NEW YORK MINUTE
by
Emily Fox
revisions by
Mark Steilen
REVISED SECOND DRAFT
February 27, 2003
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAWN
CLOSE ON the anxious, sweating, frightened face of DREW
MacLEOD, 17, running to save her life. Think Dustin
Hoffman in Marathon Man -- someone, something -- is after
her but UNSEEN.
She glances fearfully behind at her mysterious pursuer,
her BREATHING becoming more labored.
Cutting through a deserted park, she leaps a bench.
Above her, the thin morning sun has only begun to lighten
the leaves.
Around the corner, she's back on a sidewalk lined with
beautiful homes, all quiet at dawn, the only noise her
racing FOOTSTEPS and quickening BREATHS.
DREW'S POV - HER OWN FRONT DOOR
and safety loom half a block down. She pours on the
effort, hurdles a hedge, jumps the stairs and makes the
door, rips it open, bolts inside and SLAMS it shut.
ANGLE ON THE SHRUB
where, with the CAMERA AT GROUND LEVEL, a GOLDEN
RETRIEVER PUPPY, unable to leap the hedge, PLOWS INTO IT
HEADFIRST and disappears. YELP!
INT. MacLEOD HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Drew, wheezing from the exertion, pulls an ASTHMA INHALER
from her pocket, takes a hit, then peeks out the window
in the front door and sees...
DREW'S POV
The puppy squeezes through the hedge, wiggling its bum to
extricate itself. A SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL picks it up, hugs
it close:
SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL
Where are you going, Jelly Bean?
CUT TO:
2.
INT. MacLEOD HOUSE - PARKER'S ROOM - MORNING
CLOSE ON A JAPANESE EXECUTIVE (with a CLOCK in his belly)
which suddenly begins SCREAMING IN JAPANESE, ITS JAW
WAGGING.
From under piles of clothes and sheets, PARKER MacLEOD,
17, Drew's twin sister, opens one eye, shuts OFF the
shrieking ALARM CLOCK.
With a SIGH, she throws her feet over the edge of the
bed. Her room is a train wreck. Grabbing a MatchBox 20
T-shirt from the pile on the bed, she gives it a sniff.
Good enough. Pulling it on, she pauses, looks a bit
concerned down at her navel.
A recent belly-button piercing looks a little red. She
touches it. Ouch. When a RINGING is heard, she begins
tossing clothes, blankets, shoes, trying to unearth the
source.
She pulls her BLACKBERRY from under the covers:
THOREAU 786: MADE CRITICAL ERROR LAST P.M.
Parker snickers, types her return from...
NOTATWIN: CONFESS
THOREAU 786: DROPPED TRIPLE DEPTH CHARGE AFTER DINNER.
NOTATWIN: THAT MUCH CAFFEINE IS ILLEGAL IN UTAH.
THOREAU 786: THEN BOUGHT 'NO MONEY DOWN' REAL ESTATE
COURSE AROUND 3:00 A.M.
This makes her smile.
NOTATWIN: A CAREER MAN. I LIKE THAT.
CUT TO:
INT. MacLEOD HOUSE - BATHROOM - MORNING
Drew stands before the mirror, perfecting perfection. In
a tasteful suit, hair just so, she opens the drawer...
... which is hyper-organized, everything in a little
labeled nook. She pulls out tweezers and we see beneath
where it says, "tweezers."
She leans into the mirror very close, spots a stray
eyebrow hair, plucks it. Pulling back, she raises her
other eyebrow. Huh. Now they're not even.
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
She leans in again and plucks one from the other eyebrow.
Uh-oh. This is like when your mom cuts your hair and
keeps cutting to get it even until you're shaved. She
reaches for the other side... but suddenly catches
herself and stops. Deep breath. Let's not get too
psychotic.
She dunks the tweezers in the alcohol jar, then replaces
them.
Checking her teeth, she spots a stuck bit. Grabbing her
WATER PICK she begins cleaning her teeth.
PARKER (O.S.)
Morning.
Startled, Drew shoots herself in the eye with the water
pick. Parker's ENTERED from her side. Drew shuts off
the water pick, dries her face.
PARKER
Why the young executive look?
DREW
I have my interview at NYU today.
Parker, sleepy, stretches, unaware she's exposing her new
belly ring.
DREW
No way Mom knows about that.
Self-consciously, Parker drops her arms, pulls her shirt
down.
PARKER
And she never will. At least
until after I'm married.
DREW
Didn't it hurt?
PARKER
Like hell.
Drew shivers.
DREW
Piercings are so... unhygienic.
A little BEEP BEEP from her preset WATCH ALARM goes off.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
DREW
Breakfast.
Drew turns on her heel and EXITS. When Parker sets her
Blackberry down we get our first glimpse of...
... HER SIDE OF THE BATHROOM which resembles a post-
apocalyptic toiletry landscape. There's a very clear
line of demarcation on the counter like the demilitarized
zone separating the Koreas.
Parker reaches among the rubble for her toothbrush but
notices another message on her Blackberry:
THOREAU 786: KNOW WHAT TODAY IS?
NOTATWIN: ANOTHER DAY IN HELL?
THOREAU 786: TWO WEEKS SINCE OUR FIRST CHAT.
NOTATWIN: OUR ANNIVERSARY. HOW SWEET.
THOREAU 786: SINCE IT'S A SPECIAL OCCASION, MY REAL
NAME'S WARREN COLLIER. IF YOU'RE EVER IN THE CITY, I'D
LOVE TO MEET. GOTTA GO.
Accompanying the text, a PICTURE Warren has sent finishes
downloading -- eighteenish, the shaggy chic, Calvin Klein
model-type.
PARKER
(suddenly wide-awake)
Hellooo, Warren.
Distracted, Parker drops her toothbrush, which bounces
off the counter and PLOPS into the toilet.
ON THE TOILET BOWL -- there it is, slowly sinking.
Parker is stone-faced. She looks to her sister's side of
the counter where a fresh brush sits in the flowered
holder. She's considering... she's reaching... then...
nah.
Instead, she squeezes the tube straight into her mouth,
brushes with a finger and spits.
INT. MacLEOD HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Drew's seated, napkin on lap, eating granola and studying
her open DAYBOOK.
(CONTINUED)
5.
CONTINUED:
DR. QUINN MacLEOD, dressed professionally and obviously
together even at this hour, pours coffee for herself and
her husband, PROFESSOR CHARLEY MacLEOD, who ENTERS still
in his ratty old bathrobe and outrageous bed-head.
As a matter of routine, Quinn holds out his cup and he
takes it, kisses her and sits down to the paper.
DREW
Morning, Dad.
CHARLEY
Morning, baby.
DREW
How's the book coming?
CHARLEY
(sigh)
Well, sweety, my writing process
is a lot like a giant
hydroelectric dam. For a long
time I just let the great ideas
build up and build up until the
sheer weight of them spills over
and the words just come pouring
out.
DREW
Still stuck, huh?
CHARLEY
Not a word.
Parker ENTERS with her Blackberry in hand, smooches her
pop, then takes a sat.
Parker's clearly a chip off her Dad's block. Both pour
milk first into their bowl, then Charley drops in Super
Sugar Crisp while Parker pours in Count Chocula. Both
hit 'em with a couple of spoons of extra sugar.
Mom takes a seat, too, primly eating a piece of dry wheat
toast that she slices in half first. Like Mom, like
Drew.
Drew spots the BLACKBERRY JPEG of Warren before Parker
can turn it over.
DREW
Another one for the trophy room,
huh?
(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
Boys can be fun. You should try
one some time.
QUINN
(to Drew)
You ready for your interview?
DREW
(funny you
should ask)
I've prepared a color-coded
itinerary based on dividing the
day into fifteen minute increments
alternating blue/red, double-
checked the train schedule,
confirmed with the Weather Channel
and rehearsed a couple of
alternate scenarios last night,
you know, just to account for all
the possible glitches.
PARKER
We'll take that as a yes.
CHARLEY
I'm proud of you for sticking to
your plan all these years, sweety.
PARKER
I still don't understand why you
want to finish college in two
years? What's the big hurry?
DREW
I want to hit the ground running.
All those football games and the
partying and the whole dating
scene. It just seems like a lot
of wasted time that could be spent
more productively.
QUINN
The Accelerated program would look
great on your med school
application.
PARKER
Football games I get. But
partying? A waste of time?
Parker looks to her dad. He shrugs.
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
CHARLEY
To each her own.
QUINN
Well, Drew. I have a surprise.
Everybody stops what they're doing for a BEAT.
QUINN
I took the day off.
(excitedly)
I'm going into the City with you.
DREW
(panicked)
What -- ?!
Drew CHOKES on her granola and a little milk trickles out
her nose.
QUINN
Isn't that great! We can do some
shopping, have lunch, real girl
stuff. Won't that be fun?
PARKER
If you want to have fun, I'm the
one who should go, not Mother
Teresa over there.
Drew is still choking -- pretty badly.
PARKER
Let me know if you want me to do
the Heimlich. It'd be cool to
have you owe me your life.
WHOOSH! The granola goes down and she sucks air.
QUINN
You okay?
DREW
(still clearing)
No... I mean, it's... impossible.
I've got every minute accounted
for right up to the interview.
Blue and red! It won't work.
QUINN
I just thought... you know... I've
been working and we haven't had a
chance to spend much time
together...
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:
Quinn, the normally thick-skinned M.D., is tearing up.
QUINN
... and both my babies are going
away to college next Fall.
She takes her plate and goes to the sink and Parker
follows her, putting an arm around her shoulder.
PARKER
Don't be sad, Mom. Just think,
when Drew leaves for school, you
won't be losing a daughter, you'll
be losing an anal-retentive social
misfit who will be voted most
likely to die a virgin.
Drew throws an arm around Quinn's other shoulder.
DREW
I'm sorry, Mom. It's really sweet
of you. But don't worry. Parker
will be living here with you
forever since no college on earth
will ever take her.
QUINN
Stop it, you two.
Mom blows her nose.
PARKER
It's not fair you guys get to go
into the City and I don't.
CHARLEY
Don't you have a chem test, young
lady?
PARKER
Chemistry? Please. Name one time
you ever used chemistry in your
life.
CHARLEY
(beat)
Good point.
QUINN
(adamant)
I use chemistry every day.
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
You're a doctor, Mom. I'm not
going to be a doctor. I can't
even say the word 'orifice,' let
alone put a finger up one.
The BEEP BEEP of Drew's alarm WATCH signals time to go.
Drew is trying to cover up, but she's reeling from the
news that her mother's going to accompany her.
DREW
(worried)
Time to go.
INT. DREW'S ROOM - MORNING
Drew's room looks like a four-star hotel suite. Almost
trembling with tension, she ENTERS and immediately sits
down at her desk with her DAYPLANNER, turning to the
present DATE:
CLOSE ON THE PAGE, WHERE EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES IS COLOR-
CODED AND ACCOUNTED FOR RIGHT UP TO...
2:07 -- PROFESSOR QUE SPAULDING, CHAIR, NEW YORK
UNIVERSITY ACCELERATED STUDIES PROGRAM, ADMINISTRATION
BUILDING, SUITE 101.
QUINN (O.S.)
Come on, honey! Let's tear up
Manhattan!
With a shiver, Drew closes the book, looks up into the
mirror, takes a squirt off her inhaler to calm herself
and tries some self-reassurance.
DREW
You're smart. You're resourceful.
You'll find a way to make it work.
She tries to sell herself on this by smiling, but
something in the smile suggests SHE'S SCREWED.
Collecting her Dayplanner, purse, interview file and cell
phone, she drops them into her matching Coach shoulder bag.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - MacLEOD HOUSE - MORNING
Quinn hops in her Saab.
ANGLE ON the doorway, where Drew pauses, takes a deep
breath to brace herself, then walks like a condemned
prisoner to her mother's car and climbs in.
10.
INT. QUINN'S SAAB - CONTINUOUS ACTION
RING! Quinn's CELL PHONE goes off. Quinn looks annoyed,
checks the incoming number. Drew closes her eyes and
prays.
QUINN
(to phone)
Doctor MacLeod...
(beat; winking
at Drew)
I'm sorry, but my itinerary is
booked solid today. Call Dr.
Wessels. He's covering for me.
(beat)
He did?
(beat)
Are you sure it's the baby's head?
(beat)
All right. I'm coming.
Frustrated, Mom hangs up and with a look of profound
disappointment, turns to Drew.
QUINN
I'm sorry, hon. It's a Blue Light
special in Maternity. Every bed's
full and some poor woman is about
to give birth in the gift shop. I
have to go in.
Drew musters her best sad, sad face for her mom.
DREW
Ah, darn it, Mom. That's a shame.
It's like fate is conspiring
against us.
QUINN
I know.
DREW
You absolutely, positively have to
promise me we'll do it another
time.
QUINN
I promise. I better hurry. Have
Parker drop you at the train
station on her way to school, will
you?
Quinn gives her daughter a smile and a kiss.
(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:
QUINN
Kill 'em in that interview.
DREW
(beat)
Mom, you know, I might not get in.
QUINN
Are you kidding me? You're Drew
MacLeod. Nobody's smarter, nobody
works harder and nobody, and I
mean nobody, is ever more
prepared.
Drew smiles, hugs her mom and jumps out, waving as her
mom backs down the drive and disappears down the street.
With the weight of the world suddenly lifted from her
shoulders, Drew looks to the sky and mouths, "thank you."
This is when Parker comes hauling down the driveway in
her Honda Accord. Drew signals her to stop, so of course
her sister IGNORES HER and jets into the street.
DREW
Hey! Stop!
Drew takes off running after the car!
DREW
PARKER!!
EXT. PHILADELPHIA TRAIN STATION - MORNING
Commuters all jump from their cars and into the station.
INT. THE GIRLS' HONDA - MORNING
Parker pulls up to the curb at the station. Drew
collects her bag.
PARKER
Good luck with your interview.
Drew pauses, holding the door open.
DREW
You know, Parker. Chemistry is
important. When you think about
it, everything's made of
chemicals.
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
Oh, I'm interested in chemistry.
Just not the kind with all the
numbers and stinky test tubes.
Drew shuts the door and hustles off into the train
station. Parker SIGHS, looks to the BLACKBERRY on the
seat next to her.
PARKER
Ah, chemistry.
INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR - MORNING
Drew finds a seat. She neatly folds her jacket and sets
it next to her.
She pulls out a lumbar support pillow and tucks it behind
her -- just right. Next, she takes out a tiny inflatable
lap desk, blows it up and sets it across her lap. A pen
goes in the little holder. Coffee from her Thermos.
After laying out her interview materials, she turns to
her reflection in the window.
DREW
(low; rehearsing)
Professor Spaulding. Good
afternoon. I'm Drew MacLeod.
