THE CHANGE-UP
Written by
Jon Lucas & Scott Moore
July 31, 2009
OPEN ON: PEACEFUL BLACK STILLNESS
Then we hear a baby SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then a second baby
joins in, even more shrill than the first. Finally, we hear
the worst two words a parent can ever hear:
GROGGY WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Your turn.
GROGGY MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Fuck.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- NIGHT
DAVE LOCKWOOD, 30, bleary-eyed father of three, shuffles
through his well-appointed suburban home, passing a
grandfather clock reading 3:45. He stumbles over a TOY
GIRAFFE -- it SQUEAKS, and Dave sleepily mumbles:
DAVE
Sorry Hank.
INT. NURSERY-- NIGHT
His eyes half-open, Dave changes the diaper of his very cute,
very insane nine month old daughter, SARAH, who screams and
pitches about her changing table.
DAVE
PLEASE DON'T--
Honey, that's not--
Maybe if you--
She snatches a tin of baby powder and swings it about like a
mace, knocking over the diaper caddy, the wipes, the lotion --
and dispersing a cloud of white powder all over the nursery.
Blinded and SNEEZING, Dave manages to stay on point and
change the diaper like Van Damme at the end of Bloodsport.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Can't-see ...must...persevere...
He finishes changing Sarah, places her back in her crib, then
picks up Sarah's twin brother, PETER, from his crib -- which
is good because he's been SLAMMING his head against the wall.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Come on, buddy, we've talked about
the head thing--
Dave places Peter on the changing table and opens his diaper.
It's only wet, and Dave, pleasantly relieved, reaches for a
fresh diaper...
2.
Only Sarah has knocked the caddy all the way down the
changing table...
Holding down Peter with his left hand, Dave fully extends,
leaning waaay over, reaching for the diaper caddy...
It's just out of reach.. .he somehow stretches further...
It's only when Dave glances back that he realizes that his
head is now perfectly lined up with his son's QUIVERING ANUS.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Oh no.
THE BABY'S BUTT-HOLE ERUPTS
with mustardy projectile stool, blasting Dave in the eyes,
nose and open mouth. Dave remains frozen, excrement dripping
down his face -- but, like a true dad, he does not let go of
his squirming child...
INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Dave staggers down the hall, his hair white with baby powder,
his face covered in poo, and a twin in each arm SCREAMING
into each of his ears.
He soldiers on, stoic, an unsung hero in his time...
INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Juggling the twins in his arms, Dave wipes his face off with
paper towels and prepares two baby bottles -- nipples,
filters, defrosted breastmilk -- while the babies take turns
kicking him in the balls and SCREAMING.
DAVE
Please, sweetheart, not my--
Honey, Daddy needs those--
INT. DEN -- NIGHT
Dave sits on his couch and positions the screaming, squirming
twins across his lap in an X pattern, plunks the bottles into
their mouths -- and instantly the twins settle down and slurp
away like perfect little angels.
Dave exhales. Whew. Then he reaches for the remote control
and turns on the TV. An old rerun of Magnum, P.I. is playing.
Dave watches, exhausted and expressionless.
3.
ON SCREEN, Tom Selleck, resplendent in mustache, corduroy
short shorts, and Hawaiian shirt, teaches a nubile CO-ED in a
scandalous bikini how to snorkel in beautiful sun-drenched
Waikiki. They're laughing and having a blast...
Dave watches, detached... Then his face starts to change...
MAGNUM, P.I.
Is this the life you always dreamed
of?
Dave shakes his head, no, despair in his eyes...
ON TV, the co-ed nods, yes, and hungrily kisses Magnum...
Dave watches on with genuine existential longing... and soon a
tear falls from his eye. And then another.
DAVE
Take me with you Magnum P. I...
Before long Dave is CRYING like a schoolgirl.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Please take me with you...
CUT TO:
MAN'S VOICE (V.0.)
How are the kids?
DAVE (V.0.)
Terrific! Just terrific.
We are now
INT. STEEL, KUHBACH, MCCLOUD -- LAW FIRM -- MORNING
Dave, in a conservative suit and clutching a massive coffee,
hurries down the hall with FLEMMING STEEL III, 50's, stiff,
humorless WASPY partner of this white shoe law firm.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Children are such a joy.
DAVE
Aren't they? Yes. Always.
(to passing SECRETARY)
Good morning, Rebecca.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Any word on the Amalgamated merger?
4.
DAVE
All but signed.
FLEMMING STEEL III
And just in time for your partner
review no less.
DAVE
(SMILING)
Really? I hadn't noticed.
FLEMMING STEEL III
I look forward to having your antic
sense of humor in the partners'
suite, Lockwood. It can get a touch
dry up there.
DAVE
Thank you, sir.
FLEMMING STEEL III
(re: Dave's necktie knot)
But a double windsor? Come on, son,
this isn't the dog track.
DAVE
No sir, absolutely not. So sorry.
Dave quickly undoes his tie as Flemming turns down a hallway.
SABRINA McARDLE, cute young paralegal, falls into step with
Dave, stymieing laughter.
SABRINA MCARDLE
Really? The dog track?
DAVE
Last week he told me my shoes were
"dangerously Italian."
SABRINA MCARDLE
(laughing, handing him docs)
Amalgamated signing statements.
DAVE
Thanks, Sabrina.
SABRINA MCARDLE
Have a good one...
She smiles and breezes back down the hallway. Dave stops and
watches her go, lust in his eyes.
5.
Then he hears TSK-TSK-TSK. He looks over at his mean old
secretary, GLADYS, 71, sitting at her desk.
GLADYS
For shame, Mr. Lockwood! For shame!
You are a married man!
DAVE
I have no idea what you're talking
about, Gladys...
Reddening, he snatches a huge pile of pink message slips and
hurries towards his office. She follows him, scolding:
GLADYS
With children.
DAVE
Yes, thank you, I almost forgot
about them for like two seconds...
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Dave enters his modest office; his phone is RINGING.
GLADYS
The only thing that harlot needs to
put in her mouth is a sandwich.
DAVE
Gladys, I'm a grown man, okay?
He angrily punches "SPEAKER" on his RINGING phone as he
reties his tie with a more traditional knot.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Lockwood.
A shrill, horribly impersonated British accent fills Dave's
office -- as well as all of the surrounding offices.
VOICE ON PHONE
YES, MY DOUCHEBAG EXPLODED THIS
MORNING AND I'D LIKE TO SUE--!
As Gladys and various CO-WORKERS turn, shocked, Dave quickly
fumbles for the receiver and takes the call off speaker.
DAVE
Jesus, Mitch, I'm at work--
6.
VOICE ON PHONE
WHO'S MITCH?! THIS IS MISS ELIZA
HAVERSHAM AND I AM THE VICTIM OF A
FAULTY BAG OF DOUCHE!
DAVE
Dude, how stoned are you?
INTERCUT WITH:
MITCH PLANKO, 30, shirtless, Dodgers hat backwards, sitting
on a futon in his sparse white apartment, smoking a bong
shaped like a shotgun. Beat. He drops the horrible accent:
MITCH
I'm pretty stoned.
DAVE
Come on, it's 10 in the morning.
MITCH
Dude, guess what? Great news.
DAVE
What?
MITCH
I found a futon on the street.
DAVE
That is great news.
MITCH
I sort of had to fight a bum for it
-- is that bad?
DAVE
Kind of. Is there a reason you're
calling or--?
MITCH
Are you gonna bitch out on tonight?
You are, aren't you.
Dave, half-listening, sits at his desk and answers emails.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Dodgers-Giants, dude! We haven't
missed one of these in like 20
years! Don't be a vajeen!
DAVE
Dude, I'm coming--
7.
MITCH
You always do this! You never make
time for your friends anymore and
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you
this, but people are starting to
talk. Feelings are getting hurt.
DAVE
Really? Whose feelings?
MITCH
Not mine, because, like a samurai,
I have trained myself to feel
nothing except revenge and honor,
but other people -- nameless,
other, more sensitive people -- are
hurt, and they think you need to
treasure your friendships a little
bit more.
(exhaling massive bong rip)
How concerned should I be that my
new futon smells like death?
DAVE
(distracted, typing)
Look, just, what time are you
picking me up tonight?
MITCH
If you bail I will rape you.
DAVE
Dude, I get it, I'm coming--
MITCH
In your eye. I will eye-rape you.
REPEATEDLY--
Just then there's a knock on Mitch's apartment door.
VOICE AT HIS DOOR (V.0.)
Mitch?
MITCH
Shit.
Mitch starts waving away the pot smoke.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Gotta go, pick you up at six--!
8.
STAY WITH MITCH as he quickly clicks off his iPhone, jams his
bong under the futon, opens the window, and tries to blow the
pot smoke out of his apartment with quick little PUFFS.
MITCH (CONT'D)
One sec, Dad!
The smoke clears and Mitch jogs to the door and opens it to
reveal his father, MITCH, SR., 60's, friendly, in a suit,
holding a pile of mail.
MITCH, SR.
Hey, buddy! Your mailbox was
spilling over.
MITCH
Oh thanks, I always forget.
They hug, and Mitch takes the mail and, without looking at
it, chucks it onto a HUGE PILE OF OLD MAIL in the corner.
MITCH, SR.
Were you smoking marijuana in here?
MITCH
No! Honestly, it's my new futon, it
smells like illegal drugs.
MITCH, SR.
We've talked about this, Mitch.
Smoke your grass on the balcony,
okay? It's just hard for me to tell
the other tenants they can't smoke
in their units when my own son is
blazing away in his, you know?
MITCH
You got it, Dad.
MITCH, SR.
Oh hey, I saw your commercial on
channel 9 again last night...
MITCH
Which one? "Give Gonorrhea The
Boot" or "Samir's Pet Shack Our Low
Low Prices Are Snake-sational?"
MITCH, SR.
Samir's Pet Shack. It's just a
shame you can't see your face in
that giant ape costume.
9.
MITCH
Actually, the real shame is that
Samir paid me in fucking organic
bird seed, but whatever...
He glares at several crates of BIRD SEED by the door.
MITCH, SR.
Well, your mother would've liked
it. She always loved animals...
(AWKWARD MOMENT)
Anyway. I was just in the
neighborhood, wanted to check in.
How you doing, cash-wise?
MITCH
I'm a little tight, actually, Pops.
Especially vis a vis, you know, the
whole bird seed situation.
MITCH, SR.
Five hundred?
MITCH
Can you make it a grand?
Mitch's dad smiles to hide his disappointment and hands his
30-year-old son a roll of hundred dollar bills.
MITCH, SR.
You thought any more about coming
to work for me?
MITCH
Yeeeah...I'm not really sure I'm a
"work" guy, you know what I mean?
Plus, I've been getting a ton of
auditions recently, so...
MITCH, SR.
Okay, well, my door is always open.
MITCH
Thanks, pop. Bones.
Mitch, Sr. smiles and awkwardly bumps his son's fist.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Batting cages next weekend?
MITCH, SR.
Great! See you then.
10.
Mitch, Sr. smiles sadly and exits. Mitch BURPS and reaches
for his bong, having noticed none of his father's distress...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BRENTWOOD -- EVENING
ESTABLISHING SHOTS of Dave's beautiful colonial home. Huge
oak trees shade the lush front lawn. New Audi and BMW station
wagons sit in the driveway. We hear WATER SPLASHING...
INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- EVENING
The twins sit in the bath, motionless, anticipatory...
DAVE (V.0.)
.AND THEN THE BABY-EATING MONSTER
EMERGES FROM THE DEEP RAAWWWWR.
Dave rises up from beside the tub, arms upraised, soap suds
covering his face! The twins SCREAM and SPLASH, ecstatic!
Dave tries not to laugh, but he's having too much fun...
Behind Dave, his sweet daughter CARA, 5, sits on the closed
toilet lid in a ballet tutu, reading her BUTTERFLY BOOK.
CARA
Daddy daddy, which is your favorite
butterfly, the Southern Monarch or
the Many-Spotted Skipperling?
Dave glances at the book as he washes the twins.
DAVE
Oh, I'm a Many-Spotted Skipperling
man all the way. The Southern
Monarch is just a glorified moth.
CARA
(VERY SERIOUS)
Yes. I tend to agree...
Dave smiles. Then his handsome wife JAMIE, 30's, blows into
the bathroom in a suit and starts removing her makeup.
JAMIE
What a day. Dr. Klein lost the
twins immunization record, the
wireless went down, and Cara got
bullied in ballet class again.
11.
CARA
Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me
over during the battement glisse.
DAVE
Oh, I'm sorry, sugar-bug...
Dave looks genuinely concerned. Cara just shrugs and keeps
reading her butterfly book. Jamie whispers to him:
JAMIE
We need to remind her to keep
striving for verbal resolution.
DAVE
Right, of course.
Jamie finally notices Dave's foam-covered face, and softens.
JAMIE
And how was your day, monster man?
Before Dave can answer, the doorbell rings, DING-DONG! They
exchange the weary smile of parents who never see each other.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
He's early.
DAVE
Of course he's early. All he does
all day is eat hummus and
masturbate.
CUT TO:
THE FRONT DOOR OPENING
to reveal MITCH in shades, fedora, and a Dodgers jersey.
Jamie, holding Cara, lets him in.
MITCH
Whatup bitches!
JAMIE
(LAUGHING)
Really?
He takes Cara and playfully -- and incredibly recklessly --
flips her in the air.
MITCH
How's my favorite ballerina?!
12.
CARA
I'm good! Are you coming to my
recital on Thursday?!
MITCH
Oh no, honey, the only style of
dancing I support is exotic...
He plunks her on the floor and blows into
DAVE'S AMAZING KITCHEN
replete with granite counter tops, built-in appliances, fresh
flowers, and bowls teeming with fruit. Mitch beelines for the
Subzero fridge and opens it: it's stocked. His eyes alight.
MITCH
Jesus Christ you could feed Africa
with this fridge...
As Jamie starts prepping a salad across the kitchen, Mitch
raids the fridge, packing his cargo pants with kid's snacks,
bagels, yogurts, juice boxes, everything.
MITCH (CONT'D)
These leftovers from Morton's?
JAMIE
Oh no, hon, those are super old--
Too late -- Mitch is already eating the very old steak.
MITCH
Chimichurri. score.
As Mitch chews, he eyes Jamie chopping vegetables.
MITCH (CONT'D)
You look hot by the way, Jame.
Jamie laughs but clearly doesn't mind the flirtation.
JAMIE
Thanks... sort of...?
MITCH
No really. I never would've guessed
twins.
JAMIE
Annnd that's probably enough--
13.
MITCH
Is Dave still meeting your needs
sexually?
Jamie just laughs, shaking her head, unbelievable.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Oh, did I tell you I ran into Miss
Hickam last week at Starbucks?
JAMIE
Our old kindergarten teacher?!
MITCH
Yeah. She always liked Dave better
than me...
JAMIE
Honey, everyone likes Dave better
than you.
MITCH
Fair enough. Anyway, I tried to get
her number, but she goes "I don't
date former students," so I go,
"great, do you fuck former
students?" and then she calls me a
"potty-mouth degenerate" and runs
out without her coffee. So I got a
free venti macchiato, which is cool-
DAVE (O.S.)
Bathed, changed and in their Pis.
Mitch turns to see Dave in khakis and a buttondown, entering
the kitchen with the freshly bathed twins. Mitch grins:
MITCH
Awww! Come to Uncle Mitch...
Dave hands the twins to Mitch, and they COO, impishly cute.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Oh my God, they smell like heaven
had sex with a dryer sheet.
(loudly to babies)
HI! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?! WHICH ONE
ARE YOU?!
(they just GURGLE)
Why can't they talk yet? Are they
retarded or something?
14.
JAMIE
(LAUGHING)
What?! No! They're fine!
MITCH
Really? The one on the left looks a
little downsy.
(JAMIE GASPS)
Kidding! Kidding.
(aside, to Dave)
A little bit though, right?
Ignoring him, Dave fastens the twins into their Bouncy Seats.
DAVE
I'll be back right after the game,
okay, Pumpkin?
JAMIE
Whenever. Have fun.
MITCH
See you, Jame!
JAMIE
Always a pleasure, Mitch.
Mitch steals THREE PEARS and some TULIPS as he exits...
CUT TO:
TWO BEERS POPPING OPEN
on the bottle cap-opener mounted on Mitch's dashboard...
INT. MITCH'S CAR -- EVENING
Mitch offers Dave one of (his own) beers as they speed along
in his Fiero. Dave is reluctant.
DAVE
Yeah, I'm good.
MITCH
Really? You're going to make me
drink alone?
DAVE
Yeah, well, you're driving, so...
Mitch shrugs and slides the spare beer into his chest pocket.
15.
MITCH
Oh, dude: great news.
DAVE
You found another futon?
MITCH
That's awesome, because I'm made of
emotional Teflon and words can't
hurt me anymore. No: I auditioned
for a major movie role yesterday.
DAVE
Nice. What movie?
MITCH
It's called Busted Dreams 4. It's
about a renegade coroner who reads
minds named Jake Action. It's like
a sexy Mentalist.
