44 INCH CHEST
Written by
Louis Mellis & David Scinto
PROLOGUE
Stagnant black water ... Greasy. Pitch. Thick. Oily.
Dense. Heavy... Lapping... Slow.... A desolate canal... Night.
Onto dark stones... rain-slicked... darkest slate-grey cobbles...
And on through streets... Narrow. Grimy. Sooty. Rank...
Deserted...
Pastal-disused Victorian broken-windowed, derelict
buildings and wharf side warehouses with rotten oaky loading
beams and rusted iron chains... Mossy, mildewed walls... Dripping
fetid water from corroded dilapidated ancient ruined
guttering...
Moving... Turning... Into a pinched, arched, alleyway -- If
anything darker, blacker... Foreboding... Forsaken...
And if we listen -- If we strain our ears -- listen -- we can
hear music -- faint. Ghostly. Haunting ... "Take Me Back To
Dear Ol' Blighty " as if sung by a jolly girl in a long gone
bar surrounded by drunken men...
We keep moving... The music growing... In the distance a faint
glow.... Dirty-yellow, diffused, misty light... We move towards
it... Towards the piss-coloured light...
We stop... In the middle of nowhere... Dark nowhere... and the
music fades... Fades away... Vanished... Extreme silence... All we
have is all we can see...
The gable end of an old house.... Limey-light bleeding weakly
from a broken, filthy window... All is still -- suddenly it
comes crashing down -- the end wall comes crashing down - a
flurry of bricks and mortar... Crashing down... The tumble of
masonry... And through clouds of brick-dust and rubble we see
figures inside... Through a smokey powdered fog we can see a
group of men in the downstairs room of the derelict house...
On the walls faded 40's wallpaper, peeling in parts to reveal
older dim patterns... damp patches... A window crudely boarded
up... A few unmatched armchairs in various states of disrepair
-- a 60's black vinyl, a deco-patterned smoker, a 70's cream
plastic, a brown wooden kitchen chair etc... The colours in
the room are browns, greys, caramels, darks, muted...
In the middle of the room, standing on dusty, bare wooden
floorboards, his fist clenched aggressively by his sides, is
OLD MAN PEANUT, aged 80... Skinny... Wearing a dark three piece
suit... Gold watch chain... Black Homburg... He is squaring up to
us... Staring...
3.
CONTINUED: (2)
Slightly behind, to his left, sitting nonchalantly cross-
legged in a battered brown leather wingback armchair and
casually smoking a Davidoff cigarette, is MEREDITH, late
40's... Suave... Immaculate... Wearing black handmade boots, black
Saville Row suit, black cashmere roll neck sweater, herring
bone overcoat with a black velvet collar, brown leather
gloves, his jet-black hair is heavily brilliantined.... Behind
him an old wardrobe...
Standing with his back three quarters to us, and leaning on a
broken, chipped, mantelpiece over a smashed tiled fireplace
is ARCHIE, aged 52... Big... Avuncular... Wearing a car coat and
casual nondescript clothes... he is pouring himself a Captain
Morgan's rum from a bottle into a polystyrene cup... He sort
of sees us -- is not fussed -- drinks...
Standing at the back of the room, in front of a door which *
has at some time been on fire, (it's yellowing, tobacco-ey
paint charred and blistered), is MAL, aged mid-40's... Wearing
a silver-grey suit, white shirt, duck-egg blue silk tie...
There is another man in the room but we do not see his face --
for he s its slu mpe d, h ead in his han ds in o ne of t he
armchairs - a picture of despair. He wears an olive green
shirt, brown trousers, maroon braces... This is COLIN, aged
late 40's...
CUT TO
Blackness and silence...
In the silent black an outsize boot appears - scuffed and
tatty... Attached to skinny legs in black tights... The legs
gangle and flip pulling into view a bony, pasty, bare torso
which is undulating oddly -- and here comes the head! - Long,
lank, shoulder length hair... Dripping from a white domed pate
- The face poker straight in contrast to the comedic body-
antics -- A grave-grey face -- Fleshy, bulbous, rubbery...
Ladies and Gentlemen -- MAX WALL!
He goon-walks about for a bit in the black space... Baboon-
bottomed... As if knees tied together... Aflickin' and akickin'
his clown boots... His unhappy face... Like death... Prancing...
Ridiculous dancing... Absurd...
Giant C/U on his morose contorted phizzog...
MAX
(Directly to us... darkly)
...Evenin'!
CUT TO
Music... Loud... "BREED" by NIRVANA...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 4.
CONTINUED: (3)
CUT TO
TITLE
44' CHEST in Caucasian-flesh-coloured writing on black... We
see chest hairs in the lettering...
CUT TO
1 INT LIVING ROOM DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA NIGHT 1 *
MUSIC... `WITHOUT YOU' by NILSSON...
We are out of focus on purple... white... scattered sparkling
"jewels"? begin to come into focus and we see that they are
in fact pieces of broken glass... Thousands of splinters and
shards strewn across a purple Wilton carpet... the white fur
of a luxurious sheepskin rug in bits... Ripped to shreds... In
extreme C/U we begin to move along the floor slowly taking in
mor e de bri s of d est ru ct io n... Sm as he d c ha ir s... Sm as he d
photographs... Broken records... Ripped, shredded record
sleeves -- `THE POWER OF LOVE' by JENNIFER RUSH -- `HOPELESSLY
DEVOTED TO YOU' by OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN -- `I WILL ALWAYS LOVE
YOU' by WHITNEY HOUSTON etc.
The TV remote smashed to smithereens... The television --
widescreen -- TOTALLED!... We move along the plush `World of
Leather' leather sofa... See that a chunk has been bitten out
of it... See teeth marks -- like a bite out of cheese!... Moving
on past an area of slashed carpet and underfelt... Approaching
the legs of a si deboard and see ing into the bla ckness
underneath... We can just make out the quizzical, frightened
eyes of a white poodle... We move on... Past twisted, wrecked
lampshades... Broken plates, ornaments... An up-ended vase of
half-eaten flowers... NILSSON continues his self-pitying
overwrought ballad and as he hits the massive, masochistic
chorus/crescendo we come across COLIN lying rigid on his back
in the corner of the devastated room... His shocked eyes
staring wildly... His body petrified. Paralysed... As if frozen
at the height of an epileptic fit -- Like something from
Pompeii -- Like Max Schrek as Nosferatu hit by light... We stay
on COLIN... His uncomprehending terror-filled eyes... His sheer
rigor mortis-like horror... We move in on him... Into the black
of his eyes... The tragic, agonised black..
CROSS FADE TO
5.
2 EXT DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA NIGHT 2 *
We are outside, square on to an upstairs window of a detached
suburban villa... We hear muffled sounds from inside the house...
Yells... Screaming... Cries... Commotion... And suddenly the glass
window explodes towards us as a desperate terrified woman
comes crashing through... Having run full pelt to escape from
something... This is LIZ, aged 44...
CUT TO
3 INT LIVING ROOM SMALL TERRACED HOUSE NIGHT 3
Television on... ARCHIE'S MUM aged 80 is eating soup from a
tray on her lap... ARCHIE, aproned, watches on fondly...
ARCHIE
...'Ow's that, Mum?
MUM
`S gorgeous, Archie!
ARCHIE
Put hairs on your chest, that will!...
Pananarama'll be on soon -- after the
new s... Da vi d Dim bl e- bim bl eb y! Your
favourite!
MUM
(Pleased... eating)
What is this?
ARCHIE
That -- Mulligatawny! King of soups!
MUM
`S nice!
Now a phone rings elsewhere in the house...
ARCHIE
Whoops -- there's me mobilius! `Scuse I!...
He leaves the room... Goes into the darkened pokey hallway...
Takes his mobile phone from his car-coat pocket... Answers...
ARCHIE (CONT'D)
...Who is this?... I'm not understandin'
ya!... I'm not getting' ya!... `Ooever you
are, stop cryin'!... Stop it! Listen -- I
wanna help you... but I can't help you if I
don't know who you are... and what you're
on ab out ! W hat a re yo u on ab ou t? ...
(listens)... Yeah, Archie, that's me... slow
down... we'll get there much quicker if you
-- ( re al is es ) -- Col?
(MORE)
6.
3 CONTINUED: 3
ARCHIE (CONT'D)
Colin ?!... Wha's happened?... (alarmed)
Whaaat?!... No?!... When?!...
CUT TO
4 INT LIVING ROOM DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA NIGHT 4
Music `WITHOUT YOU' by NILSSON...
COLIN, as before, lying in the wrecked room... The music ends...
Suddenly we hear ARCHIE'S voice ...
ARCHIE'S VOICE
(Gently)
... Col... Col... C'mon mate this is no good...
Colin...
We now see ARCHIE sitting in a nearby armchair, smoking,
patient...
ARCHIE
... C'mon mate, you can't lie `ere forever!
The rigid COLIN, ignoring him, has suddenly, belatedly,
realised that the music has stopped... Desperately needing his
friend, NILSSON -- like a man in excruciating pain reaching
for a gallon of morphine, he frantically, urgently twists his
body on the floor and reaching behind, hammers the play
button on the nearby ghetto blaster... And slowly, gently,
kindly, the piano intro of NILSSON'S gorgeous wallow re-
commences... Colin, somewhat soothed, eases back into his
former rigid, mortified position.
CUT TO
5 INT LUXURIOUS THAMESIDE PENTHOUSE NIGHT 5 *
MEREDITH, sits on a sofa staring intently at another man on *
an opposite sofa. A phone begins to ring. *
CUT TO
6 INT HUGE TASTEFULLY DECORATED LIVING SPACE PENTHOUSE NIGHT 6
The phone continues to ring... *
MEREDITH
`Allo?... (amiable) `Allo, Arch!...
CUT TO
7 INT VAN DAY 7
We are on MAL in the back of the scruffy van seated on the
wheelbase... Opposite him is MEREDITH calmly smoking ... ARCHIE
drives... COLIN slumped beside him in the passenger seat...
7.
7 CONTINUED: 7
ARCHIE
(concerned)
You alright, Col?
But COLIN is sobbing... quietly sobbing... sobbing his heart
out... ARCHIE looks in the rear view mirror at MAL... Who in
turn looks to MEREDITH who calmly smokes raising an eyebrow...
Now the van swings into a cul-de-sac, headlights illuminating
a row of tatty garages and picking out OLD MAN PEANUT who
stands there stony-faced... MAL opens the rear door... OLD MAN
PEANUT clambers in... ARCHIE throws the van into reverse and
takes off again....
CUT TO
8 EXT/INT VAN HIGH STREET DAY 8
The van double-parked engine running ... COLIN still slumped
in his seat staring teary-eyed at the dash-board... MEREDITH
and OLD MAN PEANUT in the back focused on the exterior of an
Italian restaurant...
CUT TO
9 INT FRENCH RESTAURANT DAY 9 *
Busy, bustling atmosphere... Customers becoming aware of a
co mm o ti on at t h e ba c k of th e r es t au ra n t... N o w th e ir
consternation grows as MAL who has got hold of one of the
waiters (we cannot see his face as his red shirt has ridden
up over his head in the struggle) is violently, relentlessly,
frog-marching him at great pace towards the door... We are
with ARCHIE overseeing the 'operation'... Staff terrified...
Customers alarmed... ARCHIE wheels round wielding an outsize
pepper grinder like a club... Crash/zoom in on him...
ARCHIE
(Menacingly)
Just get on with yer meals! Concentrate
on your snails! *
He too backs out of the door...
CUT BACK TO...
10 EXT/INT VAN HIGH STREET DAY 10
MEREDITH and OLD MAN PEANUT watching as MAL, THE WAITER and
ARCHIE spill onto the street... ARCHIE discarding the giant
pepper grinder as he goes... THE HAPLESS WAITER is bundled
into the back of the van... ARCHIE gets in... It drives
off...
CUT TO
8.
11 EXT STREET OUTSIDE CORNER SHOP SUNNY DAY 11
ARCHIE, holding a carrier bag of shopping, is in conversation
with another man, BIGGY WALPOLE, aged 58, wears tweed sports
jacket, cavalry twills, brown suede brogues, handlebar moust-
ache, Daily Mail under his arm, his dog ROSEMARY, a wire-
haired terrier, by his side...
BIGGY
...That's a bad show.
ARCHIE
'S a fuckin' bad show... He couldn't do
nothin'... like a wet lettuce! (they both
shake their heads)
BIGGY
Liz, eh? - Who'da thought it?!... Poor
Colin! (PAU SE) S o you 're b ack t here
tonight then?
ARCHIE
(Wearily)
Yup, back again... Round two... Poor
bastard... anyway... Anyway...
BIGGY
Cuckoldry - Cuckoldry - terrible word! -
Terrible Thing!... Is he up to it d'you
think? Will he do it?
ARCHIE
(Protective)
Oh, he'll do it! He'll do it! He'll kill
'im! 'S gotta in'he?! Just needs a bit of
time that's all - get over the shock...
Oh, he'll do it - no question!
BIGGY
Well g ive h im my rega rds.. . Sen d my
condolences.
ARCHIE
I will - I will, Bigg - I'll pass them
on.
BIGGY
(Almost to himself. Suddenly
sinister)
... Meredith, eh?... Meredith.
ARCHIE
... And Mal ... and Peanut ... and me...
BIGGY
... Meredith.
9.
11 CONTINUED: 11
ARCHIE
(Changing the subject)
'Ow's Rosemary?
BIGGY
... I dunno... ask her!
ARCHIE
(Looking down at the dog)
Allo, Rosemary... 'Ow's you?
We are on ROSEMARY'S expectant face looking up at ARCHIE ...
Over this we hear...
BIGGY'S DOGGIE VOICE
(Gruff)
I'm alright, 'spose -- thanks for askin'.
ARCHIE
(To Rosemary)
'S he lookin' after you? Keepin' you in
sausages?
We are on ROSEMARY...
BIGGY'S DOGGIE VOICE
What this cunt?!! Jokin' intchya?! - If
he opens another tin of Chum, I'm gonna
bite his bollocks off!
ARCHIE smiles. Looks back to BIGGY...
BIGGY
(Tuts)
Charmin'!
ARCHIE
(Beginning to move off)
...Well I'll catch ya later, Biggy ...
Bye Rosemary!
BIGGY
(Beginning to walk off in the
other direction)
Toodle pip!
ARCHIE is walking away... BIGGY and ROSEMARY in the other
direction... Suddenly BIGGY stop's... turns... stares darkly
at the departing figure of ARCHIE who ambles off unaware...
BIGGY is staring with such hatred... we move in on his
face... His hating face... we are close up... he stares just
off camera... seems he is growling... low... primal growls...
and now his hand, claw-like, comes into frame... he is
reaching towards us... threatening-ly ... and slowly his
hating eyes follow... and he is staring right at us...
CUT TO.
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 10.
12 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 12
The room is as described in the prologue albeit with gable
wall intact... MAL stands by the crumbling mantelpiece his
back to the room... Touches the back of his head as if
something has brushed against him... Over this we hear...
ARCHIE'S VOICE
...Bells, aintcha?
MAL glances over his shoulder... ARCHIE is crouching over and
sorting through a card-board box containing various bottles
of spirits...
MAL
Yeah, that's me... or Teachers!... This
is beginnin' to piss me off, this is!
ARCHIE
And me!... 'Ere y'are!
MAL is handed a bottle of Bells whiskey - he slumps in one of
the armchairs... Opens the bottle...
MAL
...I mean, I'm sorry for the cunt an' all
that but there's no point in draggin' it
out, is there?... We're goin' round in
circles!... Fair do's, the guy's hurtin'
but fuck me!
ARCHIE
I know, I know... it's mental!
MAL
Shit 'appens... deal with it!
ARCHIE
'Ow's your hand?
MAL
(Flexing his fist)
'S throbbin' like fuck!...' Ad it in a
bowl of iced water when I got back ...
It's my own fuckin' fault!
ARCHIE
That'll teach ya! (PAUSE)... He was on
the phone to me last night...'our and a
'alf!... Woke me up!..."Cunt" this and
"cunt" that ... r eckon ed he coul dn't
sle ep .. pi ss ed ou t of hi s hea d! .. .
Talkin' a load of cobblers!... Doesn't
know where he is!
MAL
I been there!
11.
12 CONTINUED: 12
ARCHIE
Not like this!... Not like `im!... Not
like Colin!... Not like Colin Diamond!
