IN THE LOOP
Written by
Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell,
Armando Iannucci & Tony Roche
1 EXT. 10 DOWNING STREET LONDON - MORNING 1
MALCOLM TUCKERS, government director of communications,
is arriving early.
2 INT. NUMBER TEN CORRIDOR/MALCOLM'S OFFICE - MORNING 2
A CIVIL SERVANT hands Malcolm a CD.
CIVIL SERVANT
Monitoring. All the usual.
MALCOLM
How did your team do at the weekend?
CIVIL SERVANT
Yeah, alright. We won.
MALCOLM
Great.
(to himself)
Wanker.
Malcolm reaches his office. His assistant SAM is there.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Sam. Morning.
He hands her the CD and she puts it into a CD player.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Well, pop pickers....what Shall we start
with today? Wonky Ron....or Simon Foster,
on the PM programme for the BBC.
Malcolm starts listening to the recording of Simon on the
radio.
EDDIE MAIR (ON RADIO)
Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, the
Minister for International development.
Thank you for joining us.
MALCOLM
Here we go.
EDDIE MAIR
You've been in the job now for eighteen
months, do you think you're making
headway?
SIMON
(v/o on radio)
Ah. Yes I do. You'd expect me to say that
I suppose.
Page 1
3 INT. DIFED OPEN PLAN OFFICE. DAY 3
Judy Malloy, the Department's Press Officer, is preparing
for her minister's arrival.
JUDY
Mark, are you co-ordinating that
millenium goals press release?
MARK
Yes.
JUDY
Well co-ordinate it better.
MARK
Yes, can do.
JUDY
Is that the Minister? Bloody nail - has
anyone got a nail file?
4 INT. DFID OPEN PLAN OFFICE. DAY. 4
SIMON is arriving with JUDY. Simon carrying his red
dispatch box. Simon's worried.
SIMON
Have we heard anything from Malcolm about
last night's interview?
JUDY
No not yet.
SIMON
Perhaps he didn't hear it.
JUDY
Or maybe he's dead.
SIMON
(with a degree of genuine
hope)
He might be dead. He might have had that
massive stroke we've all been waiting
for. It's in the post.
5 INT. MALCOLM'S OFFICE. DAY. 5
SIMON (ON RADIO)
...preventable sickness in many of the
poorest countries round the world....and
Of course the big one is diarrhoea, which
is a major, major issue....
Page 2
5 CON TINUE D: 5
MALCOLM
Diarrhoea? I mean, this is the minister
for International Development. He should
be talking about food parcels, not
fucking arse-spraying mayhem.
SAM laughs.
SIMON (ON RADIO)
And so if we can tackle the easy things,
like diarrhoea, then we can.....
MALCOLM
Oh yes, say it again. Very good. What is
this, The Shitting Forecast?
SIMON (ON RADIO)
...and then hopefully that will strike
another blow in the war against
preventable diseases.
EDDIE MAIR
You mentioned the word `war"
MALCOLM is paying extremely close attention now.
MALCOLM
Steady Eddie...
SIMON (ON RADIO)
Against preventable diseases, yes....
EDDIE MAIR (ON RADIO)
Yes. All the evidence now points to a US
military intervention in the Middle East.
Is that you view?
SIMON (ON RADIO)
Well....personally, I think that war is
unforseeable.
MALCOLM
Sam! Sam!
EDDIE MAIR (ON RADIO)
Unforseeable?
SIMON (ON RADIO)
Yes.
MALCOLM
NO YOU DO NOT THINK THAT! Sam! I'm going
to have to go over to International
Development, and pull Simon Foster's
fucking hair.
Page 3
6 EXT. 10 DOWNING STREET LONDON. DAY. 6
MALCOLM emerges into the street. On the phone.
MALCOLM
He did not say "unforseeable'. You may
have heard him say it, but he did not say
that, and that is a fact.
7 INT. DFI OPEN PLAN OFFICE. DAY. 7
JUDY
He'll want you to row back from the
`unforeseeable' thing on Question Time
tonight.
SIMON
On Question Time, you know the funny
question they always ask at the end?
JUDY
Yes?
SIMON
I think we should prep that now. I'd like
to shine on the funny question, cos I'm a
funny guy. With a light touch.
SIMON deposits his briafcase. Judy finds some clippings,
returns.
JUDY
There's this guy, he's a property tycoon.
He's bought a South Sea Island. It might
be something like that, you know. "If you
had to spend the rest of your life on a
desert island, who would it be with?"
SIMON
Ah. Well, I can't say my wife, because I
haven't got one, and I can't say my
girlfriend, because I haven't got one of
those either.
JUDY
And don't say Mandela, that's...
SIMON
No. Boring. And a bloke.
JUDY
Or Keira Knightley.
SIMON
Well, that's a good idea.
Page 4
7 CON TINUE D: 7
JUDY
Pervert. Sex. Minister.
SIMON
I don't think so.
JUDY
People don't want to know.
8 EXT. STREET NEAR WHITEHALL. DAY. 8
Toby and Suzy walking to work together.
SUZY
Did you take the washing out of the
machine?
TOBY
No.
SUZY
What do you mean, no?
TOBY
No. I didn't take the washing out of the
machine.
SUZY
It's going to go really stale.
TOBY
It'll be fine.
SUZY
It's not fine. By the time...
TOBY
It is fine. I'll wear stale pants.
SUZY
I don't want to go out with some who
wears stale pants.
TOBY
Well, there we go. I could go commando,
but I don't think that's acceptable in
government.
SUZY
(Disgusted)
Please. So: got everything you need for
your first day in International
Development?
Page 5
8 CON TINUE D: 8
TOBY
Oh Yes. It's all here. My massive
intellect. And an apple for Simon Foster.
SUZY
Simon Fluster.
TOBY
Don't say that, I'm rebranding him.
SUZY
Well he was crap on the radio last night.
He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up
its arse.
TOBY
Well I'm going to sort that out. After a
week I'll have him sounding like a
chicken without a wasp up its arse.
SUZY
Have a good day, good luck honey.
TOBY
Have a good day at the Foreign Office.
Try not to annoy Russia.
SUZY
I'll give you a call later. Keep your
phone on. Bye.
TOBY
Yeah, alright.
SUZY
Oh and be careful - cars!
They walk off in separate directions.
9 MORNING/INT. MICHAEL'S FO OFFICE - MORNING 9
Toby is walking towards DFID. As he nears the building he
finds himself next to Malcolm, who is heading in too.
Toby is on the phone.
INTERCUT PHONE CALL:
TOBY
Are you going to keep ringing me up every
two minutes, because you're starting to
remind me of my mum. And that could lead
to all sorts of erectile dysfunction.
Suzy is still in the FO office.
Page 6
9 CON TINUE D: 9
SUZY
I'm just checking whether you put last
night's lasagne in the fridge.
In the FO office, MICHAEL arrives. He has a small
suitcase and a paper bag. He holds this up.
MICHAEL
(mouthing)
Croissants!
Back with Malcolm, Toby close by. Malc's on the phone.
MALCOLM
No. You're fine to go ahead and print
that. It's lies, you'd be lying, but go
ahead. He did not say unforeseeable. No
he did not. Oh, just before you go --
when I tell your wife about you and
Angela Heaney at the Blackpool
conference...would email be better? Or a
phone call? Or, hey I know, I'll write it
on a cake, "Your hack husband betrayed
you on the 4th of October, and
congratulations on the new baby" in those
little silver balls. (BEAT) Yeah, maybe
best to spike it? Okay. Fuckity-bye!
Toby is now next to Malcolm in the building (or better
still, in a lift). Malcolm becomes aware of him.
TOBY
No, it's fine, it's in the fridge. I put
some clingfilm over it.
In the FO office, Michael switches on some classical
music.
SUZY
Why did you put clingfilm on it?
TOBY
To keep it fresh.
Malcolm starts dialling on his phone.
SUZY
It's in the fridge, that'll keep it
fresh.
TOBY
No, but it still might dry out.
MALCOLM
(into phone)
Yeah, Malcolm Tucker. Can I speak to
James Lewis at the PM Programme please?
Page 7
9 CON TINUE D: (2) 9
Michael hands Suzie a croissant.
MICHAEL
(knowing Toby is on the other
end of the line)
Still slightly warm. That's how I like
my women as well.
SUZY
Clingfilm is carcinogenic, Toby.
TOBY
No it isn't. That's a myth. Clingfilm is
perfectly safe.
Malcolm now eyeing Toby with suspicion/contempt -- who is
this dick? Toby tries to smile, lowers his voice,
embarrassed.
MALCOLM
(into phone)
No, I'll hold,. what's he waiting for? A
sex-change?
TOBY
They wouldn't sell clingfilm if it gave
you cancer. Clingfilm doesn't give you
cancer. And Lasagne doesn't give you
syphillis.
MALCOLM
James! Right --Simon Foster? Yeah, very
funny, the Diarrhoea of a Nobody. Listen,
we get an easy ride on Tom tomorrow, OK?
(getting annoyed) No, YOU relax. Tell
you what, I'll come over a lock you in a
flotation tank and pump it full of sewage
until you drown. GET ME FUCKING BRIAN!
TITLE - IN THE LOOP
10 INT. SIMON'S OFFICE - DAY. 10
Simon and Judy are still prepping the funny question. ..
SIMON
Paris Hilton?
JUDY
Are you serious?
SIMON
Lily Allen.
JUDY
No. No women.
Page 8
10 CON TINUE D: 10
SIMON
The Olson twins?
Judy gets a call.
JUDY
Hi. Right. I see.
She rings off.
SIMON
(sensing something's up)
What?
JUDY
Malcolm's coming to see you.
SIMON
Shit. He's still alive. When's he due?
Malcolm walks in with Toby sheepishly behind him.
MALCOLM
Now. And don't say you weren't prepared
because I rang ahead.
(To JUDY)
Give us a minute, will you love?
Judy gets up as Malcolm turns back to SIMON
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
In the words of the late, great Nat King
Fucking Cole, `Unforeseeable, that's what
you are..'
11 INT. DFI OPEN PLAN OFFICE 11
JUDY has spotted TOBY.
JUDY
So you're...whatever your name is, Dan,
the new advisor? Daniel.
TOBY
Toby.
JUDY
Right. Just most of you lot tend to be
called Dan, or Danny, so it's always
worth a punt. OK, hello. As you know, I'm
Judy Molloy, Civil Service Director of
Communications for International
Development.
They shake hands.
Page 9
11 CON TINUE D: 11
TOBY
Is this a normal morning, or...?
Judy's not got time for questions.
JUDY
Okay, I've got a meeting in
(looks at watch)
two minutes. And the minister was
rubbish in last night's interview.
TOBY
Rubbish?
JUDY
It's a technical term. It means he went
on the radio and everyone could hear that
he was rubbish.
Someone goes into Simon's office. As door opens we hear
heated conversation between Simon and Malcolm.
MALCOLM [IN OFFICE]
You sounded like a panicky chimp trapped
in a washing machine.
12 INT. DFID SIMON'S OFFICE. DAY. 12
Back inside Simon's office.
SIMON
Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for a
personal opinion.
MALCOLM
Oh why didn't you say? I mean, he asked
you. Fuck. Of course, that explains it.
Yeah. Say, if he'd asked you to fucking
black up, or give him your PIN number, or
shot yourself, would you have done that
as well.
SIMON
I would have blacked up. It was the radio
and no-one would have known.
MALCOLM
Yeah. Very good.
SIMON
But war is -- basically unforeseeable
isn't it?
MALCOLM
That is not our line, alright? Walk the
fucking line. Look.
(MOR E)
Page 10
12 CON TINUE D: 12
MAL COLM (CONT'D)
We've got Karen Clark over from
Washington, okay? We've got the US
National Security Advisor's main guy
coming. Yeah? We've got enough Pentagon
goons here for a fucking coup d'etat.
This is not the time to send out a signal
like this in some personal fucking
sodcast.
JUDY and TOBY come in.
JUDY
Minister, this is Toby.
MALCOLM
Not the time love. Fuck off.
JUDY smiles at MALCOLM, and doesn't fuck off.
SIMON
Hey Toby. Glad you could join us. Bit of
an odd morning, but 'Welcome to the
madhouse!'I apologise for Malcolm.
MALCOLM
Don't apologise for me. You should
apologise for yourself.
(to Judy)
Did I not just tell you to fuck off and
yet you're still here?
JUDY
That's correct.
MALCOLM
(to Toby)
Hey, foetus boy. Lesson One: If I tell
you to fuck off what do you do?
TOBY
Fuck off?
MALCOLM
You'll go far.Now fuck off.
TOBY
Right.
Toby fucks off. We can see him outside, wandering around,
not knowing what to do with himself.
SIMON
We were thinking, weren't we Judy, that I
could row back on Question Time tonight.
MALCOLM
No, You're not going on Question Time
tonight. You've been disinvited.
Page 11
12 CON TINUE D: (2) 12
SIMON
Why? We've been prepping Question Time.
MALCOLM
Because they ask fucking questions on
Question Time. And you're no good at
questions. If it was Fumbling, Off-
Message Shit Fucking Answer Time, you'd
be our main guy. But it's not.
JUDY
Sorry, why wasn't I told about this?
MALCOLM
Why should I tell you about this?
JUDY
Because it's a scheduled media appearance
by this department's Secretary Of State
and it therefore falls within my
purview...
MALCOLM
Your purview? Where do you think you are
sweetheart, in some Regency costume
drama? This is a government department,
not a fucking Jane Austen novel. Allow me
to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your
purview and ram it up the shitter with a
lubricated horse cock.
JUDY
Malcolm, your swearing doesn't impress
me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets
and believe me, those kids make you sound
like Angela Lansbury.
MALCOLM
(to Simon, lads' chat)
She's married? The poor bastard.
SIMON
But...okay, Judy's lubricated horse cock
aside for one moment....
(Judy walks out)
Are you saying that I'm now not allowed
to make any media appearances?
MALCOLM
No, not until we can trust you to keep to
the line.
SIMON
But I was going to keep to the line: "I
don't actually think war is
unforeseeable."
Page 12
12 CON TINUE D: (3) 12
Malcolm's looking out of the office, monitoring Judy's
movements. She's flashed up on his radar. He's tracking
her.
MALCOLM
What is it then?
A beat.
SIMON
Is it...I don't know? Foreseeable? No.
MALCOLM
No. Not foreseeable. That's fucking
declaring war. Do you want to fucking
declare war?
SIMON
I'm a cabinet minister. I didn't get here
by screwing up every media appearance I
ever had.
MALCOLM
Write this down. It's neither forseeable
nor undorseeable.
SIMON
Right. So not inevitable, but
not...evitable.
Malcolm leaves the office. Toby is still hovering.
MALCOLM
(calling back to Simon)
Okay, you need to work on this fucking
line.
(to Judy)
That includes you, Jane Fucking Austen
with the strap-on. Oh, and put the sniff
out there that the next time the BBC
ambushes a Minister with a war question
we'll drop a bomb on them.
JUDY
I can't do that. That's political, that's
not in my...
MALCOLM
Purview, Marie Antoinette? Weel listen,
darling, why don't you fucking scuttle
off back to fucking Cranford and play
around with your tea and cake and horse
cocks. Let them eat cock! (TO TOBY) You,
Ron Weasley -- you do it.
Malcolm heads out.
Page 13
13 INT. FO MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY 13
Suzy and Michael in Michael's office. Suzy's getting
documents together for the big meeting. Michael's at his
computer, on the phone. Classical music still on.
MICHAEL
(on phone)
You needn't worry about the Canadians.
They're just happy to be there. (Pause)
Yes, well, they always look surprised
when they're invited.
SUZY
Listen, shall I just give Toby a quick
call about the Simon Foster thing?
Suzy dials.
14 INT. DFID/INT FOREIGN OFFICE MICHAELS OFFICE 14
Toby checks the phone. Sees it's Suzy -- Christ, not her
again, I'm a bit busy here. He answers.
INTERCUT PHONE CALL:
TOBY
Hiya. You do know this is the third time
you've rung? Are you on a new tariff?
SUZY
So? How's it going? You found the bogs
yet?
TOBY
All a bit manic. It was never like this
at Agriculture. People tend not to swear
so much about wheat. Apart from farmers.
They swear about everything.
SUZY
(to Michael, re. the music)
Can you turn that down a bit?
(to Toby)
Look, I've got a leg up for you. I think
we could get Simon into the big meeting
with Karen Clark?
TOBY
Right - Karen Clark from...is that the
woman who went round Britain in a coracle
for leukemia?
Page 14
14 CON TINUE D: 14
SUZY
Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of
State?
TOBY
Oh right. Shit. Karen Clark. Wow. Thanks.
SUZY
Hang on, Michael wants to say something.
MICHAEL
Meat.
SUZY
Meat.
MICHAEL
Meat! Simon's only going to be meat in
the room. Don't get his hopes up.
SUZY
Yeah, so you know -- Simon, between us,
he's just going to be meat in the room.
TOBY
Meat?
Judy, nearby, hears this.
SUZY
(waving him away)
Yeah. The Americans don't feel they're
getting a real meeting unless there's
thirty of you on each side. So Simon
is...you know those polystyrene peanut
things they use to pack electrical goods?
Sort of one of those. But you might not
want to tell him that. I ought to go. I
love you.
Judy's hovering nearby.
TOBY
Likewise. Affirmative on that.
15 INT. DFID - DAY / INT. SIMON'S OFFICE - DAY 15
Judy is hovering as Toby finishes his call.
JUDY
So, quick tour.
She starts walking away. Toby follows.
TOBY
Um, I do just need to...
Page 15
15 CON TINUE D: 15
JUDY
Over there...that's Mike's patch. Leave
Mike to it. He knows what he's doing.
