HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Written by
Douglas Adams
Based on the book
"The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
by
Douglas Adams
Revisions
by
Karey Kirkpatrick
8/8/03
3rd Revised Draft
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OVER DARKNESS... 1
...we hear what we will come to know as the VOICE OF THE
GUIDE.
GUIDE VOICE
It is an important and popular fact that
things are not always what they seem.
A small square image appears on screen. Home video. The
dolphin stadium at Sea World.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had
always assumed that he was the most
intelligent species occupying the planet,
instead of the third most intelligent
which was, in fact, entirely accurate.
The dolphins perform; leaping through hoops, etc.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The second most intelligent creatures
were, of course, dolphins who curiously
enough had long known of the impending
destruction of the planet Earth. They had
made many attempts to alert mankind to the
danger, but most of their communications
were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to
punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so
they eventually decided they would leave
Earth by their own means.
They leap madly, desperately. Higher and higher...
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The last ever dolphin message was
misinterpreted as a surprisingly
sophisticated attempt to do a double-
backward somersault through a hoop while
whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but
in fact the message was this...
"So long and thanks for all the fish."
TITLES ROLL - (FULL SCREEN 35mm IMAGES)
Dolphins leap over and interact with the opening titles.
Breathtaking somersaults, back flips, choreographed to a
Buzby Berkley-style song called, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR
ALL THE FISH." We end with a wide shot of all the
dolphins jumping out of the top of frame, but they never
come back down. TILT UP to a starry night sky - the
dolphins have vanished.
END TITLES
As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then...
VOICE ON RADIO
...as well as Sea World Orlando and San
Diego reporting their dolphins have
mysteriously disappeared overnight.
CUT TO:
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INT. ARTHUR DENT'S BEDROOM - MORNING 2
CLOSE ON the clock radio from which the voice emanates.
A hand shuts it off. ARTHUR DENT is awake. 30's. Kind
faced. His feet land perfectly in slippers as he stands
and shuffles out of his very neat but very boring room.
3 IN THE BATHROOM - Arthur gargles in front of the mirror. 3
He bends over to spit revealing a YELLOW BULLDOZER
through the window, crawling toward his house. A TEA
KETTLE WHISTLES O.S.
4 INT. ARTHUR DENT'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 4
Arthur sets the newspaper (with the headline "DOLPHINS
VANISH") on the table, removes the kettle. Doesn't notice
through the window 3 MORE LARGE YELLOW BULLDOZERS.
He pours a cup of tea, sets the pot down next o his
mobile phone. He picks it up, stares at a DIGITAL PHOTO
ON THE SCREEN of himself and a very pretty woman (Tricia)
at a costume party.
He presses the phone to his head as if it were a cold
compress. Suddenly, there's a LOUD RUMBLING o.s. The
tea cup RATTLES. Arthur looks out the window. Now he
sees the bulldozers.
The tea cup shatters on the floor.
CUT TO:
5 EXT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE - MORNING 5
Arthur, dressed in pajamas and robe, lies in the dirt in
front of a bulldozer, blocking it from destroying his
house. He yells into his mobile phone.
ARTHUR
(into phone)
What do you mean he's gone out to lunch?
You just said he was still at breakfast!
MR. PROSSER, a bureaucrat, leans over him.
PROSSER
Come off it, Mr. Dent. You can't lie in
front of the bulldozers forever.
ARTHUR
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.
PROSSER
This bypass has got to be built and it's
going to be built. You should have made
your protest months ago.
ARTHUR
The first I heard of it was when a workman
came yesterday. I asked if he'd come to
clean the windows, and he said he'd come
to demolish the house. He didn't tell me
right away of course. First he wiped a
couple of windows and charged me twenty
quid. Then he told me.
(CONTINUED)
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CONTINUED: 5
The bulldozer driver, looking guilty, ducks behind the
steering wheel. Prosser removes plans from his briefcase.
PROSSER
Look. These plans have been on display at
the planning office now for a year.
ARTHUR
On display? I had to go down to a cellar!
PROSSER
That's the display department.
ARTHUR
I eventually found them in the bottom of a
locked filing cabinet in a disused
lavatory with a sign on the door saying
'beware of the leopard'.
PROSSER
Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much
damage that bulldozer would suffer if I
just let it roll straight over you?
ARTHUR
How much?
PROSSER
None at all.
FORD (O.S.)
(American accent)
Arthur!
Arthur and Prosser turn to see a man cresting a hill,
pushing a shopping cart which is filled with beer and
bags of peanuts. This is FORD PREFECT. Wiry, intense.
As he heads downhill, he leaps up and rides the cart down
towards Arthur's house -- like a kid in a supermarket.
He rolls right past Arthur and the bulldozers.
ARTHUR
Ford?
He leaps off, drags the cart to a full stop.
FORD
Arthur! There you are. Here drink and
eat with me. We need to talk.
ARTHUR
Er, um...now's not the best time, Ford
They're going to demolish my home,
FORD
Whoa. You already know? How?
Arthur simply motions to the bulldozer.
(CONTINUED)
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CONTINUED: (2) 5
FORD (CONT'D)
Oh. When you say "they" you mean they.
Got it. Listen, I gotta tell you
something important, and I gotta tell you
now.
ARTHUR
But what about my house?
Ford looks to Prosser who is conferring with the
bulldozer driver. He pushes the cart over to him.
ARTHUR - watches as Ford gestures to Prosser who waves
his hand and the all the 'dozer engines die.
The bulldozer drivers step down, start drinking the beer
and eating the peanuts. Ford returns to Arthur.
FORD
C'mon. Let's go to the pub. He said they
won't destroy your house until they've
finished the beers.
ARTHUR
Can we trust him?
FORD
I'd trust him to the end of the Earth.
ARTHUR
And how far's that?
FORD
About twelve minutes away.
CUT TO:
6 INT. VILLAGE PUB - MIDDAY 6
Ford and Arthur enter the half-full pub. Ford hurries to
the bar. Arthur follows, cell phone to his ear.
FORD
Six pints of bitter. And quickly. The
world's about to end.
BARMAN
Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.
He starts to pull pints. Ford shoves bar peanuts into
his pockets while Arthur shouts into his phone...
ARTHUR
Well, when does he get back from lunch?
Or is he going straight out for tea?!
He shuts the phone, sits, looking forlorn.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
This is shaping up to be a crap day.
(CONTINUED)
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FORD
It's about to get a lot crappier.
BARMAN
There you are, six pints.
Ford slaps down a �50 note. The barman's impressed.
FORD
Keep the change. You've got ten minutes to
spend it.
Ford pushes three pints in front of Arthur.
ARTHUR
Three? At lunchtime?
FORD
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
ARTHUR
Very deep. You should send that in to the
Reader's Digest. They've got a page for
people like you.
FORD
Drink up.
ARTHUR
Why three pints?
FORD
Muscle relaxant.
(grabbing more peanuts)
And eat these. You'll need the salt.
ARTHUR
What's going on. Ford?
FORD
What would you say if I told you I wasn't
really from Guilford but from a small
planet somewhere in the vicinity of
Eetelgeuse?
ARTHUR
Why, is it the sort of thing you're likely
to say?
FORD
Remember when we met? That car was racing
toward me, I was trying to greet it, you
pushed me out of the way?
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QUICK CUT TO A STREET - MID-DAY 7
Ford stands in the middle of the road, extending a hand
to a fast approaching car.
Arthur drops his shopping, dives at him and tackles him
out of the way as the car zooms past.
(6 cont) BACK TO FORD IN THE PUB: (6 cont)
FORD
Didn't you find it a little strange that I
was trying to shake hands with a car?
ARTHUR
I assumed you were drunk.
FORD
(shaking his head)
I thought cars were the dominant life
form. I was trying to introduce myself.
ARTHUR
And that's why you're named after a
discontinued car from the seventies?
FORD
(nodding)
You saved my life that day. Now I'm
saving yours.
Arthur just stares at him, then turns to his beer.
ARTHUR
This must be Thursday. I never could get
the hang of Thursdays.
FORD
Look, if it's about your house...
ARTHUR
No, it's not that. It's....
He shows Ford the photo of he and Tricia on his phone.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I found her. Ford. The perfect girl. I
found her, and then I let her get away.
You remember that fancy dress party I told
you about?
FORD
This isn't a long story, is it? We've
only got six minutes.
Arthur shakes his head. Ford checks his watch.
(CONTINUED)
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CONTINUED: (2) 6
FORD (CONT'D)
Okay. Talk and drink. Fancy dress party.
ARTHUR
At that flat in Islington. I told you
about it. Last week, remember?
FLASHBACK TO:
8 INT. ISLINGTON FLAT - NIGHT 8
Crowded flat. Everyone is in costume. Loud music BLARES.
ARTHUR (V.O.)
I can't bear those sort of parties, didn't
want to go, would have much rather stayed
home and, I don't know, brush the dog.
Anything. But there I was -- and then,
there she was...
Arthur, dressed in safari attire complete with pith helmet,
sits off to the side, observing, looking miserable.
TRICIA (O.S.)
Who are you?
Arthur looks up. TRICIA MCMILLAN is dressed in a mid
19th century mens suit with mutton chop sideburns and is
holding a taxidermy beagle -- and she still looks
beautiful. Arthur, ever the gentleman, stands.
ARTHUR
I'm Arthur. Arthur Dent.
TRICIA
No, I mean who are you?
ARTHUR
Oh, the costume. Right. Er, um...
(sheepishly tipping his hat)
Livingston, I presume.
(pointing to her attire)
Granted. Not as clever as Darwin, but the
best I could do on short notice.
TRICIA
You're the first person who's got it
right. Everyone keeps calling me
Sherlock.
ARTHUR
Really? I thought the beagle made it
rather obvious.
(CONTINUED)
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CONTINUED: 8
ARTHUR
Really? I thought the beagle made it
rather obvious.
He pets the dog. She smiles. He smiles back.
9 A CAMERA FLASH FLASHES. JUMP CUT to... 9
THE BALCONY -- Arthur has just taken a digital photo of
he and Tricia on his cell phone. They look at the screen
image and laugh.
ARTHUR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She was amazing, Ford. Witty, and
beautiful, and brilliant. Four or five
degrees. One in math, one in astrophysics,
another in biology...
TRICIA
I've got so many degrees I am officially
unemployable. Let's drink to that!
They clink their wine glasses, take sips, continue to chat.
ARTHUR (V.O.)
And just as I was asking myself, "Why is
this stunning and intelligent woman even
giving me the time of day, out of nowhere
she says...
TRICIA
Let's go somewhere.
ARTHUR
Yeah. It is a bit noisy. There's a
lovely little cafe around the corner...
TRICIA
I was thinking Madagascar.
ARTHUR
Is that a new club on Dean Street?
TRICIA
No. It's a country. Off the coast of
Africa.
ARTHUR
Oh, that Madagascar. Right, off we go
then.
(then realizing...)
Good God, you're serious.
(CONTINUED)
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CONTINUED: 9
She nods. Arthur isn't sure how to react.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Well...that's...an extraordinary
proposition. But...I can't just up and
go. What about my job?
TRICIA
Quit. Get a new one when we return.
ARTHUR
I can't just...what about my house? Who
would feed my dog?
TRICIA
Bring him with.
ARTHUR
He's a Welsh Collie. He'd feel all out of
place in Madagascar.
Trillian forces a smile, clearly disappointed.
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
You don't want to go to Madagascar.
They both turn to face ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX - very charming,
extremely handsome - whose attire seems very "other
worldly." Knee high boots, a yellow sash...
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Hi. I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of
the Galaxy -- of course, you probably
already know that. I'm headed for a lost
and distant planet. Would you like to see
my spaceship?
ARTHUR (V.O.)
I went to refresh our drinks. When I came
back, she was gone.
10 EXT. BACK IK THE PUB - CONTINUOUS 10
Arthur stares into his beer, plagued by this loss.
ARTHUR
"Would you like to see my spaceship?"
Really, what sort of chat up line is that?
FORD
More popular than you'd think.
ARTHUR
I've left messages, sent letters... It's
like she's vanished off the face of the
earth.
(CONTINUED)
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10 CONTINUED: 10
FORD
Hey, it happens. Speaking of...
(pulling a blinking electronic
device from his satchel)
We've got two minutes. So drink up.
There's a ROAR OF ENGINES and a LOUD CRASH outside.
Arthur and everyone else in the pub look up.
ARTHUR
My house!
He runs out. Ford rises, grabs two handfuls of peanuts from
the bowl, tosses the barman all the money in his pocket.
FORD
A round for everyone, on me.
BARMAN
You really think the world's going to end?
(Ford nods)
Shouldn't we lie down or put a bag over
our heads or something?
FORD
If you want.
BARMAN
Will it help?
FORD
Not really.
He gives everyone in the bar a friendly salute, exits.
BARMAN
Last orders, then?
11 EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB - MID-DAY 11
Arthur runs up the road towards his house which is being
bulldozed. Ford strides casually behind in the distance.
ARTHUR
STOP! STOP, YOU BASTARDS!!
Arthur suddenly stops running and covers his ears as we
hear THE LOUDEST RUMBLE IN MOTION PICTURE HISTORY.
11a A GIGANTIC YELLOW SPACESHIP (picture a concrete tower 11a
block)) sweeps overhead. Ford hits the deck. Arthur is
blown sideways. Trees are uprooted.
Ford rises and hurries to the rubble that was Arthur's
house. He digs around near the exposed toilet and comes
up with -- A TOWEL. He hurries to Arthur's side.
(CONTINUED)
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1a CONTINUED: 11a
Another ship screams over, blowing them down again. Rain
is knocked out of the clouds and lands in one big THWUMP!
Everywhere is soaked.
ARTHUR (CONT'D}
WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?!
FORD
Ships from a Vogon Constructor Fleet. I
picked up their signal this morning.
He shows Arthur his blinking Sens-0-Matic device.
FORD {CONT'D}
Here. You'll need this.
He tosses Arthur the towel. Then, he removes a short
black rod, his ELECTRONIC THUMB. He sticks it out.
12 INT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION 12
Picture mission control in Houston. WORKERS scramble.
Monitors line the wall showing hundreds of news reports
from around the globe; panic, chaos and pandemonium.
Suddenly, there's a loud HUM through the speakers,
followed by loud GARGLES and SCREECHING. Then...
JELTZ {THROUGH SPEAKERS)
People of Earth, this is Prostetnic Vogon
Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace planning
council.
13 INT. A SUBURBAN BREAKFAST ROOM. CONTINUOUS 13
A FAMILY at breakfast, baffled that their cutlery, bowls
and glasses resonate with the sound of Jeltz's voice.
JELTZ (VOICE ONLY)
As you are probably aware, plans for the
development of the outlying regions of the
galaxy involve the building of a
hyperspace express route through your star
system...
14 EXT. OXFORD STREET ELECTRONICS STORE - CONTINUOUS 14
Several PATRONS watch the wall of TV's, all projecting a
snowy, distorted image. Jeltz's voice blares through the
speakers.
JELTZ
...and, unfortunately, your planet is one
of those scheduled for demolition. The
process will take slightly less than two
of your Earth minutes. Thank you.
Through the window behind them, throngs of people
stampede down Oxford Street, screaming.
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5 EXT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION 15
A TECHNICIAN speaks urgently into a microphone while his
co-workers watch the chaos on the monitors behind.
TECHNICIAN
Hello! Can you hear us? Please respond!
16 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 16
The VOGON BRIDGE is like a waterlogged old Skoda.
JELTZ (INTO THE P.A.)
There's no point in acting all surprised
about it. The plans and demolition orders
have been on display at your local planning
office in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your
Earth years, so you've had plenty of time
to lodge formal complaints.
17 EXT. FIELD BY ARTHUR'S HOUSE. CONTINUOUS 17
Ford grabs hold of Arthur's shirt, extends the Thumb.
18 INT. THE PUB. CONTINUOUS 18
PULL BACK FROM JUKE BOX. The pub seems deserted.
VOGON CAPTAIN
(through juke box)
What do you mean you've never been to
Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven's sake
mankind, it's only four light years away
you know. I'm sorry, but if you can't be
bothered to take an interest in local
affairs that's your own lookout.
PULL BACK FARTHER - people lay on the ground with PAPER
BAGS on their heads.
19 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE. -- CONTINUOUS 19
Jeltz turns. He's large, green and walrusy.
JELTZ
Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy
at all. Energize the demolition beams.
One of his walrusy FIRST OFFICERS pushes a yellow button.
20 BIG SHOT. FROM SPACE. LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH 20
As all the Vogon ships simultaneously send down a beam of
yellow light. Glowing fireballs travel down the beams
toward Earth. On impact, they bore into the surface.
JELTZ (O.S.)
Detonate.
(CONTINUED)
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0 CONTINUED: 20
Like a giant casino going down in Vegas, there are a few
small explosions AMD THE EARTH IMPLODES. Just collapses
in on itself. Gone.
The Vogon ships slowly retreat in formation, leaving
nothing but DARKNESS AND STARS.
21 Then a distant RED GLOW appears. As it gets nearer we 21
see that it says..."THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY."
GUIDE VOICE
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a
wholly remarkable book...
The title draws nearer. We see that it sits on an
electronic book with lots of buttons.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
...Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly
the most successful book ever to come out
of the great publishing corporations of
Ursa Minor.
The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A
star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations...
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE
OMNIBUS, better selling than 53 MORE
THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more
controversial than Oolon Colluphid's
trilogy of philosophical blockbusters,
WHERE GOD WENT WRONG, SOME MORE OF GOD'S
GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD
PERSON, ANYWAY?
Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as
the book "presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
In many of the more relaxed civilizations
on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy,
the Hitchhiker's Guide has already
supplanted the great Encyclopedia
Galactica as the standard repository of
all knowledge and wisdom. For though it
has many omissions, and contains much
which is apocryphal, or at least wildly
inaccurate, it scores over the older, more
pedestrian work in two important respects.