An EXECUTIVE takes the aisle seat next to her, and after
a sideways glance at Drew's portable office, opens his
Wall Street Journal as the train begins to pull away.
EVERY COMMUTER is quietly reading the paper or staring
off into their own world, wondering why their life has
lead them to this sad moment when...
... they're all distracted by an AWFUL, AWFUL VOICE
singing Sheryl Crow's "Soak Up the Sun." It's Parker,
wearing her headphones and looking for a seat in the full
train car.
Drew stares at her, dumbfounded.
DREW
What do you think you're doing?
PARKER
(too loud; with
headphones on)
Looking for a seat.
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED:
DREW
This can't be happening. Wait, I
know. This is one of those Ground
Hog Day dreams, isn't it?
Drew pinches herself too hard.
DREW
Ow!
(to Parker)
I'm awake now. You're supposed to
disappear.
PARKER
(still too loud)
You know, I just got this itch.
DREW
Then scratch it and get back to
school.
PARKER
I couldn't concentrate anyway.
I'm too... distracted today.
DREW
You're permanently distracted.
It's called Attention Deficit
Disorder.
(spotting her
Blackberry)
Is this about that chat room guy?
It is, isn't it?
A look from the Exec reminds Parker of her headphones and
she pulls them off.
PARKER
No! It's about spontaneity, which
you obviously wouldn't know
anything about.
DREW
I swear to God, Parker, you go
through boyfriends like Junior
Mints. It's pathetic.
PARKER
Pathetic? You want to talk about
pathetic?! At least I don't count
getting accidentally felt up in
dodge ball as my first date!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
PARKER (CONT'D)
You're going to be eighteen and
you've never even HAD a boyfriend!
The EXECUTIVE furrows his brow at Drew -- never?
DREW
Is this any of your business?
He goes back to his paper.
DREW
This is ridiculous. I don't have
time for this today. Fine. Don't
graduate from high school. Make a
mess of your life over some
complete stranger. I don't care.
But leave me out. I have
something important I need to
accomplish today, so please go
away.
EXECUTIVE
(to Parker)
Would you like this seat so you
two can fight?
DREW/PARKER
No thank you.
Drew's ALARM WATCH BEEPS.
DREW
I have to mentally preview my day
now. I can't talk anymore.
Parker turns to go, then remembers something.
PARKER
Uh, Drew? Do you have any money?
I don't have enough for a ticket.
Drew just rolls her eyes and turns her back on her
sister.
The Executive peers over his spectacles at Parker with
the old paternal reprimand look.
PARKER
Please. Like you never ditched
school.
CUT TO:
15.
INT. SECOND TRAIN CAR - MORNING
Parker's got her headphones back on and is SINGING Uncle
Cracker's "Follow Me," torturing everyone in her car.
PARKER
'You don't know how you met me...'
But when she spots the CONDUCTOR ENTERING the front of
the car, she abruptly stops, slips down in he seat and
slides past the COMMUTER LADY next to her into the aisle.
PARKER
Excuse me.
Parker heads the opposite direction from the ticket-
taking Conductor and out the back of the train car.
INT. THE TRAIN - WOMEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Parker stands by the door, waiting, listening to hear if
the coast is clear.
Sounds good. She cracks the door, steps out on tiptoes,
closes the door and THERE'S THE CONDUCTOR. He smiles.
CONDUCTOR
Ticket, please.
PARKER
Why don't I save the b.s. story
and just ask you to cut me a break
this one time because I know
you've got a big heart and you
remember what it was like when you
were young and... and...
(off the Conductor's
look)
... randy?
EXT. TRENTON STATION PLATFORM - MORNING
Parker's on the platform. The Conductor climbs back on
the train into the FIRST CAR.
PARKER
(calling after)
I guess you were never young and
randy!
This is when she sees Drew sitting in the train window,
smiling and giving her a little victory wave.
16.
INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR - MORNING
The Conductor heads up the aisle -- does a double-take
when he sees Drew.
CONDUCTOR
Very funny.
DREW
Excuse me?
CONDUCTOR
Let's go.
He takes her by the arm.
DREW
What are you doing?
Drew scrambles to grab her bag, jacket, the little
inflatable lap desk falling to the floor.
CONDUCTOR
I tried to be nice about it, but
if you want the police involved,
this is the way to do it.
DREW
Police? I didn't do anything.
CONDUCTOR
No ticket, no train ride.
DREW
(realizing)
No! That's not me! That was my
twin sister you threw off!
CONDUCTOR
Young lady, in thirty years I have
heard every possible line but
that's the lamest ever.
DREW
(pointing)
She's right there!
ANGLE ON THE PLATFORM
No Parker.
He hauls Drew down the aisle but as they EXIT THE CAR,
SHE BUMPS HEAD-ON INTO BIKE MESSENGER/PRE-MED/MOUNTAIN
CLIMBER/MALE MODEL GUY -- they really do CRACK FOREHEADS,
OUCH!
(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED:
IS DREW SEEING STARS? OR IS IT THE MAGIC OF THIS INSTANT
IN TIME WITH DREAM GUY?
BOTH OF THEM SHAKE OFF THE WOOZIES. He smiles:
DREAM GUY
You okay?
DREW
I'm... ouch.
CONDUCTOR
She's fine, considering she should
be in jail.
As the Conductor escorts her down the stairs, she and
Dream Guy share a last look before she's...
... left on the platform just as the train's pulling out.
Still no sign of Parker and Drew doesn't have all her
wits about her.
DREW
This can't be happening! I have
a... a... little paper thingy.
What are they called? Ticket! I
have a ticket! It's right...
She drops her bag, contents spilling willy-nilly. On her
hands and knees, she frantically searches for her ticket
in the mess.
The Conductor, however, is already on the train stop as
it pulls away. He just waves, victorious.
Parker steps back out onto the platform and the Conductor
spots her. He looks from one sister to the other --
oops, mistake. But it's too late. Sheepishly, he climbs
inside and the train is gone.
DREW
(to the gods)
AARRGGH! PARRR... KERRR!
Parker steps up from behind her.
PARKER
You get kicked off, too? Why
didn't you just buy a ticket?
Parker stoops to help collect a couple of things but
Drew, mad at hell, swats her hand away.
(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED:
DREW
Don't.
PARKER
What happened to your head?
DREW
Oh, just a minor concussion I
sustained while the Conductor was
throwing me off the train because
he thought I was you sneaking back
on the train!
PARKER
Sorry.
DREW
I'll bet.
Drew throws her bag over her shoulder and heads for the
ticket counter. The WELT on her forehead is gonna be a
doozey.
PARKER
(calling after)
I am! Where are you going?
DREW
To see when the next train
leaves.
PARKER
I already --
But Drew's inside the stationhouse.
PARKER
-- did. They said something about
a delay.
Parker follows into the stationhouse.
INT. TRENTON TRAIN STATION - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Packed with frustrated COMMUTERS. Drew's standing in a
long line at the ticket counter, steaming, turning a cold
shoulder on...
... Parker, who walks right through to the street side.
19.
EXT. TRENTON TRAIN STATION - STREET SIDE - CONTINUOUS
ACTION
Parker steps outside where it's just as crowded. She
scopes the situation, which isn't good -- stranded
COMMUTERS jostle for the few remaining TAXIS.
TWO EXECUTIVES get into a shoving match.
To the left, a couple of BLACK LINCOLN TOWN CARS --
standard car service rigs -- sit IDLING, each with a
DRIVER next to it, holding up his sign with his client's
name scratched on it.
An EXECUTIVE (#2) passes her, finger in the air,
signaling the FIRST DRIVER who holds a sign that read:
"Wilcox."
EXECUTIVE #2
That's me.
With no further ado, the driver opens the back door for
him, the Exec climbs in, the driver hustles around to his
side and in an instant, the car leaves the chaos behind.
Parker raises an eyebrow. Hm.
The second driver (BENNIE) with a head like a cinder
block and no neck, is talking on his cell phone and
holding up a sign, "SCARPELLI."
Parker shoots a finger into the air. This barely gets
his attention but he nods, nonchalantly. Parker signals
again -- one minute -- then turns back inside.
INT. TRENTON TRAIN STATION
Drew has reached the counter, where a bitter TRAIN CLERK
who wishes he'd paid attention in school is tired of
angry commuters.
DREW
That can't be. I have to be there
before two!
TRAIN CLERK
Well, maybe if you flap your arms
real fast you can fly there,
because you won't get there on a
train.
DREW
(about to explode)
What did you just say?
(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:
Parker arrives in the nick of time, pulling her by the arm.
PARKER
Come on. Hurry. I got us a ride.
DREW
Let go of my arm.
But Parker drags her away. Drew shoots a look back at
the Clerk, who sticks out his tongue at her.
EXT. TRENTON TRAIN STATION - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Parker pulls Drew toward the Town Car.
DREW
What's this?
PARKER
A car service.
DREW
Car service? You couldn't have
called for a...
But Bennie opens the door for Parker like he's done it a
thousand times.
BENNIE
Morning, miss.
PARKER
Good morning. Thank you. My
sister's coming, too.
Drew KNOWS SOME SKETCHY SHIT IS GOING DOWN buy she's only
got this instant to consider. She glances at the
STRANDED MOB descending on a lone approaching CAB,
engulfing it.
PARKER
You want to make that interview,
or not?
Drew lets herself be pulled inside. Bennie shuts the
door and waddles around to his side.
INT. TOWN CAR - MORNING
Parker tries to play cool -- Drew's rigid -- angry and
afraid. Bennie checks his invoice.
(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:
BENNIE
So you're headed to the Teamster's
Hall on Second Street?
PARKER
(chewing a lip)
You know, Mister...
She checks his Chauffeur's License up front: Benjamin
Loyola.
PARKER
... Loyola.
BENNIE
Bennie.
PARKER
Mr. Bennie? We have a slight
change of itinerary. We need to
go into Manhattan. 57th and 5th
will be fine.
Bennie doesn't seem perturbed a bit.
BENNIE
It's pre-paid. No skin off my
nose.
DREW
(whispering
throughout)
Pre-paid? What's 57th and 5th?
PARKER
(whispering
throughout)
Barneys.
DREW
Not Barneys.
PARKER
We've got five hours. Relax.
He FIRES UP the LINCOLN and off they go.
Drew now has a pretty clear inclination as to what's
going on. She leans into her sister and WHISPERS.
DREW
This was supposed to be someone
else's car, wasn't it?
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
So?
Just then, Bennie tosses the sign, which he'd stashed on
the dash, onto the seat next to him, face up so Drew can
read:
DREW
'Scarpelli'? We're supposed to be
Italian?
PARKER
Northern Italian.
DREW
This is so... wrong.
PARKER
What? You need to get to that
interview. We now have a ride.
We will pay for the ride. End of
big deal.
This is when Bennie's CELL PHONE RINGS and he answers it.
BENNIE
Yeah?
(beat)
No. The city.
(beat)
What'a you talkin' about?
Bennie glances into the REARVIEW MIRROR, smiling at the
girls...
BENNIE
I already got 'em.
... but his smile TURNS DOWN AT THE CORNERS as he
listens. The girls exchange doubtful looks. It gets
worse.
BENNIE
They're right here in the car.
(to girls)
'Scuse me.
Bennie RAISES THE PRIVACY GLASS but doesn't realize he's
left the intercom button on so they can still hear his
half of the conversation.
The girls are PETRIFIED.
(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
(low to Drew)
Not good.
DREW
(swallowing)
What's happening?
BENNIE
(to phone)
Don't you think that's a little
severe? I mean, they didn't see
nothin' yet. They can't hear
nothin'.
YES THEY CAN and they're now scared as hell.
BENNIE
You're the boss.
(beat)
Take it easy. I'll fix it.
(beat)
No, I don't have a shovel. Not
today. It'll be a big mess.
Besides, I just had this suit
cleaned.
The girls want OUT OF THIS CAR!
BENNIE
I'll take 'em to the wharf, what
difference does it make?
Drew yanks out her inhaler and sucks on it.
DREW
(whispered terror)
Parker, I think maybe we should
get out.
Parker sees the LIGHT AHEAD TURN RED.
PARKER
I agree. How about... NOW!
Just as Bennie brakes for the light, Parker throws her
door open and pulls Drew into the street!
An ONCOMING BUICK LOCKS UP its BRAKES as they dash for
the sidewalk.
BENNIE (O.S.)
Hey?! Where you goin'?!
24.
EXT. JERSEY SIDEWALK - MORNING
They hit the sidewalk and without breaking stride, race
around the first corner, looking back over their
shoulder.
PARKER
He's stuck at the light!
VRROOOM! Here comes the Lincoln storming around the
corner.
DREW
He has no respect for traffic
laws!
They run into the first ALLEY and hunker down by a
GARBAGE CAN. The Lincoln flies past. They dash back
out, the same way they came.
SCREECH! Bennie LOCKS UP the WHEELS!
They round the same corner going the opposite way and
Parker pulls them into the first door...
INT. MINI-MART - MORNING
... where they crouch down the magazine rack. Among the
magazines is DOG FANCY with a picture of a Chinese
Crested Hairless on the cover and the headline: "EMPEROR
DEFENDS CROWN."
Parker peers over the top and out the window.
PARKER'S POV -- slowly, the Lincoln cruises the street,
Bennie scanning the neighborhood for them.
DREW
Is he gone? I can't believe this.
What did you get us into?
PARKER
We lost him. Wow. That was a
rush.
DREW
A rush? Are you out of your mind?
BUM (O.S.)
Hey. Give me a quarter, will ya?
Spooked, they both turn to find a scraggly HOMELESS GUY
with a Slushee in his hand. They stand. Parker reaches
in her pocket.
(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED:
MINI-MART CLERK
Get outta here, Uncle Jerry!
PARKER
(to Homeless Guy)
I don't have any change, but here.
Parker starts to find the Homeless Guy a dollar but Drew
reaches over to stop her...
DREW
Parker, you're only feeding the
poor man's disease. Buy him a
healthy snack.
... just as the Homeless Guy reaches for the dollar and
the SLUSHEE IS KNOCKED FROM HIS HAND.
We watch in SLOW MOTION AS THE SLUSHEE TAKES FLIGHT, THE
CAP FALLING OFF AND THE STICKY, CHERRY RED MESS FANNING
OUT UNTIL...
... BACK TO FAST MOTION -- SPLAT! IT CATCHES DREW FULL-
FACED, DRENCHING HER.
The Homeless Guy snags the dollar.
HOMELESS GUY
I gotta go.
And he EXITS. Parker SNIFFS.
PARKER
Ew. That stinks. That's not just
Slushee.
The MINI-MART CLERK approaches them, shaking his head.
MINI-MART CLERK
It's Mad Dog. Look at that mess.
It's gonna smell up the store all
day.
Drew appears STUNNED, unable to form words so Parker
speaks for her.
PARKER
May we use your bathroom please?