Don't you Mike?
MIKE
What?
JUDY
Exactly.
(as they walk on)
He's an idiot. He organised 3,000 tents
and sanitation packs for Rwanda.
TOBY
Right...is that not...?
JUDY
They needed them in Luanda. Angola. It's
been in the news.
(checks phone)
And that's the end of the tour. I've got
to go.
TOBY
Look, I understand your hostility to new
wood coming in..
JUDY
There's a lot of really important people
you need to know about, but I haven't got
time.
But she's gone. Toby heads over to Simon's office. The
door's open. He pops his head in.
TOBY
Hey, boss.
SIMON
Toby, hi. Sorry about earlier -- Malcolm.
He's a bit of an...alpha male, isn't he?
TOBY
Look, I've managed to get you into the
big meeting at the Foreign Office this
afternoon.
SIMON
The Karen Clark meeting? Shit, really?
Sure. How did you...?
TOBY
I did it through sheer bloody hard work.
Judy walks past. Simon calls out.
Page 16
15 CON TINUE D: (2) 15
SIMON
Hey Judy.
She comes in.
JUDY
Hello?
SIMON
Tobes here has got me into the big Karen
Clark meeting.
Judy looks at Toby. She heard the `meat' conversation.
JUDY
Wow. Yeah, the Big Meet. How are you
spelling that, by the way?
TOBY
Two `e's.
16 EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE. DAY 16
Simon, Toby and Judy drive along Whitehall in their car.
An awkward silence.
Judy looks at Toby. She knows Simon's just off to be
meat.
TOBY
(off Judy's look)
Just, maybe, might be best not to get too
excited. It might be that their guys
muscle in and have the lion's share of
the talk time.
JUDY
Yeah. It might be like that.
SIMON
I think I can work a room, okay? I'm not
a room virgin.
17 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE BUILDING. FOYER - DAY 17
Simon, Toby and Judy are going through security. Suzy and
Michael come to meet them.
MICHAEL
Simon.
SIMON
Michael.
Page 17
17 CON TINUE D: 17
A very young man approaches Michael. Looks like he is 19.
He is CHAD.
CHAD
Ah, Michael? I'm Chad.
MICHAEL
Hello?
CHAD
We'd like a dual horse-shoe formation for
the meeting set-up - an enclave for Ms
Clark, an enclave for the Pentagon
delegation. First names acceptable to all
parties and politely we request the
presence of both carbonated and non-
carbonated waters.
SUZY
Right.
CHAD
Thanks so much.
He walks purposefully off.
MICHAEL
My God. Who was that, Young Lankenstein?
JUDY
Oh he'll be running something relatively
major. They're all kids in Washington.
It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real
guns.
18 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE GRAND MEETING ROOM - DAY 18
Chad's dual horse-shoe is packed with people. The room's
pretty much full.
KAREN CLARK from the State Department is surrounded by
ten or so aides and functionaries, security people and
assistants. (Including Chad and LIZA one of Karen's
senior aides.) Then there is Bob Adriano's gang of
advisors, smaller but sitting separately.
Next to them is a Pentagon delegation, including
uniformed members of all three services.
Lots of hubbub.
SUZY leads SIMON, TOBY and JUDY in, and shows them to
their seats.
Page 18
18 CON TINUE D: 18
They're as far away from the US delegation as it's
possible to be, and Simon's seat is actually behind a
pillar. Suzy goes off to join Michael and the Foreign
Office delegation near the front. Suzy looks over to
Toby, uses her hands to make mock binoculars, as if to
say, 'you're very far away, look how close and therefore
important I am'.
SIMON
No-one will hear me if I say anything.
How's your view? Can we swap?
Simon and Toby swap seats, but Simon can still barely see
anything.
SIMON (CONT'D)
(to Judy)
Can I swap with you?
JUDY
I think the meeting's starting.
It is.
SIMON
Well, quickly then, swap.
Simon and Judy swap seats.
The meeting is now underway. We're with Karen Clark.
KAREN
We all agree this is a very tough time,
but I don't want a consensus to form
around the premise that conflict is
necessarily the primary option at this
point.
Back with Simon, Judy and Toby. Simon still straining to
see.
SIMON
Are people thinking that? That's -- a bit
hardcore.
He cranes again to see.
SIMON (CONT'D)
No, this is worse. Swap back.
Simon and Judy swap seats again.
Back with Karen. She's holding up a paper in a red
folder.
Page 19
18 CON TINUE D: (2) 18
KAREN
This paper, authored by one of my aides,
Liza Weld. You don't mind me fore-
grounding this do you Liza?
Liza reacts. Her paper? In a big meeting. Is this good or
bad?
KAREN (CONT'D)
Illuminates the logistical factors we
face. She highlights a number of reasons
why, in practical terms, we can't
envision a theatre deployment for twelve
months.
BOB ADRIANO
Although not everyone might agree with
the assumptions made in that paper.
KAREN
Really - such as what?
BOB ADRIANO
The committee feels a much quicker
deployment is possible.
KAREN
Which committee?
BOB ADRIANO
(covering)
This has been discussed in a number of
committees. If I said one committee...
KAREN
You did.
ADRIANO
Then that was a slip of the tongue
KAREN
Have you accidentally alluded to some
secret committee? A war committee?
MICHAEL
If I can interject here, I'm aware we're
pushed for time. I'd like to move us on
agenda-wise. Our next item is
international relief co-ordination.
Karen is conferring with Liza, Adriano with his guy.
KAREN
Have you heard of this committee?
ADRIANO
What's this Liza Weld paper?
Page 20
18 CON TINUE D: (3) 18
Simon is watching, feeling the meeting is passing him by.
SIMON
(to Judy and Toby)
Should I say something? She invited me, I
should say something. If you don't say
something in the first 10 minutes, you
can end up not saying anything at all.
JUDY
I don't know whether you should say
anything.
SIMON
I'm saying something ... I think I'm
going to try saying something.
Simon goes to put his hand up, Toby maybe puts a calming
hand on his hand. They look at one another. Has Toby
crossed a line?
KAREN
Look - I just think it's worth noting
that Ministers in The UK Government,
(Liza whispers - Simon's over
there)
such as our colleague here ...
SIMON
(pleased)
Is she talking about me?
KAREN
Simon Foster ...
SIMON
She's talking about me!
KAREN
Has made it clear that for them currently
war is unforeseeable. Isn't that right
Simon?
SIMON
Well, yes, I mean, that's what I said.
And I stick to what I said.
SIMON sits down. Them stands back up.
SIMON (CONT'D)
But that doesn't mean that what I said
won't ever change. It's not imutable. Or
mutable. It's an ongoing ...
Page 21
18 CON TINUE D: (4) 18
MICHAEL
(cutting in)
I wonder if there aren't some area of
mutual agreement we can't rattle through
here and see how much time we have at the
end for this discussion?
He's ended the debate.
Suzy comes round the back of the meeting all smiles and
hands Judy a note with a smile.
JUDY
Thanks.
She opens the note it reads, `Simon is acting like a
massive tit. Stop him.'
SUZY
Is that all fine?
JUDY
That's all fine. Thanks for that.
SUZY
Thanks.
Toby whispers something in Simon's ear. Simon doesn't
look pleased. Karen is still talking to the meeting.
Simon shuts up. He'll have this out later.
19 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE BALLROOM - DAY 19
The big meeting is breaking up. Simon is annoyed, leading
Judy and Toby out of the room and into any private space
he can find - they back into a huge huge ballroom
SIMON
Come here - we need to talk
(they go into the massive
room, look around)
What do you mean stop being a `tit'? In
what way was I being a tit? Why am I even
over here if I'm not meant to say
anything?
JUDY
You were just meat in the room, Simon.
SIMON
'Meat in the room'? Oh for fuck's sake
Judy. I took an hour out to come over
here and be room meat?
Page 22
19 CON TINUE D: 19
TOBY
But you know you're a prime cut, you're
not - offal.
SIMON
Great, I'm not liver. What was I, tit
meat?
20 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY 20
We're with Karen Clark's delegation who have just walked
downstairs from the meeting room into a ground floor
lobby area. KAREN is talking to LIZA, her right-hand
woman.
TOBY, SIMON and JUDY are above them standing round a
circular viewing area that looks down on the lobby.
The UK and US delegations are aware of each other,
throwing furtive glances each other's way.
KAREN
Whichever committee they don't want me to
be a member of, I want to be a member of
that. It's a confused Groucho Marx.
LIZA
Okay. Right.
Chad arrives. Karen talks to someone else.
CHAD
Hey Liza. Your paper got a major
citation. You must be psyched Karen
brought it up.
LIZA
She...that was her call. I didn't know it
had been that widely read.
CHAD
You could not write anything that clashes
more violently with the current climate
than you the one you wrote if you were
trying, and it almost seems like you were
trying.
LIZA
I wasn't trying, believe me.
CHAD
You are like the woman from The Omen,
you've given birth to a demon and it's
going to kill you.
Page 23
20 CON TINUE D: 20
LIZA
You probably identify with the kid from
The Omen right?
CHAD
Ooh.
LIZA
See, you're an only child, aren't you?
CHAD
You bring this up whenever you run out of
arguments. I don't see how my parents'
limited reproductive abilities reflects
badly on me. I'm the sperm that made it.
Liza walks off, over to Karen.
CHAD (CONT'D)
Have fun with your career kryptonite.
21 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY 21
SIMON
(re : Karen talking
conspiratorially to Liza
downstairs)
What's that all about? It looks
important.
22 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY 22
Karen is back, huddled up with Liza.
KAREN
My teeth hurt. I think the veneers are
chipped. Do they look chipped?
Liza stares into Karen's mouth.
LIZA
Well, I think that one, that one's always
been there, right? I'm not sure. Have you
got any painkillers?
KAREN
Oh, don't look at my teeth.
23 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE UPSTAIRS MEZZANINE - DAY 23
JUDY
(trying to earwig)
Sshhh!
Page 24
24 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY 24
KAREN
(looking up at the Brits, off
Simon's smile)
I don't want to risk a dentist here.
25 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE UPSTAIRS MEZZANINE - DAY 25
The US delegation are heading off
TOBY
(shouting)
Hey Liza!
LIZA
Oh ... Hi ... hi?
She knows him but can't immediately place him.
TOBY
Toby? It's Toby.
LIZA
Hi. Hi.
She makes the phone sign. He gives a thumbs up, she
thinks he's misread the phone sign and gestures, or email
by doing typing in the air. Toby signs back, yeah, call
on the phone or email - does the typing back.
JUDY
(re the typing gesture)
What are you doing? You look like you're
practicing baby massage.
TOBY
She did the Kennedy scholarship at my
college. I had a small thing for her.
JUDY
I can imagine.
TOBY
I'm not sure she remembered me.
JUDY
No, that is one of the side effects of
Rohypnol.
Page 25
26 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE. DAY. 26
KAREN
Linton has set up a secret war committee,
I just know it. I mean, Linton is an
absolute lunatic, Liza. He is dangerous.
The voices in his head are now singing
barbershop together.
27 EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY 27
The conversation is continuing between Simon Judy and
Toby as they exit the FO.
SIMON
Yeah. Jesus. I really really hope there's
not a war. It's going to be a nightmare.
It's bad enough having to cope with the
fucking Olympics.
They appear outside. There's a press pack of 10 or so
reporters and photographers there.
PRESS
Minister!/Simon!/Mr Foster!
Simon is taken aback.
SIMON
Fuck. Who let the dogs out? We don't need
this.
JUDY
Er, you wanted a chance to row back on
the war. Do you want to nail the line?
SIMON
What? No. No. I'll freestyle it.
The press are calling.
REPORTER 1
Is war unforeseeable Minister?
SIMON
Look,
(grappling now)
...loads of things that are actually very
likely are also unforeseeable. Y'know,
For the plane in the fog the mountain is
unforeseeable, but then it, is suddenly
very real and inevitable.
Toby and Judy look at one another. This isn't good.
Page 26
27 CON TINUE D: 27
The press pack are looking for more.
REPORTER
Sorry, are you saying that...?
SIMON
What I'm saying is that to - walk the
road of peace, sometimes you need to be
ready to climb the mountain of conflict.
Thank you!
The press are writing furiously, making calls already.
Simon tries to look confident. He and the team get into
their car.
28 INT. CAR DRIVING THRU WESTMINSTER. DAY. 28
(CHANGE SCENE ORDER - GOES AFTER SC. 29G)
Toby Simon and Judy on the back seat as they drive back
to the Department.
SIMON
(under his breath)
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
(to Judy)
Why didn't we nail the line?
JUDY
I did try to warn you.
SIMON
You did try to warn me but you didn't
actually stop me, did you?. That's like
shouting 'Train!' as I get hit by a
train. You should go
(stupid voice)
'Look! Train! There's a Fucking Train!'
JUDY'S and SIMON'S phones start ringing. They each check
the number.
SIMON (CONT'D)
Oh shit. It's Malcolm.
JUDY
It's Malcolm for me too.
SIMON
How does he do that?
(he answers, tentatively)
Hello?
Page 27
29 INT. NUMBER 10. DAY. 29
Malcolm has two phones on the go. He's watching the SKY
NEWS coverage of Simon's mini-press coverage. It has a
`Government ready to Climb the Mountain of Conflict'
banner running across the top.
MALCOLM
(on the phone, over TV)
Simon. I don't like finding out about
people I work with via the news, unless
they've died. Get over here now so we
can address at least one of those issues.
30 INT. NUMBER TEN - DAY 30
Judy, Simon and Toby are walking towards Malcolm's
office.
TOBY
The thing is. On the war. With your
profile..
(uncertain, but fuck it, he
is a senior policy aide to a
cabinet minister)
... Maybe we should - get it out there?
That the war is a resigning issue for
you.
SIMON
You can't say it's a resigning issue.
Because you then have to resign.
JUDY
You are having a really great first day
you know that?
They walk in, Malcolm's there.
MALCOLM
(shouting)
You are supposed to be a Cabinet Minster.
You are supposed to be officer class.
Don't do this. Don't make waves.
SIMON
We can do without the ritual humiliation,
Malcolm. You know I'm against talking up
the war.
MALCOLM
You're against talking up the war? Is
that why you said, "Climb the mountain of
conflict"?
(MOR E)
Page 28
30 CON TINUE D: 30
MAL COLM (CONT'D)
Do you know what you sounded like? You
sounded like a fucking Nazi Julie
Andrews.
SIMON
I'm just saying. I might be forced to the
verge of making a stand.
MALCOLM
(different tack needed)
(at Toby and Judy)
Right, you two, The White Stripes,
outside.
Simon makes to leave with them.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
There's only two people in the White
Stripes.
Toby and Judy leave and wait outside the door.
MALCOLM (CONT'D, TO SIMON)
(CONT'D)
Look, I admire you, I really do. Making a
stand. So, I take it I can tell the PM
you don't want to go to Washington?
SIMON
To where...?
MALCOLM
Washington. The boss wants you over there
on a fact-finder. Problems we might face
if it all goes boombastic in the Middle
East.
SIMON
Oh. Right.
MALCOLM
But you were saying, you are on the verge
of your stand...
SIMON
Well, look - I don't know what words I
used in the heat of the moment, but maybe
in a sense I was on the verge. But that's
the important thing - I was on the verge.
Not in any way decided.
MALCOLM
Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, stop being
such a faffing fuck-arse.
SIMON
I am standing my ground on the verge.
Page 29
30 CON TINUE D: (2) 30
MALCOLM
Well, when you go to America, talk to
Karen Clarke at the State Department,
SIMON
I'll give it a whirl.
MALCOLM
But keep away from Linton Barwick. He's
pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot.
I'll deal with him. Dangerous fucker.
keeps a live hand-grenade as a
paperweight. True story.
SIMON
Oh right. I won't talk to him.
MALCOLM
Talk to as few people as possible. That
would be best for you.
31 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 31
Liza, Karen and Chad arrive in the buzzing State
Department offices, knackered but in action mode.
KAREN
Okay - so, priorities are: take a shower,
get me on Linton's War Committee, get me
a dental appointment. Not necessarily in
that order.
Karen walks past various desks covered in tons of Post-
Its. Stops a STAFFER as he passes.
KAREN (cont'd) (CONT'D)
What's Linton been up to while we've been
away....have we declared war on
California yet?
But before the staffer can answer they run right into
Linton. Karen stands her ground.
LINTON
Ah. Karen.
KAREN
Linton.
LINTON
How was London? Good hotel?
KAREN
Great hotel, thank you.
Page 30
31 CON TINUE D: 31
LINTON
Good meetings?
KAREN
Yes. We had some good discussions. The
time at Number Ten could possibly have
been better spent but then...
Karen realises that Linton is reading a message on his
cell phone and not listening.
LINTON
Good. Welcome back. I'll read your words
when they come through. Thank you so much
Linton heads off to his office. A beat later so does
Karen. Chad goes off a little towards Linton's office.
KAREN
Is Chad coming... ?
LIZA
(watching)
He's doing his desperate chorus girl
thing, hanging around trying to catch
Linton's eye. That's why he's wearing his
push-up bra today.
CHAD
(as he passes)
Assistant Secretary of State -- hi.
LINTON
Brad.
CHAD
Chad
LINTON
Uh-huh. Exactly
CHAD
Can I...?
Linton ignores him as he goes to join Bob Adriano waiting
for him in his office.
KAREN
So listen, Liza, I need you to find out
the names of the ten dullest committees
currently operating on the hill.
LIZA
Dullest?
Page 31
31 CON TINUE D: (2) 31
KAREN
Because Linton is not going to call it
the big horrible scarey war
committee...they'll have buried the war
committee under the most boring name they
can think of. 'Diverse Strategy
Committee'- not that, I'm on that. But
it'll be a committee that sounds so
tedious you want to self-harm.
