"BACHELOR PARTY"
Screenplay by
Neal Israel & Pat Proft
Story by
Bob Israel
SHOOTING DRAFT (1984)
FADE IN:
EXT. ST. ANN'S SCHOOL - DAY
CAMERA PANS a group of freshly-scrubbed, innocent children,
obediently standing in line, like recruits for the Holy
Crusade. PULL BACK to REVEAL they are wearing the gray
blazers, striped ties and navy slacks of St. Luke's School.
They are waiting patiently at the curbside in front of the
statue of the school's sainted namesake. One of the fifth
grade BOYS pokes the KID next to him with his elbow. The
other Kid is about to retaliate when SISTER MARY FRANCIS, a
stern-faced nun, appears behind them, grabbing them both
firmly by the shoulders.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
Make one more move and you'll both
be staying late for the rest of the
week.
THE BOYS
(softly; in unison)
Sorry, Sister Mary Francis.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
I didn't hear you.
THE BOYS
(louder)
Sorry, Sister Mary Francis.
Sister Mary Francis checks her watch. She scowls and looks
out past the parking lot gate.
Suddenly we HEAR the SOUND of an ENGINE roaring at full
throttle. There is a SCREECHING of BRAKES, followed by the
loud GRINDING of GEARS. It sounds like the Indy 500 is taking
place around the corner.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
(used to this)
Step away from the curb, children.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Zooming through the parking lot gates is a large yellow school
bus. It practically takes the last turn on just two wheels.
The bus driver quickly slams on the brakes, leaving ten feet
of rubber behind him as the bus comes to an ear-splitting
halt right in front of them. The front door immediately swings
open and RICK STAHL, the driver, hops out. Rick is the life
of the party, even when there isn't any party going on.
While chronologically older than the St. Luke students, the
only thing that sets him apart from them is that he has a
driver's license. Rick figures he'll live up to his
capabilities and get serious in his next life... This
incarnation's strictly for laughs. Sister Mary Francis steps
up to him.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
You're late again, Rick.
RICK
I know, Sister, but I have a very
good excuse.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
There can be no excuse for tardiness.
RICK
You're absolutely right. I should
never have stopped to save that
drowning infant. I'm just weak,
Sister; I'm so weak.
He starts sobbing softly into his hands.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
All right, stop that... Children, on
the bus.
The kids obediently file past Rick, who makes like he is
drying his tears with his handkerchief.
RICK
Sister, do you ever get lonely after
vespers? If you do, why don't you
give me a call. I'm in the book.
SISTER MARY FRANCIS
(smiling despite
herself)
Get going, Rick... you're late enough
as it is.
RICK
Right... Think it over.
He hops on the bus, closes the door and gently backs the bus
out of the parking lot.
INT. BUS - DAY
As soon as the bus is out of sight of the school, all hell
breaks loose. The formally well-mannered children are acting
like normal kids... hitting each other over the heads with
books, running up and down the aisles, screaming at the top
of their lungs.
ANGLE - RICK
He removes the St. Christopher statue from the dashboard,
revealing a hulaing Hawaiian girl in a grass skirt. He watches
the madness behind him in his rearview mirror, picks up the
P.A. microphone and rationally attempts to restore order.
RICK
(over mike)
If you don't all calm down I'm gonna
drive this thing over a cliff.
The kids pay no attention to him.
RICK
(continuing;
philosophically)
Ah... youth.
EXT. THE BUS
Rick's bus pulls up to a light and another school bus filled
with kids (from a public school) pulls up alongside of it.
The other DRIVER gives Rick a competitive smirk and guns his
engine. Rick counters by gunning his.
INT. THE BUS
All the kids start screaming "Race... race." "Wipe 'em out."
"Go for it." Etc. Some of the kids even start taking out
money and start betting one another on the race's outcome.
ANGLE - RICK
as he readies for action.
EXT. THE BUSES
The light turns green and they're off. Or as off as two lunky
school buses filled with kids can be.
WIDE SHOT - ANOTHER STREET
The two buses come zooming down the street.
INT. RICK'S BUS
The kids are screaming at Rick to go faster. One of the little
boys looks nauseous as he clutches the seat in front of him.
EXT. THE STREET - LOW ANGLE
The buses squeeze down a narrow street, neck and neck with
one another.
INT. THE BUS
The kids are all yelling words of encouragement to Rick, who
is hunched over in his seat, driving with the determination
of Andy Granitelli. The nauseous kid is now turning a pale
shade of green. He moves to an open window, straining to
control the inevitable.
EXT. THE BUSES
They race down a steep hill.
INT. THE BUS
The nauseous kid can't hold it any longer.
EXT. THE OTHER BUS
Something hits with a splat against the windshield that
resembles Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Soup.
INT. THE OTHER BUS
The other Driver turns on the windshield. It only makes it
worse.
EXT. THE STREET
Rick's bus pulls out in front, accompanied by the cheering
of his passengers. Suddenly a stop light looms ahead. Rick
puts on his brakes. Both buses stop just in time.
INT. RICK'S BUS
Rick's kids are all piled in a clump right behind him in the
front of the bus. Although disheveled, the kids still manage
a victorious cheer.
PHOTOGRAPHER'S POV
We're LOOKING THROUGH the camera lens. We SEE a cute one-
year-old baby boy. He's sitting on a cuddly blanket. We HEAR
the VOICE of Jay O'Neill. He is a baby photographer at Sears.
O'NEILL (O.S.)
Okay, Timmy... hold that smile...
and watch the birdie.
He takes the picture and we SEE the camera flash.
O'NEILL (O.S.)
There.
O'NEILL
We see he has his camera and backdrop set up in the camera
department behind a velour curtain which blacks out the rest
of the store. He's conservatively dressed in a suit, vest
and tie. He looks like he could be a Young Republican. But
under those Sears clothes is a man a little off center. Rick's
best friend. Need we say more? He takes the film out of the
camera. The matronly mother is in the process of gathering
up her baby.
O'NEILL
These should be in the mail to you
by next Friday.
She smiles and exits.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
Next.
A beautiful -- and we're talking gorgeous -- WOMAN enters.
Her clothes hug every curve of her body. She has her baby in
her arms. O'Neill immediately wants her, and now. His eyes
settle onto her full breasts. These he likes.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
Whoa. Look at those babies.
She gets this innuendo and loves it.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
How are we doing? My name is O'Neill.
And you are...?
WOMAN
Klupner.
(teasing)
Mrs. Klupner.
O'NEILL
Mrs.?
WOMAN
I'm separated.
O'NEILL
Then there is a God. Why don't we
take that baby picture.
He takes the baby. He has a hard time taking his eyes off
her breasts. He places the baby on the blanket.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
If I were you, I'd breast feed until
I was 17 or 18.
(gets behind camera;
sizing up the shot)
Tell ya what...
O'NEILL'S POV THROUGH CAMERA
We SEE the baby sitting on the blanket.
O'NEILL (O.S.)
Why don't you lean into the picture
with your child?
She coyly leans INTO FRAME.
O'NEILL (O.S.)
(continuing)
A-huh. A little more... good!
She is totally blocking her baby out of the picture.
O'NEILL
He gets out from behind the camera.
O'NEILL
I'm getting one heck of a glare off
your dress there. Could you undo a
few buttons?
WOMAN
(seductively)
Of course.
She starts to unbutton her blouse. O'Neill looks into his
camera.
O'NEILL'S POV THROUGH LENS
We SEE the Woman finish her last button.
O'NEILL (O.S.)
Now lean in a little more... more...
more...
As she complies, her breasts all but spill out of her dress.
O'NEILL (O.S.)
(continuing)
Hold that pose.
O'NEILL
He runs from behind the camera and poses with the woman.
THROUGH CAMERA LENS
We SEE a QUICK SERIES of camera flashes. Each pose finds him
near her breasts. He has them on his head. He's cheek to
breast. Etc.
RICK
enters and witnesses the photo session. He immediately jumps
into the shots.
THROUGH CAMERA LENS
Rick joins the craziness. After several beats, the Woman
gets bored and EXITS the FRAME.
THE WOMAN
As Rick and O'Neill continue mugging like two 12-year-olds
in a photo booth, the Woman takes her child and exits. A few
beats pass and the guys notice they're alone.
O'NEILL
Where'd she go?
RICK
She probably had sex scheduled for
12:30. O'Neill, let's pick up the
guys for a drink... I have major
news to announce.
O'Neill crosses to his camera and takes out the film.
O'NEILL
Okay... be right with ya.
RICK
He picks up some photographs of today's work.
INSERT - PHOTOS
Each one has a different mother in several seductive poses.
Their babies are barely visible, if at all.
RICK (O.S.)
Pictures a family will cherish
forever.
EXT. CHULO'S AUTO SHOP - DAY
Rick's school bus pulls into the yard of the auto shop.
Several Chicanos are working on various cars. Rick and O'Neill
hop out.
RICK
Hey, Chulo, where are you, man?
ANGLE - LATE-MODEL CAR
We SEE a very large pair of shoes sticking out from under
the chassis. Slowly, a large, bear-like body rolls out and
we catch our first glimpse of CHULO. A happy-go-lucky mechanic
of Mexican ancestry.
CHULO
Hey, you guys, what's going on?
RICK
We're going for a little liquid
refreshment.
CHULO
Great. I'll go with you. Wait a
second. Hey, Raul! Move that car,
will you?
A SMALL MECHANIC with an eye patch gets into a car behind
them as we DOLLY WITH the guys THROUGH the lot.
CHULO
(continuing)
Roberto, you finished fixing that
lighter yet?
Another MECHANIC sticks his face out of another car and shakes
his head. Just then Raul, the eye-patched worker, whizzes by
behind the guys, driving the car in a zig-zag pattern right
into traffic.
CHULO
(continuing; to Rick)
I'm glad you guys came by... What's
the occasion?
O'NEILL
Rick's got an important announcement
to make.
CHULO
Yeah. What is it?
RICK
I've decided not to run for President.
CHULO
Too bad, man, that blows my chance
to be Ambassador to France.
Behind them we can SEE Roberto fiddling with the lighter.
Suddenly flames leap out of the car, blowing Roberto ten
feet into the air.
ANGLE
The guys all start to pile into the bus. Nearby another
employee is washing down the garage with a hose.
Chulo turns to another mechanic, who has his head under the
hood of a car.
CHULO
Manuel, be sure and finish up the
electrical system on that Chevy.
Manuel waves at Chulo, who turns, hops on the bus. Rick starts
it up and starts to drive away. Just as the bus CLEARS FRAME,
we SEE Manuel connect two wires together at the same moment
the guy with the hose washes down the area around his feet.
Manuel lights up like a Christmas tree, screaming in pain.
There is a beat, and then Robert falls INTO FRAME, still
holding the cigarette lighter, and the car Raul is driving
enters the lot and smashes into the side of the garage.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
A sign on an office door says "CONCERT TICKET AGENCY." From
inside we HEAR someone TALKING loudly on the phone. Chulo,
Rick and O'Neill open the door and go inside. On the walls
in the cramped office there are rock 'n' roll concert posters
advertising rock bands like Men At Work, The Clash and Barry
Manilow. Behind a cluttered desk we FIND a little man with a
thin mustache and horn-rimmed glasses. This is GARY MELNITZ,
wheeler-dealer, entrepreneur and coward. Gary yells a lot,
which is a definite overcompensation for his size and
inability to deal with the opposite sex.
GARY
(yelling; into phone)
Screw you... Screw that... Don't
jerk me around. You promised me 1500
seats for the Police Concert... 1500,
not fifteen!... Screw that... Screw
you -- Screw Sting.
(hangs up and sees
the guys standing
there)
Hi, guys.
RICK
Gary, you're quite an animal.
GARY
Screw you...
The PHONE RINGS.
GARY
(continuing; into
phone)
Hello, Concert tickets... What? Pat
Benitar has a yeast infection? She's
cancelling? Screw her. You know what
this is gonna cost me?...
(he hangs up)
Okay. Let's go.
He gets up and they start for the door. Just then the PHONE
RINGS. Gary picks it up.
GARY
(annoyed)
Screw you... That's crap... Suck
my...
(softly)
Oh, Mom, I didn't know it was you...
eggs and milk... Okay, I won't forget.
He hangs up the phone and they start for the door again.
GARY
Let's go.
RICK
Isn't he incredible, gets along with
everybody.
CHULO
Yeah, he's really got his thing
together.
GARY
Oh, eat me!
The guys all laugh and exit.
INT. HARBORSIDE INN - DAY
It's a quiet restaurant near a Marina. A lot of business-
people in suits are eating.
TWO MALE CUSTOMERS
CUSTOMER ONE calls for a waiter.
CUSTOMER ONE
Waiter.
The WAITER approaches them from OUT OF FRAME.
CUSTOMER ONE
We'd like to order now.
ANOTHER ANGLE
We see their waiter, RYKO, a blond, tanned, muscular beach
bum who has definitely stayed out in the sun too long.
RYKO
How you guys doin'... Could you
believe how overcast it was this
morning? Bad day for sailin', waves
are too rough and...
CUSTOMER
(annoyed)
You can skip the small craft warnings.
We're in a hurry.
RYKO
No prob, bud... Here's today's
dealie...
He holds up a blackboard with the day's menu.
RYKO
We got... uh, veal... ah... veal...
(to customer)
What's this word?
CUSTOMER ONE
Parmisan.
RYKO
Yeah right. I always want to say
Paramisian when I see that. We looked
at them under the jigamabob in biology
once. Little squirmy, creepy things
that live in your intestine and...
CUSTOMER
Please... We have an appointment in
a half hour...
RYKO
Wow, sounds stressful. What do you
guys do for a living?
CUSTOMER ONE
We're lawyers.
RYKO
Whoa... You got to go to school for
that or what?
CUSTOMER
(he's had enough)
Look, forget the specials. We'll
take three hamburgers.
RYKO
Okay, great... Any of you guys got a
pencil by any chance?
One of the customers shrugs and hands him a pen.
RYKO
(impressed)
All right, a Bic... How 'bout a piece
of paper?
Ryko's customers look totally disgusted as Ryko's short
attention span is interrupted by something he sees O.S.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Rick and the guys appear in the bar.
RICK
Ryko. Come on!
They all disappear into the bar area.
RYKO
Be right there.
(to customers)
Nice rappin' with you guys.
Unfortunately I'm outta here. Someone
else will have to help you.
(calling off)
Skip!
The customers are pleased to get rid of Ryko. SKIP enters.
He's a clone of Ryko.
SKIP
Like um... What's the deal, you guys
gonna order?
The customers give each other a "Here we go again" look
ANGLE - THE GUYS
They're laughing uproariously and carrying on as Ryko comes
over and sits down.
RYKO
Hi pals.
The guys acknowledge him.
GARY
Okay... We're all here. Rick, what's
the big announcement?
ANGLE - RICK
RICK
All right, gentlemen, I'm not gonna
sugar-coat this thing. I've known
you guys since grade school, so I'm
gonna give it to you straight from
the hip... right from the shoulder...
without beating around the bush...
Nothing fancy, just the plain, hard
facts... tell it like it is.
CHULO
Man, you're losing your audience.
RICK
Okay... This is it... I'm getting
married.
O'NEILL
What?
CHULO
You're kidding.
GARY
I don't believe it.
RYKO
Fuck me!
RICK
Yes, gentlemen. Saturday after next,
I lose my amateur standing and turn
pro.
CHULO
Hey, man, congratulations!
Chulo gets up and gives Rick a big bear hug... The other
guys shake his hand.
GARY
Wait a minute. You been living with
Debbie! Why do you want to get
married?
RICK
Because I love her. What can I tell
you?
RYKO
You sure? This means no more partying.
