Men In Black
by
Ed Solomon
EXT. ROAD -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT
A million stars wink in the night desert sky. Down here on earth, an
insect, one of those big, beautiful, multicolored four-winged jobs, glides
effortlessly on the breeze, wafting along through the crisp Texas air.
The insect dips, it banks, it does loop-the-loops -- and then SPLATS
unceremoniously against the windshield of a white van that's tearing down
the road.
INT. VAN -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT
The DRIVER of the van, a fifty-year-old American, turns on the wipers,
smearing the remains all over.
DRIVER
Goddamn bugs.
He squirts some wiper fluid onto the glass, which clears it up a bit, but
now he sees something worse up ahead. It's a grouping of headlights, eight
of them, all pointed at him, sealing off the road.
He bites his lip and calls over his shoulder, to the back of the van. He
speaks in Spanish, which is subtitled.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
Deja me hablar.
(Let me do the talking.)
EXT. ROAD -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT
The van slows to a stop in front of the parked cars, all government-issue
four doors with "INS" stenciled on the sides. Seven or eight INS AGENTS
stand in front of the cars imposingly. Their apparent leader steps forward
and comes to the window.
The DRIVER rolls it down. AGENT JANUS, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, also
government issue, looks at him and sighs.
AGENT JANUS
Well. Nick the Dick. What a surprise. Where
you comin' from?
DRIVER
I was fishing in Cuernavaca.
AGENT JANUS
Sure you were. What do you say we have a
look at your catch?
AT THE BACK OF THE VAN,
the Agents fling open the rear doors, revealing a DOZEN FRIGHTENED
MEXICANS, hopeful immigrants without official permission. Agent Janus
looks at the Driver, who's now held by two other Agents, and shakes his
head.
AGENT JANUS
Me, I woulda thrown 'em back.
(to the passengers, in Spanish)
Vamanos. Fuera. Hagan una lina!
(Let's go. Out. Form a line!)
They pile out of the van. Some are parents with small children.
AGENT JANUS (CONT'D)
What do you get, Nick? Hundred bucks a
head? Two hundred? I hope you saved it all
for your lawyer, pal, 'cause you're gonna
need --
He stops in the middle of his sentence, as another car is approaching,
fast, its engine WHINING as it barrels down the road toward them. Several
Agents pull their weapons.
The new car pulls a hard right, goes off the road, spins around the INS
cars, and SQUEALS to a sideways halt, silhouetted in front of their
headlights. It's a boxy, black 1986 Ford LTD.
TWO MEN get out, dressed in plain black suits, crisp white shirts, simple
black ties, shiny black shoes. KAY, fiftyish, is the apotheosis of
world-weary; his partner, DEE, mid-sixties, is just weary. They approach
the INS agents.
KAY
We'll take it from here.
AGENT JANUS
Who the hell are you?
Kay and Dee flash some form of ID.
KAY
INS Division 6.
AGENT JANUS
Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.
KAY
Really?
Kay and Dee move past him and approach the row of nervous immigrants.
KAY (CONT'D)
What're we thinking, Dee?
DEE
Tough call, Kay.
He walks down the row, studying the faces, greeting each one cheerily in
Spanish.
KAY
!Oye! Que pasa, coma estas? Hey!
(What's up, how are you?)
No se preocupe, abuela. Bienvenida a los
Estados Unidos.
(Don't worry grandma.
Welcome to the United
States.)
(next)
A donde vas? San Antonio? Buscando trabajo,
no? Buena suerta.
(Where are you going? San
Antonio? Looking for
work, aren't you? Good
luck.)
(next)
Es un placer verle aqui.
(It's a pleasure seeing
you here.)
One by one, their faces relax, reassured by Kay's calm demeanor. When he
reaches the fifth Guy, he keeps the same cheery tone, but:
KAY (CONT'D)
Que dices si te rompo la cara?
(What do you say if I
break your face?)
The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a
hand on the Guy's shoulder.
KAY (CONT'D)
No hablas ni una palabra del Espanol,
verdad, amigo?
(You don't speak a word
of Spanish, right, friend?)
Again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee.
KAY (CONT'D)
We got a winner.
(to the others)
Los restos estan libres a irse. Largense!
(The rest of you are free
to go. Scram!)
AGENT JANUS
Sir!
KAY
Tomen el camion, y vayeuse.
(Get on the road and go.)
AGENT JANUS
Sir, you can't just --
KAY
Don't "Sir" me! You have no idea who you're
dealing with!
Silence on the road. The Driver grins, jumps back in the front seat of the
van. The others pile into the rear and they tear out of there.
KAY (CONT'D)
(to Janus)
We're gonna have a little chat with our
friend here. You boys can hit the road ...
and keep on protecting us from dangerous
aliens.
Kay and Dee escort their captive across the road and over a small rise,
leaving the stunned INS agents standing alone in the roadway.
AGENT JANUS
You ever heard of Division 6?
2ND INS AGENT
There is no Division 6.
3RD INS AGENT
Who are those guys?
EXT. DESERT CLEARING - NIGHT
Kay and Dee lead their captive into a clearing in the desert brush. Dee
pulls an enormous handgun from a shoulder holster and stays a pace or two
off, covering him. Kay has an arm draped around the man's shoulders.
KAY
I think you jumped off the bus in the wrong
part of town, amigo. In fact, I'll bet
dollars to pesos that you're not --
He pulls out a small laser device, which he ZIPS neatly down the front of
the man's clothes.
KAY (CONT'D)
-- from anywhere near here.
The man's clothes fall to the ground, revealing what he really is
underneath -- A SCALY SPACE BASTARD, about four-and-a-half feet tall, with
a snouth, snail-like tentacles, and independently moving eyes on stalks at
the top of his head.
The only part of his camouflage not crumpled to the ground is the
humanesque "head," which he still lamely holds in one of his hands. It's
propped up by a stick, like a puppet, and it continues to make expressions
as he holds it.
KAY (CONT'D)
Mikey?! When did they let you out of jail?
MIKEY replies -- an unfathomable combination of GRUNTS, SQUEAKS, and
saliva.
KAY (CONT'D)
Political refugee. Right.
DEE
You know how many treaty articles you've
just violated?
Mikey makes a lame SQUEAK.
KAY
One, my ass. Try seven.
DEE
From unauthorized immigration to failure to
properly inoculate prior to landing.
KAY
(off Mikey's objections)
Okay, that's enough. Hand me your head and
put up your arms.
From behind Mikey, they hear a terrified GASP.
Kay and Dee both look over quickly. One of the alien's eyes, on a tall
stalk, whips around too. All three of them see AGENT JANUS, standing just
over the rise, staring in frozen amazement.
KAY (CONT'D)
Ah, shit.
Agent Janus SCREAMS. Mikey rips free of the rest of the "Mexican"
disguise, knocks Dee out of the way, and takes off straight at Janus,
SCREECHING a horrible Space Bastard screech. Janus freezes, terrified.
KAY (CONT'D)
Dee! Shoot him!
Dee struggles to roll over and change the controls on his gun, which fell
out of his hand as he hit the ground.
KAY (CONT'D)
Dee, for Christ's --
Mikey keeps moving, covering the last few yards to Janus quickly. He steps
on a rock, launches himself into the air, his dripping jaws cranked wide
open --
-- there is a SIZZLING sound, a brilliant white flash --
-- and Mikey ERUPTS in a geyser of blue goo that splatters all over the
ground, the trees, and Agent Janus' face. Behind where Mikey was, Kay
stands, smoking weapon in hand.
EXT. ROAD -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT
On the road, the INS AGENTS pull their guns and run toward the rise.
EXT. DESERT CLEARING -- NIGHT
Kay has an arm around Janus, whom he is leading further into the clearing.
Janus is white, shaking, eyes like silver dollars.
AGENT JANUS
Th -- th -- th --
KAY
(helping)
"That."
AGENT JANUS
That wasn't -- wasn't -- wasn't --
KAY
Human, I know. Oops. Got some entrails on
you.
He takes out a handkerchief and wipes off the Agent's face. As he does,
Janus looks back to where Mikey blew up. Then at Kay. And then up at the
stars.
The other INS Agents burst over the rise, SHOUTING questions.
KAY
Okay, everybody, situation's under control,
calm down. If you'll just give me your
attention for a moment I'll tell you what
happened.
From over the rise, car engines WHINE in the distance and headlights start
to flash around them. Kay reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tubular
metallic device the size of a pocket recorder. He checks his watch,
figures in his head, then dials an electronic counter on the side of the
device up to "08."
KAY (CONT'D)
This is called a "neuralyzer." A gift from
some friends from out of town. The red eye
here isolates and measures the electronic
impulses in your brain. More specifically,
the ones for memory.
Behind him, six more MEN IN BLACK, all wearing black suits and sunglasses,
come over the hill. Kay barks a few orders to them.
KAY (CONT'D)
Gimme a splay burn on the perimeter, please;
holes at 40, 60, and 80.
2ND INS AGENT
What in the hell is going on?!
KAY
Exactly the right question. And the answer
lies right -- here. Pay attention.
JANUS
Who are you, really?
KAY
Really? I'm just a figment of your
imagination.
He holds up the neuralyzer. The Agents peer closely at it. Kay reaches
into his pocket, puts on his own black sunglasses --
-- and pushes a button on the side of the neuralyzer. A BLINDING FLASH a
tenth of a second long sears the Agents' eyeballs. They stare blankly.
KAY (CONT'D)
God, we're a gullible breed.
Behind him, TONGUES OF FIRE blast from a flame thrower held by one of the
Men in Black. Kay looks back at the INS Agents, who are just coming
around, as if awakening from a concussion.
KAY (CONT'D)
I mean it, fellas, you are lucky to be
alive after a blast like that.
The Agents look around, confused.
AGENT JANUS
What -- blast?
Kay gestures behind him, where the Men in Black are now using fire
extinguishers to douse the flames they themselves started.
KAY
Underground gas vein, genius. You guys need
to exercise more caution before discharging
your firearms.
He jabs a finger into Janus' chest.
KAY (CONT'D)
Especially you.
Dee has moved away from them all and is sitting on a rock, staring up at
the night sky, his sunglasses dangling idly from one hand. Kay steps away
from the group and finds him. He sits down next to him.
DEE
I'm sorry. About...back there.
KAY
Happens.
DEE
Didn't used to.
He holds up his hands, which tremble with age.
DEE (CONT'D)
The spirit's willing, Kay, but the rest of
me...
He looks up, at the million stars shining overhead.
DEE (CONT'D)
They're beautiful, aren't they?
KAY
What?
DEE
The stars. We never just -- look. Anymore.
(back to Kay)
I'll tell ya, Kay. I will miss the chase.
Kay pulls his neuralyzer from his pocket and looks down at it.
KAY
No. You won't.
EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION -- SOUTHERN EXPOSURE -- NIGHT
A shot of the clock on the Station's stately southern exposure. WE PAN
DOWN TO...
A pair of feet running. They belong to a man we will know as the
PERPETRATOR. As we track with him, he SPEEDS UP and OUT OF FRAME.
A new set of feet come into frame. These belong to JAMES EDWARDS, a NYC
COP in undercover street clothes. In the BACKGROUND, about ten feet
behind, are two other cops, trying to keep up.
Edwards is a lot faster, though. He pulls out his badge that hangs from a
chain under his shirt.
EDWARDS
Stop! NYPD!
He continues running, out of frame, and we stay on one of the other COPS,
overweight, who gives up the chase and drops to his knees, heaving air.
COP
All yours, Edwards!
The Cop fumbles in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes.
TRACK WITH EDWARDS AND THE PERP
As they run down the bridge that traverses Park Avenue in the low Forties.
The Perp veers to the left and, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it's
a thirty-foot drop, he hurdles the guard rail, and drops to Forty-first
Street below.
EDWARDS is surprised by this maneuver, but doesn't waste a second. He,
too, hurdles the guard rail and lands on...
EXT. 41ST STREET AND PARK AVENUE - NIGHT
A DOUBLE-DECKER BUS, one of those cheesy sightseers that hold up midtown
traffic. The bus, of course, is completely filled with JAPANESE TOURISTS,
and it seems like every single one of them has a video camera.
EDWARDS pushes through the crowd...
EDWARDS
Grand Central Station off to your left,
folks...
With the bus still moving, he scrambles down the circular stairs and runs
out through the side door.
He spots the Perp, sailing east on Forty-first Street.
EDWARDS
Dammit, man, you're making me sweat up my
gear!
Edwards spots one of those New York Post delivery trucks, the kind with
the open back door, rumbling by. He runs and jumps into the back.
EXT. FIFTH AVENUE -- NIGHT
THE PERP, meanwhile, is running at top speed, when Edwards glides into
frame, leaning off the back of the truck.
EDWARDS
Yo, man, your luck just ran out.
He leaps from the back of the moving truck and tackles the Perp.
The Perp, now straddled by Edwards, is terrified.
PERP
He's coming! He's coming!
EDWARDS
And when he gets here, I'll kick his ass
too.
Edwards is about to slap the cuffs on him, when the Perp blinks. Nothing
unusual about that, but then another set of translucent, milky white
eyelids, underneath his regular eyelids, blinks also.
Edwards is thrown for a moment, which is all the time the Perp needs to
pull out...
His WEAPON, which is the strangest looking gun you've ever seen. Reacting
quickly, Edwards bats it out of the Perp's hand.
THE WEAPON smashes into the stone wall surrounding Central Park and
SHATTERS into a million pieces.
EDWARDS
What the...
WHOMP! The Perp kicks him in the nuts, then scrambles to his feet and
takes off again. Edwards staggers after him, in pain.
The Perp leaps over a moving car, towards the GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM. Edwards
tries to follow, but a bus pulls in front of him. After it passes, the
Perp is gone.
EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM -- NIGHT
Edwards runs over to the Museum, leans over the wall that surrounds it,
and in the next instant...
The Perp flies past him, having leapt from twenty feet down to the top of
the Guggenheim. He scrambles up and over the ledge.
Edward reacts. He runs to the front door of the Museum, shoots it open and
runs inside.
He runs from the rotunda up the grand ramp of the Guggenheim.
EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM -- ROOF -- NIGHT
On the roof, the PERP reaches the top, climbs over the edge, and CRUNCHES
to the gravel surface. He leaps to his feet and races over to a door. It's
locked.
He tugs on another. It's locked too. He pulls on a third. It swings open --
-- revealing EDWARDS on the other side, breathing hard. He aims his weapon
at the Perp.
EDWARDS
Wassup?
The Perp SCREAMS inhumanly and panics. He backpedals, toward the edge of
the roof.
PERP
He's coming! He's coming because I failed,
and now he'll kill me too!
EDWARDS
Stop!
PERP
You don't understand. Your world is gonna
end.
But the Perp has backed right into the edge of the roof, and now he starts
to fall over. The Perp blinks.
EDWARDS
What are you?!
The Perp looks down. He decides.
-- and he falls, SCREAMING, to his death.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM -- NIGHT
EDWARDS sits on one side of the table, a POLICE INSPECTOR and a UNIFORMED
SERGEANT (the one who gave up the chase and lit a cigarette earlier), sit
across from him.
INSPECTOR
Perpetrator then blinked two sets of
eyelids. You mean blinked with both eyes?
EDWARDS
No, sir. He blinked once with one set, then
again with another completely different set.
SERGEANT
Sort of a low beam, high beam.
INSPECTOR
Was that before or after he drew the weapon
which you claim evaporated into a million
pieces?
EDWARDS
After, sir.
INSPECTOR
And why do you suppose none of the other
officers saw either of these two events?
EDWARDS
'Cause some of the other officers are a
little soggy in the midsection. And they
couldn't keep up, sir.
SERGEANT
Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I
am --
EDWARDS
What do you mean? I am half the man you are.
SERGEANT
What the hell is your problem?
EDWARDS
My problem is you being all up in my damn
face all the time.
SERGEANT
I think he threw him off the roof. Ten
minutes -- your best shot.
INSPECTOR
(cutting off the Sergeant)
Sergeant. I want to talk to you outside.
Now.
EDWARDS
You need ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you
pudgy bastard.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM -- LATER -- NIGHT
A woman sneaks into the room. DOCTOR LAUREL WEAVER, thirtyish,
dark-haired, dark-eyed, general aura of darkness around her, stands above
him. Laurel looks like she was just dragged out of bed (which she was) and
saw a spaceman (which she did). She looks over her shoulder once, then
whispers to him.
LAUREL
Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner. I
believe you. I opened him up. Find me at
the morgue. On 26th. I'll tell you what I
found.
EDWARDS
Hey...Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
LAUREL
(turning at the door)
You have really pretty eyes.
She hurries to turn the corner, but is STOPPED by someone who remains just
offscreen.
VOICE (O.S.)
Dr. Weaver, from the coroner's office?
Working on the John Doe?
Edwards twists in his chair, to get a better look. All he sees is Laurel,
facing whoever it is in the hallway.
LAUREL
Yes. That's right.
VOICE (O.S.)
Would you look right here, please.
The Someone says something else and Laurel steps forward, now also out of
Edwards's line of vision.
