THE INVENTION OF LYING
Written by
Ricky Gervais & Matthew Robinson
June 8, 2007
EXT. CAVEMAN VILLAGE - THE PALEOLITHIC ERA - DAY
A small caveman community made up of five large caves, all
facing out towards a crackling fire.
Slack-jawed, yet strong and confident CAVEMEN stumble about,
dragging haunches of meat, pounding the dirt with sticks,
dragging the women.
WE PAN OVER to a small cave. Not even really a cave at all,
but a crack in the rocks barely large enough to sleep in.
Stepping out of this "cave" is a small, weak, nerdy-looking
caveman.
The chief caveman, set apart by the large mallet he wields,
steps towards the fire and grunts loudly to mark the
beginning of a caveman meeting.
"Loser caveman" steps forward apprehensively, only to be met
with laughter from the other cavemen. "Loser caveman" sighs
and shrinks back into his sad, little cave, watching them
from the shadows.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
(grunting; subtitled)
Me see beast today. Beast scary.
Beast danger for caveman.
The rest of the cavemen look nervous.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
If caveman kill beast? Caveman
safe. Caveman have food.
The cavemen grunt in understanding.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Who kill beast?
The cavemen grunt amongst themselves. The toughest of the
bunch steps forward, pounds his chest and grunts.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Grob kill beast. Good Grob.
The chief notices "loser caveman" watching from a distance.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Loser want kill beast?
All the cavemen turn and laugh at the "loser caveman".
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Loser kill nothing!
2.
All the cavemen laugh hysterically.
CAVEMAN #1
Look at Loser cave! So small!
CAVEMAN #2
Loser dumb!
CAVEMAN #3
Fuck that guy!
All the cavemen pick up rocks and begin throwing them at the
"loser caveman", who dives out of his cave and runs around
the camp, dodging their blows.
EXT. CAVEMAN VILLAGE - THE PALEOLITHIC ERA - NIGHT
Everyone in the village is asleep. Everyone, that is, but
"loser caveman" who sleeps uncomfortably in his tiny little
cave, tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable.
A stirring in the trees causes "loser caveman" to sit
upright. There's something outside of the village. Something
big.
Suddenly a GIANT TUSKED BOAR pushes through the trees and
stands, looking quite menacing, not ten yards from the
village fire.
"Loser caveman" is practically shaking with fear. The boar
makes eye-contact with "loser caveman" and charges directly
towards his tiny little cave.
The giant boar runs head first into the cave opening, but the
opening is too small for the beast to fit its head inside.
"Loser caveman" screams like a girl.
The boar backs up to strike again -- this one sure to be the
end of "loser caveman" -- when a large boulder, knocked loose
by the Boar's first hit, tumbles down and lands smack on the
Boar's head, killing it instantly.
The entire village runs out to see what has happened. The
"Loser caveman" stumbles out of the cave and dusts himself
off.
The chief steps forward.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
The beast! It dead!
3.
CAVEMAN #2
Hey, look at loser! He almost die!
Look he scared!
Everyone laughs. The Chief looks towards Loser, standing
nervously near the corpse of the Giant Tusked Boar.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Loser, what happen?
LOSER CAVEMAN
(SHAMEFULLY)
The Beast, it came at me. It smash
my cave.
Everyone laughs hysterically. WE PAN over the many laughing
faces, pointing and hooting at loser caveman's cowardice. We
watch as the "loser caveman's" face turns bright red, the
veins in his neck pop out and his fists clench up tightly.
SUDDENLY WE FLY into the caveman's skull, traveling through
his cerebral cortex and towards the frontal lobe of his
small, homo erectus brain. Sparks are flying back and forth
across his brain as his synapses fire in rapid succession.
There is a SMALL EXPLOSION.
We fly back out of "loser caveman's" skull -- his face
contorted in rage.
He interrupts everyone's laughter.
LOSER CAVEMAN
Hold on one minute!
Everyone stops laughing.
LOSER CAVEMAN
Loser wasn't finished.
Loser caveman stands up straight and tall -- all of a sudden
the Bruce Willis of cavemen.
LOSER CAVEMAN
After beast smash cave, Loser look
at beast and say, "not on Loser's
watch." Loser grab rock on ground,
lift above head and smash it
down... right onto motherfucker's
head.
The entire village gasps.
4.
LOSER CAVEMAN
Loser kill beast.
(PAUSE)
Now fuck off, Loser going back to
sleep.
The chief steps forward ominously, then proclaims:
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Loser kill beast! Loser caveman
hero!
Loser steps forward, grabs the prettiest of all cavewomen and
drags her towards his cave as the entire village erupts in
cheer.
FREEZE FRAME:
NARRATOR
The world's first lie. A monumental
occasion in the history of mankind.
(PAUSE)
That lowly caveman who stumbled
upon the ability to lie went on to
become chief of his village,
married dozens of cavewomen, and
passed on the lying gene to
hundreds of newborn cave-children.
(PAUSE)
Over time lying spread throughout
the world, sparking the eventual
birth of imagination itself, story-
telling, religion, and the oh-so-
important polite lie, as in, "Oh
Patty, have you lost weight? You
look fantastic."
(PAUSE)
The world would be a very different
place if events had gone otherwise
on that prolific, Paleolithic eve.
If not for that night, man would
have never acquired the ability to
lie to himself and to others.
(PAUSE)
A world without lying would be a
world without dreams. A world
without pretense. A world without
fiction. A world without flattery.
A world very unlike our own.
UNFREEZE:
The film rewinds about thirty seconds, to the point where the
chief asked what happened with "loser caveman" and the boar.
5.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Loser, what happen?
LOSER CAVEMAN
(SHAMEFULLY)
The Beast, it came at me. It smash
my cave.
AGAIN WE FLY into the caveman's skull, traveling through his
homo erectus brain. Sparks are flying back and forth across
his brain as his synapses fire in rapid succession...
But this time there's no explosion.
We fly back out of "loser caveman's" skull -- his face
contorted in rage.
The rage slowly fades and Loser just stands there, everyone
in the camp waiting for him to say something.
LOSER CAVEMAN
Rock fall on beast. Loser do
nothing. I think Loser even soil
bear pants.
(pause; sniffing)
Loser smell bad.
Everyone falls onto the ground laughing hysterically.
CHIEF CAVEMAN
Loser biggest loser ever! Caveman,
throw rocks at loser!
Everyone in the camp joins in on another round of throwing
rocks at "loser caveman" as he runs around the camp,
terrified and miserable.
FADE TO BLACK.
INSERT: "PRESENT DAY. LOS ANGELES, CA."
FADE UP:
EXT. JENNIFER'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
A completely indistinguishable Los Angeles mid-rent apartment
complex.
MARK BELLISON pulls up in his early nineties Volvo, parks and
enters.
6.
INT. JENNIFER'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - SAME
Mark (40's), average to semi-handsome, twists and turns
through stucco hallways. He knocks on apartment "9C".
JENNIFER MCDOOGLES opens, her face flushed. She's beautiful.
JENNIFER
Hi. You're early. I was just
masturbating.
MARK
That makes me think of your vagina.
I'm Mark, how are you?
JENNIFER
A little frustrated at the moment.
Also equally depressed and
pessimistic about our date tonight.
I'm Jennifer.
MARK
I hope this date ends in sex.
JENNIFER
Not me. I don't find you
attractive. Come on in.
Mark enters.
ROLL CREDITS
Jennifer's apartment is new-adult, as if she just found out
she was an adult yet hasn't had the time or the money to
complete the transition.
JENNIFER
I need to finish getting ready.
While doing that I might realize
I'm still horny and try to finish
masturbating without you hearing.
Jennifer heads towards the bathroom. Mark stands alone in her
living room, looking around.
MARK
(shouting to her)
I feel awkward and I regret being
early.
7.
JENNIFER (O.S.)
(shouting back)
Yeah, I'm disappointed you're early
and not really looking forward to
tonight in general, but the thought
of being alone the rest of my life
scares both my mother and I
equally.
It's completely silent for a long beat. Mark looks around,
then sits on her couch.
MARK
(shouting to her)
I have an erection now because I
assume you began masturbating once
we stopped talking.
More silence.
MARK
(shouting to her)
I'm embarrassed because I think the
restaurant I've made reservations
at might not be expensive enough or
hip enough to impress you, but it
was the best I could do because I
don't make very much money. You
see, I'm forty years old and have
no real financial assets to speak
of, I've never owned a home, and
never had a significant
relationship. My boss even told me
today that I'm most likely going to
get fired tomorrow and...
Jennifer enters the room and Mark stops talking.
JENNIFER
I just masturbated.
MARK
That makes me very horny.
JENNIFER
Shall we go?
MARK
Sure.
Mark stands up. Jennifer picks up her purse and opens the
door.
8.
JENNIFER
After you.
END CREDITS
INT. MARK'S VOLVO - NIGHT
Mark and Jennifer drive in silence for a beat.
JENNIFER
I'm only doing this as a favor for
my cousin Greg. He keeps begging me
to go out on a date with you. He
says you're funny.
MARK
Greg's a good friend.
JENNIFER
Where are we eating tonight?
MARK
A cute little place called La
Bonisera in West Hollywood.
JENNIFER
You obviously don't have very much
money but that's not necessarily a
deal breaker.
MARK
I have very little money.
JENNIFER
I also don't really care about a
guy who knows all the latest,
hippest restaurants.
MARK
I don't know any of them.
JENNIFER
In fact, there are very few things
in life that I care about all that
much. The only things I have to
offer myself or anyone else are my
good looks and my affected sense of
quirkiness which artistically
inclined men interpret as
intellect.
(MORE)
9.
JENNIFER (cont'd)
In fact, I think my best trait is
the fact that I've made very few
mistakes: socially, academically,
financially or romantically. I take
very few risks and therefore lead a
relatively happy and light-hearted
existence. Mostly though, I'm a
kind, sweet person with the
potential of genuinely becoming a
vital and interesting human being
the day I take the energy I expend
on hyper self-reflexivity and apply
it to actual action in the reality
of my life.
MARK
I found that boring and started
thinking about this place's fish
tacos.
INT. LA BONISERA - NIGHT
The Volvo pulls up in front of the restaurant and the valet
parking guy opens Jennifer's door.
VALET PARKING GUY
I'm extremely bored.
JENNIFER
Hello.
The valet parking guy hands Mark a ticket.
INT. LA BONISERA - NIGHT
They enter the quaint Mexican restaurant.
JENNIFER
This isn't as nice as I remember
it.
MARK
What are we going to talk about?
They approach the hostess.
HOSTESS
(to Jennifer)
I'm threatened by you.
MARK
Two, please.
10.
HOSTESS
Of course, come with me.
The hostess seats them in the midst of the semi-crowded
restaurant.
A young, awkward waiter approaches.
WAITER
I'm very embarrassed that I work
here. Hi.
MARK
Hello.
JENNIFER
Hello.
WAITER
(to Jennifer)
And you're pretty and that only
makes me feel worse. Can I get you
two started on some drinks?
MARK
I'll have a Budweiser.
JENNIFER
I'll start with your Mango
Margarita and probably have three
more drinks by the end of the
night.
WAITER
Excellent.
(to Mark)
She's out of your league.
MARK
Yup.
The waiter leaves. Jennifer and Mark peruse their menus. A
woman screams out from a table on the other side of the room:
WOMAN
(SCREAMING)
All of a sudden I got EXTREMELY
angry!
No one in the restaurant reacts.
11.
MARK
I'm going to ask you some questions
about your life because that's what
you do, but I'll only really listen
to about half of what you're
saying.
Jennifer nods.
MARK
How do you spend your days?
JENNIFER
I get up at eight in the morning
because the noise from my alarm
clock interrupts my sleep, so I
lean over and...
MARK
That's a little more specific than
I expected.
JENNIFER
Well what did you want to know?
MARK
Do you have a job?
JENNIFER
Yes.
MARK
What job do you have?
JENNIFER
I have a job at an office.
MARK
What do you do?
JENNIFER
Just typing and filing and stuff.
MARK
Do you enjoy it?
JENNIFER
No. But I enjoy the end result of
the job which is money. And the
hours are pretty good for the
amount of money I make, which I
spend on things I like, such as
clothes, hiking, drinking -- even
though I know it's bad for me.
(MORE)
12.
JENNIFER (cont'd)
(PAUSE)
But I'd rather just get all the
money and not work for the results.
MARK
Sure. Tell me more. I'm trying to
get a little insight into you.
JENNIFER
Well you already know a lot about
me. You know I'm good looking
because... well... here I am. You
know I'm successful because you've
seen my apartment and the clothes
I'm wearing. And you know I'm happy
because I'm smiling.
Jennifer smiles brightly.
MARK
Are you always happy?
JENNIFER
Usually. Some days I stay in bed
eating and crying.
MARK
Sure.
The waiter returns with their drinks.
WAITER
(hands beer to Mark)
Here you go.
(hands drink to Jennifer)
I had a sip of this.
JENNIFER
Okay.
WAITER
Do you guys know what you want or
do you need a moment?
MARK
I'm ready.
JENNIFER
I'll have a caesar salad with
chicken because I think I'm fat but
I also think I deserve something
that tastes good.
13.
MARK
I'll have the fish taco's because I
had them once here and it's all I
know.
WAITER
Excellent, I'll get those both
started for you.
The waiter leaves. Jennifer's cell phone rings from inside
her purse.
JENNIFER
Sorry, one second.
She pulls out her cell phone and checks it.
JENNIFER
It's my mother, this won't take
long. Probably checking in on our
date.
Jennifer answers the phone. She talks openly and in plain
view of Mark.
JENNIFER (ON PHONE)
Hello? Yes, I'm with him right now.
No, not very attractive. No,
doesn't make much money. He's all
right though. Seems nice. Kind of
funny. A bit fat. Funny little snub
nose. No, I won't be sleeping with
him tonight. Nope, probably not
even a kiss. Okay, you too. Bye.
Jennifer hangs up.
JENNIFER
Sorry about that.
MARK
Don't think twice. How is your mom?
JENNIFER
She's all right.
MARK
Fantastic.
TIME CUT: LATER THAT NIGHT
Both of their plates are now empty. Three empty Margarita
glasses sit in front of Jennifer.
14.
The waiter approaches with the bill and places it down in the
middle of the table.
WAITER
(to Jennifer)
If I give you my number will you
call me?
JENNIFER
No.
EXT. JENNIFER'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
Mark walks Jennifer to the front door of her apartment
complex.
MARK
Thanks for going on this date with
me. You're way, way out of my
league and I know you were just
doing it as a favor to Greg, and
that most likely I'll never hear
from you again.
JENNIFER
I actually had a better time than I
thought I'd have, but I won't know
for sure how I feel about you until
I'm less drunk.
MARK
Give me a call if you still like me
once you're sober.
JENNIFER
I might.
Mark leans in for a kiss. Jennifer kisses him on the cheek
and goes inside.
