30 MINUTES OR LESS
Written by
Michael Diliberti & Matthew Sullivan
12-11-09
The following is very loosely based on some shit that actually
happened...
OVER BLACK
We hear the roar of a V8 engine, piped out through some
throaty, fucked up muffler, as
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
An '89 Mustang bursts like a shot over a rise in the highway.
It's got a rusted two-tone paint job, Maryland plates, and
bald tires that scream as it peels off an exit and into the
EXT. SUBURBS - DAY
The car fast approaches a stop sign, dangerously blows through
the intersection.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
We don't see the DRIVER, only the redlining RPMs, Vans slip-
ons working the pedals, wristwatch being checked. The wheel
cranks right as the car turns onto a -
One way street. A minivan flies right at us. The Mustang
hops up onto the curb to avoid it, clips a trash can and -
Garbage explodes like confetti. The wipers engage, brushing
the trash aside. The car whips another turn and
EXT. SUBURBS - DAY
The Mustang fishtails around a corner and skids away.
CUT TO:
TIRES SCREECH
Brake pads smoke. The Mustang stops outside
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
The Driver jumps out of the car. As he rushes to the front
door, we see the urgent package he is delivering.
TWO LARGE PIZZAS
Before he can ring the bell, the door opens and two smug 15-
YEAR-OLDS stare out.
15-YEAR-OLD
That's 34 minutes. You're 4 minutes
late. Pizza's free.
REVEAL our guy staring back at the kids. This is WILL (25),
probably good looking in another life.
2.
Right now, he is tired and unamused, wearing a red "Giorgio's
Trattoria" hat and a sweaty matching t-shirt.
WILL
Gimme a break. You guys live two
towns away. It's pretty much fucking
impossible to get here in 30 minutes.
OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD
Exactly. That's why we ordered from
your shitty "trattoria."
WILL
This is gonna come out of my paycheck.
You sure you don't want to take the
moral high ground?
OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD
We'd rather take the pizzas.
Will takes a calming breath. Hands over the pizzas.
WILL
Ok. You guys are pretty smart. You
figured out a way to beat the system.
(PEEKS INSIDE)
Got the house to yourselves?
15-YEAR-OLD
That's right.
WILL
Not bad. Any jailbait in there?
Little pizza and a rainbow party?
The kids shakes their heads.
WILL
Seriously? Well, two hustlers like
yourselves gotta have the place
stocked with beer and whippits and
shit, right? Just call the girls up
and let them know the party's on.
15-YEAR-OLD
Man, we don't have any of that stuff.
Will makes a show of mulling this over.
WILL
I really shouldn't do this...but you
seem like a couple of good dudes.
I'll tell you what, you give me the
money that your mom left you for the
pizzas, and I'll grab you some beers.
(MORE)
3.
WILL (CONT'D)
(BEAT)
But I get to keep the change as a
tip. Deal?
The kids look at each other. One hesitantly pulls out some
cash. Will snatches it and heads off.
WILL
I'll see you in like 20 minutes.
The kids look uncertain. As if sensing this, Will stops
before getting into his ride.
WILL
You boys like Budweiser, right?
15-YEAR-OLD
Uh, yeah, totally.
OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD
Love that shit!
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
The sun sets. Will cruises back into his own middle-class
town in suburban Maryland.
A six pack of Budweiser rests in the passenger seat.
Will stops at a light. Checks out a PRETTY YOUNG THING in
the Jeep beside him. She catches him looking, rolls her
eyes. The light turns and the Jeep skids away.
Will self consciously removes his "Giorgio's" cap.
INT. GIORGIO'S TRATTORIA - NIGHT
Will enters and nods at CHRISTOPHER (40s), the manager. His
balding head is nearly translucent from absorbing a day's
worth of pizza grease.
WILL
Yo, Chris. Let me cash the fuck out.
Will hands over some cash to Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER
You have a pretty good shift?
WILL
For sure. I mean, the part where I
had to drop off all those pizzas
kinda sucked, but the rest was cool.
4.
CHRISTOPHER
Oh, yeah? 'Cause, I got some kids
calling in saying you ripped them off.
Promised to buy them beer or something.
WILL
I actually did buy the beer, but it
would have been illegal to give it
to them, right? So I'm gonna do the
responsible thing and drink it myself.
CHRISTOPHER
That's real funny. But I'm trying
to run a business here.
WILL
What kind of business promises to
deliver anywhere in 30 minutes?
It's ridiculous.
CHRISTOPHER
I don't wanna hear another one of
your bullshit excuses. You're fired.
WILL
Come on. If I didn't need this job,
I wouldn't be doing this shitty job.
Chris is unmoving.
WILL
Fuck! Whatever!
Will storms off. As he gets to the door -
CHRISTOPHER
You know, you were an okay driver
half the time. And you're not a Puerto
Rican. Which means something to me.
WILL
That's poignant.
CHRISTOPHER
I guess I could rehire you, on a
provisional basis. Of course, this
would be at the slightly reduced
"new company rate."
WILL
Are you fucking serious?
CHRISTOPHER
I don't know. Is there anyone else
left in town for you to work for?
5.
Will shakes his head. Swallows what's left of his pride.
WILL
When do I start?
EXT. SMALL APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Will sits on the darkened front stoop. He tosses an empty
can into the bushes and gets to work on his fourth beer.
He looks over at a parked Hyundai Elantra. A YOUNG MAN sits
in the passenger seat with a pensive look on his face. He
makes a sudden, surprised gasp. The homely YOUNG WOMAN who
was just blowing him sits up from his lap and rearranges
herself in the driver seat. She leans over for a goodbye
kiss. The Young Man obliges with much fanfare.
The Young Man gets out and the car pulls away. This is CHET
(25), a clean cut guy dressed in the Gap Premium Collection.
He heads toward the building, high off his BJ, humming
Outkast's "Ms. Jackson." He stops when he notices Will in
the shadows.
CHET
What the hell? Have you just been
sitting there?
WILL
Yep. Caught the whole show. Really
classy move at the end. You know,
the kiss. Putting your tongue in
her mouth right after you fucked it.
CHET
Hey, a nice girl decides to pleasure
me on a weeknight, in her car no
less...I'm not gonna make her feel
like an untouchable. I'm gonna make
her feel like a lady.
WILL
What manners. May I offer you some
alcohol, sir. To wash the taste of
yourself out of your mouth.
Will offers his beer. Chet takes a slug, gurgles for effect.
CHET
By the way, she said she had a friend.
Maybe we can go on our first double
date since you tried to talk Jackie
Fortunato and her cousin into having
a four-way with us.
WILL
I misread their body language. It
happens.
6.
Will picks up some rented movies sitting beside him.
WILL
Come on. Let's go inside, drink
your beer and watch shit get crazy.
(FANS MOVIES)
Old favorites. You choose. Lethal
Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2...was gonna
get the third Lethal Weapon, but
decided on a porn. So it's really
between the first two.
CHET
I choose sleep. I gotta teach a
class at eight.
WILL
You're a sub. Just call in sick.
Like the real teacher did.
CHET
Come on, man, you know I got promoted
to full-time last month. You bought
me a laser pointer.
Will heaves a sigh.
WILL
Yeah, I know. I guess I'm just having
a hard time accepting you as "the
man." You know, flunking kids, giving
out spite detentions to girls you
wanna fuck, laser pointing at shit.
CHET
I also get healthcare and my summers
off. It's not perfect, but it's a
career.
Will grudgingly stands up.
WILL
I guess that's just the difference
between you and me.
He holds up the Lethal Weapon DVDs.
WILL
I'm like Riggs. Cruising the streets.
No rules, no attachments. Every
other day some asshole is trying to
take my badge. You're fucking
Murtaugh. Always worried about your
pension. Well, guess what, it gets
old after the first movie.
7.
CHET
I just got head. I'm totally Riggs.
Will shakes his head, turns and walks off.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY
Will wakes up, legs dangling over the edge of a tiny couch.
His TV is still on, displaying the menu screen from a porn.
Will looks down at his coffee table. Clears some magazines
to reveal a file folder. Flips the cover -
It's full of college applications, drafts of admissions essays,
a junior college transcript. Will thumbs through one of the
glossy applications. The kids look young. Very young.
Will glances over at a picture on his wall: he and Chet at
high school graduation, looking just as young. They have
their arms around a pretty girl squeezed between them. Will
and the girl look very high and very happy.
Will shuts the folder, slides it back under the coffee table
debris. He looks over at a clock: it is already 2:00 PM.
WILL
Fuck.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY
Will jumps in and starts the engine. As he tucks his
"Giorgio's" cap onto his head, he catches his reflection in
the rear-view mirror.
WILL
You asshole. You titanic asshole.
Come on down and get your prize.
He makes his fingers into a gun, puts it to his head...pulls
the trigger and
BOOM!
WE'RE IN
EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY
A watermelon explodes in a shower of red, juicy bits. Loud,
dumb laughter echoes.
Standing 20 yards away is DWAYNE (32), an intense, meaty guy
in a sleeveless Baltimore Ravens t-shirt. On his left bicep
is a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil flipping the bird.
DWAYNE
Fruit motherfuckin' salad!
8.
Crouched beside him is JAY (27), tall and awkward, in a wool
surplus cap. He carefully rigs homemade explosives to another
watermelon, then looks up at Dwayne. His eyes are magnified
into saucers by his thick glasses. There's a peculiar
eagerness to please in them.
JAY
This one's gonna blow even bigger.
DWAYNE
Boy, if you weren't such a skinny
little bitch you coulda been in the
military or something.
JAY
Whatever. I don't need the military.
I taught myself how to do this shit.
DWAYNE
I hear that. I taught myself how to
eat pussy. And cut my own hair.
Jay jogs the watermelon a safe distance away. He returns
and pulls out a detonator. Dwayne snatches it.
DWAYNE
This one's all me.
(makes "radio" sounds)
Mr. President, we have enemies at
the gate. Give me the order.
(more "radio" sounds)
Fuck that, sir. I don't negotiate
with terrorists!
Dwayne presses a button and
BOOM!
The explosion is so powerful that it sprinkles our guys'
smiling faces with fruit juice.
INT. KITCHEN, NICE HOUSE - DAY
Large and early-90s chic. Dwayne and Jay have the fridge
open, fixing themselves a cold cut plate. Dwayne is debating
the amount of meat on the plate...adds some more.
DWAYNE
Wanna make sure I get enough calories.
JAY
I thought you wanted to get diesel
for the summer. Bang that towel
girl at the community pool.
9.
DWAYNE
It's obvious you don't know shit-all
about physical fitness. You gotta
bulk up first, then you slim down.
I'm clearly in the bulk up phase. I
told you to watch Pumping Iron like
a month ago. If you'd listened to
me, maybe you'd know what the fuck
I'm talking about.
(BEAT)
Grab some RC Cola.
INT. LIVING ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY
The shades are drawn. We hear a girl scream bloody murder!
The guys are watching FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3...in 3D. They
both wear cheap cardboard glasses.
Jay jumps back as Jason wields a 3D ax.
JAY
Shit, man! It's so real!
Dwayne reaches out, "touching" the 3D images. He stands and
starts humping the air.
DWAYNE
Check it out. I ain't afraid of
Jason. I'm fucking him.
(THRUSTING HARDER)
You like that, Jason!? In the mask!
Jay cracks up. The lights flick on.
GRIZZLED VOICE (O.S.)
Who are you two fags fucking?
Standing by the switch is Dwayne's dad, JERRY (70s). Most
people just call him "THE MAJOR." The faded USMC tattoo on
his thick forearm explains why.
JAY
Afternoon, Major.
Dwayne flops back onto the couch.
DWAYNE
Dad, we're watching a flick. We got
45 minutes and a potential 3D sex
scene left. You're sorta coming in
at the worst possible moment.
10.
MAJOR
I bought that TV set so I could watch
my programs, not so you and your
friend could louse up my couch.
DWAYNE
You gotta learn how to share the
common space.
MAJOR
The only thing common in this house
is you. You remind me of your damn
mother. Fat, dumb, and in my way.
The Major grabs Dwayne and pulls him up off the couch. He
gets right in his face...scary, intense. Dwayne turns to Jay.
DWAYNE
Let's get outta here. This movie
sucks anyway.
Jay gets up and files out the door. Dwayne goes to take the
cold cut plate. The Major grabs his arm.
MAJOR
I paid for the damn cold cuts, too.
Maybe if you had a job, or a fucking
prospect, or a clue how to find any
of the above, I'd let you eat 'em.
DWAYNE
(QUIETLY)
You know, you can be a real
sonofabitch, dad.
MAJOR
That's what it takes, boy. In the
Corps, men like you wore dresses to
keep us entertained.
DWAYNE
That's pretty fucking disturbing!
Dwayne storms off.
EXT. NICE HOUSE - DAY
Dwayne and Jay head out, passing a brand new pickup truck in
the driveway. Dwayne spits on it.
DWAYNE
Fuck The Major!
The guys get in a shitty Ford Aerostar minivan and peel out.
11.
INT. DIVE STRIP CLUB - DAY
R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)" pumps.
Large, fake breasts, sparkling with cheap body glitter and
pierced at the nipples, shake before us. Their owner, JUICY
(27), a petite Latina, phones in a lap dance as Dwayne pours
his heart out to her.
Somewhere in the background, Jay hangs at the bar, all alone.
DWAYNE
- and he thinks he knows me. He
don't know shit. I got ideas he
could never dream of. I got plans
bigger than his fucking house.
(BEAT)
He didn't even raise me. My mother
did. That was a good woman.
JUICY
Oh yeah? What happened to her?
Dwayne shifts, uncomfortably, at the sore subject.
DWAYNE
She passed on.
JUICY
I hope you're not one of those guys
that comes here looking to get
mothered.
DWAYNE
I wouldn't mind nursing on them
titties, mamacita.
JUICY
Sure. Whatever you say. Maybe just
keep quiet for a while, forget about
your old man and let me do my thing.
DWAYNE
I wish I could forget about that
asshole for good. I'm just waiting
around for him to drop dead. Don't
wanna mess with my inheritance.
This piques Juicy's interest.
JUICY
What kinda inheritance?
12.
DWAYNE
When my dad got outta the service, he
started buying lotto tickets. He'd
play his dog tag numbers. In '91,
the fucker won five million bucks.
INSERT PHOTO: The Major holding a giant cardboard check.
DWAYNE
He had some health problems a few
years back, and since then he's been
burning through the money like an
NBA draft pick. Probably only got a
million or two left. But it's mine
as soon as he kicks.
Behind inch-long fake eyelashes, Juicy's shrewd eyes narrow,
mind working. She straddles Dwayne, tightly.
JUICY
You know, with a million bucks, you
could have anything. Be like a king.
(almost a moan)
King Dwayne.
DWAYNE
That's right. And maybe I'll make
you my queen. Let you polish my
royal scepter.
JUICY
Practice makes perfect.
Juicy pantomimes a long, slow chicken head. Dwayne is blissed
out. She smiles at him, sticky sweet.
JUICY
Let me ask you a question...do you
really hate your daddy?
DWAYNE
Hate him like the Steelers.
JUICY
Then maybe I can help you get that
money now. Before he spends another
penny.
Dwayne looks confused. Juicy puts his hands on her breasts,
emboldening him.
JUICY
I know a guy in Baltimore. He could
help you out. Probably do it for...
(sizing him up)
...100Gs.
13.
DWAYNE
Do what?
Juicy leans in, whispers softly in Dwayne's ear -
JUICY
Kill your mean old dad.
On Dwayne's face as this new possibility pinballs around his
mind, setting off a flood of different emotions.
JUICY
So, what do you think...you ready
for your crown?
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING
Will has one pizza left in the back of his car. He pulls
over outside an office building.
INT. LAW FIRM, OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT
Rows of cubicles. Speckled with late night STRAGGLERS, bleary
eyes, too busy generating detailed lists of places they'd
rather be to notice the pizza boy walking along. Will stops
before one such work station, looks on for a beat.