LAUREL (O.S.)
Look where?
Edwards stretches even further in his seat, when there is a blinding FLASH
from the corridor. Really curious now, he starts to get up --
-- when KAY steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Edwards
rolls his eyes.
KAY
Some night, huh?
EDWARDS
Oh, yeah, some night.
He crosses to the door.
KAY
They were gills.
Edwards stops.
KAY
Not eyelids.
EDWARDS
Who are you?
KAY
Did he say anything to you?
EDWARDS
(scoffing)
Yeah, sure. He said the world was coming to
an end.
KAY
Did he say when?
EDWARDS
You're kidding, right?
KAY
Would you recognize his weapon if you saw
it again?
EDWARDS
Absolutely.
KAY
Let's take a ride.
EDWARDS
Wait a minute. I got a ton of paperwork.
KAY
It's all done.
At that point, the INSPECTOR sticks his head in, smiles and gives Edwards
the thumbs up.
INSPECTOR
Good work, Edwards.
Edwards looks at the Inspector, then at Kay. As they leave.
KAY
You ran that guy down on foot? That's tough.
That's double tough.
CUT TO:
INT. FORD LTD - A MOMENT LATER - DRIVING
In a plain, boxy Ford, Kay drives, silent. He raises his hand and nods to
a black MIB truck coming in the opposite direction.Edwards, in the
passenger seat, is still in his undercover outfit.
EDWARDS
So who you with?
Kay says nothing.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
You got the plain clothes, the
government-issued wheels. Secret Service?
CIA?
Kay remains utterly silent.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
(referring to the car)
Yeah, well, whoever it is, you're short on
funding.
KAY
Nothing is what it seems, kid.
EDWARDS
Oh, yeah, my bad '86 Ford LTD. That's a
luxury ride. C'mon, who ya with?
Kay pulls the car to a stop.
KAY
I'm part of a secret organization that
monitors and polices alien activity on earth.
Kay opens the door and gets out of the car. Edwards follows.
EXT. PAWN SHOP - NIGHT
Edwards looks around. Sees they're standing in front of a PAWN SHOP.
EDWARDS
This is where we're going?
They get out of the car.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Jack Jeebs? Guy buys from chain snatchers.
Doesn't even sell guns.
KAY
Really?
EDWARDS
All right, you think it's worth shaking him
up, fine. I'll do my thing. Then I want some
answers.
KAY
Do your "thing," kid. Edwards goes inside.
INT. PAWN SHOP - NIGHT
JACK JEEBS is the sleazy, sarcastic proprietor of the Pawn Shop. He's not
easily intimidated.
JEEBS
Officer Edwards. Oh, hey, geez, how'd these
get here? I thought I turned 'em in to the
proper authorities.
He casually brushes some Rolexes off the counter.
EDWARDS
Way I hear it, Jeebs, you into something a
little hotter than some stolen Rolexes.
JEEBS
Sure -- I'm a big crack dealer now. I just
work here because I love the hours.
This pisses Edwards off. He grabs Jeebs by the collar.
EDWARDS
(getting angry)
I'm talking about guns, Jeebs. High-tech
stuff.
JEEBS
C'mon, Edwards, whatcha see is what I got.
KAY (O.S.)
Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs.
At the sound of Kay's voice, Jeebs suddenly pales, a look of fear coming
over his face.
JEEBS
H-hiya Kay, how are you?
KAY
The imports, Jeebs. Now.
JEEBS
You know I got outta that business a long
time ago, Kay.
KAY
Why do you lie to me? I hate it when you
lie.
He pulls his own gun and aims it at Jeebs' forehead.
JEEBS
Whoa, whoa, Kay, hold on a minute here...
KAY
I'm going to count to three.
Edwards, seeing that Kay is getting somewhere, joins in the routine.
EDWARDS
He'll do it, Jeebs.
KAY
One.
EDWARDS
I've seen him do it.
KAY
Two.
EDWARDS
Talk to me, Jeebs, he's crazy when he's
like this.
JEEBS
He's always crazy.
(to Kay)
Take a cruise. Get a massage --
KAY
Three.
KA-BOOM! Kay blows Jeebs' head off and Jeebs' body collapses to the floor.
Edwards is shocked.
Edwards pulls his own weapon and points it at Kay's head.
EDWARDS
Put down the gun and put your hands on the
counter!
KAY
I warned him.
EDWARDS
Drop the weapon!
KAY
You warned him.
EDWARDS
You are under arrest. You have the right to
remain silent.
KAY
Will you relax?
JEEBS (O.S.)
(irritated)
Don't do that.
Edwards whirls around to see Jeebs' BODY, growing another head. Only takes
four or five seconds. Kay calmly shoves his gun up against Jeebs'
baby-soft new cheek.
JEEBS (CONT'D)
Do you know how much that hurts?
KAY
Show us what you got, Jeebs. Or I'll use up
another one.
Jeebs, panicked, hits a button on the underside of the counter, which
promptly flips over, revealing yet another dusty shelf, piled high with
junk --
-- but this is all alien junk. Weapons, mostly, bizarre, otherworldly
weapons of all shapes and sizes.
KAY
Edwards?
Edwards, still dazed by Jeebs' regrown head, glances down at all the
weapons.
EDWARDS
Uh, this. This is what I saw.
Kay looks at Jeebs, pissed off.
KAY
You sold a carbonizer with implosion capacity
to an unlicensed cephlapoid.
JEEBS
He looked all right to me.
KAY
A carbonizer is an assassin's weapon, Jeebs.
Who was the target?
JEEBS
I don't know.
Kay raises the weapon again, threatening.
KAY
Jeebs!
JEEBS
I don't know!
Kay lowers his gun, gestures to the shelf full of weapons.
KAY
This is all confiscated. All of it. I want
you on the next transport off this rock. Or
I'll shoot you where it doesn't grow back.
Jeebs nods, point taken. Kay leaves.
EDWARDS
Yeah. I'll be by tomorrow for those Rolexes.
Shaken, Edwards follows.
EXT. PAWN SHOP -- NIGHT
Edwards staggers out of the shop, trying to get the day's events straight
in his head.
EDWARDS
The eyelids, fine ... and the jumping thing
... and the gun ... okay, but the head?
KAY
Searching for a handle on the moment here?
A place to file all this.
EDWARDS
See a head doesn't do that, it doesn't just
grow back.
(looking up)
What's going on?
KAY
Can't help you, kid. Only comfort I can
offer is that tomorrow, you won't remember
a thing.
EDWARDS
Oh, no. This I'm gonna remember for a long,
long time.
Kay pulls the neuralyzer from his pocket. He hesitates for the briefest of
moments -- as if this particular neuralyzation is different than all the
others.
Then he puts on his sunglasses.
KAY
Ever see one of these?
CUT TO:
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
-- the flash dims on EDWARDS and KAY, sitting at a table in a Chinese
restaurant.
KAY
(finishing a joke)
-- and the wife says yeah, Harry, I know,
but this one's eating my popcorn!
He busts out laughing. Edwards, across from him, is completely
disoriented. He looks down. There's a half-eaten order of broccoli beef
and several empty bottles of beer on the table in front of him.
EDWARDS
Huh?
Kay checks his watch.
KAY
Whoops. Gotta run. Thanks for the egg rolls.
EDWARDS
Where am I?
KAY
See what I mean about tequila? You're a
bright young man, James. Just lay off the
sauce. I'll see you tomorrow, nine a.m.
sharp.
He turns and walks out. Edwards checks his watch. A WAITRESS appears.
WAITRESS
Another beer?
EDWARDS
Coffee. Please.
She walks off. Edwards looks at the table. There is a business card lying
next to his plate, on which Kay has handwritten "James D. Edwards,
Saturday, 9 a.m., 504 Battery Drive."
Edwards looks at it, puzzled. He turns the card over and looks at the
other side. There's not much there, no name, no phone or fax number, no
e-mail address. Just three little letters, dead in the middle of the card:
MIB
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
A lonely farmhouse stands amid the fields of upstate New York farm
country. Several lights are on and through a window we can see the
silhouette of a MAN sitting at the kitchen table, the silhouette of a
WOMAN hovering over him, bringing things to him.
The Man (EDGAR) waves his arms, ranting.
EDGAR (O.S.)
I go out, I work my butt off to make a
living, all I want is to come home to a
nice clean house with a nice fat steak on
the table, but instead I get this -- this
-- I don't even know what you call this!
In the sky above, it's one of those brilliant star fields. But something
strange is happening with one of those stars -- it's getting bigger.
EDGAR (O.S.)
I'll tell you what it looks like, it looks
like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm
eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't
it?!
No, that star isn't getting bigger, it's moving. Toward us. Fast. It goes
from a pinpoint to a dime, to a nickel, to a quarter, and works its way
into fruit metaphors.
EDGAR (O.S.)
I swear to God, I would not be surprised if
it was, the way you skulk around here like
a dog been hit too much -- or ain't been
hit enough, I can't make up my mind.
Okay, we're way past watermelon now, that thing is huge, and it's starting
to glow hot red as it enters the earth's atmosphere, headed straight
toward us, coming here, to Beatrice and Edgar's place.
The blazing fireball barrels through the sky, SNAPS off a couple trees --
EDGAR (O.S.)
You're useless, Beatrice! The only thing
that pulls its weight around here is my
goddamn truck!
-- and SLAMS right through a pickup truck parked in the driveway. A
concussive BLAST follows, then a geyser of smoke and flame erupts.
EDGAR (O.S.)
Stay here!
The silhouette of Edgar leaps to its feet, races to the door, and throws
it open. Edgar is everything his voice led us to expect -- a nasty,
bug-eyed redneck carrying a twelve-gauge shotgun. His mouth agape, he
walks across the yard and stares at the hulking shell that was his truck.
The skeleton of the truck is still there, but there's a huge, smoldering
hole in it, a hole that goes at least ten feet down into the ground.
EDGAR
Figures.
He walks to the truck and touches the door handle. Hot. Using his shirt
tail, he opens the door and peers down into the hole.
IN THE HOLE, he sees a smooth curve of metal and a few blinking lights.
Embedded into the ground is, indeed, a spaceship, maybe eight feet across.
BEATRICE calls from behind him, standing in the doorway fearfully.
BEATRICE
What is it, Edgar?!
EDGAR
(turns to her)
Get your big butt back in that house!
Beatrice does as she's told, closing the door behind her. Edgar turns back
to the smoldering rock, raising his shotgun in defense. AN OTHERWORLDLY
VOICE comes from deep in the hole.
VOICE (O.S.)
Place projectile weapon on ground.
Edgar staggers back a step, terrified. But then he regains himself, raises
the weapon, and steps forward, pointing it menacingly down into the hole.
EDGAR
You can have my gun when you pry it from my
cold, dead fingers!
There is a pause while the voice thinks about this offer. Finally, it
responds, in a voice and cadence remarkably similar to Edgar's.
VOICE (O.S.)
Your proposal is acceptable.
A long, hairy pincer flashes out of the hole, grabs Edgar by the head, and
pulls him down into the hole.
From deep in the hole, we hear a terrible RIPPING sound, like a bedsheet
being torn in half. There are some disgusting GUSHY sounds, then a moment
later, something flies out of the hole and FLOPS onto the ground next to
the truck.
It's Edgar. Well, sort of. His body parts still hang together -- face,
arms, legs, even clothes -- but everything inside has been removed and now
he just lies there, flat and empty, like a tuxedo on the floor after the
prom.
The shotgun flies out and lands beside him.
CUT TO:
INT. FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
BEATRICE sits at the kitchen table, terrified, still wiping away tears
from Edgar's diatribe. The door opens and EDGAR comes back into the
kitchen, seemingly fleshed out again, leaving the door hanging open behind
him. He carries the shotgun.
She looks up at him, anxious. But his face is a blank.
BEATRICE
What on earth was it?!
He looks at her strangely. When he speaks, his voice is different than
before. More refined.
EDGAR
Sugar.
Pause. She looks out the window, at the smoking truck.
BEATRICE
I've never seen sugar do that.
EDGAR
Give me sugar.
Puzzled, Beatrice gets up, goes to the cabinet, and grabs a bag of sugar.
She holds it out to him.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
In water.
Frightened, she takes a glass of water from the table. She dumps some of
the sugar into it.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
More.
She puts more, till the glass is brimming. She stirs it quickly with a
knife and hands it to him, her hand trembling.
Edgar takes it and downs it in a single gulp. Beatrice stares at Edgar, no
idea what to think. She notices something odd about the skin on his neck.
BEATRICE
Edgar, your skin! It's -- it's -- just
hanging off your bones!
Edgar drops the glass and looks in a window, to catch his reflection. He
reaches up --
-- and twists his whole face, as if adjusting a ski mask, then tucks the
skin of his neck back into his shirt collar. He looks at her.
EDGAR
That better?
Beatrice faints.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Stillness. Silence. A loud SCRAPING sound comes from the pit left by the
spaceship.
The nose of the ship itself rises up out of the pit, wavers, keeps moving,
and finally CRUNCHES to the ground outside the pit.
EDGAR climbs out of the pit, breathing heavily. He dusts himself off and
continues pushing the ship, along the ground, off into the darkness.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING - DAY
The next morning. EDWARDS, holding the small MIB business card in his
hand, compares the address written down by Kay to the address on the
utterly nondescript building in front of him. It's seven stories high,
gray, windowless, perfectly square, squatting on a bridge over a road like
a fat guy on the john.
"504 Battery Drive."
INT. MIB BUILDING - TUNNEL VENT ROOM - DAY
EDWARDS steps through a heavily barred metal door and into long, bizarre
room. One wall is entirely dominated by the enormous blades of a tunnel
vent air intake. There is an elevator at the far end of the room and an
OLD SECURITY GUARD, the rent-a-cop kind, reading a comic book on a folding
metal chair halfway across.
Edwards walks across the room, his footsteps ECHOING. The Guard looks up.
GUARD
Help you?
EDWARDS
Maybe, I'm not sure, see, I got this card --
GUARD
Elevator. Push the "call" button.
And he goes back to his comic book. Edwards, maybe out of nothing more
than curiosity at this point, walks across the room, toward the elevator.
As he draws close, the elevator doors WHOOSH open, expecting him.
INT. MIB BUILDING - ENTRANCE ELEVATOR - DAY
Edwards steps inside and turns around. The doors close. He pushes the
"call" button and waits, but the elevator doesn't move. Instead, doors on
the other side of the elevator slide open silently behind him. Edwards
waits, unaware.
From behind him, somebody clears their throat. Edwards turns around, and
finds himself standing in --
INT. MIB BUILDING - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
This back room is every bit as mysterious and unfamiliar as the entryway.
Standing at the front of the room is ZED, a wire-haired career G-man, an
old school bureaucrat, wearing the exact same kind of suit Kay had on last
night. SIX OTHER HOT RECRUITS sit in egg-shaped chairs, staring at
Edwards.
One chair is empty.
ZED
You're late. Sit down.
Edwards takes the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed
continues addressing the Recruits.
ZED (CONT'D)
My name is Zed. You're all here because
you're the best of the best. Marines, Navy
SEALS, Army Rangers...NYPD.
They all turn and regard Edwards a little smugly. He gives it back.
ZED (CONT'D)
And we're looking for one of you. Just one.
What will follow is a series of simple
tests designed to quantify motor skills,
hand-eye coordination, concentration,
stamina -- I see we have a question.
Edwards's hand is, indeed, up.
EDWARDS
Why, uh -- I'm sorry, it's just no one
really asked this, but -- why, exactly, are
we doing this?
Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls
on him.
ZED
Son?
AMBITIOUS RECRUIT
(loud and formal)
Jake Jensen, West Point, graduate with
honors. We're here because you're looking
for the best of the best of the best, sir!
Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't.
ZED
What's so funny, Edwards?
EDWARDS
I -- I don't know, sir. This guy. "Best of
the best of the best of the best of the --"
(realizing nobody is with
him on this)
It just struck me as --
(totally serious)
Humorous. Sir.
Short pause. Then Zed continues.
ZED
Okay. Let's get going.
INT. MIB BUILDING - INTERVIEW ROOM - LATER - DAY
The recruits scribble away at the written test. It's a thick document --
reasoning skills, general knowledge, diagrams. The RECRUITS seem to be
really powering through it, filling in answer after answer.
But no desks have been provided for them, and they're all still in their
chairs, writing uncomfortably on their thighs or knees.
EDWARDS is really struggling. He writes two words on one answer, then
decides to erase it. The lack of a writing surface is driving him crazy;
his pencil even TEARS through the page.
He looks up. In the middle of the tile floor, there is an unused table.
Edwards gets up, goes to it, grabs hold --
-- and drags it, SCREECHING DEAFENINGLY, back to his chair. Everybody
looks up, wincing at the horrible sound that fills the room.
Edwards sits back down, now writing on the table. That's better.
