Rev. 08/20/02 (2nd Blue)
Rev. 08/22/02 (2nd Pink)
Rev. 01/29/03 (2nd Yellow)
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED
Written by
Fax Bahr & Adam Small &
Jamie Kennedy and Nick Swardson
Story by
Nick Swardson & Jamie Kennedy
and Fax Bahr & Adam Small & Jamie Kennedy
FULL YELLOW DRAFT
July 25, 2002
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED
MUSIC: GRAND MASTER FLASH'S "The Message" KICKS IN and
as MAIN TITLES ROLL we...
FADE IN:
1 EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAY 1
A tricked-out Cadillac Escalade with the windows tinted
deep black rolls INTO FRAME.
FLASH (V.O.)
'It's like a jungle sometimes,
It makes me wonder how I keep from
going under...'
A1 ESCALADE A1
passes three people doing tai chi on a bluff overlooking
the ocean...
FLASH (V.O.)
'Broken glass everywhere, people
pissing on the stairs
you know they just don't care...'
B1 ESCALADE B1
passes a gorgeous Labrador retriever snatching a Frisbee
midair...
FLASH (V.O.)
'Can't take the smell,
Can't take the noise,
Got no money to move out
I guess I got no choice...'
C1 ESCALADE C1
passes two horse back riders galloping along the beach...
FLASH (V.O.)
'Rats in the front room,
Roaches in the back...'
D1 ESCALADE D1
passes a gleaming mansion with a massive putting green-
like lawn...
(CONTINUED)
2.
D1 CONTINUED: D1
FLASH (V.O.)
'Junkie's in the alley
With a baseball bat...'
E1 ESCALADE E1
passes blonde Little Leaguers playing baseball in crisp
new uniforms.
FLASH (V.O.)
'A crazy lady, livin' in a bag,
Eatin' outta garbage pails,
Used to be a fag hag...'
F1 ESCALADE F1
passes two rich housewives clutching shopping bags from
the most expensive stores on the planet...
FLASH (V.O.)
'Don't push me cuz I'm close to
the edge,
I'm tryin', not to lose my
head...'
G1 ANGLE ON ESCALADE G1
Drives through a security gate and into a gated community
of brand new mansions...
FLASH (V.O.)
'It's like a jungle sometimes, it
makes me wonder,
How I keep from goin' under...'
CUT TO:
2 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION (MALIBU) - DAY 2
A small crowd and the press are gathered around BILL
GLUCKMAN, his wife BESS (40s, lots of plastic surgery)
and daughter BRENDA (11) who are on the porch of their
12,000-square-foot mansion.
(CONTINUED)
3.
2 CONTINUED: 2
BILL
... And so if you elect me
governor, I promise to take care
of California the same way I take
care of my own family; with
compassion, caring, kindness, and
most of all, with an interest in
everyone. My friends...
(catch phrase)
'California is my family!'
The crowd cheers and waves "Gluckman For Governor" signs.
BILL
Speaking of family, I'd like to
introduce my wife Bess...
Bess smiles and waves.
BILL
... and my daughter, little
Brenda.
Brenda smiles and waves like a campaign-trail veteran.
BILL
Any questions?
The press begins shouting questions. Bill picks...
BILL
Deb?
REPORTER #1
Where's your son?
Bill is instantly flustered and TOM GIBBONS, Bill's
campaign manager (African-American, but the soul of
William F. Buckley) steps in front of Bill.
TOM
Thank you for all your questions,
but we've run out of...
Just then the ground shakes with a frightening RUMBLE.
Everyone quiets down -- is it an earthquake? As the
RUMBLE HITS again, the surface of the water in the koi
pond ripples, a la Jurassic Park.
Reporters look around anxiously as another RUMBLE HITS;
Bill's face falls as he sees...
(CONTINUED)
4.
2 CONTINUED: (2) 2
The Escalade rolls into the driveway, hopping up and down
on its amped-up hydraulics like something from Crenshaw
Boulevard on a Friday night.
The rear doors pop open and MOCHA (a.k.a. CHADWICK VAN
PELT), dressed head to toe in hip-hop gear, steps out of
the passenger side.
MOCHA
Yo yo yoooo! Listen up, y'all!
He lays down a beat "human beat box"-style as MONSTER
(a.k.a. MIRIAM SHAIDELBAUM) climbs out. She's big,
wearing short shorts, a tight leather halter, huge hoop
earrings and oversized designer sunglasses.
MONSTER
Y'all better chill...
Next out is HADJI (a.k.a. YUSEF AMIRASLANI), a skinny
Persian kid with cornrows.
HADJI
... 'cuz B-Rad G about to get
ill!!!
The driver's door swings open, and a gleaming white pair
of four hundred dollar, untied Nike sneaks as they step
to the pavement; we CRANE UP, PAST Nike sweats, to BRAD
GLUCKMAN, wearing a do rag under his Nike baseball cap.
BRAD
Yo! What's up all you media
people?! This is B-Rad G, kickin'
it real from the 'bu,
represizzin'!!!
Four fine white girls in bikini tops, vinyl shorts and
Timberlands come out and dance behind Brad, shaking
everything they've got. Reporters move in like vultures.
BRAD
'Y'all gathered here on this
special occasion.
Listen to my pops, he's your
West Coast liaison'
So show up, don't make me throw
up.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
5.
2 CONTINUED: (3) 2
BRAD (CONT'D)
Take out your purse and cough some
dough up.
My chickens get wit you, if you
vote right.
And don't worry y'all, cuz my
girls is tight.
Immigration, education, runaway
inflation.
California ain't flowin' like old
constipation.
Vote Bill G on your election
ballot.
If you don't I'm gonna hit you wit
a mallot!
Get Glucked y'all!
Tom again steps in and blocks Brad from view.
TOM
That's it for today, guys, very
busy schedule, thank you!!
Reporters shout questions as Tom herds Bill up the steps.
Two staff members hustle Brad into the house.
CUT TO:
3 INT. MANSION - DEN - 15 MINUTES LATER 3
Bill Gluckman's election team (GARY, JEN, and BRETT) work
the phones as Tom paces; Bill stares out the window,
lost.
TOM
What's the damage?
JEN
We're down nine points in the
polls.
BILL
In fifteen minutes?
GARY
And dropping.
BILL
It's a disaster.
(CONTINUED)
6.
3 CONTINUED: 3
TOM
What's the spin?
BRETT
I called the Times and the
Chronicle, they're gonna play the
whole thing off as a joke.
BILL
Thank God.
TOM
How the hell did this happen?
BILL
I have no idea. I thought he was
out of town.
TOM
Jen, I gave you specific orders to
get some handlers and keep Brad
locked down until after the
announcement.
JEN
I did! They flew to the ranch in
Maui last night!
TOM
Maui?! Wasn't he at the villa in
South Hampton?
BILL
I thought he was at the chalet in
Aspen.
GARY
(checking laptop)
Nope... It was the compound in
Bermuda.
TOM
Oh for God's sake! Can't we --
Brad enters and Tom shuts up.
BRAD
Yo, Pops, that was off the
hizzook! I just got you another
million votes right dare!
(CONTINUED)
7.
3 CONTINUED: (2) 3
Brad's pants are so baggy, they fall to his ankles,
exposing his boxers. Brad pulls them up.
BILL
What are you doing here, son?
BRAD
I knew I had to show up in order
for you to blow up. So I had
Captain Tony fire up the Lear
jizzy and booya! I'm in da hizzy,
gonna be on the campaign trizzy,
24/seven, you know, kissin' babies
and whatnot. Pound it!
Brad holds out his fist and Bill reluctantly hits it. On
his way out, Brad chest-bumps Tom.
TOM
Bill, you've got to shut this
down, now. Tell Brad he can't
work with you, period.
BILL
No, no. I love his enthusiasm...
It's just a little misguided.
There must be something he can do
for the campaign, where he can't
hurt us.
TOM
Such as...?
BILL
I don't know... phones, stuffing
envelopes, making signs,
something.
CUT TO:
4 EXT. HANCOCK PARK - BACK YARD - DAY 4
Bill is at the end of a stirring speech to the Women's
Organization of California.
BILL
... in Bill Gluckman's
administration, women will have
better health care, women will
have better day care, and women
will have better jobs! From here
on in, my campaign has a new
slogan!
(CONTINUED)
8.
4 CONTINUED: 4
IN WINGS
Tom signals Brad, who enthusiastically yanks a cord, and
we...
CUT TO:
WIDE SHOT - HUGE BANNER
unfurls behind Bill. It is spray-painted graffiti-style,
and reads: "BILL GLUCKMAN'S DOWN WITH THE BITCHES AND
HO'S!"
IN WINGS
Brad looks on proudly; Tom closes his eyes, a migraine
kicking in.
CUT TO:
5 INT. LIMO - DAY 5
An angry mob of women chase the limo as it backs down the
driveway full speed.
BILL
(stunned, hollow)
Bill Gluckman's down with the
bitches and ho's'?
TOM
It was supposed to read, 'Women
are first with Gluckman.'
BRAD
That's old school. Pops, you got
to keep your pimp hand strong.
CUT TO:
6 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - DAY 6
The limo pulls in. Bill, Tom and Brad get out.
BRAD
Peep y'all later. I'ma go work on
my new campaign rhyme, 'Election
Erection.' It's gonna be large!
Yo! I'ma start on a new sign.
(CONTINUED)
9.
6 CONTINUED: 6
He heads for the house.
TOM
That's it, Bill. If Brad doesn't
straighten up, your political
career is finished.
BILL
No, Tom. I promise you, I will
not lose this election over my
son.
TOM
What are you going to do?
BILL
Set up an appointment with my
shrink.
CUT TO:
7 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY 7
Plush. Brad sits unhappily on an overstuffed couch
opposite DR. FELDMAN. Bess and Bill sit off to the side.
DR. FELDMAN
So... Bradley...
BRAD
Why you keep callin' me dat?
DR. FELDMAN
Well that's your name, isn't it?
BRAD
It's my slave name, a'ight? I
told you like fi'ty times.
DR. FELDMAN
(sighs)
Yes, okay... B-Rad...
BRAD
Wassup?
DR. FELDMAN
Let's play an association game.
He picks up three CD's, keeping the backs to Brad.
(CONTINUED)
10.
7 CONTINUED: 7
DR. FELDMAN
Alright, B-Rad. I want you to
look at these...
He turns the first one around. It's an NWA CD. Next is
a Snoop CD, then a Naz CD, and last is Brad's high school
yearbook photo.
DR. FELDMAN
Now, which one doesn't belong?
BRAD
Shoot. N.W.A., fool. They broke
up a long time ago.
BILL
(losing temper)
Dammit, Brad, stop acting like a
gang member. You're from Malibu,
you live in a nice home...
BESS
With nice maids!
DR. FELDMAN
Bill, Bess, go to your happy
places.
Bill sits back, frustrated.
DR. FELDMAN
What are your goals, B-Rad? What
do you want out of life?
BRAD
To be the biggest rapper dere ever
was! See, I got something to say,
and I need the world to hear it.
I'm the shiznit. I'll buy y'all
cars!
DR. FELDMAN
I see. And when did you first
start feeling like you were
this... shiznit?
BRAD
Oh, damn... way back in the day.
I've had these beats in my head
since I was a little shortie...
DISSOLVE TO:
11.
8 FLASHBACK - INT. GLUCKMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY (1980) 8
Toddler Brad (3 years old) sits on the floor, playing
with a toy as GLADYS, Brad's housekeeper (African-
American, thirty) vacuums, while listening to her
Walkman. The PHONE RINGS, Gladys pulls off her Walkman
headphones and answers the RINGING PHONE.
GLADYS
Gluckman residence.
Brad takes the headphones and pulls them over his ears.
GLADYS
No, Bill and Bess are out of the
country until December.
His eyes go wide as the hip-hop gold enters his head for
the first time...
BRAD (V.O.)
From then on it was hip-hop
24/seven.
DISSOLVE TO:
9 INT. GLUCKMAN DINING ROOM - NIGHT (1984) 9
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BRAD sits alone at the table, wearing a
Run DMC hat (a la "Rock Box", playing with his food. His
headphones, around his neck, BLARE NWA.
BESS (V.O.)
Finish those vegetables, Bradley.
BILL (V.O.)
You can't be excused until you do.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD-BRAD
Tch. Forget y'all.
REVEAL: on the table across from Brad is a video
conference system. Both parents are on separate monitors
-- Bess's has a sign that reads, "Paris," and Bill's
reads, "Tokyo." There is a place setting in front of
each monitor, as if they're dining with him.
BILL (V.O.)
That's it, mister.
BESS (V.O.)
When we get home... sometime in
the near future... you're going to
be in big trouble!!
(CONTINUED)
12.
9 CONTINUED: 9
Using the remote, Brad changes the channel on his
parents' monitors to "Yo MTV Raps."
DISSOLVE TO:
10 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) 10
DR. FELDMAN
What I'm sensing, Brad, is that
your parents weren't really there
for you.
BRAD
Nope.
BESS
(defensive)
That's ridiculous!
BILL
What about your bar mitzvah?
DISSOLVE TO:
11 FLASHBACK - INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY 11
(1990)
Bill and Bess enter with suitcases. The house is crowded
with relatives and Brad's 13-year-old friends.
BILL
Mazel tov, Bradley!
UNCLE LOUIE, fifty and fat, with prayer shawl and
yarmulke, moves past them and calls out to Brad:
UNCLE LOUIE (O.S.)
What's the theme of your party,
kid? Star Wars? Baseball?
Superheroes?
REVEAL: THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BRAD dressed like Flava Flav,
a big clock around his neck, looking like he's just
smelled a fart.
BRAD
It's O.P.P., bitch!
Brad exits through French doors, and as we FOLLOW him
OUTSIDE NAUGHTY BY NATURE'S "O.P.P." KICKS IN.
13.
12 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BACK YARD - SAME TIME 12
It's like we've suddenly stepped into a hard-core rap
video -- big-bootied home girls in bikinis freak with
clean-cut Jewish kids as the staff serve barbecue and
malt liquor to the freaked-out guests. Among them, we
see a 13-year-old HADJI, MONSTER, and MOCHA, all nicely-
dressed for temple. Above, a huge spray-painted banner
reads: "MAZEL TIZZOV B-RAD, ON HIS BAR MITZVAH!"
DISSOLVE TO:
13 OMITTED 13
& &
14 14
15 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) 15
Bess sniffles and dabs her eyes.
DR. FELDMAN
Bess, I'm sensing you'd like to
share.
BESS
B-Rad, you're a wonderful son...
it's just that, well --
BILL
Oh stop beating around the bush,
Bess. What we're trying to say
is, Brad, that your behavior is,
well, it's an embarrassment to the
family.