WILL
Rio?
KATE (25) turns from the glow of her computer screen. She
has short, messy hair and a sarcastic smile. This is the
girl from the picture in Will's apartment.
KATE
That's the plan. Five days, six
nights. Culture. Beaches.
Acceptable probability of kidnapping.
I leave in the morning.
Kate looks back at her computer, logged onto an Expedia
checkout page for a Rio vacation. She moves the mouse pointer
from the "proceed" key...closes the window.
KATE
This morning I loaded up an African
Safari and a cruise to Alaska.
WILL
Oh, the places you'll go.
KATE
Fuck Expedia. Travel Advisor. Making
it seem so easy.
14.
WILL
It is. Just do it. Get away for a
while.
KATE
Even if I could afford that...they
fired two other paralegals last week.
Now's not the time to be putting in
for vacation days.
WILL
Ok. Done. I've got my dose of the
actual working world. Can we eat?
Will lays a pizza down on her desk.
KATE
How do you keep sneaking up here
past the security guard?
WILL
He's there like half the time. The
other half I smile at him. I'm
relatively certain he's a homosexual.
KATE
Interesting theory...
Kate opens the pizza box, grabs a slice.
KATE
Maybe I should set him up with Tom
Small. He came out to me today on
Facebook.
WILL
That kid beat the hell out of me and
Chet in grammar school. Wow.
KATE
Tell me about it. He fingered me at
junior prom while they were playing
"No Scrubs."
WILL
(WINCES)
Really? What a fucking scrub.
Will grabs a slice. They eat quietly for a beat.
KATE
So, I've got some news...
15.
WILL
I thought the Tom Small stuff was
enough of a headline, but go ahead.
KATE
I'm getting back together with Mark.
Will's delicious pizza suddenly tastes like shit. He does
his best to swallow it down.
WILL
But you...you broke up with
him...ended the relationship.
Finality was had.
KATE
Yeah, but we were talking and -
WILL
Forget it. I don't want to know.
KATE
You sound like Chet.
WILL
Woah, don't compare me to your
brother.
KATE
Well, neither one of you seems to
care that I don't have a life. Mark's
not perfect...but a relationship is
better than working late every Friday
because I have nowhere else to be.
WILL
Sure. I get it. Here we are. Friday
night. Nowhere to be.
Kate shoves Will, good-naturedly.
KATE
You know what I mean.
Will shrugs, quietly devastated. Goes back to his pizza.
INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT
Most of the PATRONS are fixated on an Orioles game blaring
from a large flat-screen TV.
At a booth in back, Dwayne and Jay are in deep conversation.
16.
JAY
I don't wanna stick my nose into a
family matter...but killing your old
man? That's pretty messed up...I
mean, unless you think it isn't.
DWAYNE
What we have here is a classic "lesser
of two evils" debate. You got one
evil: me shaving a few years off The
Major's shitty life. Then you got
the other evil: The Major ruining my
entire awesome life by blowing through
my inheritance. Maybe I'm biased,
but mine sure as shit seems like the
lesser.
JAY
I guess I...sorta see where you're
coming from. And you have been
waiting around forever for that money.
You deserve it, Dwayne.
Dwayne nods, seriously.
DWAYNE
You know, there's a reason I sleep
'til noon everyday. And it ain't
'cause I'm lazy. It's on account of
me having so many goddamn dreams.
Big ones. And once that money's
mine, they're all gonna come true.
Dwayne takes a long sip of beer, contemplative.
DWAYNE
Like I had this one dream last night.
I was cruising through town in a
Lamborghini Diablo. The wind was
blowing through my hair, ruffling my
open shirt. There was a hot little
piece of ass sitting next to me. And
in the back seat, Jay...was you.
Strapped. Wearing a pair of Oakleys.
JAY
Wow. I didn't know you dreamt about
me, Dwayne.
DWAYNE
It was only this once, Jay. To be
honest, I didn't know what to make
of it. So I consulted my dream book,
and found out it means this: you're
my road dog. You got my back.
(MORE)
17.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
That's why I want to make you my
partner.
JAY
In what?
DWAYNE
In crime. And business. You see, it
ain't just about the inheritance money.
It's about what I'm gonna do with it.
Dwayne leans across the table.
DWAYNE
I'm about to clue you in on something.
And then you'll understand the true
magnitude of what's at stake here.
Are you ready?
JAY
Yes. I'm totally ready.
DWAYNE
Then answer me this...what's this
town missing? I'll give you a hint.
It's a cash business, crawling with
sexy bitches.
JAY
(BEAT)
A Chinese food restaurant?
DWAYNE
No. A tanning salon.
(BEAT)
Think about it. All that green.
All that brown flesh.
Jay nods, thinking about. He smiles.
DWAYNE
It's also the perfect front for a
prostitution ring.
JAY
Yeah, of course. Because of the booths.
DWAYNE
Yes. And because of the bitches.
(BEAT)
It can all be ours. 30 percent for
you, 70 percent for me. You just
gotta help me out here.
18.
Jay looks conflicted. Dwayne goes dark, like a spurned lover.
DWAYNE
I'm starting to wonder if my dream
book was wrong about you. Maybe you
sitting behind me doesn't mean you're
my road dog. Maybe it means you're
plotting to stab me in the back,
like some snake in the grass.
JAY
That's crazy. I'd never do something
like that. The dream book was right!
Jay looks Dwayne in the eyes, knows it's all or nothing...
JAY
Ok. I'll do it. But I'm not shooting
him or anything. I'll hold him while
you shoot him. That's it.
Dwayne chuckles.
DWAYNE
Here's a fact: they don't build prisons
for criminals, they build them for
idiots. Shit, they got three different
types of CSI on TV, just laying out
how the police do their business...and
still, idiots like you think you can
just go out and do a murder yourself.
(BEAT)
If you wanna be a millionaire, you
gotta think like one. And
millionaires don't kill people.
They hire assassins. Which I did.
We gotta pay him on Tuesday.
JAY
What? Why would you do that?
DWAYNE
I was presented with an opportunity.
I took it. 100 thousand bucks for a
highly trained assassin is a steal.
JAY
But we don't have that kinda money.
DWAYNE
Now we're addressing the real problem:
how do we get the 100 grand? 'Cause
once we get that, we get the million.
(MORE)
19.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
And once we get the million, we will
literally own this town and every
single thing in it.
JAY
I guess we could just...rob a bank.
One of these local banks with nothing
but a dipshit security guard.
DWAYNE
Again, not quite thinking like a
millionaire.
JAY
Okay, then let's hire someone to rob
a bank.
Dwayne thinks about this for a second.
DWAYNE
Fuck hiring them, we could just force
someone to rob a bank for us. Like
with blackmail, or death threats, or -
JAY
(ALMOST INVOLUNTARILY)
A bomb. Everyone's scared of a bomb.
DWAYNE
I was gonna say hypnotism...but I
like that. It's out of the fucking
box. We just strap one to some
motherfucker's chest, like we did to
those watermelons. Think you can
you build some kinda bomb vest?
JAY
Yeah, I mean...camel jockeys do it
in caves. I got a garage workshop.
DWAYNE
I'm pretty sure this is exactly how
a millionaire would do it. And the
beauty of it is: we don't lose any
sleep, 'cause no one gets hurt.
JAY
Except The Major.
DWAYNE
Yeah. The Major dies. But no one
gets hurt.
Dwayne smiles. But a nagging thought interrupts him -
20.
DWAYNE
There's just one problem. Where do
we get our guy? 'Cause if we do a
kidnapping, then we're right back
where we started...doing shit that's
gonna get us caught.
(MIND WORKING)
What we need is someone to come to
us...to a place where we can control
the situation. Someone without any
connection to us.
The guys stare at each other, stumped. Until something
catches Dwayne's attention...a local commercial playing on
the flat-screen. A PIZZA CHEF slides a pizza into a box -
PIZZA CHEF
(ON TV)
We'll deliver anywhere in 30 minutes
or less! Or your pizza is free!
Giorgio's Trattoria, where the
customer gets what they want...pronto!
The guys look at each other.
DWAYNE
Sometimes fate just takes out its cock
and slaps you in the face with it.
INT. CHET'S APARTMENT - DAY
A hand grabs a beer from the fridge.
VOICE (O.S.)
You're not trying to draw a psycho
pension...you really are crazy!
Will heads into the living room with the beer. The voice
belongs to Danny Glover. The guys are watching Lethal Weapon.
Murtaugh (Danny Glover) has just stopped Riggs (Mel Gibson)
from killing himself. Riggs looks at him, crazily, before -
RIGGS
(ON TV)
I'm hungry. I'm gonna get something
to eat.
Chet looks over at Will. He is drunk, and in a dark mood.
CHET
Maybe you should pace yourself.
It's noon on a Saturday.
WILL
Fridge is full, man. We're all good.
21.
Will drains half his beer.
WILL
Let me ask you a question. You
remember Tom Small?
CHET
Yeah, he used to kick our asses.
WILL
Turns out he was probably jerking
off to it afterwards. He's gay.
CHET
I hope he chokes on a dick. I never
liked him.
WILL
Your sister did. She let him finger
blast her. Big time.
Chet pauses the movie.
CHET
What the fuck are you talking about?
I don't want that shit in my head.
WILL
Sorry. Kate told me about it last
night. I thought you should know.
CHET
You two were swapping stories about
getting fingered? That's pretty cute.
Chet chuckles. Will ignores him, sips his beer.
WILL
The point I'm trying to make is this:
Tom Small was an asshole. He was
totally wrong for your sister. Just
like every other guy she's ever dated.
Right through to that Mark dude she's
gonna get back together with. Un-be-
fuck-me-lievable...
CHET
Whatever. Why the fuck are we talking
about who my sister goes out with?
At a loss, Will shrugs. Chet turns back to the TV, presses
play. Lethal Weapon resumes. Something blows up. Chet
pauses the movie and stares at Will for a beat.
22.
CHET
You sneaky son of a bitch...you want
to fuck my sister, don't you?
WILL
Chet, I really don't...
CHET
My twin sister!? Which is basically
like fucking me!
WILL
Hey, if you guys had that twin ESP
shit this would be a completely
different situation. There'd be
logistical problems.
CHET
We look exactly alike!
WILL
You look like a lot of people. You're
a normal looking dude.
CHET
This is so fucked up I can't even
begin to process it. How long has
this been going on?
WILL
If I had to put my finger on
it...middle school-ish.
CHET
So all those sleepovers, they were
just some kind of opportunity for
you to peek in Kate's bedroom?
WILL
It might have happened a few times.
Most of them were accidental.
CHET
You're a peeping Tom. You realize
that, don't you? You're a sexual
fucking deviant.
WILL
Fuck you. I'm as normal as they
come. Your sister is attractive.
She excites me, in a sexual way.
Fucking sue me. Can't we just be
adults about it?
23.
CHET
You? An adult? Sort of stretching
the term.
WILL
Hey, let's not say shit we can't
take back.
CHET
Take back? Will, you got kicked out
of junior college for punching a
professor that made fun of some poem
you wrote.
WILL
That poem was about your sister!
CHET
That is, literally, the saddest thing
I have ever heard. Like retards
playing freeze tag sad. No wonder
you deliver pizzas for a living.
WILL
Fuck you! Maybe I was just hanging
out with you for your sister. You
were always a whiny little bitch.
And you stuttered. All the kids
used to call you "Chutter."
CHET
Whatever. I only started hanging out
with you because you had a Nintendo.
WILL
Did you see my Nintendo naked?
Because I saw your sister changing
into her swimsuit at your thirteenth
birthday pool party. And it was the
highlight of the whole shitty event.
Chet bites his lip.
CHET
Okay. You wanna do this?
WILL
I think we already are.
CHET
Well, you know who I saw naked?
Jenny Rifkin. While I was nailing
her. The week after she dumped you.
(MORE)
24.
CHET (CONT'D)
Why do you think every time you wanna
bet on whose cock's bigger I'm always
willing to go in? 'Cause I know
mine's bigger. 'Cause she told me!
WILL
Wow...wow. You pulled a Judas on Jenny
fucking Rifkin. That is messed up.
Almost as messed up as how I sold your
Cal Ripken signed ball for 200 bucks.
CHET
My grandpa left me that ball in his
will! You helped me look for it for
a month!
WILL
Now you know why we never found it.
Will bows.
WILL
We done here?
Chet's face is red with anger.
CHET
Not quite yet. There's actually a
mystery I wanna solve for you.
(BEAT)
I was the one who told John Tanner
about how your mom fucked that
lifeguard. And I always felt awful
about it, because even though he
swore secrecy, he told everyone else
in town. And then your parents wound
up getting divorced. But now...I
don't give a shit.
WILL
What!? You ruined...my fucking life!
Will takes a swing at Chet. He dodges it and puts Will in
some sort of choke hold.
CHET
Krav Maga, bitch. I bet your poetry
professor didn't know this shit.
WILL
Get offa me!
CHET
You threw the first punch!
25.
WILL
I'm gonna break this hold and then
kick your skinny ass!
CHET
Try it!
Will flexes and tries to break the choke hold...no luck. He
wrenches his back away from Chet and screams -
WILL
What the fuck is that!?
CHET
My knuckle in your spine! No holds
barred you backstabbing fuck!
WILL
I'm gonna pass out...
CHET
Good!
WILL
(face bright red)
I love her, Chet...I love Kate...
Chet lets Will go. He drops to the floor, panting.
CHET
Let me tell you something. And it's
the truest thing you'll ever hear,
from the person who knows you best
in the world...you're not good enough
for my sister. And you never will
be. You're the lowest common
denominator, Will. You're the square
root of fucking zero.
Will gets to his feet.
WILL
Fuck you...Chutter!
(GRABS DICK)
Square this!
CHET
Get out of my house. You're a shitty
friend.
WILL
Right back at you.
Will storms out.
26.
EXT. CHET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Will screeches away in his car.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
A day or so has passed. Will sits on his couch, an unshaven
mess, watching Lethal Weapon 2. Murtaugh and Riggs laugh
and joke around. Best buds.
Will looks like he might cry. He goes for his beer, knocks
it over. He stares at the growing puddle of beer...then
grabs the folder with his college applications and uses them
to sop it up.
INT. GIORGIO'S TRATTORIA - NIGHT
Will sits at a table, looking out through the misty window.
Christopher boxes a pizza and drops it in front of him.
CHRISTOPHER
Come on, wake up and get to work.
Christopher hands him the order slip. Will checks the address.
WILL
Where the fuck is this?
CHRISTOPHER
How should I know? It's 30 minutes
away or the pizza comes out of your
paycheck. Tick tock.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Will's Mustang travels down a dark, empty stretch of highway.
The lone working taillight fades as the car disappears into
the distance.
EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The Mustang stops at the mouth of a driveway. Overgrown
shrubbery blocks anything beyond it from view. All that
Will can see is a red and white radio tower jutting into the
sky, beacon light flashing atop it.
Will checks the address, then drives through the open gate.
EXT. RADIO TOWER - NIGHT
The Mustang parks at the end of the driveway. Will gets out.
There is a large storage shed and, across a clearing, a radio
tower built on top of a small office structure.
27.
The office door is ajar. Florescent light glows from inside.
WILL
Hello?
DWAYNE (O.S.)
(calling back from beyond door)
Hey, bud! Sorry for the hike! The
county's got us doing repairs at the
ass end of the night!
This puts Will at ease. He heads toward the office. As he
gets close, a figure appears in the doorway. It is Dwayne
WEARING A SCARY FUCKING GORILLA MASK
WILL
What the -
Will hears something behind him and whirls around -
To find Jay, also in a gorilla mask, charging at him.
WILL
Holy fuck!
Will makes a run for it. But the guys are on top of him in
no time. He madly fights them off and dashes for his car.
DWAYNE
Stop! We got a gun, you asshole!
Will breaks toward the cover of the shrubbery.