They glance over into Linton's area. He is glancing into
theirs.
KAREN(CONT'D)
Can you get me General Miller at the
Pentagon?
(as she leaves)
My teeth hurt like hell.
LIZA
(to herself)
Sick of hearing about the teeth...
Liza goes to her desk, picks up her landline.
LIZA (cont'd) (CONT'D)
Hi. I'm calling from Karen Clark's office
about a paper written by a staffer here.
We need to know if 'Post War Planning:
Parameters, Implication's and
Possibilities' has reached Assistant
Secretary of State Linton Barwick yet?
(listens)
Yeah...by Liza Weld.
(listens, shit!)
'Pwip Pip'? It's already been given an
acronym?
(listens)
No I don't want to fast-track it. Would
it possible to slow-track it? Well can we
create one?
32 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. LINTON'S OFFICE - DAY 32
Looking over at Karen. Now alone, who is still stealing
glances over.
LINTON
I do not understand why anyone would
choose to work in a glass office. In my
opinion glass offices are for perverts.
BOB ADRIANO
I could request the glass be frosted?
Page 32
32 CON TINUE D: 32
LINTON
(as if Bob Adriano brought it
up)
Frosting is for cakes, Bob. Now. What
happened in London?
BOB ADRIANO
Generally positive. Two glitches. Karen
flagged a report by one of her staffers -
Liza. She's obviously trying to use it as
some kind of roadblock. It's called Pwip
Pip.
LINTON
Pip what?
BOB ADRIANO
Pwip Pip.
LINTON
What is that a report on - birdcalls?
What does that stand for?
BOB ADRIANO
I don't recall. It's factish. Intel -
case for and against intervention.
LINTON
We've got all the facts we need on this.
In the land of truth, my friend, the man
with one fact is king. You said there was
another thing?
BOB ADRIANO
In the meeting with the Foreign Office
the Committee was accidentally briefly
alluded to.
LINTON
(putting his hand over his
mouth so he can't be lip-
read)
Which committee?
BOB ADRIANO
(doing the same)
The war committee.
LINTON
Karen must not find out about that. She
is an excitable yapping she-dog. Okay get
the minutes of the meeting, we need to
correct the record.
BOB ADRIANO
We can do that?
Page 33
32 CON TINUE D: (2) 32
LINTON
Yes we can. They're an aide memoir for
us. So they should not be a reductive
record of what happened to be said, but a
more full record of what was intended to
be said. I think that's the more accurate
version, right?
LATER. Bob Adriano is going through the minutes with
Linton.
LINTON (CONT'D)
I don't like this section. Cut that. I
don't think this is really what France
are saying. Let's change that. And these.
And let's reverse this.
BOB ADRIANO
That's something Karen said.
LINTON
It's not right. Change it.
BOB ADRIANO
Yes sir.
LINTON
And I like this.
BOB ADRIANO
Thank you.
LINTON
Let's say everyone agreed with this.
BOB ADRIANO
Excellent.
33 INT. SIMON'S OFFICE/BOX ROOM - DAY 33
Judy's in her office on the phone, laughing. Simon's
eyeing her suspiciously.
SIMON
What's she so fucking happy about? Is she
laughing at me?
Judy closes the blinds on her side of the office.
SIMON (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Why's she got control of the blinds? I'm
a government minister. I should have
blinds.
Page 34
33 CON TINUE D: 33
TOBY
(joking)
You want me to order some blinds? Or I
could get some heavy curtains with swags
and a pelmet.
SIMON
Yes. I do.
TOBY
Oh. Okay ...
SIMON
Can we go somewhere else?
They walk to Box Room.
SIMON (CONT'D)
So listen. My team for the US. Team
Simon. I'm thinking of taking you and
leaving Judy?
TOBY
I could work with that, definitely. Plus
she can be a bit... you know?
"Everything's a bit shit isn't it?"
SIMON
"So you're the President? And I'm
supposed to be impressed by that?
TOBY
Yeah. "My husband works in Tower
Hamlets."
SIMON
"That's much harder than being
President". Okay. It's settled. Fuck it.
She's staying behind. Go and tell her.
INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. KAREN'S OFFICE - DAY
34 34
Karen, Liza and Linton are among those seated round the
table. Various staffers are standing, including Chad. And
Bob Adriano.
KAREN
Which brings us on to Any Other Business.
LINTON
I believe I've flagged everything I
needed to discuss. As I usually do.
Page 35
34 CON TINUE D: 34
KAREN
(putting her hand over her
mouth, mocking Linton's
gesture from earlier)
Or everything you're prepared to discuss.
LINTON
What is that, Karen
KAREN
I understand you've started up a new
committee, what's it called?
LINTON
What makes you think that?
KAREN
It was mentioned in our London meeting.
LINTON
You must have misheard.
KAREN
I misheard the word committee?
LINTON
Maybe it was another word. Like Khomeini.
KAREN
You're sitting on a new Khomeini?
LINTON
Possibly. There are a lot of words,
Karen. Kansas City. Kitty.
BOB ARIANO
Itty.
LINTON
Itty is not a word, Bob.
CHAD
Commissary?
LINTON
Thank you, James
CHAD
Chad.
KAREN
Ok. Why don't you just recap for me all
the committees that you're currently
sitting on?
Page 36
34 CON TINUE D: (2) 34
LINTON
I'm Sorry, Karen, you appear to be
bleeding from your mouth.
She is. But she doesn't want to leave the meeting.
KAREN
Oh don't try to change the subject
Linton.
LIZA
(Looking at Karen)
Oh no. Holy Mother of....
Everyone is just looking at her.
LINTON
I don't mean to be rude Karen but that is
a tad... repulsive. I can't concentrate
on what you're saying. You have blood
coming out of your teeth and that's not
right.
Karen gets up to go. It's awkward, she's boxed in and has
to clamber over the others to get to the door.
KAREN
Okay, Liza come with me.
CHAD
(aside, to Liza)
Go, Buffy - you belong to the vampire
queen now.
Liza follows Karen out. Chad takes Liza's seat.
LINTON
I don't like to see a woman bleeding from
the mouth. It makes me think of Country
and Western music. Which I really can't
abide.
CHAD
(what?)
Yes! Ha ha! Exactly.
Linton sees his chance to take advantage of Karen being
out of the room.
LINTON
Actually while we're on Any Other
Business I do have a few points I'd like
to resolve.
Page 37
35 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - CORRIDOR/BATHROOM - DAY 35
They head into the bathroom.
Liza is pulling handfuls of tissue. Handing them to Karen
who is dabbing her teeth.
KAREN
Where are at you at with the committees?
LIZA
I got it down to two. The Aims and Policy
Alignment Committee. Here - put some down
your front - you don't want it to go down
your... And the Future Planning
Committee.
KAREN
Well, it's not the first one. I set that
one up. Does that really sound dull to
you? I thought that was a good name.
LIZA
Right, no, it is a good name.
KAREN
Okay, find out if it is definitely the
Future Planning Committee.
LIZA
Okay. Okay. Right, listen, I might go and
do that. You're not going to shout at me
if I go and do that are you?
KAREN
I'm not a fucking monster Liza, okay?
Will you stop implying I'm some kind of
monster?
36 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 36
Liza heads out of the toilets to see Bob Adriano ahead,
quite a long way.
LIZA
Bob!
Bob Adriano stops and turns.
BOB ADRIANO
Liza.
Liza sprints and catches up with him.
Page 38
36 CON TINUE D: 36
LIZA
So listen, Bob, there's something I
really want to tell you. We're having a
hunk of the month competition, and I just
didn't want you to be feel...objectified
in any way....and
BOB ADRIANO
(hopes it might be a come-
on?)
Oh really?
LIZA
Karen knows about the Future Planning
Committee.
Bob Adriano looks shocked, tries to cover it up.
BOB ADRIANO
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Liza smiles. Runs back into the toilets and gives a
thumbs up to Karen.
37 INT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT - DAY 37
Simon and Toby walking past the queues at US immigration,
they are being ushered through a separate channel by
airport workers and diplomatic staff. As they're escorted
Simon and Toby catch each other's eye.
TOBY
This is cool.
SIMON
Don't be callow Toby. We're on official
business.
A Homeland Security official ushers them through.
SIMON (CONT'D) (cont'd)
This is a little bit fucking cool.
38 INT/EXT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT - DAY 38
But then they reach the end of security and find
themselves dumped into the same arrivals area as everyone
else. They walk through.
SIMON
There will be a car won't there?
TOBY
Oh God yeah, of course.
Page 39
38 CON TINUE D: 38
They walk slowly looking at the various cabbies and
chauffeurs holding signs.
SIMON
Did you book a car?
TOBY
Me? No. I mean, Judy will have got
someone to do it.
He calls on his phone.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Hi Judy? Yeah sorry if you're in bed, but
we're here and...
(looks through papers)
Just can't see the car? Wondered what the
car situation was?
39 INT. JUDY'S FLAT/INT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT 39
Intercut with Judy in bed at her flat.
JUDY
What car situation?
TOBY
The airport car?
JUDY
That's not my job Toby. That's Robbie's
job to book it, your job to check it and
confirm it. Alright? Good night.
The call is over.
40 EXT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT 40
TOBY
(to Simon)
Yeah. She's really embarrassed. Sounds
like a snarl up her end. I'll see what we
can do?
He's looking panicked - then.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Here we go.
There's a guy with a sign that says `England Government -
Simon Forester'
SIMON
`Simon Forester?'
Page 40
40 CON TINUE D: 40
TOBY
(to the taxi guy)
Hi we're the Simon Foster party?
The driver takes their bags and they follow him.
41 INT. LIMO - DAY 41
Simon and Toby are heading into Washington. Their car is
accompanied by two police motorcycles.
SIMON
(re : the limo)
I almost feel like there should be
hookers. Do you know what I mean? Really,
here, we should have hookers.
TOBY
(thumbs up, on his mobile)
Hey Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade!
DRIVER
You want girls?
SIMON
(terrified of things getting
out of hand)
What? Oh no. God no. No no no no no. I
was just - I was just joking. I don't
want hookers. I hate hookers. I mean not
in an aggressive way. I'm just not
interested.
(uncomfy beat, then)
But thanks. Thanks very much.
42 EXT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - DAY 42
They get out of the limo, take in the hotel facade. Not
bad. Pretty fucking good.
43 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - DAY 43
They walk in. Oh. Right. Not so impressive then. Not
crappy. Just very bland and ordinary.
TOBY
It's like a hangar for businessmen.
44 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL ROOM 44
Simon and Toby enter with the porter. He hangs around for
a tip.
Page 41
44 CON TINUE D: 44
SIMON
Toby, have you....?
TOBY
(seaching his pockets)
I haven't been to an ATM yet...I've only
got English....
SIMON finds two crumbled up one dollar bills and presses
them into the porter's hand.
TOBY (CONT'D)
It's supposed to be a dollar a bag.
Porter leaves. TOBY goes to window, opens curtain. The
Capitol it just visisble through a building site.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill
view.
45 INT. GEORGETOWN HOUSE - NIGHT 45
A smart private cocktail party in a fancy Georgetown
house. Karen and General Miller spot each other.
They each take a glass of champagne from a waiter.
GENERAL MILLER
Hey Karen. You look beautiful.
KAREN
I bet you say that to all the girls.
GENERAL MILLER
Yeah I do. And some of the guys.
KAREN
That's why you shouldn't run for Senate.
Too many skeletons in your enormous
closet.
GENERAL MILLER
Yeah, don't believe the hype. I'm just
thinking about doing ... something. I'm
more than just a soldier, Karen.
KAREN
That's right, you're passionate about
education and housing and what's the
other thing?
GENERAL MILLER
Lingerie.
Page 42
45 CON TINUE D: 45
KAREN
That's right.
GENERAL MILLER
And bestiality.
KAREN
I'd forgotten about that. Are you still
allergic to that dog?
GENERAL MILLER
Yes, yes. I wake up and my eyes are
closed and my head is swollen and I look
like a giant ball sack.
KAREN
Oh my god, they do have memdication for
that.....but a beautiful ball sack,
though. And how's the pentagon?
GENERAL MILLER
It's kicked up a level. Talking invasion
real soon.
KAREN
Is there somewhere we can talk?
GENERAL MILLER
I don't know, I don't live in this house.
46 INT. CAULDERWOOD'S PARTY. ADJOINING PLAY ROOM - EVENING 46
General Miller and Karen are in Caulderwood's kids' play
room. Toys are piled up everywhere.
KAREN
What if someone comes in now?
GENERAL MILLER
I can't think of an excuse that would
work can you?
KAREN
No. Just be careful. Don't mess stuff up.
They sit down on the child's bed. Miller grabs a crayon.
GENERAL MILLER
Okay so that's total minimum European
Theatre requirement.
He shows her a figure on a piece of paper.
GENERAL MILLER (CONT'D)
(he scribbles)
This is Far East, Korea, Japan etc.
Page 43
46 CON TINUE D: 46
He scribbles.
GENERAL MILLER (CONT'D)
Add those. Plus contingency already
deployed.
KAREN
Er - you've lost me.
Miller looks around, grabs a child's laptop. Opens it, it
says `howday' in an electronic voice.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Your military hardware is impressive.
GENERAL MILLER
Not anymore it isn't. Okay so this is
total current deployment.
(he types)
Europe, Asia.
(He types)
And the contingency already deployed.
(He types)
So the current number of combat troops
available for an invasion according to
these figures would be ...
(he presses the `equals'
button)
COMPUTER VOICE
Twelve.
KAREN
Thousand?
GENERAL MILLER
No, twelve. Twelve soldiers. Twelve.
KAREN
You're shitting me.
GENERAL MILLER
Of course I'm shitting you, but 12
thousand isn't enough. Twelve thousand's
about how many are going to die. And you
really need a few guys alive at the end
of a war or it looks like you've lost.
KAREN
Uh-huh. Tomorrow I've got to meet these
Brits. Simon Foster. He's the guy that
said war was unforseeable, and I think he
could very useful on the committee
because he could internationalise the
dissent.
Page 44
46 CON TINUE D: (2) 46
GENERAL MILLER
You're going to use him as a little meat
puppet.
INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - TOBY'S ROOM.
47 47
Simon knocks on the door. Toby opens, he's in his boxer
shorts and shirt.
SIMON
Tobes. Hi. So! What's the plan? What
swanky reception are we going to?
TOBY
(panic in his eyes)
What's the plan? For tonight?
SIMON
Well that's what I'm asking you Toby, my
chief aide, my political advisor.
TOBY
I don't know, I thought tonight we'd be
tired?
SIMON
(approaching breaking point
with Toby)
Well I am tired but I'm also a career
politician Toby, in the political
powerhouse of the world for forty-eight
hours. So I thought it might be nice to,
you know, go out rather than sit in my
room trying to spank one out watching a
shark documentary, because I'm scared if
I watch a porno it'll end up in the
Register of Members Interests. So what
have you got?
TOBY
Okay ... What have I got?
SIMON
Don't bullshit me Toby.
TOBY
Okay - so far, we have ... one flyer
under the door for happy hour in the bar -
which might be interesting? And I have
the number of a guy I was with at Uni who
I believe now works for CNN out here.
SIMON
No.
Page 45
47 CON TINUE D: 47
TOBY
No?
48 INT. GEORGETOWN PARTY. EVE. 48
Karen on the phone.
KAREN
Liza, where are you?
LIZA
Waving at you.
KAREN
Make yourself more visible.
LIZA
I'm practically on top of you.
They meet.
KAREN
You can stop talking on your phone now.
Look, I have to leave. Phone Simon
Foster's guy. Tell them to come to the
war committee. I'll give them some face
time around ten o'clock. It'll be coffee
and Danish...tea..they're going to want
tea. Tea and sympathy. Tea and a handjob,
whatever.
LIZA
Ok.
49 EXT. GEORGETOWN STREET - EVENING. 49
LIZA
(on phone, deep breath)
Hey Toby! It's Liza Weld. Do you
remember? What you guys doing tonight?
50 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - EVENING 50
Toby and Simon are lying on separate beds in their
underpants watching a shark documentary. Toby is the on
the phone.
TV NARRATOR
There is still a great deal that is
unknown about great white shark mating
behaviour...
TOBY
Well it is unbelievably hectic.
Page 46
50 CON TINUE D: 50
SIMON
You can definitely spot the female ones
can't you?!
51 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL BATHROOM - EVENING 51
Toby's ending his call with Liza.
TOBY
Attending the war committee. That's big.
I mean, I have been on a committee
before. "Challenges for the cheese
market" - that was a big one...
but...yes, sure I'd love a drink. Forty
minutes? Great.
(he does that mobile thing
where people sign off by
repeatedly saying `bye' with
increasing speed but
diminishing volume)
Bye bye bye-bye-bye-bye-bye bye.
He hangs up. Very excited. Starts getting ready to see
Liza. Checks his hair in the mirror. Not quite right. He
opens a pot of hair gel, takes a scoop and rubs it in his
hands, ready to put it in his hair. His phone goes again.
Doesn't know what to do. Doesn't want to pick up the
phone with gelly hands. No time to wash it off. Grabs a
towel and picks up the phone holding the towel. He
struggles to press the answer button. Puts the towel-
covered phone to his ear.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Hello? Hi? Hello?
He can't hear through the towel. Tries to adjust it.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Matty, hi, How's CNN? yes -- sorry? Do I
sound muffled?
Can't mate. Yeah, Liza Weld's's got us on
to Linton's Future Planning Committee in
the morning. The war committee, to you
and me. So I'm prepping...what? Yes,
Future Planning Committee is the war
committee. You don't know that? I thought
you worked for CNN? Or is that Cartoon
Network News?