DAVE
Sounds cool.
MITCH
Yeah, I read for the part of Steve
Action, Jake's troubled younger
brother with a secret, and I
fucking killed it. I cried like
five times during the audition and
it's a fucking action movie. Plus
I'm the spitting image of the dude
who plays Jake Action, so...
DAVE
I hope you get it, man.
MITCH
Yeah, it could be my Raging Bull.
Plus I'd get to kill a lot of
women, which is cool.
(offering him a joint)
Hotbox?
DAVE
No, man, I got a big day tomorrow,
I can't get wasted tonight.
SMASH CUT TO:
TWO SHOT GLASSES SLAMMING DOWN
Mitch and Dave, shit-faced, shake off their shots, B-R-R-R.
16.
INT. BIG WANGS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT
The guys sit in this crowded sports bar, watching the Dodgers
game on a huge TV. When CLAYTON KERSHAW strikes out FRED
LEWIS to win the game, the guys drunkenly slap five:
DAVE
MITCH
DAVE
MITCH
Change-up -- fuck he's good!
DAVE
He's no Fernando.
MITCH
Of course not. Fernando is like The
Highlander. There can be only one.
DAVE
(toasting his beer)
TO FERNANDO!
MITCH
FER--FUCKING--NANDO!
They sloppily drink -- when Dave suddenly remembers:
DAVE
OH! So finish your story! The girl
calls you up...?
MITCH
Right! So she calls me up, it's
like 3 in the morning--
DAVE
What's her name?
MITCH
Tatiana.
DAVE
Incredible. What's her last name?
Mitch just looks at him.
17.
MITCH
Tatiana Calls-Me-At-3-In-The-
Morning-And-Wants-To-Fuck-stein,
what the fuck, who cares?
DAVE
Is she hot? She is, right? Oh my
God I already have a boner!
MITCH
(DISTURBED)
Maybe we should do this later...
DAVE
NO! Keep going! I need these
stories, man! They're all I have.
Mitch registers the desperation in his married friend's eyes.
MITCH
Okay, well, you're in luck, because
Tatiana is stupid fucking hot.
Beautiful face, legs a mile long,
perfect ass, blonde hair, and
huuuge boobs.
DAVE
Oh my God how big?
MITCH
Double E.
DAVE
Oh my God she sounds like Sabrina.
MITCH
Who's Sabrina?
DAVE
This hot paralegal in my office.
MITCH
Is she on your Cancer List?
DAVE
What's a Cancer List?
MITCH
Don't all married dudes have a
Cancer List? No? Like the first
three chicks you would bang if your
wife suddenly died of cancer?
18.
DAVE
That's sick, man. Jamie is the
mother of my children...
(DISGUSTED)
But yes, if I had a Cancer List,
Sabrina would be the first on it.
MITCH
Who's number two? Fergie--?
DAVE
Just finish your story, man! I'm
dying over here!
MITCH
Fine. So Tatiana's packing double
E's, which means like 20 plus
pounds of breastmeat -- yeah, it's
almost too much for one man to
handle. Thank God I'm the son of a
butcher and have strong hands and
wrists. Anyway, she walks in
wearing this tight black dress, and
you know what she says to me?
Dave shakes his head, on the edge of his bar stool.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Nothing. Because all Tatiana wants
to do at 3 in the morning is fucky
fucky rubber ducky!
Dave drunkenly slaps him ten, barely making hand-contact.
MITCH (CONT'D)
And look, I'm not one to kiss and
tell...
(downing another shot)
but this chick is insatiable. She
wants it in every position:
Missionary, wheelbarrow, Reverse
Wheelbarrow, Assassin--
DAVE
I don't even know what those are!
MITCH
No one does! It gets so intense
that my nose starts bleeding. Yeah,
so I'm bleeding all over this chick
and she's fucking digging it.
(MORE)
19.
MITCH (CONT'D)
It's like some weird Dracula Anne
Rice shit, and I'm fading in and
out of consciousness, and then,
when it's all over, she turns to me
and goes: "Tuesday night I'm coming
back and we're really going to
fuck."
Dave just stares at him, glassy-eyed, drunk, emotional.
DAVE
That is maybe the single greatest
story I've ever heard in my life.
MITCH
Ah, it's not always like that...
DAVE
I don't know why...I don't know why
I've always been in such a rush,
you know?
MITCH
WHAT
(BURRRRP)
do you mean?
DAVE
You remember me in high school, I
was always so focussed on getting
into a good college, then when I
got to college, I was so focussed
on getting into a good law school,
then in law school I was just
trying to land a job at a good
firm, then Jamie and I got married
and we had Cara right away-- I just
feel like and I missed out on all
the fun stuff, you know? The sex,
the drugs, the bad choices, and now
it's too late. I blew it. I pissed
away my 20's, and now I'm staring
down the barrel a seriously boring
life.
MITCH
Oh come on, Jamie is hot!
DAVE
No, I know--
MITCH
I really want to have sex with her!
20.
DAVE
Wait, what?
MITCH
And your kids are adorable! They're
like fun little puppies that talk!
The bill comes. Dave pulls out a wad of cash, throws it on
the table, and stumbles for the door. Mitch lifts one of
Dave's twenties off the table and follows him out...
EXT. SPORTSBAR -- CONTINUOUS
They stumble down the dark Hollywood street together...
DAVE
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids,
I do, I would take a bullet for
them, but...remember that heroin
addict you dated?
MITCH
Tara? Or Rena? Or Rachel?
DAVE
Jesus, how many heroin addicts have
you dated?
MITCH
It's a national scourge, dude.
DAVE
Anyway. Having kids is like dating
a heroin addict, only instead of
dating them, they move into your
house for 18 years. They're
laughing one second and crying the
next and then they're trying to
kill themselves in your bathroom
for no reason. They're mean and
selfish and they burn through all
your money and they steal your shit
and they break everything and they
stay up all night and they listen
to really shitty music and the
dirty secret is, no one actually
likes kids.
MITCH
Oh come on, you don't mean that--
21.
DAVE
No! It's true. Everyone pretends to
like kids because if you don't you
look like a huge dick. It's like
Drew Barrymore or jazz. No one
actually likes them, but if you say
that out loud, everybody hates you.
MITCH
Dude, I love Drew Barrymore -- have
you seen Boys on the Side?
They weave across a LARGE PLAZA, stumbling for Mitch's car.
DAVE
I'm just saying: don't fuck up your
life like I did, okay?
MITCH
What are you talking about? You've
got it all! You've got a huge house
full of food and furniture -- shit,
your TV is bigger than my car! You
have a great job, you make a shit-
ton of money, and people respect
you, man! My last job involved an
ape costume -- do you know what
that does to a man?
Dave waves him off, not really hearing him. But Mitch is
sincere, heartfelt:
MITCH (CONT'D)
Plus you've got a hot, extremely
fuckable wife who cooks and cleans
and takes care of all your needs!
It's like having a really hot mom
who you can also have sex with!
DAVE
Wait, what--?
MITCH
Also you're never lonely, you
always have someone to talk to
about your day, plus you get to do
all the fun gay couple stuff like
go to wine country! You think
single guys can go to wine
country?! No way! They won't even
let us in! You're living the dream,
dude! What more do you want?!
22.
DAVE
Tatiana! I want Tatiana! I want sex
with strange new women and maybe
also with Sabrina if she's single
and I want to wake up at noon and
smoke weed all afternoon and I want
to not think about the needs of
four other people 24 hours a day
and I want to start reading a novel
and actually finish it and I want
to take a solid shit because I'm
not constantly stressed out and I
want to learn how to rollerblade
and also I really want to pee...
MITCH
Yeah, me too...
They look around the plaza, and their eyes land on the HUGE
FOUNTAIN in the middle; a GREEK GODDESS sits atop it.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Fountain?
DAVE
Bingo.
They stumble over to the fountain, unzip their pants, and,
leaning on each other, begin peeing into it. Mitch glances up
at the GREEK GODDESS METIS. She scowls down at them.
MITCH
This chick does not look happy.
DAVE
Maybe she has three kids and a job
she hates.
MITCH
Dude, enough already.
DAVE
I'm just saying...I envy your life.
MITCH
And that's what's so fucked,
because I envy yours.
DAVE
Yeah you don't--
MITCH
I do!
23.
DAVE
No, I do--!
MITCH DAVE
I wish I had your life! I wish I had your life!
They're about to say "jinx" when--
BOOM!
A thunder clap CRASHES and
ALL OVER LOS ANGELES
the electrical grid starts shutting down, neighborhood by
neighborhood! Soon the entire city is PITCH BLACK...
BACK IN THE DARKENED PLAZA
Dave and Mitch freeze, terrified, hugging. . .and peeing...
MITCH
Ummmmm...?
Then all the lights in the city flicker back to life...
DAVE
R-Rolling blackout?
MITCH
I guess...?
They continue peeing, a little freaked out.
DAVE
You really have nice flow by the
way. Very thick and confident.
MITCH
Thank you. Yours is very steamy.
DAVE
Thank you. My urologist says I run
a little warm.
Eventually they both finish, tuck in, and zip up. Beat.
DAVE (CONT'D)
You good to drive?
MITCH
Now I am.
24.
As they stumble off towards Mitch's Fiero, HOLD ON the statue
of Metis, the shape-shifting Greek Goddess of Wisdom...
It almost looks like she's smiling...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DAVE'S BEDROOM -- MORNING
It's a beautiful sunny Los Angeles morning. The silhouette of
a body lies in Dave's bed, SNORING away. Then we hear
THE TWINS CRYING
followed by what is unequivocally Mitch's patter -- and his
FAMILY-FRIENDLY LANGUAGE:
MITCH
Whose fucking baby is that...?
A hand emerges and fumbles on the night stand.
MITCH (CONT'D)
And where the fuck is my bong?
He groggily rises from the sheets -- only it's not Mitch.
It's Dave. His body, his face, everything.
Yup, you got it: the single auy and the married guy have
switched bodies. We will refer to them by their "brain
names," thus while this hungover dude definitely looks like
Dave, inside he's Mitch, so that's what we'll call him. The
actors, of course, will remain in their bodies.
Mitch doesn't know any of this yet.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Why are there so many fucking
pillows...?
He rolls over to see Jamie, sitting up in bed, pulling her
breasts out of her tank top, getting ready to nurse the
twins. Mitch launches out of bed, suddenly very awake.
MITCH (CONT'D)
WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK, JAME?!
She starts breast-feeding the babies, confused.
JAMIE
What? What's your problem?
Mitch shields his eyes with his hands, shocked and disgusted.
25.
MITCH
Oh my god that is so gross! Put
your tits away! This isn't Europe!
JAMIE
What are you talking about?
Mitch finally notices he's in DAVE'S BEDROOM...
MITCH
Wait: why am I in...? Did I sleep
here last night?!
JAMIE
Um, yeah?
MITCH
Did we...?!
Panicked, he thrusts his fist like, have sex?!
JAMIE
Are you insane?
MITCH
So why the hell did I wake up in
your bed?!
JAMIE
Are you still drunk?
MITCH
Look, just, where's Dave?!
JAMIE
What?
MITCH
Where's fucking Dave?!
JAMIE
Dave is right here! You're Dave!
He turns and sees himself in the mirror. Freezes. He is Dave.
MITCH
Oh my God... Oh my God...
He slowly touches his new face...
26.
MITCH (CONT'D)
I'm a fucking tool.
CUT TO:
INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
A body lies sprawled on Mitch's futon, out cold. INSANE
POUNDING on the door shatters the silence.
MITCH (O.S.)
OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR IMMEDIATELY!
The body sits up, groggy and confused -- it is, of course,
Dave in Mitch's body. While he looks like Mitch, he moves,
talks, and even shuffles to the door exactly like Dave...
DAVE
Mitch...?
MITCH (O.S.)
Fucking open the fucking door!
Dave stops, noticing that he's in Mitch's empty apartment.
DAVE
Why am I in your sad apartment--
MITCH (O.S.)
The door, dude! Open the door!
DAVE
Fine, Jesus, relax--
Dave opens the door to see himself standing there.
DAVE (CONT'D)
What the fuck is this...?
Dave backpedals, terrified, as Mitch blows inside, furious.
MITCH
I knew it!
DAVE
(FREAKING OUT)
Who the hell are you?! And why do
you look like me?!
Mitch angles Dave over to the mirror on the otherwise barren
wall-and Dave sees he's in Mitch's body... Stunned, he
slowly touches his new face... his new hair. . .his new body...
27.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Oh my God...
MITCH
I know, dude.
DAVE
I'm a fucking loser...
MITCH
Wait, what?
Dave spins, completely awake now:
DAVE
How the fuck did this happen?!
MITCH
How should I know?! Has this ever
happened to you before?!
DAVE
What, switching bodies with another
human being?! Oh yeah, this shit
happens to me like twice a week!
MITCH
Well...I don't want to be you!
DAVE
Oh, you don't want to be me?! No,
no, no: I don't want to be you!
MITCH
What's that supposed to mean?!
DAVE
Look, let's just.. .think. How could
this have possibly happened...?
They pace about the apartment, trying to think... Then:
MITCH
Bingo. Got it. We're dreaming.
Dave grabs Mitch's nipple and twists it hard.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Ow ow ow, fuck!
DAVE
Not dreaming.
28.
MITCH
First of all, you're a penis.
Second of all--
DAVE
Wait, what'd you just say?
MITCH
I called you a penis and--
DAVE
(running out the door)
Come on!
CUT TO:
INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- MORNING
Dave speeds through morning traffic in his Audi station
wagon, leaning on the HORN. Mitch sits shotgun, confused.
DAVE
Remember last night when we peed
into that fountain?! As we peed, we
wished we had each other's lives!
MITCH
(REMEMBERING)
Oh fuck.
DAVE
Our wishes must've... somehow... come
true.
MITCH
I thought wishes came true when you
threw a coin into a fountain...
DAVE
Well apparently urine works too.
MITCH
That's bullshit! I would've wished
for something way cooler!
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD -- MORNING
Unable to find a parking spot, Mitch and Dave double-park on
Hollywood Boulevard, hop out, and sprint for the plaza...
MITCH
What are we gonna do when we get to
the fountain?!
29.
DAVE
We're gonna hug each other and pee
into the fountain and wish our
lives back!
MITCH
That might sound really gay!
Both men race around the corner onto the plaza and stop cold:
THE FOUNTAIN IS GONE
A DEPARTMENT OF PARKS CREW is cleaning up the site where it
once sat. Mitch and Dave are blown away.
DAVE
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
They hurry up to the crew FOREMAN.
MITCH
Excuse me! Where is the fountain?!
FOREMAN
It's getting restored.
DAVE
Where did you take it?!
FOREMAN
I don't know, chief, I'm not the
fountain spokesman, I'm just the
guy that fills the fucking hole.
DAVE
Who could tell us where it is?!
FOREMAN
Maybe the district manager?
CUT TO:
A DESK PLACARD READING "DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON"
District Manager CARLA NELSON sits behind her desk in her
bland office, her face the model of bureaucratic ennui.
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
It's not in the computer.
Opposite her, Dave and Mitch pull their hair out, insane.
30.
MITCH
Well of course it's not--!
DAVE
When will it be in the computer?!
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
You could try calling tomorrow.
DAVE
Tomorrow?! We can't wait until
tomorrow, Carla!
MITCH
How can you lose a fountain?.
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
(beat, deadpan)
It's not in the computer.
Mitch LUNGES for Carla, but Dave grabs him and wrestles him
out of the office.
MITCH
YOU ARE EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG
WITH THE WORLD--!
DAVE
We'll call you tomorrow! Thank you!
EXT. DEPARTMENT OF PARKS BUILDING -- DAY
Dave and Mitch exit the Department of Parks building and pace
on the sunny sidewalk, their hands on their heads, stunned.
MITCH
This is so fucked...
DAVE
We should just go home and lock the
DOORS AND--
Mitch's phone rings in Dave's pocket. Dave hesitates, then
answers it, fruitlessly trying to sound like Mitch:
DAVE (CONT'D)
This is fucking Mitch?
MITCH
I don't talk like that, dude--
DAVE
Okay ...Okay...Great...Thank you.
31.
Dave clicks off.
MITCH
Who was that?
DAVE
Marty Green, the producer of Busted
Dreams 4. Apparently the guy they
cast for Steve Action OD'd last
night, and the back-up actor got
deported, so, alphabetically,
you're the next actor on the list.
You got the part, man.
Mitch covers his mouth like he just won American Idol.
MITCH
Oh my God! Oh my God! Dreams really
do come true--!
(REALIZING)
Wait, no, this sucks! I'm stuck in
your fat dad-body! I can't play
Steve Action looking like this!
DAVE
(remembering, stunned)
Oh my God: and I've got my closing
today.
MITCH
What, is that like a big deal?
DAVE
A big--?! Yeah! Whether or not I
make partner is riding on this!
MITCH
So what the hell are we gonna do?
PANICKED SILENCE. Then Mitch looks at Dave...