Zed raises an eyebrow. He stares at Edwards, then looks up, toward a
smoked glass window. Behind the dark glass, a FIGURE stands, staring,
unemotional.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING -- SHOOTING GALLERY -- DAY
SEVEN WEAPONS rest on a table in the middle of an otherwise empty,
triangular room. The SEVEN RECRUITS stand in front of the table.
There's an odd moment -- where everyone sort of looks around: at each
other, at the blank walls...
EDWARDS
Anyone, uh...any of you guys know what we're
doing here?
MARINE
(clipped, unquestioning)
Looking for the best of the best of the best.
EDWARDS
(can't help but smile)
Well, yeah, I know, but...
And then .. suddenly --
The two far walls pull apart. The whole room pulsates and the air is
suddenly filled with a bewildering swirl of stroboscopic images, both
human and alien. Everywhere is color, light and movement -- a holographic
mass of strange shapes and characters moving simultaneously.
The Recruits lunge for the weapons, snapping them up and taking aim. SIX
SHOTS are fired at once. And then, a second later, a SEVENTH SHOT is
fired. Everyone sort of looks at Edwards, who puts his gun down last.
There's an awkward silence. Then the door opens. Light pours in, and ZED
with it. Even the highly competitive cadets can't help but feel some
sympathy as Zed walks straight to Edwards.
ZED
The hell happened?
EDWARDS
Hesitated, sir.
Zed looks into the gallery. Most obvious in the frozen tableau of
creatures is a lunging, snarling beast, which has three bullet holes in
its chest. Next to it is a massively deformed humanoid creature with a
large hook for a head, which also has three holes in it. In the back
corner of the gallery, there is a single bullet hole in a pretty
eight-year-old girl.
ZED
May I ask why you felt little Tiffany
deserved to die?
EDWARDS
She was the only one who actually seemed
dangerous. At the time.
ZED
And how did you come to that conclusion?
EDWARDS
Hook-head guy. You explain to me how he can
think with a hook for a head. Answer; it's
not his head. His head is that butt-ugly
bean-bag thing over there. 'Cause if you
look at the snarling beast-guy, he's not
snarling, he's sneezing -- he's got tissues
in his hand. No threat there, and anyhow,
the girl's books were way too advanced for
an eight-year-old's. And besides, from
where I'm looking, she was the only one who
appeared to have a motive. And I don't
appreciate your jumping down my throat about
it.
Sideways glances from the other recruits. Zed sighs.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Or, uh -- do I owe her an apology?
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING - OBSERVATION ROOM/INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
ZED and KAY stand behind smoked glass, staring at the RECRUITS, who are
still in the shooting gallery, waiting for a decision.
ZED
He's got a real problem with authority.
KAY
So do I. The guy ran down a cephlapoid, Zed.
On foot. Tenacity. That I can use.
ZED
I hope you know what you're doing.
Zed turns and walks away. Kay stares through the glass, at EDWARDS, who
stands alone on one side of the room, apart from the rest of the group.
Zed reappears on the other side of the glass, coming through a door and
into the shooting gallery. As he talks, Kay turns and walks off.
ZED (CONT'D)
Congratulations, you're everything we've
come to expect from years of government
training. Now, if you'll just follow me, we
have one more test to administer, an eye
exam.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY
The RECRUITS follow ZED out of the shooting gallery and into a long
hallway. Zed motions them off to the left. EDWARDS is the last one out of
the room, but he stops as he steps into the hallway.
KAY is outside the door, waiting for him. Edwards recognizes him from last
night.
EDWARDS
You! Hey, what's goin' on?
The other recruits continue down the hall with Zed. Kay doesn't answer,
just gestures to Edwards to follow him down the hall, which he does.
KAY
Back in the mid-fifties, the government
started a little underfunded agency with
the simple and laughable purpose of making
contact with a race not of this planet.
As they pass an alcove, Edwards notices the six other Recruits, who have
been herded into a corner. Zed, addressing them, pulls a neuralyzer from
his pocket.
ZED
Now, if you'll look directly at the end of
this device.
He holds a neuralyzer up in front of them, and the Recruits stare
obediently at it as Zed slips on a pair of black sunglasses.
Edwards stares, fascinated, but Kay's hand reaches in and yanks him away,
just as Zed's neuralyzer FLASHES WHITE.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY
As KAY leads EDWARDS down an impossibly long corridor, he hands him a file
folder stuffed thick with eight by ten photographs.
He hands Jay the first picture, a shot of eight or nine MEN in plain black
suits standing around a fifties-style office with metal desks and
fluorescent lights. DEE and ZED are there, much younger.
KAY
Everybody thought the agency was a joke.
Except the aliens. They made contact on
March 2nd, 1961, outside New York City.
Another photograph, a grainy black and white image of two ships hovering
in the night sky -- classic flying saucer shapes.
KAY (CONT'D)
There were nine of us that night. Seven
agents. An amateur astronomer. And one poor
kid who got lost on the wrong back road.
Yet another photograph, this one showing a young KAY, in a shirt and tie,
holding a bouquet of flowers, staring at the open door of the landed
flying saucer. ALIEN SHAPES are visible within.
EDWARDS
You brought the aliens flowers?
Kay steers Edwards to the right, down another corridor, just as long as
the first.
KAY
They were intergalactic refugees with a
simple request. Let us use the earth as an
apolitical zone for people without a
planet. Ever see "Casablanca?" Same thing,
no Nazis. We agreed. So we masked all
evidence of their landing.
Another picture, this one of the 1964 World's Fair grounds, still under
construction. Giant models of rockets mark the Fair's theme of space
travel; most prominent in the construction are two tall towers, with the
flying saucers now mounted at the top of each.
EDWARDS
The 1964 World's Fair was a coverup?
KAY
Why else would we hold it in Queens?
(another hallway)
Now left. More nonhumans arrive every year.
They live among us, in secret.
EDWARDS
I see. Not to change the subject, but when
was your last cat-scan?
KAY
Every six months; it's company policy.
EDWARDS
Well, thanks for the very amusing morning,
but I'm hopin' you'll show me where I came
in? 'Cause this is where I go out.
They have stopped next to an unmarked door. Kay throws it open and steps
inside.
KAY
Yeah, sure, hang on, I wanna grab a coffee
while we're right here.
As Kay walks into the kitchenette, Edwards' jaw drops, his eyes widen, and
he stares in wonderment --
-- at THREE WORM-LIKE ALIENS standing around a water cooler. Tall,
impossibly thin, most certainly not from New York, the aliens hold an
animated conversation in a language that seems like a combination of
Esperanto and microphone feedback.
KAY (CONT'D)
(to the aliens)
Don't tell me we've only got that powdered
shit for cream again?
One of the Worm Aliens answers him in their native tongue and points to
the counter.
KAY (CONT'D)
Oh.
He finds the cream sitting out on the counter where the alien indicated,
dumps some in his coffee, and comes back outside, closing the door behind
him. He reaches up and gently pushes Edwards' jaw up, closing his mouth.
KAY (CONT'D)
For future reference, this is a better look
for you.
CUT TO:
EXT. BATTERY PARK - DAY
EDWARDS, thrown for a major loop, sits like a zombie alongside KAY on a
bench in Battery Park. Kay drinks his coffee while they talk.
KAY
Any given time, around fifteen hundred
landed aliens are on the planet, the
majority right here in Manhattan. Most
aliens are decent enough, just trying to
make a living.
EDWARDS
Cab drivers?
KAY
Not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the
most part, don't have a clue. Don't want
one, either. They're happy. They think
they've got a pretty good bead on things.
EDWARDS
Why the big secret? People are smart, they
can handle it.
KAY
A person is smart. People are dumb.
Everything they've ever "known" has been
proven to be wrong. A thousand years ago
everybody knew as a fact, that the earth
was the center of the universe. Five
hundred years ago, they knew it was flat.
Fifteen minutes ago, you knew we humans
were alone on it. Imagine what you'll know
tomorrow.
EDWARDS
So what's the catch?
KAY
What you'll gain in perspective, you'll
lose in ways you're too young to comprehend.
You give up everything. Sever every human
contact. No one will know you exist. Ever.
EDWARDS
Nobody?
KAY
You're not even allowed a favorite shirt.
There. That's the speech I never heard.
That's the choice I never got.
EDWARDS
Hold up. You track me down, put me through
those stupid-ass tests, now you're trying
to talk me out of it. I don't get it.
KAY
You got 'til sun-up.
EDWARDS
Is it worth it?
KAY
You find out, you let me know.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BATTERY PARK - DUSK
Almost nighttime now, and the park is empty. EDWARDS is still on the
bench. And still thinking. Above him, the stars are coming out.
Slowly, he looks up, into the vastness of the heavens.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY
The next morning. A door opens on a garage and an ORKIN MAN steps inside,
carrying a tank of toxic gas. The morning light spills on an abundance of
spiders, crawling everywhere -- big ones, small ones, hundreds of them
have moved in and taken over this dusty place.
The Orkin Man sighs and sets down his tank.
ORKIN MAN
Well, well, well. Movin' right in, are we?
Think we own the place?
He unfurls a hose from the side of the tank.
ORKIN MAN (CONT'D)
Got a little eviction notice for you, boys.
He raises a mask to his face and unscrews the handle on the top of the
tank. LETHAL GAS starts to HISS from the end of the hose.
VOICE (O.S.)
Just what exactly do you think you're doing?
The Orkin Man turns around. EDGAR stands in the doorway to the garage,
staring at him disdainfully.
ORKIN MAN
(shrugs)
Takin' care of your pest problem.
EDGAR
"Pest" problem? "Pest?"
ORKIN MAN
Yeah. You got a hell of an infestation.
Edgar advances on him, slowly.
EDGAR
You know, I have noticed an infestation
here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing
but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious
pond scum. So convinced of their own
superiority as they scurry about their
short, pointless lives.
ORKIN MAN
Well -- yeah. Don't you want to get rid of
'em?
EDGAR
In the worst way.
Edgar lashes out quickly, jerking the mask off the Orkin Man's face with
one hand --
-- and shoving the gas hose down his throat with the other.
THE ORKIN MAN'S CAR KEYS drop to the garage floor, and Edgar picks them
up.
EXT. GARAGE - DAY
A six-by-ten sheet of plywood THUDS to the driveway outside the garage.
EDGAR raises one end of it so it's hanging off the back end of the Orkin
man's van -- now it's a ramp.
He walks off and we hear that familiar SCRAPING sound again. Edgar,
GRUNTING with the effort, slowly pushes his spaceship up the ramp and into
the back of the Orkin truck.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING - TUNNEL VENT ROOM - DAY
EDWARDS stands in the middle of the tunnel vent room, the same one he
first came into yesterday. The elevator doors open and KAY, obviously
summoned by the OLD SECURITY GUARD, stands waiting for him.
EDWARDS
One thing you gotta know right now.
Edwards walks briskly forward and gets in the elevator with Kay.
INT. MIB BUILDING - ELEVATOR - DAY
Inside the elevator, the doors WHOOSH shut, KAY turns a key in a certain
floor number, and the descent begins. EDWARDS continues.
EDWARDS
All right. I'm in because there's some
next-level shit going on around here, and
I'm with that. Before you beam me up, there
are a couple of things we need to get
straight. You chose me 'cause you recognize
the skills. So as of now you can cease with
all of that calling me "son" or "kid" or
"sport." Cool?
KAY
Cool, slick. Now about those skills of yours,
The elevator doors --
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY
-- slide open on Men in Black headquarters.
KAY
As of this moment, they don't mean much.
It's unlike anything we've ever seen -- huge, multileveled, of sixties
design, polished steel and glass. The workplaces are sleek and
uncluttered, manned by both HUMANS and ALIENS. Most of the Aliens stay in
the background, like the UPSIDE-DOWN GUY who walks on the ceiling,
shuffling papers.
KAY and EDWARDS step off the elevator and onto a platform that looks out
over the whole place.
Kay leads him down into the complex. First, they walk past a sort of
passport control center, where a human BUREAUCRAT at a desk is checking
the documents of a line of ALIENS who've just arrived. There are a dozen
bizarre life forms in that line, CHATTING in half a dozen different alien
tongues.
Edwards slows as they pass, listening to the PASSPORT CONTROL OFFICER as
he addresses an ARQUILLIAN, a large, humanoid visitor.
PASSPORT OFFICER
Purpose of trip?
ARQUILLIAN
Diplomatic mission.
PASSPORT OFFICER
Duration of stay?
ARQUILLIAN
Lunch.
PASSPORT OFFICER
Carrying any fruits or vegetables?
Edwards just stares, fascinated, but Kay grabs him by the arm and hurries
him along.
KAY
Let's go. He's a little...grouchy.
Kay moves him into the central hall.
KAY
A couple of hours wait after a 17-light-year
flight would get on anybody's nerves.
EDWARDS
What branch of the government do we report
to?
KAY
None. They started asking too many questions.
EDWARDS
So who pays for all this?
KAY
Oh, we hold a few patents on gadgets we
confiscated from our out-of-state visitors.
Velcro. Microwave Ovens. Liposuction.
AT A STORAGE CAGE, Kay turns a key in the lock of a caged-in area and
throws the door open. Inside, there are piles of sophisticated-looking
devices stacked on shelves and tabletops.
KAY
(picking something up)
Here. A new recording device to replace
CD's. So now I gotta buy the White Album
again?
(something else)
This is amusing. Universal translator.
He holds up a cylindrical metal tube and a small wire clip that looks like
a lapel microphone.
KAY (CONT'D)
We're not supposed to have it. I'll tell
you why. Human thought is so primitive
it's considered an infectious disease.
Makes you proud, doesn't it?
Edwards picks up a small yellow ball from one of the shelves.
EDWARDS
What's this?
KAY (CONT'D)
Don't touch that!
THE BALL ZINGS OUT OF EDWARDS' HANDS -- it flies out into the main complex
-- hits the ceiling and ricochets around the room, faster than the eye can
follow --
VARIOUS SHOTS OF HUMANS AND ALIENS ducking, dodging, and jumping out of
its way.
ON KAY as he calmly, a little wearily, slips an odd-looking metal glove
over his right hand...
He raises his hand and the yellow ball zings into it -- Kay catches the
ball, calmly.
KAY (CONT'D)
Caused the '77 New York blackout. Practical
joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it
was funny as hell.
They leave the room.
EDWARDS
Sorry!
ON THE MAIN FLOOR, they walk briskly across the room, reaching a giant
screen on the far wall.
KAY
Observation, the heart of our little
endeavor.
The screen displays a map of the world on which thousands of tiny lights
blink in all parts of the globe, log lines of data flashing next to them.
KAY (CONT'D)
This map shows the location of every
registered alien on earth at any given
time. Some of them we keep under constant
surveillance.
He hits a button on the console and the map is replaced by hundreds of
boxes, each with smaller video images.
KAY (CONT'D)
Everyone on these screens is an alien. In
public -- normal. In private -- you'll get
the idea.
ON THE SCREENS, we see live images of aliens. Aliens who look alien are in
spots where they can't be seen. Aliens who look human are functioning
right out in public -- including SAM DONALDSON. MICHAEL JACKSON. And TONY
ROBBINS.
KAY (CONT'D)
Meet the twins.
Kay gestures to two small, bony CREATURES with eight arms each and a
single eye growing out of a central stalk in their heads. They turn around
and wave two or three arms each.
EDWARDS
I gotta be honest about something.
KAY
It makes no sense?
EDWARDS
It makes perfect sense. When I was a third
grader in Philadelphia, they told me I was
crazy 'cause I swore that our teacher was
from, like, Venus or something.
KAY
Mrs. Edelson.
Edwards, stunned, looks at Kay as 4-Eyes boots her onto the screen: Mean
face, cat glasses. Bony fingers. Extremely well-hidden tail.
KAY
Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons.
With their remaining arms, they punch button after button on the enormous
console. ZED, who was standing up close to the screen, walks over to
Edwards, sizing him up.
ZED
What's your jacket size, Edwards?
EDWARDS
Uh -- forty regular.
ZED
Then let's put it on.
EDWARDS
Put what on?
ZED
The last suit you'll ever wear.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING - LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Like the rest of the place, the MIB locker room is all white. White walls,
white floor, white ceiling, white lockers. ZED'S VOICE comes over:
ZED (O.S.)
From now on, you'll dress only in attire
specially sanctioned by MIB Special
Services.
EDWARDS reaches out and opens a white locker, revealing a BLACK SUIT hung
from a hanger in the middle. Above it, on the shelf, a BLACK HAT and a
pair of BLACK SUNGLASSES. On the bottom, a pair of SHINY BLACK SHOES.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY
KAY is at a computer terminal. On screen are Edwards's birth certificate,
driver's license, social security card, library card, everything. ZED'S
VOICE continues:
ZED (O.S.)
You'll conform to the identity we give you,
eat where we tell you, live where we tell
you, get approval for any expenditure over
a hundred dollars.
INT. MIB BUILDING LASER BOOTH - DAY
EDWARDS stands in a cramped white booth.
He holds both his hands on a TEN-FINGERED KEYPAD, pressing down hard. The
pad glows red, a SEARING sound comes from his hands, and he grimaces as
more lasers instantly and (not at all) painlessly change his fingerprints.
