"LITTLE NICKY" -- by Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler & Steven Brill
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT
A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers
sprinkling.
We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree,
where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb. He
has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman. Suddenly
the lights turn on.
PEEPER
(whispering)
Showtime!
We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's
window. She is wearing business attire.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy?
(takes bite of sandwich)
Well you'll feel better once you slip
off those work clothes and get into some
sweats.
The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing
her feet.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Oh my G-D, yes! I wish you would let me
rub those feet. Of course I wouldn't
use my hands. Heh heh heh heh...
He sips some wine.
The mother starts to unbutton her blouse. She takes it off,
revealing a nice bra.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Looks like Victoria just told me her
secret.
The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook. Mouthing
the words as he goes.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m.,
first brassiere sighting...
(stops writing)
I will pleasure myself to this image for
months. MONTHS I TELL YOU!
The mother starts to unbutton her pants. Her young son walks
in wearing a scouts uniform.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Young Scottie Dunleavy. What
unfortunate timing. You mother was just
getting comfy.
The son talks to his mother excitedly.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great
knots today or whatever. Now get out.
The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Now what. This simply won't do.
The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son
answers.
SCOTTIE
Hello?
PEEPER
Hello, Scottie. Why don't you go
downstairs like a good boy and let your
mother freshen up.
SCOTTIE
Who is this?
PEEPER
Just a little birdie. A birdie who
wants to see if your mother's panties
match her bra.
MOTHER
Oh my G-D Scottie. Is there a man up
our tree?
The peeper gets nervous.
PEEPER
Tell her no. Tell her it's just a big
bird.
The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises.
We SEE Scottie with his sling shot. The mother nods yes. He
shoots it. It hits the peeper square in the head. He falls
to the ground with a thud.
PEEPER (CONT'D)
Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me. And
wear your bikini.
The peeper looks up. He sees Scottie pushing a television
out the window. It lands on top of the peeper. He's dead.
HARD CUT:
INT. HOLE - DAY
The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by on
all sides.
The peeper is falling down, down, down. The whole way
screaming like a five-year old girl.
PEEPER'S POV
We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the
peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire. He
SCREAMS.
EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL
We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES. We hear screaming. Wham!
We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in
a heap in a shallow pit of coals.
Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the
fire wall at different levels. (NOTE: All the arrivals
clothes are now burned & shredded).
GATEKEEPER (O.S.)
Welcome!
The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his
station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.
PEEPER
Am I in hell?
GATEKEEPER
What do you think?
A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area. We
leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to...
MATTE PAINTING HELL
MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN
The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell. A road leads toward it
like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals. We see
the black castle in the distance. The camera zooms into the
castle, to one particular window.
INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY
Looks like an American teenager's room - models, a dresser,
heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no
bed - Devils don't sleep). Nicky is air guitaring to the
song. Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled
"NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX."
The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring
NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.
NICKY
(embarrassed)
Hey...
JIMMY THE DEMON
Your father wants to see you and your
brothers in the throne room.
NICKY
Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is
rockin', don't forget the knockin'!
INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY
ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts. They're aiming for
people's faces that are coming through the wall.
CASSIUS
I knew it. He's finally retiring.
ADRIAN
I've been waiting on this day for ten
thousand years.
He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.
HUMAN DARTBOARD
Aaaah!
CASSIUS
If the old man picks me to take over
Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty
four seven. No breaks.
ADRIAN
Well Dad says it's the breaks that make
the torture. You have to let people
feel a sense of relief.
Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS
in the eye.
HUMAN DARTBOARD
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
ADRIAN
Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring
is what he says doesn't matter anymore.
Cassius pulls out the dart. The eye comes with it.
CASSIUS
I'll take that.
Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it. THWACK!
It splatters like a grape.
HUMAN DARTBOARD
Was that really necessary?
Nicky enters sheepishly.
CASSIUS
Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing
today?
NICKY
Good, thanks.
Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.
CASSIUS
Hey. Hey. Hey. Wanna mind wrestle?
Cassius' eyes start glowing red.
NICKY
Actually, I'll take a rain check on0
Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible
force.
CASSIUS
Got ya!
NICKY
(picking up his head)
Yes, you got me...
Nicky's head slams back down again.
CASSIUS
Got ya, again!
NICKY
(picking head up)
Got me for sure, yes...
He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the
head.
CASSIUS
Got ya! Now here's the big finish...
Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his
own crotch.
NICKY
Oh no. Please Cassius...
Nicky's hand is being possessed. It gets closer and closer
until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Aaaaah.
Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own
hand. Nicky screams even louder. Adrian smiles. They don't
notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small
devil horns), enters behind them.
DAD
What are you boys doing?
Cassius releases Nicky's hand.
NICKY
Nothing, Dad. Just re-arranging the
furniture.
DAD
Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out
of your brother's mind?
CASSIUS
I forgot.
DAD
Maybe this will help you remember.
Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the
nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the
floor.
Dad gives Nicky a wink. Nicky smiles. Dad has an air of
confidence and power.
DAD (CONT'D)
Now everybody sit down.
NICKY
Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying
down my monsters of metal compilation
tape. I really think it's a
masterpiece.
DAD
Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.
He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the
window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his
head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad
closes the curtains.
Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of
his throne. Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip
of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at
his three sons.
DAD (CONT'D)
My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was
thrown out of Heaven by G-d and rules
here in hell for ten thousand years.
And after this ten thousand years had
passed, he decided to abdicate his
throne...
Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.
DAD (CONT'D)
...to step aside.
(Nicky lowers his hand)
...and let me become the ruler of hell.
This, as some of you might know, is my
ten thousandth year as Prince of
Darkness. So I think the time has come
to discuss who will succeed me.
Jimmy the Demon walks in.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Knock, knock.
DAD
Yes, Jimmy.
He whispers in Dad's ear.
DAD (CONT'D)
No, no, that's not what I said. He can
keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta
go.
JIMMY THE DEMON
(turning to leave)
Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a
pineapple up Hitler's ass at four
o'clock.
Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention
back to his sons.
DAD
This was a very difficult decision,
because I have three wonderful sons. I
mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.
And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And
Nicky, so...so...
NICKY
Don't worry about coming up with
anything. It's cool.
DAD
Such a sweet boy. But after much
thought and careful consideration, I've
decided that the ruler for the next ten
thousand years is going to have to
be...me.
CASSIUS AND ADRIAN
(dumbfounded)
What!?
NICKY
Hallelujah.
They all look at Nicky.
NICKY (CONT'D)
I mean...tough break.
DAD
The important thing for the stability of
our rule is to maintain the balance
between good and evil. And I don't
think any of you are ready for that
responsibility yet. You need the wisdom
that comes only with the passage of
time.
CASSIUS
Dad! This is Hoyashit.
Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human
Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the
tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch.
DAD
Right. Right. Send him in.
(to the boys)
I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back
to work.
Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops.
ADRIAN
You sure about this decision, Dad?
DAD
I'm telling you, pal, it's the right
thing to do.
HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by
Jimmy. They head towards the closet.
Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out
a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks
over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.
Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends
Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...
CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES
As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.
HITLER
Holy schnit!!
EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY
Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing
with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot
looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.
CASSIUS
You work your ass off for ten thousand
years, hurting people, helping others
hurt people, then you get a decision
like that.
ADRIAN
And he's dead serious.
CASSIUS
It's just such a slap in the face.
Adrian turns to the Monster.
ADRIAN
Um, excuse me, we're having a private
conversation here.
CASSIUS
Yeah, get out of here! Beat it!
Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.
The Monster shrugs and walks off.
ADRIAN
Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa
Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in
hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm
getting tired of serving in Hell. We
need a place where we can rule.
Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns
around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back.
Cassius sees this and gets enraged.
CASSIUS
Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it
on!! Let's see what you got!
The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in
an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.
CASSIUS (CONT'D)
That's what I thought!
ADRIAN
(to Cassius)
Could you concentrate for five seconds?
CASSIUS
I am concentrating. Where can we rule?
ADRIAN
What do you think about...Earth?
Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
We could create our own hell there.
CASSIUS
You saying we go up there and kill
everyone?
ADRIAN
Eventually, Cassius. But first we
corrupt as many as we can so that when
we do destroy them...
CASSIUS
...their damned souls will be ours.
ADRIAN
It's our time, brother.
The two look at each other. They start running toward the
fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way.
GATEKEEPER
Hey, what are you doing?!?
They get closer to the fire.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
You can't go through there. The fire
flows in, not out.
They dive through the fire wall. It FREEZES.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
You know something? You guys suck! You
really suck!
Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we
hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the
firewall hard.
INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix
tapes. We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."
Pause. Dad exhales.
DAD
Now that was an experience. "You are
only coming through in waves." That
line blows my mind every time.
NICKY
Definitely.
DAD
I don't care what kind of mood you're in
at the start of that song. When it's
over, that mood has been altered. Wow.
Great shit. What's next?
NICKY
Well, I thought that after messing with
your head, I'd give you a little kick in
the keester.
Hits the tape player. "Enter Sandman" blasts.
DAD
Who is this, Metal-lick-a?
NICKY
Metallica, Dad. Come on.
DAD
I was just playing with you.
Dad and Nicky dance to the song.
INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER
CLOSE ON DAD.
DAD
I'm sorry. After careful consideration,
I regretfully have to decline.
ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.
DAN
C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one
Superbowl ring.
DAD
In exchange for eternal damnation of
your soul? You're too nice of a guy for
me to want to do that to you, Mr.
Marino.
DAN
You did it for Namath.
DAD
Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
Just go back to Earth and enjoy your
records and the Hall of Fame and the
beautiful family and all that.
DAN
This is bullshit, man.
(gets up to leave)
I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year,
with or without you!
DAD
Now you're talking.
Dan exits.
NICKY
You're a good devil, Dad.
DAD
And I also happen to be a Jets fan.
Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint
sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his
knees.
GATEKEEPER
Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have
escaped from hell. They went through
the fire, and they broke it. I think
they took the New York tunnel. I tried
to stop them, but they overpowered me,
sir.
DAD
Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off
your knees.
The Gatekeeper stands up.
GATEKEEPER
Thanks for being so understanding, your
worship. You're the man. You've always
been the man.
Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge
boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We
only see them from the front for a second.
From behind the gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the
nipples as he talks to Nicky.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
(to Nicky)
I'm lucky to get away with just the head
boobs, right?
NICKY
Coulda been much worse.
GATEKEEPER
That's what I'm thinkin'...
Dad is staring off. He looks shaken.
DAD
This is bad, Nicky.
NICKY
How bad?
DAD
I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates are
broken, no new souls can get in, which
means I'll start to deteriorate into
nothing.
GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.
LUCIFER
What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?
DAD
Everything's fine, pop.
LUCIFER
Last time you said that the renaissance
happened.
DAD
Please, pop, just go back to your room.
LUCIFER
(regarding gateskeeper)
Can I take him with me and have sex with
his head?
DAD
Sure, pop. Whatever you want.
The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.
GATEKEEPER
Oh, this is gonna be a whole new
lifestyle for me, isn't it.
EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER
We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED
SOULS in hell are sneaking off.
The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.
Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.
DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)
What's going on? Where are we?