The cherry syrup and cheap wine concoction drips down
Drew's blank face.
MINI-MART CLERK
Gas station at the end of the
block. Have a nice day.
26.
INT. BURT'S PUMP 'N' GO - MORNING
BURT, who has no teeth, hands over the restroom key to
the girls. The key is attached to a full-sized STEERING
WHEEL. Burt SNIFFS, wrinkling his nose.
BURT
You know, it's not my place to
say, but you young girls got your
whole lives ahead of you. You
shouldn't be drinkin' at this hour
of the day.
PARKER
That's what I keep telling her.
BURT
'Round the side.
EXT. BURT'S PUMP 'N' GO - MORNING
The girls practically have to drag the key around to the
restroom on the side.
Parker puts the key in and slowly... slowly...
CREAKING... opens the GATES OF HELL
ON THE GIRLS -- WHO STARE IN HORROR INTO THE ABYSS FOR A
BEAT, THEN:
GIRLS
AHHHHHHH!!!!
CUT TO:
INT. BUS - MORNING
Sitting side by side. A YOUNG MOTHER sits in front of
them with her NINE-MONTH-OLD BABY who's standing on the
seat facing the girls.
Drew's BUMP on her forehead is large and inflamed, her
hair a stringy, ratty mess of booze and red-dye number
four and glucose. She is in a REALLY BAD MOOD, only
staring straight ahead.
Parker's playing peek-a-boo with the baby and trying to
lighten up her sister's mood.
PARKER
Everything's going to be fine.
(to baby)
Peek-a-boo!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED:
PARKER (CONT'D)
(to Drew)
We're practically there. We'll
get you cleaned up, you'll get
into the program and...
(to baby)
Peek-a-boo!
(to Drew)
... we'll both look back on this
and laugh our butts off.
BLECCH! The BABY PUKES all over Drew. She looks
sideways at her sister.
DREW
I will never, ever, forgive you.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - MORNING
The bus pulls over then pulls away, leaving the girls on
the sidewalk.
PARKER
See? New York. We made it.
DREW
I could be arrested for vagrancy
looking like this.
PARKER
Listen. I've got an idea.
DREW
No. No ideas. I'm going straight
to that interview and wait,
without moving or speaking,
especially to you, for four hours.
PARKER
(ignoring her)
Come on! We're going to the
Plaza! We can be Eloise! We'll
get a nice room, you can take a
shower and I'll swap clothes with
you! Simple as that!
DREW
Do you have the slightest clue
what that would cost?
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
So? You've got the emergency
credit card Mom gave you, right?
Drew's suddenly looking at her EMPTY HANDS.
PARKER
What's wrong?
DREW
(dawning realization)
Oh. My. God.
PARKER
Where's your, uh, stuff?
DREW
(near coma)
I left it in his car.
PARKER
Oh.
DREW
He knows where I live. He's going
to hunt me down and kill me.
PARKER
Come on, Drew. I don't think even
the Mafia kills people just for
scamming a ride. Quit being
paranoid.
(beat)
So, we don't do the Plaza. I've
got...
Parker digs in her pockets.
PARKER
Six dollars and thirty-two cents.
DREW
That won't get me hosed down at a
car wash.
PARKER
What are we thinking? You've got
your secret-safety twenty!
DREW
(beat)
My secret-safety twenty. Of
course. But it's only for
emergencies.
(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED:
Parker looks her sister right in the eye.
DREW
Yeah.
Drew takes off her shoe, lifts the inner sole and pulls
out a twenty, then realizes:
DREW
Hey, how'd you know about my
secret-safety twenty?
PARKER
That's not important now. But
let's just say that it's a good
thing for you I think those shoes
are so ugly I never borrowed them.
(pointing)
Hey, how about there?
Parker points to hotel where the dilapidated sign reads:
THE RITZY PLAZA -- HOURLY RATES, HOT TUBS.
DREW
No. I want to get clean, not
contract hepatitis.
PARKER
(sotto voce)
Twenty-six dollars and thirty-six
cents.
DREW
We touch nothing.
Parker leads them inside.
INT. THE RITZY PLAZA
This looks like a good place to get your throat cut
fighting over a dime's worth of crack.
There's no real lobby, just a small area to stand at the
"desk" which is behind iron bars. Behind the iron bars a
rabbit-eared TV with a busted-in tube houses a dead
houseplant. An old easy chair leaks stuffing.
PARKER
(swallowing)
Hello? Anybody?
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
Above, a BABY SCREECHES. Something BREAKS. Then a
DISEMBODIED VOICE SPEAKS to them.
DESK CLERK (O.S.)
Keep your pants on. What'dya
want?
The girls look behind them, nobody. Behind the bars?
Still nobody. What the hell?
DESK CLERK (O.S.)
I don't got all day.
PARKER
(uh...)
We need a room... with a shower.
Just for an hour.
There's the sound of something SCRAPING across the floor
and then the MIDGET HOTEL CLERK appears behind the
counter. Now he's standing on a STOOL and we don't know
what he was doing behind the counter.
DESK CLERK
Sixty bucks.
PARKER
(getting oriented)
Hi.
DESK CLERK
You want the room or not?
DREW
Sixty dollars an hour for this --
PARKER
(interrupting;
covering)
-- really nice place. How much
for half an hour.
DESK CLERK
Maybe if you two were in school
you could figure out that half a
sixty is thirty.
PARKER
We've only got twenty-five.
(CONTINUED)
31.
CONTINUED:
DESK CLERK
You think because I'm short you
can just charm me into making some
deal, is that it?
PARKER
No, not at all.
DREW
It's all we have. Twenty-six
dollars and thirty-six cents.
DESK CLERK
Are you the one that stinks so
bad?
DREW
(insulted)
I had a little accident, okay?
DESK CLERK
All right, all right, don't get
your underwear in a bunch. As a
public service, just 'cause you
stink so bad, you can have it for
twenty-five.
He retrieves a key and holds it up just out of reach
between the bars.
DESK CLERK
Ten-dollar deposit on key.
DREW
What part of 'That is all the
money we have' didn't make sense
to you?
PARKER
Sir, that's every last cent we
have in the world. I swear to
you, we aren't planning to steal
your key.
DESK CLERK
I give you some special deal, the
next thing you know, you two are
telling everybody, hey, this
midget was a real sap. We gave
him some sob story and the little
guy just busted up into crocodile
tears and handed over the key.
(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
I promise we won't tell anyone.
Will we, Drew?
DREW
Not a word. Girl Scout's honor.
He grudgingly holds out the key for Parker, who takes it
and hands it to Drew while she gets the money out.
ON DREW -- sensing something, she looks down at her feet
where a HUGE RAT is licking the sweet stuff off her
shoes.
There's a rather LONG BEAT while this horror sinks in,
then:
DREW
AHHHHHH!!!!
Key in hand, Drew makes a beeline out the door.
PARKER
Drew?! DREW?!
Parker follows her.
DESK CLERK
Come back with my key!
The Desk Clerk jumps off his stool, opens his cage and
follows them into the street.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOTEL - DAY
Panicked, Drew sprints down the sidewalk with Parker and
the Desk Clerk in tow.
Laying the hammer down, the Desk Clerk blasts past Parker
-- he's a midget, but he's got wheels.
PARKER
Drew! STOP!
CUT TO:
INT. MATERNITY WARD - MORNING
A WOMAN is giving birth. Her husband holds her hand.
Quinn and a nurse are at her feet.
(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED:
QUINN
Mrs. Greenspan? You're going to
have to help. I need you to push.
But they don't have her attention which is riveted on...
... A TV TUNED TO "THE TODAY SHOW" WHERE WHACK! THE DESK
CLERK DROPS DREW LIKE A SAPP-SACKING GANNON, THROWING
THEM BOTH INTO THE LINE OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS, WHO THEN
TOPPLE LIKE DOMINOES.
MRS. GREENSPAN
Did you see that?
MR. GREENSPAN
Honey? The baby? Please?
CUT TO:
EXT. "TODAY SHOW" SIDEWALK - MORNING
"TODAY SHOW" SECURITY GUARDS and NYPD descend on the
crowd.
NYPD OFFICER
All right. Who's the wise guy?
Parker pulls Drew out of the pile-up and grabs the key,
tossing it away from them, sending the Desk Clerk
scrambling after it.
The two girls HIGH TAIL IT around the corner. Winded,
they stop.
PARKER
Man, that little guy could really
motor. Why'd you bolt?
DREW
There was a rat, Parker. A rat
the size of a Doberman eating my
foot.
PARKER
That was all our money.
DREW
Our money? OUR MONEY?!
PARKER
Key down, you're going to have an
attack.
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:
Drew's sucking on her inhaler but is so irate she spits
out the words.
DREW
Parker, it was not 'our' money and
this is not 'our' day in New York.
What it is, is quite possibly the
most important day of my life.
I've resigned myself to the fact
that you don't give a crap about
what you do with yours, but if you
could find it in your heart, your
tiny, cold steel heart, to respect
what this means to me, I would
appreciate it.
But Parker's not listening. She's staring intently...
... ACROSS THE STREET where several TOWN CARS are parked,
the DRIVERS chatting next to a HOT DOG/PRETZEL CART.
Among them is Bennie, sipping coffee. Parker spots him
and freezes.
DREW
You're not even listening. That's
typical. Look, we're splitting
up. Give me back my secret safety
money.
PARKER
(still looking past
Drew)
You know how I told you not to be
paranoid?
DREW
Paranoid?
PARKER
What I meant was, it isn't
paranoia if someone really is
chasing you.
Parker tries to subtly indicate with her eyes that Drew
should look across the street.
DREW
What's wrong with your eyes?
PARKER
(whispering)
It's him.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:
Drew finally turns and she, too, freezes.
PARKER
Quiet. Don't run. He'll see us.
Not wanting to draw his attention, the Girls shuffle off
quickly down the street.
ON Bennie -- squinting across at them. Can he make them
out in the crowd? He nods to ANOTHER DRIVER, tosses his
coffee cup and climbs in behind the wheel.
DREW
HE SAW US!
The girls break into a run.
DREW
How'd he find us?
PARKER
Maybe it's just coincidence!
DREW
Or maybe WE TOLD HIM WHERE WE WERE
GOING!!
She points up at the street sign -- 57th and 5th. Oops.
PARKER
Come on!
Parker leads her into traffic, HORNS BLARING, as they
weave their way across. On the far side, a HORSE
CARRIAGE pulls away from the curb and at the last minute,
Parker spots a fresh pile of...
... HORSE SHIT, which she manages to leap. Drew,
however, ISN'T GOING TO MAKE IT OVER. She closes her
eyes.
PARKER
Jump!
Drew stumbles, wrong-foots the takeoff but somehow
manages to get across it to the curb. For just a BEAT,
we see her surprised face. Hm. I did it.
Then they see Bennie crossing in traffic, huffing and
puffing after them and not seeing the pile, which he hits
in full stride, slips on, and PLOPS INTO on his ass.
This gives the girls the opening they need and they ditch
inside some revolving doors.
36.
INT. THE PLAZA - GIRLS' POV - DAY
IN THE STREET, Bennie's getting up, brushing the crap
off. When a CAB HONKS at him, he gives it an Italian
salute and slaps the hood, but when he reaches the curb
it's clear: He's lost the girls.
DREW AND PARKER
DREW
I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to be done. No more rats,
no more mob hit men.
PARKER
Well, Cinderella, your wish has
come true.
(gesturing)
Voila, La Plaza, mademoiselle.
DREW
So? Hello? No dinero?
PARKER
Yeah. I've got what I'd like to
call a 'creative solution' to
that.
DREW
No. I'm calling Mom.
PARKER
What good will that do?
DREW
(beat)
I'll have her... uh...
PARKER
Have her what? Hi, Mom? Could
you leave that baby halfway outta
there and drive into the city?
DREW
Dad, then.
PARKER
Dad, hey. Drew. Complete loser.
Couldn't get to an interview by
myself, need full bail out. Yeah.
I'm the one who was going to
change the world, I just couldn't
get across town.
(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED:
DREW
Damn it, Parker, my itinerary is
shot to hell! Blue, red --
Her WATCH ALARM BEEPS.
DREW
I don't even know what that means!
I'm running out of time.
(noticing)
Is that guy looking at me?
Parker starts to look.
DREW
Don't look.
PARKER
When you ask a question like that,
the person is going to look.
Drew drags her behind a palm. Sure enough, across the
lobby, a guy dressed as PLAINCLOTHES HOTEL SECURITY
(MORTY SESTERO) now pretends he wasn't keeping an eye on
them.
DREW
I think he was.
PARKER
Drew, we haven't done anything.
DREW
Yeah, but I'm standing in the
lobby of the Plaza looking like a
deranged street person who might
attack at any moment. In fact, I
might attack at any moment.
The ELEVATOR behind them opens.
PARKER
Let's go.
The girls slip into the elevator. When it closes,
Morty's watching.
INT. HALLWAY - THE PLAZA - DAY
The girls climb out of the elevator and sneak to the end
of the hall where Parker stops and peers back around the
corner.
(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:
DREW
(whispering)
What are we doing? And why am I
whispering?
PARKER
We're getting you a shower. Blake
Greer pulled this at the Sheraton
after the prom.
DREW
Great. Now we're emulating Blake
Greer, voted most likely to commit
a felony before having to shave.
PARKER
We're not going to steal anything.
We're just going to sneak in, use
a little soap and water and get
out.
DREW
Oh, we're not going to steal
anything. Super. Just a little
'breaking and entering.'
PARKER
We're not going to break anything.
(beat)
We are going to enter, however.
DREW
No. No. No.
PARKER
Shhh... here comes somebody.
DOWN THE HALL a door swings open and MR. AND MRS. LO
BIANCHO, wealthy Bostonians, EXIT their suite.
ANOTHER ANGLE
REVEALS -- at the opposite end of the hallway, Parker and
Drew aren't the only ones watching. A PAINTER with one
lazy eye, ROGER, pauses with his roller and carefully
peeks around the corner.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
It's the New York Kennel Club,
Emile, not the New York
Knickerbockers. Please call the
caterer and cancel the beer.
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
The ELEVATOR OPENS for them and they step in. Parker
RUNS LIKE HELL for the door of their suite... it's just
about to close when she SLIDES LIKE PETE ROSE INTO FIRST,
just getting a hand on it.
She lies there on the floor, holding the door and
WHISPERS LOUDLY to Drew.
PARKER
Hurry up!
DREW
No!
PARKER
(beat)
I didn't want to have to do this,
but... look in the mirror behind
you.
ON DREW -- bracing herself, she turns slowly.
CUT TO:
INT. LO BIANCHOS' SUITE - DAY
Practically sewn to Parker, Drew follows her into the
suite, both nervous, tiptoeing.
PARKER
(tentatively)
Housekeeping?