MARK
Thanks for kissing me on the cheek,
I know you didn't have to do that
and....
Jennifer waves and heads inside.
MARK
(shouting after her)
... you're very pretty. Thank you!
15.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mark plops into bed in his boxers. His bedroom is bland,
uninspired and completely furnished by the cheapest stuff
found in an IKEA catalogue.
Mark flips on the TV and gets under the covers. A commercial
comes on TV.
INSERT: COMMERCIAL
A man in a suit stands next to a single can of coke resting
on a small table.
JIM
Hi, I'm Jim and I'm the
spokesperson for the Coca-Cola
company. I'm here today to ask you
to continue buying coke. I'm sure
it's a drink you've been drinking
for years, and if you still enjoy
it, I'd like to remind you to buy
it again sometime soon. It's
basically just brown sugar water,
we haven't changed the ingredients
much lately, so there's nothing new
about it I can say. We changed the
can around a little bit. See, the
colors here are a little different,
and we even put a polar bear on it
for the kids. Also, coke is very
high in sugar, can lead to obesity
in children and adults who don't
sustain a healthy diet, and has a
Ph acidity level high enough to
dissolve teeth and bones over
extended periods of time. Coke also
works great at removing corrosion
from car batteries and loosening
rusted bolts. So that's it, it's
coke. Everyone knows it. It's very
famous. I'm Jim, I work for coke,
and I'm asking you to not stop
buying coke. That's all. Thanks.
INSERT: Coke logo with tagline: "It's Coke. It's very
famous."
Mark falls asleep with the TV on.
FADE TO:
16.
THE NEXT MORNING
Mark's alarm clock blares. Groggily he rises and sighs
deeply. He has nothing to look forward to today. Or any day.
INT. ELEVATOR - MARK'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Mark stands in his building's elevator. The doors open and
FRANK, mid-forties and bald, enters.
FRANK
Hi Mark. How's it going?
MARK
Not so good. Last night I went on a
date with a girl I've had a crush
on for years who will most likely
never call me again and I'm pretty
sure I'm going to get fired today.
You?
FRANK
I spent the whole night throwing up
pain killers because I'm too afraid
to take enough to kill myself.
The elevator doors open on the lobby. Mark nods at Frank.
MARK
See you tomorrow.
FRANK
Bye.
INT. MARK'S CAR -- MORNING
As Mark drives to work we take in a bit of his world.
A homeless man stands on a street corner with a sign that
reads: "I don't understand why I'm homeless and all of you
are not."
A business man talking loudly into his cell phone pulls up
next to mark at a red light.
BUSINESS MAN
I'm not talking to anyone on my
cell phone. I only want people to
assume I'm very busy.
At another red light Mark eavesdrops on a couple having a
loud argument in front of a coffee shop.
17.
GIRLFRIEND
I woke up this morning and realized
that, not only do I not love you,
but that the thought of touching
you sickens me.
BOYFRIEND
The more you hate me the more I
fall in love with you.
A Bus passes in front of Mark's car.
ANGLE ON: The bus ad simply shows a can of Pepsi, and reads:
"Pepsi. When they don't have Coke."
A car honks behind Mark. The man leans out of his car and
yells at Mark.
HONKING MAN
Move it, fatty!
Mark drives forward, waving to the man apologetically as the
man zooms past him.
EXT. LECTURE FILMS - CAR LOT - DAY
Mark parks his car and walks towards a large office building.
The sign on the building reads: "LECTURE FILMS MOTION PICTURE
STUDIOS -- We Film Someone Telling You About Things That
Happened."
In front of the building is a man in a suit standing on his
briefcase with his tie around his head, screaming.
SCREAMING MAN
This isn't natural! None of this is
natural! We're all animals! This
doesn't feel right! Why am I
wearing clothes? How can you people
live like this? Where did all this
concrete come from?!
Mark walks right by him. A woman in a business suit stops him
on his way through the front door.
WOMAN IN BUSINESS SUIT
I don't want to go in there today.
I just don't. You know?
Mark nods understandingly and enters the building.
18.
INT. LECTURE FILMS - LOBBY - MORNING
As Mark walks through the lobby we get a brief glimpse of
some of the movie posters lining the wall: "The Holocaust",
"The Death of the Dinosaurs", "Napoleon", "The Civil War".
Each poster shows a different austere man sitting in a chair,
holding a script in his lap, with a title above his head. The
posters are extremely boring.
A tour guide leads a row of tourists through the lobby. As
Mark enters we overhear the tour guide's speech.
TOUR GUIDE
All of Lecture Films' productions
are written, filmed and edited
right here on this very lot. In
fact, this building is where
Lecture Films' talented writers
scour through the world's past
events, searching for the most
entertaining, dramatic and even
hilarious moments of world history,
which are then turned into scripts,
handed over to our world-famous
Readers, and filmed for your
viewing pleasure.
The whole tour "oohs". The tour guide walks over towards a
large flat-screen television embedded into the wall.
TOUR GUIDE
If you'll just follow me over to
this monitor you'll get a sneak
peak at Lecture Film's upcoming
summer's blockbuster: "Napoleon
1812 to 1813."
Everyone "oohs" again. Mark, curious as well, stops to watch
the trailer with the tour.
ANGLE ON: TV SCREEN. A black screen.
NARRATOR
Coming this summer from Lecture
Films Motion Picture Studios.
Written by Oscar winning
screenwriter Rob Marlowe.
INTERCUT Mark scowling at this name.
19.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
And starring Oscar winning Reader
Nathan Goldfrappe, comes the epic
sequel to last year's most talked
about film: "Napoleon 1810 to
1811". Prepare for the adventure.
The black fades to NATHAN GOLDFRAPPE, a middle-aged austere
man sitting before a fire in a velvet smoking jacket, holding
a script.
NATHAN GOLDFRAPPE
(READING)
And so Napoleon invaded Russia with
a brute force of nearly seven
hundred thousand men behind him
armed with muskets and supported by
canon brigades.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
Learn of his defeat.
NATHAN GOLDFRAPPE
(READING)
Through the devastating snow they
marched, crippled by disease and
hunger, Napoleon's men marched on.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
Listen to his redemption.
INTERCUT the tour, enraptured by this trailer. A few of the
tourists whisper to each other.
TOURIST #1
I love these films. Saves me
reading the book.
INTERCUT the trailer title slamming onto the screen:
NARRATOR
Napoleon 1812 to 1813. Coming this
summer from Lecture Films.
The trailer ends and the tour applauds. The tour guide turns
to find Mark walking away.
TOUR GUIDE
Look everyone, there goes Mark
Bellison, one of Lecture Films very
own screenwriters!
The whole tour turns towards Mark. Mark turns around and
dejectedly waves.
20.
TOUR GUIDE
He's one of our least successful
writers here at Lecture Films.
(PAUSE)
I also hear he's most likely
getting fired today.
The tour nods at Mark. Mark nods back.
TOUR GUIDE
Now let's head to editing bay where
we can watch....
INT. LECTURE FILMS - WRITER'S OFFICES - MORNING
Mark walks past cubicle after cubicle until he comes to his
office and SHELLEY, his attractive late-20's receptionist.
MARK
Hi Shelley. I'm still attracted to
you today.
SHELLEY
Hi Mark. Everyday I realize more
and more how over-qualified I am
for this position and how
incompetent you are at yours.
MARK
Any messages?
SHELLEY
Anthony's coming by within the hour
to see if he can work up the
courage to fire you. If he can't,
he said he'll definitely do it
tomorrow.
MARK
Nobody else called? No calls to do
with actual work?
SHELLEY
Well, I told everybody you were
getting fired this week and not to
expect their calls returned, so no
one left any messages.
MARK
Next time I'd rather you took down
the messages just in case I don't
get fired.
21.
SHELLEY
You're almost definitely getting
fired.
MARK
Well, it hasn't happened yet.
SHELLEY
Okay, but everybody knows you are.
MARK
Okay, I'll be in my office.
SHELLEY
Okay, I'll be searching for new
jobs on Craigslist.
INT. LECTURE FILMS - MARK'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mark's office is completely boring and unremarkable, much
like his apartment.
There's a knock on his door.
ANTHONY enters, looking very much the boss in his expensive
suit, yet nervous and fearful as well.
ANTHONY
Wow, you look really depressed
today. That's going to make this so
much harder.
MARK
Anthony, don't fire me.
Anthony sits down on the other side of Mark's desk and leans
forward.
ANTHONY
Mark, the 1300's are boring.
Nothing interesting happened in
that century. Nobody cares about
the post-Roman, pre-enlightenment
era. The last few scripts you
turned in were depressing.
MARK
They were about the black plague!
It's the 1300's Anthony, what else
am I going to write about!
22.
ANTHONY
It's not totally your fault, Mark.
You got stuck with a bad century.
MARK
No! I can make it work!
ANTHONY
Give it up Mark, it's not like
something new is going to have
happened in the 1300's. At Lecture
Films we're no longer interested in
searching through the less well-
known historical periods for great
events, we just want to take the
big name Reader's of the day and
have them read the historical
events that people know and love:
the holocaust, D-day, the birth of
electricity. These are the stories
people want to see, because they
know them. They find comfort in
them.
Anthony pauses.
ANTHONY
Do you think I could come back and
do this tomorrow? I just got very
nervous about firing you. I don't
do well with confrontation.
MARK
Is there anyway you could do it
now? I'd rather not put it off.
Anthony thinks for a moment, struggling to find the courage.
ANTHONY
(MEEKLY)
You're fired?
MARK
Damn.
Anthony slinks out of the room. Mark looks down at his
computer to see he has an email in his inbox.
ANGLE ON: MARK'S COMPUTER -- The email reads: "I woke up this
morning, sober, and realized that, while I did enjoy your
company, based on your looks, your financial situation and
your position in life, I have no interest in you
romantically. I'm just too far out of your league. --
JENNIFER"
23.
Mark sits back in his chair and sighs deeply.
MARK
She's a really good writer, too.
INT. LECTURE FILMS - WRITER'S OFFICES - MORNING
With all of his meager belongings stuffed into a box, Mark
leaves his office, stopping in front of Shelley's desk.
SHELLEY
I loathed almost every minute I
worked for you.
MARK
I often fantasized about you naked.
SHELLEY
What are you going to do now?
MARK
I have no idea. But I have very
little hope for the future.
SHELLEY
I don't have much hope for you
either, but I wish you good luck.
MARK
Bye, Shelley.
SHELLEY
Bye, Mark.
Mark heads towards the elevator and is stopped by ROB
MARLOWE, a little weasel man with a hip haircut and expensive
clothes.
ROB
So they fucking fired you, huh
dipshit? I always knew the Black
Plague would never work as a movie.
Guess the 1300's were as much of a
loser as you are.
MARK
Please don't make me feel worse. Or
actually whatever, go ahead, I
don't think I could possibly feel
worse.
24.
ROB
I fucking always hated you. You're
a shitty writer assigned to a
shitty century and you're a little
man bitch. But I was always
threatened by you because I knew
there was something different about
you that I didn't understand and I
fucking hate things I don't
understand. But you will always be
a loser and I will always be more
successful than you in nearly every
way. That's just the way it is. And
Shelley calls you an ass fag behind
your back.
MARK
Well, now I feel worse.
Rob storms off. Mark slinks into the elevator and hangs his
head in shame as the doors close.
EXT. ELDERLY HOME - DAY
ANGLE ON SIGN: "A SAD PLACE FOR HOPELESS OLD PEOPLE"
Mark enters the building.
INT. ELDERLY HOME - DAY
Mark walks up to the front desk to find a young receptionist.
RECEPTIONIST
Are you looking to abandon an
elderly person?
MARK
I already have. Martha Bellison.
I'm her grandson.
RECEPTIONIST
Ooh, it's good you're here. She's
not doing well. You should say your
final goodbyes today.
MARK
You say that every time I'm here.
RECEPTIONIST
She's at the top of our death pool.
25.
Mark walks down the hall, passing different elderly people
who reach out to him.
ELDERLY PERSON #1
You look like my dead son.
ELDERLY PERSON #3
Life gets worse with each passing
minute.
ELDERLY PERSON #4
I'm on pills that make everything
orange.
Mark opens a door and enters.
INT. MARTHA SCHIFFMAN'S ROOM - DAY
An elderly woman in a light blue robe sits on the side of her
bed, with her back to Mark, staring at the wall only inches
from her face.
MARK
Oh Grandma, that is so depressing.
Come on, at least stare at the
ceiling or something.
Mark takes his grandmother by the hand and steers her to the
other side of her bed.
MARTHA
The television is broken.
MARK
The television isn't broken. You
probably sat on the remote and
changed it to channel two again.
Mark flicks on the TV with the remote. Static fills the
screen. He changes the channel and a picture comes into view.
MARK
See, you had it on the wrong
channel. It needs to be on channel
three in order for the satellite to
work.
MARTHA
I don't understand anything you
just said and that makes me scared
and angry.
26.
MARK
I can't understand what it feels
like to be you so it just irritates
me and makes me think you're
stupid. But I also love you and
wish things were better for you.
MARTHA
I do too.
MARK
Grandma, I lost my job today. I'm
forty years old. I'm completely
alone and I've got absolutely no
prospects for anything.
MARTHA
I'm sorry, Mark. Things aren't any
better for me here. I can't afford
most of my medication, I'm very
alone and I forget more and more
every day.
MARK
I'm just so tired of life. Why does
life have to be so... what's the
word? Don't you sometimes wish you
could change things? Don't you
sometimes wish you weren't such a
loser?
MARTHA
I don't think I'm a loser.
MARK
Of course you're a loser, grandma.
Our family is made up of losers.
We're all poor, we're all average
looking, we're all only moderately
intelligent, we're all lonely and
unloved.
MARTHA
Well, we're poor because we weren't
born with money and it's very hard
to make enough money in a single
lifetime to move from one social
class to another. We're only
moderately intelligent because
there's been a lot of inbreeding in
our lineage. And we're only lonely
and unloved right now. Remember,
I've had two husbands I loved very
much in my lifetime.
(MORE)
27.
MARTHA (cont'd)
And maybe one day you'll have a
wife that you love very much too.
MARK
Yeah, but I'm not talking about the
past, Grandma. I'm talking about
right now. And right now we're both
losers, Grandma. We're both shitty,
shitty losers. Don't you know that?
MARTHA
I suppose we are. But things could
be worse. We could be homeless.
MARK
I'd rather be dead than be
homeless. That's why I need to get
out there and find a job. If I have
to be homeless, I'm going to kill
myself.
MARTHA
Well that's sad. I love you, Mark.
Good luck finding a job!
MARK
I love you too, Grandma.
Mark leaves. As he shuts the door from the hallway he hears
the channel change and turn back to static.
MARTHA (O.S.)
Oops.
INT. BAR - AFTERNOON
Mark and his friend GREG (40'S), an even less attractive,
less interesting and less intelligent version of Mark, are
bellied up the bar with half empty beers in front of them.
