
(INTO PHONE)
Damn right, the Hells Angels. Your
friend paid us a little visit. And now
he's hurting reeeeal bad.
DUDLEY
No, I actually feel pretty--
Jack kicks Dudley's chair with his foot. It tips over
and lands on it's side - with Dudley in it. Dudley looks
out at the floor, helpless.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Ow!
(THEN)
Hey, a peanut.
Dudley tries to stick his tongue out to get the peanut.
Jack notices and kicks it away.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Crap.
JACK
(INTO PHONE)
So here's what we're going to do, now.
You guys are going to pay us a visit.
And you're going to bring a "disobedience
fee," of ten thousand dollars. Cash.
And don't even think about calling any
cops. Just you guys and ten grand. And
if you don't show up in an hour - Well
then, We'll just take the fine out of
your friend's legs... Which we're going
to break with a tire iron.
DUDLEY
(yelling to phone)
Don't bring the money, guys!
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 102.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
I'm a computer programmer! I don't need
my legs!
Jack considers this and turns back to the phone.
JACK
(INTO PHONE)
His hands! We'll break his hands!
DUDLEY
Dammit.
(yelling to phone)
Bring the money!
INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS
Doug shakes his head at Dudley's stupidity.
DOUG
(INTO PHONE)
We'll bring the money. Just don't touch
our friend!
INT. BIKER BAR - SIMULTANEOUS
JACK
(INTO PHONE)
Oh, I won't touch him if you bring that
money. But if you don't, I'll be
touching him all night long. And I'll be
enjoying it.
The other bikers suddenly stifle laughter.
JACK (CONT'D)
What!? There was nothing wrong with that
one! That was tough! Those guys are
afraid of me, now. They know how much I
want 'em!
The gang laughs again.
JACK (CONT'D)
Shut up!!
The gang stops laughing, off Jack's warning glare.
Dudley looks up from the floor.
DUDLEY
Hey can we call my cat, now? She needs
to hear my voice.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 103.
Jack looks down at Dudley, then to the other bikers.
JACK
(TO BIKERS)
Get me more duct tape?
A biker nods and grabs another role of duct tape. He
heads over to Dudley.
DUDLEY
Crap.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DOUG sits in a chair, deep in thought. BOB, WOODY, EARL,
BUCK, and BUD stand with other members of the town.
MAGGIE is on a couch, sobbing into her hands.
MAGGIE
(CRYING)
Sweet Dudley. He went there to save
everybody and now they're going to break
his hands.
DOUG
No they aren't. We're going to get him
back.
CHARLEY
We sure are. I'm going to call the
Highway Patrol. They'll be there in--
BOB
No way. They said no law. We can't risk
them doing anything to Dudley.
WOODY
Bob's right. We can call the Highway
Patrol after we get Dud back, but we
shouldn't piss these guys off while he's
still in their hands.
BOB
I'm going to call Karen and have the cash
wired out of our savings.
WOODY
No. No way. This is my fault. All this
is my fault. I have some money in my
severance package. We're using it.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 104.
MAGGIE
Wait, he did this because of me. I have
a thousand dollars in tip money I want to
put in.
BUD
I have a couple thousand in the diner
emergency fund I'll put in, too.
Doug, who has been thinking all this over, stands up from
his chair.
DOUG
No. Nobody is paying anything.
Everyone stops and gives Doug a puzzled look. He has a
new fire behind his eyes. His suburban quietude has
transformed into something more... valiant.
WOODY
What?
DOUG
We're not calling the Highway patrol.
We're not gathering ten thousand dollars.
We're going over there and getting our
friend back.
CHARLEY
I don't think that's the safest plan.
DOUG
It's not. But sometimes you have to do
the things that aren't safe, to create a
world that you're happy being in. These
Hells Angels don't want our ten thousand
dollars. They want our dignity. They
want us to be afraid of them just like
this town is. And once they know we're
afraid, they can do whatever they want.
That's how these guys exist. That's how
they ride into this town and tear it to
pieces... Because people want to keep
their lives safe so badly, they give up
the best part about it...
Doug takes his Wild Hogs jacket and pulls it on.
DOUG (CONT'D)
.The adventure.
Doug looks at Woody and Bob. Woody smiles and pulls on
his jacket.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 105.
WOODY
And the friends.
Woody steps over to Doug. Bob looks at them for a
moment, then finally smiles and pulls on his jacket.
BOB
Let's go slap the bull.
Doug smiles and taps fists with Bob and Woody.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN STREET - LATER
MUSIC CUE: BLUE OYSTER CULT'S "(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER."