We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud
thuds.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Nothing's getting through that. The
fire is solid as a rock.
NICKY
We gotta get this bad boy burning again.
Ideas?
DAD
To do that Cassius and Adrian have to
come back through the other way.
NICKY
So go get 'em, Dad!
DAD
I'm too weak. The process has already
begun.
Dad holds up his hand. His pink is hanging by a thread. We
see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.
NICKY
So go get 'em, Jimmy!
JIMMY THE DEMON
I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got
devil blood in me. I'd last two minutes
up there with your brothers.
NICKY
You're not saying it's up to me?
The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as
if to say, "oh no."
NICKY (CONT'D)
I've never been to Earth. I've never
even slept over at some other dude's
house!
JIMMY THE DEMON
You're the spawn of Satan. You got it
in you.
DAD
Nicky, the worst thing that could happen
on Earth is you get killed, in which
case, boom, you end up back here.
NICKY
Are you telling me I have to go to Earth
and kill my brothers?
JIMMY THE DEMON
Not go. They left together at the exact
same time. They gotta come back
together at the exact same time.
Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.
DAD
Here. Get them drunk from this. One
sip and they'll be trapped inside. Once
you've got both of them, you bring the
flask back through the gate.
Dad's pinky is hanging. Jimmy pulls it off and examines it.
The Monster gags.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Your ol' man's got less than a week.
Nicky looks petrified.
NICKY
No. This can't be happening.
DAD
Son, just do your best.
Nicky looks teary eyed. The moment is broken by the Monster,
who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.
Nicky goes through the solid fire wall. PAUSE. The Monster
taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get
a move on."
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY
A SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL
PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between
two tracks, to a putrid puddle. Nicky breaks through the
surface, sputtering. We hear a rumbling in the near
distance.
NICKY
Okay. Earth. The Blue Marble. This
doesn't look too bad.
Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and
WHAMMM!
EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER
Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in
the coal pit. His Dad limps back to him.
JIMMY THE DEMON
You were gone ten seconds. What
happened?
NICKY
I got hit by a big light that was
attached to a lot of metal.
DAD
That's a train, son. Don't stand in
front of them.
NICKY
Well, I guess I'm going to have to take
a mulligan on this one.
DAD
Please, Nicky, get back up there.
(his ear falls off)
Try to hurry.
Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY
Nicky makes it back through the hole. Looks both ways and
hops out of the hole. He carefully crosses the tracks and is
stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side.
In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to
identify their passengers at the airport. On the sign is
scrawled "NICKY."
Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.
NICKY
I'm Nicky.
Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.
BEEFY
(voice of Sandy Wernick)
Hey, terrific!! Now get off the track
and come with me, shitstains.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY
The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal
are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking
around suspiciously, talking to the dog.
BEEFY
My name's Beefy. I'm an old friend of
your father's. He's asked me to help
you out.
NICKY
I just need to find my brothers and be
on my way, Beefy.
BEEFY
It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers
can possess people. So they probably
won't look like themselves. You have to
be suspicious of everyone.
Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.
NICKY
Okay, "bro," this jig is up...
(pulling out the flask)
Just get in the bottle. Just slide
right on in there.
BEEFY
It's not me, moron.
NICKY
Oh. Sorry.
EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY
A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance. People put
money in his pot.
PREACHER
Oh how the Lord loves you. All his
children.
(passerby puts in money)
He thanks you for your kindness.
(another woman puts in money)
God bless, Ma'am. The Lord loves you...
The Lord loves you...
We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind. The PREACHER
sniffs.
PREACHER (CONT'D)
The Lord does not love you. I
sense...pure evil.
(thrusts his cross in Nicky's
face)
You make the Lord very nervous.
(feeling hot)
I'm burning...ahhh.
(running away)
The Devil walks among us!
He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.
PREACHER (CONT'D)
Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!
He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance. He
disappears. Beefy turns to Nicky.
BEEFY
Makin' friends already.
NICKY
(shivering a little)
It's freezing up here, Beefy.
BEEFY
You're on Earth now, kid. Gonna have
the same physical needs and limitations
a human has. We'll stop by K-mart. Get
you some warm clothes.
NICKY
I also have this odd pain in my mid
section. Kind of a hollow feeling...
BEEFY
That pain is hunger.
EXT. BENCH - DAY
K-mart bag is next to a bench. PAN UP to see Nicky wearing
an extra warm SKI OUTFIT. Sitting next to him on the bench
is Beefy. Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED
CHICKEN. Nicky takes out a drumstick.
NICKY
So far, so good. Now what?
BEEFY
Put it in your mouth.
Nicky puts it in his mouth. Holds it there.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Move your teeth up and down.
Nicky does. He chews for a long time.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your
head back and let the meat slide down
your throat-hole.
Nicky does. He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.
NICKY
Hey...Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!
BEEFY
It sure is. Now eat it up. You're
gonna need your energy.
NICKY
I got energy up the ying-ying. Let's
get cracking!
NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right
into the path of a moving bus.
INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER
The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs. The
gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra. He seems to be
enjoying it. We hear a THUD. They look down to see Nicky on
the ground. (We didn't see him flying through this time.)
The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop. Kind of
embarrassed.
GATEKEEPER
Hey.
NICKY
That's a pretty brassiere.
GATEKEEPER
Thanks.
NICKY
Could you maybe not tell anyone about
this?
GATEKEEPER
You got it. Could you maybe not tell
anyone about this?
NICKY
You got it.
Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall. As soon as his
back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I
love your boobs." The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh
(we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).
EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY
Beefy is walking with him down the street. Nicky is crazy
cautious.
NICKY
From now on. I'm just going to avoid
all moving metal objects.
BEEFY
Great. Now your father gave me some
deposit money for a nice pad on the
Upper East Side. But I misplaced it.
FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club. Champagne
is on the table. Bills in his mouth. We see THREE DANCERS
dancing for him.
FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. VILLAGE STREET
Nicky and Beefy.
BEEFY
So I found this other joint for you.
But you're gonna have a roommate.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the
phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.
TODD
(on phone)
I know exactly how you feel... The night
Reagan was elected, I said to my mother,
"Is this man going to blow up the world,
Mommy?" Then we both cried for like an
hour.
(knock at the door)
Somebody's here. Call you later.
Todd gets up and opens the door. It's Nicky, with Beefy by
his side. Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.
NICKY
Hello, friend, my name is Nicky. I
understand you're seeking a roommate, as
per your advertisement in the Village
Voice. Would it be possible for me to
fill the slot?
TODD
Uh, don't you want to know what the rent
is?
Nicky looks down at Beefy. Beefy looks up at Nicky. Both
nod imperceptibly.
NICKY
Yes. What is rent?
TODD
Eight-hundred, split down the middle.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with
my scene partner so the living room will
be off limits.
NICKY
Off limits.
TODD
Right. And as far as household items:
we can share the soap, but we'll split
the cost 60/40.
Cause the person who physically goes out
and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay
as much as the other guy.
(looks at Nicky)
Aren't you boiling in that outfit?
NICKY
No.
TODD
It's like eighty degrees in this
hallway. You from the South?
NICKY
Yeah. The deep South.
Nicky laughs a little too hard.
TODD
Why is that funny?
NICKY
I don't know.
TODD
And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.
Todd turns and goes into the apartment.
BEEFY
You'll be alright. Go on. Big day
tomorrow. Don't forget to do that sleep
thing I told you about.
NICKY
Got ya.
(to Todd)
Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?
TODD
Yeah, your bedroom is right over there.
The door closes. Beefy looks down at the welcome mat. It
reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING. Beefy raises his leg over
it.
INT. NICKY'S ROOM
Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully
clothed. When he inhales through his nose, we hear that
familiar snoring/snorting sound. But when he exhales, we
hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.
SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands,
looking concerned.
EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING
We HEAR the bells toll. We see the beautiful exterior of a
large church.
INT. CATHEDRAL
CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL. He ascends the
steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation.
We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service. He
gins his homily.
CARDINAL
In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who
we are to live if we wish to attain the
splendor of Heaven... or something like
that. Jesus sure says a lot of stuff in
the Bible. Moses this. Moses that.
Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat.
The crowd stares dumbfounded. We see that the Cardinal is
standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box
with the top open.
CARDINAL (CONT'D)
Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of
hibbity-jibbity. But has he ever really
done anything for us? Has he ever put a
Jaguar XJR in my driveway? Has he ever
given any of my enemies the herpes? No.
He hasn't done a damn thing for any of
us.
A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
The Lord gave my son the strength to get
off drugs.
CARDINAL
Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me,
he was better off on drugs. He's a
bore. At least when he was smoking
hashish, he made me laugh occasionally.
A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.
YOUNG MAN
After we tried for many years, the Lord
finally helped my wife conceive a baby.
CARDINAL
No, your best friend Fitzie helped your
wife conceive a baby. He helped her
conceive it all night long.
Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts
to "raise the roof." Then thinks better of it. The Cardinal
points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.
CARDINAL (CONT'D)
How about you, Mr. Mayor? The Lord ever
do anything for you?
The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.
MAYOR
(standing)
Well, I wish I could think of something,
Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I
can't. Kind of makes you wonder if
there even is a Lord. If there is any
ultimate punishment for our so-called
"sins." Maybe we should all just have
fun and do whatever the hell we want.
A hubbub is raised by the crowd. Fitzie raises the roof
again, this time energetically.
CARDINAL
Amen to that. Let the sin begin!
The hubbub grows to a roar. Several PEOPLE start fighting
over the money in the collection plate.
The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor. We hear the
Cardinal's thoughts - in Adrian's voice.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Oh, this is delicious.
ON MAYOR
He's smirking. WE HEAR his telepathic response.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
(laughing)
"Let the sin begins" - that was a good
one.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Well, we must get people sinning if we
want to fill up our New Hell. How are
things going down at City Hall?
CASSIUS (O.S.)
I lowered the drinking age to ten.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Brilliant. This is so much fun. I
never want it to end.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Why should it end? Who's gonna stop us?
The Mayor/Cassius laughs. As he does, his eyes slowly cross.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk. PAN OVER TO:
Nicky, his pants around his ankles. He's trying to do the
same.
NICKY
This is intense! And it happens every
day? Sometimes twice? I gotta tip my
hat to you people!
BEEFY
Look, it's okay for me to shit the
street. But you gotta use a toilet.
NICKY
(pulling up pants)
Okay, just point me in the right
direction next time.
BEEFY
Come on, there's like ten million people
in this city and the clock is ticking.
NICKY
Well, let's rock and roll.
Nicky looks at the next person walking by. It's a CHINESE
DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle. Nicky clotheslines him, taking
him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Get in the bottle. Dad's falling apart.
You froze the gate and you're killing
him. Drink!
Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips.
CHINESE DELIVERY GUY
I'm not thirsty! I'm not thirsty!
NICKY
just get in the flask!
The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick
to the head and runs away. Nicky gets up.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Adrian and Cassius! You think a kick to
the head is gonna make me throw in the
towel? Well, in the immortal words of
Judas Priest, "You got another thing
comin'."
Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the
bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Nicky approaches various people as they pass. (To be shot
long lense, real people, real reactions.)