ZED (O.S.)
You will have no identifying marks of any
kind. You will not stand out in any way.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY
One by one, KAY deletes Edwards's identity cards.
On the computer screen is Edwards' full name -- JAMES DARREL EDWARDS III.
Kay punches a couple keys, and the cursor begins to sweep from right to
left, starting to eliminate the rightmost letters of Edwards's name.
ZED (O.S.)
Your entire image is carefully crafted to
leave no lasting memory whatsoever with
anyone you encounter.
INT. MIB BUILDING - LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Pants come off the hanger. The white shirt is removed.
More letters are eliminated from his name. It reads "JAMES DARREL ED..."
then "JAMES DARR..."
ZED (O.S.)
You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja
vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't
exist; you were never even born.
The coat is removed. The hat comes off the shelf.
ZED (O.S.)
Anonymity is your name. Silence your native
tongue.
"JAMES..." "JAM..."
ZED (O.S.)
You are no longer part of "the system."
We're above the system. Over it. Beyond it.
Feet slip into black shoes. A belt is buckled. A tie pushed up.
ZED (O.S.)
We're "them." We're "they."
On screen, all that's left is the letter "J."
As the coat is buttoned, we notice the sleeve. Monogrammed on the cuff is,
simply, the letter "J."
ZED (O.S.)
We are the Men in Black.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Looking slick and handsome in his extremely sharp suit, JAMES D EDWARDS
III -- or, rather, JAY -- steps into the doorway from the locker room. He
reaches into his pocket, takes out the sunglasses, and looks at KAY.
JAY
The difference between you and me?
He slips on the sunglasses.
JAY (CONT'D)
I make this look good.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW JERSEY - EARLY MORNING
We are looking at a telephoto shot of Manhattan in all its splendor.
We see the Orkin van topping a hill, heading towards Manhattan.
INT. MIB BUILDING - ZED'S OFFICE - DAY
Zed's office is a circular, windowed room elevated above the main floor of
MIB headquarters. JAY and KAY sit across the desk from Zed. There are five
video monitors on a wall behind Zed's desk, and on each monitor is another
Man in Black, in different parts of the world, the city name and a clock
ticking in a corner of the image.
While Zed talks, he goes through paperwork on his desk.
ZED
Okay, let's see.
(to one of the monitors)
Bee, we got the deposed sur-prefect of
Sinalee touching down in the forest outside
Portland tonight. I'm pulling you down from
Anchorage to do a meet-and-greet.
BEE, an agent on one of the monitors, nods.
BEE
Humanoid?
ZED
You wish. Bring a sponge.
(going through memos)
What else -- everybody, we gotta keep
Rolling Fish-Goat out of the sewer system,
he's scaring the rats. And Bobo the Squat
wants to reveal himself on "Unsolved
Mysteries." Bee, make sure he doesn't.
He turns a page, coming across a red memo.
ZED (CONT'D)
Red-letter from last night -- we had an
un-authorized landing somewhere in upstate
New York farm country. Keep your ears open
for this one, Kay, we're not hosting a
galactic kegger down here.
Next to him, his computer screen BEEPS importantly. Zed looks over at it.
ZED
Well, well, well -- we got a skimmer.
KAY
(to Jay)
Landed alien out of zone.
(to Zed)
Who is it?
ZED
Redgick. He's not cleared to leave Manhattan
but he's way out of town right now, stuck in
traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike. Why
don't you take Jay? This is a good one for
him to warm up on.
EXT. MIB BUILDING - BATTERY PARK - DAY
JAY and KAY come out the front of MIB headquarters.
JAY
Yo, wussup with Zed?
(imitating him)
"Go get em, tiger. We're not hosting an
intergalactic kegger..."
KAY
Zed was saving the world before you were
born, son. Show some respect.
An MIB MECHANIC pulls up in Kay's black LTD and hops out, leaving the door
open. Jay sizes up the car.
JAY
We got the use of unlimited technology from
the entire universe and we cruise around in
this?
Kay glares at Jay. He's getting annoyed.
INT. MIB LTD - DAY
They get in and slam the doors. Kay starts the car and the engine HUMS
quietly.
KAY
Seat belt.
JAY
You know, ya'll gotta learn how to talk to
people. You could be a little kinder and
gentler.
Kay grits his teeth.
KAY
Buckle up, please.
JAY
Now did that hurt?
Kay shifts the car into reverse. The awesome power of the car kicks in and
Jay sails forward, THWACKING into the dash. Kay shifts into forward and
taps the gas, SLAMMING Jay back into his seat.
KAY
Makin' fun of my ride...
A LIGHTED PANEL rotates into place between the two front seats. Jay's
hand falls by accident on a flashing red button in the panel.
KAY
Jay. The button?
JAY
Yeah?
KAY
Never push the button, Jay.
Jay jerks his hand away.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
The LTD is now stopped by the side of the road, dust swirling around it.
Ahead of it, another car has pulled over. KAY gets out, JAY follows a
moment later, shaky-legged. Kay walks up to the window of the car they've
stopped. The DRIVER, a guy in his mid-thirties with a WIFE in her
mid-thirties, rolls the window down.
KAY
License and registration, please.
The Driver hands over some documents. Kay flips through them.
KAY (CONT'D)
Other license and registration, please.
The guy digs out two other cards and hands those over. Jay peers over
Kay's shoulder.
The photographs on the "RESIDENT ALIEN ID"cards are of two
friendly-looking reptile types, husband and wife, smiling atthe camera,
their long, skinny tongues dangling in a friendly sort of way.
Kay hands them back.
KAY (CONT'D)
Your resident card has you restricted to
the five boroughs only. Where do you think
you're going?
REDGICK
It's my wife! She's -- she's -- well, look!
Kay leans down and looks in the window. MRS. REDGICK is in front, MOANING
in pain, holding her swollen belly. Kay straightens up, fast.
KAY
Oh God. How soon?
Mrs. Redgick SCREAMS in pain. Real soon. For the first time since we've
seen him, Kay is nervous.
KAY (CONT'D)
Okay. All right. No big deal.
(to Jay)
You handle it.
JAY
Me?
KAY
Sure, it's easy, you just sorta -- catch.
Mrs. Redgick SCREAMS again. Redgick gets out of the car, worried.
REDGICK
Are you sure he knows what he's doing?
KAY
Yeah, hell, sure, he does this all the time.
C'mon, let him work, Redgick, I wanna ask
you something.
Kay gives Jay a supportive SLAP on the back and leads Redgick away, to the
rear of the car. Jay stays in the background and opens the rear door,
tentatively. He leans down, into the car.
JAY
Oh God! I see it I see it I see it!
A few yards from the car, Kay turns Redgick to face him.
KAY
Croagg the Midwife's back on 64th and 8th.
You were headed out of town.
REDGICK
Well, we're, uh -- meeting someone.
Suddenly a TENTACLE whips out from between Mrs. Redgick's legs, CRACKS the
whip once, and wraps around the door post, grabbing hold.
JAY
Oh sweet Jesus Mother of God did you see
that?!
KAY
(still to Redgick)
So? Who you meeting?
REDGICK
Well, it's -- a ship.
KAY
Really? I didn't see a departure clearance
for today.
REDGICK
You didn't? Uh, well -- it was an emergency.
Now a SECOND TENTACLE whips out, but this one wraps around Jay's neck and
pulls tight. He GASPS, choking.
JAY
Guys -- guys --
KAY
Doin' fine, Ace.
(back to Redgick)
What kind of emergency? What's the rush to
get off the planet all of a sudden?
JAY
(choking to death)
Help?! HELP! Hello?!
He starts tugging for all he's worth, but the fight is sort of going
against him, as the tentacles pull him in even harder than he tries to
pull the baby out.
REDGICK
We just don't like the neighborhood anymore.
Some of the -- new arrivals.
Redgick looks at Kay, clearly concealing something, but darts his eyes
away.
KAY
What new arrivals? This have anything to do
with the crasher from last night?
JAY
(Screaming)
Can you guys do this later?!
But in that moment, Jay finally gets a foot up on the door frame, acquires
leverage, and RIPS the baby free. He falls, flat on his back in the dirt,
the multi-tentacled lizardlike baby resting squarely on his chest.
JAY (CONT'D)
Oh -- oh -- oh -- man.
Kay turns and claps Redgick on the back.
KAY
Congratulations! It's a lizard.
Jay looks down at the creature COOING and nestling on his chest.
JAY
(misty)
Hey, you know, it is sorta --
It vomits on him.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - SIDE OF THE ROAD - MIB LTD - DAY
Back in the car, JAY wipes the last of the puke off his suit while KAY
starts up the car.
KAY
Anything about that seem unusual to you?
Jay just looks at him, very Jack Benny.
JAY
Pick.
KAY
What kind of "new arrival" would scare
Redgick so bad that he'd risk a warp jump
with a newborn?
(thinks)
Let's check the hot sheets.
EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY
CLOSE ON on various supermarket tabloids as a hand flips through them.
There are headlines like "POPE A FATHER!"and "TOP DOCTORS BAFFLED -- BABY
BORN PREGNANT!" and "MAN EATS OWN HOUSE!" (the subhead on that one is "And
That's Just the Appetizer, Says Neighbor.")
KAY and JAY are at a downtown newsstand. Kay is furiously searching
through the tabs; Jay is standing behind him, a little embarrassed.
JAY
These are the hot sheets?
Kay pulls a copy of the Weekly World News from the stand and gives the guy
a buck.
KAY
Best damn investigative reporting on the
planet. But hey, go ahead, read the New
York Times if you want. They get lucky
sometimes.
JAY
You're actually looking for tips in a
supermarket tabloid?
KAY
Not looking for. Found.
He SMACKS the paper down on the hood in front of Jay, the pages turned
open to a headline in typeface so large one would think it reserved for
the Second Coming:
Farm wife says
"ALIEN STOLE MY HUSBAND'S SKIN!"
CUT TO:
EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE - ORKIN VAN - DAY
A flap of skin, now getting gray and crusty with age, hangs off EDGAR's
neck as he sits in the front of his Orkin van. He sucks as hard as he
possibly can on a straw stuck into a Jolt Cola ("Double the Sugar! Triple
the Caffeine!"), one of a six-pack that sits on the dashboard.
Across the street, Edgar sees a short, older man come out of one of the
jewelry shops on Thirty-Fifth Street. Edgar drops the soda and stares.
The Older Man (ROSENBERG), is carrying a cat and an ornate rosewood
jewelry box. Carefully, he sets the box down and lovingly places the cat
on top of it while he locks all five locks on the door to his distinctive
shop.
That finished, he picks up the cat, then the box, then waddles off down
the street, one under each arm.
Edgar drops the truck into gear and follows him, slowly, trolling along
behind him.
ON THE STREET, Rosenberg walks happily along, HUMMING to himself. He gives
his cat a little peck. As he rounds a corner, we recognize the tune he's
humming -- "I've Got the Whole World In My Hands."
The Orkin van rounds the corner behind him. Following.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
The LTD pulls to a stop at the end of the driveway that leads to
Beatrice's farmhouse, where the alien ship landed. The wrecked pickup
truck is still there. JAY and KAY get out, very undercover cop. Jay starts
up the driveway.
KAY
Not so fast. Walk up slow.
JAY
Why?
KAY
Part of the routine. Makes it look like
we're sizing up the situation. Gives her
time to get the wrong impression.
BEATRICE appears in the door to the house, curious.
KAY (CONT'D)
Puts some fear into her. Makes things go
smoother.
Beatrice calls to them.
BEATRICE
Can I help you gentlemen?
Beatrice looks much better than the last time we saw her -- more nicely
dressed, a touch of makeup, a smile on her face.
Kay pulls a black card from his wallet and extends it to her as she draws
close. As she reaches for it, the card reforms into an FBI badge.
KAY
How do you do, ma'am, I'm Special Agent
Manheim, this is Agent Black, FBI. Had a
few questions about your visitor.
BEATRICE
Are you here to make fun of me too?
KAY
No ma'am. We at the FBI don't have a sense
of humor that we're aware of. Mind if we
come in?
BEATRICE
Sure. Lemonade?
CUT TO:
INT. FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
In the living room, KAY sips some of her lemonade and winces. JAY moves
through the room, checking it out as BEATRICE tells her story.
BEATRICE
And they said to me, "If he was murdered,
how could he walk back in the house?" And I
must admit, I was a little stumped by that
one. But I know Edgar. And that wasn't him.
It was more like something else that was
wearing him. Like a suit. An Edgar suit.
A little GIGGLE escapes her at the thought. Jay, over by a bookcase,
notices a framed PHOTO OF EDGAR, kneeling in the woods, proudly about to
skin a deer.
JAY
Damn. If he was this ugly before he was an
alien...
BEATRICE
Sorry?
KAY
Go on.
BEATRICE
Anyway, when I came to, he was gone.
KAY
Did he say anything?
BEATRICE
Yes! He asked for water. Sugar water, if I
remember.
KAY
Sugar water.
JAY
Did you taste her lemonade?
Kay nods, puts on his sunglasses. Takes out another pair, hands them to
Jay.
Kay draws his neuralyzer. FLASH! Beatrice freezes, staring straight ahead
as if hypnotized. Kay takes Jay's glasses off and hands them back to him.
KAY
Ray Bans.
(pulling off Jay's
sunglasses)
Okay, Beatrice. There was no alien, and the
flash of light you saw in the sky wasn't a
UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was
trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted
the light from Venus --
JAY
Whoa! That thing erases her memory, and you
give her a new one?
KAY
Standard issue neuralyzer.
JAY
And that's the best you can come up with?
KAY
On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar
ran off with on old girlfriend. Go stay at
your mother's for a few days and get over
it. Decide you're better off.
JAY
(butting in)
Yeah, and you're better off 'cause he never
appreciated you anyway. In fact, you kicked
him out, and now that he's gone, you ought
to buy some new clothes, maybe hire a
decorator or something...
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
KAY is in the hole where the ship landed, investigating. He holds a pocket
spectral analyzer over a section of scorched earth. The analyzer shifts
colors. Red. Then Yellow.
JAY
(from up outside the hole)
Hey. Kay...when am I gonna get one of those
memory things?
The spectral analyzer turns blue.
KAY
When you're ready.
(re: analyzer)
Please -- not green.
Purple. And then green.
Kay closes his eyes and sits back, leaning against the dirt. Above him,
JAY leans over, staring down. Kay looks up at him.
KAY (CONT'D)
Do you know what alien life form leaves a
green spectral trail?
JAY
Wait -- don't tell me -- that was the
question on Final Jeopardy last night.
AT THE CAR, Kay snatches up the radio handset and keys the microphone.
KAY
(softly, into mic)
Zed, we have a bug.
He turns off the radio and sighs. Jay stands next to him.
JAY
I'm gonna jump way past you and just guess
that this is bad. Right?
KAY
Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They
consume, infest and destroy. They live off
the death and decay of other species.
JAY
So basically you have a racial problem with
all insect-based life forms?
KAY
Listen, kid -- imagine a giant cockroach
five times smarter than Albert Einstein,
four times stronger than an ox, nine times
meaner than hell, strutting his stuff
around Manhattan Island in his brand new
Edgar suit. Does that sound like fun?
JAY
What do we do?
KAY
With a bug in town? Watch the morgues.
CUT TO:
EXT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY
ROSENBERG, the jewelry store owner, steps out of a cab in the meat-packing
district, still carrying the ornate box and his beloved cat. He heads into
Leshko's, a Russian diner.
A moment later, the Orkin van pulls to a stop across the street.
INT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY
ROSENBERG comes into the tiny restaurant, squinting in the relative
darkness. At a table in the middle, he sees a man eating alone -- an
enormous, dignified, yet profoundly strange-looking man in his mid
fifties.
Rosenberg walks carefully over to the table, but does not sit down. The
man (an ARQUILLIAN, and if we're eagle-eyed, we recognize him as the alien
on a "diplomatic mission" from passport control) rises from his chair. He
steps forward, to face Rosenberg, who sets the ornate box on the table.
Immediately, ROSENBERG'S CAT jumps on top of it.
Rosenberg and the Arquillian stare at each other for a long moment --
-- and then embrace each other. The embrace has an odd, formal quality to
it, like mafiosi coming to a sitdown. They hold on, long and hard, and
both seemed choked with emotion.
Finally, they break apart and take their seats. They speak in a bizarre
alien tongue, which is subtitled. Rosenberg wipes away tears.
ROSENBERG
Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this
planet are terrible.
ARQUILLIAN
Your majesty, you are in grave danger.
ROSENBERG
Yeah, and they overcharge you every time.
ARQUILLIAN
Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off
the planet.
ROSENBERG
A bug? He must know why I'm here.
ARQUILLIAN
We think he does.
(noticing the ornate box
on the table)
Is that what I think it is?
ROSENBERG
No, just some diamonds for your children.
Do we have time to eat?
The Arquillian relaxes.
ARQUILLIAN
Sure. I ordered you some pirogi.