DWAYNE
Fuck! Get him!
Jay is right on Will's tail. Without breaking stride, Jay
picks up a large branch and wings it at him.
Will is hit in the legs and stumbles over himself. Jay leaps
on top of him and locks his skinny legs around Will's body.
WILL
What the hell!?
(at a loss)
Rape!
Jay wrestles something from his pocket. A chloroform soaked
rag. He presses it hard against Will's mouth and nose.
Will soon goes limp.
Dwayne appears, looming above them. He pulls his gorilla
mask back and smiles.
28.
DWAYNE
Step one.
CUT TO:
Blurry vision coming into focus. Two gorillas.
EXT. RADIO TOWER - DAY
Whereas the masks looked scary at night, they look ridiculous
now. Will is propped up on the hood of his car, staring at
his captors. His mouth is duct taped, hands bound behind his
back. He wears his "Giorgio's" cap and a buttoned up olive
green Army jacket.
DWAYNE
You thought we were gonna rape you.
(CHUCKLES)
Idiot.
Will mumbles something through the duct tape.
DWAYNE
Just shut up. The tape is there for
a reason. 'Cause this next part is
gonna take a measure of calm. Are
you with me? Can you be calm?
Will nods. Dwayne holds up his driver license.
DWAYNE
Will Dixon, of 112 North Whatever-
The-Fuck Street, right now you are
wearing an explosive vest.
Will looks down at the jacket he is wearing, tries to get
his hands loose so he can tear it open.
DWAYNE
Calm the fuck down!
Will stiffens. For emphasis, Dwayne reveals the gun tucked
down the front of his pants like a big metal cock.
DWAYNE
Now stay still and my associate will
show you.
Jay carefully unbuttons the Army jacket. Will is, in fact,
wearing an explosive vest. It is a cobbled together but
intimidating looking contraption, crisscrossed by multicolored
wires. There is a thick lock at the hinge, with a digital
display and a keypad.
Will begins to hyperventilate.
29.
JAY
Take it easy, man. You're fine. I
built this thing. It's pretty stable.
DWAYNE
For a fucking bomb. So don't trip
over your shoelaces or anything.
That thing's full of C-4. And the C
is for chaos.
JAY
Actually, the C stands for "composite."
But, yeah, I'd try not to slam into
stuff.
DWAYNE
Can I take that tape off now, pizza boy?
Will nods. Dwayne rips the duct tape off his mouth.
WILL
Help!
Dwayne chuckles.
DWAYNE
You know where you are? You might
as well be in space, motherfucker.
Nobody can hear you scream.
WILL
Why are you doing this to me? I
don't have any money.
DWAYNE
Not yet. But you're gonna go get us
some.
WILL
Okay. Sure, man. Whatever you say.
I'll go sell my car. I'll get you
like a thousand bucks.
DWAYNE
I want 100 thousand.
WILL
Where the fuck am I supposed to get
that much money?
DWAYNE
The Donner-Wells National Bank on
Charles Road.
30.
JAY
Across the street from the Olive
Garden.
DWAYNE
Yeah, the one across the street from
the Olive Garden.
WILL
Do you guys have an account or
something?
Dwayne shakes his head like Will is an idiot.
DWAYNE
No, I don't have an account! You're
gonna rob it!
WILL
How the fuck am I supposed to rob a
bank?
DWAYNE
Figure it out. You got a bomb strapped
to your chest. That's a start. It'll
scare the fuck outta people. Maybe
use your brain and go get a gun.
Borrow one from a friend for all I
care. It ain't rocket science.
WILL
Then do it yourself.
DWAYNE
I would, but I'm already wearing
this gorilla mask and you're already
wearing that bomb.
(TO JAY)
Tell him about the vest.
Jay turns to Will.
JAY
You seem like a pretty trustworthy
guy. I mean, you got a job and all.
But just in case you were gonna try
to take the vest off, we booby trapped
it to shit. There's also a remote
detonator on the back, so we can
trigger it by dialing a number.
DWAYNE
And it's on speed dial. So do what
you gotta do, but we'll be watching.
(MORE)
31.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
You go anywhere near a police station,
and Fourth of July comes early this
year.
Dwayne nods at the timer on the side of the vest.
DWAYNE
It's 9:00 AM. You got 8 hours.
He hands Will a slip of paper.
DWAYNE
Once you have the money, call this
number and you'll be given instructions
on where to drop it. You do good, we
give you the six-digit combination
that stops the timer and opens the
lock. Tomorrow morning, you can go
back to delivering pizza, the mail,
whatever the fuck you want.
(BEAT)
Now let me demonstrate what happens
if you don't get us the money.
Dwayne looks over to where an oversized stuffed bear, rigged
with its own bomb vest, sits on a tree stump 20 yards away.
Dwayne mimes answering a phone -
DWAYNE
Hey, Teddy Ruxpin...what's that?
You don't have the money? It was
too tough to rob the bank, so you
just went back to your bear cave and
cried like a bitch? Well, guess
what my stuffed friend...time is up.
Jay pushes a button on a detonator. Teddy Ruxpin explodes.
All that remains is a cloud of stuffing.
Will is frozen in fear.
DWAYNE
I liked that bear. I don't even
know you.
Dwayne throws Will his car keys.
DWAYNE
Go on. Get outta here.
WILL
Guys, can we please just talk about
this?
32.
DWAYNE
Yeah, of course we can.
Dwayne pulls out the gun and fires two shots at Will's feet.
Jay jumps backward, as does Will, who hits the hood of his
car, slides across it and onto the ground by the driver side.
DWAYNE
Be careful!
Will awkwardly gets to his feet and arranges himself in the
car, adjusting to the weight of the bomb. As he starts the
engine and backs away -
DWAYNE
That's right! Get the fuck out of
here! You're wasting time!
Once the car is gone, Jay yanks off his gorilla mask. Dwayne
stays primate.
JAY
What the hell, Dwayne? You told me
that was a replica gun.
DWAYNE
It was. Then I paid a Mexican 50
bucks to put a firing pin in it.
Now it goes boom.
JAY
We didn't discuss a loaded gun!
Especially not with the bomb around!
Dwayne gets right in Jay's face. The plastic eyes of his
mask betray no emotion.
DWAYNE
Don't you ever question me. I'm
fucking this bitch. You're just
holding the camera.
JAY
(VOICE FALTERS)
Sure, Dwayne...whatever you say.
DWAYNE
Good. 'Cause this ain't the Marines.
This is cash money. You hesitate, you
fuck up...and I will leave you behind.
A tense beat. Dwayne pulls his mask off. He looks oddly calm.
DWAYNE
Let's go get some breakfast.
33.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Will's car flies down the road. It screeches to a stop,
tires smoking. Will jumps out, stumbles to the shoulder and
pukes. He drops to his knees.
WILL
Oh, god! Holy shit! Fuck me!
Someone please fucking help me!
Nothing but the wind.
Will fights back tears. He gets to his feet, wipes his mouth.
He takes out his cell phone, scrolls through the contacts.
He pauses on Chet's name...presses send.
The line goes to voicemail. Will looks at the bomb's timer:
7 hours, 47 minutes and counting. He hurries to his car.
INT. CLASSROOM, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
A laser dot dances around the middle of a United States map.
Chet is teaching a history lesson to a bunch of SEVENTH
GRADERS that look very mature and very bored. As he indicates
with his laser pointer -
CHET
This whole region here, about 830
thousand square miles, was part of
the initial Louisiana Purchase.
SEVENTH GRADER
(COUGHING)
Nice laser.
The class giggles. Chet, embarrassed, puts away the pointer.
There is a knock at the door. Chet turns to see Will's face
in the door's window pane. He looks back to his class.
CHET
Take out your workbooks. Chapter 3.
Chet opens the door.
CHET
What do you want?
WILL
We gotta talk.
CHET
I'm working here. Do not mess with
me at work.
34.
WILL
Chet, for the love of god, just talk
to me in private for one minute.
Chet sighs.
INT. HALLWAY, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Chet leads a jumpy Will into
INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Chet shuts the door behind them. Will paces.
CHET
You wanna apologize, don't you? You
look like shit. You've probably
been up for days thinking about what
an asshole you were. Well, it's
gonna take a lot more than some
pathetic groveling -
WILL
(SUDDENLY)
Chet! Shut up! I don't wanna
apologize to you!
CHET
Then what do you want? Because we
don't have anything left to say to
each other.
Will swallows hard.
WILL
Here goes. And this is gonna sound
crazy. Because it is fucking crazy.
But last night two guys in masks
jumped me and strapped a bomb to my
chest, and now I have less than eight
hours to rob a bank.
Chet just stares at Will, unimpressed.
CHET
You're hysterical. Got me. Great
joke. I'm going back to work now.
Will steps in Chet's way. He unbuttons his jacket, revealing
the bomb.
CHET
What the fuck? Is that real?
Will nods.
35.
Chet jumps backward, stumbles over a desk and scurries on
his ass to the other end of the classroom. He presses himself
flat against the wall.
CHET
Stay away from me! What the fuck
are you involved in!? Terrorism!?
WILL
Chet, do you really think I'm a
terrorist?
CHET
Yes! One of the dumb ones! The
ones they convince to wear the bombs!
WILL
I am not fucking around here. Two
guys did this to me. And if I don't
rob that bank in time this thing is
gonna blow.
CHET
Seriously?
WILL
Seriously.
CHET
And your first idea was to come to a
school filled with young children?
WILL
I didn't -
CHET
Just back the fuck away from me with
that thing.
Will backs all the way up, so that the guys are on opposite
ends of the classroom.
WILL
Listen, I think the vest is safe for
now. These guys don't want me to
blow myself up on accident before I
get their money.
CHET
Oh, so you figure the two psychopaths
that rigged a bomb to your chest
made sure it was safe? There's no
margin for error in their fucking
bomb vest design!?
36.
WILL
I don't know! All I do know is that
this is real. This is happening.
And I'm sure you hate me as much as
I hate you right now, but I have
nowhere else to go.
CHET
For what?
WILL
For help, Chet. I need your help.
Please. I can't do this alone.
Chet looks Will over. His desperation is palpable. Chet
bites his lip, weighing the situation...
CHET
Damn it!
(takes a breath)
I'd like to tell you to get fucked,
but you know what the problem is...I'm
a better man than you. And someday,
I might actually forgive you. So if
I let you blow up, or whatever, that
shit might come back and eat at my
conscience, and totally affect my
relationships with other people.
Like my wife and kids and shit.
WILL
That's a...very rational way to look
at the situation.
(GENUINELY)
And you're right, about being a better
guy than me.
Chet takes a step toward Will.
CHET
Are you sure that thing isn't gonna
blow at any second?
Will just looks at Chet...unable to offer any assurance.
After a beat -
CHET
Could you just walk a few feet in
front of me for a while?
WILL
I can do that.
Will opens the door, stops, looks back at Chet.
37.
WILL
Thank you.
Will heads out. Chet takes a breath, bracing himself.
INT. HALLWAY, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Will walks down the empty hallway. He glances back over his
shoulder, where Chet walks several feet behind him.
CHET
Yes, I'm still here. I really am
this stupid. Just pay attention to
where you're going.
WILL
I think I can handle it.
CHET
These floors get waxed once a week.
On Tuesday, which today is. You hit
a slick patch, trip and fall, and I
got a classroom full of kids wearing
their skin inside out.
WILL
Chet, I'm fucking nervous enough as
it is. Please. I don't need you
back seat driving me right now.
CHET
Obviously.
Will stops, turns back toward Chet.
WILL
Just for the record, this isn't a
nuclear weapon strapped to my chest.
And there are metal lockers on either
side of the hallway. If I fall, and
if this thing goes off, I'm probably
not taking out the whole school.
CHET
Do you really want to debate this?
Will sighs, turns back around. A second later, the school
bell rings and kids flood the hallway, changing classes.
Will freezes. Multiple kids shove past him. Chet sweats
bullets, gives Will a look of death.
After a beat, the hallway empties again.
38.
CHET
You're an asshole.
WILL
Whatever. It's over.
Will continues walking. He tries to lighten the mood -
WILL
Who was the chick in the white jeans?
CHET
Kristi Evans. Why?
WILL
You know why.
CHET
Oh, come on. Just keep walking.
The guys' voices fade as they continue down the hallway...
WILL
Come on yourself. You knew exactly
who I was talking about.
CHET
Fuck you. She's in the eighth grade.
WILL
I bet you love it when she calls you
Mr. Chet.
CHET
She doesn't call me "Mr. Chet."
She's not a foreigner.
EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
The guys get to Will's car. Chet wraps up a call on his cell -
CHET
...thanks so much, Mrs. Davis. I'll
call you after I talk to the doctor.
Chet hangs up. He is standing by the passenger door. He
looks over the roof of the car at Will.
CHET
So, this is it?
WILL
This is what?
39.
CHET
Once I step inside this car, I'm
basically in a steel coffin with you
and...that thing. And if it goes
off, all they're gonna find in there
are two charred bodies and pieces of
a bomb. They'll assume we were driving
to a government building to blow it
up. It'll be all over the news.
Next thing you now, some militia or
Islam group is claiming us as members.
My family will be humiliated.
WILL
We'll also be dead, in that particular
situation, so it won't really matter.
CHET
Exactly!
Will sighs.
WILL
I get it. Take your time, man.
Will gets in the car and shuts the door. He looks out at
Chet, who stands uncertainly by the passenger side.
CHET
This is the world's biggest favor,
you motherfucker. You didn't even
help me move last winter.
Chet reluctantly hops in.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY
Will fires up the engine.
CHET
Given the situation, I think you
should obey all traffic safety laws.
WILL
Fine.
Will pulls out of the school parking lot.
WILL
Okay, so where are we going?
CHET
I have no idea. I just got in your
car. I thought you had a plan.
40.
WILL
Well, I don't! I've been sorta
preoccupied with this crushing fear
of death!
CHET
No plan. I can't say I'm surprised.
WILL
Your plan is probably better. Just
condescend me until I explode.
Will goes to turn on the radio. Chet grabs his hand.
CHET
Maybe we should turn on the radio.
See if the signal sets the bomb off.
That would be an interesting experiment.
Will heaves a frustrated sigh. Chet eases up.
CHET
Listen, let's just go back to my
place. Figure out our options.
Maybe you can get the vest off or
something. I just don't want to do
anything stupid.
WILL
Unless we have to.
The car hits a rough pothole. Chet's heart skips a beat -
CHET
Holy fucking shit!
- and he throws himself against the passenger side window,
as far from Will as the confines of the car will allow.
Will slams the brakes.
WILL
Stop it! You're scaring the fuck
out of me!
CHET
Okay. Okay. Fuck!
Chet makes the sign of the cross.
CHET
I'm cool now.
Will continues driving. Chet discreetly unlocks the passenger
side door.
41.
WILL
Why did you do that?
CHET
Do what?
WILL
I saw you.
CHET
It's in case I have to jump out.
WILL
If I survive the day, and you don't
because you jumped out of a moving
car and broke your neck, I'm gonna
laugh my ass off.
CHET
And if abandoning ship saves my life,
then that laugh will be mine.
The guys continue driving in silence.
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 6 hours, 59 minutes...
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM, CHET'S APARTMENT - DAY
The door is shut. Will sits on the toilet lid. He has the
jacket off and we get our first complete look at the vest.
The actual structure is composed of hollow metal tubes. The
wiring that runs throughout the vest is messy and complicated,
purposely so, to scare anyone out of fucking with it.
Will is in the process of trying to contort his arm so he
can slide the vest off...no luck.
WILL
It's too tight!
He is calling off toward the
KITCHEN
Where Chet is crouched in a corner, at the furthest point in
the furthest room from the bathroom. He uses his laptop to
look for websites on disarming a bomb.
CHET
What if we try to separate your
shoulder?
42.
WILL (O.S.)
Fuck you!
CHET
Well, all these sites say different
shit. There's not a lot of consensus
in the bomb disarming community.