52 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS 52
Simon has just answered the door to MALCOLM.
Page 47
52 CON TINUE D: 52
SIMON
Come in....I just wasn't expecting you to
be here. Physically here. Obviously,
you're always in my heart.
MALCOLM
I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking
everywhere. I am the egg-man.
SIMON
Have you come to insult me in a different
time zone?
53 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 53
Toby still on the phone.
TOBY
No, off out now for a drink with
her...yeah, yeah, ha-di-ha, but nothing's
going to happen there. Little Toby's
staying in his hammock tonight.
Toby checks himself in the mirror.
54 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS 54
Toby comes out of the bathroom.
TOBY
Simon, I've managed to get us on the...
Malcolm is suddenly in his face.
MALCOLM
Hello!!
TOBY
(heart attack)
Fuck! Malcolm! Jesus.
MALCOLM
You're meant to shit yourself in there.
Not out here.
TOBY
Right.
(to Simon)
I've got us on to Linton's Future
Planning Committee in the morning.
SIMON
Okay. What's that?
Page 48
54 CON TINUE D: 54
TOBY
It's the war committee.
MALCOLM
What? The actual....war committee?
TOBY
Yeah, Liza says that...
MALCOLM
Who's going to be there?
TOBY
Karen Clark, Liza, me and Simon.
(off Simon's look)
Simon and me.
MALCOLM
Who else is going -- Jimmy Osmond?
Gwyneth Paltrow? You've been invited to a
diversion. The real committee, the real
thing, that's happening at The White
House.
Toby picks his jacket up.
TOBY
Yeah well, I'll text you the details
because I'm going to go out.for A quick
drink with some State Department bods.
MALCOLM
Don't mention this to the press, ok?
Don't mention it to anyone. Because if
the press get a whiff there's a war
committee, even a cardboard one, every
fucker in this town is going to turn up
and try and get on it. So no matter what
gay bar you end up, keep it schtumm.
Malcolm flicks the TV over to a news channel.
SIMON
I was watching that.
Malcolm looks at him.
MALCOLM
I have to have a word with you. You might
want to slip into your negligee.
Toby heads out.
Page 49
55 INT. BLACK CAT INDIE CLUB - NIGHT 55
Toby and Liza sit in a booth. They are by far the most
formally dressed people in the club. A band are playing
angry rock with a vaguely political message. A small knot
of people are rocking out.
LIZA
(re : the mosh pit)
You see those guys? The mosh pit?
TOBY
Yes, I don't think I've ever seen a more
civilised 'mosh pit' it's more of a mosh
caucus actually.
LIZA
House staffers, Senators' interns, most
of them are half-man half-PDF file.
Tonight they rage hard. Tomorrow they go
back to the hill and argue noise
reduction legislation.
They're chuckling, having a good time.
TOBY
(beat, looks at her.)
You're worried.
LIZA
(she's been mulling on
something else entirely)
It's Pwip Pip.
TOBY
I'm sorry? Pip Pip? Is this... a person
or a cell phone tarrif or..
LIZA
It's my paper. On the war. Pros and Cons
of the war. But I came up with too many
cons. The pro-war guys have started
calling me `Connie'. So, yes I'm fucking
worried. My career's on the line.
TOBY
Yeah- I noticed you're worried, cos I saw
you looking worried. I'm perceptive like
that. But...
(can't think of anything
else)
Don't worry.
LIZA
Okay, this place blows. I'm going. What
are you doing?
Page 50
55 CON TINUE D: 55
TOBY
Well I'm incredibly tired. It feels like
my brain's eight hours behind but my
liver's 12 hours ahead.
LIZA
You don't want to come back to my place
for a quick catch up?
It's an alluring offer.
TOBY
However, due to technological
developments I no longer need sleep, but
am physically rejuvenated by alcohol!
He guzzles from his beer bottle as they leave.
56 INT. LIZA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 56
Toby and Liza are on the bed together, kissing.
TOBY
Could I just say, you know, that what
happens in Washington stays in
Washington?
LIZA
Yeah I live in Washington. So that
doesn't really work for me.
57 INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - EVENING 57
Malcolm is still in Simon's room. He's texting. Simon
sneaks the remote and flips from the news back to the
shark doc. Malcolm, without looking up, picks up the
remote and flicks back to the news.
MALCOLM
We are under enormous pressure Simon.
Karen will want you to say, `war is
unforeseeable'. Linton will want you to
talk up `climbing the mountain of
conflict'. You say nothing, okay? You
can't swing both ways, you're not David
fucking Bowie.
SIMON
Right. Can I go to bed now?
MALCOLM
No, we're going to run that through.
SIMON
Am I being tortured?
Page 51
58 INT. LIZA'S APARTMENT - DAY 58
Toby wakes up. His mouth is parched. He feels terrible.
He rolls over. Liza is gone. He can't remember where he
is or what's going on. Then with a flash as he looks at
the clock - 9.07 he remembers a lot of things in a rush
and springs out like a Ninja and starts pulling his
clothes on, while scrabbling for his phone.
He heads down stairs & out of the apartment.
59 EXT. LIZA'S APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY 59
TOBY
Hello I need a number for a taxi in
Washington DC. Straight through please.
He's on the street.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Hello. I need a cab, right now. From?
From where? From from
(sees the house number )
TOBY (CONT'D)
It's 40, 46, that's the number, and it's
a street. It's a nice street with houses
and cars and a - sidewalk and it's got
leaves and - hold on I'm walking, I'm
walking to a sign ...
60 EXT. WASHINGTON STREET 60
Toby running.
61 INT. KAREN CLARK'S OFFICE. DAY. 61
Karen, Liza and Simon are making small talk.
LIZA
Marcel's is good.
SIMON
Uh-huh.
KAREN
You should go to La Taverna, the Greek
place. It's fantastic.
LIZA
They set fire to the cheese. It's a lot
of fun.
Page 52
61 CON TINUE D: 61
SIMON
It sounds a lot of fun.
KAREN
There's the aerospace museum, the
National Gallery.
SIMON
Do they set fire to the paintings?
Polite laughter. Toby comes in.
TOBY
Hi I'm sorry I'm so late.
KAREN
(re Toby)
And this is your guy?
SIMON
Yes. He's, you know, among my guys.
Toby shoots Simon a look.
KAREN
(turning to Toby)
I'm Karen. And I believe you already know
Liza.
TOBY
(she can't know?)
Yes. From college, in England.
KAREN
Pulled an all-nighter?
Toby looks to Liza for guidance. She's not giving any.
TOBY
Yes, I, uh, got led astray.
KAREN
Oh who by?
TOBY
Uh, well I ran into - people. There's
some people from - the MoD over and ...
KAREN
Not Penny Grayling?
TOBY
Er - no, another - gang?
KAREN
Right. Wow. I didn't know you had so many
delegations in town.
Page 53
61 CON TINUE D: (2) 61
TOBY
(weakly)
The British are coming!
KAREN
Well, I need to just check out a couple
of things ... this seems like a good
point to break things up.
SIMON
Er - no problem.
They start to get up, not quite sure what's going on.
LIZA
It's been great.
SIMON
Terrific.
KAREN
I really appreciate this.
TOBY
Brilliant.
62 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 62
Simon and Toby walk out into a larger office. They find a
couple of seats left out for people waiting and sit down.
Various staffers come and go, picking up papers and
files, saying hi, looking knackered, all drinking either
diet cokes or coffees.
TOBY
Was that...?
SIMON
Toby -- I don't want to read you the riot
act here but I am going to have to read
some extracts from the riot act. Like
Section 1 paragraph 1 clause 1. Don't
leave your boss twisting in the wind and
then burst in late smelling like a pissed
seaside donkey.
(special needs)
`The British are coming'?
TOBY
(feels he's taken enough now)
So I turned up late to the meeting Simon.
I'm sorry. But it's not like I threw up
in there.
Page 54
62 CON TINUE D: 62
SIMON
No you're right. I should be thanking you
for not throwing up. Well done. You're a
star. You didn't wet yourself, you're in
the right city, you didn't say anything
overtly racist, you didn't pull your dick
out and start plucking it and shouting
'willy banjo'. No I'm being unfair, you
got so much right. Without actually being
there for the beginning of one of the
biggest meetings of my career. You're a
legend.
An uncomfortable beat.
TOBY
That was just - the first bit was it?
We're going back in do you ...think?
SIMON
We'd barely said hello. I've had muggings
that have lasted longer than that. We
really only spoke about flammable cheese.
Liza comes out, passes by. Toby mouths `shit' to himself.
LIZA
(looking at a list on her
desk, then to a staffer)
Are these all requests to get on the
committee? What's going on? Did someone
post an invite on Facebook? I'm drowning
in Senators. It's Senator soup here.
TOBY
Hi Liza.
They're uncomfy with each other.
LIZA
Hey Toby.
Toby gets up for a private word.
TOBY
(re last night)
You feeling okay?
LIZA
Yes, I'm feeling fine. Why were you late?
TOBY
Because...you know...you didn't wake me
up.
Page 55
62 CON TINUE D: (2) 62
LIZA
You looked so sweet. I thought you knew
what you were doing.
TOBY
I was asleep, of course I didn't. That's
how people walk out of windows.
STAFFER
((hand over phone, calls
over)
Hey Liza, I've got another call about the
Committee from Senator Crudden's office,
he wants in too.
LIZA
What is going on here? Fuck. Why's this
my problem? Toby you sure you didn't do
bad? You didn't mention the committee to
anyone else?
TOBY
Nada. Nada.. Bad-da. Nada-bada bing-bong
ding-dang-dong.
(beat, she looks at him)
I have no idea what I'm saying anymore I
think I really am still quite drunk.
Chad is passing. As Liza turns away Toby's face does a
spasm of regret at his brazen lying.
CHAD
Everyone is so hot for your paper. I'm
running off another ten copies. It's
spreading like a virus, Liza. You're in
hot water. You're lobsterising.
LIZA
I don't feel that.
CHAD
It's by degrees. Wafting. Bisque.
I smell lobster. Can you smell lobster,
Toby?
Simon calls Toby back over.
SIMON (O.S.)
Mate!
TOBY
I need to...
LIZA
Sure.
Toby goes back to Simon
Page 56
62 CON TINUE D: (3) 62
LIZA (CONT'D)
So, how far would you go with Linton, you
freaky little stalker? Downtown? Or all
the way up Brokeback Mountain?
63 INT. WHITE HOUSE. SMALLISH ROOM - DAY 63
Malcolm is arriving into a meeting room set up with water
etc with a young man who looks like an intern, A.J.
A.J.
How are you today? Beat the traffic?
Malcolm looking around, as if things aren't right.
MALCOLM
Yeah yeah. Hunky dory. Can I get a
coffee?
He gives AJ his coat.
A.J.
(doesn't take coat then
eventually does and just
puts it on a chair, not the
coat stand)
Sure, sure, if we get started, I'll get
my assistant to bring us some
refreshments.
MALCOLM
(realising)
Your assistant?
A.J.
(sitting, picking up a file
in the room)
Yeah. So, Item. We need to have a
conversation about the mood of the
British Parliament. Any bumps in the road
ahead.
MALCOLM
I'm sorry son, am I - is this it? No
offence, but shouldn't you be at school
with your head down a toilet?
A.J.
Your first point there, the offence. I'm
afraid I'm gonna have to take it. Your
second point. I'm 22. But - item - It's
my birthday in nine days, so if it would
be more comfortable we could... wait...?
Page 57
63 CON TINUE D: 63
MALCOLM
Don't get sarcastic with me son.
(starts dialling)
We burnt this tight-arsed city to the
ground in 1814 and I'm all for doing it
again. Starting with you, you frat fuck.
You get sarcastic with me again and I
will stuff so much cotton wool dowm your
fucking throat it'll come out of your
arse like the wee tail on a playboy
bunny. Okay? I thought...I was led to
believe I was attending the war
committee.
A.J.
Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton
Barwick wanted me to brief you on the
work of the Future Planning Committee.
MALCOLM
I don't want the bullshit son, I want the
bull. No one sidelines me. I'm away.
Malcolm gets up, grabs his coat. An even younger guy
wheels in a coffee trolley.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
And here we go - the fucking Vice
President has also graced us with his
presence!
Malcolm runs out, on the phone.
Malcolm runs out of the White House.
64 EXT. ALBERT EMBANKMENT - DAY 64
JUDY power walking/jogging on the phone to MALCOLM.
MALCOLM
(OVV)
Where is the fucking war committee
meeting?
JUDY
Simon's going to the war committee I
thought you knew?
MALCOLM
(OVV)
I thought I was going to the war
committee? Tell me where the fuck it's
happening!
Page 58
64 CON TINUE D: 64
JUDY
It's on the 7th floor in room 712.
(Beat)
Oh Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling
you what's going on where you are?
MALCOLM
(OVV)
Well let me tell you what's going on
where you are sweet heart, a certain
vinegar faced maniplulative cowbag is
about to find that she's out of a fucking
job...
JUDY hangs up.
65 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 65
Simon and Toby are looking through magazines and papers.
Karen is exiting her office with an entourage.
SIMON
Here she comes - shit - look like we're
meeting, look like we're having a
meeting!
TOBY
(as she passes, re magazine)
... and if you look ... at the line they
take in Newsweek - that's very much ...
another narrative.
KAREN
See you at the committee.
SIMON
(like he's busy)
Yeah, yeah sure, see you in a mo. Just
finishing off some stuff.
(to Toby loud)
Okay, we're all done there. Let's roll.
Toby looks at him. As they get up and follow her at
speed, tripping to keep up.
TOBY
(quiet)
I don't think you can say that anymore
here. They don't like that.
SIMON
Shut up. Follow them. Don't lose them.
Lets rock.
Page 59
65 CON TINUE D: 65
They follow Karen around a corner and she disappears into
a set of doors, they follow her through, but it is the
vestibule before a toilet door. Karen looks at them.
KAREN
Hello?
SIMON
Hello.
KAREN
Are you joining me or shall I see you
there?
SIMON
See you there. I don't need to ... do any
of the things you need to go in there to
do, so I'll just see you there.
Karen goes into the toilet. Simon and Toby head off
looking sheepish.
As they head out of the vestibule. There is a gaggle of
Karen hangers-on. Chad-type staffers looking to get in
with Karen.
66 INT. COMMITTEE ROOM 712 - DAY 66
Linton is with Adriano, quietly horrified by all these
people. General Miller passes them.
LINTON
(For Miller's benefit)
We seem to be overrun with insurgents
here, Bob.
GENERAL MILLER
Hi, I'm in seat 204, row W. Will I be
able to see the big screen from there?
Oh, and can I get one of those big pointy
foam hands with `Go, Monster Trucks!'
written on it?
LINTON
The general is on rare form, very rare
form.
Toby spots his hero.
TOBY
There he is. General George Miller.
SIMON
(And...?)
Right, yep. There he is.
Page 60
66 CON TINUE D: 66
But the room is rapidly filling with bodies and din. More
and more people are turning up. Toby's view of Miller is
obscured.
TOBY
That's the second time in 24 hours I've
had a partially obscured view of him.
67 INT. SMALL COMMITTEE ROOM. DAY. 67
Linton calls the over-stuffed, standing-room-only room to
order.
LINTON
Okay, due to the fact that seemingly
everyone in the world who owns a suit has
turned up for this meeting, we'll be
relocating to a bigger room. Room 720.
So, if you will be so kind...
The committee members file out.
68 EXT. WASHINGTON STREET NR STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 68
Malcolm is legging it down the street.
69 INT. LARGER COMMITTEE ROOM 720 - DAY 69
The committee members file in.
Miller goes close up to Linton.
GENERAL MILLER
Just so you know -- Karen and I did not
appreciate having to sneak around like
Mulder and Scully trying to find out
about this committee.
LINTON
Well, you're both here now. John and
Yoko.
GENERAL MILLER
You and I need to talk, mano-a-mano,
cocks on the block, about how things are
operating around here at the moment.
Linton not fazed by this.
LINTON
Sure. How about 12:30 tomorrow, my
office?
Page 61
69 CON TINUE D: 69
GENERAL MILLER
Good.
General Miller takes his seat. Linton turns on Adriano.
LINTON
What the hell happened?
ADRIANO
I have no idea how they all heard sir.
There must have been a leak.
General Miller is sitting next to Karen. They're watching
Linton having angry words with Adriano.
GENERAL MILLER
Look at Adriano. Poor fuck. He looks like
he's with his Daddy: "Sorry, Bob, you're
adopted. From a couple with hereditary
heart defects."
KAREN
"And your mother only ever kept your baby
clothes for the purposes of voodoo."
Simon is sitting with Toby, marvelling at the numbers of
people cramming into the room.
SIMON
I'm room meat again. This is a massive
abattoir of room meat. Stay outside
Tobes, I need a guy on the outside. Make
friends with Chad, that boy from The
Shining. He knows stuff. Pump him.
TOBY
Oh no. I want to stay in here with
Miller. Don't make me pump Chad.
SIMON
I'm making you pump Chad. Go on.
Toby gets up to leave.
SIMON (CONT'D)
It'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy.
TOBY
No it won't. It'll be difficult difficult
lemon difficult.
Toby reluctantly leaves, trying to grab another peek at
Miller.
Page 62
70 EXT. WASHINGTON STREET NR STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 70
Malcolm running like a madman.
71 INT. LARGER COMMITTEE ROOM 720 - DAY 71
Everyone is finally assembled. The room has thirty or so
people in it.
LINTON
So, welcome to this, somewhat engorged
session of the Future Planning Committee.
You can all see an agenda?
People are looking at their agendas, low-level chatter,
pouring of water, etc. - a general pre-meeting feel.
KAREN
Assistant Secretary -- here on point 6,
it feels like there's an assumption that
we'll be invading. Should we talk about
the practical? I mean this is the war
committee after all?