INT. LESHKO'S DINER - KITCHEN - DAY
In the kitchen, the Russian COOK slaps two orders of pirogi up on the
stainless steel counter --
COOK
Table six is up!
-- and turns away, back to the grill.
A HAND reaches in, takes the plates, and sets them on a tray. We follow
the tray, but see only the right arm and aproned midsection of the waiter
carrying it. He carries the tray along the counter toward a pair of
swinging doors that lead out into the restaurant.
The doors swing in as another WAITER sweeps into the kitchen, and our
waiter heads out into the dining area. As the doors swing closed behind
him, they reveal storage shelves crammed with bags of rice, cans of stewed
tomatoes --
-- and a DEAD WAITER, literally folded in half and stuffed in among the
shelves.
INT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY
ROSENBERG and the ARQUILLIAN raise their glasses in a toast.
ARQUILLIAN
To the continued reign of the Arquillian
Empire.
ROSENBERG
To the safety of the galaxy.
They CLINK glasses and drink, just as the Waiter arrives. Still, we see
only his arms and midsection as he sets the tray on a stand and lifts the
plates of pirogi. He carries them to the table and sets them down.
Rosenberg, setting his glass down next to the plate, catches a glimpse of
the Waiter's hand --
-- just as an enormous silverfish bug slithers out of the waiter's sleeve
and scurries across the table. The glass slips out of Rosenberg's hand,
dumping wine all over the table.
He looks up, slowly, and sees the Waiter's face.
It's EDGAR. Another half dozen insects of all variety tumble out of
Edgar's sleeves and scurry across the table. Rosenberg and the Arquillian
freeze, paralyzed with fear. They seem to know what dire implications
Edgar's presence holds.
ROSENBERG
(in English again)
You can kill us both -- but you will not
find it.
Edgar smiles.
EDGAR
You're right about one thing.
Suddenly a long STINGER whips out from under the back of Edgar's apron and
zips under the table. First Rosenberg and then the Arquillian lurch
forward their chairs, their faces contorting in pain.
They both pitch forward, their faces slogging into fresh pirogi.
The stinger SNAPS out from under the table and whips back under Edgar's
apron. He moves quickly, searching their pockets, but he doesn't find what
he's looking for. The cat, still perched on top of the ornate box, HISSES
at him.
Edgar reaches out and BATS the cat away with one vicious swipe of his
hand. The animal HOWLS and flies across the room, landing in a WOMAN's
lunch.
The Woman SCREAMS. Now other DINERS' attention is drawn to Edgar's table,
where two obviously dead men are being robbed by a waiter. There are
SHOUTS of outrage, a few MEN rise out of their seats.
Edgar grabs the ornate box and tries to open it, but finds it locked. With
the furor rising around him, he shoves the box under one arm and bolts for
the door.
Rosenberg's cat leaps back onto the table and SNARLS at him as he goes.
CUT TO:
EXT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY
Later, and the Russian diner is now a crime scene, clustered with COPS and
flashing lights. THREE BODIES, now on stretchers and covered with sheets,
are being loaded into the back of ambulances.
ROSENBERG'S CAT races out of a UNIFORMED COP's arms and leaps onto one of
the stretchers, MEOWING mournfully. The Uniformed Cop turns to a POLICE
INSPECTOR who is questioning the WOMAN from the diner.
COP
What am I supposed to do with the cat?
INSPECTOR
I don't know. Send it with the stiff. Let
family claim it.
The Cop nods and follows the stretcher with Rosenberg's body into the back
of one of the ambulances, allowing the cat to ride on the chest of its
dead owner for the time being.
The doors of the wagon SLAM shut.
CUT TO:
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - DAY
The stretcher with the corpse on it is wheeled down a corridor in police
headquarters. ROSENBERG'S CAT, still on his chest, MEOWS curiously as the
stretcher approaches two doors with "City Morgue" written across them. The
words split in half as the stretcher BANGS through the doors.
INT. MORGUE - DAY
The city morgue is a crowded, brightly-lit, tiled place with corpses
parked left and right. Busy day in the Apple. The Cop wheeling the
stretcher calls out to the CORONER, who's hunched over another body.
COP
Where do you want contestant number three?
The coroner turns around. It's DR. LAUREL WEAVER, the woman who tried to
speak to Jay before. She sighs and waves a hand.
LAUREL
By the wall, I guess.
(noticing)
What's with the cat?
COP
Oh, the cat. There's a problem with the cat.
Sign here.
Laurel signs his clipboard.
LAUREL
What's the problem with the cat?
COP
Your problem.
Laurel gives him a dirty look, but he laughs and leaves. She goes over to
the stretcher and bends down, petting Rosenberg's cat gently.
LAUREL
Are you having a bad day, baby? Cheer up.
(of Rosenberg)
His is worse.
She sets the cat aside and wheels the stretcher under the lights.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
Okey-dokey. Shall we?
INT. MORGUE - LATER - DAY
Laurel is hunched over the corpse, the only light in the room coming from
the overhead spot that illuminates her work.
Fascinated by something, she digs deeper. And deeper. And looks up, her
face a mixture of alarm and excitement.
LAUREL
Oh, my God.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORGUE - NIGHT
Kay's LTD pulls up in front of the morgue.
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Two men in black suits hurry down the stairs and into the corridor outside
the morgue. They hasten down the hallway, their shoes CLICKING in perfect
lockstep, headed for those swinging doors at the other end.
JAY and KAY. Men in Black on a mission.
INT. MORGUE - NIGHT
In the morgue, LAUREL has fallen asleep on her desk, her head in her arms.
ROSENBERG'S CAT sits on the desk next to her, licking its paws. Suddenly,
the cat looks up, MEOWING urgently.
Laurel looks up and, following the cat's gaze, turns around slowly in her
chair. JAY and KAY stand in the doorway, staring at her. Kay steps
forward, holding out that black card again. It reforms into another kind
of official ID, this time it says "DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC HEALTH"
LAUREL
(into recorder)
...approximately 112 degrees at time of
autopsy, indicating, quite impossibly, a
post-mortem increase in body temperature.
Examiner attempted to verify result
rectally, only to find subject was, uh,
without rectum. Which can only be described
as...well...as really...
KAY (O.S.)
Weird? Dr. Leo Menville, Department of
Public Health. This is Dr. White.
She looks up. Jay and Kay are standing there.
LAUREL
Yeah, well whoever you are, I'm afraid I'm
going to need to see some ID.
He hands her his CARTE NOIR, which changes to read "Dr. Menville,
Department of Public Health." She hands it back.
LAUREL
(checking her watch)
You boys must not have much of a home life.
KAY
We watch the morgues very carefully. You've
got something unusual?
LAUREL
I'd say so -- triple homicide.
She gets up and goes to the Arquillian's body, which is still out on a
table under the lights.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
The first corpse was perfectly normal,
except that he was broken in half, but when
I opened up the other two -- well, look.
She throws back a sheet, revealing (to them only, not us) the fully
dissected Arquillian. Kay raises an eyebrow; Jay nearly retches.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
There's a skeletal structure at work here
unlike anything I've ever seen.
Kay steps past her, going straight to the body. He begins to examine it.
KAY
I'll have a look at this one. Dr. White,
why don't you and Dr. Weaver check out the
other body?
LAUREL
This way, Doctor.
Jay and Laurel cross the room, to where ROSENBERG's corpse lies out on
another gurney.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
This one's even stranger. I did a full
laparotomy. I started with the lesser
curvature of the stomach -- though, if you
want, we could begin at the gastro-esophageal
junction.
JAY
I think, uh, we should start at the same
place you did.
LAUREL
All right.
Jay hears a MEOW and looks down. Rosenberg's cat is rubbing up against his
leg.
JAY
Your cat?
LAUREL
Guess it is now. Came in with the bodies.
She SNAPS one of her rubber gloves and reaches down (out of frame),
sinking her hands into the body as she moves things aside. Just by the
look on Jay's face, one can imagine how disgusting it is.
Laurel digs in, up to her elbows. Jay winces. She pulls one bloody glove
out, to wipe a strand of hair out of her face. He looks at her --
-- and she winks at him. He's surprised. She laughs.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
Okay. Dive right in. God knows he won't
mind.
Jay is reluctant, so she rolls her eyes and helps him, taking him by the
hand and guiding him into the thick of the corpse.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
You have very pretty eyes.
JAY
Thank-you, but is this really the time to
uh -- you know, come on to me?
LAUREL
Hey, just walking the dog.
(continuing)
Feel that? Where the piloric junction would
be?
JAY
Oh, yes. Exactly.
LAUREL
Now push that aside. Notice anything
strange? Stomach? Liver? Lungs?
JAY
Nope. All fine.
LAUREL
Doctor, they're all missing.
JAY
(quickly)
Well, of course they are. What I'm pointing
out is that there are no pieces of them
left. So they're intact, wherever they are.
That we can be sure of.
LAUREL
Have we met before? I have the strangest
feeling of deja vu.
JAY
You know, I was just going to ask you the
same thing.
Laurel looks at him sideways, skeptical, but also intrigued. She whispers
to him. Confiding in him.
LAUREL
Okay. You wanna know what I really think?
(re: Kay)
But don't tell that guy. He looks like he's
already under enough stress.
(then)
This body is not really a body, but it's
actually some sort of transport unit for
something else altogether. The question is:
what?
Jay just looks at her intrigued.
LAUREL
By the way, stop me if I'm freaking you out.
JAY
No, no...not at all.
After a particularly gross GUSHY sound, he looks away, toward her. She's
staring at him.
Laurel leans over and lowers her voice, just for him.
LAUREL
You know what I like to do sometimes? When
it's really late?
JAY
(freaked out)
No...
From the other side of the room, Kay CLEARS HIS THROAT.
JAY (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
He walks across the morgue to Kay, who is still examining the Arquillian.
But Jay never takes his eyes off Laurel.
KAY
What do you think?
JAY
(of Laurel)
Very interesting. Got a real Queen of the
Undead thing goin' on.
KAY
Of the body.
JAY
Great body.
KAY
The dead body?
JAY
Not a clue.
KAY
All right. Keep her occupied. Try not to
sound too dumb.
ACROSS THE MORGUE, Laurel is still examining Rosenberg, now bent down next
to his head, carefully studying his left ear. She notices something
strange, turns, and calls over her shoulder to Jay.
LAUREL
Dr. White.
Jay, in conversation with Kay, does not respond to what is not his name.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
(louder)
Dr. White.
(still louder)
Dr. White.
He still doesn't answer.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
(shouting)
DR. WHITE!
Kay nudges Jay.
KAY
You're up, Slugger.
Jay turns and races across the room to rejoin her.
LAUREL
Look at this.
Jay leans down. There is strange stitching around the base of Rosenberg's
ear.
JAY
What is that?
He reaches out, touches the ear, then he actually turns it. With a soft
CLICK --
-- it pulls away from the head. Like a latch.
Jay and Laurel look at each other, astonished. Jay pulls again, and
Rosenberg's entire face PUSHES OUT with a mechanical HUM, then HINGES
OPEN, the whole face rotating out away from the rest of the artificial
skull.
A TINY LITTLE GREEN MAN SITS INSIDE ROSENBERG'S HEAD.
Though not quite dead, the Tiny Little Green Man is gravely wounded. He
staggers up out of a small control room inside Rosenberg's head, with
gearshifts and viewing screens all around the inside of the skull.
LAUREL
Far -- freaking -- out.
They lean in closer. The Tiny Little Green Man (a BALTIAN) forces words
out of his mouth.
BALTIAN
Must -- to pre -- prevent --
(searching for the word)
-- contest? No...to prevent --
JAY
It's all right -- What are you trying to
say? Struggle?
LAUREL
War?
The Baltian nods vigorously. That's it.
BALTIAN
(faltering)
Galaxy on -- or -- or -- Orion's --
(thinks)
What is word? Be...?
JAY
Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt?
The Baltian nods again, falls, and dies. Jay and Laurel look at the little
dead alien, then at each other.
JAY (CONT'D)
"To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's
Belt?" The hell does that mean?
(turns around)
Hey! Kay! I mean, Dr., uh, whatever, come
here!
Kay begins over. Laurel looks at them.
LAUREL
"Doctor Whatever"? You're not with the
Department of Public Health, are you?
Jay shakes his head -- but is now paying more attention to Kay, as he
leads him toward the Little Man.
JAY
He's dead.
Kay looks at the mess -- the body, the little dead man.
KAY
Rosenberg. Damn. Good man.
JAY
You knew him?
KAY
One of the few I actually liked. Exiled
High Prince.
LAUREL
I was right -- this is an alien life form,
and you're from some government agency who
wants to keep it under wraps...
Kay and Jay are not paying attention to Laurel.
JAY
He said "to prevent war, the galaxy is on
Orion's Belt."
LAUREL
... This make total sense. How else do you
explain New York? The other night I'm in a
cab, this guy...
FLASH! Without even looking at her, Kay whips out his neuralyzer and
blanks her out.
KAY
He said there's a galaxy on Orion's Belt?
That makes no sense.
JAY
That's what he said.
(to the dazed Laurel)
Didn't he? Right after he --
(realizing)
Oh, for Christ's sake, you did the flashy
thing already.
LAUREL
(as if awakening)
Uh, hi, whoever you guys are, I'm afraid
I'm going to need to see some ID if you're
going to be in the morgue, okay?
KAY
Sure thing, sweetheart. Here you go.
FLASH! He neuralyzes her again. Jay slaps his hand.
JAY
Stop that --
KAY
(to Laurel, ignoring Jay)
Typical day, too much caffeine, get a life.
JAY
-- that thing probably gives you brain
cancer!
KAY
Never hurt her before.
JAY
"Never hurt her before"?! How many times
have you done the flashy thing to this poor
woman?!
KAY
(evasive)
Couple.
JAY
Aren't you worried about, you know, long
term damage?
KAY
(more evasive)
Little bit.
JAY
What the hell happened to make you such a
callous son of a bitch?
KAY
I took this job.
He heads out. Jay follows.
JAY
Hey, you never flashed me with that thing,
did you?
KAY
Nah.
EXT. MORGUE - NIGHT
Jay and Kay exit the morgue and walk towards their car.
JAY
Hey, Kay, I really think I should be in
charge of the flashy memory thing
department.
KAY
Not while I'm around, Slim.
JAY
Yeah, well you're a menace with that
thing...
An MIB containment vehicle pulls up, and four men dressed in black suits
get out.
KAY
(to an MIB Agent)
We've got two dead aliens in there, and a
deputy medical coroner in need of a new
memory.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK ALLEY - NIGHT
The Orkin van is parked in an alleyway somewhere downtown. From inside,
throaty WAILS of frustration can be heard. Two PASSERSBY hear the racket
and hesitate, wondering if they should get involved.
But an inhuman GROWL rattles the whole van and they wise up, hurrying on
their way.
INT. ORKIN VAN - NEW YORK ALLEY - NIGHT
Inside the van, the ornate rosewood box is now battered and scarred, its
various locks holding tight against EDGAR's repeated attempts to claw his
way into it. Crammed into the back of the van along with his spaceship,
Edgar wedges a screwdriver into the thin opening between the top and the
rest of the box and SMACKS it with his right fist. Nothing doing.
He BELLOWS in rage and hurls the box against the side of the van, where it
finally CRACKS a hinge. Edgar snaps it up, pries the rest of the hinge off
with the screwdriver, and wrenches the top off the box.
Inside, there are dozens of precious, glittering diamonds, which he
promptly tosses aside as worthless. But the rest of the box is empty.
EDGAR
No. No, NO, NO, NOOOO!
He rips the box apart with his bare hands. There's nothing else there.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING - MAGIC HOUR
As lower Manhattan is waking up, Jay and Kay enter the building.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - EARLY MORNING
Despite the early hour, the headquarters is going full-blast. The large
screen displays the familiar grouping of stars that is the CONSTELLATION
ORION.
Jay and Kay hurry in -- Kay peels off to one of the monitors; Jay heads
for Zed.
JAY
Doesn't anybody believe in sleep around
here?
ZED
The twins keep us on Alpha Centaurian time
-- a 37-hour day. Give it a few months --
you'll get used to it. Or you'll have a
psychotic episode.
He points up at the screen with a laser pencil.
ZED
Here's Orion; the brightest grouping of
stars in the northern sky...
(pointing)
and here's Orion's belt --
He indicates the three stars that make up the belt.
JAY
That's what the little guy was talking
about, "To prevent war, the galaxy's on
Orion's belt..."
ZED
There are no galaxies on Orion's belt. The
belt is just these three stars; galaxies
are huge, made up of billions of stars.
(switches off the laser
pointer)
You heard wrong.
JAY
You're attracted to me, aren't you?
Jay starts to cross over to ANOTHER MONITOR, where Kay is sitting alone,
tie loosened, slightly disheveled. On the screen, the word "SEARCHING"
blinks, encouraging patience. The image changes to a satellite view of
North America, which quickly zooms in on the Southwest.
On screen, the satellite view zooms down to Arizona, then a city, then a
neighborhood, then a block, then a back yard. The printout changes to
"SUBJECT ACQUIRED."