Will emerges from the bathroom, sliding the jacket back on.
WILL
This is pointless.
Chet shuts his laptop.
CHET
I agree. We gotta call the cops,
have them fly in the bomb squad or
something.
WILL
We can't. These guys said they'd be
following me. And I don't have a
clue what they look like. For all I
know, they're outside right now.
They see the cops show up, they blow
the vest and cut their losses.
Will stares at Chet, hopelessly overwhelmed.
WILL
What do I do, man? What do I do now?
CHET
I don't know, Will...I guess you
gotta rob the bank.
WILL
I haven't been inside a bank in three
years! How the fuck am I supposed
to rob one!? They wouldn't even
give me a savings account!
Will drops onto the couch and puts his head in his hands,
fighting hysterics. Chet offers a stock reassurance -
CHET
It's gonna be okay.
WILL
No, it's not! I'm gonna blow up!
That's way worse than getting stabbed
or shot. At least some people survive
that. No one survives being blown
up.
(MORE)
43.
WILL (CONT'D)
No one is ever like, "Yeah, I heard
Steve got blown up, tough break, but
how's he doing now? Is he still in
the Rec basketball league?" No of
course he isn't, 'cause there's nothing
left of Steve except a stain on the
wall and a pair of fucking high tops!
Chet looks on as his friend begins to sob. It's a crushing
sight. Chet strides across the apartment -
CHET
Pull yourself together!
- and attempts to give him one of those "get a grip" slaps.
But Will flinches and Chet slaps him right on the ear.
WILL
Ow! Fuck! I think you popped my
eardrum.
CHET
Sorry. Shit. I didn't mean to do
that. But just listen to me now.
You're not gonna die. You wanna
know why? Because you know exactly
how to rob a bank.
WILL
What are you talking about?
CHET
Point Break.
WILL
The movie?
CHET
Yes. That movie is like a how-to
guide for bank robberies. You just
bust in. Masks. Guns. Move fast.
Stick to the tellers and don't bother
with the vault.
WILL
Yeah...I guess it's pretty simple,
right? And it's just a local bank.
The Donner-Wells on Charles Road.
CHET
Really? I applied for a job there
like a year ago.
44.
WILL
You wanted to be a teller?
CHET
Yeah, so what? It's a good job.
You get benefits.
WILL
Like what, a name tag?
CHET
What kind of benefits do you get?
Free toppings?
WILL
That's really clever. No one ever
said that shit to me before. Anyway,
this is perfect. You know the whole
layout of the bank.
CHET
Not exactly. They didn't hand me
the security schematics with the
application. But I sat in the waiting
area for like 20 minutes. I know
what the place looks like.
WILL
How many guards?
CHET
One. I think.
WILL
That's a start.
CHET
It's a great start. You can do it.
Will pauses.
WILL
You're gonna do it with me, right?
CHET
I was actually gonna stick to giving
tips, ideas...motivational speeches.
More of a consultant or advisory role.
WILL
Jesus Christ, Chet. Please. I'm
begging you here. I need you on
this. If I do it alone, I'm dead.
45.
CHET
Are you gonna cry again?
WILL
That was a moment of weakness.
(BEAT)
Yes. I'll fucking cry again if that's
what it takes.
CHET
I should make you blow me.
WILL
Sure. Whip that shit out. I'm
actually kinda curious. I wanna see
if Jenny Rifkin lied to you. She
obviously lied to me.
Chet cracks a smile.
WILL
All these guys want is 100 grand.
We can do this.
CHET
We're gonna rob a bank for 100 grand?
Just leave the rest of the money
sitting there? Why?
WILL
I don't know. I guess they're very
modest criminals. Who the fuck cares?
Wait...you said "we" right?
Chet heaves a sigh.
CHET
I'm putting my life on the line for
100 grand...what does 100 grand even
buy these days?
CUT TO:
THE GRILLE OF A MURDERED OUT 1997 NISSAN SENTRA
As the car pulls into
EXT. BACK PARKING LOT, DIVE STRIP CLUB - DAY
Where Juicy waits by the service entrance, smoking a
cigarette. She spots the car and runs over. It parks and
the door opens. A glassy-eyed African-American man (30s)
steps out. His muscled body is covered in calligraphic prison
ink. This is VAUGHN.
46.
Juicy throws her arms around him.
JUICY
I missed you so much, baby.
VAUGHN
You don't got enough dicks to keep
you warm in that place?
JUICY
You know it's not like that. Those
guys get Juicy, but you get Marisol.
VAUGHN
Well, Marisol...what I want is to
get my money, kill that old ass man,
then get the fuck out of here.
JUICY
Then that's how it's gonna go. We're
just waiting on a call.
Vaughn stares at her.
VAUGHN
This is my impatient face.
JUICY
Well, I think I can keep you
entertained.
Juicy gets in the open driver side door and makes a show of
crawling over into the passenger seat.
INT. WALMART - DAY
Fluorescent lights and pop music. Will and Chet roam the
aisles with a full shopping basket. They turn into the
"Sports & Fitness" section, where they find a variety of air
pistols. They are incredibly realistic, though clear and
with orange nozzles.
WILL
Should we go with the handguns...or
the Uzis?
CHET
Handguns.
WILL
That's such a Murtaugh choice.
CUT TO:
47.
A check out conveyor belt, as the guys' purchases drift past:
air pistols, spray paint, ski masks, leather gloves, several
5-Hour Energy drinks.
The tough REGISTER WOMAN looks at the guys with abject disgust.
REGISTER WOMAN
You sure you don't want to grab some
condoms?
WILL
Uh, no. Why?
REGISTER WOMAN
Because this is usually what men buy
before they rape someone, and I want
to make sure you all use protection.
WILL
Lady, we're just...buying some stuff.
REGISTER WOMAN
Is that cash or credit for your rape
kit?
Will looks in his empty wallet, takes out a credit card.
Chet grabs his hand.
CHET
We'll pay cash.
INT. MINIVAN - DAY
The van is parked. Dwayne sits behind the wheel. Metallica's
"Ride the Lightning" begins to play loudly.
DWAYNE
You really fucked up this mix tape.
Dwayne ejects the tape, tosses it at Jay in the passenger seat.
DWAYNE
We're not speed freaks knocking off
a 7-Eleven. We're masterminding a
heist here.
JAY
Sorry, Dwayne. That song just means
a lot to me.
Dwayne shakes his head. He turns and looks out the windshield:
they're parked in the Walmart lot, watching the store entrance.
DWAYNE
I wish he would hurry his shit up.
48.
JAY
You worried about that other guy
he's with?
DWAYNE
No, man. He picked him up at a
school. So long as there ain't any
cops, he can take the whole town
with him. I just want my money.
Dwayne surveys the area. Something catches his attention:
the bland strip mall across the street. There's a Blockbuster,
Subway, and an empty space in between. Dwayne smiles.
JAY
What? You want me to run over to
Subway, get us a couple sandwiches?
DWAYNE
If you had any vision, Jay, you'd
know exactly what I'm thinking about
right now. And it's not a sandwich.
(BEAT)
Look how well trafficked that shopping
mall is. It's the perfect place for
the tanning salon.
Jay checks it out, nods.
JAY
Oh, you're totally right.
DWAYNE
I've been thinking about it, and I
want you to start off working the
counter. Sounds like a demotion, I
know, but it's an important position.
Because we're gonna be using code
words and shit. For example, if a
customer walks in and says he wants a
tan, that just means he wants a tan.
But if he says he wants a "deluxe
tan," that means a blow job and you
gotta get one of the girls in there
to suck him off. You with me?
JAY
So far. But what if he wants a fuck?
DWAYNE
There's gonna be codes for everything:
missionary, anal, black chicks. I
got it all written down back home in
my files.
(MORE)
49.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
I'm not gonna bother getting into it
with you right now, because you're
supposed to be on lookout and you're
no good at multitasking.
JAY
Okay. 'Cause they're about to get
away.
Dwayne spots the Mustang pulling away.
DWAYNE
Fuck.
He throws the van into gear.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
Will navigates the streets. Chet is in the back seat, where
he has newspaper spread out and is spray painting the air
pistols, and much of the car, black.
WILL
Be careful, you're getting paint
everywhere.
CHET
Are you really worried about your
upholstery right now?
WILL
Yes, because if I survive this shit
I'm quitting my job. That means
I'll probably have to give up my
place and I'll be sleeping in the
back of my car, which you're covering
in toxic paint.
Chet touches up one of the guns, goes to flip it over.
WILL
That side isn't dry yet. You're
about to ruin it.
CHET
It says it's fast drying.
WILL
Fast isn't the same as instant. You
gotta let it sit for like 20 minutes.
CHET
How would you know? You do a lot of
graffiti?
50.
WILL
No, but I spray painted my bike last
year after I got my license suspended.
I didn't let it dry properly and I
fucked it up.
CHET
We don't have time to sit around and
literally watch paint dry. Aren't
we going straight to the bank?
WILL
I was actually thinking we need to
stop and steal a car first.
Chet drops the spray paint, whirls on Will.
CHET
What? No way! We've got a car.
WILL
Yeah, my car. I'm not gonna use it
as a getaway vehicle. They can trace
the plates. Even if we do get away,
we'll be arrested.
CHET
Well, I can't hotwire a fucking
automobile, and neither can you.
WILL
That's why I was thinking we'd steal
one from your parents' friends. The
Fishers. Remember how they used to
pay us to clean their garage? They
leave the keys in there. And they
have a Datsun. That's a fast car.
CHET
I'm not stealing the Fishers' Datsun.
Let's steal a car from your parents'
friends.
Will seethes. He whips the car over to the side of the road
and gets in Chet's face.
WILL
What friends? My parents don't have
any. My dad moved away after your
big mouth ruined his marriage and
humiliated him, and no one wanted to
hang out with the mom who everyone
knew fucked a lifeguard.
51.
CHET
You never should have told me! I
was 13 years old. I couldn't process
that kind of information. I had to
tell someone else.
(shakes his head)
Fuck. I really am sorry about it.
Okay? Despite what I said before.
I was just a kid, but I messed up.
WILL
Okay.
Chet looks at Will, expectantly.
CHET
That's it? You're not gonna apologize
for selling my Cal Ripken ball?
WILL
Sure. I'm sorry...I'm sorry that my
family was going through a rough patch
and I was smoking a ton of weed and
listening to the Wu Tang Clan all the
time. And that I needed some extra
dough to indulge my habit. Which, in
hindsight, was probably just a cry
for help. But you never even noticed.
CHET
Thanks. Now I feel even worse.
Will sits there, stewing for a moment. Then he softens -
WILL
I shouldn't have stolen the ball. I
knew it was wrong and I regretted it
like the next day. I actually tried
to buy it back but the guy wanted
twice as much. I had to smoke even
more weed just to get past the whole
shitty incident. I guess that's why
they call it a downward spiral.
CHET
I appreciate that you tried to buy
it back. So, thanks.
An awkward moment passes.
CHET
We should probably get going.
Will turns back around, goes to pull out without looking and -
52.
A horn blares as a speeding delivery truck barrels right at
them. Will slams the brakes, barely avoiding a collision.
CHET
Fuck! Fuck! I just want this goddamn
day to be over!
As Chet continues to freak -
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 5 hours, 15 minutes...
CUT TO:
EXT. THE FISHERS' GARAGE - DAY
Will keeps watch of the house. Chet squeezes through a garage
window he has pried open.
INT. THE FISHERS' GARAGE - DAY
Chet drops ungracefully to the floor, right beside a well
maintained 1977 Datsun 240Z.
Chet hurries over and unlocks the side door. Will enters,
hauling the Walmart bag of supplies. He goes right for a
set of hooks on the wall.
WILL
The keys aren't here. They always
used to leave the keys out.
CHET
Yeah. When we were teenagers. This
is fucked.
WILL
Let's just find them.
The guys ransack the garage. Chet knocks over a shelf full
of clutter.
CHET
Sorry.
Will goes to the car and tries the handle. It's open. He
scours the interior.
CHET
You hear that?
WILL
What?
Chet peeks through the glass pane in the door.
53.
CHET
Mr. Fisher is coming!
As he looks for an escape -
CHET
Oh shit, oh shit. Are the keys in there?
WILL
No!
Will hops out of the car. He rifles through the Walmart bag.
CHET
What are you doing?
Will pulls the ski masks out of the bag, along with one of
the freshly painted air pistols.
WILL
I'm doing what I have to.
Will puts a ski mask on, then throws one to Chet. The door
opens and MR. FISHER (60s) enters. Chet quickly pulls down
his mask. It's backwards.
Will levels the pistol -
MR. FISHER
Oh, Jesus!
Mr. Fisher braces himself against a wall. Chet fumbles to
turn his mask around. Will affects a deep voice -
WILL
Where are the car keys?
MR. FISHER
They're in my pocket! I'm just
reaching in my pocket for the keys!
WILL
Quiet down and do it already.
Mr. Fisher reaches into his pocket and produces the keys.
They jingle as he holds them out in his trembling hand.
Will snatches them.
WILL
Now listen, I don't want you to report
this car stolen or anything until
later tonight. Let's say 5 o'clock.
6 to be safe.
54.
MR. FISHER
Sure. Anything you say.
Will seems unconvinced. He looks to Chet, who shrugs. Will
turns back to Mr. Fisher and gestures violently with the gun -
WILL
If you fuck with us, I swear, I
will...I will shoot your son. Taylor.
I know where he works. At the fucking
travel agency. He's the douchebag
with the bangs.
MR. FISHER
(STUNNED)
Please no. I won't do anything. I
won't. Just leave Taylor alone.
WILL
I'm gonna trust you. But if you
call the police, there's gonna be an
undertaker styling his stupid fucking
bangs!
(BEAT)
Now open the garage door.
Mr. Fisher hits a switch that raises the garage door. Chet
grabs their stuff and gets in the passenger side. Will backs
toward the driver side.
WILL
The car's insured, right?
Mr. Fisher nods.
WILL
Okay. I feel better. Worse comes
to worst, something happens to it,
you can get a Honda. This thing
doesn't even have airbags.
MR. FISHER
Please, just go.
Will slides into the car and starts it up.
EXT. THE FISHERS' GARAGE - DAY
The car peels away.
INT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING
The guys yank off their ski masks.
55.
CHET
That old man's got a heart condition!
You could have killed him!
WILL
My hand was forced!
Chet tries to get comfortable in the seat.
CHET
Awesome. I'm stuck inside an even
smaller car with you and a bomb.
Will works the manual transmission. He steps on the gas.
WILL
This thing's got some pickup.
CHET
Could you just take it easy, we're
doing fine on time.
WILL
I know...but there's one last stop
we have to make.
CHET
Do you have to take a piss first?
Because I do.
Will nervously drums his fingers on the steering wheel, trying
to figure out how to say -
WILL
I need to see your sister.
CHET
Are you for real? Did you really
just ask me that? You salt-in-an-
open-wound motherfucker!
WILL
Chet, as if it isn't apparent, I may
die today. I'll probably die today.
And if there's one small thing that's
clear to me now, it's that I've wasted
two and a half decades as a pussy,
watching everything I want pass me
by. I don't wanna peace out of this
world as a pussy. I need to tell
her how I feel.
CHET
You're really gonna turn this into
some sort of dying wish bullshit?
56.
WILL
Yes, I really am. It means that much
to me. I am not fucking around here.
CHET
I don't think you are. I mean,
apparently, you love my sister so
much that you're willing to put her
life in danger by going to see her
with a bomb strapped to your chest.
WILL
She won't be in danger. I promise.
I got it all worked out. And you
can even take a piss while I'm inside.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
The Datsun pulls around and parks in back.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL the minivan parking across the street.
INT. MINIVAN - DAY
Dwayne and Jay watch Will hurry out of the Datsun.
DWAYNE
Where the fuck is he going? What's in
there? Some sort of FBI headquarters?
I told that guy not to fuck around!