First, it is slightly cheaper. And second,
it has the words "DON'T PANIC" printed in
large friendly letters on its cover.
The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just
below the title, blinking like a tacky diner marquee.
PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the
blinking light illuminating his very disoriented face.
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2 INT. HOLD OF VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP - NIGHT 22
Arthur, in total shock, holds up the guide.
ARTHUR
So you're not from Guilford, which would
explain the accent -- which I've always
wondered about...and you're not an out of
work actor -- but rather a writer for
this...this...book thing.
Ford nods. Arthur rubs his weary brow.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I don't feel well. I need a cup of tea.
Ford hands him a fistful of peanuts.
FORD
Here. Eat these. If you've never been
through a transmat beam before you've
probably lost some salt and protein.
Arthur eats some peanuts, sits up, squints. Ford feels
his way around the room, looking for something.
ARTHUR
If I asked where we were would I regret
FORD
We're safe. For now.
ARTHUR
Good.
FORD
We're in a storage hold in one of the
ships of the Vogon constructor fleet ...
ARTHUR
Obviously some strange usage of the word
safe I wasn't previously aware of.
FORD
(not getting the sarcasm)
Is it?
ARTHUR
Tell me you're joking.
FORD
Okay. I'm joking.
ARTHUR
And do a reassuring little laugh.
Ford does a reassuring little laugh.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Now tell me where we really are.
(CONTINUED)
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2 CONTINUED: (2) 22
FORD
In the storage hold of a Vogon constructor
ship.
Ford continues his search. Arthur's breathing quickens.
ARTHUR
Get me home. Ford.
FORD
Home? Arthur...your home... is...
ARTHUR
Oh God - it was demolished! I've got to
reach my lawyer! He must be back from
lunch by now...
He pulls out his cell phone. Desperately punches numbers.
Ford flips on a light switch, revealing a messy chamber
full of alien junk and old mattresses.
FORD
You don't remember, do you?
(taking his cell phone)
Okay. I've got something to tell you. It
ain't gonna be easy, but you're gonna have
to just deal, okay?
ARTHUR
Good god. Is this really the interior of a
flying saucer?
FORD
Yeah. Why?
23 SHOT: DEEP SPACE. THE VOGON FLEET IN FLIGHT 23
ARTHUR (V.O.)
Well, it's a bit squalid isn't it?
FORD (V.O.)
Hey man, you're in denial.
24 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE 24
Jeltz consults one screen after another. At last he sees
Ford and Arthur. His walrusy eyes narrow.
25 BACK IN THE SLEEPING QUARTERS - MINUTES LATER 25
ARTHUR
Blown up? BLOWN UP?! Couldn't you have
done something?!!
FORD
I did. I saved you.
(CONTINUED)
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5 CONTINUED: 25
ARTHUR
But there's six billion other people.
FORD
And all those ants.
ARTHUR
Yes, but ants aren't exactly people!
FORD
And now you're thinking like a Vogon.
(before Arthur can respond)
I saved your life, okay? Which makes us
even. Next thing.
Ford throws Arthur a towel. Arthur looks confused.
FORD (CONT'D)
It's a tough galaxy. You want to survive
out here, you really gotta know where your
towel is. Now gimme a hand over here.
Arthur joins Ford near a rusty ventilation pipe.
FORD (CONT'D)
Careful, it's hot.
He slides the towel behind the pipe, holding each end of
it, Arthur does the same.
FORD (CONT'D)
We've got to get off this ship before the
Vogons find us. Vogons hate hitchhikers.
Which is why they make ships with walls
that won't allow the Sub-Etna signal to
pass through. So we've got to send the
signal up and out if we wanna catch a
ride. Pull.
They both pull. A section of pipe snaps off. Steam
shoots out. Ford holds the black Thumb under the pipe.
ARTHUR
What's a Vogon?
FORD
Ask the guide. Say "Vogons."
Ford continues turning dials. Arthur lifts the Guide.
ARTHUR
"Vogons."
The word "VOGONS" floats up into his field of vision.
GUIDE VOICE
Vogons.
(CONTINUED)
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5 CONTINUED: (2) 25
CHARACTER, HISTORY, HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH, HOW TO ANNOY,
WHAT TO AVOID. Arthur touches CHARACTER.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Vogons are one of the most unpleasant
races in the Galaxy - not evil, but bad-
tempered, bureaucratic, officious and
callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger
to save their own grandmothers from the
Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without
orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent
back, queried, lost, found, subjected to
public inquiry, lost again, and finally
buried in soft peat for three months and
recycled as fire-lighters.
Arthur touches 'HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH.'
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon
is to stick your finger down his throat.
Arthur touches 'WHAT TO AVOID'.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
On no account should you allow a Vogon to
read poetry to you.
FORD
They can't think, they can't imagine, most
of them can't even spell. They just run
things.
(turns dial opposite direction)
And if we don't get a ride soon, you won't
b need the guide to illustrate just how
unpleasant the Vogons can be.
They've destroyed a planet today, that
always makes them a little feisty.
ARTHUR
It can't be gone. It can't be!
(grabbing the Guide, shouting}
Earth!
FORD
Shhh!
ARTHUR
EARTH!!
GUIDE VOICE
Earth.
An image of the Earth appears on the Guide's screen.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Harmless.
Arthur waits...and waits. The Earth image fades away.
(CONTINUED)
2 19.
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5 CONTINUED: (3) 25
ARTHUR
That's it? That's all this idiotic book
has to say about my home? "Harmless?"
FORD
Hey, there are a hundred billion stars in
the Galaxy and only a limited amount of
space in the book's microprocessors. No
one knew much about Earth. That's why I
was there. To expand the entry. I fired
off a new one to the editor before I got
stranded.
ARTHUR
What does it say now?
FORD
Mostly harmless.
Before Arthur can react, a speaker HUMS to life with
screeching HOWLS and GARGLES. Arthur cups his ears.
ARTHUR
Ahhh, what the hell is that?!
FORD
Here. Put this in your ear.
Ford removes a small yellow fish from his pouch. He
moves to put it in Arthur's ear. Arthur struggles.
ARTHUR
WHAT?...STOP!..DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH...
The LOUD GARGLING NOISE continues. Ford has to wrestle to
get the fish in Arthur's ear.
JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
ARTHUR
Argh! What's happening...?
As he succeeds, the noise mutates to the Vogon Captain's
voice. Arthur looks incredulous.
JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
This is your captain speaking, so stop
whatever you're doing and pay attention!
FORD
The fish. It's translating for you.
JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
According to our instruments we have
unwittingly picked up a couple of
hitchhikers who must be apprehended and...
(CONTINUED)
2 20.
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5 CONTINUED: (4) 25
Arthur doesn't want to hear any of this...pulls the fish
back out of his ear.
JELTZ {ON SPEAKER) (CONT'D)
Ford struggles, shoves it back in Arthur's ear again.
JELTZ (CONT'D)
...and this is not a taxi service for
degenerate freeloaders.
The door BURSTS open. A VOGON GUARD enters. Grabs Ford
and Arthur. They struggle.
VOGON GUARD
Resistance is useless!
The struggle continues. As they're dragged out the door,
Arthur continues to try to yank the fish out of his ear.
Ford wrestles with him, trying to keep it in.
GUIDE VOICE
The Babelfish is small, yellow, leechlike,
and probably the oddest thing in the
Universe.
26 INT. VOGON SHIP CORRIDOR. 26
A bleak corridor. The Vogon guard pushes a still
struggling Arthur and Ford down it.
GUIDE VOICE
It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing
unconscious frequencies and excreting
a matrix of conscious frequencies to the
speech centres of the brain, the practical
upshot of which is that if you stick one in
your ear, you instantly understand anything
said to you in any language.
Arthur continues to struggle, until he passes a portal
window. He backs up to look out.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Now, it is such a bizarrely improbable
thing that anything so mind-bogglingly
useful could have evolved in the Universe
purely by chance that many thinkers have
chosen to see this as a final clinching
proof of the NON-existence of God.
26a ARTHUR'S POV -- of space through the window, beautiful 26a
purple-orange clouds of swirling stars and gasses.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The argument goes something like this...
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says
God, "for proof denies faith, and without
faith I am nothing."
(CONTINUED)
2 21.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
6a CONTINUED: 26a
It's finally sinking in -- he's in deep space.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
"But," says Man, "the Babelfish is a dead
give-away. It proves you exist, and so
therefore you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says
God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
The guard yanks Arthur away, pushes him forward with Ford.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Most leading theologians claim that this
argument is a load of dingo's kidneys but
that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid from making
a small fortune when he used it as the
central theme of his best-selling book,
'WELL THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP FOR GOD.'
Arthur looks lost and confused. They approach a set of
double doors. He stops. The Guard shoves him forward.
VOGON GUARD
Resistance is useless!
ARTHUR
Ford...
FORD
Don't panic. If we're lucky, they'll
throw us out into space.
ARTHUR
And if we're unlucky?
Off Ford's apprehensive look we CUT TO...
27 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 27
Arthur and Ford are strapped against two concrete pillars
with hundreds of elastic bands.
A STRANGE AND LETHAL LOOKING DEVICE DESCENDS FROM THE
CEILING. Looks like an instrument of torture. As the
device descends, Jeltz fishes a JEWELED CRAB out of a
gunky trough and smashes it with a hammer -- BLAM!
Jeltz takes the device in his hand -- then blows in it.
We hear FEEDBACK. It's a microphone (like ones used to
introduce boxers). He taps it. This thing on? It is.
He faces them, holds up a book entitled... " " --
smirks, then begins to read Vogon poetry.
JELTZ
Oh freddled gruntbuggly!
Thy suppurations are to me as plerdled
gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Ford WRITHES in pain, as does Arthur but less so.
(CONTINUED)
2 22.
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7 CONTINUED: 27
GUIDE VOICE
Vogon poetry is widely accepted as the
third worst in the universe.
Ford VIBRATES like he's having an epileptic seizure.
Arthur just looks like he has a migraine.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of
Kria. During a recitation by their Poet
Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem
"Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found
in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning," four
of his audience died of internal
hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-
Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by
gnawing one of his own legs off.
Spasms wrack Ford's body. He SCREAMS. Arthur squints.
JELTZ
Or I shall rend thee In the gobberwarts
with my blurglecruncheaon, see if I don't!
Ford's entire body tenses, arches, then goes limp.
Arthur lets out an audible sigh as the poem ends.
GUIDE VOICE
The absolute worst poetry was written by
Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussix.
It involved decaying swans. Luckily, it
was destroyed when the Earth was.
JELTZ
So, Earthlings, I present you with a
simple choice. Either die in the vacuum
of space, or -- tell what you thought of
my poem.
Ford is spent, can't say a word. Arthur looks up.
ARTHUR
Actually...I rather liked it.
Jeltz looks surprised. Ford notices, whispers to Arthur.
FORD
Good tact. Run with it.
ARTHUR
Um...some of the words I didn't understand,
but I found the imagery quite effective.
JELTZ
Continue. . .
(CONTINUED)
2 23.
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7 CONTINUED: (2) 27
ARTHUR
And, um, interesting rhythmic devices which
seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of
the underlying metaphor of the humanity...
FORD
Vogonity!
ARTHUR
... Vogonity, sorry. Vogonity of the poet's
soul, which contrives through the medium
of the verse structure to sublimate, er...
FORD
... whatever it was ...
ARTHUR
... the poem was about.
Jeltz rubs one of his chins, then smiles and claps slowly.
FORD
Damn.
ARTHUR
What?
FORD
I think you just saved my life again.
JELTZ
An astute analysis. Very impressive.
(turning to the Guard)
Throw them off the ship.
The guard grabs them, drags them out of the bridge.
VOGON GUARD
Resistance is useless!
JELTZ
Hmph. "Counterpoint the surrealism of the
underlying metaphor..." Death's too good
for them.
Jeltz picks up his fishing rod, goes for another crab.
28 INT. VOGON SHIP CORRIDOR -- MOMENTS LATER 28
The Guard shoves them into the airlock.
29 INT. AIRLOCK -- CONTINUING 29
They sit, panting. Arthur stares forward.
ARTHUR
So this is it? We're going to die?
(CONTINUED)
2 24.
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9 CONTINUED: 29
FORD
Yes. No, wait! What's this switch?
(reaching for it)
No, it's nothing. We are going to die.
Arthur sits for a moment, then oddly chuckles to himself.
ARTHUR
You know, it's at times like this, when
I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man
from Betelgeuse and about to die of
asphyxiation in deep space that I really
wish I'd listened to what my mother told
me when I was young.
FORD
Why? What did you she tell you?
ARTHUR
I don't know. I didn't listen.
Ford folds his towel into a tiny square, holds it up
toward Arthur. He raises an eyebrow. Will this help?
FORD
You're sweating.
Ford dabs Arthur's brow. They stare forward at the
airlock door. Long pause. Nothing happens. They look
to each other. Shrug. They might be okay. Then --
PSSH. The bottom drops out. They're sucked down and out.
30 EXT. DEEP SPACE -- CONTINUOUS 30
Ford and Arthur spin away from the ship, holding their
breath. The guide slips out of Arthur's pocket.
GUIDE VOICE
"Space..." says the introduction to the
Hitchhikers Guide, "...is big. Really big.
You just won't believe how vastly, hugely
mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you
may think it's a long way down the road to
the market, but that's just peanuts
compared to space..." and so on.
The weightless guide twirls away. Arthur reaches for it.
The words "DON'T PANIC" alight.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
It also says that if you hold a lung full
of air you can survive in the total vacuum
of space for about thirty seconds -- but
with space being really big and all, the
chances of being picked up within that
time are 2 to the power of 2076775949 to 1
against...
(CONTINUED)
3 25.
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0 CONTINUED: 30
Something else falls out of his pocket -- his digital
phone with the photo of he and Tricia at the fancy dress
party.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
...which, by a staggering coincidence, is
also the telephone number of the Islington
flat where Arthur once went to a fancy
dress party and met a very nice girl whom
he totally failed to connect with.
He reaches for the phone, it's just beyond his fingertips.
His eyes widen with fret as the phone tumbles away.
30a Then -- WOOMPH -- space seems to stretch and bend. A tiny 30a
hole appears, then opens wide. Paper hats and party
balloons fall out, then drift away. The hole flips inside
out. Arthur and Ford are enveloped, then replaced by a
stunning, sleek starship, the HEART OF GOLD.
FEMALE VOICE (TRILLIAN)
Two to the power of one hundred thousand
to one against and falling...
CUT TO:
31 INT. HEART OF GOLD. RECEIVING BAY - NIGHT 31
In the middle of this hi-tech receiving bay sit two
ornate golden brocade sofas.
FEMALE VOICE (TRILLIAN)
(through speakers)
Two to the power of ten thousand to one
against and falling.
The sofas shake a little.
ARTHUR
Ford...
FORD
Yes?
ARTHUR
I think I'm a sofa.
FORD
I think I know how you feel.
A long pause. Both sofas begin to thrash in panic.
FEMALE VOICE (TRILLIAN)
Five to one against and falling...
A pair of arms and legs pop out of each sofa.
TRILLIAN
Four to one against and falling...
3 26.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
2 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT 32
32a CLOSE ON A MONITOR -- on which plays a news report. 32a
REPORTER (ON TV)
...and of course, the top story is still
the sensational theft of the new
Improbability Drive prototype ship Heart of
Gold last week, stolen at the launch
ceremony by none other than Galactic
President Zaphod Beeblebrox.
ZAPHOD (ON TV)
So, in the name of the people and freedom
and, I dunno, democracy and stuff like
that, I hereby declare this ship
officially stolen!
PULL BACK to reveal ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, leaning toward the
TV, watching with a very satisfied grin...
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Three to one...two to one...
Annoyed, he turns. There's a woman with red hair
(TRILLIAN), her back to him, reading numbers off a
console display and speaking into a microphone.
TRILLIAN
(into microphone)
Probability factor of one to one...we have
normality, I repeat we have normality.
Anything you still can't cope with is
therefore your own problem. Please relax.
You will be sent for soon.
ZAPHOD
Hey. Do you mind? I can't hear.
TRILLIAN turns -- and we now recognize her as Tricia from
the fancy dress party. Her hair is shorter and bright
red. She looks amazing.
TRILLIAN
Can we put your ego aside for one moment?
Something important has happened.
ZAPHOD
If there's anything more important than my
ego on this ship, I want it caught and
shot now.
He turns back to the TV and turns it up.
REPORTER (OK TV)
...the question everyone seems to be
asking is, has the Big Z finally flipped?
We asked his private brain care
Specialist, Gag Halfrunt...
GAG HALFRRUNT
Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know --
(CONTINUED)
3 27.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
2 CONTINUED: (2) 32
The TV suddenly clicks off. Zaphod spins. Trillian's
holding a remote.
ZAPHOD
Hey...
TRILLIAN
We have a couple of hitchhikers in our
receiving bay.
His head jerks upwards. He quickly grabs it with his
hands and shoves it back down.
TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
I didn't pick them up. The ship did.
ZAPHOD
Huh?
TRILLIAN
When you engaged the Improbability Drive.
ZAPHOD
I didn't engage the drive.
TRILLIAN
We picked them up in sector ZZ9 Plural Z
Alpha -- where you picked me up.
ZAPHOD
That's impossible.
TRILLIAN
No. Just very, very improbable.
ZAPHOD
I don't have time for this! We've got the
police of half the Galaxy after us and we
stop to pick up hitchhikers?! Okay, so
ten out of ten for style, but minus
several million for good thinking, eh?
He reaches for a hi-tech gun on the wall. She stops him.
TRILLIAN
Don't. I'll send Marvin. (calling)
Marvin!