RICK
No more raping and pillaging, either.
You'll have to carry on without me.
GARY
Next Saturday... That's just two
more weeks to live.
O'NEILL
Hold it... As long as you're gonna
go through with this, the least we
can do is make sure you go out in
style.
CHULO
(warming to this)
Yeah, man. Let's throw a bachelor
party with drugs, booze and broads.
O'NEILL
Yeah. Right. All the things that
make life worth living.
RICK
Sounds swell... I'm really touched.
And my getting married's not gonna
change a thing between me and my
pals. We're still gonna go bowling
on Tuesdays, play cards on Fridays
and wear women's clothes on Sunday
night. I love you guys... I always
will.
GARY
Let's have a toast.
The guys all raise their glasses.
O'NEILL
To Rick.
GARY
To us.
CHULO
To girls with big pairs.
ALL THE GUYS
Yeah, right on, etc.
As they down their drinks, we:
CUT TO:
EXT. THE JEAN MACHINE - DAY
We SEE a couple of very contemporary looking 15-year-olds
going into a very "now" clothing store -- like Fred Segal's...
When the door opens, loud ROCK 'N ROLL MUSIC blasts out.
INT. THE JEAN MACHINE - DAY
Inside the store we see all the sales clerks grooving
narcissistically to the music like they're at a disco. The
cashier, PHOEBE, has devoted her life to following the current
trends and fads no matter how inane they may be. Today she's
in a reggae mode, her hair wound into tight dreadlocks, as
she sways lost in the ozone to the music. A CUSTOMER
approaches her with a purchase.
CUSTOMER
I'd like to pay for these.
PHOEBE
Huh... What... Oh sure, wait till
this song is over.
She floats off again...
One of the young MALE CUSTOMERS approaches an attractive
salesgirl. This is DEBBIE THOMERSON, Rick's intended. She
seems to be the only sane employee in the place because she's
actually working, putting clothes on the racks. This
impression of sanity fits her, as she is level-headed, and
has a clear sense of herself. She can also take a joke, thus
her engagement to Rick.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me, where can I try on these
pants?
DEBBIE
Right over here.
She leads the Customer to the try-on booths. The Customer
enters one. We SEE that the saloon-style doors of the booths
have been hung too high, so as he takes off his pants, his
underwear is exposed to the world. We PULL BACK, REVEALING
other people in other booths, their bare asses clearly in
sight. No one in the store seems to care, however, as they
are much too busy dancing.
The front door opens and BOBBIE, a very sultry and earthy-
looking girl with long, dark hair, pushes inside. She is
O'Neill's girl and Debbie's best friend... She's also someone
who would party every night if given half a chance.
BOBBIE
(excited)
Debbie... I don't believe it. I'm so
excited.
DEBBIE
Bobbie, what are you talking about?
BOBBIE
O'Neill just tole me. It's sooo
great... I don't believe it.
Phoebe crosses to them.
PHOEBE
What's happening?
BOBBIE
Debbie's marrying Rick.
PHOEBE
...Really?
DEBBIE
Yes, it's true.
PHOEBE
Ohmygod.
The girls screech and jump around, hugging each other in
sheer joy. A MALE CUSTOMER, moved by this outpouring of
affection, moves over and gets in the middle of the girls,
enjoying every moment of being hugged by three women at once.
DEBBIE
(to Customer; realizing)
Would you get out of here.
Reluctantly the guy retreats back to the Calvin Klein jeans
rack.
BOBBIE
Does Cole know about this?
PHOEBE
Really -- you went with him for two
years.
DEBBIE
He still thinks I'm going with him.
I'm going to break the news to him
tomorrow.
BOBBIE
He's not gonna be happy. And your
parents can't be too thrilled either.
DEBBIE
No. As far as they're concerned the
only good Rick is a dead Rick. But I
don't care... it's my decision.
PHOEBE
(oblivious)
I'm totally blown away. You're getting
married. It seems like only yesterday
I showed you how to have oral sex.
BOBBIE
Deb, I want to throw you a shower.
DEBBIE
Oh, that's really sweet. I'd love
that.
PHOEBE
We'll invite all the girls.
BOBBIE
I don't believe it... Mrs. Rick Stahl.
The girls all start to scream and carry on all over again.
INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Rick is cooking dinner in the cramped combination kitchen /
living room. He has about five dishes going at once as he
dashes from stove to refrigerator. He grabs some hamburger
meat, rolls it into a ball, then slaps it on the counter. He
then takes a steam iron and presses it on the patty.
Debbie comes in the front door and crosses to him and hugs
him tightly, kissing him sweetly.
DEBBIE
(between kisses)
God, you're a slob.
RICK
But a fabulous cook.
DEBBIE
What are we having?
RICK
It's either meatloaf, Swiss steak or
charred flesh. I won't know till
it's finished.
DEBBIE
(looking at the stove)
I think your dinner's burning.
Rick crosses to the stove. A small fire is coming out of one
of the frying pans. He douses it with water.
RICK
Don't worry... it's supposed to do
this.
DEBBIE
(setting the table)
Want to hear something great? Bobbie
and Phoebe are throwing me a shower.
It's really gonna be fun.
RICK
Not as much fun as the bachelor party
the guys are throwing for me.
DEBBIE
You're going to have a bachelor party?
RICK
Of course. I'm a traditional guy...
It's a traditional event.
(he brings all the
food to the table)
Well, what do you think?
DEBBIE
It looks awful.
RICK
Yes, but looks are deceiving...
(takes a bite)
Not in this case, however.
DEBBIE
Are you going to have women at your
party?
RICK
No, sweetheart, it's a stag party.
Does stay home.
DEBBIE
I'm not talking about does. I'm
talking about hookers.
RICK
Oh, those. Why do you ask?
DEBBIE
Because from what I've heard, it's a
tradition and you're a traditional
guy.
Rick grabs her; starts kissing her passionately on the neck.
RICK
Deb, you is my woman now. I is yo
man. No painted lady ever gonna come
between us.
DEB
I need you to promise.
RICK
Okay, you got it. I got a way we can
seal the deal -- what'd you say?
He grabs her. They kiss and slide down onto the table,
knocking the dishes to the floor.
EXT. BEL AIR-TYPE ESTATE - DAY
Through the iron gates of an impressive-looking estate comes
Debbie in her convertible VW Rabbit. She pulls up behind a
new Porsche 911 and a Jeep, all decked out with rifles, nets
and other hunting equipment. As she walks down the path toward
the house, she sees something off in the distance that
startles her.
DEBBIE'S POV
A large brown grizzly bear appears to be entering the side
door of the house.
ANGLE - DEBBIE
DEBBIE
(calling O.S.)
Cole?... Cole!
DEBBIE'S POV
The "Bear" turns around. We SEE that the bear is, in fact,
dead. It is being carried by a tall, handsome HUNTER. He
waves to Debbie and indicates for her to follow him inside.
INT. COLE'S SMOKEHOUSE - DAY
Debbie opens a rustic-looking door and peers in.
DEBBIE
Cole?
COLE (O.S.)
Over here, Deb... in the Smokehouse.
CAMERA PANS WITH Debbie as she enters the room. She passes
several trophies, guns and stuffed animal heads hanging from
the wall. She makes her way past some sections of an
undetermined animal's anatomy hanging from hooks suspended
from the ceiling. Finally we see COLE WHITTIER, a Steve Garvey
look-alike... rugged all-American, and heir to the Whittier
Plastic Wrap fortune. Despite his jockish good looks and
outward arrogance, there's something in his manner that is
definitely unsavory.
As Debbie approaches him we SEE that he is butchering some
unfortunate friend of the forest on the table in front of
him. (NOTE: For the squeamish, all of this is done OUT OF
FRAME. The only thing we should HEAR are the delightful SOUNDS
of TAXIDERMY.)
COLE
Hi, Deb. Just got back from the
mountains.
(as he cuts in with a
surgeon's skill)
Isn't this a beauty?... It's gonna
look great in the den.
Debbie tries her best not to look down at what he's doing.
DEBBIE
Cole, we've got to talk.
COLE
Finally realized Rick's a jerk, huh?
DEBBIE
No, Cole, I...
COLE
(lifting an organ of
some sort O.S.)
It's all right, I forgive you. I'm
not the vengeful type. We'll forget
what happened. Why don't we take a
trip together? Maybe kill a few lions
in Kenya over Christmas.
DEBBIE
Cole, listen to me... I've got to
tell you...
COLE
You know, when you dumped me for
that wimp, I thought, Cole, she'll
be back. God wants the two of you to
be together, and sure enough...
DEBBIE
Cole, I'm marrying Rick.
COLE
(confused)
You're marrying him? Then why are
you coming back to me?
DEBBIE
I'm not. I just thought I should
tell you myself before you heard it
somewhere else.
Cole stops what he is doing for a beat and just stares at
Debbie intensely. Then he returns to his work with a renewed
enthusiasm, chopping, slashing and slicing.
COLE
You know how that makes me feel,
Deb? Wanta know how that makes me
feel?
(softly)
Angry, Deb.
(a little louder)
Yesss, that's the word, angry. But
if he makes you happy, you go right
ahead. I want you to be happy, Deb.
(a little nuts)
No matter what, no matter how angry
it makes me, no matter how much it
hurts. Be happy, Deb. Be oh, so very,
very happy.
DEBBIE
Cole, I'm sorry, I...
COLE
That's all right, Deb. Go be happy
and smile a lot, Deb. Do it for me.
DEBBIE
(uncomfortable)
I'm going now, Cole.
COLE
I understand, Deb. 'Bye... be happy.
Debbie exits and we PUSH IN ON Cole. Something on his face
says, "Hi! I'm really out of my mind."
INT. DR. STAN STAHL'S OFFICE - DAY
DR. STAN is Rick's older brother and a proctologist. Although
he's only in his early thirties, he thinks and acts like
someone in their early 70's. A little on the pompous side,
Stan is never without his pipe.
STAN
Okay, Rick, hold out your arm.
He crosses to a sterile container and takes out a syringe.
RICK
You wouldn't hurt your own brother,
would you?
(looking at the needle
cautiously)
I changed my mind. I don't need a
blood test. The marriage is off. I --
Just then, Stan sticks the needle in his arm.
RICK
(continuing)
You always were sneaky, Stan, very
sneaky.
STAN
Rick, marriage will be good for you.
It's done wonders for me.
RICK
True, you're a lot handsomer now.
Don't you have enough blood already?
STAN
(without much
conviction)
You won't miss a thing about being
single... The wild parties, the
different girls every night, running
around like a maniac... God, I miss
that.
RICK
Stan, you're depressing me... Hey, I
didn't know you were going to fill
'er up. Just take a couple of gallons,
okay?
Stan removes the needle and hands Rick a cotton ball.
RICK
(continuing)
That's an even trade... a cotton
ball for all my blood.
STAN
(returning to this
world)
Okay, Rick, all finished. I can't
wait for that bachelor party... I
need the action.
CAMERA FOLLOWS them as they go out into the hall.
STAN
(continuing)
Don't say anything to my wife about
it.
They pass an open examining room. Stan's wife, TINA, is also
a doctor and is examining an old man. She's not as tiny as
her name suggests. In face, she's more like over-sized.
RICK
Hi, Tina.
Rick moves to hug her and he notices that Tina has her finger
up the old guy's ass.
TINA
(looking up)
Rick...
(to PATIENT)
Mr. Goldsmith, this is my brother-in-
law. He's getting married.
PATIENT
(without turning around)
Congratulations.
Tina turns to a NURSE.
TINA
Nurse, will you take over?
The nurse shrugs and sticks her finger up the patient's rear
end as Tina hugs Rick.
TINA
(continuing)
I'm so happy for you.
Rick hugs her, uneasily trying to make sure her right hand
doesn't come anywhere near his face.
EXT. DEBBIE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY
Debbie and Rick and her MOM and DAD are having a frustrating
game of tennis behind her parents' plush home. Mr. Thomerson
is a stockily-built guy in his fifties who prides himself on
being tough and competitive. His wife loves to shop. As far
as she's concerned, appearances are everything. Neither of
them likes Rick's appearance or anything else about their
future son-in-law. Mr. Thomerson slams the ball to Rick;
Rick slams the ball back and drives it over the fence, out
of the court.
RICK
Oops!
MR. THOMERSON
(frustrated)
All right, who serves?
DEBBIE
You do, Daddy.
Mr. Thomerson serves the ball to Debbie, who hits it over
the net to her mother, who hits it to Rick, who slams it
over the fence, out of the court. Mr. Thomerson does not
look pleased.
MR. THOMERSON
Rick, hit the ball easier, son. You
don't have to kill it.
RICK
Can't I just maim it a little?
MRS. THOMERSON
Er... perhaps we ought to stop now.
MR. THOMERSON
No. Let's at least finish the set.
Rick starts humming the "ABC Wide World of Sports" theme
loudly. Mr. T. gives him a disgusted look and serves the
ball. Rick smashes the ball and sends it over the fence, out
of the court.
EXT. THE THOMERSON'S NEIGHBORS' BACKYARD - DAY
A middle-aged COUPLE are sitting on some lawn furniture trying
to read the newspaper. A tennis ball comes down from the sky
and hits the guy squarely on the top of the head. PULL OUT
to REVEAL that they're surrounded by dozens of tennis balls.
MAN
One of these days I'm gonna burn
Thomerson's court to the ground.
EXT. THE THOMERSON'S - MEDIUM SHOT - DAY
Rick and Mr. Thomerson are having a heart to heart chat over
some lemonade in front of the tennis court.
RICK
Well, I have to admit my game's a
little rusty, but I love polo. It's
unrelenting, a constant challenge to
the senses. Really a beautiful
experience.
MR. THOMERSON
Rick, I want to cut through the b.s.
RICK
I'd love that.
MR. THOMERSON
(sitting on his anger)
Good. I think you're an asshole. No,
let me correct that, an immature
asshole. Which is fine, except you're
marrying my daughter and I'm afraid
my grandchildren are going to be
little assholes.
RICK
Mr. Thomerson, I...
MR. THOMERSON
Let me finish. Debbie's an adult.
She can do what she wants. But if
you want your marriage to last, you're
going to have to change some things
about yourself. If I may make some
suggestions...
RICK
Feel free.
MR. THOMERSON
First, you're a slob. You have to
dress for success. Second, your
outlook on life...
As Mr. Thomerson drones on, Rick shifts uncomfortably in his
chair, focusing his attention on Debbie, her mother and her
older, cynical cousin, ILENE, who are sitting nearby on the
rear patio.
ANGLE - DEBBIE, MRS. THOMERSON AND ILENE
MRS. THOMERSON
I'm using the same caterer for the
shower I had for our Christmas party
last year.
DEBBIE
Great, Mom.
ILENE
If I were you, I'd worry less about
the shower and more about Rick's
bachelor party.
DEBBIE
Ilene, why would I want to do that?
I trust Rick.
ILENE
Of course you do. I trusted my ex,
Mel, too. Cousin, I can only talk
from experience. What do you think
they do at these parties, have tea
and play scrabble?
DEBBIE
Ilene, Rick promised...
ILENE
Debbie, don't be naive. Men are pigs.
MRS. THOMERSON
(trying to change the
subject)
Girls, why don't we go inside for
lunch.
(calling to Mr. T)
Boys, would you mind bringing in
that lemonade?
ANGLE - MR. THOMERSON AND RICK
MR. THOMERSON
In a second...
(to Rick)
And you're irresponsible. Show some
initiative, try to better yourself,
stop showing off, actions speak louder
than words.
RICK
Well, sir, that's quite a list. But
you're absolutely right. And if I
work hard at it, I think I can be a
totally changed person by the time
we finish lunch...