DOUG, BOB and WOODY walk along main street, shoulder to
shoulder. They look to each other with a smile. Even
though they're walking into the mouth of the beast,
they're finally who they were in college again.
Fearless. They approach the diner and stand out on the
street, like gunslingers in the Old West, calling their
enemy out of the saloon.
MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT
The front door of the bar opens and the HELLS ANGELS
swagger out. After a moment, the gang parts and JACK
steps out in front of them.
JACK
Well, well. The "Wild Hogs." I'm glad
to see you're finally showing us a little
respect.
DOUG
Where's Dudley?
Jack turns back and nods at one of the Hells Angels.
They push DUDLEY forward. We see he is now completely
cocooned in duct-tape - like a mummy. There is only a
small slit for his mouth and eyes.
DUDLEY
(muffled from tape)
Hey, guyth.
Doug shakes his head.
DOUG
Just hold tight, Dudley.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 106.
Dudley tries to nod, but can't. He leans his torso back
and forth to signal "yes."
DOUG (CONT'D)
(TO JACK)
All right. Hand him over.
JACK
Sure. Where's the cash?
Doug looks to Bob and Woody. They nod encouragingly.
Doug gathers his courage and turns back to Jack.
DOUG
We're not giving you any money.
Jack looks surprised.
JACK
Excuse me?
DOUG
We're not going to play your games.
We're all adults, here. It's not
highschool. I'm sorry your bar got
burned down, and we'll be glad to help
you get it rebuilt, but we're done being
bullied by you. Now give us back Dudley,
and get out of this town.
The Hells Angels start to laugh. Jack turns back to them
and smiles, "Can you believe these guys?" Doug is
starting to lose his cool.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(yells to Jack)
Give us back our friend, asshole!
The Hells Angels are suddenly silent. Jack turns back
and looks at Doug in disbelief - then rage. Doug starts
to look a little worried.
JACK
What did you just call me?
DOUG
(losing some confidence)
Ass... hole.
JACK
You know what? I was just going to
pulverize your friend, here.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 107.
JACK (CONT'D)
But now I'm pissed off. You're all going
to get hurt. Hells Angels style. Guys!
The Hells Angles nod and pick up various weapons:
Crowbars, tire irons, bats... They start moving towards
Doug, Woody and Bob. Bob looks to Doug.
DOUG
(TO BOB)
What!? I thought they'd back down!
WOODY
We can still outrun them. They're fat.
Woody turns around to see Hells Angles have now closed in
behind them, blocking their escape. Jack smiles.
JACK
Hear that, guys!? He called you all fat!
WOODY
shit.
(to Hells Angels)
I meant full-figured.
The Hells Angels close to within a few feet of the "Wild
Hogs," and raise their weapons to strike.
DOUG
Wait!! Wait a minute!
The Hells Angels stop.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(TO JACK)
You want to beat the shit out of us?
Fine. But you outnumber us forty to
three. You think there's honor in that?
Why don't we make it fair, if you guys
are so freaking tough? The leader of our
gang against the leader of yours.
Jack smirks. He's twice as big as Doug.
JACK
Me against you?
DOUG
Yeah. But not just for Dudley. If you
win, we'll give you ten grand and go back
home. You'll never see us again. But...
If I win, you let Dudley go and you never
set foot in Lucas again. This town is
off limits to the Hells Angels. Forever.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 108.
Jack looks back to the Hells Angels, who chuckle. This
will be a quick fight.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Well? You in, or are you too much of a
bitch?
The Hells Angels freeze. Jack grits his teeth in rage
and turns back to Doug.
JACK
All right. Let's party, tough guy.
DOUG
Great.
Doug nods, trying to look confidant, but it's quickly
fading away.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(UNSURE)
Great.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DOUG and JACK are standing "in their corners," opposite
each other in the dirt parking lot. They're surrounded
by a circle of Hells Angels, rowdily waiting for the
fight to commence. WOODY and BOB coach Doug in his
corner.
WOODY
Just stay clear of the big punches.
You've got more stamina than this guy.
DOUG
All right. When do I hit back?
WOODY
Um... Just try and get him tired. I
don't think punches will do much to him.
Doug gives Woody a concerned look. Woody shrugs. Jack
steps into the circle and throws off his jacket.
JACK
(CALLING OUT)
Time for your beating, yuppie!
7/06/05 109.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft
DOUG
(TO BOB)
Tell my wife I won - then got hit by a
truck.