Zaphod rolls his eyes as a humanoid robot rises from its
seat behind them. This is MARVIN. He trudges slump-
shouldered toward Zaphod.
MARVIN
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very
depressed.
TRILLIAN
We have something to take your mind off
things.
(CONTINUED)
3 28.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
2 CONTINUED: (3) 32
MARVIN
It won't work, I have an exceptionally
large mind.
TRILLIAN
I know. Go down to the number two entry
bay and bring the two aliens up here.
MARVIN
Just that?
TRILLIAN
Yes.
MARVIN
I won't enjoy it.
ZAPHOD
She's not asking you to enjoy it. Just do
it will you?
MARVIN
All right. I'll do it.
Marvin turns and trudges away. Then he turns again.
MARVIN (CONT'D)
I'm not getting you down at all am I?
TRILLIAN
No, no, Marvin, it's fine really. It's just
part of life.
MARVIN
Life. Don't talk to me about life.
Marvin trudges away. A door slides open for him and
makes an audible, satisfied SIGH as it does.
DOOR
Mmmmmyaaahhhhhh!
33 EXT. DEEP SPACE - NIGHT 33
The Heart of Gold cruises around a bright star.
34 INT. BRIDGE OF VOGON DESTROYER SHIP - NIGHT 34
A light blinks on a console. A VOGON CAPTAIN turns a
dial, listens through his head set. He punches a few
buttons. COMMANDER KWALTZ (green and walrusy like Jeltz)
appears on the large monitor, sitting in his chair at
Command Headquarters.
VOGON CAPTAIN
Commander Kwaltz. We've located the
spaceship Heart of Gold and President
Beeblebrox. Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
Requesting hyperspace clearance.
(CONTINUED)
3 29.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
4 CONTINUED: 34
KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
Hold your position, captain, until
clearance is granted.
35 INT. VOGON COMMAND HEADQUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER 35
Kwaltz sits at the end of a concrete war room table.
KWALTZ
Get me the vice-president.
Approximately 15 Vogons sit around the table murmuring
sporadically. A VOGON MESSENGER runs up, holding papers.
Kwaltz takes them, signs, signs the next page -- and the
next. He hands them back to the messengers (who has been
jogging in place the whole time). He runs off. The
VOGON CAPTAIN appears on the large screen before him.
KWALTZ (CONT'D)
Hyperspace permission granted, Captain.
36 EXT. SPACE � NIGHT 36
A hundred rectangular vogon ships blast forward.
CUT TO:
37 INT. HEART OF GOLD. RECEIVING BAY - NIGHT 37
Arthur looks around and notices the room is gleaming
white, hi-tech, brand new, plastic still on some stuff.
ARTHUR
Now this is more like my idea of a
spaceship. Look at all these buttons...
FORD
Shhh.
They listen. Hear footsteps.
FORD (CONT'D)
This way.
He pushes a button. The door slides open with a satisfied
sigh -- "Hhhmmyaaaahhh". As they walk through...
37a INT- HOG- CORRIDOR NIGHT 37a
DOOR
Thank you for using this door. I've
enjoyed opening for you. Hhmmyaahh...
They leap through to the other side as the door closes.
MARVIN (0.S.)
Ghastly, isn't it?
They whip around to find Marvin standing before them.
(CONTINUED)
3 30.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
7a CONTINUED: 37a
MARVIN (CONT'D)
I've been ordered to take you up to the
bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a
planet, and they ask me to take you up to
the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? -
'cause I don't.
Marvin turns and walks away. They shrug to each other and
follow. Marvin passes through another door that opens with
the same sigh -- "Hhmmaaaahhh"
DOOR
What a pleasure it is to open for you.
I will gladly close for you now.
The door closes.
MARVIN
"All the doors in this spacecraft have a
cheerful and sunny disposition. It is
their pleasure to open for you, and their
satisfaction to close again with the
knowledge of a job well done.
The door repeats its whole closing and opening routine
again.
MARVIN (CONT'D)
Hateful, isn't it? You can thank the
Marketing Division of the Sirius
Cybernetics Corporation for building
robots with GPP.
ARTHUR
GPP?
MARVIN
"Genuine People Personalities." I'm a
personality prototype. You can tell can't
you?
ARTHUR
Er. . .
MARVIN
Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon
me for breathing, which I never do anyway,
so I don't know why I even bother to say
it. Oh god, I'm so depressed.
They round a corner...
(CONTINUED)
3 31.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
7a CONTINUED: (2) 37a
MARVIN (CONT'D)
And then I've got this terrible pain in
all the diodes down my left side. I've
asked for them to be replaced but no one
ever listens.
ARTHUR
Really? Wonder why?
FORD
(aside to Arthur)
Probably because he's so negative.
ARTHUR
Yes, I know. I was being...never mind.
They continue on.
38 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE. -- MOMENTS LATER 38
HANGING ON THE WALL is the official presidential portrait,
featuring Zaphod who sports a very smart suit and a fake
politicians smile. Tilt down to the door which opens -
"Mmyyahhh!" - to reveal Ford, Arthur and Marvin.
MARVIN
I've brought the aliens. Don't thank me
or anything.
Zaphod spins around in his chair, holding a gun but
sporting that same politically correct smile.
ZAPHOD
Freeze!
Arthur and Ford throw their hands up. Marvin doesn't.
MARVIN
Do you mean sit in a corner and rust or
just fall apart where I'm standing?
ZAPHOD
I wasn't talking to you.
FORD
Zaphod?
ZAPHOD
Ixxie? It is you! IXXIE!
Zaphod gives Ford a big bear hug. He pulls away, then
playfully punches Ford in the arm.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Praxibetel Ix, you zarking hoopy! What
the hell are you doing here?
FORD
I don't know! Just stuck out the thumb
and here I am.
(CONTINUED)
3 32.
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8 CONTINUED: 38
ZAPHOD
That is so you.
FORD
And look at you! President? Last time I
saw you, you were a beach bum.
ZAPHOD
Is it a great galaxy or what?
(punching his arm again)
I still can't believe this. Ixxie! Here!
ON MY SHIP!
FORD
Hey, it's Ford now.
ZAPHOD
Hmm?
FORD
My name. It's Ford Prefect. Picked it up
on Earth. Sorta grew on me.
ZAPHOD
Okay "Ford" -- you zarking frood.
They embrace, tussle, punch arms. They bump into Arthur.
FORD
Oh, this is Arthur. Arthur, this is
Zaphod Beeblebrox. My cousin? Semi-half
brother?
ZAPHOD
He shares three of the same mothers as me.
ARTHUR
We've met.
ZAPHOD
Have we? Sorry. I've got a terrible
memory for species.
Before Arthur can explain, Trillian enters.
TRILLIAN
Everything okay?
ZAPHOD
Hey, hon. Come here. You won't believe
this. Ix...um, sorry..."Ford"...this is...
ARTHUR
Tricia McMillan?
She takes a closer look at him.
TRILLIAN
Arthur?
(CONTINUED)
3 33.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
8 CONTINUED: (2) 38
Arthur is stunned silent. He goes to her, making sure she's
really there. He's speechless. She smiles and gives him a
friendly embrace.
ARTHUR
(completely bewildered)
I can't believe this...I've been
looking...and you're here? I went to get
wine and...
TRILLIAN
I know. And it was rude to just leave,
but I told you I wanted to get away, and
he had a spaceship parked outside, well,
honestly -- I assumed you were a sort of
stay-at-home-and-read-a book type.
(hopeful)
But you're here...
Arthur smiles, then realizes with some regret...
ARTHUR
Actually -- I am that type. But...well
you do know what happened, don't you?
Zaphod stops in between them, puts his arm around Arthur.
ZAPHOD
--Ford picked him up, they hitched a ride,
and here we all are. Now, enough small
talk, Trill. We're on the run, remember?
I stole a ship?
ARTHUR
We're having a bit of a chat if you don't
mind.
Arthur SHOVES Zaphod's hand off his shoulder. Oddly,
Zaphod reacts with a smile. And then -- his head shoots
all the up way revealing a second head that lives
somewhere under his chin.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut up
or I'll kick you in the gones!
FORD
There's the Zaphod I remember.
Arthur recoils in horror, instinctively raises his fists.
Zaphod wrestles with Head 2 while A THIRD ARM springs out
of Zaphod's chest and PUNCHES ARTHUR in the jaw. Arthur
buckles and hits the floor.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
You should teach your pal a lesson, Ford.
He's a guest on my ship.
FORD
I thought you said you stole it.
(CONTINUED)
3 34.
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8 CONTINUED: (3) 38
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Fine. Get technical.
A KLAXON sounds. Red lights FLASH. Zaphod (Head 2)
hurries to the console. Ford follows.
Trillian hurries to Arthur who nurses his jaw.
TRILLIAN
Are you all right?
ARTHUR
I feel like a bloody idiot. I've spent
all week looking for Tricia McMillan and
that isn't even your name.
TRILLIAN
It is my name. I shortened it.
ZAPHOD (0.S.)
Trillian...!
ARTHUR
Well, I'm still Arthur. Just plain
average one-headed doesn't-own-a-space
ship Arthur. Sorry to disappoint.
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
A little help over here?
Trillian leaves Arthur, joins Zaphod
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
They're after us! Fire a gun! Launch a
missile! DO SOME DAMAGE!
Zaphod's arms struggle with his head again.
38a QUICK SHOT. DEEP SPACE 38a
A dull gray rectangular Vogon BATTLE CRUISER is easing up
behind the Heart of Gold. Behind the cruiser is about
ONE HUNDRED OTHER BATTLE SHIPS, flying in formation.
(38 Cont) BACK ON THE BRIDGE-- (38 cont)
TRILLIAN
Computer?
A very eager male COMPUTER VOICE (EDDIE) sounds.
EDDIE
Hi, guys, this is Eddie your shipboard
computer and I just know I'm gonna get a
bundle of kicks out of any program you
want to run through me.
TRILLIAN
Can you identify our pursuers?
(CONTINUED)
3 35.
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8 CONTINUED: (4) 38
EDDIE
I'd be happy to! Stand by, please.
(cheesy on hold Muzak plays)
Hey, guys, I'm just pleased as punch to
report that it's a fleet of a hundred
Vogon Battle Destroyers.
You must be super important to warrant
such an effort, and gee am I impressed.
They're sending a message. I'd be super
happy to play it.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Fine! Play it!!
(to Trillian)
This people personality thing is gonna
drive me nuts! Can't you change it?
An IMAGE APPEARS on the ship's monitor - Vice President,
QUESTULAR RONTOK, flanked by Vogon Commander KWALTZ {at
H.Q.). He looks reluctant. He has to say this...
QUESTULAR (ON MONITOR)
This is Vice President Questular Rontok.
I am speaking to the kidnapper of the
President. Surrender your stolen vessel at
once or we will take action as defined and
permitted by Section 1.8 of the Galactic
Interstellar Space Bi-Laws.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Leap to hyperspace!
EDDIE
Sure thing, fella, but I should tell you
we need proper authorization before
entering a hyperspace expressway.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Or else what? They'll send a hundred and
one ships? DO it!
He and Trillian buckle up. Ford turns to Arthur.
FORD
Brace yourself. This is a bit like being
drunk.
ARTHUR
What's so bad about being drunk?
FORD
Ask a glass of water.
They are stretched and squeezed by extraordinary forces.
39 INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS -- NIGHT 39
Questular and Kwaltz watch their front screen as the
Heart of Gold blasts into hyperspace.
(CONTINUED)
3 36.
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9 CONTINUED: 39
KWALTZ
Did they have proper hyperspace
authorization?
VOGON WORKER
No, Commander.
KWALTZ
Add that to their list of offences!
(scoffing)
Blatant disregard for protocol.
QUESTULAR
You do realize he did what he did because
he knew this is what you would do.
KWALTZ
Rules are rules, Mr. Vice President. And
they are made to be followed.
Questular looks up to the screen at all the Vogon ships.
QUESTULAR
Don't you think this many ships is a bit,
oh I don't know -- excessive?
KWALTZ
The provisions are clear. Under
subsection 37a these are the forces we
deploy to protect the president in the
case of an attempted or actual kidnapping-
He holds up one fat official book with one hand.
KWALTZ (CONT'D)
-- and these are the forces we deploy to
apprehend any intentional or actual
kidnapper.
He holds up another fat book with the other.
QUESTULAR
You are aware, Commander, that the
President kidnapped himself.
KWALTZ
Hence...
He puts the two books together, slams them down.
QUESTULAR
Do you have any idea how ridiculous this
is?
KWALTZ
I don't have ideas Mr. Vice President. I
just do what I do.
A VOGON MESSENGER runs up holding papers. Kwaltz takes
them, signs one in two places, initials others, lifts the
top sheet, removes the pink copy. Folds it.
(CONTINUED)
3 37.
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9 CONTINUED: (2) 39
He does this for the other two forms as well.
Questular watches dumbfounded as Kwaltz hands the papers
back to the messenger who turns and runs off.
40 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 40
The Heart of Gold comes out of hyperspace and slows to
cruising speed...alone. No Vogons in sight.
41 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 41
Zaphod's Head 2 is still up, beaming.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Damn, I'm good.
Hands slam Head 2 down. Zaphod (Head 1) turns to Ford.
ZAPHOD
So -- you along for the ride or am I
dropping you somewhere?
FORD
(still wary of the two heads)
Depends. Where you going?
ZAPHOD
Into the pages of history, cousin.
And when you see what I'm about to show
you, you'll beg me to take you with us.
WITH TRILLIAN -- who notices Arthur looking ill.
TRILLIAN
You okay?
ARTHUR
Normally I would say "I'll live," but
given the circumstances...
(wiping his brow)
Is there any tea on this spaceship?
TRILLIAN
This way.
She exits. Arthur follows. Zaphod steps back, blocking
his way.
ZAPHOD
Hey, apeman. Earthman. I'm sorry, what
was your name again?
ARTHUR
Arthur.
(CONTINUED)
4 38.
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1 CONTINUED: 41
ZAPHOD
Right. No hard feelings, okay? And
sorry to hear about your planet, but don't
mention it to the girl because if you do
I'll...I'll...
He smiles broader. Then Head 2 pops up and finishes...
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
I'll pull your spleen out through your
ass!
Zaphod slams Head 2 back into place..then smiles again.
Arthur furrows his brow and Zaphod and follows Trillian.
FORD
Two heads. Interesting choice.
ZAPHOD
Apparently you can't be President with a
whole brain.
FORD
So you carved it up?
ZAPHOD
Yes -- I think. And I think I did it in
such a way that it wouldn't be detected by
the Government screening tests -- or by
me. So, what's so secret that I can't let
anybody know I know it, not the Galactic
Government, not even myself? And the
answer is--
(thinking)
--I don't know. Obviously. But I put a
few things together and that's when I
realized I had this.
He points to the COBALT BLUE CUBE on his gold necklace.
42 INT. SHIP'S KITCHEN AREA - CONTINUOUS 42
CLOSE ON - the NUTRI-MATIC MACHINE. Brownish liquid
flows into it a Martini glass, topped with dry-ice fog.
Arthur removes the glass. Sips. Grimaces
TRILLIAN
I suppose I should have said it
resembles tea.
ARTHUR
So two heads is what does it for a girl,
then? I mean, if I'd had two heads. Or
three?
TRILLIAN
Or your own space ship.
(CONTINUED)
4 39.
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2 CONTINUED: 42
ARTHUR
Anything else he's got two of?
TRILLIAN
Come on, Arthur, don't be like that.
ARTHUR
Well, what am I supposed to be like?
Green? Bleeping? What?
TRILLIAN
Just be yourself. Have some fun. Does it
hurt?
ARTHUR
No, I suppose it wouldn't..
TRILLIAN
I mean...
She points to his jaw, he nods, she picks up her BACKPACK.
TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
I might have an aspirin.
She unzips it. TWO MICE scurry out and scamper off, a
hair-clip is clipped to one of the mice's tail.
TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
Hey. What are they doing in there?
Before she can catch them, they scurry under the door.
TRILLIAN {CONT'D)
They were from my lab at university. Odd...
ARTHUR
So all that's left is me and you, "mostly
harmless," and two lab rats.
She furrows her brow. What does he mean?
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Look, there's something I should tell
you...
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
Showtime, Trill!
TRILLIAN
Can it keep? You might want to see this.
Arthur nods. She leaves. He looks at his "tea", throws
it in the trash bin.
4 40.
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3 INT. HEART OF GOLD, BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 43
Trillian and Arthur join Ford and Zaphod at the computer.
ZAPHOD
--and when I saw what I'm about to show
you, that's when I realized why I did what
I did to my brain -- or it least, I think
that's why.
44 ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN -- 44
The screen brightens. A BRAND LOGO appears (a circle made
of a dotted line with an "M" in the middle) then a sub-
title: MAGRATHEAN PUBLIC ARCHIVE. Zaphod fast forwards
until a noisy picture DISSOLVES TO...
45 EXT. OUTSIDE TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT -- DAY 45
A procession surrounds a CHARIOT. Two young philosophers,
LUNKWILL and FOOK (20'S) ride it into a grand TEMPLE.
46 INT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT. 46
The aisles are lined with Priest-Technicians. Ahead is
DEEP THOUGHT - a huge Buddha-esque computer.
The procession peels away to both sides. Lunkwill and
Fook dismount and approach.
DEEP THOUGHT
(deep and sonorous)
What is this great task for which I, Deep
Thought, the second greatest computer of
all time have been called into existence?
LUNKWILL
Your task, O computer...
FOOK
Hang on. Did you say second greatest?
DEEP THOUGHT
Second greatest. Yes.
FOOK
But we designed you to be the greatest
computer so you could...
LUNKWILL
You're not talking about the Milliard
Gargantubrain which can count all the
atoms in a star in a millisecond?
DEEP THOUGHT
The Milliard Gargantubrain? A mere abacus,
mention it not.