MARK
I'll start looking for a job
tomorrow.
GREG
Lately I don't like Indian people.
(PAUSE)
I don't like white people even more
though. I fucking hate white
people. I fucking hate people.
28.
MARK
Hey, thanks for setting me up with
your cousin by the way.
GREG
Third cousin. She's hot right?
MARK
Very.
GREG
Way out of your league. Dunno why
you bothered.
MARK
It felt nice to go out with someone
that pretty. Like for just one
moment I experienced what it would
be like to be the type of person
someone like that would date. It
felt good. Doesn't matter anyway. I
will always be just who I am right
now: average looking, of average
intelligence with an average
personality. Just a completely
generic human being.
GREG
Your life is still better than
mine.
MARK
By a good margin.
A sad beat.
GREG
Lately I've been crying in my sleep
and waking up in a pool of urine.
MARK
I really wish I had a better friend
than you.
GREG
So, what are you going to do now?
MARK
I don't know. Guess I'll start
looking for another crappy job.
29.
GREG
Doubt you'll find one. Not much
need for an out-of-work writer
specializing in the Black Plague.
Mark downs his last shot.
MARK
I'm going to go now. You're
seriously depressing me. I really
wish I was cool enough to have a
better friend than you.
GREG
I'm the best you're gonna get, man.
Call me later.
MARK
Yeah.
Mark gets up and drunkenly stumbles out of the bar.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mark drunkenly lies in bed. He picks up the phone and dials.
JENNIFER (ON PHONE)
Hello?
Mark just breathes, too scared to say anything.
JENNIFER (ON PHONE)
Hello? I can hear you breathing. Is
this a rapist?
MARK
(QUICKLY)
No, it's Mark. I'm sorry.
Mark hangs up quickly, embarrassed and ashamed. He sighs and
turns off the light.
FADE TO:
THE NEXT MORNING
The alarm clock goes off.
MARK
Shut the fuck up, I don't even have
a job!
30.
Mark tosses the alarm clock across the room and goes back to
bed.
LATER.
A loud banging wakes Mark who groggily stumbles out of bed.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
Mark opens the door to find his landlord, a middle aged, well-
groomed man.
LANDLORD
I'm here for the rent.
MARK
I was going to come talk to you
about that. I got fired yesterday.
LANDLORD
I know. That's why I'm here for the
rent.
MARK
Well, I haven't got it.
LANDLORD
How much do you have?
MARK
I think I've got about three
hundred dollars in my bank account.
LANDLORD
The rent is eight hundred dollars.
MARK
I know. I haven't got it.
LANDLORD
Then you're evicted. I'll help you
with your things.
A stunned Mark stands helpless as the Landlord pushes past
him, grabs a lamp from his living room and carries it out
into the hallway.
LANDLORD
Help me with the couch. It looks
heavy.
Mark sighs and follows the Landlord back into his apartment.
31.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
With all of his belongings piled up in the hallway, a tired
and sweaty Mark stares defeatedly at his landlord.
LANDLORD
You have one day to get your things
out of this hallway.
MARK
How am I supposed to do that?
LANDLORD
You've got three hundred dollars.
Rent a truck.
MARK
Oh, fuck me.
Mark grits his teeth in rage.
INT. BANK - DAY
Mark steps up to the female teller at the bank. Mark is at
the lowest point in his entire life.
BANK TELLER
How can I help you today?
MARK
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
BANK TELLER
Okay, sir. I'm confident I can help
you with that.
MARK
I've just been evicted from my
apartment so I need to withdraw
what I have left in my account so I
can move my things out. I guess I
need to close out my account to do
that.
(PAUSE)
I think I'm about to be homeless.
CLOSE ON MARK: This sinks in.
32.
BANK TELLER
Unfortunately sir the system is
down right now so I'm not going to
be able to perform an account
closure until the system is back
up. But I can assist you in a
withdrawal. How much would you like
to withdraw?
MARK
Well, I'd like to withdraw eight
hundred dollars.
The bank teller smiles at Mark.
BANK TELLER
How much are you going to withdraw
today, sir?
MARK
All of it. Just whatever is left.
BANK TELLER
The system is down, sir. Please
tell me how much you have in your
account?
At the peak of his despair something suddenly comes over
Mark. His face turns a light shade of red as the wheels begin
to spin in his brain. He is fighting something within.
WE FLY into Mark's skull, traveling through his cerebral
cortex and towards the frontal lobe of his brain. Sparks are
flying back and forth across his brain as his synapses fire
in rapid succession.
There is a small explosion.
We fly back out of Mark's skull -- his eyes are locked on the
Bank Teller's like a deer in the headlights.
BANK TELLER
Sir?
MARK
(awkwardly fast)
Eight hundred dollars.
BANK TELLER
Pardon me?
33.
MARK
(more confident)
I have eight hundred dollars in my
bank account.
The teller locks eyes with Mark... then looks towards her
computer.
BANK TELLER
Wait a second here. The system just
came back up.
(to co-worker)
System seems to be back up, guys.
(to Mark)
Just one second while I access your
account. You said you're
withdrawing eight hundred, correct?
Mark breaks out in a cold sweat.
MARK
Yup.
The bank teller types on her keyboard.
BANK TELLER
Well, look at this. It says here
you've only got three hundred
dollars in your account. But you
said you wanted to withdraw eight
hundred?
Mark doesn't know what to say. He tries to speak but nothing
comes out.
BANK TELLER
I apologize for this sir, but it
seems our system has made a
mistake. Hold on one second while I
go and get your eight hundred
dollars. Did you want that in large
or small bills?
Mark gulps.
MARK
Large bills.
The teller walks away. Mark looks around nervously, awkwardly
smiling at the other tellers.
34.
BANK TELLER
(to co-worker)
Guys the computers seem to be a bit
buggy. Will someone call James to
come in and look into it, please?
Moments later the Bank Teller returns and begins counting out
eight hundred dollars for Mark. Mark stares at the money with
wide eyes.
BANK TELLER
There you are. Eight hundred
dollars. Anything else I can do for
you today?
In shock, Mark shakes his head. The bank teller smiles big at
him.
BANK TELLER
Sometimes our computers can get a
bit buggy, especially when the
system goes down. Sorry for any
inconvenience.
MARK
It's no problem.
Mark takes his money and hurriedly walks away.
EXT. STREET
Bursting out of the bank, Mark is a caveman who just invented
fire.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING -- UNIT 1A
Mark knocks on his LANDLORD'S door. A short, stodgy old man
opens the door.
LANDLORD
What are you doing here?
Mark holds out a wad of money.
MARK
Paying my rent.
The landlord looks at the money and slowly reaches out to
take it.
LANDLORD
Where did you get this money?
35.
MARK
It was amazing. I went in to the
bank and the system was down and I
was going to take out three hundred
dollars but she asked me how much
I'd like to take out and...
Mark stops himself. Something else takes over within.
MARK
I found it. Lying on the street.
The Landlord and Mark both lock eyes for a tense beat.
LANDLORD
Okay. Lucky.
MARK
Give me my key back.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - DAY
Mark jumps around his apartment, dancing and screaming. Mark
is a caveman who just invented sex.
MARK (V.O.)
Today I stumbled upon something no
man has ever stumbled upon before.
What I have done today they will
write about in history books for
generations to come. And yet, only
moments ago... it was unfathomable
not only to myself, but to mankind
as a whole. What I have found there
is no word for. And it was as
simple as...
(long pause)
... how do I explain this...
(long pause)
CUT TO:
EXT. BAR - DAY
Mark and Greg sit at the bar, Greg half listening as an
inspired Mark ends his monologue.
MARK (CONT'D)
... I said something... that
wasn't.
Greg perks up.
36.
GREG
Huh?
MARK
I said something... that... wasn't.
I... what's the word I'm looking
for? Well, there is no word. Of
course there's not, I just invented
it.
Mark is frustrated by his inability to explain.
MARK
Here. Watch.
(calling over bartender)
Jim.
JIM, mid-40's, short and stout, waddles over.
JIM
What?
Mark, stands up, clears his throat, and holds his hands out
like "gimme some room".
There's a long pause as Mark summons his newfound talent:
MARK
(PROFOUNDLY)
My name is Doug.
Greg and Jim look at Mark confusedly.
GREG
(dead serious)
Your name is Doug.
JIM
(without hesitation)
Hi Doug.
GREG
It amazes me that I never knew your
real name.
(PAUSE)
Doug is good. It suits you.
Mark is flabbergasted.
MARK
Come on guys. Are you serious?
What's my name?
37.
GREG
It's Doug.
JIM
Doug.
MARK
No. My name is Mark.
GREG
(still dead serious)
Your name is Mark.
JIM
(still without hesitation)
Hi Mark.
GREG
Mark suits you much better.
JIM
Mark-o.
MARK
You guys aren't following me.
(THINKING)
Okay, guys...I'm black.
GREG
I knew it.
JIM
You're very light skinned, but I
can see it.
GREG
I've always wanted a black friend.
Mark punches the bar in anger.
MARK
Fuck it, I'm an Eskimo.
GREG
Fantastic.
JIM
I've never seen a black Eskimo.
MARK
Okay, I'm a pirate.
GREG
I didn't know they still had those.
38.
JIM
Are you a dangerous pirate?
MARK
Okay then, I'm a lion tamer... and
I have purple hair.
GREG
Aren't you scared you'll get bitten
one day?
JIM
(to Greg)
I want to die my hair purple just
like Mark's.
Greg nods. Mark sighs.
INSERT: "TWO HOURS LATER"
Mark sits at the bar looking completely bored.
JIM
I'm a one-armed Jewish space
explorer.
GREG
When's your launch date?
JIM
Shalom. How'd you lose your arm?
MARK
I invented the bicycle.
GREG
I love your work.
JIM
Can you get me a discount on a ten
speed?
Mark sighs, finishes his beer and gets up to leave.
MARK
I give up. And I'm bored.
Mark heads towards the door, dejected. He turns back.
MARK
Guys, if you had the power to make
things the way you wanted them,
what would you do first?
39.
GREG
If I could do anything in the
world?
JIM
Anything at all?
MARK
Pretty much.
Greg and Jim think this over long and hard.
GREG
I'd bone bitches asses.
JIM
Right in the ass.
MARK
Specifically the ass?
GREG
If I could change things I would
make all the hot chicks bone me.
JIM
Agreed.
Mark mulls this over.
MARK
Alright then, let's try that.
Mark downs his beer and heads towards the exit.
GREG
Where are you going?
MARK
Out.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Mark walks the street, a hunter looking for his prey.
Within seconds Mark spots a gorgeous blonde walking right
towards him. He stops in his track, quickly trying to decide
how best to proceed.
But as the blonde passes him he just stares at her like a
deer in the headlights.
40.
BLONDE
Don't look at me, I'm not attracted
to you.
The blonde walks away. Mark stands on the sidewalk staring
off into space, the wheels in his mind working overtime. Then
it hits him.
MARK
Wait!
BLONDE
Don't bother. I've heard it all
before.
MARK
(BLURTING)
THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IF WE
DON'T HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!
Immediately the blonde's eyes well up in tears. She is
terrified.
BLONDE
Do we have time to get to a motel
or do we have to do it right here?
Mark is a caveman who just invented his penis.
EXT. A MOTEL -- DAY
The neon sign outside reads "A Cheap Motel for Intercourse
with a Near Stranger".
We slowly PUSH IN on the door of room 206. We hear noises
inside that at first sound like moaning, but as we get
closer... they sound more like crying.
INT. MOTEL - ROOM 206 - DAY
Bawling her eyes out and sitting on the bed doing her best to
get her shoes off, is the hot blonde.
Mark sits across from her, a look of guilt and revulsion on
his face. This is not what he expected.
BLONDE
(BAWLING)
I'm sorry, I'm just so scared. I
don't want the world to end.
(MORE)
41.
BLONDE (cont'd)
I don't want to die in this motel
room. I think I'm going to throw
up. Help me get my pants off.
Mark stands up. The blonde grabs him and pulls him towards
her. He pulls away.
MARK
This isn't right.
The blonde screams and drops to her knees.
BLONDE
No! We have to have sex! The world
is going to end! Think of the
children and little babies!
Mark looks down at this panicked, helpless girl and feels
really, really bad about himself.
MARK
Just calm down for one second.
Mark walks over to the phone and picks it up.
BLONDE
How can I be calm? The world might
end any second! DON'T YOU
UNDERSTAND?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO
DIE!!
MARK
(to phone)
Hello... NASA? Yes, it's... me. Oh,
good. That's very good news. Good
news indeed.
Mark hangs up the phone. The blonde is rocking back and forth
on the bed in a fetal position.
MARK
We're going to be okay. The world
isn't going to end. Everyone is
going to be fine.
The blonde tackles him in a bear hug, sobbing and laughing.
BLONDE
WE'RE GOING TO LIVE! We're going to
live! Thank you! Thank you!
The blonde falls onto the bed in exhaustion.
42.
BLONDE
This has been the worst... and the
best... day of my life.
MARK
Okay, I gotta go.
BLONDE
Oh no, please stay. We've been
through so much together.
Mark stares at this helpless girl for a moment.
MARK
I'm an asshole.
The blonde's face and mood do an instant 180.
BLONDE
(SPITEFUL)
Well, I hate assholes. Get out of
here.
The blonde chucks her shoes at Mark as he closes the door.
EXT. MOTEL -- DAY
Mark walks across the parking lot. A look of total shock on
his face.
INT. BAR - DUSK
Greg is in the exact same position Mark left him in, but he's
twice as drunk.
Mark plops down next to him, dazed and upset.
MARK
That was one of the worst
experiences of my life.
GREG
(SHIT-FACED)
Did you invent a new kind of bike?
MARK
What else would you do if you could
do anything in the world?
GREG
Bone chicks asses. That's what I'd
do.
43.
MARK
What else though. What's the second
thing you'd do.
Greg nods off. Mark nudges him.
GREG
What else would you do, dipshit?
MARK
I'd get money. I'd get all the
money.
Greg passes out. Mark nods his head, takes the three full
shots sitting in front of Greg and does them all.
MARK
Yeah. Let's do that. Greg, let's
go.
GREG
What?
MARK
We're going on a trip.
Greg immediately perks up.
GREG
I'll drive.
INT. MARK'S CAR -- NIGHT
Greg is driving, Mark rides shotgun, both of them are
completely plastered.
MARK
Thanks for driving man, I'm
completely plastered.
GREG
I'm just as hammered as you. But I
don't care if I get arrested. I'm
trying to hit bottom.
WHOOP-WHOOP come the flashing lights of a cop car right
behind them. Greg begins to pull over.
GREG
Here comes bottom.
Mark looks worried. The cop comes to Greg's window.
44.
COP
Nothing safer than pulling over two
nerdy white guys in their forties.