Dwayne pulls out his cell phone, punches in the speed dial
code. His finger hovers above the send button.
DWAYNE
Maybe I should give that bomb a call.
JAY
No! Let me just go see what he's up to.
Dwayne smirks.
DWAYNE
I was just fucking around. Are you
gay for this guy or something?
JAY
I just wanna get the money, Dwayne.
Same as you.
DWAYNE
All right. Then man up and go check
it out.
As Jay reaches for the door handle -
57.
DWAYNE
Don't even tell me you're about to
do a reconnaissance without a cover.
What's you cover?
JAY
I don't know...I'm from the telephone
company?
DWAYNE
Yeah, nice fucking uniform.
Dwayne rummages in the back of the car, produces a shopping
bag and starts filling it with random clothes strewn across
the car. He shoves the bag at Jay.
DWAYNE
You're a personal shopper. You're
delivering the latest fashions to Mr.
Quilby in marketing. Got it?
Jay nods, hops out with the bag and slams the door.
Dwayne looks down at the cell phone in his hand, twirls it
as he hums a revival song...sings the lyrics, softly -
DWAYNE
"He's got the whole world in his
hands. He's got whole fucking world
in his hands..."
INT. STAIRWELL, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Will runs up the stairs, a phone pressed to his ear -
WILL
...no, I'm here right now.
KATE (O.S.)
(OVER PHONE)
Why are you acting so strange?
WILL
Because strange shit is going on.
I'll explain everything. Just meet
me where I texted you.
KATE (O.S.)
WILL -
WILL
Please. Just do it.
58.
EXT. ROOF, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
You can see the entire shitty town from up here. The access
door opens and Kate emerges, wind tousling her short hair.
KATE
(CALLING OUT)
Will?
Will waves at her from where he is standing, way across on
the other side of the roof. Kate starts toward him.
WILL
Stop!
Will takes out his cell phone and dials. Kate's phone rings.
She answers it, confused.
KATE
What are you doing?
We STAY on Will. We can see Kate, standing 30 feet away,
but her voice comes over Will's cell phone, with a delay
that is slightly jarring.
WILL
Just don't come any closer.
KATE
Why not? What's going on?
WILL
I'm gonna give you the short version
of an incredibly complicated and fucked
up situation, so please be cool.
(BEAT)
Some very bad guys strapped a bomb
to my chest and they are forcing me
to commit a crime.
KATE
Will, I swear, if this is -
WILL
I wish I was joking, but I'm not. I
know it's a lot to swallow, but you
gotta take it on face value, because
there's a timer attached to this
thing and it's counting down.
Kate's voice falters -
KATE
Oh my god, Will...we'll get help.
I'll get you help.
59.
WILL
I didn't come here for help. I'm
taking care of it. I came here
because, should things not work out
today as I would like them to, I
want you to know why I was doing the
things I did.
KATE
Please, just let me call someone.
Let me do something. This is crazy!
WILL
I don't disagree with you. It's
fucking nuts. But that's not even
what this is about.
(STRUGGLING)
Do you remember when you found that
picture in my car of you, me and
Chet, with Chet cut out of it?
KATE
Will, I can't remember about some
stupid picture while you're -
WILL
I need you to remember about the
picture, and about how I stop by
your office every Friday, and how
I've always hated all your boyfriends,
and how the two girls I've ever
seriously dated have looked like
less attractive versions of you.
(BEAT)
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I love you Kate. I have for a very
long time.
Kate is barely holding it together.
KATE
Will, this is a lot you're putting
on me! You just told me people are
trying to kill you or something, and
now you say you love me. What the
fuck is going on?
WILL
A whole lot of shit. I'm sorry to do
this to you, but I was afraid I'd never
get the chance to tell you. And I
know you have feelings for me, too.
Maybe you feel for me the way you feel
for a good friend, or - if the world
fucking hates me - a brother.
(MORE)
60.
WILL (CONT'D)
But what I hope is that you don't really
know how you feel for me, and that
maybe when you figure it out you'll
realize it's the same way I feel for
you. Does that make any sense?
KATE
Yes. I mean, I've known you forever.
It's not an easy thing to figure out.
WILL
I don't need an answer now. Just
think about it. And no matter what
you decide, you're too good for
assholes like Mark and the rest of
them.
Kate manages a small, stifled laugh.
KATE
Okay. I will process all of this.
It's just, the bomb -
WILL
It's distracting. I know. Anyway,
I'd love to stay and talk some more,
but I can't. I gotta ask you to leave
now, because I'm running out of time.
Kate nods. Will hangs up the phone. She turns back toward
the access door, stops. She yells across the roof at Will -
KATE
If I had time to think about it...I'd
probably tell you that I've always
felt very strongly for you. And I've
never thought of you as a brother.
Will smiles, yells back -
WILL
That's a huge relief. Don't say
anything else. I just really don't
want to die now.
KATE
Try not to. Please.
Kate turns and continues to the access door.
61.
INT. STAIRWELL, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Jay paces about the landing that leads up to the roof. He
hears the door opening and hurries down to the entrance for
the nearest floor. He tries the door, but it's locked.
Kate enters the stairwell from the roof access door and spots
Jay trying to force the door open. She is holding back tears.
He just looks incredibly confused.
JAY
I'm, uh...I'm a personal shopper.
I'm looking for Mr. Quilby.
KATE
I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
Kate continues down the stairs, tears coming now. Jay waits
a beat, then hurries down and tries the door on the next
level, which is open.
INT. MINIVAN - DAY
Jay jumps in the van, huffing and puffing.
DWAYNE
So?
JAY
It was just his girlfriend or something.
DWAYNE
Getting one last blow job in case he
don't make it. I kinda like this guy.
INT. DATSUN - DAY
Will, galvanized by the exchange, hops inside.
CHET
Did you tell her how you saw her naked
when she was 13? That always works.
WILL
I said my piece. She's gonna think
about it.
CHET
Shut up. She was freaked out.
WILL
Yes. By the bomb.
CHET
By you.
62.
WILL
Would it be so bad if we ended up
together? You and I would be family.
CHET
I don't want you in the family. You
bring very little to the table. I
want her to be with someone awesome.
A pro quarterback. A war hero. At
the very least, someone I've never
watched porn with.
WILL
Well, now it's up to her.
CHET
Not if I set that bomb off myself.
WILL
Then you'd probably never get to rob
a bank.
Will throws the car into gear and pulls away.
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 4 hours, 10 minutes...
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT, DONNER-WELLS NATIONAL BANK - DAY
The Datsun is parked in the half-full lot. The guys lean
against the driver side, with their backs to the bank and
the car providing cover. They each have a spray painted air
pistol tucked into their pants.
WILL
You go for the money. I'll cover
the crowd. In and out.
Chet clasps his hands around his stomach.
CHET
I'm not feeling so good. I drank
like three of those 5-Hour Energy
drinks.
WILL
It's just nerves. Let's pull our
shit together and do this thing.
Chet reigns it in. The guys slide on the leather gloves and
rolled up ski masks. They turn and stride toward the bank.
The guys stop as they get to the door. They pull the ski
masks down and take out their air pistols.
63.
CHET
What should I call you in there,
like if I need to ask you to do
something?
WILL
Call me Tivon. You'll be Darius.
CHET
I can tell you're not a black guy
through the ski mask.
WILL
Fine. Then you'll be Luis and I'm
Cruz. We're two loco motherfuckers
and that's the way we gotta roll
when we get in there.
INT. DONNER-WELLS NATIONAL BANK - DAY
It's business as usual for a dozen CUSTOMERS and about as
many EMPLOYEES. They all just want to get done with their
shit and go home, when -
Will and Chet burst through the bank doors, guns in hand.
WILL
Everybody put your hands in the air!
CHET
No, get on the ground!
WILL
Actually, listen to him and get on
the fucking ground!
Will and Chet are on an adrenaline high, waving their guns
everywhere. People scream.
WILL
Shut up! Please!
Will frantically scans the panicked crowd for -
The SECURITY GUARD (40s), rail thin and jumpy. Will points
his gun right at him.
WILL
You, just stand right there and don't
do shit! The rest of you get the
fuck down! Spread your arms and legs!
Why is no one listening to me!?
SECURITY GUARD
Just take it easy, man!
64.
WILL
Don't be a hero, cowboy!
SECURITY GUARD
What the fuck does that mean? I'm
not a hero! Or a cowboy!
As people drop to the ground, whispering nervously to one
ANOTHER -
Chet rushes the TELLERS standing behind the bulletproof glass
partition.
CHET
All of you, back away from the counter
and get out here! Anyone pushes a
button and one of these people gets
totally shot!
The Tellers hurry into the main area of the bank and get
onto their stomachs.
Will looks to the Guard.
WILL
Very slowly, take out your gun and
toss it away.
The Guard takes out his gun, lays it on the ground and shoves
it away. The gun slides across the waxed floor and -
Right into the outstretched hand of a sobbing MOM (40s),
whose DAUGHTER (11) lies beside her in a soccer uniform.
MOM
Oh, god! I don't want the gun!
WILL
(TO GUARD)
What the fuck!? Did you do that on
purpose!?
SECURITY GUARD
It was an accident!
CHET
Are you guys working together?
MOM
No! Please take this gun away!
WILL
Just toss it, lady!
65.
The Mom slides the gun away like it were on fire. It skids
all the way across the floor, slams hard against a wall and
BLAM!
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Ah!
A FAT MAN has been shot. He clutches his thigh.
FAT MAN
I think she got the femoral artery!
MOM
I'm sorry! It was an accident!
FAT MAN
Fuck you! Who slides a gun like that!?
DAUGHTER
Mommy, what's happening!?
MOM
Christi, be quiet. These men are
dangerous.
Chet turns ashen. He moves close to Will, whispers urgently -
CHET
This is fucked. That dude is gonna
bleed out and we're gonna go to prison.
WILL
Just calm down.
FAT MAN
Why is no one getting me help!?
WILL
Is anyone here a doctor?
Nothing. Just the heavy breathing of many frightened people.
Will hurries over to the Fat Man, who is bent over, hugging
his leg.
WILL
Sir, let me see where you're hit.
FAT MAN
Just call me an ambulance!
WILL
Calm down, sir.
66.
The Fat Man sits up, removes his hand from his leg. Will
nervously takes a look. There is only a small amount of
blood.
WILL
It's just a flesh wound. You're
gonna be okay.
FAT MAN
But it hurts so bad.
WILL
You got shot, man. It's not supposed
to feel good. But you're gonna be
fine. And you'll have a great story
to tell everyone.
FAT MAN
This is an awful story! This isn't a
bank error in my favor! I got shot!
WILL
Point taken. Luis, how we doing on
the money?
Chet snaps back to attention -
CHET
Oh, shit. Sorry, Cruz.
Chet picks out the most harmless looking teller, a mousy 20-
something girl, and helps her up off the ground. He checks
her name tag: SANDRA.
CHET
Hey, Sandra. I know you're probably
scared right now, but if you go grab
us 100 grand in a bag, we'll get out
of here. This will all be over and
you'll be fine. You trust me?
Sandra nods. Chet smiles, reassuringly. She hurries behind
the counter, starts filling a bank bag with cash, as -
FAT MAN
My leg really hurts!
WILL
Can you please hurry up, Sandra!?
Sandra emerges from behind the partition with the bank bag.
Will grabs it. He takes a last look at the people spread
across the floor.
67.
WILL
I'm really sorry, everyone. I know
we probably fucked up your day.
(looks to Fat Man)
I'm thinking of you in particular,
sir. Actually, you know what...
Will crosses to the Fat Man, offers the bank bag.
WILL
Quickly. Peel a few bills. On me.
Anyone rats him to the cops and I'm
coming for you. I remember faces.
The Fat Man hesitantly reaches for the bag. Opens it -
Red Dye explodes all over his face. He shrieks. Chet whirls
on the teller.
CHET
What the fuck was that about, Sandra?
I thought we had something going!
What happened to trust?
SANDRA
I'm sorry! They make us do it!
WILL
Could you kindly fill another bag?
Not a bank bag. A fucking garbage
bag. And Luis, will you watch her
this time?
Sandra hurries back behind the partition with Chet. He dumps
out the contents of a trash can, grabs the bag and watches
closely as Sandra stuffs it with cash.
CHET
Okay. That should be enough.
Chet grabs the bag and hustles out toward Will. They are
home free, until -
They hear the wail of approaching sirens outside. They stop
cold, panicked. Will whirls on the Tellers.
WILL
Fuck! Which one of you assholes tripped
the alarm!? Was it you, Sandra!?
SANDRA
No! It was Mark! He pushed the
button when you guys came in!
Another teller, MARK, looks up from the floor.
68.
MARK
Sandra, you bitch! Now they're gonna
kill us both!
SANDRA
Fuck you, Mark! You're the manager!
Will loses his shit -
WILL
Fuck both of you! Fuck all of you!
I'm a regular guy! Just like you!
I'm a regular guy and you fucked me!
Thank you for fucking a regular guy!
People are freaked out. Sandra is crying, thinking she will
probably get shot now.
Chet grabs Will and pulls him toward the door.
CHET
Let's just get the fuck out of here.
The guys slam through the doors, out into
EXT. PARKING LOT, DONNER-WELLS NATIONAL BANK - DAY
Just as a lone police cruiser screeches into the lot. Will
and Chet make a run for it, but the cruiser cuts them off.
OFFICER ZURMAN (21), a jittery rookie, jumps out of the cruiser
and levels his gun. The guys reflexively level theirs.
OFFICER ZURMAN
Drop your weapons!
CHET
Don't shoot us!
OFFICER ZURMAN
Drop the guns or I'll have to!
Chet looks at Will with utter desperation. In the distance,
they hear the sirens of more cops approaching. Will tosses
his gun, rips open his jacket and grabs a cluster of wires.
WILL
Fuck you! You just brought a gun to
a bomb fight, officer! I pull these
wires out and we all go! You got
ten seconds to drop your gun and -
Zurman doesn't stick around for the rest. He turns and
sprints away.
69.
As the guys make for the Datsun -
CHET
That was awesome.
WILL
He was tempting a desperate
motherfucker.
The guys jump in the Datsun and peel out as two more police
cruisers race toward the bank. The cruisers change course
and give chase. The Datsun blows right by the parked
INT. MINIVAN - DAY
Dwayne watches as the cars speed off into the distance.
DWAYNE
Holy shit! Our boy is causing some
serious mayhem!
JAY
He's gonna get caught or killed.
Dwayne whirls on Jay, punches him hard in the shoulder.
DWAYNE
Shut the fuck up! If you jinx this
with your negativity, I'm gonna strap
a bomb to your chest next.
Jay massages his shoulder, pissed.
JAY
Oh, yeah, who's gonna build it?
DWAYNE
You are!
EXT. STREET - DAY
Whiplash blur as the three cars race by, one after the other.
Airborne leaves flutter in their wake.
INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING
Chet freaks out as they hurtle toward lunchtime traffic.
Will weaves in and out of cars.
CHET
Shit! This is not cool!
Will is wild eyed, punching the gas. Chet's head is on a
swivel. Behind them: police cruisers in hot pursuit. Up ahead:
the world rushing at them at 80 mph, populated by nothing but
potential collisions that will result in a fiery death.
70.
CHET
Maybe we should pull over and
surrender.
WILL
I can outrun these guys. They're
not the FBI, they're local cops.
Just shut up and let me concentrate.
I do this for a living.
As they clip the side-view mirror off a Kia -
CHET
You don't do anything like this for a
living! I am not a pizza, I am a man!
The cruisers are gaining ground, throttles wide open.
Will downshifts, spiking the RPMs into the red, as he banks
a hard right and
EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
The Datsun explodes onto a crowded street. PEDESTRIANS
crossing an intersection jump out of its way.
The cruisers take the turn into town. One makes it. The
other slams into parked cars.
INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING
Will jumps the curb to avoid slow-moving traffic, slams into a
newspaper dispenser. It flips up onto the hood and crashes
into the windshield, where it stays lodged.