CUT TO:
INT. THE PLAZA - HALLWAY
At the end of the hallway, the PAINTER watches the suite
door close. Hm. What are those girls doing?
INT. LO BIANCHOS' SUITE
It's lavish, yaddada yaddada.
DREW
I can't do this.
PARKER
Drew, you're not a criminal. You
just smell like one. This way.
(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED:
Parker leads her to the big double doors of the master
bedroom and slowly OPENS them.
There, on the bed, is THE EMPEROR, defending champion of
the New York Kennel Club Dog Show. A CHINESE CRESTED
HAIRLESS with his little crown sticking straight up, he
may be the most absurd-looking dog in history. He simply
eyes them. He might even be smiling.
DREW
Oh, no. Oh my god. A... a...
(puzzled)
What the hell is it?
PARKER
A dog?
DREW
I'm itching already. See? Are my
arms red?
Drew backs away -- she's about to break for the door.
PARKER
Key down. I'll take him in the
living room and keep a lookout.
You just get in that shower.
Parker approaches The Emperor.
PARKER
(baby talk)
Hi, little guy. You don't look so
tough, huh? You don't look much
like a dog, actually. More like
Woody Woodpecker.
Happy to give the company, The Emperor practically jumps
into Parker's arms.
PARKER
You're cute, aren't you, in a
freakazoidal kinda way.
She takes him into the living room and moves to the door.
PARKER
Was your daddy a rat? Is that it?
Well, I still like you.
Parker, holding The Emperor, opens the door a crack to
keep a lookout.
41.
PARKER'S POV
The hallway's empty.
But The Emperor, feeling frisky, leaps from her arms into
the hallway, then turns TO face her. Come on. Let's
play!
BACK TO SCENE
PARKER
Come back here, little ratdog.
Come to Mommy Parker.
Parker pulls off a shoe and sticks it in the doorway to
keep it from closing, then, hesitantly, trying not to
spook him into running away from her, she steps into the
hallway.
INT. HALLWAY - THE PLAZA
But sure enough, just as she gets close, he turns and
dashes down the hallway.
PARKER
Bad ratdog!
She chases him down the hallway and then around the
corner where they have to dodge cans of paints, a ladder,
until finally The Emperor slides on some plastic
sheeting, careens into a can of mauve paint and is
COVERED.
Arms reach down, pick him up and Parker looks up to see
the Painter (ROGER) with the now-mauve Emperor in his
arms.
PARKER
(breathless)
Wow. Thank you.
ROGER
Thank you. Bye bye.
No.
He turns and RUNS for the stairwell door marked
EXIT. Parker, completely baffled, finally calls after
him:
PARKER
That's not your dog! Hey!
42.
ANGLE ON THE ELEVATORS AROUND THE CORNER
as they open and the HOUSE SECURITY GUY (Morty) steps
out, looking both ways and spotting one thing awry...
... a shoe holding open the door to the Lo Bianchos'
suite.
CUT TO:
INT. LO BIANCHOS' SUITE - MASTER BATH - DAY
Drew finishes struggling out of the last of her sticky
clothes and gets ONE FOOT IN THE SHOWER WHEN SHE HEARS:
HOUSE SECURITY GUY (O.S.)
Hello? Mrs. Lo Biancho? House
security!
POOR NAKED DREW FREEZES. THE WORLD STOPS SPINNING ON ITS
AXIS. Panicking, she grabs the shower curtain, pulling
it off its hanger and covering herself.
INT. LO BIANCHOS' SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The SECURITY GUY snoops toward the bedroom doors. Just
as he reaches for the handle, the door swings open,
SHADOCK, clocking him and dropping him.
Wrapped in the shower curtain, Drew races across the
living room. Just as she reaches the hallway, Parker's
there, also at a dead run and they don't even break
stride.
INT. THE PLAZA - HALLWAY
DREW
(panicked)
There's a man in there!
PARKER
Somebody took the dog!
They reach the end of the hallway and are TRAPPED.
Only one out. Parker HUFFS OPEN the window to the fire
escape and they climb out...
EXT. PLAZA ALLEY FIRE ESCAPE/ALLEY - DAY
... and scurry down the stairs only to find that THE
LADDER DOESN'T REACH.
(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED:
Parker hangs and then drops onto the top of a DUMPSTER
with one side of the lid still closed, then jumps to the
alley.
PARKER
Hurry up!
But DREW'S FROZEN WITH FEAR and to complicate matters,
she's struggling to keep the curtain wrapped around
herself.
DREW
I'll, uh, go around.
PARKER
Are you out of your mind?! It's
only a little ways! JUMP!
INT. THE PLAZA - HALLWAY
Rubbing his sore head, Morty the Security Guy lumbers
down the hallway.
BEHIND HIM Mr. and Mrs. Lo Biancho get out of the
elevator:
MRS. LO BIANCHO
(peeved)
When competing in a dog show, best
to bring one's dog along, yes?
MR. LO BIANCHO
I thought you had him, dear.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
(holding up her hands)
See? Empty.
But now they both notice the DOOR to their suite is wide
open.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Oh, dear God!
The elderly couple do their version of a panicked run
inside.
MRS. LO BIANCHO (O.S.)
(screeching)
AHHHH!! MY BABY! SOMEONE'S
KIDNAPPED MY BABY!
(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED:
ON MORTY -- making an abrupt halt. Baby?! He turns
around and lopes back to the suite.
MORTY
Mrs. Lo Biancho? I'm Mort
Sestero, hotel security.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Please! Please help!
MORTY
Someone took your baby?
MR. LO BIANCHO
The Emperor is missing.
MORTY
(somewhat relieved)
The Emperor is a dog, right?
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Not 'a' dog, no. THE NEW YORK
KENNEL CLUB CHAMPION AND WHY
AREN'T YOU TRYING TO FIND HIM!
Morty pulls his RADIO as he backs out the door and heads
down the hall.
MORTY
(to radio)
This is Remote One to base, Remote
One to base. Code 12, I repeat,
Code 12.
ANOTHER SECURITY GUY (V.O.)
You goin' to lunch already, Morty?
MORTY
(impatient)
Code 12 isn't lunch, Bruce!
Didn't you read your manual?
ANOTHER SECURITY GUY (V.O.)
(beat)
I will.
MONTY
Call NYPD. We have a dognapping.
ANOTHER SECURITY GUY (V.O.)
A what?
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED:
MORTY
Just call the damn police and
patch me through. The Emperor's
been kidnapped.
ANOTHER SECURITY GUY (V.O.)
Holy cripes, why didn't you say it
was political?!
MORTY
Political? THE EMPEROR IS A DOG,
MORON!
ANOTHER SECURITY GUY (V.O.)
You want me to call NYPD about a dog?
MORTY
(decrying his fate)
I am going to kill you, then fire
you, Bruce. Got it? Kill, fire.
That order.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND THE PLAZA - DAY
Drew's still FROZEN on the fire escape.
DREW
I can't do it!
PARKER
Yes you can!
ANGLE ON THE END OF THE ALLEY
where Roger appears with The Emperor. Surprised to see
the girls, he backpedals, worried he'll be seen, but
they're too wrapped up in their own getaway and he
quietly makes his way to his VAN (painted on the back and
sides: "Michelangelo's Painting: A Masterpiece every
time".
DREW
No I can't!
PARKER
Have fun in prison. Under 'Summer
Internships' on your college
application, you can write
'license plate manufacturing.'
(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED:
Roger's VAN SQUEALS AWAY, drawing Parker's attention.
She glimpses him in his side mirror as he disappears
around the corner into traffic.
Shutting her eyes, Drew drops onto the closed lid of the
dumpster.
DREW
(astonished)
I did it.
Oops, the curtain starts to slip. When she reaches for
it she loses her balance and suddenly -- FWONK --
nosedives into the dumpster. The curtain floats INTO THE
ALLEY at Parker's feet.
DREW (O.S.)
OW!
PARKER
Get out of there!
DREW (O.S.)
(beat)
Give me... my... curtain.
Parker tosses the curtain in and Drew climbs out. They
hurry off down the alley.
IN THE SECOND STORY FIRE ESCAPE WINDOW -- Morty appears.
MORTY
Stop! Bring back that dog!
MORTY'S POV -- The girls near the end of the alley. A
small dog could easily be concealed under that shower
curtain.
ON THE GIRLS -- running full-tilt, Drew turns to Parker.
DREW
He thinks we have the dog!
PARKER
A painter took it!
DREW
A pain --
WHAM! -- Drew's CLOTHESLINED at the intersection by a
BIKE MESSENGER who, in a valiant attempt to avoid her,
brakes so hard he flies off the handlebars and lands
RIGHT ON TOP OF HER.
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED:
It's DREAM GUY from the train and for a confused BEAT
they look into each other's familiar faces where we read
recognition, love, unstated chemistry, then:
DREAM GUY
You know, one of us is gonna get
hurt if we keep doing this.
O.S. SIRENS signal that the police are now involved.
PARKER
Hey, complete stranger! Get off
my sister!
Parker yanks Drew from underneath Dream Guy.
DREW
I'm, uh, late for this place,
thing, where I'm supposed to be.
College. Interview!
DREAM GUY
Where at?
But Parker's got her by the arm and she can only call
back over her shoulder...
DREW
NYU!
... before disappearing into the CROWD on the sidewalk.
DREAM GUY
(too late)
Me, too!
AROUND THE CORNER comes Morty who, without time to react,
trips headfirst over Bike Messenger Guy.
EXT. SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF PLAZA - DAY
The girls weave through the PEDESTRIANS but spot a COP
CAR SCREECHING to a halt in front of them and quickly
take a left into...
EXT. THE OTHER ALLEY ADJACENT THE PLAZA - DAY
Where to now? Thinking fast, Parker pulls on a door --
locked -- the next door SWINGS OPEN as if by divine
providence and two HIGH FASHION MODELS step past them out
while the girls step inside.
48.
INT. RUNWAY SHOW - BACKSTAGE - DAY
Chaos. MODELS, DRESSERS, SYCOPHANTS, "I ONLY DATE
MODELS" GUYS and the famous couture fashion designer,
BOBO, are mid-show and friggin' frantic.
BOBO
(French accent)
Where are they?! No more breaks!
Do you hear me! We have a show to
do, you nitwits! Models! BAH!
You have hollow gourds for heads!
The kind they make those Mexican
rattles out of!
SHOWRUNNER
(always at his elbow)
Maracas.
BOBO
Maracas! Maracas that take coffee
breaks when I am paying them a
FORTUNE!
Bobo spots the girls coming through the back door and
physically grabs them both, pushing them at the
Showrunner.
BOBO
Hair! Makeup!
(Parker)
Daywear!
(Drew)
Clubbing! Vite!
This is when he gets a load of Drew's matted hair,
running makeup and shower curtain and does a double-take.
Hm. Does he like it?
BOBO
(confess)
Is that Helmut Lang?
(recovering himself)
Go!
The Showrunner shoves Drew one way, Parker the other --
Drew looks at her -- what the hell? Parker CLEARLY
MOUTHS: HAIR! MAKEUP! CLOTHES! and TEAMS OF DRESSERS
virtually surround them.
INSIDE THE MOB OF DRESSERS SURROUNDING DREW the HAIR
STYLIST raises his brush and scissors, but PAUSES.
The rest of the team stops, watching him make his
decision. He shrugs.
(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED:
HAIRSTYLIST
Perfection.
He excuses himself and the others begin shoving her into
couture.
CUT TO:
DRESSING TEAM - A MOMENT LATER
And the DRESSING TEAM surrounding Parker parts, revealing
her in a very un-Parker-like, super-chic business suit.
She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and rolls
her eyes. Boring.
The DREW TEAM parts and we are stunned to see they've
chosen to drape her in a show-stopping couture FREAK SHOW
OUTFIT that is some sort of marriage between dominatrix
and nun, complete with a habit and black leather bikini.
ON PARKER who spots Drew and is, for the first time in
the movie, speechless.
DREW
Why does this not surprise me?
THE NEXT MUSIC CUE COMES UP and the SHOWRUNNER grabs
Drew...
DREW
Excuse me, but I'm supposed to be
going to my college interview.
SHOWRUNNER
That's rich. A model going to
college. What next? Talking
monkeys?
... and pushes her through the curtains and...
INT. RUNWAY - DAY
FLASH go a hundred CAMERAS! Blinded, Drew stumbles
forward on a nine-inch spiked heels down the catwalk.
ON THE AUDIENCE -- ALSO SPEECHLESS.
This is when Drew catches sight of herself on a TV
MONITOR at the end of the walk.
(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED:
Her first instinct is to RUN, but suddenly THE AUDIENCE
HAS DECIDED -- IT'S A SMASH! THEY APPLAUD MADLY! BRAVO!
BRAVO!
Drew recovers herself a bit. Wow. They're clapping for
me?
INT. RUNWAY SHOW - BACKSTAGE
Parker's watching through the curtains when she spots
Morty leading two NYPD DETECTIVES (WILLIAMSON AND HOGAN)
through the back door. Uh-oh.
The Showrunner's holding her arm, waiting to throw her
onstage but when Morty turns in her direction, Parker
takes the initiative and...
INT. RUNWAY
... jumps onstage, vamping it down the catwalk like she
was born to it.
Drew's still at the end of the runway, basking in the
APPLAUSE and attempting to negotiate a precarious turn in
her SCARY SPIKED HEELS when Parker approaches her and...
... throws a hand on her hip, thrusts it out -- sexy
executive! and leans into her sister:
PARKER
(whispering)
The hotel guy's here.
The juxtaposition of the TWO POLAR OPPOSITE OUTFITS
draped over twins suddenly throws the audience into
PAROXYSMS OF APPRECIATION for the inspiration of the
artist and they call him out! Bobo! BOBO! AUTEUR!
BRAVA!
Here comes a smiling Bobo, through the curtains, blowing
kisses and heading for the girls.
PARKER
(louder)
And the police.
Bobo presses himself between the girls, taking their
hands and beginning his bows, but the girls spot Morty
peeking from backstage, and they TAKE OFF, leaping off
the front of the stage into the audience like punks
jumping into the mosh pit.
(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:
The ADORING CROWD holds them up and they CROWD SURF
toward the rear of the room.
DREW
Everybody washed their hands,
right?
ANGLE ON MORTY
Spotting the commotion, he and the two cops race down the
catwalk. Realizing he'll never get through the crowd,
he, too, leaps off the stage to surf toward them but...
THE CROWD ABRUPTLY PARTS and he does a complete FACE
PLANT.
HOGAN
I guess that explains why he's a
security guard.
ANGLE ON THE GIRLS
who bust out the back doors of the large room and
unwittingly...
INT. THE PLAZA - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
... right back into The Plaza lobby.
DREW
(realizing)
Perfect.
PARKER
Is this what they call 'returning
to the scene of the crime'?