GREG
I don't want to go to jail.
COP
Are you drunk?
GREG
Yes.
COP
Then you're going to jail.
Blow in here, son.
The cop pulls out a Breathalyzer and holds it up to Greg's
mouth.
MARK
Wait, officer. Don't do that.
COP
I don't think you can afford my
bribe, son.
MARK
How much does it cost to bribe you?
COP
At least five grand.
MARK AND GREG
Wow, that's high.
COP
I need to feel that I've got some
sense of integrity.
Greg blows in the Breathalyzer.
COP
Whoa, that's off the charts. Step
out of the car, son. You're drunk
and going to jail.
Greg opens the door.
MARK
Wait.
(PAUSE)
He's not drunk.
45.
Greg stumbles and falls, passing out in the dirt. The cop
stares at Mark for a long beat while his brain wraps around
this.
COP
Oh.
The cop bangs his Breathalyzer against his leg.
COP
Damn thing must be broken.
In the background we can hear Greg vomiting profusely. The
cop picks up Greg and puts him back in the driver's seat.
COP
(to Greg)
Son, you might want to drive
yourself to the nearest hospital.
You have food poisoning or some
kind of flu.
Mark is basically passed out, vomit drooling down his chin.
He couldn't look more drunk. The cop and Mark stare at him
for a beat.
COP
(to Mark)
Maybe you oughta drive, son.
MARK
Good idea.
MOMENTS LATER
Driving away with Greg in the passenger seat, a giant smile
comes across Mark's face as he begins to laugh.
MARK
That was awesome!
GREG
Stop laughing, I'm sick.
MARK
You're gonna be all right, Greg.
GREG
Oh good!
Greg vomits all over himself.
46.
GREG
Stupid stomach flu.
(PAUSE)
Where are we going?
MARK
Vegas, baby. Vegas.
EXT. BELLAGIO - NIGHT
Mark pulls in front of the Bellagio hotel and casino. Both
Mark, and a very hungover looking Greg, pop out of the car.
Mark hands the keys to the valet and they both stumble
inside.
INT. BELLAGIO - NIGHT
It's the Bellagio. We've all been there.
GREG
What are we doing here? We don't
have any money to throw away.
MARK
Sure we do.
Mark pulls out a small wad of money.
GREG
What is that, a few hundred bucks?
That's not going to last us very
long.
MARK
Sure it will.
Mark and Greg step up to the chip counter. Mark slides his
small wad through the window.
MARK
Chips please.
The CHIP WOMAN looks at his money.
CHIP WOMAN
There's a very good chance you'll
lose all this money here tonight.
MARK
I know.
47.
CHIP WOMAN
And even if you do happen to win,
there's an even better chance that
in the long run we'll win it back.
MARK
I know.
CHIP WOMAN
Some of the games are fixed. Like
all the ones that use computers.
MARK
I know.
The woman slides him a short stack of chips. Greg frowns.
Mark and Greg walk towards the tables.
Mark and Greg look around. A cocktail waitress approaches.
COCKTAIL WAITRESS
If I could be a stripper I would,
but I'm not attractive enough.
Drinks, guys?
GREG
No. I have a stomach flu.
MARK
We'll both have beers and we'll
take them at that roulette table
over there.
Mark points to a table and walks away. The waitress nods.
GREG
Oh come on, roulette is the
stupidest game of them all. It's
pure chance, no skill whatsoever.
MARK
It's okay. I'm feeling lucky.
GREG
You've never had a lucky day in
your life.
MARK
Just watch.
They arrive at the roulette table.
48.
ROULETTE DEALER
Get your bets in, get your bets in.
The house always wins in the long
run. Because of the zero's on the
board every bet is slightly favored
towards the house.
Mark puts his chips down on seventeen black. The dealer
starts the wheel. The ball comes to a stop on twenty-seven
red.
ROULETTE DEALER
Twenty-seven red. No one wins.
In full view, Mark slides his chips over to twenty-seven red.
MARK
I'm on twenty-seven red.
The dealer looks at this. His brain takes a moment to
respond.
ROULETTE DEALER
We have a winner. Congratulations,
sir.
The dealer stacks up Mark's new chips and pushes them over to
him.
GREG
You did it. You just, like,
quadrupled your money. You lucky
son of a bitch.
MARK
That's nothing. Watch this.
Mark puts all of his chips on double zero. A bunch of other
people scatter their chips around the table as well.
ROULETTE DEALER
Get your bets in, get your bets in.
The house always wins in the long
run. Fork over your money right
here folks. I say this so often I
want to kill myself.
The dealer spins the ball. It comes to a halt on nine black.
ROULETTE DEALER
Nine black. No winners.
49.
Mark takes ALL of the chips on the table, both his and
EVERYONE ELSE'S and slides them together into a giant pile
and sits them right on nine black.
MARK
I'm on nine black. These are all
mine.
The table cheers for Mark. Some people are a bit confused,
and a slight hubbub arises in the background: "I thought I
had chips on the table." "Yeah, me too." "We must be drunk."
"That guys is lucky!" Even the dealer looks a bit confused...
but gets over it quickly.
ROULETTE DEALER
Nine black wins. Big winner.
Congratulations, sir.
The roulette dealer slides about five grand in chips over to
Mark. Greg's jaw is on the floor.
GREG
Do it again.
Mark notices the confused people around him.
MARK
I don't think I should. Lets go
play slots.
MOMENTS LATER
Mark is talking to a Pit Man right in front of a slot
machine.
MARK
Hi, I just won a major jackpot on
this slot machine but no money came
out.
PIT MAN
I'm sorry about that, sir. Let me
get that fixed for you. And can I
say congratulations, sir.
MARK
Thank you.
The Pit Man whispers a few words into his lapel mic.
MOMENTS LATER
Mark and Greg, each carrying four giant buckets overflowing
with chips, waddle through the casino.
50.
GREG
This is the most amazing night of
my life.
INT. BELLAGIO - PENTHOUSE SUITE - DAY
Mark and Greg lounge around the Bellagio penthouse suite,
piles of chips and cash lying around them. Greg is pacing
delightedly. Mark lies on the couch, unsatisfied.
GREG
It amazes me the winning streak
you're on. You must be the luckiest
man in the world.
MARK
Well, sort of.
GREG
It was like we couldn't lose.
MARK
We couldn't lose.
GREG
Do you have a system?
MARK
I've got a system.
GREG
Well, with your system in just a
few weeks I figure we could be the
richest people in the world.
MARK
And then what?
GREG
Well, here's what I'm thinking. We
take all the money in the world...
and put it on black.
MARK
Why put it on black? Why stop
there? Put it on a number and get
thirty five times back.
Greg's eyes widen at the thought.
GREG
That's exactly what we'll do.
51.
MARK
Hold on, I think I found a flaw in
your plan. How can they pay us if
we have all the money in the world?
GREG
Well, they'd just have to.
MARK
Well, they can't because we've got
it all.
GREG
Well, they'd better find it. They
can't let us bet if they're not
going to pay us back. They'll have
to just give us the casino.
MARK
We already own the casino. We've
got all the money in the world.
We'll be betting against ourselves.
GREG
Then we'll go to another casino.
MARK
We own that one too. We won that.
GREG
So we own all the casino's?
MARK
Yup.
GREG
And if we win we can't pay us back
because we already have all the
money?
MARK
Yes.
Greg thinks this over for a long beat.
GREG
Only one thing we can do then.
MARK
I'm listening.
GREG
Take ourselves into the back room
and break our own fingers.
52.
MARK
Brilliant.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LOBBY - MORNING
Mark, exhausted from his long night, waits for the elevator
to arrive. The elevator doors open and Frank, the depressive
neighbor, steps out.
MARK
Hey there, Frank.
FRANK
Mark. How's it going?
MARK
Pretty good, thanks.
Frank stops and turns around, this is a different response.
FRANK
Really?
MARK
Yeah. You?
FRANK
Awful. I was doing some internet
research last night about
suffocation suicide. I'm probably
going to give that a try tonight.
MARK
Oh.
(PAUSE)
All right. Bye, Frank.
FRANK
Bye.
Mark gets in the elevator, Frank walks away. A short beat.
Mark exits the elevator and yells after Frank.
MARK
Frank!
Frank, halfway out the building, turns around.
FRANK
Yeah?
MARK
Don't do it.
53.
Frank thinks this over.
FRANK
Why not? I'm miserable. And no one
will care.
MARK
I'll care.
FRANK
You're a loser, though.
MARK
Don't do it, Frank. Things are
going to be all right.
FRANK
They are?
MARK
Yes. You're going to meet someone
soon. You won't be so lonely.
Things are going to turn around at
your job.
FRANK
My job's actually fine.
MARK
Well, things are going to get
better. Better than they are.
FRANK
What about the depression?
MARK
It will go away very soon. You're
going to be happy soon, Frank. You
just need to wait for it. Listen to
me: you don't need to kill
yourself.
Something changes in Frank. A slight smile comes over him.
FRANK
Really?
MARK
Really.
Frank laughs.
54.
FRANK
Wow. Man, and that suffocation
thing really seemed like a good
idea.
MARK
It wasn't.
FRANK
Okay. Well, my night's open now.
You want to hang out later?
MARK
I don't know. Not really.
Frank's smile fades a tiny bit.
MARK
Sure. Of course. Let's hang out.
FRANK
I'll see you after work.
MARK
Great.
Mark gets back in the elevator to the sound of Frank laughing
to himself as he exits the building. We hold on Mark for a
moment as he smiles and nods his head.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Mark sits at kitchen table, pen and paper in hand.
MARK (V.O.)
(WRITING)
I've discovered something today
very important... and very
powerful.
MONTAGE
Mark doing various good deeds throughout the day. V.O plays
throughout.
Marks walks up to the homeless man with the "I don't
understand why I'm homeless and you are all not" sign. He
says something to the homeless man, who quickly drops his
sign and follows Mark.
MARK (V.O.)
I'm as excited as I've ever been in
my entire life, and equally scared.
(MORE)
55.
MARK (V.O.) (cont'd)
I'm writing this down in a letter
in case this thing I've discovered
somehow ends up killing me. I want
to ensure that, even if I wasn't
strong enough to use it, that my
invention doesn't once again
disappear, never to be discovered
again.
Mark and the homeless man are at the bank. Mark is talking to
the bank teller. The homeless man looks at Mark nervously.
The teller leaves and comes back with stacks and stacks of
cash.
MARK (V.O.)
In just a few hours since I
stumbled upon my discovery I have
seen its potential for evil and I
have seen its potential for good.
Outside Lecture Films, Mark talks to the woman who was
adamant about not wanting to go to work. He whispers a few
words into her ear. She smiles, picks up her briefcase and
gladly walks into work.
MARK (V.O.)
I must be careful with my
discovery, for at this point I
barely understand it, let alone
think I have the power to control
it. All I know is that if I'm not
careful I could easily do
irreparable damage to the world, or
even cause my own premature death.
Mark walks up to the arguing couple at the coffee shop, who
are now sitting at different tables, not even looking at each
other. He pulls up a chair next to each of them,
individually, and says a few words to them. Within moments,
the two of them are running into each other's arms and making
out passionately on the floor of the coffee shop.
MARK (V.O.)
Now, to explain my invention. In
essence, my creation is the act of
saying words that simply are not.
For example, if I tell someone that
my eyes are blue, then it simply
becomes fact. I still know that,
indeed, my eyes are brown, but no
one else is aware of this fact, so
therefore I have blue eyes.
(MORE)
56.
MARK (V.O.) (cont'd)
It's a game of numbers: there is
only one of me who knows I have
brown eyes, and so many of them who
do not. The numbers always win.
Mark is at the elderly home, walking the halls and whispering
to his grandmother and each elderly person he passes, leaving
each one of them with a smile upon their faces, and some with
tears streaming down their cheeks.
MARK
Whoever is reading this, go ahead
and try it. Tell someone your eyes
are a different color then they
are. I think you'll be amazed at
the results. It's so simple and
yet... so powerful... this thing
I've invented.
Mark and Frank are watching TV in Mark's apartment. The two
of them are drinking beers and having a good time watching
television.
MARK (V.O.)
Au Revoir, future reader, au
revoir.
Mark signs his letter, seals it in an envelope, writes "MY
INVENTION" on the outside of it and sticks it in a drawer in
his kitchen.
END MONTAGE
INT. MARK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mark lies in bed watching TV. He picks up the phone and
dials.
MARK
Jennifer. It's Mark.
JENNIFER
Are you gonna hang up on me again?
MARK
No. Maybe. Who knows. I'm calling
because I want to ask you out on
another date.
JENNIFER
Why would you do that?
57.
MARK
I discovered something yesterday. I
found out I can pretty much have my
life anyway I want it from now on.
JENNIFER
Congratulations. I gotta go.
MARK
Wait, and I know you said you
didn't want to date me ever again,
but I'm different now. Things have
changed. I think I'm in your league
now.
JENNIFER
You're better looking?
MARK
No. I'm not better looking. I'm
just more... powerful. I think you
have to see it for yourself.
JENNIFER
Have you been to the gym?
MARK
No, I haven't been to the gym. It's
just... it's amazing. Things are
different for me now. You have to
see this. I think you'll hardly
recognize me.
JENNIFER
Did you buy better clothes?
MARK
No, look can we just meet up?
There is silence on the other end of the phone.
MARK
Jennifer, If there was even a
glimmer of something about me that
you liked, please say yes. You even
admitted that we got along well.
Just give me one more chance. Just
one little teensy, tiny date.
JENNIFER
Okay, fine.
58.
MARK
Fantastic. Tomorrow night. I'll
pick you up at eight.
JENNIFER
Most likely it'll be our last date
though, so just know that.
MARK
(SARCASTIC)
That's very sweet.
JENNIFER
No it wasn't. Did you not hear what
I said?
MARK
Yeah, no I was being...
(pause; searching)
...there's no word for it. See you
tomorrow night.
JENNIFER
Bye.
Mark hangs up happily.
MOVIE TRAILER VOICE (ON T.V)
In Our World.... in the 1800's...
PAN ON TV: The screen is all black.
MOVIE TRAILER VOICE (ON T.V)
... came the greatest revolution of
them all.
(climactic music)
The Industrial Revolution.
The black fades to ANGELO BADSMITH, a middle-aged African
American man sitting before a fire in a green smoking jacket,
holding a script.
MOVIE TRAILER VOICE (ON T.V)
Written by famed screenwriter Rob
Marlowe and read by Oscar winning
Reader Angelo Badsmith.
ANGELO BADSMITH
Hello, I'm Angelo Badmsith. Come
watch me read about the exciting
events that took place during the
Industrial Revolution.
(MORE)
59.
ANGELO BADSMITH (cont'd)
Also, I will tell you all about my
personal misfortunes, such as my
wife who cheated on me with a man
named Perry.
The screen reads: "The Industrial Revolution. Summer `07."
