Sugar and Spice
ON BLACK:
A large metal door SLAMS SHUT.
OFFICER (O.S.)
Single file - stay to the right of the
line...
FADE IN:
INT. POLICE STATION - WITNESS VIEWING ROOM - DAY
PAN ACROSS the frightened faces of NINE WITNESSES, eyes fixed
straight ahead. A POLICE OFFICER walks slowly past each -
FOOTSTEPS ECHOING in their fear.
OFFICER
Take your time. Take a good look.
He passes a nervous SAFEWAY CASHIER in uniform.
SAFEWAY CASHIER
Ah, a-are you sure they can't see us?
OFFICER
Two-way mirror, ma'am.
He passes a UNIFORMED CHEERLEADER, an OLDER WOMAN, then a
FACTORY WORKER, who removes his "Lincoln, Local 186" cap and
wipes his nervous brow.
FACTORY WORKER
But they're trained killers. A guy at
the plant says, "In 'Nam they could
smell ya!"
OFFICER
This is the United States of America,
Sir.
Officer reaches the end of the line - presses an intercom.
OFFICER (CONT'D)
(into intercom)
Face front.
Witnesses react - GASP - avert their eyes!
INT. POLICE STATION - LINE UP - DAY
The source of their fear - FIVE UNIFORMED CHEERLEADERS
against the suspect wall. They look like deer caught in
headlights.
A sixth cheerleader, DIAN WESTON, is helped up the steps.
One thing separates her from the rest - SHE'S SIX MONTHS
PREGNANT.
DIANE
(friendly, to female officer)
I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but is
this going to take long? It's game
night.
OFFICER
(on intercom)
Picture in three --
Like saying "walk" to a dog, the girls instantly smile.
OFFICER (CONT'D)
(on intercom)
-- two, one...
INT. POLICE STATION - LINE UP - DAY
FLASH WHITE to INDIVIDUAL MUG SHOTS (with CREDITS) over
LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL SONG.
MATCH DISSOLVE WHITE INTO:
A LIGHT hanging above a table.
FBI AGENT (O.S.)
...a heinous crime has been committed
here...
CAMERA CRANES DOWN TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
CAMERA TRACKS EYE LEVEL around the table where an FBI AGENT
(mid-40's, black suit), sits across from LISA JANUSCH
(cheerleader from the witness side) - pretty, in a man-made
way - bitchy in a B-squad Cheerleader way. Other black
suited AGENTS stand in the room. CHEERLEADER MUG SHOTS cover
the table.
FBI AGENT
...and testifying in such a case is a
serious matter. Should you decide your
testimony would jeopardize your personal
safety.
LISA
Look, "Sipowitz", I said I'd tell you
everything - I was just hoping to finish
up before menopause kicks in.
She smiles sweetly to the agent, then pushes Diane's MUG SHOT
toward him.
LISA (CONT'D)
(dropping smile)
Let's start with the one who thinks her
shit don't stink. Diane Weston.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DIANE'S BATHROOM - MORNING
CLOSE ON
Foggy, heart-shaped mirror.
LISA (V.O.)
She's like a goddamn poster child for
high school.
A HAND ENTERS FRAME and WIPES CLEAR the mirror, REVEALING
DIANE (pregnant cheerleader in opening - not pregnant now).
DIANE
(to self in mirror)
Morning, sunshine. Remember, these are
the best days of your life.
She starts to leave - then comes back.
DIANE (CONT'D)
-- so far!
She bucks her chin in the mirror and smiles - she's beyond
adorable.
LISA (V.O.)
If I wasn't such a lady, I'd tell you
what a bitch she really is.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
Sign reads "CHEERLEADING TRYOUTS." PAN DOWN a long line of
HOPEFUL GIRLS.
LISA (V.O.)
She's the A-squad captain - stole the
title from me. You should charge her
with that...
END ON
Diane, pompoms on hips, smiles toward the camera. A SIGN on
the floor in front of her reads: "SQUAD MEMBER." A SIGN to
her left reads: "CHALLENGER".
BRUCE, an effeminate young man, bounds up behind the
"CHALLENGER" sign - putting his pompoms on hips.
DIANE
Hey, Bruce! You look cute...
BRUCE
(off clothes)
Tommy Hilfiger. I'm hoping fourth
year's a charm.
He crosses his fingers and arms. Diane smiles. LISA runs in
frame and SHOVES Bruce to the ground.
LISA
Outta my way, fag. I'm up.
Humiliated, Bruce RUNS O.S. Lisa takes his place, looks
straight ahead and smiles, pompoms on hips.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This really should have been my year. I
had a lotta work done - I-I mean,
y'know, I'd done a lotta work over the
summer.
Diane can't take her eyes off Lisa.
DIANE
Lisa?... Is-is that you?
LISA'S STUDENT I.D. drops INTO FRAME - her nose is big, she
has no chin.
LISA
(looks straight ahead)
I lost a little weight.
I.D. LEAVES FRAME
LISA (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You could tell it made her nervous.
Diane shakes her head in disbelief and turns forward.
DIANE/LISA
Ready?
(pompoms snap to waist)
Okay!
POMPOMS SNAP TO THIGHS and the CHEER BEGINS.
Diane is effortless as she glides, jumps and smiles through
it - clearly better than Lisa.
LISA (V.O.)
But they have to, y'know, spread the
talent around, so I've been on the B
squad for four years.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Lisa pushes the rest of the mug shots toward the FBI agent.
LISA
Now, the squad as a whole? They're
closer than Carolina cousins. Some
people say they're, like, lezbos or
something. But that's mostly just the
yag-offs in band...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - DAY
FIVE PAIR of LEGS with MATCHING ANKLETS and WHITE KEDS dangle
from the stalls.
LISA (V.O.)
...truth is, they're so close - they all
get their monthly visit from "Aunt Rose"
at the same time.
A HAND REACHES UNDER the first stall, PASSING A BOX OF
TAMPONS to the next stall - and so on down the line.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
First, there's Hannah Wold...
FIRST STALL DOOR
HANNAH WOLD, a large, pretty girl in uniform, exits and
crosses to the mirror.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She's their base. Strong as an ox.
She's like this Uber-Christian - doesn't
say much. I mean, if she wasn't kinda
pretty, you'd go, "Hey, who's the tard?"
NEXT STALL DOOR
CLEO MILLE, pretty, starlet-type, wears plenty of make-up.
She lifts the front of her uniform sweater, holds it with her
teeth.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Then, there's Cleo Miller...
She opens her purse, pulls out a gel breast and stuffs it in
one cup of her bra.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Number one - not a natural blonde.
She REPEATS for the other breast, then pulls her sweater
down.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I know. I've been in the locker room
and seen south of the border. Number
two --
(whispers)
She has to see the school shrink.
Cleo lifts the back of her skirt - REVEALING CONAN O'BRIEN'S
face SILKSCREENED on her underpants (thought bubble above his
head reads "Friday... I love Cleo."). She KISSES HER HAND
and plants it on his/her cheek.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Cleo sits in front of the SCHOOL COUNSELOR.
CLEO
Dreams? You mean, like, where I'm in
Conan's all leather apartment - I don't
know if he has one, that's why it's a
dream - and suddenly we're buck-naked
and all oiled up. I don't know where
the oil comes from - again, that's why
it's a dream.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Next STALL DOOR SHAKES, but DOESN'T OPEN.
LISA (V.O.)
Cleo's weird, but Kansas Hill - that
girl's crazy.
HANDS APPEAR on top of the stall door - and KANSAS HILL,
petite, cute in a trashy, monster-truck-pull, kinda way -
CRAWLS UNDER.
KANSAS
Son-of-a-blue-balled-bitch! I always
get this one.
LISA (V.O.)
Mouth on her that could stop a bull in
heat. Gets her nut-brain from her mom.
See, Mrs. Hill's been in prison since
the day Kansas was born...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - 1983 - NIGHT
MRS. HILL'S blurry POV - from her hospital bed.
LISA (V.O.)
She was lying there, in labor with
Kansas, when she sees something going on
in the next bed.
Mrs. Hill's POV PANS LEFT - NEXT BED comes into focus.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Turns out it's Kansas' dad, uh, taking a
nurse's temp. Stay with me, I'm trying
to be delicate.
FOCUS CLEARS
In silhouette, a MAN is FUCKING a NURSE.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
So, Mrs. Hill whips out a shotgun and
blows his ass to kingdom come.
We see this - still in MRS. HILL'S POV.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Jury said, because the majority of women
in Lincoln County having babies don't
bring a shotgun, it counted as
premeditation.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LISA (V.O.)
She got life without parole, so Kansas
lives with her grandparents.
The next stall door opens and LUCY - cute, smart, very tidy -
EXITS, suddenly stopping to look down.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Then there's Lucy...
She takes out a WHITE-OUT BOTTLE and touches a spot on her
already white Keds... stands... looks... then touches a spot
on the other shoe...
LISA (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Geek extraordinaire - a walking left
brain. She's supposed to have this
genius I.Q.?
She then starts an obsessional frenzy of "whiting out" spots
all over her Keds. DIANE exits the final stall and takes
away Lucy's white-out.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Truth is, she's an obsessive-compulsive
little freak.
DIANE/LISA
Hands in, ladies.
Squad joins Diane in a circle, putting their hands over her
hand - a la Madonna, backstage.
DIANE
Today, we're going to cheer loud, jump
high, and look pretty because --
DIANE/SQUAD
CHEER-LEADERS-KICK --
IN ONE BEAT, ALL SWING RIGHT ARMS OVER HEAD, landing with a
SMACK on the "ASS" of the girl to their right.
DIANE
Now let's get going - because nobody
ever got ahead by sitting on their
behind!
As all run out, we:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
PRINCIPAL SMITH, a man who burned out long ago, stands behind
a microphone on a small stage as he's done for 45 years.
The LINCOLN HIGH "FIGHTIN' LOG" MASCOT (looks like an angry
Tootsie Roll with legs and overly muscular arms) stands
beside him, pantomiming everything he says. STUDENTS fill
bleachers on either side.
LISA (V.O.)
The school year started off like normal.
Principal Smith gave his pep talk --
PRINCIPAL SMITH
(reading from a list)
... and if you are approached to buy
drugs, let someone you trust know. If
you are thinking of harming yourself or
others, let someone know. If it burns
when you urinate, have milky seepage or
are being touched by an uncle - let
someone know...
Mascot looks at him, tries to pantomime.
LISA (V.O.)
The A-squad performed...
GYM LIGHTS GO DARK. STUDENTS SCREAM. DRUM CORP. and BRASS
BAND start "ROCK & ROLL PART II" by Gary Glitter.
The SPOTLIGHT RACES around the gym before it hits center
court. The A-squad springs to their feet for an amazing
cheer/dance - strong, sexy, acrobatic, non-traditional.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Now, I know it's my duty to give you all
the facts, so I have to say that their
cheer blew like a bulimic after
Christmas dinner. Their blatant
disregard for National High School
Cheerleading Association rules made me
sick. "Basket toss flips and wolf wall
pyramids over two people high are
strictly prohibited." I made a complete
report and sent it in.
JACK'S POV
Outside the gym doors.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And finally, the football team was
introduced.
PRINCIPAL SMITH (O.S.)
Transferring from Truman High, the new
star quarter back of our mighty Fightin'
Logs!
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!
LISA (V.O.)
That's when Jack and Diane met. Nobody
saw it coming...
CAMERA TURNS, PLAYERS head-butt and high-five CAMERA/Jack as
he starts through the door - looking around gym. SLOW MOTION
FREEZE-FRAME as the SPOTLIGHT HITS CAMERA/Jack.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Especially not Jack...
SOUND DISTORTS. It's LOUD and CONFUSING. THROUGH IT, we see
the A-squad running and doing back flips toward CAMERA/Jack.
As the squad nears CAMERA/Jack, SUDDENLY Diane's Ked-clad
foot comes INTO FRAME and SMASHES INTO CAMERA/Jack.
DIP TO BLACK
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He fell for her hard.
IRIS OPEN. DIANE hovers over CAMERA/Jack, apologizing,
looking angelic. A-squad surrounds her. Suddenly a frantic
mascot breaks through, tips his log head back - IT'S BRUCE
(from try-outs) - mouthing "NOOOOOO!" He pulls CAMERA/Jack
UP.
ANGLE ON
Mascot/Bruce as he drags his prize quarterback out of the
gym. Jack and Diane's eyes never separate.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Jack was fine - oh man, was he fine. It
was like he was a bar of chocolate and
the whole school was on the rag -
everyone wanted a piece of him...
CLOSE ON
Diane's mouth.
DIANE
Jack Bartlett... Jack Bart-lett... Jack
Bar-t-lett.
She continues as we PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:
INT. DIANE'S BATHROOM - THAT NIGHT
It's an early 80's dream. The squad sits on their sleeping
bags, in a circle, on the floor. They're painting nails,
giving henna tattoos, streaking hair, etc. Hannah has a
OUIJA BOARD in front of her, hands resting on the "MESSAGE
INDICATOR." Diane has her eyes closed.
DIANE
... Ja-ck B-ar-t-le-tt... Is Jack
Bartlett interested in me?
HANNAH
(nervous)
I-I'm sorry - can someone else please
run the Ouija board? It's creepy, it's
wrong and it goes against the teachings
of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
KANSAS
Hannah, in order to get real answers
from the netherworld, you've gotta have
a Christian virgin run the board. Your
kind is pure of heart - the devil won't
dick with you.
HANNAH
(looking down)
Well technically, I don't think I'm a
virgin anymore.
Squad REACTS!