BRAD
Yo, Pops, that hurts my feelings.
BILL
I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
BRAD
Don't be hatin'.
BILL
And, Brad... I can't have you on
the campaign any longer.
BRAD
What?! Oh that's how it is?
A'ight then. I'm Audi! I need to
take a drive.
(CONTINUED)
14.
15 CONTINUED: 15
Brad leaves, slamming the door behind him.
BESS
What can we do, doctor?
DR. FELDMAN
Well, his lack of parental
guidance left Brad wide open to
outside influence, allowing hip-
hop culture to firmly imprint on
his psyche.
BILL
Do you think we can bring him
back?
DR. FELDMAN
(grim)
I don't know. This is the most
advanced case of gangsta-phrenia
I've ever seen.
BESS
Oh no, not gangsta-phrenia!
CUT TO:
A15 EXT. GLUCKMAN BACK YARD - POOLSIDE - DAY A15
Brad relaxes in a lounge chair, wearing sunglasses and
sipping on a forty. Bess enters wearing a Chanel suit.
She sits on the lounge chair next to him.
BESS
Bradley, I know you're busy, but
we need to talk.
Brad lifts his sunglasses and turns to his mother.
BRAD
What's up?
BESS
After our therapy session I
realized that your father and I
could have been better parents.
We neglected you and I feel
terrible.
(CONTINUED)
14A.
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED - Rev. 8/22/02 (2nd Pink)
A15 CONTINUED: A15
BRAD
For real?
BESS
Yes. So from here on out I'm
going to be a better mother. I
want to get closer to you... be
there for you. If ever you
need --
Just then, her CELL PHONE RINGS. She pulls it out from
her hip and answers.
BESS
Hello? Celeste! When did you get
back?! What?! Oh my God! I've
been waiting for that bag for six
months!
(to Brad, covering
phone)
It's my personal shopper.
(back to phone)
Stay right there. I'm on my way!
She stands.
BESS
So... where we... Oh yes. I'm
always here for you, Bradley. Do
you have my cell number?
She hands Brad a piece of paper and exits. Brad pulls
down his shades and takes a long sip from his forty.
16 OMITTED 16
17 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - PATIO - NOON 17
Brad sits at the massive dining room table as Gladys pours
him a big glass of grape juice, then cuts up his food.
BRAD
Gladys?
GLADYS
Yeah?
BRAD
Ever feel like you don't belong?
(CONTINUED)
14B.
17 CONTINUED: (A1) 17
GLADYS
All the time, baby. Most folks
only feel comfortable around folks
who are the same as them. When
they meet someone different, they
get scared and angry, wanna keep
'em down.
(CONTINUED)
15.
17 CONTINUED: 17
BRAD
What do you do about it?
GLADYS
Nothin' to do but keep it real.
Be proud of who you are.
BRAD
Yeah, you right... Gladys, when
they gonna leave our people alone?
GLADYS
(emotional)
I don't know, baby, I just don't
know...
(notices Brad's plate)
Eat your greens before they get
cold, boy.
A PAGER GOES OFF. Brad searches his pockets, pulls out a
pager -- that's not it; pulls out another pager -- that's
not it either; pulls out a two-way -- that's the one.
BRAD
(reading pager)
Oh no, not again!
He gets up and runs out of the room.
CUT TO:
18 INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - WAR ROOM - DAY (SAME TIME) 18
Bill, Tom, the staff, and several AIDES of varying
ethnicity are mid-meeting.
TOM
How'd it go with Feldman?
BILL
Great news. If he sees Brad five
days a week, he says we'll see
improvement in three to four
years.
JEN
But... the election's in two
months.
BILL
Right, good point.
(CONTINUED)
16.
18 CONTINUED: 18
TOM
We've been brainstorming on some
different approaches, and I think
we may have something solid here.
BILL
I'm all ears.
TOM
Guys?
The team gathers around -- it's a gang pitch.
BRETT
Brad might act 'ghetto,' but let's
face it, he's never been east of
Beverly Hills.
JEN
But what if we give him a little
dose of reality?
GARY
Let him get a firsthand look at
the ghetto.
BILL
You mean, have Brad actually... go
there?
TOM
Exactly.
BILL
Sounds dangerous...
BRETT
It'll be perfectly safe.
BILL
How does it work?
JEN
We hire actors to play gangsters.
TOM
They car-jack Brad, then take him
on a 'tour' of the 'hood... give
him a little taste of what thug
life's really like. It might just
scare the black out of him.
(CONTINUED)
17.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
Tom gets strange looks from everyone.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN AIDE
Excuse me?
TOM
Look, I'm as down as the next
brother, guy... fellah. I grew up
in Compton, okay? But let's get
over the P.C. thing and face
facts. Unless we do something
soon, Brad's gonna cost us this
election.
The team all nods.
BILL
I don't know... it sounds so drastic.
TOM
Maybe drastic is what Brad needs,
Bill. He is twenty-four. I mean,
what's he gonna do for a living,
rap?
They all chuckle. Bill sighs.
BILL
Who do we get for the gangsters?
TOM
Remember the anti-crime spot we
shot last month?
GARY
We've got it cued up.
They turn to the TV and Gary hits PLAY.
On the monitor: A Gluckman campaign ad plays.
19 EXT. GHETTO BASKETBALL COURT - DAY 19
A young, black gangbanger (SEAN), glares at camera.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
For too long, street violence has
torn Californians apart...
A second banger (PJ), glares at camera.
(CONTINUED)
18.
19 CONTINUED: 19
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Bill Gluckman wants to put our
divisions behind us.
We cut wide: to reveal Bill Gluckman standing in between
the two gangbangers. He's in shirtsleeves, tie loosened.
BILL (V.O.)
Fellas, instead of thinking of
yourselves as what set you're
from, or what crew you're rolling
with, why can't you both be
brothers. What do you say?
SEAN (V.O.)
I guess we never thought of each
other like that.
PJ (V.O.)
Me neither, dawg.
PJ and Sean think is over, nod and shake hands.
BILL (V.O.)
You see...
(turning to camera)
'California is my family'...
Cut to angle on Bill and the gangbangers playing
basketball, having a wonderful time.
BILL (V.O.)
If we work together as a family
there's no telling how high we can
go.
Bill flies by, obviously from an O.S. trampoline, and
soars over the gangbangers for a monster dunk.
Freeze on: the two awestruck "gangbangers."
18 BACK TO SCENE 18
As they talk we see Brad, out the window, raising a
banner.
TOM
Those are our guys, right there.
BILL
Will he be safe?
(CONTINUED)
19.
18 CONTINUED: 18
TOM
Absolutely.
BILL
(fed up and
confused)
I don't know... can't we just...
He looks out the window and sees Brad's new banner. It
reads, in graffiti colors: "ELECTION ERECTION."
BILL
Alright, fine, just do it.
CUT TO:
20 INT. MALI-BREW - DAY 20
Brad urgently runs into the Mali-Brew Coffee Shop
(Starbucks clone), where he and his crew spend ninety
percent of their time. He is stopped at the door by a
very worried Mocha and Monster.
BRAD
Lemme go.
MOCHA
You don't want to see him like dis.
BRAD
What happened?
MOCHA
He O.D.'d again.
BRAD
Why didn't you stop him?
MONSTER
I tried, yo!
BRAD
How many did he do?
MOCHA
Like twelve, thirteen, I don't
know!
BRAD
Damn. Twelve Frapachizzo's.
Brotha's caffeined out. Move
aside.
(CONTINUED)
20.
20 CONTINUED: 20
Brad pushes past and looks on in horror at Hadji, pacing
and talking to himself like a rabid dog on angel dust.
HADJI
I'ma get mine! Step, fool! I'll
cut you, I swear!
BRAD
Just chill, Hadji, we're here to
help. What's up?
HADJI
(frenzied)
I... I... I was pickin' up
aromatherapy candles at
Illuminations for Moms, right?
And the counter trick gave me
lemon when I specifically axed for
lilac!
Brad turns to Hadji.
BRAD
It's on now!
MUSIC: PUBLIC ENEMY'S "Fight The Power" KICKS IN as
we --
CUT TO:
A20 EXT. MALI-BREW - DAY A20
Brad, followed by his crew, exit, ready for battle.
CUT TO:
B20 INT. MALL - DAY B20
We're still listening to "FIGHT THE POWER," only now it's
a Muzac version, piped in through the mall's PA SYSTEM.
Brad, Hadji, Monster and Mocha strut through the mall.
Rich shoppers get out of the way.
CUT TO:
C20 INT. MALL - ILLUMINATIONS - MOMENTS LATER C20
Brad and his crew approach the OLD WOMAN CASHIER.
(CONTINUED)
21.
C20 CONTINUED: C20
BRAD
Yo, fool! We got some hard-core
drama 'bout to go down right neow!!
HADJI
Dat's right!
BRAD
Dis is our mall. Always was and
always will be!
MOCHA
Woof woof!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, Mr. Amiraslani. I'm so glad
you came back. Our clerk
accidentally gave you the wrong
aromatherapy candles. Here you
go.
She hands Hadji a box marked "Lilac."
BRAD
You better be validatin' my
parking?
OLD WOMAN
Of course, sir.
BRAD
Dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout. We
get ours!
CUT TO:
21 EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 21
Tom, standing by a limo, is speaking with Sean and PJ,
dressed as their actual, preppy selves.
SEAN
(incredulous)
Hold the phone, buddy... you want
us to scare this kid until he
starts acting like a nice little
white boy again?
TOM
Don't think you can handle it?
(CONTINUED)
22.
21 CONTINUED: 21
SEAN
Of course I can handle it. I
studied at Juilliard for God's
sake.
TOM
Fantastic.
Tom hands them a manila envelope.
TOM
Here's some background information
on Brad.
PJ pulls Brad's CD from the envelope.
INSERT - CD COVER
It is Brad, throwing the Malibu sign, surrounded by women
in thongs with gigantic asses. The title, in graffiti
font, reads: "MALI-BOOTAY!"
PJ (O.S.)
Malibootay?
BACK TO SCENE
TOM
He considers himself a 'rapper.'
SEAN
Frickin' A.
They all laugh. Tom hands them a checklist/itinerary.
TOM
Okay, so here's the story -- it's
your basic kidnapping...
SEAN
So we hold him for ransom?
TOM
Right. But when you see him
acting ghetto and all, it pisses
you off so much, you tour him
around the 'hood to show him what
things are really like.
(hands PJ a list)
I had my guys brainstorm a few
ideas...
(CONTINUED)
23.
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
PJ
(reading list)
'Mugging, drive-by shooting, crack
deal gone bad...'
SEAN
Why don't you have him steal some
watermelon while you're at it?
TOM
Pays fifteen grand apiece.
SEAN AND PJ
(quickly)
We're in.
TOM
Good.
SEAN
Wait -- we're kidnapping him,
couldn't we get arrested?
TOM
Got you covered. Mr. Gluckman's a
billionaire -- if you run into any
problems with the law, we're very
close with the commissioner. On
the flip side, if you screw up and
a single hair is touched on
Bradley's over-privileged head, I
will make sure that you do serious
time. Clear?
SEAN
Cris... tal.
TOM
Good.
PJ
What about the money?
Pulls out a smaller envelope.
TOM
Five up front, twenty-five when
you return him to us, white.
SEAN
... As the driven snow.
(CONTINUED)
24.
21 CONTINUED: (3) 21
TOM
I'll call you.
Tom gets in the limo and leaves as Sean and PJ head for
their car.
PJ
Congrats, my brother. We just
booked another gig.
SEAN
Yeah, but it's totally dangerous,
dude. You know what it's like in
the 'hood. We could get shot!
PJ
We can handle ourselves. Come on,
man, it's the ultimate acting
challenge.
SEAN
You know what really chaps my ass?
After years of training and study,
the only parts they'll give us are
gangbangers. Just once I'd like
to play a character who has decent
grammar and doesn't wear
Timberlands.
PJ
Beats gettin' dunked on by Bill
Gluckman.
SEAN
Do we even know anybody down
there?
They think, then come up with it at the same time.
PJ
My cousin.
SEAN
Shondra.
CUT TO:
22 INT. MALL FOOD COURT - WIENIE IN A BUN - CLOSE ON 22
SHONDRA - DAY
in a Wienie In a Bun uniform, chewing gum and looking
like she's smelling something nasty.
(CONTINUED)
25.
22 CONTINUED: 22
She's at the counter facing Sean and PJ. PJ studies the
menu.
SHONDRA
You zooted, nigga?
WIDER
SEAN
Honest to God.
SHONDRA
That's the stupidest thing I ever
heard. I got better things to do
with my time, boy.
SEAN
Like work at Wienie In A Bun?
PJ
Really. You're the one always
talkin' about improvin' yourself.
SHONDRA
I am improvin' myself, fool. I
broke up with no-good gang-bangin'
Tec, I'm going to beauty school,
then I'ma hook up my own salon...
PJ
In the meantime, how about hooking
a brother up with a Pepsi and some
fries?
SHONDRA
Shut up, stupid.
SEAN
Do this, Shondra. You'll get some
real money so you can quit this
minimum wage crap and start up
your business.
SHONDRA
What you payin'?
SEAN
A grand.
SHONDRA
Make it trey, we on.
(CONTINUED)
25A.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
SEAN
Jesus Christ, three grand?
SHONDRA
Or you can kiss my ass.
PJ
Deal. Now how about those fries?
MUSIC: An UPTEMPO RAP TRACK KICKS IN as we...
CUT TO:
26.
A22 INT. SEAN AND PJ'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A22
Sean sits on a second-hand couch in their barren, low-
rent apartment, concentrating on reading an Ebonics
dictionary. PJ enters from outside, sweating and
carrying a heavy box marked: "JOHN'S PROP HOUSE." He
wears a stylish Nike baseball cap.
PJ
We're strapped now, my brother.
He sets the box down and begins pulling out guns.
SEAN
They have everything we ordered?
PJ
Glocks, Uzis, Tec-9s...
PJ takes off the cap to wipe his brow, revealing that his
hair has been braided into cornrows.
SEAN
What the hell is that?
PJ
Oh, my hair? Shondra just did it.
(off Sean's look)
What? You hate it?
SEAN
No. I just think it's a choice my
character would have made.
PJ
Don't go there, Sean. You're just
jealous you didn't think of it
first.
SEAN
Whatever.
DISSOLVE TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
Sean enters with a big box marked "THUG LIFE." He has on
a wig identical to Larenz Tate's braids and beads in
Menace II Society.
SEAN
Okay, got the gangsta wear.
(CONTINUED)
27.