CUT TO
13 EXT DARK RAIN SOAKED DESERTED OLD STS & ALLEYS NIGHT 13
Back view of a rain-coated man slowly walking the bleak
ancient streets.... We follow him... Over this we hear...
ARCHIE'S VOICE
...Believe me, you shoulda heard `im...
fuckin'ell... On and on!... Tellin' me
'is fuckin' dreams! - Get this - He's in
a phone box - only it's not a phone box --
it's her cunt!
The man turns a corner and we see his face... Sad, sorry, lost,
self -pit yin g, b een thr oug h th e m ill. .. This is COL IN
DIAMOND...
CUT BACK TO
14 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 14
ARCHIE and MAL as before...
MAL
Her what?
ARCHIE
Yeah!... With teeth!... No, pardon me,
so r ry , l e t' s g e t t hi s r i gh t - no t
teeth... Dentures!
MAL
Dentures!
ARCHIE
Dentures!... Her cunt's got dentures!
MAL
Jesus Christ!
ARCHIE
Oh, yeah!...
CUT BACK TO
15 EXT DARK RAIN SOAKED DESERTED OLD STS & ALLEYS NIGHT 15
The lonely figure of COLIN walks...
ARCHIE'S VOICE
... Snappin'... Clackin' at 'im... On
'im...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 12.
15 CONTINUED: 15
ARCHIE'S VOICE (CONT'D)
Nibblin' his arse... Bitin' his balls... I
was tryin' not to laugh... I'm knackered
-- It's 'alf three in the fuckin' mornin'
hearin' this shit!
MAL'S VOICE
Fuckin' `ell!
COLIN walks under an old iron bridge...
ARCHIE'S VOICE
That's right!... It goes on... A door
opens... In walks a cock -- Yeah, you
heard, a cock!... In walks a cock!...
Massive... Not his - guess who's?...
That's right!... Fuck's sake!... Then
he's on a plane... Club class... 'avin'
is dinner... dressed as a clown!...
COLIN stops... Lost in thought... Staring down at/into
puddles...
ARCHIE'S VOICE (CONT'D)
...Big red nose!... Like Ronald fuckin'
McDonald!... Waitress comes up the aisle,
starts punchin' im in the head!!
Big C/U on COLIN'S little boy lost face...
ARCHIE'S VOICE (CONT'D)
...You make sense of it... It's fuckin'
tragic!
CUT BACK TO
16 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 16
ARCHIE and MAL as before...
MAL
He needs pullin' back... He's on the
slippery slope... We better watch'im ...
(slight pause)... Dressed as a clown?!
ARCHIE
Fuckin' Coco, mate!
Immediately the door opens and COLIN enters... Atmosphere. He
take s of f h is M ac. .. A nd sits in one of the ba tter ed
armchairs...
ARCHIE and MAL look at each other...
ARCHIE (CONT'D)
...Alright, Col?
COLIN grunts... ARCHIE resumes sorting through the cardboard
box... MAL lights up... smokes...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 13.
16 CONTINUED: 16
ARCHIE (CONT'D)
(Holding up a near empty bottle
of Smirnoff)
...He is vodka, Old Man Peanut, I'n'e?
MAL
Yeah, he's vodka
ARCHIE
(Showing Mal the bottle)
Cor, he's taken a sizeable lump outa this
look...
COLIN
(Surly)
You can look at me, you know... I'm not
invisible!
MAL
(Jokingly looking around the
room)
Who said that?
The three men smile ... MAL and ARCHIE look at COLIN...
ARCHIE
(Kindly)
You alright, son?
COLIN
(None too convincingly)
I'm bearing up, Arch, I'm bearing up.
MAL
It's never easy, mate, its never easy.
Silence...
COLIN
Give us a fuckin' drink!
ARCHIE tosses him a bottle.
ARCHIE
'Ere y'are, brandy... Doctor's orders!
COLIN opens it and drinks... ARCHIE and MAL watch him
intently...
COLIN
(Paranoid)
What are you starin' at?... 'Ave I got a
knob on my forehead or somethin'?!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 14.
16 CONTINUED: (2) 16
MAL
Shut up, Colin! You're amongst friends...
Don't make this any more difficult than
it already is... Y'hear me?... Y'hear
me?... Colin?... Look at me...
COLIN
(Grudgingly)
...I hear you.
ARCHIE
C'mon, mate, be brave.
COLIN
... Yeah... I will... I've got to ain'i?
ARCHIE
That's the stuff!
MAL
That's the spirit!
COLIN
I can' t bel ieve it... I st ill c an't
bel ie ve it .. . I j us t c an 't fu ck in '
believe it...
MAL
Yeah, I know, it's unbelievable... It's
like a bad dream, innit?
ARCHIE and MAL look at each other... knowingly...
ARCHIE
Where's Old Man fuckin' Peanut?
Suddenly the doo r flies open an d there stands O LD MAN
PEANUT...
OMP
I'm fuckin' here!... That's where he
is!... Cunt!
MAL
Sorry, Pop... We wondered where you was.
OMP
Don't Pop me!... I'm fuckin'.ere!...
Give's a fuckin' drink... Bunch o' cunts!
OLD MAN PEANUT sits... ARCHIE takes him the bottle of vodka
and a plastic cup... stands over him...
ARCHIE
D'you want me to pour it for you?
15.
16 CONTINUED: (3) 16
OMP
(Snatching the bottle and cup)
Give it 'ere!... Treat me like a fuckin'
cunt!... Tosser!
ARCHIE shrugs...
OMP (CONT'D)
(indicating Colin)
...'Ow is he, alright?
MAL
Yeah, he's doin' good... Aintcha, Colin?
COLIN
(Weakly)
Yeah, I'm good.
...OLD MAN PEANUT gets up ... goes over to him... stares him
in the eyes...
OMP
You get it together, you cunt!... You
hear me?... Eh?... (slaps COLIN)... Get
it to-fucking-gether!... We can't 'ave
this.. . Can 't' a ve it !...Y ou we re a
fuckin' disgrace last night! Inept!...
Tonight the kid gloves are off... Show
some fuckin' backbone! - You're a man...
Fucking act like one!
ARCHIE
He'll get there... He'll get there.
OMP
(Vociferously)
...And the bloodied slave rose to 'is
feet, thrust his hand into 'is defiant
chest, tore out `is own heart and threw
it at the aggressor, sayin' "Free from
bondage!... Free from fuckin' bondage'
you CUNT!!"... Eh?... Eh?...
MAL
(Offhand)
Yeah, you're right, Pop.
OMP
Eh! .. . F uc ki n' ri gh t I 'm r igh t! .. .
Fuckin' right I'm fuckin' right!... It's
th e s t ro n g t ha t s h al l i n he r it th e
earth... Not the fuckin' weak!...
ARCHIE
(Flat ... Patent)
You tell 'em!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 16.
16 CONTINUED: (4) 16
OMP
Not the fuckin' weak!
MAL
Yeah, well, whatever ... But this's gotta
be finished tonight cos I'm busy tomorrow
OMP
(Riled)
You break every other fuckin engagement
... Every other fuckin' engagement! ...
This! ... This takes top priority! ...
Above everything ... Everything!...'Til
this is done and dusted ... Put to bed...
Lai d to re st .. No bo dy do es fu ck in '
nothin' but this! ... This - This is
where we are... 'Ere! ... Now! ... This..
Where's fuckin' Meredith?
ARCHIE
He's late.
OMP
Late? Late!.. No such fuckin' word!...
And I'll tell you this ... If Brighton
Billy - God rest his tortured soul - had
ever caught anyone being late ... He
would've cut their eyelids off, stuck 'em
in a f uc k in ' s a ck wi t h a s n ak e , a
cockerel and a dog and chucked 'em in the
fuckin' sea!
MAL
Charmin!
OMP
(Vehement)
It was! It fuckin' was!... That was how
it was! ... Believe you me - Once he'd
made up his mind, that was it!... That
was it !... Nothi n wou ld sw ay 'i m...
Nothin!.. No surrender!... Immovable he
was!... Immovable! A mountain!... A
fu c ki n ' C ol o ss u s! . .. Yo u h e ar me ,
Colin?... A fuckin' giant!... A Titan!...
Spectacular!... My God!!
COLIN
(Miles away)
I can't believe it ... I still can't
believe it...
OMP
(T h r o w in g h i s h a n d s u p i n
despair)
OOWW!!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 17.
16 CONTINUED: (5) 16
Suddenly the wardrobe wobbles... Creaks... They all turn to
look at it... Faint sounds of struggle from within... It
stops... Is still... Silence eventually...
ARCHIE
(Peer ing i nto t he c ardbo ard
box... Nonplussed)
Who wants crisps?
CUT TO
17 EXT GRASS VERGE BY ELEVATED MOTORWAY RAIN NIGHT 17
Sounds o f traffi c... LIZ is try ing to s cramble up the
embankment ... Trying... Failing ... She is cold, wet, muddy,
bloody ... No shoes ... Her white dress torn and blood-soaked
... She tries to climb ... In vain ... Slips in the mud ...
No strength ... Cries in frustration... Falls on her back...
Lies there...still ... Curls up... Above her the traffic
zooms by.
CUT TO
18 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 18
Now t he do or o pe ns. .. M ER EDI TH s ta nds f ra me d b y th e
doorway... Immaculately dressed... A wry smile... He raises
his arm in a Romanesque salute...
MEREDITH
Salutee!
OMP
(Mouthful of crisps)
You're late!
MEREDITH
So sue me!... *
He sits... Looks around the room.
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
...Cor, fuck me - Deja Vu!... *
(studies OLD MAN PEANUT) *
... You enjoying those?
OMP
(Munching)
Fuck off!
MEREDITH smiles...
MEREDITH
...So, Kittens, what's happenin?
MAL
More of the same.
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 18.
18 CONTINUED: 18
MEREDITH
How are you today, Colin? ... You look
terrible!
OMP
He's good ... He's fuckin' strong.
MEREDITH
Oh, that's good... That is good... He
don't look it!
MAL
No, he's alright... He's alright.
ARCHIE
Better than 'e was last night!!
JUMP CUT TO
18A EXT DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 18A *
19 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 19
COLIN slumped in an armchair... See the men...
ARCHIE
'Ere Meredith, I bumped into Biggy
Walpole this mornin'. He was askin'
after you...
MEREDITH
Was he?... That's funny... He hates me!
ARCHIE
Does he? ... Didn't seem like it...
OMP
(Sneeringly to Meredith)
'S he an iron an' all?
MEREDITH
(Staring at OMP)
... Not sure... Is he, Arch?
ARCHIE
Oo, Biggy?... Don't think so...
MEREDITH
(Staring at OMP)
Arch doesn't think so, Pea...
OLD MAN PEANUT snorts derisively ... MEREDITH turns to ARCHIE
MEREDITH (CONT) (CONT'D)
... What was he wearin'?
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 19.
19 CONTINUED: 19
ARCHIE
... Dunno... Jacket?
Suddenly ... From his armchair...
COLIN
I get waves...
MEREDITH
Jacket?
COLIN
...Up and down...
ARCHIE
Tweedy...
COLIN
...state of me...
MEREDITH
Tweedy, eh?
COLIN
All I ever did was love 'er ...
Now the men all look to COLIN ... pause...
COLIN (CONT'D) *
... Maybe I loved 'er too much ... *
Maybe that's it ... *
CUT TO
20 EXT DRIVEWAY DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA PREVIOUS DUSK 20
COLIN is opening the back doors of a grey mercedes... Merrily *
takes out a massive bouquet... a big box of chocolates ... *
Laden and happy he awkwardly approaches his front door ...
Enters...
CUT TO
21 INT HALLWAY DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA PREVIOUS EVE 21
COLIN
(Calling out)
He's 'ome!!
A Poodle greets him enthusiastically.
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
Yeah, alright Muffles, got somethin' for
you an' all - choc-choc! ... Liz! ...
It's me!... I'm `ome!!!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 20.
21 CONTINUED: 21
He enters the kitchen...his wife LIZ, is standing in a white
dress at the far end ... Looking away ... Gazing out of the
window...
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
(Cheerily)
'Ere he is! ...
She does not react ... He places things on the table.
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
... He comes bearing gifts, look! Look
what I gotcha!
He goes to the fridge...
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
Avril's been at it again! Fuckin' up big
style! ... She's useless almost cost us a
sale on an XKR Jag! *
He takes out a pint carton of full fat milk
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
... Fuckin' 'ell, Saab last week and now
a Jag! - She didn't... but she almost
did! I gave her a verbal warnin'. Told
her if she didn't buck her ideas up she'd
be out of the showroom - stick her desk'
in the backyard beside the khazi!. -
Stupid cow! - And you know what she said?
- This is what I have to put up with! "Do
it then"! Can you believe that?!! - - 'F
she wants sendin' back to the job centre
I'll do it! *
He knocks back the full pint in one ... LIZ glances at him
... He reaches into the fridge again and takes out a can of
coke...
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
... Anyway, that's me! 'Ow's you?... Oh,
an another thing 'fore I forget, ow d'you
fancy the Algarve? 'Cos that bird from
the travel agent ...... phoned me... I know
we were... talkin' bout the Med but this is *
dirt cheap - I said I'd speak to you... *
He begins glugging the coke ... Finishes it...
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
What d'ya reckon?
LIZ is silent...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 21.
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Fondly... Indulgent)
... Alright, it's the Med, I give in!!
He o pens a cupb oar d. T ake s ou t a pac ket of cho cola te
biscuits. Unwraps one..., eats it...
LIZ looks at him ... Looks away ... Stares out of the window
... Worried... Puts her hand to her forehead ... She is
biting her lower lip...
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Munching)
... What?
LIZ
(To herself. Desperately)
Oh, fuck...
COLIN
What is it ?... 'S a matt er?.. .'S
up?...S'appened?
She look s a t hi m . .. T ear s in he r ey es. .. E ven tual ly
struggling...
LIZ
... Colin ...
Words fail her. She sighs heavily
COLIN
Liz, love ... what's wrong?
Eventually...
LIZ
(Weakly)
... This is really, really difficult,
Colin...
COLIN
(Worded)
What is?
LIZ
(With great difficulty)
... This is the hardest thing I've ever
done in my life ... I'm so sorry...
COLIN
(Gently. Helping)
For what? What you sorry for?... What you
sorry for, Liz?
LIZ
I'm sorry, Colin...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 22.
21 CONTINUED: (3) 21
COLIN
(Serious faced)
So you've said ... You've said that,
Liz... I've got that ... What `re you
sorry for?
She can't look at him. Stares at the floor ... Eventually ...
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
You're scarin me Liz...
A LONG PAUSE...
LIZ
(Tinily)
I've met someone else...
22 A LONG PAUSE... 22
COLIN
(Stunned. Absolutely Stunned)
Wha?
23 A LONG PAUSE... 23
COLIN
(Small)
y`kiddin'
LIZ
(Sadly)
... I'm sorry.
COLIN
(Reeling)
...'Someone else'??!!. I don't
understand, Liz ... I've just
come in through the door ...
and ... now I'm ... I'm ...
(TRAILS OFF)...'met someone
else'?
She can't look at what she's done to him ... She gazes out *
of the window ... Far, far away ... *
LIZ
(From a million miles away)
... I'm so sorry.
Slowly ... Slowly ... We move in on COLIN ... He begins to
blink ... Is swallowing ... His chin wobbling ... Can't
speak... Uncomprehending little eyes... His gullet begins to
spasm ... He swoons ... Stumbles back ... His knees go ... He
grips the toaster for support ... Looking at her as she
stares out of the window ... Looking ... Looking ... His
desperate eyes pleading ... *
CUT TO
23.
24 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 24
The men are watching him... *
COLIN
I know what you're all thinkin'... you're *
all feelin' sorry for me - Poor Colin...
Think I'm pathetic... Come on, say it ... *
I can take it... Well you can all fuck *
off - Sling yer dirty hooks! ... I'll *
deal with this myself ... Well, what are
you waiting for? - Piss off - Sorry to
have inconvenienced you an' all that ...
but your services are no longer required - *
Slags! - Laughin' at me! I may look like *
a cunt but I'm not stupid!
ARCHIE
No it's 'er that's stupid, Col ... It's
Liz...
