MEN IN BLACK 3
Written by
Etan Cohen & Lowell Cunningham
CLOSE ON A PAIR OF MIRROR AVIATOR SUNGLASSES
Standard issue throughout the south to abusive, racist prison
guards.
Widen to reveal that, indeed, these glasses are on the
sneering face of just such a man.
We follow the guard
DOWN A DINGY PRISON HALLWAY
Paint peeling off the rusty bars. Somewhere, someone is
playing harmonica. Prisoners yell complaints as he passes.
He meets them all with--
GUARD
Shut up, convict! Get yer hands
off the bars!
The guard passes through several levels of security doors,
deeper and deeper into the more secure bowels of the prison --
home of the scum of the scum.
Meanwhile...
PRISON VISITING ROOM
The lazy-ass guards in charge of screening visitors read
magazines, watch TV. Footsteps -- someone's here. Which
pisses them off, because that means they actually have to do
their jobs.
The unseen visitor buzzes for help. They take their time
getting off their asses. When they finally look up, their
gaze becomes a leer. Follow it to:
DEVIL GIRL, the visitor. Too tall, too muscled, but hot if
you're into that kind of thing -- an R. Crumb drawing come to
life.
She holds a CAKE -- the cutest, perfectly-frosted pink cake
right off the cover of the Betty Crocker cookbook.
GUARD 2
Lookie here. Yaz's visitor. I
guess even a turd gets flies to
land on it.
GUARD 3
Me, I like a big girl.
2.
They smirk, hoping for a reaction. Devil girl emits a low,
sinister growl like an angry Doberman... The guards look at
each other and GET DOWN TO BUSINESS:
GUARD 2
I.D., visitation papers.
BACK DOWN THE HALLWAY WITH THE GUARD
He reaches the end of the hallway. The biggest, most
absurdly-reinforced double security door. He punches in a
code.
The giant door retracts -- its immense weight has it
squeaking and groaning the whole way. Whoever's behind this
thing must've done something REAL bad.
WITH DEVIL GIRL
Going through the metal detectors, waved over with security
wands. The guards are being thorough. Maybe more thorough
than they need to be. They check everything -- even the
cake. The digital readout tells them NO METAL DETECTED.
GUARD 3
She's clean. Well, not CLEAN, but
you know.
They laugh, buzz her through.
WITH THE GUARD
The giant door finally opens, he continues to the end of the
hallway. Stops in front of a cell. Yells in:
GUARD
Hey, Yaz! You got a visitor.
Let's go, pretty boy.
VISITING ROOM
Spare. Just a table and chairs in the middle -- poured
concrete. Nothing a convict could, say, smash into the face
of a guard.
The perimeter of the room is lined with armed guards -- looks
like they're not taking chances.
3.
At the lone table -- Devil Girl waits with her cake. She
hears the door open -- her face lights up as IN STEPS HER
BELOVED --
YAZ, an evil hippie/biker badass right out of Easy Rider. A
huge mane of hair, a big handlebar moustache that frames a
grubby unshaven face...
Everything about him seems strangely independently alive --
every strand of hair, every fringe on his dirty jacket -- the
way Elvis was in his prime.
He wears a distinctive SKULL PINKIE RING. A smirk plays on
his mouth that says -- I'm smarter than you, asshole.
The guards escort Yaz, who can barely walk in his CHAINS and
MANACLES. They dump him into one of the chairs. Devil Girl
jumps up, they lock in a kiss -- it goes on too long.
A guard pokes them with his billy club --
GUARD 2
This ain't a conjugal visit.
quit yer conjugating.
YAZ
When's the last time you conjugated
anything?
DEVIL GIRL
I brought you a cake.
YAZ
Thanks, darling.
(TO GUARDS)
Hey could you cut this up for us?
It's our anniversary. I'm romantic
like that.
A guard picks up the cake. Smirks and takes a dirty three-
fingered scoop of frosting.
GUARD 2
(MOUTH FULL)
Not great. She must.be good at
somethin' else.
They all LAUGH. He goes back for another scoop.
YAZ
I wouldn't do that.
GUARD 2
Why's that, convict?
4.
GUARD POV:
Where he scraped away the frosting, REVEAL A HORRIBLE ALIEN
MOUTH
GUARD 2 (CONT'D)
WHAT TH--
But in a flash, the mouth SPRINGS OUT -- IT BELONGS TO A
VORACIOUS ALIEN -- another springs out behind it -- they
consume the guard's entire face.
YAZ
That's why.
The aliens jump into Yaz's hands like a matching pair of
grotesque ORGANIC SIDEARMS -- as vicious and bloodthirsty as
their master, snarling and hungry for blood.
The guards draw their weapons, but YAZ IS FASTER.-- he
launches his aliens, taking them all out.
Yaz "holsters" the aliens and...
THE PRISON BREAK IS ON!!
One guard, badly wounded, crawls to SOUND THE ALARM
In the reflection of a pair of blood-spattered aviator
glasses -- Devil Girl puts the guard down with his own
weapon.
She uses one of the cake-aliens like a saw to get Yaz out of
his chains.
YAZ
There's nothing sexier than a girl
killing for me.
She runs a hand over his bicep.
DEVIL GIRL
You got so strong in prison.
Yaz notices the almost-dead guard:
YAZ
I'm not just a man of brute force,
you know. I prefer to be known for
my rapier wit--
His tongue SHOOTS OUT OF HIS MOUTH -- like a rapier --
impaling the guard--
5.
YAZ (CONT'D)
--and tongue.
The tongue retracts -- he and Devil Girl KISS.
They collect weapons off the guards and use the aliens to saw
open the door.
YAZ AND DEVIL GIRL ESCAPE
Prisoners go nuts, guards scramble -- smoke, screaming,
chaos.
Yaz and Devil Girl, armed with weapons they took off the dead
guards, BLAST THEIR WAY OUT.
He's a sociopathic badass... and she's no slouch either.
Along the way, Yaz shoots the door off the armory and grabs
an armload of weapons -- Shotguns, pistols, and a Rocket-
Propelled grenade (RPG).
He uses and discards them as he goes.
They head for the front gate and FREEDOM...
But..
They turn the corner and find 50 GUARDS in FULL RIOT GEAR --
Plexiglass shields, helmets, shotguns -- all aimed at Yaz.
All Yaz has left is his RPG.
GUARD ON MEGAPHONE
Give it up, Yaz! There's no way
out!
A beat of stand-off -- Yaz and Devil girl facing off against
the 50 Guards... No one blinking...
Prisoners. watching... what's gonna go down?
GUARD
You can't win. You've only got one
shot in there!
Yaz lets the tension linger -- he seems to enjoy it. The
guards SWELTER in their heavy riot gear.
YAZ
You look hot. Mind if I open a
window?
6.
The guards share a look - huh?? Yaz grins, turns his RPG
towards the wall behind the guards. The guards' faces go
WIDE WITH TERROR.
GUARD
Hey! Whoa! What are you doing?
Don't do that!
SLAM!
Yaz blasts a hole in the wall -- the guards are IMMEDIATELY
SUCKED OUT like from a hole blown in an airplane.
What the...?
Yaz steps through the hole.
ON YAZ
As he and Devil girl step through the hole, take a deep,
satisfied breath of FREEDOM.
Reveal we are on...
THE SURFACE OF THE MOON
The signage on the prison reads INTERGALACTIC DEPARTMENT OF
CORRECTIONS, LUNAR DIVISION
Yaz looks up at the BLUE MARBLE OF EARTH, smiles.
As Yaz fixes his gaze on our planet, his hair, his fringes
INDEPENDENTLY ARTICULATE YAZ'S MALEVOLENT EMOTIONS... they
also seem drawn here. Like bees, they express a collective
intelligence.
YAZ
I'm coming for you...
Following Yaz's gaze to the Earth, we launch into...
CREDITS
MiB credits fly us through the Galaxy.
Ending on a PARTICULARLY INHOSPITABLE LOOKING PLANET
As it revolves, we observe its strange craters and surface,
where steaming fissures belch geysers of noxious gases...
7
KAY'S VOICE (V.0.)
When you really think about it, the
universe is a pretty awful place.
Full of danger, brutality, and ten
million kinds of scum. So the
trick is to find one or two things
that make life in this cesspool
worth living.
And reveal we are actually looking at...
PEKING DUCK
Rotating on a spit.
JAY and KAY watch this awful duck rotate.
JAY
That? That nasty, greasy thing
makes your life worth living?
There's people eating here, younger
than that duck.
KAY
I was talking about the noodles.
Best noodles in town.
And we are in
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - CHINATOWN, NYC - NIGHT
Tanks everywhere filled with strange fish. An eclectic NY
crowd eats -- Wall Street guys, hipsters, a Chinese family or
two, a couple of NYU professor types who love the
"authenticity" of this place.
KAY flashes a badge to the OWNER, Chinese.
KAY
Good evening, Mr. Wu.
MR. WU
(heavily accented, barely
INTELLIGIBLE)
Kay, Jay... So happy see you... Mr.
Wu get you regular table...
KAY
Not so fast, Wu. We'd like to take
a look in the tanks.
8
MR. WU
Yes, you see, very fresh.
JAY
The tanks in the back, Wu.
MR. WU
Oh... so sorry... please no
English, you come back later...
JAY
Hey, save the chop socky bullshit
for the locals, Wu. We need to see
the kitchen.
MR. WU
(PERFECT ENGLISH)
Why are you busting my balls, Jay?
KAY (O.S.)
Jay, take a look at this.
Wu protests, Jay blows by him.
THE KITCHEN
KAY
So this is what you're passing off
as tuna?
Reveal a giant tank holding a HUGE ALIEN FISH.
JAY
Wow, I didn't think there was
anything uglier than a catfish.
Jay taps on the glass -- the fish SNARLS, making Jay JUMP.
KAY
Ugly AND a clear violation of
Health ordinance 32, selling
UNLICENSED EXTRATERRESTRIAL
foodstuffs.
MR. WU
That's an earth fish. Very
traditional from China. You arrest
me, that's hate crime.
They turn their stares on him.
9.
KAY
I guess it would be.
(grabbing Wu's apron)
If you were Chinese!
Reveal -- from the waist down, Wu has the BODY OF A SLUG.
MR. WU
C'mon, I got larvae to feed. And
earth fish is so expensive. This
is the only way I could stay
afloat.
JAY
Look, Wu. You can serve it to
your... out of town guests, but
locals get earth fish. REAL earth
fish. The kind that doesn't jump
out of their stomach and get
everyone asking a lot of annoying
questions. Like, "Why is my lunch
eating Daddy?" You got it?
(back to the fish)
DAMN, that's ugly.
MR. WU
Yeah, yeah, thanks guys.
KAY
Aren't you forgetting something?
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
Wu walks them to a table, seats them.
MR. WU
(for benefit of customers)
Allow me most honorable benefit of
get you noodles.
(FOR GUYS)
Be right back, guys.
Wu walks off. Jay CLOCKS the other diners.
JAY
Something about this strike you as
weird?
KAY
Yeah, look -- clean fork.
10.
JAY
Look at table two over there. They
haven't ordered a thing. When's
the last time Wu let someone sit at
a table without ordering? And
table five over there just drank
his third cup of duck sauce.
Now Kay's radar is up --
KAY
Come to think of it... Why is Wu
getting our noodles... outside?
JAY
Because it's about to go down.
Wu, at the door, closes the blinds. He catches them looking.
MR. WU
Sorry, guys.
Wu leaves, quickly pulling the door behind, him. The guys
reach for their weapons.
And IT GOES DOWN --
It's a SET-UP, and everyone in the restaurant is in on it --
The hipsters, the families, the wall street guys -- all draw
various forms of ALIEN WEAPONS and ATTACK
It's like a close-quarters Mafia hit -- everyone pumping
truckloads of ordnance at each other. Close hand-to-hand
combat. Someone wants Jay and Kay dead and they're not
taking any chances.
Right ahead of the onslaught, JAY GIVES KAY A HAND SIGNAL --
He nods, and they dive in opposite directions, SAVING
THEMSELVES FROM GETTING HIT.
But not for long...
An explosive lands between them --
Kay gets BLOWN OUT THE FRONT WINDOW, rolls to a stop in the
middle of the
DESERTED STREET
Silhouetted at the top of the block -- a biker on a
motorcycle. As he pulls into the light -- YAZI
11.
Kay's eyes go wide with recognition.
Yaz grins a murderous grin...
YAZ
Some things are worth waiting for.
KAY
Then come get it, you worthless
PIECE OF--
Yaz guns the engine and BEARS DOWN ON KAY.
INSIDE WITH JAY
Getting the worst of it.
A messy battle THROUGH THE KITCHEN.
The Giant fish's tank gets shot -- the FISH IS FREE! And he
goes RIGHT AFTER JAY!
JAY
You probably took that whole
catfish thing the wrong way --
The fish SNARLS AFTER HIM -- lunges and BITES!
JAY (CONT'D)
I was jealous, you know? Because
you're so pretty!
Jay BATTLES THE FISH-- throwing pots and pans in its mouth,
squirting hot sauce -- working like a lion tamer to keep it
AT BAY--
JAY (CONT'D)
Kay! KAY!!! Little help! Little
help!
OUTSIDE WITH KAY
Yaz getting closer. He pulls out a CANNON of a gun, fires
into the air.
YAZ
This time you don't have your
friends to tell you what happens
next.
KAY
Oh, I know what happens next.
12.
Kay draws his EQUALLY BADASS-LOOKING WEAPON --
KAY (CONT'D)
I've been waiting forty years for
another shot at you, scum.
Kay takes aim and... CLICK! Empty.
GUN (V.0.)
Your weapon is empty! Please
recharge!
KAY
Damn!
GUN (V.0.)
Sorry you're having trouble! If
you survive this encounter, please
call customer service at--
Kay throws the gun at Yaz.
Yaz laughs. Gets Kay in his sights.
YAZ
All I wanted was justice, Kay.
Justice for my brothers. But you
had to meddle, didn't you?
KAY
They deserved what they got.
YAZ
Why don't you say that to their
faces when you see them...
Puts the barrel in Kay's face and BOOM!!!
Yaz goes up in a GIANT EXPLOSION!!
Reveal Jay, just fired the shot.
Jay looks like total hell, beaten up, covered with 8 kinds of
slime and alien guts.
He stumbles over to Kay, who in contrast looks perfectly
pressed.
JAY
So I was thinking about making a
chart for each time I save your
ass. And when I do it ten times,
you buy me lunch.
13.
Kay lets out a long, weary sigh.
KAY
Will you settle for a drink?