HANNAH (CONT'D)
Yeah. This summer at church camp? I'm
pretty sure I had, y'know, an orgasm.
KANSAS
Hold up, hold up. Any sentence that
starts with "at church camp" ain't
leading to the big "O."
CLEO
That's not true. Those pictures of
Christ - all sweaty and bare-chested on
the cross - always kinda made me hot.
Squad just stares at her.
KANSAS
Anyway, last time I checked, you still
had to have sex to have an orgasm. And
I know she ain't seen the lord on all
fours - so I'm just saying.
DIANE
Well, I want to know what happened --
HANNAH
Okay, one night, around sunset, I went
horseback riding with the nuns. They
went every night. And, well, we're
trotting pretty hard, y'know? The hard
leather saddle, pounding between my
legs...
CLEO
I just got a little squishy...
HANNAH
All of a sudden, I feel... I feel... I
feel just super alive...
(whispering)
"down there." I swear I thought it was
the second coming.
KANSAS
Nope. Sounds more like the first.
DIANE
(taking the hand-piece)
I'll just ask the question myself... "Is
Jack Bartlett interested in me?"
As the hand-piece starts to move on the board, we:
INT. JACK'S SPLIT-LEVEL - GARAGE - MORNING
Jack (with a red Ked print on his cheek) stands with THREE
FOOTBALL PLAYERS looking under the hood of his '75 GTO.
They've all got one hand in back pocket, the other wrapped
around a beer.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
You do the bondo yourself?
JACK
Yeah.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
Sure-is-sweet.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
What'll she do?
JACK
Never opened her up.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
S-weet.
JACK
Who was the girl who kicked me in the
head yesterday?
FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
Diane Weston.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
Now she sure is sweet.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - AUDITORIUM - DAY
SIGN hangs above the stage. "HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN
CANDIDATES." A row of STUDENT CANDIDATES, including Jack,
Diane and Lisa, sit behind a BUTCH GIRL at the podium.
LISA (V.O.)
Look, I'll be honest with you. Most of
us realized we didn't have a whore's
chance in heaven with Jack the day of
candidate speeches.
As the Butch Girl concludes her speech, she holds a sign over
her head which reads, "4-H - A WAY OF LIFE!"
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATER
A GEEKY GUY stands at the podium.
GEEKY GUY
As the A.V. Club candidate, I think, for
the first time in fifty years, we should
say --
(nervous)
NO to a football player as king!
Two HIGH-PITCHED MALE VOICES cheer O.S.
GEEKY GUY (CONT'D)
Vote brains over braun!
A FOOTBALL flies INTO FRAME, hitting Geeky Guy on the
FOREHEAD.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATER
Jack stands at the podium, unable to speak because the CROWD
IS CHEERING! He's handsome as hell, sweet and genuine. You
can't help but love him and you really want to fuck him.
LISA (V.O.)
It was the first time most of us even
heard Jack speak.
JACK
Whoa...Thanks, uh - WOW. Uh, hey,
alright...okay, uh --
LISA (V.O.)
We weren't disappointed.
JACK
Guys! Hey, guys! Shut up a minute.
The crowd QUIETS down.
JACK (CONT'D)
Well, uh, I think it just really rocks
that the football team picked me as
their, y'know, uh, candidate.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS AD-LIB "Yeah! Whoa Kick ass!"
FEMALE VOICES
We love you, Jack!
JACK
Hey, well, I love you lunch ladies!
Audience LAUGHS.
JACK (CONT'D)
I just want to say that there are only
three things I want in life - to someday
become a senator of this great state...
Audience CHEERS.
JACK (CONT'D)
I want to lead the Lincoln High Fightin'
Logs to victory at the homecoming game --
Audience CHEERS!
JACK (CONT'D)
Okay, okay... Uh, and I... I want to go
to the homecoming dance with Diane
Weston.
STUNNED SILENCE. Diane stares at him. Lisa looks pissed.
The school SUDDENLY ERUPTS with CHEERS! Jack turns to Diane.
She runs up to the podium. They hug and kiss.
LISA (V.O.)
Ucht! They were like friggin' Barbie
and Ken, but without the pink, remote
control Corvette. Overnight people were
going, like --
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
Average GIRL faces CAMERA - MOUTHING:
LISA (V.O.)
"Oh, they're the perfect couple!"
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
ANOTHER average GIRL faces CAMERA - MOUTHING:
LISA (V.O.)
"They're so cuuuuuuuuute!"
INT. GEEKY GUY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Geeky Guy sits alone, typing frantically at his computer,
stopping occasionally to push up his glasses.
LISA (V.O.)
I'm sure it gave the internet whacks
something to talk about besides Agent
Scully and their most recent wet dream.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - AUDITORIUM - DAY
Jack and Diane are still in a love-lock.
LISA (V.O.)
Now, I'm not one to gossip, but I think
Jack and Diane got so close so fast
because they discovered how much they
both loved...
MUSIC UP:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH HALL - CLOSET - DAY
QUICK TWO-SECOND CUTS
CLOSE ON
Janitorial Closet Door. An excited Diane and Jack meet in
front of it, kiss and roll into the closet.
INT. WRESTLING GYM - DAY
A CLIMBING ROPE hangs in the middle of the shot. Suddenly a
disheveled Jack slides down. A beat later, Diane follows.
They kiss and part ways - dropping hands at the last minute.
INT. SCHOOL HALL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
CLOSE ON
Door. Red-faced Jack and Diane peek out, look to see they're
alone, kiss good-bye, then head off in opposite directions.
DOOR CLOSES to reveal a sign "Principal Smith."
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT
It's COLD and LOUD. Starting on his own 10 YARD LINE, Jack
takes the hike, looks left, right - pumps once - twice -
NOTHING. He bursts through the line, dodging - weaving -
leaping over his opponents.
ON THE CLOCK
15 seconds...
ON THE A-SQUAD
holding their breath, pompons at the ready. Mascot runs past
them, pantomiming "nervous" to the crowd by biting his nails
and knocking his knees.
ON JACK
as he reaches the line of scrimmage. There's ONE DEFENDER
LEFT. Jack fakes left, right - takes the tackle - but
manages to roll out of it! HE-COULD-GO-ALL-THE...
ON THE CROWD
They're going wild!
ON THE A-SQUAD
running along the sideline - Diane leading the way!
ON JACK
he looks right - sees Diane and mouths "I love you!"
JACK'S POV
Diane mouths "I love you!"
DIANE'S POV
Jack makes the touchdown, spikes the ball, and starts a slow
run toward us - arms outstretched. WE run toward him in SLOW
MOTION. SUDDENLY a WALL OF PLAYERS enter frame and tackles
him in celebration.
END MUSIC.
LISA (V.O.)
Now, right about here's where the real
shit started to hit the fan... Don't
worry - I'll clean this up a bit if I
have to appear in court -- especially if
we're on "Court TV."
INT. DIANE'S SPLIT-LEVEL - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
SFX: DOORBELL
DENNIS WESTON (Diane's Dad) opens the door while DEEDEE
(Diane's Mom) FLASHES a PHOTO of a surprised Jack and his
parents.
DEEDEE
Well, there's a Christmas card.
DENNIS
Come in, come in...
All enter the FOYER. Jack looks gorgeous in his tux. His
parents are just like Diane's - mid-40's housewife and middle
management drone. Their children are their lives.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Say Jack, why don't you go light a fire
under Diane.
JACK
I'm on it, Mr. Weston.
Jack smiles and bounds up the stairs - two at a time.
DEEDEE
Oh - say, where're my manners. I'm
DeeDee - you can remember me because of
my double "D's."
She LAUGHS with Dennis as if it's the first time she's said
it. We see where Diane gets her perk - and her body.
DENNIS
And I'm Diane's Dad, Dennis. Do not try
that after one of my Screwdrivers!
Dennis and DeeDee LAUGH again.
DEEDEE
(recovering)
Whoooo - now who wants some pigs-in-a
blanket?
INT. SPLIT-LEVEL - DIANE'S BEDROOM - LATER
ANGLE ON
Vanity mirror. Diane is putting on lip gloss - she looks
beautiful in her gown. We see JACK ENTER in the b.g. She
turns. He reacts to her beauty.
DIANE
Hi, Jack.
JACK
Excuse me, Vendela, have you seen Diane?
We're supposed to go to the homecoming
dance tonight.
Diane LAUGHS. They move in for a hormonally driven kiss.
INT. SPLIT-LEVEL - LIVING ROOM - LATER
All are seated. The women are enjoying pigs-in-a-blanket
while the men suck back screwdrivers.
LISA (V.O.)
I obviously wasn't there the night they
all met, but it was probably a super
goober fest.
DeeDee enthusiastically MOUTHS the following:
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(mocking DeeDee's voice)
"Your Jack's one heck of a good football
player."
Jack's Dad MOUTHS the following:
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(mocking Jack's Dad's voice)
"I don't know how he can concentrate
with your lovely Diane cheering on the
sidelines?!"
They all LAUGH.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
"Ha, ha, ha, ha..." Ucht!
Jack and Diane enter the holding hands. DeeDee goes crazy
FLASHING PHOTOS. All AD-LIB adoration.
JACK
Hold on a minute. Hold on. I have an
announcement.
Jack puts his arm around Diane - they're beaming.
JACK (CONT'D)
Me and Diane, uh... we decided we're
going to get married.
The parents react with shock, then absolute joy! DeeDee
starts to cry - turning the CAMERA on HERSELF.
DEEDEE
Oh, oh, mother of the bride - I'm
allowed!
DIANE
But not before... I have our baby.
All FREEZE - the calm before the shit storm. Suddenly,
Jack's Mom throws her head back and lets out a BLOOD CURDLING
SCREAM.
SMASH CUT TO:
JACK AND DIANE'S STUNNED FACES
PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:
INT. JACK'S GTO - MINUTES LATER
DIANE
... so when your dad said, "I never want
to see your "f-'in' faces again!" do you
think he meant forever or just until
your mom wakes up?
JACK
I don't know... And what the hell was
that sound she made right before she hit
the coffee table.
DIANE
Well, if I had to guess...
(convincing self)
I'd say that was the sound of a mother
saying good-bye to her little boy and
hello to a young man who's going to be a
daddy of his own...
(getting an idea, cradling his
face)
Jack, do you know what I see here?
JACK
Spit from your dad?
DIANE
(wiping his hair)
I see a flower. And y'know, even the
most beautiful flowers still grow from
dirt.
JACK
Yeah.
DIANE
So, while we're knee deep in right now -
and things seem pretty "stinky" - in the
long run, we're going to grow strong
from this.
JACK
Y'think?
DIANE
I sure do.
BEAT.
JACK
(trust and love in his eyes)
Diane, I've loved you ever since I first
saw you -- right before you kicked me in
the head.
DIANE
(touched)
Oh, Jack...
As they move in for a kiss, we:
WIPE TO:
A SEA OF BALLOONS FLOATING UP THROUGH FRAME. LOUD MUSIC UP.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - LATER
Jack and Diane are on stage, wearing crowns and large velvet
robes - they turn and wave! They won! They appear to be
floating on a sea of balloons.
WIPE TO:
A SEA OF BALLOONS FLOATING DOWN THROUGH FRAME.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT
FIVE PAIR of LEGS with HIGH HEELS dangle from the STALLS.
(We've seen this shot before.) MUSIC from the dance presses
through the walls. A HAND REACHES UNDER the first stall,
PASSING A BOX OF TAMPONS to the next stall.
LISA (V.O.)
Diane must've told her squad that night.
BOX OF TAMPONS CONTINUES down the line - UNTIL THE LAST
STALL. Diane's hand comes down and pushes the TAMPONS BACK.
DIANE
(in last stall)
No thanks - don't need one.
FIRST STALL DOOR FILES OPEN, followed by the SECOND, THIRD -
it sticks, Kansas climbs over - and FOURTH! (Cleo exits
fixing her gel breast.) The squad surrounds Diane's stall
door. She finally exits.
DIANE (CONT'D)
(looking at everyone a beat)
So...
Stunned silence.
LISA (V.O.)
I'm sure they were thrilled. I mean, if
Diane said jump, they'd say "Double
Dutch," "Shoot the Moon," or "Split
Russian?"
Suddenly, everyone starts talking at once.
CLEO
Holy shit.
LUCY
You just became a statistic!
KANSAS
(suddenly happy)
Oh my G-d! I'm not first!
HANNAH
But you're not married.
CLEO
Wait! Did you say you are pregnant or
you were pregnant... You had it, threw
it out and you're gonna go back and
dance all night!
KANSAS
Shut up, Cleo. Di, how much do you need
for an abortion?
HANNAH
(suddenly freaked)
What?! No! Not an abortion! My church
can arrange for you to go to Oregon and
take care of a "sick aunt" for nine
months. Then they put your baby good
home and you come back - a little dazed
and puffy - but everything's fine! Oh
please, Di, don't be a whore and a
murderer!
All FREEZE - no one can believe she just said that.
LISA (V.O.)
Jack told the team that night, too.
CUT TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GUYS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT
Jack and a bunch of FOOTBALL PLAYERS in tuxes stand at the
urinals, BACKS TO CAMERA.
JACK
Hey, guys? Uh, I got Diane pregnant.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
What?! Well - all right!
He HIGH-FIVES Jack with his free hand.
FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
You nailed Diane Weston? I'd never wash
my Johnson again!
He HIGH-FIVES Jack on the other side with his free hand as
the OTHER FOOTBALL PLAYERS also HIGH-FIVE each other. They
all freak out when they realize they are touching each other
while PEEING.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT
All still stare at Hannah
HANNAH
I-I didn't mean to say "whore," Diane.