COLIN
(Rounding on him)
What would you know about'er! - What
would you know 'bout what it means to be
married?! You're still livin' with your
fuckin' Mum! *
MAL
(Stepping in)
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
OMP
(Rises. Enraged)
Th is is wh y Lo ve r bo y mus t b e
killed !...Th is is why s he mus t be
ki l le d ! . .. To d o t ha t t o a ma n
(indic ates C OLIN). ..Jes us fuc king
Christ almighty! ... Fire and fucking
sword! ... It's unforgiveable!... It's
de-fucking-plorable! ... (points at
COLIN with a long bony finger) Look at
the man ... where is he? ... Look at
'im! He aint there! ... That's someone
else! ... That's a shell! If that!...
A sad, empty shell! ... It hurts your
fucking eyes! ... Can 'ardly look at
'im!... Make ya weep! ~_ Mother of
God! They will suffer... Oh, yeah! -
The y wil l su ffe r! . .. Th at is m y
promise!... They will fucking suffer!
The seething PEANUT paces the room...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 24.
24 CONTINUED: 24
COLIN
I'm sorry, Arch ... I don't know what I'm
sayin'... I've gone crackers ... don't
listen to me...
ARCHIE
'S alright, mate ... forget about it- 's
understandable.
MEREDITH
'Ere, Colin, this'll cheer you up...Ave a
guess `ow much I won last night...
OMP
(Still ranting)
Oh yes, they will suffer!
MEREDITH
'Ave a guess...
COLIN
(Distractedly)
I don't know.
MEREDITH
Ask me how much I won...
OMP
... Fucking suffer!
MEREDITH
Ask me!
COLIN
(Half-heartedly)
...'Ow much did you win?
MEREDITH
... Well...
CUT TO.
25 EXT NASH CRESCENT LONDON PREVIOUS NIGHT 25
MEREDITH, alone, strolls along the lamplit street ... Over
this we hear...
MEREDITH'S VO
... after we left here last night I was
buzzi n'... was on m y wa y to the
Buckingham for a quick one ... none of
you wet willies wanted to come ... who'd
I run into? ...
MEREDITH walking ... Suddenly, from out of nowhere a metallic
blue Rolls Royce Corniche thunders and screeches up beside
him almo st m oun ting the pa veme nt . ..
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 25.
25 CONTINUED: 25
Simu ltan eous ly t he curb side back doo r fli es o pen and
crashes/smashes into a lamp-post shattering its window and
buckling... MEREDITH turns at the sound of the impact... And
is immediately greeted by a figure emerging from the back
seat ... The man is larger than life ... 60-ish... He wears a
full length white mink coat over a tuxedo ... His coiffured
hair sports a pink rinse ... He is over-excitedly pleased to
se e h i s f r i e n d , M E R E D I T H . . . T e r r i f y i n g l y s o . . .
Psychopa thically happy h e stand s in the middle of the
pavement like a frenzied polar bear...
MEREDITH VO
... Tippi Gordon!
TIPPI GORDON bellows insanely at MEREDITH...
TIPPI
CHUBBYBUMMYWUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CUT TO
26 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 26
The men listen to MEREDITH'S story...
MEREDITH
...Off his fuckin'face! Pumpin'! Zoomin'!
Pupils the size of a sixpence!...
CUT BACK TO
27 EXT NASH CRESCENT LONDON PREVIOUS NIGHT 27
TITANIC C/U ON TIPPI'S maniacally ecstatic face...
TIPPI
(To us/Meredith)
Y'UP FOR IT??? Y'WITH ME??? NIGHT OF
IT???? `AVE SOME???? BEAUTY BOY??? --
Y'UP FOR IT?????? -- BOYS NIGHT
OUT??????????????!!!!!!!!!!
JUMP CUT TO
28 INT ROLLS ROYCE CORNICHE CHAUFFEUR DRIVEN PREV NGT 28
MEREDITH and TIPPI in the back of the Roller as it travels
through London ... TIPPI chopping out huge lines of cocaine
on a walnut veneer tabletop...
MEREDITH VO
... He was on his way to the Grenadier
... Invites me along...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 26.
28 CONTINUED: 28
TIPPI
(Chopping them out)
I like a li ne th e siz e of a fuc kin'
toblerone!! ...
To the UNIFORMED CHAUFFEUR, indicating the coke
Oi, Bumface -'ere y'are!
JUMP CUT TO.
29 EXT BUSY WEST END STREET PREVIOUS NIGHT 29
The Rolls Royce has stopped at a red light ...THE CHAUFFEUR
casually gets out of the front and climbs into the back ...
The lights change to green ... Cars behind get impatient ...
Start tooting...more and more horns sound ... Blaring out...
CUT TO.
30 INT HIGH CLASS CASINO PREVIOUS NIGHT 30
We move through the elegant casino ... Over this we hear...
ARCHIE'S VOICE
Come on then, whad ya win?
MEREDITH'S VOICE
Forty thousand and six 'undred pounds is
what I won...
MAL'S VOICE
Fuck me!... 'Ow?
We now come across MEREDITH and TIPPI laughing, engaged in
conversation...
MEREDITH'S VOICE
... W ell , I' ll te ll ya . .. we w er e
fucking about...
MEREDITH turns from TIPPI and speaks directly to us into
camera...
MEREDITH
... And I bet Tippo five grand that he
couldn't win six grand in a minute...
TIPPI
(Excitedly to Meredith)
I fucking can!!
MEREDITH
(To Tippi)
Go on then!!
TIPPI heads for the nearest roulette table...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 27.
30 CONTINUED: 30
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
(To us)
... He's off... Steams into the nearest
table and smacks six thou down on the
black...
We can see TIPPI intently staring down at the wheel almost
crowding THE CRO UPIER wh o smile s polite ly at hi s high
spirits...
TIPPI
(Screaming over to Meredith)
RED!!!... CUNT!!!
MEREDITH
(To us)
We were laughin' like fuck!
TIPPI
(Calling over)
Double or quits!
MEREDITH
(To us)
... He bets black...
We can see TIPPI intently staring down at the wheel ...
hungry ... childish....excited...
TIPPI
(Screaming over to Meredith)
RED!!!...CUNT!!!...
MEREDITH
(Smiling to us)
Double or quits twice... bets black...
We see TIPPI staring intently down at the wheel... almost
wetting himself with anticipation.. until...
TIPPI
(Screaming over to Meredith)
RE D ! ! ! . . . C U N T ! ! ! . . . D O U B L E O R
QUITS!...
MEREDITH
(To us)
For the third time... only this time -
We are on TIPPI staring intently down at the wheel...
MEREDITH'S VOICE
... He bets red...
C/U on the roulette wheel-the ball spinning and hurtling
round ... we watch as it comes to rest...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 28.
30 CONTINUED: (2) 30
TIPPI'S VOICE
(Screaming)
BLACK!!!!!!
Massive C/U on TIPPI'S thrilled by losing face...
TIPPI
CUNT! CUNT! CUNT ! MER EDITH YOU' RE A
CUNT!!!
CUT BACK TO
31 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 31
MEREDITH
..."Meredith you're a cunt! Thank you
very much, 'ere's your forty thou... See
ya!"... For a giggle. I've stuck four
hundred pound on the pontoon table -
splatt! -- Blackjack! Six to four! Lovely!
That's me done!... 'Ad some dinner in the
corner - fillet steak, coupla spuds...
last d rink - lar ge ca lvado s... Home
met hi nks , "G et me a ca b" , ove r th e
bridge, bung `im a nifty -."Ta, guv",
wipe my feet, cup of cocoa, into me jim-
jams, lights out ... ain't life grand!
ARCHIE
Nice one!
OMP
What, you mean you didn't stop off at the
poof's club?
MEREDITH turns slowly to stare at him...
MEREDITH
No, Peanut, since you so kindly ask, I
did not stop off at The Clayton ... Not
las t nig ht .. . b ut I sh al l be th er e
tonight ... later on ... looking for some
hot male action... Is that alright with
you?
OMP
Yerr!
ARCHIE
Don't fucking start you two!
OMP
Dirty bastard!
MEREDITH laughs...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 29.
31 CONTINUED: 31
OMP (CONT'D)
Puttin g you r one in a man' s bum !...
Sodomite... Buggerer...
MEREDITH
Peanut ... What I choose to do with my
nine and a half has got fuck all to do
with you!
OMP
It's disgusting! - Man with man! *
ARCHIE
Alright, alright!
OMP
Fucking smarm!
ARCHIE
Alright!
CUT TO
32 INT KITCHEN DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA PREVIOUS NIGHT 32
LIZ at the window ... COLIN at the table...
COLIN
... I've loved you too much, 'aven't I? --
That's what I've done wrong -I've driven
you away - driven you into the arms of
someone else - that's what I've done -
S'pose I deserve it - must do - who'd
'ave thought it, eh, you can love someone
too much!... I've over loved ya - I'm an
overlover... and I feel very lonely...
(begins to sob, catching his
breath like an infant)
... I'm beggin' you to stay - I beg you
not to leave me... I beg you... on my
bended knees... Please... I just don't
understand what I've done wrong - and I
beg you not to leave me this way - don't
leave me this way. *
LIZ
(Softly)
... Come on, Colin...
COLIN
...What?...
LIZ
(Gently)
... Have some dignity...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 30.
32 CONTINUED: 32
COLIN
(Chest heaving with sobs)
I - don't - want din-gity - I want you!!
... Is that bad? ! ... Is t hat a bad
crime? - Ov- ver - lovin'???
Pause... he fights his tears... struggles to get it together
... breathes ... breathes hard ... sucking in air ... trying
to gather strength ... from somewhere... calms a bit ...
stares hard at her ... eventually- .
COLIN (CONT'D)
... You've made a mistake, you 'ave ...
You're gonna miss me! - You're really *
gonna fuckin miss me! ... Coupla days
time - when it sinks in ... Oh, you'll
reg re t t ha t! Wh at a n e rr or ! W ha t a
booboo! ... You've fucked up! Boy, 'ave
you fucked up!... An' you know what? -
when you realise 'ow ... (selects a word)
silly you've been -- `ow impulsive ...
reckless and stupid - 'ow ... (selects a
word) feminine you've been - you stupid
woman ... you're gonna come runnin', back
with your tail between your legs pleadin'
to be let in out of the cold - and will I
take you back? - Will I fuck!! No way!!
Not a snowball's chance in hell! Not on
your nelly !!... 'Ang on Colin -' ang on
son - you're lying to yourself! - Course
you'll take her back! Of c ourse you
will!!... I'll take you back, Liz - I
fo r g i ve y o u - c o s t h a t ' s w h a t
overlovers', do, you see -they 'overlove'
- they love too much!
LIZ
(Delicately)
Colin, its not working between us - well
for me its not working - and it hasn't
been working for a long time...
COLIN
Yeah, that's because you ain't been doing
your bit, Liz ... you ain't been doing
your bit! ... Love is like a garden and
in order to keep it looking beautiful you
gotta work at it ... Gotta do the weedin'
and you ain't been doing any weedin', Liz
- and that's cos you're lazy - You're a
lazy lover, Liz - And now the garden's
over-run -'s a jungle, innit? - we're
lost in the jungle - can't see each other
-
31.
32 CONTINUED: (2) 32
LIZ
(Softly)
I don't feel like that, Colin - I don't *
feel the same as you - just have to get
out -
COLIN
(Petulant)
Well fuck off then!!... Go on, go!...
Fuck off!... I'll be alright ... You
cru el ba st ar d! .. . Go on - I' m no t
stopping you... Take your stuff and get -
Leave mine - I'll attend to that! Just
fuck off!... You're a horrible cunt!
Traitor! *
LIZ
(Had enough)
Well if you're going to start calling me
names -
COLIN
(Affronted. Interrupting)
Don't you - a dirty, unfaithful cow who's
sucked another man's bell-end -tell me -
tell me that I'm callin' you names!! Who
is he?
There is a pause as LIZ decides how to play this...
LIZ
... Does it matter?
COLIN
Oo is he? Tell me the cunt's name - I
wanna know.
LIZ
... He's just a guy.
COLIN
Oh, a guy is he? - A guy! - What he's not
a bloke? Not just a. bloke? He's a `guy'!
Cunt - I'll cut `is cock off when I find *
'im!
LIZ
(Forcefully)
Oh stop it, Colin!
COLIN
Oh, th at's right , pro tect the cunt!
Course you're on `is side... on the side
of the 'guy'! ... I'm tellin' you, Liz -
mark my fuckin' words - I will tear the
flesh off 'is face with my fuckin' teeth
and stick it in your fuckin' `andbag!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 32.
32 CONTINUED: (3) 32
LIZ
Right, that's it, I'm going ... we'll
talk later.
LIZ makes towards the door. But COLIN beats her to it ...
slams it shut...
COLIN
(Darkly)
Where d'you think you're goin' ?! You
ain't goin' nowhere!
LIZ, frightened, has stepped back.
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
(Darkly)
... You think you can say that to me an'
then j ust g o?! - Leav e me here with
that?! - Drop a bomb in my brain and just
go?! ... No, you can't!...
We are C/U on COLIN'S hand by his side... it begins to
tighten ... begins to ball itself into a fist...
COLIN'S VOICE
(Menacingly)
Tell me his fuckin' name...
CUT TO
33 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 33
COLIN standing ... the men listening...
COLIN
(Confessionally)
I caught her right on the fuckin' chin...
Her head bounced off the door frame...
She fell lookin' at me...
OMP
Good boy!
COLIN
(Emphatically)
No, not good boy!... I hit her so fuckin'
hard... Heard her teeth rattle in her
hea d. .. Sh e was l yi ng th er e.. . Sh e
wouldn't look at me..."Tell me!"..."Tell
me!", I said... "Tell me 'is fuckin'
name!"... but she wouldn't look at me...
MAL
Well, she wouldn't, would she?!... She
couldn't, could she?!
33.
33 CONTINUED: 33
ARCHIE
Too ashamed!
COLIN
I 'ad her b y the thro at .. . pun ched
her..."Tell me!"...punched her... "Tell
me!" ... punched her "Tell me `is fuckin'
name!"...
(PAUSE)
... She said it ... She told me...
MAL
What? Just like that?!
OMP
Brazen! -- Fuckin 'audacity!
ARCHIE
Cheeky cunt!
MAL
Takin' the piss, mate!
COLIN
(Quietly)
... Yeah, just like that ... right in the
heart.
...OLD MAN PEANUT goes to him... puts his arm around him...
comforts him... ARCHIE, seeing this, goes over the wardrobe
... addresses it...
ARCHIE
(To the wardrobe)
... You hearin' this? ... What you've
done? ... What you're responsible for?
... Are you proud of yourself? ... Was it
worth it? ... All this pain?
MAL joins him... addresses the wardrobe...
MAL
(To the wardrobe)
Fucked his wife?! ... Fucked his
fuckin' wife?! ... You fuckin' wife-
fucker you!... You fuckin' fucked his *
wife you wife-fuckin' cunt!... *
(beat)
Fuckin' his wife?!... Fuckin' his fuckin' *
wife?!... Another man's wife?!... Are you *
fuc ki n' th ic k? - Yo u cunt !... Fu ck
another man's wife?... What's the matter
with you?! You don't do that!... It' not
done!... You do that - it ends in this! -
Th i s! - T hi s i s w h er e i t e n ds ! I n
this!... You hear me? ... you listenin'?
Shitter!... Little shitter!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 34.
33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
ARCHIE
(To the wardrobe)
Should've got your own fuckin' wife to
fuck!
CUT TO
34 INT WARDROBE NIGHT 34
Blackness ... tiny light leaking in from cracks/joints in
wood ... a shape ... breathing
MAL'S VOICE
(From outs ide.. . me nacin gly
quiet)
...You're in deep shit, mate ... You're
in the worst possible place a man can
find himself...
Pause ... breathing in the blackness...
CUT TO
35 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 35
MAL
(Turns to Colin)
When d'you wanna do this, Col? When are
we doin' it? Come on, is time innit?!...
Get i t fuc ki n' do ne .. . W hat d 'yo u
reckon? ... Come on, my blood's fuckin'
up! What are we sayin'? Yes? No? - what?
... Colin?- S up to you, mate - you're
the one in the cunt hat!
ARCHIE
(To Colin)
It's about time, mate...
OMP
(Rising)
Get the fucker out 'ere!
MAL
...Well!... Col?...
COLIN is staring at the wardrobe but suddenly he rises and
heads for the door...
COLIN
I gotta find her! (he exits)
The men thwarted, sit in silence ... MAL looks at PEANUT ...