INT. DESTROYED CHINESE RESTAURANT
Kay reaches behind the counter for a couple of beers. Jay is
on his phone.
JAY
(INTO PHONE)
We're gonna need a cleanup on the
corner of Canal and Mott. And
bring a net. Biggest one you've
got.
Follow Jay's gaze -- the giant fish flops its way down Canal.
Jay and Kay back in their booth, Jay grabs a couple noodles
off another table and starts eating.
Through the scene, various MiB clean-up crew people work the
crime scene.
JAY (CONT'D)
(MOUTH FULL)
Why aren't you eating?
(GETS NOTHING)
So what the hell was that guy?
Kay's quiet. Ominously quiet. Weighing his words:
KAY
Yaz. Put him away a long time ago.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
JAY
Why? Was he the wrong guy?
KAY
No. Should've killed him.
JAY
Yeah, well, don't worry, I think I
took care of him.
KAY
That was too easy.
JAY
I make it look easy. That's the
problem with being my partner.
(MORE)
14.
JAY (CONTD)
You get used to my game. It's what
Dr. Phil would call taking for
granted.
KAY
You don't get it, hoss. This guy
is different. Worse than anyone.
He tried to blow up the Earth but I
stopped him. He developed a
dislike for me and for certain
behaviors of mine, such as being
alive.
JAY
C'mon, you know better {than anyone.
What does an MiB agent call it when
12 alien species try to kill him?
Tuesday.
Jay laughs at his own joke. Kay just stares.
KAY
Maybe.
(calling off to cleanup
GUYS)
Make sure you get all of him, I
mean it! He's an assembler!
CLEANUP GUY
Yes, sir, Agent Kay.
JAY
Seriously, man, those noodles'll
kill you before he does. I got
your back.
KAY
I know you do.
Stares at his noodles a while, like there's answers in there:
KAY (CONT'D)
I used to play a game with my
daddy. What would you want for
your last meal. Could do worse
than this.
JAY
Oh, yeah? I used to play a game
with my dad, too. Called catch.
I'd throw the ball, and then it'd
hit the house `cause he WASN'T
THERE.
15.
KAY
Do me a favor, don't badmouth your
old man.
JAY
Hard to badmouth someone you don't
know.
(CHECKS HIMSELF)
Alright, forget it. The past is
the past. And right now we have
something much more important to
talk about. Bowling Night.
KAY
I'm tired.
JAY
Tired? What -- you afraid I'm
gonna take that MVP trophy away
from you?
KAY
Petrified. See you later.
Kay takes a few tired steps and turns back --
KAY (CONT'D)
And slick? Watch yourself. A guy
like Yaz can come after you when
you least expect it. Anywhere,
anytime.
Jay watches Kay walk away. Looks like he's carrying a heavy
load. Turns his attention to the clean up crew:
KAY (CONT'D)
What part of clean up everything
don't you understand? There's a
spleen on that car!
CLEANUP GUY
On it, sir.
DARK ALLEY
A glow of a cigarette illuminates the face of... Devil Girl!
She reaches down. We see -- a finger with the distinctive
Skull, inching its way along the road.
DEVIL GIRL
You okay, baby? Momma's got you.
now.
16.
MIB HQ - LATER THAT NIGHT
Jay at his desk -- papers and folders everywhere -- SEARCHING
FOR SOMETHING.
We see what he's looking through -- KAY'S OLD CASE FILES.
JAY
Yaz... Yaz... Yaz... Where are you,
Yaz...?
And he FINDS IT!
JAY (CONT'D)
Here we go...
Jay opens the YAZ INCIDENT REPORT
INSIDE:
- Pictures of Yaz
- A type-written report telling us YAZ APPREHENDED BY AGENT
KAY... JULY 16, 1969
- Farther down on the page, a CASUALTY REPORT: ONE
CASUALTY... HUMAN DEAD AT THE SCENE...
ZED (O.S.)
Ready to bring the pain?
Reveal Zed in his ridiculous bowling outfit.
BOWLING ALLEY - LATER THAT NIGHT
A sign says: CLOSED FOR LEAGUE NIGHT
We follow a couple normal-looking BOWLERS into
INT. BOWLING ALLEY
Safely inside, the Bowlers remove their heads -- which become
their bowling balls.
It's the LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME -- ALIENS VS. MIB AGENTS
MiB agents and aliens say hi, exchange trash-talk.
We see shots of games in progress:
An alien rolls a ball -- when it gets to the end of the lane,
it sticks out arms, taking down all the pins.
17.
The aliens cheer, slap tentacles, clink beers and swallow
them whole. A many-armed alien re-sets the pins.
A giant alien with perfect dainty form approaches the foul
line... and -- gutter ball! He gets mad and shoots the pins
with his laser-eyes.
We end up with JAY AND THE MIB TEAM, NOT BOWLING BECAUSE
THEY'RE WAITING FOR KAY --
Zed paces, wearing way too much bowling regalia.
ZED
Where's Kay? We either roll or
forfeit -- and I didn't put this on
to forfeit!
JAY
Alright, Bowling Robot, do what we
built you for.
Reveal an incredibly high-tech robot wearing one of those
white trash T-shirts that reads "10 reasons why Bowling is
better than Women."
ROBOT
(ROBOT VOICE)
This is my time to shine.
Robot fires a ball directly down into the floor. An awkward
beat as we hear the ball puncture four floors. Then a car
alarm.
ROBOT (CONT'D)
There goes my perfect game.
(ROBOT LAUGH)
Ha ha ha.
JAY
Guess it's on me.
Jay rolls -- perfect spin -- Jay watches, willing it towards
the pins -- which SCRAMBLE OUT OF THE WAY! But Jay's roll is
too good -- it spins from fleeing pin to fleeing pin -- a
STRIKE!
Jay and his teammates triumphant! The frame of a lifetime!
Jay looks around --
JAY (CONT'D)
Of course -- the one time Kay isn't
here...
18.
MIB HQ - TUNNEL VENT ROOM
Jay enters -- looks a little worse for wear, like somebody
who did some celebrating last night.
We see why -- when he hoists his GIANT, RIDICULOUS MIB
BOWLING TROPHY.
JAY
Check it out--
The trophy raises a triumphant fist -- we realize it is in
fact AN ALIEN.
TROPHY
We're number one! In your face!
Suck it!
JAY
Look who's league MVP.
GUARD
Big surprise, you win every year.
That's weird...
JAY
I... huh?
MIB HQ - HEADQUARTERS
Jay, in a good mood, flaunts his trophy to everyone in the
office. The trophy continues its stream of obnoxious trash
talk.
JAY
Where are you, Kay? I think you
want to see this. It's the bowling
MVP trophy with MY name on it.
Jay works his way to his desk.
Kay's already at his own adjacent desk -- bent over his work,
his back to Jay.
JAY (CONT'D)
Maybe you want to think twice next
time you ditch me.
Kay, absorbed in work, doesn't answer.
JAY (CONT'D)
Kay?
19.
KAY (O.S.)
(back still to camera)
Yeah?
JAY
Yeah, I just wanted to show you
this so I could say--
(SEEING HIM)
Who the hell are YOU???
Reveal -- CLINT EASTWOOD
I'm agent Kay.
JAY
You new around here?
" KAY"
(LAUGHS)
Good one, partner.
JAY
Yeah, okay, but I need the other
Kay. You know, craggy old white
guy... well, DIFFERENT craggy old
white guy.
I got you something.
He hands over a "World's Best Partner" mug --
"KAY" (CONT'D)
Have I told you today how much I
appreciate working together?
JAY
What the HELL is going on here?
Why are you pretending to be Kay?
" KAY FR
You seem upset. Let's go get some
coffee and talk about our feelings.
JAY
How about instead, you go find me
THIS guy?
Jay opens the YAZ file and pulls out a picture of KAY. But
now, splashed across Kay's photo, the words:
KILLED IN ACTION -- JULY 16, 1969
20.
Jay stares at the photo --- in it, we notice Kay is NOW
WEARING A STRANGE MEDALLION
JAY (CONT'D)
Killed? In 1969?
Jay grabs the YAZ FILE -- the one he looked through last
night -- but now everything is different.
We see -- the incident report stating ONE CASUALTY - AGENT
KAY, DEAD AT SCENE...
Jay can't believe it, he keeps reading...
Snatches of the typewritten incident report
The casualty report
ONE CASUALTY... AGENT KAY, DEAD AT SCENE...
A photo of Kay WEARING A STRANGE MEDALLION.
Jay stares, struck by this --
JAY (CONT'D)
Kay's dead? How? Why?
The Men in Black Computer/Big Board sounds the alarm!
COMPUTER (V.0.)
Attention. Inbound missiles
entering solar system! Inbound
missiles entering solar system!
Zed enters, chuckling at the warning:
ZED
Well, must be a Tuesday. Okay,
computer [twins]. Give me a
trajectory and an ETA on those
puppies.
COMPUTER (V.0.)
Running impact simulator...
Everyone watches as we see an animated simulation: the
missiles smash into EARTH...
COMPUTER (V.0.) (CONT'D)
Catastrophic Earth impact imminent.
21.
ZED
Damn. Welp, looks like we're all
done for. Sorry, kid, it's been a
good ride.
A GENERAL FREAK-OUT ENSUES
Jay remains calm:
JAY
Whoa, what's everyone freaking out
about? We had one of these last
week.
"Kay" hides under a desk, weeping.
"KAY"
We're all gonna die!
JAY
Wait - what is everyone's problem?
What about that pan-galactic
missile shield thing?
ZED
Sure, great idea, if we had one.
COMPUTER (V.0.)
Now running pan-galactic shield
simulation.
We see the missiles being shot down.
COMPUTER (V.0.) (CONT'D)
Conclusion: 6.72 billion lives
saved. With shield...
(shows Earth saved)
without shield...
(shows Earth destroyed)
Sorry to say I told you so.
ZED
I wanted to build one years ago,
but Kay talked me out of it.
JAY
Kay talked you out of it? Kay
wouldn't do that. He's the most
distrustful person in the galaxy.
He personally set up that system to
defend our planet from the scum of
the universe.
22.
" KAY�
I thought we didn't have any
enemies anymore. A stranger's just
a friend you haven't met.
JAY
Yeah, that's working out great.
Look, I don't know what's frying
everyone's brains, but I remember
the missile shield --- Kay -- the
real Kay -- loved that thing. He
wouldn't shut up about it. I mean,
that thing was all Kay.
(REALIZING)
But Kay's dead. He's been dead for
years. But I knew him yesterday.
Jay looks at the YAZ file. Gears turning. He grabs a
picture of Yaz --
JAY (CONT'D)
Where the hell did he.get an iPhone
in 1969?
EXTREME CLOSE UP ON PICTURE --
Peeking out of Yaz's jacket -- an iPhone.
Something clicks --
JAY (CONT'D)
(REMEMBERING)
Kay said Yaz can get you anywhere,
anytime. Any TIME. So Yaz killed
Kay in 1969 and now there's no
missile shield.
Jay realizes something and RUNS OFF
OKAY"
I love you, Jay!
JAY
You're definitely not Kay!
JAY RUNS THROUGH MIB
He runs by people dealing with the world coming to an end:
COMPUTER (V.0.)
Nine minutes to impact. I always
loved you, microwave...
23.
On the microwave -- it beeps plaintively.
Jay runs off with purpose...
STREETS OF NYC
July in the city. A perfect summer day. Kids eat ice cream.
Old ladies head to matinees. The streets of New York team
with humanity, blissfully unaware that they are about to die.
In other words, a Tuesday.
Jay runs through Time Square, where guys sell stuff on
blankets.
Desperately looking for someone...
Among the sellers, a suspicious-looking guy wearing a strange
mixture of anachronistic clothing -- tri-cornered hat.
As soon as he sees Jay, his eyes go wide and HE FLEES.
Jay grabs something off the blanket and smacks him -- lays
him out.
JAY
Where you going in such a hurry,
Obadiah? The past?
OBADIAH
What are you talking about?
He throws his arms up, revealing a pocket watch and a
telescope.
JAY
I know you've been time-travelling.
OBADIAH
No way, man. I've just been here,
totally legit, here in New
Amsterdam. I mean -- Manahatta ... n
I'm legit.
JAY
Yeah? What's this?
Reveal the thing he just hit him with -- a ship's bell with
S.S. TITANIC on it.
OBADIAH
I swear, I'm out of that. That's
my grandmother's.
24.
JAY
What else you got here?
OBADIAH
Nothing, nothing man.
JAY
Oh, yeah?
Off a Dodo in a cage.
JAY (CONT'D)
Is that a dodo bird?
OBADIAH
Family pet.
JAY
I think he'd be happier free.
Jay frees the bird -- it runs, squawking...
OBADIAH
Oh, come on, man!
JAY
Interesting.
Jay picks up Spider-Man 8 off the blanket. Featuring
chubby, bald 50-year-old Tobey Maguire.
OBADIAH
That's pirated, man. That ain't
nothing.
Jay rips open his jacket --
JAY
And this?
Reveal a copy of the Declaration of Independence..
OBADIAH
Okay, okay, maybe I've been time
travelling a little -- just for
personal use, man, just enough to
GET BY--
JAY
Listen -- I'll look the other way
if you tell me who's selling time
travel these days. I just want
your supplier.
25.
OBADIAH
No way, man. You don't mess with
that guy. He'll kill you, me, and
then he'll go after our families!
JAY
Don't worry, he won't have time.
OBADIAH
What do you mean?
Jay forces the guy to look up-- we see the missiles.
JAY
Those hit the sun in 8 minutes.
You want to live out those minutes?
Or you want me to take you out of
your misery?
Jay picks up an ancient weapon -- crossbow, blunderbuss --
off the blanket and puts it to the criminal's head.
OBADIAH
Okay, okay, but don't say I didn't
warn you, man. You just signed
your own death warrant.
JAY
I just want a name.
OBADIAH
Fine, but it's the last one you'll
ever hear.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON THE MOST NON-THREATENING FACE EVER
Think Michael Cera at his most geeky.
CERA
Hi, I'm Trevor!
Reveal -- we are in
APPLE STORE
And Trevor is an "Apple Genius"
TREVOR
Do you have an appointment?
26.
JAY
NO---
TREVOR
(CHIPPER)
Well, if you don't have an
appointment, you'll have to come
back tomorrow.
JAY
Yeah, well, the thing about
tomorrow is, we'll all be busy
being dead.
TREVOR
Excuse me?
JAY
Help me, or the world is gonna end.
TREVOR
Everyone thinks their computer
problem is the world coming to an
end.
JAY
Right. Take a look at this.