LINTON
It's the Future Planning Committee.
KAREN
Unofficially it's known as the war
committee.
LINTON
Well, unofficially we can call anything
whatever we like.
(he holds up a water glass)
Unofficially, this is a shoe. But it's
not a shoe, Karen, it's a glass of water,
and this is the Future Planning
Committee.
72 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. 7TH FLOOR - DAY 72
Malcolm is running down the corridor. He runs into Room
712. It's empty.
MALCOLM
Bitch!
73 INT. BIG COMMITTEE ROOM. DAY. 73
Karen is talking.
Page 63
73 CON TINUE D: 73
KAREN
But what I'm asking is has a decision
been reached in principle to advocate
invasion?
LINTON
That's way off agenda Karen. Although it
would seem a general consensus may be
forming.
KAREN
What makes you say that?
LINTON
Well I noted with interest the recent
comments of our colleague Simon Foster in
that regard.
Simon is texting under the desk and not really paying
full attention. He hears his name, looks up, waves to the
group. He doesn't clock Karen's intense look that says
`You are going to rebut that, aren't you?'
KAREN
Perhaps Mr. Foster would have something
to say about that?
SIMON
(politely)
I'm just...watching with interest. IN
Britain we have a saying for complicated
situations such as this, which is that
it's
(he can't believe he's going
to say this)
`Difficult, difficult, lemon, difficult.'
He goes back to his text.
LINTON
As I say it seems a consensus is forming.
KAREN
(furious)
That's just ridiculous. You have no basis
for saying that.
LINTON
Karen, please, calm down. We don't want
you to have another hemorrhage. Item One.
Page 64
INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY
74 74
It's lunchtime. Lots of staffers have left their desks. A
few are eating sandwiches at their desks, or reading a
newspaper during lunch. Chad is emailing, reading, multi-
tasking, from a corner of desk near Linton's office.
TOBY
So - do you want to go out and get some
lunch?
CHAD
Are you kidding? Lunchtime is work time.
TOBY
Yes, what an incredibly depressing motto.
You see you're playing into the hands of
the French saying that.
Toby mooches around, peers in Linton's office. He spots a
couple of A4 sheets of paper that have been printed out
with `Climb the mountain of conflict!' across them as an
encouraging slogan on the wall.
TOBY (CONT'D)
(looking in)
Jesus.
CHAD
Yeah work hours are too valuable - for
networking. You gotta get in at like 6
work till 8.30 Then start making those
connections baby.
(he clicks his fingers
rapidly, annoyingly)
Emails and admin at lunch. See if you can
play some strategic racquetball through
the pm. Then in the six till midnight
slot chow down on some serious policy
work.
TOBY
Right. And what - friends, family,
novels, sexual inter-course you're going
to save those for your thirties and
forties?
75 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. CORRIDOR/BATHROOM - DAY 75
Malcolm arrives at the committee just as people are
spilling out. He's pissed off. Follows Linton into
bathroom.
MALCOLM
Are you fucking me about?
Page 65
75 CON TINUE D: 75
LINTON
Mr Tucker, isn't it? Hello again.
MALCOLM
You might pull this kind of stunt on some
young wank fresh up from Oklahoma, happy
to be getting his hookers paid for by
tobacco lobbyists, but not me.
LINTON
What seems to be the problem?
MALCOLM
I've just had a briefing from a 9-year-
old finalist in Americas got talent. I
think he may have been a ventriloquist.
Or possibly the fucking dummie.
LINTON
AJ? He is one of my top guys. Stanton
College Prep, Harvard...he's smart and
he's great at his job.
MALCOLM
His fucking briefing notes were written
in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I
nearly tripped over his umbilical cord.
LINTON
I'm sorry if it troubles you that our
people achieve excellence at a young age.
Simon is emerging. Linton takes Malcolm to one side, out
of Simon's earshot.
LINTON (CONT'D)
By the way, your prime minister informs
me that he's tasked you with collating
some fresh British intel for us.
MALCOLM
Yeah, apparently your fucking master race
of gifted toddlers can't quit get the job
done in between breast feeds and playing
with their power rangers. So yeah, we're
getting some actual grown-ups to bail you
out.
Simon gets closer. Linton moves in.
LINTON
(to Simon)
Minister, thank you so much for your
support and your recent "Climb the
mountain of conflict" comment - great.
We're going to run with that, it has
great repeatability.
Page 66
75 CON TINUE D: (2) 75
SIMON
Thanks very much, but...it's all a bit
complex really, in terms of my...
Linton pulls away, starts walking off.
LINTON
It's early days, my friend. All roads
lead to Munich.
He smiles and walks off.
MALCOLM
What the fuck does that mean? `All roads
lead to Munich'?
SIMON
Well it just means...I guess, I don't
know what it means.
MALCOLM
`All roads lead to Munich'?
Malcolm is pissed off, looks around. He is not the centre
of attention. He's feeling cut out.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Come on let's go, get back to the hotel,
nick as many coat hangers as you can.
We're off back to London.
76 EXT. WASHINGTON STREET 76
Malcolm, Toby, and Simon are heading towards their car.
They see the Washington Monument in the distance.
SIMON
It's beautiful.
TOBY
If you pull it out, America deflates.
MALCOLM
Don't mock that! The closest you'll come
to getting one of those is buying a
Toblerone.
(Looks at Blackberry)
Mark Hadley's dad's died.
SIMON
Oh no. Should we send Mark a card?
MALCOLM
Nah, I'll send him a ouija board so they
can keep in touch.
Page 67
76 CON TINUE D: 76
SIMON
So what are we getting back to? Apart
from a nice cup of tea and some knife
crime?
TOBY
Constituency surgery in Northampton.
SIMON
Great, meeting my constituents. It's like
being Simon Cowell, but without the
ability to say, `Fuck off, you're
mental.'
77 INT. CONSTITUENCY OFFICE. DAY. 77
TOBY and SIMON are with Simon's constituency agent, ROZ,
she's ushering them into the small, damp little
constituency office. ROZ's arm is in a sling (Jo
Scanlon's arm actually is in a sling) and she has
difficulty opening the door
ROZ
(to Simon)
Sorry, could you...? You just need to
kick the bottom quite hard.
Simon kicks the bottom of the door to unstick it.
Roz opens the door. There are a few constituents waiting
to see Simon, he nods a hello.
SIMON
(Roz has gone ahead, this is
to Toby)
Look at them. They all have that
smell....like a charity shop, you know?
(to constituents)
Afternoon!
A couple of the waiting constituents respond. They go
through to another little office.
ROZ
Right, here you go, you're pretty booked
up - there's a list on the desk. I'm just
going to have a look at the guttering.
SIMON
I'm just back from America, so it was
pretty tough to make it up here - but you
know. That's me.
ROZ
Of course. Right. How was the
President?
Page 68
77 CON TINUE D: 77
She's heading off.
SIMON
Good actually.
TOBY
And what was the White House like?
SIMON
Blown up by spaceships.
78 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 78
General Miller & Aides up stairs
79 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY 79
General Miller (and an aide or two?) marches into Linton
and Karen's section of State. He's got a meeting
scheduled. He's a man on a mission.
He marches straight past Bob Adriano ...
MILLER
(by way of explanation)
Twelve-thirty.
BOB ADRIANO
Um, hold on General ...
And into Linton's office.
But - it's empty.
MILLER
What the fuck?
BOB ADRIANO
Yeah, Secretary Linton Barwick wanted me
to let you know his last - meeting looks
like it's over-running. He sends
apologies.
Miller stands there for a beat. Very very annoyed.
MILLER
He stood me up? They're better be a
fucking good reason. Like he's dead. That
is just plain fucking rude. I mean, how
would he like it if I just did a big
hairy shit on his desk?
BOB ADRIANO
You're very w-welcome to wait, we have
newspapers and periodicals?
Page 69
79 CON TINUE D: 79
He gestures to a seating area. Miller picks up a
magazine. Rolls it up, looks at Bob Adriano. Might
Miller, possibly, hit him?
MILLER
Yeah well excuse me if at this time of
national crisis I don't sit with a thumb
up my ass flipping through Time magazine
eating pop tarts?
(he heads off fast - not
quite sure where he's going,
calls back as he goes)
Tell him to call me. But he might not get
through cos I'm a fucking busy man.
He finds himself heading into Karen's office.
It's empty. He stands there for a beat. Shuts the door.
Looks around. Picks up a hole punch. Kicks the couch.
Karen enters, surprised to find him there.
KAREN
Hey, what is it?
MILLER
Yeah - can I hang around in here for a
while?
KAREN
Er. Sure. Why?
MILLER
Do I need a fucking reason?
(beat, calming down)
Linton's playing me like a fucking turkey
drumstick on a big bass drum.
KAREN
Look, I was going to order food, do you
want to eat.
MILLER
Yeah. Order us some cute mammals. Alive.
A lamb or a piglet so I can snap it's
fucking neck.
INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY
80 80
Simon listens behind a desk. Roz is there taking notes.
Toby is in the corner working on a laptop.
Page 70
80 CON TINUE D: 80
MRS MCDAIRMID
My point is - if the septic tank - if we
didn't know it was there in the first
place how can we be responsible for it
now?
SIMON
Yes. No. I understand.
MRS MCDAIRMID
It's under the communal drive. Why should
we get it pumped?
ROZ
(looking through the
paperwork)
Well it's not a council sceptic tank so
they're not legally obliged to pump it...
MRS MCDAIRMID
Look, according to the paperwork there's
four metric tons of of shit under there.
That's not all me, is it? I'm not a
flipping elephant am I?
SIMON
No, of course not. Nor should you be
treated like one. Okay, Mrs McDairmid.
Leave it with me. I'm sure there must be
a way through this. Alright?
Mrs Kendrick heads out.
ROZ
Er, Colin Lowe.
SIMON
Jesus. Still on about bendy buses?
(thinks)
No. Tell him no. What else?
Toby closes the laptop.
ROZ
Pauline Michaelson's son about the
constituency office wall.
Toby exits to get coffee as Roz brings in PAUL
MICHAELSON.
PAUL MICHAELSON
(as he enters)
Hi, thanks for seeing me Mr. Foster.
SIMON
Hi Paul, call me Simon. You've met Roz.
Page 71
80 CON TINUE D: (2) 80
PAUL MICHAELSON
I know I have.
SIMON
Lovely.
PAUL MICHAELSON
Okay, Simon, I'll try to keep it brief
because I can see you're a busy man.
There's a bloke out there wants to make
it illegal to talk in a foreign language
in shops.
SIMON
Yes, well, this place can become a magnet
for the mentally dispossessed. And for
sensible people like yourself, Paul.
PAUL MICHAELSON
Patronising.
ROZ
Why don't you explain your issue, Mr
Michaelson?
PAUL MICHAELSON
I...sorry, is this a joke?
How many times? For the fourth f...ing
time.
(as to an idiot)
The side wall. Of this property. Your
wall. Is falling over. On to my mum's
garden. She called you up - but she got
fobbed off by your people. Because she's
not Lord Snooty in his posh car. Because
she's not Madonna on a horse.
SIMON
That...I agree, it's unacceptable.
Toby comes back in, hands Simon a coffee.
PAUL MICHAELSON
Do you know what this is?
(he hums something
irritating)
That's your constituency office hold
music. I don't want it in my head, do I?
SIMON
(checks notes)
We did arrange to get a quote from a
builder, but...
Roz has a call on the landline.
Page 72
80 CON TINUE D: (3) 80
ROZ
Patch from London. They say it's urgent.
Karen Clark? Is she the coracle woman?
SIMON
Right. Paul, I really need to take this,
but I haven't forgotten about you, okay?
PAUL MICHAELSON
No, well I'm not going anywhere, Simon.
You won't be able to forget me because
I'll be sitting here staring at you.
SIMON
Toby, can I hand Paul over to you?
PAUL MICHAELSON
"Can I fob Paul off with you?"
Simon goes elsewhere in the room to take his call.
TOBY
So, Paul, where are we up to?
(off Paul's scary look)
I was out getting coffee. Sorry.
He grabs a pen and paper.
81 INT. KAREN'S OFFICE'S OFFICE - DAY 81
(CHANGE SCENE ORDER)
Later. General Miller is with Karen. They're surrounded
by cartons of Chinese take-out.
GENERAL MILLER
(flicking through Liza's
paper)
See, this is the problem with civilians
wanting to go to war. When you've been
there you don't want to go back unless
you absolutely have to. It's like France.
KAREN
(re the paper in it's red
folder)
You finally read Liza's paper?
GENERAL MILLER
Course, I read it. I'm a voracious
reader. I'm the fucking Gore Vidal of the
Pentagon.
(pointing at a spring roll)
You don't want that?
Page 73
81 CON TINUE D: 81
KAREN
Yes I want that.
(points to various packages)
I want that, that, that, that and that.
Those I don't care about. And these let's
pack up and drop on North Korea.
GENERAL MILLER
(beat, reads)
Someone should leak this.
Outside Liza sees them discussing her paper animatedly.
It doesn't look good to her.
KAREN
Someone maybe shaped a little bit like
you.
GENERAL MILLER
Me? Are you kidding?
KAREN
You have more gravitas.
GENERAL MILLER
Exactly. I'm too senior. I can't leak.
Leaking is for people like your Liza and
the Boy called It out there.
(eats)
It's insane. Not only is the case against
war incredibly strong, the case for is
caveated to hell.
(reading)
"Most analysts believe the state is
looking to expand aggressively beyond its
borders..." Then here in the caveats, the
only source is `Ice Man' - a possible
alcoholic - who's probably called that
cos he gets through ten bags / icebergs a
day in his fucking vodka tonics. INR say
we can't trust him. That's us disputing
our own findings. Has Linton read this?
KAREN
I'm not sure he reads. You're a General.
Have him killed.
GENERAL MILLER
You see this is why we never got
together. That and the hobo teeth.
82 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT/INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY 82
Simon is talking to Karen.
INTERCUT PHONE CALL:
Page 74
82 CON TINUE D: 82
KAREN
This is a private call right --
unrecorded, secure line etc etc?
SIMON
Well, yeah. I mean, your lot are probably
getting it somehow, but our lot shouldn't
be.
Paul Michaelson calls over.
PAUL MICHAELSON
I'm still here, Simon.
KAREN
What's going on Simon?
SIMON
Departmental business. About a wall.
KAREN
Gaza?
SIMON
Uh-huh. What can I do for you?
KAREN
Where were you in the committee? I called
for back-up, you sat there like a dumb
sack of shit. Maybe worse, cos at a
molecular level a bag of shit is probably
fizzing with energy.
SIMON
Well - okay. Yes. Um. Well, I have to say
Karen, I have a clear strategy here. I'm
playing the long game.
KAREN
There is no long game. They've bounced us
into a short game. You looked like
a...what do you call it in England? A
'wanker
SIMON
We don't call it that, no...
But she's gone.
83 INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY 83
Toby's still talking to Paul the wall guy.
TOBY
Paul, look, mate...
Page 75
83 CON TINUE D: 83
PAUL MICHAELSON
Patronising.
TOBY
Sorry. But I'm on your side. I have to
look after my Mum too. You do, or they
get shafted don't they? So...
Simon wants to talk.
Roz takes over.
PAUL MICHAELSON
I'm going to pursue this with, what do
they call it? Extreme prejudice, to the
very end. I can be enormously persistent.
Ask my ex-girlfriend.
ROZ
Okay, well, I'll take your details.
Roz leads Paul away
SIMON
That guy's a bit full-beam.
TOBY
Full-beam?
SIMON
Yeah, full-beam. Headlights.
(he opens his eyes wide to
show what he means)
I kept thinking, is he going to nut me.
He appears not to be nutting me, but he
might well nut me.
TOBY
So what did Karen Clark want?
SIMON
Do you think I came over as weak on the
committee over there?
TOBY
Well, uh, no, of course not. I suppose -
Simon's phone goes again. He winces picks up.
84 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT/INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY 84
INTERCUT PHONE CALL:
KAREN
Also - the war committee got leaked, and
that leak came from your department.
Page 76
84 CON TINUE D: 84
SIMON
I find that difficult to believe.
KAREN
I want action to be taken. I want a head.
On a plate. To go.
PHONE CALL ENDS:
She hangs up.
SIMON
(to the phone)
You don't work here. You're not my boss.
Fuck off. You can't make me sack people.
85 INT. DFID - DAY 85
Simon is getting into his office - he and Toby are back
from the constituency office.
SIMON
We need to talk in my office.
JUDY
About what?
SIMON
(patronising)
I think you know.
A land line is ringing in the open plan office. Judy
picks up. Simon has gone into his office and has assumed
the bollocking position.
JUDY
(taking call)
Sorry, this is the wrong extension. I'll
put you through now.
Judy punches a button on her phone. Toby's land line
starts ringing. Simon comes out.
SIMON
(walking backwards into his
office)
Come, come into my office.
JUDY
Why? Why do you need to see me?
TOBY
(to Judy)
What's this?
Page 77
85 CON TINUE D: 85
JUDY
It's the mad man about the wall.
TOBY
The war?
JUDY
The wall.
SIMON
(following her out,
exasperated)
Can you come into my office so I can tell
you off?
Toby answers his phone, resigned.
TOBY
Hello. Can I help you?
Malcolm sweeps in, straight past Toby, slapping him on
the back of the head as he passes.
TOBY (CONT'D)
You fucker.
(to phone)
No, not you.
Malcolm pushes Judy back into Simon's office as she's
leaving it, Simon behind Judy walks backwards to his
desk, the three of them in a line. Malcolm shuts the door
and unleashes a torrent of abuse we can't hear.