A22 CONTINUED: A22
PJ bursts into laughter.
SEAN
What's so funny?
PJ
That wig, man! I didn't know this
was Halloween. Bring me back some
candy!
He doubles over, falling on the floor.
SEAN
Whatever.
Sean yanks the wig off and whips it into the corner.
DISSOLVE TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
PJ has on baggy jeans. Sean yanks them down so his
boxers are hanging out. PJ smiles -- perfect.
DISSOLVE TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
PJ and Sean, now in full gangsta gear, practice their
pimp struts...
DISSOLVE TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
Sean and PJ stand side by side in front of a full-length
mirror, practicing making angry faces and pulling guns
from their pants, as we...
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE ON SEAN
His face filled with rage.
SEAN
Gimme your ride, punk, or I will
dust yo ass!
(CONTINUED)
27A.
A22 CONTINUED: (2) A22
WIDEN to reveal PJ watching Sean, shaking his head.
PJ
Nope, you're not convincing me.
Remember your core character.
You're an oppressed black man from
the ghetto.
SEAN
Yeah, I know, I'm having trouble
finding this one. Lemme try it
again. Gimme your ride, punk, or
I will dust yo ass!
PJ
Add a 'beeyotch' and I think
you're there.
MUSIC: the MUSIC SEGUES from our MONTAGE RAP BEAT TO
Mocha's HUMAN BEAT BOX, as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
B22 EXT. MALI-BREW PARKING LOT - LOW ANGLE - DAY B22
as a car door opens, boots hit the pavement, and
Shondra's incredibly fine ass slides INTO FRAME. We
FOLLOW it as it moves to:
23 INT. MALI-BREW - DAY 23
Shondra enters, looking ghetto fab hot. People look at
her like she just landed from Mars. She raises her
sunglasses, sees Brad and crew playing dominoes at a
table. Brad slaps down the winner; points at Monster.
BRAD
I'm thin to win!
(raps to Monster)
'The name is B-Rad,
Not Robbie Van Winkle...
Go get my latte nonfat,
And don't forget the sprinkle!'
They pound and congratulate Brad on his brilliance.
Shondra drops her shades back down and moves in. Hadji
sees her first. His jaw drops, then he tugs on Mocha's
shirt, whose jaw drops, then Mocha tugs on Brad's shirt.
BRAD
Yo, what up, fool? I'm --
(CONTINUED)
27B.
23 CONTINUED: (A1) 23
Brad sees Shondra and freezes. Everything goes SLOW
MOTION.
BRAD'S POV - SHONDRA
strutting toward him.
BACK TO SCENE
BRAD
Girl you fly.
(CONTINUED)
28.
23 CONTINUED: 23
SHONDRA
Thank you.
BRAD
Let me get them tig ol' bitties.
SHONDRA
Word up.
She throws open her shirt, and before we see anything
we...
CUT TO:
REVERSE ANGLE - BRAD
His eyes go wide, then we're...
BACK TO REAL TIME: Brad snaps to as Shondra brushes by
and then moves to the counter.
BARISTA
Can I help you?
SHONDRA
Coffee.
BARISTA
Tall, Grande, Venti, nonfat,
soy --
SHONDRA
Big...
(pointed)
...black.
BRAD
(to Barista)
Yo, Krista the Barista. Put it on
my account.
(to Shondra)
Get yourself a blueberry scizonne
too, girl.
SHONDRA
Cool, playa.
She smiles. Brad follows her over to the condiment
table.
(CONTINUED)
29.
23 CONTINUED: (2) 23
BRAD
I ain't seen you in here before.
Where you reside?
SHONDRA
Compton. You?
BRAD
The streets.
SHONDRA
Which streets?
BRAD
Malibu... Represent.
Bard throws the "M" sign.
SHONDRA
Right. I guess it's pretty
hardcore up in here.
BRAD
Hell yeah.
(points to his crew)
I'm down with the P.C.H. Hustlers.
And dems over dere...
Brad points to three white wannabes in another corner.
BRAD (O.S.)
The Calabasis Crabs... and behind
dem...
We PAN TO another table, where four thug posers sit.
BRAD
... the Palaside Pimps.
SHONDRA
Damn. How do you deal?
BRAD
All day every day.
She smiles seductively.
SHONDRA
Was that you droppin' rhymes when
I came in?
(CONTINUED)
30.
23 CONTINUED: (3) 23
BRAD
Hell yeah, I'm a rhyma on tima...
Brad hands her his CD.
SHONDRA
Mali-boo-tay, huh? Looks phat.
You gettin' any air play?
BRAD
I'm holdin' out for Power 106. I
sent Big Boy a CD, he just ain't
gotten back to me yet.
SHONDRA
Sounds just like that fat fool.
I'll talk to him 'bout it.
BRAD
(blown away)
Hold dup? You know Big Boy?
SHONDRA
Hell yeah. I see him at the swap
meet almost every Sunday.
BRAD
For rizzill?!
SHONDRA
For rizzeal.
BRAD
Yo. Holler at him for me.
SHONDRA
I don't know. I guess you do
kinda got it goin' on... It's
funny. I was just on my way down
to see him. Wanna roll with me?
BRAD
Now?
(thinks)
Well, tonight was my Seder
dinner...
SHONDRA
Just helping out a brotha.
(CONTINUED)
31.
23 CONTINUED: (4) 23
BRAD
(kisses Chai)
Let's bounce.
SHONDRA
I'm just gonna hit the ladies'
room, a'ight, pimp juice?
She heads off. Brad turns to his posse.
BRAD
Yo, y'all, this fine dimey is
hookin' me up with Big Boy
hisself.
HADJI
Shut up!
BRAD
I ain't lyin'!
They pound, shake, hug.
HADJI
Yo, but what about us?
BRAD
Start droppin' beats. Soon as I
sign with Biggy, we gonna need
some sick tracks.
HADJI
Bet!
They all pound as Mocha starts throwing beats.
24 INT. MALI-BREW BATHROOM - SAME TIME 24
Shondra's on her Nextel cell phone.
SHONDRA
It's on.
CUT TO:
A24 INT. CAR - DAY A24
Sean listens to Shondra on his Nextel, then looks at PJ
and nods gravely.
31A.
25 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - MOVING - DAY 25
They drive along the Santa Monica Freeway, heading east.
SHONDRA
So what do you rap about?
(CONTINUED)
32.
25 CONTINUED: 25
BRAD
Oh, I can rap about anything.
SHONDRA
For real?
BRAD
Yeah, lemme kick it freestyle.
(raps)
'Traffic, traffic,
Lookin' for my Chap Stick,
Feelin' kinda carsick,
There's a Ford Maverick...'
(back to talking)
See? Dat's a million-dollar song
right dare.
SHONDRA
So, how did you get to be so down?
BRAD
I been a playa all my life, girl.
And I must say, of all the sisters
I been wit', you de finest. So,
you got a man?
SHONDRA
(bitter)
I did, but I just got through
kickin' his sorry ass to the curb.
I ain't nobody's 'gangsta
hoochie.' I am an entrepreneur.
BRAD
Word.
(then)
What's that?
SHONDRA
A businesswoman.
BRAD
Oh.
SHONDRA
One day I'ma have a chain of
beauty salons all up in the 90210,
just like Starbucks, only instead
of coffee, with hair and nails.
Makin' sick money turnin' all the
rich hoochies ghetto fab.
(CONTINUED)
33.
25 CONTINUED: (2) 25
BRAD
That's genius, girl. Damn. You
fine and smart too. You gonna
blow up huge, no doubt.
She's taken aback by his sincerity. She doesn't get much
validation from guys.
SHONDRA
Thank you.
BRAD
For real, girl. You like a cross
between Martha Stewart and Oprah.
I'ma call you Mothrah.
She gives him a strange look, then notices where they
are.
SHONDRA
Take this exit.
Brad swerves across three lanes of the freeway to take
the exit, and suddenly finds himself actually in South
Central. He's awestruck -- he notices a homeless guy
with a shopping cart loaded with bags of stuff.
BRAD
Yo. He really should use
delivery.
Suddenly Sean pops his head into the car and stares
directly at Brad. He puts a prop Tec 9 in Brad's chest
and yanks him out of the car.
SEAN
Gimme yo ride, punk, or I will
dust yo ass... beeyotch!
BRAD
What?!
SEAN
You're gettin' jacked! Move!
BRAD
Shondra?!
SHONDRA
Shut up, fool!
(CONTINUED)
34.
25 CONTINUED: (3) 25
BRAD
Dis a come-up?!
SEAN
No. It's a stickup.
BRAD
I think I'm gonna throw up.
PJ
And I'm about to wet you up if you
don't move!
BRAD
(meekly)
Does this mean we're not going to
Big Boy's?
PJ
Big Boy's? What this fool talkin'
about?!
SEAN
You jus' been kidnapped.
They throw Brad in the car and get in.
A25 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - CONTINUOUS ACTION A25
Sean takes off.
BRAD
Kidnapped?!
PJ
Yeah. We got your rich Gluckman
ass now!
BRAD
How you know me?
SEAN
We saw you on the news the other
night!
(mocking)
B-Rad!
PJ
Your papa's gonna pay or you're
gonna pay!
(CONTINUED)
34A.
A25 CONTINUED: A25
Brad sneaks out his two way and types in...
INSERT - TWO-WAY
as Brad's frantic message pops on: "911! 911! I BEEN
CAR JACKED! HELP! B-RAD!" A hand slaps a domino
violently down next to the pager as we...
CUT TO:
26 INT. MALI-BREW - WIDE SHOT - DAY 26
Monster has just slammed down the winner, and the PAGER
with Brad's message flies off the table and SHATTERS on
the floor. Monster, Mocha and Hadji are unaware.
MONSTER
Bam! Y'all owe me seven hundred
dollars!
(CONTINUED)
35.
26 CONTINUED: 26
Hadji reluctantly hands her a wad of cash as she laughs.
HADJI
A'ight, come on now, let's stop
messing around. B told us to lay
down some beats for the new album.
MONSTER
Lemme go free style.
HADJI
Free style, please! Your momma
rap better than you.
MONSTER
Don't you talk about my momma.
HADJI
I'll talk about your momma all I
want.
MONSTER
You ain't got the bizalls, bitch!
HADJI
Oh yeah? Peep dis. Your momma's
so poor, when she shops at
Barneys, she has to drive herself!
MOCHA
Oooh!
MONSTER
Yeah? Well your momma's so poor,
when she went to Monte Carlo, she
flew commercial.
MOCHA
Dang!
HADJI
Your momma's so poor, her round
the world cruise ended in Spain!
MOCHA
Bam!
MONSTER
Your momma's so poor, when she
stayed at the Four Seasons, she
could only afford three.
(CONTINUED)
36.
26 CONTINUED: (2) 26
MOCHA
Oh damn, it's on now!
CUT TO:
A26 EXT. SHONDRA'S FRONT YARD - DAY A26
The ESCALADE pulls into Shondra's driveway and SCREECHES
to a stop. PJ hauls Brad out of the back as Sean climbs
out.
PJ
Let's get him inside.
BRAD
Dang. Why you doin' this to a
brother?
SEAN
A brother?
PJ
Oh no you didn't.
SEAN
Whose brother?
BRAD
Yours, y'all. I'm down.
SEAN
Down? God damn!
PJ
Uh-oh. You done did it now.
SEAN
You are not black! You can never
be black. And your perpetratin'
ass is stealin' the only thing I
got -- my culture!
PJ
What the hell makes you think you
know what's goin' down in the
'hood?!
BRAD
B.E.T.
(CONTINUED)
37.
A26 CONTINUED: A26
PJ
You think this is a joke, wigga?!
BRAD
I'm sorry. Don't be hatin'.
SEAN
You a long way from the beach now,
punk! You in South Central. The
ghetto. The 'hood. It's hard
core up in here! People here die
every day!
Two LITTLE GIRLS are walking by.
LITTLE GIRL #1
Hey, Shondra! Can you come on by
later? Princess just had her
litter of puppies.
SHONDRA
(seeing Brad looking
puzzled by this;
waving)
Okay then.
PJ
(covering)
They're pit bulls.
SEAN
Mean pit bulls.
PJ
Now get ya ass inside.
CUT TO:
27 OMITTED 27
thru thru
A34 A34
34 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - DAY 34
Sean and PJ push Brad in. Bars are on the windows. Sean
pats Brad down, and pulls out his pager.
SEAN
You got anything else on you,
fool?
(CONTINUED)
37A.
34 CONTINUED: 34
BRAD
Uh... just this...
Brad pulls out another pager, a phone, another phone.
Sean and PJ both pull several more out of his other
pockets, as well as his wallet.
PJ
All that James Bond electronic
crap can't save you now, fool.
Sit ya ass down.
Brad does, and PJ duct-tapes his hands behind his back.
PJ
We gonna go call yo daddy.
SEAN
You better pray he home. If he
not, you're one dusted trick!
Sean, PJ and Shondra exit, slamming the door behind them.
35 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 35
Sean and PJ immediately drop their bad-ass personas.
SEAN
Did you buy my rage?
PJ
You're indicating.
SEAN
I'm indicating?
(CONTINUED)
38.
35 CONTINUED: 35
PJ
(imitating)
'I will smoke your dumb wigga
ass'? Come on.
SEAN
(imitating back)
'If he not, you're one dusted
trick!' Please!
SHONDRA
Would you two fools shut the hell
up?
SEAN
Sure, Shondra, sorry. You're on.
Go play good cop. We've gotta
call Tom.
Shondra rolls her eyes and heads back into the room.
36 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 36
Shondra enters. Brad turns away.
SHONDRA
You a'ight in here?
BRAD
Oh yeah. I just been kidnapped,
carjacked, hands tied behind my
back, but other than that, it's
all good.
SHONDRA
Look, I'm sorry about all that, it
wasn't my idea.
BRAD
I thought you liked me.
SHONDRA
I do.
BRAD
Then how come you set me up?
SHONDRA
I had to. They...
(emotional)
... they threatened to kill me if
I didn't play along.
(CONTINUED)
39.
36 CONTINUED: 36
BRAD
(wide-eyed)
For real?
SHONDRA
Oh yeah. They straight-up killas.
BRAD
(even more wide-eyed)
For Real?!
SHONDRA
Lemme school you on something,
help you to stay alive, a'ight?
The one thing they hate more than
anything, that really sets them
off, is posers.
BRAD
I feel you, girl, me too.
SHONDRA
I'm talkin' 'bout you!
BRAD
Me? But I hate posers! I got a
Ph.D. -- a Poser-Hater Degree.
SHONDRA
Come on. Quit frontin'.
BRAD
I ain't fron'in'.