I just hear it so much at church - it
kinda came flying out of my head.
DIANE
I know, Hannah. Look, I'm not going to
get an abortion. I mean, I always
planned to get married and have kids -
I'm just going a little out of order.
Kinda reminds me of another young lady
who found herself "with child,"
unmarried, on a long road, with no place
to sleep. 'Course, that was a long-long
time ago. But no matter what, she held
her head high and said... "Pappa don't
preach, I'm in trouble deep. Pappa
don't preach, 'cause I'm keepin' my
baby. Hey. I'm gonna keep my baby."
The great one...
All take hands and lower their heads.
DIANE (CONT'D)
(with reverence)
Madonna.
KANSAS
We're here for you, Diane.
All move in to hug her.
LISA (V.O.)
I guess their little fairy tale could've
ended there, "And they lived happily
ever after." Only problem was...
(with great joy, laughing)
they didn't have a place to live!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BANK - NEXT DAY
REVERSE ANGLE
Jack and Diane sit in front of an older LOAN OFFICER'S desk.
SIGN READS: "Your home for home loans." Loan officer looks
over papers as Jack and Diane look excitedly at one another.
Diane takes Jack's hand.
LOAN OFFICER
I'm sorry.
DIANE
What?! But all our paperwork's there.
My school records, Jack's football
records...
LOAN OFFICER
Let me explain something...
DIANE
No. Wait! Did I say Promise! Cross-my
heart and hope-to-die, stick-a-needle-in
my-eye we'll never miss a payment?!
LOAN OFFICER
Uh, yes. Yes you did.
JACK
Diane. Hold on a minute. I think I
know where this is going.
(sotto, to loan officer)
I'm willing to put up the papers for my
Mustang - she's got a few miles on her,
but she looks great.
LOAN OFFICER
I'm sure, son, but --
JACK
Okay! Stop twisting my arm! I'll throw
in the speakers.
LOAN OFFICER
Look, kids, why don't you just have your
parents come i n and get a loan? Then
they could give you the money.
DIANE
(building from a slow burn)
With all due respect, Jack and Diane
Bartlett...
They exchange a smile, first time saying this.
DIANE (CONT'D)
...do not accept charity. We are two
young, able-bodied Americans. We do not
want a handout. We want a hand-up.
Give us food and we will be hungry
tomorrow. Give us corn - the kind you
plant, not eat - and we'll grow our own
food and... and, uh, then cut it, and -
uh, y'know eat it! Now, if you're
interested in giving us a home loan, I
will sit back down. If not, have a nice
day, Ma'am.
LOAN OFFICER
Sorry. My hands are tied.
Diane makes a dramatic exit, taking a handful of M&M's from
her desk. The squad, (previously unidentified) lounging in
the central bank of couches, follows her.
JACK
(watching proudly)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON
CLOSE ON
A smiling Jack and Diane as they look lovingly into each
other's eyes.
DIANE
Well... it's a little more than we
wanted to spend, but we'll take it!
They kiss. PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:
INT. APARTMENT - LATER
It's a semi-furnished shit-hole. The ONLY WINDOW looks out
on a BRICK WALL. The APARTMENT MANAGER, a grungy, Tommy Lee
type, paces.
APARTMENT MANAGER
Fine. Just remember, I manage the
building. I don't, like, own it or fix
it. So, like, I don't care if shit
breaks. All I care is that the rent is
shoved under my door on the first. Oh,
and if there's, like, packages outside
my door? Leave 'em the hell alone.
He exits. Jack and Diane are not listening - lost in each
others' eyes.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BURGER BIN (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT
CUSTOMER POV
Jack, in uniform, stands behind the counter.
JACK
(stilted)
Welcome to Burger Bin.
(sotto)
Don't get the Filet-O-Fish - the fry
cook picks his ass.
WIDEN TO REVEAL
An ANGRY COOK standing behind Jack.
WIPE PAN TO:
INT. LINCOLN TACO (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT
CUSTOMER POV
Jack, in uniform, behind the counter. He looks confused as
he presses buttons on his high-tech register.
JACK
(accenting Spanish words)
Two Taco Grannnndes, one burrrrrrito,
large ta-co chips and guacamooooooole...
WHIP PAN TO:
INT. GRAMMA'S FRIED CHICKEN (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT
CUSTOMER POV
Jack stands at the counter - in uniform.
JACK
(sotto to customer)
We don't really have fried rats in the
buckets - I know, I checked.
WHIP PAN TO:
INT. LINCOLN TACO (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT
SAME SCENE
PULL BACK to reveal a long line waiting.
JACK
(looking up from register)
That'll be...uh, thirty five cents,
please.
WHIP PAN TO:
INT. DINKIE'S DONUTS (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT
CUSTOMER POV
Jack stands at the counter, in sailor uniform. An OLD NAVY
MAN, all in white, stands in the B.G. cleaning his nails with
a knife.
JACK
(nervous, looks over shoulder)
Welcome to Dinkie's Donuts.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A hurt and angry Jack walks in, still in sailor uniform.
Diane's in bed eating and doing homework.
JACK
Dinkie is a bad, bad man...
INT. VIDEO BARN - NIGHT
Jack stands in front of the counter, THREE SOCIAL RETARDS
(Jack's age) behind it. Jack hands them his application.
JACK
(defeated)
Y'know what? I'll save you the time.
I'm not going to lie. I don't believe
in it. If you pick your ass - I'm going
to tell people. I have no idea how to
run your registers. And, if any of you
are hard core drinkers and like to throw
knives, well, I'm outta here right now.
TED
Uh, are, uh, you-you're Jack Bartlett,
right?
JACK
Yeah.
TED
You'd be, like, hangin' out with us
every night after school, right?
JACK
Yeah - well, after football practice.
CHRIS
(savoring the words)
Football practice - fantasmic.
The social retards look at each other, excited.
TED
You're hired!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SAFEWAY - CEREAL AISLE - LATE AFTERNOON
MUZAK UP. A worried Diane, now showing slightly under all
black warm-ups, is writing on her notepad as she walks down
an aisle. Suddenly, in the B.G. CROSS AISLE, an ecstatic
Jack, in "Video Barn" uniform, WHIZZES PAST, riding his cart.
Arms out at his sides.
JACK
I'm on top of the world!
Seeing Diane, he tries to stop, but can't and continues past.
A SECOND LATER, he scrambles back and rides up to her -
tossing more boxes into the already FULL CART.
JACK (CONT'D)
(holding box of cookies)
Hey, Di, if we have a girl, we should
dress her like Little Debbie!
Jack pulls alongside Diane and kisses her. She notices the
full cart. It'll cost a fortune.
DIANE
Jack, sweetie, I'm only eating for two.
JACK
(positively giddy)
But Di, all this food reminds me of how
much I want to teach our baby.
He tosses more cereal in the cart. Diane looks at her
notepad, then starts to return items to the shelves WITHOUT
JACK NOTICING.
JACK (CONT'D)
Like Cocoa Puffs. Good. Captain
Crunch. Bad. Shreds the roof of your
mouth. I mean you hear, "Tricks are for
kids!" And you think, "I'm a kid, I
guess they're for me." But your baby
brain's got no idea that Fruit Loops
are, like, a million times better. I'm
going to save our kid all that pain.
DIANE
Jack...
JACK
(putting all three in cart)
If you could be Count Chocula,
Frankenberry or Trix the Rabbit, who'd
you be?
DIANE
(removing the box)
Trix...
JACK
Me too! Will it ever end?!
(yelling to the store)
I love this lady!
He kisses her as SHE SLIPS ANOTHER BOX on the shelf.
DIANE
Jack, I think I should get a job.
JACK
(rubbing her belly)
But we agreed your job is running the
baby machine...
DIANE
I know, but that was before.
JACK
Ah! I almost forgot gas for the baby
machine. I'll grab your Snickers and
get a place in line.
He kisses her again and runs off. Diane watches him - the
love in her eyes quickly turns back to worry and she starts
to put everything back on the shelves: cookies, cereal,
chips, ice cream - oh, that struggle, but it goes...
INT. SAFEWAY CHECK OUT STAND - LATER
ANGLE ON AISLE
Diane emerges with an almost empty cart. Just milk, peanut
butter, bread and a large roast are all that remain.
JACK (O.S.)
Hey, Di!
Diane turns to see Jack, a couple aisles over, holding out a
LITTLE KID WITH GLASSES.
JACK (CONT'D)
(in a funny voice)
Hello, I'm the little professor.
Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like
this?!
A WOMAN RUSHES over and ANGRILY grabs her kid back from Jack,
punches him and storms off. Diane rushes in line, ditching
the roast in a gum rack beside the check-out.
As she struggles with it, she notices a WOMAN at the LINCOLN
SAVINGS AND LOANS BRANCH (inside the Safeway at the end of
the check-out aisles) putting out a HELP WANTED sign.
INT. JACK'S MUSTANGE - MOMENTS LATER
Jack drives as Diane devours a king size Snickers bar.
JACK
I never knew you dreamed of working in a
grocery store bank branch. Baby, we are
living the great American Dream!
DIANE
(mouth full of Snickers)
Mmm-hmmm...
Unseen by Jack, Diane slips her hand out the partially open
window, releasing a PAGE from her NOTEPAD.
On the BLOWING LIST as the Mustang drives on:
DIANE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(mouth full)
If you reach for the stars, you're bound
to get -- mm-Jack, pull over.
JACK (O.S.)
Huh? Oh Jesus...
EXT. JACK'S MUSTANG (SWERVES TO STOP) - SUNSET
He pulls over.
JACK (O.S.)
Why do they call it morning sickness?
In the UNFOCUSED B.G., Diane opens her door and crawls out,
about to toss her cookies. In the F.G., the LIST settles on
the road: FROM THE BEAUTIFUL MIND OF DIANE is a pre-printed
on the top. Diane wrote "Monthly Income" column which totals
"$525." Her "Monthly Bills" column totals "$845." "ONE
MONTH LEFT" is scribbled at the bottom.
MUSIC UP:
MONTAGE BEGINS
INT. SAFEWAY - SEAFOOD DEPARTMENT/BANK BRANCH - DAY
CLOSE ON A FISH
In the seafood case. The BUTCHER's hand comes in, takes it
out, and flops it on the scale.
ANGLE ON
Oscillating fan behind him. Follow the smell as it drifts
from the counter over to Diane, working in the Bank Branch.
She sniffs, sniffs again, then suddenly gags and goes down
behind the counter.
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON
Diane's belly. Jack's HAND comes into frame, tracing it
against the wall. PULL BACK as DIANE steps away. We SEE TWO
LINES labelled, "AUGUST" and "SEPTEMBER" on the wall. They
smile and kiss.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
SLOW MOTION
The squad, in uniform, walks toward camera in a line across
the hall - looking cool as hell.
ANGLE BEHIND
Squad walks away. An ADDITIONAL PIECE OF FABRIC has been
added to the back of Diane's skirt.
INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jack and Diane open the front door. The BUILDING MANAGER
pushes in a big screen TV. MUSIC UNDER.
BUILDING MANAGER
I need a place to keep this. Anyone
asks, what d'ya know? You don't know
shit.
SCHOOL BAND MUSIC UP. Jack and Diane hug each other, they
have a TV!
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT
Jack hikes the ball, steps back to throw, but trips on his
shoe laces.
ON THE CROWD
All are silent. A HECKLER STANDS.
HECKLER
Hey, Bartlett, pick up your skirt when
you run!
ON THE SQUAD
Watching from the field. Diane turns to the crowd. Jack's
heckler must die!
KANSAS
(yelling to heckler)
Run, you bastard, run! She's hormonal!!
Diane's off, SCALING THE BLEACHERS.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTER GAME - NIGHT
FANS ARE GONE. A beat-up Jack, helmet under arm, walks with
his arms around Diane, who's icing her fist. He smiles and
kisses her hand.
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON
Diane's belly. Jack's hand comes into frame, tracing it.
PULL BACK
as Diane steps away. We see THREE LINES: "August",
"September" and "October" already written on the wall. They
smile and kiss.
INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - DAY
CLOSE ON
Jack and the social retards.
JACK
...she's in my hands, right? Moist to
the touch. It's at that moment I think
I control her - she's mine. But it's a
false illusion, like in "Backdraft." No
man controls fire! She's ready, I'm
ready, she's ready, I yell, "One-fifty
four, forty eight."
PULL BACK
to reveal he's holding a football.
JACK (CONT'D)
Hike!
The social retards are orgasmic over his story.
INT. SAFEWAY - BANK BRANCH - DAY
MUZAK UP. Diane, at the service window, smiles as she helps
a CUSTOMER, then drops her pen behind the counter, mouthing
"Ooops, one moment." She bends down.
BEHIND THE COUNTER
Diane voraciously rips the top off a SNICKERS and shoves it
into a jar of HAAGENDAAZ. She takes a huge bite, then pops
up, SMILING - MOUTH FULL.
INT. MALL BOOK STORE - PARENTING SECTION - DAY
Squad is looking over different pregnancy books. Cleo reads
from a TEEN LOOKING MAGAZINE.
CLEO
I can't believe they have the "Top Ten
Alternatives to Sex for You and Your
Boyfriend" and "watching each other
masturbate" isn't even listed!
All stare at her a beat.
LUCY
(off pregnancy book)
Diane, it says here you're going to have
mood swings, uncontrollable gas.
KANSAS
More proof God's a guy...
LUCY
...and sex dreams where you actually
have an orgasm!
KANSAS
Virgin Mary musta snuck that one in.
Hannah hits Kansas. MUSIC TURNS TO SLOWER MINOR CHORDS.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
Same SLOW MOTION scene. Squad walks TOWARD CAMERA in line
across the hall - again looking cool as hell.