86 INT. PAUL MICHAELSON'S GARDEN/INT. DFID - CONTINUOUS 86
Wall man Paul is on the phone, standing with a JOURNALIST
by the offending wall, now badly propped up. The
journalist is taking notes and photographs.
INTERCUT PHONE CALL:
TOBY
What can I do for you Paul?
PAUL MICHAELSON
These `temporary buttresses' you got put
up.
TOBY
Right?
PAUL MICHAELSON
They're basically a pair of twigs. Thin
twigs.
Page 78
86 CON TINUE D: 86
TOBY
I'm sure they're not twigs.
PAUL MICHAELSON
No they're twigs.
(to Journalist)
Are you getting a picture of those twigs?
That wall could fall on my mum and crush
her. Do you know how old she is?
(calling off)
Mum, how old are you? I want to tell the
newspaper guy.
MUM (O.S.)
Sixty.
During this conversation Malcolm arrives.
MALCOLM
I want a word with the minister and
Charlotte Fucking Bronte.
PAUL MICHAELSON
You're never fucking sixty. You're older
than that. Sixty. How old are you really?
MUM (O.S.)
I'm sixty. If it's going in a newspaper,
I'm sixty.
PAUL MICHAELSON
Fuck off are you sixty. Olivia Newton-
John's fucking sixty. And she's not on
the statins, is she?
TOBY
Could you tell your mum to stay away from
the wall just for the time being?
PAUL MICHAELSON
She needs to get to her plants.
(like Toby's an idiot)
She has to water them. Plants need water.
TOBY
No, sure, but could she use a hose, from
a distance?
PAUL MICHAELSON
She doesn't have a hose, she's got a
watering can. This is like talking to a
brick wall about a brick wall.
(to journalist)
Get that down, that's gold.
Toby can still see Malcolm going ballistic at Simon and
Judy in Simon's office.
Page 79
87 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER 87
Karen runs out of the lifts. There's even more of a buzz
than usual, people running around. She sees Bob Adriano,
Linton and Chad in a huddle in Linton's air. Hurries over
to Liza.
KAREN
Liza, what's up? Why is everyone running
around? This better be a fucking fire
drill.
LIZA
The President has said he's vetoing
tarrifs on Chinese auto imports.
KAREN
Shit.
Karen calls over to a staffer, ABBEY.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Abbey, get me the president's statement.
ABBEY
Mr Barwick has asked me to...
Karen is beginning to lose it.
KAREN
You work to me, Abbey, you fucking work
to me. Get me the statement. Or I will
call security and have you escorted off
the premises via the window.
Karen crosses quickly to her office. Liza follows.
LIZA
Sorry, why is that...? He's...what,
buttering the Chinese up?
KAREN
He needs them to at least abstain in the
security council.
A beat.
LIZA
We're going to the UN.
KAREN
Yes, we're going to the UN.
LIZA
Shit.
Page 80
87 CON TINUE D: 87
Karen kicks a waste-paper basket.
KAREN
I should be told this fucking stuff!
I'm going into Linton's office and
pulling the pin on his grenade.
LIZA
Don't do that.
KAREN
I'm fucking joking.
LIZA
Oh.
KAREN
Why didn't you know about this?
LIZA
Well since I created the budget deficit
the President doesn't tend to run things
by me anymore.
KAREN
Don't get funny with me. I am not in the
mood.
LIZA
No. I'm getting that.
88 INT. MALCOLM'S OFFICE - DAY 88
Malcolm is with Simon and Toby. Malcolm has a local
Northamptonshire paper.
MALCOLM
(reading)
"While Foster jets around at the
taxpayer's expense, his constituency
headquarter's wall's collapsing and he
doesn't give a shit.
SIMON
It doesn't say that.
MALCOLM
(holding up paper)
No but it says `Wall-ace and Gromitt'
SIMON
Wall-ace though?
Page 81
88 CON TINUE D: 88
MALCOLM
You are being portrayed as the biggest
twat in Northamptonshire, and that's
going some.
TOBY
It is just a wall, Malcolm.
MALCOLM
Listen, my little stem cell, I don't want
to be dealing with this either, okay?
I've got bigger fucking fish to fry,
believe me. I'm rolling blue whales in
breadcrumbs at the moment. I'm giving
this to Jamie.
SIMON
Oh great. The crossest man in Scotland.
Jamie enters, holding another local rag.
JAMIE
Well, if it isn't Humpty-Numpty...
SIMON
What is this, surround bollocking?
JAMIE
With respect, I haven't finished. If it
isn't Humpty-Numpty, sitting on top of a
collapsing wall like some clueless egg-
cunt.
SIMON
Hi Jamie.
TOBY
Hello.
JAMIE
Okay, that's enough of the fucking
Oxbridge pleasantries.
TOBY
How is saying "hello" a...
JAMIE
(grabbing a hole-puncher)
Shut it, Love, Actually, or I'll hole-
punch your face.
MALCOLM
Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of
the planet, okay?
Simon, Toby and Jamie look at him.
Page 82
88 CON TINUE D: (2) 88
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Don't look at me like that's arrogant.
That is just a fucking fact. Don't even
look at me.
(to Jamie)
Be gentle with them.
JAMIE
You know me, Malcy, kid gloves. Made
from real kids.
Malcolm leaves.
An awkward beat.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall
story is playing badly.
(looking in his paper)
Look, here's a cartoon of you as a
walrus.
SIMON
A walrus? I'm not fat. I don't even have
a moustache.
TOBY
Look...we hired some builders. They
didn't turn up when they said they would.
JAMIE
They're builders. What did you expect?!
Have you ever seen a film where the hero
is a builder? No. Because they never turn
up in the fucking nick of time.That's why
you never see a superhero with a hod.
89 EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE - A BIT LATER 89
Simon and Judy on their way into the foreign office.
Malcolm has gone in ahead. Suzy chatting on the stairs
with Toby.
Simon draws Judy to one side.
SIMON
This is all getting...this is a really
stressful job, you know that?
JUDY
Oh come on, you're not a brain surgeon,
you're not a snooker player ...
SIMON
I don't want to back a war, Judy.
Page 83
89 CON TINUE D: 89
JUDY
(oh this is what it's about)
Oh. Right.
A beat.
SIMON
Look, drop some hints, put some nods and
winks out there, that I'm toying with
resignation. Yeah? See if the PM reacts.
See how it plays.
JUDY
Put out some winks?
SIMON
And nods.
JUDY
Big nods?
SIMON
No, no, just sort of...
(he does a small nod)
That sort of size nod.
Judy nods.
SIMON (CONT'D)
No, not that much.
JUDY
No, I was just nodding normally to say I
understood the need for a small nod.
SIMON
Oh. Good.
They head in.
90 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY 90
In a nice room. Malcolm is with Michael, Suzy and a
couple of other civil servants.
MALCOLM
So, my lovely friends, bottom line...
MICHAEL
I hate that phrase. We're not in
retailing
MALCOLM
Sorry Michael, I promise never to use it
again.
(MOR E)
Page 84
90 CON TINUE D: 90
MAL COLM (CONT'D)
Bottom line, is that the President is
going to the UN, and the PM would like us
to join him. This will be the voe to
commence military action. So, Rob, Innis,
(to Toby)
Little Bo Cock Jockey
(to Judy)
And the leaky fucking mingebox, return to
your desks and prepare for some extreme
briefing.
Two CIVIL SERVANTS get up and exit. Judy walks across the
room and starts making calls, as does Toby. Michael walks
off into the next room, Suzy follows. They start calling.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Now then, you still got doubts,
Complicated Simon?
SIMON
What the fuck, Malcolm. This is all going
to spin along from here and we have a
vote and we go to war. We fight people,
and kill them, and our kids get killed,
and that's exactly the sort of thing I
didn't want to do when I went into
politics. That's the opposite of what I
want to be doing.
MALCOLM
That's why you've got to stay in
Government. In here you can influence
things, delay things. Out there you're
just another mad shouty fucker people
don't want to make eye-contact with.
Remember Mary? She took a stand over
Health. Everyone decided she was mental.
SIMON
Only because the Sun showed a photo of
her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.
MALCOLM
I found that a very powerful image.
(a beat)
Look, the Prime Minister of this country
is not a Viking. He doesn't drink blood,
he doesn't go round biting tramps. He
doesn't go to Chequers at the weekend for
a bit of light raping and a pub lunch.
SIMON
I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking,
Malcolm.
MALCOLM
Unlike me, the man abhors physical
violence.
(MOR E)
Page 85
90 CON TINUE D: (2) 90
MAL COLM (CONT'D)
He's a grade A fucking pussy and he knows
you have similar concerns and he wants
your input on this. Yeah?
SIMON
Where's the intelligence? Where's the
hard evidence?
MALCOLM
Listen, We've got evidence harder than a
diamond dildo. We have intelligence so
deep and hard it would fucking puncture
your kidneys.There's an informant, `Ice
Man', OK? The stuff he's giving us? It'll
make your blood run cold. And clot. Your
insides will turn to black pudding.
(lowering his voice)
...now, certain box-lickers are sitting
on it. But you're going to see it,
because the PM regards you as a key
player now.
Judy's mobile goes.
JUDY
Judy Molloy? (BEAT) Ten minutes. Thanks.
(to Simon)
Prime Minister wants to speak to you in
ten minutes, Simon. He want you to go the
UN.
Malcolm's heading out.
MALCOLM
See- you're A-list now. You're a
Kennedy. In the VIP lounge, with the gold
card and the complimentary drinks and the
hard-on.
Malcolm leaves. A beat.
SIMON
(shouting to Malcolm)
Show me the evidence, Malcolm, that's my
fucking bottom line.
JUDY
So do you still want...nods and winks?
Simon nods a little nod. Then shakes his head slightly.
Then nods a slight nod again.
91 INT. WESTMINSTER PUB - DAY 91
Suzy, Michael and Judy are having a drink in a pub. Maybe
they're sitting in a four seater booth?
Page 86
91 CON TINUE D: 91
Their phones are on the table. As is a bottle of
Sancerre. Judy's got her power walking trainers on and
her rucksack with her.
MICHAEL
Cheers everyone. Here's to surviving
another day.
They clink glasses.
JUDY
My theory is Malcolm built Jamie in a lab
out of bits of old psychopath.
Toby arrives, dumps his coat, bag, puts his phone on the
table.
TOBY
Hello ladies.
SUZY
And gentleman.
TOBY
(doing the joke again)
Hello ladies. I'm just going to -
MICHAEL
Oh. Lovely. I think we could have another
bottle of Sancerre.
TOBY
Great.
SUZY
If you can afford it.
JUDY
If you can get served at the bar.
He goes to the bar. His phone gets a text. Suzy picks it
up, reads it.
SUZY
Fucking hell. Here we go again. Fucking
arsehole.
MICHAEL
You're kidding? What's it say?
(peering at the phone)
Woah!
Suzy shows the phone to Judy.
JUDY
What a twat.
(beat)
What are you doing? Are you replying?
Page 87
91 CON TINUE D: (2) 91
Suzy's texting on Toby's mobile. Toby's coming back. Suzy
puts the phone back down.
TOBY
Yeah I wouldn't want to meet Jamie in a
dark alley. Or a bright alley. The whole
thing of just being in an alley with him
would be scary, regardless of the
lighting.
Suzy cuts in.
SUZY
You've got a text.
TOBY
(reading, covering)
Oh yeah. It's just Rob about football.
SUZY
So, Liza. You shagged her?
TOBY
What? No.
SUZY
(to Judy)
Did you know my flakey boyfriend has been
getting his flakey end away?
JUDY
I don't know anything about his flakey
end.
TOBY
Could we not talk about accusations and,
health issues, in the pub?
JUDY
I should go.
SUZY
You haven't finished your drink.
JUDY
No. I mainly have.
SUZY
Why did you do it?
TOBY
I don't know, it was a weird, intense
time over there. It was...maybe,
subconsciously, I don't know, it was a
kind of last ditch attempt to stop this,
awful...war.
Page 88
91 CON TINUE D: (3) 91
A beat. Michael and Judy dissolve into laughter.
MICHAEL
That's classic. That's definitely going
in the memoirs.
SUZY
You had sex because of the war?
TOBY
In the broad sense.
(to Judy and Michael)
Sorry, can you stop doing that? Can we go
somewhere where they're aren't enormous
children eating snacks?
JUDY
I should go.
SUZY
Actually I'll go.
She goes. Toby goes after her.
MICHAEL
(a beat)
Shall we stay?
JUDY
I should go. I've got a long walk ahead
of me. But that'll keep me going.
92 INT. TOBY'S FLAT - EVENING 92
Toby lets himself into the flat. Goes through to the
kitchen. Suzy is there with Michael.
TOBY
What the fuck is he doing here?
SUZY
What?! What the fuck are you doing here?
TOBY
Well I live here.
SUZY
No you don't actually.
(to Michael)
I'll go make that tea.
Suzy and Toby go into the kitchen.
TOBY
(beat)
Well, if I'm leaving, I'm taking my brie.
(MOR E)
Page 89
92 CON TINUE D: 92
TOB Y (CONT'D)
And the port. And my Nando's peri-peri
sauce.
They go back out into the living room.
SUZY
Don't forget your hydrocortisone.
TOBY
You putting this in your memoirs as well?
MICHAEL
I should go.
SUZY
No, it's fine. Stay.
93 INT. TOBY'S FLAT - LATER 93
Toby is in the bedroom. A few boxes are lying around.
He's putting clothes into bin liners. Suzy is hovering.
Michael brings through some teas. The atmosphere is very
frosty and awkward.
TOBY
Where's my needlecord jacket?
SUZY
Your geography teacher's jacket?
Toby thinks better of responding. Starts folding some
shirts. Michael takes over
MICHAEL
That's not how you fold.
TOBY
Michael, this is one of the more
humiliating moments of my life. I can
pack a bag.
MICHAEL
The key to travelling is packing.
TOBY
I'm not going to fucking Fiji Michael,
I'm being chucked out of my house.
MICHAEL
It'll save time the other end.
TOBY
There is no other end.
Toby moves through to the kitchen to get his jeans. Suzy
and Michael follow.
Page 90
93 CON TINUE D: 93
SUZY
Has she got big tits?
TOBY
Massive. Enormous. You can see them on
Google Earth. They've got their own
postcode.
Toby gets his jeans and some other clothes. He's laden
down with boxes and bags and can hardly see. Comes out
into the hall. Suzy is there without Michael.
TOBY (CONT'D)
See you then.
SUZY
Okay.
Toby struggles to open the front door. Suzy opens it.
Toby goes to leave then stops.
TOBY
Look, Suzy, this is probably going to
sound odd under the circumstances.
SUZY
Quickie?
TOBY
No. Thank you. But no. It's about Liza.
SUZY
Oh good tell me more, tell me more about
her tits.
TOBY
Listen, Suze, Liza wrote a paper, Pwip-
Pip. I think, if it got leaked, it could
stop the war.
He holds out the memory stick.
MICHAEL
Good tactic. Get earnest. I tried that
with the wife. Didn't work.
SUZY
You are such a fucking coward, you know
that? And this is what? A make up leak?
TOBY
Does such a thing exist?
Page 91
93 CON TINUE D: (2) 93
SUZY
Toby, take your rubbish clothes and your
back issues of Mojo, your flute, and
your eighth of dope and leave me the fuck
alone.
Toby leaves the memory stick in the flat. Then heads out.
94 INT. CAR - DAY 94
Simon, Toby and Judy are on the way to Heathrow.
SIMON
Should I resign? I've floated that I
might, when I thought I wouldn't, so
it'll look convincing if I did. I mean,
do you think, is it braver to just resign
and say, `No, no war'?
JUDY
Yes.
SIMON
Or is it actually braver to say, `I don't
agree, but I'm going to grit my teeth and
get on with it?' Is the really brave
thing actually doing what you don't
believe?
JUDY
No.
TOBY
Though -- maybe? What's brave about doing
the `right thing'? Nothing. Doing the
wrong thing is braver. In a way. I mean,
you know, wars sometimes work. The War of
Independence, that worked. For the
Americans. Second World War. That was a
good idea. I mean not a good idea but ...
SIMON
I know what you mean. And the Crimean War
-- we got nurses out of that.
TOBY
Nurses are good.
SIMON
(as if they've achieved
something)
Exactly. So...right. Exactly.
JUDY
So you're not resigning?
Page 92
94 CON TINUE D: 94
SIMON
No, I..(trying to change the subject)
where's Malcolm?
95 INT. AIRPORT ARRIVALS - DAY 95
Judy, Simon and Toby are walking past a baggage carousel.
SIMON
(conspiratorially to Toby)
In the motorcade. Let's get a car without
Judy.
TOBY
You want hookers? You like hooky fucky?
SIMON
I want to talk about the resigning thing.
TOBY
Still?
SIMON
But with you and not her. She has this
air of moral righteousness that inhibits
you from... saying anything morally
wrong.
96 INT. LIMO - DAY 96
Simon and Toby looking very uptight. Malcolm's with them.
MALCOLM
(looking at phone)
So. The wires are all currently reporting
that you're going to resign from
government over the war.
SIMON
What? That wasn't supposed to get
outside.
MALCOLM
Yeah well it is outside. It's lurking
outside like a big hairy rapist at a
coach station.
Simon looks to Toby for help.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Do you know, if I could I'd punch you
into total paralysis.
Page 93
INT. UN BUILDING - DAY
97 97
Malcolm, Simon, Toby and Judy are being led through a
bleak, soulless basement corridor in the UN by Sir
Jonathan Tutt, the British ambassador to the UN.
SIR JONATHAN
Hello, gentlemen, Sir Jonathan Tutt. This
is it. The United Nations.
SIMON
It's all a bit `blurrrgh', isn't it?