Unfortunately for them, to get to the front door they
have to pass by...
... the PLAZA MANAGER and the other HOUSE SECURITY AGENT,
BRUCE (butch haircut, bad suit), consoling Mrs. Lo
Biancho.
When MORTY and the COPS come through the doors behind
them, however, there's no choice.
The girls try to look as inconspicuous as possible
heading for the revolving doors but they overhear:
(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED:
PLAZA MANAGER
I assure you, Mr. and Mrs. Lo
Biancho, The Plaza will do
everything in its power to see
that The Emperor is safely
returned and that the criminals
are brought to justice.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Justice?! I want them executed!
Tortured first, slowly, and then
beheaded!
PLAZA MANAGER
The Plaza's policy is of course to
serve you in any capacity we can.
Morty spots the girls across the lobby just as they reach
the revolving doors.
MORTY
(calling)
Bruce! 10-80 at the wagon wheel!
Bruce looks over to Morty like he's speaking Slavic, but
Morty's furiously pointing and Bruce sees...
THE GIRLS break for the revolving doors. Parker gets
there first, plunges in so fast that a MAN ENTERING is
tossed headlong into the lobby.
Drew tries to time the quickly-spinning door but one of
the very high SPIKED HEELS catches, throwing her forward
and sandwiching her in the revolving door.
DREW
(no breath)
Park...
OUTSIDE -- Parker sees Drew caught in the door as Bruce,
Morty and the cops close in. Quickly, Parker pushes the
door back, releasing Drew, who jumps in and swings out.
EXT. THE PLAZA - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Then, Parker HEAVES THE DOOR WITH ALL HER MIGHT, spinning
it so fast the security guys and cops can't jump in.
INT. LOBBY OF THE PLAZA - CONTINUOUS ACTION
The four men all stand there, watching the spinning door.
(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED:
MORTY
Damn it!
Then, just to their right, an ELDERLY WOMAN walks through
the regular door just adjacent the revolving doors. All
four share a sheepish look -- uh, maybe we should have
thought of that -- then BOLT outside.
EXT. THE PLAZA - CONTINUOUS ACTION
The police and security look left, right, across the
street.
BRUCE
Where'd they go?
HOGAN
They couldn't have gone very far.
We'll split up.
(pointing)
You go that way! You take Fifth!
Come on, get on your horse!
Morty and Bruce take the cop's order and race off in
separate directions. Neither Hogan nor his partner
moves.
WILLIAMSON
Coffee?
HOGAN
Sure.
Williamson and Hogan step over to a hot dog cart set up
next to a NEWSPAPER STAND.
WILLIAMSON
(to hot dog vendor)
Two black.
HOGAN
Where do you think those two went?
WILLIAMSON
Beats me. They didn't have any
stupid dog with them from what I
could see.
HOGAN
Might have stashed it.
(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:
WILLIAMSON
Maybe they ate it.
The cops giggle at this.
WILLIAMSON
The rent-a-cop said the mutt's
worth like 50 G's. That makes it
grand theft, my friend. Five to
ten.
ANGLE ON THE NEWS STAND
where a BLIND CASHIER (SPEEDY) smiles at the two
policemen.
HOGAN
(to blind cashier)
Hey, Speedy. You didn't see a
couple of blondes run past here,
did you?
SPEEDY
Yep. Couldn't miss 'em. Real
criminal types. Looked like they
were headed to Mexico.
HOGAN
That's where they all go.
ANOTHER ANGLE
REVEALS Drew and Parker, crouched down behind the counter
right next to Speedy.
WILLIAMSON
See you around.
SPEEDY
Not if I see you first.
The cops head back to The Plaza.
HOGAN
I say we put Abbott and Costello
on the ransom watch. I don't want
to be stuck in the same room all
day with Leona Helmsley's nasty
stepsister.
(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED:
With the Detectives gone, Speedy turns up his nose and
waves the air, fanning away a bad smell.
SPEEDY
Whew. You know, it's not some old
wives' tale about blind people
having an acute sense of smell.
DREW
Sorry.
SPEEDY
So? What did you do with that
dog?
DREW
We didn't steal it, I swear.
PARKER
A painter did.
SPEEDY
You girls best give yourselves up
and tell 'em the story.
DREW
(torn)
He's right, Parker.
PARKER
Of course he's right. We're going
to march in there and give
ourselves up right this minute.
They will, of course, take us down
to the precinct, call Mom and Dad,
we'll give our statement, they'll
grill us under hot lights for a
few hours, force us to confess
with some tricky good cop/bad cop
routine and the next thing you
know we're doing five to ten in
Attica.
Drew checks her watch.
DREW
So we'll turn ourselves in right
after the interview.
SPEEDY
May I make one suggestion?
(CONTINUED)
56.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
Sure.
SPEEDY
Hit the showers before you do
anything else.
A BEEP BEEP indicates Parker's BLACKBERRY is receiving a
message.
DREW
We're facing felony charges,
Parker. Maybe you can do your on-
line flirting later. Better yet,
he can see you during visitor's
hours.
Parker reads the incoming MESSAGE from...
THOREAU 786: HOW'D CHEM TEST GO?
PARKER
(beat; epiphany)
Oh my God. Warren works in the
city.
DREW
Warren? WARREN?! So you lied,
right to my face. No, Drew, this
isn't about the chat room guy.
Nah!
But Parker's typing furiously even as Drew rants on --
she has to lean around Speedy's legs. A GUY buying a
newspaper peers down at the strange sight.
SPEEDY
(to guy)
Take your daughters to work day.
The guy pays for his paper, leaves.
NOTATWIN: WARREN. MY REAL NAME'S PARKER MACLEOD. MY
SISTER AND I NEED A FAVOR.
DREW
Are you listening to me?! Give me
that stupid thing!
Drew reaches for the Blackberry.
(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
Knock it off, Drew! This guy
might be able to help. He lives
here.
DREW
Parker, you have completely lost
your mind if you can be thinking
about boys at a time like this!
THOREAU 786: PARKER. THANKS FOR SHARING. ANYTHING YOU
NEED.
NOTATWIN: BIT OF A JAM IN THE CITY. MOB, POLICE AND
HOTEL SECURITY ON OUR TAIL. COULD USE A HIDEOUT.
THOREAU 786: LOL! ADVENTUROUS TYPE. MEET ME AT WORK?
I'M AT THE U.N.
PARKER
(to Drew)
The United Nations?
DREW
You can't possibly know somebody
who works at the United Nations.
Maybe he meant United Sub
Sandwiches. Or United Skate Rats
Store.
NOTATWIN: UNITED NATIONS?
THOREAU 786: JUST A DAY JOB. JOIN THE 11:00 TOUR.
SOON.
Parker pockets the Blackberry.
PARKER
So. We're going to the United
Nations to use the restroom.
DREW
How convenient. You arrange a
little date while your sister's
future hangs in the balance.
PARKER
Look, he said he'd help and it's
only a couple blocks away. You
got a better idea?
Speedy opens the rear door of the newsstand.
(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED:
SPEEDY
(how's he know?)
Coast's clear.
PARKER
Thank you, Mr. Speedy.
SPEEDY
You're quite welcome. Good luck
in that interview.
Drew SIGHS, then reluctantly follows Parker out.
CUT TO:
INT. MacLEOD HOUSE - CHARLEY'S STUDY
Head thrown back, mouth wide open, still in his bathrobe,
Charley sleeps in the chair directly in front of his
laptop. The SCREENSAVER, an animated version of Jack
Nicholson in THE SHINING, just keeps typing "All work and
no play..."
When the PHONE RINGS it nearly knocks him out of his
chair. He hunts it down through the MAELSTROM on his
desk.
CHARLEY
(to phone)
Wal-Mart?
(beat)
Hey, Marvin. You bet. Typing
away.
He glances at the screensaver, the same words pouring
out.
CHARLEY
(suddenly concerned)
Today?
(beat)
Gee, I'm on a real roll, Marv.
The juices overfloweth, if you get
my meaning. Don't want to plug
the juices when they're
overflowing, right?
(whoa)
How much?
(beat)
Hm. I guess I could carve out
some time.
(CONTINUED)
59.
CONTINUED:
Charley smells his armpit. Ripe. He'll need a quick
shower.
CHARLEY
Got it. See you in the City.
Charley hangs up, punches a key on his computer. The
screensaver disappears and up pops a BLANK PAGE. At the
top: CHAPTER ONE. Nothing else.
CUT TO:
INT. CHARLEY'S '77 FORD PICKUP - DAY
Charley's driving, eating a sandwich and dialing his CELL
PHONE at the same time, veering dangerously and
obliviously across the center stripe. The oncoming CAR
careens out of his way in a blaze of HORN.
CHARLEY
(to phone)
Hello, beautiful Doctor Lady. How
goes your day?
(beat; huh?)
Right next to the magazine rack?
What did they name it, Newsweek?
(beat)
I'm going into the City to meet
some big shot publisher. Maybe
I'll swing by NYU afterwards and
see if I can give Drew a ride
home. You talk to her today?
(beat)
She's probably having too much fun
to call. I'll ring her up. Bye
bye.
He hangs up and of course veers into the other lane
again, correcting wildly before resuming his merry way.
CUT TO:
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - LO BIANCHOS' PRIVATE BOX
Far below, Garden employees set up for the dog show.
Inside, the Lo Bianchos' luxury box is likewise being
prepared. In one corner, Bruce and Morty are fumbling
with the unfamiliar electronic tracing gear, readying for
the ransom call.
Mrs. Lo Biancho turns up her nose at the buffet table.
(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED:
MRS. LO BIANCHO
(to Caterer)
What are those?
CATERER
Rumaki, ma'am.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Rumaki! Yech! You might as well
wrap dog turds in bacon. Take
them away.
A SOCIETY FRIEND of Mrs. Lo Biancho, BABS, arrives to pay
her respects, shuffling her feet across and leaning in to
trade air kisses.
BABS
Andrea, Andrea. How dreadful! I
shudder to think how the poor
Emperor may be suffering.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Dear Babs. I'm at wit's end.
When she turns on Morty and Bruce, they both jump a
little.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
(putting on a show)
You! Tell the thieves I'll pay
anything they want! Anything!
BABS
Of course. What price on a loved
one?
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Precisely!
BABS
I've got to run. That stupid
groomer used a commercial
conditioner on Coco and she looks
like trailer trash.
Babs nabs one of the rumaki on her way out. As soon as
Babs is gone, Mrs. Lo Biancho looms over Morty and Bruce.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
I'll give them ten grand, tops,
but only if the dog's back before
show time.
(CONTINUED)
61.
CONTINUED:
A troubled Bruce isn't having much luck operating the
trace machine.
BRUCE
(aside to Morty;
whispered)
Do you know how to turn this on?
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK IN NEW YORK - DAY
The girls try to be as inconspicuous as possible walking
cross-town in couture, Drew with only one shoe and in a
bad mood.
PARKER
We're going to make it, Drew.
You'll see. There's still plenty
of time. You'll get cleaned up,
we can trade clothes... this is a
nice suit, huh? Right?
DREW
(abrupt)
Yes.
PARKER
You're going to get accepted, then
we can explain the
misunderstanding about the dog to
the police and everything will be
okay.
DREW
Maybe after the police forgive us
for sneaking into someone else's
hotel room, we can ask them to
please keep the mob hit man from
whacking us and dropping us into
the marina so he doesn't get his
suit dirty.
PARKER
First things first.
DREW
Parker, I know you're trying to
cheer me up, but I have to be
honest. This is all your fault.
(CONTINUED)
62.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
(beat)
My fault? MY FAULT?! I didn't
mean for any of this to happen!
DREW
Yeah, right! Like you didn't mean
to ask Bernie Lipscomb to the
prom!
PARKER
What's that supposed to mean?
DREW
I'll bet that was just another
accident of yours that happened to
screw up my life!
PARKER
Bernie Lipscomb?
(dawning)
You...?
Drew didn't want to admit that -- it just slipped out
under pressure.
PARKER
You liked Bernie, too?
DREW
You know I did!
PARKER
No I didn't. I haven't seen you
talk to a guy since we were in
kindergarten and we thought Jerry
Wester was a girl.
DREW
You asked Bernie just to snake him
from me!
PARKER
I did not!
(beat)
Wow, the really spooky thing is,
that would mean we liked the same
guy.
A block away, the United Nations building stands
majestically against the sky.
(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED:
Directly in front of them, however, a POLICE CAR is
stopped at the light with two uniformed POLICEMEN inside.
The girls spot the Police and stop.
The Police look up at the girls through their windshield.
INT. POLICE CAR - DAY
Their on-board FAX is spitting out an APB PHOTO. The
POLICEMAN on the passenger side pulls it off and holds it
up.
ON THE PHOTO -- IT'S DREW STUCK IN THE REVOLVING DOOR OF
THE PLAZA WITH PARKER PULLING HER THROUGH.
POLICEMAN
Isn't that those two right there?
He shows the PHOTO to his PARTNER who's driving.
POLICEMAN #2
I'll be damned.
But when they look up:
POLICEMAN'S POV
-- the girls are gone. They don't take much notice of a
HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE passing them with the DRIVER up
front and TWO TOURISTS kissing in the back.
BACK TO SCENE
POLICEMAN
Where the hell did they go?
As the carriage clops past, however, the Policemen don't
notice the Girls -- both clinging to the back.
POLICEMAN #2
(into radio)
605 to Base. We spotted the
dognapping suspects, corner of 1st
and 49th.
POLICE OPERATOR (V.O.)
(from radio)
Copy that, 605.
CUT TO:
64.
INT. DETECTIVES' CAR - DAY
Hogan and Williamson are eating sandwiches but they've
paused to listen:
POLICE OPERATOR (V.O.)
(from radio)
Car 91, 605 reports suspects
spotted at 1st and 49th.
Hogan picks up the radio while Williamson FIRES UP the
CAR.
HOGAN
(to radio)
605, do you still have visual?
POLICEMAN #2 (V.O.)
Negative. But they can't be far.
They're on foot.
WILLIAMSON
(to Hogan)
That's over by the U.N.
HOGAN
(to radio)
See if you can pick them up.
We're on our way.
Zoom! Williamson blasts crosstown.
CUT TO:
EXT. U.N. PLAZA - DAY
The Horse Carriage passes the usual groups of PROTESTORS
and TOURISTS outside on the U.N. Plaza and...
... the Girls jump off and move into the crowd, headed
for the ENTRANCE where there's a LINE at the door.
DOWN THE BLOCK the Detectives' unmarked car appears and
parks at the curb.
Williamson and Hogan climb out, scanning the crowd.
WILLIAMSON
(pointing)
There they are.
DETECTIVES' POV
-- just a glimpse as they ENTER the building.
65.
BACK TO SCENE
HOGAN
What in the world could they be
doing here?