The image comes into sharp focus on one back yard in particular, where we
get a good look at a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
SUBJECT: ELIZABETH ANN RESTON
PRESENT LOCATION: RESIDENCE
553 FAIRFIELD AVE./TEMPE/AZ
Whoever Elizabeth Ann Reston is, she's lovely. She's setting a picnic
table in her back yard at the moment, unaware that she's being watched by
an eye in the sky -- just as Kay is unaware that Jay is standing behind
him.
Jay notices the monitor with the Middle-aged Woman on it. He looks at
Kay's expression, then back at the monitor.
JAY
Pretty lady...
Kay clicks off the picture of her. Jay drags a chair and sits down.
JAY (CONT'D)
You were the guy with the flowers in the
photo, (the night the aliens arrived.)
(What, you were on your way to a dance or
something and you got lost? And she never
got those flowers, did she?]
Kay doesn't answer, just stares at the screen. Elizabeth looks up, as if
she knows she's being watched, but she's just looking at the sky,
wondering how many stars'll be out tonight.
JAY (CONT'D)
Grumpy Guy's story comes into focus. She
ever get married?
KAY
No.
It's more than Kay can bear. He reaches out and flicks a switch. The
monitor goes blank, except for a data screen:
SUBJECT LOST
Kay sits back in the chair and eats a potato chip morosely. Jay looks at
him: "Is this me in thirty years?" A moment goes by. Finally:
JAY
Well, it's better to have loved and lost
than never to have --
KAY
Try it.
ZED (O.S.)
Kay.
Jay and Kay cross back toward the LAD (Landed Alien Display), where each
of the thousand or so Aliens who live on earth are represented by a
flickering LIGHT.
Some lights are starting to go out.
KAY
(quietly, with dread)
They're leaving.
ZED
We've had twelve jumps in the last hour.
Redgick was just the beginning.
JAY
What do they know that we don't know?
Kay looks to his partner, then to the screen. Another light flickers out.
KAY
Why do rats desert the ship?
(to the twins)
Go to Lem Sat IV. Put up a forty-field view
of Manhattan.
ON THE SCREEN New York City is just a bright spot of light on the Eastern
coast of the United States.
KAY (CONT'D)
Four hundred.
Now there's a view of the earth from space. Nothing unusual.
KAY (CONT'D)
Four thousand.
Now we're looking at earth from far, far away -- and from here we can see
something that doesn't belong in this picture:
A BATTLE CRUISER far off to one side of the earth. The words "LEVEL FOUR"
flash in red letters on one side of the map.
KAY (CONT'D)
That's an Arquillian battle cruiser.
JAY
And we've got a dead Arquillian prince.
A COMMUNICATION STARTS COMING OVER THE SPEAKERS -- a sound like a cat and
mouse caught in a blender.
KAY
Message coming in.
The communication continues.
KAY (CONT'D)
Speak of the devil.
The communication continues.
JAY
They sound pissed.
ZED
(to the twins)
Translate that and step on it!
(to Kay)
Meanwhile get down to Rosenberg's store and
see what you can turn up.
Kay and Jay walk away.
ZED (CONT'D)
And Kay -- take a lot of fire power.
IN THE EQUIPMENT LOCKER Kay pulls out the ENORMOUS, MANY-BARRELED HAND
GUN. A small, clear, canister sprouts from underneath it, malicious
swirling gases visible through its walls.
JAY
I like that.
KAY
Series four de-atomizer.
Kay pulls out another weapon, the TINIEST GUN WE'VE EVER SEEN.
KAY (CONT'D)
Here. We call this the "Noisy Cricket."
JAY
You get a series four de-atomizer and I get
a "Noisy Cricket?!"
(looks at the gun)
I'm afraid I'm going to break it.
Jay follows Kay out, glancing back to see the huge gun turrets on the
Arquillian Battle Cruiser HUM and WHIR as they swing around into position,
pointed down at the unwitting planet below.
CUT TO:
INT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE - DAY
SMASH! The window in the front door of Rosenberg's jewelry shop collapses
in a shower of glass. EDGAR reaches in and fumbles with the locks, undoing
them one by one. He gets them all and steps inside. Out the window behind
him, we can see his Orkin van, double parked in the street in front.
All the gems and jewels are under glass counters. Edgar starts SMASHING
the glass, grabbing great handfuls of jewels and tossing them aside.
Outside, a New York City tow truck pulls up to the front of the Orkin van
and starts to hitch up.
Edgar, in his rage, starts to smash anything breakable, even the framed
pictures on the walls. He stops at one particular picture, staring
intently at it. It's a glamor shot of Rosenberg's cat, provocatively posed
on a satin pillow. There are a half dozen more pictures of the cat, some
posed with Rosenberg, some by itself. This animal was important to
Rosenberg.
From outside, the ROAR of an engine distracts Edgar. He turns around, in
time to see the Orkin van lurch as the tow lifts its front wheels off the
ground.
EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE - DAY
EDGAR rushes outside as the tow truck DRIVER gets the van up on the hoist.
EDGAR
That's my truck!
DRIVER
And make sure you tell them that at the
impound.
Edgar reaches into the front seat of the van and pulls out his twelve
gauge. He points it at the tow truck Driver. The tow truck driver looks at
him with disdain, and pulling back his shirt reveals a mean-looking gun.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
I got worse.
He keeps hitching up the van. Two pedestrians walk past the dispute, very
fast, ignoring the debate, headed right for the shop. We go with them, and
realize that it's --
-- JAY and KAY. They stop at the smashed door of the jewelry shop and
exchange a glance. Kay pulls a very menacing-looking weapon, nods, and
they step inside.
INT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE - DAY
They look around and see the recent demolition caused by Edgar. Jay
furrows his brow.
JAY
Who robs a jewelry store and leaves the
jewels?
KAY
Someone who's not looking for jewels.
Jay moves behind the counter. On the floor is an ornate, empty bowl and a
bag of cat food, next to a scrumptious pillow. There are several PHOTOS OF
A CAT on the wall.
There is also a pile of BEJEWELED CAT COLLARS. Jay picks up one of the
COLLARS, inspects it closely, shaking his head.
JAY
This guy had a serious crush on his cat.
Jay's attention is broken by something through the window. Outside,
lumbering straight for the store, is EDGAR.
Jay thinks for a moment -- where does he know that face?
Suddenly, Edgar raises his arms, pointing both the farmer's rifle and the
driver's shotgun. Before Edgar can shoot, Jay YELLS...
JAY
Kay! GET DOWN!
And then Jay FIRES, shattering the storefront window, and BLOWING UP A CAR
on the street. The blast hurls him up and back a good ten feet, SLAMMING
him into the wall with tremendous force. Edgar turns and rushes away down
the street as Jay picks himself up.
JAY
The bug in the Edgar suit! The ugly redneck
from the picture! That's him!
Jay leaps through the broken storefront window and after Edgar.
KAY
(picking himself up)
Damn it.
Kay runs out after Jay.
EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE - DAY
Edgar doesn't bother sticking around to continue his fight. He jumps
behind the wheel of the tow truck, starts it up, and hits the gas. The
engine ROARS.
Jay sprints after him, FIRING his noisy cricket. He is thrown back into
some pedestrians, while his SHOT...
Hits the rigging between the Orkin Van and the town truck, separating the
two. Jay pulls himself up and sprints after the tow truck, but it
accelerates too quickly.
Edgar is just about to turn the corner when Jay leaps onto a parked CAR to
try and get some height. As Jay prepares to shoot, EDGAR DISAPPEARS AROUND
THE CORNER, and a HUGH TRUCK backs into his line of fire.
JAY FIRES, the TRUCK EXPLODES and Jay flies BACKWARDS, hurtling through
the air and CRASHING through the window of a car, his rear end right in
the woman driver's face.
When Jay looks up, Kay is standing before him. He yanks Jay out of the
car.
KAY
We do not discharge our weapons in view of
the public.
JAY
Can we drop the cover-up bullshit?! There's
an Alien Battle Cruiser that's gonna blow-up
the world if we don't...
KAY
There's always an Alien Battle Cruiser...or
a Korlian Death Ray, or...an intergalactic
plague about to wipe out life on this
planet, and the only thing that lets people
get on with their hopeful little lives is
that they don't know about it.
Kay gestures to a group of ONLOOKERS, drawn by the curious blasts from the
store. There's smoking rubble everywhere.
KAY
Don't worry about the bug. He's not leaving
town. We've got his ship.
After gesturing to the back of the Orkin van, where Edgar's spaceship is
neatly stowed, Kay pulls out his cell phone.
KAY
(into phone)
Zed, we're gonna need a containment crew
down here at McDougal, south of Houston.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Back at Men in Black Headquarters, the little lights on the world map
which indicate aliens' locations are going out, one by one, about one
every five or ten seconds. A WARNING BUZZER is sounding, over and over,
and HUMAN STAFFERS are rushing left and right.
ZED is in his office.
ZED
Containment may be a moot point, my friend.
The exodus continues. It's like the party's
over and the last one to leave gets stuck
with the check.
Zed looks down to the vast floor below and sees the four worm guys with
suitcases walking across the floor.
ZED
You sorry little ingrates!
KAY (O.S.)
What about the Arquillians?
ZED
We've only translated a part of the message
so far: "Deliver the Galaxy."
KAY (O.S.)
No, they don't want much, do they?
ZED
Oh, it gets better... They're holding us
responsible.
He looks up at the screen. It reads:
MIB
DELIVER THE GALAXY.
ZED
Another contestant has entered the ring.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET (OUTSIDE JEWELRY STORE)
As Kay puts away his phone, turns to Jay
KAY
All right, kid. The Arquillians want the
galaxy, whatever the hell that means. We
need help. A professional. Someone with
years of experience in intergalactic
politics. I just hope the little prick
hasn't skipped town.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPTOWN NEWSSTAND - DAY
The tow truck SQUEALS to a halt at a curb. EDGAR gets out and walks away,
fast, CURSING under his breath. He rants, livid, thinking hard. As he
passes a newsstand, he grabs the NEWS VENDOR by the collar.
EDGAR
Where do you keep your dead?
VENDOR
(thinks)
I don't have any dead.
EDGAR
Where?!
VENDOR
I don't know, the city morgue!
Edgar shoves him away roughly. But before he leaves, his eye catches a
postcard display marked "LANDMARKS OF THE NEW YORK CITY AREA." Edgar
stares, fascinated, but we don't see what he's looking at. He reaches out
and picks up a color postcard.
He raises it to his face, thinking, then shoves it in his pocket and
hurries off.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - KEY KIOSK - DAY
Kay's LTD SCREECHES to a halt in front of the kiosk on Orchard Street. JAY
and KAY leap out and Jay spots the VENDOR, closing up the shop. He's
wearing a dirty cardigan, watch cap, and fingerless gloves, his face
aquiver with ticks and mannerisms. He has a small dog in front of him.
Jay rolls his eyes as they step up to the counter.
JAY
Of course that guy's an alien. That's gotta
be the worst disguise I've ever seen.
A voice answers him, but not the Vendor's.
FRANK THE PUG
You don't like it, you can kiss my furry
little butt.
Jay looks down. The voice is coming from the dog. This is FRANK THE PUG.
Kay approaches, motioning to Jay to make sure no one hears.
KAY
You busy, Frank?
FRANK THE PUG
Sorry, Kay, I can't talk right now, my
ride's leaving in --
Kay grabs Frank. He yelps like, well, a dog.
KAY
Call the pound. We got a stray.
FRANK THE PUG
Hey! Get your paws off me!
PASSERBYS glare at Kay, who appears to be seriously mistreating this poor
little dog. Jay tries to explain.
JAY
The, uh...dog owes my friend some money.
KAY
(to Frank)
Arquillians and bugs. What do you know?
FRANK THE PUG
I know nothing.
KAY
Not a thing?
Kay shakes Frank the Pug, trying to force an answer.
FRANK THE PUG
Stop it. Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some
two-bit Arquillian. He was the guardian of
a galaxy. They thought he would be safe
here on earth.
KAY
And the bug had other plans.
FRANK THE PUG
The galaxy is the best source for subatomic
energy in the universe. If the bugs get
their slimy claws on it, kiss the
Arquillians goodbye.
JAY
Ask him about the belt.
KAY
(to Frank)
Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on
"Orion's belt." What's he talking about,
Frank?
FRANK THE PUG
Beats me.
Kay shakes Frank the Pug once more.
JAY
(to a person passing by)
They're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.
FRANK THE PUG
The galaxy is here.
KAY
Here?
JAY
The galaxy is hundreds of millions of stars
and planets? How's it here?
If a dog can smirk, Frank does.
FRANK THE PUG
You humans, when're you gonna learn that
size doesn't matter? Just 'cause something's
important, doesn't mean it's not very, very
small.
KAY
How small?
FRANK THE PUG
Tiny. Like the size of a marble. Or a jewel.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be walked
before the flight.
Kay lets go of Frank, turns to Jay, who is lost in thought.
KAY
(to Frank the Pug)
Get out of here.
(then to Jay)
The galaxy's here. It's not on Orion's belt.
Jay suddenly notices Frank the Pug bark at a cat farther down the
sidewalk.
JAY
Kay...
CUT TO:
INT. MORGUE - DAY
In the morgue, LAUREL is working at a desk when suddenly ROSENBERG'S CAT
leaps up onto it from nowhere, the way cats do, landing right in the
middle of the file she's studying.
Laurel jumps.
LAUREL
Boy, when you want attention --
She pets the cat. As she does, the cat's collar shines in the light.
Laurel turns the name tag to face her.
CLOSE ON A PRECIOUS JEWEL, AND THE WORD "ORION."
As it is written across the collar of the cat.
LAUREL (O.S)
"Orion." That's a pretty name.
From out in the corridor, a bell rings -- DING, DING.
Laurel notices something dangling from the cat's collar -- a CIRCULAR ICON
of a strange and beautiful metal. The center is some sort of hardened,
translucent material, light green in color.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
What's this?
She peers into the jewel, and her face washes over with amazement.
INT. ICON - DAY
It's as if Laurel is sucked into another universe. Her face goes
beatifically blank as she sails through a massive starfield, millions of
stars, billions of green, verdant planets, all racing by her at the speed
of light.
INT. MORGUE - DAY
LAUREL
Wow.
Outside, the bell DINGS again. Orion looks up, as if knowing who's out
there, and not liking it. She SNARLS at the door and leaps off the desk,
scurrying across the lab and disappearing under some equipment.
INT./EXT. LTD - MANHATTAN - DAY
Jay and Kay barrel through town.
JAY
So two galaxies have been fighting for
years. And the only people who've been
benefiting are a race of creatures called
bugs. Then the two galaxies decide to make
peace...and the bugs send this guy down to
make sure the fighting never stops.
KAY
By killing the emissaries, and stealing the
galaxy they've been fighting about.
JAY
And if we don't get it back before he
leaves the planet...we're history.
KAY
We're not even history. 'Cause history
implies there's someone around to remember
it.
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - DAY
On a counter in the morgue corridor, a gray, peeling hand BANGS on a bell
on a countertop, over and over. The hand belongs to EDGAR, who is carrying
his shotgun, concealing it behind one leg. The morgue attendant, TONY,
emerges from a small security cage carrying a worn paperback copy of Atlas
Shrugged and a fly swatter.
TONY
Thank you for making sure the bell works.
Suddenly, quick as a gunfighter, Tony SNAPS the fly swatter down on a
BUZZING FLY. Edgar winces.
TONY (CONT'D)
(to Edgar)
What's up, Farmer John?
EDGAR
A man came in here earlier. A dead man.
TONY
And this means what to me?
EDGAR
He was a very dear friend of mine. And I
believe he had an animal with him. A gift
I gave him, a pet cat that means worlds to
me. I would like it back.
TONY
I'll need a picture ID, written proof of
ownership of the cat, or notarized proof of
kinship with --
WHACK! Tony flicks the fly swatter again, sending another bug to meet its
maker. Edgar grits his teeth.
TONY (CONT'D)
-- the deceased.
EDGAR
Don't -- do that.
WHACK! Still another fly goes down.
TONY
Do what?
Tony looks down, to where Edgar's hands rest on the counter. Half a dozen
cockroaches stream out of his sleeve.
TONY (CONT'D)
Shit!
He ducks under the counter --
-- and comes up with a can of Raid. Edgar's eyes bug out.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORGUE - DAY
Kay's LTD pulls to a stop in front of the morgue and JAY and KAY jump out.
JAY
I'll handle this one, you wait outside.
KAY
What the hell for?
JAY
Because all we have to do is walk in and
get a cat, it's not that hard. But if you
go in, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on
her and flash your brain ray in her face
and she's gonna end up with leukemia or
some shit. The woman's a doctor, she
doesn't need you erasing half her med
school classes. Take me five minutes.
And he continues into the morgue, leaving Kay waiting outside.
KAY
Two minutes!
INT. MORGUE - DAY
LAUREL SLAMS into a wall on one side of the morgue, thrown there by EDGAR.