INT. POPEYE'S - DAY
Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the
Cashier to drink. The Cashier yanks his head away and gives
Nicky a dirty look. Nicky shrugs and points to the menu,
ordering some chicken.
EXT. STREET - DAY
nicky walks up to a homeless man. He thrusts the bottle in
his face. To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes
it and drinks. Nothing happens. Nicky is baffled. He tries
to take the flask back, but the man won't let go. Finally he
grabs it away from him. The man starts throwing garbage at
Nicky as he walks away.
INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY
Beefy is looking around for Nicky. He spots him - inside the
polar bear cage. Nicky approaches the bear holding the
flask.
INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER
Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again.
The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs.
GATEKEEPER
Bus?
NICKY
Beast.
The Monster laughs.
GATEKEEPER
(to Monster)
You like that? You think that's funny?
The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels.
GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
How about that? You like that?
The Monster howls with delight.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY
Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a
Popeye's drumstick.
NICKY
All that running and chasing is making
the sleep thing want to come early.
BEEFY
I think we have to work on narrowing
down our list of suspects. Now I'm
going to go check in with some of my
contacts uptown.
Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores. He's asleep.
Beefy sighs.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just
begging to come out...
Beefy walks away.
EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY
Nicky snores. Masses of birds fly out of the trees. Nicky
snores. Squirrels run out of trees. Nicky snores.
ON WORRIED PEOPLE
Staring at Nicky who continues to snore. Two HEAVY-METAL
GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a
goofy dance. They hear something and turn the music down:
it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore.
PETER
Sounds like our devil dance actually
worked this time.
JOHN
'Bout time...
Nicky snores. It sounds like "I will eat your hearts." The
worried people run away. Nicky snores. Children on the
Carousel, going real fast, upset. Nicky snores.
Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench.
JOHN (CONT'D)
There's our man.
PETER
Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties
to the dark side.
A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky. He eyes
the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket.
JOHN
What's with that guy?
PETER
Gotta be one of his disciples or
something.
Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten
drumstick) and runs off.
JOHN
Yo, man, I think that devil guy just got
ripped off.
PETER
Should we wake him up?
JOHN
Yeah. You do it.
Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud
SNORT.
PETER
Rise and shine, devil guy. Some dude
just stole your shit.
Nicky feels for the flask. It's gone.
NICKY
Oh nooooo....
Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Which way did he go?
JOHN
That way.
Nicky is about to run off. Looks at John's shirt.
NICKY
Iron Maiden live double disc is simply
phenomenal.
He runs off.
PETER
Did you check out the dragon mouth?
JOHN
The Dark Prince is here.
EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY
Nicky is searching the street for his flask. He walks past
several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the
sidewalk. PAUSE. Nicky comes walking back into frame as he
sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the
blanket of the VENDOR.
NICKY
Hey...
STREET VENDOR
See something you like, my man?
NICKY
Yes. I would like my flask back.
The street vendor stands, very angry.
STREET VENDOR
You callin' me a thief, my man?
NICKY
No, I'm just calling you... a guy who
has my flask.
STREET VENDOR
And if that is your so-called "flask,"
how would I have it unless I was, in
fact, a thief?
NICKY
(not sure what the answer is)
I don't know?
A YUPPIE JOGGER is checking out the flask.
MAN
Yeah, how much for the silver flask
there?
STREET VENDOR
Well, that's a very special item. The
cap itself is one hundred percent
plappium. It's a value is over three
thousand dollars.
MAN
Really. Where's it from?
NICKY
It was handcrafted in hell by Satan
himself and is only to be used for the
capture and containment of my blood
brothers so that the firefall of Hades
will burn brightly once again.
MAN
Really. I think we'll let you keep it
then.
He walks away.
STREET VENDOR
Okay, now you gone and done it. You
done messed with my business bitch!
NICKY
Sir, I would prefer if you didn't raise
your voice. It's making my muscles
tighten.
We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red.
STREET VENDOR
Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on me?
I'll show you some crazy eyes. Let's
get busy.
The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts
swinging his fists around.
Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, is
selling clothes off a spread out blanket. She notices what's
going on.
Nicky's eyes widen in panic. Just then, Valerie steps in.
VALERIE
Excuse me, does that flask belong to
this man?
STREET VENDOR
(frustrated)
Now you callin' me a thief? Damn.
VALERIE
Look, I know you come out here and sell
stolen stuff all the time. But today,
the guy you stole from just happened to
walk by and bust you. So why don't you
admit today's not your day and give him
his flask back?
STREET VENDOR
Or what're you gonna do about it? Ugly
me to death?
VALERIE
No, but maybe that cop over there might
have something to say.
Valerie points to a cop across the street. The Street Vendor
ponders this for a second, then...
STREET VENDOR
Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.
(looking at Valerie)
And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes
and find a new corner. Before I show
you what real crazy is.
The vendor does crazy eyes again.
VALERIE
Fine. I will.
Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.
NICKY
Hey, mister. I'll be seeing you in a
few years.
Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky
follows her.
NICKY (CONT'D)
That was amazing. Thanks so much. You
didn't have to do that.
VALERIE
That's okay. I get messed with all the
time and when I saw him doing that to
you I just lost it. I hate when people
take advantage of tourists. It ruins it
for the rest of us.
NICKY
You think I'm a tourist?
VALERIE
I'm sorry. I just assumed. Your accent
maybe. Where are you from?
NICKY
The South.
VALERIE
Really?
NICKY
Yeah. Deep south.
(laughs hard)
She laughs along with him, not sure why.
VALERIE
Why are you laughing?
NICKY
I don't know, but I like it. Say. Your
glasses are nice. They make your eyes
look sparkly and big. It's fun to look
at them.
VALERIE
My dad's an optometrist.
NICKY
My dad's in hell, and he's falling
apart.
VALERIE
I'm sorry. It's really tough when your
parents get older.
NICKY
If I don't save him, I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
VALERIE
Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like
you will figure something out.
Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her. He
hands her the half-eaten drumstick.
NICKY
Here, have a Popeye's. This drumstick
ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'.
VALERIE
That's alright. I already ate lunch. I
actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati.
NICKY
Could I come with you to getting a
Gelati?
VALERIE
If you want to.
NICKY
Want to? A million angry octopus people
couldn't hold me back!
VALERIE
"Octopus people?"
NICKY
Uh, it's a deep south expression.
Nicky laughs.
EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER
They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.
NICKY
It's freezing my hands.
VALERIE
It's not that cold. Here, let me wrap
it.
Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky. Just
then the PREACHER walks by. He quickly turns his head,
sensing Nicky.
PREACHER
Why do you taunt me with your darkness?!
Your evil is stinking up our streets!
We're all gonna die!
He takes off running right into a lamp post.
VALERIE
This town is really going to hell
lately.
(Nicky nods)
So what part of the city do you live in?
NICKY
I have an apartment. I don't remember
exactly where. My dog knows, though.
VALERIE
(laughs)
You have a dog? What kind?
NICKY
I'm not sure. I'd ask him, but he's
uptown talking to his contacts.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY
Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.
BEEFY
Remember, it's not the size of the boat,
it's the motion of the ocean.
GIRL DOG
Just finish.
EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY
VALERIE
I'd love to have a dog. But I go to
school full time. It wouldn't be fair
to the dog.
NICKY
School?
VALERIE
Parsons School of Design. I knew
growing up I wasn't much to look at, so
I put my energy into making things that
are pretty.
NICKY
What's that pleasant smell coming from,
your skin?
VALERIE
My perfume?
He takes her wrist to his nose. He stares at it, licks it.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
(laughs)
It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific."
Which I think is the French word for
coconuts.
Nicky stops and looks at her.
NICKY
Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch
of butterflies flapping around in my
stomach. Is that normal?
VALERIE
Sometimes, sure.
NICKY
Good. I was concerned.
EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY
The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall. We hear loud
wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side.
GATEKEEPER
Doesn't sound very good behind there. I
hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth.
The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather
biker's hat. He nods along in agreement.
PAN TO LUCIFER
Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of
fire/pond.
LUCIFER
You know, I was the one who created
Hell.
GATEKEEPER
I know, your wickedness.
LUCIFER
I started slow, though. For years, I
was just giving people hot foots.
Actually, you can give all the credit
for Hell to my first wife; she was the
inspiration. She was an ugly one, too.
One day, she asked me if I wanted super
sex. I said I'll take the soup.
The Monster laughs really hard.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
Take it easy there, Chewbacca. In fact,
you look like her mother, except she had
more hair.
The Monster laughs even harder.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
You know what was in Hell when I came
down here, Cassius?
GATEKEEPER
It's Stanley, sir.
LUCIFER
Nothing. No mountains. No castles.
Looked like a giant parking lot. It
wasn't even called Hell.
GATEKEEPER
What was it called, sir.
LUCIFER
Boogerland!
GATEKEEPER
That's nice, Grandpa. Why don't you
just enjoy the fishing?
LUCIFER
I can't enjoy anything. I go fishing.
I catch nothing. I go to orgies, I
catch everything...
We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's
fishing line to:
EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY
We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook. A
giant fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body. Only his head
is sticking out.
PEEPER
I deserve this!
EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY
Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.
KID
I just stole twenty-five bucks off the
bar.
KID #2
How many beers did you have?
KID # 3
Eight sips.
KID
I had five! I'm so wasted.
They both high five, throw up and fall. PAN over to ADRIAN
sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle
of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.
ADRIAN
When an adult goes to Hell, that's
terrific. But when a child goes...
that's why I'm in this business.
Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with
Valerie. He's shocked.
Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her
collection.
NICKY
So you're saying, make all pants with a
drawstring, then heavier set gals don't
have to feel humiliated by telling their
waist size in front of the whole store?
VALERIE
Basically, yeah.
NICKY
Wow. Maybe you should make drawstring
socks for gals with fat ankles.
Valerie laughs.
VALERIE
You know what's nice about you? You
just seem happy being yourself. You
don't try to act cool.
NICKY
Thanks much. You know what's nice about
you, Valerie?
VALERIE
What?
Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden. NICKY looks like he's
been stunned by something.
NICKY
Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.
VALERIE
What was that?
NICKY
(shocked and confused)
I...I don't know why I just said that.
I meant to say that...
QUICK CUT TO:
Adrian's eyes flashing.
NICKY (CONT'D)
...I've always wanted to have sex with a
gross pig. What do you say we go behind
that dumpster, pull our pants down and
see what happens?
Valerie's very hurt.
VALERIE
You're a jerk.
She turns and walks away. Nicky looks over and sees Adrian.
His inner voice speaks to him.
NICKY (O.S.)
ADRIAN!
ADRIAN (O.S.)
You shouldn't have come here.
NICKY (O.S.)
Please, get out of my mind!
Adrian's eyes flash.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Hey, Valerie!
She stops and turns. Nicky RAISES his fist to resist
Adrian's force. It's too much. His middle finger comes up,
giving her the "finger."
VALERIE
What the hell's your problem?
She runs away crying. Nicky turns to Adrian who's still
across the street.
NICKY (O.S.)
Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell.
Dad's sick.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
He's sick?
NICKY (O.S.)