Mr. Thomerson rolls his eyes, knowing he's been wasting his
breath. He grabs the pitcher of lemonade and Rick grabs the
tray, which is filled with fresh lemons. They get up at the
same time and collide, sending the lemonade all over Mr. T.,
and the lemons bounding over the fence.
EXT. THOMERSON'S NEIGHBORS' HOUSE
The Neighbor we saw before is reading his paper when an
avalanche of lemons comes flying at him, joining the tennis
balls on the lawn.
NEIGHBOR
I hate those people... I really do.
INT. THOMERSON HOUSE - DAY
The Thomersons, Rick, Debbie and Ilene are just finishing
lunch. The DOORBELL RINGS. Mr. Thomerson gets up to answer
it. Standing there is Cole, wearing his tennis shorts.
COLE
Hi, everybody. Am I late?
MR. THOMERSON
Not at all. We're just finishing
lunch.
Cole crosses to the table and kisses Mrs. T's hand gallantly.
COLE
Good to see you, Mrs. Thomerson.
Hello, Debbie.
He turns to Rick.
COLE
(continuing)
And...
RICK
Bond... James Bond.
Cole gives him a quick look of contempt and exits with Mr.
T.
MR. THOMERSON (O.S.)
So, Cole, you been practicing your
game?
COLE (O.S.)
Sure have...
DEBBIE
Why is Cole here?
MRS. THOMERSON
You know your father enjoys his
company.
RICK
Much the way Hitler enjoyed hanging
out with Mussolini.
EXT. THOMERSON TENNIS COURT - DAY
Mr. T. and Cole are having a fast-paced game.
MR. THOMERSON
Nice shot.
COLE
Thank you, sir.
MR. THOMERSON
I know you're as unhappy as I am
about Debbie's marriage to Rick.
COLE
Yes, sir, I am.
MR. THOMERSON
Cole, I don't want you to give up on
her.
COLE
I've tried to change her mind.
MR. THOMERSON
It's not her mind you need to change.
It's Disneyland head in there.
COLE
But how can I do that?
MR. THOMERSON
If it were me, I'd reason with him
first. Then, if that failed...
(with malice)
...I'd take more persuasive action.
Mr. T. drills a wicked forehand shot straight at Cole, who
swings at it and misses.
COLE
(conspiratorily)
Thanks for the advise, sir.
MR. THOMERSON
Keep me informed.
PUSH IN ON Cole. This is a man with a plan...
EXT. PARK ON A BLUFF - DAY
The bluff overlooks the ocean. It's a beautiful spot. Just
the right setting for an outdoor wedding. Some folding chairs
have been set up and a canvas canopy.
Gathered for the rehearsal are Gary, Ryko, Chulo, O'Neill
who is with Bobbie, Debbie's mother and Mr. Thomerson, Phoebe,
Ilene, Tina, Stan, a gray-haired priest. FATHER FALWELL and,
of course, Rick and Debbie. Everyone is admiring this
picturesque setting. Everyone but Mr. Thomerson. He's very
underjoyed at the sight of Rick and his friends. Mr. and
Mrs. Thomerson are standing with Father Falwell. They are
watching Rick holding Debbie.
MR. THOMERSON
The thought of that person marrying
my daughter makes me want to upchuck.
MRS. THOMERSON
You can tell a man by his friends.
FATHER FALWELL
They're not such a bad bunch.
MR. THOMERSON
No?
(he points off)
That's his best man peeing on a tree.
ANOTHER ANGLE
In the b.g. we SEE O'Neill's back TO US. He is definitely
relieving himself on a weeping willow. The wind begins to
pick up.
FATHER FALWELL
If everyone would take their
positions...
Everyone takes their places for the wedding procession. The
wind now takes this time to blow with much greater force. As
Father Falwell opens his Bible, the wind rips the pages out
of the Holy Book. They blow to the four corners of the Earth.
FATHER FALWELL
(continuing)
Oh, dear. Well, let's begin. And...
He hums the Wedding March. Chulo hums along. His humming is
a driving Jimi Hendrix-like guitar lick that all but drowns
out Father's humming.
FATHER FALWELL
He's orchestrating the proceedings.
FATHER FALWELL
Flower Girls... Now Rick...
(he gestures for him
to start down the
aisle)
Good... Debbie and Mr. Thomerson.
As he gestures for them to make their walk to him, a gust of
wind lifts up Father's cassock, exposing his bare ass. He
quickly grabs his cassock and covers himself.
RICK
He begins to walk toward the priest. Suddenly, out of nowhere,
Cole appears at his side.
RICK
Cole. Don't you know it's bad luck
to see the groom before the wedding?
COLE
I want Debbie.
RICK
Cole...
COLE
You dump her and I'll give you cash.
RICK
What's Debbie's blue book value right
now?
COLE
Five thousand dollars.
RICK
No.
They are now standing near Father Falwell. Debbie is
approaching them with Mr. Thomerson. Mr. T. shoots Cole a
signal to up the ante.
COLE
Seventy-five hundred.
RICK
Not interested.
COLE
Okay, ten thousand plus a G.E. toaster
oven, a Litton microwave, a
Cuisinart...
RICK
I'm marrying Debbie.
COLE
Michelin tires... brand new. A set
of Sears Best metric tools...
RICK
(to O'Neill)
What is this person's story here?
O'NEILL
The way I see it, the big lug is in
love and he's got a lot of major
appliances lying around.
Debbie and Mr. T. have joined Rick.
DEBBIE
Cole, what are you doing here?
MR. THOMERSON
He's just trying to save you from
making a mistake.
(to Rick)
A big mistake.
RICK
Thanks, Dad.
(to Cole)
Cole, go away.
COLE
He's gonna hurt you, Debbie. He'll
never be true to you the way I would.
RICK
Thank you. We'll all keep that in
mind. 'Bye now.
Cole turns red with anger.
COLE
(pissed)
Rick, me and you aren't through yet.
He runs off.
RICK
(a la talk show host)
Ladies and gentlemen, Cole Whittier.
Let's hear it for him -- a funny,
funny guy. We love ya, babe.
The wind suddenly picks up. A storm is coming in off the
sea. Father Falwell's cassock blows up again. It starts to
rain and hail. Everyone runs for cover but Rick and O'Neill.
RICK
(to O'Neill)
You think the gods are telling me
something?
INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Rick is snuggled cozily on his side of the bed, fast asleep.
Debbie is staring anxiously at the ceiling. After a couple
of beats, she tugs at Rick's shoulder.
RICK
(drowsy)
Huh? Wha...
DEBBIE
I can't sleep.
RICK
Oh... I got something for that.
He groggily reaches into the nightstand, pulls out a hammer.
He raises it as if to hit Debbie over the head.
DEBBIE
Stop fooling around... I need to
talk.
RICK
What's the matter?
DEBBIE
I don't know... I just feel scared.
RICK
(he sits up)
About what?
DEBBIE
The wedding, my parents, your family,
our friends, my job, the future, our
relationship, the caterers, my gown,
your tuxedo, our honeymoon, the
apartment, my shower, your bachelor
party...
RICK
I think the only think you've left
out are our relations with the Soviet
Union. Sweetheart, everything's gonna
be all right.
DEBBIE
Before or After I have my nervous
breakfown?
RICK
C'mere.
He starts to gently rub her shoulders. She breathes deeply,
trying to let go.
DEBBIE
That feels so great.
RICK
Good...
DEBBIE
Um... that's very relaxing.
RICK
Now, I want you to lie down and drift
off to slumberland.
He slowly lowers her to her pillow and tucks the covers in
around her.
RICK
(continuing)
Close your eyes... that's it...
There's nothing to worry about... I
love you... I'm a great guy...
(yawning)
In two days you're gonna be Mrs.
Great Guy.
He yawns again and turns off the light on the night table.
There is a beat of silence in the dark. We PUSH IN ON their
faces, which are faintly illuminated by a street light outside
the open window. Both of them have their eyes wide open as
they stare at the ceiling in fearful anticipation of the
next day.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
The guys (except Gary) are walking through the busy airport.
RYKO
You sure Gary's got this whole party
deal together?
CHULO
Yeah, man, he's got us a great room
at the hotel and lots of chicks.
RYKO
I hope so. Hundred bucks apiece is a
lot of dinero.
CHULO
What time are we supposed to get to
the hotel?
O'NEILL
Don't worry, Chulo, the party's not
gonna start without you. We got plenty
of time.
STAN
I can't wait to see old Larry...
It's been five years.
RICK
At least.
ANGLE - THE EXIT RAMP
People are streaming out of the plane. Finally the last person
exits.
O'NEILL
Where the hell is he?
RICK
Knowing Larry, he probably missed
the flight.
STAN
There he is... Hey, Larry!
LARRY
(talking very slowly)
Guys... guys... guys...
RICK
'Ludes... 'ludes... 'ludes.
Larry floats toward them and stops in front of them. He stares
at them strangely, looking from face to face.
LARRY
God, I love you guys.
To the guys' surprise, he goes around hugging each one of
them.
LARRY
(continuing)
This makes me so happy.
They start walking toward the baggage claim area.
O'NEILL
So, Larry, how have you been?
LARRY
Just in love with everybody. It's
really a beautiful planet. I love
you, Rick. I love you guys. I love
everybody.
RICK
So how's your wife?
Larry stops walking and immediately breaks down.
LARRY
I hate her. I hate her guts, the
bitch.
O'NEILL
Larry, you and your wife got problems?
LARRY
I don't want to talk about it. I
love you guys. I love my friends.
Larry reaches into his pocket, takes out a Quaalude.
LARRY
(continuing)
You want to share it?
RICK
Naw, two on a Quaalude... bad luck.
LARRY
Right.
He pops it in his mouth.
EXT. TERMINAL
The guys exit the Baggage Area. Rick is pushing Larry who is
sprawled out on top of his bags in a luggage cart.
LARRY
My marriage is the worst. All crap.
A big pile of shit.
RICK
Maybe your marriage should lay off
grains for a while.
LARRY
She hates me. It's over. You'll see,
as soon as you get married, everything
changes. You sure you want to go
through with it, man?
RICK
(his interest peaked)
What do you mean, it changes?
Before Larry can answer they reach the bus where Debbie is
waiting for them.
DEBBIE
(hugging Larry)
Larry, how are you?
LARRY
Hi, Debbie, congratulations. Hey, do
you know where there's a pharmacy
around here so I can get a
prescription filled?
RICK
Come on, get him on the bus.
As a couple of the guys pick Larry up and carry him into the
bus we
CUT TO:
INT. BUS - DUSK
Rick is driving the bus with Debbie sitting next to him in
the driver's seat. The guys sit in the row of seats behind
them.
RICK
Well... twenty-four more hours to go
and tonight we'll share with our
friends and loved ones the joys of
those last moments of singleness.
DEBBIE
You better not have too much joy.
RICK
Wouldn't think of it. Because
tomorrow...
(starts singing)
We're going to the chapel and we're...
DEBBIE
(singing)
Gonna get married...
ANGLE - THE GUYS
They start to join in the song in a little less than perfect
harmony.
EVERYBODY
Going to the chapel and we're gonna
get married.
DEBBIE
Gee, I really love you...
RICK
And we're gonna get ma-a-a-ried.
EVERYBODY
(whooping it up)
Going to the chapel of love.
RICK
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
EXT. BUS
The bus zooms down the street.
EVERYBODY (V.O.)
Going to the chapel of love.
EXT. THOMERSON'S - DUSK
Rick's bus comes up to the driveway in front of the house
and stops.
INT. RICK'S BUS - DUSK
RICK
This is it, lady. Last stop.
DEBBIE
Can't I just go with you guys?
RICK
Sorry, we got men's business to do.
It's no place for a lady.
He opens the door, picks Debbie up and carries her out to
the sidewalk.
DEBBIE
Remember, you promised... no screwing
around.
RICK
Did I promise that? I don't remember
that...
DEBBIE
You're really pissing me off.
She grabs Rick and wraps her arm around him in a playful
headlock.
RICK
Okay, I promise... I swear on my
mother's grave.
DEBBIE
Your mother's not dead.
RICK
Well, if I go back on my word, I'll
kill her.
Debbie lets go of his neck.
DEBBIE
Have a good time. Don't make it too
late.
RICK
Anything you say, ma'am. Have a fun
shower. Use soap.
DEBBIE
I love you.
They kiss, and the guys whistle in the background. Then Debbie
starts toward the house and Rick hops back into the bus. He
gets into the seat and sits there for a moment, watching
Debbie with a guilty look as she goes into the house.
O'NEILL
(to Rick)
What's the matter?
RICK
(snapping out of it)
Nothing... Let's get crazy!
RYKO
All right!
CHULO
When do the girls get to the party?
O'NEILL
Don't worry, Gary's taking care of
that now.
The guys holler and whoop it up as Rick puts the bus in gear
and takes off down the street.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GRIMY STREET CORNER - EVENING
JUMBO, a well-dressed behemoth in a sky blue suit and
widebrimmed hat, is standing on a street corner talking to
Gary.
GARY
So we want your best girls, the cream
of your crop.
JUMBO
Let's see your bread.
Gary takes out a roll of bills, which Jumbo grabs and quickly
counts.
JUMBO
(continuing)
Okay, I got just what you're looking
for.
(calling off)
Margot... Darlene...
Two shapely HOOKERS in tight-fitting clothes come up to them.
GARY
They'll do just fine. Hiya, girls.
Look, after the orgy, maybe we could
have coffee.
The girls look at him with "Is he for real?" in their eyes.
JUMBO
Shorty, where's the party?
Gary takes some slips of paper out of his pocket and hands
Jumbo one.
GARY
Park View Hotel, Room 1002.
JUMBO
They'll be up there in a half hour.
GARY
Okay. Nice to meet you both.
Gary turns, almost collides with a garbage can, and starts
walking down the street. He passes a parked Porsche. After a
beat, Cole Whittier sticks his head up and watches Gary walk
off. Then he hops out of his car and approaches Jumbo and
the girls.
COLE
Hi. I must have just missed my friend.
He hired you for a bachelor party.
JUMBO
At the Park View Hotel, Room 1002.
What about it.
Cole's face lights up. This is the information he needed.
COLE
Yeah. Right.
(takes out piece of
paper)
This is the new address. We changed
our minds and decided to send the
girls over to his house instead.
He takes out a fifty-dollar bill.
COLE
(continuing)
And here's a fifty... I want this to
be a surprise, so you never saw me,
okay?
JUMBO
(pocketing the money)
No problem.
Cole smiles happily as he slithers back to his car.
COLE
(to himself)
Now she'll see what kind of jackoff
he is.
ANGLE - HOTEL
A parking VALET crosses to the bus as Rick hands him the
keys.
RICK
Be careful with it. It's a rental.
The guys hop out with the enthusiasm of a home team that's
just won the state championship. They race in the front door.
A banner over the door reads: "WELCOME MISS MOOSEHEAD BEER
PAGEANT."
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
This is a pretty plush place. The kind of hotel that prides
itself on its classy image. The guys are totally unaware of
the sedate atmosphere in the lobby as they go screaming toward
the elevators.
O'NEILL
(to some dignified
guests)
We who are about to go ape shit salute
you.
RYKO
All right, I'm stoked!
Just as they are about to get into the elevator, a hand comes
INTO FRAME and holds the door so it will not close.
WIDEN TO INCLUDE the MANAGER. All their carrying-on stops
when the guys see him staring grimly at them. If he wasn't a
hotel manager, he'd be a mortician. He has a constant
expression on his face that suggests he's constantly sucking
lemons.
MANAGER
Just where do you guys think you
are?
O'NEILL
The Library of Congress?
CHULO
Detroit?
LARRY
Beyond the sun?