PEANUT looks at ARCHIE ... MEREDITH looks at MAL ... PEANUT
looks at MEREDITH ... ARCHIE looks at MAL ... MEREDITH looks
at ARCHIE...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 35.
35 CONTINUED: 35
ARCHIE
....What?!... Well, don't look at me!
35A EXT DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 35A *
COLIN exits the house. *
35B INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 35B *
MEREDITH
What age is Liz, Arch?
MAL
She's forty-two
ARCHIE
Forty-four
MEREDITH
Fucking hell, she looks good for forty-
four!
OMP
'Ow would you know?!
MEREDITH
(Pointing)
Peanut - would you like me to spank your
bony arse?
OLD MAN PEANUT giggles... MEREDITH smiles...
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
... Y eah . .. g orgeo us w oman ...
glamorous... vivacious ... sparklin'...
ARCHIE
You're not wrong.
MEREDITH
Beautiful face.
ARCHIE
Lovely
MEREDITH
It's a shame
ARCHIE
That it is.
CUT TO
36 EXT RAINY, DESOLATE, STREETS NIGHT 36
COL IN i s r un ni ng ... r un ni ng. .. r un nin g- ... De spe ra te ...
running... Away from us... Towards us ... Past us...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 36.
36 CONTINUED: 36
Running until... Eventually... Having run himself into the
ground... He collapses against a brick wall in shadow...
Holds onto it ... Buries his head into it... Pitifully...
Like Judah Ben Hur when first seeing his mother and sister
emerge from the leper colony...
COLIN
(Agonised)
She could be anywhere!
CUT TO
37 EXT GRASS VERGE BESIDE ELEVATED MOTORWAY RAIN NIGHT 37
LIZ lying still in scrub at the foot of the embankment- her
eyes slowly open ... her POV....the cloudy night sky.
CUT TO
38 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 38
MEREDITH, ARCHIE, MAL & OLD MAN PEANUT chatting...
ARCHIE
(TO OMP)
Nah!... That was Tommy Yardley, y'cunt
... the stouter of the two! - He couldn't
drive!
MAL
Never stopped `im though, did it?!
OMP
Beard?
ARCHIE
That's 'im!
OMP
Poof?
ARCHIE
No!... Who you thinkin' of?
MAL
He's thinkin' of Faraday ... He's been
dead years!
MEREDITH
Faraday was alright! He was a gentle
giant...
MAL
He was only five foot four
MEREDITH
I fucked `im back in the seventies - I'm
tellin' you - he was a gentle giant!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 37.
38 CONTINUED: 38
MAL
Did ya? I never knew that.
OMP
Well we do now!
MEREDITH
Very shy man ... I liked him.
OMP
No ... it's not that cunt I'm thinkin'
of. It was that other cunt... the cunt
with the ears!... Pen and inked somethin'
terrible!...
MAL
That's Dougie Clark ... the human stink-
bomb!
ARCHIE
... Fuckin' hell!... I remember once at
this p arty. .. he 'd go t hol d of some
bird... gone upstairs with her... next
thing you know she come. crashin' out of
the bedroom, run downstairs in her bra
and knickers, screamin' blue murder that
he'd put 'is armpit in her face!... his
great, stinkin', hairy oxter right in her
mooey! She's like that - (pulls an about
to vomit face)!... And `im - 'Ol' Smelly'
-- `s at the top of the stairs with 'is
todger stickin' out of 'is trousers,
laughin' his head off!
OMP
I've got a bone to pick with that cunt!
MAL
(Laughing)
Yeah but you can't get near him though,
can you!
ARCHIE
Not without a gas mask!
MAL
Ai n ' t h e h e a r d o f a b a t h ? ! . . . A n
invention called a bath?.. 'Ere can you
imagine under his foreskin?
ARCHIE
Cor, fuck me ... I think I'm gonna throw
up!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 38.
38 CONTINUED: (2) 38
MAL
You would'nt want to go there for your
summer 'olidays, would'ya?! ... Imagine
that! Fuck me!
They all laugh ... The door opens ... COLIN comes in ...
speaking...
COLIN
(Uncomprehending)
It's not as though we didn't fuck... we
did!... Just last week!... Just last
Thu rs day !. .. Sh e wa nte d to !.. . Sh e
ins ti gat ed i t!. .. S he ca me !.. . Sh e
did!... In fact, I didn't!... But that
didn't matter... It wasn't about that...
it wa s a b ou t be in ' c lo se .. . ' bo ut
warmth... 'bout bein' a normal married
couple... why would she do this?... Flush
it all down the fuckin' toilet... why?
OMP
Jezebel!
COLIN
What a terrible waste!...What a waste of
time!. .. En ergy! ... Everyt hin' !. ..
What's it all mean?... Surely a marriage
is somethin'?!... I mean, what's it all
about? What is the fuckin' point! Twenny
one fuckin' years, good times and bad -
dow n th e fuc ki n' pl ug 'ol e! Up th e
fuckin' Swanee, eh?!!... W e ' ad *
somet hin' goin' !... Soli d!... A
life! ...We wer e a f amil y! - The
Diamonds!.. What're they gonna say?...
What am I gonna tell `em?... What does
one tell the children? - This's gonna
affect their studies!...
MAL
Where're they again?
COLIN
Well, Colin J's doin' computer somethin'
at Car diff ... a nd Sa manth a's doin'
drawin' in Hull ... fuckin' `ell! Oh,
fuckin' `ell! - My poor babies! - Your
Mum's a whore!!... I can't bear this... I
can' t br eath e!.. . Ca n't fuck in'
breathe!... I'm serious...
He begins to tug at this collar...
MAL
Colin, stop it!
39.
38 CONTINUED: (3) 38
COLIN
(Serious)
No, I can't ... I can't breathe ... I'm
not jokin'...
ARCHIE
You're just panickin'!
COLIN
(Gasping)
'Elp me!!
MAL
Stop it!
ARCHIE
You'll be alright ... calm down!
COLIN
(Panicking)
Someone!
ARCHIE *
Deep breaths, mate... *
MAL *
Is he alright? *
OMP
This is shameful! ... Get a grip you
cunt!
COLIN
My l u n g s - t o o t ig h t ! . . . H e a r t s
burstin'... Please! -- Mercy! - 'Ave pity!
(gurgles)
MAL *
Colin! *
MEREDITH
(Quiet. Firm. Measured)
... Colin...Colin ... Look at me... Look
at me ...
COLIN does. Pop-eyed.
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
(Quiet. Firm. Measured)
... That's, it ... That's it...
ARCHIE
Talk `im down Meredith...
COLIN, calming, stares at MEREDITH...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 40.
38 CONTINUED: (4) 38
MEREDITH
You're alright, mate ... you're alright
... That's it ... easy does it ... listen
to me ... you're alright ... Alright? -
You're alright ... Right - Now listen to
me ... You're a good man... Got that?
COLIN is staring at him. transfixed. like a snake in front of
a charmer.
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
... Never forget that ... Cling to that
... You've done nothin' wrong ... You
listenin'? ... You've been wronged ...
You're in the right!... Remember that!...
Right... now there's characters in the
world - characters like that handsome
young macho boy ...
Indicates the wardrobe. COLIN looks at it. darkens ...
MEREDITH calms him
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
...Easy! - Who will come along to test
you and cause you to doubt yourself ...
to hate yourself ... to turn your life
upside down ... and its times like this
you find out who you are ... You *
listenin' to me? You hear this?
COLIN dumbly nods
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
...Listen to me... you don't disgust
me... You're not pathetic... you're not
weak - you're normal! - you're human -
and human's hurt!... Alright?
ARCHIE
That's right!
COLIN
(Somewhat soothed)
'Ave you 'ad this, Meredith?
MEREDITH
...Me?... No... but I'm quite lucky...
because I'm different to you... I don't
share your emotions... I don't love like
you... like you do... Maybe I should...
but I don't!... I'm not a family man -
with me, sex is sex... no more... no
le s s . . . C o l d . H a rd . Dark... and
sweaty... Sudden. Excessive... When I've
shot my wad, I leave the room... I put my
coat on and I leave the room... No "thank
you's"...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 41.
38 CONTINUED: (5) 38
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
no "I really enjoyed that" - I leave the
room!... And I don't go back!... I can
aff or d t o do th at .. . I 'v e got t ha t
luxury... I'm charismatic... People are
drawn to me . (PA USE) Now m aybe it's
cowardly but I choose to live without
turmoil... without entanglements... All
that bores me! - With me it's the five Fs
- find 'em, follow 'em, finger 'em, fuck
'em and forget 'em!... But you, Colin,
you possess different qualities... that's
what makes you you... You're more caring
stroke sharing... Your capacity to love
lea ve s y ou v uln er ab le - bu t t ha t' s
admirable!... You care... and you should
be proud of that!
COLIN
... Proud?
MEREDITH
Yes, proud, you should be proud.
COLIN
Why?
MEREDITH
'Cos that is what you should be!
OMP
Pr o u d ! Y o u fu c k i n ' p i l c ha r d ! !
Proud!...'Ave a bit of pride!
COLIN
(Ignoring OMP)
What would you do Meredith?
MEREDITH
'Bout what?
COLIN
Everythin' ... my situation...
MEREDITH
I'd prioritise...
Slowly MEREDITH turns to look at the wardrobe ... COLIN Does
likewise ... looks back to MEREDITH...
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
If it was me he'd be dead already!
COLIN
... But if you were me?
MEREDITH
Well, that's a big leap for me, Colin...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 42.
38 CONTINUED: (6) 38
COLIN
Please ... try...
MEREDITH
... I'd toss a coin ... Heads I'd skin
him alive ... find her ... do the same...
COLIN
... And tails?
MEREDITH stares hard at COLIN ...
MEREDITH
... Well, that's the hard part, Colin ...
COLIN shrinks back with the realisation of what is being
implied... Scared...
COLIN
(Aghast)
... Oh, I can't do that! ... I don't
think I could do that!... What let `im
go?!... How can I do that?'
MEREDITH
Well let's hope it's heads then!...
COLIN dumbfounded can only stand and watch as...
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
... Who's got a coin?
ARCHIE begins to fish in his pocket...
OMP
(To Meredith)
You're a nasty bastard, aintcha!
MEREDITH
Am I?
ARCHIE
I've got a 2p!
COLIN finds himself holding the coin... He swallows ...
Closes his eyes as if in prayer ... Opens them ... Is about
to toss the coin...
MEREDITH
Hold on, Col ... (TO MAL) A oner says its
heads!
MAL
Yeah, alright, yer on!
ARCHIE
I'll 'ave some of that!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 43.
38 CONTINUED: (7) 38
MEREDITH
Anybody else? ... No? ... Alright... Go
on, Col!
OMP
(To Meredith)
Nasty bastard!
COLIN, gulping, looks at each of them in turn ... Looks at
the coin ... Swallows again-tosses it ... The coin spins
upwards- into the air ... Humungous C/U of the coin spinning
... Music begins, CHILLS & FEVER by TOM JONES...
CROSS FADE TO.
Music continues. Huge C/U... S/M... The coin spinning...
The men watch the coin land on HEADS!
CROSS FADE TO.
The music continues...
39 CUT 39
40 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 40
THE MUSIC CONTINUES...
We fade in on ... MAL in motion ... Pacing like a lion ... *
Serious faced hard eyed ... Intent ... Focused on something
just off camera ... Studying it...
We see MEREDITH seated ... smokes ... Super sexy-slowly... *
Focused on something just off camera ... Studying it...
PEANUT standing... Staring... super- slow... Caught mid- *
expression... Mid horrible expression... Vicious denture
manoeuvres... Old man horrendousness ... Focused on something
just off camera ... Studying it...
And ARCHIE... dear old ARCHIE... Swigging from a bottle... *
And focused on something just off camera... Studying it...
... And COLIN... Poor COLIN... Seated... Staring down... Down
at the floor... The floorboards ... The music fades ...
Disappears... silence ... More silence...
And now we see the room...
The men as described and the object of their focus... Seated
on a small, wooden kitchen chair is a figure with a scruffy *
old Tesco carrier bag over it's head... The wardrobe is
open... The figure is cowed. Broken. Beaten.
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 44.
40 CONTINUED: 40
Scared ... The men are relaxed-all the time in the world ...
Eventually...
MAL
(Very quietly)
Squeeze 'er tits, didya?
He draws relaxedly on his cigarette...
ARCHIE
(M e a s u re d l y ma s h i n g o u t a
cigarette)
'Ow was that?
MAL
Do the trick, did it?... Get her going?
ARCHIE
Ha n d u p t he sk i rt ? . . . I ns i de th e
knickers? ... That's alright, innit?
MAL
Loverboy!
ARCHIE
Wanker
MAL
Get it out? ... Give it a rub?
ARCHIE
In the noddy? ... On the bed?
MAL
Spit `n' polish?
ARCHIE
I bet
MAL
Cop a feel?
MEREDITH
David Copperfield?
MAL
Nice 'n' wet was she?
ARCHIE
Do you like that?
MAL
You make me sick!
ARCHIE
I love you!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 45.
40 CONTINUED: (2) 40
OMP
Use a banana?!
ARCHIE
Blimey o'Reilly
OMP
You cunt!
MAL
Go on, what's your secret? ... Old Spice?
ARCHIE
Splash it all over!
MAL
Now you're talkin'! L'il bit kinky?
ARCHIE
Ha, ha, golden shower!
MEREDITH
The erotic world of Jacques Cousteau.
MAL
That's right!... Is that right? ... So,
what was it? ... Eyes meet across the
room?... Fireworks?... Crashin' waves?...
I think I love you?... Will you... marry
me ? . . . O h , d a r l i n' . . . F o r e v e r . . .
Bollocks!... Bum her did you?
ARCHIE
Cor, dear!
MAL
Karma Sutra? 69?
ARCHIE
99? ... Flake?
MAL
Lickety split?
OMP
Lick it! Lick it!
MAL
The ol' Vaseline?
ARCHIE
Nice `n' easy!
MAL
Playboy!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 46.
40 CONTINUED: (3) 40
OMP
Arsehole!
ARCHIE
Playmate!
MAL
Cunt!
ARCHIE
Fucker!
OMP
Knee-trembler!
MAL
Polaroids?
OMP
Bombay roll?
ARCHIE
That's handy!
OMP
Pearl necklace?
ARCHIE
That looks nice!
OMP
Terrible thing to do!
MEREDITH
Rock -'ard 'Udson
ARCHIE
Upstairs, downstairs? Round the back?
MEREDITH
Bullseye
MAL
You're a bit of a boy, aintcha?... Bit of
a fucking boy?
ARCHIE
Stud!
MAL
That's 20th Century Casanova, sitting
there, in a plastic bag!
ARCHIE
Certainly is!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 47.
40 CONTINUED: (4) 40
MAL
Right rascal!
ARCHIE
Oh, you didn't use a candle, did ya? ...
Don't tell me that!
MAL
He didn't, did he?
OMP
Fuckin' did!
MAL
'Uckin' `ell!
ARCHIE
Not love-eggs?...That's awful
MEREDITH
The man's a love machine!
MAL
(Angered)
She's a mother!!
He moves towards the seated figure...
MAL (CONT'D)
That's somebody's mother, you idiot!!...
She's got children!
OLD MAN PEANUT joins MAL by the figure...
OMP
She's a wife ... can't be off gobblin!
They are joined by ARCHIE...
ARCHIE
Got a grievin' 'usband!
He indicates COLIN who remains seated.
ARCHIE (CONT) (CONT'D)
... That's him! Colin!
MAL
You've ruined him!
OMP
He's a husk!... Nothing left of him!
MAL
He's shattered!... You've shat on him...
You shit!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 48.
40 CONTINUED: (5) 40
OMP
That's his missus ... That was his missus
you diddled ... That was Liz! That was
hi s L i z ! . . . T h a t w a s h i s L i z y o u
fucked!... That's Mrs. Diamond!... Mrs.
Colin Diamond!... A married woman, you
berk!
MAL
...And you a fucking waiter!... A fucking
waiter!... frog waiter!... You cuntin' *
spunka!... You sorry fuck! You'll be
fuckin' sorry!... If you thought
yesterday was something... today's gonna
be somet hin' else!. .. Yes terday was
nothin' !... I 've be en hom e... h ad a
bath... had a kip... somethin' to eat...
watched a bit of telly ... I've got a
li f e! . .. Be e n t o t he pu b .. . h a d a
drink!... Had a laugh!... Had a dance!...