JUDY
It could do with a few more scatter
cushions and a bit less asbestos.
SIR JONATHAN
I don't know what you were expecting --
Jacobean panelling perhaps, arabesques of
stonework tracery... great fountains...
MALCOLM
It's a shithole. It looks like a hospice
for robots.
They pass a big office.
SIR JONATHAN
Linton Barwick is in there. Karen Clark
is there. You're right here.
Sir Jonathan shows them to their office.
SIR JONATHAN (CONT'D)
If you need anything, just whistle. You
know how to whistle don't you Malcolm?
You just put your lips together and blow.
Malcolm and Toby look at one another.
SIR JONATHAN (CONT'D)
Right. I'm off upstairs to the informal
delegates' reception. Hope there's
nibbles, I'm ravenous.
Sir Jonathan leaves.
MALCOLM
Nibbles? Who still says nibbles?
TOBY
Fuck the nibbles, what was with the
homoerotic tension?
Malcolm gets a call.
Page 94
97 CON TINUE D: 97
MALCOLM
Jamie. Hello?
He looks at his phone.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
No fucking signal down here. Jesus.
I'd be better off in an internet cafe in
Kircoddy.
He leaves the room.
98 INT. NUMBER 10 - SAME TIME 98
Jamie is on the phone, running down a corridor.
JAMIE
Okay, your phone's off, which means
you've been shot dead by a fat American,
but there's been a fucktastrophe.
Someone's leaked Liza Weld's Pwip Pip
paper to the BBC. I reckon it'll be on
the Six O'Clock news here, one o'clock
your time, so it's going to fist your
fucking vote apart. Missing you loads,
pwip-pip, toodle-oo!
99 EXT. UN BUILDING - DAY 99
Malcolm finishing listening to his voicemail, dialling
and running back into the building, pushing past a crowd
of smokers at the doorway.
MALCOLM
Okay Jamie, two jobs. One: find the Pwip
Pip leaker and kill them. That's one job.
Job one has two parts. Job two: stop Pwip
Pip coming out. Sow enough seeds of fear
and doubt that the fat arses at the BBC
dither till after the vote, okay? After
the vote Enola Gay is cleared for take-
off and everything is groovy. I love
you.
100 INT. UN FUNCTION ROOM/BAR - CONTINUOUS 100
Lots of delegates drinking and eating and chatting. We
glimpse Linton, Karen, General Miller. Sir Jonathan is
there, mingling.
Malcolm approaches Simon, Toby, Judy and Sir Jonathan.
Page 95
100 CON TINUE D: 100
MALCOLM
(to Sir Jonathan)
Do not move from this spot or I'll
fucking stab you.
SIR JONATHAN
Hm?
MALCOLM
(to Simon)
Was it you?
SIMON
No, what? No.
MALCOLM
But you know what I'm talking about?
SIMON
No, but whatever it was I didn't do it.
MALCOLM
(to Toby)
Was it you, The-Baby-From-Eraserhead?
TOBY
No.
MALCOLM
(to Judy)
So it must have been you Woman from The
Crying Game?
JUDY
It wasn't me. You've really got it in for
me haven't you?
MALCOLM
Someone's dropped a bollock in the
noodles and I reckon it was you.
JUDY
We've done this all before. You accused
me of leaking last time and it wasn't me.
MALCOLM
Yeah well I know you didn't leak last
time. But what I reckon is you got so
pissy about being accused, you leaked
this time.
TOBY
Yeah. Yeah, that does sound possible.
JUDY
Look Springer Spaniel, keep your little
wet nose out alright?
Page 96
100 CON TINUE D: (2) 100
TOBY
I'm just saying psychologically speaking
that sounds plausible - that you might
build up a resentment and then pay it off
in some underhand way. That's just
something I've observed.
Malcolm's had enough goes over and grabs Sir Jonathan,
mid-conversation, and manhandles him away.
MALCOLM
Come on, Baldermort, I need a word.
Meanwhile Judy and Toby are left alone - Toby embarrassed
about his comments.
TOBY
(they look at each other)
Sorry about that - it's just ...
(mumbles)
something I've observed.
JUDY
Wanker. It's okay. It's fine. It's
probably just the stress of this awful,
awful war.
Malcolm drags the ambassador into a corner.
MALCOLM
We're in a new reality now and You've got
to speed things up.
SIR JONATHAN
What things? Speed up what?
MALCOLM
The debate. It needs to start at eleven
o'clock, not one thirty.
SIR JONATHAN
Hehe. Can I perhaps briefly explain the
way the process works? And why that isn't
possible? You see through that door there
are a number of secretariats that are
currently doing what we call the washing
up now...
MALCOLM
Just fucking do it, fishlips. Otherwise
you'll find yourself in some medieval
warzone in the Caucasus with your arse in
the air, trying to persuade a group of
men in balaclavas that sustained sexual
violence is not the way forward.
Page 97
100 CON TINUE D: (3) 100
SIR JONATHAN
No, it can't be. I mean it could be done,
it just can't.
MALCOLM
Then I'll do it.
(motioning to a door)
They're through there?
SIR JONATHAN
Yes but you can't go in, that would be a
serious breach of protocol ...
He's blocking Malcolm. Malcolm grabs his hand.
MALCOLM
Then you do it. Get in there.
He is almost man-handling him in.
SIR JONATHAN
I'm not dancing with you Malcolm.
MALCOLM
I'm leading, look follow my lead.
SIR JONATHAN
You're not dancing me into the
secretariat!
Jonathan breaks off and under his own steam prepares to
go in.
As Malcolm is leaving Miller blocks his path.
MALCOLM
Where's the intel? Are you sure you're
working as hard as me? Cos I'm sweating
spinal fluid here. I'm a husk.
MILLER
You get everything you need?
MALCOLM
(in a hurry)
Oh yeah I think so. Thanks.
(a beat, thinks)
Oh, Whoa whoa whoa just a wee moment
General Flintstone. Was it you? Did you
leak Pwip Pip? I know you can't fire a
gun, but can you use a fax?
MILLER
No, see, because I'm upfront about what I
do. I don't creep around like some
fucking gay mercenary doing other
people's dirty work.
Page 98
100 CON TINUE D: (4) 100
MALCOLM
I'm doing my own work. I'm doing my job.
MILLER
Uh-hu. I think you're doing Linton's
dirty work. I think you're his English
bitch and if I walked into your hotel
room tonight I'd find you on all fours in
fishnets and him hanging out the back of
you.
MALCOLM
Oooo. Tough talk from the armchair
General. What you going to do? Throw a
cushion at me? Put your feet up on a poof
and go back to sleep why don't you?
GENERAL MILLER
Listen, Tucker, you may be some scary
poodlefucker back in London, but here?
You know what you look like? A fucking
squeezed dick. You got a blue vein
running all the way up to your temple
there. That's where I'd put the fucking
bullet. But I'd stand well back. You look
like you'd be a squirter.
MALCOLM
Have you ever even killed anybody?
Really?
GENERAL MILLER
Yep.
MALCOLM
Falling asleep on someone doesn't count.
GENERAL MILLER
(closer)
I've done my share. How many you kill,
pussy drip?
MALCOLM
Personally, I prefer maiming.
GENERAL MILLER
Go on, tough guy, take a swing at me.
I'll smack you so fucking hard you'll be
shitting teeth.
MALCOLM
Go ahead. I can see the headlines now.
'Peace-Loving General Starts Fight In UN,
Swiss Intervene'. I don't know, I'm no
expert on spin but could that hurt your
career?
Page 99
100 CON TINUE D: (5) 100
They eyeball each other. Is Miller going to hit him? He
doesn't.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Right. Do excuse me. I've got work to do.
Oh, and don't EVER call me fucking
English again.
101 INT. UN CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 101
Sir Jonathan walks in. A lot of faces are turned towards
him, expectantly.
SIR JONATHAN
Hello everyone. I was wondering if I
might suggest a cheeky early vote? Bit of
an adventure. Maybe, we could knock off
early, go for a drink? Ha. I'm kidding.
Or am I? No, I am.
102 INT. KAREN CLARK'S UN OFFICE - DAY 102
Karen and Miller are looking at a computer screen,
presumably reading about Simon's floated resignation.
KAREN
(looking at computer)
There it is. Simon's going. Everyone's
saying he's going.
Simon passes their open door.
GENERAL MILLER
(spotting Simon)
Simon! There he is! Simon.
(re internet)
This is great shit. I wasn't sure you had
the nerve. You're resigning?
SIMON
Ah okay. They're not running with that? I
have not said that.
GENERAL MILLER
You're not resigning?
KAREN
You're still playing the hawk?
SIMON
It's much subtler than that. It's
nuanced. I'm playing a much cleverer game
than that. I'm a
(whispering)
fake hawk.
Page 100
102 CON TINUE D: 102
GENERAL MILLER
I'm sorry?
SIMON
(whispering)
Fake hawk.
GENERAL MILLER
You're a fake hawk? You're a fucking
idiot. You're not a fake idiot are you.
Karen and Miller go into a confab.
Karen and Miller immediately go into a huddle and start
planning Simon's future.
KAREN
(to General Miller, as if
Simon's not there)
We could just tell the press he's going
anyway. Say he's confirmed to us that
he's resigning.
SIMON
Sorry?
GENERAL MILLER
I second that.
SIMON
What? You can't.
GENERAL MILLER
Do we announce it before or after the
vote?
KAREN
During. Then he can't do anything about
it.
GENERAL MILLER
Great. That's decided then.
SIMON
No. No it's bloody not. I'm - me. You're
not me. I decide about all the main
things about me, okay? Not you. Me.
GENERAL MILLER
No. No Simon. I'm afraid not. Not on this
one. This is too big for you.
KAREN
Be realistic. You're being used. We all
are. The one thing we can do now to
influence things is to resign. Sacrifice
ourselves. That's our only weapon.
Page 101
102 CON TINUE D: (2) 102
SIMON
Like a suicide bomber?
GENERAL MILLER
No, not like a suicide bomber. A suicide
bomber gets to make a decision.
103 INT. ANOTHER UN OFFICE - DAY 103
Toby and Liza are sitting near each other on the floor
working on laptops. They're at right-angles to each
other. Toby has a view of Liza. She's facing away from
him.
TOBY
Listen, I'm really sorry about Suzy and
the texting and ...
LIZA
Good. Thanks. Do you have figures there
for CFE minimum requirements?
TOBY
Er?
LIZA
Conventional Forces in Europe.
TOBY
Sure. I'll just dig that out.
(beat, taps on his laptop,
then very quietly)
Look it was a very special evening for me
and ...
LIZA
(pissed off)
Sorry? What? You're mumbling.
TOBY
I just wandered if tonight when all this
shit is over we couldn't - you know.
You're single. I'm single now. You're a
woman. I'm not.
LIZA
You want to have sex again?
TOBY
It's not a terrible idea is it? One more.
For the Gipper?
LIZA
You know what a douchbag is Toby? You're
a douchbag on fucking wheels.
Page 102
103 CON TINUE D: 103
TOBY
Thanks. That was short and sweet. Well,
short and sour.
104 INT. UN MEDITATION ROOM - DAY 104
Simon is sitting in the Meditation Room, a stark chapel-
like room with a big piece of granite in the middle of
it. He's biting his nails, thinking.
Judy comes in.
JUDY
You okay?
SIMON
I'm thinking of becoming a suicide
bomber.
JUDY
That's certainly a very powerful way of
getting your point across.
He pulls out some mints.
SIMON
Would you like a mint?
JUDY
I'm okay thanks. Are you thinking to
overdose on mints? Because...
Simon eats a mint.
He's lost in his own world. Staring, maybe slightly
nodding at the thoughts in his own head.
SIMON
Do you like me Judy?
JUDY
You're my boss.
SIMON
Yeah, but do you actually like me.
A beat.
JUDY
Sure. Look, I'll leave you to your
thoughts.
Page 103
104 CON TINUE D: 104
SIMON
I haven't got any thoughts. I'm just
staring vacantly into space while a
distant voice in the back of my head goes
"oh shit" like a car alarm in the middle
of the night.
Simon eats another mint. Sits there noisily sucking it.
Judy leaves.
105 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY 105
Michael and Suzy are sitting talking in an FO office.
Jamie bursts in.
JAMIE
Was it you?
MICHAEL
Sorry?
JAMIE
Not you. I know it wasn't you, you're too
fucking horny for your Knighthood.
(TO SUZY)
Was it you?
SUZY
Was what me?
JAMIE
Was it fucking you!? Answer the question!
MICHAEL
She can't very well answer the question
if you don't tell her what it is, can
she?
JAMIE
Fuck off to your room, Count of Cunty
Cristo, this is between me and her.
(to Suzy)
You leaked Liza Weld's paper to the BBC.
Tell me you leaked it.
SUZY
I didn't leak anything. I don't know what
you're talking about.
JAMIE
You're lying. You touched your nose.
That's what's called a `tell'. You are
lying.
Page 104
105 CON TINUE D: 105
SUZY
No I'm not.
JAMIE
`No I'm not.' That's a tell as well.
Classic.
(changing tack to terror)
I know the leak came from here, from this
fucking fax machine here.
He pushes a fax casually off the table onto the floor.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
This is what I'm doing to the machine.
(he kicks it, hard till bits
start to break off, but he's
still quite controlled
talking, as he kicks more)
You see? This is how angry I am with the
piece of office equipment which leaked
this document, so can you imagine how
angry I am with the person who did it?
Yeah? Can you Suzy?
He kicks the fax machine again.
MICHAEL
It was me.
JAMIE
Oh fuck off. Don't come over all
Spartacus now.
MICHAEL
I leaked it.
JAMIE
What?
Advances on Michael, becomes aware of the music. Jamie
points to the CD player.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Okay for a start turn that fucking row
off. It's just fucking vowels. Listen to
it. Just subsidised fucking foreign
vowels. You only listen to that shit
because it's bad form to actually wear a
big hat that says "I went to private
school".
Michael doesn't turn it off, so Jamie does.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Who did you leak it to?
Page 105
105 CON TINUE D: (2) 105
MICHAEL
I just sent it. I thought it was
important so I sent it through.
JAMIE
(considers then, )
Ok. See this fax machine?(kick) That's
your career. I'm pretty sure it's fucked.
Let me just check (kick). Yeah, it is.
Plus, breach of Official Secrets, so
that's fucking swannee. Maybe you can get
a part time job in West End as a
gentleman's fluffer. Or whatever the fuck
they call it these days.
Jamie is heading off.
MICHAEL
Well, you know -- better to go out with a
bang...
JAMIE
No, no. I will not allow this to be a
bang. This will be a whimper, a tiny
pathetic whimper like a puppy being
fucked by a big metal puppy-fucking
machine. And they do exist, `cos my
gran's got one.
Jamie leaves.
106 INT. UN MEDITATION ROOM - DAY 106
Malcolm and Linton enter. We see Simon's mints lying on
the big stone in the middle of the room.
LINTON
So we're down to the wire here, Mr
Miracle Worker, what have you got for me?
What intel have you rustled us up?
MALCOLM
Honestly? I haven't got it. We need more
time.
LINTON
You haven't got it? Can you delay the
vote to give you time to get it?
MALCOLM
No. I've had the vote brought forward.
Simon comes in to retrieve his mints.
SIMON
Just getting my mints.
Page 106
106 CON TINUE D: 106
LINTON
I am telling you to delay the vote and
get me some new intel. Now.
MALCOLM
Okay, quick reality check, J Edgar
Fucking Hoover. I don't work for you. You
don't tell me what to fucking do.
LINTON
Well firstly, don't raise your voice.
This is a sacred space. You may not
believe that, I may not believe that, but
by God it's a useful hypocrisy. And
secondarily you do work for me. Your
prime minister instructed you to work for
me.
Malcolm glances at Simon.
MALCOLM
Get your Polos and fuck off.
Simon stays where he is. Linton starts laughing. Toby
enters, watches in amazement.
LINTON
The great Malcolm Tucker. One of your
guys has leaked a paper, you can't do
anything. We tell you to get intel, you
can't do anything. I need the vote put
back - you can't do anything. You, sir,
are a useless piece of `S' star star `T'.
A beat.
MALCOLM
(quietly, to Toby)
What do you want?
TOBY
We've just heard -- the wall's starting
to collapse. A brick has fallen. That's
the news I'm getting. More to follow.
Both news and bricks.
Linton laughs again.
LINTON
Why don't you deal with that Tucker? A
wall is falling down, that's more your
level. I can see you with your shirt off
and a wheelbarrow whistling a happy song.
Linton walks out.
Page 107
106 CON TINUE D: (2) 106
SIMON
You've been working for him?
MALCOLM
It's complicated, okay? I've been
juggling a number of responsibilities.
Simon stares at Malcolm. He takes a mint and pops it in
his mouth.
SIMON
Okay, well, right, after the vote, I
resign.
MALCOLM
Look. It's too late now. Resigning. It's
not worth it. The horse has bolted. It's
out there getting shot now.
SIMON
I'll see you later, Malcolm.
Simon exits.
MALCOLM
(to Toby)
If you repeat this to anyone I will pull
your leg off, break it in two and stab
you to death with your broken shin bone.
Now go away.
Toby leaves.
Malcolm sits down, head in his hands.
107 INT. UN FUNCTION ROOM - SAME TIME 107
The delegates are still mingling. Toby is there now.
Toby's phone goes. He answers.
TOBY
(into phone)
Suzy, how's it going? Has Jamie been
round? Right...
Liza comes over.
LIZA
This is you, isn't it?
TOBY
(indicating himself)
This is me, yes. And that's you. I
thought we had this worked out.
(into phone)
(MOR E)
Page 108
107 CON TINUE D: 107
TOB Y (CONT'D)
Sorry Suze I've got an incoming call,
I'll ring back for a further bollocking.