FOOK
The Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler then?
(CONTINUED)
4 41.
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6 CONTINUED: 46
DEEP THOUGHT
The Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler could
argue all four legs off an Arcturan
Megadonkey, but only I could persuade it
to go for a walk afterwards.
FOOK
Then what's the problem?
DEEP THOUGHT
I am the greatest computer you are able to
design without my help. Which, one day,
you are going to need.
LUNKWILL
(to Fook)
Let's just ask the question.
FOOK
Oh Deep Thought, your task is this. We
want you to tell us -- the Answer.
Long pause. Deep Thought bleeps and bloops.
DEEP THOUGHT
The Answer...to what?
LUNKWILL
You know. The answer. To Life...the
Universe...Everything.
FOOK
We'd really like an answer. Something
simple. Can you do it?
DEEP THOUGHT
The Ultimate Question of Life, the
Universe and Everything. Yes. There is an
answer. But I'll have to think about it.
Lunkwill glances at his time piece, Fook at the expectant
throng behind them. They wait.
DEEP THOUGHT (CONT'D)
Return to this place in exactly... seven and
a half million years.
LUNKWILL & FOOK
What?!
PSSSH. The screen goes to snow.
47 EXT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE. - CONTINUOUS 47
Ford and Arthur look confused.
FORD
That's it?
(CONTINUED)
4 42.
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7 CONTINUED: 47
ZAPHOD
No, no. There's more. They go back.
ARTHUR
Seven and a half million years later?
Zaphod nods, hits play. We PUSH BACK IN ON THE SCREEN.
48 INT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT -- 48
Lunkwill and Fook enter the now modern temple, flanked by a
crowd. They have beards and look like they're in their
40's. Deep Thought rises, looks lifeless. WORRIED MUTTERS
FROM THE CROWD. Slowly, Deep Thought groans to life.
DEEP THOUGHT
Can I help you?
FOOK
Deep Thought. Do you have...
DEEP THOUGHT
An answer for you? Yes. I have.
FOOK
There really is an answer?
DEEP THOUGHT
Yes. There really is one.
FOOK
(almost strangled with emotion)
Oh!
LUNKWILL
Can you tell us what it is?
DEEP THOUGHT
Yes. Though I don't think you're going to
like it.
FOOK
Doesn't matter! We must know it!
DEEP THOUGHT
You're really not going to like it.
FOOK
Tell us!
DEEP THOUGHT
Alright. The answer to the ultimate
question ...
LUNKWILL
Yes ...
(CONTINUED)
4 43.
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8 CONTINUED: 48
DEEP THOUGHT
... of Life, the Universe, and Everything ...
FOOK
Yes!
DEEP THOUGHT
... is ...
CROWD
Yes ...!
DEEP THOUGHT
(longest pause yet)
Forty two.
The surrounding crowd is stunned. More MUTTERING.
DEEP THOUGHT (O.S.) (CONT'D)
I checked it thoroughly. It would have
been simpler, of course, to have known
what the actual question was.
LUNKWILL
But it was the Question. The Ultimate
Question!
DEEP THOUGHT
Yes, but what actually is it?
FOOK (O.S.)
Everything! You know ... just EVERYTHING!
DEEP THOUGHT (O.S.)
That's not a question. Only when you know
what the actual question will you know
what the answer means.
LUNKWILL
Give us the Ultimate Question then!!
DEEP THOUGHT
I can't.
(long pause)
But there is one who can. A computer that
is to come after me, one that I will
design. A computer to calculate the
Ultimate Question, one of such infinite
complexity that life itself will form part
of its operational matrix. And you
yourselves shall take on new more primitive
forms and go down into the computer to
navigate its ten million year program. I
shall design this computer for you. And it
shall be called...
The picture distorts and whites out. PSSSSHHHHHH.
4 44.
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9 EXT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE. - CONTINUOUS 49
Zaphod hits eject. The blue cube rises.
FORD
That's it?
ZAPHOD
That's it.
FORD
You're looking for the Ultimate Question?
ZAPHOD
Yep.
FORD
You.
ZAPHOD
Me.
FORD
Why?
ZAPHOD
No, I tried that. "Why?" "Forty-two."
Doesn't work.
(to Trillian)
Let's get her ready, babe.
He moves to a different rack of instruments, consults a
check list, starts flipping some switches.
FORD
I mean, why do you want to know the
Ultimate Question?
ZAPHOD
Oh. Well -- partly the curiosity, partly
a sense of adventure, but mostly I think
it's for the fame and the money.
He continues preparing the ship. Trillian consults the
huge MANUAL, turning dials, flipping switches...
ARTHUR
But -- you're President of the Galaxy,
aren't you?
ZAPHOD
Yes, Arman.
ARTHUR
Arthur.
ZAPHOD
Whatever. Presidential fame is temporary,
I find the Question, that's permanent. It
sticks. Plus everyone thinks you're deep.
Win-win.
(CONTINUED)
4 45.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
9 CONTINUED: 49
FORD
But you don't know the name of the
computer that other computer was talking
about.
ZAPHOD
Which is why I'm going there.
FORD
Where?
ZAPHOD
There. To find Deep Thought. On
Magrathea.
FORD
Magrathea!? Magrathea is a myth, a
legend...
ZAPHOD
No, it isn't. It's real, cousin. And this
is the only ship in the universe that can
get you there.
FORD
(realizing)
You mean to tell me you carved up your
brain so you could become President so you
would get invited to the launching
ceremony of this ship...so you could steal
it... so you could go to Magrathea --
which, according to most sane people,
doesn't even exist?
ZAPHOD
Yep.
FORD
Beautiful.
ARTHUR
Why this ship? What's so special about
it?
Zaphod thinks again -- hard.
ZAPHOD
I don't seem to be letting myself in on
any of my secrets.
TRILLIAN (O.S.)
Because of this, obviously.
They turn to see Trillian flipping open a glass lid
revealing a BIG RED BUTTON. Ford reads the glowing
letters above the button...
(CONTINUED)
4 46.
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9 CONTINUED: (2) 49
FORD
(reading)
Infinite Improbability Drive? So they
finally built one that works. And that's
how we got picked up.
ZAPHOD
Exactly. And I'm guessing if we hit that
button -- we go to Magrathea.
ARTHUR
You're guessing?
ZAPHOD
Hey, anyone who's not up for that, there's
the door. Now who's in?
FORD
For a trip to a place that doesn't exist?
I'm in. My editor will think I'm crazy,
but what the hell -- he already thinks I'm
dead.
He takes out the Guide. Zaphod looks to Trillian.
TRILLIAN
Definitely. I'm in.
They're all standing together. They turn to Arthur.
Arthur looks to Trillian. She stares back -- waiting.
ARTHUR
Do I even have a choice?
Zaphod smiles, all bright and cheery.
ZAPHOD
No!
Arthur looks at the button.
ARTHUR
What exactly does an Infinite
Improbability Drive do?
Suddenly, Zaphod's Head 2 shoots up!
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
THIS!!
Zaphod's third arm shoots out and smacks the button.
50 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 50
Improbability Drive Effect -- as the ship flips across
space and disappears, leaving nothing but shimmers.
(CONTINUED)
5 47.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
0 CONTINUED: 50
GUIDE VOICE
The Infinite Improbability Drive is a new
method of crossing vast interstellar
distances without all that tedious mucking
about in hyperspace. As soon as the drive
reaches Infinite Improbability, it passes
through every conceivable point in every
conceivable Universe almost simultaneously,
then selects the appropriate re-entry
point. The principle of generating small
amounts of finite improbability by hooking
the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-
Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter
suspended in a strong Brownian Motion
producer, say a nice hot cup of tea, were
of course well understood.
Seconds later, the Vogon Destroyer comes out of
hyperspace and slows to cruising speed.
51 INT. VOGON DESTROYER SHIP. BRIDGE - NIGHT 51
Vogon controllers and copilots turn dials and push
buttons, scrambling to regain a signal.
GUIDE VOICE
Such generators were often used to break
the ice at parties by making all the
molecules in the hostess's undergarments
leap simultaneously one foot to the left,
in accordance with the Theory of
Indeterminacy.
Kwaltz and Questular appear on the monitor.
KWALTZ
Well, Captain...?
Controllers turn more dials, trying to find the ship.
GUIDE VOICE
Many respectable physicists said they
weren't going to stand for that sort of
thing partly because it was a debasement
of science, but mostly because they didn't
get invited to those sort of parties.
VOGON CAPTAIN
We had them sir. These are the
coordinates. But -- they're not here.
KWALTZ
I can see that. WHERE ARE THEY?
The captain shrugs. Kwaltz heaves a walrusy sigh.
5 48.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
2 EXT. DEEP SPACE - NIGHT 52
We hover above a greenish/purplish planet.
IMPROBABILITY EFFECT - space RIPPLES. Something begins to
materialize, something big and gray - tumbling toward us.
We now see the big, gray thing is a GIANT RHINOCEROS --
which ripples, flips inside out and becomes the Heart of
Gold.
53a INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT 53a
A knitted version of Arthur, Trillian, Ford and Zaphod
sit in chairs before the ships console.
KNITTED ZAPHOD
(clutching stomach)
Is this going to happen every time we hit
that button?
KNITTED TRILLIAN
Very probably, yes.
53 The air ripples. The 'knitted' crew flip back to their 53
former selves. Arthur pukes into a trash bin and with a
sick expression, looks up to the screen.
ARTHUR
Did it work? Are we there?
Now Zaphod looks -- and he's elated.
ZAPHOD
Yes!...I think. Computer?
EDDIE
Hi, fella!
Head 2 suddenly springs up.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Can you please change that zarking
annoying voice!!?
TRILLIAN
Computer? What planet is that, please?
EDDIE
CHECKING!!
On-hold Muzak plays. They all sit and listen for a few
beats, then Arthur yelps...
ARTHUR
OW!!
(spinning around to Zaphod)
Did you just pluck a hair from my head?
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Yeah, as if, apeman.
(CONTINUED)
5 49.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
3 CONTINUED: 53
Arthur suddenly feels something on his back, leaps out of
the chair and brushes it off.
The two mice land on the floor across the ship, then
scurry away down a hallway. Before Arthur can react...
EDDIE
Thanks for waiting, everyone. I'm just
tickled pink to tell you we are currently
in orbit around the planet Viltvodle 6.
PUSH IN ON ZAPHOD -- who's 2nd Head suddenly shoots up.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Humma Kavula!
54 INT. VOGON DESTROYER SHIP. BRIDGE - NIGHT 54
Vogon crew quickly enter data. A FLIGHT ENGINEER gets
something on his screen, shows it to the Captain.
VOGON CAPTAIN
Sir, the Heart of Gold has just requested
permission to land on Viltvodle 6. Should
I pursue?
KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
That is not a request to which I can
respond, captain. Should I pursue what?
Are you requesting hyperspace clearance so
that you may pursue the fugitive?
VOGON CAPTAIN
Yes, commander.
KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
Then you must say that, captain -- in
request form.
VOGON CAPTAIN
Requesting hyperspace clearance to pursue
the fugitive, sir.
KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
Thank you. Request acknowledged. Await
response.
55 INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS 55
KWALTZ
(into microphone)
Bring me the request to pursue fugitive
forms.
The war room is silent. We hear the sound of running
above. The footsteps hurry all the way around, we hear a
door open, running up more steps, along the corridor
until and finally an exhausted Vogon Messenger bursts
through the door holding a blue form. Questular shakes
his head in disbelief as Kwaltz signs the request form.
(CONTINUED)
5 50.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
5 CONTINUED: 55
QUESTULAR
This is ridiculous! What do you need, an
executive order? Fine. I order you. Stop
doing this! Go and get him!
KWALTZ
According to Subsection 94b, paragraph 2,
you're not authorized to make such an
order.
QUESTULAR
But I'm acting president!
KWALTZ
Then act like a president, and do nothing.
Kwaltz continues to fill out the forms. Questular grabs
a clump of his hair -- and pulls it out.
CUT TO:
56 EXT. VILTVODLE 6. SPACEPORT. - NIGHT 56
All we can see are the lights of the Heart of Gold's
entry ramp cutting through a dense fog. Or is it fog?
Zaphod's 2nd head is up as he comes down the ramp ahead
of the other three.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Humma Kavula!
BACK A FEW STEPS WITH ARTHUR, TRILLIAN AND FORD...
ARTHUR
Why does he keep saying that?
TRILLIAN
I don't know. I'm not used to seeing him
this way.
ARTHUR
You mean fully clothed?
She stops, fires him a look.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Sorry, but I can't for the life of me
figure out why you, the most brilliant
woman I have ever met, have ended up with
that half-witted, self-obsessed, vapid
politician! I mean, look at him!
They squint through the fog at Zaphod, Head 2 out. His
hands keep trying to get it down but the 3rd arm keeps
whacking them away. He disappears into the fog.
(CONTINUED)
5 51.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
6 CONTINUED: 56
TRILLIAN
Clearly unlike any guy I've ever met.
(back to Arthur)
Look, if you're going to pout your way
around space, then maybe you should just
go home.
ARTHUR
I can't. That's the whole point -- and
I've been trying to tell you...
FORD
(interrupting)
Hey, look what I found in the guide.
He hands the guide to Trillian. She keeps walking.
FORD (CONT'D)
I wouldn't tell her if I were you.
ARTHUR
She deserves to know.
FORD
But if you tell her and she ends up with
you because you're literally the last guy
on Earth -- you'll always doubt her
intentions.
Arthur considers this. Nods.
FORD (CONT'D)
Got your towel?
ARTHUR
Do I need it?
FORD
Only always.
Ford puts his towel to his mouth as they follow Trillian
down the mist covered street. She's reading the guide.
GUIDE VOICE
In the beginning, the universe was created.
This made a lot of people very angry and
has been widely regarded as a bad move.
Zaphod continues several steps ahead of them.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Many races believe that it was created by
some sort of God, though the Jatravartid
people of Viltvodle 6 firmly believe that
the entire Universe was in fact sneezed
out of the nose of a being called the
Great Green Arkleseizure. The
Jatravartids, who live in perpetual fear
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
5 52.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
6 CONTINUED: (2) 56
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
of the time they call "The Coming of Great
White Handkerchief" are small blue
creatures with more than fifty arms each.
...who are therefore unique in being the
only race in history to have invented the
aerosol deodorant before the wheel.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Humma Kavula!
SLAM. Zaphod's two arms shove his chin back down.
ZAPHOD
I'll handle this.
56a EXT. SEEDY STREET-VILTVODLE 56a
The others approach, watching Zaphod as he stops a
passing an eight-armed alien creature, asks him
something, oozing charm. The creature points down the
street with 3 arms, then with 2 others hands him a pen
and paper. Zaphod signs an autograph and moves on.
The alien beams, then squirts three cans of aerosol under
several arms. More mist rises. FOLLOW IT UP revealing:
57 A LARGE BUILDING -- a temple with two giant arches. 57
The others follow. CAMERA TILTS UP and we see this
building looks like a nose lying horizontally, the "giant
arches" are the nostrils.
58 INT. ARKLESEIZURE TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS 58
Zaphod opens the huge doors inside the large
nostril/arches. A rush of air blows the mist past Ford,
Trillian and Arthur a few steps behind. They stop.
A congregation of worshipers faces front where HUMMA KAVULA
stands behind a podium. He's a humanoid wearing a white
robe and night-vision sun glasses.
HUMMA KAVULA
The handkerchief is coming, beloveds. Are
you ready? Let us pray that the almighty
will exhale a breath of compassion on us.
Instead of bowing, they all point their noses heavenward.
Zaphod marches down the center aisle while Humma prays.
HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
Almighty Arkleseizure, we lift our noses,
clogged and unblown in reverence to you.
Zaphod stops a few feet away from Humma's chair.
ZAPHOD
Hello, Humma.
(CONTINUED)
5 53.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
8 CONTINUED: 58
ON FORD AND ARTHUR
ARTHUR
That's Humma Kavula? I thought he was
just using a swear word.
FORD
(shaking his head)
Humma Kavula was his opponent in the
election. Something happened during the
campaign. Zaphod never forgave him.
ARTHUR
What was it?
Ford shrugs. HUMMA looks up, sees Zaphod, smiles.
HUMMA KAVULA
(wrapping up the prayer)
Send the handkerchief, lord, so that it may
wipe us clean. We ask this in your
precious holy name...
CONGREGATION
Achoo.
And they all sneeze. Akin to crossing himself, Humma
raises a hand to his nose, then down again.
HUMMA KAVULA
Bless you.
CUT TO:
59 INT. HUMMA'S QUARTERS - CONTINUOUS 59
Humma's quarters are opulent. He sits behind his desk
flanked by several ARMED BODY GUARDS. Ford, Arthur and
Trillian keep a safe distance as Zaphod faces off with
Humma who has the air of a cool news anchor man.
HUMMA KAVULA
Zaphod Beeblebrox, our famous President.
The Arkleseizure has exhaled many
blessings upon you. What brings you to
our humble planet?
ZAPHOD
I think you know why I'm here.
HUMMA KAVULA
I don't think I do.
ZAPHOD
Oh, I think you think you don't, but we
both know -- you do.
HUMMA KAVULA
Elequent as always, Zaphod. Your ability
to communicate a clear thought never
ceases to amaze.
(CONTINUED)
5 54.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
9 CONTINUED: 59
Head 2 suddenly springs up -- to the surprise of all.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
You called me stupid!
HUMKA KAVULA
(re: the heads)
Interesting. And I don't know what you're
talking about.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
During the campaign, Humma -- you said I
was stupid.
HUMMA KAVULA
This Humma you speak of no longer exists.
He came here in his consolation position
as Ambassador to Gamma Z10 to squelch an
ideological threat to the system and
repented from his wicked ways. He now
goes by the holy name Tazelo the
Unceasingly Righteous, given to him by his
devoted followers.