Jay directs Cera's sightline to the sky--
TREVOR
Ahhh! What is THAT?
JAY
That, is We're all dead in... Seven
MINUTES UNLESS---
TREVOR
Unless WHAT??
JAY
You start sharing the illegal time
travel tech you've been slinging.
NERD
Excuse me, can you tell me which
one of these batteries is better?
The 10-hour or the 12--
JAY
You only need seven minutes, get
the cheap one.
He grabs Trevor-
27.
JAY (CONT'D)
Where is it??
TREVOR
Okay, okay, I'll show you. But
this is incredibly powerful
technology, so it must remain
absolutely secret. Follow me.
Trevor LEAVES HIS POST --- Jay follows:
TREVOR (CONT'D)
Absolutely secret, do you
understand?
JAY
Yes, but we're running out of time--
AFFLUENT WESTSIDE MOM
Hey! Excuse me!
TREVOR
With you in a second, ma'am.
AFFLUENT WESTSIDE MOM
It'll only take a minute. You see,
my nanny's phone number got erased
from my favorites and I have to ask
her what my daughter wants for her
birthday.
Jay takes the phone.
JAY
Oh, I see the problem.
He CHUCKS THE PHONE across the store, where it SMASHES TO
PIECES. She leaves in a huff.
TREVOR
I've always wanted to do that.
okay, so here's what you do...
Trevor pulls Jay in, ready to lay this top secret information
on him...
TREVOR (CONT'D)
Okay, so go to the clock app. And
shake it.
JAY
That's it?
Jay does it.
28.
On the phone -- TIME TRAVEL BETA
TREVOR
Now you just type in the year you
want to travel to...
On the phone -- it's "augmented reality" -- the image through
the phone is the image of the targeted time period.
JAY
Okay, thanks.
TREVOR
Now listen. This is highly
crucial: Time travel is nothing to
mess with. You can't change
anything, you can't use new
technology or all of space-time can
just -- kablooey!
JAY
(OFF MISSILES)
Yeah, well, is it ok if I change
THAT?
TREVOR
Yeah. Right. Yeah, that's cool.
Jay is about to "enter" time travel...
TREVOR (CONT'D)
Wait -- hold on a second. If you
go -- I'm just gonna stay... and be
dead?
JAY
Don't worry, I'll fix it. You'll
only be dead for a little while.
Jay DISSOLVES INTO A TIME TRAVEL EFFECT...
Cera is left alone. The missiles get EVER CLOSER...
Trevor opens a "Voice Recorder" app:
TREVOR
(INTO PHONE)
Trevor's last words. Dear
posterity... Should anyone find
this, let history remember that
Trevor was a man of noble bearing,
quiet dignity --
(IMPACT!)
OH FUUUUUU-----
29.
And the world is vapor.
EVERYTHING GOES WHITE...
WHITE
Pure white.
Jay comes to, groggy, like he has the worst hangover of all
time, brain bigger than his skull, trying to make his eyes
focus.
Trying to make sense of his strange blinding white
environment -- Is this the afterlife?
The reverie disrupted by a TOILET FLUSH
The white resolves into
INT. BATHROOM
Jay realizes he's in a men's room, sitting in a urinal. The
music transitions: Whatever hip-hop featuring a 60s sample
was playing in the Apple store -- now continues as the 60s
song itself, played over a tinny portable radio.
He hops up just as a young white office worker comes out of
one of the stalls, washes his hands... and flips Jay a
quarter.
Jay stares at it a beat, confused. Misreading his confusion,
the office worker awkwardly digs out another quarter.
OFFICE WORKER
What the heck, you're doing a great
job.
The kid leaves.
Jay ventures out of the bathroom and finds himself in...
INT. HIGH 60'S OFFICE
White guys on IBM Selectric typewriters as far as the eye can
see -- like the office in the Apartment.
Jay stops in his tracks, taking in the 1969-ness of it all.
An officious guy, annoyed, runs up--
30.
OFFICIOUS GUY
You're late! Where's Mr. Watkins'
lunch?
JAY
OH--
OFFICIOUS GUY
Did his girl not put in the order?
The officious guy glares at the "girl" -- in her 60s.
OFFICIOUS GUY (CONT'D)
(shoves a bill in Jay's
HAND)
Run down to Woolworth's -- Two
hamburger sandwiches, fries, egg
cream, and a pack of luckies. If
you're back in half an hour, you
can keep the change.
Jay looks at the SINGLE DOLLAR BILL.
OFFICIOUS GUY (CONT'D)
On the double, OK?
JAY
Yeah.
Jay's moves to the elevator, waits for it. Pockets the
profits of the racist misunderstandings.
Elevator opens, the elevator operator opens the door -- Jay
climbs in with a car full of older executives.
Jay shakes his head, just taking this all in.
JAY (CONT'D)
Wow. 1969. You're all dead now.
Just as the elevator's about to close, a leggy blonde tosses
him a set of keys.
BLONDE
The Big Man wants his caddy. Chop-
chop.
The doors close.
31.
EXT. PARKING LOT NEXT DOOR
Jay's got the keys. He looks at the parking tag, walks down
a row of beautiful classic cars, looking for the right car --
stops and smiles.
THE BIG MAN'S CADDY - JAY DRIVING
Reveal Jay cruising in the most gorgeous 1964 Coupe deVille
convertible. Fins, chrome, a thing of beauty.
From the seat next to him -- a fedora. He puts it on,
completing the look.
In the background we notice the Leggy Blond getting yelled at
by the guy who must be "The Big Man" Jay HONKS and waves --
thank you!
Jay finds some classic 60s music and enjoys himself for a
minute -- a sweet ride through 60s New York.
A GREAT 1969 HIT -- THE TEMPTATIONS' "Can't Get Next to You"
comes on the radio. Jay is swept up in the music and soon is
SINGING ALONG AT FULL BLAST.
At a light, he pulls even with an older Brooklyn Italian
couple. They give him a disapproving look. The woman
clutches her pearls just a little more protectively.
He smiles and leans towards them.
JAY
Guess what? Black president!
He laughs and drives off.
Pulls up at...
EXT. MIB HQ ENTRANCE/VENTILATION BUILDING
The secret entrance to MiB HQ, familiar from the first movie.
Jay strides up to the entrance and... can't open the door.
Bangs on the door -- nothing. Shaking the knob, calling to
the guard... nothing. From behind him:
VOICE (O.S.)
Help you? Look a little lost.
JAY
Yeah, thanks, listen--
32.
Jay turns and is face-to-face with two grinning Staten Island
cops. He instantly realizes what's about to go down.
JAY (CONT'D)
(SIGHS)
Yeah, guess I knew this wasn't
gonna be just people handing me
money and Cadillacs.
COP 1
'Scuse me?
JAY
Nothing, officer. I'll be on my
way.
COP 2
That's an awful nice car.
JAY
Thanks.
COP 1
Kind of work you do, individual of
your particular... ethnic
persuasion... to buy a car like
that?
COP 2
Wouldn't be anything illegal, would
it?
COP 1
You an athlete or something?
JAY
Yeah, I'm the North American
champion of kiss my ass.
The cop loses his smile, turns to his partner:
COP 1
That sound like resisting arrest to
you?
COP 2
Sure did.
They grab him, start to frisk him --
COP 2 (CONT'D)
Well, well. Boy, you're gonna have
a little problem explaining THIS.
33.
The cop holds up Jay's HIGH-TECH GUN -- the NOISY CRICKET
and his NEURALIZER.
A BLACK CROWN VIC SCREECHES UP between the cops and JAY.
Out steps KAY -- but 40+ years younger.
KAY
(flashes a badge)
I'll take it from here.
COP
Who the hell are you?
KAY
Agent Kay, Division 2, special...
(gives Jay a look)
.black ops. Thank you for your
cooperation, if I could ask you to
look here for a moment --
Kay pulls out what looks like a NEURALIZER -- and swiftly
beats each one over the head -- it's just a BLACKJACK -- they
crumple.
JAY
Kay? Kay, is that you? Oh, man
it's good to see you, buddy!
Jay hugs Kay -- who remains stony-faced. Jay gets a little
choked up to see his friend alive -- Kay is a rock.
JAY (CONT'D)
Look at you, all... sort-of-
young... Kay!
KAY
That's got to be the first time an
unregistered alien caught sneaking
onto Earth was happy to see me.
Jay pulls away, realizing--
JAY
Oh! You think -- aw,that's funny.
No, it's not like that. You see,
I'm your partner.
KAY
If I had a partner I'd know it.
JAY
There's a simple explanation for
that.
34.
KAY
I'm all ears.
JAY
You see I'm your partner...
(knows he's about to sound
CRAZY)
In the future. And I came back to
save you.
A longdry stare.
KAY
Well, thank you very much.
JAY -
Hey, no problem, man. I got you--
KAY
Yeah, thought I'd heard them all.
Usually, they offer a great gift to
the people of Earth in exchange for
refuge. Time-travelling partner
from the future -- that's some
extra-credit right there, and I do
appreciate you bringing some much-
needed variety to what can be a
very dull job. But I'm still gonna
have to bring you in.
JAY
Yeah, ok, I know it sounds a little-
KAY
It sounds a LOT--
JAY
That's why I'm going to prove it to
you... Because if I weren't from
the future, would I know about --
your little top-secret headquarters
right HERE??
He tries to force the door open. Nothing.
JAY (CONT'D)
I said -- HERE?
(tries - nothing)
HERE??!?
Jay finally kicks the door open --
And inside... we SEE...
35.
An abandoned building, filled with spiders, etc.
JAY (CONT'D)
Right. Not here yet. But it will
be. Gonna need to get rid of the
raccoons and bats and stuff, but...
it'll be real nice. Game room over
there for your pinball, you love
your pinball. Lotta good times
there -- I'm going for an extra
ball, Jay! you'd say. And I'd be
there. With you. Partners.
Long stare from Kay.
KAY
Let's go. And word of advice -= I
don't know what it's like on your
planet, but around here, a guy with
your... complexion in a car like
that is gonna get some attention he
doesn't want.
EXT. NEW JERSEY STATE PARKWAY
We hear the way-too-loud death-rattle exhaust note of what
sounds like ten Harleys at once.
Reveal -- Yaz, the nightmare biker, looking like Dennis
Hopper meets Satan, riding a badass custom skull-themed rig
that might have dropped out of the brain of Stanley Mouse.
His skull ring gleams on his pinkie. Devil Girl sits behind
him, hands on his shoulders.
We ride with them a beat, tearing down the highway...
They STOP AT A LIGHT -- even with a brightly-painted microbus
full of hippies.
One of the hippies leans out --
HIPPIE
Hey, you guys like to party? Care
to make a trade for the mama?
Yaz pulls out his alien "guns." The stoned hippie smiles
serenely and puts a flower in one of the mouths. Makes a
peace sign.
HIPPIE (CONT'D)
Make love, not war.
36.
Yaz "fires" the alien -- it launches into the microbus --
followed by its brother.
The microbus rocks, hippies scream, the bus dents from the
inside-out. On a bumper sticker: If This Van's a-rockin',
don't come a knockin'.
The guns, finished, return to Yaz.
Yaz surveys the carnage, picks up a medallion off one of the
hippies. But looking at it more closely, frowns and throws
it away.
The head back on their way... Blood drips over the Ass, Gas
or Grass bumper sticker...
We dissolve from the blood to a deep red STRAWBERRY SUNDAE.
Widen to reveal we are in...
INT. HORN AND HARDART'S
A great NYC automat...
The kind of place you go when you like to be alone.
Loners and weirdos populate the tables, minding their own
business. Immigrants read foreign papers.
Jay follows Kay as they walk by the glorious deco machines
offering pies... pastries.., beverages...
JAY
Is this your favorite place? Makes.
sense. Zero human interaction.
Kay ignores him.
JAY (CONT'D)
So how old are you?
KAY
Twenty-six.
JAY
Really? Wow, you got some city
miles on you.
Jay laughs. Kay ignores him, stops in front of a machine
offering "SPECIALS".
Jay grabs a paper off a nearby table: We see headlines about
Nixon, Vietnam, the Apollo Launch.
37.
Jay looks at the date: July 14, 1969.
JAY (CONT'D)
The fourteenth. Then we have two
days.
Kay really takes his time, picking out the right sandwich.
JAY (CONT'D)
Hey, look, I know your lunch is
important, but like I said, we only
have two days here.
KAY
Here we go...
Kay puts some money in the machine -- is about to make his
selection. Jay reacts to it -- GROSS!
We see -- the most unappealing ham sandwich ever. The meat
is tinged with green and beginning to get a little fuzzy. No
one in their right mind would buy this sandwich.
JAY
No way, man. I am not letting you
eat that. I didn't come all the
way here to have you die before I
can tell you--
Kay reaches for the button. Jay slaps his hand away.
A BEAT of undignified hand-slap-fighting--
JAY (CONT'D)
No way, man. No way the world ends
because you had to eat that thing--
Kay SUCCEEDS IN HITTING THE BUTTON and
FWOOOOOOPI
A SECRET DOOR instantly spins them around and Jay and Kay are
INT. MIB 1969 HQ
A cloud of smoke... It clears and reveals
Mid-century futurism with a martini lunch office vibe. It's
how Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury would have imagined the MiB
offices.
38.
The cloud of smoke comes from everyone smoking. Aliens run
around with ashtrays, cocktail shakers and cigarettes. The
alien smokers smoke from surprising orifices.
The !liB agents have the feel of ivy league privilege. Very
male and very white. Women are there to be secretaries and
eye candy.
Two many-armed aliens stock the automat. Kay tosses one the
sandwich, it goes right back into the automat.
Jay recognizes the aliens -- it's the twins!
JAY
Hey! [long alien name] and Bob!
Don't worry, you guys get a big
promotion in, like, 20 years.
Kay takes Jay down an escalator. Quick atmospheric
establishing shots of MiB '69:
- A wall of Black and White TVs monitoring the aliens of the
times: Castro... Yoko... Hendrix...
- A cluster of agents use a joystick to manipulate a very
high-tech camera. Reveal they're using it to watch a
secretary's ass. She gets wise, turns -- they raise their
martinis and she giggles at them: You're incorrigible!
- Aliens work switchboards, work in the steno pool.
- Someone barks at an alien to grab a couple Mooners and go
clean something up.
- An MiB barbershop quartet practices.
MIB QUARTET
(SINGING)
The men in blaaaaaaack...
Jay can't help laughing --
JAY
What planet are they from?
KAY
The Hamptons. Let's go somewhere
we can talk.
JAY
Finally.
39.
INT. HOLDING ROOM
Typical interrogation room table in the middle.