SHONDRA
Listen to reason. If you just be
a nice little white boy and say
you're sorry, I think I can
convince them to let you go.
BRAD
Damn. I am who I say I am. Why
won't anyone believe me? This is
a issue that's been comin' up a
lot in my life lately.
A36 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME A36
Shondra exits, shakes her head "no" to Sean and PJ.
(CONTINUED)
40.
A36 CONTINUED: A36
SEAN
What's next?
PJ refers to the itinerary they got from Tom.
PJ
How about... number three?
SEAN
Yeah, perfect. Let's take it to
another level, my man.
He and PJ "get into character" and head in.
B36 INT. SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION B36
They enter and glare at Brad.
SEAN
A'ight, we put the call in to yo
pops, and you know what he said?
BRAD
Huh?
PJ
That he'd have to think about it.
BRAD
(incredulous)
What? Straight up?
PJ
He's not sure he wants you back,
cuz.
SEAN
Can't see as I blame him.
BRAD
Come on, y'all, quit hatin'. I'm
just a rapper, that's it.
SEAN
Wigga please!
Sean cuts the duct tape with a blade.
SEAN
Come on.
(CONTINUED)
40A.
B36 CONTINUED: B36
PJ
What you doin', fool?
SEAN
I'ma teach this little white girl
a lesson!
PJ
No, dawg, stick to the plan. Lay
low here at the crib 'til we get
the ransom.
SEAN
The plan just done changed, Tree.
Wannabe claims he down, I'ma show
him just how un-down he is.
Sean yanks Brad out by his collar.
CUT TO:
41.
37 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - LATE AFTERNOON 37
Sean pulls in and parks in front of a small Korean
grocery.
SEAN
A'ight, Malibu, go get us six 40s
of O.E.
PJ
And a fifth of Henny.
(to Sean)
Anything else?
BRAD
I'd like some Pringles.
SEAN
This ain't a picnic, bitch!
BRAD
I'm sorry, I'm sorry... y'all got
some duckets, 'cause I'm tapped.
SEAN
You about to go up in there and
give this Korean bitch yo ends?
Hell no.
PJ
You jack that shit.
SEAN
And if the Asiatic gives you any
static, show the brotha this...
He hands Brad one of the prop guns -- a Glock. It's
heavier than Brad thought. He drops it.
PJ
Little trick claims he down, can't
even swing a gat.
BRAD
But...
SEAN
Do it, punk, or I'll use that on
you.
BRAD
Okay, a'ight, I'll do it.
(CONTINUED)
42.
37 CONTINUED: 37
PJ
You try to get away, I'ma let you
get a little taste of my steel,
understand?
He holds up his prop gun.
BRAD
I feel you.
Brad sticks the prop gun into his pants and gets out. As
soon as he's in the store, Sean and PJ burst into
laughter.
PJ
This is gonna be classic.
SEAN
He's gonna run out of there a
scared little white boy.
They laugh again and pound it.
CUT TO:
38 INT. KOREAN GROCERY - SAME TIME 38
Brad walks in, very nervous. He looks back -- his car is
parked so that PJ can see him through the door. PJ
smiles and shows him the gun again. Brad swallows and
approaches the counter. The KOREAN GUY behind it watches
him closely.
KOREAN GUY
Yes?
BRAD
Yeah, uh, where the Old English
at?
KOREAN GUY
Back there, under security camera.
BRAD
Thank you, sir.
Brad hurries to the back of the store, and spots a door
by the beer cooler. He tries to open it. It's locked.
Brad looks up to the security mirror and sees that the
Korean Guy is watching him. He moves to the beer cooler
and tries to calm down.
(CONTINUED)
43.
38 CONTINUED: 38
BRAD
Namyoho renge kyo, namyoho renge
kyo, namyoho renge kyo and
whatnot...
It's not working. Brad tries a cleansing breath. It
doesn't help either. Brad gathers up an armful of Old
English 40s and heads for the front. The Korean Guy
watches him as he walks past the counter toward the door.
KOREAN GUY
Can I help you?
BRAD
Naaw, but I'ma help myself to all
this O.E., and whatever else I
want!
KOREAN GUY
No, stop.
Brad drops the beer. It CRASHES to the floor in SLOW
MOTION. Brad makes a crazy, threatening face as he pulls
back a fist, but the Korean Guy throws a fast right hand,
landing squarely on Brad's chin. Brad goes down like a
sack of hammers; then we FLASHBACK TO:
Moments earlier: We realize we've just been in a fantasy,
as Brad again approaches the counter with his beer.
KOREAN GUY
Can I help you?
BRAD
(nervous)
Let me axe you something. Ever
been robbed?
KOREAN GUY
Oh sure. Last week was my fifty-
fourth time. But they were cool,
no gun to head, never scream; you
know, good people.
BRAD
Cool.
He sets the 40s on the counter, then reaches into his
waistband for his gun, and we...
CUT TO:
44.
A38 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - SAME TIME A38
SEAN
How much did you have to give this
guy, anyway?
PJ
What are you talking about?
SEAN
(slowly)
When you set this thing up
yesterday, what did you pay?
PJ
I thought you set it up.
SEAN
You mean the owner doesn't know
this is all fake?
PJ
Oh damn.
SEAN
Get in there! He could get shot!
PJ
I'm not going in there! You go in
there!
They continue to argue as we...
CUT TO:
B38 INT. KOREAN GROCERY - CASHIER COUNTER - SAME TIME B38
Brad finishes reaching into his waistband for the Glock,
but feels something else. He pulls out a small wallet
that was Velcroed to his belt.
BRAD
My emergency stash. Thank you
God.
He pulls out a hundred and kisses it.
KOREAN GUY
(cheerful)
Glad you got cash, 'cause if you
try to jack me, I was gonna have
to lay you out wid dis...
(CONTINUED)
45.
B38 CONTINUED: B38
He whips a .44 from under the counter and aims it at
Brad.
KOREAN GUY
... and wid dis.
The Korean Guy's wife has an AK-47 on Brad, the red dot
of its laser sight trained steadily in the middle of his
forehead.
KOREAN GUY
... And wid dat.
The Korean Guy's six-year-old boy has a sawed-off shotgun
pointed at Brad's knees. The gun is bigger than the boy.
The Koreans laugh at Brad. Brad drops the hundred on the
counter.
BRAD
Keep the change.
KOREAN GUY
(ringing it up)
Thank you very much. Come again.
As Brad looks out to make sure PJ and Sean haven't seen
anything, the Korean Guy sticks the receipt in between
two of the 40s. Unaware, Brad gathers his stuff and
heads to the door.
BRAD
Uh, I know this is gonna sound
wack, but what I'm about to do is
just a joke, so don't shoot me,
okay?
C38 EXT. KOREAN LIQUOR STORE - SAME TIME C38
Sean and PJ, who are just running up to the door, watch
stunned as Brad exits the store, pulling his gun out.
BRAD
That's right! Next time I'll bust
a cap in yo trick ass!
PJ
Did he actually do it?
SEAN
This can't be happening.
(CONTINUED)
46.
C38 CONTINUED: C38
BRAD
(still shouting)
Yeah. I'ma come back later and
get some more.
Brad turns to the guys.
BRAD
Let's dip!
SEAN
(incredulous)
You did it?
BRAD
Straight up. Trick didn't do
nothin'.
PJ
Yo, what up with this?
PJ pulls the receipt off of his 40.
PJ
If you jacked this, how come you
got a receipt?
Brad freezes. They both stare at him.
BRAD
I stole that too!
CUT TO:
39 OMITTED 39
40 INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - SPA - NIGHT 40
Bill and Tom lie facedown on matching massage tables,
while massage therapists rapidly pound their backs.
ANGLE UNDER TOM'S TABLE
Tom is reading the itinerary through the face hole in his
table. As the masseuses pound their backs, Tom and
Bill's voices vibrate.
(CONTINUED)
47.
40 CONTINUED: 40
TOM
... a meet and greet with
Greenpeace, then drinks with the
offshore oil lobby.
CLOSE ON BILL
face through hole.
BILL
Terrific. How's the Brad project
doing?
TOM (O.S.)
Smooth... he's in South Central.
BILL
And he's okay?
TOM (O.S.)
He's in excellent hands.
CUT TO:
41 EXT. KOREAN LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT 41
Sean, holding Brad by the shirt, slams him against the
Escalade.
SEAN
I've about had it, boy!
BRAD
Who you callin' boy?
SEAN
You got about five seconds to get
real, or I'ma Timbo stomp your ass
to de curb!
BRAD
What do you mean, get real?!
SEAN
Act your white self!
He shoves a prop gun into Brad's ribs.
SEAN
Five! Four!
(CONTINUED)
48.
41 CONTINUED: 41
BRAD
(freaking)
Okay, a'ight, chill.
Brad takes a deep sigh, looks them in the eye, and begins
to talk like a conservative white guy.
BRAD
I guess I now know I can never be
as cool as you guys. I promise I
will never, ever front or act like
a thug again, and I'm really
really sorry if I offended you.
Sean and PJ move off to the side.
PJ
You buying it?
SEAN
I can't tell.
PJ
Me either.
SEAN
Let's give him the test.
CUT TO:
42 INT. MOVIE THEATER - ANGLE ON BRAD - NIGHT 42
Brad, in the seats, eating popcorn non-stop. He is
flanked by Sean and PJ... They both watch Brad, as he
stares at the horror film play on the screen.
SEAN
(off Brad's look)
You a'ight, man?
Brad snaps out of it for a minute.
BRAD
("white" guy)
Great, fine. Terrific popcorn.
SCARY MUSIC KICKS IN; Brad's eyes snap back to the
screen. He struggles to contain himself. The MUSIC
INTENSIFIES, we hear FOOTSTEPS, then a DOOR HANDLE
TURNING, and Brad can't hold on any longer. He leaps up,
screaming...
(CONTINUED)
49.
42 CONTINUED: 42
BRAD
(as himself)
Run, bitch, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!
He gonna kiiiiiilllllll you!
Other Patrons (multi-ethnic) turn and angrily "shush"
Brad. Sean and PJ lock eyes: he failed the test.
CUT TO:
43 INT. ESCALADE - DRIVING - NIGHT 43
Sean and PJ are furious. Brad is apologetic.
BRAD
I'm sorry, y'all, but this is just
who I am. I'm a rapper straight-
up.
SEAN AND PJ
Wigga, please!
BRAD
No, for real. I can rap about
anything.
(goes into rap)
'Bloodbath and Tree, hang all day,
They real tight, but they ain't
gay... No, they okay...'
PJ
(incensed)
You think you got mad skills, huh?
Well, we'll see about dat.
44 EXT. PROUD CHICKEN - LATER 44
Sean, PJ, and Brad approach the club.
SEAN
I done had it with you, fool. You
better check yourself before you
wreck yourself. This ain't
Malibu!
BRAD
(sotto)
Represent.
(CONTINUED)
49A.
44 CONTINUED: 44
PJ
Yeah, we gonna see what you
represent neeow. We at the club.
SEAN
Cube, Snoop, they all came up
through here.
PJ
You want to prove yourself, this
the place to do it.
They shove Brad into the club, then turn to each other
and giggle like school girls.
SEAN
This is definitely gonna do it.
PJ
Pay day!
They pound and follow Brad into the club.
CUT TO:
50.
A44 OMITTED A44
45 OMITTED (MOVED TO SCENE 44) 45
AA45 INT. THE PROUD CHICKEN - NIGHT AA45
Brad enters and takes in the club. Think 8 Mile.
Hardcore GANGSTER TYPES and some tough HOME GIRLS check
out rapper, DROP, whose ferocious, gravel-voiced raps
show you exactly what kind of place you're in.
SEAN
How you feelin' now, Malibu?
BRAD
Finally, a place where I feel at
home.
PJ
(disgusted)
Get yo' ass in there.
Brad boldly fist-shakes jaw-dropped patrons as he wades
through the crowd, AD LIBBING "Whassup?" and "Pardon me,
homey."
ON STAGE
DROP finishes and the MC brings up STEEL and YOUNG DRE,
announcing the Battle Rap Competition. Steel and Young
Dre battle -- both are top-notch. At every insult, the
crowd ROARS.
A45 ON BALCONY A45
Shondra is talking to a HOME GIRL, checking out the crowd
below. She suddenly sees Brad. She's eyes-wide
horrified. Steel finishes, the crowd CHEERS, and Young
Dre starts in on the mic.
SAME SCENE - MEANWHILE
Sean and PJ leave Brad and fight through to the DJ table,
where the MC is standing, timing Young Dre.
Brad looks around, then up. He sees Shondra and starts
for the stairs.
(CONTINUED)
51.
A45 CONTINUED: A45
ON THE BALCONY
TEC (O.S.)
Hey, girl. Where you been?
She turns and faces TEC, her ex-boyfriend, a no-nonsense
roughneck gangbanger. He's very soft-spoken, almost
expressionless.
SHONDRA
None of your damn bizness, Tec.
Now let go.
She yanks her arm away from him.
TEC
Y'all been busy, huh?
SHONDRA
Too busy for you.
TEC
You been gettin' busy?
SHONDRA
Hell no.
TEC
Come on, girl, I'm cool. Just
tell me who it is.
SHONDRA
All you need to know is that it
ain't you, okay?
TEC
You know, you ain't shit, Shondra.
You're just a chickenhead, and
that's all you'll ever be.
Just then, Brad walks up, grinning like a fool.
BRAD
What up, girl?!
He gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.
SHONDRA
You a'ight?
(CONTINUED)
52.
A45 CONTINUED: (2) A45
BRAD
I'm fine, but you the finest!
(to Tec)
She a genius too, man! I'm
tellin' you, one she gets set up,
Mothra gonna blow up like Rosie
O'Donnell's head!
TEC
Don't tell me you been hittin'
that?
She tries to pull away, but Tec holds on tight.
BRAD
Damn, man. Don't you know how to
treat a lady? That's not nice.
SHONDRA
Brad, don't --
TEC
It's cool, Shondra. The brutha's
right.
Tec releases Shondra's arm and immediately grabs Brad by
the throat and hangs him over the balcony.
TEC
Didn't yo mama teach you to mind
you own bizness?
BRAD
(being strangled)
Don't be hatin'.
SHONDRA
Don't do it, Tec!
BRAD
Auuuuuuuuu!
Tec feels everyone looking at him. Now is not the time.
He releases Brad and composes himself.
TEC
Y'all both gonna be sorry.
Tec stalks off.
SHONDRA
You alright?
(CONTINUED)
53.
A45 CONTINUED: (3) A45
BRAD
(coughs)
I'm okay. Who was that?
SHONDRA
Old history. Come on.
Shondra grabs Brad and moves him to the stairs.