RICK
Are any of those right?
MANAGER
This is the Park View Hotel. I'm the
Hotel Manager. Are you looking for
someone?
RICK
Yes, you. We're looking for our
room... 1002.
Rick takes out his key.
MANAGER
It's on the tenth floor.
RICK
What do you know, they moved it.
Catch you later.
The door starts to close and the guys start yelling.
MANAGER
Keep your voices down. This is a
respectable establishment. We don't
go for any funny business here. Just
then a GUY with a Moosehead Beer hat
and TWO GUYS in a moose costume pass
him and enter the elevator with the
boys.
RICK
I see what you mean... You're a
beautiful guy. And you're doing a
damn good job.
The door slams shut before the Manager can say anything else.
INT. THE THOMERSON'S - NIGHT
Several of Debbie's friends have arrived and are chatting
amiably in the living room. Phoebe is dipping potato chips
into a bowl that says "Muffy" on it.
PHOEBE
Do you have any more of this dip,
Mrs. Thomerson? It's really excellent.
MRS. THOMERSON
You just ate Purina Cat Chow.
PHOEBE
Gross me out...
Debbie comes into the living room and sits next to Bobbie.
DEBBIE
(concerned)
What do you think's gonna go on at
the guys' party?
BOBBIE
They'll probably get drunk, and watch
dirty movies. But don't worry about
the dirty movies.
DEBBIE
What do you mean?
BOBBIE
I forgot to tell you. Yesterday I
found a bunch of pornos in the back
seat of O'Neill's car.
DEBBIE
You're kidding.
BOBBIE
Nah. Everything's cool... I took
care of 'em.
(starts to giggle)
EXT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT
Rick, Ryko, O'Neill, Chulo, Larry and Stan are walking down
the hallway, looking for their room.
O'NEILL
1004, 1003...
(spots the room)
Aha! 1002.
The guys give out a hearty cheer as they huddle around the
door. O'Neill grabs the doorknob. He takes his time, playing
up the moment.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
And now...
The guys lean forward, anticipating the opening of the gates
of heaven.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
...to our honored guest Rick, and
his life-long friends, I say...
(turns the doorknob)
...gentlemen, start your boners.
He flings open the door and everyone but he and Rick burst
into the room.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
The guys all but dive into the room. It is a two-room suite
with living room/kitcheonette and separate bedroom. The room
has been decorated with balloons. A sign reads: "Happy
Bachelor Party!" It looks far from professionally decorated.
Chulo frantically checks out the rooms.
RYKO
Bitchin' place.
He hangs a chin-up bar in a doorway and starts to chin
himself.
O'NEILL
I did the balloons myself.
He takes a prophylactic out of a Trojan carton. He blows it
up. On closer examination, we SEE all the balloons are
inflated prophylactics.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Chulo returns from his search of the rooms.
CHULO
(crazed)
Where's the women, man? We gotta
have women.
O'NEILL
Chulo, one thing at a time.
CHULO
Sex is my one thing. I'm good at it.
STAN
What's first?
O'NEILL
A bit of a warm-up.
He threads a film projector.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
We'll spend an hour with "Nymphos
Without Pants"...
RICK
Olivier's in that, right?
O'NEILL
Then it's on to the real thing.
GUYS
(cheering)
All right!
Ryko flips off the lights as O'Neill puts the projector into
forward and the title flashes on a movie screen. All the
guys yell in anticipation.
HOME MOVIE SCREEN
We SEE a man stepping out of a shower. He puts on his robe
and exits the bathroom. To his surprise and to the delight
of our guys, two young, beautiful Nordic looking women,
dressed in micro-minis and see-through blouses stand waiting
for him.
CHULO (O.S.)
They're Danish, I know it. I'm crazy
for Danes.
RYKO AND CHULO
sit watching the screen.
RYKO
(to Chulo)
Denmark makes great Nautilus
equipment.
CHULO
I'd like to jerk and press those
babies.
RICK AND O'NEILL
RICK
(to O'Neill)
And I thought we wouldn't have any
meaningful conversation.
ON SCREEN
The man takes off his robe. The girls start to seductively
undress.
GUYS (O.S.)
(excitedly)
All right, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Suddenly an abrupt jump cut. The girls are undressed and
lying on top of the man. Our guys are seriously let down.
GUYS
EVERYONE
(disappointed)
Awwww...
O'NEILL
He can't figure it out.
ON THE SCREEN
As the women kiss the man from his head slowly down his chest,
past his navel and heading south...
GUYS
Their eyes start to widen like a child in a Keene painting.
GUYS
Yes, go, go, yes, go...
ON THE SCREEN
Another abrupt jump cut spliced together with what looks
like a band-aid, and the girls are sitting on the side of
the bed. The man is recovering from the best sex he's ever
encountered.
GUYS
GUYS
(disappointed)
Awwwwww...
Rick turns to a shocked O'Neill.
RICK
Excuse me, but this is as arousing
as a stroll through the Vatican.
O'NEILL
This isn't right.
GUYS' POV
They watch the screen. The two women seem to be taking a
liking to each other. They begin to fall onto the bed and
entwine.
GUYS
Please, yes, do it, yes, yes, oh
yes...
A jump cut and they are dressing. Stan can't take it anymore.
He jumps to his feet.
STAN
Where are the dirty parts? I'm a
doctor. I can see these things.
CHULO
What a waste of two women.
O'Neill rises abruptly.
O'NEILL
I don't get it, but at least Gary's
got the real stuff coming up here in
a few minutes.
CHULO
(in ecstasy)
Women!
Everyone cheers.
INT. THOMERSON HOUSE
The girls are having a great time. The front DOORBELL RINGS.
Mrs. Thomerson answers it. Standing in the doorway is Tina
Stahl, Stan's wife; she's late for the shower. Behind her
are two obvious hookers: Margot and Darlene. Tina doesn't
know either of the girls.
MRS. THOMERSON
Yes?
Before Tina can speak, Margot speaks up. She's reading from
the piece of paper Cole gave her.
MARGOT
(through heavy gum
chewing)
Yeah, hi. Look, is this...
INSERT - PIECE OF PAPER
Margot reads the address.
MARGOT (O.S.)
838 North Franek Avenue?
BACK TO SCENE
MRS. THOMERSON
Yes.
MARGOT
We're here.
MRS. THOMERSON
How nice.
TINA
I'm Tina Stahl.
MRS. THOMERSON
Of course. Stan's wife... Everyone
come in.
REVERSE ANGLE - THE STREET
Cole sits in his car and watches happily as the hookers go
inside.
INT. THOMERSON'S LIVING ROOM
Debbie spots Tina. She is oblivious to the two hookers.
DEBBIE
Tina!
They give each other a big hug. The hookers watch closely.
Debbie leads Tina to the other women.
DEBBIE
(continuing)
You know everyone here, don't you?
TINA
Yes.
The girls hug and give big hellos. Meanwhile, Margot and
Darlene have come to the conclusion they've been hired for a
kinky scene.
MARGOT
One of these, huh?
DARLENE
Looks that way.
MARGOT
Buck's a buck.
They start to unbutton their coats.
Tina hands Debbie her present.
DEBBIE
It's so heavy.
She sits and the girls gather around as she starts to open
the gift.
Phoebe happens to look off and is stunned by what she sees.
The others are curious at what she is looking at and they
too stare O.S., stunned to silence.
MARGOT AND DARLENE
dressed in leather and mesh stockings. Margot carries a whip.
Darlene is holding a phallic electrical device.
DARLENE
(business-like)
Is there an empty outlet in here?
Debbie unconsciously points to a nearby wall. Margot and
Darlene stand amidst the girls. Darlene plugs in her device.
She and Margot start to embrace and fondle one another. The
girls watch in stony silence. Dumbfounded at what they see.
Margot and Darlene start to sink to the floor, OUT OF OUR
SIGHT. Before they disappear, we see Margot take out her gum
and park it on an end table. Now OUT OF SIGHT, the girls
watch for a beat. Then we hear the WHIRRING of Darlene's
implement. Our girls screech in horror and hold onto one
another in a protective clump.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
The guys are sitting around drinking, eating and looking
generally bored. Chulo sits in front of the TV, glumly
watching an old "I Love Lucy" re-run.
CHULO
If I was Ricky Ricardo I would beat
the shit out of that chick.
LARRY
(totally ripped,
staring at the black
and white image)
Wow! The colors are sooo beautiful.
Chulo gives him a strange look.
RYKO
(opening a beer,
reading the label)
Isn't there any beer that's not
imported? All this stuff's from St.
Louis.
RICK
(calling to imaginary
person O.S.)
Bartender, round of brains for my
friend here.
Gary enters the room. He's all smiles. Confident he's done a
great job arranging for the entertainment.
GARY
How's it going, guys?
Everyone crowds around him like children greeting Daddy.
Looking for candy hidden in his coat.
EVERYONE
Where's the girls? Where's the girls?
Rick pushes them away from Gary like a referee separating
two fighters.
RICK
Give the guy air. Everyone to a
neutral corner.
GARY
What's going on?
CHULO
Nothing. We got no women.
GARY
Screw you.
RICK
It's true.
GARY
This place should have been wall to
wall tits by now.
RICK
(to O'Neill)
Guy paints a beautiful picture.
GARY
I'm going to see what the hell
happened.
RICK
Looks like the only one who got
screwed here was you.
GARY
Screw that.
He exits out the door.
O'NEILL
So, what do you guys think of the
party so far?
The guys toss sandwiches and empty beer cans at him.
RICK
(putting his arm around
O'Neill)
Well, I think you've done a damn
fine job.
Everyone pelts Rick and O'Neill with more junk.
Suddenly the door bursts open. The guys look up and are
surprised to see Cole enter.
COLE
Rick, I want to talk to you.
RICK
Ah, Cole.
(turns to the others)
I don't remember ordering an asshole
from room service.
Cole enters, closing the door behind him.
COLE
I don't want any trouble.
RICK
Oh, come on, just a little.
COLE
I'm ready to make you another deal.
RICK
(mock excitement)
Ooh, be still, my heart.
COLE
(points out window)
See that down there? That's my most
prized possession. My new Porsche.
RICK'S POV
Cole's Porsche parked in the hotel parking lot.
RICK (O.S.)
Very nice...
BACK TO SCENE
Rick gestures to Chulo to look out the window.
RICK
(his voice tells us
he has something in
mind)
Isn't that a great car, Chulo?
Chulo gets Rick's drift.
CHULO
Yeah... real nice. Ah, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
He starts to exit. Before he does, he grabs a hanger out of
the closet.
COLE
Great car.
RICK
The best.
COLE
I love that car.
RICK
I'm very happy for you two.
They back away from the window.
COLE
I'll trade you my Porsche for Debbie.
An even swap.
RICK
(surprised)
The car for Debbie?
COLE
(getting a little
excitable)
I mean it. The car is yours. Dump
Debbie.
RICK
Gee, guys, what should I do? The car
or Debbie?
All the guys treat this as if it's "Let's Make A Deal". They
take sides, yelling out, "Take the car," "Keep Debbie." Over
the din we hear a befuddled Rick.
RICK
(continuing)
What a decision here.
He walks over to the window. Cole follows closely. He's trying
to convince Rick to take the car.
COLE
Low mileage... Handles like a dream.
RICK
So does Debbie.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Chulo is using the hanger to jimmy the car lock on Cole's
Porsche. He's successful. He jumps into the car and drives
off.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
Rick and Cole are at the window. The guys are still trying
to convince Rick on his decision.
COLE
I got the car only two months ago --
it's got --
As he looks out the window we see with him that his car is
gone.
COLE
(continuing)
Shit, shit, shit, shit. My car's
gone!
RICK
Maybe it had something to do.
COLE
Shit!
He charges out of the room.
O'NEILL
Odd. He's only been gone a few seconds
and I already miss him.
EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT
Gary spots Jumbo on the same grimy street corner. He's pimping
for one of his ladies and makes a sale to an anxious young
Marine as Gary approaches him.
GARY
Jumbo, where the hell are the women?
JUMBO
What are you talking about, asshole?
GARY
Your whores never showed up.
JUMBO
They left an hour ago, pink nuts.
GARY
Screw you!
Jumbo has had enough. He backs Gary against a wall and pulls
a knife on him.
JUMBO
(irritated; a lot)
That's it, prick lips.
GARY
What are you...
JUMBO
I've had it, numb nuts... How much
money you got?
GARY
Why?
JUMBO
Because I'm pissed off. Now give me
your cash.
Gary hurriedly digs into his pockets and gives Jumbo his
money.
GARY
This is bad public relations. I was
planning to do a lot of business
with you. But now I'm going to have
to go elsewhere.
JUMBO
(mock sincerity)
Hey. I'm sorry. You want girls. I'll
give you girls.
He snaps his fingers and TWO of his LADIES come forward.
JUMBO
(continuing; to girls)
Give him the works.
GARY
That's more like it.
The girls walk over to Gary and proceed to beat the crap out
of him.
EXT. CHIPPENDALE'S - NIGHT
It is a garish nightclub. A large lighted billboard proclaims
"ALL MALE... ALL NUDE." Two cars pull into the parking lot.
Debbie and all of her shower guests get out.
DEBBIE
Are you sure this is a good idea?
ILENE
Look, you heard what those hookers
said. They were supposed to go to a
bachelor party.
DEBBIE
That doesn't mean it was Rick's party.
ILENE
Debbie, men are pigs -- if they can
have women, we can have men.
BOBBIE
(agreeing)
Yeah.
MRS. THOMERSON
(reluctantly)
I don't know about this.
DEBBIE
C'mon, Mother, it'll be fun.
The girls giggle as they enter the place, with Mrs. Thomerson
following reluctantly behind.
INT. CHIPPENDALE'S - NIGHT
PHOEBE
Look at that guy. What a hunk.
BOBBIE
Check out the other guy's buns.
TINA
Let's sit over here.
They head for some empty tables. Debbie notices her mother
is still standing transfixed by the MAN on display on stage.
Debbie grabs her by the shoulder.
DEBBIE
C'mon, Mom.
On the way to the table they pass MICHAEL, the bartender,
who looks at them and immediately recognizes Debbie. Finding
this interesting, he picks up a phone and dials.
MICHAEL
(softly; into phone)
Yes... is there a Rick Stahl
registered there?
INT. HOTEL SUITE
Gary, beaten up, his clothes ripped, stands amidst the guys.
RICK
Hookers beat you up?
GARY
Yes.
RICK
I didn't know you were into that.
CHULO
How could you be so stupid. I'm gonna
kill you.
GARY
Go ahead, but if you want women, we
need more money.
RYKO
This just isn't righteous.
GARY
(angered)
Screw you... Do me a favor, join
this decade, will ya, pal!
RICK
(as if he's working a
fundraiser)
Hey, now, our buddy needs help. Come
on, dig into those pockets. Help
this man.
(puts his arm around
Gary)
Help this person help others get
laid. Give till it hurts. He needs
you.
The guys take out money. Larry stands and digs into his pocket
for his wallet. Along with the wallet comes dozens of pills.
The PHONE RINGS.
RICK
And there's our first pledge coming
in --
Rick picks up the receiver.
RICK
(continuing)
Hello. End Horniness Telethon. Yeah.
Michael... how you doing?
INT. CHIPPENDALE'S - MICHAEL
He's standing behind the bar.
MICHAEL
I'm working... Right. At
Chippendale's. Guess what. Debbie
and her friends just walked in.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
RICK
(surprised)
Really? That's very interesting.
(he brightens)
I'll tell you what... stay there and
we'll be right down. I want to check
this out.
He hangs up the phone. Gary, meantime, has collected his
money.
GARY
I'll be back with women.