Yeah, he needs souls to live. When you
guys left, you broke the gates. We
gotta get the gates burning again before
he dies.
Adrian processes this.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
He should have thought of that before he
denied me my birthright.
NICKY (O.S.)
Well maybe you should go back and talk
it over with him.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
How about this? I stay here enjoying my
Schnapps and you go back.
Nicky's body jerks around.
NICKY (O.S.)
Adrian, please...
Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and
crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large
truck bearing down on him.
JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them. Peter looks
down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes.
PETER
Check this out. The number of the
beast.
They laugh and hi-five.
ON THE TV - DAY
INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM
Dan Rather speaks to the camera. Over his shoulder we see a
graphic of the Arch-Decon's face. NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made
up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.)
DAN RATHER
Reverberations from Arch-Decon
Donnelly's shocking speech are still
being felt throughout the city. Today,
some disgruntled cast members of the
play CATS broke the fourth wall in a
most hostile manner.
VIDEO FOOTAGE
A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around
shocked audience members.
BACK ON DAN RATHER
DAN RATHER
...But even that does not come close to
what happened today on Live with Regis
and Kathy Lee.
VIDEO FOOTAGE
The set of Regis and Kathy Lee.
REGIS
So I was driving to work today, and some
bozo in a Cadillac cut me off...
KATHY LEE
Oh, that's terrible, Reege...
REGIS
So I followed him...
KATHY LEE
You followed him?
REGIS
I followed him all the way downtown, and
when he gets out of the car, I reach
under my seat and pull out an aluminum
bat.
KATHY LEE
You keep a bat under your seat?
REGIS
Recently, yes! So I run up behind this
guy, and start bashing his brains in
with this bat, and it made me feel
happy! Did you ever see THE
UNTOUCHABLES?
KATHY LEE
Yes, great movie...
REGIS
I was DeNiro!
The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying. The TV turns off.
We PULL BACK to see that we are in.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY
Beefy turns to Nicky.
BEEFY
Your brothers are upsetting the balance
of good and evil.
NICKY
What can I do about it?
BEEFY
You can't do jack shit... unless you
learn your evil powers.
NICKY
Nobody's as evil as my brothers. Those
dudes put the wick in wicked.
BEEFY
Go get a soda out of the fridge.
NICKY
But those are my roommate's sodas...
BEEFY
(high-pitched mocking)
"But those are my roommate's sodas..."
Does that sound like a statement the son
of the devil would make?
Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it
on the coffee table. He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare
at the Coke.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
You have the power to change the cola in
that can into any other liquid - engine
oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just
have to release the evil within you.
NICKY
Release the evil?
BEEFY
I'm just saying, there's wickedness in
you... I can tell from your snores.
Nicky stares at the can.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
Release your evil...
Nicky frowns and bites his lip. The can rattles a little.
TODD
What are you doing?
Todd is standing in the doorway. Beefy runs to the fire
escape.
*******************
TODD (CONT'D)
I know it's your living room night. But
can I finish watching the Globetrotters'
game out here? To me it's classic
Comedia Dellarte.
CUT TO:
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
The TV clicks on. We see TODD sit down and look at the TV.
Nicky's behind him.
ON TV
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY
BILL WALTON
What an odd game, folks. The powerhouse
85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, who normal
run circles around the 0-85 Nationals,
seem to be struggling to find their
groove in front of their hometown fans.
A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who
makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE
GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING. The REF blows the whistle and
makes the travelling signal.
REF
He's walking, get him a bus!
BILL WALTON
Oh, another awful call. There is no way
that was travelling.
Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face.
CORNROWS
What's with all these crazy calls? You
gotta watch that shit, we haven't lost a
game in 53 years.
REF
Technical foul!
Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face.
ON TODD AND NICKY
NICKY
That guy in the striped shirt snaps his
fingers like someone I know...
ON TV
The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously
slam their heads on the scorers table again and again.
ON TODD AND NICKY
NICKY (CONT'D)
It looks like the work of a brother...
TODD
A black guy?
NICKY
If it's Cassius, yes.
Nicky races for the door.
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY
As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's
shirt yells out.
GLOBETROTTER FAN
Get your head out your ass, ref! The
kids came to see the Globetrotters win.
REF
Oh, so you wanna lip off to me?
Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big mouth
in the Globetrotter's shirt. Take ten
points off for the Globetrotters.
The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36.
ON STANDS
The KIDS are crying.
ON COURT
The halftime buzzer sounds. The Globetrotters walk off the
court. The crowd BOOS.
BILL WALTON
In all my years of basketball, I was
never so happy to hear a halftime
buzzer. Folk, I'm afraid if the second
half doesn't get any better, I expect a
full scale riot.
A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court.
COURT ANNOUNCER
It's time for the Globetrotter's
halftime half-court heave throw, where
one lucky fan will have a shot at ten
thousand dollars!
A brick lands at the announcer's feet.
COURT ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
And if he makes it, everyone in
attendance today will receive a free
pizza.
INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous. He
has a pass on.
MIGUEL
I ain't goin' out there and taking the
shot. These people have gone crazy.
NICKY
I'll take the shot.
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS
As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John.
PETER
Look who's back from the dead.
JOHN
Six, six, six, pick up sticks.
They high-five. The only happy fans in their section.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV. Beefy is
watching from the fire escape.
TODD
What's Nicky doing down there?
BEEFY
Trying to capture his brother in a flask
and preserve the balance of good and
evil on Earth.
Todd looks over, suspicious.
TODD
Did you just talk?
BEEFY
No.
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS
The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky.
COURT ANNOUNCER
You better win these people some free
pizza. Looks like they're about to
start killing each other.
STANDS
A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of
stairs.
COURTSIDE
The court announcer hands Nicky the ball. He looks at it.
NICKY
Release the evil.
His eyes get red. Staring at the ball, it explodes.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Okay, too much evil..
Bill Walton's hair is on fire.
BILL WALTON
I think that ball just blew up. And
yes, my hair is aflame.
NICKY
(turning to sideline)
Could I get another ball?
The court announcer throws out another ball. Nicky stares at
it again with red eyes.
NICKY (CONT'D)
I command you not to blow up and go into
that metal circle.
Nicky throws an underhand shot. The ball arcs through the
air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere
and swats it away.
REF
Get that crap outta here!
The crowd BOOS! Nicky and the ref stare at each other.
NICKY (O.S.)
I know you're having fun, Cassius, but
you gotta come back to Hell.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Look around you, Nicky. We're in Hell.
The New Hell.
STANDS
We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising
the roof.
COURTSIDE
As the crowd BOOS, Nicky runs over and grabs the microphone.
NICKY
Listen up, New York. Your souls are in
great danger...
Nicky gets hit by a hot dog.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Alright, how about this? I get one more
shot. The ref will cover me. I miss
it, the Globetrotters forfeit the game.
I make it, he doesn't ref the second
half and we all start conducting
ourselves like decent human beings
again.
The crowd is silent.
NICKY (CONT'D)
And we get free pizza.
The crowd roars.
INT. ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
Bill Walton's hair is now burnt looking.
BILL WALTON
I think it's safe to say we're all
rooting for this bizarre and hideous
looking man.
Bill Walton reaches over to an old lady sitting near him. He
takes off her wig, leaving behind her bald head, and puts her
wig on his head in order to cover his burnt hair.
The crowd starts YELLING.
CROWD
Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!
STANDS
John and Peter are yelling the loudest.
COURTSIDE
The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball.
NICKY
You know, Dad got very sick when you
left.
REF
I heard. I'm glad he's dying. It's my
turn now.
Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Beefy is watching, transfixed.
BEEFY
Take him to the hole, Nicky.
(Todd stares)
I mean, woof! Woof!
Todd looks at Beefy, terrified.
INT. TUNNEL
We see CORNROWS and some other Globetrotters are coming back
from the locker room. They stop to watch.
INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS
Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays
extremely tight defense. Nicky fakes one way, then heads
toward the basket. The ref stays tight. Nicky's eyes are
redder than ever. He fakes left, he fakes right. He
dribbles behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then
takes his momentum up toward the basket. He jumps from the
foul line and flies through the air. He emits a crazy, blood
curdling, devil yell.
CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO:
SHOT CLOCK
It reads: 666.
Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE.
Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO.
BACK ON NICKY
Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the
Exorcist). He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous
dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces. He hits
the ref on the way down. The crowd CHEERS, finally happy
again.
NICKY
Never doubt my skills.
INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
CORNROWS
Damn, I gotta learn how to do that.
MID-COURT
Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor,
covered in glass. He gets up slowly
REF
That's nuts. When'd you learn that
shit?
NICKY
Sorry, Cassius. Maybe it was the super
devil juice Dad gave me. HE thought I
might need it for just such an occasion.
REGIS
Super devil juice? Give it over. Let's
go best two out of three.
NICKY
(pulls out the flask)
No. No way. Dad said it was only for
me.
The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks.
Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the
ref's mouth and into the bottle. WHOOSH! The ref slumps to
the floor.
STANDS
Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow.
COURTSIDE
Nicky peers into the flask.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no super
devil juice in here!
Nicky caps the flask. Nicky waves to the stunned, but
appreciative crowd.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A homemade cake is laid out. It reads: CONGRATULATIONS,
NICKY. JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there.
TODD
So your father's the devil, you're a
talking dog sent from Hell, and you guys
are who?
PEEPER
Just a couple of big fans of Nicky and
the work his Dad does.
JOHN
By the way, Nicky. Check this out.
He spins his Black Sabbath backwards.
JOHN (CONT'D)
What's Ozzy trying to say there?
NICKY
Absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always
came straight with his messages. But
wrap your minds around this one.
Nicky gets up and we see his is sitting on a hibachi. He pus
on a James Taylor album and plays it backwards.
VOICE
I command you in the name of the Lucifer
to spread the blood of the innocent.
John and Peter look at each other, shocked.
JOHN
No wonder your uncle's so weird...
TODD
I gotta say this cake tastes a little
funny.
PETER
Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the
mix. Tried to spice up the bash.
Nicky takes a big bite of cake.
NICKY
What's reefer?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT - LATER
PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere. Everyone's laughing
hard.
JOHN
Come on. One more time.
NICKY
Not again, fellas. It kind of hurts.
PETER
Please. You got to.
NICKY
(resigned)
All right...
Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360
degrees. Everyone cracks up, high fives. Even Todd LAUGHS.
PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes.
BEEFY
I used to get baked like this with my
first girlfriend, Heather. We'd get so
stoned she would forget I was a dog.
JOHN
She was human?
BEEFY
Actually, she was a sewer rat. Man,
that pissed my parents off.
JOHN
I dated a Japanese girl once. My
parents disapproved. Not cause she's
Japanese, but cause she was only
fifteen.
NICKY
I'm only fifteen...thousand years old.
Everyone cracks up.
TODD
I was in love one time but she said I
wasn't financially reliable enough. And
she needed that.
JOHN
By she, do you mean he?
TODD
No.
BEEFY
Busted.
(laughs)
PETER
How you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul
Jabar?
NICKY
A little strange. I can't stop thinking
about this girl, Valerie.
TODD
Why? Did she hurt you? Do you miss
her? Need a shoulder to cry on?