BACK ON MARK: His eyes are wide. The wheels in his head are
spinning again.
MARK
Rob Marlowe, your streak of success
has finally come to an end.
Suddenly Mark jumps and runs to his kitchen table. He grabs a
pen, pulls out a sheet of paper... and begins writing.
SERIES OF JUMP CUTS: Mark writing furiously throughout the
night, piling up page upon page. By the time the sun comes up
Mark is exhausted, with barely the energy to keep his head up
as he writes "the end" and places the final page on his large
stack of finished pages.
FADE TO:
EXT. LECTURE FILMS - CAR LOT - MORNING
Mark hustles through the parking lot, manuscript in hand. He
reaches the door and then stops -- remembering something.
Mark runs to the curb and throws his manuscript onto the
dirty, filthy street. He gets down on his hands and knees and
rubs his manuscript into the grime, making sure to get every
page equally filthy.
Satisfied, he organizes the pages into a neat pile and enters
Lecture Films.
INT. LECTURE FILMS - WRITER'S OFFICES - DAY
Mark walks the aisles of Lecture Films. People stop to stare
at him. There is a whispered hubbub from the many cubicles
and offices.
Mark passes his old office, stopping to read the sign on the
door: "14TH CENTURY -- CLOSED."
Mark grimaces and keeps walking.
SHELLEY (O.S.)
He's gone crazy!
60.
Mark turns his head to see Shelley, standing down the hall,
terrified, staring at Mark.
Mark ignores her and keeps walking. Leaning against his door
jamb, is Rob, smirking as Mark passes him.
ROB
Come to beg for your old job back?
Hey everybody, here's the loser who
thought the Black Plague would make
for an interesting film. Good luck,
douche bag. Freaking loser.
Mark walks right up to the door that reads, "Head of
Development -- Anthony James."
Mark opens the door.
Anthony is on the phone, his back to Mark.
ANTHONY (ON PHONE)
They're going to fire me any
moment, I just know it. I'm really,
really horrible at my job. I don't
know anything about movies. I don't
even like movies. I like sports.
Head of development, what does that
even mean? I'm not a smart person.
Okay, talk to you later.
Anthony turns around to find Mark. His face becomes very,
very scared.
ANTHONY
That was the head of the studio.
(PAUSE)
I'm very scared that you're mad at
me about the whole firing thing.
MARK
I'm not mad at all.
Anthony is relieved.
ANTHONY
Oh good, because I feel really bad
about it. I mean, I would be
horrible at your job too. I would
be horrible at any job in this
place.
(PAUSE)
I love sports.
They both stare at each other for a long beat.
61.
ANTHONY
Why are you here?
Mark pulls up a chair.
MARK
When you fired me, I was very
depressed.
ANTHONY
I knew it.
MARK
And so I left this building and I
just started walking. And I walked
all the way out of town. And then I
walked into the desert and I fell
asleep under a tree.
ANTHONY
I don't do well with other people's
life changing events.
MARK
And when I woke up I found this
strange old chest sticking out of
the ground. So I started digging.
And I unearthed a very old and
ancient box. Probably, oh...
about... seven hundred years old.
And inside the box...
(holding up manuscript)
... was this.
Mark places his muddy, dirty, manuscript down on Anthony's
desk. Anthony is scared to touch it.
ANTHONY
What is it?
MARK
It's a never-before-heard
historical event from the past.
ANTHONY
When does it take place?
MARK
The 1300's.
The excitement drains from Anthony's face.
62.
ANTHONY
I told you we're not interested in
Black Plague movies here, Mark.
MARK
This one isn't about the black
plague. Well it isn't just about
the black plague. Let me read you
some of this.
Anthony rolls his eyes.
MARK
Anthony, get excited about this.
This is a brand new event from
history that no one has ever heard
before. It's a great human
discovery.
ANTHONY
Yeah, but is there a movie there?
MARK
The greatest movie Lecture Films
has ever made.
Anthony's eyes widen.
ANTHONY
Start reading.
Mark picks up the manuscript and opens the first page.
MARK
(READING)
On the very first day of the
fourteenth century, a momentous
occasion occurred. It began as a
day much like any other. The sun
rose, the people awoke, workers
began to work, babies began to cry.
But all of that was interrupted
when a giant flying space ship
crashed down from the skies and
landed in the heart of Babylon.
Anthony's mouth drops to the ground.
ANTHONY
What?!
Mark smiles. Anthony picks up his phone and presses
"intercom".
63.
ANTHONY (ON PHONE)
I want everyone in here now! We've
got a BIG ONE.
Anthony hangs up.
ANTHONY
Please, Mark. Continue.
MARK
(READING)
As the smoke cleared, the door to
the spaceship opened and inside,
were hundreds of beautiful, half
naked alien women.
DISSOLVE TO:
The room is filled with people now, all of them hanging on
every word Mark reads from his manuscript. Even Rob and
Shelly lean against the back wall, their minds blown by the
story Mark is telling.
MARK
(READING)
And then the ninja army unleashed a
giant fireball that brought the
robot dinosaur to its knees, saving
Mars, Earth and the Nude Amazonian
Alien Women all in one sweeping
motion. The earth was saved.
Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to
marry by alien king Xardon. It was
to be the First Human-Nude
Amazonian Alien Woman wedding, and
no expenses would be spared. All of
Babylon and Mars were invited to
join in the celebrations.
People around the room wipe tears from their eyes.
MARK
(READING)
The wedding was held on a brisk
summers day on Mars, with all of
the survivors of the Great Ninja
War and the Black Plague present.
They feasted and danced and laughed
and it was a joyous occasion.
(MORE)
64.
MARK (cont'd)
The moment the bride and groom
kissed, King Xardon performed a
mind-wipe on all of the humans,
thereby erasing all knowledge of
these events from their minds, and
sent them back to Babylon. For
seven hundred years these events
would be forgotten by mankind until
one day, a great writer by the name
of Mark Bellison, would stumble
upon them in the desert, after
being fired by his shit boss
Anthony and mocked by Rob and
Shelly, two huge douche bags.
Lecture Films Motion Picture
Studios would go on to make the
picture and it would be a big
success, and Mark would become very
wealthy and famous from it. The
End.
The entire room bursts into applause. Not just normal
applause, but massive, epic applause.
Everyone crowds around Mark, hugging him, touching him, blown
away by the magnanimity of the moment.
ANTHONY
Mark, tell us what it's called.
Mark thinks it over for a moment and looks right at Rob.
MARK
(to Rob)
The Black Plague.
Rob sneers. Everyone "aahs" and claps again.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Mark and Jennifer sit at a candlelit table in the corner of a
hip and fancy restaurant. Jennifer looks beautiful. Mark is
on cloud nine.
JENNIFER
Congratulations on selling your
script today.
MARK
Thanks. Thank you for having dinner
with me.
65.
JENNIFER
Everyone needs to eat.
(PAUSE)
And I enjoy your company.
Mark smiles. They both sip their drinks and look at their
menus. The waiter comes up.
WAITER
I'm an extremely important waiter.
(PAUSE)
What can I get you?
MARK
I don't want to know what it is, I
just want to order the most
expensive thing on the menu.
JENNIFER
I'll have the duck. And I think you
look like a little rat faced man.
WAITER
Okay, I'll have those right up for
you.
The waiter leaves. Mark and Jennifer stare at each other for
a short beat. Something has changed between them and they can
both feel it.
JENNIFER
Things seem to be turning around
for you.
MARK
Today is the best day of my life.
Hands down. Easy. Best day.
JENNIFER
It's not every day you unearth a
monumental historical event and
sell it for a ton of money.
MARK
That wasn't the best part. It was
great, but it wasn't the peak of my
day.
(PAUSE)
I've had a crush on you ever since
I saw a picture of you on Greg's
refrigerator two years ago.
JENNIFER
Oh.
66.
MARK
The best part of my day today is
right now, sitting at this table
here with you.
JENNIFER
Oh.
MARK
You're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen in my life, and
you're special... and it makes me
happy to be around you.
JENNIFER
Thank you.
Jennifer is touched...but she doesn't reciprocate Mark's
feelings. Jennifer moves on.
JENNIFER
Tell me something about your
family. I really don't know much
about you.
MARK
Ah, my family. We're what you'd
probably call "not lucky". My whole
family is kind of marked by
tragedy, bad luck and general...
shittiness. It goes back a long
ways and could probably drive
someone to suicide just hearing
about it, so I'll keep it simple.
My mom died when I was six. Cancer.
JENNIFER
Sad.
MARK
And my dad got real depressed and
lost his job. Out of work and with
a kid to raise he had no choice but
to turn to a life of crime.
JENNIFER
What kind of crime?
MARK
He was a robber. Houses mostly.
DISSOLVE TO:
67.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY
Nice, mid-to-upper class home. Lots of white wood. The house
is very quiet, until... the phone rings and the answer
machine picks up.
MARK'S DAD (O.S.)
(on answer machine)
Hi, I'm calling to let you know
I'll be robbing your house today.
I'll probably be there within the
hour.
(PAUSE)
I hope you're not there.
The message ends. PAN OVER to a SOCCER MOM standing in the
doorway. She drops her coffee and screams.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
MARK
He was a very unlucky man. He spent
his last days behind bars. I never
really knew him.
(sad moment; pause)
But I guess I've also had a little
luck in my life. I did have a
wonderful grandmother who raised
me.
JENNIFER
Oh, that's sweet.
MARK
Yeah, she's great.
JENNIFER
Where is she?
MARK
Old person's home obviously. Who
wants to live with that? Gross.
JENNIFER
I know, right?
MARK
But I'm going to get her out of
there tomorrow.
(MORE)
68.
MARK (cont'd)
I'm going to buy her a big
beautiful mansion where she can
spend her few remaining days in
luxury.
JENNIFER
That's nice.
The waiter arrives with their food.
WAITER
I don't know what's wrong with the
chef today, but these just look
awful.
He places them down.
MARK
They look fine to me.
WAITER
Well, you're stupid.
Mark and Jennifer begin eating. Mark wants to say something
and takes a moment to summon the courage.
MARK
Right. I was thinking that since
I'm going to be rich and successful
now that I might be in your league.
(PAUSE)
And that maybe we could be
together. Romantically.
JENNIFER
What would be the point?
Mark didn't expect this answer.
MARK
Well, I don't know, maybe we might
enjoy it. Maybe we'd be good
together and could have a happy
life, raise a family together.
Jennifer thinks this over.
JENNIFER
Well, I do like you. And I enjoy
your company.
(MORE)
69.
JENNIFER (cont'd)
And if we were to get together and
procreate I would like the
offspring that are carrying half my
genetic code to be well taken care
of and financially stable. I also
think you'd make a good father and
a good husband, which I like.
Mark smiles. This is going well...
MARK
Good. Fantastic.
JENNIFER
Unfortunately, none of that changes
the fact that you'd still be
contributing half of the genetic
code to our children.
(PAUSE)
I don't want short, fat kids with
little snub noses.
And that's the end of that. Mark nods.
MARK
Sure.
Mark takes a bite of his food. Jennifer smiles and does the
same, oblivious to Mark's pain.
Mark's cell phone rings.
MARK (ON PHONE)
Hello?
(PAUSE)
What?
Mark's face melts in terror.
MARK (ON PHONE)
(LOUDLY)
WHAT?
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Mark bursts into the hospital room to find his grandmother,
MARTHA looking tired and scared, hooked up to dozens of
machines, the heart monitor beeping ominously.
MARK
Grandma, they just called me.
What's going on? Are you okay?
70.
MARTHA
I don't know, I fell on my way back
to my room.
MARK
What do the doctors say?
MARTHA
They say I'll probably die tonight.
MARK
What?
There's a knock on the door. The doctor enters.
DOCTOR
Oh, hello. I was just coming in to
check on her, you must be Martha
Bellison's grandson.
MARK
What are you talking about she's
going to die?
DOCTOR
I'm sorry. It just doesn't look
good. She's suffered a major heart
attack and her heart is very weak,
her pulse not very strong, her
blood pressure is dropping rapidly
and most likely she'll have a fatal
heart attack during the night.
MARK
Fuck.
The doctor checks Martha's chart.
DOCTOR
Yup, still going to die.
Mark sits down next to Martha, in total shock.
DOCTOR
I'm sorry, guys. I wish I felt
something for you two, but I really
don't. I do this exact thing about
thirty times a night and it's
really hardened me to human
suffering. On a side note, it's
fajita night at the cafeteria
downstairs. You might think about
grabbing a bite to eat there after
your grandma dies.
71.
The doctor leaves. Mark holds his grandmother's hand, her
hand is shaking.
MARTHA
I'm so scared, Mark. I don't want
to die. You know, people don't talk
about it much, but death is a
horrible thing. One minute you're
alive, there's a whole world around
you, humming and jumping, people
coming in and out, doors opening
and closing, love and anger and the
whole mess of it all, and then like
that, it's all gone.
(CRYING)
This is it Mark, only a few hours
left of this until an eternity of
nothingness.
The wheels in Mark's head are spinning again. Suddenly the
heart monitor starts beating rapidly and Martha lurches in
pain.
MARK
Grandma!
Mark immediately slams on the big red "call nurse" button,
holding his grandmother down as she lurches in pain.
Seconds later three nurses burst into the room.
NURSE #1
She's seizing.
Nurse #2 begins filling a syringe. Mark sits by his
grandmother's head, they're both looking right at each other.
MARTHA
I'm scared.
MARK
Listen closely to me, Grandma. I
have a surprise for you.
We focus on Mark and his grandmother, inches from one another
as the paramedics busy themselves around Martha's dying body.
MARK
You're wrong about what happens
when you die. It's not an eternity
of nothingness.
Martha is hanging on to every word Mark is saying.
72.
MARK
When you die you're going to go to
your favorite place in the whole
world. And you're going to be with
all of the people you've ever loved
and who have ever loved you. And
you're going to be young again, and
you'll be able to run through the
fields and dance and jump, and
there will be no sadness, no pain,
just love and laughing and
happiness. There will be ponies
made of gold, and everyone will
live in giant mansions, and
everything will smell like cookies.
And it will last for an eternity,
Grandma. An eternity.
Tears are rolling down Martha's face as a glimmering smile
overtakes her face.
Mark looks up to see the nurses, paramedics and doctors all
staring at Mark in total shock.
NURSE #1
Go on.
DOCTOR
What else happens?
The cardiogram flat lines.
MARK
Do your jobs!
Everyone distractedly goes back to helping the grandmother.
MARK
You're going to be happy forever,
grandma. I promise you. Say hello
to my mom for me. Tell her I love
her.
Again, everyone has stopped helping Martha, they're all
listening intently. Some of them are crying.
NURSE #2
(TEARFULLY)
I'm going to see my mother again
when I die.
DOCTOR
Tell us more, please.
73.
Martha stops breathing. The machine flatlines. And with that
Martha is gone.
MARK
Damn it.