LIZA
I've got something big lined up and you
better not have fucked it up for me.
Liza leaves.
TOBY
(into phone)
Hello? Oh hi, Paul. How's it going? No,
yes, I know the wall is collapsing. I'm
as frustrated as you are mate.
The Vice President starts to walk by. Toby sees him,
wants to shake his hand.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Look, could I call you back Paul? It's
just the Vice President's ... I couldn't?
No, okay, let's keep talking...
The Vice President has gone.
INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - SAME TIME
108 108
Michael and Suzy in Michael's office, classical music in
the background. Michael's clearing his desk, putting
stuff in boxes. Jamie bursts in on Michael and Suzy, his
phone still on.
JAMIE
Right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I've got
good news. You're not fired. That's great
news, isn't it?
MICHAEL
That sounds ominous.
JAMIE
He's fucking delighted.
(cancels phone)
We want to put Liza Weld's Pwip Pip out
there, properly. In the public domain. We
just have to refine it a bit.
SUZY
Refine it?
JAMIE
Take out the cons, change the name of the
main informant.
MICHAEL
That's a complete fabrication.
Page 109
108 CON TINUE D: 108
JAMIE
Changing his name doesn't make a
difference. The main source in there he's
not really called Ice Man, is he? "Mr and
Mrs Man, you've got a son, Ice." So we
change it, to another name. Who's the
fuck with the fiddle? The Fiddlefuck.
MICHAEL
This is Debussy, if that's what you mean.
JAMIE
Okay, we'll call him Debussy.
MICHAEL
No.
JAMIE
And then you'll make a couple of other
changes. It'll mean your fingerprints are
on it, Mikey, but it's the only way to
save your job, you leaky fuck.
Michael is now scared of what he's being asked to do.
MICHAEL
It wasn't me, Jamie, alright? It wasn't
me. Don't make me do this. Someone else
must have come in and used the fax
machine.
JAMIE
What? Oh, that thing about your fax?
Don't worry about that. I made that up.
The paper was sent by e-mail. It;s just,
the fax machine was there and it;s easier
to kick.
Michael looks at Suzy. She doesn't know what to say or
do.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
(grabbing Michael)
Come on Deuce Bigalow. You're coming with
me.
He drags Michael out of the office.
109 INT. UN CORRIDOR - DAY 109
On the closed door of the Meditation Room. Malcolm
suddenly bursts out, re-energised, ready for action. He's
in the middle of a call.
Page 110
109 CON TINUE D: 109
MALCOLM
Yeah, BBC newsdesk please. Malcolm
Tucker. (BEAT) Ben? Hi, how you doing?
Yeah, well, I'm hearing you're preparing
a story that we might not like.
One of the doors he pushes open has a coffee machine in
it. Toby is there getting a coffee. Malcolm gestures to
him to come along. Toby joins Malc in his jog through the
corridors, spilling his coffee on his hands as he goes
and scalding himself.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
I just want to say please, this garden
wall story, please don't run with it.
(beat, winks at Toby - you
getting this?)
Simon Foster's constituency-office wall?
You've got that haven't you? I haven't
let the cat out of the bag? Shit. Look,
my reputation will be in tatters if you
run with...
(to Toby)
And he's gone. Boo hoo. I've got a hard
on.
TOBY
Can we stop running because my hands are
really rather badly burned now.
They stop.
MALCOLM
I know it was you who leaked Linton's War
Committee.
TOBY
Oh? Right.
(tries it out for size)
It wasn't?
MALCOLM
Are you telling me it wasn't you? Is that
your proposition? Is that want you want
to say if I ask them to fly you to Diego
Garcia and slip a hood over your head and
carry out a cavity search?
TOBY
(covering)
I don't actually recall. It was a busy
time.
MALCOLM
That's more like it. So...you are now on
probation. Okay?
(MOR E)
Page 111
109 CON TINUE D: (2) 109
MAL COLM (CONT'D)
I am giving you a probationary period,
which will last from today...until the
end of recorded time.
TOBY
Okay.
MALCOLM
You're my guy now. I own you now. You're
my Kunte Kinte. Go and get your laptop.
Toby goes.
Malcolm pushes open another door. Sir Jonathan Tutt is in
there.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Ah, ambassador -- with your big baldy
head you are spoiling us.
SIR JONATHAN
Good, I've been looking for you. I needed
to tell you that by a huge personal
effort -- huge --I have managed to bring
the vote forward by an hour and a half.
MALCOLM
Great. I need it delayed now.
SIR JONATHAN
Very funny. That is funny.
MALCOLM
By an hour, at least. Although I guess
two and a half hours now, as you've
brought it forward.
SIR JONATHAN
No, I'm sorry I'm very sorry but I won't
humiliate myself again.
MALCOLM
You do what I say or you can go and see
if Belize are looking for a new
ambassador but with a broken nose, one
bollock, and a half-chewed cock.
110 INT. UN CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 110
Sir Jonathan walks in. A lot of faces are turned towards
him, expectantly.
SIR JONATHAN
Right. What can I say? ......
Page 112
111 INT. TINY OFFICE 111
Jamie has taken Michael into a tiny windowless office.
Michael's hunched at his laptop, looking at the Pwip-Pip
document on his computer. Jamie stands right over him,
ominously.
JAMIE
(to Michael re: the office)
This is nice isn't it? Cosy. Away from
prying eyes.
MICHAEL
So what's this, your political wet-room?
Jamie's phone goes.
112 INT. UN CORRIDOR/TINY OFFICE - DAY 112
Toby is standing in front of Malcolm, holding his laptop
up for Malcolm to look at and a physical copy of the red
Pwip-Pip folder. He's also got the Pwip-Pip file on
screen.
MALCOLM
Is it up, have you got it up?
JAMIE
Yeah it's all fine.
MALCOLM
Okay, go to page nine, highlight that.
JAMIE
(to Michael)
Go to page nine.
Michael does.
MALCOLM
Highlight from that page to the end of
the document.
JAMIE
Do you mean select?
MALCOLM
I don't know I don't use these things.
JAMIE
(to Michael)
Select page nine to the end of the
document.
Page 113
112 CON TINUE D: 112
MICHAEL
The caveats?
Michael does it.
MALCOLM
Is it highlighted?
JAMIE
You mean selected, yeah it's selected.
MALCOLM
Okay, right, standby ... delete!
JAMIE
(to Michael)
Delete!
MICHAEL
(subdued)
You can't just delete the arguments
against the war.
Michael stops what he's doing.
MALCOLM
(to Toby)
Messenger! Get Messenger up!
Toby sticks Pwip-Pip in his mouth so he's got a hand free
to initiate MSN messenger.
JAMIE
Oh hang on Malc. Michael's stopped
moving. I think he's crashed.
Malcolm types something on the laptop while Toby holds it
up for him.
MALCOLM
Have you tried hitting him? Give him a
thump, that usually works.
JAMIE
Hang on, I think I might be able to use
manual over-ride.
Jamie picks up Michael's hand and pulls out his index
finger and places it on the delete key.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
No, it's okay. It's working again.
MALCOLM
Great. Now attach that to email.
Page 114
112 CON TINUE D: (2) 112
JAMIE
(to Michael)
Attach that to an email.
MALCOLM
(to Toby)
Right, let's find a printer. The
Japanese, they'll have one. They've got
everything.
113 INT. UN CORRIDOR - DAY 113
Malcolm approaches Toby.
MALCOLM
Get me a blue folder.
TOBY
Where from?
MALCOLM
I don't fucking know. Do I look like I've
ever set foot in a stationary cupboard? I
do my shagging in five star hotels. Now
go and find me a blue fucking folder.
Pronto.
Toby runs off.
114 INT. LINTON'S UN OFFICE - DAY 114
Malcolm walks in. He holds up his blue folder.
MALCOLM
The intelligence your guys couldn't find?
I think you owe me a massive, grovelling
apology.
LINTON
What, you did your job? Eventually?
Congratulations. Maybe they'll give you a
knighthood.
MALCOLM
It's been a pleasure working with you.
You know, I've met some psychos in my
time, but none as fucking BORING as you.
Oh sorry, that's right. You disapprove of
swearing. A boring F star star CUNT!
Malc hands over the folder and walks out.
Page 115
115 INT. UN - DAY 115
Linton, with Adriano now back beside him AND LIZA, is
waiting for hush from the assembled US delegation,
including Miller.
LINTON
Welcome aboard Liza. By the way,
congratulations on Pwip Pip. Excellent
work.
LIZA
Really?
LINTON
I don't know. I haven't read it
personally. No time. But it certainly
raised your profile.
LIZA
No. That old thing? That was like a
thousand years ago. More maybe.
LINTON
Terrific.
(to the delegation)
So, I'll keep this brief and to the
point. We go in, we make our case using
the new British intelligence from their
source `Debussy', we win the argument, we
get the hell out.
The delegation starts filing out.
116 INT. UN CORRIDOR- DAY 116
The Brit delegation are gathered round a screen in a
corridor showing the main debating chamber. The mood is
sombre.
CHAIR
(on screen)
Resolution 5977 is passed.
Judy looks at Malcolm. Malcolm looks straight ahead at
the screen, nods, impassive.
SIMON
Yup. That's that then.
TOBY
"That's that then"? That's your quote for
the ages is it?
Page 116
116 CON TINUE D: 116
SIMON
What?
TOBY
'And I remember the moment war was
declared. I turned to the Minister and he
said "That's that, then. Anyone want a
mint?".
SIMON
Piss off, Toby.
117 INT. UN - DAY 117
The mood is quietly buzzy. Job well done. Liza is there
too.
LINTON
We did it Bob!
BOB ADRIANO
Yes sir! There were moments when it was a
little hairy ...
LINTON
No there weren't, no.
They shake hands with various colleagues.
118 INT. TINY OFFICE - DAY 118
A TV shows BBC News 24's report on the vote. Jamie is
stroking Michael's hair in a sweet and therefore very
very scary way. Michael's staring ahead pretending it
isn't happening.
JAMIE
(sweetly)
Well done Michael. You did a good job.
You did a really, really good job.
INT. UN OFFICE - DAY
119 119
Karen enters. Chad is there too with General Miller.
KAREN
So, I emailed my resignation ten minutes
ago.
(to Miller)
Yours should come right after the
President's announcement, to have the
biggest media impact.
Page 117
119 CON TINUE D: 119
GENERAL MILLER
I've been thinking Karen. This has been
the hardest fucking decision of my
political life. I'm not resigning.
KAREN
What the fuck George. Seriously? You said
that the war was intolerable and we'd go
together.
GENERAL MILLER
It is - it is intolerable. I still agree
with myself about that. But I've got to
tolerate it. My loyalty is with the kids.
At the end of the day I'm a soldier.
KAREN
You're not a soldier.
GENERAL MILLER
Look at the uniform, Karen. I'm not a
pastry chef. I have military
commendations on my chest, not a little
fucking label saying My Name Is George.
KAREN
You're a politician. You live on canapes
and white wine and you have three
anecdotes you wheel out at every party
and you scour the national papers for
mentions of your name. You're a fucking
politician.
GENERAL MILLER
I'm still a soldier.
KAREN
When was the last time you shot a guy?
GENERAL MILLER
What, if I haven't shot a guy in 15 years
then I'm not a soldier? City hall don't
insist I bring along a fucking bullet-
ridden corpse every five years to renew
my soldier licence.
KAREN
You know this is an unnecessary war. It's
a war you don't believe in. Show me some
balls, George.
GENERAL MILLER
I know I've got balls, I don't need to
show them to you.
Page 118
119 CON TINUE D: (2) 119
KAREN
Oh sure, It just so happens they're
sitting pretty in a pair of Egyptian
cotton Ralph Lauren shorts on a
Government salary.
GENERAL MILLER
Don't talk about my fucking balls that
way. My balls have been around. My balls
have got balls.
KAREN
Come on Chad, let's leave the General and
his over-stuffed scrotum. We're going to
draft our resignation announcements.
Karen turns away from him.
CHAD
Er, I might, stay with the General
actually Karen, if that's okay? If he's
staying I might stay with him and see
what assistance I can furnish.
KAREN
Okay. General Shrek and his faithful
talking donkey.
She goes.
GENERAL MILLER
This takes balls Karen.
CHAD
You've got balls Sir. Anyone can see
you've got big balls. They're two-thirds
of a snowman.
GENERAL MILLER
Get the fuck away from me.
Miller walks off.
CHAD
Okay. This was not the plan.
120 INT. UN - DAY 120
Simon's on the phone to the wall man.
SIMON
No, you're right. I am a piss-brain.
That's the perfect word, Mr Michaelson.
Your mother came up with it? Well
congratulate her from me. I am a piss-
brain for letting this happen.
Page 119
120 CON TINUE D: 120
Simon sees Malcolm coming along. Starts to head back into
the shared office.
He rings off, Malcolm catches up with him in the office
MALCOLM
Simon, look, mate. Listen to me. You
still don't need to resign.
SIMON
No. I'm going to resign, Malcolm. In a
hour. You can't stop me now.
Toby comes over.
TOBY
Boss?
SIMON MALCOLM
Yes? Yes?
TOBY (CONT'D)
It's on the BBC News website -- Partial
collapse of the wall. Mrs Michaelson's
greenhouse has a smashed pane. The BBC
had a crew down there.
SIMON
God, and that's NEWS. Ridiculous, isn't
it?
MALCOLM
It's nor Ridiculous. You're fired.
SIMON
What?
MALCOLM
The wall. It's just not tolerable.
SIMON
It's just a fucking wall.
MALCOLM
Look at this.
(clicks his fingers at Toby)
Give me the paper.
(off Simon's look)
He's my new boy. I'm just breaking him
in.
TOBY
Here.
Page 120
120 CON TINUE D: (2) 120
MALCOLM
The Telegraph has a cartoon of you
crushed underneath the Great Wall Of
China, suggesting you are the only
political fuck-up visible from space.
Look at this. No one could survive this.
The PM is very clear on this - you're
sacked, over the wall.
SIMON
No.
MALCOLM
Yes.
SIMON
You haven't even - spoken to the Prime
Minister.
MALCOLM
Yes I have.
SIMON
You fucking haven't I've been right here.
MALCOLM
I have spoken to the Prime Minister.
Whether it has happened or not is
irrelevant. It is true. As soon as I
heard about the wall, I spoke to him and
he decided you had to go.
SIMON
I'm not going quietly.
MALCOLM
Yeah well if you try to turn this into
some anti-war protest, you can expect
your `mountain of conflict' soundbite to
be everywhere from ringtones to a fucking
dance mix on YouTube. I will marshall all
the forces of media darkness to hound you
to an assisted suicide.
A silence while Simon and Toby realise there is nowhere
for him to go.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Right, Rumpleforeskin's give me your
laptop, so -- shall we draft your `Dear
Prime Minister, just a quick note to say
thanks for sacking me' letter?
Simon doesn't know what else to do. Toby goes to get his
laptop. Miller is having a cigarette under a no-smoking
sign.
Page 121
120 CON TINUE D: (3) 120
TOBY
Hi. General? Look I realise this is a
slightly strange time to say this, but I
just want to say how much I admire...
GENERAL MILLER
Go fuck yoursefl, Frodo.
TOBY
Great. Lovely
Toby hurries off looking crushed. Miller takes another
drag on his cigarette.
INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. DAY
121 121
Linton is going through a list with Liza. General Miller
is sitting in on this meeting, looking slightly like a
man who's being shafted up the ass and having to pretend
to enjoy it.
LINTON
Okay, I don't want to be accused of micro
managing but I personally do not see that
`I heart Huckabees' should be on the list
of dvds suitable for forces
entertainment. That self-indulgent crap
is not suitable entertainment for combat
troops. And where's `United 93' on here?
That should be playing 24/7.
INT. CONSTITUENCY OFFICE. DAY.
122 122
Simon is back with Roz.
ROZ
Right, I've got a selection of quotes for
you, they're all local firms and none of
them is very well respected.
(gets another piece of paper
out)
Now, this sceptic tank is also rearing
it's pooy head again too.
Simon looks zonked with boredom.
123 INT. WHITE HOUSE 123
A.J.
Well Alan, I have been balled out by
Linton for allowing I Heart Huckabees on
to the troops DVD roster. You know the
phrase, "I'm too old for this shit? Well,
I'm too young for this shit.
(MOR E)
Page 122
123 CON TINUE D: 123
A.J. (CONT'D)
I should be out there having a youth.
Getting high, making women pregnant.
124 INT. DFID - DAY 124
Malcolm is walking through the open-plan office with
Judy. In the background we see Toby getting the last of
his things together.
The NEW MINISTER and her ADVISOR arrive. They are almost
carbon copies of Simon and Toby.
MALCOLM
Ah, here they are. Minister. Elizabeth.
Welcome aboard.
MINISTER
Thanks Malcolm. Looking forward to it.
War seems to be going `great guns' at the
moment.
MALCOLM
Ah, cheeky! Let me take you out for an
expensive lunch, roast swan and all the
trimmings, and I'll bring you up to speed
on the whole Middle East situation.
MINISTER
Are you twisting my arm already?
MALCOLM
Aye, but in a friendly, non-breaky way.
Watch your step there. There's still
blood on the deck.
ADVISOR
(to Judy)
Hi I'm Danny. Dan. I'm Elizabeth's chief
advisor.
JUDY
Judy Molloy. Senior Press -
ADVISOR
Have I got a desk?
JUDY
Yes, it's that one there.
She points at Toby's desk. The Minister and his advisor
start making themselves at home.
We stay on Toby now as Malcolm and Judy greet the new
guys.
Page 123
124 CONTINUE D: 124
Toby grabs the last of his things, glances over at them,
and them we follow him as he heads down the front steps.
THE END