JOHN
Easy, Liberace.
TODD
Oh, would you grow up.
NICKY
We had the greatest afternoon of my life
until Adrian made me tell her she had a
heart-shaped ass.
BEEFY
Maybe you love her. But what do I know?
I'm baked out of my mind.
PETER
Me, too. We're gonna get going.
TODD
You guys want to stay? I have a futon
in my bedroom.
JOHN
That's a big pass, Elton John.
PETER
We're going to see Ozzy play at the
Meadowlands, right now. Wanna come,
Nicky?
NICKY
No thanks. I'm afraid I wouldn't be
able to give Ozzy the focus he deserves.
JOHN
Whoa, that chick must be the real deal,
then. Later on.
NICKY
See ya, fellas.
They leave.
BEEFY (O.S.)
You better snap out of it soon, kid.
Cause we're going after Adrian tomorrow.
Seven AM. Nighty, night.
He falls asleep and starts snoring. We hear the SOUND of
THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he
exhales.
TODD
That is the most frightening thing I
have ever seen.
Nicky stands and moves to the window. He looks out longingly
over the sleeping city... achingly. RACK FOCUS behind him,
we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection.
NICKY
Todd. Which way to the Parson's School
of Design?
EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT
Nicky walks around the corner.
SIGN READS: "Parson's School - Student Housing"
Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms. He looks up.
Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent.
NICKY
(he sniffs)
Coconuts...
Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb. His nose
leads him. He reaches the window, sniffing heavily.
INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS
A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling
his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence of
the Lambs." The student is startled.
STUDENT
Hello.
NICKY
You smell like coconuts.
STUDENT
It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Makes me
feel like a hula girl. Which is kinda
what I'm going for. Wanna come in?
NICKY
No thanks. I'm looking for a girl named
Valerie who also smells like coconuts.
STUDENT
Valerie Doran? Two floors up, one
window over.
NICKY
Thanks, much. Good luck with the
genital tucking.
STUDENT
I don't need luck. I'm good.
Nicky floats away. A few seconds later, he floats back,
holding up the flask.
NICKY
Adrian?
STUDENT
Andrew.
Nicky nods and floats off.
EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER
Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in.
INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Cool music. She is up late. Working by candlelight on a
fantastic design. Something's not working. She drapes a
beautiful fabric over another. She smiles at the
combination. She is happy being creative. Nicky feels his
heart swell as he watches her.
ON NICKY
He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her. His
head bumps the window. She turns, startled. She sees the
beaming Nicky.
NICKY
Hey.
VALERIE
Nicky? Oh my G-d. Stay right there.
Pause. Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace
right in Nicky's face.
NICKY
Oh that stings! My eyes are on fire!
Nicky stands up and stumbles around.
VALERIE
What were you thinking coming here?
NICKY
I'm not sure, but it didn't involve
getting blinded with poison.
He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes
flying over the back rail.
EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT
We see Nicky hurtling toward the street. Holding his eyes.
VALERIE
Oh my G-d, I'm so sorry!
Suddenly he stops. Suspended above ground. Valerie doesn't
hear the expected thud.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
Nicky?
He floats up, but he can't see.
NICKY
Valerie?
VALERIE
Are you dead?
NICKY
No.
VALERIE
What are you doing?
NICKY
I think I'm floating.
VALERIE
Why would you be floating?
NICKY
I don't know. Maybe it's because of
your sweet voice.
VALERIE
Am I supposed to not be freaked out
right now? Because I am.
He's floating up. He slows down.
NICKY
I can't see you but I can smell you.
And you make me feel alive in a way I've
never felt before.
CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window.
The student's dripping candle wax on his belly.
STUDENT
You got the wrong window again, man.
NICKY
Oh. Sorry, Andrew. Valerie?
Nicky resumes floating up.
VALERIE
I'm over here, Nicky! To the left.
Nicky is parallel with her. He hovers in front of her, eyes
still watering. She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies
back ten feet.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
Look, just because you're floating
doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you
giving me the finger.
NICKY
That wasn't me. I was being possessed
by my brother, Adrian. He's the one who
call you a gross pig.
VALERIE
What do you mean, "possessed?"
NICKY
Remember when I told you my Dad was in
Hell?
VALERIE
Yes...
NICKY
Well, that's because he's the Devil.
And he wants to keep his throne for
another ten-thousand years. Which is
fine with me, but not with my brothers,
so they broke out of Hell, causing my
dad...
VALERIE
... "The Devil?"...
NICKY
...to decompose. And I love my Dad
very much. So I came to Earth to save
him but then crazy eyes stole my flask
and I met you and...well, my dog tells
me I just might be in love with you.
His vision is clearing and he can start to see her. She is
totally in shock but still here.
VALERIE
Okay, now I get that "deep south" joke.
Nicky laughs. Valerie joins in.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
I don't know if I should believe you.
Nicky starts to drop.
NICKY
You gotta believe me. You gotta believe
in the butterflies.
VALERIE
Okay, I do. Get back up here.
He floats up to her holding out his hand. Nervously, she
takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are
flying.
EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT
They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
VALERIE
This is amazing.
They soar past some more buildings.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The preacher sense something. He looks to the sky, then
holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can.
PREACHER
The hellbeast is above us. He's
invading our skies! We're all gonna
die! We're all gonna die!
EXT. SKY - NIGHT
VALERIE
He's kind of ruining the mood.
NICKY
Let me take care of that.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky.
PREACHER
We're all gonna die!
A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off. A powerful blast of
water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across
the street into a plate glass window.
EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS
VALERIE
Can we go fly over Central Park?
NICKY
Next time. Tonight, I want to share the
most beautiful thing I could possibly
imagine.
EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT
They fly over it, away from NYC.
VALERIE
We're going to Jersey?
NICKY
East Rutherford.
EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT
They float high above the Meadowlands. There is an outdoor
concert going on. OZZFEST.
We hear the Ozz on stage in his encore. He is singing "Mr.
Crowley." Nicky turns to Valerie.
NICKY
I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy live
until he was dead.
(he looks at her)
Please tell me you like metal.
VALERIE
(sings along to song)
"Mister Crowley, what's inside of your
head..."
Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her.
NICKY
My dog was right. I'm in love with you.
They slow dance tighter. The music swells. John and Peter
look up from their seats far below. Nicky sees them while
he's holding her tight. They give thumbs up.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING
Feeling great. Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down
the street.
He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet. The
KOREANS point and seem agitated by him. Nicky gives them a
friendly wave.
NICKY
(in Korean)
Moo ya san jie bay!
The Koreans just glare. Nicky's confused.
MUSIC CUE:
A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the
sequence.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following. Nicky
looks back a little, unnerved. A TAXI screeches in front of
him. The DRIVER gets out and goes after him.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their
teacher and start chasing Nicky.
EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY
A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by. He thinks about
going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a
candy bar instead.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky. They point
and start wheeling after him.
EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY
Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob.
NICKY
What's going on here?
But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to
catch up. They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a
last second right turn into an alley. The wheelchairs can't
slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the
bottom of the street. The TOURIST on the top level look over
the edge to see the crash.
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
Nicky is panicking, out of breath. A BUM (RADIOMAN) rises up
out of his cardboard box. The bum raises his bottle and
thunks Nicky on the head. It doesn't break.
NICKY
Ow...what was that for?
BUM
Fifty million dollars.
The bum holds up a NEW YORK POST. It reads "MONSTER WANTED!"
And has a picture of Nicky. Nicky is shocked.
Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there
blocking the entrance. He's trapped. They start running
right at him. He closes his eyes.
NICKY
Release the evil.
Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying
insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD.
The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows
immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked
out.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY
Beefy and Todd are watching TV. They look over to see the
insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one
exhausted Nicky.
NICKY
I seem to be in trouble, Beefy.
BEEFY
The shit has hit the fan, kid. Take a
look.
TODD
Been breaking all morning.
ON THE TV - DAY
We see Dan Rather addressing the camera.
DAN RATHER
At a news conference earlier today,
Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave this
beleaguered city its latest dose of bad
news. He revealed that the man who
caused a sensation at basketball arena
last night is no hero... he is, in fact,
a mass murderer.
We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics. He's
holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Nicky's outraged.
NICKY
I didn't murder anybody
BEEFY
Look. You were really high. Things
happen.
NICKY
I was with Valerie, I swear. This is
Adrian's work. I've got to find him.
BEEFY
I think you're looking at him.
ON THE TV - DAY
We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese
press to keep him warm.
CHIEF OF POLICE
(on TV)
This video shows what he did after he
left the basketball arena yesterday...
ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY
Scarface shooting his AK-47. Nicky's face has been crudely
superimposed over his.
GUY
(Adrian's voice)
My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all
you suckers for no reason!
CUT TO FOOTAGE on "SCARFACE"
ON TV - DAY
The Chief shakes his head.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Difficult to watch, I know. In response
to this vicious crime, I am authorizing
the largest reward in law enforcement
history: fifty million dollars to the
person or persons who bring this man to
me.
INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Nicky stands outraged.
NICKY
This is baloney!
BEEFY
He superimposed your head onto
"Scarface."
TODD
...which is by far DePalma's best
work...
A LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR
The pounding increases.
NICKY
I'm not Nicky. I'm not home! I don't
live here!
PETER
Dude, it's us. Let us in.
Nicky opens the door. Peter and John stumble in.
JOHN
There's like a total mob scene coming
this way.
We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside.
NICKY
I thought for sure I gave 'em the slip.
Todd i s looking out the window.
TODD
Looks like they're following a giant
trail of bug shit.
PETER
What'll we do now, Beefy?
BEEFY
I don't know, this is a little out of my
league.
VOICES GROW LOUDER.
VOICES (O.S.)
Come on. Let's get 'em.
JOHN
What would your dad do, Nicky?
NICKY
Good idea...kill me.
PETER
Dude. Seriously?
NICKY
Yes. I'll meet you at Grand Central at
noon. Okay. Do me. I command you.
JOHN AND PETER
(psyched)
Alright!
John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen
counter. Nicky is dazed.
NICKY
That just hurt a lot.
TODD
I've always wanted to kill someone. Can
I do it?
JOHN
Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd. John
and Peter watch happily.
TODD
Die, Grandma, die!
Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up. Pause. The hand
drops back in. He's dead.
INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER
Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer. He's holding cards, looking
at his hand.
LUCIFER
Royal flush, you lose. Off with the
bra.
The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip
poker. The Gatekeeper takes off his bra. From behind, we
see his breasts flop out.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
Last time I saw a pair of jugs that big,
two hillbillies were blowing on them.
The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out. The
Monster laughs uproariously. Nicky enters and moves to
what's left of his dad. Arms, torso, and a head (with one
ear).
NICKY
Dad, Adrian's got the whole city after
me. He's always a step ahead. What am
I gonna do?
DAD
What are you gonna do? Look at me,
Nicky! I got no legs, I got no hips, I
got one ear...
Dad's remaining ear falls out.
DAD (CONT'D)
I got no ears! I can't hear!
JIMMY THE DEMON
Now he's got no ears! You happy, Nicky?
Your father's got no ears!