He leans in, close, furious.
EDGAR
Where is the animal?!
LAUREL
I told you, I don't know, it ran under some
equipment! Over there.
EDGAR
Get it!
He grabs her roughly and drags her across the morgue, toward the equipment
she pointed to. As they draw close, ORION the cat bolts from underneath
it, races between their legs, and leapfrogs over several small cabinets,
landing on top of a very tall one with only six inches clearance between
it and the ceiling. A very tough hiding place.
Edgar just starts to turn when they hear the BELL and a VOICE from the
corridor outside.
JAY (O.S.)
Hello? Anybody here?
Edgar looks up at the cat's hiding place. No time to get it. The bell
DINGS again.
JAY (O.S.)
Hello?
Roughly, Edgar pulls Laurel close and puts a finger to his lips --
"Shhhhhhh."
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - DAY
In the corridor, JAY looks around. No Tony, no answer to the bell. He
DINGS once more, then heads into the back.
INT. MORGUE - DAY
JAY comes into the morgue. LAUREL is in there, standing right up next to
an examination table, but there is no corpse on the table, just a sheet
draped over it. She just stands there, in the middle of the room, staring
at Jay.
JAY
Uh, hi.
LAUREL
(oddly)
Hello.
JAY
(flashes a badge)
I'm Sergeant Friday, from the Twenty-Sixth
precinct. They brought a cat in here with a
corpse the other day, might have said
"Orion" on the cat's name tag?
LAUREL
Yes. That's right.
JAY
Right, well, the cat is, uh -- the cat's a
witness in a murder case and I'm going to
need to take it with me.
LAUREL
I don't know where the cat is at the moment.
JAY
You don't?
LAUREL
No.
(lowers her voice to a
whisper)
Maybe you could take me with you instead.
Jay looks at her.
JAY
Excuse me?
LAUREL
I said, maybe you could take me with you
instead.
JAY
Damn, you do start fast, don't you?
LAUREL
I'd really like to go with you. Now.
Jay just looks at her, amazed at the power he seems to have over this
woman. He looks over his shoulder, to make sure he has a few more seconds
alone.
JAY
And, uh, why exactly is that?
Laurel rolls her eyes. She seems irritated with him, but it doesn't go
with what she's saying.
LAUREL
I just do.
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - DAY
KAY comes down the stairs and into the morgue corridor. He checks his
watch, then leans against the counter and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Waiting.
INT. MORGUE - DAY
Jay is thoroughly enjoying himself, but Laurel seems to be going crazy.
LAUREL
I have something I need to show you.
She looks down, pointedly, in the direction of her waist.
JAY
Now slow down, you don't have to hit the
gas like that.
She leans in and lowers her voice.
LAUREL
You don't understand. You really need to
see this.
JAY
And I will. But we gotta get something
straight here -- I'm gonna drive. It's not
some kind of macho trip, it's just the way
I'm used to doing things, okay?
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - DAY
Kay pulls out a box of matches and strikes one on the side. He raises it
to his cigarette, but as it draws close, the match goes out with a sharp
SIZZLE.
Kay furrows his brow. Odd.
INT. MORGUE - DAY
Laurel is at the end of her rope.
LAUREL
Look, Stud, I don't know how many more
times I'm going to get to tell you this.
There's something --
She points, sharply, at the examination table directly in front of her.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
-- that you have to help me with.
Jay's smile vanishes and his jaw drops as he figures it out. He starts to
reach for his gun.
INT. MORGUE - CORRIDOR - DAY
Kay raises another lit match to his cigarette, but as this one gets close,
a BIG GLOB OF GOO drops from the ceiling and onto the match, dousing the
flame.
Kay looks up, sharply.
Above him, TONY, the counter guy, is stuck to one high corner of the
ceiling by an enormous wad of viscous, dripping fluid. He's dead, a frozen
look of terror on his face and the can of Raid still clutched in his hand.
From inside the morgue, Laurel SCREAMS.
INT. MORGUE - DAY
Kay races into the morgue just as the examination table EXPLODES into the
air, revealing EDGAR, who was hiding beneath it.
Now everything happens at once. Jay leaps back and draws the Noisy
Cricket, Kay pulls out his series four deatomizer, and Edgar holds his
shotgun under Laurel's chin, using her body to shield his own.
KAY
Freeze it, Bug!
JAY
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
LAUREL
(to Jay)
CHRIST, are you THICK!
JAY
How was I supposed to know!?!
LAUREL
What did I have to do, SING it for you!?!
JAY
Maybe if you didn't come on like a drunken
prom date!
LAUREL
Oh, that's SO typical. Any time a woman
shows the slightest hint of sexual
independence, men just --
EDGAR
Everybody shut UP!
KAY
Let her go, Shit Eater.
EDGAR
Listen, Monkey Boy, I may have to take that
kind of talk in my end of the universe, but
compared to you humans, I'm the top rung on
the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all
right?!
KAY
You're breakin' my heart. Move six inches
to your left and I'll solve all your
problems.
ORION the cat suddenly attacks, leaping off the top of the cabinet and
landing on Edgar, HISSING and scratching and clawing for all she's worth.
Edgar snaps an arm up and whips her off. The cat squirms in his arm, the
icon jangling. Edgar grabs the icon, holds onto it, and flings the cat
away, across the morgue. The icon comes free, remaining in his hand.
He drops it into his mouth and swallows. He shoves the gun hard against
Laurel's cheek.
EDGAR
That's better. Now put down your weapons.
We're leaving.
Kay freezes, teeth clenched, gun still in front of him. Standoff.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
Have you ever pulled the wings off a fly?
Edgar cranks one of Laurel's arms behind her back, hard, and she CRIES OUT
in pain.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
Would you care to see the fly get even?
KAY
How far you think you'll get without your
ship? If that's what you call that hunk of
space crap we've got back at our office.
EDGAR
Put the weapons down!
KAY
Never gonna happen, Insect.
Edgar backs away with Laurel, further into the morgue, toward a glass
window that looks out at the base of an air shaft. Jay and Kay advance,
slowly, cornering him.
JAY
It's okay, Laurel!
LAUREL
HOW is it okay?!
JAY
I mean it's going to be okay!
EDGAR
Don't bet on it, meat sack.
And with that he turns, leaps --
-- and CRASHES right through the window, into the air shaft.
EXT. MORGUE (SIDE STREET) - DUSK
EDGAR, still clutching LAUREL, EXPLODES up over a railing.
Nobody looks twice as Edgar, dragging Laurel (with his arm over her
mouth), races toward the nearby busy Manhattan Street.
INT. MORGUE - AIR SHAFT - DUSK
Jay and Kay duck into the air shaft and look up -- too far to climb, and
the walls are smooth anyway.
KAY
Damn it!
They turn and run out of the morgue.
EXT. THE NEARBY BUSY MANHATTAN STREET - DUSK
EDGAR, with LAUREL, RUNS right in front of a CAB, which screeches to a
halt inches from them. The CABBIE sticks his head out and YELLS something
in an unknown language. And KEEPS yelling as --
Edgar reaches through the passenger side and pulls the Cabbie out the door
(cigarette and wooden seat-beads and all).
The Cab Driver is still yelling as Edgar leaps in, pushing Laurel in
before him, leaving her behind the wheel.
He removes a POSTCARD -- the one he took from the display on the
newsstand.
EDGAR
Take me here.
LAUREL
What???
Edgar just cranks the car into gear -- opening his mouth and swallowing
the icon -- and in so doing revealing a TRIPLE ROW OF SERRATED BUG-TEETH,
he SLAMS HIS FOOT on the gas pedal.
Laurel's head snaps back as the car rocks forward. She has no choice, but
to grab the wheel and start steering as --
The car screeches out into traffic, swerving wildly as Laurel is forced to
make a 90-degree turn. The car fishtails wildly, swiping an oncoming car
as it straightens and heads into the traffic.
The furious Cab Driver runs off after it, still yelling as he disappears
around the corner.
A second later, KAY and JAY rush out into the street. The cab is nowhere
to be seen. Jay runs into the street, noticing the wooden beads, the
ripped pine-scented green deodorizer, and the still-burning cigarette.
JAY
They're in a cab.
And Jay starts running down the street, where DOZENS of cabs are waiting
at the intersection. He's running from cab to cab, pounding on windows,
scaring the living shit out of people --
JAY
Hey! Laurel!? Hey!
-- but Laurel and Edgar are nowhere to be found. Up ahead the light turns
green and the tide of taxis wash away, leaving Jay on the street. He turns
as a car screeches up behind him, its headlights shining in his eyes. As
it gets closer, Jay sees it's Kay in the LTD.
KAY
Stop wasting time. He's not getting off the
planet in a cab.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
Jay and Kay rush in from the door under the World's Fair mural, and head
toward the main display screen; all around them, the MIB staffers are in
frenetic activity in response to the threat from above.
KAY
(to tech at a desk)
Come with me. Put up a bio-net all the way
around Manhattan; if it's not human, it's
not leaving the island.
KAY (CONT'D)
What've we got from our friends upstairs?
ZED
Same thing: "Deliver the galaxy."
KAY
Yeah, well the bug's got the galaxy, but
we've got his ship. He's got to be looking
for a way out.
Just then, a loud ALARM wails.
AT THE MAIN VIEWING SCREEN, A GREEN LINE shoots out from the Arquillian
ship, striking a region of planet earth.
INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
-- headquarters, where every bell, whistle and light imaginable is going
off.
JAY
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY SHOOTING AT US FOR?!
ZED
Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get
an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we
have a galactic standard week to respond.
JAY
A galactic standard week? How the hell long
is that?
KAY
One hour.
JAY
One hour?
Viewing the screen, it now reads:
MIB
DELIVER THE GALAXY
OR THE EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED...
SORRY
ZED
To keep the bugs from getting it, the
Arquillians will destroy the galaxy and
whatever planet it's on.
JAY
You're talking about US!
ZED
Sucks, doesn't it?
KAY
Pull up the locations of all land-based
interstellar vehicles.
ZED
They're all gone. Frank the Pug took the
last ship on the planet.
As Kay and Zed watch as the machine scrolls through the data, Jay walks
back towards the center of the room, deep in thought. Over him we hear:
KAY
Atlantic City?
ZED
Gone.
KAY
That landfill on the Jersey Shore?
ZED
Gone.
JAY
Uh, gentlemen.
KAY
Epcot?
ZED
Gone.
KAY
Miami Beach?
ZED
Gone.
JAY
Fellas.
KAY
Hartford?
ZED
Gone, thank God.
JAY
Hey. Old guys.
Kay and Zed both look up at once, scowling.
JAY (CONT'D)
Do those still work?
They follow his gaze, up, over the computer terminals. There, on the wall
in front of them, where it has loomed for the entire movie, is the
enormous mural of the 1964 World's Fair grounds. Most prominent in the
mural are two tall towers that rise dramatically from the ground, topped
by --
-- the two flying saucers from the very first alien contact. As they stand
there, wide-eyed, staring at it, we --
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
-- the real-live twin towers on the actual fairgrounds in Flushing
Meadows. A taxi SCREECHES to a halt at the edge of a fence a hundred yards
away. EDGAR shoves LAUREL out through the driver's door and follows behind
her, still holding his weapon on her.
EDGAR
You're coming with me.
LAUREL
What?! Why?!
EDGAR
It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.
And he shoves her ahead of him, off in the direction of the space ships.
Behind him, abandoned on the front seat of the cab, we finally see the
front of the postcard he's been carrying around. "FLUSHING MEADOWS, SITE
OF THE 1964 WORLD'S FAIR," it says, with a distinctive photograph of the
spaceships.
So that's how he knew.
CUT TO:
EXT. COLUMBUS CIRCLE - NIGHT
Nighttime now, and the city hums along, just another Thursday night. The
clock in Columbus Circle says it's 7:45.
EXT. SIXTH AVENUE - NIGHT
TVs in the window of an appliance store show a rerun of "Cheers." PEOPLE
laugh.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT
The news ticker in Times Square announces the latest shattering news:
RAIN LIKELY -- TEMPS DROP TO 60'S
EARTHLINGS pass left and right, blissfully unaware of their impending
doom.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING - NIGHT
KAY and JAY leap into Kay's LTD and SLAM the doors. Kay jams the key in
the ignition, the car ROARS to life, and he turns to Jay.
KAY
Whaddya say we bag us some bug?
He hits the gas and the car ROCKETS away from the curb.
EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT
The LTD tears through the city.
INT. MIB LTD - TRAVELING - NIGHT
Kay turns sharply to the right, SMACKING Jay around. Looking up ahead, he
sees the entrance to the midtown tunnel.
JAY
You're taking the tunnel?!
KAY
You know a better way to Queens?
JAY
It's usually jammed?!
EXT. MIDTOWN TUNNEL - NIGHT
The LTD races through the tunnel at top speed. It's clear driving for a
few seconds, but then they round a bend --
-- and there's a traffic jam up ahead.
INT. MIB LTD - TRAVELING - NIGHT
Kay approaches the line of cars at top speed, with no intention of slowing
down. Jay, terrified, holds on for dear life.
JAY
I told you!
KAY
Jay. The button?
JAY
Yeah?!
KAY
Push the button, Jay.
A LIGHTED PANEL rotates into place between the two front seats, and that
red button flashes underneath its plastic shield again. Jay flips back the
plastic cover and JAMS his finger down on the red flashing button.
KAY (CONT'D)
And you may want to throw on a seat belt.
EXT. MIDTOWN TUNNEL - MIB LTD - NIGHT
As the LTD rockets toward the traffic jam up ahead, it begins to evolve,
its shape actually changing. The sides and back extend as some sort of
endoskeleton pushes the "normal" panels out. It becomes a larger, wirier
machine, held together by an elaborate series of mechanical muscles and
metallic tendons.
Kay's car hurtles toward certain death in the traffic jam, but at the last
possible moment it swerves off to the side, a SUCKING SOUND coming from
underneath it.
Instead of banging off the wall of the tunnel, the LTD actually clings to
it. It swerves up, onto the wall and hangs there, racing by the traffic
below.
It keeps going, turning all the way over and driving upside down, wheels
clinging to the roof of the tunnel.
INT. MIB LTD - TRAVELING - NIGHT
Jay falls from his seat with a CLUNK, onto the upside down ceiling of the
car. Balled up on the back of his neck, he peers out the window as they
tear through the tunnel, ZOOMING over the bottlenecked traffic underneath.
As they race through the tunnel, they have a minute to kill.
KAY
Mind if I smoke?
JAY
What?!?
KAY
In the car, I mean.
JAY
I don't care!!
KAY
Hey, just a common courtesy. It bothers
some people if you smoke in a car.
He lights a cigarette and blows the smoke out leisurely, one hand on the
wheel, just waiting out the tunnel. Jay gives up struggling to right
himself and closes his eyes, suffering through this.
EXT. MIB LTD - TRAVELING - NIGHT
From outside the car, we watch it rocket along on the roof of the tunnel.
We can hear KAY'S VOICE as he goes on. And on.
KAY
Yeah, it's harder and harder to smoke
anywhere these days. Hell, I suppose I
should quit. I've tried. Never took,
though. I'm beginning to think I lack
self-control.
And they disappear out the other end of the tunnel --
INT. MIB LTD - TRAVELING - NIGHT
-- and flip over, BANGING back down onto the road on the other side. Jay
falls off the ceiling and SLAMS into his seat.
KAY
Well, back to work.
He flips his cigarette out the window and cranks the wheel to the left.
EXT. MIDTOWN TUNNEL - TOLL BOOTH - NIGHT
Approaching a toll booth, the LTD shoots across nine lanes of traffic and
through the only open booth, SHATTERING the gate. Traveling at about two
hundred miles an hour, Kay nonchalantly flips a token out the window --
-- and it CHINKS in the basket as their taillights disappear.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - LANDING TOWER - NIGHT
EDGAR climbs the outside of the landing tower of one of the space ships,
pushing LAUREL up ahead of him, headed for the saucer at the top.
LAUREL
Come on, let me go, you don't want to eat
me. I'm a very important person on my
planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even.
There are those who worship me, yes. I'm
not trying to impress you with this, I'm
just letting you know. It could start a
war.
EDGAR
Good. War means food for my family, all
seventy-eight million of them. That's a lot
of mouths to feed, your highness.
LAUREL
You're a wonderful dad.
And with that she KICKS him squarely in the face. He reels, momentarily
losing his grip on her. She takes advantage of the moment and FLINGS
HERSELF out, into the air.
Edgar flails, but she is beyond his reach. She falls, tumbling through the
air --
-- and lands in the branches of a tree. She hits hard, the branches
rattling, and reaches out and hangs on for dear life, high above the
ground.
Above, Edgar just keeps climbing.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
Over at the fence, the LTD comes to a looooong, skidding stop at the
fairgrounds.
AT THE TRUNK, JAY and KAY flip open the trunk and scarf up whatever
weapons look most dangerous. Kay grabs a black box, UNSNAPS a row of
latches, and opens it, revealing --
-- the most wicked-looking shotgun on the planet.