Kay pulls out a giant form -- it looks like 10 tax returns
stacked together. He fits sheets of carbon between the
pages.
JAY
Oh, we're gonna do the forms now.
Listen, Kay, I know you're gonna do
what you're gonna do, but we're
burning time here. When I got
here, you had 48 hours. Now you've
got 46.
KAY
Name, planet of origin and Galactic
ID NUMBER--
JAY
My name is Agent Jay, you gave it
to me.
KAY
(WRITING)
"Subject uncooperative." Purpose
of visit?
JAY
To save the Earth.
Kay looks at the form, there's a number of options to check:
"Create a new race... Steal Earth women... Offer life of
eternal youth... vacation... Save the Earth." He checks the
box.
KAY
Save the Earth... Congratulations,
you're the third one today... Maybe
you'll get a balloon.
JAY
Fine, don't believe me. But just
listen to what I have to say,
because it's going to save your
life and the life of everyone in
this galaxy.
It hangs in the air...
KAY
Are you currently pregnant or
preparing to spawn?
40.
JAY
There's a killer out there. Goes
by "Yaz." He's coming for you.
You told me your one regret was not
killing him when you had the
chance.
KAY
Never heard of any Yaz.
JAY
You will. Here's what to look for.
Long hair, leather, looks kind of
like a biker. You'll know him from
the skull ring on his pinky. He's
trying to blow up the Earth and you
get in his way somehow so he kills
you. This Friday. In Florida.
So, if you want to live -- do not
go to Florida.
KAY
Florida? I hate Florida. I hate
everything South of Virginia. If
that's what you came to tell me,
you're wasting your time.
JAY
Man, you're as stubborn as you
always were. I mean -- always will
be. Look, It's not just about you.
Because he kills you, you don't
live long enough to build the
defense shield. And without a
defense shield, the Earth gets
destroyed. You get it? He kills
you, the Earth gets destroyed. I
have to save you from him so we can
save the planet.
Kay stops writing.
KAY
Huh. Well. This is finally
starting to make sense.
Jay looks hopeful.
KAY (CONT'D)
Because you're crazy. Paranoia.
Delusions of self-importance--
A BOOMING VOICE INTERRUPTS --
41.
BOOMING VOICE
Agent Kay!
Door BANGS OPEN -- in walks THE BOSS MAN... and it sure
isn't ZED.
AGENT EX, flanked by junior agent underlings. EX is a well-
tanned WASPy jackass with a room-temperature IQ who probably
got this job from his daddy's country club connections. He's
good at tennis and not thrilled about this whole "civil
rights" fad.
Kay stands.
KAY
Hey, chief.
EX
Heard you got a mooner in here.
Don't take all day. We're not here
to babysit them, just figure out
where he's from and send him back.
KAY
Actually, still trying to sort it
out. He says he's human.
EX
Fortunately, we have the technology
here to test for that.
Ex steps up close to Jay. Looks him over. Then SWIFTLY
PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH.
EX (CONT'D)
Gag reflex. Coughing. Eyes
watering. Human. Code 43 him.
KAY
Got it, chief.
THROUGH MIB
Kay walks Jay.
JAY
So what's code 43?
They pass through a set of double doors. Tilt up to reveal:
ROOM 43
42.
ON JAY AND KAY
Jay reacts to whatever he's looking at.
JAY
WHAT THE--
KAY
This little baby here is called a
Neuralizer.
REVEAL -- The 1969 Neuralizer fills an entire room. And we
ARE
INT. ROOM 43 -- NEURALIZER ROOM
It's manned by 60s labcoat technicians with sliderules and
punchcards.
The Neuralizer itself is a piece of 60s-tech-glory --
magnets, tubes, things that look like they belong in Dr.
Frankenstein's lab.
JAY
Whoa, whoa, what? You're gonna
neuralize ME? You can't neuralize
me. Haven't you been listening?
Two ALIEN ORDERLIES grab Jay.
KAY
Have a lay down, stretch.
The orderlies force Jay on a sort of gurney -- in the '69
Neuralizer, the "patient" is fed through the machine, like
for an MRI.
JAY
You erase what's in here, you erase
the whole world.
KAY
Don't worry. When it's over,
you'll forget all about this Yaz
and Florida and the end of the
world. I think it'll be good for
you. Calm you down.
JAY
I don't need to calm down.
43.
KAY
Don't worry, it's safe. We even
tested it on one of our own men.
Kay indicates Q, who wanders around like he's been
lobotomized.
KAY (CONT'D)
Hey, Agent Q!
Q waves back:
Q
Hey, agent Q!
KAY
No, YOU'RE -- forget it.
(back to Jay)
We're still.., fine-tuning it.
okay, strap him down.
TWO BIG-ASS ALIEN ORDERLIES force Jay down.
A TECH flips the machine ON -- TUBES POWER UP WITH HUGE NOISE
AND FANFARE.
Jay struggles as he gets closer and closer to the machine.
Jay manages to slide his key fob out of his'pocket -- uses
the edge to flip open the clamp on the straps -- and HE'S
FREE
TECH
How the hell--
Kay smiles -- Not bad, kid.
The orderlies rush him -- Jay knocks them out. The
scientists are fraidy-cats -- they hide.
It's down to Jay and Kay.
KAY
Nice moves. You'd make a good
agent.
JAY
I AM a good agent!
Kay takes a SWING at Jay -- Jay dodges it easily.
JAY (CONT'D)
That's right, you always lead with
your left.
44.
Kay pulls his weapon -- Jay ducks behind the Neuralizer --
now Kay can't shoot.
KAY
You're just making it worse for
yourself.
The following plays over a game of CAT AND MOUSE around the
giant structure of the Neuralizer -- like through the stacks
in a library.
KAY (CONT'D)
There's nowhere to run, slim. It's
just if we're gonna do it easy or
do it hard.
Jay runs into a dead end.
Kay and the orderlies are on him. The pissed-off orderlies
grab him roughly, force him onto the gurney. Jay keeps
flailing.
JAY
I know you, Kay, I can prove it...
(SEARCHES)
You love to bowl!
KAY
Bowling is enjoyed by more than 95
million people in more than 90
countries. You gotta do better
than that.
JAY
You've got a scar on the back of
your right hand!
Jay grabs Kay's hand. They LOCK EYES for a moment. Kay lets
Jay flip his hand over, big build-up, REVEALING...
.no scar.
JAY (CONT'D)
Damn. You will! I swear!
Kay signals -- the Neuralizer powers up.
And Jay is on the conveyor belt into the machine. This is
all about to be over. Jay thinks desperately for a way out,
THEN-- Eureka!!
JAY (CONT'D)
Kay! KAY!!! What about your girl
on Martha's Vineyard?
45.
Kay looks up. Jay sees an opening:
JAY (CONT'D)
You chose the job over her -- but
you never stopped thinking about
her. You can't forget her.
Kay grabs him.
KAY
How the hell do you know that?
I've never told anyone that.
A long look at this guy, who somehow knows things he
shouldn't.
And he hits the POWER OFF BUTTON...
But this being TUBE TECHNOLOGY -- we stay with JAY'S
TERRIFYING POV -- as he slides through the claustrophobic
Neuralizer chamber -- the tubes powering down just in time,
inches away from him.
Jay crawls out of the Neuralizer, shaken.
JAY
You see, Kay? It's me--
But Kay grabs him and puts a gun on him--
KAY
If you're gonna drag her into this,
you'd better be able to back up
your story. Because if you're
jerking me around, I'll make a
window out of your head.
JAY
Yeah, okay, um -- according to the
file, he should have entered Earth-
space in the last couple days. Did
you spot any unauthorized landings
in the last 48 hours?
Kay looks to a tech, who looks at a clipboard --
TECH
We did have something -- a landing
in New Jersey.
Kay and Jay look at each other.
46.
KAY
(TO JAY)
Alright, you're coming with me.
Jay grabs his key chain.
JAY
Can I ask how you're planning on
getting me out of here?
INT. MIB 1969 HQ
Kay leads a "LOBOTOMIZED" Jay through HQ.
KAY
'Scuse me, boys. Just did a code
43 on this one.
JAY
How's it going, fellas? Look, I
put on my pants.
He feels one of the agent's faces.
Kay leads him to the exit. He talks to Jay as if Jay is a
dim 3rd-grader who speaks little English:
KAY
You are a tourist from Kansas. A
city slicker took your wallet at
the bus station...
Kay leads Jay to a SET OF DOORS MARKED "EXIT to STREET" --
MANNED BY MIB AGENTS.
KAY (CONT'D)
Two out.
The agents nod to Kay and WAVE HIM THROUGH-THE EXIT...
Which deposits them in...
INT. SHOWWORLD CENTER
The peepshow megaplex from the bad old days of time square.
A creepy pervert sits in a booth. Puts money into the
machine.
The wall SLIDES UP -- and to his surprise, instead of a
peepshow...
47.
Jay and Kay climb out. Off the creep's reaction:
JAY
Aww. Did I spoil the mood?
INT. CROWN VIC - KAY DRIVING
On the New Jersey State Parkway --
KAY
You'd better not be wasting my time-
JAY
Yeah, yeah. Window out of my head.
But hey -- if I don't save you, I'm
dead anyway. So do what you want
to me -- just make sure you watch
out for yourself.
They pull up to...
EXT. VINCENZI BROTHERS WASTE MANAGEMENT - OFFICES
A squat shack on the edge of a dump, home office to a
"legitimate local business."
The windows are bloodied and broken from the inside.
Corpses of wiseguys litter the front of the building, all
showing disturbing spore growth. [please see
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuKjBIBBALS for reference]
The corpses DEMATERIALIZE and disappear.
JAY
This doesn't look like a mob hit.
KAY
That's a hell of an observation.
What gave it away?
JAY
Spores. Dematerializing corpses.
And THAT.
Jay points beyond the building... a SHEER DROP
Which is the edge of a HUGE SMOKING CRATER --
And how did this crater get here?
48.
In the center, a GIANT ROCKET, all chrome and Flash Gordon.
It formed the crater on landing.
KAY
We're going in.
Kay draws his weapon.
JAY
Aren't you gonna give me a.gun?
KAY
Right.
He pulls out a Smith and Wesson, dumps the bullets, and hands
it over.
KAY (CONT'D)
Try not to get in my way.
JAY
You try not to get in MY way.
Jay and Kay move towards the building... BAM! BAM! BAM!!
Someone's firing at them -- they dive for cover.
More GUNSHOTS --
Jay gives Kay THE SIGNAL, WE SAW IN THE CHINESE RESTAURANT
KAY
What the hell is that?
JAY
Stay behind me. You need to stay
alive.
KAY
The hell I will.
Jay tries to go in -- Kay pushes him out of the way and goes
in first.
VINCENZI BROTHERS
Jay and Kay bust in -- almost fall into the room because
they're squabbling over who's first --
Then - BAM!
49.
Someone's hiding under a desk, holding a gun over his head,
firing randomly.
Kay gets GRAZED --
They dive for cover. Kay's right hand is bleeding.
JAY
Huh. So that's how you got the
scar.
Jay tosses his EMPTY GUN into the corner -- the guy under the
desk fires FIVE TIMES - EMPTYING HIS GUN!
Jay sprints at him, flips the table -- it's a terrified,
quivering WISEGUY. Jay grabs him and DISARMS HIM.
The guy is FREAKED OUT.
WISEGUY
[TERRIFIED BLUBBERING]
JAY
What'd he look like?
WISEGUY
[BLUBBERING]
JAY
Pull it together!
Jay SLAPS THE GUY.
JAY (CONT'D)
The guy who did this --- what'd he
look like?
WISEGUY
Looked like a biker... And he had
a... He had a skull ring...
Jay and Kay share a look.
JAY
That's him.
BACK WITH JAY AND KAY
Walking up to Kay's car.
In the background, MiB puts up a facade around the rocket --
"Rocket Waste Disposal", techs take samples.
50.
JAY
What about the witness? We don't
have time to take him back to HQ to
NEURALIZE HIM--
KAY
We've got something new. Portable
Neuralizer.
With a rumbling and BLASTS OF AIRHORNS, 18-wheelers drive up,
housing the "portable" Neuralizer.
KAY (CONT'D)
Can you believe how small these
things are getting?
JAY
Yeah.
KAY
Okay, slick. I'm making a decision
to believe you. Not because I do,
but because I have to, you get me?
He walks to the trunk, pops it open.
He flips a switch, revealing a HIDDEN ARSENAL.
He grabs a COOL GUN and gives it to Jay. Jay admires the
DEADLY FIREARM.
JAY
Aw, this means you like me, doesn't
it?
KAY
Let's go get this sunovabitch.
They climb in but -- SCREECH!!!
A Crown Vic swerves to a stop in front of them. Out pops an
APOPLECTIC EX --
EX
Kay! Don't move a goddamn muscle!
I have you on 12 protocol
violations!
Kay looks to Jay.
KAY
Make it thirteen.
He GUNS IT -- THEY TEAR OFF...
51.
YAZ'S BIKE
Widen - he's on his bike, pulling into
NEW YORK CITY - TOLLBOOTH ON THE BRIDGE
Yaz approaches the tollbooth, manned by a gruff NY no-BS, no-
time for anyone TOLLBOOTH COLLECTOR.
TOLLBOOTH COLLECTER
Exact change only.
YAZ
Can you help a stranger, please?
TOLLBOOTH COLLECTER
Oh, sure. That's what I'm here
for. You see that thing behind
you? That's New Jersey. Go home
and get some change.
YAZ
There's been a great injustice in
the Universe. I must make it
right.
TOLLBOOTH COLLECTER
You know what's also a great
injustice? Sitting in this box all
day listening to people try to get
out of paying the toll.
YAZ
Let me ease your pain.
On Yaz's evil grin...
KAY AND JAY DRIVE INTO THE CITY
KAY
Now tell me everything you know
about this Yaz scumbag.
JAY
In two days he's gonna kill you in
Florida.
KAY
Two days. Doesn't give me a lot of
time. You couldn't have come back
a week ago?
52.
JAY
Sorry, I was distracted by the
Earth blowing up.
KAY
So we have two days to kill him
before he kills me. Alright,
there's one cesspool everyone
washes up in sooner or later.
Someone'll know something there.
Come on. Let's take a drive to
Alien Town.
JAY
Alien Town?
They drive under a sign indicating: EAST VILLAGE
WITH YAZ
Cruising through NY. Devil Girl on the seat behind him. He
pulls even with a patrol car.
YAZ
Excuse me, officers of the law.
Like you, I care a great deal. about
justice and I'm looking for some
people. Maybe you can help me.