Doug takes a deep breath and starts into the circle.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(TO JACK)
All right. Let's do this--
Doug doesn't even finish his sentence as Jack lands a
punch on the side of his head. Doug is stunned, as Jack
sends his other fist crashing into Doug's forehead. Doug
goes flying backwards, and falls down in the dirt. The
Hells Angels cheer. Jack high fives them as Doug
struggles back to his feet and looks back at Woody and
Bob, cradling his face.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Ow! Dammit Jesus that hurt!
(TO WOODY)
It really hurts. Damn!
Jack comes back over to Doug. Jack throws another right,
but this time Doug ducks, still cradling his jaw.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Yes!--
But Doug is instantly punched in the stomach by Jack's
other fist. Doug winces as he doubles over in agony.
Drool drips out of his mouth. This isn't pretty.
Jack takes him by the back of the shirt and lifts him
into the air. The Hells Angels cheer as Jack tosses Doug
five yards into the dirt.
JACK
Don't get tired yet. The hurt is just
beginning.
Doug tries to stand back up, but it's getting harder. He
slyly grabs a handful of sand as he starts to stand.
DOUG
Hah!
Doug whips around and throws the sand towards Jack's
face; However, his aim is off. The sand hits Jack in the
chest and falls away. Jack looks at Doug and shakes his
head.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 110.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Damn.
Jack punches Doug square in the face again. Doug
crumples to the ground in pain. Jack turns back to the
Hells Angels.
JACK
Man, this isn't even a workout.
Jack laughs and puts his aviator sunglasses back on, as
Doug quickly stands up and whips around at him.
DOUG
Ahhh!
Doug throws another handful of sand. This time he aims
carefully; but Jack now has sunglasses on. The sand
bounces harmlessly off the lenses. Doug cringes and
waits for the punch, which comes like a freight train
into his stomach. Doug doubles over again as Jack lines
up another punch.
JACK
This one's gonna break bone.
DOUG
Wait! Wait--
Doug straightens up and looks curiously at Jack's mouth.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Your tooth-- That's an acute periodontal
abscess.
JACK
What?
DOUG
look, I really hate you, but I don't want
to feel responsible for a death. I'm a
dentist. I took an oath. Same one as
doctors. If the infection in that tooth
gets to the root - it could seep into
your nervous system. Just let me look--
Doug slowly reaches towards Jack's mouth. Jack doesn't
move.
JACK
You're a dentist?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 111.
DOUG
Yeah. One of the best. And I know when
your gums are that swollen and your
BICUSPID--
And Wham! Doug punches Jack square in the mouth. Jack
goes down hard. Woody and Bob cheer.
BOB
Yeah, Doug!
WOODY
Quick! Start kicking him! Don't let him
get up!
Doug nods and goes to kick Jack, but Jack grabs the foot
and pushes him backwards. Doug falls back to the dirt.
Jack stands up and dusts himself off.
JACK
All right. Now you're going to die.
Jack approaches Doug, who closes his eyes and waits for
the end.
WOODY
Wait!!
Jack turns around as WOODY walks into the circle.
WOODY (CONT'D)
Doug's not the leader of this gang. I--
Jack instantly punches Woody in the face. Woody falls
down next to Doug. Doug turns his head to Woody.
They're both bleeding from their noses and lips.
DOUG
(TO WOODY)
Thanks, man.
WOODY
Sure.
Jack looks at Bob.
JACK
Anybody else the leader of this gang?
Bob takes a deep breath, and bends down an grabs a long
lead pipe. He starts towards Jack.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 112.
BOB
Alright, Mother f--
Bob suddenly trips on the lead pipe and hits the ground.
Doug shakes his head.
DOUG
(TO BOB)
Just stay down.
Bob nods.
JACK
Well, I guess that's all of you--
DUDLEY, still covered in tape, comes running into the
circle from the other side.
DUDLEY
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Dudley charges Jack, but his limited mobility results not
in a tackle, but in him leaning on Jack. After a moment,
Jack takes a step back and Dudley falls to the ground.
DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Ow.
Jack cracks his knuckles and looks to OILCAN.
JACK
Give me the crowbar.
Oilcan nods and hands it to Jack. Jack smiles at the
four fallen Wild Hogs.
JACK (CONT'D)
Guess you guys are wishing you'd
listened, now, huh?
Jack smiles as we hear:
SFX: SIREN
Jack and the Hells Angels look up the road.
ANGLE ON: DOWN STREET. CHARLEY is riding his shiny
Harley Davidson police bike. Behind him are BUCK and
EARL, driving a police cruiser. Behind the cruiser is a
large group of people carrying rakes, hedge clippers,
brooms... It's all the citizens of Lucas.