STAN
I might as well have left my genitals
at home, the good they're doing me
here.
CHULO
(calling after Gary)
Hurry back.
Gary exits.
RICK
(it's obvious he has
something in mind)
While we're waiting for Gar, why
don't we all go for a little fresh
air.
RYKO
Where we going?
RICK
Out.
The guys start toward the door.
LARRY
(zonked and depressed)
Guys, I think I'd rather stay here.
RICK
C'mon, Larry. Be good for you.
LARRY
I just want to be alone.
RICK
All right. Now, there's milk and
cookies in the refrigerator. Go to
bed right after "Falcon Crest."
As Larry slumps on the couch, the guys exit.
EXT. HOTEL
Rick and the guys exit the hotel. As they exit, Mr. Thomerson
enters. Both parties are oblivious to the other's presence.
INT. HOTEL
Mr. Thomerson is greeted by a Moosehead Beer EXECUTIVE who
is wearing a straw hat that says "Moosehead Beer."
EXECUTIVE
Ed, we're so glad you could come
over at the last minute and judge
our little beauty pageant.
MR. THOMERSON
My pleasure, Al... Always happy to
help out in a pinch...
(looking around)
Excuse me. I better call my service...
tell them where I am.
He enters a phone booth and starts to dial.
MR. THOMERSON
(to executive, covering
mouthpiece)
I had to get out of the house anyway
tonight. The wife is throwing a bridal
shower for my daughter.
(into phone)
This is Ed Thomerson. Please transfer
my calls to...
(reading number off
phone)
220-1892. Right.
He crosses with executive toward the ballroom.
EXECUTIVE
Congratulations on your daughter's
wedding. Who's she marrying?
MR. THOMERSON
A real turd.
EXECUTIVE
(at a loss for words)
Well... hope she'll be very happy.
They exit into ballroom.
INT. CHIPPENDALE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Amidst the kitchen activities we SEE Rick, O'Neill, Ryko,
Stan, and Michael.
RICK
So will your friend Nick do it?
MICHAEL
He'll do anything for money.
RICK
I love his attitude.
(calling off)
They still out there?
STAN
He's peeking through the kitchen door. We SEE Debbie and the
shower girls whooping it up at a ringside table. Stan turns
back to Rick.
STAN
Breathing heavy at ringside.
He joins the other guys.
RICK
(a la Long John Silver)
So, they want action, eh? Are you
with me, me hardies?
The guys shout approval as NICK, one of the male dancers,
enters carrying a tray of food. Nick is a muscled hunk.
MICHAEL
Guys, this is Chippendale's star
attraction, Nicholas Carter... better
known as Nick the Dick.
RYKO
Nick the what?
Nick drops his pants. Since he's being SHOT only from the
WAIST UP, we can't see what the guys see.
NICK
(proudly)
The Dick.
ALL OUR GUYS
(astonished at this
O.S. sight)
Jesus Christ!
RICK
Let's get this thing going. Tray,
please.
Nick holds the tray waist high. Rick arranges the food.
RICK
(continuing)
Looks good. Can I have the bun,
Michael?
Michael hands Rick a hot dog bun. Rick places it on the tray.
He turns to Nick.
RICK
(continuing)
And now, Nick... or is it Mr. Dick?
NICK
Nick.
RICK
Nick, if you would be so kind...
NICK
He holds the tray with one hand. With the other he reaches
OUT OF FRAME. In a nutshell, what he does is place his honker
in the hot dog bun. As he slaps his business into the bun,
we HEAR a solid THUMP.
RICK
Nick, the rest is all yours.
NICK
(excusing himself)
Gentlemen.
He exits. As he does, our guys crowd around and peek through
the kitchen door.
NICK
We FOLLOW him as he approaches the girls' table.
NICK
If you ladies would like to serve
yourselves...
The girls grab their orders. Mrs. T. is last. Hers is the
hot dog. She points to it.
MRS. THOMERSON
Is this the foot long?
NICK
And then some.
Mrs. T. grabs the hot dog. It won't come off the tray. She
yanks harder. Nick drops the tray and Mrs. T. finally comes
to realize what she is pulling on. She screams in terror.
Because of sheer fright, she can't seem to drop Nick's schlong
from her grip. The rest of our ladies look to see Mrs. T. 's
hot dog. They scream in shock. Debbie spits out her
marguerita, hitting Phoebe in the face.
OUR GUYS
They are busting a gut watching the girls' reactions.
ILENE
She looks up just in time to see the
guys close the kitchen door.
MRS. T
still frozen in a state of shock. The girls try to pry her
hands off.
EXT. STREET CORNER
Several HOOKERS are standing around. Gary approaches them.
GARY
Ladies... come here.
HOOKER
Talk to the pimp.
She gestures to a MAN with his back TO US.
GARY
Let's talk.
The PIMP turns around and we SEE he is the stereotypical
pimp. One big difference: he's an Indian straight from the
streets of Calcutta. He's soft-spoken and ever smiling and
he still hasn't quite mastered English.
RAJAH
(oh-so-heavy Indian
accent)
What can I be doing for you?
GARY
You're a pimp?
RAJAH
I'm telling you I am, Joe.
GARY
I want women.
RAJAH
That I got. Very good women. They
sit on your face, anything you want.
GARY
I'll take some.
RAJAH
Big problem now. Soon they go to
customers.
GARY
I need them for a bachelor party at
the Park View Hotel.
RAJAH
You are being in luck. Customers in
same hotel. I let you have them at
cut-rate price for 45 minutes.
GARY
Sold. 45 minutes. No problem.
RAJAH
Not one minute longer or Milt will
come for you.
GARY
Milt?
ANOTHER ANGLE
MILT joins them. Milt is a massive hulk. A bearded exbiker.
He could have come out of an MX silo. A menacing mountain of
a man decked out in a cowboy hat.
RAJAH
This being Milt.
Milt casually takes off his hat and immediately sticks his
face through a nearby window, smashing it to pieces. He pulls
his head out, smiles and puts his hat back on.
RAJAH
(continuing)
Girls back in 45 minutes or Milt
cuts your balls off. Fair enough?
Shake!
Gary extends his hand and they shake.
GARY
(to himself as he
walks to his car)
I just bet my balls and shook on it.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
The guys are piling back out of the bus into the hotel. The
Manager watches them suspiciously.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
Rick, O'Neill, Ryko and Stan come back into the room.
RICK
(concerned; calling
O.S.)
Larry! Yo, Larry.
Rick crosses to the bathroom door, opens it and goes in.
RICK'S POV
Larry is on his knees on the side of the tub with his head
submerged fully under several inches of water.
RICK
(continuing)
What are you doing?
Larry comes out of the water. He gasps for breath and speaks.
LARRY
I'm killing myself.
He takes a deep breath and submerges his head again. Rick
unplugs the tub and it begins to drain.
RICK
Larry... you've got to lighten up.
You and the wife can work it out.
The water has drained from the tub, leaving Larry high and
dry. He lifts his head out of the tub. In his state, he's
unaware that the water is gone. He gasps for air as Rick
holds him up.
RICK
Lar... sometimes when people are mad
they say things they don't mean.
LARRY
No, she hates me... I want to end
everything here... now.
Larry takes a deep breath and plunges his head into the tub.
His head hits the waterless tub bottom with a loud THUD. He
goes limp from the concussion. His body drapes into the tub,
head first.
RICK
You okay?
LARRY
Yeah, I guess so.
RICK
Really?
LARRY
Yeah. I see you're right. C'mon,
let's party.
Larry gets up and exits the room. PUSH IN ON Rick. He looks
after Larry, concerned.
RICK
(to himself)
He ain't all right.
ANGLE - THE LOBBY
Cole sits in a phone booth holding the receiver impatiently.
ANGLE WIDENS TO REVEAL THE ADJOINING PHONE BOOTH
The receiver is off the hook. After a beat, Mr. T. crosses
to the phone. Cole does not see him, and vice versa.
MR. T
Hello?
COLE
Mr. Thomerson.
MR. T
Yes, son, did you find out where the
bachelor party is?
COLE
Yes I did.
MR. T
Fine. How's everything going?
COLE
Not so good. He wouldn't listen to
reason. He stole my car... my
Porsche... I can't find it anywhere...
MR. THOMERSON
So, he's playing hard ball. Well,
two can play that game.
(yelling)
Go after him. Stop at nothing. You
hear me?
COLE
What? I'm sorry, sir, I can't hear
you.
Looking over into the next booth, he sees Thomerson's back.
COLE
(continuing)
Some fat slob in the next booth is
making a lot of noise.
MR. THOMERSON
Well, tell the asshole to shut up.
COLE
Right.
(calling off)
Hey, shut up. Okay, sir.
MR. THOMERSON
Sorry, I can't hear you. Some pin
head's yelling...
(yelling O.S.)
Shut up, I'm talking here.
(into phone)
Now look, I want you to go back and
I don't care what you do. Stop that
marriage.
He slams the phone down and EXITS SCREEN RIGHT. Cole starts
to exit left when he spots Chulo getting into the elevator.
CHULO
Hey, man, your car's looking good.
COLE
(crazed)
Where is it?
CHULO
Out front.
The elevator doors slam shut. Cole races out into the street.
EXT. HOTEL
Cole comes bursting out into the street. We can tell by his
shocked expression he doesn't like what he sees.
COLE
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
CAMERA PANS as he charges to his Porsche. His pride and joy
has now, thanks to Chulo, been customized into a Chicano
special. It's chopped and channeled; dingleberries rim the
back window, flames have been painted on the rear fender; a
chain steering wheel, fuzzy dashboard, dice hanging from the
mirror. A real East L.A. beauty.
ANGLE - COLE
He's snapped -- totally flipped. He turns and yells up to
the hotel:
COLE
(screaming)
Rick... Rick... Goddamn it.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - ANGLE - RICK
He's standing near the window.
RICK
Gee. I think that's for me.
He looks out the window and sees Cole standing next to his
transformed Porsche.
COLE
Rick... Debbie is mine. She'll always
be.
RICK
(yelling back)
Cole, when was the last time you had
a lobotomy?
COLE
(furious)
You've had it. I'm gonna get you.
ANGLE - THE STREET
Cole hops in his car and drives off, blowing his HORN at
oncoming traffic. The HORN PLAYS "LA CUCURACHA." Cole slams
his fist on the steering wheel in disgust.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
RICK
(to guys)
Don't you love it when old friends
stop by?
O'NEILL
(to Rick)
Hey, I'm starved... Let's go get
something to eat. We'll bring back
food for everybody.
RICK
I'm not really hungry.
O'NEILL
C'mon. I insist.
He grabs Rick by the arm and leads him out of the room.
INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT
Rick is finishing giving the food order to a WAITER. In the
b.g. we SEE O'Neill talking to a BELLHOP. The Bellhop is
pointing to a table. O'Neill thanks him and slips him some
money.
RICK
...couple more on rye. Lots of
fries... and a burger and diet soda.
Waiter acknowledges he's got it and exits. O'Neill joins
Rick.
O'NEILL
Let's sit down.
O'Neill leads Rick to the table the Bellhop pointed out.
They sit down. Immediately O'Neill takes some cash from his
pocket and holds it under the table.
ANGLE UNDER THE TABLE
Huddled underneath the table, hidden by the tablecloth, is a
HOOKER. Her specialty is coming right up. She grabs the bills
from O'Neill's hand. She tucks the money in her cleavage and
turns her talents to Rick. She unzips his fly.
RICK
He reacts to the ZIP SOUND.
RICK
What the hell is that?
O'NEILL
My gift to you.
RICK
Under the table!
O'NEILL
The best table in the house.
The Hooker has begun to do what she does best. And Rick loves
it.
RICK
...I think we can skip the wine list.
Oh, gee...
FATHER FALWELL
enters the restaurant. He spots Rick and O'Neill and crosses
to them.
FATHER FALWELL
Boys, good evening to you.
Rick tries to maintain his dignity. But from under the table
a blue ribbon job is being applied to his fun zone.
O'NEILL
Father Falwell, good evening.
Falwell shakes Rick's hand. Rick hangs on for dear life.
Pumping the hand up and down at a faster and faster rate.
RICK
Father... Oh, yes... yes... yesssss...
Oh, yesssssss!
Falwell pries his hand loose.
FATHER FALWELL
So, Rick, soon you will be a married
man. How does it feel?
RICK
Innnnnn-credible!
FATHER FALWELL
Well, nice seeing you both.
Rick's excitement heightens as the Hooker pulls out all stops.
RICK
Ooooooooh, Jesus, Oh God, God, God,
God, Oh Jesus, Jeeeesussss...
Father Falwell looks on rather perplexed. Rick sees Falwell's
puzzled look.
RICK
(continuing)
I was just saying grace.
FATHER FALWELL
How nice.
O'NEILL
You done?
Before Rick can speak we HEAR a VOICE from under the table.
HOOKER (O.S.)
Not yet.
Rick's hand EXITS FRAME and zips up his pants. Then Rick and
O'Neill get up.
RICK
Father, would you like to take our
table?
O'Neill can't believe what Rick is about to do.
FATHER FALWELL
Yes. Thank you.
He sits in Rick's spot. Rick leans on the table to say his
final farewell to the priest. He takes this moment to get
some money out of his pocket and hold it under the table.
UNDER THE TABLE
The Hooker grabs the money.
BACK TO SCENE
RICK
I think you'll enjoy this table.
O'NEILL
So long, Father.
He and Rick, suppressing a laugh, exit. Father Falwell picks
up the menu. We HEAR the ZIP SOUND. Father perks up. He
doesn't know what the hell is happening.
O'Neill turns to Rick as they're leaving the coffee shop.
O'NEILL
I don't get it. Why didn't you go
for it just now?
RICK
I don't know. Maybe it's because I
love Debbie or maybe it's hard for
me to get off in a place that smells
like egg salad. I'm not sure.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
Rick and O'Neill enter the suite. No one is there.
RICK
Where the hell is everybody?
Everyone jumps out from their hiding places. With our guys
is Gary and his team of FIVE PROSTITUTES.
GARY
Surprise!
(gesturing to the
girls)
The team bus just pulled in.
STAN
Hookers. It's a party!
RICK
All right!
One of our hookers, KELLEY, gets everyone's attention.
KELLEY
Who's first, guys?
Everyone acts as if they're in grade school. They raise their
hands; they come on like kids trying to get the teacher's
attention.
GUYS
Oh, me... me... me!
O'NEILL
Wait. The guest of honor should be
first.
RICK
Nah, that's okay. My brother has to
look up old people's asses all day
long. Let's give him a break.
STAN
Right. Give me the will to live. Let
me go first.
O'NEILL
A moving plea. Okay, Doc, you lead
off. I'll screw clean up.
Everyone cheers Stan's good fortune. Kelley takes Stan by
the hand and leads him into the bedroom. Gary turns on a
record and everyone starts dancing. Larry is laying out drugs
on a table. They consist of lines of coke and various happy
time pills of all colors and shapes. Rick takes a look at
the layout.
RICK
How thoughtful. A drug smorgasbord.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Chulo enters. He sees the party has taken off.
CHULO
I have returned!
He spots a sweet-faced young hooker, LAVERNE. She is prancing
around in her bra and underwear. Chulo wants her.
CHULO
(continuing; points
to her)
You! Mine!
Laverne is frightened of Chulo. Mainly because he's coming
at her like a sex-starved buffalo. Chulo goes after her.
Scared, she runs around the room, then out the door. Chulo
gives chase.
RICK
(to O'Neill)
Chulo's got such a nice, light touch
with women.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR
Laverne runs down the hall, closely pursued by Chulo. An all-
female NEW WAVE BAND comes to the door. O'Neill greets them.