OFFICER
Okay -- get a shave and a haircut..
They laugh.
Yaz smiles sadly.
YAZ
Have you ever lost someone close to
you? I have. I've lost everyone.
Everyone except them. Can you help
me find them?
He gives the cops a picture, they take it grudgingly -- we
see it: a half dozen hippies wearing medallions.
The cops look at each other and raise eyebrows.
OFFICER
Only one part of town where people
like that hang out...
53.
EXT. THE DECKER BUILDING
The historic Village landmark.
Jay and Kay approach... 60s freaks eyeball the squares...
IN THE ELEVATOR
Jay and Kay ride to the sixth floor.
JAY
There's gotta be something that
connects you to Yaz. What cases
are you working on?
KAY
Well, I'got this whole dry ice
thing.
JAY
Dry ice? What's that? Someone get
killed over some dry ice?
Smuggling something in some dry
ice?
KAY
No. We just can't figure out what
it is.
JAY
Wow, you're pretty low on the totem
pole, aren't you? The great Kay,
looking for dry ice.
KAY
Don't push your luck.
The doors open, and we're in...
A WAY-OUT 60'S PARTY
Kay's on the hunt for someone. They weave their way through
the far-out types, hear snippets of high-60s party
conversations.
Someone notices Jay's suit --
PARTY SNOB
What are you, a time traveller?
JAY REACTS--
54.
PARTY SNOB (CONT'D)
That suit is SO five years ago.
Kay sees who he's looking for, grabs him:
KAY
We need to talk.
Reveal ANDY WARHOL -- and this is the Factory, and this is
one of Warhols' famous parties.
Draped on Warhol -- a bunch of strange hangers-on, his
"stars."
ULTRAVIOLET
Yum, pigs are getting cute.
Jay smiles -- she looks skeeved out.
ULTRAVIOLET (CONT'D)
I meant the young one.
Warhol speaks with his strange -- yes, almost alien --
affect.
WARHOL
It's not really a good time to
talk. I'm creating a party.
(sighs, totally put out)
But... Maybe if he asks me.
JAY
What - me?
WARHOL
I would never say no to anything
that came out of that beautiful
mouth...
Jay is visibly uncomfortable. Kay nudges Jay - do it.
JAY
[Grumbles about what he has to do
for his partner].
(then, to Warhol)
We need to talk. Please.
Warhol and his Stars ooh and ahh over Jay. Someone snaps a
picture.
WARHOL
Amazing, just amazing. Alright,
you talked me into it. Follow me.
(MORE)
55
WARHOL (CONT'D)
(TO ENTOURAGE)
Be back soon, stars.
PRIVATE STUDIO LOFT
From here, a window looks out over the whole scene.
Warhol leads the guys in, shuts the door and LOCKS IT.
Immediately, his ENTIRE AFFECT CHANGES -- he rips off his
WIG, lights a cigarette, and talks like a hard-nosed cop.
WARHOL
Damnit, Kay, are you TRYING to blow
my cover?
KAY
Take it easy agent W, your cover is
perfectly safe.
WARHOL
Perfectly safe? Are you out of
your goddamned mind? It's only a
matter of time before they figure
out I'm a total fraud.
KAY
Cool your jets--
WARHOL
I'm so out of ideas I'm painting
bananas and soup cans for
chrissakes. How long do you really
think they're gonna keep buying
this shit?
Warhol slumps on a chair.
WARHOL (CONT'D)
I can't take it anymore. Talking
to these nutjobs and all these
goddamn hippies. God, I hate
hippies. They're just filthy, Kay.
KAY
Yeah, I know they are, buddy. But
you're doing good work here. We
need you.
A knock at the door -- Warhol gets back into character --
56.
WARHOL
I'll be right there... I'm just...
filming these men eating a
hamburger... It's... transcendent.
Okay, now the pickle...
(back to cop form)
You see what I mean? And who the
hell's this guy? New partner?
JAY
Actually, I'm his old partner. I
came from the future to warn him
ABOUT--
WARHOL
Jesus, fine, don't tell me.
Alright, what do you need?
JAY
We're looking for a recent arrival.
Long hair, wears a lot of
leather...
Warhol indicates the party below -- half the guests match
that description.
WARHOL
You'll have to do better than that.
Look, if that's all you have, I
can't help you.
KAY
Maybe you know someone who's seen
something.
STAR (O.S.)
Andy, the horse is here...
WARHOL
I gotta get back in there--
JAY
Hold up -- the guy we're looking
for -- he's out to destroy the
world.
WARHOL
C'mon, what's new? What does an
MiE call it when someone tries to
destroy the world? Tuesday.
JAY
I thought you made that up.
57.
KAY
C'mon, W, I got a feeling on this
one. Like we should take it
serious. And we don't have much
time.
Jay checks his watch.
JAY
33 hours.
WARHOL
Yeah, yeah, alright.
(THINKS)
Okay, talk to Prell and Vidal.
C'mon.
IN THE PARTY
ON TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN - in very 60s fashion with incredibly
giant hair - one with a big afro, one with big chignon
hairdo.
WARHOL (O.S.)
(back in "character")
Vidal, Prell, can you please talk
to these nice men?
The women's LIPS DON'T MOVE -- they respond in incongruously
GRUFF VOICES:
PRELL
Whadaya want?
VIDAL
They look like cops to me.
ain't talking.
PRELL
We're not rats.
We swing around them to REVEAL that Warhol/Kay/Jay are not
talking to the women's faces --
They're STANDING BEHIND THE WOMEN -- TALKING TO THEIR HAIR-
DO'S which we realize are two COMPLETE HAIR ALIENS, VIDAL and
PRELL, perched atop these women.
KAY
Start talking, you two, before you
end up on a barber's floor.
58.
PRELL
Ah, you don't scare me.
KAY
Yeah?
Kay reaches into a passing woman's purse, pulls out
HAIRSPRAY. Grab some of Prell and holds up the spray.
PRELL
You wouldn't!
He sprays the hair, it starts to SCREAM IN PAIN.
VIDAL
Stop, you bastard!
PRELL
I'm telling you, we don't know
anything!
KAY
You wanna play tough? How about we
take a ride to the barber college,
see how tough you are?
Kay keeps shaking them down, but Jay is distracted...
On Jay... something is making him think...
A sound... it. grows louder... we start to be able to make out
the distinct bip... bip... bip... of PONG
Jay FOLLOWS THE SOUND...
To a group of people -- that incredible Factory mix from
slumming socialites to Black Panthers to the freakiest
freaks...
They surround a SKANKY GUY -- and whatever they're watching
on TV is so mesmerizing it's like they're seeing the face of
God...
BROOKE ASTOR
It's too beautiful.
Someone takes a picture of the screen.
Jay walks around the TV -- REVEAL:
They're watching CLASSIC EARLY 70S PONG.
59.
The SKANKY GUY controls it via a BIG MEDALLION hooked up to
the TV antennae terminals. He's playing against a young
clean-cut square.
Jay grabs the wires and rips them out, cutting off the game.
Everyone JEERS him.
ON KAY, hearing the noise, turns to see what's going on.
SKANKY GUY
What the hell, man?
JAY
Just wondering where you got that.
SKANKY GUY
Your mother.
The crowd laughs.
JAY
Really. So my mother gave you a
technology that hasn't been
INVENTED FOR SEVEN YEARS?
Jay grabs him by the throat.
Partygoers react. Someone takes pictures. Someone claps in
delight.
JAY (CONT'D)
Now how about you tell me where you
really got it?
The skanky guy knows he's in trouble.
SKANKY GUY
Oh... uh... okay, no hassles,
man... I got it from that dude over
there... With the beard.
Jay turns, lets go just long enough for the guy to LEAP OUT
THE WINDOW
Jay takes off after him -- Kay joins
And the CHASE IS ON
CHASE THROUGH THE VILLAGE
Jay and Kay chase the guy through various 60s locations - a
commune, an ashram, a folk club, a protest.
60.
Everywhere they are mistaken for "pigs" - people get in their
way.
To Jay's surprise, young Kay is a hell of a runner, in
incredible shape. It gets competitive between them...
Until Jay can't keep up -- Kay takes off...
Kay runs the Skanky Guy down -
Jay huffs and puffs his way over, grabs the medallion.
JAY
Alright, one more time. Where'd
you get this?
SKANKY GUY
It was a gift--
JAY
Bullshit.
Kay puts a gun on him.
JAY (CONT'D)
Oh, hey. This is my partner. He's
about to get fired for excessive
violence and he doesn't have much
left to lose.
SKANKY GUY
I borrowed it!
CLICK! Kay cocks the gun.
SKANKY GUY (CONT'D
I stole it, okay?
JAY
That's what I like. A nice, honest
thief. Stole it from who?
SKANKY GUY
They don't even care, man. They
leave their money everywhere.
JAY
Who?
SKANKY GUY
I don't know who they are--
61.
KAY
Then you're not worth much to us,
are you?
The gun comes back out.
SKANKY GUY
I heard they were Archanans.
JAY
Archanans? They're pretty far out
of their neighborhood. I didn't
think we'd ever had one on Earth
before.
SKANKY GUY
I can tell you where they live!
Southwest corner of 3rd and Avenue
C. Top floor. Apartment 12.
Jay rips the medallion off his neck.
SKANKY GUY (CONT'D)
Ow!
JAY
I'll do a lot worse. Get the hell
out of here.
The guy runs off.
KAY
What's the deal with the necklace?
JAY
You were wearing one just like it
when you died. Come on.
SOUTHWEST CORNER OF 3RD AND AVENUE C
Jay and Kay pull up in front of the building.
KAY
That address. It's familiar.
He pulls out a notebook.
KAY (CONT'D)
I was going to come by here
tomorrow to check out a lead on the
dry ice case.
62.
JAY
So you come here tomorrow, get
tangled up with these Archanans...
And...
KAY
And Yaz kills me?
JAY
Something like that. So do me and
the people of Earth a favor and be
careful.
KAY
Aw, put on your big girl panties
and let's go.
JAY
Hey, I've always got my big girl
panties on.
Huh. That didn't sound right.
INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR
Jay and Kay ride up...
KAY
That thing back at the party, what
was it? Some kind of game?
JAY
Not just any game, PONG. Game of
kings. But it wasn't invented
until 1974.
KAY
How do you know that?
JAY
Because I was the only kid on my
block who didn't have one.
KAY
Aw, what's the matter? Daddy
didn't buy you the toy you wanted?
JAY
Didn't have a daddy to not buy me
toys. Here's the only thing I ever
got from him--
He holds up his key chain.
63.
KAY
That's rough.
JAY
It gets worse. You're the closest
thing I have to a dad.
DOORS OPEN...
DOWN THE RATTY HALLWAY
Jay and Kay move carefully, ready for trouble.
They get to the door -- Apartment 12.
Jay points to the door -- THIS IS IT!
They see -- THE DOOR IS SMASHED IN, PUNCHED OFF ITS HINGES
And punched into the door -- THE IMPRESSION OF A SKULL RING
JAY
That's from Yaz's ring. He was
here. Or is here.
Jay SIGNALS KAY
KAY
Why do you keep doing that?
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT
They move into the room on high alert...
But it's empty.
They realize the strangeness of the room - alien technology
(including a TV hooked up to something strange with tons of
wires hanging out) and lots of money.. LOTS of money...
Not just piles -- the actual furniture is MADE OF STACKS OF
MONEY. They've been using it for scrap paper, for napkins.
JAY
So Yaz was never after you... he
was after the Archanans. You just
got in the way.
KAY
Which must make them damn
important. But what does he want
with them?
64.
JAY
'No sign of struggle. They must've
cleared out before he got here.
Like they knew he was coming.
KAY
And he's probably on their trail
now. But where the hell did they
go?
They look around, puzzling over this place. Jay picks up a
$100 bill off a table made out of stacks of money.
JAY
Think this might tell us something?
On the $100 bill:
A strange series of words and numbers: 3 2... 5 1... 7 5..
KAY
Looks like some kind of code.
We'll take it to HQ, run it through
the computer. Figure out where
they went.
BACK THROUGH THE HALLWAY
Jay and Kay walk down the dark hallway --
Yaz steps out of the shadows --
BACK IN THE CAR
Jay and Kay head back to HQ. Kay drives, Jay stares at the
$100 bill, squinting at it, turning it over --
JAY
How about bible verses?
Coordinates? Airplane flights?
Shoe sizes?
KAY
So this is how you do it in the
future, huh? You just keep
guessing until you figure it out?
JAY
(EUREKA)
Phone numbers!
They stop at a light.
65.
Suddenly -- WHAM! WHAM! Someone FRANTICALLY POUNDS on the
trunk -- a frightened 12-year-old prostitute wearing what is
basically Jodi Foster's Taxi Driver hooker costume --
hotpants, mary janes, halter top. There's something familiar
about her face...
HOT PANTS GIRL
For God's sake! Help me, would
you? There's some maniac after me -
JAY
Slow down -- who's after you?
HOT PANTS GIRL
He was like nothing I ever saw --
crazy eyes, and this freaky skull
ring.
Jay and Kay look at each other:
JAY
Get in.
HOT PANTS GIRL
Thank you so much. This is a
dangerous city for a girl.
The light turns green -- we're on the girl's face. Jay and
Kay looking straight ahead.
JAY
So where can we take you?
HOT PANTS GIRL
Just make a left up here.
Kay does it... There's a rushing noise...
In the back seat, Hot Pants Girl IS "INFLATING" AND BECOMING
DEVIL GIRL!
The car turns down a dark, deserted alley.
JAY
Are you sure? Seems dangerous.
DEVIL GIRL
Not for me.
Reveal -- the girl has fully "inflated" into her natural form
-- DEVIL GIRL! The outfit is grotesque on her.
DEVIL GIRL ATTACKS
66.
SET PIECE FIGHT in the car. Employing cool MiB tech built
into the car.
Devil Girl subdued, locked into the trunk in a "CONTAINMENT
SACK" -- like what you'd use to stuff a raccoon into.
The fight's over, the guys slump against the car.
JAY
What the hell was that?
KAY
I don't know, but I'd bet you two
to one Yaz sent her.
Beat. Light bulb moment for Jay --
JAY
Say that again!
KAY
I think Yaz sent her.
JAY
No, the whole thing!
KAY
I'd bet you two to one Yaz sent
her.
On Jay, realizing--
He grabs the $100 bill --
JAY
I know where they are!
ON JAY AND KAY
Walking -- we hear sounds of crowds, of cheering, REVEAL we
ARE AT--
EXT. AQUEDUCT RACETRACK
JAY
How are we going to find them? Any
idea what an Archanan looks like?