ANGLE BEHIND
A larger piece of fabric has been added to the back of
Diane's skirt.
INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Diane (eating Snickers) sits in the bean-bag chair in front
of the BIG SCREEN TV. Jack stands beside it, holding a
video, "ANIMAL BIRTHS." He smiles and puts it in the VCR.
Under OPENING CREDITS a KITTEN IS BEING BORN. Jack is
horrified by it.
INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - LATE NIGHT
Jack, LOOKING TIRED, is doing homework at the counter with
the social retards. (Store is decorated for Christmas.)
CHRIS
Jack, c'mon, you promised.
JACK
(yawning)
Okay, one question.
TED
(to other social retards)
Oh, me-me-me, mine's great.
CHRIS
Proceed, Dungeon Master Quan.
Lisa approaches the counter, VIDEO TAPES in hand.
TED
Okay. Jack, y'know how you and Diane...
slept together?
(looking to tards, pleased with
himself)
Well now that you can't, y'know, (fuck)
"sleep together," but you still sleep
together, don't you ever get, like,
just, super horny? If so, how horny?
I'll be quiet now so I can listen to
your answer.
LISA
(flirting her ass off)
Yeah, Jack - I'd love to hear your
answer.
She sets her videos on the counter, smiling seductively.
Jack starts to run them under the scanner.
JACK
The answer's easy...
(quickly)
Oh, "Lolita" is due tomorrow - Same for
"9 1/2 Weeks." Ditto on "Wild Things."
(back to question)
I'm gonna be a dad! Dads don't get
horny.
Lisa grabs her tapes and exits.
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY
CLOSE ON
Diane's belly. Jack's HAND comes into frame, tracing it.
ICE CREAM drips on it.
Jack licks it off as we PULL BACK to see a VERY TIRED Diane
holding a pint of ice cream, using a SNICKERS as a spoon.
FOUR lines labelled "August," "September," "October" and
"November" on the wall. Jack gives Diane a tired peck on the
cheek as she continues to eat.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT
ON CROWD
As they TURN FLASH CARDS IN UNISON to read: "2-4-6-8 LOGS ARE
ROLLIN' ON THE STATE!"
ON SQUAD
going nuts! They notice Diane isn't there. She's eating a
vendor's box. They run over to her.
ON JACK
running for a touchdown - a la his homecoming run. This time
he's exhausted and the competition is gaining.
Everything grinds to a SLO-MO CRAWL as Jack makes a heroic
leap for the touchdown. With his spare hand, he attempts to
smother a huge yawn, as opposing players come flying at him
from both sides.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
ANGLE ABOVE BED
Continuation of pervious shot as Jack lands on the bed
completing the touchdown. Diane falls across the frame from
the opposite side. They're asleep by the time they hit the
bed - still in cheerleading and football uniforms. Jack
holds a large STATE TROPHY - Diane holds a half-eaten
Snickers.
END MUSIC
LISA (V.O.)
Okay, so they won state - b.f.d. The
best part was Diane was really starting
to look like shit.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SAFEWAY BANK BRANCH - DAY
CLOSE ON
Diane's face - smashed against A SIDE GLASS PANEL as she
SLEEPS. She really does look like shit - puffy eyes, no make
up, dark circles, bad hair and drool coming from her mouth.
LUCY (O.S.)
Diane? Diane!
DIANE
(waking up)
Huh-ha-wha?
(scratching on window)
Ahh! I'm under the ice! I'm uh --
oh...man...
(opening her window)
That was a weird one.
PULL BACK
To REVEAL the squad stands in front of Diane.
CLEO
Another sex dream?
DIANE
Wayne Gretzky.
KANSAS
Hat-trick?
DIANE
(exhausted)
He is the Great One...
INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - LATER
Jack is asleep on his books at the small children's
furniture, set up beside the children's voices. Lisa
approaches.
LISA
(sweetly)
Jack? Oh Jack...
Ted approaches.
TED
Can I help you?
LISA
(loud whisper)
Get your loser ass away from me!
Ted exits. Lisa looks around, then walks over and kicks the
chair out from under Jack's head, sending him crashing to the
floor.
LISA (CONT'D)
Oh my G-d - are you okay?
She immediately kneels beside him, placing his aching head in
her lap - smothering him in her breasts.
JACK
(groggily reaching up)
Diane?
Lisa stands, dropping him from her lap.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
It's pitch black. We hear a KEY IN THE DOOR. It opens, an
arm comes in and the LIGHT GOES ON. An exhausted Diane and
the squad, carrying things for the sleep-over, enter. LUCY
carries a pizza box. THE PLACE IS A PIT. All but Diane
STOP, IN SHOCK.
LUCY
Oh my G-d, you've been robbed!
DIANE
(tired and depressed)
No...I've been pregnant.
CLEO
Di, are you okay? We can skip the girl
party this week.
DIANE
(unconvincing)
Everything's fine. I'm just having a
little trouble keeping my frown upside
down.
Diane forces a smile.
HANNAH
You want us to help you pick up?
DIANE
(snapping)
Don't Martha-fucking-Stewart me! If you
don't like it - you try being a pregnant
teen!
Diane YANKS the Safeway bag from Hannah and storms O.S.
KANSAS
And we have our first pregnancy mood
swing. All that's left is --
Diane FARTS O.C.
KANSAS (CONT'D)
Bingo.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - LATER
LATER
Squad sits in a cleared space in front of the BIG TV,
painting nails, reading magazines, etc. Diane eats.
CLEO
Did you guys hear that in China - or one
a those places that makes the really
cheap silk shoes and kids are super
smart - that as a reward for good
grades, mothers get their kids hookers
to blow 'em?
All stop and look at her.
HANNAH
No.
CLEO
Huh. Musta been a dream.
DIANE
I'm sorry to keep asking this, but are
you guys sure I'm not fat?
Squad looks to each other, nervous, then AD-LIBS "No!"
DIANE (CONT'D)
"No" you're not sure or "No" I'm not
fat?
KANSAS
Uh, "no"... You're not fat.
DIANE
You sure I'm not fat?
LUCY
(can't take it any more)
Look, you're fat, Diane. You're fat,
fat, fat! Because you eat, eat, eat!
(to shocked squad)
What?! She keeps asking because she
wants some honesty.
DIANE
(breaking down)
No I don't... I keep asking because I
feel fat.
LUCY
Oh G-d, I'm sorry... You're not really
fat! I was just saying that because,
uh, I thought that's what you wanted me
to say.
DIANE
You sure?
LUCY
Positive.
DIANE
"Positive" you're sure I'm not fat or
"positive" I'm...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Squad is watching "POINT BREAK" on TV: Bank Robbery about to
start. Diane eats Snickers.
LUCY
Oh my G-d, I read about this! It's
called a "pregnancy insanity." Quick,
she needs a sitz bath --
DIANE
(putting down her Snickers)
Look, I might be moody. I might be
gassy. But I am perfectly sane. Think
about it. In school, they tell us,
"Dreams can come true." Right?
Squad AD-LIBS agreement - not knowing where this is going.
DIANE (CONT'D)
But they don't tell us how! Well,
thanks to Keanu, I figured it out!
Money makes your dreams come true.
Squad AD-LIBS their concern for her mental health.
DIANE (CONT'D)
(old spirit returning)
Listen, Kansas, I know you dream of
springing your mom some day...
KANSAS
Stop, you're gonna make me cry.
DIANE
And if the O.J. trial taught us
anything, it taught us that in America,
you can cut off someone's head and still
be found innocent if you have enough
money. Your mom only shot a guy...
Kansas smiles at the thought.
DIANE (CONT'D)
Now Cleo, I know you dream of an all
leather apartment with Conan - I heard
the school shrink telling a lunch lady.
Cleo blushes and smiles guiltily at the thought.
DIANE (CONT'D)
And Hannah, you could give your share to
your church - or maybe buy one of those
hungry little kids Sally Struthers
advertises.
HANNAH
Or, I could get my own horse...
DIANE
Or that! Look, you guys, I just want to
provide a future for my baby. I know my
bank branch like the back of my puffy
little hand. I could open that safe in
my sleep!
KANSAS
I'm in.
Squad reacts with SHOCK - did she just say that?
KANSAS (CONT'D)
I mean it. I'm in. This is the closest
thing to a goddamn family that I've ever
had. If one of us needs something, we
all do.
LUCY
Stop it! This is crazy!
CLEO
I'm in, too.
LUCY
Cleo!
CLEO
Kansas is right. We're like sisters --
we're closer than sisters. And you
don't turn your back on family.
DIANE
C'mon, Luce, people do it in the movies
all the time.
LUCY
And they get caught!
DIANE
That's right. So all we have to do is
watch a bunch of movies and learn from
their mistakes.
CLEO
And you know real cops aren't half as
smart as Keanu.
LUCY
Forget it. I've got a scholarship to
Harvard hanging over my head. I won't
risk it.
CLEO
(sotto, to Kansas)
Conan went to Harvard.
KANSAS
(sotto)
Shut up.
DIANE
Lucy, do you know for sure you're going
to get that scholarship?
LUCY
No.
DIANE
If you don't - can you still afford to
go to Harvard?
LUCY
... I don't know. Probably not.
DIANE
So then this isn't crazy. It's a sure
bet.
LUCY
Well...
Squad AD-LIBS their encouragement.
LUCY (CONT'D)
I guess we're in this together.
They jump around, thrilled.
LUCY (CONT'D)
But, we have to make a smart plan!
DIANE
Of course - of course! Hands in...
Squad puts their hands in.
DIANE (CONT'D)
We all have to cross-our-hearts-hope-to
die-stick-a-dirty-needle-in-my-eye that
we'll never tell Jack. We all know he
can't lie - that's why he's going to be
such a great senator.
MUSIC UP:
as the squad goes through their "Cheerleaders Kick Ass!"
routine.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLEO'S BEDROOM - DAY
It looks just like Diane's basement. Cleo sits on the couch,
eating from a bag of microwave popcorn. The VIDEO BOX for
"Reservoir Dogs" plays in the tiny picture-in-picture.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LUCY'S BEDROOM - DAY
The room is neatly ordered. Lucy sits at her computer - DVD
case of "Heat" sits beside her monitor. She's taking copious
notes. Her mom enters with milk and cookies. Lucy stands,
concealing her monitor. Her mom sets down the cookies and
kisses Lucy's good-night before she exits. Relieved, Lucy
sits at her computer again.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
It's a sparse room, filled with religious icons. Hannah
nervously places a video into the VCR above the TV, then sits
on the couch. She smiles about to push PLAY on the remote
when her stern, UBER-CHRISTIAN PARENTS ENTER and take a seat
on either side of her. Her look turns to fear as her father
takes the remote and hits PLAY.
END MUSIC.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LINCOLN HIGH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY LOCKERS - CONTINUOUS
CAMERA TRACKS down the hallway, passing groups of kids as
they talk beside their lockers. We pass the GEEKY GUY (from
"Candidate Speeches") and his two friends.
GEEKY GUY
... I feel utterly abandoned in a place
that values physical prowess over mental
acuity. I can't wait for all this to
change once we get in the real world...
CONTINUE TRACKING PAST LISA and the B-squad.
LISA
... I do! I totally marry Prince
William even if he was gay. I mean, in
England all guys are kinda gay anyway.
Even cigarettes are fags over there...
B-squad AD-LIBS AGREEMENT as we CONTINUE to the A-squad
around Diane's locker.
CLEO
...He slices off the guy's ear, and I
mean you see everything - the bloody
pink hole where the --
DIANE
Cleo, I've already thrown up twice today
- could you please get to any relevant
part of the movie?
CLEO
(vamping)
Well...uh...they, y'know, uh... They had
nicknames.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - LUNCHROOM - DAY
Squad sits at their lunch table in this large, open room.
Only Diane eats - from all the trays. Lucy walks around the
table, handing out stapled packets.
LUCY
...Page one is a plot summary of "Heat."
Two has my character summaries. Three
is my overall critique and on four
through ten, you'll find my Nexus search
of all prior analysis of this film...
All stare at her. She stops - starts to pick up the packets.
LUCY (CONT'D)
Uh, in summation, no part of "Heat" is
really applicable to a grocery store
bank branch robbery.
JACK (O.S.)
What the heck is going on here?
All turn to see Jack, followed by football players and the
Video Barn Geeks.
DIANE
Uh, Jack - look, I can explain...
JACK
Diane, there's no excuse for not taking
your pre-natal vitamins. Now, if you
guys were really friends, you'd remind
her to take these.
He smiles, gives Diane her vitamins and kisses her head
before exiting to the "jock table."
TED
Uh, Cleo...would you just say my name?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
The squad, in uniform, sits along the wall. Pregnant COUPLES
fill the rest of the room.
HANNAH
...so, while it's a laugh riot for the
whole family, and Tim Conway is just
about as funny as they come, especially
when he goes...
KANSAS
Wait a minute. You watched the Apple
fucking-Dumpling Gang?!
HANNAH
I'm only allowed "G" movies.
KANSAS
(losing it)
Am I the only one who cares about this?
At least I watched "Dog Day Afternoon!"
HUSBAND
Excuse me, could you please keep your
voice down? We're not introducing anger
into the womb.
KANSAS
(snapping back)
Well how'd you like me to introduce my
foot into your ass?
DIANE
Kansas!
KANSAS
(lowering her voice)
I'm sorry, Diane, but I'm not gonna
watch my dreams fade away 'cause the
Virgin Mary here thinks she's gonna get
ideas from kiddie movies --
HANNAH
Those of us who have parents, know that
they have rules because they care!