And you?.... You stink!.. Locked in a
wardrobe!... Chucked in like a puppet!...
Like an unwanted toy!... Sack o' shit!...
Where's that bottle opener?... where's that
corkscrew?... Got a knife?
ARCHIE
(Doing nothing)
'Ere it is!
MAL
(Doing nothing)
Ta!... I'm rollin' my sleeves up!... Say
your fuckin' prayers!
They watch as the figure twitches, winces, evades imagined
blows ... Eventually
COLIN
I want to be alone with it
The men look at COLIN...
MAL
Is that a good idea?
ARCHIE and MEREDITH look at each other...
MEREDITH
... Yeah, alright, Col... We'll leave you
alone for a bit ... why not?
MAL
You sure?
ARCHIE
If that's what he wants!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 49.
40 CONTINUED: (6) 40
MEREDITH
We'll have a fag in the passage.
The men begin to leave ... OLD MAN PEANUT approaches COLIN...
OMP
You dare get emotional... You dare get
emotional... Don't you dare... Leave that
out... You hear me?... You kill him quick
and you're a cunt! ... Got that?
ARCHIE
(From the door)
... Peanut!
OMP
Remember ... He's had your wife!... Nice
'n' slow, boy ... Nice `n' slow!
OLD MAN PEANUT leaves the room ... the door is closed ...
long pause ... eventually ...
He glances at the wardrobe *
The door opens and ARCHIE pops his heap in... *
ARCHIE
Everythin' alright, Col?
COLIN
Everythin' alright?!... This cunt's been
up my wife!!... (HE CALMS)... Yeah, I'm
alright, Arch!
ARCHIE goes, closing the door...
CUT TO
41 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 41
Bare floorboards. Bare walls. Dim lighting. The colours grey,
brown, ochre, dirty cream, black,- Sombre... At the far end
is a dilapidated front door... To the right of rotting stairs
with broken, wooden banisters... MEREDITH sits smoking on top
of a knack ered upr ight pia no . .. O LD M AN P EANU T si ts
grouchily on the keys... MAL, partly hidden, sits smoking on
the stairs ... ARCHIE is gently closing the door to the main
room ... walking up the corridor towards the men/us...
MAL
(Casually)
'S he alright?
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 50.
41 CONTINUED: 41
ARCHIE
(No sweatishly)
Yeah, he's alright.
CUT TO
42 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 42
COLIN and LOVERBOY as before...
COLIN
You didn't know she was married to people
like me, didya? ... Or didya? - Maybe you
did -- probably did - Maybe it made it
more excitin' ... the risk element ...
Yeah, I can see that! (PAUSE) ... You're
thinkin', aren't you? ... Under that
stupid bag ... thinkin' away ... I can
hear it .. . Ca n hea r yo ur br ain
whirrin'... let me 'ave a stab at what
you're thinkin' apart from the obvious -
Sweet Jesus, please help me!"... My guess
is you 're thinkin' , 'Why am I still
alive? These are honourable men I've done
a bad thing - Why am I still alive?"...
Is that right?.. Is it? ... Nod your
fuckin' head if that's right!...
THE FIGURE, slowly nods
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
... Thank you... ... Alright - I'll tell
you why you're still alive ... but this
is just between you and me, mind ...
Thing is, I've got a dilemma! Which is -
and this is stupid, I know - I'm thinkin'
that with you dead - which is what I want
- don't get me wrong - I want you dead -
I think you owe me that - I do! ... Coz
that's what you've done to me - you've
killed me - but see, with you dead ...
She... Liz...Elizabeth. .. will hate me *
forever - end of story... However ... on
the other hand... 'f I let you live ...
well ... maybe ... Me an' Liz ... we can
... who knows ... who fuckin' knows ...
(PAUSE)... So that's the state of play... *
That's where we're at! (PAUSE)... D'you
know, I don't even know what you look *
like!.. It's all been a blur to me...
Last night I couldn't see anythin' what
wi t h a l l t h e r a g e a n d t h a t - T h e
disappointment - Come on then, let's `ave *
a look at you...
Slowly COLIN goes towards the figure... Stands in front of
it... Stares at i t...
51.
42 CONTINUED: 42
Suddenly his hands grab at the black plastic- he roughly
tears it open eventually revealing the bloody vest and pant-
ed body ... Now he slowly lifts the crumpled Tesco bag from
the head and we see the bowed, beaten face of LOVERBOY, early
30's ... Eventually...
COLIN (CONT) (CONT'D)
You know-you're not a bad looking boy!..
Yeah, I can see the attraction!... Young
... fit ... well built ... sexy ... but
if you don't mind my sayin' so - isn't it
all a bit obvious? Bit of a clich�? ...
(PAUSE) What was she doing? ... Silly cow
... What a stupid woman!...
COLIN slowly returns to his seat ... Uncaps the brandy ...
Pours some into the cap and drinks it...
COLIN (CONT'D)
(To Loverboy)
You don't know the first thing about
her! ... Bet she's never farted in
front of you, has she! ... Has she?
... No! ... I thought not!... it's not
romantic, is it? ... you just wanted
the perfumed clouds of love! ... The
magicalness of it all! ... All the
false crap!...Well I've got news for
you, s onny J im - t hat's not l ove!
That' s in - erm - whatdyamacallit -
fatuation ... tha t's wh at it is...
that's not fuckin' love!... Y'dildo...
Love's `ard work! `Ard graft! Love can
be murder! It's putting her first- not
you ... her! ... Watching what she
wants to watch on telly ... taking her
the papers and a cup of tea in bed on
a Sunday morning ... And enquiring...
as to how she might be feeling... "you
alr ig ht, L iz ?.. . Pl ump in g up he r
pillows... and she might get irritated
by tha t... ' leave me in peace for
God's sake! Constant attention!"...
and that might hurt, hearing that ... *
her saying that... but you've got to
ta k e i t o n t he c hi n . H av e b r oa d
shoulders. 'Cos she's the queen and
you're the bee ... the Dad... and so
wh a t i f y ou co o k t h e d in n er an d
there's no thanks for it! Don't do it
if you expect thanks for it! That's
not w hy yo u do it ! ... E nj oy th e
washing up-whistle while you work ...
and if she shouts through for you to
"shut up please stop whistling`---
then shut up! Stop whistling! Doesn't
co s t no t h i n g! . . .
(MORE)
52.
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
COLIN (CONT'D)
And, yes, you've ignored the dripping
tap or whatever for five years but one
day, for whatever reason, fuck knows
why, you get up off your fat arse and
you find yourself under the sink with
a span ner in your hand and yo u're
s m i l i n g a
way like fuck...'Cos you know that its
gonna please her! ... And if she don't
notice it, she don't notice it. It
don't matter. It's plumbed It's fixed.
It counts. It's the maintenance of a
marria ge. Th e nuts and bolts. The
nitty gritty. The reality... That's
life. That's love. It ain't easy ...
Nobody ever said i t'd b e easy and
they're right! It's hard work.... But
love c an be lovely ... ( meanin gful
pause)... One day... you're shaving in
the bathroom mirror - with a soapy
face - and you 'll fee l h er
approaching... entering... she's come
in for a pair of tights drying on the
radiator... on the way out she pats
your bum and she'll give you a tiny
smile - almost not a smile - almost
invisible - but a smile nevertheless
and it'll mean the fucking world to *
you... The whole incredible world...
The f uck in g uni ve rs e! (p au se) .. .
Me?... I'm old fashioned ... I'm like
swans-one partner for life! ... And
now y ou co me al on g in yo ur ti gh t
tro use rs to sp oi l i t all ! You 'v e *
spoilt my life! Degraded me! Brought
me to me knees! Humiliated me!... You
ugly cunt ... your heart's ugly ...
selfish ... selfish, ugly, cunt !...
Love is give and take, mate ... give
and take... give... and... take... You
to o k. . . a nd I g i ve . .. I g iv e .. .
(STARES AT LOVER BOY LOSES IT BALLS
HIS FIST MENACINGLY) I give you such a
fucking punch in the mouth in a minute
... (PAUSE) I wet the bed last night
... coz of you ... cried myself to
sleep . .. Cr ied m yself to fuckin' *
sleep! ... Thanks to you! ... Look at
me... Look at me crying!... Look at
these tears! ... Fucking look at me!
You fucking look at me! ... Look at
me!... You fucking cunt !... I said
look at me!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 53.
42 CONTINUED: (3) 42
LOVERBOY gradually, painfully, lifts his bowed head ...
Slowly, very slowly, he turns ... And looks at COLIN ...
They look at each other...
CUT TO.
43 EXT WEST PIER, BRIGHTON MISTY NIGHT 1954 43
His face is blank. Heartless. Matter of fact. Grizzled.
Cold. His eyes dull. Black. Stony ... He is thick set... Bear-
like... He wears a scruffy tweed coat ... A flat working man's
cap a thick, battered gypsy belt-and he is busy bundling a
live cockerel into the Hessian sack before him ... In with
the snake ... In with the dog ... In with the man - the
beaten, terrified, whimpering man in the sack...the four
creatures in there together ... Pandemonium in the sack as he
ties it off ... Brutishly dragging the hellish parcel to the
edge of the pier-and lazily booting it into the dark sea
below .. . He tur ns now . .. His task com pleted . .. And
couldn't give a monkeys as he looks with zero compassion down
the barrel of the camera at us... He walks off, disappearing
into the foggy night ... This was BRIGHTON BILLY...
CUT TO.
44 EXT UNDERWATER NIGHT 44
In the gloomy dirty, silent water the tethered sack descends
... Hellish movement inside...
CUT BACK TO
45 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 45
The men as before ... Eventually...
MEREDITH
'Ow's yer Mum, Arch?
ARCHIE
(Modest. Fond)
Yeah, she's alright... fine... doin'
very well ... (SLIGHT PAUSE) `Ad a bit
of a scare last week, though ... She *
fell outa bed, middle of the night!
... I didn't hear `er! ... Found 'er
in the mornin' sleepin' on the floor!
Frightened the life out, of me! - but
sh e ' s a l r i g h t . . . D o c ' s a y s i t
'appens...
MAL
She's tough, your Mum ... she'll go on
forever!
54.
45 CONTINUED: 45
ARCHIE
(Sweetly. Lovingly)
... Yeah ... she'll outlive me -- that's
for sure!
MEREDITH
Give 'er my regards!
ARCHIE
(Gratefully)
Yeah, I will ... I will ... course...
Silence- eventually...
OMP
D'you remember Samson?...Who remembers
Samson?
MAL
'Ad a petshop on the Roman Road.
OMP
No! The Bible! ... A strongman!
MEREDITH
Victor Mature... *
(beat) *
... Never fancied `im. *
OMP
... I'm talkin' about the real McCoy ..
the actual bloke!
MAL
(To Peanut)
What about 'im?
MEREDITH
Now Rod Taylor - that's different! - What
a shag! Mamma Mia! -- Big fat back!
OMP
(Ignoring)
This is a man who's got everything! ...
Power. ' Influence. Upper body strength.
Friends in 'igh places!
MEREDITH
And John Saxon! - Enter the drag - queen!
-- Sex-ee!
OMP
He meets this bitch...
MEREDITH
Boyd'y! - Stephen Boyd! - Scrumptious!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 55.
45 CONTINUED: (2) 45
OMP
(Persevering)
... Falls in love with the cunt... *
MEREDITH
... And Paul McCartney, strangely enough!
OMP
(Pestered)
...He falls in love with the cunt...
ARCHIE
...'S Sir Paul now, innit?
MEREDITH
Hedi Lamarr!
OMP
(irate)
Oh, please! Let me say what I'm sayin'!
MEREDITH
But that's who it is. In the film - Hedi
Lamarr!
O.M.P.
(impatient)
In the film, yeah ... *
MEREDITH
Delilah
OMP
Yeah, right hooer! ... He's got this
lovely long hair ... as was the style in
them days ... and its where he got `is
st r en g th fr o m . .. On e n i gh t s h e' s
dru gge d' im .. . p ut a po tio n in 'i s
drink...
CUT TO
46 INT BED CHAMBER BC NIGHT 46
C/U on a bejewelled, golden goblet of red wine on a marble
surface... Now a many braceleted beautiful arm and heavily
ringed hand of a woman comes into view... Powder is gently
poured into the goblet...
CUT BACK TO
47 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 47
OMP
... He's gone all woozy and he's conked
out on the marble floor...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 56.
47 CONTINUED: 47
OMP (CONT'D)
She's crept off like the rat she is and
she's come back.. with a pair of scissors
... And she's give'im the full monty ...
short back and sides!
CUT TO
48 INT BED CHAMBER BC NIGHT 48
We are C/U on the back of a head of extremely long hair,-the
same ringed hands wielding scissors, frenziedly hack and chop
in a flurry of hair barbarism!
CUT BACK TO
49 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 49
OMP
... Next mornin' he's woke up ... gone
into the bathroom for a wash ... Looked
in the mirror ... seen the state of his
barnet and he's flipped `is lid! ... He's
hit the roof!...-He's gone apeshit!..
CUT TO
50 INT OLD TESTAMENT BATHROOM DAY 50
We see SAMSON... 6'5"... Hunky, handsome, beefcake... His
hair cut superman-style ... Going beserk! ... Smashing the
roo m up .. . Wa il ing .. . Sc rea mi ng .. . H ow li ng ... W it h
displeasure at his new style...
CUT BACK TO
51 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 51
OMP
... H e's r each ed fo r hi s tru sty
broadsword only to discover he can't pick
it up - weighs a ton!! ... His strength
was in his hair you see ... He can't even
pick up his fuckin' toothbrush! ... From
then on his life was terrible ... Fell
apart!... They stabbed 'is eyes out ...
blinded 'im! Stuck `im in a dungeon!...
Bread and water!... Whipped! Lashed!
Mornin', noon and night!...
CUT TO
52 INT DUNGEON BC NIGHT 52
SAMSON, chained up, sporting a pudding basin cut ... His bare
back being lashed by TWO BURLY, UNIFORMED SOLDIERS ... Crack!
Crack! Crack!.. Over this we hear...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 57.
52 CONTINUED: 52
OMP (VOICE)
... His life was a fuckin' misery!..
C/U on SAMSON'S agonised face as he's being whipped, his hair
something of a `bob'... Over this we hear...
OMP (VOICE) (CONT'D)
... But all the while see, his hair's
growin' back in!
JUMP CUT TO
C/U on SAMSON'S agonised face as he's being whipped, his hair
somewhat 'pageboy'... Over this we hear...
OMP (VOICE) (CONT'D)
... He's gettin' stronger!
JUMP CUT TO
SAMSON. Long haired, chained up alone in the, dungeon ...
Presently the sound of the heavy door being unbolted ...
Slowly it eases open ... And there stands DELILAH, tears in
her eyes...
OMP VOICE
... She comes to visit `'im ... Tries to
make it up...
She throws herself on him ... Is all over him ... Smothering
him with kisses ... We see SAMSON'S harsh, hard, set face as
he's being kissed...
OMP VOICE (CONT'D)
But he don't want to know! - Well he sort
of does ... but anyway...
Sud de nl y t he c ha ine d up S AMS ON s pu rns t he r epe nt an t
DELILAH... He lashes out with his sandaled, foot ... And
boots her across the room ... She lands like a sack of
potatoes against the wall...
CUT BACK TO
53 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 53
OMP
... Now by this stage his hair's down
'ere... (INDICATES ON HIMSELF) ... And
his might's comin' back - Slowly but
surely!... Comes the day of the big party
in the temple and he's well up for it!
Can't wait! Bent on vengeance!... But
he's got fuck all on `im - no weapons -
no nothin' - No matter!...
CUT TO
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 58.
54 INT TEMPLE PARTY BC NIGHT 54
MUSIC 'CANNED HEAT' BY JAMIROQUAI...
Lavish, debauched frivolities- PHILISTINES, MACEDONIANS,
PERSIANS ETC having a ball...to one side of the dance floor
we see the forlorn figure of SAMSON...
OMP VOICE
He's chained up between these two columns
... Great thick pillars ... And all the
guests are taunting 'im ... slaggin' 'im
off...
We see this ... Liberties being taken with poor SAMSON ...
Women teasing him ... Dwarfs kicking -him ... A camp chap in
a robe lifting SAMSON'S tunic to reveal his undergarments-
SAMSON, somewhat mincily, twists and writhes, squirms, in a
vain attempt to protect his modesty ... But it is hopeless
... The tau nter s s quea l w ith del ight at his pa thet ic
plight... .