DAVE
No. No. We can't just be each other
for a day, Mitch! You have no idea
how to be a lawyer!
MITCH
Dude, I'm an actor, a human
chameleon, I can do lawyer in my
fucking sleep! It's you I'm worried
about: you can't act for shit!
32.
DAVE
First of all, it's Busted Dreams 4,
okay? It's not The Reader. Second
of all, I'm a WASP, I've spent my
entire life acting happy and no one
has ever questioned my performance,
okay?!
They look at each other, cooling off a bit...
DAVE (CONT'D)
Are...Are we actually considering
doing this...?
MITCH
I mean, we have to...right?
Both men look highly anxious. Dave glances at the time.
DAVE
All right, well, my meeting starts
in 45 minutes. You need to race
home, get dressed, then go to my
office and find my secretary Gladys-
MITCH
She sounds hot, is she hot?
DAVE
No. Get the merger docs from Gladys
and take them to the conference
room. All the partners will be
there so do not speak to anyone.
MITCH
Really? Because I can vamp--
DAVE
NO! No vamping! And once the
meeting starts, you will continue
to say nothing. When a partner asks
you for the merger documents, you
will silently hand them over, okay?
MITCH
Dude, I get it. Play it big, but
maintain my reality--
33.
DAVE
No! Play it small. Really small.
I've spent the last nine months
banging out the terms of this deal,
all you have to do is hand over the
documents. That's it.
MITCH
Dude, that's easy as fuck. Okay,
for me, go home, put on some cool
clothes, and get to set -- all the
info is on my phone. Once you're
there, go to Hair & Makeup and
memorize your lines and try not to
be a total douche to everyone,
okay? This is the film industry.
Everyone is really cool.
They look at each other, very doubtful that this will work...
MITCH (CONT'D)
I'm trusting you, dude...
DAVE
I'm trusting you, too...
MITCH
Power hug.
They hug tight then release.
DAVE
Oh hey, you also need to pick up
Cara from ballet at 4, okay?
MITCH
(heads for the car)
I'm so fucking all over that shit.
Off of Dave's deeply unsettled look, we
CUT TO:
INT. STEEL, KUHBACH, MCCLOUD -- LAW FIRM -- MORNING
Mitch blows into Dave's stodgy law firm looking like a lawyer
-- from a Ralph Lauren ad: he sports a pink buttondown, red
suspenders, a blue crested blazer, khakis, no socks, black
and white wingtips, and slicked-back hair.
He also affects a preposterous patrician accent like John
Kerry or any white guy on a black sitcom.
34.
MITCH
GOOD MORNING, ONE AND ALL! WHAT A
FABULOUS DAY TO BE A CORPORATE
ATTORNEY!
His co-workers look at him like he's fucking nuts. Falling
into step with him is Gladys, his mean old secretary.
GLADYS
What in God's name are you wearing?
MITCH
Holy dick, are you Gladys? You're a
lynx.
GLADYS
W-What is a lynx?
MITCH
A white-haired cougar. You really
should dress sexier, though. The
whole angry prison nurse thing is a
huge mistake.
Gladys GASPS and jams some documents into his hands.
GLADYS
Here are your merger documents!
Good day to you!
She storms off. Mitch calls after her:
MITCH
Hey, where's my meeting at?
She angrily points at a conference room as she stalks off.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
The conference room is full of EXECUTIVES from KINKABE
TECHNOLOGIES and AMALGAMATED INDUSTRIES, as well as several
well-heeled LAWYERS. They chat amiably until
MITCH ENTERS
in his ridiculous outfit. The room goes silent, but Mitch's
confidence remains sky-high:
MITCH
What up, white people?! Republican
Party in the house, am I right?!
Come on, let's get started!
35.
Everyone looks a bit confused by this Nobody telling them
what to do, but nonetheless, they begin taking their seats.
Mitch goes around, introducing himself.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Dave Lockwood, thanks for coming!
Dave Lockwood, I did all the work!
Dave Lockwood-san, konichi-wa!
(to the room)
Anyone need anything? Mimosa, spicy
tuna roll? No? We're good? All
right, guys, take it away!
Mitch takes one of the last open seats -- at the head of the
conference table. It's clearly in his boss's seat. Flemming
Steel III hovers awkwardly.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Yes, well, thank you, Dave...?
(clearing his throat)
We are gathered here today to
codify the marriage of two bold
industry leaders, Kinkabe
Technologies and Amalgamated
Industries.
Mitch starts APPLAUDING. Others.. .hesitantly. . . join in.
MITCH
Fuck yeah! Amalgamated Industries!
Finally, even Flemming claps as well, uncomfortable.
FLEMMING STEEL III
B-Before we sign on the proverbial
bottom line, are there any
outstanding questions or concerns
that we might address? Ask now or
forever hold your peace...
Pleasant CHUCKLES in the room. Then the Japanese-American CEO
of Kinkabe Technologies, KEN KINKABE, 60's, raises his hand.
CEO KEN KINKABE
We just wanted to make sure that
THE DEBT-TO-PROJECTED-AMORTIZATION
ratios haven't changed given the
recent market fluctuations.
Everyone turns to Mitch. Who's not listening. He's drawing
pictures of boobs on a yellow legal pad.
36.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Dave?
Mitch looks up, sees everyone looking at him.
MITCH
Right, my bad--
Thinking that's his cue, he slides Flemming the documents.
FLEMMING STEEL III
No, Dave. Mr. Kinkabe had a
question about the DPA ratios.
Deer in headlights.
MITCH
Okay?
FLEMMING STEEL III
Well? How are they?
MITCH
G-Good?
FLEMMING STEEL III
Good?
MITCH
Bad? Bad! They're fucking terrible.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Dave!
MITCH
Look, everything's cool, let's just
sign this fucking thing and go
party! We're all rich, who cares?!
Mr. Kinkabe angrily jabs his finger at the incredibly short
CEO of Amalgamated Industries, TED NORTON, 60's.
CEO KEN KINKABE
I knew it! You were never serious
about this merger!
CEO TED NORTON
Spare me, Ken, you were just trying
to inflate your share price!
CEO KEN KINKABE
This merger is over! I will see you
in court!
37.
CEO TED NORTON
Not if we see you first, you prick!
The execs furiously race out of the conference room, all of
them reaching for their cell phones. War has been declared.
The lawyers hurry after the clients, fruitlessly trying to
coax them back to the table.
Mitch frowns, oo, and tiptoes for the exit.. .until Flemming
Steel III grabs his arm, furious.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Right now you need to give me one
reason not to fire you.
Mitch stammers, oh shit.
MITCH
Relax, dude ... this-this is all
part of my master plan.
FLEMMING STEEL III
It is.
MITCH
Yes! Check it out: if we drag this
out...we make more money, right?
Don't we? Of course we do! And then
we can bill the fuck out of them!
Some of them don't even speak-ah
the engrish so goo, you know what
I'm saying?
FLEMMING STEEL III
That's your plan.
MITCH
Yes...? Is it...? It's not a very
good plan, is it.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Son, what you've just said to me is
highly illegal. You could go to
jail for a very long time just for
suggesting it...
MITCH
(SWEATING)
We're lawyers! We're above the law!
38.
FLEMMING STEEL III
I must say, I've never seen this
side of you before, Lockwood. I
always thought you were on the
straight and narrow...
MITCH
Fuck that, ese. I'm straight up
gangster all the way through.
Flemming eyes him, determining his fate. Mitch can't breathe.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Fine, I'll roll the dice with you
But if word of this gets out, I
will throw you under the bus so
darn fast you won't know what hit
you. Now go put on some proper
clothes. You look like Joe Pesci.
Flemming Steel III hurries off. Mitch exhales, holy shit...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. VAN NUYS -- RANCH HOUSE -- DAY
Dave nervously pulls up to a RANCH HOUSE in the Fiero,
reading the address off his iPhone. Several crew trucks are
parked out front, and PA's with headsets loiter about.
Dave gets out wearing an ironed buttondown shirt tucked into
khakis. He self-consciously untucks half his shirt, trying to
look "cooler," as he approaches a nearby P.A.
DAVE
Yo, Mitch Planko is here. Where the
fuck is Hair & Makeup?
P.A.
(POINTING)
Um, trailer 3.. ?
DAVE
That's so real.
Dave stiffly walks off as the P.A. eyes him, weirded out.
INT. HAIR & MAKEUP TRAILER -- DAY
Dave, now in leather pants, the top four buttons of his shirt
undone, sits in the makeup chair, getting his hair styled. He
studies the script, confused. Then a P.A. hurries in.
39.
P.A.
I'm here to take you to set. Is
there anything I can get you?
Vitamin water, Pelegrino?
DAVE
No thanks. Hey, what does it mean
when it says T.S., or B.T.S.?
P.A.
Titty Shot and Bouncing Titty Shot.
(TO HEADSET)
Steve Action is coming to set.
Dave, alarmed, follows the P.A. out and
THROUGH THE LOW BUDGET SET
They've taken over this valley ranch house; cables, lights
and sound equipment run everywhere.
DAVE
Wait! W-what kind of movie is
this?!
P.A.
It's a lorno.
DAVE
I-I'm not familiar with that genre.
P.A.
Lorno? Light porno? Tits & shadows?
You ever hear of Skinemax?
DAVE
Oh no.
They arrive in
AN ORNATE BEDROOM
bedecked with cameras, grip equipment -- and thousands of lit
candles. The P.A. unbuttons Dave's shirt even further and
starts smearing his chest and face with Crisco oil.
Just then, the fat balding director, VALTAN -- just Valtan --
from some ethnically cleansed Balkan state, 50's, blows in.
VALTAN
More oil! Make him shiny like fish!
40.
DAVE
Excuse me, are you in charge here?
I think there's been some sort of
MISTAKE--
VALTAN
Mona! Where Mona?!
And then MONA -- aging actress with fake boobs -- teeters in
wearing a flimsy nightgown and six inch heels.
MONA
I'm here!
VALTAN
Okay guys, here scene: Mitch, you
enter with gun -- where gun?!
A P.A. runs in with a huge MACHINE GUN WITH ROCKET LAUNCHER
ATTACHMENT and gives it to Dave, who takes it limply...
VALTAN (CONT'D)
Guard try to stop you, line-line-
line, knock him the fuck out, you
see Mona asleep in bed, you wake
her up and start fuck time, okay?
Dave stammers, his head spinning.
MONA
What's my motivation?
VALTAN
Your motivation? Your motivation is
show big tit to business traveler
in hotel room too scared to order
real porno, okay?
(blocking the scene)
Okay, here shot list: start makeout
here, nightgown fall, close-up of
titty, candles burning, bouncing
titty close-up, moaning, fake sex-
in-mouth obscured by hair, more
candle, fake backdoor sex obscured
by blowing curtain, more candle,
her buttock, his buttock, wind blow
out candle and finito, okay?
MONA
It's like a poem.
41.
VALTAN
I know, baby, I crush this shit big
time. Let's lock it up!
P. A.
Locking it up!
As the crew bustle about, Mona turns to a shell-shocked Dave.
MONA
You wanna bump?
Mona snorts a fingernail of coke into her nose.
DAVE
A bump--? Of drugs?
MONA
You're cute. But if you try to
actually fuck me I'll set your dick
on fire with one of these fucking
candles, y'understand me?
DAVE
Is this actually happening?
MONA
Pound away on my upper thigh all
you want, that's what it's there
for, okay? And no, you can't pay me
to give you a real BJ, I don't do
that shit anymore.
Dave's mouth opens, but nothing comes out. A P.A. guides him
out of the room. He's still in a trance...
VALTAN
ANNNND ACTION:
Dave stands there, frozen. Behind the camera, Valtan
gestures, go! Dave stumbles into the bedroom, holding the
huge machine gun like, well, like a corporate lawyer.
A BLOW-DRIED GOON appears with a gun.
BLOW-DRIED GOON
No entry!
Dave looks around at the bright lights, the camera, the crew
watching him -- and he freezes up. The goon tries again:
BLOWDRIED GOON
I said: No entry!
42.
Then Dave sees a P.A. waving at him, holding up a huge board
with his lines written on them. Shielding his eyes from the
lights, Dave reads his lines, monotone:
DAVE
If you let me don't in...don't let
me in...If you don't let me in,
Paco, I will fuck you dead. That
doesn't sound right. If you don't
let me Taco-- is his name Paco or
Taco? Your penmanship is illegible--
VALTAN
Fuck it, we fix in post! Just knock
out guard, wake up girl, and make
fuck time! Keep rolling!
P.A.
Still rolling!
Dave very effeminately "karate chops" the goon in the neck
once, and the guy dramatically throws himself against the
wall and drops, unconscious. Then Dave crosses and pretends
to suddenly see Mona in the bed. His acting is atrocious.
DAVE
Oh my goodness it is Lola my long
lost lover Lola who...I love. Her.
VALTAN
More sexy! Too stiff! Annnd Mona
wake up, surprised!
Mona, not much of a better actor than Dave, wakes up -- and
SCREAMS deafeningly, like some 1950's horror queen.
DAVE
(COVERING EARS)
HOLY SHIT--
MONA
Steve Action?! You perfect bastard!
VALTAN
And now kiss her like savage!
Dave, totally grossed out by her, very reluctantly leans in
for the kiss. Just before their lips meet, he pulls away.
DAVE
I'm sorry! I can't!
43.
VALTAN
CUT! CUT.
(BEYOND PISSED)
What the fuck, man?! She ready for
first class trip to fuck town!
DAVE
Look, I can't, I'm married.
VALTAN
No no no, Steve Action throw wife
off cliff in last scene.
DAVE
No, I mean, me, in real life. I'm
married.
VALTAN
So am I! Mona my wife! Yeah, how
stupid is that shit, man?! Now go
fake-fuck my wife before owners of
house come back from ski vacation
to find film crew in master
bedroom!
Dave just stands there, hopelessly out of place...
MATCH CUT TO:
MITCH LOOKING EQUALLY OUT OF PLACE
standing in the back of an auditorium as on stage, two dozen
5 year old GIRLS in tutus prance about, rehearsing a ballet.
The teacher, MRS. KLEINMAN, fruitlessly tries to direct them.
CAMERA FINDS CARA onstage, twirling around -- until a bigger
girl, NICOLETTE PETERS, knocks her over. Mrs. Kleinman turns
to see Cara splayed out on the ground, trying not to cry.
BALLET TEACHER
Oh Cara, do try to stay on your
toes! Let's start again...
In the audience, Mitch straightens: what was that...?
INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- DAY
Mitch drives Cara home from ballet. She sits shotgun in her
tutu, looking small and sad.
CARA
Shouldn't I be sitting in my
carseat?
44.
MITCH
Whatever, you're fine -- hey,
what's up with that little blonde
bitch who knocked you over?
She looks a little surprised by her dad's language.
CARA
That's Nicolette Peters. She does
that a lot, actually...
MITCH
So why don't you fight back?
CARA
Um, because you told me not to? You
said I should strive for verbal
resolution.
MITCH
Fuck verbal resolution! Put that
whore on her back and shank her! Do
you know how to make a shiv?
CARA
What?
Mitch lights a cigarette with the car lighter.
MITCH
Listen to me, kid: the world is a
cesspool of cruelty and violence.
If someone comes at you with a
knife, you gotta put their entire
fucking family in the morgue, okay?
That's called jailyard justice.
Because if you don't come back hard
on a bitch, your ass is gonna get
sold for a pack of Camel Lights and
a jello cup, y'understand? Always
solve your problems with violence.
Always.
Cara nods, alarmed.
CARA
O-Okay Daddy...?
CUT TO:
DAVE LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA
He's sitting at a booth in a bar, highly traumatized.
45.
DAVE
I dry-humped a stranger's leg for
three hours today...
Sitting opposite him, Mitch downs a shot, exhausted.
MITCH
Cry me a river, dude: I dealt with
ballet and your ass-hat boss today.
DAVE
Oh no -- what happened at work?
MITCH
Nothing! Nothing.
(off Dave's look)
I fixed it.
(off Dave's look)
Okay, but look, it was not my
fault! The Japs started peppering
me with questions and I had to
improvise and then everyone got
very emotional and, well... it looks
like we're going to court.
DAVE
Oh my God tell me you're kidding.
MITCH
Yeah, your boss was pretty miffed,
but then I told him this was all
part of my master plan to make more
money off our clients--
DAVE
What. 1
MITCH
Yeah, turns out that's totally
illegal, but the old man was
surprisingly cool about it.
Dave sits there, speechless. Mitch eats wings.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Hey, your secretary is sort of hot
in like a Dame Judi Dench-playing-a-
Nazi kind of way. Is she on the
fuck team?
46.
DAVE
(WEAK)
I. .I just want to go home...
CUT TO:
DAVE AND MITCH DRIVING IN MITCH'S CAR
as the sun sets. The windows are open and the wind is in
their hair. They're very much not talking to each other...
EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- EVENING
Dave and Mitch head up Dave's front walk, solemn...
MITCH
What are you gonna tell Jamie?
DAVE
The truth.
MITCH
Can I highly recommend against
that?