And then -- they see --
AMID THE SEA OF GUYS IN SUITS, HATS, AND SKINNY TIES...
67.
A circle of what looks like Tibetan monks -- colorful,
playful, dressed in robes.
They could only be -- the Archanans.
The group comprises one older Archanan -- the LAMA -- and
three younger ATTENDANTS.
KAY
I think I found them.
They step into
THE ARCHANANS' AURA
Within the space around the Archanans, the chaos and noise of
the crowd melts away. Deflected.
There are three Archanans and one distinctive older one --
THE LAMA.
In the middle -- a giant pile of winnings.
All is peaceful within this space. Faint chimes.
They greet Jay and Kay happily, chant a strange mantra:
ARCHANANS
(CHANTING)
King Lady Big Trouble Classy...
The faint sound of an announcer:
ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
Results for the sixth race: King,
Sweet Sophie, Big Trouble and Red
Gent!
ARCHANANS
(CHANTING)
Superba pays 3200 to one...
JAY
You're in danger--
ARCHANANS
You're in danger... you're in
danger...
Jay thinks they're playing the "echo game" like little kids:
JAY
Very cute, but--
68.
LAMA
In eight seconds, please do us the
kindness of ducking.
JAY
Huh?
KAY
Yaz!
They turn to see YAZ -- he levels a WEAPON AT THEM -- FIRES!
Jay and Kay DUCK -- the weapon just misses.
JAY
Thanks.
KAY
Let's get into trouble.
Jay and Kay engage him --
As they run off, the Lama calls --
LAMA
Remember, please, to take the
bridge.
And we begin
BIG FIGHT SET PIECE.
Try to include motorcycle and horse elements. Could also
involve the actual aqueduct, which is close by.
At one point, Jay and Kay seem stuck, they remember...
JAY
Take the bridge...
They take the bridge, which gives them an advantage on Yaz.
At one point, Jay corners Yaz -- Yaz BLASTS HIM -- Jay is
knocked down. Looks DEAD! But he shakes it off reveal
the PONG medallion blocked the shot.
Culminating at a toxic waste dump in Staten Island, with Yaz
compressed into .a six inch cube - hauled away in the back of
a garbage truck.
The guys give chase -- they want him captured, but no luck.
The truck drives off...
69.
KAY
He's gone.
JAY
Only a matter of time before he
comes back. And this time he might
be really mad.
AQUEDUCT RACE TRACK
Jay and Kay return to an EMPTY RACE TRACK...
It's like a ghost town.
No Archanans to be found...
JAY
Damn, we lost them. They come all
the way across the universe and
just when we're about to figure out
what all of this is about--
Then, faintly... a CHEER
KAY
Hold that thought.
They follow it out to
THE TRACK
Which is empty. No spectators, no horses. Just the
Archanans...
Who stand near the track watching... nothing.
And yet --
They cheer and clap as if watching the most exciting race
ever.
Jay and Kay exchange a "what the hell?" Look and approach
them.
JAY
Everybody OK?
ARCHANANS
Everybody is everybody.
70.
JAY
Yeah... guess I can't argue with
that. So listen up -- Yaz is down
but he won't be for long, so we
need to start coming up with some
answers. First of all--
The Archanans CHEER. Jay shakes it off.
JAY (CONT'D)
FIRST
The Archanans CHEER AGAIN.
JAY (CONT'D)
What are you cheering about?!
ARCHANANS
The races.
Jay and Kay keep approaching... Puzzled -- the track is
empty...
JAY
What races?
Jay and Kay cross the threshold into their aura... and now--
The empty stands are FILLED WITH CHEERING SPECTATORS WATCHING
AN INCREDIBLY EXCITING RACE.
JAY (CONT'D)
Where are we?
LAMA.
We are tomorrow.
Jay steps backwards, out of the aura -- back to empty ghost
town.
Steps back in -- tomorrow's rabid fans, cheering the race.
From the Archanans' POV -- we see ALL VERSIONS/ALL AGES OF
JAY AND KAY..
The effect is -- THEY SEE ALL TIME AT ONCE.
JAY
You... can see the future.
LAMA
It is what you call the future.
71.
ATTENDANT
Ah, the future. An illusion of the
time-bound, borne of the fallacy
that one moment follows another.
LAMA
Yaz suffers from this greatly. And
so he must have revenge on your
planet.
JAY
Revenge?, For what?
LAMA
He mourns the past because he can
not see the dead are still as alive
as they ever were. Just not now.
JAY
Okay, someday you're gonna explain
that to me, but right now you need
to stop the riddles because there's
about two minutes until Yaz crawls
out of his hole and gets back to
trying to kill you. So help me
out. I need to know IN ENGLISH why
Yaz is trying to kill you and what
that has to do with saving the
Earth.
ATTENDANT
We know what he will know.
JAY
You know what... he will know...
(figuring it out)
You know his plans.
(REALIZING)
And you're going to stop him. He
wants to kill you because you stop
him.
LAMA
(CHEERFUL)
Yes, if he does not kill us first.
KAY
Don't you know if he's going to?
LAMA
Sometimes he kills us, sometimes he
does not. There are many futures.
72.
JAY
Okay, which future is the one where
you live and the Earth doesn't blow
up?
LAMA
The one where you take us home.
Jay and Kay exchange a look --
KAY
Alright, let's get these freaks
home, and pronto.
LAMA
You must let go of your. attachment
to time, beginning with your
concept of "pronto."
And on that -- THUP THUP THUP --
12 Blacked-out helicopters...
EX (V.0.)
(MEGAPHONE)
Illegal aliens -- you are
surrounded... Do not attempt to
flee...
Jay and Kay YELL INTO THE BACKWASH OF THE ROTORS:
JAY
No! We need to get them home!
But it's all drowned out in the wind and dust...
MiB "squad cars" -- pull up and surround them.
Jay and Kay look for an escape route -- but MiB cars and
trucks seem to be pouring in from everywhere.
MiB agents descend on ropes, round up the Archanans--
EX (V.0.)
(MEGAPHONE)
Agent Kay! Return to your vehicle!
Rendezvous at headquarters in 20
minutes! We will escort you by
air!
And from the noise and chaos of the choppers...
To silence...
73.
INT. MIB HQ - BENCH OUTSIDE THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Jay and Kay watch through a glass wall.
Inside the conference room -- the Archanans sit around a
table.
Ex paces, clearly talking ABOUT the Archanans to the other
agents.
Body language tells us the MiB reach some kind of consensus.
Ex comes out -- Jay and Kay hop up.
Ex notices Jay for the first time --
EX
What's he doing here? Didn't we
just bust you?
KAY
That was someone else. All these
mooners look alike, right?
A beat -- and Ex buys it completely.
EX
Yeah... So look. We've talked
about it. And you are to be
commended, Agent Kay. You did a
fine job bringing these illegals
in. Now it's our job to get them
out of the city for containment.
Somewhere where if someone decides
to blow them off the map, the
collateral damage will be
insignificant. Toronto.
KAY
But they're in danger. One of the
most dangerous beings in the
universe is out to kill them--
(looks to Jay)
And if that happens, we're all
going with them, because they're
our only hope of survival.
EX
Christ, if we listened to every
Mooner who showed up telling us how
they were gonna save the world,
that's all we'd do. Do you know
why Earth is still standing?
(MORE)
74.
EX (CONT'D)
Why we're not a smoldering chunk of
nothing? Because we don't stick
our nose into other people's
business. Especially people in
danger, because they have enemies,
and those enemies destroy Earth.
Now. Are you going to execute my
order or not?
KAY
(COLD)
I thought we were supposed to be
the good guys.
EX
Careful, Agent Kay. That sounds
like insubordination.
Kay walks up to Ex, looks him DEAD IN THE EYE
KAY
It sounds like you need to cut some
eyeholes in your stomach, because
your head is so far up your ass,
that's the only way you could
possibly see.
EX
That's it. You're off this case.
Stick to dry ice. If I catch you
near them -- or him -- again, I'll
have your badge.
(to a bunch of other
AGENTS)
You four -- take the Archanans to
transpo.
One of the agents looks up--
YOUNG AGENT
Me? I'm just an accountant---
EX
Go!!!
(TO JAY)
And you... You just get out of
here!
The MiB agents GRAB the Archanans and hustle them out.
Kay leans in to them--
KAY
Don't worry, we'll--
75.
LAMA
Yes, we know.
Kay looks up -- sees Jay smiling at him.
KAY
What?
JAY
I knew Agent Kay wasn't just gonna
lie down. So what's the plan?
KAY
You heard the man. We've got dry
ice to investigate.
GARBAGE COMPACTOR TRUCK
It's the truck that "compacted" Yaz. We follow it to the
MIDDLE OF
GIANT STATEN ISLAND DUMP
Where the truck dumps its load... Including YAZ...
Who gets PROCESSED AND PRESSED INTO A CUBE.
On the cube -- it begins to swell and force itself back into
its natural shape.
Around the piles of garbage, other Yaz parts SEEK EACH OTHER
OUT...
DUMP EXIT
Workers stop what they're doing -- get out of the way of
something, disturbed.
We see Yaz and understand the reaction -- Yaz might be back
together, but NOT AT ALL RIGHT -- a leg stuck in the wrong
place, the head at a weird angle.
He catches his reflection in a hubcap and adjusts himself...
Pops out an eye, swaps an arm...
He unfurls his tongue, smells the air --
YAZ
Where did you go...
76.
SHOWWORLD CENTER
A SLEAZY GUY is suprised to see not just an agent... but four
agents and four Hare-Krishna-looking guys come out of his
peep show window.
One of the Archanan attendants smiles at him:
ATTENDANT
(CHEERFUL)
You will die alone.
SLEAZY GUY
Yeah, I know.
The agents lead the Archanans through the world's greatest
emporium of sleaze.
EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION
The hustle and bustle -- cabs picking up and dropping off
PASSENGERS --
We find a LONG LINE OF UNHAPPY KIDS, MAKING UNHAPPY PARENTS --
Kids crying, pulling on Mom's dress...
We see -- it's the line to an ICE CREAM TRUCK.
And the line isn't moving because KAY IS QUESTIONING THE
PAPER-HATTED VENDOR.
DRY ICE SMOKE rises from the freezer:
KAY
Just a few more questions about dry
ice and I'll be out of your hair...
A BIRD CALL makes Kay turn --.he sees Jay waving him over,
pointing at something -- The MiB agents lead the Archanans
into the Station!
VENDOR
I told you ten times -- I got no
idea what dry ice is!
KAY
(not listening).
Thanks, you've been very helpful.
Jay and Kay peel off, follow the MiB agents, leaving the
Vendor scratching his head. He turns back to the kids.
Jay and Kay follow the MiBers and Archanans inside...
77.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION
The Men in Black blend in easily with the guys going home to
Greenwich, but the Archanans are easy to spot.
Jay and Kay tail them -- and lose them for an instant!
They spot a glimpse of robe, run after them, turn a corner --
And it's just some Hare Krishnas.
KAY
Damn. Wrong freaks.
But Jay spots the Archanans...
JAY
Over there, Kay!
As they run off --
HARE KRISHNA
Perhaps you'd like to join us for a
vegetarian meal?
Jay and Kay chase after the MiB agents and Archanans --
The MiB agents approach a cordoned-off area with signs
warning WET PAINT!
The agents look around, then slip pass the ropes and through
a NARROW DOOR marked "WET PAINT" or "MEN WORKING"
Jay and Kay follow...
Through the skinny half-painted door...
THROUGH THE.SKINNY DOOR
An EQUALLY SKINNY ESCALATOR descends 100s of feet. A
problem: it's going the WRONG WAY -- bringing incognito
aliens and MiB agents UP INTO GRAND CENTRAL.
Jay and Kay muscle their way down -- lots of 'scuse me --
pardon me -- hey, don't grab that!
But once they power past the crowds, Jay's jaw drops as we
reveal...
78.
SECRET TRAIN STATION
A MUCH-BIGGER station under Grand Central, a secret hub for
sending aliens back and forth all over the country.
It's basically a series of GIANT PNEUMATIC TUBES --people-
sized versions of the vacuum tubes that used to beeverywhere
in banks, offices, etc.
A mix of ALIENS and MIB AGENTS put on helmets and pads, board
the tubes and FWOOP off...
Quick shots -- a shoeshine stand set up for many-limbed
aliens... a newsstand with strange papers... The Beatles in
line for Liverpool with a blue meanie... Kareem Abdul-
Jabbar...
KAY
On your 2 o'clock.
They spot the MiBers and the Archanans next to the TUBE TO
CANADA.
TUBE TO CANADA
The MiB agents put helmets and pads on the Archanans.
They're about to load them into the tubes --
Jay and Kay approach:
KAY
Hold up.
MIB
You're off this case, Kay.
MIB 2
Yeah, but I heard there's some dry
ice in Queens. Magic show at a
kid's birthday party. Better
hustle, you can get there before.
the cake.
They all LAUGH at Kay.
KAY
Change in plans.
MIB
What? We didn't hear about any
change in plans.
79.
KAY
Yeah, Ex just gave us the new
orders -- check this out --
Kay gestures them closer -- he reaches for something in his
jacket pocket...
The MiBers lean in...
And Kay GRABS THEM AND SHOVES THEM BACKWARDS TOWARDS THE
TUBE!
The MiB agents stumble, surprised --
The Archanans, not surprised, step deftly out of the way, the
MiBers FWOOP FWOOP FWOOP into the tube...
Jay and Kay exchange a smile and realize... One last VERY
YOUNG agent is still standing there, wide-eyed:
YOUNG AGENT
Don't hurt me! I'm just the
accountant!
He reaches for his radio... Jay talks him down:
JAY
I know you're a little freaked out
and you want to call for backup,
but listen: When you've done this
job for a while, you realize
there's one rule -- things aren't
what they seem. These are innocent
beings that need our protection.
Are you gonna do the right thing or
are you gonna be a company man and
send them off to die in Toronto?
The young agent thinks -- puts down the radio.
JAY (CONT'D)
Good, good. What's your name?
YOUNG AGENT
Agent Zed, sir.
KAY
You're gonna be okay, kid.
Jay can't help laughing --
80.
JAY
He's gonna be better than OK. I'm
not gonna give you so much shit
anymore.
The radio CRACKLES --
EX (V.0.)
(ON RADIO)
Zed, what's your status?
ZED
Detainees are on the tube to
Toronto. No sign of Kay. Over.
EX (V.0.)
Copy that, good work, Zed.
Zed crosses off...
JAY
Be nice to him. Trust me.
Jay, Kay and the Archanans regroup.