O'NEILL
Terrific. You made it... You can set
up over there...
As they enter we go to --
INT. CORRIDOR
Chulo is on the heels of Laverne. She bursts through a door
to excape him.
INT. STAGE
Laverne finds herself on the stage of a beauty pageant, still
in her bra and panties. FIVE other LADIES are dressed in
their bathing suits. Chulo stops short of running on stage.
Laverne, seeking the safety of the moment, stands in line
with the contestants.
ANGLE ON MR. THOMERSON AND OTHER JUDGES
They like what they see.
MR. THOMERSON
(to another)
Great bathing suit.
EXECUTIVE
(indicating Laverne)
I think I screwed that one once.
INT. THOMERSON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Debbie and the shower guests are all in a state of undress.
We WATCH as they put on dresses and heavy makeup. Mrs.
Thomerson is still freaked out over her meeting with Nick
the Dick.
MRS. THOMERSON
I had his weiner right in my hands.
ILENE
I told you. Men are pigs... I saw
them standing there.
PHOEBE
What a gross thing to do... gawd!
ILENE
I bet right now Rick and his pals...
(she spits disdainfully)
...are knee deep in whores.
MRS. THOMERSON
A strange wang right in my palm.
DEBBIE
Ilene, we don't really know that.
BOBBIE
That's what we're going to find out...
DEBBIE
I feel like I'm spying on Rick.
ILENE
Good. That's just what we're doing.
TINA
I'll kill Stan if I find out he's
been screwing around.
Ilene shoves socks in her bra to enhance her cleavage and
defiantly slaps on her new dress.
ILENE
Brett, are you with us?
MRS. THOMERSON
(coming out of her
fog)
Yeah, sure... I was eye to eye with
an unfamiliar pud.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
The party is taking off. The all-girl band is going ape shit.
The guys are dancing with the hookers. They're all moving in
unison, to a gyrating New Wave dance step and singing along
with the MUSIC.
ANGLE - RYKO
He's wearing gravity boots, hanging upside down, entwined
around one of the hookers. They're hanging there, making out
like crazy. Gary passes by.
RYKO
Hey, Gary, spot me.
ANGLE - BEDROOM DOOR
Stan comes out of the bedroom. He's disheveled, but looks
very happy. He crosses to Rick.
STAN
Thanks a lot, that was the best.
You're next.
RICK
Nah, not yet. Look, you're my older
brother. I need some advice here.
What's the deal with marriage? What
can I expect?
STAN
Well, the first month it's great.
The second month things calm down a
little. By the third month you're
looking through your old girlfriends'
phone numbers; by the fourth month
you're numb; by the fifth month,
hopefully the football season starts.
RICK
Thanks, Stan, you've been a lot of
help.
Stan pats Rick on the back and dives into the festivities.
ANGLE - GARY
He spots someone across the room. It's like Tony spotting
Maria for the first time in "West Side Story." As in a DREAM
SEQUENCE, ALL SOUNDS STOP. Two pinspots hit them. She turns
and sees him. She smiles. Both are madly in love. Like two
pieces of metal attracted to the same magnet, they walk toward
each other.
GARY
Hi.
SHE
Hello.
They take each other by the hand. They walk into the bedroom
and close the door behind them.
The New Wave dance briefly continues, then comes to an end.
ANOTHER ANGLE - THE HOTEL ROOM
O'Neill grabs Ryko (who is just coming down from his gravity
bar) and Stan, who is wearing a pair of women's underwear on
his head.
O'NEILL
You guys better get going. It's
getting late.
STAN
Oh, right.
Ryko and Stan cross to the door and exit. As they do, four
or five pretty GIRLS are passing by in the hallway.
GIRL
Is there a party going on in there
or something?
RYKO
Yeah. It's great. Go on in.
The girls cross inside.
STAN
My God. Fresh meat. Let's hurry back.
INT. BATHROOM - TIGHT ON LARRY
There is a pained, tragic and extremely stoned out look on
his face as he sighs deeply and then summons up his courage.
WIDEN as he looks down at his right wrist.
He heaves another deep sigh and brings an electric razor
INTO FRAME. He turns it on and runs it over his wrist. Of
course, nothing happens. Just then Rick enters.
RICK
What the hell are you doing?
LARRY
I'm trying to slash my wrists.
RICK
You're trying to kill yourself with
an electric razor?
LARRY
I couldn't find any razor blades.
RICK
Well, this is terrific. Now you're
gonna have wrists that are smooth
and kissable. Just go out there.
Forget about everything and laugh it
up.
LARRY
(suddenly laughs like
a crazy man)
Ha, ha, ha.
RICK
No, have fun first. Then laugh. Now,
forget about marriage for a while.
Go party.
As he shoves Larry out, Gary enters the bathroom. His
expression tells us he's had the best sex of his life.
RICK
Gary, how we doing, big stallion?
GARY
Rick, I really think I'm in love.
RICK
This is cause for celebration. She'll
probably charge half price for sex
from now on.
Rick exits as Gary dreamily crosses to the mirror.
GARY
(into mirror)
This time it's real. She's wonderful.
Gary's "woman" enters and closes the door. Their eyes meet.
Gary takes her hand and kisses it gently. She turns away,
then lifts up the toilet seat, lifts up her dress and proceeds
to pee. She is a man. Gary is stunned. His jaw drops open.
Gary's dream girl/guy finishes his business. He drops his
dress and turns to Gary.
SHE
The name's Tim. I'm always available.
He blows a kiss and starts to leave, but turns back.
SHE/TIM
By the way... I also do engine work
on BMW's. 'Bye.
Tim exits. Gary feels filthy. He rips open the cabinet, takes
out tooth paste and toothbrush and vigorously brushes his
teeth. He rips off his clothes and jumps in the shower and
scrubs as if he's scraping barnacles off a hull of a tugboat.
EXT. STABLES - NIGHT
Ryko and Stan drive up to a country stable. They get out of
the car and open a barn door. Both are pleased at what they
see.
RYKO
All right.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Standing there is a donkey, eating straw.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Cole drives up in his Chulo-customized Porsche. He gets out,
then reaches back into the car and takes out a crossbow (the
heavy duty metal kind hunters use). He looks up menacingly
at the hotel and spots the room where the party is going on.
He sees another hotel across the way. He gets an idea and
enters the other hotel.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
The party is going full blast. Some other girls and a couple
of guys (hotel guests) enter the room and are quickly swept
up in the spirit of the party. O'Neill approaches Rick.
O'NEILL
Rick, I'm concerned.
RICK
About what?
O'NEILL
This is your bachelor party. You
haven't had sex with anyone yet.
RICK
(trying to joke his
way out of it)
Get a few drinks into me, we'll dance
and see what happens.
O'NEILL
I got something you can't resist. I
have a friend, Tracey. She wants to
meet you. She loves to please.
RICK
Oooooo.
O'NEILL
(indicating the bedroom)
Right in there, pal.
RICK
If I'm not out in a half hour, send
for the paramedics.
O'NEILL
That's the old Rick!
Rick enters the bedroom.
INT. BEDROOM
It's dark, but for a lamp on the nightstand which is on. In
one corner of the room we SEE the figure of a woman.
RICK
Hellooo!
Tracey walks toward Rick. The light illuminates her. What we
see is truly the most beautiful woman on earth. She is totally
nude. A vision that would make any man screw and ask questions
later.
RICK
(to himself;
overwhelmed by her)
Eat my chair!
TRACEY
Take me... please.
Rick instinctively makes a move toward her. He decides to go
for it.
RICK'S POV - TRACEY
Just then a strange thing happens to Tracey's face. It
transforms into Debbies.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Rick stops dead in his tracks. He can't believe it. Debbie's
face is now on Tracey's body.
TRACEY/DEBBIE
You promised me, Rick. You promised
you wouldn't make love to anyone
else.
Rick is shaken by this. He shakes his head and wipes at his
eyes. Debbie's face is gone. He moves toward Tracey again.
TRACEY
Her face transforms into Sister Mary Francis.
TRACEY/SISTER MARY FRANCIS
Don't go back on your word, Rick. Be
true; be strong.
Sister Mary Francis's face disappears.
ANOTHER ANGLE
RICK
I can't do it.
TRACEY
Her face becomes Stan's.
TRACEY/STAN
You nuts? Look at me, I'm beautiful!
Stan's face turns back to Tracey's.
ANOTHER ANGLE
All the kids from his bus are gathered around Tracey. They're
egging him on.
KIDS
Do it! Come on! Put her away! Go for
it!
Debbie's face appears on Tracey's.
TRACEY/DEBBIE
(pleading)
Don't Rick.
Debbie's face disappears. Rick can't take it anymore.
RICK
I can't do it. I love Debbie.
He runs out of the room, leaving a very confused Tracey in
his wake.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
O'Neill is waiting outside the bedroom door as Rick comes
out.
O'NEILL
How'd it go?
RICK
Put it to you this way -- you're
gonna have to pry her out of the bed
with a spatula, mister.
O'NEILL
I'm proud of you, lad.
Rick crosses to the bar area as O'Neill watches him go,
beaming.
INT. HOTEL ROOM ACROSS THE STREET - NIGHT
Cole enters the room. He runs to the window.
COLE'S POV
His window is right opposite the window in the hotel of Rick's
party.
COLE
He's pleased. Very pleased. He places an arrow into his
crossbow.
COLE'S POV
He's looking down his sights. Rick is the target... and an
easy one at that, for at this very moment Rick is crossing
past the window.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
The door opens and in walks Rajah, the Indian pimp. He looks
pissed. He's looking for Gary.
RAJAH
(angry)
Am looking for this dunghead who
took my women... He is being liar to
me. 45 minutes way over.
COLE'S POV
He has Rick right where he wants him.
CROSSBOW TRIGGER
Cole's finger squeezes off a shot.
RICK
Luckily he starts to dance with a female guest. This takes
him out of line of the arrow.
HOTEL SUITE WINDOW
The arrow zooms through the open window.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
Rajah is standing by the door. The arrow zips through the
room, misses everyone and lodges in the wall inches from
Rajah's head. He looks at the arrow and realizes he almost
was killed.
RAJAH
(frightened)
Holy Dung is this thing! I sic Milt
on you. He get back bitches. Me? I
haul ass.
He runs out of the room. Rick and O'Neill watch Rajah exit,
confused.
RICK
Who was that?
O'NEILL
I don't know.
RICK
(looking at arrow)
What's this?
O'NEILL
Got me.
Just then another arrow comes zipping through the room,
lodging in a chair inches from Rick.
RICK
(to new arrow)
How 'bout this?
O'NEILL
Still drawing a blank.
They turn in the direction the arrow came from and look out
the window. They spot Cole loading his bow in the room across
the way.
RICK
He look familiar?
O'NEILL
Very.
RICK
C'mon. Get the hookers in a circle.
We better put Cochise out of business.
They start for the door as we go to --
INT. BACKSTAGE OF BEAUTY PAGEANT
Chulo is waiting outside a door that says "Dressing Room."
Several of the beauty contestants race out wearing formal
gowns. Laverne follows them, wearing a very tight black dress.
Chulo approaches her.
LAVERNE
Stay away from me.
CHULO
I'm not gonna hassle you... Don't
worry. You look beautiful.
LAVERNE
(nervous)
Think so? I borrowed it from one of
the girls. I don't look too fat?
CHULO
You're an angel... A madonna.
Laverne is moved by this. Before she can respond a Stage
Manager takes her by the arm and pushes her on stage.
STAGE MANAGER
You're on.
Chulo watches Laverne enter the stage to hearty applause.
ANGLE - THE AUDIENCE
Mr. Thomerson and the other Judges sit in the front row making
notes.
MEDIUM SHOT - THE STAGE
The girls are lined up on pedestals as the MC approaches
Laverne
MC
All right, here is your question,
Miss... Er...
He looks through his cards hurriedly and is unable to find
Laverne's.
LAVERNE
Rivas.
MC
Miss Rivas... Yes... How would you
solve our country's present economic
problems?
LAVERNE
Who, me?
MC
Yes.
LAVERNE
That's a good question. From the way
I understand it, according to supply
side economics, when supply exceeds
demand, recession is the result.
That's why I think we should control
the credit markets and increase the
prime rate. That way, the consumer
price index will stabilize and we
will have economic recovery.
ANGLE - THE CROWD
They break into spontaneous applause.
ANGLE - CHULO
He is totally blown away.
ANGLE - LAVERNE
She smiles broadly at the applause and walks off stage. Chulo
moves alongside her.
CHULO
How'd you know all that stuff? You're
a real brain.
LAVERNE
Nah, I used to fuck a librarian.
Chulo looks at her with awe and respect as she exits into
the dressing room.
CHULO
Wow!
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Debbie, her mother and the girls enter the lobby. They
approach the Hotel Manager, who is standing behind the front
desk. They are dressed garishly, like hookers. Debbie has on
a cheap blonde wig and mini skirt. The Manager looks at them
the way one would look at an approaching plague.
DEBBIE
I don't believe we're doing this.
The Manager crosses to them.
MANAGER
Can I help you, ladies?
DEBBIE
Yes, we're looking for the Stahl
party.
MANAGER
Room 1002.
The girls turn and start toward the elevator. Mrs. Thomerson,
who is wearing the kind of push-up bra that makes her tits
look like the Black Hills, smiles at the Manager seductively.
He smiles back, then catches himself.
MANAGER
(to Bellboy)
Those guys are asking for it.
The girls cross to the elevator. Ilene pushes the button and
the doors swing open. They get inside and just before the
doors close, a huge behemoth of a man joins them inside. He
turns and faces CAMERA. It's Milt, Rajah's beefy helper. He
doesn't look happy as he eyes the girls. They look back at
him uncomfortably as the doors slam shut.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR
The elevator door opens. Milt has all the girls by the collar
and hustles them down the hall.
ILENE
You're making a big mistake.
MILT
Shut up. You still got another job
to do here.
MRS. THOMERSON
What kind of job? I'm a housewife.
DEBBIE
Quiet, Mother.
Milt stops at a door and kicks it with his foot. The door
opens a crack at first, then swings open wide, revealing six
middle-aged Japanese business MEN in their underwear. They
smile wide at the girls, obviously thrilled with the quality
of the merchandise delivered to them. Milt shoves them into
the room.
MILT
Get in there.
He slams the door shut and exits.
INT. JAPANESE GUYS' ROOM
The guys start to move toward our panicked girls. They speak
to each other in Japanese (with English subtitles)
JAPANESE ONE
Nice looking quim, huh, Bob?
JAPANESE TWO
Yeah, you know me, Ray, I've always
been a sucker for redheads.
JAPANESE FOUR
Hubba-hubba.
BOBBIE
Let's get out of here, girls.
They turn toward the door. One of the Japanese races over
and gets there first, slamming and bolting the door shut.
DEBBIE
Guys, take it easy. Guys.
The girls run around the room in a panic with the Japanese
chasing them in very hot pursuit.
EXT. COLE'S ROOM
Rick, O'Neill and Tracey quietly approach Cole's door. Tracey
is dressed in a see-through negligee.
RICK
This is it.
(he positions Tracey
outside the door)
Go get 'im.
He and O'Neill duck around the hallway corner, out of sight.
INT. COLE'S ROOM
He is at the window, holding his crossbow. He is frantically
searching the bachelor party across the way for any sign of
Rick.
COLE
Where the hell is he?
He hears a KNOCK on the DOOR. Cole quickly hides his crossbow
under the bed and answers the door.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Tracey stands in the open door. Cole's jaw drops open. He
has never seen anything as lovely.
COLE
Yeah?
TRACEY
Make love to me... please.