Mark turns away from his grandmother. Standing outside in the
hallway is Jennifer, watching Mark with true empathy in her
eyes.
INT. MARK'S CAR -- MORNING
Mark and Jennifer pull up in front of Jennifer's apartment.
There is a long beat of silence.
JENNIFER
I'm so sorry, Mark.
MARK
I think I just did something bad.
JENNIFER
Do you want to come inside?
Mark nods his head.
INT. JENNIFER'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mark and Jennifer sit side-by-side on her couch. Mark holds a
can of beer in his hand, gently turning it around in his
palm, staring down at it vacantly.
Jennifer sadly watches Mark.
Slowly and almost absentmindedly, Jennifer's hand moves over
and rests gently upon Mark's wrist, settling there.
We hold on them for a long beat.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE UP:
THE NEXT MORNING
Mark and Jennifer have fallen asleep in the exact same
position, both of them sitting side-by-side no the couch, her
hand still on his wrist.
Mark opens his eyes and looks down at her hand, then up at
Jennifer who slowly opens her eyes and smiles at him.
74.
JENNIFER
Hi.
MARK
Hi.
They share a moment.
INT. MARK'S CAR - MORNING
A bleary eyed Mark drives home from Jennifer's. As he turns
onto his street he finds hundreds of cars blocking the way. A
massive crowd of people are leaving their cars and walking.
Mark gets out of his car to find a wild scene: hundreds of
people camped out on the lawn of his apartment building.
Standing by his door is the NURSE from the hospital. She
immediately points at Mark and screams.
NURSE #1
There he is!
Mark is bum-rushed by a question-asking throng. All of them
are pelting Mark with questions, all of them confused and
hopeful and desperately looking for answers.
PERSON #1
Is there only one place you go when
you die?
PERSON #2
Will everyone who has ever died be
there?
PERSON #3
What's this place called?
PERSON #4
Will I get to have sex with people
there?
Mark pushes through the crowd, overwhelmed by it all. He gets
to his door and opens it, only to have the Nurse step in his
path and block the door.
NURSE #1
You owe us an explanation. If you
know something this important, you
better tell us all.
MARK
Who are you people?
75.
NURSE #1
The words you spoke last night, to
your grandmother, spread like
wildfire. Please, tell us more.
Explain what you said.
MARK
Fine, fine, just give me a minute.
Mark pushes past her and into his building, closing the door
behind him.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - DAY
Mark goes to his fridge and pulls out a beer. His mind is
reeling. As he opens a drawer to get a bottle opener he sees
the letter: "MY INVENTION". Mark eyes it ominously.
The phone rings. Mark screens the call.
JENNIFER (V.O.)
(leaving message)
You've been gone for twenty minutes
and I turn on the T.V to see you on
every station. What's going on?
This is seriously the weirdest
thing...
Mark picks up the phone.
MARK
Remember last night when I said I
think I did something bad? Well now
I know I did something bad.
JENNIFER
They're saying that you know
something different about what
happens after you die.
Mark walks into his bedroom and turns on the TV. Sure enough
there's a newscaster on his lawn, giving a report, with a
banner on the screen that reads, "New Death Discoveries".
MARK
Hold on.
Mark puts down the phone and listens to the T.V.
REPORTER (ON T.V)
Twenty-four hours ago, Mark
Bellison was just your typical
nobody writer.
(MORE)
76.
REPORTER (ON T.V) (cont'd)
Today, people are saying he knows
new information about what happens
after you die.
Mark puts the phone to his ear again.
MARK
Fuck.
JENNIFER
Mark, what do you know? What did
you tell your grandmother last
night? What's going on?
MARK
I can't explain it all right now.
Why don't you come over?
JENNIFER
Okay.
EXT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
Jennifer pushes through the throng of people, which is now
even larger than before. As she reaches the door Mark opens
it for her and slides her through.
MARK
Come up quick, they look like they
could get out of hand any second.
Mark hurries Jennifer into the elevator.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
Jennifer sits on the couch while Mark, agitated beyond
recognition, paces the room.
JENNIFER
Just tell me what you told your
grandmother.
MARK
I don't think I should. Who knows
what could happen next? I'm just
going to keep my mouth shut from
now on.
JENNIFER
What you said obviously affected a
lot of people. I don't think you
have the choice to keep it in now.
77.
MARK
Sure I do. I could just walk out
that door and get on a plane and go
to Namibia. No one knows me in
Namibia.
JENNIFER
Just tell me what you said. Please,
Mark.
MARK
My grandmother was dying, and she
was terrified, shaking all over.
She didn't want to just become
nothingness. So I told her that
when she died there wouldn't be
nothingness. That she would be with
all of the people she loved who had
died and that she would live an
eternity of joy and happiness.
Jennifer's heart skips a beat.
JENNIFER
(barely able to speak)
How do you know these things?
Mark sighs and looks out the window. The crowd extends down
the block, all of them sitting calmly on his lawn, talking
quietly to each other, trying to make sense of it all.
Jennifer gets up and stands beside Mark.
JENNIFER
You have to tell them everything
you know. This is too big. You have
no choice.
MARK
But you don't understand. The words
I said... they weren't... it's not
right.
JENNIFER
How did your grandmother feel when
you told her these things?
MARK
Happy. At peace.
JENNIFER
And how did that make you feel?
78.
MARK
Good.
JENNIFER
(sweeping her hand over
the crowd)
Think how good it will feel to do
the same for all of these people.
Mark thinks this over.
MARK
Okay. But I need a few hours to get
my thoughts together.
JENNIFER
I'll go tell them.
MARK
Wait! Are you sure this is right?
JENNIFER
Of course it is. You know something
that's going to change mankind
forever. It's the most important
thing the world has ever heard.
Jennifer leaves the room. Mark, alone with his thoughts, sits
down at his kitchen table, pulls out a few sheets of paper,
grabs a pen and starts writing.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Mark's neighborhood is a sea of candles. The crowd has grown
beyond measure. A massive sea of people, all holding candles,
all waiting quietly like serene cows for Mark to come down
and make his announcement.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mark is hunched over his table writing. There's a knock at
the front door. Greg walks in with a large pizza and beer.
GREG
I brought pizza. How come you never
told me we all get mansions?
MARK
I didn't...
79.
Jennifer comes out of the bedroom and quickly "shhh's" Greg.
GREG
Inventing the bicycle is one thing,
but this...
JENNIFER
Shut up. Let him work.
Jennifer pulls Greg away from Mark. Mark goes back to work.
TIME CUT: LATER
Mark puts down his pencil and places both written sheets next
to each other. He has finished.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mark opens the door. Jennifer and Greg are on his bed
watching T.V. The same newscaster stands outside the
building.
NEWSCASTER (ON T.V)
In Seoul Korea, they wait. In Rome,
Italy, they wait. In London,
England, they wait. In New York
City, they wait. The world has come
to a standstill, everyone at their
televisions and radios, or here on
this lawn, waiting for Mark
Bellison to come forth and tell the
people what he knows.
Mark waves his manuscript in the air.
MARK
I'm done.
Jennifer and Greg jumps off the bed.
JENNIFER
Are you ready?
MARK
I guess.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
They head towards the door.
80.
MARK
I feel like I should be reading
these off of something other than
just notebook paper. I wish they
were like, written on large tablets
or even just nicer paper or
something.
Greg grabs an empty pizza box off of the counter, rips it
into two pieces and tapes his two pages onto them.
Mark holds the two halves of the pizza boxes awkwardly and
nods his head.
MARK
Feels better.
Mark looks at Jennifer and Greg with fear in his eyes.
JENNIFER
Just tell them what you know
GREG
Good luck out there, man.
EXT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
OTS of Newscaster cameraman. The newscaster is interviewing a
young man, with Mark's apartment building in the background.
YOUNG MAN
I heard that he said we all get
mansions, and that there's even
ponies.
NEWSCASTER
(to cameraman)
Ponies. Mansions. Ice Cream. These
are the things we can all expect
when we die. What else can we
expect? We won't know until Mark
Bellison steps out of that...
YOUNG MAN
(SHOUTING)
THERE HE IS!
Mark cracks open the front door and steps out onto his front
steps, with Jennifer right behind him. The newscaster and
cameraman run to get into position.
Mark looks out at the sea of people staring silently at him,
waiting for answers.
81.
MARK
Hello.
A man runs up and hands Mark a microphone.
MARK
Oh, thanks.
His voice echoes through the neighborhood.
MARK
Wow.
You could hear a pin drop. No one is even breathing.
MARK
So. I guess you've all heard the
things I told my grandmother last
night and... I understand why
you're here.
(PAUSE)
I know... some things. Some very
important things. And I'm going to
share these things with you now.
Intercut throughout: different video feeds, people listening
to radios, standing in the cold watching TV's through store
windows -- all around the world.
Mark takes a deep breath and holds up his "pizza box
commandments".
MARK
Everything you want to know is
written here. On this old pizza
box.
Mark looks out at the crowd, all of them so hopeful, so
needy. Mark looks back at Jennifer and Greg who give him a
proud nod.
MARK
(READING)
Number one: There is a man who
lives in the sky who controls
everything. Number two...
MAN #1
(interrupting; shouting)
Whoa, whoa whoa. What does he look
like?
Mark wasn't prepared for questions.
82.
MARK
(STRUGGLING)
Tall. Big hands. A good head of
hair.
WOMAN #1
What ethnicity is he?
MARK
(making it up as he goes)
He's a new ethnicity. It's like a
mix of all of our ethnicities.
MAN #2
Does he live on a cloud?
MAN #3
Can we see him?
MARK
(becoming confident)
No. He lives much higher than the
clouds, too high to see.
WOMAN #2
So he lives in space?
MARK
No, not that high.
MAN #3
So you mean the Thermosphere?
MARK
Look, people I got a lot to get
through here. I'm just telling you
what I know: Man. Lives in the sky.
You can't see him. Controls
everything. Cool?
Everyone nods.
MARK
Number two: When you die you don't
disappear into an eternity of
nothingness. Instead, you go to a
really great place.
(PAUSE)
Number three: In that place every
person will get a mansion.
MAN #4
What kind of mansion?
83.
MARK
I don't know. Whatever kind of
mansion you're thinking of right
now.
WOMAN #3
Oh no! I wasn't thinking of a
mansion!
A lot of people echo this sentiment.
MAN #5
Shit! I was thinking of a horrible
mansion!
MARK
Look, it's the best mansion you can
think of, not just now, but ever.
Whatever the best mansion for you
can possibly be, that's the one
you'll get.
(CONTINUING)
Number four: When you die, all the
people you love will be there too.
MAN #6
Will they have their own mansions?
MARK
Yes, of course. Everyone gets a
mansion.
MAN #6
What if I want them to live in my
mansion?
MARK
If they want to live with you, they
can leave their mansion and live in
yours.
MAN #6
What happens to their mansion?
MARK
I don't know, it goes back on the
market.
WOMAN #4
What about the people I hate? Will
they be there too?
MARK
No.
84.
WOMAN #4
Where are they?
MARK
Okay, they're probably there, but
you'll never see them. They're far
off, too far for you to get there.
WOMAN #4
But what if they try to find me?
MARK
They won't. They hate you too.
WOMAN #4
But what if they don't? What if
they love me but I hate them?
MARK
Well then you're just... you'll
both be fine with it. There's only
love there, okay?
(CONTINUING)
Number five: When you die there
will be free ice cream. All day.
All night. Whatever flavor you can
think of.
WOMAN #5
What, even bad flavors?
MARK
But why would you eat bad flavors?
WOMAN #5
Well, you just said every flavor I
can think of.
MAN #8
Oh no, I just thought about vanilla
and skunks!
MARK
Well don't eat it then!
WOMAN #6
I've just thought the chocolate
sauce is diarrhea!
MARK
Well don't put it on then! What's
wrong with you people? I mean...
(CONTINUING)
(MORE)
85.
MARK (cont'd)
Number six: If you do bad things
you won't get to go to this great
place when you die.
MAN #9
Where will you go?
MARK
A terrible place. The worst place
imaginable.
A rumble of terror moves through the crowd.
WOMAN #7
What constitutes a bad thing?
MARK
Murder. Crime. Rape. Things like
that.
WOMAN #7
You have to tell us all the things
or else we might do them and it
wouldn't be our fault!
The whole crowd echoes this sentiment.
MARK
Fine.
MAN #9
Is punching someone bad?
MARK
Yes.
MAN #9
What if they're trying to hurt you?
MARK
Then it's fine.
WOMAN #7
Is cursing bad?
MARK
No.
WOMAN #1
What about being late for work?
86.
MARK
That's fine too. I mean, you might
lose your job if your boss doesn't
like it, but it won't effect what
happens after you die.
WOMAN #2
What about if you forget to feed
your dog?
MARK
That also is fine. Unless the dog
dies. Then it's bad.
MAN #1
If you do just one bad thing do you
go to the bad place?
MARK
No. You get...
(thinking about it)
... three chances. If you do three
bad things you're out.
MAN #1
Like baseball!
MARK
Kind of, yes.
There's a hubbub throughout the crowd: "It's like baseball",
"I love baseball" "I'm scared of the bad place".
MARK
Any more?
About fifty people stand up and ask their questions at the
same time.
MARK
Look, can we just move on?
MAN #2
No! We have to know everything
that's bad!
MARK
Fine. Let's start with you...
(POINTING)
MAN #3
Is it bad to wear pants?
87.
Mark sighs.
DISSOLVE TO:
INSERT: "SIX HOURS LATER"
MARK
No. There's no hairstyle that will
put you in the bad place. Like I've
told you, the main things are
hurting people physically on
purpose, taking people's stuff,
doing things to people they don't
want done, killing people on
purpose. Okay? Are we good?
The crowd nods apprehensively. Many of the people in the
crowd are crying.
One of the crying men, shaking like a leaf, stands up, with
terror in his eyes.
CRYING MAN
(SHAMEFUL)
I've done many of those bad things.
Is there anything I can do to not
go to the bad place? Help me, I'm
so scared.
MARK
Well, you didn't know about these
bad things until I told you just
now so you're fine.
MAN #8
(CRYING)
Am I fine?
WOMAN #5
(CRYING)
What about me?
Tons of people shout similar sentiments.
MARK
You're all fine! I'm only talking
about people who do bad things
starting right now. Everyone else
is fine.
The crowd erupts in a massive cheer. People hug each other
passionately, wiping tears from their eyes.
88.
MARK
(READING)
Number seven: The man in the sky
who controls everything decides if
you go to the good place or the bad
place. He also decides who lives
and who dies.
MAN #4
Does he cause natural disasters?
MARK
Yes.
WOMAN #3
Did he cause my mom to get cancer?
MARK
Yes.
WOMAN #4
Did he cause that tree to land on
my car last week?
MARK
Yes.
The crowd is quiet for a long beat....they're mulling this
over. The first man to speak is a blue collar guy with a
thick Brooklyn accent.