INT. ENTRANCE TO U.N. - CONTINUOUS ACTION
The Girls pass through the metal detector and move toward
a small group of TOURISTS waiting by the sign that reads:
NEXT TOUR 11:00.
DREW
(re: Warren)
Do you see him?
Parker consults the JPEG PIC on her Blackberry, then
scans the group.
PARKER
No.
At the head of the group, the U.N. TOUR GUARD, geeky in a
Clark Kent way and nice enough looking but definitely not
a male model, leans into a petite BRUNETTE and her LITTLE
SISTER.
TOUR GUIDE
(conspiratorially)
I can't tell you how much I've
looked forward to this.
The Brunette looks at him like he's a serial killer.
BRUNETTE
(in Russian)
Momma?
Her fierce-looking BABUSHKA MOM gets in the Tour Guide's
face.
TOUR GUIDE
Sorry. My mistake.
This is when Drew notices Williamson and Hogan ENTERING
and approaching a U.N. SECURITY GUIDE, flashing their
badges.
DREW
Oh, shit. What now?
PARKER
(out loud)
Warren? Does anyone know Warren
Collier?
(CONTINUED)
66.
CONTINUED:
The Tour Guide, WARREN COLLIER, looks over at them.
WARREN
Parker?
Warren moves back to Drew and Parker.
PARKER
Gee, Warren. Isn't that strange?
I didn't recognize you from your
picture.
WARREN
Yeah, I, uh...
DREW
(urgently)
We don't have time for this now.
PARKER
Do you have an office or someplace
private we could go?
WARREN
I just have to do this tour and...
But Williamson and Hogan, led by the U.N. Security Guy,
ENTER the lobby.
Drew grabs Warren by the arm and turns him.
DREW
We'll get back to that.
WARREN
What's going on?
Parker looks Warren right in the eye. This is a test.
PARKER
It's important.
WARREN
(beat)
Okay. Let me get somebody to
cover for me.
Warren leads them into a small adjoining office...
INT. TOUR GUIDE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION - DAY
... where another TOUR GUIDE is taking a break.
(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED:
WARREN
Hey, Angie, take the 11:00 for me,
will you?
ANGIE (TOUR GUIDE)
No way. Judge Judy's on.
Drew grabs Angie by the collar, lifts her up.
DREW
Angie? Take the 11:00.
ANGIE
(to Warren)
You owe me, Warren.
Angie heads out to take the tour. Parker turns on
Warren.
PARKER
Are you a lying sack, or what?
WARREN
What was I supposed to do? I
liked you. If I'd sent a real
picture, would you have met me?
PARKER
That's not the point.
WARREN
That means no. At least this way
I got to see you before you blow
me off.
DREW
No one is blowing you off, Warren.
As a matter of fact, we're very
happy to see you, aren't we,
Parker?
PARKER
I guess.
DREW
And we're grateful for your help.
PARKER
This is my sister, Drew.
WARREN
Not-a-twin, huh?
(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
That's a joke.
WARREN
Yeah, well. I guess everybody
would like the world to see them a
little bit differently than they
are.
DREW
(quickly interjecting)
Super. Now that that's all
settled, is there a restroom I can
get to without going out there?
WARREN
What's wrong with going out there?
PARKER
Police, for one thing.
WARREN
Police? I thought you guys were
joking.
PARKER
It's the kind of joke that will be
a lot funnier a few years from now.
WARREN
Well that door's the only way out.
There's a restroom at the end of
the main hall.
Parker opens the office door, peeking out.
DREW
They there?
PARKER
I don't see 'em.
ANGLE ON WILLIAMSON AND HOGAN
who Parker can't see because her line of sight is blocked
by the office door.
BACK TO DREW AND WARREN
DREW
They must be searching the
building.
(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED:
WARREN
What'd you guys do, anyway? Mug a
couple supermodels?
DREW
Let's go.
With Warren leading the way, they EXIT the office.
INT. U.N. LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ACTION - DAY
The three make their way across the vast lobby, but
before they reach the main hall...
HOGAN (O.S.)
(spotting them)
Hey! You two! Stop!
WARREN
This way!
Almost instinctively, they go COMPLETELY SEPARATE WAYS,
Warren and Parker breaking left, Drew right.
Drew makes a mad dash down a hallway, makes a turn,
another turn, working her way deeper into the labyrinth.
Even while running frantically, she tries to smile
politely at everyone she passes until she spots a WOMEN'S
room and quickly ditches inside.
INT. U.N. - WOMEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
She hurriedly crosses, enters a stall, locks the door and
puts her feet up. She tries to catch her breath.
GROANS OF PAIN ECHO from the stall next to her.
Somebody's in BAD SHAPE. Another HEART-RENDING GROAN
can't be ignored.
DREW
(to person in stall)
Are you okay?
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
(near fatally
nauseous)
Ohhh... I'm so sick. The mussels
at lunch. You have to help me.
(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED:
DREW
I'm kind of in my own private hell
right now.
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
What's your name?
DREW
Drew.
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
Drew... it's vitally important.
A FILE FOLDER comes skidding from under the stall.
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
Please. You have to take this to
Canada.
DREW
Uh, Canada? It's sort of far away.
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
(struggling)
In the Assembly. Give the file to
Mr. Wakefield, the Canadian
representative.
(GROANNN!!)
Please. I can't... get up.
DREW
You want me to take this to the
Canadian Representative to the
United Nations?
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
Hurry! This is a crisis!
What can she possibly do?
DREW
(confused but...)
Okay.
Drew EXITS the stall and goes to the door.
DREW
Where's the Assembly?
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE
To the left. Run!
Drew peeks out the door. It looks clear. Out she goes.
CUT TO:
71.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MAILROOM
On the run, Warren and Parker ditch through a door marked
MAILROOM. A BEAT LATER, Hogan appears from around the
corner.
INT. MAILROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Vacant and quiet. The DOOR OPENS SLOWLY and Hogan
ENTERS. It's a small room with a few canvas mail sacks
piled in a corner and a wall of mail-sorting cubbies.
An in-house MONITOR mutely broadcasts the now empty
ASSEMBLY ROOM.
Nothing here, Hogan closes the door. IN A BEAT, one of
the mail sacks wriggles and Warren sticks his head up.
WARREN
He's gone.
Parker pops up from the same sack. Face to face, there's
an awkward moment of attraction between them.
WARREN
(no better idea)
You have nice breath.
PARKER
Thank you.
(beat)
Maybe we should get out of this
sack.
CUT TO:
INT. U.N. ASSEMBLY - DAY
Drew peeks in through the door, reading the COUNTRY
IDENTIFICATIONS on the desks... Bangkok, Borneo,
Bulgaria... Canada.
The REPRESENTATIVES are in the middle of a heated DEBATE
that we hear being translated (and we see in subtitles).
CHINESE REP
(Chinese; subtitles)
Impossible! This would be
globally destabilizing!
BULGARIAN REP
(pointing angry finger)
Hah! Posturing and rhetoric!
(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:
The CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE is sitting gingerly in his
chair, shifting uncomfortably. He looks pale, shaky.
Drew commits herself and rushes down the stairs to his
desk with the file.
DREW
(whispering)
Sir?
He puts a hand to his stomach -- he's struggling.
CANADIAN REPRESENTATIVE #2
(ugh; groan)
Yes...
DREW
Oh, no. You didn't have the
mussels at lunch, too, did you?
Even as she holds out the file, he races past her,
puckering his bum.
She watches him waddle up the stairs BUT AS HE EXITS, HE
PASSES WILLIAMSON AND THE U.N. SECURITY GUY IN THE
DOORWAY.
Drew sees them. Uh, oh. The only thing she can do to
make herself inconspicuous is to drop into the Canadian
Rep's chair and turn her back on them like she's one of
the Assembly members. She sits up, shuffles the files
around.
Glancing furtively to either side, she sees that everyone
else is wearing the TRANSLATION EARPHONE. She puts one
on.
ANGLE ON THE DETECTIVE
Williamson's gaze comes to rest on...
... THE BACK OF DREW'S HEAD. Hm. That looks familiar.
This is when the CHINESE REP stands, furious, and points
an accusatory finger at Drew!
CHINESE REP
This crisis falls at the feet of
one nation and one nation only!
CANADA!
ALL EYES TURN TO DREW.
(CONTINUED)
73.
CONTINUED:
CHINESE REP
How do you defend such a position!
The world is waiting to hear!
These are fighting words. The Assembly grows SILENT.
Drew wishes she could BEAM HERSELF somewhere off planet.
She gulps air. Glances left, right.
BUT SHE KNOWS THE DETECTIVE'S EYES ARE ON THE BACK OF HER
HEAD AND SO SHE CLEARS HER THROAT AND:
DREW
Well, I'm not certain...
This furrows some brows.
DREW
(recovering)
... that I NEED to defend our
position!
Ah, yes, some knowing nods.
ON THE NORTH KOREAN REPRESENTATIVE leaning over to confer
with the NORWEGIAN REPRESENTATIVE:
NORTH KOREA
(subtitles)
Is she new?
NORWAY
Beats me.
NORTH KOREA
She's hot.
NORWAY
Weird hairdo.
BACK ON DREW
CHINESE REP
That is absurd!
DREW
Absurd?!
Uhhh... where now? She notices the FILE the Rep in the
bathroom gave her and holds it up, shaking it for
emphasis.
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED:
DREW
(dramatic emphasis)
Not so absurd, since I have the
documents right here in my
possession!
This draws a CHORUS OF MURMURS throughout the hall. The
Chinese Rep suddenly looks terribly worried and pauses to
confer with his ASSOCIATE.
CUT TO:
INT. U.N. - MAILROOM
Parker's peeking through the door, checking the hallway.
PARKER
How are we going to find Drew?
WARREN
Something tells me that won't be
too tough.
Warren points to the MONITOR. Parker's jaw drops. Her
sister is addressing the entire U.N. Assembly.
CUT TO:
INT. U.N. ASSEMBLY - DAY
Drew glances Williamson EXITING.
DREW
And besides, who said absurd is
necessarily bad? Sometimes absurd
is good! For instance, absurd can
be sort of... funny! In conclusion,
I propose that all of you should
talk amongst yourselves.
(quickly)
Thank you.
Like Cinderella at Midnight, she turns and races up the
stairs as the Assembly is in complete turmoil -- KOFI
ANAN BANGS his gavel.
KOFI ANAN
Canada has proposed further
debate.
U.S. REP
The United States of America
seconds the motion!
75.
INT. LOBBY OF THE U.N. ASSEMBLY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Drew busts through the doors just as Warren and Parker
come running with the Detectives chasing them. The three
of them make for the front door but a TOUR GROUP comprised
of a hundred young JAPANESE GIRLS blocks their EXIT.
Warren thinks fast and YELLS IN JAPANESE.
WARREN
Jin zshe miya BRAD PITT!
SCREAMING LIKE BANSHEES, the Japanese Girls all pour
outside, Warren and the Girls following.
EXT. U.N. PLAZA - DAY
Once outside, he YELLS AGAIN.
WARREN
Dingo cashito, BRAD PITT ezukai!
The JAPANESE GIRLS turn around and STORM BACK THROUGH THE
DOORS, blocking Williamson and Hogan's EXIT.
The three of them run for the line of taxis.
PARKER
You speak Japanese?
WARREN
I may not look like an underwear
model, but I'm smarter than a
hundred of them put together.
Warren grabs a Taxi door.
WARREN
Come on!
PARKER
We don't have any money!
WARREN
I'm smart AND rich!
Williamson and Hogan have fought their way out through
the little Japanese Girls.
Realizing they won't reach Parker and Drew in time, they
head for their own unmarked cruiser which is parked just
ahead of...
Bennie's TOWN CAR. He's holding the door for a cigar-
chewing CLIENT but watching the Girls climb into the cab
up ahead.
76.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS ACTION
They jump into the back seat, Warren in the middle.
Parker leans urgently into the DRIVER:
PARKER
Follow that... uh...
DREW
They're following US, Parker!
PARKER
Oh, yeah. JUST GO!
The TAXI pulls away from the curb.
INT. DETECTIVE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Williamson FIRES UP the CRUISER.
WILLIAMSON
Maybe we should give them a little
leash and see what they do with
it.
HOGAN
Fine. But we're gonna have to
stop for lunch pretty soon, 'cause
I'm getting heartburn.
They pull into traffic, following the Cab.
In a BEAT, Bennie's Town Car follows, too.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Parker leans across Warren to Drew.
PARKER
Excuse me, what were you doing?
DREW
Someone was sick in the bathroom
and they asked me to -- hold on, I
don't owe you any explanation.
PARKER
You're the one all 'I gotta get to
this interview or I'm gonna have a
nervous breakdown' and yet you
have time to address the United
Nations?
(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED:
WARREN
You know, technically, you have to
have security clearance to enter
the Assembly.
PARKER
Not now, Warren.
DREW
You have a lot of nerve, Parker.
It was you that got me tossed off
the train! You had to give the
bum that dollar! You get the
suit, I get the leather bikini!
WARREN
(under)
Which isn't so bad.
DREW
And you got Bernie Lipscomb while
I got Scrabble with Mom and Dad!
WARREN
Who's Bernie Lipscomb?
PARKER
I told you, I didn't know you
liked him! It was no big deal!
DREW
It was to me!
PARKER
How could I know? You never tell
me anything!
DREW
There's a good reason for that!
PARKER
What's that supposed to mean?
DREW
You know very well what it means,
Ms. Big Mouth!
PARKER
Big mouth?! Ooh, I hope you miss
that stupid interview!
(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED:
DREW
Oh yeah? Well, the joke's on you,
because there isn't any interview!
Oops. This just slipped out in anger. Parker's brain
has to adjust, then:
PARKER
What?
DREW
(beat)
No interview. I screwed up.
PARKER
You screwed up what?
DREW
Scheduling the interview. You
deaf?
PARKER
You're Drew. Drew doesn't screw
ANYTHING up, let alone scheduling.
You're the Iron Chef of
scheduling.
DREW
I missed the deadline.
PARKER
How?
DREW
After they made the first cut from
the preliminary application, we
were supposed to send in a form to
secure our interview time and I
filled it out and had everything
ready to go in the mailbox and
then...
Drew is near tears.
PARKER
And then what? Earthquake?
Tsunami? Nuclear winter?
DREW
I forgot.
PARKER
Forgot?
(CONTINUED)
79.
CONTINUED:
DREW
Yes. I just forgot. When I found
it in my bag a week later, I'd
missed the deadline.
PARKER
So today? All this? What are you
doing?
DREW
(humiliated)
I... I was going to try to meet
Professor Spaulding and...
PARKER
You were just going to jump him?
WARREN
Sort of a guerilla interview? You
know, I'm a big Michael Moore
fan...
A look from Parker quiets Warren. Drew's choked up. She
just nods, yes.