Three feet long, triple-barreled, over and under and under, plus a pump
action reloader on top of a storage clip for a dozen more shells. The
shells themselves are solid, glistening like polished steel. Kay loads up
the clip.
JAY
You know how to work that?
Kay pumps it once, with extreme confidence.
KAY
No idea whatsoever.
He SLAMS the trunk, revealing the flying saucers sitting atop their
columns in the distance.
KAY (CONT'D)
Let's bag us some bug.
As if on cue, one of the saucers begins to HUM. Then it starts to spin,
faster and faster. The ship begins to rise.
JAY
Oh, shit.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - TREE - NIGHT
Laurel sits in her tree, watching with amazement.
EXT. SHEA STADIUM - NIGHT
At Shea Stadium, a Mets game is in progress. Behind the home plate side,
the flying saucer silently rises up in the night sky, plainly visible.
But at that very moment, the batter CRACKS into a fastball, hard. The
crowd rises to its feet, SHOUTING, staring out at center field, where the
ball is headed.
All eyes in the house are on the Mets' CENTER FIELDER, except for his
eyes, which are on the flying saucer behind home plate. His eyes widen,
his jaw drops --
-- and the catchable ball sails over his head, THUDDING into the wall
behind him. The crowd BOOS viciously.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
Kay raises the weapon he took from the trunk; looks over at Jay.
KAY
Set it to pulsar level five, sub-sonic
implosion factor --
JAY
What?
KAY
Press the little green button, on three.
Jay raises his weapon; they press their green buttons.
KAY (CONT'D)
One...two...
They pull their triggers.
For a moment, nothing happens, as if it were a misfire. But then, there is
a VACUUM WHUMP, like all the air in the immediate area being sucked into a
space the size of a dime, and a tremendous shock wave rolls out from the
barrel of the guns.
Jay and Kay are sucked to the ground by the bizarre force, THUDDING to
their stomachs like magnets to a refrigerator.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
The shock waves wrinkle across the open space between them and the ship,
then it HITS the ship --
-- and it too is sucked back down. Hurtling back toward them.
EXT. LAUREL'S TREE - NIGHT
She flinches as the flying saucer shoots overhead.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
The saucer CRASHES through the Unisphere, an enormous steel globe, and
THUDS to the earth, CRASHING through brush, dirt and rock...
Jay and Kay come to their feet...
In front of them, the dust clears... Trees uprooted, stones and dirt
thrown everywhere...a dumpster has been cast to their left...
And the saucer is there, embedded in the earth, tipped off-kilter in a
mound of debris...
A hatch comes up...revealing Edgar, walking slowly toward them, with
contained fury.
EDGAR
You don't get it. I've won. It's over.
KAY
You are under arrest for violating number
4-1-53 of the Tycho accord. Please hand
over any galaxy you might be carrying.
EDGAR
You milk-suckers! You don't matter! In a
few seconds you won't even be matter!
KAY
Move away from the vehicle and put your
hands on your head.
He pumps the gun for emphasis.
EDGAR
Put my hands on my head?
Edgar stares at him. Then flexes his arms, still encased in flesh. His
giant pincers RIP free of the rotting skin.
He extends both pincers to the sides, and, my God, his reach must be
twelve feet across.
Now the skin and clothes on Edgar's legs begins to CRACK and SHRED. They
BURST APART, revealing two hideous, doubled-over insect legs. The bug
raises himself aloft on his legs.
He sucks in a deep breath of air, and now the rest of the Edgar suit goes
the way of the arms and legs. The torso EXPLODES in great rendering of
cloth and skin, and finally
Edgar's head simply BURSTS apart, SPATTERING against the walls. Edgar now
reveals himself as he really is: a hairy, bug-like exoskeleton, a scaly
tail with a long stinger, a head like a cobra with elliptical eyes and a
small nose, and two horse-like feet with three toes each.
He raises his pincers in the air, resting them on his head. The GALAXY
hangs on a chain around his neck.
BUG
Like this?
Kay and Jay pump their guns and aim at the Bug.
Suddenly the Bug SPITS. And a HUGE, SLIMY WAD OF GOO shoots from him and
engulfs both shotguns. The Bug snorts it back, tearing them from Jay and
Kay's grasp, then swallowing them.
Jay and Kay have only a second to react before --
The Bug SWIPES at them with the back of his clawed hand, like someone
brushing aside a gnat -- and SENDS THEM FLYING FIFTEEN FEET IN THE AIR.
EXT. LAUREL'S TREE - NIGHT
She flinches as she sees them hit the ground. She starts to climb the
tree.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
Jay and Kay hit the ground with loud grunts.
JAY
That did not go at all like I had planned.
They look up to see the Bug moving for the second tower -- and the second
flying saucer. Kay gets to his feet.
KAY
This guy's really starting to bug me.
Kay starts walking after the Bug.
KAY
Whatever happens, Jay, don't let him get on
that ship.
JAY
Where are you going?
KAY
Getting my gun back.
JAY
What!?
Kay steps forward and yells at the departing Bug.
KAY (CONT'D)
Hey, Bug!
The Bug just keeps moving toward the ladder.
KAY (CONT'D)
I'm talking to you, Bug! You know how many
of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper?
The Bug turns toward Kay. Kay steps up to him, the small human facing off
against the giant alien hug.
EXT. LAUREL'S TREE - NIGHT
She quietly makes it to the ground -- hurries off to the darkness of the
woods.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - ON KAY AND THE BUG - NIGHT
Kay has himself in the Bug's face, its dripping fangs inches from Kay's
face.
KAY
You're just a smear on the sports page to
me, you slimy, gut-sucking, intestinal
parasite! Eat me!
The Bug reacts -- cranks open its massive jaws with a deafening HISS,
lunges forward, and sucks Kay into his mouth.
The Bug straightens up to its full height and throws his head back. Kay
slides down the Bug's throat, bending it sideways as he kicks and SCREAMS
his way down into its abdomen.
JAY looks on, in stunned horror...
AS THE BUG TURNS TO JAY AND STRETCHES TO ITS FULL HEIGHT and lets loose a
HIDEOUS SCREAMING HOWL OF TRIUMPH.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Laurel is still watching.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - ON JAY AND THE BUG - NIGHT
Jay watches as the Bug continues its HOWL OF TRIUMPH...He feels totally
defeated. But...
He can hardly believe his eyes as he looks down at the Bug's stomach...
CLOSE ON BUG'S STOMACH. Through the leathery pouch of the Bug's stomach,
we can just make out the distended outline of the two atomizers...and just
a few inches from it, a HUMAN HAND is reaching toward the gun... KAY!
INT. BUG - NIGHT
Kay, swimming in the Bug's intestinal fluid, tries to make his way to the
gun, Holding his breath. Eyes stinging.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
Jay knows what he has to do. He picks up a good-sized chunk of concrete
dislodged by the crashing saucer and hurls it at the Bug.
JAY
Hey! Come over here and try that!
The concrete THUNKS off the Bug's shell -- he doesn't seem to notice; just
keeps moving.
Jay picks up a twisted metal pole and runs at the Bug.
JAY
Stop right there, or I'll start wailing on
your waxy, pointed ass!
Jay starts pounding on the Bug with the metal pole.
INT. BUG - NIGHT
Kay almost has his fingers around the stock of the gun -- The POUNDING on
the outside distracts him and he turns -- the gun shifts away.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
The Bug grabs the metal pole and yanks it out of Jay's hands. He swings at
Jay -- Jay dodges the blow and falls to the grass.
The Bug slices down with razor-sharp claws at Jay --
-- Jay rolls out of the way, just as the mean-looking claws dig into the
grass.
Jay rolls right underneath the Bug's legs. His hand falls on something in
the grass -- another piece of debris, a sharp metal spike, gleaming like a
dagger. He grabs the metal spike and looks up at the Bug's apparently
vulnerable underbelly, right above him.
He grabs the spike with both hands and is about to thrust the spike up,
into the Bug's gut, when;
The Bug bends its head down between its legs.
BUG'S POV of Jay there, upside-down from this perspective, lurking between
the Bug's legs.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
The Bug opens its jaws and SNAPS at Jay -- who propels himself backward
out of harm's way.
The Bug starts climbing the tower. Jay howls in frustration.
JAY
What are you, afraid of me? Come on! Stand
and fight like an arthropod!
In frustration, Jay screams and throws himself on the Bug, hanging onto
its back, trying to drag it down.
JAY (CONT'D)
You want a piece of this, huh?! Maybe
you're a badass in your hive, but this is
New York City. You're just another tourist
here!
The Bug flicks him off with his tail -- sending him SAILING twenty feet
through the air.
Jay CRASHES into the dumpster, landing on a heap in front of the garbage.
But, scratched and beat-up, Jay still doesn't quit -- he stands to yell at
the Bug, extending his arm at the creature.
JAY
You're messing with the wrong species, Bug --
He notices something on his arm...a cockroach running down his sleeve. He
flicks it off...
Looks down at the ground...sees another roach...looks over to the dumpster
behind him...there are more of them...a whole mob, in fact...fifty or
sixty of the critters, climbing out of a rusted hole in the dumpster...
Jay has one last desperate idea...He kicks at the dumpster -- part of the
side is rusted paper thin and it kicks apart and crumbles to pieces.
TENS OF THOUSANDS OF ROACHES pouring forth from the dumpster, crawling
like a black glittering river, away from the garbage...
Jay leaps to his feet and moves to the glistening mob of insects...
JAY
Hey, Bug!
CLOSE ON JAY'S FOOT as he steps on the roach. CRUNCH.
ON THE BUG as he flinches on the ladder -- he hates that sound.
ON JAY. He smiles.
JAY (CONT'D)
If I'm not mistaken, that was a cousin of
yours.
He knows he's getting to him. He steps toward the Bug -- moving his foot
over another roach.
CRUNCH! He crushes another one.
JAY (CONT'D)
Whoa! That had to hurt. And, what d'you
know, here's your old Uncle Bob!
He steps forward again -- CRUNCH!
ON THE BUG. He turns around, anger burning in his eyes.
INT. BUG - NIGHT
Kay's hand reaches closer and closer to the gun...
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - ON JAY - NIGHT
Jay keeps moving toward the Bug, finding new roaches to tread on -- holds
his foot over another one.
JAY
What's that? Can you hear what he's saying?
'Help me! Help me!'
CRUNCH. [ON] THE BUG as he starts climbing down the tower and moving
toward Jay.
ON JAY. They are moving toward each other in a show down -- Jay moves on,
poising his foot over another roach.
JAY
Ooh! There's a pretty one. That one looks
kinda familiar, don't you think? I know who
that is!
The Bug is right over Jay now, jaws dripping ready to gobble him up.
BUG
Don't do that!
Jay stares right back at the Bug. Inside, he sees Kay's hand, closing
around the trigger of the shotgun. He brings it around, pointing up,
straight at the Bug's head.
JAY
That's your Momma!
He moves to CRUNCH the roach -- The Bug moves to chomp Jay -- Jay stares
up at him, unflinching...
JAY (CONT'D)
Didn't she ever teach you not to bite off
more than you can chew?
and at that very moment...
Kay BLASTS a hole right in the middle of the Bug's midsection. The front
of the Bug's thorax EXPLODES in a shower of bug juice all over Jay.
The Bug flies into two pieces -- the butt end sailing one way; the head
flying behind Jay.
Kay falls out of the Bug, in a mess of goo, gasping for breath, dropping
the atomizer from his slippery fingers.
The other gun sails off into the darkness.
The ICON drops to the ground, rolls over to Jay's feet, and CLATTERS to
rest like a silver dollar on a barroom floor.
He calmly bends down and picks it up. Jay is pissed and starts in on Kay.
JAY
You son of a --
Kay holds up a finger in a 'wait a minute' gesture -- pulls out his pocket
phone and hits a number.
KAY
Zed. Get a message to the Arquillians. We
have the galaxy.
INT. MIB HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
Zed is standing at the console, a smile on his face. He glances over at
the console that displays alien arrivals and departures on the earth. The
red lights are coming back on.
ZED
I think the word's already out. Our friends
are coming back.
(then)
Got an authorized landing at Times Square.
You and Jay check it out on the way back...
And pick me up one of those soft pretzels,
while you're at it. Extra salt. I feel like
celebrating.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT
Kay flips the phone closed.
KAY
You were saying?
JAY
Getting eaten!? That was your plan!?
KAY
(shrugs)
Worked.
As they argue, behind them, unseen, THE FRONT HALF OF THE BUG RAISES
ITSELF UP on its forearms, eyes gleaming with hate, jaws dripping -- ready
to lower itself onto Kay and Jay.
JAY
After I got the shit beat out of me!
KAY
And I almost got digested. It goes with the
job.
JAY
You coulda told me what you were doing.
KAY
There wasn't time, sport!
HISSS! The Bug attacks, swinging its head down on them. They turn to see
it, and just before the jaws snap down on their heads...
BOOM! The Bug's head explodes into a million bits. Bug juice showers down
everywhere, bucketsful of goo drenching Kay and Jay even further.
They turn to see...
LAUREL standing behind the dead Bug, the other atomizer in her hands, the
barrel smoking, the weapon and Laurel dripping the Bug innards.
LAUREL
Interesting job you guys got.
ON THE SKY. Bits of Bug juice still flying through the air.
INT. A CAR ON THE ADJOINING FREEWAY - NIGHT
The driver sees something tumbling toward the windshield. He winces.
-- AND THE BUG'S REMAINS SPLAT AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD.
The driver grimaces at the mess.
DRIVER
Damn bugs.
He reaches down and hits a button. Wiper fluid squirts onto the windshield
and the wipers spread the bug goo everywhere.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING - NIGHT
Kay's LTD is parked outside Men in Black headquarters. LAUREL leans her
back against the car. We see JAY and KAY walking away in the distance.
JAY
Look, I know we got rules, but she did just
bust the Bug for us. And so maybe you
don't have to flashy thing her.
Kay pulls out the neuralyzer.
JAY
Who's she gonna tell, anyway? She only
hangs out with dead people.
KAY
Not her. Me.
(looking up at the sky)
They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars.
I never just look anymore and they're
beautiful.
JAY
Kay, you're scaring your partner.
KAY
I haven't been training a partner -- I've
been training a replacement.
JAY
Oh no, I can't do this job by myself.
LAUREL
(walking towards them)
Hey, guys, we're nowhere near my apartment.
We're not even on the right island.
KAY
Maybe you won't have to.
Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer.
KAY
Days. Months. Years. Always face it
forwards.
He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put
his glasses on. Jay resists.
KAY
I've just been down the gullet of an
interstellar cockroach. That's one of a
hundred memories I don't want.
Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses.
KAY
See you around, sport.
Jay raises the neuralyzer. With a brilliant FLASH, the screen turns white.
JAY
No, you won't.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY
CLOSE ON various tabloid headlines as a hand flicks through them. Here's
one:
Mets' Centerfielder Says:
"UFO MADE ME MISS HOME RUN BALL!"
And here's another one:
DETROIT HAS CAR THAT DEFIES GRAVITY!
Secret Tests in N.Y.'s Tunnel
And a third:
MAN AWAKENS FROM 30-YEAR COMA
Returns to Girl He Left Behind
A large photograph shows a smiling KAY, arm-in-arm with ELIZABETH RESTON,
his long-lost fiancee, in her back yard in Tempe, Arizona.
She holds a large bouquet of flowers, the same kind he brought but never
gave her thirty years ago.
JAY, who's reading the paper, smiles.
AT THE CURB, Jay hurries back to the LTD with the newspapers. ELLE,
(formerly Laurel), is waiting, leaning against the hood. Tailored black
suit. Black shoes. Short-cropped hair. The look never looked better.
ELLE
Zed called. The High Consulate of Regent-9
emissary wants floor seats to the Knicks --
Bulls game.
JAY
I'll talk to Dennis Rodman, it's his damn
planet.
ELLE
Let's roll.
Both car doors SLAM, Jay drops it in gear, and the LTD BLASTS away from
the curb.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY BLOCK - DAY
The LTD is just one of many cars in a jam-packed Manhattan city block.
FROM UP IN THE CLOUDS
Manhattan itself is just part of a much larger urban and suburban sprawl.
FROM THE STRATOSPHERE
The east coast of the United States is just part of a much larger land
mass.
FROM THE EOSPHERE
North America is just a small portion of the planet Earth.
FROM SPACE
Earth is just a tiny ball in our solar system.
FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE MILKY WAY
Our solar system is just a few blips of light in a vast star field.
FROM OUTSIDE OUR GALAXY
The Milky Way is just a creamy spiral amid innumerable other creamy
spirals.
FROM THE OUTER REACHES OF THE UNIVERSE
There seems to be an edge to what we see, a curved border that seems to
close in on things around the perimeters, until everything that exists
seems to be contained in one tiny ball --
-- which is actually a marble resting on a strange-looking patch of red
dirt.
An ALIEN HAND reaches down and flicks the marble, sending it skittering
and bouncing across the dirt, where it CLICKS into a dozen other big blue
balls just like it.
FADE OUT.