ANGLE ON: Hells Angels. They're stunned.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 113.
CHARLEY pulls up to the group and gets off his
motorcycle.
CHARLEY
All right, Jack. That'll be enough of
that.
JACK
Are you kidding? And what makes you
think you can ride a motorcycle without
our permission?
CHARLEY
I'll ride whatever I want from now on.
I'm the sheriff of Lucas, and I'm not
tolerating any more lawlessness.
BOB helps DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY to their feet, as Jack
takes a step towards Charley.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
I'd stop right there, Jack.
Earl and Buck get out of the cruiser with two shotguns.
They cock the guns and walk to Charley's side. Jack
looks concerned.
JACK
What? You're going to shoot us?
CHARLEY
No. Not unless you want to do something
stupid like ignoring--
Buck grabs his missing ear as he starts to loose his
balance. He tips over and falls. As he hits the ground,
the shotgun fires and hits OILCAN in the leg. Oilcan
falls to the ground.
OILCAN
Ahhhhhh! He shot me! I just got shot!!
Charley looks over at Buck, then back to Jack.
CHARLEY
Um... Yeah, I guess we're going to shoot
you.
The Hells Angels suddenly look nervous, and back up a few
steps. Charley steps towards Jack.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 114.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
We're not going to live in fear of your
gang anymore, Jack. If the Wild Hogs can
stand up to you - so can everyone of us.
The crowd of townspeople gathers behind Charley and nods.
BUD
(FROM CROWD)
That's right. You mess up our town,
we'll do the same to you!
The crowd cheers as THOMAS MILBORN, the guy Earl pointed
out as a child molester, steps forward.
THOMAS MILBORN
Yeah! People like you are the scum of
the earth!
The crowd is silent for a moment, then hesitantly gives a
uncomfortable cheer. Charley turns back to the Hells
Angels.
CHARLEY
The point is, from now on you need to
treat Lucas with kindness and respect.
And when you do, you'll be treated the
same. And if you don't...
Charley looks over at OILCAN, who's tending to the bullet
wound in his thigh.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
Then I guess we'll keep... shooting you.
Got it?
Jack looks at all the townspeople. He knows he's beaten.
He nods bitterly.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
Good. Now I'd like you to untape our
friend Dudley.
Jack signals to one of the Hells Angels. He grabs
Dudley's tape and spins him around to untape him.
DUDLEY
Ow. Ow! Ow, ow. Ow. Ow!...
After a painful minute, Dudley is untaped. Charley looks
at Jack's jacket.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 115.
CHARLEY
And I believe that's his jacket.
Jack begrudgingly takes off Dudley's "Wild Hogs" jacket
and tosses it to him. Dudley proudly puts it on.
CHARLEY (CONT'D)
And as I recall, that '51 Panhead was
traded to Dudley.
Jack looks over at the mint condition motorcycle and
shakes his head.
JACK
No way. He can have his Sportster back.
CHARLEY
Uh uh. A deal's a deal, Jack.
Jack grits his teeth and throws a set of keys at Dudley.
The crowd chatters in approval as Dudley gets on the '51
Panhead and starts the engine. He revs it a few times
and Jack shoots Doug an infuriated glare.
JACK
(TO DOUG)
Hope you're happy. You suburban posers
are a disease. You need to learn some
damn respect for real bikers.
Doug smiles.
DOUG
You still don't get it do you, Jack?
JACK
Get what?
DOUG
We are the real bikers.
As Doug says this, Dudley kicks the Panhead into gear and
shoots forward - out of control. He instantly crashes
into a steel light post. Everyone in the crowd cringes
DUDLEY LOOKS
as the bike falls over in a crumpled heap.
up from the ground.
DUDLEY
Yeah, I'll take the Sportster back, I
guess.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 116.
Jack just stares at the trashed motorcycle, mortified.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE POLICE STATION - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
It's later that afternoon in Lucas. DOUG, BOB and WOODY
walk to their motorcycles with CHARLEY, EARL and BUCK.
CHARLEY
Well, I wish you guys would stay longer.
DOUG
Ahh, we should be heading back. I think
we've had enough excitement for one trip.
Earl steps forward and shakes Doug's hand.
EARL
You guys were a blessing to this place.
I mean... I'm not going to get all
emotional like "hamburger head" here
always does.
Earl laughs and looks to his left. Buck isn't there. He
quickly looks to the right, where Buck is staring at him
in disbelief.
BUCK
What'd you just call me?
EARL
(CAUGHT)
Um...
BUCK
It's just a little scar! I'm still
better looking than you!