All fall silent - she went too far. Kansas stands.
KANSAS
You sure you wanna go there?
HANNAH
(nervously standing)
Uh...maybe?
KANSAS
'Cause I will Jerry Springer you faster
than you can say "Fat-assed lesbian!"
Kansas and Hannah go at it - the GIRL FIGHT is on. Diane,
Cleo and Lucy try to pull them apart, AD-LIBBING "Stop!" and
"Knock it off!" A NURSE enters from the other side of the
room.
NURSE
Diane Weston?
Diane pushes her way through the fight, forcing a smile.
INT. EXAM ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
A disheveled squad enters to find Diane on the exam table,
crying. Her sweater is pulled up, pregnant belly exposed.
An ULTRASOUND MACHINE and MONITOR is on beside her.
CLEO
Di, we're sorry. We...
DIANE
It's off... I can't take the fighting,
the back-stabbing, the open hostility.
We're not acting like cheerleaders,
we're acting like a bunch of sorority
girls!
The squad rushes to a sobbing Diane, embarrassed by their
behavior and what it's done to Diane.
DIANE (CONT'D)
(through tears)
It's all my fault. I'm sorry I ever
started this...
KANSAS
Di, it's not your fault. We all wanted
to do this - for you... for ourselves.
Squad AD-LIBS agreement. Cleo picks up the ULTRA-SOUND HAND
PIECE beside Diane and starts fiddling with it.
HANNAH
Look, maybe I can watch a PG movie...
I'll just say I'm counting dirty words
for Sunday School.
DIANE
That's okay, Hannah. It was silly to
think we could learn to rob a bank from
watching movies. Sex - you can learn
from movies. But robberies? There's no
way.
Cleo sets the HAND-PIECE on Diane's belly. The squad stares
in wide-eyed wonder at the monitor - for the first time they
see Diane's baby. Diane doesn't notice.
DIANE (CONT'D)
Besides, TV-LAND had a "Little House On
The Prairie" marathon and the Ingalls
made baby Carrie's bed in a dresser
drawer. I guess I can just do that...
Diane sees the squad staring and turns to the monitor.
DIANE (CONT'D)
Oh my G-d...
She SEES HER BABY MOVING and GENTLY TOUCHES her belly with
both hands. It's all very real. Suddenly, the BABY SHIRTS
FORWARD and we see a SECOND BABY'S HEAD.
CLEO
Ahh! Baby's got two heads!!!
LUCY
It's twins!!
DIANE
Oh, thank G-d! I'm not just super fat!
KANSAS
(building)
Oh - okay, we ain't done with this...
Those babies are gonna get a good start
in life - with a real crib - one that
costs a shit-load! We're gonna learn
how to rob a bank from the only people
who really know how to do it -
criminals! I'm gonna visit my mom!
Squad can't believe what she just said.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY
CLOSE ON
Mrs. Hill, a tough looking woman who smokes like a chimney.
MRS. HILL
You don't look nothing like your
pictures. What happened to the curly
red hair?
ANGLE ON
Kansas.
KANSAS
Grandma and Grandpa sent you pictures of
a neighbor girl. They didn't want you
to break out and come kidnap me.
MRS. HILL
Thank G-d. I was starting to think I'd
killed the wrong man.
There's an awkward silence as the reality of this hits
Kansas. Her mom lights up a cigarette.
KANSAS
You shouldn't smoke so many of those.
MRS. HILL
I know, but it keeps down the size of my
can.
KANSAS
They could kill you.
MRS. HILL
So could half the women in here. And
I'd rather go out with a nice can... So
watcha here for? To say how much you
hate me or how much your grandparents
hate me...
KANSAS
I don't hate you. I need your help.
MRS. HILL
My what?
KANSAS
Your help.
MRS. HILL
Now how the hell can I help you?
KANSAS
(sitting close)
Okay, you can't tell anybody.
MRS. HILL
Gee, I'll sit out this afternoon's
coffee talk. Whaddya want?
KANSAS
My best friend got pregnant.
MRS. HILL
Before you? Whoo-hoo!
They high-five through the glass.
KANSAS
I know - that's what I said too.
Anyway, we want to help her get some
money for the baby by robbing a bank.
MRS. HILL
Well, shit-fire, Kansas, that's the
sweetest goddamn thing ever...
KANSAS
I know, but we can't quite figure out
how to, y'know, do it.
MRS. HILL
(near tears)
So you need my help? Oh my G-d, this is
like asking me for help with your
homework.
(calling behind her)
Hey, Mink, c'mere!
MINK, a tough-looking woman with short spiky hair joins her.
MRS. HILL (CONT'D)
Kansas, I want you to meet someone
special.
KANSAS
Oh, Jesus Christ, Mom! Like my life
ain't a great big pile-of-shit 'cause
you're in here? Now I have to add,
"P.S. My mom's a dyke" too?
MRS. HILL
What?! Hush up, you mouthy little shit!
KANSAS
Hey, don't "mouthy shit" me - I'm outta
here.
MRS. HILL
Wait, Petunia. Mommy's a little amped
up - didn't get her yard time this
morning. Mink ain't my bitch. She's a
specialist... in banks.
INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - WAITING ROOM - DAY
The rest of the squad, in uniform, waits in folding chairs.
A LARGE INMATE stares at them, while slowly mopping the
floor. All but Diane appear nervous. The inmate works her
mop BETWEEN DIANE'S LEGS and stops.
INMATE #1
Thems some sweet skirts y'got there.
DIANE
Well, thank you. They're actually
uniforms - we're cheerleaders.
INMATE #1
Mmm-hmm... y'sure are.
As she moves in closer, Kansas is let through a metal door.
All jump up. Diane steps politely over the mop handle that's
pressed between her legs.
DIANE
Excuse us.
The squad joins Kansas as they all hustle out the hallway.
KANSAS
Same time tomorrow - we have a visit
with our favorite "aunts."
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY
PAN DOWN the visitors' row. TOUGH MEN sit across from even
TOUGHER FEMALE INMATES. CONTINUE DOWN to the SQUAD, sweet
and small in comparison - each sitting across from a
DIFFERENT INMATE. Mrs. Hill walks behind the inmates,
supervising.
ON KANSAS AND MINK
MINK
Robbin' a bank is like pullin' a trick.
You gotta stay in control, know how far
you'll go for the dough and always put
the rubber on yourself... Well, y'know
what I mean. And you gotta do it the
day after Christmas.
KANSAS
Why?
MINK
Banks never have a holiday pick up, so
vaults are full. Besides, everyone's at
home eatin' left-overs and beatin' their
kids.
ON DIANE AND HER INMATE
INMATE #1
...You're only seventeen? Shit, I was
havin' my third by th'time I's your age.
ON CLEO AND HER INMATE #4
CLEO
Really? You were cell mates with her?
Oh my G-d, she was my hero! Did she
tell you what Letterman's house was
like?
ON LUCY AND HER INMATE
INMATE #2
Y'gotta buy gats from "The Terminator."
And tell him "Itchy" sent'ya.
LUCY
And "gats" are...
INMATE #2
Guns, cuties.
LUCY
And you're called "Itchy" because...
ON HANNAH AND HER INMATE
INMATE #3
You listen to Carol, pussycat, a foot on
both sides-a-your bathtub nozzle - make
your ride with the sisters seem like
nothin' more-n-a piss shiver.
Hannah frantically writes down.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
Jack is on his side of the bed, rubbing cream on Diane's
exposed belly as he sings to it. Diane is writing on her
"From the Beautiful Mind..." NOT PAD, which rests above her
big belly.
JACK
(talking to Diane's belly)
...so although their dad said, "Don't
get out of the car until I get back with
help," they knew the sheriff's voice as
he yelled. "Run to my voice - and don't
look back." The twins did as he said,
but at the last second they turned
around and saw the escaped mental
patient, bouncing their father's head on
the top of the car!
(feels something)
Ah! They jumped, Diane! They jumped!
DIANE
That was gas, Sweetie.
JACK
Oh... What are you working on?
DIANE
Jus some girlie things for the squad.
MUSIC UP:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
"TO DO LIST" MONTAGE
CLOSE ON
Notepad. "From The Beautiful Mind of Diane" PAN DOWN to
first item listed:
1) Buy ski masks and maternity underpants.
As it's crossed off, we:
DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:
INT. SEARS - MATERNITY DEPARTMENT - DAY
Diane watches as the squad MODELS BIG WHITE MATERNITY
UNDERPANTS over their Addidas sweats, with pillows and
stuffed animals in the belly portion. It's like some bizarre
fashion show. A STERN OLD SALESWOMAN approaches. Diane
points to Cleo's style, then hands the surprised saleswoman
FIVE SKI MASKS.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
THE LIST as
2) Buy gats from "The Terminator" is crossed off.
EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY
Squad stands FROZEN looking up at this cinder block shack. A
bad, HAND-PAINTED SIGN on top has ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
STANDING ON A COCKROACH.
END MUSIC
KANSAS
Whoever gets out alive -- have the
authorities to check in the crawl space.
Diane walks to the counter and rings the bell.
DIANE
Kansas, you should never judge a book by
its cover.
HANK WOOD ENTERS (greasy hair, dirty coveralls, big rubber
gloves). He's a chain-smoker and reeks of insecticide. The
squad reacts.
HANK
Yeah?
DIANE
(sotto)
I guess there's an exception to every
rule.
KANSAS
You're the "Terminator?"
HANK
You come in here to bust my balls? I
kill bugs for a livin'. G-d already
beat ya to it.
He turns to exit.
DIANE
NO! Wait...um...
(nervous, but smiling)
We're the A-squad from Lincoln High?
So, uh...
KANSAS
We were told you could "fix us up."
HANK
(eyeing suspiciously)
Really...
LUCY
Yeah. "Itchy" sent us.
HANK
She did, did she? How is the old girl?
LUCY
Definitely old.
HANK
(warming)
That's Itchy, alright. How many y'need?
DIANE
Well, we'll each probably want one - so
let's make it five. Five should do it.
HANK
Okay. How much ammo you reckon you'll
need?
DIANE
Ammo?
HANK
Bullets.
DIANE
Bullets? No bullets! Oh my gosh, these
are just to scare people.
Kinda like round-off, back handspring,
whip back, double full. You never
really use it - you just want the
opposing squad to know you've got it.
HANK
Right.
(beat)
That'll be fifteen hundred - cash.
Squad REACTS!
CLEO
What?!
KANSAS
You piece-a-shit bug zapper!
DIANE
Hey, hey, hey. C'mon you guys.
(to Hank)
Obviously that's a little more than our
budget will allow. Basically, we're
looking for something around two-hundred
dollars.
HANK
Oh, why didn't you say. For two-hundred
I got a nice rubber band and a real
sharp nail in back... I'll gift wrap it
for you. The deal is fifteen hundred.
Cash. Take it or leave it.
HANNAH
What kind of deal would you make if I
said we were going to the police and
tell them you're selling illegal guns...
to minors! To girl minors!
HANK
(big toothless grin)
I'd just hafta kiiiiiill you.
DIANE
Well, okay then. It was a pleasure
meeting you. Take care, let's go you
guys.
Squad quickly exits.
HANK
Hold on!
They stop, still facing the door.
LUCY
Oh please, we've all got bright futures
ahead of us - we're not going to tell
anyone. Promise!
HANK
Maybe we can make a deal.
KANSAS
Look, we're not gonna trade sex for
guns. Unless Cleo...
Cleo hits her.
HANK
My daughter's always dreamed of bein' a
cheerleader. Put her on your squad and
I'll give you the guns.
DIANE
You're kidding.
HANK
Fern! C'mere!
(to squad)
She's siphoning tanks - takes a sec to
cap off the cyanide hose.
FERN, all of 85 pounds wet, ENTERS wearing BIG GOGGLES, BIG
RUBBER GLOVES, BOOTS and a BREATHER which she removes and
gasps for air.
DIANE
We'll be right back.
EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY
The squad runs out and gets into Hannah's STATION WAGON.
KANSAS (O.S.)
Holy shit! That's a poster child for
"Planned Parenthood."
INT. LAMAZE CLASSROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON
Slide of VAGINA.
INSTRUCTOR (O.S.)
The vagina, forming the lower portion of
the birth canal, will normally expand
its folded walls to allow for the birth
process...
Suddenly Diane and the squad walk across the screen.
DIANE
Sorry, we had our first basketball game -
went into overtime... Excuse us. Sorry.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
Pregnant WOMEN on the floor, resting on pillows - husbands
kneeling beside them. CONTINUE TO PULL BACK with the squad
as they make their way to the back row.
INSTRUCTOR
(annoyed)
May I continue, ladies?
KANSAS
Sure. Unless it's hard for you to talk
with that stick up your ass.
A few couples LAUGH. Pissed, the instructor continues in the
B.G. Room starts LAMAZE BREATHING. Diane joins in.
CLEO
Is Jack upset that he can't be here?
DIANE
(La Maze breathing)
Hee-hee-haaaa-weee worked it out. Heee
hee-haaa....
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. VIDEO BARN - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON
Jack, kneeling on the floor. Behind him a MONITOR plays a La
Maze instruction video.
JACK
(La Maze breathing)
Hee-hee-heee-haaaaa, hee-hee-hee-haaaa,
doin' good, Sweetie...
(looking down)
Hey-hey, let's remember our focal point!
Jack raises a STUFFED ANIMAL by his face. PULL BACK TO
REVEAL one of the social retards, CHRIS, playing the role of
Diane - head on a pillow beside Jack, La Maze breathing.
CHRIS
(labor pain)
AHHHHH!