B45 AT THE DJ TABLE B45
Sean and PJ finally make it to the MC, who stands with
the DJ.
SEAN
Yo!
Sean bumps the DJ table. A vicious look from the DJ, as
Sean tries to play it off. The MC just looks at him
disdainfully.
PJ
Uh... My boy want Young Dre next.
The MC looks them over...
MC
Hell, nah...
SEAN
Maybe a C-Note would open some...
equal opportunities?
MC
(takes the cash)
What's his name?
SEAN
B-rad. From Malibu.
The MC makes a face, but puts down Brad's name anyway.
PJ
(enthusiastically)
Hey playa... You got any Will
Smith back there?
The MC just looks at him...
46 OMITTED 46
& &
47 47
54.
A47 SAME SCENE - MEANWHILE A47
Shondra hauls Brad down the stairs and stops near the
entrance.
BRAD
Damn Shondra, where's the fire at?
SHONDRA
(fishing in her bag)
You're going home.
BRAD
You settin' me free?
SHONDRA
No. I'm savin' your ass. I'm not
havin' your blood on my hands.
(hands him keys)
It's the blue Honda across the
street.
FROM THE STAGE
MC
A-ight y'all. Up next, to
challenge Young Dre, we got... B-
rad from Malibu.
Looks of confusion, as the Crowd searches for "B-rad."
SHONDRA
Wait a second. Brad, don't do it.
Brad turns to Shondra, looks at the keys, and shakes his
head.
BRAD
Shondra, I gots to do 'dis. this
is my shot. I gotta prove myself.
Shondra can't argue. Brad starts to the stage. A WAVE
OF SHOCK, as the crowd realizes who B-rad actually is.
SHONDRA
This is gonna be like an episode
of 'Oz.'
Brad gets his game face on and walks the gauntlet on his
way to the stage -- an imposing path of intimidating
looks.
(CONTINUED)
55.
A47 CONTINUED: A47
He is then dragged up onto the stage. He misinterprets
the ANTAGONIZING CHANTS as encouragement and tries to
high-five the crowd -- no takers. The MC and Young Dre
laugh at him.
YOUNG DRE
Nah, nah, nah... I ain't gonna
battle no bitch. What am I? Ike
Turner?
The crowd LAUGHS. Brad cluelessly laughs along with
them.
MC
A-ight, a-ight... We gotta do
this. Yo, Saltine... Heads or
tails?
BRAD
Tizzaizzlszzs!
Everyone is totally confused.
BRAD
(apologetic)
Tails... I want tails.
The MC flips and "tails" it is.
MC
You wanna go first?
BRAD
Nah... Ladies first.
Brad LAUGHS, turning to the crowd to appreciate his lame
burn... Nothing. Young Dre looks furious.
Young Dre grabs the mic and the DJ spins. Young Dre
proceeds to incinerate Brad. With every line, the crowd
goes insane. (NOTE: Actual Young Dre Rap to Come.)
As Young Dre flows, Brad is visibly shaken, but tries to
play it off -- not so discreetly scribbling notes on his
hand and up his arm.
Young Dre finishes with devastating blow, dropping the
mic on the stage. The crowd goes wild...
MC
Whooo... GOD DAMN! Now, let's see
if this Eminem melts in yo ass and
in your hand.
(CONTINUED)
55A.
A47 CONTINUED: (2) A47
The DJ kicks the beat and the MC throws Brad the mic. He
misses it and it drills him in the forehead. The crowd
LAUGHS. Brad tries to regain his composure...
BRAD
Can we start again? I lost my
place.
TAUNTS and LAUGHS as the beat plays again. Brad wags his
head, ready to come in strong. He looks down at his
notes... He's sweating so badly his arm is a mess of
runny ink.
He freezes again... The crowd is really on him now --
collectively making the "choke" sign.
BRAD
I'm cool... I'm cool.
Brad finally starts up.
BRAD
'You big and rough,
You act all tough,
I bet in your childhood
You never had much love.
(finishing)
Alert the media,
I'm a rap encyclopedia,
My shrink says I suffer from a
case of gansta-phrenia,
I'm tryin' to be meania,
I'm feeling much vigor,
I'm the "Bu's" number one,
hardcore NIGGAA!!!
Complete silence.
PJ
(terrified, to SEAN)
Let's get the hell out of here.
Brad looks around as blank faces stare back at him.
BRAD
I'm sorry...
The crowd erupts with outrage and rushes the stage.
SMASH CUT TO:
(CONTINUED)
55B.
A47 CONTINUED: (3) A47
BRAD
WAILS with terror as he's passed hand-over-hand above the
CURSING CLUB PATRONS, (crowd surfing-style) toward the
exit.
Four THUGS run Brad out of the back door, into the...
B47 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT B47
... where they launch him into the dumpster with a
resounding THUD.
Brad's landing causes the lid to SLAM violently shut, and
forces Sean and PJ, who've been hiding behind it, to pop
up.
SEAN
What was that?
A RUMBLE comes from the dumpster and they pull back the
lid.
ANGLE ON: Inside the dumpster where Brad lies in the
bottom -- his fall was broken by several loaves of old
Wonder Bread.
PJ and Sean fall into hysterics, as Shondra emerges from
the club. She finds PJ and Sean apoplectic with
laughter, shakes her head and begins to help Brad out of
the dumpster.
48 BY BAR 48
Tec watches it all going down.
SNUFFY, 20, skinny but tough-looking chollo, and not a
member of Tec's crew, is standing next to Tec.
SNUFFY
You gettin' played, ese.
TEC
Excuse me?
SNUFFY
(laughing)
Loco boy hittin' your lady, homes,
and she's diggin' it.
TEC
Yeah, Snuffy, that's right.
(CONTINUED)
56.
48 CONTINUED: 48
Tec starts to laugh, then suddenly his fist explodes into
Snuffy's face. Snuffy drops, and Tec starts to stomp him
until his boys, 8-BALL and DEUCE, pull him off.
8-BALL
Not here, Tec.
TEC
A'ight, y'all, let's roll.
DEUCE
Whatchoo wanna do?
TEC
Bag me a white boy.
As they move toward the exit we...
CUT TO:
49 EXT. HIP-HOP CLUB - NIGHT 49
Sean and PJ are laughing uproariously. Brad walks in
between them, devastated. Shondra's behind, looking
bummed out as they head for the car.
SEAN
Hey y'all, check this out. I can
rap about anything! Haaa!!
PJ
Word.
(bad white rapping)
'Listen, all you rappers, the
name's Brad Gluckman. When on the
mic you could say I really suck
man!'
They burst out laughing. Brad just stares ahead,
pouting, sick to his stomach.
SHONDRA
A'ight, y'all had your fun, why
don't you chill...
PJ
'Cuz B-Rad G about to get ill!!!
They burst out laughing again as they head for the car.
(CONTINUED)
57.
49 CONTINUED: 49
SEAN
Damn. I haven't laughed like that
in a long time. 'Fess up, boy,
you can't hang.
BRAD
I just want to go home.
PJ
Uhn uhn, ain't happening. By the
way, forgot to tell you. We heard
from your pops, and guess what?
He ain't payin'.
SEAN
He thinks y'all belong down here
in the 'hood with us brothas,
seein' how you so 'down' and all.
PJ
So, I guess that means we got to
ice your punk ass.
BRAD
I don't care no more. I got
nothin' to live for. Go ahead and
smoke me.
Brad gets in the car. Sean and PJ look at each other --
this isn't what they expected.
CUT TO:
50 OMITTED 50
A50 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - SAME TIME A50
(NOTE: Scene A50 was formerly scene 54)
Brad's lying on the bed, looking up dreamily.
VOICE (O.S.)
Psst. Hey, dawg.
BRAD
Huh?
VOICE (O.S.)
Down here, dawg.
Brad looks over the edge of the bed. A small gray RAT
looks up at him.
(CONTINUED)
57A.
A50 CONTINUED: A50
BRAD
Stuart Little?
RAT
Negro, pleeeze. That little white
rat ain't got nothin' on me -- yo,
I'm Ronny rizat, represizzat.
BRAD
I ain't never seen no talking rat
before. Although at the Malibu
County Fair they had a chicken
that played tic tac toe. Man, I
hated losing to that chicken.
RAT
Why you so down, dog?
BRAD
I'm a failure.
RAT
Nah, nah it's not like that. You
need to stop listening to what all
them perpetrators is running and
believe in yourself.
BRAD
For real?
RAT
For riz-real. Pound it.
They punch it in.
BRAD
So you saying if I put my mind to
it I can be whatever I want to be?
RAT
Damn straight.
BRAD
I could be a highstylin' pimp?
RAT
They stylin-est.
BRAD
I could drive a mad '63 El Camino
with 43-inch gold-plated dubs and
a trunk full o' bitches?
(CONTINUED)
57B.
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED - Rev. 1/29/03
A50 CONTINUED: (2) A50
RAT
You could have a roof rack full of
bitches. And some teeny-tiny
little bitches in the glove
compartment.
BRAD
And I could be the biggest rapper
in the world.
RAT
Rapper? Hell no! You stink! I'd
rather eat garbage than listen to
your tired ass rhymes.
(thinks about it)
Hmmm, garbage. That's making me
hungry. Peace out.
The Rat runs off. Brad sighs, flops back down on the
bed, utterly depressed.
CUT TO:
51 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 51
Brad lays on the bed, moonlit through the bars of the
window. Shondra enters. Brad rolls over, away from her.
SHONDRA
Hey... You okay?
Brad sniffles.
SHONDRA
You know, it's not as bad as it
seems.
(CONTINUED)
58.
51 CONTINUED: 51
BRAD
It's worse. Everybody's right.
My rhymes is weak.
SHONDRA
You just need a little experience.
BRAD
I should've run when you gave me
the chance.
SHONDRA
Naw. You were right. I respected
you for getting' up there.
BRAD
But you heard 'em laughing. I
ain't nothin' but a busta.
SHONDRA
They just don't understand you.
None of them know how hardcore it
is up in... Malibu.
BRAD
(perking up)
Yeah?
SHONDRA
Yeah with the... traffic, and
the... parking, and...
BRAD
(getting excited)
Like, when the public be all up in
your private beach?
SHONDRA
Right. You just got to stick with
it, you know, don't let anyone
tell you who you are.
Brad smiles, looks at her.
BRAD
Thanks, Shondra.
(beat)
You know what I was sayin',
earlier, in the car, about being a
playa and all? Well... I was just
foolin'. I never been with a
sister before.
(CONTINUED)
59.
51 CONTINUED: (2) 51
SHONDRA
(mock surprise)
For real?
BRAD
Except for on the internet.
SHONDRA
I never would've known.
BRAD
(shy)
I think you about the finest girl
I ever met in my whole life, and,
well, since they gonna ice me in
the morning, I was wondering...
could I, kinda like, kiss you?
She thinks, smiles, then sits down next to him on the
bed. Brad sits up and looks at her face in the
moonlight.
BRAD
You're so pretty.
SHONDRA
Thank you.
Brad leans in and kisses her tenderly. She kisses him
back. Encouraged, Brad opens his mouth wide and tries to
stick his tongue down her throat. She pushes him back.
SHONDRA
I said kiss, fool. Damn.
She gets up and heads for the door.
SHONDRA
I offered you a snack, not the
whole kitchen.
BRAD
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm chill.
She rolls her eyes and leaves. Brad falls back on the
bed, a dreamy smile on his face.
BRAD
Totally chill.
CUT TO:
60.
52 EXT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME 52
Tec, with his crew, drives up, lights out, and KILLS the
ENGINE. He looks at the house with death in his eyes.
53 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 53
Shondra exits the room and faces Sean and PJ.
SHONDRA
A'ight, that's it, this game is
lame. I want my money, and then
y'all can get out.
PJ
But we're not done yet...
SHONDRA
You ain't never gonna be done.
Did it ever occur to you two
jackasses that this is the way he
really is?
SEAN
No way.
PJ
Not possible.
SHONDRA
Whatever. Look, I did what you
asked, and I want my money.
SEAN
Okay, I'll get it, you know, but
settin' everything up was
expensive, and I don't exactly
have it right now.
SHONDRA
Excuse me? You playin' me?
Shondra hands Sean the phone.
SHONDRA
Y'all get me my money now, or I'ma
go in there and tell him what's
up.
SEAN
Alright, okay, just relax...
As Sean starts to dial, we --
CUT BACK TO:
54 OMITTED 54
thru thru
60 60
A61 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN OFFICE - NIGHT A61
TOM
Yes, Sean. How's our little
project going?
(CONTINUED)
67.
A61 CONTINUED: A61
SEAN (O.S.)
Great, terrific, we're making real
progress here.
61 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 61
Sean reads from the checklist Tom gave him.
SEAN
Your suggestions were really
helpful. He totally bought the
car jack and kidnapping...
61A INT. SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME 61A
Brad listens intently as Sean continues.
SEAN (O.S.)
... we staged a fabulous liquor
store robbery. Mr. Gluckman's
going to be very happy...
Brad's eyes widen.
SEAN (O.S.)
But, he's still posing, so we
wanted to put him in a drive-by
shooting next... but, it's a
little more money then our
original projections...
Brad slumps back. He can't believe it.
61 BACK TO SEAN 61
SEAN
So I was wondering if I could get
an advance.
TOM (V.O.)
No deal. You get the rest when
Richie Cunningham steps through
the door here, and not one second
sooner, understand?
SEAN
But -- Mr. Gibbons, hello?
68.
B61 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT B61
Brad crawls out from the vent and goes to the mirror.
BRAD
Damn... they been playin' me all
along. How could dey do dat? How
could she do dat?
(getting angry)
What-ever. If them fools wanna
play, then let's play.
He heads for the door, bad-ass and hardcore.
62 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 62
Suddenly, Brad's boot comes through the door. WOOD
SHATTERS everywhere. Brad steps through with a furious
look on his face. Shondra, Sean and PJ stare in shock.
SHONDRA
What the hell do you think you're
doing?
BRAD
Hey! Listen up... Brad G is in da
hiz, and things gonna start
changin' round here!
PJ
(to Sean)
Do something.
SEAN
You must be out yo mind. Get back
in that room before I beat your
ass!
BRAD
You feelin' froggy, den leap!
Sean backs down.
BRAD
Anyone else wanna step?
SHONDRA
(slightly attracted)
What the hell got into you?
BRAD
Shut up, ho.
(CONTINUED)
69.
62 CONTINUED: 62
SHONDRA
Who you callin' ho, ho?
BRAD
Yo, ho, the same ho that gave up
that weak-ass kiss five minutes
ago in the bedroom.
PJ
Really? Damn.
SHONDRA
(pissed off)
Who the hell do you think you
are?