WILL
Holy fuck!
Will veers back into the street and blindly plows ahead as
cars he cannot see swerve to avoid him.
He finally slams the brakes, the momentum knocking the
dispenser loose and launching it onto the sidewalk, scattering
Pedestrians.
Chet whirls around to see the cruiser flying right at them.
CHET
Go! Go! Go!
Will steps on the gas. The light ahead turns red.
CHET
Stop! Stop! Stop!
71.
Will rolls the dice and blows through the intersection.
He's lucky. The cruiser behind him is not. It's T-boned by
traffic in a brutal, crunching collision.
INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING
The cruiser wreckage disappears in the rear-view mirror as
Will floors it toward a green light.
WILL
That guy got fucked up.
In the rushing moment as they cross the intersection, Chet
glimpses the other cruiser barreling toward his side of the
car from the perpendicular street. He has a millisecond,
maybe, to process their impending doom, and then -
The cruiser smashes into the back passenger side of the car.
EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
The Datsun is sent spinning like a fucking top. Its ruined
back wheel catches, sending the car tumbling onto its roof.
INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING
Madness. The guys scream as the car continues to slide,
upside down, out of control. As it slams into a row of
parking meters, the world goes
BLACK
Will blinks back to reality. He's hanging, inverted, by his
seat belt. The car is a pool of shattered glass. It twinkles
up at him. Hours could have passed, but it's only been
seconds. He sucks in air. Satisfied that he is, in fact,
still alive, he looks over at -
A battered and bruised Chet, head drooping straight back.
WILL
Chet? Are you okay? Chet!?
CHET
(ROUSING)
Oh my god...
WILL
Talk to me.
CHET
I thought you were gonna blow up.
Will's hands go to the bomb...still intact.
72.
WILL
No. Luckily your side took most of
the impact.
CHET
Awesome.
WILL
We gotta keep moving.
Will unclicks his seat belt and falls to the roof of the
car. He moves to Chet, unclicks his belt and helps him down.
EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
Will emerges from the overturned car. He drags Chet out,
along with the bag of cash. He glances up to see the OFFICER
who crashed into them stumbling out of his own ruined car,
which has turned a fire hydrant into a geyser. Another
cruiser races to the scene.
WILL
Oh, fuck, man. Come on.
Will pulls Chet to his feet and they take off, rounding a
CORNER INTO
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
As Will huffs and puffs -
WILL
Chet...I don't know how to tell you
this...but you got a piece of the
car in you.
CHET
What!?
WILL
In your back.
Chet glances back to see a jagged piece of metal sticking
out of his shoulder blade.
CHET
Ah! Get it out!
WILL
I will.
CHET
Do it now!
73.
WILL
All right.
Without breaking stride, Will yanks the piece of metal out
of Chet's back. He screams.
CHET
Is it rusty? Am I gonna get tetanus?
Behind them, two Officers turn into the alley in full sprint.
They are way faster than the guys and soon gain on them.
Will can barely keep up with Chet.
CHET
Why are you moving so slowly?
WILL
It's a combination of cheap sneakers
and this heavy fucking bomb on my chest!
They burst out of the alley, onto
EXT. STREET - DAY
The guys frantically search for an escape, spot -
A bus pulling up to a stop down the street.
They sprint for the the bus, peeling off their ski masks and
waving as it lazily rolls away from the stop.
WILL
Hey! Over here!
The bus slows and the guys trip over each other to board it.
INT. BUS - DAY - MOVING
The guys fall into seats, gasping for air, a complete mess.
Will looks out the window to see the Officers emerge from
the alley and look around for them.
EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
A crowd has grown around the crash sites. Fire trucks and
ambulances are on the scene.
Dwayne and Jay make their way through the crowd, trying to
see what's what. Dwayne approaches a RANDOM LOCAL.
DWAYNE
You hear what happened to the guys
they were after?
74.
RANDOM LOCAL
Sounds like they got away.
Dwayne and Jay beam.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
The guys are covered in sweat as they hike along, eyes on
the lookout. They arrive at Will's parked Mustang. Will
hugs the car.
WILL
I never thought I'd see you again.
CHET
I thought you hated this car.
WILL
It's actually not that bad. You know,
as compared to that Datsun. The
Mustang's got more comfortable seats.
And it never would have flipped over.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY
The guys get in. They sit there for a moment, silent except
for their heavy breathing. Will's eyes go to the garbage
bag sitting between them.
WILL
There's a 100 grand in there. 100
fucking grand. Which we stole.
From a bank.
CHET
I told a bunch of people I was gonna
shoot someone. I was like "you
fucking move, and I will kill you
where you stand!"
WILL
I threatened to blow up a cop.
(BEAT)
And you never said "I will kill you
where you stand."
CHET
I know. But shit did get pretty crazy.
WILL
Yeah, it did.
Will starts to get a little emotional.
75.
WILL
You know, there's no one I would
have rather taken down a fucking
bank with. I mean that.
Chet smiles.
CHET
Me, neither.
WILL
And as for all that shit I said...and
all that shit I did...I hope you can
forgive me. We've been friends for
so long, and I guess you hurt the
people you're closest to the most.
CHET
I messed up, too. I'm a dude who
slept with his best friend's ex-
girlfriend, and destroyed his parents'
marriage, and sat on the sidelines
watching his downward spiral. I'm a
shitty human being. But I'm glad
you know that now, because you can
accept me for who I am.
WILL
I do. I accept you. Because you
accept me.
Will goes in for a hug. Chet gets lost in the moment, before
recoiling.
CHET
Woah! You still got a bomb on you.
WILL
You're right. Let's take care of
that. But you owe me a hug.
Will pulls the slip of paper Dwayne gave him from his pocket.
WILL
It's all gravy from here.
Will takes out his cell and dials the number.
INTERCUT WITH:
EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
Dwayne and Jay cross toward a McDonald's. Dwayne stops and
answers his vibrating cell phone.
76.
DWAYNE
This who I think it is?
WILL (O.S.)
Can't you hear the ticking in the
background?
DWAYNE
You know, you're a pretty funny guy.
WILL (O.S.)
Thanks. I'm happy to entertain a
complete psychopath.
DWAYNE
Now wait a second, you're the murderer.
WILL (O.S.)
What's that supposed to mean?
DWAYNE
One of those cops who wrecked his
car chasing you...he ain't breathing
no more.
Will goes white, covers the phone and whispers to Chet -
WILL
We killed a cop.
CHET
You were driving! I'm just an
accomplice!
WILL
They're gonna hunt us down and kill
us. Cops don't take this shit lightly.
CHET
I bet he had like eight kids. We
have to find them and support his
family forever.
Dwayne is holding back laughter. Finally bursts out.
WILL (O.S.)
What's so fucking funny!?
DWAYNE
I'm just messin' with you. You didn't
kill anyone. How'd a moron like you
manage to rob a bank?
WILL (O.S.)
Jesus! Can we just get this over
with? Where do you want the money?
77.
DWAYNE
There's a boarded up gas station out
on Commerce Avenue, past the highway.
Be there in 30 minutes.
WILL (O.S.)
I'll be there in ten.
DWAYNE
Then you'll be standing around with
your dick in one hand, and my money
in the other.
Dwayne hangs up. He dials another number -
DWAYNE
Yo, Juicy, wrangle your boy. Money's
on its way.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
The Mustang shrieks past us.
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 2 hours, 58 minutes...
CUT TO:
INT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
Dwayne and Jay sit at a table with a fast food feast spread
out. Dwayne eats a Big Mac, a look of utter satisfaction on
his face, a man whom the gods have finally smiled down upon.
DWAYNE
I remember the summer after my mother
passed was the first year they had
the Monopoly game at McDonald's. I
musta come here three times a day
trying to collect all the game pieces.
Packed on 20 pounds, got acne from
all the grease. The Major said I was
the fattest, ugliest 13-year-old he
ever laid eyes on. But I didn't care,
I just wanted to win the money and
get the fuck out of there. So, one
night, I followed this skinny register
kid home, jumped him. I kept whaling
on him, asking him where they were
hiding the Park Place piece. The
million dollar prize. But he didn't
know shit. A year later, The Major
won the lotto. I asked him for a
Sega Genesis. He bought me one of
those paddles with the ball attached.
78.
Dwayne goes for a fry, sees his carton is empty and grabs a
handful of Jay's.
DWAYNE
I'm not ashamed to admit that I've
gone through some dark times since
then. Depression. Addiction to a
variety of shit, which I won't go
into. I know you must think that's
pretty silly, especially since you
manage to get through the day and you
don't got shit going on as compared
to me. But that's just the way it
is. That's life.
Jay looks pretty affected that Dwayne is opening up to him.
JAY
You know, I've been pretty low, too...
if you ever want to talk about that
kinda stuff.
DWAYNE
No. I don't. My whole point I was
trying to make before you interrupted
me was that that shit is all in the
past. 'Cause I did it. I finally
pulled it off.
JAY
We pulled it off, Dwayne. The two
us. We're a good team.
DWAYNE
Are we? Would you do anything to
protect me, my money, my empire?
JAY
Yeah, sure...
(NERVOUS)
I mean, like what kinda stuff are we
talking about?
Dwayne takes out his cell, keys in the speed dial code and
slides the cell across the table to Jay.
DWAYNE
Would you push the button?
JAY
Why would you want me to do that?
DWAYNE
It's just a question, Jay. Would
you? If I asked you?
(MORE)
79.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
I mean, it's no different than those
watermelons.
JAY
Watermelons aren't alive.
DWAYNE
Yeah, they are. Not the ones you
blew up, though.
Dwayne stares hard at Jay. A tense beat.
JAY
No one gets hurt...right, Dwayne?
DWAYNE
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that part.
Dwayne cracks a smile.
DWAYNE
Anyway, he hasn't even made the drop
yet. I'm gonna go take a shit.
Stay away from the bathroom. Someone
could get hurt.
Dwayne heads off. Jay eyes the cell phone he has left behind.
EXT. BOARDED UP GAS STATION - DAY
Weeds have overtaken the abandoned place. Will leans against
his parked car, waiting. Chet is nowhere to be seen.
Will spots Vaughn's Sentra approach. It pulls into the
station and Vaughn steps. He could not look more menacing.
Juicy hangs back in the passenger seat.
WILL
Where are the other guys?
VAUGHN
I'm the only guy.
(BEAT)
You got it?
Will picks up the garbage bag at his feet and walks it over
to Vaughn. He opens it, looks in.
VAUGHN
What the fuck did you do...rob a
bank?
80.
WILL
(INCREDULOUS)
Yes.
Vaughn grins.
WILL
Now where's the code?
VAUGHN
I don't have any code.
Vaughn turns to leave. Will grabs his arm. Vaughn stops,
looks purposefully down at Will's hand. Will draws back.
WILL
Listen, man, I just want the code.
VAUGHN
I don't know what the fuck you're
talking about.
WILL
The code for the fucking bomb!
Will opens his jacket. Vaughn takes a sudden step back.
VAUGHN
What kind of stupid motherfucker
wears a bomb to a drop?
WILL
Your boss put this on me.
VAUGHN
I am my boss.
WILL
Then give me the code!
VAUGHN
Motherfucker, I don't know no goddamn
code. Whoever told you I did, lied
to you. Now step the fuck off, or
I'll shoot you in the face so you
don't explode and mess up my boots.
Vaughn goes to leave again. Will runs ahead of him and gets
in his way.
WILL
If you don't have the code, I want
that money back.
81.
VAUGHN
The only way you're getting this
money back is if you kill me.
WILL
You don't know what I've gone through
for that money!
In an instant, Vaughn has his gun out, aimed at Will's head.
VAUGHN
Do I look sympathetic? Now step the
fuck aside.
INT. SENTRA - DAY
Juicy looks on with interest as Vaughn holds Will at gunpoint.
Then she spots
EXT. BOARDED UP GAS STATION - DAY
Chet creeping up behind Vaughn, from wherever he was hiding,
clutching a large metal pipe.
Juicy jumps out of the Sentra.
JUICY
Vaughn, look out!
Vaughn whirls around toward Chet, just in time to have his
gun arm smashed by the pipe. The weapon drops from his hand.
Chet takes another swing, cracking Vaughn across the face.
He howls, blood spraying, and topples over. Chet goes for
another swing, when -
Juicy jumps on him, wildly biting and clawing.
Will grabs the back of Juicy's track jacket for leverage and
flings her away. She hits the back of the Sentra and careens
clear across the trunk.
WILL
Let's go!
Will grabs the money. Chet kicks Vaughn's gun into the
bushes. The guys break for the Mustang and get in.
Juicy gets to her feet, runs right by a dazed Vaughn and
after the car, which pulls out into the road and leaves her
behind, screaming and cursing.
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
Will's mind is racing.
82.
WILL
What the fuck was that?
CHET
They tried to screw us. You're a
liability. They were just gonna let
you blow up.
WILL
Not with the money they won't.
INT. JAY'S GARAGE WORKSHOP - DAY
A tidy space, filled with various half-finished devices,
action figures and heavy metal posters. A low mechanical
hum registers.
Dwayne sits on a stool in the center of the garage, while
Jay carefully trims his hair with an electric clipper. Dwayne
holds up a mirror to check out his work.
DWAYNE
Never comes out this nice when I do
it myself. You might wanna take some
more off the top, though. I wanna
look real professional when I go down
to the morgue to identify the body.
Dwayne's phone chimes from a nearby counter. He grabs it,
looks at the incoming number, slightly concerned. He answers -
DWAYNE
You drop the money yet?
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
Will yells into the phone -
WILL
No! I've still got the money! And
I cracked your friend's face open!
DWAYNE (O.S.)
Why the fuck would you do that!?
WILL
You lied! You said I'd get the code!
Dwayne is panicked, covers badly -
DWAYNE
I gave him the code. He told me he
committed it to memory.
(MORE)
83.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
He was probably just embarrassed that
he forgot it. I'll call him up and -
WILL (O.S.)
You didn't give him shit! I want
the code now or you'll never see
this money!
DWAYNE
Hold on there, big man. You got a
bomb on you. I got a cell phone that
detonates it. You're not exactly
negotiating from a position of leverage.
WILL (O.S.)
I'm holding the money. I blow up,
and it blows up. Who has the leverage
now? Go ahead and push the button,
you idiot.
Chet freaks out -
CHET
Don't tell him to push the button!
Pull over! Pull over!
Dwayne is getting pissed off.
DWAYNE
Why don't you watch what the fuck
you say! I own you! I tell you to
rob a bank, and you rob a bank. I
tell you to give me the money, and
you give me the goddamn money and
hope I show you some mercy.
WILL (O.S.)
I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm
already dead, right? So fuck you.
At least I'll die rich. I can't say
the same for you.
The line goes dead. Dwayne tears off his haircut smock.
DWAYNE
That piece of shit hung up on me!
INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING
Chet grabs the wheel and forces Will to pull over.
CHET
Get me out of this car!
84.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
Chet jumps out while the Mustang is still slowing down. He
runs 20 yards away. Will turns the car off and gets out.
CHET
That was colossally stupid!
WILL
It was a negotiation tactic. He'll
call back and I won't answer. Then
he'll call back and I will answer, and
he'll realize the only way he gets the
money is if he gives me the code.
CHET
Sure! That seems like a perfectly
logical pattern of thought! I bet
that's exactly what he'll do!
INT. JAY'S GARAGE WORKSHOP - DAY
Dwayne tries Will's phone again. It goes to voicemail. He
explodes like a pack of Mentos in a two-liter of Diet Coke.
Throws his cell across the room. Overturns a work table.
DWAYNE
Does this guy know who the fuck I am!?
Jay retreats into a corner. Dwayne's a big boy, and he soon
tires himself out, hunches over, panting.
JAY
Dwayne...you never told me you weren't
going to give him the code.