CUSTOMERS, including Lisa, stop and stare.
JACK
C'mon, don't stop now. We're gonna make
it, baby.
LISA
What a sad waste of a man.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LA MAZE CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
Squad reaches an open space at the back of the room. Diane
gets down on her pillow - squad surrounds her. ROOM STARTS
LA MAZE BREATHING EXERCISES. Lucy takes out a piece of paper
which she sets on Diane's belly for all to see.
LUCY
(whispering, pointing)
Okay, even with all our savings, it's
still only six hundred fifty-four.
DIANE
(mid-breathing exercise)
Hee-hee-hee, haaaaa-that's it? Hee-hee
hee...
KANSAS
Don't make me Jerry Lewis you guys for
the rest.
HANNAH
Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid
money. Phillipe's gonna have to gather
rice without pants this month.
LUCY
Look, you guys, three strikes we're out.
Let's face it. It's time to abort!
A COUPLE looks over - aghast. Kansas glares back.
KANSAS
Hey. Eyes on your own belly!
DIANE
Hee-hee-h-wait a minute. Hold on, now.
What do we do before a big game?
CLEO
Use the bathroom, because the Port-a
Potties on the field are gross.
DIANE
My fault - What do we do that enables us
to be as great as we are?
CLEO
I personally think of how Conan started
as a writer, then became a...
LUCY
(jumping in)
-- We practice! Sorry, Cleo.
DIANE
That's right. Practice makes perfect.
I'm practicing to have a baby right now.
If we do a practice job, we'll not only
get the experience, but also the extra
money we need for guns!
Squad quietly AD-LIBS their agreement.
DIANE (CONT'D)
I've got the perfect job - and I've
gotta pee - help me up!
MUSIC UP:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
A SMILING OLDER WOMAN with a "Volunteer" button sits at a
table with a "LUNCH TICKETS: $1.50" SIGN on it. LISA JANUSCH
approaches and hands her some money. The Older Woman starts
to SLOWLY COUNT OFF TICKETS from a roll.
Impatient, Lisa grabs the roll, rips off some tickets, tosses
the roll on the table and STORMS OFF. The Older Woman
UNLOCKS THE METAL BOX (key around her neck), PUTS THE MONEY
IN, then SHUTS IT.
Diane ENTERS FRAME and gives her money. The older woman
counts off tickets, smiles and gives them to Diane who bends
down to tie her shoe.
The Older Woman UNLOCKS the metal box to put the money in as
KANSAS ENTERS, FALLS TO THE GROUND and fakes CHOKING. Cleo
runs up to Kansas - begging for help.
The Older Woman hurries around the table to help as Hannah
ENTERS FRAME, takes the open metal box and dumps the contents
into Lucy's Winnie the Pooh BACKPACK as she walks quickly
THROUGH FRAME. Hannah hands the box to Diane who shuts it
and puts it back on the table.
BOTH EXIT in opposite directions as Kansas STOPS CHOKING,
gets up and exits, followed by Cleo, who first helps the
Older Woman to her feet and then exits.
CUT TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - SCIENCE LAB - DAY
The squad sits around the opened Winnie the Pooh backpack. A
look of shock on their faces. After a long beat...
END MUSIC
LUCY
What the hell kind of food are they
serving us that they can turn a profit
on two hundred bucks!?
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY
Front door OPENS. Squad EXITS with a LARGE BLACK TRUNK and
FERN.
INT. HANNAH'S STATION WAGON - DAY
Squad looks miserable - Fern SMILES from ear to ear. The
squad slowly STARTS TO SNIFF, then turn toward Fern.
DIANE
Uh, Fern?
FERN
(monotone)
Yeah?
DIANE
No more filling tanks before practice,
okay?
FERN
'Kay.
EXT. HANNAH'S STATION WAGON
We watch the wagon DRIVE through Lincoln.
CLEO (O.S.)
So, y'know, what are you, anorexic or
bulimic?
FERN (O.S.)
Just skinny.
CLEO (O.S.)
Don't make me hate you.
EXT. KANSAS' HOUSE - OLD RAMBLER STYLE - DAY
The station wagon pulls into the cracked driveway. The squad
jumps out and runs around to the back of the car, pulling out
the large black trunk.
KANSAS (V.O.)
You guys wanna hurry up? My
grandparents get back from dinner at
four-thirty.
INT. KANSAS' BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Squad hurries down the open, unfinished stairs, lugging the
trunk behind. It looks like a STUDIO APARTMENT - a unique
combination of her grandparents' old '60's furniture and high
school memorabilia.
CLEO
I can't believe your grandparents never
come down here.
KANSAS
You have three heart attacks and a half
dozen strokes and tell me how much you
wanna run up and down the stairs. Shit -
I forgot to pick up the cigarettes.
Squad forms a circle around the trunk.
DIANE
Ready?
She flips OPEN the latches.
DIANE (CONT'D)
(with squad)
Okay!
All help LIFT THE LID. Stunned SILENCE.
KANSAS
What the hell?
WE SEE the trunk is filled with OLD GUN PIECES. Stocks,
barrels, flint locks, rusty triggers, etc. Nothing seems to
go together. ALL TALK AT ONCE.
DIANE
Oh no...
KANSAS
He Ikea'd us.
LUCY
Okay. How many signs do we need? We're
not supposed to do this...
HANNAH
Maybe Lucy's right. Maybe this is a
sign.
KANSAS
Screw Lucy!
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
Kansas?
FOOTSTEPS SOUND at the top of the stairwell. Squad quickly
shuts the trunk and sits on it.
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Is that you down there?
KANSAS
Shit!
(calling up)
Yeah, Grandma. Me and the squad.
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
Are you girls talking about boys?
Practicing kissing your hands?
KANSAS
Oh yeah, you caught us...
TWO OLD LEGS with SUP-HOSE and ORTHOPEDIC SHOES STEP DOWN on
the top step. Squad panics. Tries to quietly hide the
trunk.
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
Oh well, then I'll put some cookies at
the top of the stairs for you gals.
KANSAS
Thanks! That'd be great.
Old legs START BACK UPSTAIRS. Girls relax. Legs STOP, TURN
and head BACK DOWN. Squad springs into action again.
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
You got that big retarded girl down
there?
KANSAS
Uh...Yeah, Grandma.
(to Hannah)
She doesn't mean that. Kinda lost the
old filter with her last stroke.
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
Then I'll throw a few more treats on the
plate. Where's my smokes?
KANSAS
I'll get them before "Touched by an
Angel," don't worry.
GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
You damn well better...
LEGS DISAPPEAR. Squad relaxes.
CLEO
(loud whisper)
This is great. What do we do? Threaten
people with a trunk full of parts?
FERN
I'm sorry, you guys. But when you're
dealin' with South American Rebels, you
kinda gotta take what you can get.
Squad AD-LIBS their frustration.
DIANE
Excuse me, but do you guys know what I
don't see here?
Squad AD-LIBS "No. Uh-uh. What?" etc...
DIANE (CONT'D)
I don't see a problem. I see a great
big craft project sitting right in front
of us. So, Kansas, get me some glue,
tape and a nail file...
The squad looks at each other as Diane rolls up her sleeves
and reaches into the trunk.
DIANE (CONT'D)
Oh, and some Lysol if you have...
MUSIC UP
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
THE LIST
3) "Rehearse Robbery" is CROSSED OFF
DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Squad, set up for a girl party, is making a large HALLWAY
POSTER ("Go Mighty Logs!") in the middle of sleeping bags.
They're laughing and having fun as Jack, in Video Barn
uniform, ENTERS from the bedroom, kisses Diane on the head,
waves good-bye to the squad and LEAVES. All freeze for a
beat, then quickly turn over the poster, revealing a detailed
layout of the SAFEWAY/BANK BRANCH.
Cleo opens her OVERNIGHT BAG and pulls out FIVE MODIFIED
DOLLS - she CUT OUT their SCHOOL PICTURES and taped them over
the dolls' faces. ALL PLACE THEIR DOLL IN STARTING
POSITIONS.
Cleo then pulls out a CONAN DOLL (Conan's face over a
shirtless G.I. Joe) who sweeps "her" off her feet and takes
her in frozen foods.
Kansas grabs the Conan Doll, runs into the kitchen and shoves
him head first down the garbage disposal.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
THE LIST
4) "Teach Farm Cheers" is CROSSED OFF.
DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
ON FAR LEFT
Squad member does a short cheer sequence.
ON FAR RIGHT
Fern does her version. Unfortunately she lacks rhythm,
coordination and any amount of sex appeal.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
THE LIST
Diane RE-WRITES "Teach Fern Cheers" then CROSSES OFF:
5) "Buy baby shower invitations and cigarettes for felons."
DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:
INT. LINCOLN DRUG STORE - DAY
Diane and squad stand at the check-out. Diane places SHOWER
INVITATIONS on the counter. The Older Saleswoman smiles
warmly and touches Diane's belly. Diane smiles, then points
to the cartons of cigarettes behind the counter. The woman
frowns. Diane smiles, points again and holds up ten fingers.
DISSOLVE TO:
CLOSE ON
Log Mascot Head
BRUCE
(muffled through head)
Please join our "A" and "B" squad
cheerleaders in a salute to winter
sports!
PULL BACK to REVEAL WE'RE:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
It's DECORATED for CHRISTMAS. Fightin' Log Mascot now wears
a Santa Hat and red scarf.
A JAZZ BAND on stage beside him starts up. With a voice like
JIM NEIGHBORS, Bruce TIPS the Mascot Head BACK and launches
into the following to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed
Reindeer."
BRUCE
(singing slow intro)
"I....see...girls swimming..."
A HUMILIATED B-squad MEMBER - in swimsuit - ENTERS a SIDE
DOOR and pretends to SWIM to CENTER COURT.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
"Boys swimming..."
Another B-squad MEMBER - dressed as a guy in a swimsuit -
"swims" to CENTER COURT.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
"Ooooh, they look chilllyyyyy..."
Squad members pantomime this to the JEERS FROM THE CROWD.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
"Volleyball for her..."
B-squad MEMBER - in volleyball uniform - ENTERS and spikes a
ball. It gets away from her and she has to CHASE IT. Crowd
CHEERS AGAIN.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
EXT. EXTERMINATION VAN - CONTINUOUS
SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN. One by one, the squad, dressed as
PREGNANT BETTYS - MASKS ON, MATCHING JACKETS and each holding
a BOX FOR LONG STEM ROSES - jump out.
NEW ANGLE
as the MOTION SLOWS and, like a shot out of "Tombstone," the
LINE OF PREGNANT BETTYS disappear around the corner - coats
blowing in the wind.
ANGLE ON
BACK DOOR ENTRANCE. Cleo grabs the door handle - and it
COMES OFF.
KANSAS
(panting)
Who are you - the goddamn Bionic Woman?!
CLEO
I just pulled and it - it came off.
KANSAS
This is great - GREAT! Now we have to
enter the front door!
CLEO
(taking off her mask to breath)
Look, it's really not my fault.
Kansas jumps at her, pulling her mask back down.
KANSAS
Hey! Rule number one - never take off
the mask! Y'hear me! No matter what
happens, NEVER TAKE OFF THE MASK!
CLEO
Sorry, Kansas...
KANSAS
(out of her mind)
NO-GAH-BUH- NO! Rule number two - NO
NAMES! NO GODDAMN NAMES, you retard!
CLEO
Oh for Chrissakes...
(with emphasis)
"White trash Betty."
(back to normal)
I didn't realize the rules went into
effect before we entered Safeway.
KANSAS
(pushing her for emphasis)
Well, use your head, "Stalker Betty."
DIANE
Bettys, stop it! "The best squad is one
that hopes for the best and prepares for
the worst." National High School
Cheerleading Association letterhead.
Now, let's give a hands in...
All form a circle, putting their right hands in.
DIANE (CONT'D)
We're ready. We're prepared. And this
is going to be the best bank robbery
ever, because...
DIANE & SQUAD
(loud whisper)
Cheer-leaders kick...
All swing arms overhead and SMACK THE "ASS" of the girl to
their right.
MUSIC UP
They start back around the corner. Suddenly someone dressed
as a PREGNANT NIXON turns the CORNER - all SCREAM!
MUSIC UNDER
NIXON
(it's LUCY)
SHH! It's me.
DIANE
Lucy?
KANSAS
What the hell do you want?
LUCY
I want to help. I'm part of this
squad...
HANNAH
(nerves build to rage)
Oh no! You committed the ultimate sin -
you left our squad to be with a guy.
And - and that guy is the Devil himself -
'cause only the Devil would turn you
against your sisters!
All stare at her... then start to LAUGH.
DIANE
(arm around Hannah)
Hannah, you really have to stop taking
that church stuff so literally.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. SAFEWAY ENTRANCE - DAY
ANGLE ON LINE
Walking in SLOW MOTION, this time with the PREGNANT NIXON on
the end.
ANGLE BEHIND SQUAD
as they STOP at the MAIN ENTRANCE.
IN UNISON
the squad TUCKS their BOXES tight under their right arms,
then takes a step FORWARD - AUTOMATIC DOORS OPEN and they
ENTER.
INT. SAFEWAY - CONTINUOUS
MUZAK PLAYS. Squad steps off the black electronic met, then
stops. CUSTOMERS FALL SILENT. It's a sight to behold. Only
MUZAK CONTINUES.
Kansas holds up a hand and counts off ONE, TWO, THREE
FINGERS. All pull the RED RIBBON off their rose box with one
hand - smoothly grabbing the guns they've glued and taped
together with the other - as they move into their next
position (Kansas and Hannah take point as Diane, Cleo, Lucy
and Fern move into the bank branch). Cleo fumbles with her
box, dropping her gun. The barrel falls off, CLANKING as it
rolls away from her. Nixon helps her stick it back together.