She walks into the room. Cole closes the door.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE COLE'S DOOR
Rick and O'Neill run up to the door. They listen closely. We
HEAR the SOUND of Cole's SHIRT being RIPPED off, the buttons
flying around the room, then the SOUND of his pant ZIPPER
being undone.
RICK
T minus... 3... 2... 1. We have
ignition.
e and O'Neill burst into the room and close the door.
COLE (O.S.)
Hey!
INT. COLE'S ROOM
O'Neill is tying the end of a sheet around the bed post. We
SEE the bed is minus its sheets and blankets.
O'NEILL
All set here.
ANOTHER ANGLE
The guys have tied the sheets and blankets together and made
a rope. The other end is tied around Cole's chest. And that's
all Cole is wearing; he's nude.
COLE
You guys are never going to get away
with this.
Rick stuffs Cole's underwear in his mouth to gag him.
RICK
We're just going to keep you in a
safe place until after the party.
He and O'Neill lift Cole up and put him out the window. They
hang onto the sheet/blanket rope and lower him slowly outside.
EXT. HOTEL
We SEE Cole being lowered from the window.
CLOSER ON COLE
He's struggling, but can do nothing about his predicament.
He looks down.
COLE'S POV
The hotel parking lot is ten stories below.
COLE
He looks up to the guys.
RICK AND O'NEILL
They look down at him from the window above.
RICK
Now, don't get into any trouble.
O'NEILL
Take care.
RICK & O'NEILL
Byeeeee!
They duck inside the window.
INT. COLE'S ROOM
Rick, O'Neill and Tracey exit the room.
RICK
(to Tracey)
Don't you wish you were a guy so you
could have fun like this?
COLE
He's scared to death.
INT. COLE'S ROOM
We SEE that Cole's weight is pulling the bed to the window.
COLE
He's slowly lowering down the side of the building.
INT. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
A YOUNG COUPLE enters the room. They are very much in love.
He gives her a kiss and closes the door.
MAN
Why don't you get comfortable?
She smiles coyly and starts to undress. He crosses to the
closed blinds.
MAN
(continuing)
There's a wonderful moon out tonight.
He opens the blinds, revealing Cole's ass pressed up against
the window.
WOMAN
She screams, horrified.
INT. JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN'S ROOM
The girls are being hotly pursued by the Japanese men.
JAPANESE/RAY
(subtitled)
Hey, Bob, this beats the shit out of
sushi, doesn't it?
INT. COLE'S ROOM
The bed moves right up against the wall under the window. We
SEE the end tied to the bed post is beginning to untie.
COLE
He's panicked.
INT. COLE'S ROOM
The knot unties.
COLE
He falls OUT OF FRAME. The "rope" trailing behind.
INT. CAR
The young couple from the room are seated in his sportscar.
He's cranking open the sun roof.
MAN
Babe, I didn't know anything about
that.
The sun roof opens. Suddenly Cole's ass sticks through it.
The Woman freaks out again.
EXT. SPORTSCAR
We SEE a groggy Cole sitting in the sun roof. The Man in the
car is trying to calm down his lady.
INT. BANQUET ROOM - BACKSTAGE
Chulo and Laverne are standing in the wings while in the
b.g. we can SEE the MC singing the Moosehead Beer jingle.
Then:
MC
All right, can we have our five
finalists, please.
CHULO
Good luck, Laverne.
Laverne and the five finalists go out on stage.
ANGLE - MR. THOMERSON
He gives an envelope to the MC.
MC
Thank you, Mr. Thomerson. Well, the
judges have made their decision, and
this year's Miss Moosehead Beer is...
ANGLE - THE GIRLS
They are all nervous, especially Laverne.
MC
Laverne Rivas.
Laverne squeals with delight and hugs the MC as he puts the
bejeweled crown on her head. Then the MC leads her to the
microphone.
LAVERNE
(teary-eyed)
I can't believe it. This is the
happiest day of my life, and I owe
it all to him.
She points O.S. to Chulo, Chulo, with tears in his eyes,
comes out on stage and, in a surge of emotion, picks Laverne
up off her feet and hugs her passionately.
ANGLE - THE JUDGES
JUDGE
I know I've had that girl.
MR. THOMERSON
(looking at Chulo)
And I know that guy from somewhere,
too.
The other judge looks at Mr. Thomerson suspiciously.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
CAMERA PUSHES IN TO a car in the parking lot which is towing
a U-Haul trailer behind it. The car stops and turns off its
lights.
INT. CAR
Stan and O'Neill sit in the car looking at the hotel.
STAN
How the hell are we supposed to get
this donkey inside?
RYKO
I don't know.
STAN
What? I thought you told me you had
it all figured out.
RYKO
Maybe I did... I don't remember.
STAN
(through clenched
teeth)
I'd love to get you in an operating
room. Just once.
ANGLE - HOTEL ENTRANCE
Just then the "Moose" from the beauty pageant steps outside
the hotel for a smoke.
The guy in front removes the head, takes a drag of his
cigarette and passes it to the guy bringing up the rear.
After a beat, smoke steams out the rear end of the costume.
ANGLE - THE GUYS IN THE CAR
They both have the same idea. They stroll out of the car and
approach the two men in the moose suit. We can't hear what
they're saying, but we can SEE the bills Stan is taking out
of his pocket. Ryko grabs the moosehead and runs over to the
trailer with it.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER
The door opens and Stan and Ryko enter pulling the "Moose"
by a rope.
RYKO
Can you believe how perfect it fits?
STAN
Yeah. Who'd have thought they'd both
be a size 138 regular.
Just then Rick and O'Neill saunter into the lobby.
O'NEILL
Hey, you guys...
RICK
Who's your friend?
STAN
(keeping it a surprise)
Oh... it's... er... the guys from
the beer convention. We're bringing
them to the party.
RICK
Great.
(to moose)
I was wondering, how do you guys go
to the bathroom in that thing?
At that moment he HEARS a SPLAT hit the ground. The guys
look down and see a large, shiny clump of shiny brown
excrement nestled in the shag carpet.
RICK
(continuing)
Say no more.
The Manager crosses to them.
MANAGER
I don't know which one of you did
this, but you're not going anywhere
till you clean up this disgusting
mess.
O'NEILL
(resigned)
Anybody got a paper towel or a shovel
or something?
All the guests turn away in disgust. Stan takes out a
handkerchief and hands it to Rick, who closes his eyes and
picks up the warm little bundle. The Manager turns and walks
off in a huff. On the way back to the elevator, Rick checks
to see no one is watching and places the handkerchief's
contents on the front desk, just OUT OF FRAME. Smiling
contentedly, the guys lead the reluctant "moose" into the
elevator. The doors slam shut.
ANGLE AT THE DESK
The Manager is just finishing checking in a couple from out
of town.
MANAGER
I'll have the boy take your bags up.
He goes to hit the bell and to his surprise, his hand comes
down on something soft and mushy. The look on his face tells
us what it is. It's the "gift" Rick left behind.
MANAGER
(to couple)
Excuse me. I seem to have a hand
full of potty.
Revolted, he races into a room marked "MEN."
ANGLE - BALLROOM DOORS
The doors open and several people from the Moosehead beauty
pageant come out. Mr. Thomerson is one of them.
EXECUTIVE
Thanks for helping us out, Ed. We
appreciate it.
MR. THOMERSON
Any time, Al.
Mr. T. crosses to the door just as Cole comes running in,
slightly dazed, wrapped in the tattered remnants of the sheet
that held him suspended out the window. They both are shocked
to see one another.
MR. THOMERSON
Cole, my God, boy, what are you doing
here? What happened?
COLE
(nearly hysterical)
The bachelor party's upstairs. They
made me get naked. They hung me from
the window so high up it was so scary
I fell down...
MR. THOMERSON
Take hold of yourself. What room are
they in?
COLE
1002.
MR. THOMERSON
All right, I'll go up there and take
care of this myself.
(disgusted)
You look awful, son. Go find yourself
some clothes.
COLE
Yes, sir.
With a determined look, Thomerson crosses to the elevator,
as Cole runs into the hotel gift shop.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
Rick, Ryko, Stan, O'Neill enter with the "moose."
RICK
Hi, guys. We brought back a friend.
LARRY
It's Bullwinkle.
O'NEILL
Gentlemen... Ladies... For your
viewing pleasure, meet Mike the
Magical Sexual Mule.
O'Neill lifts the head off the moose costume, revealing a
real burro. The burro shows all his teeth as burros are apt
to do when excited. O'Neill and Stan zip off the rest of his
costume, revealing a well-endowed beast.
RICK
(surprised)
How about this, a Trojan donkey.
O'NEILL
And here's Mike's partner, in more
ways than one. A gal who doesn't
think happiness ends with primates.
The very lovely, Miss Desiree...
DESIREE, an erotic, tall woman wearing a leather face mask,
comes out of the bedroom carrying a long whip. Desiree puts
Ravel's "Bolero" on the PHONOGRAPH; then she starts to sway
her hips sensuously in front of the animal.
ANGLE - THE PARTY GUESTS
They all scream and holler approval.
ANGLE - DESIREE
She rubs up against the donkey, shaking her backside against
the animal's.
RICK
Swell. She's gonna pin her tail on
the donkey.
Now all eyes are on Desiree as she does an erotic striptease.
ANGLE - THE DONKEY
It is getting bored and a little hungry. It bends its head
to the left and spots the table with food on it. It bends
over and starts munching on some cole slaw.
ANGLE - DESIREE
To the catcalls of the partygoers, Desiree is getting all
worked up, stripping down to a G-string.
THE DONKEY
It's had enough cole slaw. Now it sniffs at Larry's drug
smorgasbord and then starts to chomp on a few pills. Next it
sticks its head into the lines of coke and snorts them up in
one gigantic sniff.
ANGLE - DESIREE
She lets her long, flowing hair hang down over her breasts.
Then she takes a mattress and sets it on the floor. She rolls
on it and sways her hips sensuously on her knees.
ANGLE - HER AUDIENCE
Rick can't believe he's seeing this. The other guys are
screaming at the top of their lungs. Even Larry seems spell-
bound.
ANGLE - THE DONKEY
It doesn't look so hot as it finishes off every drug on the
table.
ANGLE - DESIREE
She moves over to the donkey, hits him on the side gently
with her whip, then pulls him over to her mattress. The
donkey's blood-shot eyes are the size of saucers. Once again
he shows his teeth in a kind of shit-eating grin. Desiree
drops to the mattress and beckons the animal to her. Mike
the Donkey obediently does as he's told, moving to her in a
trance-like, very turned-on state.
DESIREE
C'mon, Mike... Come to Mama.
The Donkey takes another step forward, and then suddenly
rears up on his hind legs, snorting. He starts bucking wildly.
The crowd moves out of his way as the animal goes berserk
for a few seconds, then without warning collapses in a heap
on the floor.
Everyone goes rushing up to it.
Chulo and Laverne enter the room, followed by several of the
other contestants and others from the beauty pageant.
CHULO
(excited)
Hey, you guys, I'm getting married.
(to Laverne)
We're gonna make lots of kids.
He looks over and sees everyone gathered around Mike.
CHULO
What the hell happened?
Gary shushes him. We PUSH IN ON Dr. Stan, who is listening
for signs of life in the animal's chest. Finally Stan stands
up somberly.
STAN
Drug overdose.
DESIREE
You mean it's...
STAN
Afraid so. I did everything I could.
LARRY
It's my fault. He's dead because...
I left those drugs...
RICK
It's really not all your fault. I
was talking to Mike earlier and he
had a lot of problems. Personal
things, you know. Made some bad
investments. At least now he's
peaceful...
O'NEILL
C'mon, we gotta get this thing out
of here.
O'Neil places the moosehead on the donkey as Rick, Gary,
Chulo and Stan pull the donkey out into the hall like
pallbearers at a funeral.
INT. HALLWAY
Mr. Thomerson, who's been standing at the door, takes this
time to sneak into the suite right behind them.
INT. RICK'S SUITE
Mr. Thomerson can't believe the goings-on. People are making
out, drinking and dancing. He hides in a corner to watch
undercover.
ANGLE IN CORRIDOR
The guys shove the donkey onto the elevator and the doors
snap shut.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
MANAGER
(on phone)
Yes... I see... Of course we don't
allow that sort of thing here, ma'am.
No... Well, I'm sorry the noise woke
you. I'll take care of it right away.
He hangs up and crosses to the elevator.
MANAGER
I've had enough of this.
Just then the elevator door swings open. The donkey falls
out into the lobby. The Manager screams in terror, as do
several of the hotel guests.
MANAGER
(continuing)
That's it. I'm calling the cops.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
Some more uninvited guests come drifting into the room.
RICK
Welcome, welcome, one and all.
MR. THOMERSON (O.S.)
Rick!
RICK
(recognizing the voice)
Oh, no!
He turns and spots Mr. Thomerson as he makes his way through
the party.
RICK
Christ... it's Mr. Laughs.
Mr. Thomerson goes nose to nose with Rick.
MR. THOMERSON
This is it. You're through. When
Debbie hears about this she'll never
see you again. Now I'm calling the
cops to break up this sex orgy...
And toss your ass in jail!
He turns away and walks OUT OF FRAME. O'Neill crosses to
Rick.
O'NEILL
What are you going to do about it?
RICK
(defeated)
What can I do? I'm dead. Debbie's
going to go crazy and end the whole
thing.
O'NEILL
I'll stop him... You stall him.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Mr. Thomerson is heading for the phone in the bedroom.
RICK
Mr. Thomerson!
Thomerson stops and turns to Rick.
RICK
(continuing; dramatic)
Please, no. Don't ruin my life.
Please!
He drops to his knees and hugs Thomerson's legs. The party
stops and everyone watches.
RICK
(continuing)
It's not me. I was brought up on the
wrong side of the tracks. A victim
of my environment...
INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - O'NEILL AND LARRY
Larry is handing O'Neill a plastic bag filled with white
powder.
O'NEILL
Is that all the coke in the place?
LARRY
That's it.
O'NEILL
Good.
O'Neill unscrews the mouthpiece off the phone. He pours the
bag of cocaine into the phone. He then screws the mouthpiece
back on over this mound of powder. Satisfied with his work,
he exits the bedroom.
INT. SUITE - MAIN ROOM
Thomerson is trying to free himself from Rick's grasp as
Rick continues with his "hard luck" story.
RICK
My poor old mammy had to take in
laundry. My pappy had to work 20
hours a day at the Pez Factory.
ANOTHER ANGLE
O'Neill gestures to Rick that everything's ready. Rick
immediately jumps to his feet.
RICK
The end.
MR. THOMERSON
No sob story is going to change my
mind.
Mr. Thomerson pushes O'Neill aside and enters the bedroom.
O'NEILL
The phone's all yours.
Mr. Thomerson, in the bedroom, picks up the receiver. As he
does so, a cloud of cocaine falls out of the mouthpiece. He
screams at Rick, gesturing with the phone in his hand as he
dials. Each move produces a large cloud of powder, which
causes him to sniffle slightly.
MR. THOMERSON
I never liked you. I've never liked
any of your friends. I've hated you
from the first time I saw you. And
now you are out of my life. You are
out of my life!
He starts to react from inhaling the powder. He puts the
receiver to his ear. He takes a deep breath and tries to
dial another number. A large cloud of coke flies up his nose.
He's stunned. He takes another deep drag. He's hooked. He
forgets all about dialing. He jams the receiver against his
nose and takes deep drag after deep drag.
Desiree, still wearing her leather mask, crosses to him and
sits down next to him on the bed. He gives her a big, wide
smile.
O'Neill closes the door.
O'NEILL
Reach out and snort someone.
RICK
I'm saved. Let's party!
Everyone starts to whoop it up again.