BRAD
I'm B-Rad G, from 'Bu,
representin'! What y'all don't
realize is that I was tryin' to
put my mobbin' days behind me, but
rollin' with y'all done re-awoke
my inna killa. Let's start
droppin' bodies!
Shondra, PJ and Sean watch, stunned, as Brad grabs a prop
gun, his car keys and heads out.
SEAN
Come on, girl. Let's go!
SHONDRA
Uhn uhn. You created that
monster, you deal with it.
PJ
But we got big a problem here.
SHONDRA
Until I see my money, it's your
problem.
Sean and PJ exit quickly.
CUT TO:
63 EXT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 63
Brad's at the car door as Sean and PJ exit and run up.
(CONTINUED)
70.
63 CONTINUED: 63
SEAN
Where the hell you goin'?
BRAD
I need to take a drive.
PJ
Come on, man. Chill.
BRAD
Today is a good day to die, didn't
have to use my A.K...
(Ice Cube-like)
Yey yey!
SEAN
Why you talkin' crazy?
BRAD
(getting in car)
Might as well go out in a blaze of
glory. My daddy don't love me, my
rhymes is played. I ain't down
enough for y'all --
SEAN
(panicked)
No. You down, right PJ, er, Tree?
PJ
That's right, Bloodbath, he's very
down. As down as they come.
Suddenly, Tec jumps up, yanks Brad's door open and shoves
a Nine in his side.
SEAN
Oh my God.
TEC
Get out of the car, white boy.
BRAD
Oh, you dat weak fuck from de
club.
Tec can't believe what he's hearing.
BRAD
(not impressed)
Got somethin' for me?
(CONTINUED)
71.
63 CONTINUED: (2) 63
TEC
(pulling a Tec 9)
Just this cap, fool! You ready to
die?
BRAD
Ain't that a coinky-dink? I was
just talkin' to my homies about
just dat...
TEC
Move!
BRAD
(getting out of car)
A'ight, but y'all should change up
your style, cuz these jackings is
gettin' tired.
He heads for Tec's car.
BRAD
Yo, Bloodbath, if there's one tiny
scratch on my ride, I'ma eat
y'all's children.
(cheerfully)
Shotgun!
TEC
Tape up this fool's hole, man.
A crew member yanks out some duct tape and tapes over
Brad's mouth, then they throw him in Tec's trunk and slam
it shut. Tec steps up to Sean and PJ.
TEC
What should we do with this
Bloodbath and his friends?
SEAN
(panicked)
I'm not Bloodbath! My real name
is Sean James, I'm an actor. I
swear!
TEC
Is Shondra hittin' the white boy?
SEAN
No way, man. She's in on the
scam, just like us.
(CONTINUED)
72.
63 CONTINUED: (3) 63
TEC
Scam?
PJ
Yeah. We're all being paid to
pretend to kidnap Bill Gluckman's kid.
TEC
Gluckman? The dude runnin' for
Governor.
SEAN
You've heard of him?
TEC
The dawg who's down with bitches
and hoes? Hell yeah, I've heard
of him. Just 'cause I live down
here you think I'm ignorant?
PJ
We didn't say that, brother.
TEC
A'ight then.
(looks at Brad)
Damn, we got Gluckman's son.
Fool's gotta be worth more alive
than dead.
(to his crew)
Let's roll.
CUT TO:
64 OMITTED 64
& &
65 65
66 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HQ - TOM'S OFFICE - SAME TIME 66
Tom and the campaign strategy team, Brett, Gary and Jen,
are eating takeout, mid-meeting.
TOM
All the polls say that since
Brad's been out of the picture
we're up six points.
(CONTINUED)
73.
66 CONTINUED: 66
BRETT
We're still dead in the urban
demo, though.
GARY
Gays too.
JEN
There's no way we can win without
them.
The INTERCOM RINGS.
TOM
Yep?
SECRETARY (V.O.)
I have a Sean on the phone for
you, sir.
TOM
Put it through.
INTERCUT WITH:
67 EXT. INDUSTRIAL STREET - FREEWAY UNDERPASS - SAME TIME 67
Sean is on a pay phone, terrified. Tec stands next to
him. The Escalade and Tec's car are parked nearby.
SEAN
Tom, we have a real problem.
TOM
I told you, no more money.
SEAN
I know you said that, but we're in
real serious troub --
Tec rips the phone out of Sean's hand.
TEC
Listen, fool. Gluckman's boy has
been kidnapped for real, along
with your punk friends.
TOM
Excuse me?
(CONTINUED)
74.
67 CONTINUED: 67
TEC
If Mr. Governor wants to see his
punk bitch son alive again I'm
gonna need five hundred grand by
tomorrow midnight.
TOM
How do I know this is real?
TEC
You think your actors are this
good?
Tec puts the phone up to Sean.
SEAN
Help us, please...
(hiccup)
I'm...
(hiccup)
so...
(hiccup)
Scared!!!
Sean begins to wail. Tec yanks the phone back.
TOM
Okay, I'm convinced.
TEC
Good. Now get me my money.
TOM
Fine... Please don't do anything
until I talk to Mr. Gluckman and
arrange the finances.
TEC
You got ten minutes.
Tec hangs up.
DEUCE
Now what?
TEC
We wait.
Behind, no one notices as a low rider cruises by
slowly.
75.
68 INT. LOW RIDER - SAME TIME 68
It's Snuffy, his face swollen and bloody from the beating
he took from Tec. He's with two of his homeboys, members
of the Rollin' G gang, checking out Tec and the crew.
SNUFFY
Is that him, ese?
LOC
Yeah, that's Tec, homes, from the
I-9's.
SNUFFY
Call Cyco, tell him to bring it
all. We gonna have a party.
The homeboy works his cell, as we:
CUT TO:
69 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS WAR ROOM - NIGHT 69
Tom stands there with the phone in his hands, shaken.
JEN
What the hell's going on?
TOM
Brad's been kidnapped for real.
BRETT
What?
TOM
They want five hundred grand or
they'll kill him.
GARY
Oh my God.
TOM
Now let's not panic. Lemme just
think this through for a minute.
We could have a very interesting
opportunity here.
BRETT
Where are you going with this?
TOM
Well, the negatives are obvious.
(CONTINUED)
76.
69 CONTINUED: 69
GARY
Bill drops out of the race,
emotional distress...
TOM
I can handle Bill. Let's
brainstorm the positives.
JEN
There's so many. No more 'Brad
problem.'
BRETT
Right, right, I'm liking it.
They start riffing on the idea, getting excited.
GARY
With a dead son, the sympathy
factor could give us big spike in
the female and gay demos.
BRETT
We've had such a problem with
Bill's rich guy image, we could
spin the issue to make him more
'Everymen,' you know, 'crime
touches everyone,' like that.
TOM
What about a voter backlash, like
how could he run on the heels of a
tragedy?
GARY
No -- we push the 'courage under
adversity' angle.
BRETT
Helps with his leadership profile.
JEN
Bill Gluckman, crusader/martyr...
BRETT
I've got the image -- Bill weeping
over Brad's open casket.
GARY
Then, after grieving
appropriately, he goes on the
offensive...
(CONTINUED)
77.
69 CONTINUED: (2) 69
BRETT
Bill Gluckman's war on crime...
GARY
... drugs.
JEN
... gangs.
BRETT
War's hot now.
GARY
War's great.
JEN
It's just what we've needed.
BRETT
It's like a green light to
Sacramento.
TOM
Next stop, the White House.
The PHONE RINGS and Tom picks up.
INTERCUT WITH:
70 EXT. INDUSTRIAL STREET - SAME TIME 70
Tec is on the phone.
TEC
What up?
TOM
No deal.
TEC
Say what?
TOM
Bill Gluckman does not make deals
with criminals.
TEC
That's it, then, fool. I ain't
playin'. His ass is done.
(CONTINUED)
78.
70 CONTINUED: 70
TOM
You do what you have to do, and
we'll do what we have to do.
He hangs up and smiles.
A70 INDUSTRIAL STREET - SAME TIME A70
Tec hangs up; as he looks over, Brad is pulled from the
trunk by two I-9s, his mouth still taped. Tec almost
feels sorry for him.
TEC
That's cold.
(to crew)
Lose the tape.
Tec's homie rips the tape off Brad's mouth.
BRAD
God damn that hurts!!! I get out
of this I'ma hafta teach y'all
some manners!
TEC
Your daddy ain't payin'.
BRAD
Yeah, yeah, tell me somethin' I
don't know!
TEC
What?
BRAD
You heard me, you half-steppin'
moist-ass bitch!
Tec cocks his nine and aims at Brad.
BRAD
(fearless)
Oh what, you gonna do me like
this? A'ight, then bring it.
TEC
It's brought.
BRAD
Man up! Put this wannabe out of
his misery.
(CONTINUED)
79.
A70 CONTINUED: A70
Tec is stunned -- the white boy isn't showing any fear.
Brad steps forward, puts the gun to his own heart, and
places his thumb on the trigger.
BRAD
That gat's real, right? Then do
it or I'll do it myself
TEC
(unnerved)
Brotha straight-up crazy, and I
cannot deal with that shit.
Suddenly GUNFIRE erupts as Tech's car is HIT with a
BARRAGE of BULLETS. Brad, the crew, Sean and PJ drop to
the street and roll under the car. Tec has to dive
behind a nearby dumpster.
ACROSS STREET
Snuffy and three Rollin' G's are crouched behind their
low rider, FIRING away.
UNDER CAR
The I-9s RETURN FIRE. PJ and Sean are in the fetal
position, freaking out. Brad, thinking it's all fake, is
laughing, having a great time.
TEC
Lay down some cover, fool!
Tec's pinned down behind the dumpster. He's without
a weapon, and Rollin' G's are FOCUSING their FIRE on
him.
8-BALL
We're tryin', man, but they're too
strapped.
DEUCE
What the hell we gonna do?
BRAD
Punks. Gimme dem gats.
Brad grabs the Uzis and rolls out from under the
car.
(CONTINUED)
80.
A70 CONTINUED: (2) A70
BRAD
Y'all wanna play? Let's play!
You know who you're dealin'
with???
He jumps up on the hood of Tec's car and OPENS FIRE with
both Uzis, laying down a withering rain of lead.
BRAD
I'm B-Rad G, from the 'BU,
y'all...
(out Denzeling
Denzel)
King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
(STOPS FIRING)
Damn. These special effects are
the bomb!
(resumes FIRING)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
The Rollin' G's try to respond, but Brad's fire is too
intense.
SNUFFY
Devil's got some balls.
LOC
For real! Let's dip!
They all hop in their convertible and tear-ass out of
there as Brad jumps off the cars and follows on foot,
FIRING after them as they turn the corner and SQUEAL
away.
BRAD
It's safe now, y'all.
Tec emerges from behind the dumpster. The crew rolls out
from under the car, followed by Sean and PJ. They look
at Brad in awe. They're impressed.
TEC
That was ill! Y'all definitely
got juice.
He offers his fist to Brad. They pound.
TEC
Where'd you learn that shit?
BRAD
Damn. Jus' MTV.
81.
71 OMITTED 71
& &
72 72
CUT TO:
73 INT. CHANNEL 5 NEWS ROOM - NIGHT 73
HAL FISHMAN reads the night's news.
HAL FISHMAN
Good evening. A Channel Five
exclusive. A security camera
captured incredible footage of
gang violence tonight, as it flared
on the streets of South Central.
CUT TO:
74 OMITTED 74
75 EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT (GRAINY SECURITY CAMERA 75
FOOTAGE)
of Brad, on top of Tec's car, FIRING the UZIS.
HAL FISHMAN (V.O.)
This hardcore gangster, believed to
be the notorious 'White Kong,' leader
of I-9 street gang, fires his weapons
with wanton disregard for human life
or personal property.
CLOSEUP - BRAD'S CRAZED FACE
in SLOW MOTION as he FIRES.
HAL FISHMAN (V.O.)
If you have any information on the
whereabouts of this man, call our
hot line at 1-555-GANG.
CUT TO:
76 INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BILL AND BESS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 76
They sit in bed, stunned.
BILL
Oh...
CUT TO:
82.
77 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 77
She's on the couch, blocking a wig, stunned.
SHONDRA
... my...
78 INT. MALI-BREW - MOVING - SAME TIME 78
Mocha, Hadji, and Monster, holding half-drunken lattes,
are all staring at a TV mounted in the corner.
MOCHA
... Gaaaaa...
A78 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS WAR ROOM - SAME A78
TIME
Tom stares at the TV.
TOM
... aaaaa...
And then, in QUICK SHOTS, we INTERCUT BETWEEN:
BILL
... oooooo...
BESS
... aaaaaa...
MOCHA
... aaaaaa...
HADJI
... aaaaaa...
MONSTER
... aaaaaa...
TOM
... aaaaaa...
SHONDRA
... aaaaaa...
BESS
... aaaaaa...
BILL
... oooooo...
(CONTINUED)
83.
A78 CONTINUED: A78
TOM
... aaaaaa...
MOCHA
... aaaaaa...
HADJI
... aaaaaa...
TOM
... aaaaaa...
GARY
... oooooo...
JEN
... oooooo...
BRETT
... oooooo...
BARISTA
... aaaaaa...
SHONDRA
... aaaaaad!
CUT TO:
79 INT. MALI-BREW - NIGHT 79
MOCHA
Dat is some hardcore shiznit,
y'all!
MONSTER
If dat's what you got to do to get
on Big Boy's label, count me out.
MOCHA
He ain't with Big Boy, fool! B-
Rad's hangin' with some serious
bangers!
HADJI
What we gonna do, Moch?
MOCHA
Bounce to our respective cribs,
jack our moms' and pops' biggest
gats, jet down to South Central
and save his ass.
(CONTINUED)
84.
79 CONTINUED: 79
HADJI AND MOCHA
Word.
MONSTER
But... what if they don't have
coffee?
HADJI
Krista -- six Tsunamis to go!
CUT TO:
80 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HQ - WAR ROOM - NIGHT 80
Bill storms in. Tom quickly switches OFF the TV. The
staffers move aside as Bill confronts Tom.
BILL
Bradley's been involved in a gang
shooting.
TOM
Are you positive?
BILL
His face was on the news, Tom! I
think I know my own son!
TOM
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation. Why don't you get
some sleep --
BILL
Sleep? He's shooting the hell out
of South Central. We've got to
get him!
TOM
What about the debate tomorrow in
Sacramento --
BILL
Forget the debate!
TOM
If you cancel, you can kiss this
campaign good-bye.
(CONTINUED)
85.
80 CONTINUED: 80
BILL
You can shove the campaign up your
ass, Tom! I will not lose my son
over this election!