JAY (CONT'D)
Okay, you all wanted to go home.
Well here we are. So how do you
want to get off this rock? You
guys have the spaceport on Long
Island yet?
Kay just looks at him.
JAY (CONT'D)
That place is a dump anyway. Best
Margaritas in the Universe, my ass.
What about the one in Ohio?
The Archanans smile.
ATTENDANT
Here is the way home.
The Lama removes a postcard-sized card from his robe and
hands it to one of his attendants.
The attendant bows, and RITUALLY PASSES IT... it passes
through all the attendants and then to JAY.
Jay gives it a look.
JAY
Here, huh? You're sure?
81.
LAMA
The only future that ends with life
begins there.
JAY
I'll take that as a strong "yes."
Okay, then. Follow me.
Jay pockets the card and starts herding them across the
terminal. Kay catches up --
KAY
Where are we going?
Jay looks at him a beat.
JAY
Omaha. And I'm gonna buy you the
biggest T-bone you ever saw when we
get there. So -- you head over to
the Omaha tube and I'm gonna help
these guys over here for a second.
But I'll meet you in a minute. By
the Omaha tube.
They stare at each other --
KAY
Sounds good. See you there.
Kay turns to head off -- then, lightening fast, spins and
reaches into Jay's pocket, snatches out the card --
KAY (CONT'D)
Omaha, my ass.
Kay looks at the card: GREETINGS FROM SUNNY FLORIDA -- a
tourist post card with palm trees, oranges and beaches.
KAY (CONT'D)
Let's go.
JAY
No, no, no. No way. Florida, Kay.
KAY
That's what it says.
JAY
Don't you get it?
KAY
Yeah, it's hot and muggy. The old
people drive slow.
(MORE)
82.
KAY (CONT'D)
We'll stay somewhere air-
conditioned and only drive after
three when they're at dinner.
JAY
This is why you were there. In
Florida. Because of them. You
were helping them and that's why...
that's why you get killed. Today,
July 16. I saw the report myself.
Agent Kay, dead at the scene.
Killed by Yaz.
KAY
You know what an MiB agent calls it
when he faces death? Besides I got
you to watch my back, right?
They walk to the FLORIDA TUBE
JAY
I just want you to know, I'm doing
this out of love, man.
KAY
Doing what?
He gets his answer -- Jay DECKS HIM.
JAY
You stay home and stay alive.
But Kay isn't down.
KAY
I told them I'd help them -- I'm
honor-bound to do it.
Kay throws a DIRTY SUCKER-PUNCH to Jay's kidney.
Jay recovers and throws an UPPERCUT to Kay's solar plexus.
Jay winces -- like he just hit something hard.
JAY
Damn, you used to have some abs.
They continue to pound each other. As they trade punches:
JAY (CONT'D)
I can't let you go to Florida.
KAY
I make my own future! Besides --
I'm younger and stronger than you!
83.
They both attempt an identical spin kick at the same time --
feet collide.
JAY
Bet you're sorry you taught me
that.
The fight continues... They're wearing down, circling each
other...
And then Kay fakes a left ---
JAY (CONT'D)
You always lead with your--
But this time Kay connects with his right, knocking Jay down
hard.
KAY
Had enough yet?
On Jay -- gasping, spent -- using every last reserve of
strength to lift himself off that floor.
JAY
I can't let you go -- I love you!
Jay KICKS KAY SAVAGELY IN THE GROIN. Kay LUNGES AT JAY.
They CLINCH... it's a stalemate...
KAY
Aw, hell, look at that-- behind you-
JAY
I'm not falling for that.
KAY
I'm not kidding --
Kay rotates their clinch towards the tube so Jay can see...
The ARCHANANS -- very cheerfully, benignly hopping into the
FLORIDA TUBE.
Jay and Kay share a look -- and both run INTO THE TUBE!
THROUGH THE TUBES
Jay, Kay and the Archanans hurtle through the MiB system of
pneumatic tubes.
84.
The Archanans fly through the tubes, relaxed and happy,
moving gracefully, like fish through water...
Kay is in perfect controlled tube position -- everything
clenched, hands by his sides, looking like he's in an "air
luge"...
Jay is SCREAMING and ricocheting off the sides of the tube
like a pinball...
They shoot SOUTH, passing landmarks of the Eastern
seaboard...
Intercut with Jay's face -- blown back like Right Stuff
astronauts in a G-Force simulator.
Jay FLAILS towards the Archanans, grabs onto the Lama's robe:
JAY
(yelling over the wind
NOISE)
I have to know -- can I really
prevent Kay's murder?
LAMA
Yes.
JAY
Oh. Okay, then. Thanks, good to
hear.
LAMA
But where there was death, there
will be death.
JAY
What does that mean?
The Lama smiles and zips ahead through the current. Jay gets
CLOBBERED by a bend in the tube.
EXT. FIELD
Sugar cane workers pick crops next to a GIANT IRRIGATION
PIPE.
They look up as SCREAMS DOPPLER THROUGH THE PIPE -- what the
hell was that?
We follow the SCREAM...
85.
BACK IN THE TUBE
Jay CONTINUES TO SCREAM --
TUBE P.A. (V.0.)
All passengers, prepare to de-tube.
JAY
De-tube?
TUBE P.A. (V.0.)
Please make sure all helmet and
crash suit straps are securely
fastened.
On Jay -- no helmet, no crash suit.
JAY
Helmet? No one said anything about
A--
POOP!
EXT. FLORIDA SWAMP/MANATEE PRESERVE - END OF THE TUBE
Jay, Kay and the Archanans are launched from the tube like
human cannonballs...
The Archanans land gracefully, floating down air currents
like kung fu masters...
Kay hits with both feet and rolls...
Jay face plants into the water.
Jay looks up -- FIVE MANATEES STARE HIM DOWN. The ALPHA
MANATEE emits along, lowing manatee song which RESOLVES INTO
COUGHING --
ALPHA MANATEE
Sorry, I have something in my
throat. They went that way...
JAY
Thanks.
Surrounded by thick brush, trees. Jay staggers out of the
water, looking beat to hell.
JAY (CONT'D)
Kay? Archanans? Everyone OK?
86.
Reveal -- Everyone else looks clean and pressed. Jay looks
around -- nothing but brush and swamp.
JAY (CONT'D)
Listen, your, uh...
Arachaness...ness? I don't think
this here is the way back to your
planet.
The Archanans smile and WALK OFF... Jay and Kay follow --
JAY (CONT'D)
Hey wait -- we can't help you get
home, if you don't tell us how...
He trails off as they EMERGE FROM THE BRUSH
And stop dead...
JAY (CONT'D)
Whoa. So that's how you're getting
home.
Reveal -- A GLORIOUS SHOT OF THE APOLLO ROCKET
And they head towards destiny...
CAPE CANAVERAL - LAUNCH SITE
Jay and Kay take in the MASSIVE SCENE...
The huge crowd, the security, the press. HISTORY IN THE
MAKING.
T-Minus 30 minutes.
JAY
Okay. So we've got... 30 minutes
to get past security. Get into
Mission Control. Reprogram the
flight path, pull the Astronauts
off the launch and get them in that
rocket.
KAY
Well, then. Better get started.
JAY
Weird. I feel like I've been here.
(BEAT)
Okay, I've got a plan to get
through security. We just need to
be invisible.
87.
YAZ ON HIS BIKE
Hurtling down the highway on his superfast bike, kicking up a
HUGE DUSTSTORM...
He gets STUCK BEHIND AN 18-WHEELER. Yaz REVS -- and SPEEDS
RIGHT THROUGH THE TRUCK, SPLITTING IT IN HALF.
Down the CAUSEWAY -- the rocket in the distance...
EXT. MISSION CONTROL STRUCTURE ENTRANCE
Heavily guarded by AIR FORCE SECURITY -- people with a lot of
guns and very little sense of humor.
And up steps Jay, leading Kay and the Archanans.
JAY (O.S.)
'Scuse me... I need to get
inside... I've got the big man's
Cadillac... all washed and ready to-
Before the words are out of Jay's mouth, he's down on the
ground with a submachine gun stuck in his neck.
GUARD
Move and it's the last thing you
do!
The security is on Kay and the Archanans, forcing them down.
Kay gives Jay a look --
KAY
Good work. It's like we're not
even here.
GUARD
(INTO RADIO)
Sir, this is unit 3 bravo -- we
have an attempted perimeter breach
into mission control subhallway
Charlie. One caucasian, one
negroid, four... other. Yes, sir.
We'll hold them here, sir.
JAY
You've got it wrong, let me explain-
88.
GUARD
Shut up! Anything you have to say,
you can say to my superior officer!
And boy does he hate your kind...
A click... click... click... Someone is approaching. Someone
who walks like they mean business.
GUARD (CONT'D)
Lt. Colonel! Here are the
intruders, sir!
Jay cranes to see the Colonel -- he's African American. Jay
grins, relieved --
JAY
Finally, someone I can talk to--
But the Colonel is on him before you can blink, an equal-
opportunity hardass to the extreme:
COLONEL
The only thing we're gonna talk
about is what specific breed of
dumbass you have to be to try to
penetrate my launch site!
He begins patting Jay down. Eyes widen --
COLONEL
Weapon! You are going away for a
long time...
(to his men)
Get them into holding. We'll
interrogate them after the launch.
A beat... and Jay goes for it:
JAY
Sir, before you do that --- my name
is Agent Jay. I appreciate your
position, but I'm from a top-secret
government agency in charge of
protecting the world from the scum
of the universe and right now, on
behalf of the people of Earth, I.:
need to commandeer your rocket so
THEY--
(points to Archanans)
--can board it. Can we count on
your help?
The Colonel stares at him for a beat..
89.
COLONEL
So you want us to stop the most
massive endeavor in American
history, an event being watched by
the entire world, the moment that
will be the culmination of a
challenge put to us by President
John F. Kennedy himself... so a
bunch of Hare Krishnas can take a
joy ride?
JAY
Would it help if I told you I'm
from the future?
COLONEL
Get them out of here!
He motions to the other MPs, who move to roust the group...
But the Lama takes the Colonel by the arm--
COLONEL (CONT'D)
Hey!
--and PULLS HIM INTO HIS AURA.
On THE COLONEL'S face... He sees something POWERFUL
The Lama releases him...
The officer is stunned for a moment. Blinks back into focus
and turns to the other guards --
COLONEL (CONT'D)
You men are no longer needed here.
Report to delta gate.
GUARD
Sir?
COLONEL
Go!
GUARD
Yes, sir...
The Colonel turns to Jay, Kay and the Archanans:
COLONEL
The rest of you, come with me.
The Colonel heads into the building. They follow.
90.
JAY
Things change when you can see the
future, right?
COLONEL
They sure do. This is definitely
about some next-level shit.
The PA crackles:
P.A. (V.0.)
T-minus seven minutes to launch...
MISSION CONTROL STRUCTURE - UNDERGROUND HALLWAY
Mission control is an underground hub with hallway "spokes".
Jay, Kay and the Archanans follow the Colonel down the
hallway towards the main Mission Control center.
MISSION CONTROL
A hive of activity leading up to the launch.. Miles and
miles of white guys in buzzcuts and shortsleeve button-down
shirts. Thick glasses, slide rules, pocket protectors -- a
sea of IBM men.
Everyone smoking, RUSHING AROUND, LAST-MINUTE CHAOS...
Hunkered over computer monitors... reel-to-reel data tapes
spinning. Less computing power than an iPhone, but we put a
man on the moon.
P.A. (V.0.)
T-minus six minutes...
JAY
Attention, everyone! We've got a
change in plans!
Everyone's consumed with the launch and wearing headsets --
they ignore him -- he keeps trying --
JAY (CONT'D)
Hey! Attention over here! I need
to talk to the man who can re-
program this rocket!
Still nothing --
JAY (CONT'D)
Can anyone hear me? Hey! You in
the glasses!
91.
25 people in identical giant black plastic glasses turn.
COLONEL (O.S.)
Agent Jay! Over here!
They see the Colonel with an Engineer at a workstation.
COLONEL (CONT'D)
This is your man.
The guys approach the Engineer --
ENGINEER
You see this card? The rocket's
flight path is all on cards just
like this one. Right here --
He indicates a long metal rack, like a mail-sorting machine,
that holds many 1000s of cards and feeds them into a
processor.
An Archanan approaches and BLOWS ON THE CARDS -- it hits the
cards like a mini-whirlwind. The cards spiral everywhere
like bats pouring out of a cave -- chads fly off -- they're
magically re-programmed! And fly back into the rack.
The engineers are STUNNED. And then PANIC:
ENGINEER (CONT'D)
The trajectory has been altered!
A BIG LOW-TECH GRAPHIC APPEARS on the BIG LOW-RES MONITOR:
TRAJECTORY CHANGE.
ENGINEER (CONT'D)
Abort launch! Abort launch!
JAY
Slow down there! Everyone be cool!
ENGINEER
Coolness is an inappropriate
response!
The Engineer flips the SAFETY off a red button marked "ABORT"
ENGINEER (CONT'D)
Aborting in 5...
JAY
No! Stop! Do not abort!
ENGINEER
4...
92.
The Engineer raises his ABORTING HAND -- About to slam it
down in the button!
- KAY
This might help.
Kay reaches into his jacket, takes out WHAT APPEARS TO BE A
NEURALIZER
JAY
What's that? You been holding out
on me?
KAY
Little something I've been working
on. Glasses if you've got 'em.
Jay and Kay put on their glasses...
ENGINEER
2.
Jay and Kay in sunglasses -- for a moment, it's the iconic
look of the posters...
JAY
Ha ha, just like old times...
KAY
Oh, and you might want to get under
a desk.
JAY
Get under a--?
ENGINEER
One!
The engineers hand comes down... but before he can hit the
BUTTON --
Kay hits the trigger --
But instead of a FLASH --
A MILLION PELLETS EXPLODE OUT OF THE NEURALIZER -- bouncing
everywhere, knocking out the engineers.
The pellets KEEP WHIZZING EVERYWHERE THROUGH THE FOLLOWING:
Jay and Kay have to talk over the sounds of people getting
KO'd.
93.
JAY
What the hell was that??
KAY
It's a high-velocity non-lethal
pellet-gun. The boys in the lab
call it the "hiv-nol-pog."
JAY
Catchy.
The Archanans deftly step out of the way -- or the pellets
swerve around them.
EX RUNS IN, flanked by security and/or MiB agents.
EX
It's Kay! There he is! Take him
down! Shoot him if you have to!
EX catches a PELLET TO THE GROIN, crumples.
The pellets settle... quiet...
P.A. (V.0.)