BLUE COLLAR GUY
I say fuck the guy that lives in
the sky!
The whole crowd erupts in agreement. People stand up
shouting, flicking off the sky.
MAN #5
Yeah! That guy's a fucking asshole!
WOMAN #5
That motherfucker better hope I
never see him face to face!
MAN #6
That guy's a fucking coward! Hiding
up there and doing bad shit to us!
Why doesn't he do it to our faces?
WOMAN #6
We need to stop that motherfucker
before he kills us all!
89.
Mark looks worried. He didn't anticipate this. Suddenly a
thought occurs to him.
MARK
(SHOUTING)
WAIT!
Everyone quiets down.
MARK
This guy who lives in the sky and
controls everything is also
responsible for all the good stuff
that happens.
The whole crowd "aaaahhs".
MAN #7
He's the guy who saved my life on
that fishing trip when the boat
capsized?
MARK
Yup.
MAN #7
Did he capsize the boat?
MARK
Well, yes.
WOMAN #7
He's the one who killed my
grandmother and left me those
millions of dollars?
MARK
You betcha.
WOMAN #3
So is he the same one who cured my
mom's cancer?
MARK
That too.
The crowd thinks this over.
MAN #8
So he's kind of a good guy, but
he's also kind of a prick too?
90.
MARK
Right. But check this out:
(CONTINUING)
Number eight: Even if the man in
the sky does bad shit to you, he
makes it up to you by giving you an
eternity of good stuff after you
die.
The crowd "aaahhs" again.
WOMAN #1
As long as you don't do any of the
bad stuff you listed, right?
MARK
Right. Of course.
WOMAN #2
So it's kind of a test?
MARK
Yes. Right.
(PAUSE)
Well, that's it. That's everything
I know.
Mark looks out at the crowd, they're all exhausted, their
minds completely blown. The Nurse who started this all steps
forward.
NURSE #1
How do you know these things?
MARK
(THINKING)
The man in the clouds told me.
NURSE #1
Yeah, but how come we're just
learning these things now, millions
of years into our existence?
MARK
I don't know, he forgot or
something. I gotta go people, good
night!
Mark takes Jennifer by the hand and pulls her back inside his
building.
91.
INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LOBBY - NIGHT
Mark, Jennifer and Greg wait for the elevator, all of them
exhausted.
MARK
You think that went well?
The doors open and they get inside. All three of them stare
ahead, Mark looking exhausted, Jennifer and Greg with their
minds completely blown... as the doors close and we
FADE TO:
MONTAGE
Spinning magazines and newspaper headlines proclaim "Mansion
for Everyone (almost)", "NASA searching for Man in the Sky",
"Finally -- A Reason to Do Good", "Time: Man of the Year:
Mark Bellison", "Mansion Prices Plummet Worldwide", "Cult of
Bellison Await Further Answers", "Man in Sky Murders forty-
two in Earthquake", "Man in Sky Continues to Give AIDS to
Babies", "Workplace Productivity down Fourteen Percent --
Everyone Daydreaming About Mansions".
Mark is at Lecture Films turning in the script for "The Black
Plague" to Anthony. Rob gives Mark a dirty look as he passes
him in the hall.
Mark, smiling proudly, stands behind the camera while Nathan
Goldfrappe reads his script. In the background are Jennifer
and Greg, hanging out on set. Jennifer can be seen chatting
with Rob by craft services.
Mark removes the "For Sale" sign from the front yard of a
brand new, beautiful home. Jennifer and Greg congratulate
Mark enthusiastically.
Mark and Jennifer are walking down the street together when
Mark stops to point out a new building with a sign that
reads, "A Quiet Place To Think About the Man in the Sky". The
building boasts a large stained glass window portraying Mark
holding the two halves of the pizza box.
Mark, Jennifer and Greg laugh it up in a stretch limousine as
it pulls up to the movie premier of "The Black Plague".
Mark, Jennifer and Greg walk the red carpet at the premier of
"The Black Plague". Mark is the center of attention. Rob
stops by on the red carpet to say hello to Jennifer and
whisper something into her ear. Jennifer laughs.
92.
Mark and Jennifer have dinner together, the best of friends,
but as they cheers their champagne glasses there is a tinge
of sadness in Mark's eyes.
END MONTAGE
DISSOLVE TO:
SCREEN READS: "TWO MONTHS LATER"
INT. MARK'S MANSION - DEN - EVENING
A disheveled Mark, unshaven and sloppy looking, sits in a
reclining chair, wearing boxers and a bathrobe, drinking a
beer. Beer cans are littered everywhere.
A young gay man in a suit stands before him with a pad and a
pen writing down everything Mark says.
MARK
So then the flying duck flew all
the way to Alaska where it met up
with a polar bear who could talk.
And the polar bear's name was
Martin. And the polar bear was
wearing a green cape. And Martin
and the flying duck both had race
cars with their names printed on
the side and...
Jennifer enters the room, upset.
JENNIFER
I just saw three people climbing
the fence into your backyard. You
really need to think about getting
better security.
(noticing beer cans
EVERYWHERE)
Mark, how many of those have you
had?
Jennifer grabs the beer out of Mark's hand.
MARK
(continuing; glaring at
JENNIFER)
But then the evil goblin witch came
in and stole the flying duck's race
car and made the flying duck very
angry.
(grabbing at his beer)
(MORE)
93.
MARK (cont'd)
Luckily the Polar Bear was there to
snatch the race car back...
(But he misses)
Unfortunately, the witch was a
smart witch and the polar bear was
powerless.
ASSISTANT
Is that the end?
MARK
Yeah.
ASSISTANT
That's a strange ending.
MARK
Hey, don't look at me: it's the Man
in the Sky's story.
ASSISTANT
You want me to take this over to
Lecture Films?
MARK
Yeah. Tell them to shoot that one
this week.
The assistant walks away.
MARK
(YELLING)
Tell them it's for kids!
Jennifer glares at Mark, disappointed.
MARK
What?
JENNIFER
You haven't left the house in
weeks. Every time I come by you're
just sitting here writing down
stories you get from the Man in the
Sky.
MARK
Hey, he's the boss.
JENNIFER
Don't you think you should go
outside sometime? You know there's
about five thousand people on our
lawn waiting to ask you questions.
94.
MARK
Yeah, yeah.
Jennifer sits down next to him.
JENNIFER
What's with you? You seem sad.
Mark shrugs.
JENNIFER
I don't get it. You're a very
successful writer, you've won
countless awards and Oscars...
Jennifer waves towards a shelf full of Oscars and various
other awards.
JENNIFER
You've changed the way people see
the world, the way they see death
and life. You've made the entire
world happy.
MARK
Not the entire world.
JENNIFER
I know. Not you. The one person who
should be happy, the person who has
everything...
MARK
(INTERRUPTING)
Not everything.
JENNIFER
What else do you want?
Mark sits up in his chair and looks right at Jennifer.
MARK
I'd trade it all in for you. All of
it.
Jennifer sighs and sits down beside him.
JENNIFER
Well, you've got me. As a friend.
MARK
(not sarcastic)
Yeah. That's important.
(MORE)
95.
MARK (cont'd)
But why can't we be together. Why
can't you be with me?
JENNIFER
Because of the whole snub nosed
thing. With kids, your genetics.
You know, fat, short...
MARK
(stopping her)
Yeah. Okay. Yup.
(PAUSE)
It's almost a shame that being rich
and powerful and famous doesn't
change your genetics.
JENNIFER
What?
MARK
It would be great if it changed
your genetic material because I
really love you but I just don't...
Suddenly Mark has an idea. He looks right at Jennifer.
MARK
It does change your genetics.
Jennifer lights up.
JENNIFER
Does it?
Mark stares at her for a short beat. He can't go through with
it.
MARK
No. No, it doesn't. Our kids would
be short and fat with little snub
noses.
JENNIFER
Right. Too bad.
(PAUSE)
Anyway, I've come to tell you I
can't go to the movies with you
tonight.
MARK
Why not?
JENNIFER
I've got a date.
96.
MARK
What? With who?
JENNIFER
Rob Marlowe.
Mark stands up.
MARK
You've got to be fucking... Rob
Marlowe?!? He's a complete and
total asshole.
JENNIFER
Not to me. He's very sweet and kind
to me.
MARK
Well of course he is, look at you.
I mean, for fuck's sake, a shark
would be nice to you...
JENNIFER
It would?
MARK
Well no, I mean...
(PAUSE)
Don't go out with him.
JENNIFER
Why not? He's a great match for me.
MARK
What's he got that I don't?
JENNIFER
We talked about this. If you and I
got together it wouldn't be fair to
our kids. They have the right to be
attractive and have good genes.
(PAUSE)
If Rob and I get married You can
move into our mansion with us when
we all die.
MARK
I don't want to move into your
fucking mansion. And what are you
doing thinking about marriage with
him already? You haven't even gone
on one date.
Mark sits down.
97.
MARK
It's like nothing's changed.
JENNIFER
A lot of things have changed. I
wish you could be happy.
There's a knock at the front door.
JENNIFER
That's him. Gotta go.
MARK
He's picking you up here?
JENNIFER
It was his idea.
Mark stands up, in shock and follows Jennifer to the front
door. She opens the door to find Rob looking handsome and
arrogant.
ROB
What's up? Wow, I can't wait to
have sex with you.
Rob notices Mark in his boxers and a bathrobe.
ROB
Oh hey there, Mark. You look like
trash.
(to Jennifer)
Come on Jennifer, let's go have
some fun. And then have some sex.
Jennifer turns back to Mark, sad that he's upset.
JENNIFER
I'll call you tomorrow.
The door closes and Mark is left standing there alone.
Greg, dressed in a bathrobe and looking even more slovenly
than Mark, waddles up behind him.
GREG
Who was that?
EXT. MARK'S MANSION - POOLSIDE - NIGHT
Mark and Greg are shit-faced, sitting around Mark's giant
swimming pool.
98.
MARK
Hey, watch this.
(yelling over the fence)
HEY PEOPLE!
About forty voices shout back: "He's talking to us!" "Maybe
he has more answers!" "Finally!"
MARK
The man in the sky just told me
something!
Mark snickers to himself. Greg, drunk and stupid, can't help
but snicker too.
MARK
You're all gay!
Mark and Greg explode laughing. From the other side of the
fence we can hear people mumbling shock. "I am gay." "I
always knew it." "This is going to be awkward for my
husband."
MARK
And adopted!
Mark and Greg almost roll into the pool they're laughing so
hard. The people on the other side of the fence aren't
laughing: "Who's my real mother?", "This explains so much",
"Dad, why didn't you tell me?"
GREG
I don't know why we're laughing.
It's really probably very sad for
those people.
MARK
I'm gettin' a beer.
Mark hobbles up and walks into the house. Moments later he
emerges with two cokes.
MARK
Out of beer. Just Coke.
Mark tosses Greg a Coke and sits down on his chaise lounge,
cracking open his Coke and taking a sip.
MARK
I want to do something big again.
Like telling the people what
happens when they die. That felt
good. I gotta do something big like
that again.
99.
GREG
Maybe the Man in the Sky will tell
you something new.
MARK
Maybe.
Mark looks down at his can of Coke.
CLOSE ON COKE CAN: The warning label is extremely long and
written in very small type. It starts with, "COKE IS VERY BAD
FOR YOU. The following are diseases, physical ailments and
general health issues that coke might cause:"
The label then goes on to list dozens of ailments. Mark's
eyes scan down to the very bottom of the label where it says
simply, "If you still want to drink Coke, do so at your own
risk."
Mark looks over to find Greg staring at the depressing label
as well.
GREG
Ugh, this shit is so bad for you. I
really shouldn't drink this.
Mark stares at this label for a moment, thinking. With his
hand he covers everything on the label except for "Please
Enjoy Coke."
He smiles widely.
MARK
Hey, Greg. What if I told you that
drinking Coke was good for you?
Greg turns to him, his face full of hope.
MARK
And not just Coke. But all the
delicious foods you're not supposed
to eat. What if they were all of a
sudden really, really good for you?
GREG
It would be the happiest day of my
life.
CUT TO:
100.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
A dozen high powered executives from all over the globe sit
around a massive board room table. The head seat at the table
is unoccupied.
They mumble back and forth to each other, unsure why they're
there.
Mark bursts into the room in a suit, looking very manicured.
MARK
Gentleman, thank you all for coming
here on such short notice. I have
some very big news for you all
today.
EXECUTIVE #1
Is it from the Man in the Sky?
MARK
Nope, this one I came up with all
on my own. And it's going to change
the way you all do business...
forever.
Mark hits a button and a projection screen comes down on the
far wall. Mark starts a slide show.
MARK
Up until now, all products sold
worldwide have warning labels
printed on them. Warnings like
these.
SERIES OF SLIDES: We see the same warning we just saw on the
Coke can, a commercial jet with "This Plane Might Crash --
Four Of Our Other Ones Did" printed on its side, a car
dashboard light reading "This Car will Ignite Upon Impact -
Always", and a sticker on a grocery store package of ground
meat that reads "Injected with hormones that make it taste
better -- but will eventually give you cancer".
MARK
As you can see, a lot of these
products can be very depressing.
They remind people of all the
horrible things that can happen to
them in life. People hate thinking
about horrible things.
EXECUTIVE #2
Yeah, but they have to know those
things.
(MORE)
101.
EXECUTIVE #2 (cont'd)
They have to be able to protect
themselves.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Especially now that I know about
the "bad place".
Everyone in the room shudders.
MARK
Hear me out, fellas. Allow me to
introduce you to the future of your
companies.
Mark changes the slide to a can of coke that simple reads,
"Coke -- Tastes Great! And It's Good For You!"
Everyone in the room "ahhhs".
EXECUTIVE #3
Where can I get some of that
healthy coke?
MARK
It's the same Coke as before.
The executives all squint their eyes.
EXECUTIVE #4
But this one is healthy! And it
tastes great!
EXECUTIVE #1
Do you have any samples?
MARK
Guys, it's the same Coke on the
inside. I've just changed the
outside.
EXECUTIVE #1
(REVELATION)
Somehow by changing the outside,
he's also changed the inside!
Everyone "aaahs" in understanding. Mark sighs and changes the
slide to that of a commercial airliner with the words
"Completely Safe" writing on the outside.
EXECUTIVE #2
Oh, thank goodness. I've always
hated flying!
EXECUTIVE #3
Me too!
102.
EXECUTIVE #4
What an invention! How did you do
it?
MARK
I didn't do anything, guys. I made
this on my computer last night. The
plane is exactly the same as it was
before.
Nobody in the room gets it.
EXECUTIVE #1
That's the only plane I'll ever fly
on again!
MARK
That's the point here guys. With
these new advertising strategies,
people will buy your products with
abandon.
EXECUTIVE #2
But it will take years to replace
all of our stock with these new
improved products you've invented.
MARK
No. It won't. All you have to do is
print these words on the packaging.