INT. MITCH'S HOUSE -- EVENING
Mitch and Dave enter to find Cara running down the stairs in
her Dora the Explorer pajamas. Dave smiles and opens his
arms, tired and overjoyed to see her...
DAVE
Hey, sugar-bug.
.but she passes right by him and hugs Mitch.
CARA
Hi Daddy!
Dave stammers, stung. Mitch hugs her, acting stiff like Dave.
MITCH
Well hello, my precocious daughter!
DAVE
Okay, I don't sound like that--
Just then Jamie hurries past, the twins in her arms, and
kisses Mitch on the lips. Both men startle a bit.
47.
JAMIE
Hey.
(TO DAVE)
Hi Mitch.
DAVE
This is so weird.
MITCH
No shit.
JAMIE
You staying for dinner?
Silence. Then Mitch nudges Dave.
DAVE
Right -- no, thank you. I'm-- Look,
Jamie, we really need to talk.
JAMIE
Okay, but make it quick, I've got
to put the twins to bed.
DAVE
I. .um...I'm not Mitch.
MITCH
I'm Mitch. Somehow.. .we switched
bodies last night. He's Dave.
Jamie looks back and forth between them, expressionless.
MITCH (CONT'D)
You see, what happened was, we peed
into a magic fountain--
DAVE
Then the city moved the fountain--
MITCH
But as soon as they find it, we're
going to switch back.
JAMIE
Great! Sounds like a plan.
MITCH
Are you kidding? Is she kidding?
Clearly yes. Jamie heads for the stairs when Dave stops her.
48.
DAVE
Baby, please don't--
JAMIE
Okay, Mitch, first of all, don't
call me baby, it's creepy. Second
of all... what the hell are you
talking about?.
DAVE
Look, I can prove it's true! Just,
I don't know, just ask me anything
that only I -- that only Dave --
would know. Anything.
JAMIE
When's our wedding anniversary?
Dave freezes, oh shit.
DAVE
Spring?
JAMIE
Spring?
MITCH
Dude, it's March 24th, even I know
that.
DAVE
Why do you know that?
MITCH
So that I can send you a thoughtful
card -- what kind of monster are
you?
DAVE
Look, just ask me anything else.
JAMIE
I really don't have time to--
MITCH
Jamie, please.
JAMIE
What's my favorite color?
DAVE
You have a favorite color?
49.
MITCH
Mauve.
DAVE
Dude: do you not understand what
we're trying to accomplish here?!
MITCH
I'm just saying, look at all the
accents in this room -- she loves
mauve.
DAVE
Baby -- Jamie -- ask me anything
else, something more personal...
JAMIE
Fine, what did we talk about two
nights ago...? I was crying...?
DAVE
(taking a stab in the dark)
Yourrrrr mother maybe?
JAMIE
That's great, Mitch. Thanks a big
bunch. Come on, honey.
Jamie steams upstairs, pissed, with Cara in tow. Dave runs
his hands through his hair, fuck! Mitch looks appalled:
MITCH
Dude, you are like the worst
husband ever.
DAVE
I have a lot on my plate right now,
man! You have no idea!
MITCH
Okay, look, calm down: I can hold
down the fort for one night.
DAVE
Are you joking? You worked at my
job for one day and you almost got
arrested! What are you gonna do to
my family?!
MITCH
Dude, the kids are already going to
bed.
(MORE)
50.
MITCH (CONT'D)
I think I can handle watching Two
And A Half fucking Men and falling
asleep on the couch with the best
of 'em. The only roadblock I
foresee is: what do I tell Jamie?
DAVE
What do you tell Jamie.. .when?
MITCH
When she wants to have sex tonight.
DAVE
But it's Tuesday.
MITCH
I don't understand. You don't have
sex on Tuesdays?
A beat. Then Dave starts LAUGHING. It builds. Dave hasn't
laughed this hard in a long time. He pats Mitch's cheek.
DAVE
That's adorable.
Dave turns and exits the house, still LAUGHING...
DAVE (CONT'D)
You know what, give it a shot.
MITCH
Really?! You want me to bang your
wife??
DAVE
Sure, have at it! Let me know how
it goes...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Dave parks Mitch's Fiero on this shady Silver Lake street,
glancing at the HOMELESS GUY stumbling by, a bit scared.
INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Dave enters Mitch's apartment and flips on the bright
overhead light. The white walls are empty. A futon, TV, and
four crates of bird seed are all that occupy the living room.
DAVE
Jesus, it's like a Swedish asylum--
51.
And then Mitch's iPhone RINGS. Dave hesitates, then answers:
DAVE (CONT'D)
Mitch Planko, who the fuck is this?
A sexy woman's voice purrs:
SEXY WOMAN (O.S.)
Hiii Mitch, it's Tatiana...
Dave straightens, oh shit!
DAVE
Tatiana?! Hi! How, um, how are you?
TATIANA (O.S.)
I'll be better in a few minutes
after I fuck you raw.
CLICK. She hangs up. Dave freezes, wide-eyed.
DAVE
Oh my God. Oh my God.
He quickly dials a number.
INTERCUT WITH MITCH
Sitting on the plush couch with Jamie, eating takeout sushi
and watching Two and a Half Men on the huge plasma TV.
The phone rings. Mitch sees the caller ID, then answers it.
MITCH
Hey dude, I take back everything I
said about Two and a Half Men. This
is some edgy shit--
DAVE
Tatiana is on her way over!
MITCH
Nice.
DAVE
What do you think I should do?!
MITCH
I think you should fuck her, that's
what I think you should do.
Jamie looks over at Mitch, weirded out; he gets up and
crosses into the hallway for some privacy.
52.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Don't blow this for me, dude, she's
my Tuesday night regular.
DAVE
But wouldn't I be...sort of...
cheating on Jamie? Maybe?
MITCH
No! Cheating is when any part of
your penis touches any part of
another woman who is not your wife,
and last I checked, your wang is
safely tucked away in my incredibly
lame triple-pleated sport slacks.
DAVE
But my mind is over here, doesn't
that count... somehow?
MITCH
Dude, how many women have you
fucked in your mind? Thousands?
DAVE
Millions.
MITCH
Right, and that's not cheating,
right?
DAVE
Your reasoning is oddly impeccable.
MITCH
I think you're on firm legal ground
here, amigo. I say jump that ass.
DAVE
Jesus ...I haven't had sex with
another woman since college...
MITCH
Well, it still works the same, but
this chick is a lot to handle so
pace yourself, okay? She's hornier
than a priest at summer camp.
DAVE
Oh my God so am I--.
There's a KNOCK at the apartment door. Dave jumps, freaked:
53.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Holy shit she's already here! What
do I do?!
MITCH
You'll do fine. Just wear a condom,
okay? Don't give me AIDS--
Just then WHAM -- the door flies open and a very sexy blonde
enters the apartment wearing a long trenchcoat and five inch
stiletto heels. She moves towards Dave like a panther.
DAVE
(freezing, breathless)
Tatiana...
TATIANA
Are you ready to ride?
DAVE
I-I honestly don't know...
She throws off her trenchcoat to reveal she's not wearing
anything underneath. Awesome.
Less awesome is the fact that she's NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.
Massive breasts sit atop a huge, distended, veiny, protruding
stomach. Dave recoils.
DAVE (CONT'D)
DAAAH!
TATIANA
Why the fuck are you still wearing
clothes?
As she advances towards him, Dave climbs up the futon.
DAVE
But you're--?! When are you due?!
TATIANA
Any minute now, so let's get our
fuck on before this becomes a
threesome.
DAVE
Oh god gross! Wait, who's the
father? Am I the father?!
TATIANA
No...but you are my daddy...
54.
She smiles coyly and slides on top of him.
DAVE
Holy shit you're so heavy--
TATIANA
My tits are aching for you.
DAVE
Actually that's probably just the
colostrum coming in, it can be very
PAINFUL--
Tatiana finally stops with the femme fatale routine.
TATIANA
Okay: what's your deal tonight?
DAVE
Nothing! Nothing. I just--
TATIANA
Is it my new haircut?
DAVE
No...?
TATIANA
The trenchcoat? Too cliche?
DAVE
No! I love the coat.
TATIANA
Is it, I don't know, the pregnancy?
DAVE
Well...now that you mention it?
Maybe, like, a little?
TATIANA
What the hell?! You picked me up at
a Single Mothers Lamaze class! What
did you expect?!
DAVE
(HORRIFIED)
I did?! That's terrible! Who would
do something like that?!
Tatiana angrily crosses the room and -- with considerable
effort -- bends over and picks up her trenchcoat.
55.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Look, Tatiana, I'm sorry. You're
incredibly beautiful, it's just--
TATIANA
(turning, fully naked)
What?! I'm not sexy?!
DAVE
Oh my god I can see it kicking.
You can, in fact, see the fetus moving around in her belly.
TATIANA
You know what? Fuck you, Mitch.
Don't ever call me again.
She yanks on her coat and storms out. Dave stammers.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- NIGHT
It's bedtime. Wearing pajama pants and no shirt, Mitch
brushes his teeth and fixes his hair, trying to look sexy. He
sucks in his dad-gut in the mirror.
MITCH
Jesus, Dave, it's called a sit-up.
Then he sees Jamie's dress land on the bedroom floor,
followed by her bra... Mitch exhales:
MITCH (CONT'D)
Holy shit, I'm finally going to
fuck Jamie. This is my greatest
hour! I hope she likes it weird!
Then, IN SLOW MOTION, Jamie enters the bathroom, nude, her
hair gently blowing in the wind from an open window. She
looks insanely hot. Mitch takes her all in, ravenous...
MITCH (CONT'D)
Oh my God I am going to ruin her--
And then she sits on the can. And starts taking a dump.
Mitch's face drops, horrified.
JAMIE
I have to cool it on the Thai food.
I've had the shits all day.
56.
Mitch just stares at her, dumbstruck, as we hear the LOOSE
CONTENTS OF HER BOWELS empty into the toilet bowl.
MITCH
Oh my GOD.
JAMIE
Seriously -- light a candle.
She keeps shitting. It sounds like Niagara Falls. Thunderous.
Foregoing the candle, Mitch covers his nose with his forearm
and stumbles out of the bathroom, nauseous...
INT. BEDROOM -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Mitch lies in bed, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling,
horrified. Jamie slides in bed with him, touches his arm--
MITCH
(RECOILING)
DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!
JAMIE
What is your problem?
MITCH
Look, I am not attracted to you
right now, okay?! So just... No
means no, all right? No means no...
TIGHT ON Jamie rolling over, confused and genuinely hurt...
TIME DISSOLVE TO:
PEACEFUL BLACK STILLNESS
Then we hear a baby SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then a second baby
joins in, even more shrill than the first. Finally, we hear
the worst two words a parent can ever hear:
JAMIE (O.S.)
Your turn.
MITCH (O.S.)
Mmm?
JAMIE (O.S.)
It's your turn to feed the twins.
MITCH (O.S.)
Yeah...I really don't feel like it.
Jamie turns on the light, pissed.
57.
JAMIE
Are you fucking kidding me?
MITCH
No, it's 3 in the morning, you go
do it. You're the mother.
JAMIE
Get the fuck out bed right now and
go feed your fucking children or I
will fucking cut you!
Mitch is already scrambling out of the room, terrified.
MITCH
Yes Jamie I'm sorry Jamie!
INT. TWIN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Mitch just looks at the twins, SCREAMING in their respective
cribs, no idea what to do. He reaches for the phone. Dials.
INTERCUT WITH DAVE
in Mitch's apartment, jacking off to some (very small)
internet porn on Mitch's iPhone. Then the porn disappears,
and "DAVE LOCKWOOD CALLING" appears on screen.
DAVE
Oh come on...
(answering, panting)
What?
MITCH
I always thought your wife was a
nice lady but she is neither nice
nor a lady! She talks like a dock-
worker and she shits like one too!
Plus I used to think your kids were
adorable but actually they're just
really fucking annoying and crazy
needy-- Wait, are you jacking off?
DAVE
What? No!
MITCH
So why are you panting?
DAVE
Look, I had to, I never get this
kind of privacy anymore.
58.
MITCH
But isn't that sort of...my penis?
Dave looks down.
DAVE
Yeah. I guess. Is that weird?
MITCH
I. .don't know?
DAVE
It sort of hooks to the side a bit.
MITCH
Yeah. Go lefty, you'll get better
torque.
DAVE
Cool, thanks. Hey, how long have
you been shaved down there?
MITCH
It's kind of pro forma now, dude.
DAVE
Really?
MITCH
Yeah, only married dudes still rock
dick-fros anymore-- wait: if
Tatiana was over earlier, why do
you still need to jack off?
DAVE
Yeeeah, Tatiana might not be coming
back. Like, ever.
MITCH
What did you do?!
DAVE
Me?! She's nine months pregnant!
MITCH
Oh my God you're so picky!
DAVE
I could see the baby kicking, dude!
59.
MITCH
So what, she's having a girl! It
wouldn't have been a little boy
tickling your tip! Jesus, I can't
believe you fucked up my Tuesday
night regular!
DAVE
Relax, Mitch--
MITCH
No! You married guys have no idea
how hard it is to build a reliable
stable! You don't! It's a full time
job! Getting girls' phone numbers,
calling them, emailing them,
Facebooking them, Twittering them,
buying them drinks and dinners and
coffees and listening to endless
stories about their stupid fucking
friends and begging them to touch
your wiener on the second date and
building an elaborate web of lies
so they don't all find out about
each other -- it's exhausting! And
then poof! In one night, you just
casually discard my life's work!
DAVE
Jesus, okay, I'm sorry...
MITCH
Sorry doesn't lick my ballbag every
Tuesday night...
DAVE
Look, is there a reason you're
calling me at 3 in the morning?
Mitch glares back to the twins, who are still WAILING.
MITCH
Yeah, your mean wife is making me
feed the kids. What do I do?
DAVE
Have you changed their diapers
already?
MITCH
(beat, lying)
Yes. Obviously.
60.
DAVE
Okay, take them to the kitchen.
MITCH
Hold on.
Mitch puts the phone in his mouth and picks up the SCREAMING
TWINS. Carrying them like bags of wheat, he jogs down
THE HALLWAY
as they scream their heads off. He's totally rattled:
MITCH
SHUT UP! STOP CRYING! JESUS CHRIST,
WE FUCKING HEAR YOU!
INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Mitch jogs into the kitchen and, plop, sets the twins on the
COUNTER, then speaks into the phone again:
MITCH
All right. In the kitchen.
DAVE
Go to the fridge...
Mitch turns away from the twins and opens the fridge. He sees
a bottle of wine and immediately drinks from the bottle.
MITCH
Yeah?
DAVE
Defrost two bags of breastmilk in
the microwave for 3 minutes, then
prepare two separate bottles...
Mitch grabs a container of cow's milk, sniffs it, turns to
give it to the babies -- to discover that Sarah is gone, and
Peter is licking an ELECTRICAL SOCKET!
MITCH
Holy fuck!
Mitch yanks Peter away just as SPARKS shoot from the socket!
DAVE
What was that?
MITCH
Nothing! Go on! Two bottles...?
61.
DAVE
First: attach the filter to the
seal to the nipple...
Mitch hears CLINK CLINK and spins to see that Sarah has
crawled over to the KNIFE BLOCK and removed a BUTCHER KNIFE
and a MEAT CLEAVER and is waving them about like rattles!
MITCH
Oh jesus oh jesus...
Mitch approaches her, wide-eyed, tentative -- when Sarah
giggles and spastically whips the cleaver at him! He barely
sidesteps it, and it impacts into a cupboard door -- F-TWANG!
MITCH (CONT'D)
This is so fucked up!
DAVE
I know, right? And make sure you
don't allow any air bubbles in.
Mitch grabs a pair of tongs and, after a few attempts,
snatches the butcher knife from Sarah's hands. Then he scoops
her up and deposits her into the sink with her brother.
Finally, he slumps over, trying to catch his breath.
MITCH
Dude. Listen to me: you need to go
downtown first thing tomorrow
morning and you need to find that
fucking fountain...
He starts pouring cow's milk into the babies' mouths. It
splashes all over them, but they manage to lap up some of it.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Honestly, I'm really not sure how
much more of this shit I can take.
CUT TO:
A DESK PLACARD READING "DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON"
District Manager Carla Nelson sits behind her desk in her
bland, putty office, the next morning. She is still bored.
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
Good news. Your formal information
request was approved.
Dave stops pacing, deeply relieved.
62.
DAVE
Great. So where's the fountain?
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
Oh. We won't hear back for one to
three weeks, maybe more.
DAVE
WHAT? How long can it possibly take
you to find your own fountain?!
CARLA MELSON DAVE
One to three weeks, maybe One to three weeks, maybe
more. more.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Thanks, Carla, you just ruined my
life. Have an awesome day.
Dave blows out of there, choking on his fury...
MATCH CUT TO:
DAVE RACING INTO HIS OWN HOUSE
still furious. He looks around for Mitch.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Mitch?! Mitch?! Bad news, buddy!
Dave bounds up the stairs...