Buck goes to storm off, but after a few steps, tilts left
and falls over.
BUCK (CONT'D)
(FROM GROUND)
Dammit!
Doug shakes his head, then turns to Woody and Bob.
DOUG
(to Woody and Bob)
You guys ready to head back?
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 117.
Woody takes a deep breath and shakes his head.
WOODY
You know what? I think I'm going to
press on. Keep heading West.
DOUG
You are?
WOODY
Yeah. Why not? I feel good about my
life again. And I'd like to see what San
Francisco's all about.
Doug nods and looks to Bob. You can tell he wants to go.
BOB
I'm in, too! Let's ride to San--
Suddenly, a mini-van pulls up. KAREN and KELLY hop out.
BOB / DOUG
Karen? / Kelly?
KAREN
(TO BOB)
I told you I was coming, Bob!
KELLY
(TO DOUG)
Hey, honey.
Kelly kisses Doug. He smiles, glad to see her.
DOUG
Hey, baby. What are you doing here?
KELLY
Karen said you guys were in trouble. I
kept calling your cell, but somebody
programmed it to not receive calls from
our house.
Doug shoots Woody a look.
WOODY
(CAUGHT)
Excuse me.
Woody hurries over to his bike. KAREN turns to BOB.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 118.
KAREN
Well, I hope you guys had a nice trip.
Now get in the van. We're going home.
BOB
Um... Actually, we just decided we were
going to keep pressing West for a few--
KAREN
Oh, no. No way! I came all the way out
here, rented a car, drove to this podunk
LITTLE TOWN--
As Karen is saying this, Bob looks over at the guys, then
back to Karen. He can't take it anymore.
BOB
--Karen!
Karen stops talking, shocked by Bob raising his voice.
BOB (CONT'D)
Listen to me. This is My vacation and if
I want to ride on with my friends, well
that's what I'm going to do! And if you
have a problem with that, well... Tough
shit!
There's a moment of silence as Karen absorbs this. The
guys all look at Bob proudly. After a few seconds,
Karen's face softens.
KAREN
(SUDDENLY MEEK)
Okay. Sorry... Just... be careful.
Karen shyly kisses Bob on the cheek. Bob can't believe
it.
BOB
I will. And... I love you.
Bob smiles at her and gets on his bike.
ANGLE ON: DOUG and KELLY. Kelly looks at Doug.
KELLY
So are you going, too?
DOUG
I hadn't really decided. I have been
having a good time, though.
(MORE)
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 119.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(SMILES)
I even got beaten up.
Doug winks cockily. Kelly lights up.
KELLY
There he is! I saw old Doug!
Doug blushes.
DOUG
You'll see him even more if you and Billy
meet me in San Francisco. We've got a
suite at the Ritz-Carlton.
Doug smiles and gets onto his motorcycle. Kelly looks
concerned.
KELLY
What about work? And Billy's school?
Doug shrugs like he hasn't a care in the world.
DOUG
Ahh. We can risk it.
Kelly smiles and kisses him proudly. Doug grabs her face
and kisses her back... Then, turns to Woody and Bob.
DOUG (CONT'D)
We ready?
WOODY
I think so. Dudley? What do you think?
The camera PULLS OUT to reveal DUDLEY, sitting on his
motorcycle. Next to him, is MAGGIE, sitting in the rusty
sidecar now attached to Dudley's bike. She's wearing
Dudley's goggles and nods to him encouragingly. Dudley
looks back over to Doug, Bob and Woody.
DUDLEY
Let's ride.
They start their motorcycles. The engines roar to life.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY
The four motorcycles (and one sidecar) cruise down the
open highway. The guys smile as the wind blows in their
faces.
"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 120.
It's freedom, joy and friendship all wrapped up in one
expression. The camera PANS AROUND THEM, and finally
ZOOMS IN ON DOUG. We see his eyes sparkle a little bit,
and he opens his mouth:
DOUG
(SINGING)
I walk these streets, a loaded six string
on my back.
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make
it back...
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride!
I'm wanted...
The other guys smile and join in:
DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
Dead or alive!
They all look at each other as they continue to sing over
the roar of the engines:
DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Ohh, I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my
side!
I'M WANTED--
DOUG
Wante-ee--ed!
DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
Dead or aliiiivvvee!
MUSIC CUE: BON JOVI'S "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE."
The camera slowly PULLS OUT TO AN AERIAL SHOT, as the
guys joyfully ride along the sunlit highway.
It's a good day to be a Wild Hog.
FADE OUT:
END CREDITS