TOM
I understand you're upset, Bill,
but Jesus, for once in your life
think outside the box! We can
make Brad's whole gang thing a
positive...
BILL
(incredulous)
A positive!
TOM
If he's arrested or, God forbid
injured, we spin it so you are the
victim, you know, 'crime reaches
everyone,' something like that...
BILL
You're trying to get votes out of
this?
TOM
I'm trying to win, Bill, and you
don't seem to care!
BILL
I'm his father.
TOM
(laughs)
When did that happen?
BILL
I guess right now.
Bill grabs Tom by the shirt and slams him into the wall.
BILL
You're fired.
As Bill takes off:
TOM
All right, guys, let's pitch on
how I get my job back.
They just stare at him.
(CONTINUED)
86.
80 CONTINUED: (2) 80
TOM
Guys?
BRETT
Just so you know, I never liked
the way you ran things around
here.
(walking out)
Bill? Mr. Gluckman?
The other staffers follow Brett out, leaving Tom alone.
CUT TO:
81 INT. BILL GLUCKMAN'S HUMMER - MOVING - NIGHT 81
Bill hauls-ass down the 405, his headset on.
HUMAN OPERATOR (V.O.)
This is Lojack.
BILL
I need a location on license number...
(reluctant)
'D-SHIZNIT.'
HUMAN OPERATOR (V.O.)
That vehicle is at the corner of
McKinley and 82nd.
INSERT - ON DASH NAVIGATION SYSTEM SCREEN
Suddenly a map of South Central appears, with a red
blinking dot at the corner of McKinley and 82nd.
BACK TO SCENE
COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
Your destination is a Lojack
designated danger zone. Lojack
does not recommend you venture
into this area.
RAP BLASTS IN as Bill punches the gas, as we:
CUT TO:
87.
A81 INT. TEC'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A81
A party is happening: Homies slam dominoes... Home girlz
drink beer and talk... Sean and PJ are standing frozen in
a corner, quietly crying... Hip-hop gangsters dancing...
and finally we FIND Tec and the other I-9's gathered
around Brad, as Tec solemnly hands Brad a Tec 9 automatic
pistol.
TEC
That's yours, B.
BRAD
For real? You shouldn't have.
TEC
Welcome to the 9's. Only way out
now, is in a box.
BRAD
In a box... right.
Brad laughs. They all join in, laughing hard as we --
CUT TO:
82 EXT. HADJI'S HOUSE - NIGHT 82
Mocha, Hadji and Monster stand by Hadji's dad's Mercedes.
MOCHA
A'ight, Monster, what kind of
toast you strappin'?
MONSTER
(proud)
This.
Monster pulls a scuba divers' spear gun from the bag.
HADJI
What the hell is it?
MONSTER
My pop's spear gat. From the
yacht.
Mocha laughs and starts doing whale sounds.
MONSTER
A'ight Free Willy, think you so
bad, what you got?
(CONTINUED)
88.
82 CONTINUED: 82
MOCHA
(embarrassed)
Never mind.
He puts an old musty case in the car and starts to close
the doors. Hadji stops him.
HADJI
Come on, let's see it.
MOCHA
A'ight, a'ight, chill.
He opens the case, revealing an antique blunderbuss
musket, with a flintlock hammer and a bell muzzle.
HADJI
Is that a freakin' musket?
MOCHA
What? My pops is a collector.
(off their looks)
Come on, man, pirates used that
shit.
Monster grabs the musket and points it at Mocha.
MONSTER
(imitating a pirate)
Aargh, matey, give up yer treasure
or I'll bust me harpoon in yer
booty.
Monster and Hadji start laughing.
MOCHA
Shut up! Damn posers!
He snatches the musket from Monster and carefully places
it back in the case.
MONSTER
Hadji, how 'bout you?
HADJI
Couldn't get much, yo...
Hadji opens a duffel and pulls out three Kevlar vests.
HADJI
When I told my pops we was going
on a drive-by, he gave me three of
these.
(CONTINUED)
89.
82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
MONSTER
Good thinking, but what heat you
got?
He opens a plastic case, revealing a Stinger rocket
launcher and four missiles.
HADJI
... dis.
Mocha and Monster are blown away.
MONSTER
Dang! Where'd you get all dat?
HADJI
(nonchalant)
Christmas present from Uncle
Ahmet.
CUT TO:
83 INT. HADJI'S DAD'S MERCEDES - MOMENTS LATER 83
Mocha, Hadji, and Monster snap on their seat belts.
Hadji flips on the in-dash SOS Mercedes GPS system.
FEMALE OPERATOR (V.O.)
Yes, Mr. Amiraslani, can I help
you?
HADJI
Hell yes, chicken. I need a
location on license number D-
SHIZNIT.
CUT TO:
84 OMITTED 84
& &
85 85
86 INT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT 86
The party is now in full effect, the system up and
cranked as the CAMERA FINDS Brad's in the middle of the
dance floor, freaking and doing the robot with a couple
of sisters. The girls whisper in his ear, he smiles, and
they head for a bedroom.
(CONTINUED)
90.
86 CONTINUED: 86
Just as they exit, Shondra enters from the kitchen, and
finds Sean and PJ, still tied up and terrified.
SHONDRA
Where's Brad?
SEAN
(near tears)
I haven't seen anything.
She moves on. PJ lifts up his bound wrists.
PJ
Shondra! Little help, please.
But she's gone.
87 INT. TEC'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 87
Brad's on the bed with the two women, who are kissing
him.
BRAD
Yeah, I just got tested positive
... for G.A.M.E.
SISTER #1
(mock surprise)
Cool playa.
SISTER #2
Let's get busy.
They laugh when suddenly Shondra comes through the door.
SHONDRA
That's the same damn line he used
on me, and now this no good
deadbeat weak-ass white boy won't
take care of little Malik.
BRAD
What?!
SHONDRA
(sniffles)
You know he's yours...
SISTER #1
This gettin' heavy.
(CONTINUED)
91.
87 CONTINUED: 87
SISTER #2
Let's jet.
The girls leave.
BRAD
Damn, why you throwin' salt on my
G.A.M.E.?
SHONDRA
I'm savin' your lily-white ass.
Come on.
BRAD
I ain't goin' nowhere. I'm a I-9
neow, straight-up. Peep my tat.
Brad lifts his shirt and shows her the tattoo on his
stomach: I-9 THUG.
SHONDRA
(urgent)
Listen, fool.
BRAD
Shut up, Shondra! I know y'all
set me up, I know it's all fake,
de kidnap, de stickup, de whole
nizzy.
SHONDRA
Oh, damn...
BRAD
Why'd you play me, huh?
SHONDRA
For the money.
BRAD
What you need money
Money?! Tch.
for?
SHONDRA
Look, fool, this may sound stupid
to you, but not everybody has
money, and to people that don't,
money is important!
BRAD
Please. You prob'ly still
flippin' me anyway, so --
(CONTINUED)
92.
87 CONTINUED: (2) 87
SHONDRA
Dammit, Brad, this is real. Tec
and his crew are real --
BRAD
Oh really? Well if Tec is real
then this gat must be real...
Brad pulls his nine.
BRAD
And if this gat is real then the
in it have got to be real.
caps
And seein' how my foot is real,
this would really hurt...
then
Brad aims at his foot and pulls the trigger and BLAM! He
puts a BULLET through the toes of his sneaks.
BRAD
See dat. I just shot myself in
the foot and...
(feeling pain)
It's reaaaaalll! It's totally
reaaaaalll!!!
Brad starts hopping around the room.
BRAD
I just shot my foot!! I just shot
my foot!!!
SHONDRA
Stop hoppin' around, fool, so I
can look at it.
(CONTINUED)
93.
87 CONTINUED: (3) 87
Shondra gets down on her knees to get a closer look.
BRAD
Oh gaawwwd!
SHONDRA
Lucky you're such a weak shot.
Cap just grazed your toe.
BRAD
But, it's real, Shondra, it's all
reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!
Tec enters, gun in hand.
TEC
Who's the hell's poppin' ca --
TEC'S POV
Shondra, on her knees, kneeling before Brad.
ANOTHER ANGLE
TEC
(menacing)
What up, cuz?
Shondra stands quickly, scared.
BRAD
(terrified,
covering)
Ha ha, Tec, my road dawg, yeah,
just the man I wanta see.
TEC
(to Shondra)
What's goin' on, Shondra?
SHONDRA
(nervous)
It's not what it looks like, Tec,
I swear.
TEC
Don't you lie to me. That was
always my line to you, and it
always was what it looked like.
Now what's up with your boyfriend
here.
(CONTINUED)
94.
87 CONTINUED: (4) 87
BRAD
Yo, dawg, love to kick it wit' you
and run the whole thizang, but I
got some bidness back in the 'Bu,
li'l somethin' somethin' with Big Boy
and whatnot, so if y'alls don't mind --
TEC
I do mind.
Tec grabs Brad and drags him out.
SHONDRA
No, Tec, stop!
88 INT. TEC'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 88
Tec hauls Brad in, followed by Shondra. The I-9s draw
weapons; the room fills with tension. Sean and PJ look
on, getting caught up in the action.
BRAD
Wait, Tec, lemme explain, 'cause I
don't belong here...
TEC
You done forgot already, fool? I
told you the only one way out of
the I-9s, and your 'E' ticket's in
this here chamber.
Tec cocks his gun.
(CONTINUED)
95.
88 CONTINUED: 88
ANGLE ON SEAN AND PJ
watching Tec, riveted.
SEAN
See how committed he is? That's
the rage I was talking about.
PJ
(in awe)
Word.
BACK TO SCENE
Tec aims at Brad.
BRAD
Please, don't be hatin'.
Shondra steps in front of Brad.
SHONDRA
I won't let you do it, Tec.
TEC
No problem, then. I'll just do
the both of you.
Tec levels the barrel at Shondra and Brad. He starts to
squeeze the trigger when suddenly Bill's HUMMER CRASHES
through the wall. I-9's scatter and duck as the Hummer's
front grill skids to a stop inches from Tec. The
driver's door pops open and Bill jumps out.
TEC
Damn fool! You just hit my house!
BILL
(ignoring him)
Brad! Are you okay?
BRAD
Not really. And unless you
seriously strapped, you about to
be not really okay too.
Bill turns: six I-9s are aiming guns at he and Brad.
BILL
Hey there, fellas. Bill
Gluckman... I'm running for
governor.
(CONTINUED)
96.
88 CONTINUED: (2) 88
TEC
We know who you are, fool.
DEUCE
You the candidate that's down with
bitches and ho's.
TEC
Tsss. Dude think we ignorant just
'cause we live down here. You
better recognize.
BILL
I absolutely recognize that street
violence is tearing Californians
apart... You see, guys, California
is my family, and hey, here's a
thought. Instead of thinking of
ourselves as what set we're from,
or what crew we're rolling with,
why can't we just be brothers?
What do you say?
TEC
(thoughtful)
Hmmm. I guess I never looked at
it like that before. What do you
say, 'brothers'?
The I-9's smile, cock their weapons, aim them, and just
as they're about to start blasting, the side WALL
EXPLODES and Hadji's dad's MERCEDES CRASHES through.
TEC
Don't anybody know where the
driveway's at?! Damn!
Gangsters fall back as Hadji, Mocha, and Monster jump out
wearing the Kevlar vests and wielding their weapons.
HADJI
(freaking out)
Better step, y'all, or I'ma have
to waste all y'all up in this
piece!
MONSTER
Yeah! Drop yo gats!
The I-9s, unafraid, point their guns right back at Hadji,
Monster and Mocha. It's a multi-player Mexican standoff.
(CONTINUED)
97.
88 CONTINUED: (3) 88
DEUCE AND 8-BALL
Drop your gats!
Nobody does. Brad steps out.
BRAD
Hold dup, y'all. Before anybody
ices anybody I got to say something.
No one stops him, so Brad turns to his dad.
BRAD
You really weren't gonna pay my
ransom?
BILL
I didn't know anything about that.
You've got to believe me, that was
not part of the plan.
BRAD
What was the plan? Send me down
here to scare me white?
BILL
It was stupid, I know. I thought
I'd tried everything... I just
didn't know how to deal with you
anymore.
BRAD
You've never known how to deal
with me 'cause you don't know me,
and you never cared to find out.
And now that your election's on
the line, that's when you take a
stand? That's bullshit, Pops.
Look at me, 'cause this is who I
am, and if you can't accept that,
then I'll walk out that door,
never see your sorry-ass again.
Shondra, Tec, all the I-9's and Brad's posse slowly turn
from Brad to Bill, completely caught in the moment,
waiting for his response.
BILL
I'm not proud of myself, Brad. I
made a lot of mistakes, and I know
I wasn't there for you, and I
can't change that, but I always
loved you and still do...
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
98.
88 CONTINUED: (4) 88
BILL (CONT'D)
... and if you say this is really
who you are, then I believe you
and accept you, and from here on
in, I promise to be a real father
to you.
BRAD
Talk is cheap, Pops. Prove it.
BILL
I'm here, ain't I?
Brad looks at him. Bill looks back. Everyone looks on,
riveted.
BRAD
A'ight, Pops, we cool.
BILL
Much love.
They pound.
ANGLE ON GANGSTERS
getting emotional. A couple sniffle, a few wipe their
eyes.
8-BALL
(sincere)
Wish I could talk to my pops like
that.
DEUCE
(emotional)
No doubt. He's raising his kid.
8-BALL
(dialing his cell,
wiping tears)
I'ma call my pops right now.
TEC
Would y'all get a hold of your
fool selves?! It's time to waste
these punks!
The I-9s straighten up and re-aim their guns.
(CONTINUED)
99.
88 CONTINUED: (5) 88
BRAD
(with confidence)
Tec, before we all go out in a
blaze of glory, can I say one last
thing?
TEC
(sighs)
Whatchya got to say?
BRAD
Moch, kick it freestyle.
Mocha rests the musket in the crook of his arm, and does
his human beat box thing as Brad begins to rap.
BRAD
'What's up with all this fightin'?
We all should be unitin'!
Y'all egos need deflatin',
Gangstas, please, quit all this
hatin'.'
TEC
Stop, please! If I hear you drop
one more rhyme, I'ma hafta smoke
myself.
BRAD
A'ight, cool, but all these gats
got to go!
As Brad grabs the missile launcher from Hadji...
MOCHA
(moved, earnest)
Word up, B. All this hatin' is
wack!
Mocha slams the butt of the musket down, and the
flintlock slams forward. Everyone cringes. Nothing
happens. Everyone looks at the MUSKET, then suddenly it
EXPLODES and a rusty musket ball FIRES OUT, slamming
Monster in the middle of her Kevlar breastplate. She
flies back and slams into the wall, causing her spear gun
to fire -- a SPEAR SHOOTS OUT and lands directly into
Brad's left ass cheek. Brad howls and drops the MISSILE
LAUNCHER...