INT. NURSERY -- MORNING
Jamie quietly CRIES as she gets the twins dressed for the
day. Dave charges in--
DAVE
Real bad news--!
Jamie startles and quickly dries her eyes.
JAMIE
Dave's in the shower.
DAVE
Are you okay...?
Dave enters, concerned, and instinctively starts helping her
dress the babies. She watches him, a bit confused.
63.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Come on, you can tell me. We've
been friends forever...
JAMIE
(EXHALES)
It's Dave ...he's been acting so
strange lately. Last night... Last
night he even told me he wasn't
attracted to me...
DAVE
Oh my god I'm going to fucking kill
him.
JAMIE
Just tell me honestly...is Dave
having an affair?
DAVE
No. Jamie. I swear he's not. You're
just going through a very temporary
rough patch, okay?
JAMIE
Temporary? We've been in this rough
patch for years
DAVE
(this is news to him)
Y-You have?!
JAMIE
You don't want to hear about this.
DAVE
No I really do. Tell me everything.
Jamie looks at him, sees the urgency in his eyes. Frowns.
JAMIE
It's not his fault, really...I love
him with all my heart, you know I
do, but-you remember Dave's
family growing up. They were a
mess. They had nothing. Dave's
entire childhood was spent looking
over the fence, wanting a better
life. So he scrimped and saved and
worked four jobs at once and put
himself through school and built a
better life for himself. I've
always loved that about him.
(MORE)
64.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
No one ever gave him anything. The
problem is, now that he's got a
good life, he can't turn it off --
he's still looking over the fence,
wanting something even better, a
second house, more kids, a faster
car, a bigger promotion, whatever
it is that he thinks will finally
make him happy.
Dave reddens, defensive; this is hitting very close to home.
DAVE
well poor Jamie! You have an
ambitious, hard-working husband who
provides for you and your family --
how can you even stand it?
JAMIE
(TAKEN ABACK)
No, I know, I should be grateful...
and I am...I guess all I'm saying
is that Dave is so focussed on what
he doesn't have that he can't see
what he does. And how long can you
stay married to someone who is
incapable of ever being happy...?
She looks at him, searching. Dave stammers, realizing for the
first time just how much trouble his marriage is in... Then:
MITCH
Check it out: I have freckles on my
taint! How awesome is that?!
They turn to see Mitch in the doorway, buck naked and wet,
holding a hand-mirror under his balls. Then he sees Dave.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Oh, hey, fag. Why're you here?
CUT TO:
MITCH (O.S.) (CONT'D)
One to three weeks, maybe more?!
INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- DAY
Mitch shaves in the bathroom as Dave paces, anxious.
MITCH
What the fuck does that even mean?!
65.
DAVE
It means we might be in each
other's bodies for a while...
MITCH
What?! No! I can't do this anymore!
Your life sucks!
DAVE
My life sucks?! You drive a Fiero--
Jamie calls through the door:
JAMIE (O.S.)
Um, I'm going to work?
DAVE MITCH
All right, angel! Have a nice day!
JAMIE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
You guys okay in there?
MITCH
Yup! Just two dudes chilling in the
bathroom, nothing weird about that!
JAMIE (O.S.)
Okay...? See you later...
We hear Jamie's FOOTSTEPS retreat. Dave grows emotional:
DAVE
Listen to me: I know I complain
about my family sometimes, but
Jamie and the kids are everything
to me... My marriage is falling
apart, my job is on the line, and I
need you to step up and be the best
possible version of me, okay?
MITCH
Dude, honestly, I'm working my nuts
off over here. I don't know how to
play you any better.
DAVE
Well. Then I'm just gonna have to
teach you. Let's start at the
BEGINNING:
CUT TO:
66.
INT. DAVE'S BEDROOM -- CLOSET -- MOMENTS LATER
Dave holds up a suit from his closet. Mitch watches.
DAVE
This is called a suit. You have to
wear one every day, along with--
(holding up tie)
A NECKTIE--
(holding up socks)
Black -- not white -- socks--
(holding up dress shoes)
Dress shoes, not shower sandals--
(holding up boxers)
And underwear.
MITCH
Oh come on!
DAVE
No! No more commando! You are a
grown-ass man!
Mitch mimics heiling Hitler and starts getting dressed...
INT. DAVE'S KITCHEN -- DAY
Mitch, highly uncomfortable in his business suit, scowls as
Dave shows him the kids' schedules on the fridge.
DAVE
This is called a schedule. It tells
you everything you need to do in a
given day. Drop offs. Pick ups.
Activities. Playdates. Doctors
appointments. You'll notice that
there are approximately 50 hours
worth of obligations on any given
day. Find a way.
INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- DAY
Dave drives. Mitch slumps in the passenger seat, grumpy.
DAVE
Always be thinking of your next
responsibility. It helps to break
your day into four minute
increments. And remember: there is
no margin for error.
(MORE)
67.
DAVE (CONT'D)
If you pick up the twins, the
drycleaning and the diaper cream
but forget the organic quince paste
from that little place on Abbot
Kinney, everyone still hates you.
You have to be perfect.
INT. WHOLE FOODS SUPERMARKET -- DAY
Dave walks Mitch through Whole Foods with a cart, selecting
various items from the list.
DAVE
This is called a grocery store. You
buy food here. Before heading to
the market, always call Jamie first
and ask her if she needs anything.
In fact, before you make anV
decisions in your life, no matter
how small, call your wife first.
Think of yourself as a retarded
mule lost in the desert: helpless,
dumb, and in constant need of
direction. Never take initiative,
never strike out on your own, never
deviate from the plan: you are
always wrong. You are a retarded
mule lost in the desert.
INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- DAY
They drive down the street, the car packed with groceries.
DAVE
When you're with Jamie, you should
always be doing one of three
things: asking her permission,
complimenting her, or begging her
forgiveness. It doesn't matter if
she already said you could go to
poker night, or if she looks like
fucking Mothra in that dress, or if
you didn't do anything wrong.
Permission, compliments, apologies.
That's all anyone wants to hear out
of a husband's mouth. Here, let's
practice: what's your favorite
joke?
MITCH
Umm...? A rabbi, a priest--?
BAM! Dave punches Mitch in the nuts.
68.
DAVE
Trick question! No one fucking
cares! You're Dave Lockwood, boring
dad, you're not Jerry Fucking
Seinfeld! Shut the fuck up!
Mitch clutches his balls, hurt and scared...
INT. PRE-SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- DAY
Dave and Mitch, wearing sombreros, sit behind a tiny desk in
this colorful pre-school classroom, preparing the healthy
snacks they just purchased for Cara and her rowdy CLASSMATES.
DAVE
These are called children, or
dependents. Never disparage your
own children -- everything they do
is a miracle from God. When they're
bad, it's only because they're
tired or going through a phase.
When other people's kids are bad,
however, it's because of indulgent
parenting or innate defects in the
CHILD'S CHARACTER--
A cute little BOY snatches three apple slices.
DAVE (CONT'D)
One a piece, please, Dylan.
(TO MITCH)
Kid's a natural born criminal. If
he sees 18, it'll be from the
inside a jail cell.
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- DAY
Dave walks Mitch through the office.
DAVE
This is called an office, or work.
Think about whatever you most want
to do here, and then do the exact
opposite. You want to go home
early? Great: stay all night.
Hungry? Cool: don't eat. Think your
boss is a total douche? Terrific:
invite him to join your fantasy
baseball league.
A cute ASSOCIATE walks by and Mitch overtly eye-fucks her all
the way past. Dave nut-punches him again.
69.
DAVE (CONT'D)
You're married now, jackass! You
can't look at other women, you
can't talk to other women, you
can't even be interesting around
other women! Do everything in your
power to de-sexualize yourself --
wear a fannypack, drive a Passat,
affix electronic devices to your
belt -- whatever it takes. If
you're forced to interact with a
woman, quickly find a way to
mention that you're married. It
doesn't even have to make sense.
Just be like "Nice weather today,
I'm totally fucking married."
MITCH
Wait, so I can't sleep with my wife
and I can't sleep with other women?
What is that?
DAVE
It's called marriage.
Dave turns into his office, nodding at his mean secretary.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Good morning, Gladys.
She scowls at him, confused, who's this guy? Then Mitch
passes and wiggles his tongue at her, simulating cunnilingus.
The old lady GASPS, appalled...
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
They enter Dave's office.
DAVE
Do you have any other questions?
MITCH
Yeah -- when's your free time?
DAVE
(COCK-PUNCHING him again)
Have you been listening to one word
I've said?! There is no fucking
free time! You don't have a life
anymore! You don't have a
personality, or an identity, or a
point of view! You are a dad!
(MORE)
70.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Your job is to allocate resources,
to shuttle children from A to B, to
deliver food at appropriate
intervals, to clean up, to break
down, to construct, to repair, to
finance, to sooth, to make everyone
else happy, okay? And when your day
is done, you know what you get?
MITCH
Dry handjob?
DAVE
Nothing! You're not single anymore!
No one gives you a cupcake every
time you hold the door or speak in
complete sentences, it's expected
of you now, so grow up!
MITCH
Okay, can I just say something
without you punching my cock?
(Dave inhales, go)
I think you might be taking some of
this adult shit a little seriously--
VOICE AT THE DOOR
Knock knock?
Both men turn to see Sabrina in the doorway, looking lovely
in a short skirt suit, holding documents. Mitch straightens.
MITCH
HELL-lo legs.
SABRINA
Yes...um...sort of big news.
MITCH
(solicitous, creepy)
Please, come in! Coffee? Scotch?
SABRINA
(entering, tentative)
No... thanks? Anyway, Kinkabe and
Amalgamated have agreed to go into
binding mediation in two days.
DAVE
Two days? Are you kidding me?!
Sabrina glances at Dave, confused, no idea who he is.
71.
SABRINA
N-No? Anyway, I'll have my briefs
on your desk by tonight.
MITCH
(stretching leg on desk)
And I'll have my briefs on your
chin by tomorrow morning--
DAVE
And that is Level 4 Sexual
Harassment! Awesome! Thanks,
Sabrina, that will be all.
MITCH
Oh shit, this is Sabrina?!
Sabrina looks at Dave, even more confused.
SABRINA
Have. . .Have we met?
DAVE
(shaking Sabrina's hand)
Oh. I'm sorry, no. I'm Mitch,
Dave's completely idiotic friend.
SABRINA
(SMILING SLIGHTLY)
Sabrina McArdle. Nice to meet you.
Mitch notices their chemistry and immediately blurts out:
MITCH
You guys should go out!
DAVE
What?
MITCH
Yeah! You're single now, Mitch,
remember? And Sabrina is stone
fucking hot! Look at that body!
Sabrina: swimmer in college?
SABRINA
Dave--?
72.
MITCH
You two should go out, have a nice
steak dinner, go dancing at some
weird Korean nightclub and then
fuck on the roof, you know what I
mean? How's 8pm tomorrow night,
Richter's Steakhouse?
Sabrina and Dave stammer, sharing a terrorized look.
SABRINA
Um, good, I guess...?
MITCH
Great! I know for a fact that Mitch
is free, so he'll see you there!
And honey: wear something tight,
you know what I mean? Make it fun.
SABRINA
Yeah...I'm gonna go now...?
Sabrina hurries out, appalled. Dave clutches his forehead:
DAVE
Oh my god I'm so fucking fired.
MITCH
No dude: you're so fucking laid!
DAVE
You can't talk to women like that
at work! Or anywhere, really!
MITCH
I'm sorry, I just got you a date
with the number one girl on your
Cancer List and this is the thanks
I get?
DAVE
I'm not going on the date, Mitch.
MITCH
Yes you are.
DAVE
No. I'm not.
73.
MITCH
Yes you are, because if you don't,
I will feed'your children non-
organic snacks and then introduce
them to my extensive girl-on-horse
pornography collection. How do you
think Jamie will react to that?
Dave just looks at Mitch, horrified.
DAVE
Why...Why are you doing this to me?
MITCH
Because I've seen your life and if
you don't loosen up soon you are
literally going to die. So go out
with this chick. Have fun. Bust a
nut. Remember why life is beautiful
again, okay? Please?
This actually gets to Dave a bit. He frowns, fine...
MITCH (CONT'D)
Also, see if she likes to fuck on
Tuesday nights, because you owe me
a regular.
CUT TO:
INT. PARKING LOT -- NIGHT
His work day over, Mitch strides through the parking lot,
heading for his car, cheerfully waving to various COMMUTERS:
MITCH
GOOD EVENING! / HAVE A PLEASANT
COMMUTE! / WHAT A WONDERFUL BROOCH!
Mitch reaches his Audi station wagon when--
VOICE
Dave?
Mitch turns to see his father, MITCH, SR. passing, smiling.
MITCH
Oh! Hey... Mister ...Planko? What are
you doing here?
MITCH, SR.
My attorney's in this building...
74.
He notices the HUMAN STICK FIGURES on Dave's rear windshield,
labelled for each member of his family. He smiles at them:
MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
Oh, what a neat idea!
MITCH
Yeah, maybe if you're from Kansas.
MITCH, SR.
Your parents are very lucky to have
so many grandchildren.
MITCH
(quick, sharp)
What's that supposed to mean?
MITCH, SR.
Nothing! Nothing. How are y--?
MITCH
I mean, you still have a really
fucking cool son, right?!
MITCH, SR.
Yes, Mitch is definitely cool...
How are the twins?
MITCH
They're fucking fine-- what the
fuck does that mean, "Mitch is
definitely cool?!"
MITCH, SR.
(TAKEN ABACK)
Nothing. No, it's my fault... I
spoiled him rotten after his mother
passed away, but...
He trails off, clearly not wanting to talk about this.
MITCH
But what, dude?! Spit it out!
MITCH, SR.
But now he's a total fuck up.
Mitch actually GASPS. His dad smiles sadly:
75.
MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
I mean, he's a great guy, he's the
life of the party, but he has no
work ethic, he has no backbone,
he'll never build a family or a
career or anything of substance
like you have. He's... embarrassing.
Mitch stands there, mouth agape, just decimated.
MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
Anyway, I'm sorry to go on and on.
How's your lovely wife--?
Mitch starts TEARING UP and fumbling with the car door.
MITCH
Your son is not a fuck up, M-Mr.
Planko! He's just a late bloomer!
His dad looks utterly confused as Mitch gets into the car.
MITCH, SR.
Dave? Are you crying...?
MITCH
I'm sorry, I'm just very close to
Mitch and when people say mean
things about him I hurt too--
He SLAMS the door shut and jerks out of the parking spot,
tears pouring down his face. His dad watches on, bewildered.
INT. DAVE'S CAR -- NIGHT
Mitch angrily drives home, trying to stop crying.
MITCH
Fuck! Fuck...
And then Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" comes on the radio.
Mitch's expression slowly turns to steely determination...
CUT TO:
BLACK STILLNESS
As "Eye of the Tiger" continues playing, we hear a baby
SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then we hear a second baby join in.
Finally, we hear the worst two words a parent can ever hear:
JAMIE
YOUR TURN--
76.
Mitch sits bolt upright in bed like Rambo, totally awake, his
jaw set, and bounds out of bed...
INT. NURSERY -- NIGHT
Mitch aggressively changes the twins' diapers. He's doing a
terrible job, but he's focussed, working hard...
INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Mitch assembles two baby bottles as the twins sit in the sink
SCREAMING. He SCREAMS back at them...
INT. DEN -- NIGHT
Mitch sits erect on the couch like a Navajo warrior, feeding
the twins, his eyes afire...
INT. DAVE'S CAR -- THE NEXT MORNING
Wearing fingerless driving gloves, Mitch races the twins to
day care. He looks like the fucking Transporter...
INT. STEEL, KUHBACH, MCCLOUD -- LAW FIRM -- MORNING
Mitch blows into the office, looking sharp in a business
suit. He points at other lawyers, amped up, not smiling.
MITCH
LET'S DO SOME LAW, GUYS! GET SOME!
His old secretary Gladys falls in step with him.
GLADYS
GOOD MORN--
MITCH
I need the book CORPORATE LAW FOR
DUMMIES, every season of Law &
Order on DVD and Blu-Ray, and the
biggest fucking coffee you can
carry on my desk in 15 minutes or
else you're fired.
Gladys writes this down on a pad of paper, a bit turned on...
MITCH (CONT'D)
Also get yourself a new haircut and
a pair of six inch stripper shoes.
It's time to take this shit to the
next level.
77.
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- LATER
Mitch studies a legal casebook while chugging coffee. Law &
Order plays on the TV in the background. Then an ALARM sounds
on his desk and he races out of his office, all business...
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE -- DAY
Mitch hurries into the pediatrician's office, talking on his
BlackBerry phone, a twin in each arm, a cigarette dangling
from his mouth. The RECEPTIONIST frowns. Mitch makes the
universal "jerking off" motion with his hand...
INT. SUPERMARKET -- DAY
Mitch races through the supermarket with a cart, grabbing
items off the shelves like Supermarket Sweeps...