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF, YOU
RIGHTEOUS FREAK!! YOU STARTED THE RUMOR
THAT I'M STUPID AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!!
The 3rd arm reaches for a gun in Zaphod's vest. The BODY
GUARDS aim their weapons. One runs up and smacks Zaphod
in the back of the head -- slamming Head 2 back in place.
ZAPHOD
Thank you.
The 3rd arm disappears. The gun falls. A BODY GUARD
picks it up.
WITH ARTHUR, FORD AND TRILLIAN
ARTHUR
Why do I get the feeling he's going to get
us all killed?
FORD
Probably because it's very possible. Just
don't save me, okay? We're even.
Humma lays his palms on the table and lifts himself as if
to stand - but there is nothing of him below the table
line except for thirty, one inch metal legs, attached to
the base of his torso. He glides towards Zaphod, the
little legs extending to reach the floor as he reaches
the end of the table.
(CONTINUED)
5 55.
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9 CONTINUED: (2) 59
HUMMA KAVULA
The election is ancient history, Zaphod,
but if memory serves -- you won, proving
that good looks and charm win over
brilliance and ability to govern.
A guard drapes a white robes over Humma's shoulders - which
he ties with a belt - hiding his peculiar undercarriage.
HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
And incidently -- you are stupid.
His head jerks up. Zaphod stops it, paints on a smile.
ZAPHOD
That's really not the point.
HUMMA KAVULA
You haven't come halfway across the galaxy
to settle a campaign grudge. Why are you
here, Zaphod?
Zaphod doesn't answer. Humma motions to a guard who
grabs his arm, twists it -- hard.
ZAPHOD
(wincing)
I don't know. I was headed for Magrathea,
I ended up here.
PUSH IN ON HUMMA -- who raises his hi-tech sun glasses.
HUMMA KAVULA
How very, very...
(knowingly)
...improbable.
He pulls the nose off his body guard, turns a key. A
secret safe door slides open from the mans' chest.
HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
I kept a few souvenirs from my former
life. Ah, the heady days of space
piracy... so young, so foolish..,
Another, smaller box rises from the chest cabinet. Inside
we see glowing jewels, a skeleton hand, etc. Humma
removes a PINK CUBE (like Zaphod's blue cube.)
HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
I'll gladly give you the coordinates to
Magrathea...
He holds up the pink cube revealing A SERIES OF
COORDINATE NUMBERS on each side. Zaphod reaches for it.
Humma takes it back...
HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
...provided you bring me something in
return.
(CONTINUED)
5 56.
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9 CONTINUED: (3) 59
ZAPHOD
What?
HUMMA KAVULA
A gun.
ZAPHOD
A gun?
HUMMA KAVULA
A very special gun. Designed by the
greatest computer ever invented, now
buried in the bowels of Magrathea.
ZAPHOD
Fine. I'll get your gun. Just give me
the coordinates.
Zaphod reaches out. Humma pulls it back.
HUMMA KAVULA
And what will you give me to insure your
return?
ZAPHOD
My word as President.
HUMMA KAVULA
Ha! I'd be better off with the dung of a
Bethusian Mega Donkey.
ZAPHOD
Okay, then I'll get you that.
HUMMA KAVULA
I need a hostage, something you hold dear.
Only what does Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure?
ON ZAPHOD'S SECOND HEAD -- peeping out of the collar
looking terrified.
Humma smiles. Bingo. He signals the guards. They grab
Zaphod who looks back to Trillian, offers a weak smile.
SMASH CUT TO:
60 INT. HUMMA KAVULA'S OPERATING THEATRE -- LATER 60
Very fast scene - two seconds. Zaphod's 2nd Head SCREAMS!
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
Nooo!!!
PULL BACK to see it being lifted out of Zaphod's neck.
Zaphod unconscious on the operating table. Blood and
instruments everywhere.
6 57.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
1 INT. HUMMA KAVULA'S ROOM -- LATER 61
Zaphod's head hangs on the wall. Wires feed out of the
neck into a huge machine.
Beneath the head is a crude drawing of a body and the
words "I'm with Stupid." An arrow points to Zaphod's
Head 2 -- which is shouting...
ZAPHOD HEAD 2
IDIOT! ZARKING MORON!! COME BACK!! YOU
NEED ME!! COME BAAAAACKKKK!!!!
HUMMA KAVULA
You should quit while you're "a head"
Zaphod. No one has ever got passed the
Magrathean defence system alive.
Humma laughs maniacally.
62 EXT. VILTVODLE 6. MAIN STREET - NIGHT 62
Zaphod, held aloft on Ford and Arthur's shoulders,
staggers down the street toward the spaceport where the
Heart of Gold is parked. His neck is wrapped with a
blood-soaked bandage which looks like a scarlet ascot.
ARTHUR
Are we sure this is the right way?
FORD
Yes! I think. I don't know. Maybe not.
ARTHUR
Yes, thank you for clearing that up.
Ford looks puzzled at Arthur. Did I clear it up? A crowd
has gathered. When they see Zaphod, they scream...
CROWD
Mr. President!...Zaphod, over here!...I
want to have your baby!, etc...
Zaphod, still feeling the effects of whatever drugs he
was given, dons a presidential smile and waves.
FORD
Back to the ship. Quickly.
They quicken their pace when suddenly...
FIFTY VOGON POLICE -- emerge from the mist.
VOGON POLICE #1
Mr. President! We are here for your
protection!
Zaphod, Ford, Trillian and Arthur freeze in their tracks.
6 58.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
3 INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS 63
Kwaltz and Questular watch the action on the front
screen.
KWALTZ
Fire upon the kidnapper!
(62 cont) EXT. MAIN STREET - (62 cont)
The police fire. F, T, & A run for it, but Z stays put.
ZAPHOD
Zarquon! Friendly fire! Well, if that's
what they want--
He pulls out his gun up and fires back.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Hey! Let's do lunch! Nice haircut, fella!
Hey! Your kids are the same age as mine--
We should get them together some time!
With each line he fires. Ford grabs him. Shots hit a
stack of aerosol cans. They EXPLODE. More mist rises.
(63 cont) INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - (63 cont)
QUESTULAR
Commander! The President is the
kidnapper!
KWALTZ
Cease fire!
(62 cont) BEHIND THE KIOSK-- (62 cont}
The gang run down an alley and hide behind a kiosk.
Zaphod sports a goofy smile. Arthur is scared to death.
ARTHUR
Oh God, I really hate Thursdays.
FORD
Zaphod, what do we do?
ZAPHOD
Build bridges between the stars!
He holds up two peace signs, a la Nixon.
ARTHUR
What?
FORD
I think that was his campaign slogan.
Trillian finds a deodorant can, grabs it, gets an idea.
TRILLIAN
Alright, follow me.
She aims the can at Zaphod's ear- Arthur's face registers
the madness of the moment.
( 59.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
63 cont) INT. VOGON DESTROYER. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS (63 cont)
QUESTULAR
There they are!
(62 cont) ON SCREEN -- Trillian, with aerosol can to Zaphod's ear (62 cont)
moves down the street. The crowd GASPS. The quartet
continues anxiously forward, eyeing the police whose guns
track their every move.
TRILLIAN
Back off or I'll kill him, I swear I will!
(63 cont)KWALTZ -- looks confused. (63 cont)
KWALTZ
Could that actually kill him?
(62 cont) The police step backwards -- but the crowd takes a step (62 cont)
forward. A huddle of female ADMIRERS rush them, waving
pens and paper as if the Beatles have arrived.
ADMIRERS
Mr. President, Mr. President!...
Zaphod paints on a smile, breaks away from the others to
go sign a few autographs.
FEMALE ADMIRER
I totally voted for you!
ZAPHOD
Thank you!
Reveal that the female fans are actually a multi-headed,
two legged GROUPIE.
(63 cont) ON QUESTULAR AND KWALTZ-- (63 cont)
KWALTZ
Get her!
(62 cont) CHAOS! The walrusy Vogon police swarm in like maggots, (62 cont)
surrounding Trillian and edging Ford and Arthur away.
VOGON POLICE
Resistance is useless!
Shots are fired. The crowd SCREAMS and SCATTERS. Arthur
reaches for Trillian but she is engulfed by Vogons who
move, en masse, and pull her away into the mist.
ARTHUR
Tricia!
Ford, with Zaphod in tow, shoves Arthur forward, using
his towel to clear a path through the mist. They see the
Heart of Gold ramp descending from the belly of the ship.
FORD
This way!
(CONTINUED)
( 60.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
62 cont) CONTINUED: (62 cont)
ARTHUR
NO!! TRICIA!!!
SHOTS FIRE all around them as Ford pushes Zaphod and
Arthur up the ramp.
(63 cont) INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT (63 cont)
Questular and Kwaltz watch the monitor as Vogon Police
usher Trillian, in futuristic hand-cuffs, past the Vogon
Captain who stands in the foreground on his ship.
KWALTZ
Bring her to Vogsphere for processing,
Captain.
The captain nods. The screen goes black.
QUESTULAR
They're coming here!? But they've only
accomplished half the mission. What about
Zaphod? HE MUST FACE JUSTICE!!
KWALTZ
My instructions were clear...
From a slot in his chair, he pulls his instructions --
signed in triplicate of course. He reads...
KWALTZ (CONT'D)
"Apprehend the kidnapper, rescue the
president." We do them in that order.
And until the kidnapper is properly
processed, she isn't officially
apprehended, now is she, Mr. Vice-
President?
Questular pulls out another small clump of hair.
CUT TO:
64 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 64
Ford and Arthur drag Zaphod into the bridge. On the
front screen, they can see the Vogon ships flying away.
ARTHUR
We have to go! Let's GO!
ZAPHOD
(still loopy)
Right!
Looking strangely happy, he slides the PINK COORDINATE
CUBE Humma gave him into a slot on the console.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Computer! Take us to Magrathea!
ARTHUR
What? No! Follow those ships!
(CONTINUED)
6 61.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
4 CONTINUED: 64
Arthur lunges for a control. Zaphod woozily tries to
stop him. There's a struggle, then Zaphod realizes...
ZAPHOD
Hey -- my third arm. I had one, didn't I?
ARTHUR
We have to go after her!
The computer fires to life, BLEEPS and BLIPS. Only now
it has an effete, effeminate, almost matriarchal voice.
EDDIE
Boys, please! Not so rough. You're
damaging my joystick.
They all look at the source of the voice, confused.
FORD
Who is that?
MARVIN
Ghastly, isn't it? I was asked to change
the personality type, this was the
emergency back-up.
EDDIE
How, if you want me to take you somewhere,
we're going to have to start using our
magic words, "please" and "thank you."
ARTHUR
Can you change it back?
MARVIN
I can -- but I won't enjoy it.
EDDIE
I'm wait-ing...
Arthur sees the Vogon ships getting away. Desperate, he
shoves_Zaphod out of_the_driver's seat. Zaphod hits the
floor, considers protesting, lies down on the floor to
sleep instead -- with a contented smile.
Arthur sits. He looks very out of place in a seat
normally reserved for the likes of Han Solo. He scans
the console. Ford sits in the seat beside him.
ARTHUR
Ford?
FORD
Marvin?
MARVIN
Don't look at me. I'm too depressed.
(CONTINUED)
6 62.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
4 CONTINUED: 64
ARTHUR
(getting desperate)
Computer?! Isn't there some kind of
manual override switch thing?
EDDIE
Yeeessss...
ARTHUR
WELL WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!
EDDIE
Magic words?
ARTHUR
Show me the override switch or I'll
reprogram you with a very large axe.
EDDIE
(long pause)
I can see this relationship is something
we're all going to have to work at.
64a DING. A chime sounds. A switch on the console 64a
ILLUMINATES. "MANUAL OVERRIDE." Arthur flips the switch.
The cockpit is sealed in a glass ball and shoots upwards.
65 EXT. HEART OF GOLD - NIGHT 65
The cockpit bubble POPS out like an ejector seat, now a
little glass pod. It floats through space, then rear
thrusters ignite and blast the ship forward.
66 INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE/POD - CONTINUOUS 66
An aircraft steering wheel rises up between Arthur's
legs. He grabs it, spinning out of control.
FORD
I think I should push this button.
Ford pushes a big button. AN ALARM SOUNDS!
ARTHUR
What's that? What happened?!
FORD
A sign lit up saying "Please do not push
this button again."
Arthur grabs the control, does his best to steer.
67 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 67
The glass pod streaks unsteadily forward toward A DULL
GRAY PLANET.
68 EXT. VOGSPHERE - DAY 68
The rectangular ship sits on the surface as Police escort
Trillian off it and into a GRAY RECTANGULAR BLDG.
6 63.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
9 DIFFERENT PART OF VOGSPHERE/NEAR SWAMP-- 69
The ground is barren. A scintillatingly jeweled crab
crawls out of a swamp and looks up at the sky. We hear
the sound of the pod approaching (but hold on the crab)
as EEEOOOO-KA-KFFFZZZ! The crab runs back into the
swamp. PAN LEFT to see the pod rammed into the ground,
steam rising. The door opens. The three emerge.
FORD
Wow...
MARVIN
I know. Dreadful, isn't it?
ARTHUR
Sorry about the landing. Where are we?
ZAPHOD
Magrathea!
FORD
Wrong. This is the Vogon planet. This is
Vogsphere.
ZAPHOD
No. It's Magrathea! I know it!
Ford reaches in his satchel, pulls out a sort of
ELECTRONIC BERET, pulls it snugly onto Zaphod's head.
FORD
Little something I learned about on an
Altairian star cruiser. Captains use them
when they really need to concentrate.
ARTHUR
What is it?
FORD
A Thinking Cap.
Zaphod squints hard to think as he looks around.
70 EXT. VOGCITY 70
THEIR P.O.V. -- there are rows and rows of dull, gray,
rectangular buildings as far as the eye can see.
(69 cont) The three men step out of the ship. (69 cont)
MARVIN
This will all end in tears, I just know
it.
Marvin moves out, a few paces behind.
FORD
I checked the guide for ways to rescue a
prisoner from Vogsphere. It said "Don't."
I'm assuming your plan is better.
(CONTINUED)
6 64.
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9 CONTINUED: 69
ARTHUR
Well, I sort of had this idea we could...
A TELESCOPIC ROD WITH A PADDLE AT THE TOP shoots out of
the ground, SMACKS Arthur on the face, then retracts.
Arthur is stunned. None of the others have noticed.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Did anyone see that?
ZAPHOD
See what?
They look at Arthur. It suddenly seems ridiculous.
ARTHUR
Nothing.
They all walk along - Arthur at the back, perplexed.
FORD
What was it?
ARTHUR
Nothing. Just my imagination.
Another paddle springs up, double smack in the face.
Arthur leaps back. Looks down. Nothing. Nothing at all.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Alright, stop. Everyone stop and watch
me. Something's happening.
They watch. Arthur walks. And walks.
FORD
Okay. I think we...
A paddle springs up and smacks Ford's face.
FORD (CONT'D)
AH!
He leaps back, clutching his cheeks. Arthur spins around.
ARTHUR
You, too?
FORD
Yes. What was that?
Arthur lifts his feet very carefully.
FORD (CONT'D)
I th...
He stops himself and looks round.
(CONTINUED)
6 65.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
9 CONTINUED: (2) 69
FORD (CONT'D)
What do you think, Zaphod?
Zaphod pulls his thinking cap down, thinks hard.
ZAPHOD
I think we should keep going.
A paddle shoots up, smacks Zaphod's face. They all saw.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
AAAH!!
ARTHUR
What the blazes is that?
FORD
(very deliberately)
I have... an idea.
A paddle shoots up. Ford ducks. It misses. He grabs its
telescopic stalk. It thrashes in his hands. He breaks it.
FORD (CONT'D)
Okay, don't think of anything. Don't have
ideas or theories -- nothing.
A beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several
paddles shoot up. Smacking them.
ARTHUR
I can't, help it! Trillian is in there
somewhere and we need an idea to save her.
ZAPHOD
I have an idea. (SMACK!) Run!
FORD
Ever the politician.
They take off running. A forest of paddle stalks erupts
out of the ground around them, smacking violently.
They come to rest at the side of a Vogon building.
ARTHUR
Okay, so...
(thinking)
...not thinking, not thinking, no ideas
coming...
(looking to Marvin)
...this is by no means an idea that has
any merit, but Marvin -- can you give me a
hand?
SMASH CUT TO:
71 INT. VOGON ADMINISTRATION BUILDING - DAY 71
The dullest office environment ever. A counter with few
VOGONS behind it, mindlessly moving bits of paper around.
(CONTINUED)
7 66.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
1n CONTINUED: 71n
The front doors BURST open. Arthur storms through them,
holding Marvin's arm which has the fingers pointed like a
gun. He trips, falls, drops the arm, picks it up again,
trying hard to look tough. Ford and Zaphod follow, Zaphod
wearing the Thinking Cap and sunglasses for disguise.
Ford wearing his towel over his face like a bandit.
The Vogons look up, nonplussed.
ARTHUR
Alright, where is she?
VOGON BEHIND COUNTER
Who? The Director of Robot Arm repair?
Next building, out the door to the left.
Arthur looks at the arm -- then slowly lowers it.
ARTHUR
Actually, we're looking for...
(how to put this...?)
...someone you're detaining, perhaps in
some form of incarceration...
VOGON BEHIND COUNTER
Prisoner Release Department. Six buildings
down, out the door, right, left, then two
rights. Big gray building, can't miss it.
CUT TO:
72 INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG./INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY 72
Trillian is seated beside a desk while a VOGON OFFICER
asks her questions. Kwaltz and Questular stand nearby.
VOGON OFFICER
Name?
TRILLIAN
Trillian.
He types into his ancient looking computer.