DREW
I called and the secretary said
there were no exceptions to the
deadline so I was going to try to
see him when he finished the other
interviews. I knew it was
hopeless, but... I was so...
embarrassed.
Drew wipes her tears, then:
DREW
Oh, to hell with it.
She opens the door and jumps out!
PARKER
Drew?! Drew, get back in this
taxi!
Parker starts to open her door on the TRAFFIC SIDE! HONK
HONK! It's nearly SHEARED OFF by a passing truck and she
closes it just in time.
WARREN
She's pretty upset.
(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
Gee, you really are a genius.
As the taxi bogs down in traffic, Drew disappears around
the corner up ahead.
PARKER
Talk about spontaneous.
EXT. BLOCK NORTH OF THE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Tears running, Drew's walking too quickly for the one
stupid shoe. She nearly turns her ankle.
DREW
Darn it! DARN IT DARN IT DARN IT!
This is when she sees, parked just down the block...
ROGER'S VAN with "Michelangelo's Painting" across the
back door.
DREW
That's... that's the painter.
Drew quickly steps into the shadow of a doorway to keep
out of sight and watch the van.
A BLOCK BEHIND THE TAXI --
INT. DETECTIVE'S CAR - SAME TIME
Williamson and Hogan have the same problem with the
traffic and can't see clearly what's going on up ahead.
WILLIAMSON
Did one of them just get out?
HOGAN
I think so. Maybe she's going for
the dog.
WILLIAMSON
Maybe that's what they want us to
think.
HOGAN
So we stay with the taxi?
(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED:
WILLIAMSON
Unless you want to hoof it after
the other one.
HOGAN
We stay with the taxi.
INT. ROGER'S VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Roger dials a cell phone while The Emperor stands on the
passenger seat with his front paws on the dash. As far
as we can tell, he's having a great time being kidnapped
and doesn't mind being mauve.
ROGER
Get in the back, will ya?
The Emperor ignores him, happily watching the streets of
New York go by.
ROGER
Stupid dog.
But his CALL has gone through. He imitates a GIRL'S
VOICE.
ROGER
(as GIRL)
Hello?
CUT TO:
INT. LO BIANCHOS' BOX (MADISON SQUARE GARDEN) -
CONTINUOUS ACTION
Mrs. Lo Biancho calmly answers her cell phone.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Yes?
Morty and Bruce have their tracing gear rigged to her
phone but have to keep following her around the box.
ROGER
(Girl Voice
throughout)
If you want to see your dog alive
again, listen closely. I want a
hundred thousand dollars
transferred into this numbered
Swiss account --
(CONTINUED)
82.
CONTINUED:
MRS. LO BIANCHO
(interrupting)
-- I'll give you ten grand but
only if he's in Madison Square
Garden in...
She looks to her husband, who consults his watch and then
holds up ONE FINGER.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
One hour. Take it or leave it.
Bruce SIGNALS her -- keep him on the line!
MRS. LO BIANCHO
You have one minute to decide.
She hangs up. Bruce and Morty SIGH.
INT. ROGER'S VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Roger looks at the phone. It wasn't supposed to go like
that. He looks at The Emperor.
ROGER
Well, Mr. Fancy Pants. You can
wipe that stupid smile off your
face. I don't think they love you
as much as you think they do.
He glances at his watch. He believes Mrs. Lo Biancho and
is PANICKING.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Parker and Warren are scanning the sidewalk ahead for
Drew.
PARKER
Where'd she go?
WARREN
I think she took a right up there.
PARKER
(to Driver)
Follow my sister.
TAXI DRIVER
I thought we were the ones being
followed.
(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
Stay flexible, will you please?
They turn right.
INT. ROGER'S VAN
He hits redial. Mrs. Lo Biancho answers.
MRS. LO BIANCHO (V.O.)
Yesss?
ROGER
Okay. Here's how we make the --
MRS. LO BIANCHO (V.O.)
(interrupting again)
-- First of all, you forgot to
disguise your voice.
ROGER
(to himself)
Damn it!
MRS. LO BIANCHO (V.O.)
Secondly, my husband will meet you
in ten minutes on the corner of
43rd and Broadway. He'll have the
money. Bring the dog.
ROGER
But that's ridiculous! You'll
just bring the police! No way!
Consider him Kung Pau!
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Fine.
ROGER
Don't hang up!
MRS. LO BIANCHO
The police, it appears, have other
priorities, like humans or
something. And I assure you, the
Hotel Security... people... will
not interfere. In any case,
little man, we just want the dog
back before showtime, do you
understand?
(CONTINUED)
84.
CONTINUED:
ROGER
(beat)
Okay.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Ciao.
She hangs up. Roger does, too.
ROGER
(to The Emperor)
No wonder you look so happy. As
far as you're concerned, you've
escaped from the Wicked Witch of
the West.
EXT. BLOCK NORTH OF THE GARDEN
Drew watches as Roger climbs out, looks up and down the
street, then moves around to the passenger side, grabs
The Emperor and drops him into a gym bag.
AT THE END OF THE BLOCK -- SPECTATORS for the New York
Kennel Club Dog Show have begun filing into the Garden.
Ever wary, Roger carries The Emperor under one arm. The
Emperor pokes his nose out. Roger pushes it back in.
The dog pokes it back out.
ROGER
(to Emperor)
Knock it off.
Whoosh! From behind, DREW GRABS THE EMPEROR and takes
off running.
ROGER
Hey! Give me that dog!
Holding The Emperor at arm's length, Drew makes a run for
it with Roger after her.
ON DREW -- LOOKING RIGHT INTO THE SMILING MAUVE FACE OF
THE EMPEROR.
DREW
I just want you to know that I'm
allergic to you AND cynophobic!
She and Roger race right past...
... Mr. Lo Biancho, holding out the Saks bag of money.
(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED:
MR. LO BIANCHO
Excuse me?
DREW
I can't stop! I have to return
this dog!
ROGER
I'll be right back!
Puzzled, Mr. Lo Biancho falls in line behind Roger,
keeping up pretty well for an old dude with a gut.
ANGLE ON THE END OF THE BLOCK
WHERE PARKER'S TAXI APPEARS.
INT. TAXI - WARREN'S POV THROUGH WINDSHIELD -
CONTINUOUS ACTION
DREW'S RUNNING RIGHT AT THEM DOWN THE SIDEWALK WITH THE
EMPEROR!
WARREN
Uh, isn't that your sister?
PARKER
It can't be. She's terrified of
dogs.
INT. DETECTIVE'S CAR - DAY
They round the corner behind Parker and Warren.
HOGAN
I'm telling you, I got a hunch
these girls don't have anything to
do with this dog.
Drew blows past them, holding The Emperor. The
Detectives exchange glances -- nice hunch -- and they
LEAP OUT OF THE CAR TO JOIN THE CHASE.
INT. BENNIE'S TOWN CAR - DAY
Just as he turns the corner, the PARADE PASSES HIM. What
the hell?
86.
EXT. BLOCK NORTH OF THE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
The Emperor's having the time of his life. He licks
Drew's face joyfully as she weaves through the growing
crowd.
DREW'S DOG-SLOBBERED POV
REVEALS A UNIFORMED POLICEMAN doing security at the
DELIVERY ENTRANCE to the Garden, where SHOW PARTICIPANTS,
wheeling their DOG KENNELS, are being checked in by two
SHOW OFFICIALS.
BACK TO SCENE
Drew draws a bead on THE POLICEMAN, determined to reach
him and hand over The Emperor:
DREW
Officer?! Officer?!
But SHOW OFFICIAL #3 appears from inside, taps the
Policeman on the shoulder -- they need him inside. He
turns and goes through the door just as...
... Drew reaches the loading dock and hustles up the
stairs.
DREW
Officer?!
She sprints past the other SHOW OFFICIALS checking in
CONTESTANTS.
SHOW OFFICIAL #1
Miss! You can't go in without
credentials!
INT. BACKSTAGE (MADISON SQUARE GARDEN DOG SHOW) -
CONTINUOUS ACTION
Drew has entered HER OWN PERSONAL CIRCLE OF HELL -- DOGS
OF EVERY SHAPE AND SIZE SURROUND HER.
DREW
(to no one/everyone)
Where's the Policeman?
A GROOMER combing a HOUND DOG points toward the CURTAINS
on the far side of the room and she blasts off that
direction.
(CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED:
CLOSE ON THE HOUND DOG -- lifting his big nose in the
air, he sniffs mightily and then...
BAYING LIKE HE'S COON HUNTING UNDER A KENTUCKY MOON, the
Hound Dog leaps off his table, heads after Drew.
EXT. LOADING DOCK (MADISON SQUARE GARDEN) - CONTINUOUS
ACTION
CHAOS.
The TWO SHOW OFFICIALS, sporting nifty sweaters and
manicures, are prepared to sacrifice their lives to block
the door. In addition to the PARTICIPANTS trying to get
inside, they're holding off Roger, Mr. Lo Biancho,
Williamson and Hogan.
SHOW OFFICIAL #1
(quite disturbed)
No entry without official
credentials!
MR. LO BIANCHO
I'm Emile Lo Biancho! I demand to
be let in!
WILLIAMSON
NYPD! Move aside!
At the mention of POLICE, Roger's EYES GO WIDE. He
slinks down, losing himself in the crowd and sidles off.
SHOW OFFICIAL #1
(chin set)
I'll have to see identification,
officers.
(to Mr. Lo Biancho)
I'm so sorry, Mr. Lo Biancho. Go
right in.
AT THE CORNER, Parker and Warren keep their distance, not
wanting to be seen by the Detectives.
WARREN
You think she made it?
PARKER
She's faster than she looks.
CUT TO:
88.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
She is -- but now she's not running to catch a policeman,
but to try to keep from being over-taken by...
... A GIANT PACK OF PEDIGREED POOCHES WHO CHASE DREW
ACROSS THE SHOW FLOOR.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - LO BIANCHOS' BOX
The ROAR of the CROWD and the BARKING of the PACK
draw the attention of everyone in the Lo Bianchos'
box.
MORTY
Isn't that The Emperor, ma'am?
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Good God. He's mauve.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
Drew makes it across the floor and out the other side
into a tunnel...
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONCESSION AREA
... appearing in the concession area.
ANGLE ON A SHIH-TZU
as it breaks off, jumps onto a concession stand and
begins looting it.
Drew makes for the EXIT past the TICKET TAKERS who leap
out of the way and just as she reaches the door and
pushes it open...
EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FRONT ENTRANCE -
CONTINUOUS ACTION
THEY CATCH UP TO HER IN A SWARM, KNOCKING HER ONTO THE
SIDEWALK OUTSIDE WHERE SHE DISAPPEARS UNDERNEATH A
MOUNTAIN OF DOGS!
Williamson, Hogan, Morty, Bruce, Mr. and Mrs. Lo Biancho
and quite a few SPECTATORS pour out the doors.
89.
ANGLE DOWN ON DREW
STILL HUGGING THE EMPEROR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK, ALL
OF WHOM GLEEFULLY LICK HER FACE!
DREW
Please! I'll get hives!
(resigned)
Oh, go ahead.
DREW'S POV
The Detectives appear above her.
BACK TO SCENE
She holds up The Emperor.
DREW
I, uh, just wanted to return him.
As the other OWNERS and HANDLERS gather their dogs,
Williamson hands The Emperor off to Mrs. Lo Biancho while
Hogan handcuffs Drew.
MRS. LO BIANCHO
Flog her! Step aside and I'll
whip her myself!
MR. LO BIANCHO
(dead calm)
Didn't you say it was a man who
called, Dear?
MRS. LO BIANCHO
So she had an accomplice! We'll
beat the information out of the
little wench!
(handing him
The Emperor)
Get him cleaned up, Emile.
Williamson and Hogan move Drew toward their car.
DREW
I didn't take her dog, I swear.
WILLIAMSON
We'll sort it out.
(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:
DREW
But I have this interview. I
mean, it's not really an
interview. I'd never lie to the
police...
(it's over)
... never mind.
Just as they push her head down into the car, she
glimpses a vaguely familiar face among the myriad GAWKERS
-- it's the Bike Messenger. For just an instant they
lock eyes before the car pulls away.
DOWN THE STREET
Parker and Warren round the corner at a run, only in time
to watch the Detective's car leave with Drew in the back
window.
WARREN
What now?
PARKER
We have to go to the jail and tell
them what happened.
WARREN
What on earth did happen?
PARKER
Poor Drew. She wanted to get into
that program more than anything in
the world.
With a SIGH, they turn to go and BUMP -- knock into
Bennie, who's staring coldly down at Parker.
BENNIE
You goin' somewhere?
She's paralyzed with fear.
WARREN
(gulp)
Hello, sir.
PARKER
Oh my God! Please don't kill me!
WARREN
Kill?
(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
We don't know anything at all! We
didn't see anything or hear
anything and I'll swear to that in
a court of law!
Bennie appears unmoved. Parker closes her eyes, trying
to meet death with dignity.
PARKER
Just not in the face.
BENNIE
What's the big idea? You two a
couple a nutbags or somethin'?
She opens one eye.
PARKER
Nut bags? No. I mean, yes. Is
there a right answer to that?
See, my sister had this interview
which turned out not to be an
interview, really and I sort of
messed things up because I wanted
to meet him.
Indicating Warren.
WARREN
Really? You came into town just
for me? Wow.
PARKER
Not now, Warren.
(back to Bennie)
Drew was going to be late even
though technically she wasn't
going to be late since there
wasn't an interview and that's
when we got in your car. I
promise we meant to pay. It was a
true emergency.
BENNIE
I meant, why you runnin' when I'm
trying to give you your bag back?
Bennie hands Parker Drew's daybag. Parker takes it,
still trying to comprehend.
PARKER
You were just...?
(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:
BENNIE
I found your mom's number in the
book. She said you needed it
pretty badly for that big
interview. Listen, I gotta go.
It's my mother-in-law's birthday
and I gotta plant some stupid rose
bush and then take her out to
dinner at the Pier. See ya
around.
Bennie waddles over to his Town Car and climbs in.
PARKER
(beat; calling after)
Thank you?
WARREN
Well, he certainly is a good
Samaritan.
Parker looks at the daybag.
WARREN
You guys lead a pretty interesting
life, don't you?
But now Parker's mind is elsewhere. She pulls out Drew's
daybook, opens it.
WARREN
We going to the jail, or what?
I've never been to a jail before.
PARKER
What time is it?
CUT TO:
INT. JAIL BOOKING ROOM - DAY
FLASH! A MUGS HOT is taken of Drew, looking as
bedraggled, beaten and defeated as humanly possible.
CUT TO:
DREW
staring at her INK-STAINED FINGERS as Hogan finishes
fingerprinting her other hand.
(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED:
He hands her a towel to wipe them off. We know that
dirty hands would drive the old Drew crazy. This Drew
merely tosses the towel into the garbage. Who gives a
crap?