INT. AUDITORIUM -- DAY
Mitch jogs into the crowded auditorium and sits next to
Jamie. The ballet recital is already in progress...
ONSTAGE, two dozen adorable little BALLERINAS in pink tutu's
pile and jete about...
Jamie points out little Cara in pigtails. Mitch smiles.
MITCH
Fuck me she's cute...
JAMIE
Uh oh, here comes the second
battement glisse...
Jamie tenses up. Mitch does too...
As Cara starts her spin, Nicolette Peters goes to push her
over -- and Cara calmly grabs her arm, FLIPS her over her
shoulder, and drops her flat on her back with a loud WHAM!
As Nicolette starts CRYING, Cara calmly continues dancing
like nothing happened. The other girls on stage look pleased.
Mitch CLAPS and WHISTLES:
MITCH
FUCK YEAH! NICE ONE, CARA!
Jamie hits him, SHE, but is clearly proud of her little girl.
A dozen rows ahead of them, NICOLETTE'S FATHER -- a huge
former linebacker -- leaps up, outraged:
78.
NICOLETTE'S FATHER
HEY! THAT GIRL JUST FLIPPED MY
DAUGHTER!
Mitch hops up, equally fired up.
MITCH
THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER IS A
FUCKING CUNT!
The entire auditorium SILENCES. Nicolette's father turns.
NICOLETTE'S FATHER
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!
MITCH
YOU HEARD ME, PAL! YOUR DAUGHTER
HAD IT COMING!
Nicolette's father, his face beet red, starts climbing over
people and seats, insanely gunning for Mitch!
NICOLETTE'S FATHER
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
JAMIE
Honey--?.
MITCH
BRING IT, FUCK-NUTS!
Mitch bounds over the seats, charging right back at him!
ON STAGE Mrs. Kleinmen and all the little ballerinas stand
frozen, mouths agape, watching Mitch and Nicolette's father
claw their way over seats, trying to get to each other!
MITCH (CONT'D)
I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF-
WHAM! Nicolette's dad levels him OUT OF FRAME as we
CUT TO:
INT. JAMIE'S BMW STATION WAGON -- EVENING
Jamie drives along, a slight smile on her face. Mitch sits
shotgun, battered and beaten, holding an ice pack to his
cheek. Cara sits in her carseat in the back, a bit stunned.
JAMIE
Well, looks like you won't be doing
ballet at the rec center anymore.
79.
CARA
That's okay. I didn't really like
it anyway.
MITCH
Where'd you learn to ninja-flip a
girl like that?
CARA
The internet.
MITCH
Good girl. So what'd we learn from
this?
CARA
Always solve my problems with
violence.
MITCH
That's right, baby. Bones.
They bump fists. Jamie is stunned.
JAMIE
What?! No, angel, that's exactly
the wrong lesson. You should never
use violence, except to defend
yourself, okay?
Mitch subtly shakes his head at Cara, don't listen to her.
MITCH
Violence is cool.
JAMIE
Dave!
MITCH
I'm kidding!
(TO CARA)
I'm not kidding.
Cara GIGGLES in the backseat. Jamie can't help but laugh too.
Soon they're all LAUGHING. It's a nice moment.
CARA
I love you, Daddy...
MITCH
(SURPRISED)
Oh. I-I love you too, angel.
80.
Jamie smiles over at Mitch...
TIGHT ON MITCH as he feels the family love for the first
time. He looks touched... even a little proud...
Then his cell phone rings. He answers it:
MITCH (CONT'D)
Lockwood.
DAVE (ON PHONE)
I haven't been on a first date in
over a decade and I'm drowning in
my own fear--!
MITCH
Don't move. I'll be right over.
SMASH CUT TO:
MITCH KICKING OPEN THE DOOR
of his old apartment to find Dave, in khaki's and a pressed
buttondown, freaking out in the mirror--
DAVE
How do I look?!
MITCH
Like a fucking tool. Step aside--
Mitch throws open the closet and yanks out a pair of jeans.
MITCH (CONT'D)
These are called jeans. They've
been very popular with our nation's
young people for over 60 years. Put
them on immediately.
DAVE
Jeans? To a restaurant?
Mitch punches Dave in the nuts; he doubles over.
MITCH
Shut up and do what I say. We only
have 3 hours to make you cool...
CUT TO:
INT. MITCH'S BATHROOM
Mitch shows Dave how to put gel into his hair.
81.
MITCH
This is called gel, or product. Use
too little and you look like a
pedophile Cub Scout leader, use too
much and you look Persian. Neither
is a winning hand.
Dave very nervously applies gel to his hair...
INT. MITCH'S SHOWER STALL
Dave stands with his pants around his ankles as Mitch very
delicately shaves his balls with a Bic razor.
MITCH
Okay, normally I would never do
this for another man, but since
we're in a rush, and technically
this is my testicle bag, I'm making
a rare exception. Always man-scape
before a first date. It shows a
lady that you're clean,
considerate, and American.
DAVE
IT TICKLES--
MITCH
Don't speak, it jiggles your sack.
EXT. EXOTIC MOTORCARS -- EVENING
Exotic sells the most pimped-out used cars in LA. Mitch
SQUEALS off the lot in a RED FERRARI and cruises down the
Sunset Strip, music BLASTING. Dave sits shotgun, stunned.
DAVE
I can't believe you just charged a
Ferrari to my Discover Card.
MITCH
You need to learn to be
spontaneous, Dave. Chicks like
spontaneous.
(to WOMEN walking by)
Hey ladies! Show us your tits!
They flip him off. Mitch laughs. Dave is still floored:
DAVE
What are we gonna tell Jamie...?
82.
MITCH
Do me a favor, Dave. Relax your
butt hole.
DAVE
What?
MITCH
Your sphincter. Just... release it.
Dave's entire body visibly relaxes a bit.
MITCH (CONT'D)
You didn't even know it was
puckered, right? Now recline your
seat a bit...
(DAVE RECLINES)
Good. Now take some deep breaths.
(Dave does, calming)
Now give me your sunglasses.
Dave gives him his sunglasses; Mitch chucks them out the
window and hands him his cool Ray Ban's.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Now, just for like three minutes,
don't be a dad, don't be a husband,
don't be a lawyer, just be a dude
rolling down Sunset strip in a
fucking Ferrari with his best
friend listening to Seal, okay?
Dave looks out the window, getting into it...
MITCH (CONT'D)
Feels good, right?
After a moment, a TEAR escapes from under Dave's shades.
MITCH (CONT'D)
It's okay, just let it out.
DAVE
It's been so long since I felt
cool...
MITCH
I know, baby. I know.
They cruise for a bit longer, then Mitch pulls into a CAR
WASH. Dave looks confused.
83.
DAVE
Why are we washing the car? It's
brand new.
MITCH
We're not washing the car, David.
We're getting you mentally,
physically, and spiritually ready
for your date. Come on.
INT. CAR WASH -- LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
Mitch and a very confused Dave enter the car wash lobby.
MITCH
Now. I don't have time to cover all
the ways in which women have
changed since you last dated...
Mitch stops at the register to pay. Various CAR WASH
EMPLOYEES keep saying hi to Dave, weirding him out.
CAR WASH EMPLOYEES
Hola, Mitch! / Como esta, Mitch?!
MITCH
The bottom line is: the internet
has revolutionized everything.
DAVE
You mean like J-date?
MITCH
Fuck J-date. No. The internet has
changed chicks in three major ways:
first, access and acceptance of
pornography has commoditized women
and pressured them into becoming
sluttier at far younger ages, which
is awesome.
Mitch finishes paying and continues through the car wash.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Second: text messaging has de-
stigmatized the booty call. Call a
girl at 3 in the morning for sex
and it's creepy. Text her "SUCK
WANG MIDNIGHT??" and it's classy. I
have no idea why, but again, an
awesome development.
(MORE)
84.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Third: Facebook and other social
networking sites have falsely
convinced people -- women included
-- that they are funny,
interesting, and unique. Get used
to listening waaay more than you
used to. Chicks are the new dudes,
they talk about themselves all the
fucking time now. Practice saying
things like "you are so different"
and "no, really, what Golden Girl
would you be?" and "I love Lady
Gaga too."
DAVE
What's a Lady Gaga?
MITCH
I don't know, it's either a pop
singer or an energy drink.
They arrive at the CAR WASH WAITING AREA. People sit around,
waiting for their cars, many of them young, female, and cute.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Okay, let's talk to some honeys,
get your flow going again.
DAVE
So wait, why are we at a car wash?
MITCH
The girls are alone, bored, and old
enough to drive -- it's a goldmine.
I run game here four to seven times
a week. Now go on, bust a move.
DAVE
Come on, I talk to women all the
time, I don't need to practice.
MITCH
Really.
DAVE
Yes. And no offense, as a married
man, I probably know how to talk to
women better than you do.
MITCH
Reall v!
85.
DAVE
Yes! It's not that hard. They just
want to be respected and listened
to like everybody else.
MITCH
Okay Daddy Day Care show me how
it's done then! Shit!
Dave sighs and crosses to a CUTE BLONDE texting nearby. As he
draws closer, however, he starts to tense up...soon he's
sweating... it's been a long time ...by the time he finally
reaches the blonde, his voice is ridiculously shrill:
DAVE
Hello there what's your name?!
She doesn't even look up from her BlackBerry. Dave's
confidence instantly crumbles...
DAVE (CONT'D)
I-I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hit
on you. I'm just...I mean, I'm
married, so that's not even a
thing. W-W-Where are you from--?
Mitch appears and yanks him away. Dave looks traumatized:
DAVE (CONT'D)
Was she reaching for her rape
whistle?
MITCH
Shake it off. Being single is like
the Tour De France: it's all about
quick recovery time. Now go on, get
your groove back, you're meeting
Sabrina in a half hour.
QUICK CUTS:
Of Dave trying to chat up various YOUNG WOMEN at the carwash.
DAVE
Your name is Dora? Like the
Explorah?! No...? You aren't
familiar with that show...?
86.
ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN
DAVE
(trying to be sexy)
So: what school district do you
live in?
ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN
DAVE
Yikes, what do your parents think
of all those piercings?!
ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN
DAVE
.and that's the difference
between a stroller and a pram.
YOUNG WOMAN
My car's ready.
The YOUNG WOMAN races off towards her newly cleaned car. Dave
slumps, shit. Mitch nods, looking at his watch.
MITCH
Forty seconds. Not bad. Your times
are improving.
DAVE
I forgot how hard it is to be
single...
MITCH
As a general rule, when you're
talking to single women,
conversation topics to avoid
include: your wife, your children,
your favorite playgrounds, and The
Wiggles...
Dave nods, hating himself. Mitch heads for the Ferrari.
MITCH (CONT'D)
But this was good. You worked out
all your bad game and now you're
ready to dominate. Come on.
CUT TO:
INT. FERRARI -- NIGHT
Mitch rockets down Sunset Boulevard. Dave looks nauseous.
87.
DAVE
I don't feel good about this.
MITCH
Relax: you're dressed cool, your
hair is crushing it, your ballsack
is taut and smooth, and you're way
better looking than you've ever
been. Just remember Uncle Mitch's
Golden Rule of Dating.
DAVE
I know, always use an alias.
MITCH
What? No. No, my Golden Rule of
Dating is always find the fun.
Think of it like this: for the next
two hours, you're stuck with this
chick. Doesn't matter if she's cool
or crazy or if she was born with a
vagina on her forehead -- you're
stuck, so make the most of it. I
dated this chick named Topaz once
who may or may not have killed her
father. Long story short, she
looked like 50 miles of bad road
and I wasn't interested, but I used
our time together to learn about
incest and the failures of the
American Appellate Court system. I
found it hugely informative, and
Topaz got caught up in my
enthusiasm and gave me a crying
blowjob on the car-ride home, so
everybody won. The point is: find
the fun for yourself and great
things will follow.
Dave looks horrified as they roll up to RICHTER'S, a chic
steakhouse.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Power hug.
Mitch hugs a still-speechless Dave...
MITCH (CONT'D)
Now go on. Make daddy proud.
CUT TO:
88.
INT. RICHTER'S RESTAURANT -- A SHORT WHILE LATER
Richter's is dark, elegant, romantic. Dave sits at a candle-
lit table, anxiously folding and unfolding sugar packets.
Then Sabrina enters, looking stunning in a snug red dress,
and gazes around the restaurant. Dave's heart skips a beat,
and he waves her over. She approaches, smiling.
SABRINA
Hey!
DAVE
Hey. Hi. Hello.
He awkwardly goes to kiss her cheek while she goes for a
handshake. It's awkward/cute.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Oh -- whoop -- okay.
They sit. Dave stares at her, terrified. Then he blurts out:
DAVE (CONT'D)
Do you like Googoo Lady?!
SABRINA
What. . .what is that?
DAVE
I-I don't know! I really don't!
Sabrina smiles politely and looks around for a waiter. Dave
winces, hating himself to the very core of his being...
SABRINA
So. How long have you known Dave?
DAVE
M-My whole life, actually.
SABRINA
Annnd have you ever seen him act
like he did yesterday?
DAVE
What, like a total douchebag?
She LAUGHS. Dave can't believe it. He loosens up a bit.
89.
DAVE (CONT'D)
That's not fair. Dave...Dave isn't
himself right now. I hope he didn't
say anything to offend you...
SABRINA
No. I mean, he totally did, but
it's fine. I have brothers.
Dave pours both of them a glass of wine, finding his rhythm.
DAVE
So. You like working with Dave?
SABRINA
I love it. He's the best.
DAVE
Isn't he just?
SABRINA
I.. .eh, nevermind.
DAVE
No, go on.
SABRINA
I actually used to sort of have a
crush on him, if you must know...
DAVE
(LAUGHING)
You did? That's so... ironic!
SABRINA
I mean, he's married, so
obviously...
DAVE
Right. Obviously. Well, I'm just
like Dave, only way more handsome.
She laughs. Dave smiles back, his confidence growing, as we
TIME DISSOLVE TO:
DAVE AND SABRINA TALKING AND LAUGHING
as they meander through the courses of their meal. We've
never seen Dave so animated and alive and happy...
TIME DISSOLVE TO:
90.
EXT. RICHTER'S RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Dave and Sabrina exit the restaurant. It's a warm night.
DAVE
Well, I had a great time...
SABRINA
Oh -- are we done? It's only 2.
DAVE
Right! No! What are we, lame
married people? Let's go to a
rave...or something? Do people...
still do that? Raving?
SABRINA
My friend is spinning afterhours at
Foxtail, if you want...?
DAVE
(CONFUSED)
Spinning? Is that with the bikes?
Sabrina laughs and takes his arm.
SABRINA
You're so funny! Come on!
EXT. FOXTAIL NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT
A line of HIPSTERS wait outside Foxtail. Holding Dave's hand,
Sabrina cuts the line, kisses the BOUNCER on the cheek, and
he lets them inside. Dave nods, awesome...
INT. FOXTAIL NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT
Dave and Sabrina get down on the sweaty, crowded dance floor.
The house music is deafening and the lights are hypnotizing
and everyone is having the time of their lives.
Dave, his shirt half-open, moves sensually in sync with
Sabrina, both of them possessed by the music. They're inches
apart and her dress and hair fly about in all the right ways.
INT. FOXTAIL NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT
Foxtail is closed, but Dave, with Sabrina on his lap, sits in
a booth drinking champagne with DJ BASSNECTAR and all of his
ridiculously cool friends. Dave tells a joke and everyone
laughs -- including KIEFER SUTHERLAND, who's sitting next to
him; Kiefer slaps Dave five. Nice!
91.
INT. DOWNTOWN LOFT -- NIGHT
Dave, Sabrina, Bassnectar, Kiefer Sutherland, and a group of
hipsters play poker in Kiefer's unbelievable DOWNTOWN LOFT.
Music blasts, beer bottles litter the table, and everyone is
having fun. Sabrina wins a hand and does a victory dance...
EXT. WEST HOLLYWOOD STREET -- NIGHT
Dave walks Sabrina home along her quaint, tree-lined street.
DAVE
Now that was a first date...
SABRINA
For a guy with a poker table in his
living room, Kiefer Sutherland is
surprisingly bad at poker.
DAVE
I know. I'm not even sure he
understood the rules...
She laughs. Then they stop in front of her apartment. Beat.
SABRINA
It's so weird, I feel like I've
known you for longer than just one
night...
DAVE
Yeah. Me too...
There's a lull for a kiss. Dave hesitates...so Sabrina moves
in and kisses him. It's sweet but passionate... When it's
over, Dave can barely speak:
DAVE (CONT'D)
Can...Can, um, can I call you
sometime? Do people still say that?
SABRINA
Yes -- and you'd better.
DAVE
Okay. Well. Good night, Sabrina.
SABRINA
Good night, Mitch.
92.
She gives him a thoughtful smile then disappears inside. Dave
waits a second, then does a victorious karate chop, YES!
DISSOLVE TO:
A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY MORNING
Light floods into Mitch's apartment. Dave wakes up and looks
at the clock: 9:02.
DAVE
Fuck that.
He rolls over and goes back to sleep, a smile on his face...