VOGON OFFICER
Not registered.
TRILLIAN
Try Tricia McMillan.
VOGON OFFICER
Tricia Yggarstuk McMillanus of Blaard?
TRILLIAN
No. Tricia Imogene McMillan of Earth.
The Officer types, checks his screen, shakes his head.
VOGON OFFICER
Sorry. No record of "Earth."
(CONTINUED)
7 67.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
2 CONTINUED: 72
TRILLIAN
Earth. In the Milky Way?
{remembering)
Um...galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
The Vogon Officer types, reads from the screen.
VOGON OFFICER
Right. Here it is. "Earth. Destroyed."
Do you have a second home planet?
PUSH IN ON TRILLIAN -- gutted by the news.
TRILLIAN
Destroyed? No -- that's impossible.
VOGON OFFICER
Says here it was destroyed to make way for
a hyperspace expressway. The order was
given...three weeks ago.
TRILLIAN
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND GIVES AN ORDER TO
DESTROY A PLANET!?
CUT TO:
73 EXT-ADMIN BUILDING-VOGCITY 73
ZAPHOD - WALKING WITH FORD AND ARTHUR
ZAPHOD
He said the gray building, right?
THEIR P.O.V. -- all the buildings are gray. Arthur sees
2 VOGON POLICE escorting someone in handcuffs into one of
the buildings.
ARTHUR
There. That's it. This way.
He raises Marvin's arm, pointing the fingers.
74 INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BUILDING/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS 74
A, F & Z enter the double doors, then stop short.
Stunned.
THEIR P.O.V. - a typical government pick-a-number and
wait sort of room. Bland. Bad lighting. Numbered
windows. It's packed with all manner of species.
ARTHUR
Leave this to me. I'm British.
(with gusto)
I know how to queue.
He confidently takes a number and gets in line with the
several hundred others -- feeling very much at home.
( 68.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
72 cont)INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG./INTERROGATION ROOM - (72 cont)
Trillian sits at the Officer's desk, arms folded, defiant.
TRILLIAN
I don't believe you. This is some sort of
trick. Zaphod wouldn't blow up a planet,
especially mine.
Kwaltz now steps forward and extends a piece of paper.
KWALTZ
These are the orders.
Trillian takes the paper, runs her finger down to the
signature line where it reads "Love and kisses, Zaphod!"
TRILLIAN
Love and kisses...?
She hands the paper back, swallowing emotion.
KWALTZ
Now -- according to Section 8, sub-section
34 dash A, the punishment for kidnapping
is a recitation of the classic poem, "Ode
to the Removal of Your Left Kidney."
Unless -- said kidnapping is of the
President, in which case you are to be fed
to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
We thank you for your cooperation.
A door is opened revealing a room with a large steel box.
A huge, angry eye stares out of a tiny barred window.
The box shakes like crazy. Trillian gulps.
(74 cont) INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BUILDING/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS (74 cont)
Zaphod is in line with Arthur and Ford. He looks up to:
A PRESIDENTIAL PHOTOGRAPH -- of himself, in suit and tie,
smiling broadly. He lowers his thinking cap.
FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
Next!
Arthur steps up, followed by Ford and Zaphod who keeps
his head low and bowed.
ARTHUR
Yes. Hi. We're here about getting a
prisoner released?
FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
Prisoner release form?
She holds out her hand. Arthur doesn't have a form.
Annoyed, she points across the room to a wall that is
nothing but shelves holding forms.
(CONTINUED)
69.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
(74 cont)CONTINUED: (74 cont)
ARTHUR
Right. Once I've filled it out can I
return to the front of the line, seeing as
I've already waited...
FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
No. Next!
Arthur sighs, frustrated. All three of them walk to the
shelves holding the forms. Arthur turns to Zaphod.
ARTHUR
Can't you do something?! You're
President, aren't you?
ZAPHOD
You want me to make a speech, shake a
hand? That's what I do -- I think. It's
all a little fuzzy.
Arthur angrily fills out the form.
MOMENTS LATER--
Arthur is back in line, having waited a long time. He
finally gets to the window, hands the green form to the
Vogon Processor. She types into her computer, then checks
the screen.
FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
This Prisoner is being detained for...
(reading)
Kidnapping the president. Not eligible for
release at this time. You can make an
appointment for a later date or take a
number and wait.
Arthur's breathing quickens. He can't take this.
ARTHUR
Alright, look.
(yanks thinking cap and
sunglasses off Zaphod)
This is the President.
She looks at Zaphod, then back to the large portrait of
Zaphod, then back to Zaphod. She nods. Okay...
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
He says the whole kidnapping thing was a
terrible misunderstanding, she didn't mean
anything by it and he's ordering you to
let her go.
FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
(holding up green form)
But this isn't a Presidential Release of
Prisoner form. Those are blue.
She points to the wall of forms. Arthur sighs.
( 70.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
72 cont) QUICK CUT BACK TO TRILLIAN -- (72 cont)
Trillian is lowered into the Bugblatter beast box/cage.
We cannot see the beast but it's screams of hunger are
scaring the hell out of Trillian.
(74 cont) BACK TO ARTHUR -- (74 cont)
...who returns, practically shoving Zaphod forward.
Zaphod hands the Vogon Processor the blue form.
FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR (CONT'D)
Okay...
She reviews the form, stamps it, pulls off the carbon
copy underneath, hands that to Zaphod.
VOGON PROCESSOR
Go to the Prisoner Release Lobby, out the
door, right, left, 2nd door on the right.
(72 cont) BACK WITH TRILLIAN -- (72 cont)
As she braces herself to be eaten by the monster.
Suddenly, a couple of VOGON GUARDS enter and hand Kwaltz
a blue piece of paper. He reviews it, then signs it.
KWALTZ
You're free to go. Release her.
The Vogon Guard pulls Trillian up and out of the box on a
cable. The Bugblatter beast goes berserk.
QUESTULAR
What!?
(yanking blue paper away,
reading)
He's here?! Zaphod is here!? Let's go
get him!
But the Guard is already escorting Trillian out of the
room. Kwaltz is completing paperwork.
QUESTULAR (CONT'D)
Commander?
Kwaltz holds up a walrusy hand, one finger raised,
silencing Questular while he continues. Questular sighs.
We hear the Bugblatter beast weeping as the doors are
closed on him.
CUT TO:
75 INT. PRISONER RELEASE LOBBY - CONTINUOUS 75
A guard escorts Trillian into the Lobby where F, A & Z
await. Arthur steps toward her but Zaphod steps in front
of him, smiling, arms outstretched.
Trillian walks up to Zaphod -- and SLAPS HIM.
(CONTINUED)
7 71.
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5 CONTINUED: 75
TRILLIAN
You bastard. You signed the order to
destroy Earth?!
ARTHUR
He did?
ZAPHOD
I did?
TRILLIAN
"Love and kisses, Zaphod?" I saw the
form. You didn't even read it, did you?
ZAPHOD
Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy. I
don't get a lot of time for reading.
TRILLIAN
An entire planet, Zaphod. My home. Gone.
All because you thought someone wanted
your autograph!
She SLAPS him again, storms away, bursting out the door.
ZAPHOD
They framed me! It's routine for
controlling Presidents!
76 INT. PRISONER INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS 76
Kwaltz finishes his paperwork, stacks it neatly, holds it
up for Questular to see.
KWALTZ
Cancellation of the Rescue of the
President.
He hands it to a Messenger who runs off. Another one
runs up.
KWALTZ (CONT'D)
Now.
{with menace)
Get me the Apprehension of the President
form.
77 EXT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG. - CONTINUOUS 77
Trillian storms away from the building, enraged. She
sees a one-armed Marvin standing by the glass pod. She
heads for him. Arthur catches up to her.
ARTHUR
Trillian...
TRILLIAN
You knew. Why didn't you tell me?
(CONTINUED)
7 72.
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6 CONTINUED: 76
ARTHUR
I tried. He threatened me.
TRILLIAN
Get a backbone, Arthur.
She storms ahead of him. He stops.
ARTHUR
What about coming here to rescue you?!
That was my brilliant idea!
A paddle shoots up and slaps him in the face.
(77 cont) EXT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG. - MOMENTS LATER (77 cont)
Kwaltz and Questular, flanked by the Vogon police force,
step out of the building just in time to see...
78 ...THE GLASS HEART OF GOLD POD soaring overhead. 78
They all watch as it disappears from sight.
KWALTZ
The President tests my patience. This
time, I shall pursue him myself. Ready my
ship!
QUESTULAR
Yes! This is more like it.
79 INT. VOGON OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 79
Kwaltz sits in a desk, filling out a form.
Questular holds two clumps of hair in each fist.
QUESTULAR
THIS IS INSANITY!
KWALTZ
My license is expired, Mr. Vice President.
I can't fly with an expired license --
it's against the law.
Questular fists tremble. PLOP. Out comes two large
tufts of hair.
SMASH CUT TO:
80 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 80
The pod is reattached to the Heart of Gold which soars
through the stars.
81 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT 81
They're all getting buckled into their seats.
(CONTINUED)
8 73.
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1 CONTINUED: 81
EDDIE
(back to his normal voice)
Hi, fellas. Hold on to your hats!
ZAPHOD
Eddie! Welcome back!
The ship suddenly BLASTS forward. Their heads are
slammed back into the seats as they VIBRATE VIOLENTLY.
FORD
WHAT'S HAPPENING, ZAPHOD?! WHERE DID YOU
TELL IT TO GO?!
ZAPHOD
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!
Arthur looks to the console and sees the two mice sliding
across it, getting thrown across the ship. They continue
to vibrate -- even more violently.
FORD
ARE YOU SURE WE REATTACHED THIS THING THE
RIGHT WAY?!
Zaphod is all smiles, hanging on as if he were on a
rollercoaster ride.
ZAPHOD
ISN'T IT GREAT?!
82 DEEP SPACE-- 82
...the H.O.G. is but a blur as it streaks along.
83 BACK IN THE H.O.G. - LATER 83
Stars appear on the screen as they slow from hyperspace.
EDDIE
Guys, I'm just super happy to tell you
we're approaching hyperspace exit Gamma
Z8B530.
Arthur steadies himself, turns to Trillian who's still
staring forward, angry. She unbuckles her seat-belt and
moves away from the console.
A planet appears on screen. Zaphod and Ford lean
forward.
ZAPHOD
Okay, that's it...I think. Computer? Is
that...where are we headed again?
FORD
Magrathea?
EDDIE
Hang on, fella, and I'll check.
(CONTINUED)
8 74.
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3 CONTINUED: 83
Arthur turns, look over at...
TRILLIAN -- who stares out a portal window into the
emptiness of space. A tear rolls down her cheek.
Arthur steps up, isn't sure what to say.
ARTHUR
Look, you're right. You deserved to know
and I should've told you. I don't blame
you if you're angry.
She turns and stares, wipes the tears away. Can't speak.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Right. Anyway...I'm sorry.
EDDIE (O.S.)
Guys, it just tickles me pink to tell you
we are currently in orbit at an altitude
of three hundred miles around the
legendary planet of Magrathea. Goll-ee.
Hearing this news, Arthur, Trillian and Ford turn.
ZAPHOD
(tasting it)
Take us in.
83a EXT. NIGHT DEEP SPACE - MAGRATHEA 83a
They all stare in awe as they move toward a planet which
gets closer and closer. Suddenly, their faces are awash
with light.
Two suns rise behind the planet. It's breathtaking.
ZAPHOD
The twin suns of Soulianis and Rahm...
Marvin (both arms in tact) rises in the back, peers out.
MARVIN
It's rubbish.
83b Suddenly,a ghostly white swirl of light, vaguely in the 83b
shape of a man, appears on the screen before them.
GHOSTLY IMAGE
Greetings. This is a recorded announcement
as we're all out the moment. The Commercial
council of Magrathea thanks you for your
esteemed visit, but regrets that the entire
planet is temporarily closed for business.
If you would like to leave your name and a
planet where you can be contacted, kindly
do so at the tone.
BEEP. Then stunned silence.
(CONTINUED)
8 75.
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3b CONTINUED: 83b
ARTHUR
Closed? How can a planet be closed?
ZAPHOD
For once, Aldus, I agree with you. Okay,
computer. Keep going. Take us down.
EDDIE
Happy to!
The ship eases forward. The image appears again.
GHOSTLY IMAGE
It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm
for our planet continues unabated. As a
token of our appreciation, we hope you
will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles
we've just sent to converge with your
craft. To ensure on-going quality of
service, your death may be monitored for
training purposes. Thank you.
The image vanishes. A beat. Then...
EDDIE
Guys, I'm delighted to tell you there are
two thermonuclear missiles headed right
for us. Should I take evasive action?
83c The screens show two huge rockets thundering at us, 83c
Zaphod just smiles. Ford steps up.
FORD
Um...yes, computer. Evade!
Massive acceleration! An illuminated dome lowers from the
ceiling over the crew seats - creating a safety pod.
84 EXT. ABOVE MAGRATHEA. DAWN 84
The Heart of Gold streaks away. Two large missiles follow
and mimic the H.O.G.'s every move.
85 INT. THE BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 85
The crew are thrown from one side of the pod to the other.
EDDIE
There seems to be something jamming my
guidance systems. Impact minus 45
seconds. Call me Eddie if it'll help you
relax.
(84 cont) EXT. SKY OVER MAGRATHEA - CONTINUOUS (84 cont)
The H.O.G. streaks forward. The missiles are gaining.
ARTHUR
Computer! DO SOMETHING!!
(CONTINUED)
( 76.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
84 cont) CONTINUED: (84 cont)
EDDIE
Sure thing, fellah. Handing over manual
control. Good luck!
Big swell of Muzak. The ship drops like a stone.
THE MISSILES -- miss, then turn in a screeching curve.
(85 cont) INT. THE SAFETY POD - (85 cont)
Zaphod tries to wrestle with three controls.
ZAPHOD
I can't do this without my other arm!
(84 cont) THE H.O.G. -- spirals wildly, missiles narrowly missing. (84 cont)
(85 cont) IN THE SAFETY POD - everyone is thrown. (85 cont)
(84 cont) IN THE SKY -- the missiles are dead ahead, shooting (84 cont)
straight for us.
(85 cont) IN THE SAFETY POD-- (85 cont)
ZAPHOD
Did we lose them?
FORD
No. They're right behind us.
He looks down, sees the IMPROBABILITY DRIVE BUTTON.
ARTHUR
Look, why don't I just hit this thing?
ZAPHOD
NO! We're here! No telling where it will
send us!
(84 cont) IN THE SKY-- (84 cont)
The missiles turn and accelerate high into the sky. A
second set of boosters kick in on the missiles as they
soar back toward the H.O.G. --- much, much faster.
(85 cont) ON THE BRIDGE-- (85 cont)
They all stare at the approaching missiles. Arthur looks
at the drive button. Screw it. He flips open the glass
lid.
ZAPHOD
NO!
Too late. ARTHUR HITS THE BUTTON.
WOOMF! Light blasts through the bridge. Morphing
madness!
86 EXT. SPACE. - NIGHT 86
Empty for a moment. Then, the HEART OF GOLD reforms. A
few beats later, a SPERM WHALE floats into frame followed
by a BOWL OF PETUNIAS.
8 77.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
7 INT. THE BRIDGE - NIGHT 87
It coalesces back into shape out of chaos. The safety
dome rises revealing our heroes standing in the exact
same place they were - dazed.
ZAPHOD
Um...where are we?
TRILLIAN
Exactly where we were, I think.
ZAPHOD
And the missiles?
FORD
Have apparently turned into a bowl of
petunias and a very surprised looking
whale.
He points to the screen. The whale and petunias float by.
EDDIE
At an improbability factor of eight
million, seven hundred and sixty-seven
thousand, one hundred and twenty-eight to
one against.
They all look to Arthur who shrugs. Zaphod nods his
approval. Ford counts on his fingers -- are they even?
He waves it off, gives Arthur a little salute and moves
on. Trillian looks to Arthur and musters a smile.
ARTHUR
I could really use a cup of tea.
88 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 88
The H.O.G. arches away. The whale in mid-air, stops
rising, starts falling.
GUIDE VOICE
It is important to note that suddenly, and
against all probability, a sperm whale had
been called into existence several miles
above the surface of an alien planet. And
since this is not a naturally tenable
position for a whale, this innocent
creature had very little time to come to
terms with its identity as a whale before
it then had to come to terms with suddenly
not being a whale any more. This is what
it thought as it fell.
The camera moves around the whale as it falls.
(CONTINUED)
8 78.
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4 CONTINUED: 84
WHALE (V.O.)
Ahhhh!!!! What's happening? Excuse me! Who
am I? Hello? Why am I here? What's my
purpose in life? What do I mean by who am
I? What is this 'I' that I want to know
what it is? Calm down, get a grip now ...
ooh! This is an interesting sensation...
ANGLE: From below. The whale is wriggling a bit.
WHALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh! This is an interesting sensation,
what is it? It's a sort of... yawning,
tingling sensation in ... well I suppose I'd
better start finding names for things if I
want to make any headway in what for the
sake of what I shall call an argument I
shall call the world, so let's call it my
stomach! Good. Ooooh! It's getting quite
strong now. And hey,what's this whistling
roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly
going to call my head? Perhaps I can call
that ... wind! Is that a good name? It'll
do. Perhaps I can give it a better name
later when I've found out what it's for!
It must be very important because there
certainly seems to be an awful lot of it.
Hey! What's this thing ... this ... let's call
it a tail - yeah! Tail!
The whale thrashes its tail. Between the camera and the
whale drops the bowl of petunias. It falls from sight.
WHALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Hey! I can really thrash it about pretty
good, can't I? Wow! Wow! Doesn't seem to
achieve much but I'll probably find out
what it's for later on. How. Have I built
up a coherent picture of things yet?