DWAYNE
We're not amateurs. He was a loose
end. I let him live, someday I woulda
been walking out of my mansion and...
bam! FBI, CIA, NSA, all converging on
my front lawn, 'cause a loose end turned
state's evidence and they got what
they need to put me away.
Dwayne shakes his head. Starts digging through the mess
he's made...finds his phone.
DWAYNE
Fuck it, Jay. I'll just kill The
Major myself.
Dwayne keys in the speed dial code.
85.
JAY
Don't do it.
Dwayne looks down at the send button.
DWAYNE
You know what they say about a tree
falling in the forest? Maybe the
same thing applies to blowing up
some motherfucker across town. Maybe
it doesn't even make a sound.
Dwayne hits send.
DWAYNE
Boom.
But Dwayne notices something...the phone in his hand is
ringing. He puts it to his ear. The line connects -
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Hello...who is this...hello...?
Dwayne snaps the phone shut, looks to Jay, who tries to will
the beads of sweat back into his pores.
DWAYNE
Who did I just call, Jay? 'Cause
she sounded cute for a bomb.
JAY
(SWALLOWS HARD)
Gina Kim. My seventh grade crush. Or
whoever lives in Gina Kim's house now.
DWAYNE
Where's the number for the bomb?
JAY
In my head. I switched it out of
your phone while you were taking a
shit. You're out of control, Dwayne.
DWAYNE
I'm in perfect control!
Dwayne charges Jay. Jay holds up the hair clippers like a
weapon, flicks them on. Dwayne rips the cord out of the
wall, uses it to yank the clippers from Jay's hand, then
whips him with the cord.
JAY
Stop it!
86.
Dwayne goes to whip Jay again, but Jay moves like a jack rabbit
and delivers a fierce kidney shot. Dwayne stumbles backward,
falls onto the couch, groans -
DWAYNE
You asshole...I make you my partner
and you pull this shit...
JAY
I'm tired of you pushing me around
all the time! What kinda partner
does that!?
DWAYNE
Fuck you...I'm gonna piss blood,
aren't I?
JAY
That's what it said on the internet.
Dwayne's phone rings in his pocket.
DWAYNE
Go on. Get it out for me. I can
barely move.
Jay pulls the cell from Dwayne's pocket...opens it and puts
it to his ear so he can answer -
DWAYNE
Glad you came to your senses.
INTERCUT WITH:
EXT. BOARDED UP GAS STATION - DAY
Vaughn has a rag pressed to his swollen, bloody face. Juicy
is nearby, banged up and dirty. Vaughn yells into his cell -
VAUGHN
Who the fuck do you think you're
talking to!?
DWAYNE (O.S.)
I honestly don't know.
VAUGHN
Let me give you a hint: your boy
just jumped me, tossed my bitch like
a rag doll and split with the cash.
Dwayne realizes who's on the other line, recovers -
DWAYNE
That guy's not my boy. He's a dick.
I'm sorry for all the, uh, confusion.
87.
VAUGHN (O.S.)
Confusion? The only motherfucker
that's confused is you. Apparently,
you think you can fuck me and survive
the day.
DWAYNE
I wasn't fucking you, I was fucking
him. You gotta understand, you're
like a pawn in a much larger game
I'm playing here.
VAUGHN (O.S.)
Did you just call me a pawn, you
stupid fuck!?
DWAYNE
I didn't mean it like that. I'm
just juggling a whole lot of shit.
VAUGHN (O.S.)
I want my money. Right now.
DWAYNE
That may not be possible.
(DELICATELY)
I just want to put this out there,
to keep you in the loop...but I may
need to bump the hit.
Vaughn paces, furious.
VAUGHN
This isn't a reservation at Sizzler!
You don't "bump" it! I want you to
bring me my money right now, to where
I am standing in this shit hole town,
bleeding from the motherfucking face!
DWAYNE (O.S.)
I don't exactly have the money...give
me some time and -
VAUGHN
The deal's off! You just became the
hit!
Vaughn hangs up, tosses the bloody rag to the ground and
screams in frustration.
JUICY
He lives with his daddy. You already
got the address.
88.
INT. JAY'S GARAGE WORKSHOP - DAY
Dwayne looks down at his phone.
DWAYNE
That's it. The assassin's gonna
kill me now. I'm gonna die. Game
fucking over.
Dwayne cradles his arms around his wounded kidney, rocks
back and forth, wallowing in defeat.
JAY
We can still get him the money. Try
the pizza guy back.
DWAYNE
Why? So he can fuck around again,
and I wind up dead, anyway? No.
I'd rather just sit here. I want to
die right here on this couch.
JAY
No. We're gonna get that money.
Just like we planned. All we gotta
do is get the leverage back.
DWAYNE
How do we do that? Pizza boy's
obviously got some kinda death wish.
Jay gathers his resolve.
JAY
We take the girl. The one he went
to see. Then he won't try shit.
Dwayne looks up at Jay with something not unlike awe.
DWAYNE
That's actually...that's a great
fucking idea, Jay. It's the best
idea anyone's had all day.
Dwayne lowers his head. He removes the gun from his
belt...holds it out to Jay. Jay takes it. Feels its weight.
Then offers it back.
JAY
I was just trying to figure out how
you would do it, Dwayne.
Dwayne takes the gun. Struggles to stand. Jay helps him.
89.
DWAYNE
Ok. Then let's do it right. We
leave nothing to chance. Because if
we go to prison for this, I won't be
able to watch out for you.
JAY
Ok, Dwayne.
Dwayne looks over at a frame backpack hanging from a hook on
the wall. PVC piping bulges from it.
DWAYNE
You should probably bring the
flamethrower, buddy. There's gonna
be some evidence to dispose of.
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
Will and Chet sit on the ground, still 20 yards apart. Chet
checks his watch.
CHET
It's been half an hour.
WILL
He'll call.
CHET
In another 30 minutes I'm calling
the bomb squad.
Chet gestures to the vast emptiness all around them.
CHET
These guys obviously aren't watching
you anymore.
WILL
You know, even if they get the bomb
squad here in time, and they can
somehow get this thing off me, we
still gotta answer for the robbery.
CHET
I'll take the heat with you, Will.
WILL
Nah. I'll tell them I forced you
into it. That you didn't have a
choice.
CHET
Thanks, man.
90.
Will looks at Chet for a beat.
WILL
That's it? You're not gonna think
about it a little longer? After all
we went through...tear down the
relationship, rebuild it...you're
gonna let me go to prison alone?
CHET
You offered.
WILL
It was a test. Your grade: F minus.
You know what the "F" is for?
CHET
To fuck myself?
WILL
You passed that test. Failed the
important one.
As the guys continue to argue -
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 1 hour, 28 minutes...
CUT TO:
INT. LAW FIRM, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Kate walks down a hallway, turns into an office. Two figures
rush past from the intersecting hallway and duck behind a
corner.
Kate emerges from the office and continues into
INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Kate goes to the mirror, checks herself out. She's been
crying. She splashes water on her face, then enters a stall.
The bathroom door opens and Dwayne and Jay enter. Dwayne
pulls something hairy from his pocket.
Inside the stall, Kate reaches for some toilet paper...from
underneath the barrier, she notices two pairs of dirty,
masculine sneakers. Her breath goes shallow. She takes out
her cell, quietly opens it. She presses the first 9 in "911,"
but her keypad volume is on and the phone makes a dull,
electronic beep that echoes in the quiet bathroom.
DWAYNE (O.S.)
Why don't you just slide the phone
under the door, so I don't have to
kick it open and see you with your
panties down.
91.
Kate slides the phone out. One of the sneakers crushes it.
She gets off the toilet, arranges her clothing and steps out
out of the stall. She gasps at -
The two ominous men standing there in gorilla masks. Dwayne's
gun is plainly visible, tucked into the front of his pants.
DWAYNE
What's the quietest way out of the
building? 'Cause I might get excited
in a confrontation, and you might
wind up shot in the face.
EXT. LIVING ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY
The Major is watching reruns of Three's Company. He doesn't
laugh or remotely smile at any of it.
The subtle click of a door opening does not escape his finely
tuned senses.
MAJOR
Dwayne?
Nothing. The Major gets up and goes to a desk, rifles through
a drawer and pulls something out. A simple pen. He clutches
it like a weapon.
INT. HALLWAY, NICE HOUSE - DAY
The Major creeps along.
VAUGHN (O.S.)
Just stay where you are, old man.
The Major turns to find Vaughn pointing a gun at him.
VAUGHN
I'm looking for your son.
MAJOR
Even if I knew where he was, I
wouldn't tell you nothing.
VAUGHN
Don't be stupid.
MAJOR
You know, I saved a black man's life
in the shit. So if I took yours I'd
be even.
VAUGHN
I see where your son gets his common
sense.
(MORE)
92.
VAUGHN (CONT'D)
But you might want to readjust your
attitude, because I ain't fucking
around. I want Dwayne. I don't know
why you'd want to protect him, the
motherfucker hired me to kill you.
If this news has any effect at all on The Major, he doesn't
show it.
VAUGHN
Just tell me where he is!
Vaughn pulls back the hammer of his gun.
MAJOR
You think I'm scared of death?
There's a whole generation of gooks
that think I'm the grim reaper.
Vaughn shakes his head. Almost imperceptibly, The Major
repositions the hand with the pen in it. Vaughn is about to
squeeze the trigger -
But The Major beats him to it, clicking the pen, which is
actually a pen gun. It fires a .22 caliber round into Vaughn's
neck. He drops the gun and clutches the geyser of blood.
The Major charges Vaughn, jumps on him and wrestles him to
the ground, trying to jam the pen into the wound in his neck.
MAJOR
I'll ride you all the way to hell!
I know exactly how to get there!
Vaughn reaches for his gun. His fingers curl around it and
he whips it across The Major's face, knocking him backwards.
Vaughn scrambles to his feet, gun pointed at the felled Major.
VAUGHN
What now, old man!? You can't kill
me! None of y'all can kill me!
The Major looks up at Vaughn, once again face to face with a
loaded weapon.
MAJOR
Go on and -
BANG!
The Major goes limp, one searing hole in his chest.
93.
Vaughn clasps a hand to his neck to staunch the flow of blood.
He steps over the The Major's body and continues upstairs.
INT. BATHROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY
Vaughn rifles through the cabinets, dumps all of the first
aid supplies into the sink. He gets to work on his wound.
INT. DWAYNE'S ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY
The locked door is kicked open. Vaughn, neck crudely
bandaged, flicks on the lights and looks around the childish
room. Chinese Fighting Fish swim in a large tank, seem to
stop and look out at him like guard dogs.
Vaughn ransacks the place. He finds a desk drawer locked.
Takes out his gun and blows it open.
Vaughn pulls a stuffed file folder out of the drawer. Flips
through it. It's full of details about Dwayne's plan, the
tanning salon, etc.
VAUGHN
Motherfucker has lost his mind...
He finds a map of the town in the file. Three locations are
highlighted: the bank, the boarded up gas station, and the
radio tower. PUSH IN on the radio tower.
Vaughn stuffs the map into his pocket. He stops before leaving
the room, turns and shatters the fish tank with the butt of
his gun. Water spills out and the Chinese Fighting Fish flop
onto the floor. As Vaughn lifts a boot to stomp them -
EXT. ROAD - DAY
Will and Chet are still arguing -
CHET
Look at the upshot, while you're
behind bars you can finally finish
your degree. If I was there, too,
it would just be a distraction.
WILL
Great idea, Chet. Thanks a lot.
I'll just sit here and figure out a
fucking major.
Will stews. After a beat, his hand goes to his pocket.
It's vibrating. He pulls out his cell.
WILL
Hey, it's them.
94.
Will answers -
WILL
You ready to talk now?
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. MINIVAN - DAY - MOVING
Dwayne drives with his cell pressed to his ear. Jay keeps
watch on Kate in back. She is blindfolded, hands bound behind
her back with duct tape.
DWAYNE
(INTO PHONE)
Yeah, I'm ready to talk. I want my
money. Meet me back at the radio
tower in 50 minutes.
WILL (O.S.)
I've barely got an hour left!
DWAYNE
That's the point. I want you on a
short leash.
WILL (O.S.)
Fuck that. Give me the code first.
Then you can have your money. You'll
just have to trust me when I say
that I don't want it.
DWAYNE
Yeah, I'm sure. You just wanna go
back to your fantastic life. Your
great job. And that blonde bitch
with the sexy voice.
Will's mind jumps to the only logical conclusion. Roller
coaster stomach drop. His voice cracks as he asks a useless
QUESTION -
WILL
What the fuck is that supposed to
mean?
DWAYNE (O.S.)
It means that girl you paid a visit
to today is sitting in the back of
my van right now. And it ain't
exactly consensual.
WILL
Fuck you! You crossed a line!
95.
Dwayne just laughs, maniacally.
DWAYNE
There are no lines! There's just me
and you and 100 thousand dollars.
Once we get that shit in order, you
can have her back, and your life,
too. So you're gonna show up where
I say, when I say. Alone. And if
you try anything stupid, the two of
you will be delivering pizzas to
Saint Peter.
WILL
Let me talk to her.
DWAYNE
You got ten seconds.
Dwayne hands the phone back to Jay, who puts it to Kate's
ear. She is trembling.
KATE
Will...?
WILL (O.S.)
Kate, I'm so sorry.
KATE
It's okay...I'm fine...I'm just really -
Dwayne snatches the phone.
DWAYNE
She's just really gonna die if you
fuck this up.
Will absorbs this like a blow to the chest. The line
disconnects.
WILL
Fuck!
CHET
What happened?
WILL
They have Kate.
CHET
What the fuck does that mean!?
WILL
They took her, man. They must have
followed us to her office.
96.
CHET
Damn it! You had to go see her!
WILL
I'm sorry. I messed up...I finally
messed up worse than I could have
possibly imagined.
CHET
We gotta get her back, Will. These
guys are crazy.
WILL
We still got the money. As long as
we have that, she's alive. Come on.
Chet grabs the bag of cash. They hustle into the car and it
peels out, leaving behind a swirling cloud of dust. As the
sun begins to set -
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 58 minutes...
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Two menacing headlights come at us on the empty road. They
BELONG TO
INT. SENTRA - NIGHT - MOVING
Vaughn holds up Dwayne's map as he drives. He seems to be
on the right road, headed for the radio tower. He crumples
the map and throws it in back.
EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The Mustang stops by the gate to the radio tower. Chet jumps
out and disappears into the bushes.
EXT. RADIO TOWER - NIGHT
The Mustang pulls up. Will gets out and looks around the
deserted place. He holds up the money bag.
WILL
I'm here!
In the shadow of the nearby shed, the minivan is revealed as
its interior lights come on. The door opens and Dwayne
emerges, in his mask.
DWAYNE
How much time you got left?
97.
Will takes off the jacket and tosses it to the ground. He
looks at the timer.
WILL
Ten minutes.
DWAYNE
Damn. Maybe we should just wait
around for the money shot.
The guys meet in a clearing. Dwayne nods at the bag.
DWAYNE
That the money?
WILL
Maybe. Where's the girl?
Dwayne grins.
DWAYNE
In the van. Maybe.
WILL
Get her out here. You're wasting time.
Will grips the bag close to him.
Dwayne whistles. The minivan door opens and Jay steps out.
Strapped to his back is the frame pack we saw at his workshop.
A long tube connects the pack to the handle of a metal pipe-
like device in his hand.
Jay helps Kate, still bound and blindfolded, out of the van.
They approach Dwayne and take up position behind him.
KATE
Will, are you there?
WILL
I'm here. It's gonna be okay.
DWAYNE
This is a fucking tearjerker.
WILL
Just let her come over here.
DWAYNE
I will. But you should know, my
associate over there is packing a
flamethrower.
Jay aims the metal device he has been holding. He hits a
button and a pilot light comes on.
98.
JAY
(FLAT)
Just do what we say. Don't mess
around or anything.
DWAYNE
Unless either of you can outrun a 25-
foot flame.