EXT. TOAST -- DAY
Dave sits at an outdoor table, reading a novel and taking his
time with brunch. He sees a BUSINESSMAN wolfing down his food
and running off to his car, yelling into his cell phone,
stressed out of his mind. Dave smiles and keeps reading...
INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM -- DAY
Dave sits on the toilet, reading his novel and taking a
leisurely shit. We hear the clean KER-PLOP of a solid poo
hitting the toilet water, and Dave closes his eyes, nice...
EXT. BATTING CAGES -- DAY
Dave, in a Dodgers jersey, tees off on baseballs in a batting
cage. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! It feels great...
EXT. JUNGLE -- MOVIE SET -- DAY
Dave, holding a cross-bow and wearing a loincloth, has fake
sex with his CO-STAR on a jungle set; their mid-sections are
conveniently obscured by a giant fern.
Dave is selling it, and when Valtan calls cut, the whole CREW
applauds, wildly impressed. Dave waves them off, bashful...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- DAY
Looking hip in jeans, flip flops, and a mildly ironic tee
shirt, Dave breezes into his office to find Mitch, in a
pressed suit, intently studying a legal casebook at his desk.
DAVE
Well, well, look who's all growns
up.
93.
Dave crashes on the couch, happy. Mitch looks annoyed:
MITCH
Really? Open-toed sandals at work?
DAVE
Are...Are you kidding me?
MITCH
Look, I can't hang right now, okay?
I've got the mediation in like ten
minutes.
Dave stands right back up, surprised and impressed.
DAVE
Wow. Okay. Well, I just wanted t
tell you that if you can get a
protracted buyout for anything over
700 million dollars, take it, okay?
MITCH
700 million, you got it.
DAVE
(heading for the door)
Also, I wanted to thank you for
setting me up with Sabrina. She's
amazing. I can't wait to see her
AGAIN TONIGHT--
MITCH
What?! Dave: No. You can't, you
have to wait at least a week!
Dave reaches for his cellphone as he heads out the door.
DAVE
Which reminds me, I wanted to call
to see if she got the flowers...
MITCH
You sent her flowers after one
date?! Are you retarded?! Do not
get me into a relationship, dude!
Too late. Dave is already gone. Mitch scowls. Then:
MITCH (CONT'D)
You can come out now, Gladys...
A second later, GLADYS, in a form-fitting suit and a sexy new
bob, crawls out from under his desk. Mitch zips up his pants.
94.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Look, honey, I don't think this is
WORKING OUT--
Gladys YANKS him by the tie and gets in his face, wild-eyed:
GLADYS
I haven't had sex in 34 years! This
isn't over tit I su e' it's over.
MITCH
F-Fine, but can you please stop
following me to the bathroom and
calling my house late at night and
sending me all those filthy emails?
It's, you know, deeply disturbing.
GLADYS
You need to realize something, boy:
(whispering in his ear)
I fucking own you now.
The old lady aggressively makes out with Mitch. Her tongue
roams from his mouth and madly licks his face, neck, and
forehead. Eventually they separate. Mitch looks stunned.
GLADYS (CONT'D)
I left you a little souvenir in
your pocket...
She winks and exits. Mitch tentatively reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a giant pair of TAN GRANNY PANTIES.
MITCH
I've created a monster...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES -- DAY
A line of limousines roll up to Dave's building and dozens of
stone-faced EXECUTIVES from both companies file out...
INT. LAW FIRM -- CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY
KEN KINKABE and a slew of his EXECS sit on one side of the
massive conference table. Sitting across from them are CEO
TED NORTON, Mitch, Flemming Steel III, and a bevy of
Amalgamated execs. No one speaks. It's a corporate staredown.
Then the mediator, ERIN WALSH, 50's, enters, all business:
95.
ERIN WALSH
Thank you all for coming. My name
is Erin Walsh and I will be
mediating your claim today...
Mitch makes the "I'm gonna slit your fucking throat" gesture
to Ken Kinkabe, who recoils, what the...:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SIDE ROOM -- LATER
The mediation has broken into two separate rooms. The
Amalgamated team sits in their shirtsleeves, waiting in tense
silence. PAPERS litter the table. They've been here a while.
A large tray of sandwiches sits half-eaten on the sideboard.
Mitch jams the last piece of a ham sandwich into his mouth,
swallows it, and holds up his hands, victorious!
MITCH
14! 14 sandwiches and 9 Diet
Slice's! Pay up, cocksucker!
An EXEC gives him a 5 dollar bill. Mitch waves it in the air
and HUMS the Olympic theme song. Flemming just glares at him
like, you're so fired. Then the mediator enters.
ERIN WALSH
Kinkabe agrees in principle to the
terms of the sale, and valuates
your company at 725 million
dollars. This is their last and
final offer. I'll be outside.
She exits. CEO Ted Norton looks at Flemming, intense.
FLEMMING STEEL III
It's a fair deal. I don't think
we'll get much more out of them...
The other execs all nod. Then Mitch BURRRRPS:
MITCH
Fuck that, dude, you can do better.
CEO TED NORTON
I beg your pardon?
FLEMMING STEEL III
Shut your mouth, Lockwood--!
96.
MITCH
Look, this is just like when you're
trying to fuck a Jewish girl and
she keeps saying "no, no, I don't
want to, I'm really drunk and
you're not circumcised" but then
she keeps making out with you and
not getting out of your Fiero so
you know she really does want it,
she just needs to be nudged a bit
more so she can rationalize it to
herself and to her God, know what I
mean? This is just like that.
Everyone in the room is speechless. Mitch opens another soda.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Jesus I do not feel good.
FLEMMING STEEL III
How is this...at all... like that?
MITCH
If this was really their final
offer, they'd leave. Instead,
they're sticking around, which
means they have more money to
spend.
Ted looks at his execs. It's not a terrible point...
CEO TED NORTON
How much more do you think we can
get out of them? 10 million? 15?
MITCH
Fuck it, homey, go for 100.
CEO TED NORTON
What?!
FLEMMING STEEL III
Do not listen to him, Ted, he is
beyond reckless! If we make too
large a counter-offer, we risk
driving them away.
MITCH
Enh, can't hurt to ask. You
wouldn't believe the nasty shit I
get girls to do just by asking.
Honestly, it's revolting.
97.
Ted looks genuinely torn. He dabs his sweaty brow.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Seriously, does anyone have a
Pepto? Because I'm gonna throw.
Finally, Ted opens the door and says to the mediator:
CEO TED NORTON
Tell Kinkabe we want an extra 100
million and that is our final
offer, because we're leaving.
(loudly, to his execs)
Fuel the jet. Let's go.
The mediator heads off as the execs start packing up their
briefcases, bluffing. Mitch points at Ted.
MITCH
Nice, bro. Way to show some sack.
CEO TED NORTON
You had better be right, son, or
else I am most definitely fired.
MITCH
Hey, me too. Bones.
He extends his fist. Ted ignores him and gathers his things.
EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES -- A SHORT WHILE LATER
Ted Norton and all his execs hurry out of the building,
briefcases in hand, looking ashen. They head for their long
line of idling limos. Ted hisses to Flemming:
CEO TED NORTON
I can't believe we just walked away
from 725 million dollars.
FLEMMING STEEL III
For the record, I did not support
THAT DECISION--:
VOICE BEHIND THEM
Mr. Norton?! Sir?!
They turn to see the mediator jogging out of the building.
ERIN WALSH
Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has agreed to the
825 million. The deal is closed.
98.
A shocked CHEER rises up from the execs! Hugs and handshakes
all around! Ted pumps Mitch's hand, ecstatic.
CEO TED NORTON
Helluva job! I owe you my life!
MITCH
Fuck it. Helping ridiculously rich
people become even more
ridiculously rich is why I go to
work every day.
CEO TED NORTON
Well, you are bar none the best
attorney I've ever worked with!
MITCH
I am?! Fuck, I've never really been
good at anything before...
Mitch considers this a second, then laughs, proud.
MITCH (CONT'D)
Gimme me a hug you tiny capitalist!
Mitch hugs Ted and lifts him off the ground, spinning him.
MITCH (CONT'D)
I love you so much...
CUT TO:
EXT. DODGERS STADIUM -- DAY
A perfect, sunny day game at Dodgers stadium. Dave and
Sabrina take their seats behind home plate.
DAVE
(AMAZED)
These are your grandfather's seats?
SABRINA
Yeah, my family's been coming to
Dodger games since they moved here
from Brooklyn in '58.
Dave looks at her, his amazement only growing...
DAVE
Really? Who's your favorite Dodger?
SABRINA
Fernando, obviously.
99.
Blown away, Dave unzips his jacket to reveal a throwback
number 34 Fernando Valenzuela jersey. She laughs.
SABRINA (CONT'D)
No way!
DAVE
It's too soon to say I love you,
right? That's against the rules?
she laughs and kisses him.
SABRINA
You're cute.
Smiling, Dave looks out at the perfect ball field, his arm
around Sabrina-he looks profoundly... existentially.. .happy.
And then his iPhone RINGS. He answers it:
DAVE
Mitch Planko who the fuck is this.
INTERCUT WITH: DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
sitting at her desk, talking on the phone and doing WHIPPETS
off a can of Reddi-Wip; twenty empty cans litter her desk.
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
This is Carla Nelson from the Los
Angeles Department of Parks.
DAVE
Oh my God, hi!
Dave steps away to take the call. Carla does another whippet.
DAVE (CONT'D)
What's.. .going on?
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
We found that fountain. It's in our
San Pedro warehouse.
Dave glances back at Sabrina... and winces, conflicted:
DAVE
And... and how long is it going to
be there?
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
It ships out tonight for repairs.
100.
DAVE
And after that?
DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
(doing another whippet)
No fucking clue, dude.
Dave gets a CALL WAITING BEEP.
DAVE
Right. Okay, well thanks, Carla.
(clicking over to other line)
Hello?
INTERCUT WITH: MITCH
He's walking down the hall of his law firm, on the phone, as
all of his peers step from their offices, APPLAUDING his
victory, slapping him on the back, shaking his hand.
MITCH
You hear about the fountain?
DAVE
Yeah... We should probably switch
back, huh?
Mitch high-fives a co-worker.
MITCH
Sure. Right. I mean... the funny
thing is...I was just starting to
enjoy your life a little bit...
DAVE
Yeah, and I was just starting to
enjoy yours, too...
MITCH
Really?
DAVE
Really.
MITCH
So.. .maybe we should keep going--?
DAVE
I'm so glad you said that.
MITCH
I'm so glad I said that too! Your
life rocks!
(MORE)
101.
MITCH (CONT'D)
I just closed the Amalgamated deal
for 825 million dollars and for the
first time ever, people actually
respect me! It's so weird! Word is
they're going to make me partner
tonight! I love your life, dude!
DAVE
And I love yours! All the free time
and the fun activities and I'm
really growing as an actor and I
think Sabrina might actually have
intercourse with me tonight!
MITCH
Dude, you sent her flowers -- she's
gonna fuck you like a crack whore
on rent day.
DAVE
So, wait, what are we talking about
here? Staying like this... forever:
MITCH
No! Course not.
DAVE
Right! That's crazy...
Beat.
MITCH
Is it though...?
Mitch bumps fists with smiling co-workers...
Dave watches Sabrina CHEER after a base hit...
DAVE
It's so strange, when the change-up
happened, we were so focussed on
switching back into our bodies that
we didn't even consider that this
might be exactly what we both
needed...
MITCH
Yeah, we're fucking morons.
DAVE
All right, well, see ya, Dave...
MITCH
Take it easy, Mitch...
102.
They both hang up, surprised smiles on their faces...
SMASH CUT TO:
A DEAFENING THUNDER-CLAP
RAIN blankets Los Angeles that night. It's an epic storm...
INT. CUT RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
The private back room of this upscale Beverly Hills eatery is
filled with the esteemed PARTNERS of Steel, Kuhbach, McCloud,
as well as Mitch, Jamie, and little Cara. Everyone's dressed
to the nines and enjoying fabulously overpriced food and
drink. Then Flemming stands and DINGS his wine glass.
FLEMMING STEEL III
Good evening, one and all!
The room quiets as a PROJECTION SCREEN lowers behind him.
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
We are gathered here tonight to
celebrate the newest partner in our
esteemed firm. For those of you who
haven't had the pleasure of working
with this brilliant young man,
we've prepared this short, mildly
embarrassing presentation to
introduce him. Please, enjoy...
Mitch looks at Jamie, who smiles conspiratorially. Behind the
table, Gladys turns on a projector. Some Dido song plays as,
on the SCREEN, we start to see PHOTOS from Dave's life...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
David Andrew Lockwood was born on
February 1st, 1974, in Palmdale...
SHOTS of Dave as a baby appear. Everyone AWWW's. Jamie takes
Mitch's hand...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
Dave was a sweet, diligent, hard-
working little boy...
A SHOT of boyhood Dave in a very dorky 70's Little League
outfit flashes onto the screen...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
In high school, Dave belonged to
over 17 clubs and teams, and
graduated first in his class...
103.
SHOTS play of Dave in 80's high school apparel, arguing for
the debate team, wearing a goofy beret at French Club, etc...
Everyone LAUGHS. Jamie smiles at Mitch, only he looks a
little troubled: this is not my life...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
After winning a full scholarship to
Princeton, Dave amazingly graduated
in just three years...
A SHOT of college-age Dave getting his diploma appears...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
And, after graduating from Yale Law
School with high honors, Dave
clerked for Justice Souter on the
United States Supreme Court...
A SHOT of young Dave talking with Justice Souter plays...
Around the table, the partners MURMUR, impressed. Mitch grows
increasingly uncomfortable, shifting in his seat...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
Shortly after, Dave returned west
to marry his lifelong best friend,
Jamie Anne Johnson...
SHOTS roll of Dave and Jamie on their wedding day, laughing.
Jamie squeezes Mitch's hand, a happy mist in her eyes. Mitch
frowns: this is not my wife...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
Cara came along first, followed by
the twins, Peter and Sarah...
SHOTS of Dave, wearing scrubs, happily holding his various
newborn babies in the hospital flash onto the screen...
Cara leans over to Mitch and whispers:
CARA
Look, Daddy, it's you and me!
Mitch forces a tight smile, right...
FLEMMING STEEL III
And somewhere along the way, we
were lucky enough to find him...
104.
SHOTS roll of Dave as a lawyer, swearing in at the Bar,
arguing in court, and, finally, celebrating today's victory.
The image fades as the lights in the room slowly rise...
FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
Industrious. Ambitious. Honorable.
They were true of him then, they
are even more true of him now. It
is my distinct honor to introduce
our newest partner, David Lockwood.
The room breaks into heartfelt APPLAUSE.
PARTNERS
HUZZAH! HUZZAH:
Mitch squirms, hating this... Jamie leans over to him:
JAMIE
I'm so proud of you, baby. You
worked so hard for this...
Mitch winces, knowing just how wrong she is. All around him,
the partners stand, APPLAUDING. Mitch stands, a bit dizzy.
MITCH
I-I'm sorry...I just...
He hurries off towards the bathroom. Everyone looks confused.
CUT TO:
INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Rain pours down outside. Then Dave and Sabrina, soaking wet
in their Dodgers gear, run into the apartment.
SABRINA
Oh my god, I'm soaking--
(taking in barren apartment)
Wait, are you a single guy?
Dave laughs and throws her a towel from the bathroom. She
starts drying her hair.
SABRINA (CONT'D)
I need a beer and some dry clothes.
When Dave passes her, though, she stops him, and starts
kissing him...
105.
SABRINA (CONT'D)
Or maybe...mmm...maybe just a beer.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. CUT RESTAURANT -- MEN'S ROOM -- NIGHT
Mitch stands in the restaurant's upscale men's room, staring
at himself in the mirror, lost...
MITCH
What am I doing...? This isn't my
life...
VOICE
Good evening, Mr. Lockwood...
He spins to see Gladys in the doorway, vamping, sexy...
MITCH
Oh no. Gladys, not now--
GLADYS
(approaching, coy)
I'm not wearing any bloomers...
MITCH
I thought we talked about not using
THAT WORD--
WHAM! She throws him against the bathroom wall and starts
aggressively undressing him.
GLADYS
What's bothering you, Mr. Lockwood?
MITCH
Look, Gladys, I love bathroom sex
as much as the next guy, but--
She SPITS in his face, crazy-eyed.
GLADYS
TELL ME WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU!
MITCH
(wiping face, a bit scared)
O-Okay? Well, I guess what's
bothering me is...I didn't earn any
of this, you know?
Gladys rips open his shirt and starts licking his chest
downward until she disappears OUT OF FRAME.
106.
MITCH (CONT'D)
And I know what you're thinking:
Mitch, not earning things never
used to bother you, why does it
bother you now? And the answer is:
maybe I'm growing up.
We hear the sound of his pants UNZIPPING...