No. Never mind. Hey, this is really
exciting, so much to find out about, ao
much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy
with anticipation ... Or is it the wind?
There really is an awful lot of that now,
isn't there?
It's eye tries to look down. Camera pulls back from the
whale, abandoning it ...
WHALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And hey! What's this thing coming
suddenly coming towards me very fast, so
big and flat and round it needs a big
wide-sounding name like ... ow ... ound...round
... ground! That's it, ground! I wonder if
it'll be friends with me?
We hear a sickening thud o.s.
(CONTINUED)
8 79.
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4 CONTINUED: 84
GUIDE VOICE
Curiously, the only thing that went
through the mind of the bowl of petunias
as it fell was "Oh no, not again."
We hear the petunia vase SHATTERING.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Many have speculated that if we knew why
the bowl of petunias had thought that we
would know a lot more about the nature of
the Universe than we do now.
DISSOLVE TO:
89 EXT. HEART OF GOLD. MAGRATHEA SURFACE - DAY 89
The gang stand by A HUGE CRATER (the H.O.G. parked in the
b.g.) -- a large whale carcass sits in the middle of it --
along with a few petunias. They all grimace.
BEYOND THE CRATER -- they see a formation of large rocks,
aligned in a circle. It's the only structure in sight.
They walk toward it.
90 EXT. ROCK FORMATION - DAY 90
Arthur walks behind the others, his head down.
FORD (O.S.)
Hey...this looks familiar.
Arthur looks up, registers surprise.
THE ROCK FORMATION -- looks like Stonehenge - only newer.
The rocks letters carved into them that read "DESIGN
DEPARTMENT" "SHOWROOM" "EXECUTIVE OFFICES" "TOILETS"
FORD (CONT'D}
Must be portal doors.
ARTHUR
You mean -- the hippies were right?
In the middle of the circle sits a stone receptionist
desk with a sign on it that says "OUT TO LUNCH."
Zaphod heads for the "To Design Department" stone.
Trillian and Ford follow.
Zaphod feels around it, looking for a switch, a knob,
anything. He must've hit something because the front of
the stone suddenly slides open revealing a SWIRLING
VORTEX THAT LOOKS LIKE A JET ENGINE.
ZAPHOD
Okay. In we go.
(CONTINUED)
9 80.
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0 CONTINUED: 90
ARTHUR
What?! Are you out of what's left of your
mind? We can't step into that...that.
FORD
We gotta pick one, right? If it's not the
right one, we come back and pick another.
No biggie.
ARTHUR
Yes -- big biggie. What if that's the
last door we ever step through? What if
it rips us into tiny little atomic
particle...thingies.
Trillian, who hasn't said a word since leaving Vogsphere,
covers her ears - trying to block them out
ZAPHOD
It's the right one. I have a hunch.
ARTHUR
Ford..?
FORD
He's got good hunches. I say we go.
ARTHUR
Go with the hunch of a narcissist with
half a brain who's wearing a ridiculous
thinking cap!? Are you insane?!
ZAPHOD
Hey, I think I resent that.
ARTHUR
I don't care what you think you think...
They all start arguing over each other. We focus on
Trillian -- Anger and frustration building, she covers
her ears -- then screams....
TRILLIAN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
And she takes off running for the door. Suicide? Bravery?
They turn just in time to see her jump into the vortex.
She YELPS as her body is bent in half, twisted like a
rung mop, then sucked inside.
Arthur is horrified, literally gasping for air. Ford is
semi-impressed. Zaphod, unfazed.
ZAPHOD
That's supposed to happen...I think.
Ford shrugs, throws his towel around his neck like a
scarf and dives through. Same thing. Bent, twisted...
(CONTINUED)
9 81.
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0 CONTINUED: (2) 90
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Hey, wait for me!
He runs after Ford, stops at the door, turns like he's
about to board Air Force one, gives a salute, jumps in.
Arthur finally gets his legs to move, steps up -- but
hesitates at the threshold, paralyzed with fear, unable
to take a step. Then -- FFSSSSH - the door seals shut.
ARTHUR
No. No! NOOO!!!
He bangs on the stone, slides his hand around like Zaphod
did, desperately looking for a way to open it. He
collapses and buries his head in his hands.
MARVIN
I told you this would all end in tears.
CUT TO:
91 EXT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT - MOMENTS LATER 91
Ford stands outside a stone doorway at the end of a
cobblestone street. Zaphod's body falls to the ground
next to him, untwists, unbends and snaps bolt upright
beside them.
Trillian is already heading down the street toward the
Temple. Ford and Zaphod hurry to catch up to her.
92 EXT. ROCK FORMATION - DAY 92
Arthur sits with his back against the stone, staring
across the field at the beautiful double sunset. He looks
over and sees THE TWO MICE FROM THE SHIP -- scurrying
toward one of the giant stone doors. They slip through a
crack beneath the stone. A FLASH OF LIGHT bursts through
the crack. Arthur barely reacts, so drained of emotion.
ARTHUR
Life is full of paradoxes, isn't it?
MARVIN
Don't talk to me about life.
ARTHUR
Here I am, God knows how far from home...
MARVIN
Don't talk to me about God.
ARTHUR
...and this is where I see the most
spectacular sunset I've ever laid eyes on.
We only had the one sun at home. Planet
called Earth.
(CONTINUED)
9 82.
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2 CONTINUED: 92
MARVIN
I know. You keep going on about it. It
sounds awful.
ARTHUR
Oh no, it's beautiful. Or at least, it
was...
MARVIN
Did it have oceans?
ARTHUR
Yes. Great wide rolling blue oceans.
MARVIN
Can't bear oceans.
Arthur looks up at Marvin.
ARTHUR
So this is how it will all end, then? Me,
on a dead planet -- with a manically
depressed robot.
MARVIN
You think you've got problems? What are
you supposed to do if you are a manically
depressed robot? No, don't bother to
answer that, I'm fifty thousand times more
intelligent than you and even I don't know
the answer. It gives me a headache just
trying to think down to your level.
SLARTIBARTFAST (0.S.)
Excuse me.
Arthur spins to see AN OLD, BEARDED MAN IN LONG ROBES.
ARTHUR
Aah!
He jumps, crab walks backwards away from the man.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Who are you?
SLARTIBARTFAST
My name is not important.
Arthur continues to scramble away from the man.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
You must come with me. Terrible events are
afoot. You must come or you'll be late.
ARTHUR
Late? What for?
SLARTIBARTFAST
What is your name, Earthman?
(CONTINUED)
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2 CONTINUED: (2) 92
ARTHUR
Dent. Arthur Dent.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Late as in "the late Dentarthurdent."
It's a sort of threat you see. Never been
much good at them myself, but I'm told
they can be terribly effective.
He motions to the stone that is marked "To Showroom."
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
Your friends are safe. You can trust me.
ARTHUR
Trust a man who won't tell me his name?
SLARTIBARTFAST
My name? Very well...
(heaves a sigh, reluctant)
My name is...Slartibartfast.
Arthur reacts with a furrowed brow.
SLARTIBARTFAST(CONT'D)
I said it wasn't important.
Slartibartfast motions to the door. He looks to Marvin.
MARVIN
I could calculate your chances of survival
-- but you won't like it.
Arthur rises, cautiously moves over to Slarti's side.
SLARTIBARTFAST
I must warn you. We are about to pass
through, well, a sort of gateway thing. It
may disturb you. It scares the willies out
of me.
He puts his hand on a certain spot in the stone and
presses. The stone dissolves revealing once again the
jet engine swirling vortex. Slarti motions -- after you.
Arthur takes a deep breath -- and steps in.
ARTHUR
Whaa!
He is bent, twisted and sucked away. Slarti follows.
Marvin stands for a moment, then looks up to...
92a THE SKY-- 92a
where the fleet of Vogon ships has now arrived.
MARVIN
Funny how just when you think life can't
possibly get any worse, it suddenly does.
CUT TO:
9 84.
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3 INT. VOGON DESTROYER SHIP, BRIDGE - NIGHT 93
Kwaltz sits in his chair as they press forward. The
GHOSTLY IMAGE of the recorded message appears.
GHOSTLY IMAGE
This is a recorded announcement as we're
all out at the moment. The Commercial
council of Magrathea thanks you for...
KWALTZ
Turn that off.
CUT TO:
94 INT. MAGRATHEA/PLANET SHOWROOM - DAY 94
Arthur is hunched over a litter bin, barfing.
SLARTIBARTFAST
I told you you might find it a bit
disturbing.
ARTHUR
I have found this whole day a bit
disturbing.
Arthur realizes he has his towel with him. He wipes his
mouth with it, dabs his brow. Then he notices...
...THE ROOM -- which is like a car dealer's showroom only
instead of cars there are models of various planets.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Did you know we built planets?
No. Arthur didn't know that. He looks perplexed.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
Fascinating trade. Doing the coastlines
was always my favorite. Used to have
endless fun doing all the little fiddly
bits round fjords. But the Galactic
economy collapsed, and seeing that custom-
built planets are something of a luxury
commodity...
(getting back on subject)
At any rate, there's been a terrible mix
up with your planet. You must come with me
or it's all going to blow up in our faces.
The best laid plans of mice, you know...
ARTHUR
...and men.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Mmmm? What?
ARTHUR
The best laid plans of mice and men.
(CONTINUED)
9 85.
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4 CONTINUED: 94
SLARTIBARTFAST
I don't think men have got much to do with
it.
Arthur looks confused. Slarti motions him to a door.
95 Arthur readies his towel at his mouth as Slarti hits a 95
button. The door slides open and nothing happens. It's
just a door that leads to a room where several TRANSPORT
CARTS move past -- like a kids ride at Disneyland. They
step into one. Slarti closes the little door. The cart
MOVES through a curtain, out into DEEP SPACE.
PULL BACK - till the cart is no more than a speck being
pushed forward by the longest telescoping arm in history.
96 INT. - PLANET FACTORY - NIGHT 96
The space is millions of miles across. Floating in it are
half-finished planets, construction gantries around them.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
Welcome to our factory floor.
ON ARTHUR -- who is positively blown away.
CUT TO:
97 INT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT -- CONTINUOUS 97
Ford, Zaphod and Trillian enter the dimly lit temple.
They hear a faint, tinny sound. They follow it.
FURTHER DOWN THE CORRIDOR...
The sound gets louder. Tinny music. And laughter...
Flickering light illuminates the end of the corridor.
ZAPHOD
This is it!
He quickens his pace. Trillian and Ford follow. They
round the corner to find...
DEEP THOUGHT -- sitting there majestically. The TINNY
MUSIC emanates from somewhere near him.
Zaphod takes another step in and now sees the source of
the TINNY MUSIC.
Deep Thought is watching TV. A violent, stupid cartoon.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Deep Thought...!
DEEP THOUGHT
Shhh. This is a good bit.
The cartoon continues. Zaphod enters, removes his
thinking cap and reverently approaches. He kneels...
(CONTINUED)
9 86.
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7 CONTINUED: 97
ZAPHOD
Oh great Deep Thought...we have traveled
long...and far.
Have you calculated... the Ultimate
Question? Of Life, the Universe and
Everything?
DEEP THOUGHT
No.
ZAPHQD
No?
DEEP THOUGHT
I've been watching TV.
ZAPHOD
Oh...
Zaphod holds a smile but his world is slowly crumbling.
DEEP THOUGHT
I designed another computer to perform
that great task.
ZAPHOD
Oh, right...I forgot.
(looking around)
Is it here?
DEEP THOUGHT
Not here. Another world.
ZAPHOD
It's on another world?
DEEP THOUGHT
It is another world. Or was.
ZAPHOD
Where?
DEEP THOUGHT
Ask your companion.
Zaphod turns to Ford. Ford looks confused.
DEEP THOUGHT (CONT'D)
Not him.
Zaphod looks to Trillian. She looks equally confused.
Zaphod puts the thinking cap back on. Strains hard.
ZAPHOD
0kay -- you're sure you don't have the
Question?
Or a way to you, you know -- access it or
something. I think I've done like a lot
to get here...
(CONTINUED)
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7 CONTINUED: (2) 97
DEEP THOUGHT
Shhhhhh...
Zaphod looks up. Deep Thought is shushing him?
DEEP THOUGHT (CONT'D)
The show's back on.
A robotic arm reaches out and turns up the volume.
Zaphod stands, turns to Ford and Trillian, smiles that
smile -- but it's starting to look a bit crazed.
ZAPHOD
Great. This is just great. Let's go find
something else for my entire life to be
about.
He starts to march off. Ford grabs his arm.
FORD
Zaphod. The gun? The one Humma sent us
for? We have to get it. You gave the guy
your head.
ZAPHOD
I know. Why did I do that?
He pulls his thinking cap down -- all the way over his
eyes. Ford rolls his eyes, turns...
FORD
Um...Deep Thought? We we're told you have
a g...
Before he finishes the sentence, a PANEL in the wall
slides open revealing a LARGE, SCARY LOOKING GUN. A
robotic arm pushes it forward.
Ford goes over, takes it, carries it like it's
nitroglycerin to Zaphod who's already walking away,
CORRIDOR LEADING AWAY FROM DEEP THOUGHT
Ford hands Zaphod the gun.
FORD (CONT'D)
Here. Take it. I don't do guns.
Zaphod takes it with a smile...
ZAPHOD
Thank you.
...and instantly points it at his head. Ford lunges for
it. There's a struggle. Ford's trying to get Zaphod's
finger off the trigger when CLICK! The trigger is
pulled. Ford winces. But apparently, nothing has
happened.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Great! This is a bust, too!
(CONTINUED)
9 88.
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7 CONTINUED: (3) 97
FORD
Hey, man, you must be really frustrated.
To go through all you did only to come
here and get no answer, which means no
fame and money, and you deserve that, man.
Because you're great -- you're just
really, really great.
Zaphod isn't sure what just happened. But he smiles
anyway. Trillian, however, is onto something.
TRILLIAN
Give me that thing.
BACK TO:
98 INT. MAGRATHEA. PLANET FACTORY. CONSTRUCTION PLATFORM 98
The transport cart moves past two half-finished planets
and on toward a 3rd planet. Construction gantries and
clouds obscure our view.
SLARTIBARTFAST
The galaxy was a bit of a shambles, you
see. Everyone enjoying themselves being
singers and comedians and really creative
and interesting things like that. No one
doing the boring jobs.
ARTHUR
Oh, you had that problem, too?
SLARTIBARTFAST
In spades. So a species was genetically
engineered to do the boring jobs. Tax
inspectors, traffic wardens, government
officials. We were commissioned to build
a special planet for them.
Problem was, some cleverdick made it so
any time one of the creatures had an
interesting idea it would get a hefty
smack around the face.
ARTHUR
What? You did that? I've been there!
The cart lowers down toward the surface of the planet.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Then I gather you've met some of the
inhabitants.
ARTHUR
The Vogons?
SLARTIBARTFAST
(shuddering)
Relentless blighters.
9 89.
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9a EXT. MAGRATHEA - DAY 99a
TWO MISSILES screech overhead and soar up toward...
THE VOGON SHIPS -- descending from space. The missiles
each hit a ship. They explode. Two more missiles fire,
taking out two more ships. But several ships do land.
Marvin watches from within the Stonehenge formation.
99 MARVIN 99
Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't
like it.
BACK TO:
100 INT. CORRIDOR/TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT - DAY 100
CLOSE ON ZAPHOD
ZAPHOD
...and you're right, I shouldn't be so
upset 'cause life goes on and I should
just go on with it, right?
PULL BACK TO REVEAL -- Ford is hesitantly aiming the gun
at Zaphod.
TRILLIAN
Shoot him again.
Ford reluctantly pulls the trigger. CLICK.
ZAPHOD
Hitchhiking is good. Towels are good,
too.
TRILLIAN
Brilliant.
FORD
Yeah. I kinda like this.
She take the gun from him.
TRILLIAN
A gun that makes people suddenly see
things from your point of view. Useful
tool for the deranged evangelist trying to
convert the masses, eh?
She starts walking.
TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
We should get back. Arthur's waiting.
ZAPHOD
Who cares?
TRILLIAN
(spinning on him; pointed)
I do -- especially since we're both
somewhat of an endangered species now.
(CONTINUED)
1 90.
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00 CONTINUED: 100
ZAPHOD
Why so edgy?
She can't believe he's asking this. She aims the gun,
CLICK!
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Of course you're edgy, your planet's been
blown up and you've been tooling around
the Galaxy with the guy who signed the
order
CLICK. She shoots him again.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
You actually wanted to know the Question
because you always thought there was more
to life, and now you're crushed because
you find out there really isn't.
She's getting angrier and more hurt. CLICK.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
You've got no home, no family, no one to
be with -- and you're stuck with me,
another in a long line of men who doesn't
appreciate you because he's too busy
appreciating himself.
Hearing this puts a lump in her throat, causes her eyes
to well with tears. She lowers the gun.
Zaphod shakes his head -- the effect wearing off. But he
realizes what he said and doesn't like it.
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Give me that thing.
He grabs the gun, points it at her.
TRILLIAN
Won't affect me. I'm already a woman.
Before he can react, A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINES BEHIND THEM.
They turn, shielding their eyes.
ZAPHOD
Uh oh -- oh. It's okay, it's only a
couple of...
FLASH! KEEEOOOW! They are engulfed in WHITE LIGHT.
BACK TO:
101 EXT. DEEP SPACE (FACTORY FLOOR) - CONTINUOUS 101
The transport cart continues toward the 3rd planet.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Here we are, then. Look familiar?
Arthur turns and looks. There before him is...
1 91.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03
O1a EARTH -- Arthur is thunderstruck...then confused. 101a
ARTHUR
So -- it wasn't destroyed?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Actually, it was. This is a back-up.
Earth Mark II.