(gestures to gun in his belt)
Or a bullet.
Dwayne roughly pulls Kate away from Jay and shoves her
forward. Will grabs her, pulls her blindfold off and pushes
her behind him.
WILL
Get back.
DWAYNE
I gave you the girl. Now give me
the money.
WILL
How about we get the code out of the
way first, since this bomb happens
to be ticking so close to all of us.
DWAYNE
Fair enough.
Dwayne pulls a slip of paper from his pocket.
DWAYNE
(TAUNTING)
You ready to be a free man?
WILL
Just give it to me!
DWAYNE
448921.
Will keys in the numbers. The timer freezes and the lock at
the hinge opens. Will carefully extricates himself from the
vest. He lays it down on the ground and steps away from it.
His shirt is drenched in sweat from where the bomb sat.
Will takes a final look at the money bag, then throws it to
Dwayne. He looks inside, smiles. Jay takes a peak.
DWAYNE
It's so fucking pretty, ain't it?
JAY
Yeah. It's awesome.
99.
Dwayne looks up at Will.
DWAYNE
Okay, you can get out of here now.
WILL
I actually have this sneaking
suspicion that once we turn around,
you're gonna put a bullet in both of
our backs - and this is just a guess -
burn our bodies.
DWAYNE
They say great minds think alike.
And in this case, so do we.
WILL
I figured as much. That's why I got
a gun pointed at you, too.
(LOUDLY)
I got a sniper in the bushes locked
on you right now.
DWAYNE
Do I look that dumb?
WILL
I can't tell, you're wearing a mask.
Before Dwayne can react, he stops and blinks, something
shining in his eyes.
JAY
Hey...on your forehead.
Dwayne's eyes turn upward, just barely making out the red
dot that dances on his forehead.
DWAYNE
Son of a bitch. Well played.
In the bushes, hidden from sight, Chet carefully aims his
laser pointer at Dwayne's forehead.
Will grins at Dwayne.
WILL
We're gonna walk out of here now.
If you shoot, my sniper shoots. I
can't guarantee he'll get both of
you. But he'll definitely get you.
As Will turns away -
100.
VAUGHN (O.S.)
Hold the fuck up.
Vaughn emerges from the darkness. He looks at Will.
VAUGHN
Wasn't expecting to see you here.
Without warning, Vaughn cracks Will over the head with the
butt of his gun. He goes down hard. Kate screams. Vaughn
points the gun at her and she shuts up.
Dwayne steps forward with the bag.
DWAYNE
It's all good. We got your money.
VAUGHN
Nice mask, Dwayne. Now throw the
money over here.
Dwayne complies. As soon as the bag lands, Vaughn aims the
gun at him.
DWAYNE
Hold up. You don't have to do this.
I just paid you.
Kate looks on, terrified, an unconscious Will at her side.
Vaughn's eyes burn a hole through Dwayne.
VAUGHN
I've been hit with a pipe, shot with a
pen, and wasted my whole motherfucking
day...all because of you and this job.
DWAYNE
I don't know what you're talking about.
Just take the money.
VAUGHN
I will. And then I'm gonna tie up the
two loose ends in the gorilla masks.
DWAYNE
I'm not a loose end!
VAUGHN
You're a fucking idiot. You are as
loose as ends get.
Panicked, Dwayne's eyes flash over to Jay, who tightens his
grip on the flamethrower handle. Jay catches Dwayne's eye.
Dwayne nods. Vaughn sees this.
101.
VAUGHN
What the -
Jay rears up with the flamethrower. Vaughn couldn't be more
surprised to see the device Jay is holding spit a massive
ball of fire at him.
Vaughn dives to the ground, fires off two wild shots, one of
WHICH -
Nails Dwayne in the shoulder, spinning him backward and
knocking him off his feet.
Kate recoils in horror as: Vaughn scurries madly on the
ground, intermittently firing, while Jay screams and tries
to torch him with the 25-foot flame. A hand touches Kate's
shoulder and she whirls around to find -
KATE
Chet!? What are you doing here!?
CHET
Not now. We gotta take off.
(LOOKS AROUND)
Where's Will?
Kate looks to the empty spot beside her where Will just was.
Flames inches from him, Vaughn lines up a desperate shot -
Good news: the bullet only grazes Jay's side. Bad news: it
keeps going and punches through the flamethrower backpack,
which happens to be filled with gasoline, which happens to
have an incredibly low flash point. So the spark from, say,
a bullet, would cause
AN ERUPTION OF FLAMES
Meanwhile, Will pops up behind Chet and Kate, clutching the
garbage bag.
WILL
I got the money. Let's get the fuck
out of here.
They take off toward Will's car.
Dwayne groggily comes to...no SOUND, just a ringing. The
first thing he sees: Vaughn storming toward him, god-knows-
what spewing from his mouth. Vaughn levels his gun -
It doesn't make a sound for two reasons. The second being
that it's out of bullets.
Dwayne fumbles for his own hardware. Muzzle flash.
102.
Vaughn drops to his knees. Pulse snatched from him.
SOUND SLAMS BACK to the tune of Jay's screams. Dwayne looks
over to see his friend in flames, flailing his arms and
shrieking. Dwayne's head snaps to the other side, where he
sees the Mustang's tires peel. He tears off his mask,
frantically looks around. The money is gone.
DWAYNE
No!!
Jay disentangles himself from the backpack, the source of
the flames, but his clothes are now ablaze. In his frenzy,
he somehow manages to string together two coherent words -
JAY
Dwayne! Help!
Dwayne gets to his feet as the Mustang roars down the
driveway. He looks to Jay, then to his minivan. Dwayne's
face: Two roads diverge in a wood. Which to take?
DWAYNE
Goddamn it, Jay!
Dwayne sprints over to Jay, rips off his jacket and uses it
to beat the flames down.
DWAYNE
Stop, drop and roll!
Jay hits the deck. Dwayne continues fighting the flames,
finally falls on top of Jay with the jacket spread and
smothers the last of them out.
Jay looks up at Dwayne with puppy dog eyes.
JAY
You came back for me...you said you
never would.
DWAYNE
You didn't hesitate back there, Jay.
You did good.
Jay smiles. Flames overtake the field all around them.
DWAYNE
I'm gonna go put a bullet in that
motherfucker and get our money.
Think you can get outta here?
JAY
Yeah. Go get him.
103.
Dwayne hurries toward the minivan. Jay stumbles up to his
feet and limps off toward the woods.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The Mustang travels away from the rising flames.
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING
Will's face is a mess of dirt, sweat and dried blood. He
and Chet stare ahead, completely shell-shocked.
Kate looks from one of them to the other.
KATE
Uh...I just got kidnapped.
CHET
Yeah, that was totally Will's fault.
In case you want to factor that in
while you're mulling over the whole
relationship thing.
WILL
I'm very sorry about the kidnapping.
This is me, taking responsibility
for it. Growing up. Like a viable
life partner.
CHET
This man has spied on you in the
nude before!
WILL
What? No, I didn't.
CHET
He's lying. He's trying to build a
relationship on a foundation of lies.
And it won't stand.
KATE
I just got kidnapped! Can we talk
about that!?
Something catches Will's attention: a set of headlights
rapidly growing larger in the rear-view mirror.
INT. MINIVAN - NIGHT - MOVING
Dwayne's speedometer is buried past 100 mph. His eyes burn
with intensity.
104.
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING
Will hits the gas.
WILL
Oh, shit. One of those dudes is
definitely not dead!
Chet and Kate look out the back window. Chet screams -
CHET
Hurry up! He's already on us!
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Dwayne's car pulls even with the Mustang.
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING
Will looks over at Dwayne, who pulls out his gun and takes
aim. He flashes a sick grin -
DWAYNE
I own this town.
Before Dwayne can get a shot off -
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
An explosion rocks the minivan from inside. The back end is
lifted off the ground and the car tumbles over itself. It
lands on its roof and skids into a ditch.
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING
Chet and Kate watch the burning wreck disappear out the back
window. They are equal parts confused and happy to be alive.
KATE
What the hell was that?
WILL
That was the bomb I carried around
all day. I reactivated it and put
it in the back of his van. I guess
his time was up.
CHET
"His time was up?" Were you thinking
that up the whole day?
WILL
I was prepared, yes. I can't help
it if I'm the kind of guy who thinks
about the future.
105.
CHET
(TO KATE)
He's not that kind of guy. He doesn't
think about the future. Ever.
KATE
What exactly happened since I saw
you this afternoon?
WILL
Primarily, we robbed a bank.
KATE
What!? So you're, like, fugitives?
What do we do now?
CHET
Yeah, Will. What does the future
hold?
WILL
Nothing good if we stay in town and
they pin this on us. Kate, I think
you should put in for that vacation
time. Right now. If anyone gives
you a problem, tell them to fuck
off. There's 100 grand in that trash
bag by your feet. A third of it's
yours.
Kate opens the bag...smiles through the dirt and grime.
KATE
Will, that's -
CHET
Fucked up. Why does she get a share?
WILL
Why do you get a share?
Chet stews. Will catches Kate's eyes in the rear-view.
WILL
Airport's 30 minutes away. Pick a
destination. This time it's not a
practice run.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The car zooms off.
SUPER COUNTDOWN: 0 hours, 0 minutes...
CUT TO:
106.
EXT. DITCH - NIGHT
Wind fans the flames of the burning minivan. The shattered
windshield sprouts another crack...then another, as -
Dwayne's foot kicks it out. He drags himself from the
smoldering steel carcass. He is a charred, blood splattered
mess, but he is alive.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Dwayne is propped up against a sign, lingering on the edge
of consciousness. The headlights of a lone pickup truck
approach. Dwayne feebly waves the truck down for a ride.
INT. NICE HOUSE - NIGHT
The door opens and Dwayne stumbles through. He has made it
home. He drops like a puppet whose strings have been cut.
From where his head has landed on the floor, Dwayne sees
something odd...long red streaks. He crawls forward on all
fours to investigate...
It is a trail of sticky red blood. Dwayne follows it until
he comes upon its source...the crumpled body of his father,
lying face down. Dwayne's face: shock and confusion and joy.
DWAYNE
Dad?
Dwayne inches closer, pokes the body. Nothing.
DWAYNE
Dad, are you -
The body emits a low groan. Dwayne rolls it over. His
father's face is white, he's lost a lot of blood, but he
isn't totally spent yet. He struggles to speak -
MAJOR
Dwayne...
DWAYNE
What happened to you?
MAJOR
Some guy...said you hired him to
kill me.
DWAYNE
Dad, I...I'd never...
107.
MAJOR
Look at you...lip quivering like
you're getting fucked...be a man.
DWAYNE
I am a man! I killed you, didn't I?
Now I'm gonna use your money to open
a tanning salon where they let you
fuck the chicks.
This stirs something in The Major.
MAJOR
You mean...like those whorehouses...in
'Nam...I used to tell you about?
Dwayne softens at the recollection.
DWAYNE
Those were great bedtime stories.
The Major nods. Opens his hand. Reveals a cordless phone.
Dwayne looks to the bloody streaks down the hall, leading to
the phone table. The Major dragged himself the whole way.
MAJOR
Medics are late...probably a couple
lazy spicks...you tell 'em I said
so...all right, son?
DWAYNE
Sure thing, pop.
The Major looks up at Dwayne's bruised face, as if for the
first time.
MAJOR
Hell of thing...I think I
may...actually respect you now.
Dwayne's eyes well up. He reaches out, cradles his father
as he expires. It's like a very bloody, white trash version
of the Piet�. Dwayne sobs uncontrollably, until -
He drops his father and pound-pound-pounds his chest in some
approximation of a life saving resuscitation.
DWAYNE
Get up, you pussy! Come on, soldier!
PULL AWAY as Dwayne pounds the body and distant sirens grow
nearer.
FADE OUT:
108.
BLACK. THE DARKNESS RIPPLES...
Into waves. It's the ocean, long past sunset. PULL BACK to
find a lone figure staring out at it, sitting on
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Will. Shirtless. Could be anywhere.
Chet approaches and sits beside him.
CHET
Fucking nine dollars to use the
internet.
WILL
And?
CHET
Police think it was that black guy.
They found some kind of map in his
car. And I'm sure racial profiling
played a part.
WILL
But nothing about us?
CHET
Nope. Guess it's time to head back.
WILL
I was thinking we'd stick around a
little a longer.
CHET
Why? So you have more time to delude
my sister?
WILL
Yes. And it'd be easier if you gave
us five fucking minutes alone.
Chet stares out at the ocean for a beat.
CHET
You really think she's into you?
WILL
(SWALLOWS HARD)
I kissed her last night. No tongue.
Then you walked in.
Chet just nods. Will gets up.
109.
CHET
You're gonna go fuck my sister now,
aren't you?
WILL
I'll be thinking of you the whole
time.
CHET
At the very least...be a considerate
lover. Give pleasure, before taking
pleasure.
WILL
I think I'm reading you. And I will
try my best.
Will heads up a trail that leads to a hotel bungalow. Kate
opens the door, steps out onto the porch.
Will stops, looks back at Chet. He whistles. Chet turns.
WILL
You're Riggs! You always have been!
Chet smiles, shakes his head as -
Will reaches the porch. He stands close to Kate. His nerves
clock overtime.
WILL
I lied and told your brother I kissed
you. I thought it would make this
easier.
KATE
Here's an idea: pretend you have a
bomb strapped to your chest. Tick,
TICK -
Will closes the gap and kisses her. After a beat -
KATE
Is Chet watching us?
WILL
Probably. We should go inside. I
promised him I'd satisfy you.
Kate laughs, leads him inside and the door shuts to -
BLACK
110.
CREDITS ROLL.
But they are pushed to one side of the screen, as the other
side is filled with -
A lo-fi, 2001-style light tunnel. It deposits us in the
furthest reaches of the galaxy, where we find -
A tanning bed. Rotating in orbit. Dwayne's voice booms and
REVERBERATES -
DWAYNE
GRAND OPENING SPECTACULARRR!
The tanning bed explodes, like a star gone supernova. From
the light and fire and chaos...emerges a logo:
MAJOR TAN
A bad MATCH CUT takes us to the same logo. Camera ZOOMS OUT
unsteadily to reveal it is a banner above a strip mall
storefront. We are watching a local commercial with
appropriately poor production value.
INT. MAJOR TAN - DAY (LOCAL COMMERCIAL)
Dwayne walks backward down a hallway while addressing camera
and trying not to trip -
DWAYNE
Here at Major Tan, our specially
trained technicians are hard at work
developing new technologies that
harness the power of the sun, to
ensure a cutting-edge tanning
experience.
Dwayne enters a tanning room. A man in a lab coat stares
down at a clipboard, on which a complicated scientific
equation is written.
DWAYNE
How's it looking?
The man turns: it's Jay. His smiling face is speckled with
healing burn wounds.
JAY
It's our most advanced tanning bed
yet!
He gestures to a very ordinary looking tanning bed.
111.
DWAYNE
Hey, don't just take this scientist's
word for it. The proof...
Dwayne snaps his fingers. A BAD SPECIAL EFFECT makes him
disappear, then reappear with a totally orange tan.
DWAYNE
...is in the tan.
We follow Dwayne back out into the hallway.
DWAYNE
But Major Tan isn't just about looking
good. It's also about feeling good.
Dwayne gestures to another room. The door opens and Juicy
saunters out in a bikini. A beat later, a RANDOM GUY exits.
RANDOM GUY
That "Deluxe Tan" was fantastic!
EXT. MAJOR TAN - DAY (LOCAL COMMERCIAL)
Dwayne stands outside the store.
DWAYNE
So come on down to Major Tan...where
we're proud to be a family business.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL...The Major beside Dwayne. He's only
about four feet tall now, on account of the wheelchair. But
he's grinning like a jackal, in a POW-MIA cap.
A SUPERED LOGO appears: Military Discounts Available!
As father and son smile and wave at us -
END COMMERCIAL.