MITCH (CONT'D)
I mean, sure, I closed the deal
today, and that felt good, but I
didn't put in all the years of hard
work that got Dave to this point,
you know? Plus, those aren't my
adorable kids, that's not my
beautiful wife, you're not even my
freaky deaky old lady secretary. I
want to earn this stuff--
Just then FLEMMING STEEL III BLOWS IN -- and stops cold:
FLEMMING STEEL III
GOOD GOD MAN!
GO WIDE to see that Gladys is in the Reverse Wheelbarrow
position, her palms on the bathroom floor, her feet against
the bathroom wall, with Mitch between her legs, his pants
around his ankles. Mitch sees his boss -- and freezes.
MITCH
Uh oh.
FLEMMING STEEL III
THE REVERSE WHEELBARROW?.
Mitch and Gladys disengage and straighten themselves.
MITCH
Sir, it's not my fault--!
FLEMMING STEEL III
Have you forgotten everything you
learned in law school?! You can't
screw a direct hire! How can we
possibly make you a partner now?!
You're completely exposed--!
We hear a GASP from the doorway. Everyone turns to see Jamie
-- she's heard the whole thing. Mitch quickly zips his pants.
107.
JAMIE
I thought you might be having an
affair... but not with Gladys:
GLADYS
Age-ist.
MITCH
Jamie, you gotta believe me, this
woman is a predator--!
JAMIE
You know what? No. I can't do this
anymore. I want you out of the
house by the time the kids wake up.
MITCH
Jamie--!
Too late. She runs off, choking back tears...
EXT. CUT RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Fastening his belt, Mitch sprints out of the restaurant,
desperate -- but Jamie is already SQUEALING away in her car.
MITCH
FUCK! Fuck...
He stands in the rain, overcome with self-loathing...
CUT TO:
INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Dave, in dry clothes, sits on his couch, happily drinking a
beer and watching SportsCenter. He calls into the bedroom.
DAVE
You find anything that fits?
Then Sabrina appears in the doorway, wearing one of his old
tee shirts-and panties.. .and nothing else... she's unreal...
SABRINA
This is all I could find...
DAVE
(WIDE-EYED)
Holy shit.
As she bends over to dim the lamp, her tee shirt rides up --
exposing her perfectly tan, arched back...
108.
DAVE (CONT'D)
(hyperventilating, to himself)
Please don't come, please don't
COME--
And then he stops short. On Sabrina's lower back is a cute
tramp stamp tattoo of a BUTTERFLY.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Oh my God: a Many-Spotted
Skipperlinq...
And everything comes rushing back. His family. His wife. His
entire life. He looks overcome with emotion...
Sabrina notices as she slides onto the couch with him.
SABRINA
Is everything okay, baby...?
DAVE
Yeah, no, I just...
Dave rubs his temples, overwhelmed...
DAVE (CONT'D)
I can't do this.
SABRINA
Why not--?
Just then the door flies open and
JAMIE STORMS INSIDE
soaking wet, hysterical, her mascara running all over.
JAMIE
Dave is cheating on me!
Dave quickly covers his hard-on with a pillow.
DAVE
No I'm not! I'm so not!
JAMIE
How could you lie to me, Mitch?!
We've known each other for--!
Then Jamie sees scantily-clad Sabrina and stops.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Oh.
109.
SABRINA
(COVERING HERSELF)
Who is this chick?!
DAVE
(stammering, pointing)
Umm...she's...uh...this just got
very complicated...
JAMIE
I'm sorry -- I'm Jamie, the wife of
one of Mitch's friends.
SABRINA
Wait, Jamie Lockwood? Dave's wife?
JAMIE
You know the prick?!
SABRINA
Yeah, we work together. He cheated
on you?
JAMIE
Yes, with his secretary, Gladys!
DAVE
What?!
SABRINA
Of all the women in the office, he
picked her?!
Slightly awkward beat.
DAVE
Look, Jamie, I didn't know about
Gladys, I swear. But I'm sure she
means absolutely nothing to Dave--!
JAMIE
No! No more excuses! The next time
you see my asshole husband tell him
that I will never. Ever. Take him
back, you got that?!
Dave nods quickly, terrified.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Sabrina! It was nice to meet you!
110.
Barely holding it together, Jamie wheels and exits, SLAMMING
the door behind her. Dave just stands there, holy shit...
CUT TO:
INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Mitch sadly packs children's snacks and Capri Sun's into a
duffel bag in the darkened kitchen, hating himself. Then:
CARA
Daddy?
Mitch turns to see Cara, small and fragile in the doorway.
CARA (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
MITCH
Oh, angel, it's nothing. I'm just
going away for a little while...
CARA
Why?
MITCH
It's... confusing grown-up stuff--
CARA
Try me.
MITCH
O-Okay? Well. I'm leaving because
I'm a fuck up. Do you know what a
fuck up is?
CARA
(NODDING)
Like Uncle Mitch.
MITCH
Right. Right. Well, I thought this
time was different, you know? I
thought I actually did something
right for once. But no, I'm still
the same old fuck up I've always
been. Only this time I really
fucking fucked up, because I fucked
up my life and my best friend's
life...
Mitch zips up his bag, full of regret -- and finds Cara
hugging his leg.
CARA
I don't think you're a fuck up.
He crouches down and looks at her, getting choked up...
MITCH
Thanks, sweetie, but your brain is
the size of a radish. I am a fuck
up. I always have been, and I
always will be. Guys like me, we
know how to have fun, but we don't
know how to do the important stuff,
you know...? Be good, okay, kiddo?
She nods, confused. He kisses her head and exits, emotional.
CUT TO:
INT. BMW STATION WAGON -- NIGHT
The rain still pours down. Jamie, tears streaking her face,
drives home in stop-and-go traffic. Then, through her side
window, we see Dave sprinting alongside her car, waving!
DAVE
JAMIE!
Not seeing him, she accelerates forward and Dave disappears
from view. . .until she stops, and Dave catches up again:
DAVE (CONT'D)
JAMIE!
Still not seeing him, Jamie accelerates onto
THE 101 FREEWAY
where the stop-and-go traffic moves only slightly faster.
Jamie continues quietly CRYING to herself... Then we see
DAVE RUNNING ALONG THE SHOULDER OF THE 101
in the driving rain, waving his hands and yelling!
DAVE
JESUS JAMIE! LOOK RIGHT!
Finally, she glances over, sees Dave -- and startles:
JAMIE
Mitch?
112.
DAVE
PLEASE PULL OVER BEFORE I DIE!
Jamie, stunned, pulls onto the shoulder and stops. A second
later, Dave hops into the car, soaking wet and panting.
JAMIE
What is the matter with you?!
DAVE
Look, I know I haven't been a very
good husband or father recently...
JAMIE
What are you talking about--?
DAVE
But I'm done looking over the fence
for something better. I've seen
what's on the other side, and it's
great. . .and young... and supple...
but it's not you. And the truth is
there will always be another fence
with shinier toys on the other
side, but the only way to be happy
is to say fuck the fence and just
appreciate what you have, you know?
Find the fun with what you got...
JAMIE
O-Okay?
DAVE
I'm so sorry I stopped appreciating
you, pumpkin. I love you. And I
love our weird little kids. And I
can't believe I ever thought that
wasn't enough.
JAMIE
Why...are you calling me pumpkin?
And then he kisses her. She resists--
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Mitch--?.
But he holds her firm. And soon she's kissing him back,
confused and overwhelmed and crying...
It's emotional and intense for him, too. They finally
separate, but remain inches apart, breathing hard.
113.
Jamie stares into his eyes, amazed:
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Dave?
Dave nods. Jamie squints, trying to understand.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
But...how?
Dave shakes his head, I don't know...
JAMIE (CONT'D)
So...then ...Mitch was the one...
with Gladys?
Dave nods again. Jamie looks relieved... Then she stops.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
Wait, so who was that hot young
thing back in the apartment?
DAVE
Nothing happened, I swear.
JAMIE
Okay. But-we're going to need to
talk about this.
DAVE
Yes. Totally.
JAMIE
Like, a lot. Like, a-therapy-lot.
DAVE
Absolutely: therapy, trust falls,
The Landmark Forum, Eat Pray Love,
I'll do whatever the fuck you want,
Jamie, I just want you back...
She smiles and kisses him again. And then again.
JAMIE
I kind of like kissing Mitch.
DAVE
Yeah, I noticed. I'm not sure how I
feel about this.
JAMIE
(giggling, kissing him again)
So ...mmm...so what do we do now?
114.
Dave suddenly remembers the fountain and looks at his watch.
DAVE
Oh shit! We gotta go!
CUT TO:
EXT. LOS ANGELES -- NIGHT
As the rain tapers off, Jamie rockets through LA, running red
lights, skidding through turns, splashing through puddles!
EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- NIGHT
Jamie and Dave squeal up to their house to see Mitch, out
front, sadly trying to pack a Barcalounger into his Ferrari.
DAVE
Mitch! Get in!
MITCH
Dave?
DAVE
Get in!
MITCH
(squinting inside car)
Is that Jamie?
JAMIE
Get in the fucking car, dipshit!
Mitch, terrified, sprints to the car and hops in.
INT. JAMIE'S STATION WAGON -- NIGHT
Jamie races through LA at 80 mph. Dave sits shotgun, and
Mitch sits in the back, wide-eyed, scared:
MITCH
So, um, are you guys driving me to
the desert to kill me?
DAVE
No. Jamie knows about the change-
up. We're all good.
JAMIE
It suddenly makes a lot more sense
why you spent so much time rubbing
my breastfeeding cream onto my
boobs every night.
115.
DAVE
Really, dude?
MITCH
I was just...trying to be helpful.
JAMIE
Oh, and what about that time you--?
DAVE
You know what? I don't want to
know! Let's just hope we get to the
warehouse before they ship off our
fountain...
Off Dave's concerned look we
CUT TO:
EXT. SAN PEDRO -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT
The Port of Los Angeles never sleeps. Huge diesel cranes load
and unload freighters as tractor trailers THUNDER to and fro.
EXT. WAREHOUSE ROW -- NIGHT
The street is lined with WAREHOUSES. Beat. Then Jamie skids
around the corner, Tokyo Drift-style, in her station wagon!
DAVE (O.S.)
There it is!
Jamie screeches up to a warehouse labelled L.A. DEPARTMENT OF
PARKS; she, Mitch and Dave pile out of the car and run into
THE IMMENSE WAREHOUSE
where they sprint down the towering aisles, past park signs,
swingsets, jungle gyms -- and finally, fountains.
DAVE (CONT'D)
There!
Four WORKMEN pack the FOUNTAIN OF METIS into a large wooden
crate for transport. Jamie, Mitch and Dave run over to them.
MITCH
Wait! Stop!
The workmen stop packing the fountain, confused.
DAVE
We...We need that fountain.
116.
WORKMAN #1
You.. .need this fountain?
MITCH
Yes. We have to pee in it.
DAVE
It's a magic fountain.
The workmen just look at them, deadpan. Then Dave reaches
into his wallet and starts pulling out CASH--
SMASH CUT TO:
MITCH AND DAVE STANDING SIDE BY SIDE AT THE FOUNTAIN
with their pants down around their ankles. Dave starts
PEEING. Mitch doesn't. Dave hisses at him:
DAVE
Come on, open the floodgates!
MITCH
I can't pee with them watching!
PAN OVER to the workmen, standing nearby, looking at Mitch
and Dave like they're total freaks.
DAVE
Well I can't keep going forever!
Mitch tilts his head back and quietly sings to himself:
MITCH
The sun is shining all the time,
Looks like another perfect day, I
love L.A. We love it! I love L.A...
DAVE
Are you singing Randy Newman--?
Then we hear a second stream of PEE hit the fountain.
MITCH
Oh thank god.
DAVE
Okay, quick, we have to hug!
MITCH
(glancing back at workmen)
Do we, though?
117.
DAVE
Yes, we have to do everything
exactly the same! Come on!
As they scootch together and put their arms around each
other, Mitch calls over to the workmen:
MITCH
Just so you know, this isn't gay!
Our penises aren't even touching--!
DAVE
Come on: "I wish I had my old life
back" on three! One, two:
MITCH DAVE
I wish I had my old life I wish I had my old life
back! back!
JUST THEN A THUNDER CLAP CRASHES OUTSIDE
The lights in the warehouse flicker. Dave and Mitch finish
peeing and slowly zip up, exchanging a worried look...
DAVE
You think it worked?
MITCH
How the fuck should I know?
(waving to workmen)
Thank you! Have a pleasant evening!
CUT TO:
PEACEFUL BLACK STILLNESS
Then we hear a baby SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then we hear a
second baby join in, even more shrill than the first.
Finally, we hear the worst two words a parent can ever hear:
JAMIE (O.S.)
Your turn.
FOLLOWED BY:
DAVE (O.S.)
YES!
Dave turns on the light, rushes over to the mirror, and
touches his face, overjoyed, clearly back in the right body.
118.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Oh thank God. Thank God. Pumpkin,
it worked! I'm back!
JAMIE
(groggy, half-asleep)
Great, go feed the fucking babies.
She rolls over and goes back to sleep. He grins and runs out.
INT. NURSERY -- NIGHT
Dave cheerfully sings as he changes Sarah's diaper.
DAVE
You just vomited on my hand but I
love yooooou...
INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Dave bounces down the hallway, a twin in each arm, SCREAMING
into each of his ears and taking turns kicking his balls...
and he's grinning. In fact, he couldn't look happier.
CUT TO:
INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
Mitch slowly wakes up in his empty apartment. He stares at
the blank walls, a little bummed...
Then he startles when SABRINA rolls over, looking ravishing.
SABRINA
Last night was weird.
MITCH
Wasn't it?
SABRINA
So... are you ever going to have sex
with me?
MITCH
(SLOWLY SMILING)
Yes. Yes I am.
INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- DAY
Jamie is cleaning up the toys in the living room -- when Dave
nuzzles up to her from behind, seductive.
119.
DAVE
The twins are down for their nap,
Cara is watching The
Backyardigans...
Jamie raises her eyebrow, oh?
JAMIE
It's Tuesday...
DAVE
I know.
JAMIE
It's Tuesday morning.
DAVE
Tuesdays, Wednesdays, mornings,
late night, I'm like Denny's, baby,
I'm open 24-7.
She laughs, and he scoops her up and heads upstairs...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DAVE'S NEIGHBORHOOD -- DAYS LATER
The sun sets over LA. The MUSIC in the air and the cars
lining the street tell us that Dave is hosting a party...
EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BACKYARD
A "CONGRATS ON GETTING A JOB, MITCH!" banner hangs from the
swingset. Kids race about as adults drink, eat, and mingle.
Dave, in jeans and a tee shirt, works the barbecue and talks
to Mitch, in a jacket and tie, as he adjusts his crotch:
MITCH
I still can't get used to the whole
underwear thing. It's such a
SUPERFLUOUS LAYER--
Just then CARA runs up and hugs her Dad.
CARA
Hi Daddy!
DAVE
Sugar-bug!
MITCH
How's my favorite ballerina?!
120.
Cara turns, takes Mitch's hand, and flips him onto his back.
CARA
I'm not a ballerina anymore, bitch.
She races off. Mitch painfully pulls himself to his feet.
MITCH
Jesus fucking Christ...
Dave sees SABRINA, looking angelic in a sundress, chatting
with a circle of GUESTS on the patio.
DAVE
So. How's it going with Sabrina?
MITCH
Great. We just celebrated our two
week anniversary.
DAVE
Wow. Good for you.
Mitch nods, proud, I know. Swigs his beer.
MITCH
You think she's fucking Fernando
Valenzuela?
We see that the man she's talking to is, in fact, Dodger
great FERNANDO VALENZUELA, in a pimped-out white suit.
DAVE
Maybe.
MITCH
I'm oddly okay with it.
DAVE
I can't believe they're family
friends.
MITCH
I know. She really is perfect--
Just then TATIANA and KIEFER SUTHERLAND approach, wheeling
her newborn DAUGHTER in a pram.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND
I gotta go feed her baby, but
congrats on your new gig, bro.
121.
MITCH
Thanks, Kiefer. See you guys.
Mitch kisses Tatiana on the cheek and they head off.
MITCH (CONT'D)
It's creepy that Kiefer Sutherland
is like way into other people's
babies, right?
DAVE
Oh yeah.
Dave flips the burgers.
MITCH
Thanks again for hooking me up with
the job at Amalgamated, man.
DAVE
Hey, the CEO owed me a favor...
MITCH
I think I'm really going to crush
it in corporate America.
DAVE
I think so too.
Just then, MITCH'S DAD approaches.
MITCH, SR.
I'm heading out. Thanks for having
me.
Mitch, Sr. pulls his son into an emotional hug.
MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
I love you, Mitch.
MITCH
I love you too, Dad.
They break apart. Mitch, Sr. heads off. Then he stops. Turns.
MITCH, SR.
Hey Mitch...
Mitch turns.
MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
I'm real proud of you.
122.
Mitch nods, trying not to show how much this means to him.
Mitch, Sr., heads off.
Mitch and Dave stand side by side, reflective...
DAVE
Is it weird that I miss your penis?
MITCH
Not really.
SMASH TO BLACK.