KANSAS
(deep, strong guy voice)
Okay, down on the ground! Now!
SOME PATRONS DROP to the ground. Others STAND FROZEN.
They're confused. Just the bank or everyone?
KANSAS (CONT'D)
I said DOWN!
A Safeway CASHIER ("witness" from opening) in front of them,
stands trembling.
SAFEWAY CASHIER
Uh, y-y-y-you robbin' the Safeway, or
the bank?
KANSAS
BANK!
SAFEWAY CASHIER
S-s-so y'want everyone down? O-or just
the people at the b-b-bank branch?
They never thought about that...
KANSAS
All of you!
HANNAH
(same time)
Bank branch!
People start to get down who were up, others get up who were
down. Kansas and Hannah look at each other a beat, then:
KANSAS
Bank branch!
HANNAH
(same time)
All of you!
People start to MURMUR and, once again, reverse their
positions. Kansas and Hannah move together for a brief
conference.
SECURITY CAMERA POV
Lucy and Cleo stand under it, shoulder to shoulder, inner
hands joined, looking up. Fern RUNS IN FRAME and JUMPS onto
her HANDS. They POP her up to their SHOULDERS making a
STANDING PYRAMID. Fern pulls out SPRAY PAINT and sprays over
the SECURITY CAMERA LENS.
ON KANSAS AND HANNAH
conference ends. They return to point positions.
KANSAS
Bank branch only! Everyone else - go on
about your business!
EVERYONE near the bank starts to get down. Unable to "go
about their business" with a robbery in progress, Safeway
CUSTOMERS just stare. After an uncomfortable beat.
KANSAS (CONT'D)
Shit - EVERYBODY DOWN!
MUSIC UP: LOUD ROCKIN' VERSION OF MUZAK
Everyone goes ass-up. Kansas and Hannah nod with their
success, then shoulder their guns.
ON LISA
as she slowly gets on the floor - watching Lucy, Cleo and
Fern spray painting the security camera.
LISA'S POV
as Lucy, Cleo and Fern do a HALF-SWAN DISMOUNT from the
Pyramid.
ON LISA
as this stunt registers across her face - it's an illegal
dismount! She starts to count Bettys...
ON DIANE
in the bank branch, moving like a shark - never stopping -
knowing exactly where everything is.
ON LUCY, CLEO AND FERN
as they RUN ACROSS to the other SECURITY CAMERA. They pass
Lisa, staring up at them. Cleo steps on her ass as she
crosses over.
LISA'S POV
as she hits the ground - noticing a POMPON STRING stuck in
Fern's boot. Lisa REACHES OUT - GOT IT!
ON LISA
as she pulls it in, under her body - EVIDENCE!
ON DIANE
Safe is OPEN. Cleo and Fern join her, taking the MONEY BAGS.
They open them as Diane turns around with her first arm-load
of cash. (Lucy moved to her next position at the front
door.)
FACTORY WORKER (O.S.)
This here's bullshit! That's what this
is!
ALL TURN and FREEZE. MUSIC UNDER.
FERN
Shit.
DIANE
(whispered)
I'm fine here - go help!
ANGLE ON FACTORY WORKER ("Witness" from opening)
wearing a "Lincoln, Local 186" cap. He walks up the cereal
aisle.
FACTORY WORKER
Not gonna let some piece-a-shit Betty
Doll tell me what to do...
ON KANSAS AND HANNAH
they turn to each other - shit!
ON FACTORY WORKER
as he continues toward them - REACHING INTO HIS BOOT AND
PULLING OUT A KNIFE.
FACTORY WORKER (CONT'D)
No-sireee-bob...
ON KANSAS AND HANNAH
Oh shit-oh-shit! Cleo and Fern join them.
KANSAS
Freeze or meet Jesus, Ass-hole!
Kansas shoulders her gun. The barrel starts to droop, the
glue isn't holding. She quickly reaches out to straighten
it.
ON FACTORY WORKER
he stops, dead in his track.
FACTORY WORKER
Don't we never take the Lord's son's
name in vain around this part of the U-S
A!
He drops his 6-pack and starts to RUN AT THEM!
FACTORY WORKER (CONT'D)
Ahhhhhhhh!
ON THE GIRLS
they're freaking out.
ON CUSTOMERS
bracing for the worst.
ON FACTORY WORKER
yelling and running. SUDDENLY, the SOUND OF TEN ROUNDS in
TWO SECONDS breaks the tension. MOTION SLOWS as his hat
EXPLODES OFF HIS HEAD. His face registers absolute surprise
as he falls back on his ass.
ON THE GIRLS
Hannah stands frozen, gun still at her shoulder, breathing
hard. All turn - SHE JUST SHOT A GUY!
ON FACTORY WORKER
spread eagle in the middle of the demolished aisle. Cereal
trickles down from punctured boxes on the shelves.
Suddenly, he starts to move and slowly sits up. Dazed and
confused, only a piece of his union cap remains on his
head...
ON THE GIRLS
they breathe a sigh of relief!
Fern approaches Hannah.
FERN
(sotto)
Uh, I forgot to tell you sometimes when
the rebels take the gun off a corpse,
some live rounds get left in the drum.
HANNAH
(complete shock)
Good to know, Fern. Good to know.
MUSIC UP.
ON DIANE
SHOVING CASH in the last money bag as Cleo and Fern return,
GRAB THE OTHER FULL BAGS and GO! Diane's about to close her
bag when SNIFF...SNIFF... SNIFF - she turns toward the fish
department, puts the BAG OVER HER MOUTH and goes down to
puke. BEAT. She stands, pulling her mask back down, ties
the bag and follows the others.
ANGLE ON SQUAD
as they run out together. Fern watching the rear. Diane
sees Snickers near the door. She's torn - THIS IS ONE TOUGH
CRAVING!
Kansas motions for her to "C'mon, run!" but Diane can't. She
goes back for a Snickers. She suddenly stops, digs in her
pocket and tosses a bill to the Cashier.
FADE OUT MUSIC.
DIP TO BLACK.
OPTIONAL ROBBERY PAGES:
ON FACTORY WORKER
yelling and running. SUDDENLY, the SOUND OF TEN ROUNDS in
TWO SECONDS breaks the tension. MOTION SLOWS as his hat
EXPLODES OFF HIS HEAD. His face registers absolute surprise
as he falls back on his ass.
ON THE GIRLS
Hannah stands frozen, gun still at her shoulder, breathing
hard. All turn - SHE JUST SHOT A GUY!
ON FACTORY WORKER
spread eagle in the middle of the demolished aisle. Cereal
trickles down from punctured boxes on the shelves.
Suddenly, he starts to move and slowly sits up. Dazed and
confused, only a piece of his union cap remains on his
head...
ON THE GIRLS
they breathe a sigh of relief!
HANNAH
(complete shock)
I feel like freakin' David and Goliath.
MUSIC UP.
ON DIANE
SHOVING CASH in the last money bag as Cleo and Fern return,
GRAB THE OTHER FULL BAGS and GO! Diane's about to close her
bag when SNIFF...SNIFF... SNIFF - she turns toward the fish
department, puts the BAG OVER HER MOUTH and goes down to
puke. BEAT. She stands, pulling her mask back down, ties
the bag and follows the others.
ANGLE ON SQUAD
as they run out together. Fern watching the rear. Diane
sees Snickers near the door.
She's torn - THIS IS ONE TOUGH CRAVING! Kansas motions for
her to "C'mon, run!" but Diane can't. She goes back for a
Snickers. She suddenly stops, digs in her pocket and tosses
a bill to the Cashier.
FADE OUT MUSIC.
DIP TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
ON TV SCREEN - NEWS CAMERA POV
EXT. SAFEWAY - DAY
An animated Lisa talks to a MALE REPORTER. In the B.G. the
place buzzes with POLICE, PARAMEDICS and CRIME SCENE TECHS.
"LIVE" flashes across the bottom of the screen.
LISA
(ranting)
...I'm walking evidence! One of them
stopped my ass!
(turning ass to camera)
Can you get a shot of it!?
(calling to tech)
Hey, can someone dust my ass for prints
over here?!
The male reporter waves TWO PARAMEDICS OVER - signaling
"crazy" and pointing to Lisa.
LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I immediately started helping local
police with their investigation.
LISA (CONT'D)
Oh, wait - I almost forgot! I-I found
this!!!
She pulls out the pompon string (from Fern's boot) and hands
it up proudly as two PARAMEDICS take her arms and try to lead
her away. Lisa struggles to show her pompon string to
camera.
IN EXTREME F.G. - a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL FLOATS PAST
PULL BACK to reveal we're watching a TV. More money floats
past IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN.
CONTINUE TO PULL BACK to REVEAL WE'RE:
INT. KANSAS' BASEMENT - HOUR AFTER ROBBERY
Diane, Cleo, Hannah and Lucy are laughing, throwing and
rolling around in the money as the TV continues to play
"LIVE" from the scene. They're all in their undies (find out
why in a second) - money stuffed everywhere. Diane goes back
to hanging freshly washed bills (from the barf bag) to dry.
CLEO
Can you guys believe this? We're like
celebrities!
LUCY
Better enjoy it now. 'Cause tomorrow
some little kid falls down a well and
we're nothing but a distant memory.
Kansas enters from a back room.
KANSAS
Disguises incinerated!
Squad CHEERS and throws money at her.
KANSAS (CONT'D)
Bad news, Di, there's one thing we just
couldn't fit in the furnace...
ANGLE ON FERN
pushing a DOUBLE CRIB. It's filled with baby items, stuffed
animals, etc.
DIANE
Oh my G-d! A real crib! You guys -
thank you! Can you believe we did it!?
(reality hits)
I mean, we did it. We REALLY DID IT!
Squad CHEERS and starts to throw money around again.
LISA (V.O.)
I guess no one could've predicted the
shit-storm that was about to hit. The
only thing people cared about, thought
about or talked about was the robbery.
Everyone had a theory.
EXT. SAFEWAY - SAME DAY
NEWS CAMERA POV
Safeway Cashier talks into an "Action News '98" mic.
SAFEWAY CASHIER
...well, judging by the way the robbers
practically flew up to spray paint
security cameras, I think it was an
Asian gang. As a people, they tend to
be quite tiny and very acrobatic...
LISA (V.O.)
That's all it took, then the next thing
you know...
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. "DIM-SUM CHARLIE'S" CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
S.W.A.T. MEMBERS surround this Americanized Chinese
restaurant - machine guns at the ready. SUDDENLY, a small
frightened Asian man walks out, hands in the air.
LISA (V.O.)
...Dim-Sum Charlie's being hauled in for
questioning...
INT. SAFEWAY - BANK BRANCH - NEXT DAY
NEWS CAMERA POV
BANK BRANCH WORKER talks into a "Channel 5" mic.
BANK BRANCH WORKER
I think it was five pregnant women, mmm
hmmm. My wife and I have two babies of
our own and there's no accounting for
the things they'll do when they're in
that "condition." One night my wife
came home from work and she just kicked
me in the balls. To this day, I don't
know what came over her - just kicked me
in the balls.
INT. LA MAZE CLASSROOM - NIGHT
A POLICE OFFICER stands beside a POLICE SKETCH of a PREGNANT
BETTY.
LISA (V.O.)
From there, the town just seemed to go
ape-shit...
PREGNANT WOMEN YELL and point at ANOTHER PREGNANT WOMAN
they've cornered. UNFORTUNATELY she looks just like a WENDY
DOLL.
Her husband tries unsuccessfully to prevent TWO OFFICERS from
taking her away. The squad sits quietly - horrified by this
witch hunt.
EXT. FACTORY - DAY
NEWS CAMERA POV
Factory Worker talks into an "ABC" mic.
LISA (V.O.)
News of this didn't stop at the border
of Lincoln County. This thing spread
faster than a canker sore on the girls'
swim team. Someone in Lincoln would say
something like...
FACTORY WORKER
It was a bunch of faggots! Sure-as
(BEEP). They was dressed like a bunch
of freakin' Wendy Dolls, for chrissakes.
They had faggoty little voices.
(removing charred cap)
And only a buncha G-d-(BEEP) queer'd
shoot up a union cap!
LISA (V.O.)
All of a sudden...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JERRY SPRINGER SET - DAY
JERRY SPRINGER talks INTO CAMERA from the audience.
LISA (V.O.)
It's on Jerry-fuckin'-Springer!
JERRY SPRINGER
...today, we'll meet a growing number of
transvestites who don't just like to
dress up as women, they like to dress as
pregnant women. When we return,
"Transvestites with a Twist."
ON STAGE
TWO TOUGH-LOOKING MEN, dressed as pregnant women, stare out
at the audience.
LISA (V.O.)
(alternate line)
I'm not talking "Maury" or "Leeza."
This thing was definitely huge!
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DAY
A POLICE CAR with TWO OFFICERS cruises a neighborhood street.
They pass DONUTS back and forth to each other. Through their
windscreen, we see TWO SMALL CHILDREN WEARING WENDY MASKS
playing "cops and robbers."
ROBIN QUIVERS (V.O.)
In other news...oh, did you hear about
the six-armed Betty Dolls that robbed a
bank the other day?
HOWARD STERN (V.O.)
Oh man, that's so my fantasy - life size
Bettys tellin' me what to do. "Get down
on the ground, you filthy man." Yes,
Giant Betty. "Bend over!" Yes,
Mistress Betty.
ROBIN QUIVERS (V.O.)
They were pregnant.
HOWARD STERN (V.O.)