NICKY
Uh, I'll do my best, Dad. Do you have
any advice at all for me?
DAD
I can't hear you, Nicky. I can't hear
anything!
Jimmy picks up the ear. Jimmy speaks into it.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Check one-two. Check one-two.
DAD
Put it back on my head. I'm falling
apart here.
JIMMY THE DEMON
He's got 'til midnight tonight, Nicky.
(putting ear back on Dad)
You get your ass back up there. You
save your father!
Nicky looks very upset.
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
We see John and Peter enter frame. Looking very nervous.
PETER
You sure you're down with this?
JOHN
Little nervous. Wanna puke.
They approach the cops guarding the door.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Looking for the chief.
PETER
We know where to find Nicky.
COPS grab John & Peter and drag them inside.
INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY
Surrounded by prostitutes and criminals in a very hot room,
the chief of police puts down his bottle of PEPPERMINT
SCHNAPPS, stands up and looks at the two idiots.
CHIEF OF POLICE
You have what I want?
JOHN
Sure do. You got what we want?
PETER
Fifty million bones, bro.
He nods to a DEPUTY who gives them a briefcase of money.
CHIEF OF POLICE
That's half of it. You get the rest
when I get Nicky.
PETER
Excellent. But I gotta warn you, man.
He's not human.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Really?
JOHN
We think he's the son of Satan.
PAUSE. The chief LAUGHS, then everyone else does. He walks
over and picks them up by their throats.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well, then I guess I'll have to be extra
careful. Now where is he?
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY
We see the BIG CLOCK on the wall. FIVE minutes til NOON. We
see JOHN and PETER (with the briefcase) walking into GRAND
CENTRAL with the chief and twenty-five NYC cops. The chief
bumps into a filthy bag lady drinking out of paper sack.
BAG LADY
Hey, watch it! Who do you think you
are?
CHIEF OF POLICE
(never stopping)
Emperor of the New Hell.
They march through onto the platform for Track 33.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY
We see Beefy and Todd waiting by the place where Nicky
usually comes up. It is hot down there. Steam and smoke
comes out of the tunnels. Todd is nervous.
TODD
Where is he? He's late.
BEEFY
He'll be here. Just keep your cool,
kid.
They hear FOOTSTEPS. They turn and see the chief of police
backed up by the huge police force.
BEEFY (CONT'D)
We've been ratted out.
Beefy and Todd turn to see John and Peter looking sheepish.
TODD
You guys. That was so uncool.
PETER
We thought the son of Satan would
understand a move like this.
Peter and John high-five.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Okay, take these two outside. I can
handle this.
The police grab Todd and put a leash on Beefy. The cops lead
their prisoners away down the tunnel, leaving John and Peter
alone with the chief.
CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D)
Wanna see something cool?
The chief inserts a finger into his nostril. Then he fits
his hand up there. Soon his whole arm is up his nostril as
he searches for something. John and Peter are impressed.
The chief grabs something and starts to pull. Then out of
his nose comes Adrian, who fully forms as the shell of the
chief's body slumps to the ground.
ADRIAN
Ta-da. So what time is my brother
expected back?
JOHN
Noon...
They look at the clock. It's noon.
JOHN (CONT'D)
...ish.
Peter is sweating, kinda nervous.
PETER
So even though you're not really the
chief, we still get the rest of the
cash, right bro?
ADRIAN
You know what you'll get? An
indescribably horrific torture
administered by demons for the rest of
eternity.
JOHN
But what about the cash? Can we keep it
or what?
ADRIAN
Sure, why not?
They high five. Adrian smiles and waits. It is real hot
down there. We hear a train coming in the distance. A fan
circles slowly. They all wait for him.
LADY
(mumbling to herself)
Food stamps?
They should call 'em "dude stamps."
Cause ever time I get one, some dude
takes it away...
We see the HOMELESS LADY down the platform stumbling her way
towards them, drunk. Adrian scowls at her.
LADY (CONT'D)
Hey, studs. I'll let you make out with
me for a dollar!
JOHN
No thanks...but we'll take that bottle
of booze.
(grabs the bottle, laughs)
LADY
Hey...that's mine.
Peter pushes her away.
PETER
Beat it, ya freak.
John and Peter high five and John swigs from the bag.
JOHN
Schnapps...
PETER
(takes the bag, swigs)
Peppermint...alright.
Adrian raises his eyebrows. We see that the homeless lady is
actually VALERIE in disguise. She looks back, tense. John
offers Adrian the flask.
JOHN
Wanna hit?
Hands it to him. He takes it.
PETER
Drink up. Here's to fifty million
clams.
ADRIAN
To the defilement of Earth and the
corruption of its people.
PETER
Whatever. Knock it back, grab Nicky and
let's get outta this hell-hole.
Adrian smiles at John, then raises the bag. He stops just
before it hits his lips. He looks at John curiously.
ADRIAN
It is awfully hot down here. How do you
manage to stay so cool?
JOHN
Weed lowers the body temperature.
(stuttering)
I read that...in, uh...er, science
magazine.
Adrian stares at John. He raises the bag again.
ADRIAN
This liquid will probably quench my
thirst. Cool me off.
PETER
Definitely.
JOHN
And give you a good buzz.
ADRIAN
Or maybe it will trap me inside for all
eternity.
JOHN
Uh. No it won't?
John starts to tremble a bit.
ADRIAN
Oh, Nicky, I've missed you. Come on out
and say hello...
JOHN
Urr...uggg...errr...
ADRIAN
(eyes getting red)
I'm calling you out, brother...
Adrian is mentally pulling Nicky out of John. Nicky/John
wages an epic battle with himself as Adrian smiles.
JOHN/NICKY
Urrr...uggh...
(as Nicky)
Oww. Adrian, this is very painful.
Nicky comes flying out. John's body slumps to the floor next
to the chief's. Adrian looks in the "Schnapps bottle" to see
the flask wrapped in paper. He peeks inside.
ADRIAN
Hello, Cassius.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
All right. Let me out.
ADRIAN
You know, New Hell really only needs one
new Satan.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
You mother...
Adrian hands Nicky the flask.
ADRIAN
But Cassius could use some company for
the rest of eternity. So get in the
flask.
He puts the Flask in Nicky's hands.
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - MOMENTS LATER
The police are escorting Beefy and Todd through the terminal.
Beefy starts whining and stops. The cops look down. Beefy
raises his leg.
COP
Oh, he's gotta pee.
A thick, yellow smoke shoots out of Beefy, enveloping the
group. Beefy escapes and bolts back down stairs.
TODD
Run, Beefy! Run!
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS
Adrian stares down Nicky.
NICKY
I won't drink. You can't make me.
Adrian looks over at Valerie. Suddenly she comes flying over
to him. He grabs her by the throat.
We hear a train coming in the distance.
ADRIAN
Of course I can. Drink or she dies.
(Nicky is scared)
Unlike you, she won't come back from
where she's going.
NICKY
Let her go.
ADRIAN
I hear a train coming. Drink.
The train sound is coming CLOSER. Valerie looks at Nicky.
Nicky raises the flash to drink.
VALERIE
Don't do it.
NICKY
I have to, Valerie.
We see Beefy skid to a stop, raise his leg and a full size
archery arrow shoots out of his penis and tracks right into
ADRIAN'S LEG.
ADRIAN
Ahhh!
BEEFY
Now that hurt the both of us.
Valerie is able to escape momentarily. Adrian reaches for
her, grabbing her. They both spin and fall down onto the
tracks. Right into the oncoming train.
NICKY
Valerie!!!
Nicky leaps down onto the tracks, wrestles Valerie away from
Adrian and tosses her off the tracks. Adrian looks at Nicky.
ADRIAN
See you in Hell!
WHAMM! The train comes by, hitting both Adrian and Nicky.
INT. HELL GATES - CONTINUOUS
Adrian comes flying through the solid firefall into Hell. He
looks around. Confused, there's no Nicky.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BEAUTIFUL FIELD - DAY
Nicky is lying in a huge field of tall, very green grass. He
sits up, and feels his face to make sure it's all there.
Nicky looks around, alarmed. He seems to be in a mountain
vale, maybe in the foothills of the Alps. It's gorgeous.
Off in the distance, floating in the air, is a giant birthday
cake. Nicky stands up and the cottage seems to be floating
down to him.
EXT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY
The cake lands softly in front of him, the door ajar. After
a moment's hesitation, Nicky goes in.
INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS
Nicky enters the cake to find ANGEL and two friends: JENNA
and CHRISTA. They are doing arts and crafts sort of things
on a glass table in front of them. They stare at him. Angel
rises.
ANGEL
Oh. My. G-d. I can't believe you're
here. Welcome. Can I just tell you, I
am so excited right now.
CHRISTA
So excited.
JENNA
She really is.
NICKY
That's terrific. Now could you ladies
point me to the Black Palace? I should
check in with my dad...
Nicky trails off as he sees the Angels laughing at him.
ANGEL
I'm sorry, you're just so cute.
JENNA
Do you have any idea where you are right
now?
NICKY
The home of eternal damnation, house of
Hades, H.E. double toothpicks...
ANGEL
Maybe try the opposite of that.
The Angel and two friends laugh and high-five. Nicky's
confused.
ANGEL (CONT'D)
Okay, can I just ask you something?
What do you know about your mom?
NICKY
My brothers told me my mother was a
mountain goat. Which would explain my
chronic halitosis.
ANGEL
(annoyed)
A mountain goat? That's really sweet.
NICKY
My mom wasn't a goat?
ANGEL
Try an angel.
NICKY
An angel?
ANGEL
Unh-huh. Which would make you half
angel.
Nicky is floored.
NICKY
Wow. What...what did she look like?
ANGEL
Well, she was about six-three, only
spoke Portuguese and had really long
grey hair.
The GIRLS start laughing.
ANGEL (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, I'm totally busting on you.
I'm your mom.
Nicky is even more floored. FLASH. Jenna has taken a
picture of Nicky.
JENNA
I'm sorry, but you just had the sweetest
look on your face.
CHRISTA
You're gonna be so happy she did that.
NICKY
(stunned)
How come you're not older?
ANGEL
Angels don't get any older, son.
JENNA
I can't believe you just called him
"son."
ANGEL
Oh my G-d. This is so wild.
They laugh. Nicky is quite baffled.
INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY
Dad is just a pair of lips, with ears on either side held up
by two forearms with hands attached, lying on the throne.
Gatekeeper, Lucifer, Jimmy and a few other demons stand
around.
DAD
I can't see shit. You're all still
here, right?
Adrian enters. They all cheer.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Adrian's here. You'll be back to normal
in a jiffy, sir.
DAD LIPS
Yea! I can't believe little Nicky came
through.
ADRIAN
Where's Nicky?
JIMMY THE DEMON
He came with you and Cassius, right?
ADRIAN
I came through that gate alone.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Sorry, sir, false alarm.
DAD
Boooo.
ADRIAN
Somebody explain what's going on.
Puts the Gatekeeper in a headlock.
GATEKEEPER
You'll get nothing out of me.
ADRIAN
Perhaps a titty twister will loosen your
lips.
He twists a breast. The Gatekeeper babbles out the
information immediately.