ARTHUR
So you're saying you ... made the Earth?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Well, not me alone. It was a group
effort. I did my part, though. Ever heard
of a place, I think it's called Norway?
101b Arthur nods. The cart pushes through the clouds, towards 101b
Ayers Rock. A GUY ON A LADDER is painting it it's
familiar red color. Some of it is still primer grey.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
That was one of mine. Won an award you
know. Lovely crinkly edges. I was sorry
to hear about it being blown up. Shocking
cock up. The mice were furious.
ARTHUR
Mice? Who cares about bloody mice?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Are you a fan of plate tectonics?
Arthur looks up. Slartibartfast points down.
101c ANOTHER MAN pushes a button causing mountains to spring 101c
up noisily.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
Voila! Himalayas. Good, eh?
Arthur is working very hard to process all this.
101d JUMP CUT. They move through a forest where a man presses 101d
a lever making several MUSHROOMS pop up on the ground.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
Earthman, you must realize that the planet
you lived on was commissioned, paid for,
and run by mice. It was destroyed shortly
before the completion of the purpose for
which it was built. Ten minutes later, we
would have been free and clear. But we
gave them our standard ten million year
warranty and they have come here to
retrieve this back-up copy. And they've
brought you with them.
The transport cart flies out of forest toward the ocean.
(CONTINUED)
1 92.
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01d CONTINUED: 101d
ARTHUR
They brought...I'm sorry, when you say
"mice" do you mean the little white furry
creatures with the cheese fixation?
SLARTIBARTFAST
These creatures you call "mice" are merely
the protrusion into our dimension of hyper-
intelligent pan-dimensional beings. The
whole business with the cheese must've
been a front. They were experimenting on
you, you see. A vast computer program...
ARTHUR
Ah. I see where you're confused. You see
-- we were experimenting on them.
101e Over the ocean, a "Perfect Storm" wave rolls toward them. 101e
SLARTIBARTFAST
Oh, I gather they arranged for you to
conduct some primitively staged
experiments so they could prod your
thinking here and there. But you were
actually elements in the computer program.
They really are very clever hyper-
intelligent pan-dimensional beings.
(looking down)
Ah. They've nearly finished the oceans.
101f They move toward the white cliffs of Dover. A man stands 101f
on a cliff holding a giant hose, water spewing from it.
ARTHUR
So -- you're trying to tell me that mice
designed and built Deep Thought...and Deep
Thought designed the Earth...which was a
giant supercomputer...that you built...to
calculate the Ultimate Question. Only,
Vogons destroyed it ten minutes before the
program was completed?
SLARTIBARTFAST
That's bureaucracy for you.
ARTHUR
Actually, this explains a lot. All my
life I've had this strange feeling that
something was going on in the world,
something big, something sinister ...
SLARTIBARTFAST
That's just perfectly normal paranoia.
Everyone in the universe has that.
102 EXT. EARTH II. ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE - CONTINUOUS 102
A & S swoop down and soar over the English countryside --
partially constructed; tall tree stocks with branch and
leaves lying beside them, waiting to be attached. Men
rolling out sod like a giant carpet, etc.
(CONTINUED)
1 93.
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02 CONTINUED: 102
SLARTIBARTFAST
I don't know, perhaps I'm old and tired,
but I always think that the chances of
finding out what's really going on are so
absurdly remote that the only thing to do
is say hang the sense of it and keep
yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy
than right any day.
ARTHUR
And are you?
SLARTIBARTFAST
No. That's where it all falls down of
course.
(slowing the platform)
Here we are, then.
l03 The platform slows to a stop. Arthur steps out and is 103
stunned to see...
HIS HOUSE. It's partially constructed. The chimney lies
intact on the ground, waiting to be hoisted up. A row of
hedges lies on it's side beside a trench. But it's his
house alright.
ARTHUR
Is this...?
Slartibartfast nods. Arthur, in a daze, stumbles toward
the house.
103a INT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE/MARK 2 - CONTINUOUS 103a
Arthur enters his house. There is no furniture, no
photographs or books or any evidence of his existence
there. He feels the walls, the countertops. He's home?
TRILLIAN (O.S.)
Arthur!
Arthur pokes his head around a wall to find...
104 FORD, ZAPHOD AND TRILLIAN -- sitting at an elegantly set 104
table -- stuffing their faces with a meal fit for a king.
103a INT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE/MARK 2 - 103a
ARTHUR
What -- what are you doing? What happened
to you?
They talk while continuing to stuff food in their mouths.
FORD
Funniest thing. (chew, chew) Our hosts
attacked us with Dismodulating Anti Phase
Stun Mist (chew, chew) then brought us to
this amazing meal as a way to make it up
to us (chew, chew). Try the mutton. It's
fantastic.
(CONTINUED)
1 94.
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03a CONTINUED: 103a
ZAPHOD
(mouth full)
Zarking incredible.
They can't seem to stop eating, like they've been
drugged.
ARTHUR
Hosts attack you --? And then you sit
down for -- is that tea?
Arthur has spotted a TEA POT on the table. He hurries to
it, feels it. Warm. He pours a cup, takes a sip,
Closes his eyes, enjoying it.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Now that's a cup of tea.
FRANKY MOUSE (O.S.)
We're glad you like it, Earth creature.
He looks down and sees THE TWO WHITE MICE sitting on a
silver platter.
BENJY MOUSE
After ten million years on Earth, and a
rather large chunk of that time in
England, it would be utterly humiliating
if we didn't know how to make a decent pot
of tea.
Arthur stares in shock...can't speak.
TRILLIAN
Arthur, these are our hosts. Benjy mouse
and Franky mouse (chew, chew).
They control a large sector of the
Universe in our dimension (chew, chew).
I'm sorry, I thought you were told about
the mice...
ARTHUR
Yes. Yes, I was. I just wasn't quite
prepared for the full reality of it.
He steadies himself on the table.
BENJY MOUSE
Sit, Earthman. Eat.
Benjy pushes his hand through the air, the chair at the
end slides backward.
ARTHUR
In a moment, perhaps. I can't seem to let
go of this table.
Slartibartfast steps forward.
(CONTINUED)
1 95.
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03a CONTINUED: (2) 103a
SLARTIBARTFAST
Pardon the interruption, but I'll just be
getting back to work now.
BENJY MOUSE
That won't be necessary, Slartibartfast.
ZAPHOD
(cracking up, like he's stoned)
Smarty fart blast?
BENJY/FRANKY
Eat!
ZAPHOD
Right.
BENJY MOUSE
It looks like we won't be needing the new
Earth after all, now that we've found the
only living native of the planet.
SLARTIBARTFAST
But...they've nearly finished the oceans.
FRAHKY MOUSE
That will be all, Slartibartfast.
Slarti, slightly hurt, backs away out of sight.
ARTHUR
I'm sorry, when you say "the only living
native" -- do you mean me? What about
her?
Benjy holds up a strand of hairs, same color as Trillian's.
BENJY MOUSE
We performed some rudimentary DNA tests on
the ship. She's half-native. Her real
father was a Blahardid, the hyper-
intelligent yet carelessly nomadic race
native to the planet Olbed, who apparently
popped in to Earth for a one-nighter with
a one Ms. Francis McMillan.
TRILLIAN
(looking up, mouth full)
Which explains a lot.
She goes back to eating. Arthur is taking this all in.
ARTHUR
So -- mostly harmless and me. That's it.
BENJY MOUSE
We're sorry to have stage managed you so
shamelessly, but once we learned you were
the only full-blooded Earthling in the
universe, it was important that we get you
here by any means necessary.
(CONTINUED)
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03a CONTINUED: (3) 103a
FRANKY MOUSE
We've spent a considerable amount of time
on your planet trying to find this
wretched Ultimate Question, and the
thought of doing it all over again on
account of those idiotic Vogons sickens me
to no end. Which is why you're here.
BENJY MOUSE
Sit, Earthling. Sit.
Arthur goes to pull out the chair beside him.
BENJY/FRANKY
NOT THERE!
Arthur jumps. The others look up. Benjy and Franky
cover their outburst with a smile.
BENJY MOUSE
This chair is much more -- comfortable.
Benjy makes a motion. The chair he pushed out before
slides over behind Arthur's knees, making him sit.
BENJY MOUSE (CONT'D)
Drink.
He slides the cup of tea over. Arthur takes a sip.
ARTHUR
Mmmm. This really is delicious.
BENJY MOUSE
Good. Glad you like it. Now -- to
business.
Ford and Zaphod raise their glasses like drunken sailors.
FORD/ZAPHOD
To business!
Benjy and Franky fire them a look.
ZAPHOD
Sorry. Thought you were proposing a
toast.
BENJY/FRANKY
EAT!
Ford and Zaphod eat. Benjy turns to Arthur. Smiles. No
one notices, through the window, a row of Vogons cresting
the hill.
BENJY MOUSE
About this Ultimate Question. You see,
we've been offered a quite enormously fat
contract to do the 5D TV chat show and
lecture circuit, and quite frankly, we're
very much inclined to take it.
(CONTINUED)
1 97.
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03a CONTINUED: (4) 103a
FRANKY MOUSE
But - and here's the point - we have to
have product. Which means we still need
an ultimate question.
BENJY MOUSE
Or at least, one that sounds ultimate.
FRANKY HOUSE
Yes. Got to sound good.
ARTHUR
An Ultimate Question that sounds good...
From a couple of mice...for a chat show.
FRANKY MOUSE
And as it turns out, the chances are
astronomically high that the structure of
the question is encoded in your brain.
Which is why we need it. More tea?
Franky tries to pour more tea. Arthur stops drinking, a
little woozy. Did he hear them right?
ARTHUR
I'm sorry -- did you just say you need my
brain?
BENJY MOUSE
Yes. To extract the question.
ARTHUR
You can't have my brain. I'm using it.
FRANKY MOUSE
Barely.
BENJY MOUSE
We can replace it if you think it's
important. An electronic brain maybe.
FRANKY MOUSE
A simple one should suffice. Who would
know the difference?
ARTHUR
I would!
FRANKY MOUSE
No, you wouldn't. We could program you not
to.
Arthur tries to get up. Clamps spring up from the chair
and wrap around his arms. A dome flips over from the
back and slams down on his head. Arthur struggles.
ARTHUR
Ford! Zaphod! TRILLIAN!!
(CONTINUED)
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03a CONTINUED: (5) 103a
They're gorging on the food, half-lidded, out of it.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
What are they-- what's in the food?!
WHAT WAS IN THAT TEA!?
The platter the mice are standing on rises up, moves toward
Arthur, ominous surgical instruments spring from it.
BENJY MOUSE
Don't worry. You won't feel a thing.
The mice on the platter move ominously toward Arthur.
Arthur, still attached to the chair, backs away.
Scythes and rotating arms with circular saw blades shoot
out -- ominous surgical equipment to remove his brain.
ARTHUR
Wait a minute, JUST WAIT A SODDING
MINUTE!!
The scythes and arms stop spinning. Arthur stumbles
backwards and sits down in the chair. The others stop
eating and listen.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
You want the question that goes with the
answer "42" How about "What's six times
seven?" Or "How many Vogons does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?" Or here's one,
"How many roads must a man walk down?"
BENJY MOUSE
Hey, that's not bad.
Through the opposite window (in much the same way
bulldozers arrived in the opening) we see more Vogons
arriving.
ARTHUR
Fine. Take it. There's plenty more where
that came from because my head is filled,
with questions, and I can assure you mate,
no answer to any of them has ever brought
me one iota of happiness. Confusion? Yes.
Indecision? Loads. But happiness...?
He shakes his head.
BENJY MOUSE
We don't want to be happy. We want to be
rich.
FRANKY MOUSE
Take his brain.
(CONTINUED)
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03a CONTINUED: (6) 103a
Benjy steers the platter toward Arthur. He jerks his
arms up. They break free of the shackles and hit the
platter. The mice fly through the air and land on the
table -- right beside the POV gun. They scramble to
their feet.
BENJY MOUSE
Shoot him!!
They try to lift the POV gun but it's way too heavy.
Arthur, his butt still strapped in the chair, leaps over
to the table and grabs the first thing he sees -- a leg
of mutton. He raises it high. Benjy and Franky look up.
FRANKY MOUSE
Oh, shit.
Arthur brings the mutton down, squashing them flat.
The others instantly snap out of their food induced haze,
Zaphod suddenly clutches his gut.
ZAPHOD
Ohhhh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Arthur looks up and now he sees the Vogons marching down
the hill toward the house. He leans over the table,
bumping his teacup. IT SHATTERS TO THE GROUND.
105 ON THE HILL JUST BEYOND -- 105
An ARMY OF VOGON POLICE march over it. Amongst them...
MARVIN -- marches as well, a gun held to his head.
MARVIN
(to the Vogon)
I must warn you, I'm feeling very
depressed.
KWALTZ
Mr. President! We are here for your
protection!
Zaphod appears at the front door and waves Presidentially.
ZAPHOD
Thank you!
106 The Police open fire. Zaphod and the others flee as the 106
barrage of fire continues. Trillian drops the POV gun,
goes back for it. Arthur stops her and pulls her behind
the truck. Marvin catches a bullet in the back of his
head - sparks fly and he is thrown forwards! Is he dead?
BEHIND THE TRUCK --
FORD looks at MARVIN lying face down in the dirt - his
head emitting smoke.
(CONTINUED)
1 100.
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06 CONTINUED: 106
FORD
Okay -- that thing I said about not saving
my life because we're even? Scratch that.
Save at will.
TRILLIAN
We need that gun.
ZAPHOD
(campaign sound-byte)
We need tighter gun control!
FORD
We need his other head.
(an idea)
Okay -- I'll create a distraction.
He holds up his towel.
ARTHUR
(sarcastic)
Brilliant plan. I'm certain it will work.
FORD
(squinting at Arthur)
You know -- I think sometimes you say
things that mean something other than what
you're actually saying.
More gunfire erupts. Ford spins his towel until it's
twisted and taught. He leaps up and runs towards...
107 ...THE VOGON POLICE FORCE -- who see him coming, his 107
towel held like he's going to whip someone on the ass.
FORD (CONT'D)
AHHHHHHHH!!!!
The Vogons are so caught off guard, they back away.
TRILLIAN
Now!
108 She and Arthur both run out toward the gun. 108
ARTHUR TRILLIAN
I thought I was...what are I thought I was...I'll get
you... get back... okay it... you already... fine,
fine... fine
They each grab the gun just as Questular realizes...
QUESTULAR
It's a towel! It's only a TOWEL!! GET
HIM!!
The Police stop their retreat, raise their guns, move
forward. Ford skids to a stop and runs back toward
Arthur and Trillian, both clinging to the gun, running
back toward the truck. GUNFIRE ERUPTS. A and T TRIP.
The POV gun goes flying and lands in... MARVIN'S ARMS.
(CONTINUED)
1 101.
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08 CONTINUED: 108
The Vogon Police run in formation toward the gang. Ford
looks back, sees the Vogons approaching. He looks
forward, sees Marvin raising the gun.
FORD
Duck!
ZAPHOD
Where?
He looks to the skies just as Ford fans out his towel and
uses it to bring Z, A & T to the ground just as...
MARVIN FIRES THE POV GUN,
Questular ducks. CLICK. The entire Vogon Police force is
hit. They instantly stop. Their shoulders slump.
VOGON POLICE FORCE
(in unison)
Oh what's the point?
They turn their weapons on themselves and...
ANGLE ON FORD, ZAPHOD, ARTHUR AND TRILLIAN -- turning
their heads as we hear the weapons fire. They look up.
108a All the Vogon Police lie motionless on the ground 108a
including Kwaltz. Questular is the last man standing.
He marches toward them, patches of clump baldness on his
head. He drops to his knees.
QUESTULAR
Shoot me. Please Zaphod. Shoot me.
Zaphod takes the gun, fires it at Questular. He rises --
and paints on a big smile.
QUESTULAR (CONT'D}
What am I so pissed off about? I'm great?
I'm zarking incredible! Everyone loves
me! WHOOO HOOO!!! Look at me...etc.
Questular runs towards a lake/blow hole, takes off his
clothes and jumps in.
ZAPHOD
Marvin. You saved our lives.
MARVIN
I know. Wretched, isn't it?
QUESTULAR
(distant) Oh man! I love being me!!
They share a laugh. Arthur approaches Slartibartfast.
ARTHUR
Thank you.
(CONTINUED)
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08a CONTINUED: 108a
SLARTIBARTFAST
I've just been informed by some of the
lads that since we're so near completion,
we're going to go ahead and finish Earth.
We can put it back exactly the way it was
when you left, you know -- unless there's
anything you'd like to change. Something
you think your planet could do without?
Arthur thinks about it...looks around...slowly nods...
ARTHUR
Yes. Me.
He looks to Trillian who raises an eyebrow. Really?
She smiles.
TRILLIAN
Let's go somewhere.
ARTHUR
Yes, You name it. I'll go.
ZAPHOD
I'm going to Humma's. He has my head...I
think. Doesn't he? I'm so confused.
FORD
And I'm hungry. After we get your head
let's grab a bite. I know this great
restaurant at the end of the universe.
As they walk away, we CUT TO...
109 SLARTI'S FACTORY ELEVATOR -- where they all board. 109
SLARTIBARTFAST
Okay. Hold tight.
Everyone grabs the rail, except for Trillian who holds on
to Arthur. SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHVUMP! Up into the sky they go.
VOICE (O.S.)
Stand-by for commencement of life cycle.
All systems checked and cleared.
Commencing.
We hear KL-KLUNK. BZZZZZZZ... and watch nature burst
into life - animals run - flowers bloom - waterfalls
cascade - mountains rise in the mist - monkeys bathe in
hot springs etc. Set to a wonderful, uplifting piece of
music ("WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD?").
Tilt up to the sky. The day turns to night. Stars appear.
The Heart of Gold streaks through the stars.
THE END