SLOW MOTION: everyone watches it fall to the ground...
REAL TIME: it hits the floor and the MISSILE FIRES.
(CONTINUED)
100.
88 CONTINUED: (6) 88
Brad... Tec... Bill... and Shondra all watch in horror as
the missile flies past gang members, through the kitchen
door, and slams into the side of the gas oven. We hear a
countdown BEEP BEEP BEEP...
TEC
Ruuuuuuunnnnn!
Everyone runs for the nearest hole in the wall.
89 EXT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT 89
Bodies stream out of the house scrambling for safety when
suddenly...
The HOUSE BLOWS in a huge orange FIREBALL...
DISSOLVE TO:
90 EXT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT 90
We CRANE PAST emergency vehicles parked in front of
smoldering remains of Tec's house, then MOVE TO Tec, who
is yelling at a cop.
TEC
I know my rights, man, and
these fools drove two damn
cars into my house, then they
blew the shit up! This all
better be rebuilt before my
ma comes back, or she will
make you wish you were never
born.
CLOSE ON a FEMALE TV REPORTER speaking TO CAMERA.
REPORTER
I have two witnesses who were at
the scene of the explosion...
She turns and the CAMERA WIDENS to include Sean and PJ;
their clothes are singed and still smoking.
REPORTER
Can you tell us what happened?
(CONTINUED)
100A.
90 CONTINUED: (A1) 90
PJ
It was hard core, yo. All these
crazy busters was strapped to the
nines, and I was like, keepin' the
peace, telling the brothers to
talk it out, find their common
bond...
Sean steps in front of PJ, speaking directly INTO CAMERA.
SEAN
(going for the Oscar)
See, the explosion was just a
metaphor for the anger we
oppressed young men of color have
buried deep inside our hearts...
hearts turned dark --
REPORTER
(confused)
Okay, thank you, Bloodbath and
Tree.
(turns TO CAMERA)
And all of this mayhem is rumored
to have been caused by the
mysterious White Kong, who remains
at large. This is Soon Yi Baxter-
Hernandez, reporting from South
Central.
PJ
(speaking normally)
When's this gonna air?
SEAN
Can I get a copy of this? I need
it for my reel.
She glares and they move off... We FIND Brad and Shondra
by an ambulance, talking as a paramedic bandages Brad's
ass.
BRAD
Aaah!!!
(CONTINUED)
101.
90 CONTINUED: 90
SHONDRA
You alright?
BRAD
I'm cool... still a little
confused maybe. I'm still not
exactly sure what was for real and
what wasn't.
SHONDRA
Well, as far as being real, I can
only vouch for two things.
She kisses him full on the lips.
BRAD
I can deal with a little more of
that reality.
They kiss again, then Brad breaks it.
BRAD
Wait a minute. You said two
things was real. What was the
other?
Shondra smiles as we...
SLAM TO:
91 CLOSEUP ON BIG BOY 91
BIG BOY
What up, Shondra?
WIDEN TO:
INT. BIG BOY'S MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY
It's an incredibly foofy Baroque nightmare.
BRAD
Damn, you knew Big Boy the whole
time?
SHONDRA
I told you we go way back.
BIG BOY
So Shondra tells me you drop
rhyme.
(CONTINUED)
102.
91 CONTINUED: 91
BRAD
Peep dis.
He hands over a Mali-Bootay CD.
BRAD
Once you hear my demo, you're
gonna want to give me Eminem play,
dawg!
BIG BOY
(taking the CD)
I can't wait, y'all. Peace.
Big Boy pounds Brad and they exit. Big Boy hands the CD
to a British butler, who puts it in the system. Big Boy
puts on the headphones and the butler hits play. Big Boy
listens for a minute, then smiles.
BIG BOY
I know exactly what to do with
this.
CUT TO:
A91 OMITTED A91
& &
92 92
A92 EXT. BIG BOY'S BACK PATIO - DAY A92
Big Boy stands there in his bathrobe.
BIG BOY
Pull!
Brad's CD flies into the sky like a skeet clay pigeon.
Big Boy raises a GLOCK and BLOWS it to kingdom come.
CUT TO:
93 INT. AMPHITHEATRE - IN WINGS - DAY 93
Brad and Shondra stand off to the side of a huge rally.
BRAD
Damn. Twenty thousand people, all
here to support my pops. He must
have charisma.
(CONTINUED)
103.
93 CONTINUED: 93
SHONDRA
Like father like son.
BRAD
Shondra, girl. I just have to
thank you.
SHONDRA
For what?
BRAD
You the only one who accepted me
for who I really am.
(beat)
You also car jacked me, kidnapped
me and tried to turn me white, but
I'm gonna let that go.
They kiss, tongues and all as Bill walks up.
BILL
Hey, kids... Sorry to interrupt.
BRAD
(turning)
What up?
BILL
Well, I'm about to go on and,
Brad... I want you to be part of
this.
BRAD
You mean, be onstage with you?
BILL
I need you to help me get the
urban vote. Introduce me.
BRAD
Dang, I'd be honored.
BILL
And, son, don't say it...
(beat)
Rap it.
BRAD
(blown away)
For real, Pops?
(CONTINUED)
103A.
93 CONTINUED: (1A) 93
BILL
For real, son, for rizzeal.
Shondra looks on proudly as MUSIC -- heavy on emotional
strings, swells, driving the movie audience to feel as
good as they've ever felt in a movie. Brad takes the
stage.
BRAD
Hey, y'all! I'm here to introduce
you to my father, Bill Gluckman!
The big Gluck!!
A rap beat kicks in as Brad goes all out.
BRAD
We all gather here on this special
occasion.
To listen to my pops, he's your
west coast liaison.
A speech from him, dude, is like
sex with a hoochi.
It's hot and excitin', like
shoppin' at Gucci!
Asians, Jews, Mexicans, too.
Everybody's votin', yo, it's a
cultural stew.
Once he's in office you'll
experience great riches.
As a thank you for helpin', you
can get wit my bitches!
Let's get Glucked! Y'all get
Glucked!
We get Glucked!
Come on everybody put your hands
up!
Bill moves onstage and attempts to dance hip hop style.
BRAD
Immigration, education, and
runaway inflation.
It got me so stressed I need to
start masturbatin'.
California ain't flowin' like some
ol' constipation.
Vote for dad or I'll bash your
frickin' face in!
Come on everybody put your hands
up!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
103B.
93 CONTINUED: (1B) 93
BRAD (CONT'D)
And if my dad wins this election,
he'll grow on y'all like a BAD VD
INFECTION!!
Yeeah! We all need a Gluckin'!
Let's all get Glucked! GO GLUCK
YOURSELF!!
Brad raises Bill's hand up in victory and we FREEZE.
(CONTINUED)
104.
93 CONTINUED: (2) 93
SUPERIMPOSE: Brad did deliver the urban vote... to
Bill's opponent. Bill Gluckman lost the election by a
landslide.
CUT TO:
94 CLOSEUP ON FREEZE-FRAME TWO-SHOT - SEAN AND PJ 94
SUPERIMPOSE: Sean and PJ landed jobs more suitable to
their talents...
We WIDEN to reveal Sean and PJ in uniform and working at:
INT. WIENIE IN A BUN - DAY
We UNFREEZE. Sean and PJ wait on a TEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
SEAN
Welcome to Wienie In A Bun.
PJ
How about a Double Dog?
Tom leans in, with a "Manager" nametag, whispering
angrily:
TOM
Push the Mega Meal, or you punks
are so fired.
FLASH TO:
95 INT. MALI-BREW - FREEZE ON MOCHA, HADJI AND MONSTER - 95
DAY
sitting at their usual table, in mid-argument.
SUPERIMPOSE: Mocha, Hadji and Monster continued to do
nothing whatsoever, except for order coffee and argue...
FLASH TO:
96 EXT. MANSION - CLOSE - FREEZE ON TEC - DAY 96
SUPERIMPOSE: Tec sued Bill Gluckman, and was awarded 100
thousand dollars for damage to his house, and another
thirty million for emotional distress. Tec moved...
(CONTINUED)
105.
96 CONTINUED: 96
UNFREEZE: to reveal Tec leaving his driveway in a
Bentley.
TEC
What up, neighbor?
PAN TO Bill, in his Hummer, leaving his driveway. He
waves grumpily as we...
FLASH TO:
97 EXT. SHONDRA'S NAIL AND BEAUTY SALON - DAY 97
SUPERIMPOSE: While waiting for his rap career to kick
in, Brad invested his trust fund into a business that
made sense.
We CRANE DOWN FROM a sign that reads: "GRAND OPENING,
SHONDRA'S NAIL AND BEAUTY SALON" to reveal a crowd of
Malibu women gathered around Brad and Shondra as Shondra
cuts a ribbon with a huge pair of scissors; the women
rush inside.
BRAD (V.O.)
I helped Shondra open up her salon
right here in the 'Bu.
A97 INT. SALON A97
Shondra puts the finishing touches to a woman in a chair.
BRAD (V.O.)
She styled up all the ladies in
Malibu so they were stone-cold
ghetto fabulous.
Shondra spins the chair to REVEAL: BEES GLUCKMAN with a
crazy ghetto hairstyle. She looks like Busta Rhymes.
She checks herself in the mirror.
BESS
I love it.
(alternate)
Boo-ya!
She smiles revealing a GOLD TOOTH with a DIAMOND in it.
98 INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT 98
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR MONTHS LATER...
(CONTINUED)
106.
98 CONTINUED: 98
L.A.'s own, Hal Fishman reports.
HAL FISHMAN
It's official. Bill Gluckman is
California's next governor. We
have a live report from the
celebration at Gluckman
headquarters...
PUSH IN TO the news monitor over Hal Fishman's shoulder,
to...
99 INT. GLUCKMAN CELEBRATION - NIGHT 99
CHEERS, as Bill takes the mic (As he speaks, we SLOWLY
PULL BACK, gradually revealing the people next to him on
stage).
BILL
This is a monumental day for our
glorious state and there are
several people I need to thank
here tonight...
(beat)
There's the International
Brotherhood of Police Officers...
APPLAUSE, as POLICE OFFICERS salute Bill.
BILL
The Southern California Rotary
Club...
A table full of well-dressed PROFESSIONALS wave politely.
BILL
And our friends at the
Environmental Defense Fund...
A group of granola-type ENVIRONMENTALISTS smile.
Brad CLEARS HIS THROAT, causing Bill to look at him.
Brad gives Bill a "reminder" nod...
BILL
Oh, and of course...
PULL BACK TO REVEAL: We're actually in the PROUD BIRD...
BILL
(matter of factly)
... all the Bitches and Ho's...
(CONTINUED)
107.
99 CONTINUED: 99
A pod of SKANKY WOMEN snap their fingers in Bill's
direction.
BILL
The Pimps... The Hoodrats...
The lavishly-dressed PIMPS raise their canes to Bill.
BILL
The Association of Korean Grocers.
An ASIAN FAMILY give Bill the "thumbs-up."
BILL
The Playas. The Ballers. The
Shot Callers. And a special shout
out to the I-9's.
ANGLE ON TEC
and his gang. They wear dark suits and do rags.
BILL
And... The Women's Organization of
California.
A table full of prim ELDERLY LADIES golf-clap and smile.
BILL
And most of all, I'd like to thank
my campaign advisor on urban
affairs, and my son, B-rad G.
APPLAUSE as Brad grabs the mic at the podium.
BRAD
West Coast Reprezzizzin'!
Bill and Brad hug.
HIP HOP MUSIC KICKS IN and the entire Ballroom turns into
one huge dance party. Bill raises the roof as he
meanders into the celebrating crowd. People of all
different races and backgrounds dance together, all
having a blast...
Hadji grinds on an ELDERLY CONSTITUENT's ass... she's
into it.
HADJI
I'm totally taxing your ass.
(CONTINUED)
108.
99 CONTINUED: (2) 99
Bess compares her diamond ring to Tec's Bling-Bling.
BESS
You get that from Tiffany?
TEC
I think that was the Bitches'
name, yeah...
They continue to marvel at each other's decorative
accessories...
ANGLE ON ELSEWHERE IN THE PARTY
We see Sean and PJ are caterers, wearing "Wiener on a
Bun" outfits/hats and circulating among the guests.
They approach a well-to-do PARTYGOER.
PJ
Would you care for a wiener?
Courtesy of Wiener on a Bun.
SEAN
Or perhaps I can interest you in a
head shot? I'm trained in jazz
dance, tap, and I can do a
Southern accent.
Tom enters wearing a "Wiener on a Bun" manager's outfit.
TOM
Idiots. What did I tell you about
bothering the guests? Now move
it, those wieners aren't serving
themselves.
He pushes them out of there.
BRAD (O.S.)
Yo, yo, yo...
Everyone turns to see Brad still at the podium.
Confusion...
BRAD
Last time I was here, y'all threw
my ass out. But now that I haves
yo attention, I gots somethin' I
gotta say... And I have to do it
the only way I know how... Kick
it, Moch.
(CONTINUED)
109.
99 CONTINUED: (3) 99
TEETH RATTLING BASS THUNDERS, as Brad pulls the mic out
of the stand and begins prowling around the stage.
(NOTE: Rap can be shortened.)
SLOW MOTION: Panic, as everyone realizes Brad is about
to rap...
BRAD
I wrote this one just for you,
Dad.
(starts to rap)
Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah,
yeah... Yeah...
(stops)
I'm sorry, I lost my place again.
(remembers)
Oh, here we go...
Election, erection,
I got an infection.
My pops, he won,
Defying all the pre-dections...
Sean and PJ (waiters) drop their serving trays; Tec and
the I-9's dive for Brad at the podium; Shondra screams,
"NOOOOOO"...
Brad is grabbed and thrown off the stage by the I-9's and
is projected out over the audience, where we...
FREEZE ON: Brad's terrified face.
BRAD (V.O.)
(cocky as ever)
What can I say, ain't nothing but
a thang...
UNFREEZE and Brad falls to the ground.
100 EXT. COP CAR 100
HAL FISHMAN (V.O.)
After months of searching the
Southland for notorious criminal
White Kong, the LAPD has finally
made an arrest. The suspect, a
black man, was caught earlier
today...
Footage of a BLACK MAN being put in a squad car.
(CONTINUED)
110.
100 CONTINUED: 100
TOM GIBBONS
'White Kong'? Damn! I'm not even
white.
COP
That's what they all say.
(alternate:)
Shut up, White Kong.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