INT. JAPANESE SUITE
It's still a standoff between the girls and the horny
Japanese.
DEBBIE
Let's give them what they want.
PHOEBE
What?
Debbie opens the bedroom door and motions for the Japanese
to file in.
DEBBIE
Let's go. Everyone inside.
The Japanese immediately put two and two together and get
orgy. These are some happy fellas as they enter the bedroom.
BOBBIE
Deb, we're pretending to be hookers.
DEBBIE
(herding in the last
Japanese)
Right in here. The big show starts
in one minute.
The Japanese man enters the room. Debbie slams the door shut
behind him.
DEBBIE
Let's go.
ILENE
Look, girls -- I'll stay behind and
hold them off. The rest of you break
for it!
DEBBIE
Ilene, are you crazy?
ILENE
I know what I'm doing... Go!
The girls run out the door.
INT. JAPANESE BEDROOM
Ilene smiles. She has what she wants. She walks into the
bedroom, surrounded by panting Japanese.
ILENE
Gentlemen, the gods have answered
your prayers... Bonzai!
She takes a running leap and dives on top of the Japanese.
INT. CORRIDOR
Debbie and the ladies run to an elevator. Debbie presses the
"down" button.
MRS. THOMERSON
I hope Ilene's all right.
DEBBIE
I hope those guys are all right.
The elevator door opens, revealing the donkey lying flat on
his back. His stiff legs point skyward. The girls see him
and scream. They run down the hall to the stairway. On the
way Debbie notices she's passing Room 1002. She HEARS the
party SOUNDS inside.
She heads for the room angrily. This is a lady out to even a
score.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
As Debbie opens the door, her father walks by with Desiree
on his arm. Neither sees the other. Debbie enters the room.
She is surprised by the masses of humanity rubbing shoulders
with one another in the room.
O'Neill looks over from the other side of the room and spots
her. He isn't fooled for a minute by her wig and mini skirt.
He runs over to Rick.
O'NEILL
Guess who's here? Another surprise
guest.
RICK
Who?
O'NEILL
Debbie.
RICK
My Debbie?
O'NEILL
What's with her costume?
O'Neill points and Rick sees Debbie. She doesn't see them.
RICK
(continuing)
I don't know... Go up to her, make
like you don't know her and send her
into the other bedroom.
O'NEILL
You got it.
O'Neill crosses to Debbie.
O'NEILL
(continuing)
Hi, baby. You're new here. I don't
think the groom's had you yet, has
he?
PUSH IN ON Debbie. She's pissed.
DEBBIE
No, not yet. Where is he?
INT. BEDROOM
Rick opens the door from the bathroom. The lights are turned
off and from the flashing illumination of a neon sign outside
the window we can MAKE OUT the outline of Debbie's body on
the bed.
RICK
I can't see anything.
Debbie, in a disguised Southern accent, speaks out.
DEBBIE
Don't turn on the lights, sugar.
(seductively)
I'll lead you around.
RICK
How wonderful. A seeing eye hooker.
DEBBIE
Why don't you get undressed.
Rick starts to undress. While undressing, he takes on the
persona of Mr. Rodgers. He sings Rodgers' opening theme in
that same sappy, child-like manner of his.
RICK
(singing)
It's a lovely day in the neighborhood.
It's a lovely day, it's a beauty,
would you be mine, could you be mine.
(he's now stripped
down to his underwear)
...Please won't you be my neighbor.
(as Mr. Rodgers)
Hi... Hi there... Today we're going
to learn about anatomy...
He jumps on top of her and starts mauling her passionately.
Debbie snaps on the lights. She throws off her wig and she
and Rick come face to face.
RICK
(continuing)
Debbie... you're a hooker! I can't
believe it!
She all but jumps out of bed.
DEBBIE
I can't trust you!
RICK
C'mon, I knew it was you.
DEBBIE
(holding back tears)
Rick, you're lying!
As Rick protests, she throws on her blouse and runs out of
the room. Rick charges after her.
INT. HOTEL SUITE - MAIN ROOM
The place is wall to wall people.
ANGLE - DEBBIE
She tries to make her way to the exit, but her path is slowed
by all the happy revelers.
DEBBIE
(yelling over the
din; furious)
Let go of me!
RICK
(yelling back)
Debbie, I'm telling you, I didn't do
anything, hardly.
DEBBIE
The marriage is off. Now you can
screw around with your friends for
the rest of your life.
RICK
I don't want that. I want to be with
you.
DEBBIE
And I want to be with someone who
understands the meaning of the word
commitment.
RICK
I am committed. I love you.
Just then Desiree and Mr. Thomerson cross THROUGH FRAME.
She's leading him around by the silver chain, which is now
attached to his neck. She's also carrying a leather whip.
DEBBIE
I don't believe you.
RICK
You don't believe me? Okay, fine.
Rick gets up on the sofa and yells loudly over the din.
RICK
(continuing)
People! Can I have your attention...
people!
Everyone stops what they're doing and looks up.
RICK
(continuing)
I want to ask you all a question.
Have I had sex with anybody in this
room tonight?
There's a negative response from the crowd.
RICK
(continuing)
Are you sure?
Everyone responds positively.
RICK
(continuing)
Thank you.
All the guests go back to partying. Rick drops off the sofa
and faces Debbie.
RICK
(continuing)
See? And these are not just ordinary
party-goers -- there are professionals
in this crowd -- I didn't want any
of them. You... You're what I want.
Understand?
DEBBIE
(melted)
Yes...
RICK
Great. Now, what do you want to do
about it?
DEBBIE
(sexy)
Let's get naked.
RICK
You're on.
She takes him by the hand and crosses into the other bedroom.
INT. OTHER BEDROOM
Rick and Debbie enter. To their surprise they find a man
wearing a leather mask tied to the bed and happily licking
Desiree's boots, which she dangles in front of him. She also
holds a whip over his head. Despite the mask, there is
something very familiar about his face, and the white powder
encrusted all over his nose.
Debbie picks up on this immediately.
DEBBIE
(shocked)
Daddy?
Sure enough, Mr. Thomerson looks up and grimaces, knowing
he's been caught with his bondage down. He tries to say
something, but the boot in his mouth prevents anything
intelligent from coming out.
MR. THOMERSON
Ebbie. Ger... umph... lable...
RICK
Of course, sir. That explains it.
Leather is a very good source of
vitamin E.
INT. SUITE - MAIN ROOM
The party has reached fever pitch. Suddenly police SIRENS
pierce through the party sounds. Everyone freezes. We HEAR
the Hotel Manager BEATING on the DOOR with his fists.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR
The Manager is pounding on the door. By his side are several
UNIFORMED POLICE.
MANAGER
You're all under arrest. Open up!
INT. HOTEL SUITE
RICK
(to everyone in the
room)
Your attention, please. May I be the
first to say, It's a raid!
Everyone starts to panic and run for the doors.
RICK
(continuing)
I'm glad no one is panicking.
He snaps up his clothes from the bedroom.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR
MANAGER
(to Police)
Break it in, boys!
The cops rear back for a run at the door. At that moment the
hotel door opens up and the cops and the Manager are trampled
by Rick, Debbie, Mr. Thomerson, Rick's gang, other guests
and assorted hookers. They run down the stairs. The cops
pick themselves up and give chase. The Manager looks inside
the room and is devastated by what he sees... Hiroshima looked
better after the A-bomb.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
We SEE the police have collared Bobbie, Phoebe, Mrs. Thomerson
and the other ladies of the shower as hooker suspects. Our
bachelor party mob now charges down the stairs and out the
hotel doors.
The cops grab Mr. Thomerson as he tries to get out, and they
throw him in line with the others. Unfortunately for him,
he's standing next to Mrs. Thomerson.
MRS. THOMERSON
Ed! What are you doing here?
Before he can answer, Mrs. Thomerson checks out his shocking
leather outfit.
MRS. THOMERSON
(angry)
Ed... you're kinky!
MR. THOMERSON
The phone made me do it!
MRS. THOMERSON
(shocked)
You've been having strange sex...!
MR. THOMERSON
No, Brett, I...
MRS. THOMERSON
It's all right...
(proudly)
So have I.
He is totally blown away by this as the cops lead them out
of the room.
MRS. THOMERSON
I've seen another man's diddly.
EXT. HOTEL - MORNING
Our people pile out of the hotel. Rick, Debbie and all Rick's
friends run down the street.
Suddenly a Porsche pulls up between Rick and Debbie. It's
Cole. He reaches over and pulls Debbie into the car with
him. She screams.
RICK
Cole, what the hell are you doing?
COLE
She's mine!
He drives off.
RICK
He's kidnapped her! Everyone into
the bus!
They all board the bus.
EXT. CITY STREET
As Cole rounds a corner, a tire comes loose and rolls off
the car -- thanks to Chulo's shoddy workmanship.
INT. PORSCHE
COLE
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
He looks to the rear and sees Rick's bus not far behind them.
Suddenly he spots something O.S. He grabs Debbie and runs
OUT OF FRAME.
EXT. CITY STREET
A city maintenance truck is driving slowly down the center
of the street. A man in the back of the truck is leisurely
placing orange cones in the center line of the road.
Cole, with Debbie in tow, grabs the truck's DRIVER and hauls
him out of his seat. He then places Debbie inside the truck
and him at the wheel. He peels out. Our man with the cones
in the back is unaware of what has happened. He keeps placing
the cones on the street. However, now the truck is hitting
speeds in the upper 70's. The man's leisure pace speeds up.
He rapidly places cones on the road at break-neck speed.
INT. RICK'S BUS
Rick, is plowing into the cones and knocking them all over.
MAINTENANCE TRUCK
Our man with the cones is almost completely exhausted.
EXT. HIGHWAY
Rick is in pursuit, knocking over cones. He's almost caught
up with Cole.
EXT. STREET
The vehicles reach the top of the hill. Cole grabs a sharp
left and pulls into a movie theater parking lot. The maneuver
loses Rick for a second. Rick jams on the brakes and doubles
back into the parking lot.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER PARKING LOT
Cole pulls up with a SCREECH in front of the theater. He
grabs Debbie and jumps out of the truck. He drags her into
the theater entrance.
Rick brings his bus to a stop and he and the gang pour out
of the bus.
COLE
He and Debbie stand outside the
theater, which is a multi-plex cinema.
Fourteen movie theaters under one
roof. Prominent is a sign which reads:
"24 HOUR 3D FESTIVAL!" Cole drags
Debbie into one of the theaters. The
gang runs up to the theaters.
RICK
Fan out and look for them.
They all go running into various theaters.
ANGLE - RYKO
He approaches a theater and sees the title of the movie
playing inside.
RYKO
Aw, I've seen this one already.
Rick chooses a theater and goes inside.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
The patrons are wearing their 3D glasses, watching the action
on the screen. On the movie screen we SEE a man and a woman
arguing. Cole and Debbie enter the theater. They run down to
the front of the screen, heading for an exit. Rick enters.
He gives chase and catches up with Cole.
He takes a swing at Cole and Cole swings back. Behind them
on the screen a man has come to the rescue of the woman.
A fight starts in the movie, also. The patrons sit calmly
watching the action. Miraculously, Rick's fight with Cole is
in perfect sync with the actors in the movie. Rick hits Cole
with a punch that sends him backwards into several movie
patrons. The patrons are impressed by the realism of the
film's special effects. Cole throws a punch. Rick ducks. The
punch hits a MAN in the front row in the mouth.
MAN
(to LADY next to him)
Gee, what a realistic effect.
WOMAN
Yeah, like you're in the movie with
them.
Rick climbs over several rows and continues to pummel Cole.
Cole grabs a woman's purse and begins to hit Rick with it.
Cole runs out of the aisle as Rick climbs over people and
dives onto Cole, knocking him to the aisle.
PATRON
(to his date)
Best 3D I've ever seen.
As the movie ends, Rick has Cole by the collar and is dragging
him out of the theater.
INT. MALL OUTSIDE THEATER
Rick exits the theater with Cole. He tosses Cole to Chulo.
Debbie comes running behind Rick.
RICK
(to Debbie)
Are you okay?
DEBBIE
Yeah.
RICK
This has been quite a night. Here's
a thought. Why don't we go home and
give our private parts a workout?
DEBBIE
(hugging him)
You're so romantic...
The Patrons are exiting. All of them are very up and excited
by their 3D experience.
WOMAN
Absolutely amazing.
A Man who has taken a punch and has had his jacket ripped to
shreds doesn't seem pleased.
MAN
I've seen better.
EXT. BLUFF - DAY
It's another gorgeous day on the bluff overlooking the ocean.
Just right for Rick and Debbie's wedding. We SEE the wedding
in progress. The area is adorned with flowers.
The many guests are seated and taken in the moment. Among
these are Tracey, Desiree and Gary's she-man, who waves to
Gary as he stands with the other ushers, Chulo, Ryko and
Larry. Chulo is choked up and trying to hide his tears. He
looks over at Laverne, who smiles to him.
CHULO
(to Ryko)
Hey, man, don't forget my bachelor
party's next Friday night.
GARY
I'll get the hookers.
RYKO
No way.
Nearby stand the maids of honor, Bobbie, Phoebie and Ilene,
who blows a kiss to her date, Ray (one of the Japanese
businessmen).
The Thomersons sit in the front row. Neither of them is
cherishing this moment.
MR. THOMERSON
(sotto; to Mrs.
Thomerson)
We'll have morons for grandkids.
(resigned to the fact)
But... at least we'll have grandkids.
They sort of smile at each other at the thought.
Father Falwell is almost through with the ceremony. A car
pulls up in the b.g. Exiting the car is Stan and a WOMAN.
O'Neill, the best man, sees the car. He pokes Rick. He
indicates to Rick someone has arrived.
STAN
We SEE the man in the car is Stan. He ushers the lady in the
car to Larry. He's surprised at who she is: his wife.
LARRY
Sue!
SUE
Hi, honey.
LARRY
How'd you get here?
SUE
Rick called me.
Larry looks to Rick and gives him a warm smile and a wave.
Rick acknowledges Larry.
LARRY
Why don't we go someplace and talk.
They walk off.
FATHER FALWELL
FATHER FALWELL
Now, before I pronounce you man and
wife, the groom wishes to recite his
vow to Debbie. Richard.
THOMERSONS
They fear the worst.
MR. THOMERSON
Oh, God Almighty.
RICK
He turns to Debbie. He waits a beat and begins.
RICK
Cheese. I love you more than cheese.
And I love cheese a lot.
THOMERSONS
They hide their faces in their hands.
Off in the distance a storm is coming
in fast over the ocean. The wind
begins to pick up. Undaunted, Rick
continues his soliloquy.
RICK
In fact, more than dairy products in
general. I love dairy. My love is
cream. Pour me on the cereal of your
life...
Now it starts to rain.
FATHER FALWELL
He wants this to end. He calls softly to Rick, trying to get
his attention.
FATHER FALWELL
Rick. Rick. Hey...
People begin to scurry for cover. In the b.g., under a tree,
we SEE Larry and his wife huddled in each other's arms. From
the way they look, they have worked things out.
RICK
RICK
I think this song pretty much sums
up the way I feel at this moment.
He begins to sing the theme from "The Flintstones" with all
the gusto of Jack Jones.
Father Falwell has had enough.
FATHER FALWELL
(rapid fire)
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Goodbye.
He blesses them lightning fast and springs for his car.
THE SCENE
CREDITS ROLL as Rick continues to sing in the driving rain.
Debbie joins in on the chorus. She loves her man.
Everyone has run for the safety of their cars. Everyone but
the Thomersons, who sit and look on bewildered.
RICK AND DEBBIE
"Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
They're a prehistoric family From
the town of Bedrock They're a page
right out of history..."
FADE OUT:
THE END