OMP VOICE (CONT'D)
... Callin' 'im this and that ... every
name under the sun and he thinks - right -
fuck you lot, 'ave some of this...
SAMSON, incensed, begins to push mightily against the pillars
-his face a mask of crazed revenge
CUT BACK TO.
55 INT HALLWAY DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 55
OLD MAN PEANUT is determinedly pushing against the walls of
the hallway ... The others, slightly bored, vaguely amused,
watch him...
OMP
(Pushing the walls)
... And with 'is bare hands...'is simple,
big, bare fuckin' hands - he's pushed and
he's pushed... pushed and pushed -'uffin'
an' puffin' 'eavin' an 'oin'... until the
ve r y f o u n d a t i o n s o f t h e h o u s e o f
debauchery start to crack - to yield...
to crumble... and I'm tellin' ya, they
built things proper in them days. Built
to last - this was no mean feat...And
with one mammoth shove ... One terrible
thrust... He's brought the whole kaboodle
crashin' to the ground!... He's killed
the whole fuckin' tot of 'em!!
CUT TO
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 59.
56 INT TEMPLE DEVASTATED NIGHT 56
Chaos... Panic stricken party-goers fleeing in terror...
Rushing towards and past the camera... Behind them the temple
in ruins ... People crushed ... Limbs sticking out of the
rubble...
CUT BACK TO
57 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 57
ARCHIE
And 'imself!
OMP
And 'imself! ... He didn't give a fuck
about 'imself by this point! ... And all
because....
MUSIC begins "THIS & THAT" by TOM JONES...
CUT TO
58 INT ROOM DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 58
MUSIC CONTINUES-...
LOVERBOY is as before ... We see the back of COLIN as he
leans on the mantelpiece ... Deep in thought...
OMP VOICE
... And all because?...
CROSS FADE TO
59 EXT DESERTED STREETS/ALLEYWAY RAIN NIGHT 59
THE MUSIC CONTINUES...
The streets deserted..... Bleak.... Drizzly.... Foreboding
CROSS FADE TO...
60 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 60
THE MUSIC CONTINUES...
COLIN sits in front of LOVERBOY... staring intently at him...
OMP VOICE
... And all because?...
CROSS FADE TO...
61 EXT DESERTED STREETS/ALLEYWAYS RAIN NIGHT 61
THE MUSIC CONTINUES...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 60.
61 CONTINUED: 61
The stre ets seem ingl y de sert ed... . B leak .... Driz zly... .
Foreboding.... We become aware of the gentle clicking of high
heel shoes...
CROSS FADE TO...
62 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 62
THE MUSIC CONTINUES-
COLIN stands directly behind LOVERBOY ... staring down
murderously at him...
OMP VOICE
... And all because?...
COLIN slowly lifts his head ... and stares down the barrel of
the camera...
CUT TO
63 INT HALLWAY, DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 63
C/U on OLD MAN PEANUT...
OMP
... of a woman!
THE MUSIC STOPS.
CUT TO.
64 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 64
COLIN staring darkly at LOVERBOY...
COLIN
...(QUIETLY)... I was up at the window... the
broken window... I called to her ... She *
couldn't have heard me... couldn't have
heard me... I went fuckin' bananas ...
ballistic ... went fuckin' spare ... You
ain't seen nothin' like this ... like
what I did ... I 'was possessed ... I
smashed my home up! With my bare hands I
smashed my home to pieces!'... BANG!
Elbowed the telly!... BANG!... There goes
the coffee table!... BANG!...That's the
stereo fucked!... BANG!., Gonna need a
new settee now!... And carpets!... And
it's BANG this and its BANG that! BANG!
BANG! BANG! - Like Sonny and fuckin'
Cher!... I almost killed the family dog! -
You almost killed the family dog! D'You *
accept that you've spunked all over my
marriage? (LOVERBOY SLIGHTLY NODS) ...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 61.
64 CONTINUED: 64
COLIN (CONT'D)
Note that the prisoner has nodded his
head ... How do you plead? ... Exactly!
As sin!... Before sentence is passed, do
you have anythin' to say for yourself? No
you don't! Take him away... come'ere!...
I'm gonna strangle your eyeballs out!
Gonna embed your 'ead in that wall!...
He lunges towards LOVERBOY ... murderously, his hands about
to strangle...
SUDDENLY...
LIZ'S VOICE
(From outside. Distant)
No!
COLIN freezes in his tracks, shocked at what he has heard...
What he thinks he has heard... Backs away from LOVERBOY...
Gathers himself... Makes his way gingerly to the filthy
window... Tries to clear the accumulated grime with the palm
of his hand... Eventually can just about see through onto the
street... All seems quiet, deserted... But no... He catches a
glimpse, a blur, of red -- A figure? ... Disappears...
Colin shocked... backing away from the window slightly... Then
edging closer again... Peering through ... Seeing ... 30 yds
away, standing stock still, staring back at him... LIZ... She
is glamorous ... A slinky red cocktail dress... High heels...
No bag... No coat... Un-bloody, un-marked, un-scathed... Full
make up... A fantastic face... A fantastic face...staring
back at him...
COLIN
(Shell-shocked)
... Liz!
She turns ... Walks into the dark ... And is gone... COLIN
desperate, can't see properly, smashes the filthy pane of
glass with his elbow... Suddenly legs appear at the window...
Striding silently past ... But they are giant- she must be
50ft tall... And now they are gone ...
64A INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE 64A *
COLIN turns back into the room now populated with OMP , *
MEREDITH, MAL and ARCHIE. COLIN stands strong... As strong as *
he can ... Braced ... Holding his head high - as high as he
can ... Expectant ... Looking towards the door ... As it
slowly begins to open ... LIZ enters... *
MAL
She's got some fuckin' balls, I'll tell
ya... she has got some fuckin' balls!
And now she appears ... In the doorway ... And COLIN is
looking at her ... At LIZ... The men have taken their seats
... Interested ... Very interested...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 62.
64A CONTINUED: 64A
OMP
I knew she'd show her Jezebel face!
MAL
(To Loverboy)
'Ere, Romeo, things are lookin' up ...
the cavalry's arrived!... Can't you smell
it?!
COLIN is looking at her ... But her loveliness is sapping his
strength ... He can't take it ... He can't take the beauty...
He crumples into a nearby armchair ... His face averted from
all ... Eventually
LIZ
(Look ing a t Lov erbo y. So tto
voce)
... Bastards...
MAL
What's that, slag?
ARCHIE
Now that's something I don't like - A
woman swearin'... Its unbecomin'!
OMP
She wants her fucking mouth washed out
with soap, she does!
MAL
Jokin', mate ... she'd fuckin' love that!
LIZ
You all must be very proud of yourselves.
OMP
Not yet we ain't but we're gettin' there!
LIZ
What have you done to him?
ARCHIE
It's a ll se lf in flict ed... all self
inflicted.
OMP
He's a masherkist!
MEREDITH
A what?!
OMP
A masherkist!... You must know what a
masherkist is! Don't you know what a
masherkist is? - A masherkist!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 63.
64A CONTINUED: (2) 64A
MEREDITH
(Laughing ... Can't bear it)
Don't say that word anymore ... please!
LIZ
(Takes out a cigarette)
... Mal, have you got a light?
MAL
What? Yeah...
MAL goes to LIZ ... Lights her cigarette ... She touches
his hand gently as he does so... MAL looks at her ... She
looks at him...
OMP
(To Mal)
What you doin?
MAL
(Dumbly)
Giving her a light...
OMP
Well just give her it, then! Doesn't `ave
to be all that!
MAL hesitates ... Returns to his seat ... Eventually...
LIZ
Thanks, Mal.
LONG PAUSE...
MEREDITH
'Ere Liz...'ere's a funny thing ... Last
week, right, I went to get a new pair of
shoes ... down Bond Street ... So I've
popped into this shop and I've said I
want that pair - those in the window - in
a ten... So he's brought'em to me and I
tr i es 'e m o n .. . b e au t if u l. . . l ik e
slippers... bit loud for this lot but me
to a 'T'... I'll 'ave 'em... Ow much?...
Four 'undred and forty four pounds!... So
I'm counting out the money and I can feel
the assistant standing too close - like
here - like his head's by my chin ... So
I've eased him back a tad and I says, 'ow
much were these again? ... and he's told
me ... repeated it ... Four 'undred and
forty-four pounds ... Tell you what, I
say s. .. I' ll g iv e y ou f iv e 'un dr ed
for'em... I'll get the box, he says ...
but I've called him back ...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 64.
64A CONTINUED: (3) 64A
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
Never mind the box, I says, stick `em in
a paper bag!... Right you are, sir, he
says ... and toddles off.
LIZ
I know you hate me.
MEREDITH
Lovely shoes! ... Hate you? ... No-one's
hating ... not in this room ... So shut
your fucking mouth!
ARCHIE
(Pointing to Meredith's feet)
Is that them?
MEREDITH
(Eyes on Liz)
... No... these are boots ... this was
shoes ... Would you like something to
drink, Liz? ... (he walks over to her
with his whiskey bottle) ... Sorry we
ain't got a glass ... D'you mind the
bottle?
OMP
Up yer arse!
MEREDITH
(Tuts. Waves his finger at Old *
Man Peanut)
Peanut!... (To LIZ) ... Apologies for
that ... That was uncalled for ... Do
you forgive 'im?
LIZ
I didn't hear him.
MEREDITH
... I said sorry we ain't got a glass ...
D'you mind the bottle? And he said, `Up
your arse!"... D'you forgive 'im?
LIZ ignores- reaches for the whiskey bottle ... Takes a swig
... Hands it back... MEREDITH returns to his seat...
ARCHIE
Why'd you give' im five 'undred for 'em?
MEREDITH
You wouldn't understand.
ARCHIE
No I don't!
OMP
He was bein' flash!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 65.
64A CONTINUED: (4) 64A
OMP (CONT'D) *
Is it true?... Is it? ... Is it true,
Liz?
LIZ
Is what true?
OMP
Is it true you're expectin?
MAL
(Surprised)
Is she?!
OMP
(Relishing the thought)
Could be!... Could be, Col!... (COLIN
IS LISTENING. ALARMED. ALL EARS) ...
Eh? ... A little one . .. a l ittle
bastard!...
LIZ
(Dismissively)
Oh, shut up ... you idiot!
COLIN looks at her, weighing it up, unsure...
OMP
Coz if it's true ... if it is true ... *
you're comin' round my house ... get in
the back room ... bottle of gin ... in
the tin bath ... and my Agnes'll take
care of it - with a coat hanger!... Then
that'll be ta ken ca re of and we can
forget all about this slack behaviour of
yours...
MEREDITH
It's not exactly BUPA, is it?!
OMP
(To Meredith)
It's the way it's done! It's what you
do!... To amend!
MAL
Nah ... you're just gettin' your rocks
off! - He's just gettin' 'is rocks off,
Colin!
OMP
If she were mine I'd stone 'er!
LIZ *
Like you've been stoning Agnes for years?
66.
64A CONTINUED: (5) 64A
OMP
You what?... What did you say?... You're
wrong!... Fucking fornicator!... -She's
loyal to me... Faithful and true! ...
LIZ
She's just scared...
OMP
You bitch!... Bad-mouthing me!... You!...
Its outrageous!... Knock some sense into
her , C ol in! .. . B eat i t o ut of h er!
You're in trouble you cunt and you know
it! .. . You hear me? ... W hore! ...
Colin, if you're not gonna do something
about this ... I'll do something!
LIZ
Like what? Piss your pants?
OMP
'Ow dare you!...'Ow dare you!... I'll
mark your face forever!... I'll knock
your fuckin' teeth out (as he says this
his dentures slip out of his mouth. his
jaw grapples to re-grip them)
LIZ laughs at his plight...
LIZ
Come on then...
OMP
(Flustered)
Colin!
LIZ
What are you waiting for?
OLD MAN PEANUT, furious, rises...
ARCHIE
Don't rise to it, Pop!
OMP
(Sitting)
...Yeah, you're right! ... Why give
her the satisfaction?! ... I wouldn't
gi ve h e r th e p ic ki n gs o f f my
handkerchief! ... (TO LIZ) In time ...
In time lady ... All in good time ...
I'm gonna enjoy watching you squeal
lik e th e sow y ou a re! .. . An d yer
little piglet!
LIZ
Oh, grow up!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 67.
64A CONTINUED: (6) 64A
MAL
(Indicating Loverboy)
He ' s n ot sa y in ' m uc h , i s h e, To m
Cruise?!
ARCHIE
He's keepin' his head down...'Opin it'll
go away...
OMP
Well, it won't!... Whoremonger!
MAL
(To Loverboy)
Oi, fi shface ... S he's lookin ' at
you!... Now she's lookin' at me! ...
Now she's lookin' at you again!... (TO
THE MEN) ... Did you see that? How she
went f rom lo ve to hate in a s plit
second?
OMP
Typical!
MAL
(To Loverboy)
Come on then! ... Give her a look! ... A
look of love! ... Oi, buggerlugs, you
listenin?...Am I talkin' to myself 'ere?!
Fuckin' look at 'er! ... Look at `er, you
worthless'cowson!
OMP
Adulterer!
ARCHIE
Look at 'er!
MAL
Cunt!!
LIZ
Stop it!
MAL
Shut up!... (TO LOVERBOY) Look at `er!
Slowly, painfull y, LOVER BOY lif ts his h ead to l ook at
LIZ...they stare into each other's eyes...
ARCHIE
(Falsely moved)
Aahh!
MAL
... By the way... Do you still love her?
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 68.
64A CONTINUED: (7) 64A
Slowly LOVERBOY looks away from LIZ...
MAL (CONT'D)
There's your answer!... I think we can
take that as a 'No'!... Well we've learnt
something ... Fear is stronger than love!
ARCHIE
I knew that!... Everyone knows that!...
MEREDITH
(Staring at Colin)
... Do they?...
LIZ is staring at LOVERBOY... COLIN watching her every move
like a hawk....she rises from her chair ... Goes to LOVERBOY
... Kneels beside him ... Gently turns his face to look at
her ... She smiles at him with great tenderness - COLIN,
heartbroken, watches ... LIZ kneeling beside LOVERBOY...
Tenderly stroking his face ... The men chatter quietly
feeling for COLIN...
MAL
(Sotto voce)
Should he be seein' that?
MEREDITH
(Sotto Voce)
Can't be favourite!
OMP
(quietish)
They may as well be fuckin' doin' it in
front of 'im!
ARCHIE
(Sympathetically sotto voce)
That's gotta smart!
MAL
(Sotto voce)
You do not wanna see your wife tendin' to
another man in that way! - That's 'usband
only stuff!.
MEREDITH
'S quite beautiful, really...
OMP
What you on about?! 'S ugly! 'S `ideous! -
it's pornogrographic!
MEREDITH
...'S like a paintin'...'Loverboy bein'
tended to by 'is Liz ... (ARCHIE and MAL
suppressing laughter) ... with spare
prick Colin lookin' on'! ...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 69.
64A CONTINUED: (8) 64A
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
(giggling schoolboys) ... Oil on canvas!
... I might paint that when I get home
... give it to Archie's mum on Pancake
Day...
MAL
(Wetting himself)
Shutup!!
ARCHIE
(Wiping away a laughter tear)
Poor bastard!
MAL
(Sobering)
... You alright Col?
Now COLIN turns from the Pieta ... Towards the men...
COLIN
(to MAL)
... Yeah, I'm alright, Archie!
MAL
What?
ARCHIE
I'm Archie!
MAL
I'm Mal!
COLIN
I'm not Colin!
MEREDITH
That's interestin'!
OMP
(Confused)
Eh!
COLIN
He's gone.
ARCHIE
Gone? ... Where? ... Where you gone, son?
COLIN
There is no Colin... No such man... No
such person... Not anymore... There was a
man called Colin... He looked like me...
But not anymore ... (pause) His boots
were covered in icing...
OMP
Eh!
70.
64A CONTINUED: (9) 64A
COLIN *
... Little mornin' suit... *
MEREDITH *
(Cheerily tipping an invisible *
hat)
Mornin'!
COLIN
... Little gentleman... (goes over to
LIZ...) You remember Colin, don't you?...