GATEKEEPER
The only way to save your dad is for you
and your brothers to pass through the
gates at the same time before he
deteriorates completely.
ADRIAN
How much time does Dad have before that
happens?
Adrian twists hard.
GATEKEEPER
Thirty minutes. And then whoever claims
his throne will have unimaginable power.
Adrian throws him down.
LUCIFER
All boobs and no balls.
ADRIAN
Thirty minutes. Hmmm. I hope you don't
mind if I take a seat while I wait for
you.
He moves to the throne and throws the lips off.
DAD LIPS
Ahhh!
He pushes Lucifer out of the way.
LUCIFER
I don't get no respect.
ADRIAN
Ten thousand years. And I never once
got to sit here.
He sits on the throne and it starts to shake a little. He
grins as two horns grow out of his forehead.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
Wow. And this is just a little taste of
my power.
DAD
Hell's gonna bust wide open. Demons,
get him out of the chair!
The demons approach.
ADRIAN
Ah-ah. Not so fast, demons. There are
a couple of million evil souls on Earth
ready to be harvested. Anyone
interested?
The demons stop. Now loyal to Adrian. All except Jimmy.
INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY
Everyone is sitting around drinking Diet Cokes.
NICKY
Are you Adrian and Cassius' mom, too?
CHRISTA
No, their mother's weren't angels.
ANGEL
I think they were hookers or strippers
or something really porno like...
There's a knock on the door. It opens and in comes Carl
Weathers dressed as Chubbs from Happy Gilmore.
CHUBBS
Holly, Jenna, Christa. Time for your
Mambo lesson.
ANGEL
Oh, Chubbs. I totally spaced. I'm so
sorry. I have company. It's my son,
Nicky. My son. Can you believe it?
CHUBBS
Wow, that's terrific.
ANGEL
Nicky, this is Chubbs. He used to be a
golf pro, but up here he's the dopest
dance instructor.
CHUBBS
You mambo?
NICKY
I don't think so.
CHUBBS
Remember, it's all in the hips. It's
all in the hips.
Chubbs dances as he leaves.
NICKY
Where did you meet my father?
ANGEL
It was a long time ago, at some Heaven
and Hell mixer.
CHRISTA
I remember that night, you had like four
daiquiris.
ANGEL
Try four and a half. At first I totally
didn't like him.
JENNA
He was really conceited.
ANGEL
But I don't know, he was funny, he made
me laugh, and I hate to say it but he
had a really nice body.
NICKY
And that made you want to make a baby
with him?
The Angels laugh.
ANGEL
Well, I really wasn't thinking about
making a baby at the time!
Her cell-phone rings. She answers it.
ANGEL (CONT'D)
Hello....yes, he's here with me now... I
don't know if he's hot, he's my son, you
perv! I'll call you back...
(laughs)
Oh my G-d, I will call you back,
goodbye.
(hangs up)
That was my friend, Michelle, she says
"hi."
NICKY
Well tell her I said "hi" back.
Angel makes a motion towards the phone, then stops.
ANGEL
I'll call her later.
CHRISTA
You know, we saw you save your
girlfriend's life.
JENNA
That was so cool.
ANGEL
That's why you came up to Heaven instead
of Hell. Self-sacrifice automatically
gets you here.
NICKY
How did you see me?
ANGEL
We can see what's going on anywhere on
Earth. Look.
Angel and the girls clear the junk from the glass table in
front of them. Angel touches the glass and it turns into a
reflection of Earth below.
EXT. TIME'S SQUARE - NIGHT
People are rioting in the streets. Looting appliance
stores...
ANGEL (O.S.)
All these good people have totally been
led astray.
CHRISTA (O.S.)
Show him Central Park.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK LAWN - NIGHT
People are drinking and smoking and burning things. A large
circle has formed around two old ladies who are fist
fighting. One old lady knocks the other to the ground, then
jumps on her and starts wailing away. The spectators
exchange money.
ANGEL (O.S.)
There's like a three day rave goin' on
down there. No on is going to work
anymore.
Then suddenly we see the ground start to break up and Adrian
on his throne start to be thrust upwards. Demons swarm
around him.
ADRIAN
Welcome to the party. It's so nice to
see all of you here.
NICKY (O.S.)
Hey, that's Dad's throne! How did
Adrian get that? Is Dad okay?
ANGEL (O.S.)
Let's see...
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAD LIPS are morosely talking to the Gatekeeper and Jimmy.
DAD LIPS
I was a good Devil, wasn't I?
JIMMY THE DEMON
You were the best Devil, boss, the best
Devil!
GATEKEEPER
Absolutely.
DAD LIPS
I tried to do some interesting stuff...
JIMMY THE DEMON
You did amazing stuff!
GATEKEEPER
I don't know how you came up with some
of it.
DAD LIPS
Really? That means a lot to me.
JENNA (O.S.)
Oh my G-d. He looks gross.
ANGEL (O.S.)
I can't believe I did it with him.
She touches the pool again and the reflection changes to:
EXT. NEW HELL THRONE - NIGHT
Adrian steps off his throne onto a small stage flanked by SIX
HERO DEMONS. He begins addressing the crowd.
ADRIAN
I'm very proud of you. You've taken to
sin with minimal prompting.
The crowd cheers.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
You're acting as if there is no Heaven
or Hell.
The crowd cheers.
EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - NIGHT
We see John, Peter, Beefy, Valerie and Todd hanging on
flagpoles by their underwear. Beefy is in a special fitted
harness that looks like underwear.
ADRIAN
Well, I have some news.
Adrian morphs into the Cardinal from earlier.
CARDINAL
There is most definitely a Hell! And
you're all going there when you die!
Which will happen in about fifteen
minutes.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT
The BAD PEOPLE realize they've been tricked into being bad
and they get scared.
The Preacher, who is now more battered from his fall through
the plate glass window (ask Steve), yells out.
PREACHER
We really are gonna die!
This kicks off a frenzy of the Scared Bad People trying to
run away. But they are stopped and herded back by DEMONS.
EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS
PETER
This don't look good.
JOHN
Can't Beefy use his penis powers to get
us out of this?
TODD
They castrated him. He can't shoot
arrows, he can't piss smoke.
BEEFY
I can't screw.
(whimpers)
I can't screw.
Valerie's crying.
INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS
Nicky is shocked.
NICKY
Valerie's crying!
ANGEL
She's so nice.
CHRISTA
She goes to Parson's, right?
ANGEL
I would totally love to go there. But I
hear it's really hard to get in.
NICKY
I gotta help her. I gotta help Dad. I
gotta help everybody.
ANGEL
Yeah, you do...
INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS
Adrian is looking at a clock tower that reads 11:45.
ADRIAN (V.O.)
At the stroke of midnight, my father
will be completely deteriorated. And
all of your souls will be mine.
EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS
ADRIAN
Soon you will see things more horrible
than you can even imagine.
Adrian scans the crowd. He sees...
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS
The Parsons STUDENT in the kimono dancing sexily. Adrian is
thrown.
EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS
ADRIAN
Not that horrible, but still pretty bad.
Adrian motions to some of his guards. They nod.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
So while we wait, for your enjoyment, I
bring you a dear sweet man and an
international icon...Henry Winkler!
A frightened HENRY WINKLER is lead onto the stage prodded by
two DEMONS.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS
The scared bad people finally smile.
EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS
ADRIAN
Covered in bees!
We see Henry Winkler is suddenly covered head to in a swarm
of bees.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS
The crowd gasps.
INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS
Nicky is starting to panic.
NICKY
But how can I win? Adrian is stronger
and smarter than me.
ANGEL
Stronger, yes. Smarter, definitely.
But you have something he doesn't have.
NICKY
A speech impediment?
The girls laugh.
ANGEL
No, you have the inner light. You can
totally use it. It's the best power of
all.
(he smiles)
And in case you get in real bad trouble,
G-d told me to give you this.
She gives him an ornate, jewelled ball.
NICKY
What is it?
ANGEL
I'm not a hundred percent on that. G-d
said when the time comes, you'll know
what to do.
CHRISTA
G-d's so smart.
JENNA
The smartest.
ANGEL
Well, goodbye...for now.
(looks at his face)
Can I just do this?
She licks her finger and wipes some dirt off his forehead.
ANGEL (CONT'D)
That was such a Mom thing, wasn't it?
FRIEND
Totally.
NICKY
Well, nice meeting you, Jenna, Christa.
(to Angel)
Would it be okay if I called you Mommy?
ANGEL
It would be so okay.
Nicky hugs his Mom.
NICKY
Well, Mommy, get me to the big apple
cause I'm gonna rock that town like a
hurricane.
ANGEL (O.S.)
You're already there...
EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND SHORE - NIGHT
Nicky dissolves into walking. He checks his pocket to see
the ball. He looks up to see fifteen Demons marching towards
him, ready to attack. Nicky closes his eyes and
concentrates.
NICKY
Release...the good.
When he opens them, BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES are floating around
the head of five of the DEMONS. They stop approaching.
THEIR EYES TURN FROM WHITE BACK TO NORMAL. And their facial
expression changes to happiness. They wave at the
butterflies.
ANGLE ON
MORE DEMONS keep closing.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Release the good...
Five more are stopped by something. They look down and see
fluffy white BUNNY RABBITS at their feet. They start petting
them.
The REMAINING DEMONS advance on Nicky.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Release the awesome.
...then stop, their path blocked by a very large bucket of
POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN. The Demons consider the bucket of
chicken. One Demon takes out a piece.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Put it in your mouth and let it slide
down your throat-hole.
The Demon bites into it. He can't help but grin a little.
DEMON
Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!
The OTHER SOULS dig into the bucket.
EXT. CLOCK TOWER - CONTINUOUS
Only ten minutes left.
EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS
The dudes on the flagpoles are chatting nervously.
TODD
One thing I really regret is never
having experimented sexually.
PETER
You mean, like, experiment with a Bunsen
Burner? What are you talking about?
JOHN
He means getting it on with someone like
that freak.
ANGLE ON:
The student dancing for a mesmerized Demon.
BACK ON PETER, TODD and JOHN
TODD
His name is Andrew. I know that guy.
JOHN
Of course you do, Tommy Tune.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK PATH - NIGHT
Nicky leads his small army of reformed Demons (followed by
butterflies & bunnies and carrying the chicken bucket) down
the path toward the rally. We see they have a golden
light/haze of good around them.
EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS
Adrian is underneath Valerie.
ADRIAN
You know, from this angle, you're kind
of cute.
VALERIE
You think so? Why don't you come a
little closer and I'll show you a better
angle.
He moves a little closer, and she spits on him. He smiles.
Opens his mouth and catches her spit. He swallows.
ADRIAN
Yummy.
Everyone is grossed out.
TODD
Oh my G-d, he just opened his mouth and
swallowed that spit.
BEEFY
That turn you on there, RuPaul?
ADRIAN
Keep it up and I just might make you my
Queen for a night or two.
JOHN
You want a queen? Got one right here.
John points at Todd. They laugh. Adrian gets closer to
Valerie. Just then a big butterfly appears on his shoulder.
He looks down to see:
Nicky standing there with his army.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
Little Nicky.
NICKY
Adrian, I'm asking you nicely, in the
name of all that is good: release my
friends and get in the flask.