What?! Knocked-up Bettys?! Couldn't-a
been Ken, his schlong is molded to his
body. Hey, at the police line-up, they
should just see whose knees can bend the
wrong way...
INT. "ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT" SET - DAY
BOB GOEN sits at the anchor desk.
BOB GOEN
...when we come back, a behind the
scenes look at Fox's week long series,
"When Bettys Attack."
TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ESPN SET - NIGHT
DAN PATRICK sits behind the desk.
DAN PATRICK
Tonight in St. Louis, bottom of the
ninth...
GAME FOOTAGE OF THE FOLLOWING:
DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Ramirez with the pitch... McGwire
gone...
FOLLOW BALL...
DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
McGwire goes yard for the forty-second
time this season...
ANGLE ON STANDS
FANS, dressed as PREGNANT BETTYS (masks, jackets, etc.),
reach up for the ball. One catches it, holds it up and waves
to the crowd.
DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...right into a waiting pack of pregnant
Bettys.
INT. ESPN SET - CONTINUOUS
DAN PATRICK
Did I say that right? A "pack" of
Bettys? It might be a "gaggle" of
Bettys...
TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. "SOUTH PARK" - ANIMATION FOOTAGE
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TOWN
SFX: A KID PARTY
INT. KENNY'S BASEMENT - DAY
A COSTUME PARTY is in full "swing." Guys (not in costume) on
one side, girls (in costume) on the other.
KENNY
(mumbled, pointing O.C.)
What the hell?!
The GROUP OF GUYS TURN to see CARTMAN, dressed as a PREGNANT
BETTY - machine gun in hand, approaching.
KYLE
What the hell are you s'posed to be?
CARTMAN
I'm a bank-robbin' Betty.
STAN
You're not a bank-robbin' Betty - you're
a fat fuck in drag...
CARTMAN
I am not a fat fuck in drag!!!
Cartman opens fire, KILLING KENNY.
TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:
INT. "LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN" SET - NIGHT
Conan and Andy sit at a desk. Conan talks to camera.
LISA (V.O.)
Then it happened - the moment I'd been
waiting for! Our dip-shits in blue
finally followed up on my evidence...
CONAN
...they now believe a group of young
women are responsible for the Betty Bank
Robbery.
(to Andy)
I've said for years the Betty Doll was a
bad influence on young girls.
ANDY
You sure have...can't shut you up about
your Bettys.
CONAN
(laughing)
That's right. Now, I mean I'm no
authority on young girls.
(mugging to camera)
Or am I?
(to Andy, laughing)
That was kinda creepy.
ANDY
Do you have to notify police if you
move?
SPLIT-SCREEN
INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - DAY
with
INT. KANSAS' BEDROOM - DAY
ON LEFT
Diane on phone with:
ON RIGHT
Kansas on the phone.
KANSAS
It was Lucy! Lucy went to the cops!
DIANE
Remember, Kansas, every time you point a
finger you've got three more pointing
back at you.
KANSAS
She's been the weak tit on this mama cat
since the beginning.
SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP
KANSAS (CONT'D)
That you?
DIANE
Yeah, hold on.
KANSAS
Just call me later. I gotta get some
smokes for Grandma.
DIANE
Don't use big bills!
KANSAS
For a pack of cigs? I use her food
stamps.
Diane presses her receiver and SLIDES SCREEN RIGHT (PUSHING
KANSAS OFF) as Hannah, on the phone, FILLS IN ON THE LEFT.
SPLIT SCREEN
INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
with
INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DIANE
Hello?
HANNAH
(freaking out)
We're dead! They showed this prison
movie to my youth group on Sunday.
DIANE
Hannah, we've...
HANNAH
It wasn't like the prison we saw - all
these women had to shave their heads
because they got lice from the filthy
lives they'd lived! Oh G-d, I'm gonna
be someone's bald bitch!
SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP
DIANE
Ooops, hold on a sec.
Hannah continues to rant as Diane PRESSES her receiver and
SLIDES SCREEN LEFT (PUSHING the ranting Hannah OFF) as Lucy,
on phone, SLIDES ON, SCREEN RIGHT.
SPLIT SCREEN
INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
with
INT. LUCY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
LUCY
Di, it's Luce. Kansas just called and
said she's going to "fuck me up!" Then
I heard coughing, a thud and Kansas had
to go. I think her Grandma had another
heart attack. Anyway, why does she want
to "fuck me up?"
DIANE
She thinks you went to the police.
LUCY
WHAT?! That's insane!!! Why would I go
to the police?
SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP
DIANE
I've got to get that. Relax. I'll see
you tomorrow.
SPLIT SCREEN
INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
with
INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
An exasperated Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES
SCREEN RIGHT, PUSHING LUCY OUT as Hannah - STILL RANTING -
COMES BACK IN SCREEN LEFT.
HANNAH
...my Sunday School teacher says that in
prison, women shove broom sticks up
your...
DIANE
Hold on...
Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES SCREEN LEFT,
PUSHING HANNAH OUT, DIM SUM CHARLIE, on prison phone - SLIDES
ON, SCREEN RIGHT.
SPLIT SCREEN
INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
with
INT. JAIL PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS
DIANE
Yeah?
DIM SUM CHARLIE
(screaming in Chinese)
Oh thank Buddha it's you, Kim-Lo, I'm
being held against my will, my civil
rights have been violated and it took
four days to make this one phone call...
DIANE
Hello?
DIM SUM CHARLIE
Kim-Lo?
DIANE
No. This is Diane. I think you have
the wrong number.
SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP
DIANE (CONT'D)
Ooops, that's me -- gotta run!
DIM SUM CHARLIE
(about to kill himself)
Wrong number Nooooooo!
Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES SCREEN RIGHT,
PUSHING DIM SUM CHARLIE OFF, as Cleo, on phone, SLIDES ON,
SCREEN LEFT.
SPLIT SCREEN
INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
with
INT. CLEO'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
DIANE
Hello?
CLEO
Di? I just called to say that Conan
talked about us again last night.
DIANE
(first smile in a while)
Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow.
CLEO
Bye.
Diane and Cleo hang up. SPLIT SCREEN DROPS DOWN. Hannah,
still ranting, DROPS IN - FULL FRAME.
INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
HANNAH
...and a "bitch slap." I bet that
really hurts!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
CLOSE ON
Foggy mirror. A HAND WIPES IT CLEAR, revealing Diane (SAME
AS OPENING).
DIANE
(still perky)
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, except for the morning
sickness, blinding back pain and
embarrassingly unpredictable gas - these
are the best days of your life.
She starts to EXIT, then RETURNS.
DIANE (CONT'D)
So far.
She BUCKS HER CHIN, attempts a smile and starts to EXIT.
DIANE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Hey, hey, hey, not so fast...
Diane returns to the mirror.
DIANE (CONT'D)
Following your dream is not a crime.
Nobody suspects you. Nobody has a clue.
MUSIC UP
ALSO CUE: CHANTS AND CHEERS
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
MOTION SLOWS as squad, in uniform, walks toward camera in a
line across the hall. Their CONFIDENT FACES quickly turn to
worry.
ANGLE ON
STUDENTS, quickly moving out of their way.
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - LUNCH ROOM - DAY
Squad (still in uniform) sit self-consciously at a table, no
one around them. WIDEN TO REVEAL students are crushed at the
opposite side of the lunchroom. Lisa and the B-squad
approach.
LISA
Hey guys. Someone not take a shower
today?
The B-squad smiles and chuckles at this.
KANSAS
Hey Lisa, did you run into Carmen
Electra last summer?
LISA
No.
KANSAS
Oh. 'Cause is looks like you got some
of her tits in you...
A-squad can't help but laugh. Lisa angrily hands Diane a
letter.
LISA
This just came from the National High
School Cheerleading Association. You
might want to look it over before you
try any more "cradle dismounts from
double base partner stunts that are over
shoulder stand level without using three
catchers." Oh, or before you think
about robbing another bank.
SQUAD FREEZE with these WORDS. Suddenly, the lunchroom is
FLOODED with S.W.A.T. MEMBERS. It's PANDEMONIUM.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
We're back with Lisa and the FBI AGENT. Lisa has drawn
moustaches, beards, blacked-out teeth, etc. on the A-squad
MUG SHOTS.
LISA
...and that's why I came forward. I
mean, even the kids on the short bus can
see that all the evidence points to
Diane and the A-squad.
FBI AGENT
Sure does. Your testimony will prove
invaluable.
LISA
Unfortunately, it wasn't them.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
THE LIST
"Get Alibi" is CROSSED OFF.
LISA (V.O.)
They were all waiting in my Suburban
while I ran into the Safeway that day
for cash...
DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:
INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
MUSIC UP
Lisa, now the A-squad Captain, is leading a cheer.
LISA (V.O.)
We were on our way to practice. Now, I
really need to get going, 'cause nobody
ever got ahead by sitting on their
behind...
She's competent, not great. Squad, including Fern, is
thrilled to be cheering. Diane, very pregnant, SMILES and
WAVES from the stands.
END MUSIC
DIP TO BLACK.
MUSIC UP OVER END CREDITS
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
a smiling Hannah.
SUPER: HANNAH USED HER MONEY TO START A SMALL BUSINESS.
PULL BACK to REVEAL she's sitting on a HORSE beside a sign:
"WOLD RIDING SCHOOL."
SUPER: THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RIDING SCHOOL IN THE STATE.
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
A GLAMOROUS FERN
SUPER: FERN GREW INTO HER LOOKS.
PULL BACK to REVEAL Fern is wearing camouflage and posing
with a large semi-automatic on the cover of "SOLDIER OF
FORTUNE" magazine.
HEADLINE READS: "High-paid Women Assassins - Can They Have It
All?"
SUPER: AND USED HER MONEY TO TRAVEL THE WORLD.
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
A JUDGE who appears to be reading a verdict. PULL BACK to
REVEAL Kansas and MRS. HILL anxiously awaiting his verdict.
SUPER: KANSAS USED HER MONEY TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY WHO FOUND AN
OLD PIONEER LAW STILL ON THE BOOKS IN LINCOLN COUNTY.
SUPER: IF A WOMAN IS IN LABOR FOR LONGER THAN 18-HOURS - SHE
CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTIONS... MRS. HILL WAS IN
LABOR FOR 32-HOURS. SHE WAS RELEASED IMMEDIATELY.
PHOTO:
Lucy, in graduation cap and gown, waves from an auditorium
stage at HARVARD.
SUPER: LUCY USED HER MONEY TO GO TO HARVARD. SHE GRADUATED
WITH A DEGREE IN QUANTUM PHYSICS.
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
Pizza deliver box.
SUPER: WHILE STUDYING LATE ONE NIGHT, SHE HAD AN IDEA FOR A
PIZZA DELIVERY BOX THAT WOULD ACTUALLY KEEP THE PIZZA HOT.
DISSOLVE TO:
PHOTO: AERIAL VIEW
of a LUSH TROPICAL ISLAND.
SUPER: SHE NOW OWNS THE ISLAND OF GUANA, B.V.I.
INT. CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW - NIGHT
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
Cleo's smiling face.
SUPER: CLEO USED HER MONEY TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD.
PHOTO
PULL BACK to REVEAL she's wearing a ripped dress - "new"
boobs bursting out.
SUPER: WHERE SHE MET THE PRODUCER OF SCREAM VIII...
PHOTO
PULL BACK to REVEAL it's a MOVIE POSTER for SCREAM VIII.
KILLERS are behind her, holding knives and wearing BETTY
MASKS.
SUPER: THEY WERE LAST SEEN BUYING LEATHER FURNITURE IN SOHO.
PHOTO
CONTINUE PULLING BACK to REVEAL she's on "THE LATE SHOW WITH
CONAN O'BRIEN." Conan O'Brien is holding the poster between
them. She's laughing at something he's saying.
SUPER: SHE GOT GOOD REVIEWS AND HER LIFE-LONG DREAM FINALLY
CAME TRUE.
EXT. POLITICA RALLY STAGE - DAY
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
a smiling Jack and Diane - looking more mature and more in
love.
SUPER: JACK AND DIANE DID NOT USE THEIR MONEY TO BUY BIRTH
CONTROL.
PHOTO
PULL BACK to REVEAL they're surrounded by FOUR BEAUTIFUL
CHILDREN - TWINS are five, others are THREE and TWO. Diane
holds the youngest.
SUPER: AFTER THE TWINS - LIL' DEBBIE AND TRIX - WERE BORN,
JACK'S POLITICAL ADVISORS STARTED HIS SENATORIAL CAMPAIGN.
PHOTO
CONTINUE TO PULL BACK to REVEAL the VIDEO RETARDS (now in
suits) on either side of Jack and Diane.
SUPER: THEY WON.
PHOTO
PAN UP to REVEAL LARGE BANNER: "Congratulations Senator
Bartlett" hanging above them.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
Diane, smiling from ear to ear.
SUPER: DIANE KEPT BUSY RAISING THE KIDS AND RUNNING THE
"DIANE BARTLETT UNWED MOTHER SCHOLARSHIP FUND FOR
CHEERLEADERS."...
PULL BACK to REVEAL she's on an auditorium stage, handing a
LARGE CHECK to a very PREGNANT CHEERLEADER.
SUPER: SO NO CHEERLEADER WOULD EVER HAVE TO ROB A BANK.
AGAIN.
EXT. WEDDING - DAY
PHOTO: CLOSE ON
Lisa smiling in a wedding gown.
SUPER: AND LISA...
PHOTO
WIDEN to REVEAL BRUCE IS HER GROOM.
SUPER: SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT BRUCE.
FADE TO BLACK.
The End