Course you do!.. No?... He had a big
heart!... Don't you remember? 'Ave you
forgot ? - h is ki ndnes s... His s weet
nature ... C ouldn 't do enou gh, c ould
he?... Family man... Proud... His kids...
Home... His wife... How he used to make
her laugh... Spoil her... Dote on her...
Different treats... Ah, well!... Do you
know what happened to him? - I do!...
Yeah!... He was murdered! Yeah!, In his
kitchen - that's right!... in his own
fuckin' kitchen!... Had his fuckin' heart
ripped out ... standin' by the fridge...
Should've seen his face - Stupid! Looked
like a cunt !... He did!... You would've
laughed!
ARCHIE
(Straight)
No one's callin' you a cunt, Col.
COLIN
(To Liz ... indicating
Loverboy)
... He met Colin! ... Didn't you? ...
Last night ... Do you remember? ... He
wasn't very nice to you was he?! ...
No he wasn't! (DIRECTLY TO LIZ) Didn't
k n o w w h a t f u c k i n ' h i t h im ! He
remembers Colin, alright! ... The man
Colin!...
MAL
Yeah, he fucked 'is fuckin' wife, didn't
he?! Fucked 'is fuckin' wife!
LIZ
(Rises takes out a cigarette)
What and you wouldn't?
MAL is stunned ... LIZ sits by OLD MAN PEANUT ... who without
thinking, lights her cigarette...
MAL
What did you say? What did she say?...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 71.
64A CONTINUED: (10) 64A
LIZ
I said that given half a chance you'd try
to fuck me.
All eyes on MAL...
MAL
(Defensively)
Not now I wouldn't!
COLIN
(Studying him)
Well when, then?
MAL
Never! Fuck off! - What is this?! ...
(a l l e ye s o n M A L) Fu c k' s s a ke ! .. .
What?. .. Wh at th e fuc k is this? !...
Don't! ... Don't do this, Col... this
ain't right! ... What you tryin' to do -
put me in the fuckin' wardrobe?! ...
Wel l, I' m no t goi n' in th e fuc ki n'
war dr obe !. .. I re fu se to g o i n th e
fuckin' wardrobe !.. Alright?!... Fuckin'
make me out to be a... to be a...
COLIN
To be a what?
MAL
Look she's a good lookin' woman - she's
beautiful - she's sexy - she's horny -
fuckin' Meredith said as much - You'd
have to be blind not to notice - deaf and
dumb - but if you're expectin' me to deny
that ... I'm not gonna! ... But one thing
I am fuckin' not ... one thing I am most
definitely not - is -
LIZ
- A liar.
MAL
That's fuckin' right! Fuckin' right!...
Look, Colin, you've obviously got a bee
in your bonnet about somethin' but all I
did was give her a light!
COLIN
I've told you ... I'm not Colin
MAL
(Irate)
Yeah? Well I'm not fuckin' Liz!
- He is! (Points to LOVERBOY)
72.
64A CONTINUED: (11) 64A
COLIN looks to LOVERBOY ... looks back to MAL ... stares at *
him ... eventually lets it go ... looks at the men... looks *
at LIZ, who sits smoking ... looks to LOVERBOY... *
CUT TO
65 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 65
COLIN and LOVERBOY alone ... COLIN studying him...
COLIN
You 'r e m or e 'an dso me tha n m e. Mor e
virile. Younger. Probably more sexually
experienced ... patient, considerate,
tender, sensitive, kind, thoughtful,
sh a r i ng , g i vi n g , in t e l l ig e n t ,
passionate... D'you want me to go on? ...
Bet you get her goin' ... take her there
... talk to her, listen to her, hear her -
yo u h ea r h e r! . . . Y o u l au g h -
together!... God you're manly! Fuckin'
manly! ... What a man ! "Go d's g ift!
You're everythin a woman could want... I
can just see your wardrobe! - Everythin'
colour co-ordinated! Whatever you pick
out to wear ... whatever combination - it
works! - You look superb! ... And your
underw ear - immac ulate ! 100 % cot ton!
Dazzlin'!... Not like my pinky grey-y
things! Nah, you've just got it - good at
everythin'! ... Me - on the other hand -
I'm good at sittin'!... Sit, sit, sit...
watch, watch, watch ... drink, drink,
drink... Honestly, she must've spent *
half our marriage yawnin "... The kids --
d'you know what they call me? - Captain
Arsehole! - Oh, but they do! Captain
Arsehole! - They were thinkin' of gettin'
T-shirts printed up for the whole family
with my photo on them and the legend
"Captain Arsehole" printed underneath!...
And you know what? - I'd ave worn one! -
I would've! If it'd've pleased them -
given 'em a laugh - I'd a worn one! ...
Wouldn't I, Liz?
He turns-but the room is empty ... Just him and LOVERBOY ...
COLIN realises he's been seen talking to himself ... Turns on
LOVERBOY...
COLIN (CONT'D)
What you starin' at?!... French Cunt!... *
Sittin' there all superior... Shut your
mouth - shut your noise... (pause) Shut
your eyes!... Shut your fuckin' eyes!...
(LOV ERB OY do es so ... CO LI N g ra bs a
chair... sits facing LOVERBOY)...
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 73.
65 CONTINUED: 65
COLIN (CONT'D)
Right - you're comin' with me!... (pause,
stares hard at terrified LOVERBOY ) ...
This is it... here we are... The Master
bedroom, look...
CUT TO
66 INT MASTER BEDROOM DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA DAY 66
We enter the bedroom just behind COLIN ... He looks over his
shoulder ... Talks/refers directly to camera/LOVERBOY ...
COLIN
...recently painted... That's the bed...
see the tangled sheets?!... (indicates a
door. Opens it.)... Bathroom! - en suite
look ... gold taps! - but never mind
that... ignore all that... that's not why
you're in `ere... It's that - that look -
this - this look - this 'ere... (he has
moved to a chest of drawers)... this
chest of drawers... Inside here, mate, is
tre as ure .. . (ca re ss es th e che st o f
drawers). Treasure like you wouldn't
fuckin' believe! - Should we have a look
inside it?... Shall we?...We fuckin'
shall!... (slowly opens a drawer)... What
we got 'ere? 'S her underwear, look ...
all s oft a n' wa rm .. . a n' p ret ty .. .
(slowly turns to us. Stares darkly. Turns
away. Shuts the drawer)... Shut that...
'Ow a bou t th is on e? (o pe ns an ot he r
drawer ) My socks and pants ! (cl oses
it)... What about this one? This could be
interestin'... (slowly opens another
drawer. His face lights up). Bingo! (He
extracts an old document. holds it up for
us to see) ... See this? See it? D'you
know what this is? No?... I'll tell ya
what this is - 's the contract!...'s the
marriage contract! (stares smugly)...
Lets see what it says, shall we? (READS)
'Mr and Mrs Colin Diamond!'... It's there
in black and white. Plain as the broken
nose on your face...'Married'! 'By law!
'Before God'!... There's no gettin' round
that!... We must accept that!... So...
this piece of paper's gonna be a bit
trick y... yeah, diff icult ... hmm ...
(MUSES) Tell ya what, lets lay it aside
for a bit... (puts it back)...'Allo ,
what's this? (takes out a photograph) 'S
a p ho to! T ha t's u s on ou r wed di ng '
day!... Don't laugh at-the suit ... pony
'aircut!.. (stares at it intently) But
didn't she look lovely!....What else we
got in 'ere? (rummages) The stuff you
keep!...'Ere's 'er garter, look!
(MORE)
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 74.
66 CONTINUED: 66
COLIN (CONT'D)
(shows it to us) ... Blue, of course!...
Wha t' s i n th is bo x? (o pe ns a sm al l
box)... Oh, it's cake! Bit of cake! Still
all right. . still moist - you could eat
that!... (looks at it intently... then
returns it to the drawer. Now his eye
catches something inside and slowly he
reaches in ... gently extracts a fancy,
pearl handled, gleaming, 12" knife.)
'Ere's the knife we cut it with!... (he -
confronts us. Holding it staring at us
darkly. Murderously ... Eventually...)
... Best put this away, eh?. '. (slides
the knife back into the drawer. Finds
something else ... Something 2 inches
tall. His face fills with wonder)...
Ere's a little man, look ... off the top
of the cake! Ain't he 'andsome! (looks
closely at it)... In 'is little mornin'
suit ... aahh!! - Top hat - spats 'n'
al l ! . . . I t s m e ! ! . . . ( S u d d e n l y ,
violently, he thrusts the 2 inch groom
towards us/camera. Holding. It. Shaking
with rage) ... You've made me feel that
sm a ll ! !! (p u ll s h i ms e lf to g et h er .
Retracts the figure) ... He's goin' back
in the drawer! (QUICKLY RETURNS IT) ...
Safe! ... Away from you!!...
CUT BACK TO
75-78.
67 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 67
LOVERBOY with his eyes shut ... COLIN, upset, opposite...
COLIN
Away from you!! ... (TURNING to THE
ROOM) Away from him!!
He turns...and we now see the others back in the room ...
But... LIZ's head is on MEREDITH'S body she smokes ...
MEREDITH'S head is on ARCHIE'S body he leans on the
mantelpiece ... ARCHIE'S head is on MAL's body standing ...
MAL's head is OLD MAN PEANUT's body sitting...
C/U on COLIN'S face ... He can't believe it ... Addresses
the MEREDITH/LIZ person
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Perplexed)
What's 'appenin', Meredith?
But this figure does not reply ... The response comes from
the LIZ/MEREDITH combo...
LIZ/MEREDITH
(But with Old Man Peanut's
voice)
Oh, I'm not Meredith!
OMP
(but with ARCHIE,s gruff
voice)
Oh, gawd! !
COLIN confused ... Fascinated ... Scared ... Especially by
the relaxed, cross legged, smoking, sexy-bodied, feminine
form disturbingly topped with the nasty old head of OLD MAN
PEANUT ... it speaks...
OMP/LIZ
(but with MEREDITH'S smooth
voice)
... My name is Max.
COLIN
- No - Sacha! ...
CUT TO
68 EXT ELEGANT STATELY HOME DAY 68
We take in the splendor of a grand old stately house...Over
this we hear...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 78A.
68 CONTINUED: 68
MEREDITH V/O
Sacha is it...Alright...Sacha it
is...It's your nightmare, Col...I'm
only the chauffeur...
We now see MEREDITH.... Immaculate in a dove grey
chauffeur's uniform - below the window ... On the
impressive gravel drive ... Tending to an orange coloured
Bentley... Over this we hear...
MEREDITH VO
Liz hates me ... She's a lady ... Rich
bitch ... Fuck all to do 'cept shop
and wank... Bored out of her box...
She's at the window ... looking out
... looking down...
We see the upper regency window ... Behind it, staring
through, looking down, is LIZ ... Wearing electric pink
jodhpurs ... Leaf-green, silk, blouse and stock ... Riding
boots ... Her face spectacularly made up - severe.... Over
this we hear...
MEREDITH VO (CONT'D)
I'm in the drive, waxing the
Bentley... I can feel her eyes... on
me... scorching through my dove-grey
uniform... but I'll be damned if I'm
gonna look at her... I know she's
crying... and I can feel her
loneliness ... emptiness... longing...
So I'm buffin' away with my cloth...
my little chamois - leather!...
MEREDITH stops waxing ... LIZ at the window staring down...
he does not look at her...
MEREDITH VO (CONT'D)
... Think I'll `ave a fag... One
deserve one ... Its hard work rubbing
a car down... I smoke - What do I
smoke Col? *
COLIN (V.O.)
Sovereigns! *
He takes out a pack of cigarettes- studies the box with
mild disapproval...
MEREDITH VO (CONT'D) *
Sovereigns!...Alright!...Get the ugly *
old silver pack out ... put one in my *
mouth ... yellow 'clipper'... light it
... lean on the bonnet... puff away
... She's still fuckin' looking at
me...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 78B.
68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
MEREDITH THE CHAUFFEUR
(Not looking at Liz)
... Aintcha?!
MEREDITH (V.O.) *
...Hang on, you're playing safe `ere *
Col. This is more Mal... *
MAL (V.O.) *
Oh. Fucking cheers Meredith. *
Suddenly Mal is the chauffeur -looking as though he's *
dressed in a hurry... *
MAL VO *
What am I doin' `ere?... Is she
looking at me?...She is ain't
she...She's looking at me!...
We see LIZ at the window... She is slowly, erotically,
flagrantly, licking the glass...
MAL VO (CONT'D) *
Hold up!...What's she doin'
now?...She's licking the bleedin'
window...Licking the bleedin'
glass!...What's she doin' that
for?...That's a bit weird,
innit?!...Bloody `ell!
Now he turns ... C/U on him as he looks up at the window
and stares ... Over this we hear...
MAL VO (CONT'D) *
... That's not right! - That ain't -
That's wrong!...Take note Colin, this *
has nothing to do wi' me ...I'm just *
mindin' my own business ... I'm just
'aving a break - `Aving a kit kat!
CUT TO
69 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 69
All in the room...'normal! Again...MAL snaps a piece of
chocolate off a bar and hands it to ARCHIE...
ARCHIE
(To Meredith)
They ain't lookin' for a gardener at
this place by any chance, are they?
MAL *
I don't think you'd like that job.
Don't think you'd be interested in
that particular post.
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 78C.
69 CONTINUED: 69
ARCHIE
Why's that?
MEREDITH
Gardener fucks the maid!
ARCHIE
Sounds alright!
MEREDITH
You ain't seen the maid!
ARCHIE
Be alright, I'll be wearin' muddy
gloves!
They all laugh... *
COLIN *
What about me? *
MEREDITH smiles... Eventually looks at COLIN. *
MEREDITH *
You? Well, Colin, since you ask... *
you're the thing in the basement... *
with the hood on... ain't he Peanut? *
OMP *
Eh? *
CUT TO
70 INT NARROW STONE STAIRCASE LEADING TO DUNGEON NIGHT 70
We are at the foot of the stairs ... can hear footsteps
descending ... and now OLD MAN PEANUT appears ... carrying
a battered old suitcase ... he opens the heavy, wooden,
studded, creaking, dungeon door and enters ... we see a
figure, trussed up in bin bags and with an old Tesco bag on
its head hanging from a meat-hook ... it struggles...OLD
MAN PEANUT slams down the case ... opens it ... inside a
jumbled variety of rusty tools /gadgets/ implements....
from the tangled hardware he manages to extract a thick,
rusty file ... an ancient heavy plane...a mallet-and a six
inch nail ... uttering to himself...
OMP
This is gonna 'urt you much more than
its gonna'urt me!... I feel for ya, I
really don't... (turns and addresses
the hanging figure). You're mincemeat,
mate! - 'Mincemeat!
CUT TO:
78D.
71 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 71
All in the room...COLIN on his feet. his blood up...
COLIN
I am gonna kill `im, Liz - and I'm glad
you're here to see it! ... To see the man
you said `I do' to, defend his honour!
I'm gonna kill `im... like the beast you
think I am!
ARCHIE
Go on, son, fill yer boots!
OMP
'Bout fuckin' time!
COLIN
'Throttle 'im! Kick his sorry arse from
here t o Sun day! (HE I S LOO MING OVER
LOVERBOY, THREATENINGLY, FISTS CLENCHED)
... Tell me you don't love me, Liz...
LIZ
I don't love you.
COLIN
Break 'is fuckin' neck!... (TO LIZ) Come
on, I can take it! Say it!! - Say you
don't love me!...
LIZ
I don't love you.
COLIN
(Shocked. Rocked)
Don't say that! ... What did you say?
ARCHIE
She don't love you, Col.
OMP
'ow 'urtfull
MEREDITH
He's a masherkist!
COLIN
(To Liz. Devastated)
... You don't love me?
She stares at him...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 79.
71 CONTINUED: 71
COLIN (CONT'D)
... Not even a little bit?
She stares at him...
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Intimate. Tender)
You were my Queen. You were my rock ... I
can't - I wish - Wish I could tell you -
I wish - wish you could feel how much -
how very very very much - how very much I
- I - I'd lay down and die for you! - If
that would get you back, that's what I'd
do! -- Oh, that sounds stupid doesn't it?!
But you know what I mean... I mean... Id cut
both my arms off if I could hold you one
last t ime -- oh, that' s mad an' all,
innit!... I love you -- `S as simple as
that! -- Or as complicated! -- whichever it
is -- I'm not sure -- I wish I knew -- I
wish you `adn't've done this, Liz... I
really wish you `adn't've done this!... I
just wish that we --
At this moment LOVERBOY shifts ever so slightly in his chair
to ease his discomfort... COLIN flips...