ADRIAN
Is this a joke?
NICKY
No. It's the inner light. And with it
we can defeat anything you've got.
REFORMED DEMON
(eating Popeye's chicken)
It's true!
Adrian glares down at the REFORMED DEMON. His eyes shoot out
an evil ray.
The Reformed Demon explodes into a million pieces. His
golden insides splatter on the crowd.
The Army of Good is shaken. Another Demon lowers his
chicken.
ANOTHER REFORMED DEMON
It's not true?
The BUCKET OF CHICKEN sprouts legs and runs away. Nicky
steps forward bravely.
NICKY
Okay, Adrian, you've left me with no
choice.
Nicky leaves frame and he flies up towards Adrian.
EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Nicky lands on both feet standing before Adrian.
NICKY
Love lifts me up where I belong.
ANGLE ON
Crowd reacts.
ON HELL STAGE
Demons are ready to attack. Adrian waves them off.
ADRIAN
Not bad, little brother. Let's see what
you've got.
Nicky thinks, holds out his hands. A rainbow shoots out onto
the stage between them. PAUSE. We see that a cute little
chipmunk is standing on it's hindlegs eating a nut.
ON CROWD
The army of good and scared bad people applaud as they see
this.
BACK ON HELL STAGE
Adrian nods, holds out his arms and a red stream shoots out.
He has made a terrible PYTHON that comes over and eats the
baffled chipmunk in one bite.
Nicky raises his hand and: turns the snake into a row of
flowers.
Adrian raises his hand and a crazed MEXICAN GARDNER with a
lawn mower comes by and mows them down.
Nicky turns the Gardner and his lawn mower into a MOTHER
pushing a NEW BORN BABY in a carriage.
Adrian turns the baby in the carriage into an EVIL DWARF who
leaps out and starts beating up on the mother.
Nicky turns the Mother into a HOT GIRL DWARF. The evil Dwarf
stops beating her up and holds her hand.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
Enough. I'm going to kill you with my
bare hands.
Adrian punches Nicky hard in the jaw. He goes flying off the
platform.
Nicky's body falls towards the ground. It's about to hit,
when a soft bed of posts and fluffy pillows break his fall.
INT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS
We now see Angel, Jenna, Christa and SEVEN OTHER GIRLS
watching the action on the table.
ANGEL
I totally had to do that.
ALL THE GIRLS
Yah you did.
CHUBBS is there, too.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT
Nicky looks up to see Adrian flying down towards him. Nicky
rolls away at the last second. Adrian hits the bed hard and
bounces up. Nicky grabs him mid-bounce and slams him back
down into the golden/brass headboard of the bed. Nicky holds
out the flask.
NICKY
Now I'm asking you nicely, get in the
flas...
Adrian grabs a pillow and hits Nicky hard in the face,
sending him flying off the bed.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Oh, you wanna a pillow fight, do you?!
Nicky is an expert pillow fighter. He lands a series of
awesome, almost Matrix-like pillow moves. Adrian is dazed.
Nicky finishes him off by tossing the pillow high in the air
to him. Adrian looks up to catch it and just before it
lands, Nicky steps up and pops him in the face. Adrian goes
down hard. Nicky towers over him.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Now will you get in the flask?
ADRIAN
Absolutely not.
Adrian turns to his demons.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
A little help over here.
A bunch of Demons advance.
ON FLAGPOLE
We see Henry Winkler, swollen with bee stings, valiantly run
over and lowers the five from the flagpoles.
ON ADRIAN
He looks up and glares at Henry.
ADRIAN (CONT'D)
Henry!
ON FLAGPOLE
Henry's eyes widen.
HENRY WINKLER
Oh no.
He is covered in bees again.
BACK ON ADRIAN
He turns his attention back to Nicky who is grabbed by
demons. Adrian brings the flask to his lips, but he won't
open his mouth.
Adrian pinches Nicky's nose closed so he has to open his
mouth.
ADRIAN
Goodbye, Nicky.
We hear CASSIUS banging against the walls.
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Come on in, bro.
Nicky can't hold his breath and opens his mouth. Adrian jams
the flask in his mouth and Nicky starts to get sucked in.
Adrian smiles. But just before Nicky is gone, he manages to
grab Adrian's coat tail and yank him into the flask with him.
As the flask hits the ground, we HEAR:
CASSIUS (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Thank you, Nicky. Cause now I'm gonna
bust Adrian's head wide open.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
I was going to let you out, eventually,
Cassius. I swear.
NICKY (O.S.)
Sole ruler of Hell and Earth is what I
heard him keep saying.
We HEAR the sounds of a struggle.
All the Demons and all the people of NEW YORK form a large
circle around the flask. Valerie and the gang make it down
off the stage.
We HEAR crazy sounds as the FLASK starts to jump. The crowd
REACTS. A big dent pops out from the inside, followed by a
horrible thud.
VALERIE
Nicky!
NICKY (O.S.)
That was Cassius!
The FLASK starts rolling over and over on the road. People
get out of the way as if it were real people fighting in the
street. They root for their side.
DEMON
Kill him, Adrian.
John and Peter start beating up the Demon.
INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS
The Angel and the Friend are praying.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS
We HEAR banging and beating and yelling from inside and then
the flask stops bouncing. SILENCE. Everybody outside holds
their breath. Slowly out of the spout crawls NICKY.
HOORAY. Valerie, John, Todd and Beefy and all the living
people CHEER. The student, very happy, opens his kimono.
The people and demons near him are grossed out.
Valerie goes tot he very beaten up Nicky and hugs him.
VALERIE
Where'd a sweet Southern boy learn to
fight like that?
NICKY
From my dad's side of the family.
She laughs and kisses him on the mouth. The crowd CHEERS.
But Nicky won't stop kissing her. She starts to struggle for
air. Nicky presses harder and starts to laugh.
The crowd stops CHEERING. Valerie is waving her arms for
help. Nicky turns into Adrian during the kiss. Adrian lets
her go. And we hear ADRIAN'S familiar laugh.
ADRIAN
What? No tongue?
Adrian pulls his head back, his tongue is huge and he turns
into a GIANT BAT. He lets out a huge roar, then flies
around, laughing, scaring people.
Valerie runs over and picks up the flask. She looks inside.
VALERIE
(whispering)
Nicky. Nicky.
No response.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
You gotta fly out...I know you can do
it.
(still no response)
Do it for the butterflies.
A long beat, then:
NICKY (O.S.)
Butterflies...
And Nicky shoots right out of the top of the flask and lands
on his feet. Adrian lands and stares down Nicky. The clock
is one minute from midnight.
Adrian swoops down. Nicky thinks quick and pulls out the
BALL his Mom gave him and smashes it on the ground. Out of
it forms metal G-d: OZZY OSBORNE.
OZZY
Hello, New York.
JOHN AND PETER
Ozzy.
They faint.
The Bat's eyes go wide in fear. Ozzy grabs the bat, his
mouth grows big, and he bites the bat's head off. Valerie
hands Ozzy the flask.
VALERIE
Put him in, Ozzy.
Ozzy spits the bat head into the flask.
EXT. CLOCK TOWER
The clock reads: 00:23 seconds left.
INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dad is just a very thin pair of lips and one finger. The
FINGER is going up and down on the lips, making silly sounds.
The Gatekeeper, the Monster, Jimmy the Demon and Lucifer are
on their backs crying like babies.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT
VALERIE
Grand Central, Nicky. Start running.
JOHN
He'll never make it.
PETER
You gotta kill yourself.
NICKY
I'll just go to Heaven.
BEEFY
No if you do something bad right before
you die.
PAUSE. Everyone looks around. Nicky spots Henry Winkler.
HENRY WINKLER
Aw, man, not again.
NICKY
Sorry, Henry.
(focuses)
Release the Evil.
Henry is covered in bees once again.
ON NICKY AND VALERIE
Nicky picks up a big rock and hands it to Valerie.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Do me.
VALERIE
I love you.
NICKY
I love you.
Valerie smashes the rock on Nicky's head, killing him.
ON CLOCK TOWER
Six seconds left.
INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The lips and finger are slowing down.
INT. GATES OF HELL - DAY
Nicky triumphantly passes through the wall of fire and it
starts burning again behind him. And now all the BACKED UP
SOULS fall out on top of Nicky.
The Gatekeeper APPLAUDS.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT
The STAGE, the DEMONS and everything that raised from Hell
now descends quickly into the ground.
INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT
Dad's lips form a body around it. Dad FILLS IN.
EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT
The good people of New York cheer. We see John, Peter, Todd,
Valerie, Beefy and the Student, who of course is dancing
seductively.
EXT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS
Angel is so proud.
ANGEL
Okay, you just saw my son save the
universe. Right?!
Everyone cheers.
INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
Dad and Nicky are hugging.
DAD
You came through, Nicky.
NICKY
I came through for you, Mom and the
butterflies, Dad.
DAD
You're back in Hell now, kid. There's
no butterflies here. If you want
butterflies, you need to be on Earth.
NICKY
What about you and Grandpa and everyone
in Hell?
DAD
Nicky, I let my butterflies die once
upon a time and it's never stopped
hurting.
(Dad looks up)
That's right, you heard me, Holly. I'm
still in love with you.
INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS
Angel is shocked.
ANGEL
Oh my G-d. He's totally talking about
me.
INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAD
And don't think I forgot about how crazy
you get after a few daiquiris.
INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS
FRIEND
That guy is still a horn dog.
INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dad turns to Nicky.
DAD
Listen, I got down low. Your mom's got
up high. You take care of the middle.
NICKY
I will, Dad. But in the words of Motley
Crue, this will always be my...home
sweet home...
He pats him on the back.
JIMMY THE DEMON
Sorry to interrupt guys, but it's time
for Hitler's punishment.
LUCIFER
Let me handle that.
Lucifer walks over to the closet.
LUCIFER (CONT'D)
And I'm not using a pineapple this time.
He pulls out the flask.
ADRIAN (O.S.)
No!
CASSIUS (O.S.)
Don't do it!
He shoves the flask up Hitler's ass. Hitler's face tightens.
HITLER
Holy Schnit!
FREEZE FRAME, then:
DISSOLVE TO:
ONE YEAR LATER
Over the skyline of Manhattan.
EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK WEST
PAN UP from a moving baby stroller to reveal Nicky and
Valerie both pushing it. We see Beefy walking with them.
Unbelievably happy.
A nice OLD LADY bends down to the stroller.
LADY
Oh...what an uncommonly beautiful baby.
VALERIE
Thank yo.
LADY
Such a little angel.
BEEFY
Only a quarter, ma'am.
She tickles the baby. It giggles and a small stream of fire
shoots out of his mouth and singes the Old Lady's eyebrows.
NICKY
Zachariah, say you're sorry.
BABY ZACHARIAH
(sounds like Nicky)
Sorry.
The Lady scurries away. Nicky and Valerie laugh and continue
walking in absolute bliss. They pass the Preacher who runs
towards us.
PREACHER
He has spilled his seed! He is
multiplying! Beware the progeny of the
unholy union! We're all gonna die!
The Preacher runs straight into the camera. BLACK.
THE END.