That's it.
Mark changes the slide again: The car dashboard light now
reads, "This Car Prevents Crashes", and another slide that
shows a package of meat with a sticker reading, "This Meat
Actually Cures Cancer".
MARK
Even if you don't understand it,
just start shipping these products
out to people as you see them here
and you're all going to get very,
very rich.
EXECUTIVE #3
How did you do it?
MARK
Look, they're still the same
products you have on the shelves
right now. The only difference now
is that people won't get bummed out
or scared when they use them. Isn't
that a good thing?
103.
The executives all nod their heads in agreement and rise to
shake Mark's hand.
MARK
Gentleman, if you'll excuse me, I
have five thousand gay orphans on
my front lawn that are going
bananas.
Mark exits.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SUPER MARKET - DAY
We follow a suburban housewife as she pushes her shopping
cart through the aisles of a bright and shiny super market.
She picks up a six pack of Coke and notices the label: "New
Coke -- It Tastes Great! And it's Good For You!"
The housewife smiles widely and enthusiastically tosses it in
her cart.
SERIES OF CUTS: The housewife grabbing different products,
marveling at the new, improved features: "Cures Sadness!",
"Tastes Better than Real Chicken!", "This Candy is All Your
Body Needs To Survive!"
With a full cart the housewife wheels it to the checkout
counter to find swarms of people already there, all of their
carts bursting to the brim with new, exciting products.
Everyone looks excited and happy.
INT. BAR - MORNING
Back at his old stomping ground, Mark sits at the bar by
himself drinking coffee and watching the TV.
Greg sits next to him, with two boxes of cookies and a liter
of coke in front of him.
Different newspapers are spread out on the bar, all of them
with similar headlines, "World Rocked By New Healthy
Products", "People Everywhere Line up for Guilt-Free Treats",
"YOU CAN EAT CAKE -- ALL THE TIME!".
ANGLE ON TV: A FAT MAN is being interviewed in front of a
super market, he holds a bag full of junk food in front of
him.
104.
FAT MAN
Thank the Man in the Sky for this.
I've never been happier in my life.
Now I can eat whatever I want,
whenever I want.
The man takes a bite of a Twinkie and wavers a bit like he's
going to pass out.
REPORTER
Are you all right, sir?
The man steadies himself.
FAT MAN
Yeah. I must just be real happy. It
says on the wrapper that they help
boost your happiness.
The man smiles, but he's obviously not feeling well.
BACK ON MARK
He's watching the TV with a bit of worry on his face. He
turns to Greg who is eating a stack of cookies and washing it
down by gulping from a liter of coke.
MARK
You should slow down there, Greg.
GREG
Why's that?
MARK
Just because the package says it's
not bad for you doesn't mean you
have to gorge yourself on it.
GREG
But it tastes so good.
Greg shoves three more cookies into his mouth.
MARK
That's just stupid.
GREG
No it's not.
Greg holds up the package of cookies and points to the
disclaimer which reads, "These cookies make you smarter".
GREG
See?
105.
Mark sighs.
GREG
You look sad. Here, have a brownie.
They'll cheer you up.
Greg hands Mark a brownie that, sure enough, says "They'll
cheer you up!" right on the package.
MARK
I wish that worked for me, Greg.
GREG
What?
MARK
Nevermind. I'll see you around.
Mark gets up and leaves.
INT. MARK'S CAR -- DAY
Mark drives while we take in a bit of his world, highlighting
the various changes he's wrought.
A homeless man stands on the street corner with a sign that
now reads, "Screw it. I'll be in my mansion soon." He has a
big smile on his face.
The same business man pulls up beside Mark's car, this time
eating a giant donut and talking loudly into his cell phone.
BUSINESS MAN
I'm not talking to anyone on my
cell phone. But from a distance I
look very important and busy.
At a red light Mark eavesdrops on the same arguing couple.
GIRLFRIEND
No, I won't move into your mansion
with you when we die. You're really
smothering me.
BOYFRIEND
The more you push me away, the more
attracted I am to you.
A bus passes in front of Mark's car. The ad now reads,
"Pepsi. Just As Good as Coke."
A car honks behind Mark. The man leans out of his car and
yells at Mark.
106.
HONKING MAN
Move it, fatty!
As the man passes him, he looks at Mark and pulls up beside
him.
HONKING MAN
Hey you're Mark Bellison!
MARK
Yeah. So are you going to
apologize?
HONKING MAN
For what?
The honking man speeds away.
INT. GRAVEYARD - AFTERNOON
Mark sits in front of the gravesite of his grandmother.
ANGLE ON: Her tombstone which reads, "Martha Bellison 1918-
2007. Lived an average life for a woman in her time."
MARK
Nothing's really changed. I gave
people the Man in the Sky, made
myself rich and successful, told
the world they can eat whatever
they want and feel good about it.
Everyone's happy but me. Because
I'm the only one who knows it
all... isn't. I made it all up.
(PAUSE)
You're not up there living in a
mansion. You're right here. In the
ground. That's all. And I'm the
only one who knows that.
(PAUSE)
And the one thing I want I can't
have. Because the world is too
stupid to change. The world only
cares about what they can see, and
what they can know, and what
they're used to and what... makes
sense. No one listens to what they
really want. And that's why I'll
always just be a loser, grandma.
And that's why I'll always be
alone.
FADE TO:
107.
INT. MARK'S MANSION - KITCHEN - NIGHT
With a beer bottle in his hand Mark searches through his
kitchen drawers for a bottle opener. He opens a drawer and
something catches his eye.
ANGLE ON: The envelope which reads, "MY INVENTION".
Slowly Mark pulls it out of the drawer and stares at it.
The sound of his front door opening startles him and Mark
shoves the envelope into his back pocket.
MARK
Who's there?
JENNIFER (O.S.)
It's me. Can I come in?
MARK
Sure.
Jennifer enters the kitchen.
MARK
Haven't seen you much lately.
JENNIFER
I know. I've been busy with work
and things. And I'm getting
married. That's why I came over.
To tell you.
Mark nods.
MARK
Don't do it.
JENNIFER
The wedding is tomorrow.
Jennifer pulls out an invitation, Mark waves it away.
JENNIFER
I hope you'll come.
Mark shrugs and Jennifer puts the invitation back in her
purse.
MARK
No point really.
108.
JENNIFER
It would make me happy. Being
around you makes me happy.
Mark turns towards her.
MARK
So don't marry him.
JENNIFER
I only have a few years to marry
someone with good genes and
financial stability so I can have
children and the family I've always
wanted. One day I'll be old and
wrinkly and ugly.
MARK
No you won't. Not to me you won't.
I love you. If you really love
someone it doesn't matter what they
look like.
JENNIFER
What do you mean?
MARK
Do me this favor. Just one favor.
Don't accept everything you see.
Don't just do something because
that's the way it's done.
JENNIFER
You're confusing me.
MARK
Think about what you want. Find out
what you really want. And if it's
not the same as what I want, well
then I'll know that and I'll never
darken your doorstep again.
(PAUSE)
I want you. What do you want?
Jennifer and Mark stare at each other for a long beat.
JENNIFER
I'm going to go.
MARK
Please don't. Will you just stay a
little bit longer? I don't want to
be alone. Just sit with me.
109.
Jennifer nods. Mark leads her into the living room and they
sit down far apart from each other on the couch. Mark turns
the TV on and they both sit in silence.
LATER.
Mark has fallen asleep on the couch. Jennifer checks her
watch and stands up. She takes out her wedding invitation and
lays it on the coffee table by Mark.
She unfolds a blanket and is about to place it on him when
she notices an envelope sticking out of his back pocket. She
pulls it out and looks at it.
JENNIFER
(READING)
My invention.
She opens the letter and begins to read. Once finished, she
folds up the letter and hurriedly leaves, scared and
confused.
DISSOLVE TO:
THE NEXT MORNING
Mark wakes up and sees Jennifer's wedding invitation on the
coffee table. He sighs.
INT. MARK'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING
Mark stands before the mirror, dressed in a suit, putting on
a tie.
Greg pokes his head into the room, dressed in a suit as well.
GREG
We're gonna be late.
EXT. "CHURCH" - DAY
The sign outside reads, "A QUITE PLACE TO THINK ABOUT THE MAN
IN THE SKY".
GREG
Makes sense people would start
getting married at these places. I
mean, who you marry decides who's
mansion you're going to live in one
day. It's a big decision.
110.
MARK
Yeah.
They enter the building.
INT. "CHURCH" - DAY
A small stage sits before a large stained glass window
portraying Mark holding the two halves of the pizza box.
Rob stands at the altar.
Mark and Greg take their seats amidst a crowd of people
sitting quietly in their chairs.
INT. "CHURCH" - BRIDAL ROOM - DAY
Jennifer sits in a small room in a beautiful white dress,
looking as beautiful as any woman has ever looked. She stares
absentmindedly out the window.
There's a knock at the door. JENNIFER'S MOTHER pokes her head
in.
JENNIFER'S MOTHER
It's time, dear.
Jennifer doesn't answer. We PUSH IN on Jennifer to see she's
clutching Mark's letter in her hand.
JENNIFER'S MOTHER
Jennifer?
JENNIFER
I don't feel all right.
JENNIFER'S MOTHER
What's wrong? Do you have food
poisoning?
JENNIFER
No. I don't think there's a word
for what I have.
INT. "CHURCH" - DAY
"Here's comes the Bride" plays over an organ and Jennifer
walks down the aisle towards a smiling Rob.
Mark watches her in awe, stunned by her beauty. Rob notices
Mark staring at Jennifer and mouths "loser" at him.
111.
Jennifer reaches the altar and stands across from Rob. The
WEDDING OVERSEER, an elderly man in a suit, stands between
them holding a few sheets of paper in his hand.
WEDDING OVERSEER
We are sitting here in this
building today to share in the
wedding of Rob and Jennifer. Two
young, attractive people who have
agreed that this union would be
mutually beneficial and that their
genetic match-up would most likely
produce favorable offspring and a
life of financial stability and
physical security.
Both Rob and Jennifer nod at each other.
WEDDING OVERSEER
Rob, do you promise to stay with
Jennifer for as long as you want to
and to protect your offspring for
as long as you can?
ROB
I do.
WEDDING OVERSEER
Jennifer, do you promise to stay
with Rob for as long as you want to
and to protect your offspring for
as long as you can?
Jennifer doesn't respond.
WEDDING OVERSEER
Jennifer?
JENNIFER
(to Overseer)
I'm sorry, hold on one second.
(to Rob)
Rob, can I ask you something?
There's a slight hubbub in the room. Mark perks up.
ROB
(CONCERNED)
Sure. But what are you doing?
JENNIFER
What color are my eyes?
112.
ROB
I dunno...
(LOOKING)
Oh, they're brown.
CLOSE ON Jennifer's eyes. Indeed, they are brown.
JENNIFER
No Rob, they're blue.
Rob looks again. Mark stirs in his seat, amazed by what he's
hearing.
ROB
Oh, look at that. So they are.
You've got pretty blue eyes.
PUSH IN on Jennifer. It works. Her mind is reeling.
ROB
Can we get on with this?
WEDDING OVERSEER
Jennifer, do you promise to stay
with Rob for as long as you want to
and to protect your offspring for
as long as you can?
Jennifer is confused. Her mind is fighting it, but she
doesn't know what exactly she's fighting. Finally...
JENNIFER
I do.
There is a sigh of relief from the room. Mark shakes his head
in sadness.
WEDDING OVERSEER
Before I pronounce these two man
and wife, is there anyone here who
thinks they'd offer either of these
people a better genetic match-up?
Mark bolts up in his chair.
MARK
Me.
The whole room gasps.
ROB
Oh come on. Look at you. You can't
be better.
113.
MARK
Yes I can. You've got shmuck genes.
ROB
Schmuck genes? What's that?
MARK
And I love her.
(to Jennifer)
Jennifer, don't marry him. Is this
what you really want?
JENNIFER
I don't know.
(pause; unsure)
Yes?
Mark thinks this over for a beat.
MARK
All right. I'm done. Goodbye.
Awkwardly Mark makes his way to the aisle and leaves the
room. The room is thick with tension.
ROB
Are we married yet? Because I've
got plans this afternoon.
EXT. "CHURCH" - DAY
Mark loosens his tie as he walks out of the building and
towards the street.
In the background we can see the "church" door open.
JENNIFER
(SHOUTING)
Hold on a minute!
Mark turns, confused and tired.
Jennifer runs to him. She stands before him, they both stare
at each other.
MARK
What?
Jennifer pulls out Mark's letter and shows it to him.
JENNIFER
I'm confused.
114.
MARK
So am I.
JENNIFER
Is any of it... the things you
said... are they... I can't think
of the word.
(PAUSE)
Is there a Man in the Sky?
MARK
No.
JENNIFER
Why'd you say there was?
MARK
Because I couldn't cope with the
look on my grandmother's face.
JENNIFER
But how could you say something
that... wasn't.
MARK
I'm not sure. I just did it.
JENNIFER
And what did you mean that I could
grow old and ugly and still be
beautiful to you?
MARK
I mean just that. You'll always be
beautiful to me.
JENNIFER
But what if my looks...
MARK
It doesn't matter.
JENNIFER
I feel funny.
MARK
Me too.
(PAUSE)
Everything is so hard. Nothing is
easy anymore.
There is a long moment of silence. Jennifer moves closer to
Mark and looks directly into his eyes.
115.
JENNIFER
I know what I want.
MARK
What?
JENNIFER
I want short, fat kids with little
snub noses.
The biggest smile we've ever seen comes across Mark's face.
MARK
(JUBILANTLY)
Easy! That's an easy one.
Just like she did the night on her couch, Jennifer reaches
over and puts her hand on Mark's wrist. They both stare at
each other for a long beat, holding hands, love beaming from
both of them.
The world is changing before their eyes.
JENNIFER
Does anyone else know about your
invention?
MARK
No. But I'm sure it won't be long.
JENNIFER
Should we tell them right away?
MARK
I'm not sure. I don't think
everyone will understand.
Greg sticks his head out of the church door.
GREG
What's going on out here?
Everyone's just sitting in there.
Are we gonna finish this wedding?
Jennifer smiles at Mark.
JENNIFER
Yes.
Mark smiles back.
MARK
Praise the Man in the Sky.
116.
WE RISE UP as Mark and Jennifer walk hand in hand towards the
church -- and an unknowable future.
NARRATOR
The world's last moment of honesty.
A monumental occasion in the
history of mankind.
(PAUSE)
That lowly writer who stumbled upon
the ability to lie went on to
become one of the most important
men of his age, married to one of
the most beautiful women of his
time, and passed on the lying gene
to generations to come.
(PAUSE)
A world without honesty is a world
with dreams. A world with pretense.
A world with fiction. A world with
flattery. And most importantly, a
world with true love. Put simply, a
world very much like our own.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