CUT TO:
INT. HOLDING CELL - DAY
Drew sits among other FEMALE CRIMINALS, staring zombie-
like.
An INMATE with freaky frazzled red hair and a whacked out
look in her eye sidles over to Drew.
RED (INMATE)
I love your outfit.
DREW
Thank you.
RED
Is it Bobo?
DREW
(how in the world
would this woman
know?)
Yes, as a matter-of-fact, it is.
RED
He's a genius.
OFF Drew's look of complete spiritual resignation we --
CUT TO:
EXT. NYU - DAY
Warren and Parker leap from a cab and hustle across
campus. In only a few strides, Parker's dusting him.
PARKER
Try to keep up, Warren!
WARREN
(calling after her)
Hey! I'm an intellectual! I
never claimed to be athletic!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED:
WARREN (CONT'D)
As a matter of fact, I was excused
from P.E. because of an ascended
testicle!
(realizing)
Too much information, right?
CUT TO:
INT. HOLDING CELL - DAY
Red points at Drew's one shoe.
RED
Do you mind? I'm a fanatic for
Jimmy Choo.
DREW
It's all yours.
She hands the high heel to Red, who enthusiastically
pulls it on and models it.
HOGAN (O.S.)
MacLeod?
Hogan ENTERS, opens the cell door.
HOGAN
You're free to go.
DREW
No thanks. I'll just stay here
with the girls.
HOGAN
An eyewitness says he saw who took
the dog. Didn't realize the guy
was stealing it until he saw us
grab you.
Hogan takes her by the arm in a fatherly way and leads
her out.
INT. JAIL LOBBY - DAY
Hogan leads her into the lobby where Bike Messenger Guy
is waiting. He stands up when he sees Drew. Her
dissonance is even more confounded now.
(CONTINUED)
95.
CONTINUED:
HOGAN
There's your alibi.
DREW
I don't even know him.
HOGAN
That's what he said. Go home.
Get cleaned up, a good night's
sleep. None of this will seem so
bad in the morning.
Hogan leaves them alone. Bike Guy steps over.
BIKE GUY
You okay?
As an answer, Drew merely points to herself -- look at
me? Now answer for yourself.
BIKE GUY
I'm Jim Wessler.
DREW
Thanks, Jim. How'd you know?
JIM (BIKE GUY)
Who could forget that face?
Reminded, Drew puts a hand to her face.
DREW
Huh. No hives.
Suddenly, realizing just how awful she must look, Drew
becomes self-conscious.
DREW
Well... bye.
She walks past him out the door.
JIM
Wait. Where are you going?
EXT. NYPD STATION HOUSE - DAY
Jim catches up to her.
DREW
Thanks for getting me out of jail
but I have to go home now because
my entire life is ruined.
(CONTINUED)
96.
CONTINUED:
JIM
Bad day, huh?
DREW
You turn understatement into an
art.
JIM
Can you just tell me your name?
Please?
DREW
(sigh)
I'm Drew MacLeod. The girl who
won't be going to the NYU
Accelerated Program.
JIM
Why not?
Drew looks at her watch.
DREW
Because short of flying, there's
no way to get from here to NYU in
five minutes.
JIM
Sure there is.
CUT TO:
EXT. NYU ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
Parker's on the stairs with Drew's DAYBOOK open, staring
into it like someone who has a final exam in two minutes
but forgot to show up for the semester.
Warren's looking over her shoulder.
WARREN
Wow. And I thought I was anal.
PARKER
This is no good. I don't do too
well with the whole rehearsal
thing. I'm more of a 'wing it'
person.
Parker checks herself in her reflection in the glass.
Working herself into Drew form, she puts her hair into a
conservative bun and then tries straightening her posture.
(CONTINUED)
97.
CONTINUED:
PARKER
(all business)
How's this look? Drewish?
WARREN
You know, I've always had a thing
for librarians.
PARKER
Warren, honesty is fine. But you
could edit a little, you know?
WARREN
Got it.
PARKER
Wish me luck.
WARREN
Good luck, Drew.
CUT TO:
INT. NYU ADMINISTRATION BUILDING - CLOSE ON A HAND
about to knock on a door that reads "Professor Que
Spaulding, PhD" when the door suddenly opens and the last
INTERVIEWEE steps out in a suit and tie, confidence
oozing.
Parker nods primly as he passes, then steps inside.
INT. OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION - DAY
A SECRETARY sits at her computer. She looks over her
glasses at Parker.
SECRETARY
May I help you?
PARKER
I'm here to see Professor
Spaulding.
SECRETARY
You don't have an appointment.
PARKER
(beat)
Um, no. However...
(CONTINUED)
98.
CONTINUED:
This is when the inner office door swings open and the
PROFESSOR himself, coat over one arm, briefcase in the
other, steps out.
Parker positions herself directly in front of him,
cutting off his EXIT.
PARKER
Professor Spaulding?
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Yes?
PARKER
May I have a moment of your time?
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
I'm sorry, but I have a plane to
catch.
He tries to make a move. Parker blocks him.
PARKER
I know. But this is very
important.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
What is this about?
PARKER
Life and death, if you must know.
The Professor hesitates for just an instant, giving
Parker her opening. She grabs his hand, giving it a
vigorous, Young Republican shake.
PARKER
I'm Drew MacLeod.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Ms. MacLeod, I hope this is
interesting.
PARKER
Trust me.
EXT. NYU CAMPUS - DAY
STUDENTS leisurely make their way between classes.
JIM (O.S.)
Yo! Coming through!
(CONTINUED)
99.
CONTINUED:
The Students dive out of the way as Jim comes barreling
across campus with Drew clinging for life to his
handlebars.
Just outside the Administration Building, Jim hits the
brakes and Drew FLIES OFF THE HANDLEBARS and like the
puppy in the opening, disappears into a shrub.
JIM
You okay?
The old Drew is back. She scrambles out of the
shrub...
DREW
Fine.
... and up the stairs -- then stops, turns.
DREW
Wait right there.
(beat)
I mean, I don't want to be bossy.
You don't have to stay right
there, if you don't want to.
JIM
I'll be right here.
DREW
Great.
She launches herself into the building.
INT. PROFESSOR SPAULDING'S OFFICE - DAY
Parker sits genteelly forward in her chair, legs crossed
just so at the ankles, hands folded in her lap.
PARKER
(primly)
I promise you, though my missing
the deadline seems to suggest
otherwise, my studies would never
suffer on account of my being
unorganized. This was, and I
think anyone who knows me would
vouch for this, a complete
anomaly.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
100.
CONTINUED:
PARKER (CONT'D)
I was so thrown when my sister
asked Bernard to the dance that I
simply failed to post the schedule
request and seeing it already
checked off on my to-do list, I
over-looked it until after the
deadline had passed.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Ms. MacLeod, I recall your
application being one of the
strongest we received. Not seeing
your name on the interview list
surprised me. I assumed, of
course, that you'd changed your
mind.
PARKER
No. Not at all. This program is
my number one priority.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Yes, well, I'm sure you can
appreciate that with so many
applicants for so few spaces there
must be rules to govern the
selection process.
A FUSS from the OUTER OFFICE interrupts them and suddenly
the door bursts open and Drew BURSTS IN:
DREW
Professor Spaulding? I can't
apologize enough for barging in
like this.
The Professor is not only thrown by the interruption, but
by Drew's particularly bizarre, barefoot look.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
No. Please. It looks like I'm
taking the red-eye now anyway.
Drew shuts the door and then is startled when she gets a
face full of Parker, already there.
DREW
Parker?
PARKER
(worried wink)
Hi, Parker.
(CONTINUED)
101.
CONTINUED:
DREW
What are you doing?
PARKER
(don't blow it)
Oh, the Professor and I have had a
wonderful talk about how important
this program is to me and how it
was my sister, Drew, who screwed
things up.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
I'm having a little trouble
following this.
DREW
You were... being me?
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
(to Drew)
Would you like to sit down?
Seeing her plan to help Drew go awry, poor Parker's lip
trembles.
PARKER
When I saw them take you to
jail...
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Jail?
PARKER
... I didn't think you'd make it.
I knew I wouldn't be any good at
it, but I figured at least there
was a chance.
DREW
(beat)
That's... sweet.
PARKER
You're not mad?
DREW
No.
PARKER
I'm so sorry for today.
(CONTINUED)
102.
CONTINUED:
DREW
It's okay. But let's talk about
it later.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Please. Go right ahead.
PARKER
Thank you.
DREW
Parker, consider, just for a
moment, whether this is the
appropriate time and place.
PARKER
Okay, I considered. What I want
to say is, I didn't purposefully
set out to ruin your day, but that
doesn't mean I'm not a little...
jealous.
DREW
Jealous?
PARKER
I'm not like you. I don't have
your intensity, your focus, your...
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Fashion sense?
PARKER
I just mean, maybe, even if I
don't intend to, maybe that
jealousy, you know, gets in the
way sometimes.
DREW
You mean subliminally you're
undermining me?
PARKER
I don't know if I'd get that
technical about it. But yeah.
DREW
Well, thank you for saying that.
PARKER
You're welcome.
(beat)
Aren't you going to confess now?
(CONTINUED)
103.
CONTINUED:
DREW
Confess what?
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
There's got to be something. Like
how you lost your shoes?
PARKER
How you're secretly jealous of me?
DREW
Why would I be jealous of you?
PARKER
Oh, let me see. Because I don't
have a stick up my butt? Because
I know how to have fun? Because
I'm spontaneous and creative and
men are all my love slaves?
Drew stops, ponders this deeply.
DREW
Nope.
Then she smiles, only a teensy bit.
DREW
Well, maybe about the love slaves.
This is the first moment in a long time when the sisters
share a smile. Drew turns to the Professor.
DREW
Professor, I'm Drew MacLeod.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
Are you certain?
DREW
I wanted more than anything in the
world to be a part of your
program. I still do. But I
failed. I didn't follow the
rules. And honestly, before
today, I didn't know how I was
going to live with that. How to
live with failure. I'm not good
at it. I haven't done it much.
But today I realized that I've
lived in fear of it too long.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
104.
CONTINUED:
DREW (CONT'D)
I hope my application was a strong
one and I came here today to ask
your indulgence and to place my
name back into consideration. If
you won't, I'll understand.
Better yet, I'll get over it.
Maybe I shouldn't be in such a
hurry after all. Maybe it would
be best for me to just take
this...
Drew takes her DAYBOOK from Parker and drops it in the
wastebasket.
DREW
... and lighten up.
Parker looks horrified at the sight of Drew's daybook in
the trash and fishes it out.
DREW
Thanks for your time. Sorry if
you missed your plane.
He shakes her hand.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
It was worth it, I assure you.
Now, could you clear up one thing
for me?
DREW/PARKER
Sure.
PROFESSOR SPAULDING
What's this about jail?
CUT TO:
EXT. NYU ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
Warren and Jim sit waiting when the Girls come out,
smiling.
Drew turns to Parker.
DREW
Thanks.
The sisters hug, but we GO...
(CONTINUED)
105.
CONTINUED:
CLOSE ON PARKER -- EYES WIDE.
PARKER
Sis?
DREW
Yeah?
PARKER
Gotta go.
Parker grabs Warren by the hand and blasts around the
corner just as...
Charley MacLeod pulls up in his truck and parks half on,
half off the curb.
He leans over, waving to Drew.
CHARLEY
Hi, baby!
Drew goes over to the truck.
CHARLEY
I was in the city. I tried to
call you. Thought you might want
a ride home.
DREW
Sure.
CHARLEY
(what?)
Is that a new outfit?
DREW
Yeah. Hey, one minute, 'kay?
CHARLEY
Sure.
Drew goes back to Jim.
DREW
Thanks.
JIM
You're welcome.
DREW
I, uh...
(CONTINUED)
106.
CONTINUED:
JIM
You want to maybe... get together?
DREW
First I want to take a shower.
For about a week.
Drew leans over and kisses him on the cheek. Then she
reaches into her bag and pulls out a card.
DREW
Call me, okay?
JIM
You have a card? Aren't you in
high school?
She smiles, shrugs and climbs in her dad's truck. They
pull away, leaving Jim waving. When they're out of
sight, Parker and Warren come back around the corner of
the building.
PARKER
Oh, man. I'm doomed. I'll never
get home before them.
WARREN
Sure you will.
Warren pulls out a CELL PHONE, hits speed dial.
WARREN
Dad? Hey. I need a favor.
INT. HELICOPTER - DAY
Passing over the City, Warren and Parker are strapped in,
headphones on, and have to talk above the DIN.
PARKER
Warren, something tells me you're
spoiled!
WARREN
Yes! But in a good way!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - EVENING
Both girls are putting on makeup, getting ready to go
out. Everything appears the same as before, Drew's side
neat and clean, Parker's a wreck.
(CONTINUED)
107.
CONTINUED:
QUINN
(sternly)
Girls?
Quinn steps in, grimfaced.
QUINN
How naive do you think I am?
The Girls share a look. Busted.
PARKER
We, uh, don't think you're naive,
Mom.
DREW
No. Honestly, it was all an
accident.
Quinn holds out her hand revealing a BELLY RING.
QUINN
I know what this is.
There's almost a palpable sense of relief between the
girls. They BOTH LOOK DOWN and pull up their shirts --
Parker's not the only one who has her naval pierced --
Drew does, too.
QUINN
Parker, I'm disappointed you'd do
something like this without
consulting me, but Drew? What got
into you? Do you know how
unhygienic those places are?
DREW
It was... spontaneous.
QUINN
Yeah. Obviously. Oh, by the
way...
She holds out her other hand, which has an envelope.
QUINN
This came in the mail.
They stare at the envelope -- NYU ADMISSIONS DEPARTMENT.
PARKER
So? Open it.
There's a HONK.
(CONTINUED)
108.
CONTINUED:
CHARLEY (O.S.)
The guys are here!
Parker and Quinn stare at Drew.
PARKER
Come on!
DREW
It doesn't really matter one way
or the other. Maybe I shouldn't
be in such a hurry. Why don't we
go out and have some fun.
Besides, if this isn't good news,
I don't want it to ruin our night.
Parker and Quinn simply continue to stare.
CUT TO:
INT. MacLEOD LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Charley's laying on the couch with some chips on his
stomach watching the game.
Jim and Warren are watching, too.
CHARLEY
So, how'd you two meet the girls?
Jim and Warren share a look. This is a story best left
untold.
JIM/WARREN
(simultaneously)
A dance/A class.
CHARLEY
Dance class, huh? Stupid me. I
figured it had to be that day in
New York when Parker blew off her
chem test and Drew was in jail.
Charley smiles. He's not as out of it as he appears.
Suddenly, all three women SCREAM JOYFULLY O.S.
CHARLEY
(offering)
Chips?
FADE OUT.
THE END