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Apoplectic)
FUCKIN' SHUTUP YOU CUNT !!!... I'LL
PULL YOUR FUCKIN' ARSEHOLE OUT IN A
MI N U T E ! ! ! (Turns back to Liz,
immediately loving again)... That we --
(trails off)... I love you, Liz... I just
need you to understand -- that I love
you!... (Getting desperate)... I'm a good
bloke, Liz! -- A really good bloke!...
(she is staring at him)... Liz, please
-- you gotta give me somethin'...
so me th i n' ... p le as e... I d es er ve
somethin'... Twenty one years is a long
-- that's a lotta life -- to dedicate --
surely -- please... Liz... somethin'...
LIZ staring at him...
LIZ
... Help me.
COLIN
(Taken aback)
Wha'?
LIZ
Help me.
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 80.
71 CONTINUED: (2) 71
COLIN staring at her...
CUT TO
72 EXT GRASS VERGE BESIDE ELEVATED MOTORWAY NIGHT 72
A car has parked on the motorway... It's door ajar... The DRIVER
is hurriedly/scrambling down the muddy grass verge... Towards
the body of LIZ... She turns her head slowly and with great
difficulty towards him...
LIZ
(Faintly)
Help me...
CUT TO
73 INT KITCHEN/HALLWAY/LOUNGE DETACHED SUBURBAN VILLA NIGHT 73
Chaos... Violence... Terror... Screaming... LIZ, battered, scrambling
around on the kitchen floor... COLIN, mad, grabbing a knife...
After her... On her... Screaming in her face... Insane... With
rage... Fighting... Struggling... LIZ somehow managing to squeeze
through the kitchen door... COLIN after her like a fiend... Her
going down again... Him stamping on her... Kicking... Booting... Like
she's the worst dog in the world... Horrific... Horrendous...
Horrible... He's going to kill her... A howling, wounded beast...
he r la s t ve st i ge o f s tr en gt h ... F o rc in g h er se lf up ...
Running/scrambling in absolute terror... Through the lounge...
Banging off walls and furniture... And still he's in pursuit...
Her life's going to end here... She takes her chances... Runs at
it... To get away... runs at it... Running at the window...
Straight at the window... And crashing through... And down... And
COLIN shocked... And can't believe it... and horrified... And
brought closer to his senses... Him going to it... going to the
shattered window... A weak man... Trembling... And frightened...
And holding onto the window frame to stay upright... And
looking out... And down... And seeing her getting up and
struggling... And limping... And broken... And bleeding... And
running away... Running away... Fleeing... From him... From the
monster at the window... From COLIN...
COLIN
(Shell-shocked. Distraught.
Pathetic)
Liz... I'm sorry... Let's talk... (She *
has gone into the night)... I love you,
Liz!... I love you... ... Liz... Liz, it's *
rainin'... (Sobbing and sobbing and *
sobbing
CUT TO
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 81.
74 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 74
We are on COLIN's face... His heartbroken face... Awash with
tears... Real tears... Tears for her... For LIZ... We pull back
slowly and see COLIN on the floor by LOVERBOY's chair...
Holding on to LOVERBOY's knees/legs... Desperately holding on...
LOVERBOY looking down on him... LOVERBOY's bruised, beaten
face loo kin g do wn on h is `tor tur er'... B ut w ith gre at
compassion... With huge feeling... His own eyes filling with
tears... And COLIN holding on... And sobbing and sobbing and
sobbing... C/U on LOVERBOY's bruised and bloody hand as it
hangs limp by his side... Slowly, painfully, it begins to
move... To reach out... Inches closer to poor COLIN... Gently,
soft ly, ten der ly LOVE RBOY pla ces his hand on COLI N's
anguished head... So softly... So gently...
CUT TO
75 INT HALLWAY DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 75
MAL, MEREDITH, ARCHIE and OLD MAN PEANUT waiting in the hall...
ARCHIE
...Massive, it was... massive `ead! -- Size
of it! -- Like a melon! Like a pumpkin!
Grotesque! `Uge!... Well it wasn't so much
`is `ead -- it was `is face!... It was just
abnormally big -- An abnormality!... Like
th e b o ne st r uc t ur e w a s o ut `e r e --
(indicates with his hands) Rhinoceroussy
-- `ad grown out of all proportion to the
rest of `im... Coz `is skull -- the skull
itself -- the top -- it was in actuality
quite small -- not much bigger than a
co co n ut -- so r t o f po i nt y a n' al l ...
Coroner's report said he'd never seen
anythin' like it!... They thought they'd
found the missin' link!
MAL
Sounds fuckin' `orrible!
ARCHIE
Well, apparently not... women liked `im! --
Dunno if he got any -- but seemingly he
was quite the thing... Supposedly a right
laugh. `Ad a sense of humour -- well
you'd `ave to `ave really, wouldn't ya?!
MEREDITH
... An' this chap was a good dancer?
ARCHIE
`S wha t the y sai d -- n ifty! Reg ular
twinkletoes! A right Gene Kelly!... Sad
tho' -- top yourself like that... Over a
cat.
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 82.
75 CONTINUED: 75
MAL
... He must've loved it.
ARCHIE
Well a nimal s don 't di scrim inate , do
they?... To the cat, he was beautiful!
MAL
Did they bury them together?
ARCHIE
Now that I don't know... Be nice if they *
`ad... But it's all red tape, innit --
depends on the different by-laws...
MAL
...And what borough you live in!
They sit in silence... Eventually...
MAL (CONT'D)
(Rising)
...Well, come on then... this won't get the
washing done!
ARCHIE
Yeah, he's `ad long enough!
OMP
What's the pillock doin'?!
MEREDITH
(Jumping down from the piano)
My arse has gone to sleep!
ARCHIE
The ol' numb-bum?
MAL
(his ear t o the liv ing r oom
door)
...It's all gone a bit quiet in there...
ARCHIE
Whadya reckon?
MAL
Let's go in... fuck it!
OMP
`Ope to Christ he's done somethin'!
MEREDITH
Don't hold your breath!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 83.
75 CONTINUED: (2) 75
They enter the room...
CUT TO
76 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 76
The men file in... COLIN sits in one of the armchairs... LOVERBOY
sits with his head bowed...
MAL
What's been `appenin' then?
ARCHIE
We any further forward?
MAL
He's still with us I see...
ARCHIE
(Going to the cardboard box)
I'm `aving a beer... Who wants one?
MAL
Ill `ave one.
OMP
Nothin g's h appen ed! -- Why' s not hing
happened?! -- Don't you want your pound of
flesh?
ARCHIE
(Opening a can)
It's not looking like it!
OMP
Lord love a duck!... Fuck this!... I give
up!... Streuth! (sits)... Fucking baby!
Milksop!
MEREDITH
Had any thoughts, Col?
COLIN does not reply...
MAL
Col?
COLIN
...Eh?
ARCHIE
`Ad any thoughts?
COLIN
Thoughts?
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 84.
76 CONTINUED: 76
MAL
Yeah, thoughts!
COLIN
...One or two...
MEREDITH
Oh, yeah?... Like what?
COLIN
I'm letting him go.
OMP
Do what?!... You ain't!!
COLIN
It's my decision... That's my decision...
It's what I've decided.
OMP
Cobblers!
COLIN
Maybe.
OMP
Poppycock!
ARCHIE
No, it's his call!... It's your Col' call... *
`Col call'! -- `ark at me! -- I'm tired! *
MEREDITH
Lightweight!
ARCHIE
... Well an' truly cream crackered!
MAL
...So what are we saying'?... He's walkin'?...
COLIN
Yeah... He's free to go.
OMP
"Free to go"! "Free to go"!!... Why don't
you give `im a kiss goodnight as well,
while you're at it!... Let's `ave a whip-
round for the cunt!... I can hear Brighton
Billy spinnin' in his fuckin' grave!...
"Free to go"!!
ARCHIE
(Nudgi ng MA L, in dicat ing
LOVERBOY)
`Ere, he's listenin'... His ears are out on
stalks... He can't believe it!
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 85.
76 CONTINUED: (2) 76
MAL
It's not too late to change your mind,
Col!... Think about it... I'll do it for you
if you like... Freebie!
COLIN smiles...
MEREDITH
...And Liz... wherever she is... what about
her?... She free?
COLIN dips his head... bites his lip... sadly nods...
MEREDITH (CONT'D)
...Well, that's that then!
ARCHIE
He's a very lucky boy!... (To LOVERBOY )
You're a very lucky boy!... He fucking is!...
Very fortunate!
MAL
Well come on then... Do the honours, Col...
It's your party... Some of us `ave got
homes to go to!
OMP
I'm really upset about this!
Pause... COLIN stares at LOVERBOY... Stares... Stares... Then slowly
looks away... Eventually...
COLIN
You're free to go, mate.
LOVERBOY does not move... pause...
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Not looking at him)
You're free to go, mate.
LO VE R BO Y s hi ft s i n hi s s ea t ... OL D M AN P E AN UT s n or ts
derisively...
COLIN (CONT'D)
(Looks at Loverboy)
Go on...
LOVERBOY, with great difficulty, gets to his feet...
ARCHIE
Attaboy!
MAL
`S he finding his land-legs?
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 86.
76 CONTINUED: (3) 76
LOVERBOY struggles to walk... Shuffles on painful legs... The
black plastic bin bags trail around him...
MAL (CONT'D)
In your own time!
LOVERBOY, very slowly, begins to cross the room... But he is
not heading for the door... He is heading towards ARCHIE...
ARCHIE
What's this... The fuckin' Mummy?!
The men chuckle... LOVERBOY reaches ARCHIE and with extreme
gratitude he takes ARCHIE's hand...
MAL
Oh, he likes you! You're his favourite!
ARCHIE
(Ligh tly shak ing LOVERB OY's
hand)
Yeah, alright, mate... now fuck off `fore I
give you another slap!... Door's there,
look!...
LOVERBOY shuffles to the door...
MAL
Mind how you go!
OMP
`Ere you!...
LOVERBOY stops...
OMP (CONT'D)
Look at me...
LOVERBOY turns...
OMP (CONT'D)
Don't you go blabbing off, now, will ya?
LOVERBOY slowly shakes his head...
OMP (CONT'D)
Good boy... Now get out of my sight you
piece of shit!
LOVERBOY goes...
MAL
Close the door behind you!
Pause... Slowly the door is closed... The men sit in silence...
Eventually...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 87.
76 CONTINUED: (4) 76
MEREDITH
....So, Kittens, what're we up to?
MAL
Dunno... What you doin'?
MEREDITH
Me an' Peanut are off to The Clayton,
ain't we Pop?
OMP
Yerrr!
MEREDITH
You might like it.... Never know!
Slight pause...
OMP
D'they do grub there? I'm ready for my *
breakfast. *
MEREDITH
Do what you want.... Y'comin'?
OMP
...Yeah... why not?... Be an eye opener, won't
it?
ARCHIE
(Crushing his empty beer can)
...Right , we f or the off then? (To
MAL)... You want droppin' off?
MAL
Yeah... you stoppin' off for one?
ARCHIE
If you like!... Colin?
COLIN
(Deep in thought)
... I might catch you later, Arch... (to
the men)... I just wanna say.... Thanks...
ARCHIE
Ah, shutup! We'll be in the Old Bamboo
if you fancy one... Right, we're off then...
Cheerio!
The men all leave... We hear the front door closing... COLIN
sits there... Alone in the room... Sits there... *
He slowly gets up... Slowly puts his raincoat on... Goes to *
the door... Stops... Does not turn... We are on his back... His
head bowed...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 88.
76 CONTINUED: (5) 76
He goes...
We take in the empty room... See the open wardrobe... hear
the front door open...
CUT TO:
77 INT LOUD RED SPACE 77
OLD MAN PEANUT squaring up to use... Super-aggressive... Hyper-
cantankerous... Ultra-mean
OMP
(Direct to camera)
Two years later I was dead... I passed
away in the small hours in a nursing
`ome in Slough, with a drip in me arm,
me gnashers in a mug by the bed and me
boots most definitely on!... I'd done
me hip in the spring and couldn't cope
with meself no more at `ome, if you
must know... I died in a `orrible
fuckin' room they'd give me in the
midst of a bunch of doddery, decrepit,
dribbling old mongs!... Come the time,
this dragon-witch-bitch of a nurse,
arsked me if I wanted a fuckin'
priest?! To make my peace!... I arsk
you!!... I told `em where to get off!...
Told `em all to fuck off out of it and
leave me to meet my maker on my Jack
Todd!... I lay on my pit like a scabby *
baby and waited for it... waited for
it... waited for it to come... and get
me! It came alright... The Reaper
came, alright... in the middle of the
fucking night -- Like a burglar -- Like
a worry... I opened my milky mince's
and saw... saw Death... The ugly brute
of it... It's black mouth... it's cocky
eyes... `ungry like the wolf... for me!...
My time was up! I was wanted!...
"I'll break you", it said... "I'll
fucking' break you!"... I stared at it...
hissed at it... spat at it... I raised
myself up from the stainy cot with my
weak, bony arm... got myself in a proud
position -- my spine ramrod straight...
It was reaching for me... grabbing at
me... laughing at me... "FUCK YOU!", I
said... `FUUUCCKK YOOUU!!!!!"
CUT TO
89.
78 INT PURPLE SPACE 78
MEREDITH
(Direct to camera)
I've got a new boyfriend... I haven't
had a steady in years... He's black,
aged 21, beautiful... Works in the
city... Ray!... I love that name... Ray!...
Met him in a sauna... he looked at me --
I looked at him -- He looked at me...
that sort of thing. Just clicked... Got
talking... Learnt one or two things
about each other... he can't swim -- I
like cars, so on and so forth... Took
it from there... We've been together
three weeks now... Play it by ear...
(pause)... Yesterday... he went off to
work... I fancied a stroll... `opped on a
bus... Hyde Park and I'm walkin'...
Serpentine... Past the ducks... I see this
rowing boat... man rowin',.. He turns...
looks at me... still rowin'... It's him...
It's Ray... The boyfriend... We don't
acknowledge each other... and I just
carry on walking... (pause)... Is he a
liar or shouldn't I have been there?...
What d'you reckon?... I know what I
think!
CUT TO
79 INT AN AZURE BLUE SPACE 79
ARCHIE
(Direct to camera)
...I've met someone... Her names `Azel!...
I was a bit nervous at first... fear of
the unknown I s'pose... well you get set
in your ways, don't ya... anyway, I like
`er... like `er a lot- `s a nice feelin'
-- an' she says she likes me an'' all!
-- So you never know -- watch this
space!... And Mum an' her? -- Do they
get on?
He looks over his right shoulder... His POV...
Pink Revised 21st May 2008 90.
79 CONTINUED: 79
A vignette of his MUM and HAZEL (50) sitting on an old
sofa, drinking tea and chatting happily... Behind them on a
floral wallpapered wall is a painting -- Spanish/Woolworth's
style... Carmenesque... A wounded 18th Century soldier is
slumped in a chair being tended to by a wild, exotic,
gypsy, flamenco-type woman... Nearby, standing alarmed,
humiliated and cuckolded wearing a white frilly, puffy-
sleeved shirt, red breeches with a gold stripe, black
boots, is the shocked faced husband... These three
characters bearing an uncanny resemblance to guess who?...
C/U on ARCHIE as he turns back to look at us... (the vignette
has gone)...
ARCHIE (CONT'D)
(proud)
...They get on brilliantly!!... I'm
taking them to Ikea this afternoon...
(raises his eyebrows. Intimate with
us). Say a prayer for me!
CUT TO
80 INT MONOCHROME SPACE... GRAINY... SHADOWY... 80
We can just see part of MAL... His face half in shadow... He
is looking at us... Edgy... Defensive... Dodgy... He slips into the
shadows... Is gone...
CUT TO
81 INT ROOM IN DERELICT HOUSE NIGHT 81 *
CUT *
82 EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOUSE. 82
COLIN emerges onto the street... Closes the door behind
him... We move in on his brave/sad face as he gazes up at
the old, bluey, London sky, and says to Liz's spirit...
COLIN
(Humbled. Accepting. Very
quiet)
Be lucky, Liz.
Slowly he begins to walk the wet street... Away from us...
Towards his new life...
THE END