T-minus... Five minutes.
The engineers start COMING TO, dazed, wondering WHAT THE HELL
JUST HAPPENED -- Kay and Jay give them a "neuralizer" cover
STORY:
JAY
(TO CROWD)
What the hell is wrong with you
people? Raquel Welch comes by for
a personal tour of Mission Control
and you faint like a bunch of
schoolgirls!
KAY
What a waste.
ENGINEER
Raquel Welch was here?
JAY
Five minutes to get to the rocket.
And keep your eyes open for Yaz.
They head out.
CUT TO:
94.
ON THE TARMAC
With only a few minutes to go, service trucks CLEAR THE
TARMAC -- dozens of fuel trucks, etc., Driving to get a safe
distance away from the blast.
The all SWERVE OUT OF THE WAY
As one car cuts through them GOING THE OPPOSITE WAY, parting
the waters -- it's a military jeep -- THE COLONEL at the
wheel, Jay, Kay and the rest, barely hanging on.
CUT TO:
ASTRONAUT TRANSPORT -- DRIVING
The apollo astronauts ride across the tarmac towards the
rocket. The only car. Looking up at that rocket.
On NEIL ARMSTRONG, practicing:
NEIL ARMSTRONG
(GRANDIOSE)
That's one little step that I did,
one big step for the rest of you...
Wait, that's not it. Did that
sound weird to you guys?
The driver SLAMS ON THE BRAKES
BUZZ ALDRIN
What in Sam Hill is going on?
Reveal the Jeep, pulled in front of the Astronauts, cutting
them off.
KAY
No disrespect meant, [major]. I'm
a big fan. (Especially of the
haircut.)
JAY
But we've got some bigger fish to
fry. Hand over the flight suits.
They start pulling the astronauts off the truck.
The astronauts protest.
JAY (CONT'D)
Let's go, people. Why don't you
take one giant leap out of there.
95.
They look at Jay and Kay... at the Colonel...
COLONEL
That's right, gentlemen. You need
to listen to them. We're going to
protocol twelve.
The astronauts acquiesce.
BUZZ ALDRIN
I didn't want to get in that death
trap anyways.
NEIL ARMSTRONG
I'm still getting my parade, right?
CUT TO:
EXT. MISSION CONTROL STRUCTURE ENTRANCE
The same guards who stopped Jay and Kay are back on duty.
They hear something -- they draw weapons --
And it's Yaz. Still looking like evil incarnate. The guards
take in this unholy picture...
GUARD
WHAT THE--
YAZ
I want in.
The guards look at each other --
GUARD
Should we radio the Colonel?
GUARD (CONT'D)
You wanna get yelled at again?
They wave him by.
GUARD (CONT'D)
Go ahead.
LAUNCH PLATFORM
Kay loads the Archanans into the capsule., Technicians in
clean suits assist.
96.
Jay works like a secret service agent -- scanning for all
possible threats.
Jay checks his stop watch -- Four minutes to go...
Kay works'with the Archanans--
JAY
We good yet, Kay? I don't like
being out here in the open -- too
many ways for Yaz to get to you...
KAY
I'm almost there.
Kay's got them inside, but having problems with the hatch.
KAY (CONT'D)
Hey, tech guys -- get back here and
help me with the door.
TECH
It's called-a hatch.
KAY
Whatever, just get over here.
JAY
Oh, come on -- what's going on?
KAY
This door is complicated.
JAY
Oh, for...
KAY
What? It's an Apollo rocket, not a
Plymouth Valiant, OK? It's
complicated.
Jay goes over to help Kay with the door.
They both fuss and fight over the door.
JAY
Lift it. You have to lift it.
KAY
No, I am lifting it. You have to
hold the lever.
97.
JAY
No, if I hold the lever, the rubber
thingie won't... go in the thing
where the thingie goes...
Kay notices something in the reflection of the hatch glass.
KAY
Jay... Why do you think a highly
trained NASA technician would leave
the back of his suit unzipped?
They exchange a look that parallels the opening scene in the
Chinese restaurant...
JAY
Because it's about to go down.
They turn around, draw weapons on the tech -- it's YAZ!
NOTE TO READER:
Welcome to the good stuff
From here, we launch into a GIANT SET PIECE that will take us
up and around the Apollo Rocket...
As Jay and Kay battle Yaz and Devil Girl in a super-high-
stakes confrontation to protect the Archanans...
We will pay off that YAZ ISAVIRUS, bentonDESTROYINGTHE
EARTH to avenge the deaths ofhis brothers --smallpoxand
bubonic plague.
The launch clock ticks down -- the action moves around pipes
breathing fire, the gigantic scaffolding, liquid oxygen
spewing from the rocket... All on top of a rocket taller than
a 30-story skyscraper.
With T-minus 25 seconds to go, Jay and Kay corner Yaz against
the lunar capsule.
BACK TO SCENE:
Yaz laughs at Jay and Kay.
YAZ
You can't stop me! Nothing on
Earth can stop me!
JAY
Nothing now.
Yaz raises an eyebrow...
98.
Jay draws his NOISY CRICKET -- the gun he brought from the
future.
KAY
What's that?
JAY
Little something I brought with me.
Jay points the gun at Yaz -- but Yaz just LAUGHS --
As the clock ticks down to T-minus 5... 4...
YAZ
Try it! You wouldn't dare! One
false shot and you'll rip space and
time!
JAY
That's a chance I'll have to take.
Jay BLASTS YAZ
Yaz stumbles BACK INTO THE CAPSULE... The hatch SLAMS him in!
Just as the ROCKET BEGINS LIFTOFF--
HUGE FLAMES - HUGE CLOUDS OF SMOKE THREATEN TO ENGULF JAY AND
KAY -
KAY
Uh oh --
But the Archanans surround them with their aura -- where the
flames and smoke flow harmlessly around them...
And then it's over...
BIG VICTORY MOMENT
As they watch the rocket carry Yaz off...
JAY
We did it, partner. I hope you
remember this when you recruit me --
you won't give me such a hard time.
KAY
You know I will.
JAY
Yeah.
99.
KAY
I guess we'll have to build a
prison on the moon or something.
Jay realizes -- grabs Kay --
JAY
Do a better job this time, OK?
That needs to be one hell of a
prison. You don't want that guy
coming back, or I'm coming back.
Look, once was enough, OK?
Jay turns to The Colonel --
JAY (CONT'D)
Thank you for your help, sir. Hope
we don't get you fired.
COLONEL
Not too worried about that.
JAY
Can I ask you -- what did the Lama
show you in there that made you
help us? Was it the Earth being
destroyed?
COLONEL
No -- it was my son. All grown up.
As a matter of fact, I'm late to
see him -- I promised I'd watch the
launch with him.
JAY
Oh. Thanks. He's a lucky kid.
COLONEL
I'm a lucky dad. Take care.
Jay offers him a handshake. The officer takes it -- and
pulls Jay into a hug.
JAY
Okay...
The Colonel leaves. Jay and Kay congratulate each other,
smile over a job well done...
But then they see the Archanans... And realize...
100.
KAY
We're sorry we didn't get you home,
guys. It was the only way to get
rid of Yaz.
JAY
But we'll make sure you're safe
here. And the next rocket out...
LAMA
All is well. You have done well.
JAY
No we didn't. You wanted to go
home...
LAMA
There is what we desire and what
must be... And now our gift to
you...
JAY
Gift? But we didn't get you home.
ARCHANANS
There is the action and there is
the intention. It is the intention
we reward.
LAMA
You did the right thing. And if
humans are capable of such
sacrifice, such friendship...
perhaps we ARE already home.
JAY
So then what's the gift?
LAMA
You already have it.
Jay looks at pong.
JAY
This? Pong?
LAMA
Yes. PONG. The Pan-Galactic
Ordnance Negation Grid. Agent Kay
will use this technology...
JAY
To make the missile defense system.
You use this to save the world.
101.
ARCHANANS
Yes. Don't drop it.
They take the PONG and drape it around Kay's neck
The Archanans leave, chanting...
ARCHANANS (CONT'D)
(CHANTING)
Bip... Bip... Bip...
And it's just Jay and Kay.
Jay looks at Kay wearing the PONG... just like in the case
file picture...
JAY
Hey. My watch stopped.
We see -- a minute to go. Jay looks at the watch. Something
about it bothers him...
KAY
C'mon. Let's go watch that bastard
leave the atmosphere.
JAY
Yeah, I'll catch up with you in a
second.
KAY GETS INTO THE ELEVATOR
Jay hangs back, approaches the Archanans, walks them down the
scaffolding.
JAY
So you guys understand all this
time stuff, right? So is
everything going to be okay now? I
mean, if I saved everything, and
Yaz is really gone, why am I even
here? Shouldn't I not have come in
the first place? And why do I
still have time left on my watch?
UNDERGROUND
The scaffolding leads Jay and the Archanans into the maze of
underground hallways.
Jay walks, looking at his watch, thinking...
102.
,He sees a WALL CLOCK -- 3:59.
JAY
3:59. But Kay didn't get killed
until...
And then the AWFUL REALIZATION --
JAY (CONT'D)
He didn't come yet! Kay, he didn't
come yet!!!
Jay races to find Kay.
WITH KAY
Unaware that his appointment with death is near...
WITH YAZ AND DEVIL GIRL
Racing down a hallway... hunting Kay...
WITH JAY
Running... running... searching... where is Kay?
INTERCUT BETWEEN KAY... YAZ... JAY...
All converging on destiny...
WITH JAY
Running... more frantic now...
And then he sees him!
Kay -- at the end of the hallway!. Backlit by the door to
the outside...
JAY
Kay!
And then Jay sees -- Yazl Already there!
Jay goes for his weapon, but he doesn't have the shot!
Yaz pulls his guns...
103.
Kay turns to see Yaz -- there's no time to react, only to
know HE'S ABOUT TO DIE!
Yaz FIRES!!
But -- THE COLONEL is somehow there instead! He catches the
bullet for Kay -- his body dematerializes.
And it gives Jay the split-second he needs to FIRE ON YAZ AND
KILL HIM, blowing him OUTSIDE -- where he is INCINERATED BY
LIQUID OXYGEN leftover from the launch.
They look at each other -- it's over.
KAY
See? I knew you had my back.
Jay hears footsteps. Looks up and sees the SHADOW OF A TALL
MAN -- REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO JAY'S OWN SILHOUETTE.
As the footsteps approach, the shadow grows smaller,
shrinking to KID SIZE. It's a boy.
KID'S VOICE
Dad? What's going on?
The kid steps into the light -- backlit -- but from the shape
of his head and Jay's reaction, this kid could only be YOUNG
JAY.
JAY
Where there is death, there will
always be death. He saved your
life. He swapped his for yours.
He saved the world.
Kay puts a firm hand on Jay --
KAY
I'll take it from here.
Kay steps away... but turns back.
In a replay of the moment from the first movie, Jay tosses
Kay a modern Neuralizer.
JAY
Leave me some memories this time,
OK?
KAY
Sure, partner. I'll see you
around.
104.
JAY
Yes you will.
Kay turns back to the boy, takes his hand.
Jay watches them from a distance:
Kay takes something off the ground where The Colonel's body
was -- hands it to the son.
KAY
Hey, look -- your Dad wanted you to
have this.
Kay gives the kid a shiny new commemorative Apollo key chain.
Jay looks in his pocket -- the same key chain, scratched and
worn.
YOUNG JAY
Where is he?
KAY
Your daddy had to go -- he's part
of the space program, now. He's
okay, he just had to take a trip up
to the stars, but you'll be just
fine. I'll keep an eye on you...
They are silhouetted by the bright light of the Apollo
launch...
Jay takes out his iPhone and ALL GOES WHITE...
PURE WHITE LIGHT...
And it resolves into...
NEW YORK - BACK TO PRESENT DAY...
Jay comes to in the Apple Store, looks to the sky and
THE MISSILES ARE STILL COMING!!!
JAY
Noo!!!!
And then...
A giant PONG PADDLE rises over the horizon and
PONGS THE MISSILES BACK INTO SPACE
105.
EXT. MIB HQ ENTRANCE/VENTILATION BUILDING
Jay is walking on air -- thrilled to see the deadpan security
guard.
JAY
It's good to see you, man.
He gives him a hug-- gets a "what the hell?" face.
INT. MIB HQ
Jay is thrilled to be back -- hugging everyone he can.
No one else knows what he's talking about -- from their POV
he never left... It all seems the same except for quick shots
of Ex the bitter janitor, aged Devil Girl pushing the coffee
cart...
Jay bounces through the MiB HQ -- it's just a regular day to
everyone else, but it's HOME SWEET HOME to Jay.
He even gives the worm guys a big, gushy hug.
A crowd of people gathers around Kay, congratulating him on
winning the Bowling trophy... AGAIN.
Kay looks up -- SMILES BIG when he sees Jay.
KAY
Alright, everyone, give me and my
partner here a minute.
They leave the guys alone. A beat -- and Jay just wraps him
in THE BIGGEST HUG EVER.
JAY
It's good to see you, man. So
good. I just... do you remember...
I mean, do you know what I've been
through?
Kay just stares at him.
KAY
You mean, do I remember that you
travelled back in time to save my
life and the world? Not bad,
slick. Not bad.
JAY
No problem. You'd do the same for
me. I just have one question...
(MORE)
106.
JAY (CONT'D)
When you disappeared... Why didn't
I forget you when everyone else
did?
KAY
Well, I don't know exactly.
Because I was dead. But in a
quantum reality, objects can exist
in contradictory states... So
multiple timelines with varying
probabilities can exist, and the
one you're closest to
MATHEMATICALLY--
JAY
Oh, you're talking about our
closeness... you're talking about
our love... Across timelines!
You're saying our love will go on!
Kay swats him away -- but the love couldn't be more clear.
Jay feels something in his pocket -- the keychain. Takes it
out.
JAY (CONT'D)
He was a good man.
KAY
Yes he was.
JAY
I'm glad I know that.
KAY
So you travelled back in time, huh?
JAY
Yep.
KAY
Wow. And you didn't change
anything?
JAY
No.
KAY
You're sure? Because the littlest
thing can have huge repercussions.
JAY
I was very careful.
107.
KAY
Good man, good man. Well, let's
get you a uniform.
JAY
Excuse me?
We PULL BACK --
Revealing PRESENT DAY MIB IN ALL ITS KICKASS GRANDEUR.
Eternally vigilant in the struggle to protect the Earth and
all its inhabitants...
And every one of those agents wearing BLUE SUITS WITH SHORTS.
JAY (CONT'D)
Even I can't make that look good.
FADE TO BLACK.
